Emotional Intelligence

Daniel Begum
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Table of Contents

Introduction
Chapter 1: Emotional Intelligence
What is Emotional Intelligence?
Elements of Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence in Action
Effects of EI on Your Relationships and Work
Impact of EI on Your Relationships
Impact of EI on Your Work
Chapter 2: The Importance of Empathy
Empathy: The Secret to Connecting With Others
Developing Empathy
Detecting and Managing Energy Vampires
Signs of Energy Vampires
Managing Energy Vampires
Empathy for Energy Vampires
Chapter 3: Improving Your Social Skills and Relationships
Becoming More Aware of the Self
Why Self-Awareness Is Important
Self-Management
Why Self-Management Is Important
Chapter 4: Managing Your Emotions
Understanding Your Emotions
Getting a Handle on Your Emotions
Practical Tips For Controlling Your Reactions to Your Emotions
Using the EQ-i 2.0 Tool
Conclusion
Introduction

You are inseparable from your emotions! You are either in control or your emotions are
in control of your life. For many people, the latter is true. When you go through life
regretting most of your actions and utterances, it is a strong indication that your emotions
are doing most of your reasoning for you.

Regardless of how intelligent and brilliant you are, if you can’t get a handle on your
emotions, your ability to manage your responses and reactions to others is greatly
diminished. This can result in strained relationships with friends, loved ones, coworkers,
and professional associates. Suppressing emotions is the closest some people get to self-
management but that can result in more damage to the individual and those around them.

The good news is that you can learn how to control your emotions without suppressing
them. Self-awareness and self-management skills can be learned and improved upon and
that is exactly what this book will show you.

When you get a good grip on your emotions, your social skills will naturally improve and
your relationships will blossom. So, if you experience a string of strained personal and
professional relationships, you may not necessarily be a bad or an abusive person. All you
need might be a simple and gradual shift in your Emotional Intelligence level.

I have had lots of opportunities over several years to coach/teach people how to improve
their emotional intelligence. Tapping from my vast experience, I have eliminated all the
things that are not relevant to improving your Emotional Intelligence level and have
presented concise nail-in-the-head suggestions in this book. Read and consistently apply
these suggestions and watch how your life takes a 180-degree turn for the better!
Chapter 1: Emotional Intelligence

You are not a robot. You have the capacity to feel. This is why people, events, and
situations evoke different emotions in you. Sometimes the gap between your emotions
and reactions seems so negligible that you react to these emotions before realizing. At
other times, you are more conscious or deliberate about your reactions. But as an
intelligent human, your behavioral responses shouldn’t be at the beck and call of
something outside your control. Indeed, you can choose your responses by widening the
gap between emotion and reaction. To achieve this, you need to improve an aspect of
human intelligence known as emotional intelligence.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize and manage emotions within you and
others. It is being in constant touch with your inner state of being or frame of mind and
the things that are likely to trigger these emotional states.

Every emotion you feel is a form of feedback. A highly emotionally intelligent person can
take the information provided in the feedback to influence his or her behavior in positive
ways. The feedback can also be used to relate better with those around them.

Conversely, people with low levels of emotional intelligence rarely pay attention to the
feedback from their emotions, especially at the initial stages. When they do, it is usually
too late. At that point, they simply let go of the oars and allow the strong currents of what
they feel sweep over them and cause havoc or hopefully lead to good.

Your emotions can temporarily freeze your ability to think rationally and make you
behave in ways that you will regret later. For example, someone did something that made
you so mad that you acted rashly before you realized you shouldn’t have said or done what
you did. When regret becomes a constant feature in your daily life, it indicates a low level
of emotional intelligence. You are definitely not living to your full capacity as an intelligent
human being. Something else is in the steering wheel of your life and you need to change
that fast!

You can be rich, famous, powerful, and brilliant, but without emotional intelligence, there
is a yawning gap in your attitude that needs to be filled. Your intelligent quotient (IQ) can
get you all the accolades in the world, but to be truly great and successful, you need a high
level of emotional intelligence. In other words, you are an emotionally intelligent person
if:

● You are fully aware and in touch with your emotions for most of your day. You are
rarely taken aback by stressful people or situations.
● You can be intentional about your responses as a result of being aware of your
emotions.
● You respond to and influence others intelligently.

On the other hand, your emotional intelligence level is low if:

● You can’t stand people. You are easily offended and react hastily.
● When you look back, you always blame yourself for not responding as you should.
You were either too harsh or too soft. You seem to be carried away by how you feel
at any moment and your decisions are heavily clouded by your feelings instead of
rational thinking. You feel bad and judge too quickly or you feel good and make
rash decisions.
● You are not willing to consider other people’s viewpoints. You tend to be always
rigid about your ways. You have a made-up mind even before you seek other
people’s opinions.
● People think of you as an excellent professional but a poor friend. You find it
difficult to connect with people beyond the surface level. You think of other people
as the tools you need to achieve your aims or as means to an end.
● You do not inspire and influence people positively. Instead, you live your life
mostly in reaction to others. You might have a great fortune but you live an
unhappy life.

Elements of Emotional Intelligence

Briefly, emotional intelligence comprises of five fundamental components, namely:

1. Self-Awareness: this refers to the ability to accurately recognize and

understand your emotions and feelings, and how they affect your disposition or
frame of mind. Essentially, it is the first tool you need to identify your strengths
and weaknesses to know the areas of your life that need work. Getting better at
every other aspect of emotional intelligence depends to a large extent on how well
you can use the self-awareness tool.

2. Self-Regulation (Self-Management): this is the ability to hold yourself

back from reacting to the first random impulse that occurs to you. It takes a lot of
 practice to consciously gauge different situations rationally before responding.
Self-regulation or self-management is not about muzzling your emotions. Instead,
it is about threading the middle path between primitive reactions and
temperateness.

3. Self-Motivation: this is the ability to propel yourself forward regardless

of challenging situations. Self-motivated people don’t easily throw in the towel, get
disoriented because of uncomfortable emotions, or give less than their best under
pressure. Instead of giving up in the face of obstacles, they use the seeming
hindrances as inner fuel to drive themselves to success.

4. Empathy (Social Awareness): this refers to the crucial skill of

identifying and understanding how other people feel. Managing how you feel while
being oblivious of how others feel can damage your relationships. Being socially
aware requires putting empathy into practice in all your interactions and
relationships. With the right amount of empathy, you can place yourself in other
people’s shoes to feel and understand their perspectives. But because it is a delicate
skill to master, it can easily be misunderstood and abused. Thankfully, the next
chapter discusses this essential component in detail to help you avoid the possible
pitfalls.

5. Social Skills (Relationship Management): this is the ability to build

stronger relationships by recognizing and managing the emotions of other people
and influencing them positively. It is an offshoot of developing sound social
awareness and a natural consequence of bringing all the other components
together. It is a vital skill for improving communication, effectively handling and
resolving conflicts, and dealing with awkward situations.

To become a well-rounded human being, you need to consciously work on all of these
components. Since they are closely linked, improving one aspect usually results in an
overall improvement in all the other aspects too.

Emotional Intelligence in Action

High emotional intelligence is not merely an abstract subject; it shows up in real-life

behaviors. The following are only but a few out of the many ways it manifests. These are
some of the more difficult aspects of emotional intelligence. Recognize them and find
ways to practice them more often in your life to get better at using them.
 1. Forgiveness: You can give other people the chance to hold your emotions
hostage when you refuse to let go of past hurts. Resentment is anger turned inward
– the only person getting hurt is you! Unfortunately, those with a low level of
emotional intelligence can’t seem to recognize that fact. Those who cause your
emotional pain may have long moved on, but if you don’t forgive, you won’t heal
from that emotional wound. When you forgive, you demonstrate a high level of
emotional intelligence and set yourself free to move forward.

2. Bringing the Best out of Others: When you commend, encourage,

compliment, appreciate, and inspire people, you are meeting one of the most
innate emotional needs of humans – the need to be acknowledged. Emotional
intelligence enables you to focus on people’s strengths instead of their weaknesses.
Since we all crave acknowledgment, it is natural that people will feel drawn to you
if you recognize and appreciate them. But besides wanting to be around you, the
constant focus on their strengths makes them get better while minimizing their
shortcomings.

3. Giving Helpful Feedback: Emotional intelligence helps you present

criticism in a way that allows the recipient to clearly see that you are focused on
making them better. Conversely, if you lack emotional intelligence your criticism
of others would be because they do not live up to your own standards.

4. Taking Pauses: Perhaps one of the most elusive practices of emotional

intelligence is taking conscious pauses just before reacting. Taking deliberate
pauses before responses is not a show of uncertainty, fear, or reluctance. Instead,
it shows that you are mentally weighing your options before speaking or acting. It
is an easy concept to understand theoretically, but difficult to put in practice.
However, when you get the hang of this skill, you will save yourself from making
long-lasting decisions based on fleeting emotions.

Effects of EI on Your Relationships and Work

You cannot eliminate the need to interact with other people. Even if you do, there is still
yourself to contend with! Instead of attempting to avoid people, your most viable option
is to learn how to first manage yourself, and then handle those around you, especially
those you spend more time with at home, work, or school. Whether you tend to react
negatively to yourself and others or you tend to allow yourself to be swept off by positive
emotions and overstep your boundaries, both are indications that you need to work on
your emotional intelligence.

Impact of EI on Your Relationships

Truly connecting with what others feel is a function of empathy. With this skill, you forge
stronger bonds with your partner, friends, and family. You don’t necessarily have to solve
other people’s problems for them to feel a strong affinity toward you. Everyone wants to
be understood, and empathy is one of the best ways to show others that you understand
them. When you appreciate where others are coming from, it is easier not to judge them
harshly.

Conversations don’t easily get out of hand in a relationship where one or both partners
are willing to step into the other’s shoes. In other words, instead of shutting down because
of criticism, you can see the pure intent behind the feedback even if it was poorly
delivered. Your ability to receive criticism without picking a fight shows that you are
willing to learn and improve.

In intimate relationships, emotional intelligence helps you become unafraid of being

vulnerable. Being vulnerable is a difficult thing for many people, but your ability to
recognize what is stopping you from completely letting down your guard with someone
you love is a demonstration of emotional intelligence. Vulnerability is not a show of
weakness; it takes a tremendous amount of strength and character to be vulnerable.
However, knowing exactly when and with whom to be vulnerable requires a high level of
emotional intelligence.

People who are not assertive may suppress their true feelings and resort to passive
aggression to communicate disapproval. Being unable to express an unmet emotional
need especially in intimate relationships can lead to a breakdown in communication. But
emotionally intelligent people can say exactly what they want and don’t want without
being aggressive.

Most importantly, emotional intelligence can make you quick to apologize when you are
wrong. Holding on to grudges or finding it difficult to say sorry when you are wrong is a
sign of low emotional intelligence. Conflicts are bound to arise in relationships – there
are no two ways about that. However, placing your need for closeness with your partner
above the need to be right can make you seek amends during conflicts.
Impact of EI on Your Work

There is no pause button for your emotions. You take them everywhere you go, including
your workplace. You feel them as you interact with employees and work colleagues, which
is why emotions can mean the difference between a great career and a poor one or an
exceptional business owner/leader and one who doesn’t get along well with others.

Besides possessing a high IQ, high emotional intelligence is necessary to become

successful at work. People with high emotional intelligence tend to troubleshoot better
and are generally better at making decisions. This is because they are more socially aware
and can gauge situations with regard to the bigger picture. Even when they come under
pressure of deadlines, impossible bosses, and annoying colleagues, they don’t easily lose
their cool. And because they have a healthy dose of empathy, they can quickly build a
strong rapport with others. A high level of emotional intelligence in the workplace can
prevent conflicts from escalating. Those who work on improving their emotional
intelligence are also open to listening and reflecting on positive and negative feedback.

On the other hand, people with low emotional intelligence are difficult to fit into teams at
work because they lack empathy and social skills. They are usually not open to the
opinions of others and can become aggressive in their communication or display a passive
communication style. They would rather play the role of a victim or shift blame instead of
taking personal responsibility for mistakes.

Your current level of emotional intelligence notwithstanding, it can be polished and

refined. All it takes is continuous practice. And as long as you are alive, there are plenty
of opportunities to put your emotional intelligence skills into practice daily.
Chapter 2: The Importance of Empathy

There is a huge difference between empathy and pity. Empathy is compassion toward
others. It is walking in other people’s shoes to understand how they feel. Doing this can
help you know the most appropriate approach to adopt in dealing with them. Pity, on the
other hand, is considering other people from a disempowering perspective. To pity
someone means that you assume that they are incapable of doing something about their
situation and they need you to be their savior. Pitying people does not truly help them.
Instead, it keeps them in a place of dependency and it eventually drains you of your
emotional energy. It is crucial to know this difference so that while you connect with
others, you can be alert to codependent relationships and empowering relationships.

Working on improving your empathy level does not make you walk around looking for
whom to pity. Instead, you draw to yourself people who genuinely seek to be uplifted and
nudged on their own path. There is no need to worry if you think your empathy level is
low. Empathy can be improved with the right practices. Let’s take a look at how to do just
that.

Empathy: The Secret to Connecting With Others

Empathy is classified into affective, cognitive, and compassionate empathy.

Understanding these categories of empathy can help you channel your energy in the right
direction.

1. Affective empathy: refers to the ability to connect deeply and share in the
feelings of others. It is being able to experience the emotions of others as if you
were physically having the same experience with them. It is useful for building
strong interpersonal relationships and a strong rapport. But it has a very
debilitating disadvantage. It can stop you from seeing the bigger picture and leads
to making decisions based on current impulses. Decisive decisions that would be
for the greater good are hardly reached when one is stuck in affective empathy. If
you are in a leadership position, this type of empathy level can negatively impact
your ability to lead effectively.

2. Cognitive empathy: this is the intellectual aspect of empathy. It is a clear

understanding of other people’s perspectives without necessarily sharing their
feelings. It helps you get inside the head of the other person to know their
 viewpoint. Doctors, for example, can understand their patients’ feelings without
necessarily sharing that feeling. You can effectively negotiate with others to your
advantage if you get inside their heads without necessarily sharing their feelings.
However, this type of empathy cuts you off from experiencing the deep feelings of
others. Your connection to them is superficial and so is your relationship with
them. To truly connect with others without losing yourself in their emotions
requires a different type of empathy – compassionate empathy.

3. Compassionate empathy: as you would have rightly guessed, this is the

midpoint between the affective and cognitive types of empathy. It is in effect a
combination of intellectual understanding of other people’s situation and exactly
how they feel. In other words, you are both in their heads and hearts to determine
the most appropriate response and actions to take if necessary. You don’t pity
people, neither are you cold toward them. You don’t have a default response to all
situations, instead, you gauge each situation according to its peculiarity and handle
them mindfully. Compassionate empathy helps you to keep your focus on what is
right and just in your bid to help others. You don’t jeopardize the right thing just
to please others, neither are you unflinchingly attached to rules when you need to
be humane.

Developing Empathy

Okay, so how do you develop the right dose of healthy empathy? How do you balance
affective and cognitive empathy so that you are not taken for a ride and you don’t appear
standoffish? Well, it doesn’t happen overnight. The key is to take baby steps as you
practice the following suggestions.

1. Deal with your emotions first: You don’t have much to offer others by
way of helping them work through emotional challenges if you are not in charge of
your own emotions. So, your first order of business is to make sure that you
understand your emotional processes and how to deal with them.

2. Observe: When you interact with people, notice how you feel about what
they say and do. What emotion does their behavior evoke in you as you listen to
them or observe their behavior? Get a handle on yourself by psychologically
distancing yourself from the emotion so that you don’t get swept away and react
immediately to the emotion. Doing this will give you ample time to process their
behavior and your emotional response.
 3. Focus on issues: Instead of being swept off your feet by the emotions that
the other person is feeling, try to determine what is causing those emotions in the
first place. Keeping your attention on the actual issues will help you maintain
rational thinking and the right perspective during interactions.

4. Practice active listening: Hold off a bit on dishing out advice and
solutions when people share their problems with you. When you tell someone what
they should or should not have done right after they share a problem with you is
effectively invalidating their experience. Instead, say something that shows that
you understand where they are coming from and how they feel. For example, “I
might not be in your shoes right now and I can’t even begin to fathom how you
feel, but I can see how difficult this is for you…” Something along these lines will
make the other person open and willing to hear your suggestions. Practicing active
listening is a powerful balance between affective and cognitive empathy.

5. Apologize only when necessary: Don’t allow yourself to feel sorry or

guilty about something that is completely not your fault or has no bearing with you
whatsoever. Don’t allow your feelings to obscure your thinking process. While it is
a good thing to apologize when you are wrong and take responsibility for your
mistakes, be sure that you are not responding to the guilt-tripping scheme of
others. A habit of excessive apologizing does not make you socially likable, neither
does it help to build stronger relationships. Instead, it shows a lack of self-
confidence and it is a people-pleasing behavior.

6. Be authentic: Let your body language convey the same message as your
words. You will only be seen as authentic and attract others when your verbal and
non-verbal expressions are congruent. To show empathy doesn’t mean pretending.
Don’t say what you don’t mean just to please others.

7. Practice: Seek opportunities to demonstrate empathy because that is how

you can improve. It doesn’t matter if you end up leaning too much on the cognitive
or affective side. What matters is that you are getting out there in the real world
and putting what you read into practice. Over time, you will become better at
showing appropriate levels of empathy.

Detecting and Managing Energy Vampires

Simply put, an energy vampire is someone who saps your emotional energy, whether
intentionally or unknowingly. They could be your closest friend, a distant relation, or even
a particular situation (such as certain TV programs, public situations, and so on). If you
feel overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed, or guilty each time you interact with someone,
they might be taking undue advantage of your empathy and using it against you. It is also
a clear indication that you need to work on improving your empathy level because you
might be leaning too much on affective empathy.

To help you manage these toxic people, there is a need to develop both self-awareness and
social awareness. Self-awareness will alert you to your feelings when you are in contact
with such people and social awareness will help you avoid them without causing conflicts.
You will discover more on how to use these tools in subsequent chapters, but for now, let
us focus on how to identify and manage energy vampires.

Signs of Energy Vampires

Energy vampires are of different types ranging from the martyr or victim vampire to the
narcissist vampire and all the others in between. But I will not bother you with that
information. Instead, I’d like you to focus on how to identify energy vampires in general
so that you can recognize and relate with them appropriately. Here are some signs to help
you recognize energy vampires.

● They try to make you see how insignificant your problems are compared to theirs.
For example, “I know your job is demanding but at least you have a job!”
● They use guilt as a tool to manipulate others into getting their way. For example,
“You’ll do it for me if you truly love me.”
● They always shift blame to others. They are never guilty for anything that goes
wrong but want to take all the credit when things go right.
● They are usually involved in one type of drama or the other and they expect you to
be their savior! For example, “Everyone keeps picking on me for no reason at all.
You’re the only person left who I can trust.”
● They always want to outshine or outdo others even when there is no basis for
competition. They do this because they find it difficult to feel truly happy for others.
For example, “Congratulations, I’m so happy for you! You only need to work a
little bit harder to get to where I am.”
● They are always behaving in ways to call attention to their self-pity acts. They gripe,
whine, and put on a show as if they are dutiful martyrs. All that is in the bid to
garner emotional support for their dwindling self-esteem. For example,
“Regardless of all that I do and go through for him, he is still unappreciative.”
● They take undue advantage of the good nature of others. If they observe that you
are kind-hearted, sensitive to other people’s plight, and seek for the good in others,
 they can capitalize on that to ask for endless favors because you won’t want to hurt
them by saying no.

Managing Energy Vampires

Allowing people to continue to drain your energy can have very adverse effects on you.
Low energy levels over a long time can lead to anxiety, depression, and other stress-
related physical and mental diseases. If you have identified an energy vampire, relate with
them keeping the following in mind to avoid being sucked into their emotional black hole.

1. Keep eye contact brief. The eyes have been rightly described as the window to the
soul. The longer you maintain eye contact with an energy vampire, the more direct
access they have to your energy reserves. Eye contact can keep you engaged with
them and deplete your energy levels faster.
2. Set and enforce healthy boundaries. Be assertive when you don’t like something
and never back down or else, you will be sending mixed signals. Limit your
interactions with them as much as possible.
3. Avoid pushing against them. If you feel the urge to contradict or argue with an
energy vampire, remove yourself from them if possible or mentally shut off from
them. Engaging them in arguments or attempting to change their viewpoints is an
effort in the wrong direction. You cannot change anyone unless they are willing to
do so. Pushing against them will leave you drained.
4. Conserve your energy if you must carry on a conversation with them. In other
words, listen more than you speak. Limiting your words and asking short questions
such as how, when, and why will keep them doing most of the talking and conserve
your energy. In essence, you are doing them a world of good because many well-
meaning energy vampires are simply looking for someone to give them a listening
ear.
5. Set a time limit beyond which you will not go for an energy vampire. You definitely
don’t want to spend too much time with someone who can leave you feeling
zapped. If you feel 10 minutes of your time is all you can give to a person, don’t
exceed that time limit.
6. Sever contact with an energy vampire whom you’ve identified as harmful to your
emotional and physical health. Some emotional vampires are easy to deal with
especially if they have no deliberate intention of hurting you. But when a person is
bent on dragging you down to their toxic level, cut off all contact with them. It may
be a difficult decision, but your happiness is more important than maintaining an
unhealthy relationship.

Empathy for Energy Vampires

Resenting or hating someone secretly can also drain your emotional energy. So, while
trying to avoid energy vampires, you can inadvertently sap yourself of your own energy
by becoming resentful. Recognize that some people don’t mean to hurt you or drain your
energy. They just haven’t learned how to properly manage their own energies. Sometimes,
these people are genuinely seeking help or crying out for an unmet emotional need –
validation, love, attention, and affection. While setting boundaries, also be kind toward
them. Dealing with energy vampires will require more cognitive empathy than affective
empathy. In other words, it will serve you better to connect with them on an intellectual
level to understand their point of view without being emotionally drawn to how they feel.
Trust your gut to know when someone is genuinely seeking help and when they are
selfishly trying to put others down to feel good about themselves.
Chapter 3: Improving Your Social Skills and

Relationships

Your efforts at reading and learning about emotional intelligence will have no meaningful
impact on you if you fail to combine self-awareness with empathy to improve how you
relate with others. After all, your relationship doesn’t start and end with yourself alone.
As I’ve mentioned earlier, there is no shortage of opportunities to practice the various
aspects of emotional intelligence. Examples of opportunities where emotional intelligence
come into play include:

● Giving critical feedback to your friend, child, spouse, or employee.

● Taming your urge to overspend because you are in a good mood.
● Deciding between two equally important people or situations to give your attention
when both need your attention at the same time.
● Showing compassion to an employee or work colleague when their personal issues
affect their job performance.
● Helping your teenage child or subordinate to strike a balance between being more
accountable for their actions and empowerment through delegation.
● Deciding what investments are worthwhile.
● Boosting your child’s confidence when they are feeling excluded by their peers.
● Handling an angry customer or client who is yelling at you for something that is
entirely not your fault.
● Consoling someone who has experienced a huge loss.
● Pacifying a child who is throwing a tantrum.

In these and similar situations, a practical demonstration of social skills is required to

keep the situation from escalating and your relationship from plummeting. Building your
social skills will automatically result in long-lasting relationships. But you cannot
effectively build your social skills without first achieving a certain level of self-awareness
and getting a firm grip on yourself through self-management. Let’s take a closer look at
some practical steps to improve these two aspects – self-awareness and self-management.

Becoming More Aware of the Self

The phrase “Know thyself,” is not just some fanciful old inscription on the walls of the
temple of Apollo in ancient Greece. It is as relevant now as it was the first time it was
spoken by Socrates. If you must develop self-awareness, you need to be ready to face your
demons. Some of the things you will discover about yourself might not be pleasant but the
process is necessary if you want to master your weaknesses. Equally, you need to
acknowledge your strengths, too. Do not ignore or downplay your strengths and only
shine the spotlight on your real or perceived inadequacies. Self-awareness, as used in this
book, is a tool that helps you embrace yourself just as you are and to recognize what you
need to do to have better relationships.

Here are a few clear-cut methods you can use to become more self-aware.

1. Keep a record of your emotions, especially those you felt right before you
decided to say or behave in a certain way you did not like. Also, note down
what triggered the emotion – was it someone or a particular situation? How
did you feel based on the situation or the person’s words or behaviors? Try
to think back to when you felt this way in the past. Was the situation similar
or was the same person involved? Your goal in this step is to find a pattern
and not just isolated events. A pattern of triggers will equip you with the
right information to understand how the emotion is triggered in you. This
is the first step toward self-regulation.
2. You can notice how people react to your behavior. Set aside a couple of
minutes every day, for example, during your evenings, and then try to recall
how people reacted to something you did or said. What trend is the general
reaction – positive or negative? Review the reactions honestly to see if there
is a need for you to effect corrections in your behavior.
3. Another thing I highly recommend that you do is to interrupt your day and
reconnect with your emotions. It is easy to get so carried away with daily
activities that you lose touch with your emotions. When you are unaware of
what your emotions are signaling, you can behave in ways you will regret
later. To minimize this, set reminders on your mobile device, alarm clock,
or laptop. Alternatively, mentally associate your interrupt with a trigger
such as the sound of a siren, the sound of a clock at the top of the hour, or
something that occurs fairly regularly. Each time your alarm goes off or your
interrupt trigger occurs, take a couple of minutes to reflect on how you feel
at that moment and in the past few minutes. If you keep up this practice
several times daily, it will soon become a habit and you will no longer need
a reminder or a trigger to reconnect with your emotions. If you can listen to
what your emotions are telling you several times a day, you will significantly
reduce hasty reactions.
 4. You can also ask for honest feedback from those who are close to you. It
doesn’t matter whether they are your friends and family or not, as long as
you spend a considerable amount of time with them directly or indirectly,
they can give you feedback about your behaviors. But don’t do this if you
expect to get watered-down opinions. It takes a high level of guts and
sincerity to brave out this challenge. To make others assess you without
bias, ask them to give you the feedback anonymously. Note, however, that
not every bit of feedback is correct. If someone says something about you
that you know is incorrect, at least you know what they think about your
behavior. On the other hand, if something they said about you is correct
even though it might be hurtful, it gives you a chance to make adjustments.
5. One last method I would suggest to improve your self-awareness is naming
your emotions. To do this:
● When you begin to feel an emotion welling up in you, deliberately pause from
speaking or taking any action. Simply stop.
● Take a few deep breaths and try to identify and name the emotion. It doesn’t have
to be an accurate description of the emotion. For example, fear can be described
as doubt, worry, edgy, and so on.
● Simply observe the emotions that you’ve identified without judgment. Now, tell
yourself that it is okay to feel that way but remind yourself that you don’t have to
act on the emotion, at least not immediately.

Here’s an example. You may feel apprehensive about a fast-approaching

meeting with your picky boss. Take a mental pause and breathe deeply a few
times. Say something such as, “I am currently feeling anxious and a bit
nervous about this meeting. It’s okay that I feel this way but the outcome that
I fear may or may not happen. I will wait to be more rational before I take
any action.”

This exercise helps you to develop metacognition – the identification of your

cognitive processes. It helps you take charge of your emotions at the initial
stages before they escalate beyond your conscious control. As you continue to
practice this, you will gain the ability to become the impartial observer of your
experiences instead of being so engrossed in your experiences that you become
oblivious to your internal signals and their meanings.
Why Self-Awareness Is Important

So, what exactly do you gain by being more self-aware? Firstly, being self-aware removes
the unproductive process of beating up yourself for your mistakes. Instead, it channels
your energy to learning from mistakes. Being self-aware means that you know your
emotional triggers and boundaries, so you are not caught off guard by people or
situations. It helps you seek out people who can complement you in areas of your
weakness. This is especially useful if you are working in a team. Also, you are conscious
about your choices since you don’t easily get swept off by waves of emotions. You can also
capitalize on your identified strengths to help you reach your goals faster instead of
wasting time with goals that don’t align with your strengths.

Self-Management

Recognizing your emotions and even naming them is one thing, controlling yourself from
acting on a whim is another ball game entirely. While identifying your emotions can slow
down your reaction process, it does not automatically eliminate the feeling. Self-
management skills are required to provide alternative outlets for your emotions to be
released to avoid accumulation and uncontrollable outbursts.

When you master self-management skills, you can stay focused on your goals and tasks
regardless of the emotions that you feel. You will be able to determine when and how
much emotion is suitable for different situations. In other words, you can control and
direct your choices even in emotionally charged situations.

Self-management should not be confused with selectively numbing certain emotions. You
cannot go through life feeling only good emotions all the time. That would not be a healthy
way to live. Both pleasant and challenging emotions serve important purposes and should
not be neglected at all. The purpose of learning how to improve your self-management
skills is to gain control over your reactions to the emotions, and not to stifle them.

To improve your self-management skills, I invite you to apply the following methods.

1. Mentally distance yourself from the trigger. If you can also do this physically, it will
be worth your while. The more distance you create between you and the stressful
situation, the calmer you will become and more easily you will regain control of
your thinking process. Practice breathing deeply as you take yourself away
 (mentally and/or physically) from the situation. Doing this is an effective way to
stay calm under pressure.
2. Learn to listen more during stressful situations. Instead of arguing and getting into
a fight, allow the other person who may be feeling irritable to say what’s on their
mind without interrupting them. Rephrase their words in the way that you
understand it to see if you are both on the same page before deciding what an
appropriate response would be.
3. Don’t shift blame for your mistakes. Don’t become defensive and argue for your
limitations. Your best form of defense is to accept responsibility for any errors on
your part and take steps to correct them.
4. Reflect on the possible impact of your actions before responding. When you take
brief pauses just before acting or speaking, try to imagine what the consequences
of your reaction would be. If you have reacted that way before, what was the
outcome? Would you like a repeat of that outcome? If not, it would be best to
consider other ways to respond.
5. Be open to change. Fighting change almost certainly results in getting hurt. If a
process or an opinion is different than you know it, temporarily suspend your
disbelief and see if there could be something useful in the seemingly opposing
opinion. That way, you are staying true to your values while being open to new
ideas.

Here are a few other exercises that can also improve your self-management skills.

● No matter how busy you are, make time for hearty laughter and fun every day.
● Maintain a healthy balance between work and personal life. Allowing the two to
overlap can lead to unnecessary stress.
● Give yourself enough time (between 7 to 8 hours) to sleep well at night.
● Consider including mindfulness practices, meditation, alone time, or controlled
breathing as part of your daily activities. These practices can also improve your
self-awareness as they give you room to reflect on yourself.
● Get adequate body movement every day for at least 30 minutes.
● If you take alcohol, consider drinking water instead or significantly reduce your
alcohol consumption.

Why Self-Management Is Important

Behaving rationally doesn’t happen by accident. It takes consistent practice in self-

management skills. That is one of the benefits of working to improve your self-
management. You will have the ability to think through before taking actions and reacting
to others and situations. Regrets for actions, inactions, and wrong utterances are greatly
reduced as a result of regulating yourself. In fact, you can become proactive about your
behavioral responses instead of being reactive.
Chapter 4: Managing Your Emotions

Understanding Your Emotions

It is not uncommon for people to think that negative emotions are bad and they indicate
that a person is inherently bad. It is okay to want to feel good most of the time, but that
does not suggest that you should be sorry for how you feel. Do not assume that you are
bad because you feel terrible or that someone else is better than you because they feel
good. Feelings are just what they are and you cannot control how you feel, neither should
you try.

Allow the feelings to do what they are naturally designed to do, which is to convey
information to you. Your job is to focus on how to control your responses to how you feel.
In other words, how you behave when you feel a certain way is under your direct control.
It might not seem that way to you if you think that triggers, emotions, feelings, and
reactions all happen simultaneously. But they don’t and that’s a good thing because that
gives you enough time to take charge of your responses. I suggest you quit beating up on
yourself for feeling bad. Instead, be grateful for recognizing a bad feeling because that is
your cue to carefully consider your response before reacting to the emotions you are
feeling.

To fully understand the purpose of your emotions, it is important to understand what

your emotions are.

Emotions are electrochemical signals in your body that are released in response to how
you perceive your world. In other words, your perception of the world (good or bad)
determines what signals are released in your body. Your emotions are indications of your
interpretation or perception of events in and around you.

Although all emotions don’t feel the same, they are essentially neutral. That is, they are
neither good nor bad. Some may feel good while others feel bad, but the feelings are
important information that tells you to keep going or tread carefully. Do you now see that
suppressing an emotion doesn’t serve you well? Instead of stifling an emotion, listen to
its message and choose your response.

Every emotion has a corresponding message. But you will miss the message if you have
not trained yourself to listen for it. Below are 4 different charts that list different emotions
and messages. Study them to get a clue into what your emotions are telling you. The
messages may vary depending on the individual and their core beliefs, but the chart gives
you a general idea of what each emotion represents.

The Emotoscope Feeling Chart

Category: Mad

Word Sentence Purpose Sensations

I feel peeved when people don’t Frowning eyebrow, tight

Peeved do what I want Focus attention on minor issues mouth, dry mouth

I feel disappointed because Focus attention on something you Frowning eyebrow, tight
Disappointed things didn’t go as I expected want to change mouth, dry mouth

I feel miffed because someone Focus attention on small but Frowning eyebrow, tight
Miffed hurt my feelings significant purpose mouth, dry mouth

I feel annoyed because things are Focus attention on a problem Agitation, headache, tense
Annoyed not going my way you’ve ignored muscles

I feel irritated because this Focus attention on something Agitation, headache, tense
Irritated problem keeps coming up that goes against your beliefs muscles

I feel critical because people are Focus attention on a relationship Agitation, headache, tense
Critical not doing their part problem muscles
 I feel angry because I can’t do Focus attention on something you Warm hand, fast pulse, narrow
Angry what I want want to change eyes, tense shoulders

I feel vindictive because I want to Focus attention on something you Warm hand, fast pulse, narrow
Vindictive punish someone might need to oppose eyes, tense shoulders

I am boiling because someone’s Warm hand, fast pulse, narrow

Boiling keeping me from my goal Focus attention on a problem eyes, tense shoulders

I am fuming because this person

Fuming keeps interfering Focus attention on a lasting issue Heat, fast pulse, red

I am livid because nothing is Focus attention on something

Livid changing that goes against your values Heat, fast pulse, red

I feel infuriated because people Focus attention on a significant,

Infuriated are in my way persistent issue Heat, fast pulse, red

I feel outraged because someone Focus attention on something Boiling heat, rapid heart,
Outraged is totally wrong that violates your values sweaty palms

I feel furious because something Focus attention on something Boiling heat, rapid heart,
Furious is blocking my way very serious sweaty palms

I feel explosive because there’s so Focus attention on a dangerous Boiling heat, rapid heart,
Explosive much in my way problem sweaty palms

Category: Sad

Word Sentence Purpose Sensations

 I feel insignificant and people don’t Downturned eyes, frown,
Insignificant know or care about me Challenge you to find your place soft shoulders

I feel overwhelmed because too Downturned eyes, frown,

Overwhelmed much is happening Challenge you to set priorities soft shoulders

I feel withdrawn because the world Downturned eyes, frown,

Withdrawn out there doesn’t feel safe Help you recover your energy soft shoulders

I feel lonely because people don’t Help you consider the strength of Faraway look, heaviness,
Lonely reach out to me your relationship slow pulse

I feel disturbed because something Faraway look, heaviness,

Disturbed is not right Help you clarify your values slow pulse

I feel gloomy because I have lost my Faraway look, heaviness,

Gloomy purpose Help you identify problems slow pulse

I feel sad because something is Help you recognize what you care Moist eyes, head down,
Sad being taken away from me about body turning inward

I feel discouraged because I can’t Challenge you to check your level of Moist eyes, head down,
Discouraged seem to get what I want commitment body turning inward

I feel defeated because I have tried Challenge you to face a failure and Moist eyes, head down,
Defeated and lost again learn body turning inward

I feel heartbroken because I have Challenge you to clarify what you Tear, arms folded in, head
Heartbroken given of myself and feel empty want in a relationship down

I feel miserable because I have lost Challenge you to confront a big Tear, arms folded in, head
Miserable trust in people important to me problem down
 I feel anguished because I have lost Challenge you to recognize a major Tear, arms folded in, head
Anguished my direction change you need to make down

I feel grief-stricken because I have

lost something/someone important Help you to recognize how much you Wet eyes/face, hands to
Grief-stricken in my life love someone/something face, devastated

I feel devastated because I don’t see Wet eyes/face, hands to

Devastated any options in my future Challenge you to confront a failure face, devastated

I feel distraught because I can’t Challenge you to confront Wet eyes/face, hands to
Distraught decide what to do next something terribly uncomfortable face, devastated

Category: Glad

Word Sentence Purpose Sensations

I feel peaceful because the world is as Reinforce your sense of Eyes relaxed, head held high,
Peaceful it should be connection relaxed body

I feel content because I have chosen a

direction that gives me value & Reinforce the value of your Eyes relaxed, head held high,
Content purpose efforts relaxed body

I feel confident because I know I can Strengthen your resolve and Eyes relaxed, head held high,
Confident meet my goals commitment relaxed body

I feel pleased because I have Eyebrows raised, upturned

Pleased accomplished my goals Remind you of what you like mouth, shoulders back

I feel happy because I am satisfied Help you pay attention to what’s Eyebrows raised, upturned
Happy with myself good in life mouth, shoulders back
 I feel hopeful because good things are Energize you to preserver Eyebrows raised, upturned
Hopeful coming through challenge mouth, shoulders back

I feel delighted because the outcome Eyes open, smiling, tall/proud

Delighted of my choices bring me joy Energize you to share joy posture

I feel cheerful because I am settled Remind you that the world is a Eyes open, smiling, tall/proud
Cheerful and satisfied wonderful place posture

I feel joyful because I am getting what Remind you of what matters Eyes open, smiling, tall/proud
Joyful I really want! most to you posture

I feel thrilled because I have had a Eyes looking up, increased

Thrilled fortunate outcome to my actions Energize you to risk and grow pulse, active arms

I feel ecstatic because I am doing and Energize you to stay connected Eyes looking up, increased
Ecstatic being exactly what gives me pleasure and fully alive pulse, active arms

I feel exuberant because I am pleased Energize you to motivate and Eyes looking up, increased
Exuberant and surprised by my gains engage others pulse, active arms

I feel wacky and full of energy for Help you innovate and take Expressive eyes, warmth,
Wacky what lies ahead risks active body

I feel goofy and ready to play with Help you release energy and Expressive eyes, warmth,
Goofy great abandon renew active body

Help you release energy and Expressive eyes, warmth,

Hilarious I feel hilarious and full of vim & vigor! innovate active body

Category: Afraid
Word Sentence Purpose Sensations

I feel insecure because I have lost my Eyebrows tight, eyes

Insecure confidence Consider your own strengths squinted, agitation

I feel timid because I am unsure of Consider the kinds of Eyebrows tight, eyes
Timid myself relationships you want squinted, agitation

Eyebrows tight, eyes

Shy I feel shy because I might not fit in Consider how you fit in squinted, agitation

I feel anxious because I am not sure Focus attention on potential Eyes wide open, frown , knot
Anxious how things will work out problems in tummy

I feel lost because I don’t know Eyes wide open, frown , knot
Lost where I want to go Focus attention on the next steps in tummy

I feel worried because I am Focus attention on potential Eyes wide open, frown , knot
Worried unwilling to face something problems in tummy

I feel astonished because I was Focus attention on the Eyes open, open mouth,
Astonished caught off guard unexpected hands close to face/body

I feel startled because I am being

asked to do something new & Focus attention on something Eyes open, open mouth,
Startled unfamiliar new hands close to face/body

I feel uncertain because I don’t know Focus attention on your level of Eyes open, open mouth,
Uncertain if the situation will work out commitment hands close to face/body

I feel frightened because there is Hard to focus, clenched jaw,

Frightened danger in the near future Focus attention on a risk cold & sweaty
 I feel horrified because the shock of Focus attention on something Hard to focus, clenched jaw,
Horrified the news hit me hard that you don’t want cold & sweaty

Terror- I feel terror-stricken because what I Hard to focus, clenched jaw,

stricken love is in danger Focus attention on serious risk cold & sweaty

I feel terrified because something Squinty eyes, shaking body,

Terrified awful is coming Focus attention on danger shortness of breath

I feel panicky because I am not sure Focus attention on what you need Squinty eyes, shaking body,
Panicky what to prepare myself for to do next shortness of breath

I feel petrified because I don’t want

to regret any decision that I have to Focus attention on a serious Squinty eyes, shaking body,
Petrified make danger shortness of breath

Getting a Handle on Your Emotions

So what do you do if you are feeling bad and you are not supposed to suppress your
emotions? First of all, understand that suppressing your emotions is not true self-
regulation or management. Even if your intentions are good, when you suppress your
feelings it can lead to resentment in relationships, insincerity, more negative feelings, and
high blood pressure if you keep it up over a long period.

However, expressing or acting on your emotions the way you feel them can be disastrous
too. The goal of improving your emotional intelligence would be defeated if you continue
to act on your emotions because you don’t want to suppress them. Your best approach
would be to reappraise your emotions.

Reappraising your emotions means seeking alternative interpretations for a challenging

situation. True self-management involves embracing changes. If something goes against
your beliefs, your emotions will trigger a feeling response in you to alert you of the
contradiction. But if you expand your view to include new beliefs, your emotions will
morph according to the new set of beliefs. This is why you must be willing to look at things
from other perspectives while staying true to your core values.
To effectively reappraise a situation, you must necessarily suspend your disbelief. For
example, your partner failed to keep their promise and you feel really bad. Picking a fight
with them will not make them feel good, neither will it change the situation. On the other
hand, ignoring how you feel and wearing a limp smile doesn’t improve your mood either.
When you reappraise the situation, you would start to think along the lines of:

● “They may have failed me, but I’m sure they are not failures themselves.”
● “I can’t make them do what they are unwilling to do. Perhaps, I am expecting too
much from them.”
● “Perhaps they didn’t mean to hurt me or fail in keeping their promises. I have
made mistakes in time past too.”

Thinking this way will broaden your horizons and allow you to embrace other
possibilities. With that understanding will come a relief from whatever negative emotions
you may have felt previously. And in that clear space, you are in a better place to make
sound decisions you won’t regret later.

Here are two quick, simple, but effective exercises to help you get a handle on your
emotions.

1. When you are in a situation that has your emotions running wild, deliberately
reduce your heart rate by shortening your inhales and prolonging your exhales.
This will effectively reduce your blood pressure and the urge to react immediately.
2. Think of the situation as a challenge instead of a threat. Taking on a challenge is
more motivating than facing a threat. Usually, you would avoid a threat but seek
ways to overcome a challenge.

It is important to always remember that there is no need to rush into reacting if there is
no immediate danger. If you can keep your emotions under check, you will be able to
handle situations rationally regardless of how challenging they may appear to be at first.

Practical Tips For Controlling Your Reactions to Your Emotions

● Acknowledge your emotions. Don’t ignore them because the more you do that, the
more intense the emotion gets. Acknowledge your emotions by naming them. For
example, “I am feeling really annoyed!” Acknowledging your emotions lessens
their intensity and grip on you.
● Let go of worry especially when there is nothing you can do about a situation.
Instead of fretting about a situation, focus on the aspects that you can control and
do something about them. Worry only serves to increase your stress level.
 ● Consider feedback before internalizing it. If someone should give you a new shirt,
you wouldn’t throw it over your head and rush to an important meeting. You would
first put it on to make sure that it fits and that you like it and then you would decide
if it is suitable for your important meeting. That is how you should approach
feedback. When someone says something about you, take a moment to see if it fits
instead of internalizing and reacting immediately.
● Expand your horizon. Don’t wait until emotions are high before you try to seek
other perspectives. Learn about other people’s beliefs and values. See where you
can shift grounds if necessary without losing yourself. Doing this regularly
especially when you relate with people from different backgrounds will forestall
possible conflict of values. Also, realize that events don’t have any inherent
meanings besides the ones you give them. Feeling emotionally hurt is usually as a
result of interpreting something differently. Try to soften your interpretations
where necessary to minimize getting hurt.
● Realize that it is okay to feel bad sometimes. Give yourself enough time to process
negative emotions. If you feel sad, disappointed, or angry it is okay to feel those
feelings. But don’t let them derail you from normal functioning. If you don’t allow
yourself to process these feelings they will explode when you least expect.

Using the EQ-i 2.0 Tool

Emotional quotient (EQ) is the measurement of a person’s knowledge of how emotions

work. EQ levels are determined through test scores. But unless you can demonstrate your
EQ skills in real-life situations, having a high score in an EQ test is pretty much useless.

A high EQ score is particularly useful in work relationships or team situations where

organizations measure an individual’s emotional intelligence level using EQ tests. One
such test instrument is the Emotional Quotient Inventory (EQ-i 2.0). The “2.0” stands for
the second generation. It is an updated version of the EQ-i tool.

EQ-i 2.0 is the first scientifically proven instrument for measuring emotional intelligence.
For more than 20 years, the EQ-i 2.0 tool has been used by millions of people all over the
world. It is a self-report tool that appraises an individual’s emotional and social
functioning, particularly in the workplace. The instrument uses 133 questions to measure
a person’s skills in different areas including adaptability, stress management,
interpersonal, intrapersonal, and general mood.
The image below is a model of the EQ-i 2.0 tool. It shows how behavior can be predicted
using 5 composite scales and 15 subscales. The model’s circular nature demonstrates how
one aspect of emotional intelligence blends into another.

If you are particular about improving your workplace relationships, I highly recommend
this tool. It will help you to focus on your areas of excellence and get the most out of your
daily activities. The tool is not an end in itself, but a starting point for your work toward
better job performance and great working relationships.

The EQ-i 2.0 can be used to identify how effective or otherwise an organization’s
development programs are, areas of improvement for individuals and the organization as
a whole, as well as fish out those with leadership potential. It can measure performance
against the severity and duration of stress as shown in the image below.
To get the best out of this tool, it is recommended to follow the process depicted in the
image below starting from choosing your preferred EQ report.
Bottom Line

Indeed, emotional intelligence is not the be-all and end-all of an individual’s performance
and development potential, but it has been established as a crucial factor in these areas
using science-based instruments such as the EQ-i 2.0 tool.

The tool can be used to gain a deeper understanding of how your EQ result affects your
decision-making, teamwork, conflict resolution, and openness to change, and so on. It
can also help you to measure your level of happiness and well-being. This opens you to
more developmental opportunities.
Conclusion

Perhaps the best thing about improving your emotional quotient level is your ability to
control yourself instead of others. The work begins with you before it extends to others.
Remember that getting a handle on your emotions is not the same as suppressing your
feelings. You need to let out negative feelings or emotions through less destructive
channels. It begins with an honest look at yourself to discover the things that seem to trip
you up easily. Empowered by that self-knowledge, you can tell when a situation is likely
to trigger unpleasant feelings so that you are well-prepared to respond more intelligently.

Developing your ability to have a bird’s-eye view with regard to others and yourself will
put you in a position to understand where they are coming from. This does not eliminate
conflicts, but it helps you to see their perspective and approach them accordingly.
Remember that empathy is not a superficial act. You must apply the suggestions outlined
to build empathy.

Emotionally intelligent people may seem like easy-going simpletons at first blush. You are
not a pushover in any sense! If anything, you are well-balanced and more powerful to
manage yourself as well as others around you. But, ignorant and self-centered people are
likely to take you for granted. Do not waste your energy on them. You can never please
them enough so don’t even try. Being emotionally intelligent does not mean engaging in
approval-seeking or people-pleasing behaviors.

Finally, going from a low EQ level to a high emotional intelligence level takes time and
practice. You will need to be persistent and consistent in applying the suggestions in this
book over a considerable time before they become habituated. Until then, don’t beat
yourself up if you falter. Even the most emotionally intelligent people make mistakes, and
forgiving and taking it easy on yourself is part of being highly emotionally intelligent.