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The Wendy Play By Amy Herzog

Contact: Val Day William Morris Agency 212-903-1192 VFD@wma.com
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Characters*
At the Summer Arts Conservatory:
Wendy............ late twenties Carol.............. late thirties Tim................ Early forties
Tammy............ early forties Angela............ early thirties Jamie.............. sixteen
Sean............... sixteen Andrea............ fourteen/fifteen/sixteen Diane...............
fourteen/fifteen/sixteen Morgan............. fourteen/fifteen Charlotte........... fifteen
Eric................. fifteen/sixteen Tara.............. fifteen/sixteen Ellen...............
fourteen/fifteen Lexie.............. fourteen/fifteen Jenny............. fifteen/sixteen
In the Play within the Play (all are in 10th grade):
Don (played by Jamie) Natalie (played by Charlotte) Brianna (played by Tara) Margo
(played by Jenny) Chelsea (played by Andrea) Regina (played by Lexie) Taylor (played
by Eric) Jason (played by Sean) Liz (played by Ellen) Kayla (played by Diane) Raina
(played by Morgan)
Wood Nymph 1 (played by Wendy) Wood Nymph 2 (played by Carol) Wood Nymph 3
(played by Angela)
* With double casting as indicated above, the play may be performed with sixteen
actors: five adults and eleven teenagers
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ACT I
Scene 1
Wendy addresses the audience.
WENDY I never went to summer camp. I gave my
high school peers plenty of cause to persecute me but I left that one off the roster. Bugs
and kool aid and trust falls? Especially the trust falls. I wasn’t a trusting teenager. My
best friend told me about her camp, how they celebrated Hiroshima Day by making
origami cranes and weeping and holding each other until the bedtime gong rang.
“Celebrated?” I said. “Is the word you’re looking for ‘celebrated?’”
My first summer at camp is the summer I turn twenty-eight. There are no bugs and no
kool aid because this camp is on the air-conditioned premises of one of the northeast’s
most prestigious boarding schools. In my interview Mark tells me that Bolton Academy
is America’s only private school with two buildings designed by Richard Meier. I say I
bet it’s the only school. He looks supportive but confused. “I bet it’s the only school with
two buildings designed by Richard Meier.” We laugh, together, and I decide it’s going to
be okay. I’ve always known I will be a good teacher; it’s something you can know,
intrinsically, without proof. And I’m being paid to write to a play.
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Scene 2
The Staff Room Carol, thirty-eight, enters. She is calm, compliant, and unsurprised by
most things.
CAROL Wendy? Carol. Visual arts.
WENDY Oh. Playwriting.
CAROL Welcome. Mark told us all about you.
WENDY You’ve taught here before?
CAROL Eight summers.
WENDY You must like it.
CAROL I like the kids. I like the paycheck. I like
Mark.
WENDY Where is Mark? I haven’t seen him since
my interview in –
(Tim enters. He is in his early forties. A blue-eyed, corn- fed Churchgoing
Midwesterner.)
TIM Wendy, Carol, Carol, Wendy.
CAROL We just met.
TIM You are Wendy, right?
WENDY Yup.
TIM Tim. It’s great to meet you. Welcome to the
family.
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WENDY Thank you.
TIM Tammy’s right behind me with the Blizzards.
CAROL Oh, you’re an evil man.
(Tammy enters with blizzards from Dairy Queen. She is also in her mid-forties, with
bleached blond hair and uncomprehending, large eyes.)
TAMMY Now these blizzards are –
TIM Mandatory, these blizzards are not optional.
Wendy, we didn’t know what you like. So we guessed!
WENDY Thank you –
TIM Anyone seen Angela?
CAROL I think she’s on her way.
TIM Well, we’re going to start promptly at three.
Carol, maybe you can tell Wendy what Mark always says about lateness here at the
summer arts Conservatory.
CAROL Early is on time, on time is late, late is
unacceptable.
TIM Alternate version, “late is fired.”
TAMMY Which is true.
TIM It’s true in show business. They’ve gotta
learn it now. Let’s get started. Wendy, did you meet Tammy?
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WENDY Hi.
TAMMY Hi Wendy.
TIM Tammy is my co-musical director and the
Conservatory Accompanist. And my wife. So on behalf of Tammy, myself, and Mark, I’d
like to welcome you –
(Angela enters. She is in her late twenties or early thirties. She is loud, sensuous, and
honest.)
ANGELA I know, I’m fired, sorry.
TIM Angela, it’s –
ANGELA It won’t happen again. What did I miss?
TIM You’ll have to ask me after the meeting, we don’t have time to go back over
everything.
ANGELA I’m Angela.
WENDY Wendy.
ANGELA I’m the dance teacher and choreog—
TIM You can do that later, ladies. Thank you.
(Tammy surreptitiously hands Angela a blizzard) A lot of
what I’m going to say this afternoon is for Wendy’s benefit, but we can all benefit from a
re-hearing. The students arrive tomorrow starting at noon, so first things first. Safety.
We have some kids with medical conditions, some of them very serious. Tammy?
TAMMY Yes. Yes. Diane, who is an acting student
–
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TIM Which means she’ll be working with Tammy,
Angela and myself on the musical production, and you, Wendy, on the new play.
TAMMY Diane has a bee allergy. Now she always
carries –
TIM She always carries an epi-pen, but we’ll also
keep one in her dorm, in the office, in the dance studio, in the black box, in the dining
hall, in the playwriting classroom, and we should each carry one on us at all times.
(Wendy raises her hand) Wendy.
WENDY Will Diane ever be in the playwriting
classroom? I know I’ll be working with the acting students on the play, but that’s in the
black box, right?
TIM Do you mind keeping an epi-pen in the playwriting classroom?
WENDY No.
TIM Terrific. We appreciate that. You never...
(he looks at Tammy, who returns his gaze) You never know.
TAMMY We have two students who take anti-depressants. Joan, who’s in visual arts.
(Tim and Tammy look solemnly at Carol.) And Andrea, who’s
in playwriting.
(they look solemnly at Wendy.)
TIM Carol, Wendy, if either of you have any
questions about mental illness? You can always ask Tammy. Let’s continue.
TAMMY Charlotte, who is an acting student, has a history. Of pulling out her hair.
TIM Her own hair.
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TAMMY Her own hair. Her issue is apparently
under control.
TIM But she takes medication.
TAMMY Anti-anxiety medication.
TIM Anti-anxiety medication. If anyone sees any signs of the hair pulling –
TAMMY Bald spots, patches you hadn’t noticed
before –
TIM Or if you actually see her doing it. Come to
me. Immediately. That’s something we absolutely can’t have here. Okay? Also, watch
your own references to hair pulling. Figures of speech. “I’m tearing out my hair?” No.
TAMMY Oh dear, no.
TIM Any questions?
WENDY Where is Mark?
TIM In China.
WENDY China?
TIM At an international conference about arts education. He didn’t mention it?
WENDY No. I thought he ran the camp.
(an uncomfortable pause)
TIM Wendy, we don’t use the word camp. Camp
is about canoeing and folk songs by the campfire. This is an Arts Conservatory. For
artists.
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Scene 3
The playwriting classroom
Wendy with Jamie, Sean and Andrea
Jamie is sixteen, tall, lanky, animated and hyper-articulate. He has an excess of energy
in his limbs. He may air drum or perform other irrelevant physical actions at any
moment.
Sean is also sixteen, shorter, more thoughtful; he’s no less intelligent but he has a
slower personal tempo.
Andrea is fifteen, serious, dressed all in black, perhaps with a skull and cross-bones
t-shirt, dog collar, or other similar element. A poet. She doesn’t make eye contact.
WENDY Because this class is so small, there’s no
reason why we shouldn’t be able to cover anything that interests you guys. So off the
bat are there any requests?
(A silence. The kids look at each other)
JAMIE Well – one thing I’ve been thinking about, a
lot actually, it’s kind of weird, you know that guy Harold Bloom?
WENDY Uh-huh.
JAMIE He has this theory about killing your idols.
Like you have to kill your idols in order to get past them and become your own artist,
and it’s totally Freudian, it’s like killing your dad or whatever, I’m not sure about having
sex with your mom, I don’t think that plays into the Bloom theory. Yeah, I’m pretty sure
that part’s irrelevant. No sex with mom. But that’s the basic idea. You know. Murder. Of
your, like, metaphorical forefathers.
WENDY So...how do you see that playing into our
playwriting class?
JAMIE I don’t know, I guess I’m just tossing it out
there.
WENDY We could certainly read Oedipus Rex –
JAMIE
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Oh, I didn’t mean it that, like, literally.
WENDY Or we could do some exercises where you imitate a playwright you admire.
JAMIE Murder by imitation. Like it.
WENDY Does that interest you guys? Andrea?
Sean?
ANDREA/SEAN Sure.
WENDY What else?
SEAN Um...I was thinking we could maybe like? I don’t know. I don’t know.
WENDY No, what?
SEAN Do some....screenwriting? Only if
everyone’s interested, ‘cause I know the theater, like. Dying art, or whatever. Whatever.
WENDY I think playwriting by itself will keep us
plenty busy this summer. Andrea, do you want to throw anything into the mix?
ANDREA Um. No.
WENDY Are you sure?
ANDREA I was just wondering if I’ll have time to
work on my poetry?
WENDY As long as you finish the playwriting
assignments for me, you can work on your own stuff during our free writing time.
ANDREA
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Awesome.
WENDY I have a question for you guys. You may
have noticed that among the acting students there is a severe shortage of the Y
chromosome.
JAMIE I have noticed and deemed it extremely
convenient.
SEAN Yeah.
WENDY So either I have to write a play that takes
place in a girls’ boarding school or...with your permission...I’ll cast you guys. And you
Andrea, of course.
ANDREA Me?
WENDY If you’ll agree.
ANDREA I don’t know...
SEAN I’d love to. That’s something I’m
really...yeah.
JAMIE Will we still have time to write our own
stuff?
WENDY I’ll make sure you do.
JAMIE I’m in.
WENDY Andrea?
ANDREA I’m not really an actor.
WENDY That’s okay, this is where you learn.
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JAMIE Come on, Andy!
ANDREA Andrea.
JAMIE My bad.
ANDREA I guess if you really need me.
WENDY I’d really like you to do it.
ANDREA I’ll think about it.
WENDY Thanks. That’s all.
(Sean and Andrea exit.)
JAMIE Hey, Wendy? Or ‘Ms. Wendy,’ or
whatever?
WENDY Wendy’s fine.
JAMIE I was wondering if you could get me like a
reading list? Of plays that I should be embarrassed that I haven’t read yet?
WENDY How old are you, Jamie?
JAMIE I’m a very tall sixteen, Wen.
WENDY I think you’re a few years away from
embarrassment. But you could start with Ibsen if you haven’t read him.
JAMIE
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Oh yeah, the whole well-made play, everything turns on the delivery of a document, it’s
cold here in Norway and WOMEN ARE SO OPRESSED, right.
WENDY So you’ve read him.
JAMIE No. Just drawing on the prevailing cultural lexicon. Should I start with Hedda?
WENDY The library should have it.
JAMIE Rockin. Oh, also, you know my sister’s in the acting program? Ellen?
WENDY I met her briefly.
JAMIE So this is sort of unorthodox, but I just
wanted to let you know that she can be kind of the worst auditioner of all time, ‘cause
she gets nervous, but she’s awesome.
WENDY Huh.
JAMIE So if you gave her like a huge part in the play, she would not let you down.
WENDY I’ll take that under consideration.
JAMIE I’m not just saying that because she’s my
little sister. In all seriousness, my parents got the gene combo perfect the second time.
Scientists should study her. Hug?
WENDY Um –
JAMIE Aw, c’mere!
He hugs her in an asexual, bear-like fashion.
JAMIE Keep it up, teach!
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Scene 4
The blackbox
Rehearsal. Diane and Morgan as Kayla and Raina.
RAINA I think it’s the apocalypse. Do you think it’s
the apocalypse?
KAYLA No, I’m sure it’s just...
RAINA What? How can you smile at a time like
this?
KAYLA I don’t know! Sometimes when I’m with you
I can’t help smiling. I shouldn’t have said that.
(to Wendy) Can ask you a question?
WENDY Sure.
DIANE Are they actually lesbians? Or...
WENDY What do you think, Diane?
DIANE I don’t think so.
WENDY No?
DIANE I think they’re just scared, ‘cause they’re in
the forest and it’s getting dark at like a really weird hour, so they cling to each other for
support.
WENDY Okay. Try it that way. Keep going.
KAYLA I shouldn’t have said that.
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RAINA It’s okay.
KAYLA Humiliated, no big deal.
RAINA You’re my best friend.
KAYLA Can we pretend that never happened?
RAINA What if I don’t want to pretend that never
happened?
(the two girls collapse into a giggling fit.)
WENDY What? Girls, what’s up?
DIANE It’s just –
MORGAN It’s so –
DIANE Funny!
WENDY Why is it funny?
MORGAN I’m sorry, I like the play and everything, and I like my part, it’s just so not me.
DIANE Me either!
WENDY Why not?
MORGAN I totally understand Raina, my character,
up until to this part, and then I’m like what? Because didn’t she like Taylor before? And
now she likes her best friend? Who’s a girl?
DIANE I know, like, ‘what?’
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WENDY Are you guys uncomfortable playing these
characters?
DIANE No.
MORGAN That’s not what I meant.
WENDY I could probably do some switching
around, maybe some of the wood nymphs would be interested in taking your roles –
DIANE/MORGAN No!
DIANE Like Morgan said, it’s not bad or anything, we’re not prejudiced, it’s just so not
us.
WENDY Well. That’s why it’s called acting.
(Charlotte enters tentatively)
CHARLOTTE Ms. Wendy? You asked me to tell you
when it’s four-thirty?
WENDY Thanks, Charlotte. We’ll pick up here
tomorrow, girls.
(Morgan exits. Diane lingers as she gathers her books)
CHARLOTTE Was that okay, the way I did it?
WENDY That was perfect. Actually, if you wouldn’t
mind being time keeper every day, it would really help me out.
CHARLOTTE Like stage manager?
WENDY If it’s not too much, in addition to your role.
CHARLOTTE
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No, it’s not too much. Maybe we could have a signal, like I could just wave? So I don’t
interrupt?
WENDY Sure, let’s try that next time.
(Charlotte hesitates, then exits.)
DIANE Ms. Wendy?
WENDY Yeah?
DIANE I apologize for my immature behavior in
rehearsal. I’m really honored that you chose me for the role of Kayla – that you thought I
could handle it? And I can. I won’t give you any more reason to doubt that.
WENDY Thanks, Diane.
(Diane starts to exit, then stops.)
DIANE Are you a lesbian?
WENDY What?
DIANE I’m just curious. It’s totally cool if you are.
WENDY Thank you.
DIANE No, I mean –
WENDY I’m not. A lesbian.
DIANE Do you have a boyfriend?
WENDY Don’t you have dance class?
(Diane exits)
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Scene 5
The dorm, after bedcheck. Angela’s room.
ANGELA White wine, bud light, vodka or gin?
WENDY/CAROL Vodka.
(Angela pours shots)
CAROL I’m glad you could join us, Wendy.
ANGELA We do this every night.
CAROL Not every night.
ANGELA I do this every night.
WENDY I’m sorry if I’ve seemed...
CAROL What?
WENDY Distant, or –
ANGELA That’s arright.
CAROL You haven’t seemed distant.
ANGELA Yes you have, but it’s fine.
WENDY Between finishing this play, and class, and
rehearsal –
ANGELA It’s a bitch.
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CAROL How is the play?
WENDY A big mess at the moment.
ANGELA It’s gotta be better than last year’s.
WENDY Yeah?
ANGELA We’ve had some stinkers her at the
S.A.C. You seem to have a pulse, that’s a good sign. Bottoms up!
(they shoot. Angela pours three more shots) So, new girl,
what do you think of our little program?
CAROL Don’t say anything you’re not comfortable
saying.
ANGELA Then what’s the point of the vodka?
WENDY I like my students.
ANGELA What do you think of Tim and Tammy?
CAROL Don’t make trouble.
ANGELA Carol wants you to dish, too, she’s just
polite.
CAROL Don’t drag an old lady into this.
ANGELA Oh, boo-hoo, thirty-eight, your life’s practically over. So, Wendy.
WENDY They...seem to work very hard.
ANGELA
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Mm-hm.. Drink this.
(Wendy does. Carol and Angela follow suit. A pause.)
WENDY Is Tim...
ANGELA Yeah?
WENDY Permanently on disaster watch, or...?
(Angela and Carol erupt into raucous laughter)
ANGELA Okay, story!
CAROL Story! Story!
ANGELA Last year, 6 AM, I’m sleeping here in this
room, my phone rings. What the fuck? Obviously a mistake. I wait it out. It stops. Two
minutes later it rings again. This time I count ten rings and answer the mother fucking
telephone.
CAROL With this mouth she’s allowed to teach
children.
ANGELA Suck my dick. It’s Tim. “We’re on red
alert.”
CAROL We’re on red alert! It was right after the
London bombings.
ANGELA “There is an emergency staff meeting in
half an hour.”
WENDY At six in the morning?
ANGELA At six in the -- ! We all show up –
CAROL We leave the kids asleep in the dorms, by
the way, unattended.
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ANGELA We show up and Tammy is crying, she’s
wearing this dress, that – I swear to God, it’s an American flag draped around her body
–
CAROL Tim hugs each of us when we get there.
ANGELA And then gives this thirty minute, mealy
mouthed sermon about how we are guardians of the -- what was it?
CAROL Custodians of the future?
ANGELA No one was allowed any time off until they
lowered the alert to orange. Like Al Qaeda was really fucking worried about a bunch of
fifteen year old stage queens in Massachusetts.
(they laugh)
CAROL It’s great that you like your students. That
goes a long way.
WENDY Carol, are you an artist yourself?
CAROL No. Not anymore.
ANGELA What?
CAROL I’m not an artist.
ANGELA You’re getting drunk.
CAROL That’s also true.
ANGELA Carol is an artist. She’s a very good artist.
CAROL
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That’s sweet, but I’m not.
WENDY You’re not.
ANGELA Since when?
CAROL Well, you’re an artist, all right? And you
take a teaching job, ostensibly to support your art, and then fifteen years pass, in which
you make very little art, possibly none, certainly none that’s good. And then at some
point when people ask, you stop saying “I’m an artist,” and instead you say, “I’m an art
teacher.” The question is, were you an artist those fifteen years you said you were? Or
were you an art teacher the moment you started teaching art?
(pause)
ANGELA Well that was a fucking downer, Carol.
CAROL Sorry.
ANGELA Have another drink.
CAROL No, I must get my beauty sleep.
(Carol exits)
ANGELA God I hope when I’m thirty-eight I’m not still here. Some advice?
WENDY Okay.
ANGELA Don’t get emotionally involved. Do your
job. Sleep at night.
WENDY Is that what you do?
ANGELA Me? I drink.
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Scene 6
The playwriting classroom
JAMIE Hey, Wendy? I have this idea, for a play? Do you have a few minutes, or...?
WENDY Sure.
JAMIE There’s this artist? Like
musician/magician/performer/conceptual jack-of-all-arts, you know, and he’s – or she’s,
I don’t know yet, he-she’s known for these amazing disappearing stunts, like David
Blaine sort of, or Houdini, but, like, better, because they’re not planned or advertised,
he-she will just be, like, grocery shopping, and then poof, or waiting in line at the bank
and – what the fuck!? So some of his-her – her, you know what? Her. Her most famous
stunts only two or three people have seen, some only one, and then there’s a written
record of all the times she disappeared with no witnesses, the art historians are all
creaming themselves, they’re like, post modern public private blah blah blah, books are
written, awards are given, invitations to galas are extended. And then. One day. She
disappears. And she doesn’t come back.
(pause) That’s as far as I’ve gotten.
WENDY Okay...
JAMIE Right. So what do you think?
WENDY Um –
JAMIE Oh also, she’s super duper private, but she
has this one student, like an acolyte, who’s like, say, fifteen or sixteen, and she’s been
training him in the art of disappearance, except training is a strong word, because she’s
just been saying this crazy Zen shit like “only when invisible can one truly be seen,” like
weird Eastern shit, so when she disappears this kid is the only one who has any hope of
piecing together her –
WENDY Write it.
JAMIE Huh?
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WENDY You seem really juiced. So just write it.
JAMIE You think? You don’t think it’s too...
WENDY What?
JAMIE Peter Shaffer?
WENDY Hard to tell when you haven’t written any
dialogue.
JAMIE Right. Cool! Cool.
(he begins to exit) Oh, hey, Wendinator?
WENDY Yeah?
JAMIE I like your play so far. It’s weird? But it’s
good? It’s like real teenage life, but totally wack. It’s, like, through the you-scope. I dig it.
WENDY Thanks.
JAMIE Hug?
(they hug.)
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Scene 7
The rehearsal room. Wendy, Tara, Jenny and Eric sit in a semi-circle, scripts in front of
them.
TARA It’s not that I don’t like the play, it’s that I don’t totally understand it.
WENDY Okay, Tara, what’s confusing?
TARA My character. Brianna.
WENDY Mm-hm.
TARA I don’t understand her motivation. I mean, I don’t think she has one. She’s just so
mean.
JENNY She is mean. But there are really mean
girls.
TARA Like who?
JENNY Well, like, the movie.
TARA No, but I’m saying in real life. Everybody
talks about how girls can be so mean, but I’ve seriously never known a girl as mean as
Brianna. And I’m, like, really popular at my school.
ERIC I definitely know girls that mean.
TARA Like who?
ERIC Like this girl at home dumped me after three days and told everyone I was a
player.
TARA You are a player.
ERIC
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No I’m not.
TARA Jenny?
JENNY You sort of are.
TARA So her motivation was that she didn’t want
to get hurt and look stupid. That makes sense. What’s Brianna’s motivation?
JENNY She wants everyone to love her.
TARA But being mean makes people hate her.
ERIC She’s a control freak.
TARA That’s a judgment, not a playable action.
ERIC What?
WENDY Would it help you to come up with a back-story for Brianna that justifies her
meanness?
TARA Um, I could, but it would just work so much better for me if it were actually in the
text.
WENDY Okay. I have to think about that.
(Charlotte enters and waves.)
Thanks, Charlotte. That’s it for today, guys.
TARA Thank you for rehearsal, Ms. Wendy.
JENNY Thanks!
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(the girls exit)
ERIC Ms. Wendy?
WENDY Yeah?
ERIC I don’t want to be, like, a pain, or anything...
WENDY What’s up, Eric?
ERIC I was just wondering why Jamie and Sean
got bigger parts in the play than me. I mean I know the whole, “it’s not the size of the
part, it’s the size of the actor,” thing. And I know they’re really smart and you like them a
lot, but they’re not even in the acting program. Not a big deal, just –
WENDY No, it’s a fair question. I’ll take a look at it.
ERIC Cool. So should I start memorizing Jamie’s
lines?
WENDY No, I mean, I’ll look at your role and see if
I can give you more to do. No promises, okay? But I’ll think about it.
ERIC Oh. Okay.
(he starts to leave)
ERIC You know I wrote a play once.
WENDY You did?
ERIC Yeah, for school in fifth grade. There were
like a hundred different animals in it. We were doing a zoology unit in science class.
WENDY
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I’d love to read it.
ERIC I don’t think I have it anymore. It was all right. I’m not stupid.
WENDY I know that, Eric.
He exits.
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Scene 8
The Blackbox The students begin to enter for rehearsal They are coming from musical
rehearsal and singing “Magic to Do” from Pippin. They may do elements of
choreography too.
STUDENTS We’ve got magic to do Just for you
We’ve got miracle plays to play We’ve got parts to perform Hearts to warm Kings and
things to take by storm
WENDY (Overlapping) Hi guys. Thank you. Thank you! Quiet, please. Guys, that’s
enough. Listen up!
(most of them have stopped but Lexie continues.)
LEXIE As we go along our way-ay-ay-ay!
WENDY (overlapping) Lexie! That means you.
(they are finally quiet. Cheerfully:) Please never sing that
song in my presence again. Thank you. We’re going to start blocking the play –
STUDENTS Woo-hoo! Yesssss, etc.
WENDY Quiet! We don’t have time to do a lot of
text work, because we’re on a tight schedule. Does anyone have any questions from
our read-through yesterday?
(brief pause)
No? Then let’s –
(Lexie has raised her hand)
WENDY Yes, Lexie.
LEXIE
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It’s not a question, it’s a comment.
WENDY Is it important to rehearsal?
LEXIE Yes.
WENDY Okay.
LEXIE Just a reminder that we should all have fun
because process is more important than project.
WENDY Product.
LEXIE What?
WENDY Thanks, Lexie. Okay –
(Charlotte has raised her hand.)
Charlotte, is this a question about the play?
CHARLOTTE Yes.
WENDY Go ahead.
CHARLOTTE How’s the audience gonna know that
Natalie’s dream is a dream? Aren’t they just gonna think it’s the wood nymphs casting
another spell on me?
(chorus of “yeahs”, “ohs” etc.)
WENDY Quiet please! We’re going to try to make it
very clear with staging. But I’ll also take a look at the wood nymphs’ speech after your
dream to see if I can clarify that. Okay Charlotte?
DIANE
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Wait – you mean you’ll, like, change the play?
WENDY I’m going to think about it, yes.
CHARLOTTE Oh – I didn’t mean –
WENDY That’s okay, Charlotte. You made a good
point.
(Morgan raises her hand)
Morgan?
MORGAN I don’t think Raina would use the word
“apocalypse.”
WENDY Why not?
MORGAN Cause it’s like a really big word.
WENDY Can you find a way to make it work?
MORGAN Well could you change it?
WENDY No. Okay!
(chaos ensues over the following as the kids start chatting and haphazardly finding their
places onstage.)
Brianna, Margo, can I have you upstage here, Chelsea and Regina, over here, Taylor –
where’s Taylor? Here. Guys, please keep quiet while I’m doing this or we’ll never –
guys, come on. Don, Natalie on this stump...
Angela enters, cases the joint, and silences the chaos with an impressive yell.
ANGELA Quiet, monkeys!
(they are immediately quiet)
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Did Ms. Wendy ask you to be rude and talk while she’s talking? Ms. Wendy, is that what
you asked them?
WENDY Um. No.
ANGELA Not. A peep.
(she looks threatening over them, then pulls Wendy aside)
WENDY Thanks. They’re not usually –
ANGELA You’ll get the hang of it. The trick is not needing them to like you.
WENDY Huh.
ANGELA Tim wants to see you.
WENDY During rehearsal?
ANGELA Get used to it.
WENDY Those of you in the interlude, work with Angela, the rest of you take a seat.
ANGELA Silently!
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Scene 9
The office.
TIM How’s everything going?
WENDY Great!
TIM Class, rehearsal?
WENDY Good, good!
TAMMY Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
TIM Great. Great. We have a few notes about things that have to be changed.
WENDY Okay...
(seeing what they are looking at) Oh – you mean in my play?
TIM In your play, yeah.
TAMMY Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
WENDY Oh! Really.
TIM Just a few um – here we go, page 2.
P.M.S.?
WENDY Excuse me?
TIM The word P.M.S. Can you change that to
something else, maybe...whatever you think, I’m not sure.
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WENDY Why?
(They look at her.) I’m sorry, can you tell me why I can’t use the word – the acronym
P.M.S.?
TIM It’s just not appropriate for the teenage
environment.
WENDY Because...menstruation is dirty and
shameful?
TIM/TAMMY No.
WENDY Well I don’t think it’s “pre” you’re objecting to, and I don’t think it’s
“syndrome.”...
TIM It’s just not what parents who have paid five
thousand dollars want to hear their kids talking about.
TAMMY No.
WENDY Okay...
TIM Now there are a few occasions when you
use the word “freaking.” “Really freaking angry,” “the whole freaking thing.”
WENDY Right.
TIM We can’t have that. We just can’t.
WENDY Well, I was trying to represent teen
speech.
TAMMY Mm-hm.
WENDY So it was a sacrifice to use “freaking,” but I chose it as a substitute. For
“fucking.”
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(they stare at her)
TAMMY Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
TIM The problem with freaking, though, is people just think. You know.
WENDY Fucking.
TIM Right.
TAMMY Exactly. Mm-hm.
WENDY So it’s not what I write, it’s what the
audience might think?
TAMMY Well –
TIM Again, it’s the parents. We have to be very
careful. We’ve been doing this for a long time –
WENDY Okay, what else?
TIM This business with the – these “masturbating monkeys.” Aren’t gonna fly.
WENDY Why?
TIM It’s just not –
TAMMY It’s not –
TIM It’s not what parents sent their kids here to
learn about. They’ll say “I wanted my child to learn about singing and acting, I talk about
this stuff with them at home.”
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Draft 7.26.07
WENDY I have the feeling the parents who talk
about this stuff at home are not the parents who will object to a mention of masturbation
onstage.
TAMMY Mm-hm. It’s the monkeys. It’s the monkey
business.
TIM Tammy, let me handle this.
WENDY There is just a single mention of monkey masturbation in the context of a
biology class.
TIM There is a half page of dialogue on this subject, and the “M” word is used twice.
WENDY The M word?
TAMMY It’s the parents, the phone calls, you
wouldn’t believe the –
WENDY Freaking, masturbation, what else?
TAMMY PMS.
WENDY Right, how could I forget?
TIM You know I think that’s...for now I think that’s
it.
WENDY Thank you!
TIM For the single words. Then there’s one last thematic concern.
TAMMY Mm-hm. A more general...
WENDY Hit me.
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Draft 7.26.07
TIM Since this is a play for and about teenagers. We want you to adjust the sexuality
theme.
WENDY Adjust it?
TIM We want you to take it out.
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Draft 7.26.07
Scene 10
The playwriting classroom, after class.
JAMIE So I was thinking, there’s this cover band,
except it’s not a cover band, all their songs are original, but they attribute the songs to
really well known artists, like they’ll be like, “this next song is Hang With Me by Bob
Dylan.” Bob Dylan never wrote a song called Hang With Me, but it sounds like Dylan,
actually it sounds sort of like the best song Dylan ever wrote, and mysteriously when the
press contacts Bob Dylan he’s like, “yeah, I’m really honored they chose to cover my
song Hang With Me.” So the lead singer and songwriter, who’s my age, has this stalker,
who’s your –
WENDY Jamie?
JAMIE Yo.
WENDY Am I an immoral person?
JAMIE Huh?
WENDY As my student, do you feel I’m dispensing
immorality to you, as though through an IV drip?
JAMIE What are you talking about?
WENDY Last night I dreamed you came to a party
at my house and you drank too much and got sick, and I looked over at you and your
ears were bleeding and I knew it was because you had heard things that you weren’t
supposed to.
JAMIE You have dreams about me?
WENDY Just that one.
JAMIE I dreamed that you walked out of the ocean
toward me wearing a delicately wrought seaweed garment that was modest yet
flattering and you sang the song of the sirens while hanging a chain of seashells about
my tender throat.
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Draft 7.26.07
(brief pause) Do you think the teacher/student relationship is essentially romantic?
WENDY Did you come up with that all by yourself?
JAMIE Ooh. A flirtatious rejoinder. No I did not. I read it online. So what do you think?
WENDY It’s one way of looking at it.
JAMIE What’s the other way?
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Draft 7.26.07
Scene 11
Angela’s room. Angela, Carol, and Wendy drinking.
Scene 11
Angela’s room. Angela, Carol, and Wendy drinking.
WENDY What would Mark say?
CAROL Mark would never make you cut PMS.
ANGELA But he also wouldn’t undercut Tim’s authority his first year in charge.
CAROL What are you going to do?
WENDY I don’t know. Those kids are smart, they’ll
figure out what happened and they’ll feel like I let them down.
ANGELA Is it an important line?
WENDY Not really, but it’s the principle.
ANGELA I think if you make some of the changes
he might overlook the places you put your foot down.
WENDY (to Carol) What would you do?
CAROL Me? I would do what he wants. But I’m not
brave like you.
(a knock at the door.)
ANGELA Fuck.
(they scramble to hide the booze and cups. Another knock.) Coming! All clear?
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Draft 7.26.07
WENDY Yup.
(Wendy and Carol strike positions of casual repose as Angela opens the door to reveal
Charlotte)
CHARLOTTE Oh – sorry. Is this a staff meeting?
ANGELA CAROL/WENDY
Yes. No.
ANGELA We just finished. What’s the matter?
CHARLOTTE I have a stomachache
ANGELA Like throw-up stomachache?
CHARLOTTE I don’t think so.
ANGELA Diarrhea?
CHARLOTTE No.
CAROL Like cramps?
CHARLOTTE Maybe.
WENDY Did you take anything?
CHARLOTTE I don’t have anything.
ANGELA I have something.
CHARLOTTE
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Draft 7.26.07
I’m really sorry.
ANGELA Don’t mention it.
(Angela exits into the other room. Carol feels Charolotte’s forehead.)
CAROL No fever.
(Charlotte doubles over a little in pain.)
WENDY Come here.
CHARLOTTE What?
WENDY Lie down here.
Charlotte lies on the bed next to Wendy. Wendy gently lifts her t-shirt and rubs her
tummy. Charlotte is awkward at first, but gradually submits to be being touched.
Does that help?
CHARLOTTE Mm-hm.
WENDY I used to get terrible cramps at your age. I don’t know why they’re so bad at
first.
(Charlotte seizes.) Okay, relax.
CHARLOTTE It’s weird, it – comes and goes. It hurt a few days ago – then went away –
WENDY Just breathe. Good. Through your nose. In. Out. Easy. That’s good. Nice and –
ANGELA (re-entering) Here you go. Oh, sorry.
WENDY That’s okay.
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(Charlotte sits up and takes the pills.)
CHARLOTTE Thank you.
ANGELA Do you think you can fall asleep now?
CHARLOTTE I’ll try.
Charlotte goes to the door. She looks back, as though to say something to Wendy,
chickens out, and leaves.
ANGELA Odd duck.
CAROL She’s the one, right? With the...
ANGELA Yup.
WENDY The what?
ANGELA The hair puller. The puller of hair.
WENDY Oh my gosh!
CAROL I’ve been checking, though, she has all her eyelashes and everything.
ANGELA Well. Even money whether she needed
Midol or just attention.
WENDY You think she was faking it?
CAROL Either way, it’s fine, we were up.
WENDY No, no way, she wouldn’t do that.
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ANGELA I don’t know if she would or she wouldn’t, I don’t know her that well.
WENDY She’s the nicest –
ANGELA I’m not saying she’s not nice.
WENDY No, there’s actually something very adult
about her.
ANGELA There I disagree with you, but okay.
WENDY Why do you disagree?
CAROL Is this really important?
ANGELA When I was fifteen I could take care of
myself when I had cramps, I didn’t need someone to rub my belly and tell me I’m great,
that’s all I’m saying.
WENDY She didn’t ask for that, I just did it, so it’s actually me you have a problem with.
ANGELA I have no problem, Wendy, you asked me a question, I answered it.
CAROL Ladies! Please.
(Pause. Angela has retrieved the vodka from its hiding place and pours three more
drinks.)
ANGELA Kids like that, you want to be careful. I’m
not saying be cold. But look out for yourself. If something goes wrong you don’t want to
be the one who was close enough to miss it.
WENDY I guess I have a different teaching
philosophy.
ANGELA Cheers to that.
(Angela toasts. Uneasily, they drink.)
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Scene 12
Play rehearsal. Sean (Jason) and Ellen (Liz) are rehearsing their scene in the forest.
JASON I want...to lose my virginity to you.
LIZ (frightened) Oh.
JASON And soon.
LIZ Really?
JASON How does two and a half years sound?
LIZ Um...
JASON I think we should wait until after
graduation, don’t you?
LIZ Totally.
JASON Cool! Cool. I’m not gonna make you, you know. Sign anything, or...So.
(the actors look at each other, then out toward the audience)
SEAN So should we kiss, or...?
WENDY (stepping in from the audience) Yeah, um – well, next time we run it,
go ahead with the kiss. If that’s all right. Is that all right?
SEAN/ELLEN Yeah.
WENDY
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Any questions?
(pause) I want to make sure you feel totally comfortable in this scene. So don’t hold
back, okay?
(they look at each other)
ELLEN Well, since you brought it up...
SEAN We’ve been talking?
ELLEN And since it’s been, like, a while since you
were a teenager, it’s totally understandable, but it wouldn’t actually happen this way.
This scene?
WENDY No?
SEAN/ELLEN Noooo.
WENDY So what about it doesn’t feel authentic to
you?
SEAN The whole waiting two and a half years
thing.
ELLEN Yeah.
SEAN It’s not realistic.
ELLEN Maybe people waited that long, like, twenty years ago or whatever, but not
anymore.
SEAN A year would be a long time.
ELLEN A really long time.
SEAN We don’t even care, you know, it’s up to you. Just if you want to be realistic.
(JAMIE emerges from the shadows)
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JAMIE It’s not a realistic play.
WENDY Jamie?
JAMIE I mean there’s a band of wood nymphs and
a magic spell and an interruption in the earth’s rotation. We’re not dealing with a realistic
world here.
ELLEN But the teenage characters are realistic.
JAMIE Are they?
SEAN They seem realistic.
ELLEN They are realistic. They’re encountering all
these magical things but they’re basically real kids.
SEAN Yeah, they have parents, and school, and
cell phones –
JAMIE I’m saying in a play where wood nymphs
cast a spell to make the sun set early you can have teenagers wait two and a half years
to fuck.
WENDY Jamie!
ELLEN/SEAN No you can’t.
JAMIE Why not?
ELLEN Because it’s not real, it’s sentimental, and precious. No offense.
JAMIE It is not!
SEAN
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Dude, don’t get all defensive.
JAMIE I’m not defensive!
ELLEN Okay, you’re my brother, and I love you,
but you so are.
JAMIE I’m fucking not!
WENDY Language.
SEAN She doesn’t have to change it, we were just telling her what we think.
JAMIE I hope she doesn’t change it, because it would be a stupid change.
ELLEN That’s your opinion.
JAMIE You guys don’t understand the play.
WENDY Guys –
ELLEN We do understand the play, and we were trying to have a rehearsal, actually.
JAMIE Well it’s not very professional to question
the playwright.
WENDY Actually I asked their opinion, and I think
they’re right. I appreciate your support, Jamie, but this is not your rehearsal.
JAMIE Whatever. Makes no difference to me.By
the way, it would have been nice to hear it from one of you. Sean. Sis.
(he exits)
WENDY Okay. Can we take it from the top of that
scene?
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ELLEN I’m sorry –
(Ellen exits in tears.)
WENDY Anything you want to tell me?
SEAN Um, we’re...I guess...dating? And he’s...I
guess...pissed.
WENDY Huh. Maybe you should...
SEAN Yeah.
(Sean exits. Wendy gathers her stuff. Charlotte enters and waits for Wendy to notice.
She steps in and waves.)
CHARLOTTE Ms. Wendy?
WENDY Oh! Oh. Hi, Charlotte.
CHARLOTTE I’m sorry. I tried waving.
WENDY I guess rehearsal ended a few minutes early. How’s your stomach today?
CHARLOTTE Better.
WENDY Good.
(Charlotte hovers, turns to go, then turns back. She twirls her hair vigorously.)
CHARLOTTE Actually could I ask you something? If it’s a good time. If it’s not a good
time –
WENDY It’s a fine time.
CHARLOTTE
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What -- ? Made you cast me as Natalie?
WENDY Are you not happy with the part?
CHARLOTTE No! I mean yeah! It’s such a big part
and everything. I was just wondering why you thought I would be good for it.
WENDY Well. I think Natalie is smart, and serious,
and kind, and sometimes a little sad. And I don’t know you very well, but you strike me
as all those things. I also think you’re very natural onstage, very honest, and it was
important to me that whoever plays Natalie has that quality. Does that answer your
question?
CHARLOTTE Yeah.
WENDY Is that all you wanted to ask me?
(Charlotte nods. Wendy reaches out and moves Charlotte’s hand away from her hair)
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Scene 13
The playwriting classroom. Andrea is reading a poem that she has written on her arm.
ANDREA ...He leaves no traces, like a letter written
in lemon juice But never held over the flame. He is my flame. He is my burn. He is. He.
(a silence)
WENDY Thanks, Andrea. Thank you. Does your
poem have a title?
ANDREA Invisible Ink.
WENDY Invisible ink. Great. Great. Guys,
comments?
(brief pause)
SEAN It was really moving. Really – I don’t know.
Yeah.
ANDREA Thanks.
WENDY Jamie, do you want to say anything?
JAMIE Is it part of a play?
ANDREA No.
JAMIE Then I don’t have any comments.
WENDY Jamie –
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ANDREA She said I could work on my poetry
during extra time.
JAMIE That’s fine, it’s just not what I’m here to
discuss.
WENDY Come on, you can do better than that.
JAMIE Okay...um, I think it’s ironic that a poem
called “Invisible Ink” is scrawled in ugly black handwriting all over your arm.
(Andrea exits)
Oh, is class over?
WENDY Sean –
SEAN Yup.
(Sean exits)
JAMIE God, detention. At camp.
WENDY Listen, I’m sorry I took Sean and Ellen’s suggestion over yours. It wasn’t
personal.
JAMIE No, of course not. You and I just had a
minor artistic disagreement, but you don’t need my approval for revisions.
WENDY I certainly don’t. It’s my play.
JAMIE Totally.
WENDY And you’re my student.
JAMIE Thanks for the update. See you tomorrow.
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(he tries to exit)
WENDY Jamie!
JAMIE Yeah, what?
WENDY You’re acting like a child.
JAMIE I am a child, remember? I’m your student.
WENDY Well I expected a lot more from you.
JAMIE You’re not the only one who’s
disappointed.
WENDY Come back here!
JAMIE Why?
WENDY Tell me why you’re so angry at me.
JAMIE Because you humiliated me! I stood up for
you and you humiliated me. I would never have done that to you.
WENDY I’m sorry. Jamie, I’m so sorry.
JAMIE And everyone’s having sex. It’s so fucking
alienating. You probably have sex with...whoever. My sister’s probably going to have
sex and she’s two years younger than me! “No one waits two and a half years. A year is
a long time to wait.” Well she better wait a year, the little slut. God. And with him. My
best friend here. Yuck.
(He has overturned a desk.) Sorry.
(Wendy closes the door.)
WENDY
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That’s okay.
(she hugs him. He holds on.) Can I tell you a story?
JAMIE Can you tell it in this position?
WENDY When I was your age –
JAMIE So this is nineteen thirty...?.
WENDY When I was your age, shut up, I went
through a phase where –
JAMIE A phase, huh?
WENDY Will you listen? When I was a complete
Puritan. I refused to go to any parties, ever, I effectively forbade my friends to go to
parties. I thought I was on some kind of crusade against – I don’t know what. Drinking? I
guess drinking. The thing is, I think I had it in my head that I had been left out, that’s
what my big crusade was all about. I felt rejected, so I went on the offensive. I basically
became a creepy teenage extension of my parents. Or of all parents, everywhere, or
something.
JAMIE Had you been rejected?
WENDY Looking back, I don’t think so. I think I
made that part up.
JAMIE Moral of the story: drink up, kiddo, get over yourself and drink the beer.
WENDY No.
JAMIE No. I know.
WENDY I think you’re so.....great.
(he leans in to kiss her. She moves away.)
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JAMIE Sorry.
WENDY Forget it.
JAMIE Ugh...asshole!
(he grabs his stuff and leaves)
WENDY Jamie!
(Tim enters)
TIM Knock knock.
WENDY Tim!
TIM Is this an okay time?
WENDY (overlapping) Jesus Christ.
TIM I could come back.
WENDY Sorry! Sorry. It’s a fine time. I’m just...a little low blood sugar.
(Tim produces a handful of Hershey kisses)
TIM I always carry these around for the kids. We
had a student almost faint a few years ago. You could just see it, she started to sway,
her legs were about to give out –
WENDY Thanks.
(she takes one. They both eat Hershey’s kisses.)
TIM Tammy and I have been worried about you.
You look a little under the weather? Maybe a little upset?
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WENDY I’m a little exhausted.
TIM Take tonight off.
WENDY Really?
TIM Get off campus. Turn off your phone. We’ll cover for you in the dorms.
WENDY Thanks, Tim.
TIM Have you been able to make some of those revisions we talked about?
WENDY I’m working on it.
TIM Terrific. You know Tammy and I really hate
to be the heavies. It’s the one part of this job we don’t like at all. It’s just the parents –
WENDY I know.
TIM You’re young, you’re still in grad school, this
is just a summer job for you. Don’t get me wrong, we hope you’ll come back next year,
we think you’re great. But two years, maybe three, you’ll move on. For Tammy and me,
it’s part of our lives. It’s the first time Mark has entrusted us with the Conservatory, and I
can’t let him down, Wendy, I won’t do that.
WENDY I understand that, but –
TIM And we care about this place. It’s where we
“summer.” So if it means changing a word here, a word there, you understand why in
the scheme of things it’s not so important.
WENDY But that’s what I do.
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Draft 7.26.07
TIM I’m sorry?
WENDY I change a word here and a word there. I
put a bunch of words together and hopefully it adds up to a play. It is important to me. At
least as important as this camp – conservatory – is to you.
(they eat Hershey kisses in silence) I think I should tell you.
That I can’t take the sexuality theme out.
TIM You mean you won’t.
WENDY No; I mean I can’t. I don’t know how to
write a play about teenagers without acknowledging their curiosity and confusion about
sex. I’m not encouraging crass or precocious behavior. But I can’t avoid the issue
completely.
(Tim finishes a Hershey kiss. He does his honest best to smile at her.)
TIM Well. I can’t write your play for you. Please
try to remember that you’re putting at least three jobs at stake. That’s not counting your
own, because I know you’re not concerned about that.
WENDY Thanks for the chocolate.
TIM You’re welcome. By the way, we went over a
lot of rules during orientation, so it’s understandable that you would have forgotten one.
But please avoid being alone with a student, and if a private meeting is absolutely
necessary, keep the door open.
(he exits)
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Scene 14
Morning announcements.
TIM Today temperatures are going to be in the
mid-nineties. Okay? Gotta hydrate. Gotta hydrate. Especially now that we’re coming up
on dress rehearsals. Can everyone hold up their water bottles please? Good, Morgan.
Tara. Eric. All looking good. Playwrights? Where are your water bottles? You think this
is funny? It’s funny that we have record heat waves out there and you’re unprepared?
You may not be in my classroom, but that doesn’t mean you can pick which rules you
obey and which you don’t. It’s not that kind of program. You want to fool around and
take canoes out on the lake and sing Coombayah go to summer camp. We’re serious
here. Some of us are. So if you continue to disrespect your classmates and yourselves
I’ll be happy to call your parents and explain to them why you have to leave and why
your tuition will not be refunded.
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Scene 15
Tim and Tammy in Tim’s office. Wendy bursts in.
WENDY If you’re pissed at me, yell at me. Don’t take it out on my kids.
TIM Wendy, I’m choosing to believe that your
students were unprepared today because of their own disorganization and not because
you haven’t been emphasizing hydration in class.
WENDY I haven’t been emphasizing hydration in
class.
TIM Is that true?
WENDY I have been emphasizing writing in class.
Tim, I don’t understand why they have to drink so much water when it is air conditioned
to Arctic temperatures in this building. I am wearing a fleece.
TIM I’m concerned about the students’ safety. I’m
responsible for them and I don’t take my position lightly.
WENDY I don’t take mine lightly either, that’s why I don’t enforce stupid rules.
TIM You’re way out of line.
WENDY I know that. I know. I think our students
should be expected to drink when they’re thirsty, like adults, and I think it’s fine if they
want to walk to the dining hall in the rain, and I think we should raise sensitive issues
instead of ignoring them, and I don’t think masturbation is shameful, and I am clearly not
the right match for this camp!
TIM You signed a contract. Do your job. I don’t enjoy being lectured; I’m not a grad
student.
He attempts to exit.
WENDY No, you are a rigid, inflexible, arrogant, repressed asshole with control issues.
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(he stops)
TIM And who are you? You’re a writer-for-hire. At
a summer camp. I’m sorry your career isn’t turning out to be everything you want it to
be, Wendy. But rise to the occasion, okay? For the kids. Excuse me, I have rehearsal.
(he exits)
TAMMY Tim can be a little...he’s not a homosexual.
Most people think that. But he’s not. I guess I should know! In fact of all the people in
the world, I think Tim admires Mark most.
(Catching herself) Oh dear. Did you know Mark was...? Well
anyway, Tim would really have liked to be on Broadway. He lived in New York, you
know, for almost a year. Trying. That was before we met. But he’s given up on all that
now and he loves teaching. I don’t love teaching. I love music. Tim loves teaching. So.
You know it’s my fault we can’t have children –
TIM (OS) Tammy you’re late!
TAMMY We’re not terrible people. I’m sorry it’s
been so –
(Tammy reaches out to Wendy, who shrinks from her touch. Tammy responds to this
rejection and exits.)
End Act I
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ACT II
The forest. The setting should be utterly unlike what the audience has become
accustomed to in Act I. This is not an amateurish school production but a beautiful and
magical realization of Wendy’s vision.
Wendy enters, dressed as a Wood Nymph
Wood Nymph 1 (to the audience) Hello fair audience! With your consent I’ll take this
moment for an author’s note. Foreseeing opposition, I’m intent To justify this little play I
wrote
Is innocent the word we use for those We wish to remain innocent about? Are children
innocent? Do we impose Their innocence upon them from without?
It’s truth I’m after; if I’ve missed the mark, What harm, then, in our fantasy tonight? Or, if
I my play illumines what was dark, I humbly ask you to withstand the light.
And now it’s time our first scene has begun. From hereon think of me as Wood Nymph
One.
Wendy exits.
Natalie enters, examining the forest floor as she walks. Don enters and watches her for
a moment before speaking..
DON Hey, do you have a partner?
NATALIE I’m working alone.
DON Word. Me too.
(pause. Natalie continues to work) But aren’t we, like,
supposed to work in pairs?
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(she doesn’t respond) Man, what a day, right? Sometimes I
wonder what people did like a million years ago before ipods and air conditioning and
HBO on demand, like, how did they stay in a good mood? What was there to look
forward to? And then there’s a day like today and I’m like. “Oh.” You don’t believe these
woods are actually haunted, do you?
NATALIE Yes.
DON Really?
NATALIE But I think we’re safe since it’s not Halloween yet and there’s no film crew.
DON Sarcasm. Atta girl.
NATALIE Don’t patronize me.
DON I’m not. Mushroom.
(He points to a mushroom on the forest floor. She picks it up, then extends it to him)
DON No, Natalie, you can have it.
NATALIE You spotted it.
DON I want you to keep it.
NATALIE Don! It’s not that easy.
She drops the mushroom and exits. Don exits separately.
Kayla, Raina, Liz, Jason, Taylor, Brianna, Margo, Chelsea and Regina enter, all
laughing.
KAYLA And Mrs. Lavery was like, “masturbation has been observed in many animal
species.”
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REGINA Oh my God!
RAINA And Don was like, “I’ve totally seen that on
the nature channel with monkeys, I have it on TiVo, I’ll bring it in!”
KAYLA And Mrs. Lavery goes, “Well, Don, while I appreciate the thought, and – and the
gesture”
JASON She was totally stuttering!
TAYLOR So is he gonna bring it into class?
(Silence. All look at Taylor.)
BRIANNA No, but I could ask him to burn you a
copy if you want.
TAYLOR Thanks, but no thanks.
BRIANNA I mean, if you want it for your own private
use –
MARGO Brianna!
TAYLOR That’s okay. Really.
KAYLA (to Liz and Jason) Do you guys want us to leave so you can make out?
(laughter and ooohhs from the crowd)
LIZ Shut up! No.
BRIANNA Don’t be embarrassed. I mean, it is a
biology field trip.
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(laughter)
REGINA Come on guys, don’t be mean.
JASON Fine.
LIZ What?
JASON We don’t have to stay here and take this.
LIZ But –
Liz allows herself to be dragged off as the others hoot, laugh, etc.
MARGO Watch out for ghosts!
BRIANNA And STD!
TAYLOR Yeah – be careful!
KAYLA Lame.
RAINA I think they’re cute.
BRIANNA Let’s go, Margo.
MARGO ‘Kay.
TAYLOR Wait up, I’m coming too.
BRIANNA No you aren’t.
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TAYLOR Margo, can I carry your –
BRIANNA Um, wow, are you deaf, or possibly
retarded? No.
(Brianna bumps into Chelsea, hard, possibly on purpose. Brianna and Margo exit)
Oops! Sorry, darkness.
(Chelsea glares)
RAINA You can work with us, Taylor.
TAYLOR Nah, I’m cool.
RAINA But you’re not supposed to work alone.
TAYLOR It’s all good.
(he exits)
RAINA Kayla, what’s wrong with me?
KAYLA Nothing.
RAINA If you don’t tell me, I can’t fix it.
KAYLA Nothing’s wrong with you, Raina.
Kayla follows Raina off.
Regina goes to Chelsea where she has been sitting on the ground, apart from the
group.
REGINA Why are you sitting on the ground?
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CHELSEA I hate autumn.
REGINA Why?
CHELSEA Because it just gets colder and colder. I
wish winter would come already. Why the interminable preamble?
REGINA It’s better that it’s gradual. It would be
cruel if we woke up one day and summer was gone.
CHELSEA But that happens anyway. We wake up
one day and summer’s gone. Then we wake up every day for months and summer’s
more gone every day.
REGINA I like the fall. I like hot apple cider and fried donuts and pumpkin patches.
CHELSEA Those are all things that were invented to
distract you from the tragedy of your lost youth. Congratulations. You’re very
susceptible to society’s ploys to mollify you.
REGINA Chelsea?
CHELSEA Yeah?
REGINA Have you ever gotten up in the morning
and thought: I’m gonna be in a good mood today?
CHELSEA Um. No.
REGINA You could start with a neutral mood and work your way up to good.
CHELSEA I appreciate your good intentions,
Regina, but you’re telling me to apply a band-aid to a bullet wound.
REGINA
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Okay!
CHELSEA Where are you going?
REGINA To enjoy the forest. Come if you want.
Regina exits. Chelsea reluctantly follows.
The wood nymphs enter.
WOOD NYMPH 1 Have they come early or did we lose
track?
WOOD NYMPH 2 They come around the time of the
first frost.
WOOD NYMPH 3 We’ve not yet planned our mischief
for this year.
WOOD NYMPH 1 Think quickly, for our chance is
quickly lost!
They think.
WOOD NYMPH 3 A sleeping potion.
WOOD NYMPH 2 Cruel!
WOOD NYMPH 1 And inexact. Remember how the hermit slept for days.
WOOD NYMPH 2 A lovers’ potion
WOOD NYMPH 1 Sweet, but it’s a fact That it’s been done in much more famous plays.
WOOD NYMPH 3 Let’s trap them
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WOOD NYMPH 1 boring.
WOOD NYMPH 2 trip them?
WOOD NYMPH 1
Juvenile. They’ve given us no cause to be unkind.
WOOD NYMPH 2 Disguis’d we could their human
hearts beguile.
WOOD NYMPH 1 And once we are discover’d?
WOOD NYMPH 2 Never mind.
WOOD NYMPH 3 A flood?
WOOD NYMPH 1 We did that last year.
WOOD NYMPH 3 Thundercloud?
WOOD NYMPH 2 Or mist? Or wind?
WOOD NYMPH 3 A forest floor trap door?
WOOD NYMPH 2 There’s always mice.
WOOD NYMPH 3 Mice?
WOOD NYMPH 2 Just thinking out loud.
WOOD NYMPH 1 Nymphs, focus! All of these we’ve
done before!
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(they think)
WOOD NYMPH 3 An early sunset’s fun and
unforeseen.
WOOD NYMPH 1 & 2 An early sunset!
WOOD NYMPH 2 Bringing early night!
WOOD NYMPH 1 Without their eyes they’ll see by other
means.
WOOD NYMPH 2 Remember we the spell to dim the
light?
WOOD NYMPH 3 Salamander, rabbit ears, Crickets’
corpses, owl’s tears, Lilac petals, hair of doe, Blood fresh from a beaver’s toe.
WOOD NYMPH 1 Waste no more words! In half hour’s
time we meet. Need I remind you ne’er t’unveil yourselves? Speak not to them, appear
not, and perform All necessary work once it is dark. Between you both the elements
procure. With speed! Begone! What are you waiting for?
The wood nymphs exit. Natalie enters, walking slowly and looking at the ground. Don
enters separately.
DON How’s the collecting?
(Natalie ignores him) I caught a salamander but I let him go.
Those guys survived like a billion years of evolution, it doesn’t seem right to seal ‘em in
a zip lock. Yeah, so, I know you’re, like, monumentally pissed at me, and I want you to
know that that’s okay.
NATALIE Oh, thank you.
DON
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Okay, that came out wrong. I just mean you can be pissed at me as long as you want,
and then you can one day want to hang out again, and that’ll be cool. I won’t think it’s
weird or ask you a lot of questions or anything.
NATALIE Is this supposed to be an apology?
DON That’s interesting: no. I’m not sorry, and I
don’t want to lie to you. I respect you too much. You see Natalie, we may have these
highly evolved brains, but basically we’re animals. We have to do all the same things
animals do. I’m not gonna apologize for my nature.
(Natalie exits)
What? What’d I say?
(He exits in pursuit of her) (Jason runs on, pursued by Liz)
LIZ Give it back!
JASON No!
LIZ Give it to me! Jason!
(she pounces on him, they struggle, ending up on the ground together with Liz on top of
him, straddling him. They become still. Jason hands Liz back her hairband.)
LIZ Thank you.
JASON You’re welcome.
(After a moment, Liz climbs off of Jason.)
JASON Have you found any samples?
LIZ No. I’ve been with you the whole time,
remember?
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JASON Oh. Yeah.
LIZ Jason?
JASON Yeah?
LIZ I think...never mind.
JASON No, what?
LIZ I can’t say it.
JASON Yes you can.
LIZ I want...to lose my virginity to you.
JASON Oh.
(a mortifying pause) Now?
LIZ No!
JASON Oh –
LIZ I mean –
JASON No, sorry, that was a stupid –
LIZ No it wasn’t, it wasn’t stupid.
(another mortifying pause)
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JASON I’d like that too. I mean, for you to lose
your – or to lose my – I mean, yeah. I think that sounds really nice.
(They kiss. They exit. Kayla and Raina enter)
RAINA Every single adult I’ve ever known is like,
‘enjoy your youth. Youth is wasted on the young.’ Or whatever.
KAYLA So?
RAINA So, I’m like, ‘wait. It gets worse?’
KAYLA They just don’t remember.
RAINA You think?
KAYLA They remember being skinny and not
paying bills. They don’t remember feeling like crap.
RAINA Sometimes I wish we lived in a country where they have arranged marriages.
KAYLA Do you really like Taylor, Raina?
RAINA I don’t know. I really don’t like it that he
doesn’t like me.
Kayla picks up a buttercup.
KAYLA Here. Hold this buttercup under your chin. If it reflects yellow, you’re in love.
RAINA You don’t really believe that.
KAYLA Oh, wow.
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RAINA What?
KAYLA I see a voyage.
RAINA Are you messing with me?
KAYLA A long voyage. With lots of obstacles, and something at the end, like a quest.
RAINA Do I find what I’m looking for?
KAYLA You find something, but it might not be what you were looking for.
RAINA What about Taylor?
KAYLA It doesn’t say anything about Taylor.
Raina takes the buttercup, holds it under Kayla’s chin.
RAINA Who are you in love with? Wait!
Raina follows Kayla off. Taylor enters alone. He hears Margo and Brianna coming.
MARGO (OS) My mom almost didn’t let me come on
this field trip.
BRIANNA (OS) Why?
Margo and Brianna enter. Taylor hides.
MARGO She was like, “are there gonna be boys
there?” I was like, “yeah, mom, you send me to public school. It’s co-ed.”
BRIANNA My mom never cares where I am. She’s like, “whatever, don’t get pregnant.”
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MARGO You are so lucky.
BRIANNA Mom and I have a don’t ask don’t tell
policy. It cuts both ways. I definitely do not want to know what she does in her spare
time.
Taylor appears.
TAYLOR Ladies! What a wonderful surprise.
BRIANNA Did you hear something, Margo?
MARGO Um...
BRIANNA Because I thought I heard something, and I definitely think I smell something.
TAYLOR (attempting to laugh good-naturedly) Right, right. Hey, Margo, I wanted to ask
you –
BRIANNA No, retard, the answer is no. Clear?
TAYLOR Excuse me, Brianna, I was talking to
Margo.
BRIANNA Actually you weren’t, dimwit, but it rhymes with talking and it begins with an
S.
TAYLOR Margo, I was wondering if –
BRIANNA Wow, we’re not communicating. Maybe if I speak more slowly –
TAYLOR (with violence) I’m not stupid!
(he collects himself) I’m sorry your home life sucks, Brianna, but you don’t have to take
it out on me.
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Margo, I was wondering if I could take you to the corner confectionery one day after
school.
MARGO ...I don’t...like you. Like that. Sorry. I’m really sorry. I just...
BRIANNA Now go away, and have a good cry, and set some reasonable goals for
yourself. Okay?
(Taylor exits)
MARGO That was not necessary.
BRIANNA Um, you’re welcome.
(They exit) (Don enters following Natalie)
DON I’m very, very attracted to you. Is that a
crime?
NATALIE Don!
DON Tell me what I’m doing wrong.
NATALIE I thought you liked me. I thought you
thought I was smart.
DON Natalie, you’re like class valedictorian. You know you’re smart.
NATALIE So can we just talk? Remember talking?
DON Of course we can. For a while. But I’ve
gotta tell you, because I want to be honest with you, that I’m gonna get frustrated after a
certain amount of just talking.
NATALIE Maybe you should consider being a little
less honest.
DON
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Do you not have these feelings? I want to know. Because I’m looking at you, in this
light, and the ground is all wet and like, fecund and shit, and it smells like earth and
rotting leaves, and I’m like aaagggghhhh! You know? Do you know?
(Pause)
NATALIE No.
DON Word. Okay. So you don’t feel that way about me? Like, at all?
NATALIE No. I’ll see you later.
DON Liar.
NATALIE What?
DON You’re lying, you know exactly what I mean,
you little –
(he has grabbed her arm)
NATALIE (overlapping) Let go of me!
(Jason and Liz have entered)
LIZ Don!
JASON What are you doing, man?
DON We were just talking.
LIZ Come with us, sweetie.
DON Natalie, come on, I was just –
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JASON Dude, leave her alone.
(Jason and Liz usher Natalie off.)
(Wood Nymphs enter.)
WOOD NYMPH 2 Salamander, rabbit ears,
WOOD NYMPH 3 Crickets’ corpses, owl’s tears,
WOOD NYMPH 2 Lilac petals, hair of doe,
WOOD NYMPH 3 Blood fresh from a beaver’s toe.
WOOD NYMPH 1 Gods of water, fire, and sky Look
upon our wooded earth Assist our mischief from on high Dark enchantment grant us
birth.
An immediate reduction in sunlight, as though the sun has dropped suddenly toward the
horizon.
In four discrete parts of the stage, four separate groups: Raina and Kayla in one part,
Chelsea and Regina in another, Jason, Liz and Natalie in another and Brianna and
Margo in the last.
Lights shift so we see Raina and Kayla. During Raina’s speech, Kayla hides.
RAINA You know when you’re in a movie theater,
waiting for a movie to begin, and you keep thinking it’s getting darker, but it’s not? And
when the lights eventually do dim, you’re like, ‘oh, that was actually really noticeable,
my eyes were totally playing tricks on me before.’ I keep thinking it’s getting darker. It
must be my eyes, right?
(brief pause) Kayla? Kayla? Kayla!
(Kayla jumps out and grabs Raina. Raina screams.)
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You are so mean!
KAYLA You don’t actually believe it’s haunted, do
you?
RAINA Alan Tate saw a witch here two years ago.
She was old and scrawny and she ate squirrels. Is it time to go back to the bus?
KAYLA Not yet.
RAINA Don’t you think it’s weirdly dark?
Lights shift.
REGINA Have you noticed it getting kind of dark?
CHELSEA Not really. I live in darkness.
REGINA Chelsea, I’m asking you a practical
question. Is it just me or is the sun setting at, like, three o’clock in the afternoon?
CHELSEA You’re asking the wrong person, Regina.
The sun has never been an entity of which I have any particular interest in keeping
track.
Lights shift.
JASON Is there an eclipse this afternoon or
something?
LIZ Not that I know of.
NATALIE The next solar eclipse won’t be for two
years.
JASON Must be rain clouds.
LIZ
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I didn’t bring an umbrella.
NATALIE It isn’t rain clouds.
Lights shift.
BRIANNA You were never gonna tell him yourself.
MARGO Yes I was. Nicely.
BRIANNA Well it’s kind of a drag being on bitch
patrol all the time because you can’t tell anyone what you actually think.
MARGO I never asked you to do anything for me.
BRIANNA Please, you’d last about a day and a half
without me.
MARGO I was alive for fourteen years before you spoke to me. I did okay.
(Margo gets up)
BRIANNA Where are you going?
MARGO To pee.
BRIANNA Well hurry up, it’s really freaking dark.
Lights shift.
RAINA Okay, this is not normal. I think it’s the apocalypse. Do you think it’s the
apocalypse?
KAYLA (laughing) No, I’m sure it’s just...
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RAINA What? How can you smile at a time like
this?
KAYLA I don’t know. Sometimes when I’m with you
I can’t help smiling. I shouldn’t have said that.
RAINA No, it’s okay.
KAYLA Okay, humiliated. No big deal.
RAINA You’re my best friend.
KAYLA Can we pretend that didn’t happen?
RAINA What if I don’t want to pretend that didn’t
happen?
(Kayla looks at her. Lights shift.)
REGINA I think we should spend some time apart.
CHELSEA What do you mean?
REGINA I can’t take your negativity anymore. So
I’m going.
CHELSEA Where? We’re in a forest and it’s almost
pitch black.
REGINA So you admit it’s getting dark?
CHELSEA Obviously.
REGINA Then why didn’t you say so before?
CHELSEA
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Because it was a stupid question.
(Regina exits.) Regina, wait. I’m sorry!
Lights shift.
LIZ Jason, hold my hand. Hold Natalie’s hand
too.
JASON What?
NATALIE You don’t have to.
JASON No, I don’t mind, just –
LIZ Do it!
(he does. This makes everyone uncomfortable.) Now
somebody talk about something not scary.
NATALIE I can’t think of anything not scary.
LIZ Oh my God. I don’t want to die.
Taylor wanders blindly into the area where Brianna has been waiting alone. Brianna
hears him.
BRIANNA Margo?
(Taylor freezes) Margo, please tell me that’s you.
TAYLOR Brianna?
BRIANNA Who is that? Don? This isn’t funny! Who’s
there? Hello? What do you want?
She feels around in front of her. Taylor catches her wrists.
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Help me!
TAYLOR (in an altered voice) Who’s gonna help you,
Brianna?
BRIANNA How do you know my name?
TAYLOR Come with me.
BRIANNA No. Please.
TAYLOR I said come with me!
(he drags her offstage)
Interlude with music.
Regina and Margo wander onstage from opposite sides. Wood Nymph 2 brings them
together and joins their hands.
Kayla and Raina enter, holding hands. Wood Nymph 3 shoves them into each other.
They wrap their arms around one another’s waists and continue.
Chelsea enters, attempting to light her way with a cigarette lighter. Wood Nymph 3
takes it away from her. She wanders blindly off.
Natalie, Jason, and Liz enter, holding hands. Wood Nymphs 1 and 3 switch Natalie and
Liz’s positions. Jason draws Natalie in for a kiss, which she surprisingly returns. Jason
realizes his mistake. They exit.
Taylor drags Brianna onstage. Wood Nymph 2 attempts to separate them and take
Brianna away. Wood Nymph 1 returns Brianna to Taylor.
The wood nymphs exit. The music stops.
Don enters.
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Hello? Helloooooo? Can anybody hear me? Natalie? Jason? Liz? Taylor?
(Wood Nymph 1 appears) Mrs. Lavery?
(pause) Somebody help me!
WOOD NYMPH 1 Shhhhhh.
DON Hello?
(he listens. He begins hitting his own head)
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Freaking wake up!
WOOD NYMPH 1 It’s all right, Don.
DON Who is that?
WOOD NYMPH 1 Don’t be afraid..
She touches him.
DON Oh God.
WOOD NYMPH 1 Shhhh.
DON That...feels...so....[good]
WOOD NYMPH 1 Sleep.
Her touch makes him fall sleepily to the ground. She exits.
Margo and Regina enter
REGINA My only question is, where’s the moon?
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MARGO What time is it?
REGINA Almost 3 AM.
MARGO My parents must be freaking out.
REGINA There it is!
MARGO What?
REGINA The moon! See? The world hasn’t spun
off into deep space!
MARGO Or it took the moon with it.
REGINA We should go to sleep.
MARGO Why?
REGINA Because that will show we believe there’s going to be a morning.
They lie down together. Kayla and Raina enter.
RAINA What happens next?
KAYLA Well, if the sun never comes up, we perish
here, together. If it does, we face the ridicule of our classmates. Which do you think is
worse?
RAINA The first one. I don’t want to die. I’ve
known you since nursery school but I feel like we just m –
Kayla kisses her, long and hard.
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KAYLA Was that okay?
RAINA I’m not sure. Do it again.
(Kayla does)
RAINA Still not sure.
(Raina grabs her and kisses her again. They separate.)
KAYLA Well?
RAINA I think until I’m really sure we’ll have to
keep doing that.
(they fall to the ground, kissing. Lights shift. Natalie, Jason and Liz are entering)
LIZ I want to see my little sister again. I want to
graduate from high school. I want to go ice skating this winter, and see the crocuses in
the spring, and—
JASON Liz, you have to calm down.
LIZ Give me one good reason to calm down! It’s the end of the world.
JASON Honey –
LIZ And don’t honey me! After you’ve been pawing at Natalie all night.
JASON Pawing!
LIZ I saw you.
JASON
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It’s pitch black.
LIZ Then I sensed it.
JASON I have not been pawing at Natalie.
NATALIE He hasn’t been.
LIZ Look me in the eye and tell me that.
JASON I can’t see you.
NATALIE I’m gonna leave you guys alone to work
this out.
LIZ You can’t leave, Natalie, it’s dark. Jason, tell her she can’t leave.
JASON Natalie, please don’t leave.
LIZ I didn’t say beg her!
JASON I can’t win! Oh, God, I sound like my dad. You’re turning me into my dad!
LIZ Do you or do you not want to have sex with
Natalie?
JASON That is so unfair!
NATALIE Guys –
LIZ Answer the question.
JASON You really want me to?
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LIZ Yes.
JASON You are actually asking me to—
NATALIE You don’t have to –
LIZ Shut up, Natalie! Do you or do you not –
JASON Yes! I want to have sex with Natalie!
Liz slaps Jason. Jason slaps Liz back. She tackles him. They fall to the ground and roll.
She kisses him. Lights shift. Taylor drags Brianna onstage.
BRIANNA Sir, whatever I’ve done, I’m very sorry –
TAYLOR (in his altered voice) Shut up! Now sit.
(he pushes her roughly to the ground. He hadn’t planned this part.)
TAYLOR Do you repent?
BRIANNA For what?
TAYLOR For what, King.
BRIANNA For what King. I beg your pardon, King.
TAYLOR Do you repent for your sins against your
peers?
BRIANNA What do you mean? King?
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TAYLOR Do you repent for snobbery, intimidation,
meanness? Do you repent for superiority and undue power? Do you repent for your
beauty? And for your body? And for your unclean parts?
Chelsea enters, unheard and unseen. She listens.
BRIANNA I repent for snobbery, intimidation...
TAYLOR Meanness.
BRIANNA And meanness. And superiority and power. I repent for my...beauty?
TAYLOR And for your body.
BRIANNA I repent for my body.
TAYLOR And your unclean parts.
(pause) Say it.
BRIANNA Please.
TAYLOR King!
BRIANNA Please, king!
TAYLOR Say it!
BRIANNA I repent! I repent for my –
CHELSEA That’s enough! Leave her alone.
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BRIANNA Oh my God, thank God.
TAYLOR The king obeys no mortal.
CHELSEA Very funny. Game’s over.
TAYLOR I said the king obeys –
CHELSEA Give it up, Taylor.
BRIANNA What?
TAYLOR You totally suck.
BRIANNA Taylor?
TAYLOR Traitor.
CHELSEA Sleep it off, Taylor.
(Taylor walks off a little ways and lies down.) Okay, let’s be
clear about one thing. This doesn’t mean I like you.
(Brianna chokes back a sob.)
Brianna?
BRIANNA What do you want?
CHELSEA Are you okay?
Chelsea finds her way to Brianna. Awkwardly, she puts an arm around her. Brianna
allows herself to be held It’s okay. It’s over.
BRIANNA I’m scared.
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CHELSEA Me too.
All sleep. The wood nymphs enter.
WOOD NYMPH 1 The spell is finished. Soon the sun
will rise.
WOOD NYMPH 3 Look how they lie; all order
rearranged.
WOOD NYMPH 2 The night has passed but light will
shadows cast.
WOOD NYMPH 1 This morning they’ll awake utterly
changed.
The wood nymphs exit. An owl hoots. Natalie sits up. (What follows begins
naturalistically, gradually gathers a sinister, nightmarish quality. Just before each new
person speaks, they sit up abruptly)
NATALIE Hello?
DON Natalie?
NATALIE Don?
DON Did you yell?
NATALIE I heard something.
DON Probably just a bird. Or a coyote.
NATALIE Coyote?
DON
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Coyotes are native to these parts. Don’t worry; they’re more scared of you than you are
of them.
NATALIE Oh.
DON It’s the raccoons you have to worry about.
NATALIE Raccoons?
DON Only the rabid ones. They’ll scratch your
eyes out.
NATALIE Oh God.
DON But you should be fine as long as you don’t run into a brown bear.
NATALIE Are there really bears?
DON If you’re lucky, they crush your skull with the
first bite. That way you don’t feel any pain.
NATALIE Stop it.
DON What’s the matter, Natalie?
NATALIE Nothing.
DON You look guilty. Did you do something
wrong?
NATALIE No!
DON You can tell me, Natalie.
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NATALIE Leave me alone!
LIZ Natalie? What’s the matter, sweetie?
NATALIE It’s Don. He’s scaring me.
LIZ Well I’d love to help you but unfortunately you had sex with my boyfriend.
DON What???
NATALIE I didn’t have sex with Jason!
JASON I told her everything.
NATALIE But I didn’t do anything.
BRIANNA Slut.
MARGO Floozy.
CHELSEA Easy.
REGINA Backstabber.
KAYLA/RAINA Whore.
NATALIE It was dark – I got confused –
TAYLOR I hope you’ve been practicing your swing,
Natalie.
NATALIE
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My swing?
TAYLOR You know.
TAYLOR/DON/JASON For baseball.
NATALIE What do you mean?
DON First base, second base Sloppy second,
third base All the way home.
(The kids chant the following three times in unison, at first playing childish games like
patty cake and hopscotch, gradually closing in on Natalie with menace)
ALL (but Natalie) First base, second base Sloppy
second, third base All the way home!
NATALIE (overlapping) Stop it. Shut up. All of you, shut up! I said stooooop!
As the children finish, they collapse on the ground, asleep. Wood Nymph 2 enters and
sees Natalie standing, shaking. She touches Natalie gently and Natalie collapses to the
ground in uneasy sleep. Wood Nymph 1 enters.
WOOD NYMPH ONE The light comes, sister. Time for us
to sleep.
WOOD NYMPH TWO I like not how this daughter sweats
and turns. As though in anguish or in sickness pitched. She’s pale, she shakes, she
dreams but does not rest. Is it mischief we dispense? Or grief?
WOOD NYMPH ONE Our nature is to needle, theirs to
learn. We hastened night. We did not fill their heads
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With dreams. Those are their own. Leave them to dream Such dreams as dream they
may. Our work is done.
WOOD NYMPH TWO But –
WOOD NYMPH ONE Surely you do not mistrust me, nymph!
The nymphs exit.
A beam of light shines from the horizon.
Suddenly and altogether, as though from a nightmare, the kids wake up.
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ACT III
WENDY As you may have noticed, I did cut the
acronym PMS.
(Charlotte cries out)
The reception of my play was somewhat overshadowed by a trip to the emergency
room.
Trichotillomania. A psychological disorder characterized by the urge to pull out one’s
own hair. While most trichotillomaniacs concentrate exclusively on head hair, others pull
eyebrow hair, eyelash hair, beard hair, body hair and pubic hair. Some
trichotillomaniacs ingest the hair they have pulled, leading to a condition known as
trichobezoar, see Rapunzel Syndrome, see Human Hairball.
The emergency room. Tim and Tammy address an unseen doctor.
TIM She just collapsed, clutching her stomach –
TAMMY Her med forms are right here –
TIM She looked like she was having trouble
breathing –
TAMMY She has no history of stomach illness –
WENDY (to the audience) The CT Scan showed a mass in Charlotte’s stomach and
large intestine.
TIM Cancer? Does it look like cancer?
WENDY (to the audience) Humans cannot digest hair.
TAMMY Oh, no. Oh my -- .
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WENDY (to the audience) And unlike cats and some other mammals, we don’t have a
mechanism to cough it up. So –
TIM Surgery? What’s the timeline?
WENDY (to the audience) Charlotte’s parents live in California; they hadn’t come to see
the play. A phone call is made; forms are faxed; consent is given. Charlotte would go
under the knife the next morning. She is sedated. We return to campus for an
emergency meeting.
Staff room
TIM We better come up with a detailed, day by
day account of this girl’s activities since she arrived here at the conservatory.
Orientation weekend. Did anyone notice hair pulling?
(heads shake) Bald spots?
(heads shake again) How about hair twirling, other
concerning hair behaviors?
WENDY What’s a concerning hair behavior?
TIM If you weren’t clear on that, Wendy, you
should have asked during our first meeting. This is not the time –
TAMMY Tim.
TIM What about in dance class, Angela?
ANGELA Charlotte was an excellent dance student.
She was focused and attentive, I never noticed a problem.
TIM How did she wear her hair?
ANGELA In a bun.
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TIM Interesting. Did anyone see her with her hair
down?
CAROL I did.
TIM When?
CAROL At night. In the dorms.
TIM Did you notice any bald spots?
CAROL No.
TIM Maybe the bald spots were on the underside
of her hair.
ANGELA Then we would have seen them when her
hair was up.
WENDY Maybe the mass was already there before
camp started.
TIM This isn’t a camp, and the doctor said the
attack was probably the result of some recent hair eating.
CAROL Could she have pulled out someone else’s
hair?
ANGELA I think they would have noticed.
TIM Think, people! This happened on our watch.
I’m going to have her parents here on the first plane tomorrow morning and I better
have an explanation for why we missed this!
(brief pause)
WENDY Could she have pulled hair from
somewhere else on her body? So we wouldn’t have seen it?
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TIM I don’t think that’s possible.
WENDY I think it’s likely.
TIM Do you have some reason to think that?
Wendy?
WENDY I came into the dorm bathroom one day
and she was getting out of the shower. She hadn’t wrapped her towel around herself
yet, and I noticed...some patchiness. A lot of – bald spots, I guess.
TIM Where?
WENDY In her pubic region, Tim, what do you
think?
TIM I don’t know what to think, Wendy. You’re
telling me, A, that you looked at one of your students’ naked bodies, and B, that you
didn’t tell me about it?
WENDY I thought it was a private matter. I didn’t
know she was pulling it, I thought she was experimenting with different...grooming
styles.
TIM Well this is terrific. This is just great.
WENDY It’s hardly something her parents can expect us to be accountable for.
TIM Oh no, they’ll just think: Bolton Summer Arts
Conservatory. That’s the place that drove my daughter to consume her own pubic hair.
WENDY She had the disorder beforehand.
TIM And do you know what the doctor told me?
That it’s reactivated by stress and other environmental factors. Well I’ve got some ‘other
environmental factors.’ How about “First base, second base, sloppy second, third base,
all the way --- “
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WENDY Excuse me, it’s after midnight, I’m going to
sleep.
TIM You will not leave this room until this matter
is resolved.
WENDY This matter will be resolved tomorrow
morning when Charlotte’s hair mass is surgically removed.
TIM Physically, yes. Psychologically? Who
knows how much damage has been done to her this summer.
WENDY She loved the play. She loved her part.
TIM And then she went home and abused herself. Something’s not quite right there.
WENDY I can’t take responsibility for every psychological disorder that comes through
this place.
TIM (overlapping) That’s right, you can’t take responsibility. What the heck kind of stunt
was that, Wendy?
WENDY I warned you I couldn’t make all those
cuts.
TIM You didn’t warn me you were gonna make it
worse.
WENDY Worse? Well, I’m sorry you didn’t like my
play, Tim –
TIM This is not about you! Wake up, Wendy! You
cast a vulnerable, troubled young woman in a sexual role! That was a poor judgment
call. And now we have a very sick girl on our hands.
WENDY I have nothing more to say about this.
(to the audience) I went back to my room. But I didn’t feel like sleeping. So I went to
Angela’s room.
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ANGELA Drink up, girl.
WENDY No thanks, it might dull my rage.
CAROL She’ll be all right. Kids recovery so quickly
from everything.
WENDY The fucking nerve of that guy. That mass must have been building up for
years.
ANGELA He’s just freaked out because Mark comes back tomorrow it’s his ass on the
line.
WENDY Well he doesn’t have to take it out on me.
(Carol and Angela look at each other neutrally) What?
CAROL Hm? I’m sure you’re right, I’m sure the hair was mostly from before
Conservatory.
WENDY Angela?
ANGELA What?
WENDY What do you think?
ANGELA Honestly?
WENDY Yeah.
ANGELA I think most of the hair was old. But some
of it was new. And I think it wasn’t the best call to cast Charlotte as Natalie, given her
history. But you couldn’t have known this would happen, and you should let me pour
you a shot.
WENDY Why shouldn’t I have cast her?
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ANGELA Honey, I’m on your side –
WENDY No tell me, what was the problem with casting Charlotte in that role?
ANGELA Well. Carol and I were just talking about
that –
CAROL Angela!
ANGELA Well we were. And we were saying, Carol
was saying, actually, that Charlotte probably doesn’t have any sexual experience
herself, and she’s probably very self-conscious about that. So having to reenact that
dream sequence every day was probably frightening and – humiliating? Was that the
word you used?
CAROL I don’t remember, Angela.
ANGELA We’re all adults here, she’s not gonna
break.
WENDY So I should have screened for sexual experience before casting the play?
ANGELA No, you should have written a different
play. In my opinion. That and a dollar gets me a cup of coffee.
Wendy exits.
ANGELA Wendy!
WENDY I left the dorm with no particular plan. It was almost two in the morning.
Tammy enters, walking hurriedly. They bump into each other.
TAMMY Oh!
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WENDY Sorry.
They recognize each other. Tammy attempts to continue past Wendy.
WENDY You’re out late.
TAMMY Tim thought it would be a good idea to
check in at the dorms. You know, after all the excitement.
WENDY I just came from the girls’ dorm,
everyone’s asleep.
TAMMY Mm-hm. Good. Well I’ll just stop in.
WENDY Carol and Angela are there.
TAMMY Good night, Wendy.
WENDY Tammy.
(Tammy stops) What do you think?
TAMMY About what?
WENDY I don’t know, about anything.
TAMMY You’ll have to be more specific, I don’t
know –
WENDY What is your opinion about any single
thing in this world?
TAMMY I don’t have one. I don’t have a mind of my
own, is that what I’m supposed to say? May I go?
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WENDY Why do you let him treat you like that?
TAMMY What do you know about me?
WENDY I know that he bosses you around, and
patronizes you in front of the kids. They talk about it, you know, about how he snaps at
you during rehearsal and rolls his eyes when you make a mistake. It upsets them. You
shouldn’t put up with it.
TAMMY What should I do, Wendy? Hm? You went
to an Ivy League college, maybe you can tell me how to improve my marriage.
WENDY Tammy –
TAMMY You think you can show up here and look
down your nose at us and win the kids over to your side. We may not be sophisticated
people, but we try to do the right thing. We care about those kids.
WENDY I care about them too. I have worked my
ass off this summer.
TAMMY I know you have. But you made a big
mistake. I’m sorry, let me say that in a way you’ll understand. You fucked up. And a
child is very sick. I’m going to lose a lot of sleep over that. I know that Tim will, too. Will
you?
Tammy exits.
WENDY At that point I made a questionable
decision. I found Jamie.
JAMIE (waking up) Mom?
WENDY No, Wendy.
JAMIE What the F?
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WENDY Meet me outside, if I get caught in
here...no one will be surprised. He came outside smelling like aftershave.
JAMIE I’m ninety percent sure this is a dream, and ten percent like “what?”
WENDY Did you hear about Charlotte?
JAMIE Yeah, she had some tummy attack?
WENDY So it turns out she’s been eating her own hair and she needs stomach surgery.
JAMIE Whoa.
WENDY You worked with her, all the time, right?
JAMIE Yeah.
WENDY Did she ever seem, I don’t know,
humiliated?
JAMIE Humiliated?
WENDY Or upset, anxious –
JAMIE Yeah, she always seemed upset and
anxious.
WENDY Especially so during rehearsals?
JAMIE I don’t know, that’s the only time I really saw her. What’s going on, Wen?
WENDY
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There seems to be consensus among the faculty that I drove Charlotte crazy by casting
her in the role of Natalie.
JAMIE That’s insane. You know that’s insane,
right?
WENDY I’m not sure. I’ve lost my compass.
JAMIE How could your play possibly be
responsible for her hair eating habit? That’s totally illogical.
WENDY Well it was her pubic hair. That’s the
wrinkle.
JAMIE What?
WENDY They think – I don’t know, sexuality, and
the play, the whole baseball thing, then pubic hair –
JAMIE She was eating her own pubic hair?
WENDY Is that really worse than eating somebody
else’s pubic hair?
JAMIE That is fucked up.
WENDY So they think there’s a connection
between the sexuality theme in my play and Charlotte’s disorder.
JAMIE I can’t really speak to that. I can tell you
that the sexuality theme in your play did not lead me to ingest my own pubic hair. But
that’s just not the way I roll.
WENDY Jamie, remember when you got so angry
at me?
JAMIE Yeah.
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WENDY Why was that?
JAMIE Because you didn’t take my suggestion.
WENDY That’s not the real reason.
JAMIE (he thinks) Because...because you were bringing a lot of shit up that was really
fucking confusing. In the play. And then you have this body, also, and it was just like.
Double whammy. Does that answer your question?
WENDY Yeah.
JAMIE Does it make sense?
WENDY Yeah.
JAMIE (brief pause) So I read that Ibsen guy.
WENDY Yeah?
JAMIE I don’t know, I thought Hedda Gabbler was
sort of awful, you know this monster? But then I was like. Dude. That would suck.
WENDY Hm.
JAMIE As a chick? At that time? To be married to
this total dimwit, and in the pocket of that creepy judge, and then her great love dies in
this sordid and utterly disappointing way, and to be pregnant on top of all that? And I
mean what if it’s a girl, then Hedda is just staring into this hall of mirrors that is her
child’s future, and her own past, and like....I don’t know. I cried.
WENDY
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Really?
JAMIE Upon reflection. Yeah, I did. It’s like five
thousand years later and I’m a guy, but...I guess that’s what you try to do. Write shit that
matters.
(pause) Are we ever gonna have sex?
WENDY No.
JAMIE No. I know. That was awkward.
WENDY Do you have any questions for me,
Jamie?
JAMIE Like...
WENDY I just mean, if there’s anything you want to ask me. Anything you’re curious
about.
JAMIE Agh, that word!
WENDY What, curious?
JAMIE It’s like an accusation, curious, it’s so
invasive, like I know you’re thinking dirty thoughts, I know you’re curious –
WENDY I’m not accusing you of anything. I just
wanted to let you know that you can ask me anything you want.
JAMIE I know how it happens. Like, the basics. I’m
all set with that.
WENDY Never mind.
(brief pause)
JAMIE
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Wait, no, that is fucked up, you don’t get to do that.
WENDY What?
JAMIE Because that was basically an invitation to
talk about sex, like you won’t do it, you’ll just raise the subject, and we’ll sit here, the two
of us, alone, in the middle of the night, talking about sex, but you haven’t done anything
wrong, you’re still within your bounds –
WENDY Then let’s not talk about it –
JAMIE No, you offered –
WENDY Then let’s talk about it.
JAMIE I don’t know, Wendy, that would be
inappropriate.
(Jamie takes out a flask and takes a swig)
WENDY What is that?
JAMIE This? Is known as a flask.
(He takes another swig)
WENDY Jamie!
JAMIE What?
WENDY Are you drinking?
JAMIE Wendy, drinking is an important teen issue. I’m merely raising it.
WENDY Give me that.
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JAMIE No.
WENDY Jamie!
JAMIE It’s mine.
(she wrestles it from him. She drinks)
WENDY Coke.
JAMIE Pepsi! You should not do one of those
taste tests.
WENDY That wasn’t funny.
JAMIE Yes it was.
WENDY If I thought you were really drinking...
JAMIE Yeah, then what?
WENDY I would suddenly become very
responsible.
JAMIE Well if you’re in the mood to be responsible, I have some of the real stuff
upstairs.
WENDY Bluff.
JAMIE You think so?
(he exits)
WENDY
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It was getting close to three in the morning. I suddenly remembered that it was my
birthday – for three hours I had been twenty-eight-years old. I couldn’t help but notice
that on this occasion I was outside a boys’ dormitory waiting for a sixteen-year-old to
emerge with booze. The correct thing to do in this situation, I thought, was to go home.
Whatever excuses could be made for hanging out with a horny sixteen-year-old at 3
o’clock in the morning, alone, I knew I should leave. And in my own defense, I stood up
to go.
(she does) Then I sat back down.
(she does)
Jamie reenters with a bottle of champagne. She does not turn to look at him.
JAMIE I’d like to propose a toast.
WENDY I’m not dignifying your little game by
turning around, Jamie.
JAMIE To you, Wendy. Because you treated us
like adults. Even when we would have preferred to be treated like children.
WENDY You know it’s customary to toast after the wine has been poured.
JAMIE Because it’s better to eat the forbidden fruit
than to go hungry.
WENDY Is it, though?
JAMIE And because. I fell in love with you. And I
think you fell in love with me a little too. And you’re never gonna say that so I’m saying it
for both of us.
WENDY Jamie.
JAMIE Shut up.
Jamie pops the cork. Champagne overflows copiously from the bottle.
Blackout. End of play.
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