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How to bea

Adrian Edmondson
with Mark Leigh and Mike Lepine
 Digitized by the Internet Archive
In 2022 with funding from
Kahle/Austin Foundation

https://archive.org/details/howtobecompleteb0000edmo
 How to be a
COMPLETE
nA,
rot,
aN mS (ee Hibs
eetiag— Se ef —e-F

AS:,/AR i

I dedicate this book to
myself (because I’m
Bloody Great!)
First published in Great Britain
in 1986 by Virgin Books,
328 Kensal Road,
London W10 5SXJ
Copyright © 1986 by Adrian
Edmondson, Mark Leigh and
Mike Lepine
ISBN 0 86369 182 X
All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be
reproduced or transmitted in any
form or by any means, electronic
or mechanical, including
photocopy, recording, or any
information storage and retrieval
system, now known or to be
invented, without permission in
writing from the publisher.
Printed and bound in
Great Britain by Chase Web
Offset, Plymouth
Typeset by Witwell Ltd, Liverpool
Designed by Sue Rawkins for
The Bloomsbury Group
Distributed by Arrow Books
CONTENTS
Foreword By A Famous Bastard ................
00.00 cece cece eee eeeeees 4
| Introduction By A Complete Bastard ...........0.0....00.0e
cece eeeeeeens 6
- HOW ToeReGa TMS BOOK. gre fee a ea oe ee 8
m Growing:Up A Bastard (oo, ooaen. cee ow ies donors
Sheen 9
[| The Little Bastard’s First Easy Reader .................0.0..cc0ceeeeeeees 10
| The Bastard’s School Scrapbook ....................cecccceeccecceeees 12
fe Philosophical Bastard (2.2 ..020-s10...2-.c
aco ee 18
a The: Gollege Bastard oii... ssctcca 0 ce Se eee a ee eee 19
Be Bastardslager =. 0s..." )buqhetvas tou ued occ 2) 2 eee re 20
| The Bastard Guide To Flat Sharing ....................00ccesceeseeeaeee 21
m How 'lo.Be A Bastard Freshers 22627150 Goin cn oases eecnncee ee 22
am How To Be A Sexist Bastard. psa. 25.2 ees 24
= A Bastard Guide Lo Contraception, qawsse 0-05 28
ie The Bastard tn Bed’ 3.32205 ch ec, eee tans ae ee 30
_ How To Expose Yourself Without Getting Arrested ...................00.. 32
_ Totally Bastard Things To Do Number 1...................00...0
cee eee 33
_ Totally Bastard Things To Do Number 2 .............0.0..0ccc
cece eee 34
= The Statue Of Bastardy ;......2025.i0.2
cnc coso.0s an oe ee 35
Bastard Things To Do When You Finally Get
Your Hands:On:A Steamroller<. 327. .0.-2 5.) recs ee ee 36
__ How To Be A COMPLETE Bastard To The Deaf .......................... 36
_ How To Be A Bastard In The Shoe Shop.................00.cccceeeeee
ees 37
5 Bastard At The Wheel 3s: ac ss.7. 22 ooo 38
_ The Bastard’s Highway Code ..................0...cc0cccceceeees 41
_ How To Hold Your Own Kamikaze
m Death Squadron Rally «....:202......4.,
0.00. dec a eee 45
= How To Cut Through Red:Tape:... .2..0.<: ..... :se5.30 co en 46
BD Club Bastard oo. cccb sy ceviche nes cn vie eee eee er 47
_ Bastard Ways To Make Lots Of Money ....................0.c0cceeee
eee 50
| Totally Bastard Things ToDo Number 3...................00.
ceceeeeeees 52
mS Bastard: Perverts oi. 5 05.00.s.040. veces ede oe ee 53
BASTARDGAMES 2)... 2.8... +. ss .0 dcoieue di: Genera teen an 55
m Bastard Advertising . ...2.6.:cc4 «04:0 sence en eee a 56
The 9 To.5 Bastard). cc. :i6-s2de..cccaseseonionsem
eee eee 58
_ Totally Bastard Things To Do Number 4...........00. 0000 cccc ceceeee 58
Bastard.On The. Dole. eee See ee eee . 60
Totally Bastard Things To Do To Yourself...................
0ccece eee ee
How To Be A Euro Bastard
Bow7lo be: A Party; Bastard 05:8 ccce Seether ee
Brome, Of Aipastard PODStAN =... 2 - .., Moen ene nee ace eee
Gratuitous Violence Section...
How To Be A Bastard To Your Friends .................0... ee ccceeeeeees
Bastard Big NODS «2. crac cs. doe oe Oe a en, Ree
How To Be A Bastard Best Man .............0... 0. cece eee eeecence eeee

How To Be A Bastard At Your Child’s Party........................00005.

POSES ETS USA (0 ee RC
How To Be A Bastard TV Controller.................... 0... cece cece eee
Being A Bastard To Kids At Christmas .................. 00. .ccece eee ee
PSPS ASTON ee 8 ci gsc sisal hs 2 A: ee A: enn ervea eta |
HOWEIO BOA Bastard. WaNKel 9ic ccs... % feet aes es Oh sto ie hocks,Sale as
Totally Bastard Things To Do Number 5 ................. 0002. ccece eee
Howil0.be Aranty. bastaraes -... cfr... #2)... M.. .zeseee
How, lobe AyBastardeAt The ChemistShop ......2..0% «sete:
How To Perform The Candid Camera Trick................... 002s eee eeee
How To Start Worid War 3
Bit A Bag Ofs1Op PIECES oxne. ci. ete Bo alba opella wand ee 96
Absolutely No Thanks Whatsoever At AllGo To .......................555. 98

BASTARD Politics:

HOW TO BE
INCREDIBLY CONSERVATIVE
IDEOLOGICALLY

UNSOUND
 Foreword
by a
Famous
ue DASTA RD
You have truly shown the divine wisdom of Allah in
Uferdi,
purchasing this literary jewel. I am grateful indeed for the
opportunity to let my feelings be known within one of the
greatest scriptures in the west.

Adrian Edmondson is a truly noble man, with the endowment

of a camel. If it were not for Adrian, I would probably still be
washing up in a Kebab House behind Piccadilly Circus. For it
was Adrian who first said to me “Hey, why don’t you piss off
back to Libya and start a revolution — that’d be a laugh
wouldn't it?” It was Adrian who suggested that I wear military
clothing as opposed to a pair of onion bhajees sellotaped to
my chest, which was the original style I adopted.

Indeed it was even he who advised me to select America as the

“Great Satan” instead of Luxembourg.
BEFORE
YW

Many are the times we have spent beneath Allah’s glorious

firmament, watching the setting sun, as beautiful as any
pearl within the navel of an Arabian Princess, and playing
“Ker-Plunk”. On one such occasion I remember Adrian
sipping his anorak (arak?), turning to me and saying:

“Listen Gavin, you arsehole. I’ve got this fantastic idea for a
book about being a complete bastard, and I want you to write
the foreword.”

Of course, I would do anything to show my untold gratitude.

Adrian is like a veritable son to me, and looks on my beloved
wife Debbie and my dear children Tracey and Duane as if they
were his own family. So here it is —

The Foreword
What a great book, it’s much better
than the Koran.
(With better pictures too).
LOVE S
Qanwe
G. Gadaffy (Colonel)
 a

Commalete
BASTARD
Dear Reader, As you may already know — Iam acomplete bastard. If youdon’t
believe mejust turn to the back cover of this book. ... Yes £3.95!
You’ve been done! I despair that any of you will ever make
complete bastards because you’re obviously all complete
nob-ends.

‘Ah,’ I hear you say, ‘but I didn’t buy it because I really want a
guide on how to be a complete bastard, I bought it because it’s
obviously some sort of comedy book. Imean that’s that bloke out
of the Young Ones isn’t it? And it could hardly be a serious book
with a title like ‘How To Be A Complete Bastard’ now could it?’
Well that’s where you’re wrong matey boy, and if that’s your
attitude then why don’t you just crap off!

Only joking! You see we’re all bastards of one sort or another, and
if you don’t believe that there’s a bit of the Bastard in you then why
not try the litmus paper test — simply tear out this specially
treated page, go to the toilet on it, and refer the resulting colour
change to the chart below:

1 BROWN — |didn't mean that sort of going to the toilet. Shitty bastard.

2 YELLOW — Stupid dribbly bastard.

3 RED — Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Let’s face it youre in the right place for the litmus paper test aren’t
you? Because you're reading this book perched on the edge of the
lavvy aren’t you? Because you’re either a) the mean bastard who
hasn’t bought a copy and who’s avoiding one of those boring
dinner parties downstairs by spending the whole time in the toilet
where you just happen to have found this book, or b) the boring
bastard who has those dinner parties and you think it’s just so hip
and groovy to keep books with slightly risqué titles in the toilet
(‘No really, Torquil I don’t see that the word ‘Bastard’ is at all
offensive. After all, it really only means someone who was born *.
out of wedlock’) because you think it’ll impress your so-called
friends. Well the joke’s on you because for your information the
title is on a peel off strip underneath which is printed ‘How To Be
A Complete C**t’ — just try explaining that away to your parents
if they happen to get to the toilet first! Even if you’ve got here first
Mr Trendy Bastard, what are you going to do now? You've got a
botty that’s all streaky, the book in one hand, this soggy page in
the other, and you can’t reach the sink from the lavvy can you?
Well you can, but it means waddling across the room with your
pants round your ankles and you know how much that spreads
the chocolate don’t you? Well all Ican say is “Ha! Ha! Ha!’, thank
you very much for your money, and I hope you have a crap life,
@

Adrian Edmondson BA(stard)

 How to read this book
1 Get someone to lock you into the lavvy from the
outside with the equipment depicted in the picture
below. Tell them not to let you out until they hear you
laugh your bollocks off.
2 Plead for two hours with whoever locked you in to
let you out because you’ve forgotten the book. Say,
“No, I’m serious, I really have forgotten the book.”
Hammer on the door, plead, beg, grovel, threaten,
make rash promises about agreeing to do your share
of the cleaning, even round the back of the lavvy,
BEFORE
Fig. 1
threaten some more, until eventually the only
method of escape dawns on you.
3 Cut off your bollocks and push them under the
door.
4 Get the book and start again. (You may want to use
the plaster at this point.)
5 Attempt to drink everything in sight, including the
Domestos and Blue Stratos, but don’t start reading
until the pages look like they do in Fig I.
Cotton buds

, es
How
te bea

THE TAPE-RECORDER
Useful for recording laughter, so that you
can show all your friends how much you
enjoyed the book. Here is a transcript of
Indian takeaway what happened when | read
the book:
>."
%
(Chernobyl strength) ME: Right here we go then.
SFX: 400 CANS OF LAGER BEING
OPENED AND CONSUMED
ALONG WITH 36 BIRYANIS AND
kam
~ 600 FAGS.
: Right, where's this book then... oh
no, here itcomes.
: PAAAAAAAAAA ...... [Farty noise
which lasts for 2'5 hours] .....
Pair of scissors AAAAAAARRRRRRPPPPPPPI!IHI!
: Ohno, not...
RETCHING NOISE FOLLOWED BY
WHAT SOUNDS LIKE 14
BUCKETS OF TAPIOCA HITTING
You won’t know if you’ve enjoyed the book as soon THE GROUND AFTER BEING
as you've finished reading it, so follow these simple EMPTIED OFF THE TOP OF THE
EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.
instructions to find out: Oh God, where am |?
1 Wait until you regain consciousness. Fig. 2 : SOUND OF FOOT SLIPPING ON A
2 Remove head from toilet bowl. PIECE OF REGURGITATED ONION
BHAJEE, THEN SOUND OFSKULL
3 Use cotton buds to remove vomit from eyes.
HITTING PORCELAIN,
4 Ifthe pages look like they doin Fig 2, then you’ve
“Thope you have as much fun as| did.” |
enjoyed yourself.
] rs AFTER

8
New Bastards start here...

If you want to be a real bastard (as opposed to an unreal

bastard like Jeffrey Archer), the kind of debonair “don’t give
a hang” toughie who thinks nothing of marketing Space
Shuttle Jigsaw Puzzles or going into a Disabled toilet and
loosening all the screws on the hand rails, then you really do
have to start at the very beginning.

You see, being a total and utter and complete bastard is like
learning to play the piano — except it’s less girlie and boring
and you don’t have to wear frilly shirts or read music or have
a totally nob-endie name like Liberace or Bobby Crush, and
you don’t get so fed up with being asked to play at parties
that you eventually hack your hands off at the wrists — in
fact it’s not a bit like learning to play the piano at all really,
so rip this bit out.

It’s only like learning to play the piano because you’ve got to
start young — but that’s true of a lot of things, breathing, for
one: so being a bastard is like breathing, then, or visiting the
lavvy or going out with Britt Ekland.

If you’re a member of the SPG you can skip the first 94 pages
of this book. But the rest of you have got to go back to
school ...
The Little Bastard’s First Easy Reader
*

See Janet’s ball See John’s chainsaw

Run, Spot, Run

Far too slow

eeeyowwww, eeeeyowwww
Spot’s in bits Run, Janet, run

11
There are 54 new words in this
book:
Agony Exposed
Ambulance Pale
Am putee Hide
Anarchy Horrible
And In
Arm Innards
Armalite
Artificial
Janet
Jism SCANDAL *
ee ol was
scho
among
eis.
The police, W
ho arrived

St Thomas’s
respiration John Wi
e ne ws again this
in th ck de
ing th e s ho ble away-
week follow took Mr Ga
Ball Lacerate arrest of its
lo ng -s er vi ng
Mr William ver
headmaster,
Bits Late
pport machine
Gable.
Edmondson, nes a
Bleed
Li fe su d_ the magazi
Adrian
fourteen, an was
aged nearly 9e th at he
e school, 24 little bastar
d an
a pupilat th
Bogie Limp us detail Is of th e event s some
. I’ve got 4 bl oo dy good
an
e ar re st to o,
tO th ich one
Bone Mercy leading up
It appe ar s th at Mr idea wh
whe n I ge t my ha nd s on
lved in a s bottom wi
ll be s¢
Boner No ning him hi
he won't be
able
|
to Sk
r a mo nth.”
Parp!!
fo
Bonk-on Gable was down
He was th en advised b

Please open the

to “Shut UW
Brain death
hi lawyer
s
sake”.
for Christ’s

EZI7L 7722. window became

s contents
Chainsaw Run rridor. A
\s clearly
Chop See
Clinically insane Slaughter
Come Slice
Cut Stop!!!
Deep The
Desperate Too
Disembowel Violence es
Dog Wicked
Eeeeyowwww Yelp
 LUCKY DIP! Girlies, I've got a REAL one
pound note down my underpants!!! Why notjostle meat the
bus stop at hometime. You could be a quid better off!!!
Adrian Edmondson (the blond one in the blazer with the

funny walk}, 3P.

the
This is a picture of
ly com ple ted Che m-
recent
x
istry Laboratory Comple
at St Thomas’s school,
3P
after A. Edmondson of
ute ly acc ide nta lly and
“absol
-
by a complete fluke” man
to syn the siz e the exa ct
aged
formula for TNT.
PUNishment. Book Extracts
REASON
Immotation of Achoot Brel ae

ri a Ans hak ‘Br

“
ng fe mers are grow for
Seta

EaJ careeente book . ‘€

undi sea eamms
in TD.
aaslung at Mass Hewvis .
obscene pSlarnds
t Miss Haris .
Framing Riiewy, G.

=
 ap orgy 3. A pipe-rack With
-
A fishtha t iS very oe
disquisedasMagn |
werk ackbrute folds into o
duster
cCunni aor umsad foe
grenade. CPigs look for :
J reaa lea weap ons, neve r conealed ish.)

Wings to say W.---

ENGLISH: “It's NOT bad grammar Sir, it's Joycean.”

MUSIC: “Lemmy outof‘Motorhead’ can't read music either Miss, but he earnsabillion

times more than you do, and gets off with loads of chicks, so what's the point?”

LATIN: “Excuse me Sir, but this is a comprehensive, and Latin isn't on the syllabus.’

_ HISTORY: “James Joyce said, ‘History is a nightmare from which |am trying to awake.’
He was bloody spot on, wasn't he Sir?”

ART: ‘Miss, why did Andy Warhol get nude ladies to put their bosoms

in tins of paint and then drag them across sheets of paper, and can you

show us how it’s done?”

 1. Go roundd kicking people in the bollocks. ©
(That's abouk ib really)
oneis a cartoon I had published in the school magazine to reinforce respect for
ullies:

(EINE ME
| Your "WAIT! Mummy SANs "NO / You CAN'T
PACKET OF THAT ALL BULLIES Ht.AVE MY PACKE
MONSTER MUNCH ARE COWARDS AT OF MONSTER rae
AND PLL LET HEART AND WILL RUN You nua "
AWAY IF YoU STAND ee
UP TO THEM " :

"MY MUMMY 1s
OBVIOUSLY A -
LYING BASTARD” 7
 How To Be A BASTARD On BORING
Before you even get on the coach - |
SCHOOL
OUTINGS
¢ Ring the Pigs, give them the registration number,
and report the coach as stolen.

Bontrecoah During the visit

© Hide ‘Pee-Wee’ Smith under the coats, fling open
__ the rear emergency door and yell, “Sir, Sir!!! Pee-
Wee Smith has fallen out of the emergency door and
is currently bouncing his way down the fast lane of
_ the motorway crying for his mummy.”
_ © Throw Pee-Wee Smith out of the emergency door.
© Passa note to the person in the seat in front of you
_ saying, “By the time you have read this note I will
__ have spewed up on your head.”
® Spew on your worksheet so when the teacher
collects them in you can say, “Sorry Sir, but:I
accidentally spewed all overmy worksheet and my
ballpoint won’t write on vomit-coated paper, so |
couldn’t do it and had to spend my time in the
cafeteria instead.”
e If possible, disappear to the nearest pub. Always
go with ‘Strapper” Brantingham and not ‘Pee-Wee’
Smith, and never say anything pathetic like “Please _
Sir, can I have a cup of beer, please?” Say “Hi, bar
guy. I’m just on my way to a fancy dress party for —
over 21’s dressed as a schoolboy and I’ve just got time
for you to lay a quick bevvie on me, OK?”

HOW TO School medicals are only OK if you like queueing in a freezing

cold corridor with nothing on except your junior Y-fronts whilst
BEHAVE everyone giggles at how skinny you are or the funny brown
LIKE ‘birthmark’ that’s rubbed off on the back of your pants, and
going into the music room which is being used as a temporary
A clinic where an old man with hands the size of Pat Jennings

BASTARD
pulls down your pants and holds your ball bag and says, ‘cough’
whilst you try and look nonchalantly at the ceiling.
IN A So why not...

SCHOOL 1 Show the boy in front of you a nudie book so that he gets a
huge stiffie just before he goes in.

MEDICAL 2 Make a pair of false testicles out of latex and two marbles.
Put them down your pants and watch the doctor’s face
when they come away as you cough.

3 Urinate as soon as the doctor touches you.

PHILOSOPHICAL BASTARD
"LI Think
‘oe, therefore I Am
BASTARD.”

18
 THE
COLLEGE
~STARD
College is totally and utterly a waste of time because not SO THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO KNOW
one of them does a really interesting course like ABOUT ONCE YOU GET TO COLLEGE IS WHAT
“Chainsaw Studies”, “How To Make Things Explode” TO DRINK. AND THERE’S ONLY ONE DRINK
or “The Life & Works of The Marquis de Sade”. THAT’S GUARANTEED TO GET YOU AS
LEGLESS AS YOU WANT IN THE EVENING
And why not? Because all students are either utter arty BUT STILL LEAVE YOU CONSCIOUS ENOUGH
spazmos who are always killing themselves because IN THE MORNING TO START POOHING
they can’t come to terms with the fact that they’re NAPALM —
vegetarians, or anoraky science types with one inch
wonkers and glasses so thick that light takes four
minutes to get through and who think it’s good to talk
about ‘quantum mechanics’ at parties until you give
into temptation and stuff their heads in the microwave
until it goes ‘ping’. And if you do go to college, you
always end up lying in intensive care for two terms
because of that homebrewed Deadly Nightshade wine
some twat in Engineering III decided to bring to
Jenny’s party.
XXKKK KKK KKK KAKA KKK KAN
MONSTER GET PISSED FAST LAGER

GET PISSED
°
D
(9)
rAS ae
2
>
lag

: f
©
©
©
® .
65395°: 37

This will make you fall over!!!

The Lager Drinkers From Hell Wouldn't Give A

FUCKINGMONKEYBOLLOC)
For Anything Else
 FLAT
SHARING
Ever since Homo Sapiens
first shared his cave with
others (and let’s face it, it’s
not surprising with a name
like that, is it matey boy?)
One always stood out
from the rest and become
the leader, and in the
“College Flat-sharing
Environment” it’s in your
own interests to establish
yourself in this position.
Here’s how:
1 Buy everyone else a
can of
“KXXXXXXXXX-
XXXXXXXKXX
Monster Get Pissed Fast
Lager”.
2 Immediately suggest
an election.
3 Take the voting slips to
the “counting house”.
4 Flush them down the
lavvy and declare
yourself outright winner.
(Don’t laugh, it’s worked
for Conservative Central
Office twice already.)
5 Issue the following
decree:
1 | hereby impose a levy of £1.47 per person to cover initial stationary and
office requirements. (It is a coincidence that this is exactly the price of a
can of “XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Monster Get Pissed Fast Lager.’’)
[see Note 1]
2 It has been decided that the term “Collective living space organiser” is
boring and smells of piss, and therefore the office shall be retitled:
““Generalissimo Supremo King of the Wild Frontier, Lordy Lordy
his Majestyness, Doesn't he Look Great in Jodhpurs and a
Greatcoat, Oh Great Big Grey Green Greasy Gracious One, Give him
a Gun Somebody, he’s so Get Down Funky and Sexy and Emperor
of Everything and God and | bet he’s got a Whopper, Master of the
Lavvy, Master of the Scrolls (Ooer), Chief Lord High Priest and Whip
Me if you Want to, Big Boy.”
3 The word “democracy” shall be tippexed out of all books and replaced by
“fatherly dictatorship’, because let's face it, it’s more like a family really,
with one man taking responsibility for decisions which are more or less
arrived at through consensus anyway. It’s not some sort of tinpot
totalitarian regime run by some megalomaniac authoritarian sadist who's
going to ride roughshod over your personal liberties or show your stash of
nudie mags to your parents when they visit. [see Note 2]
4 The following images must not be used for purposes of masturbation -
a) An 8-12-6 Great Western Locomotive
b) Bonnie Langford
c) Skippy the Bush Kangaroo
d) Me [see Note 1]
5 All girls brought to the flat must be positively vetted and undergo a total
body search by me. Especially ones with big Wally Jumblatts.
Note 1: Except me.
Note 2: Offenders to be shown their own nudie mags then have
their personal liberties and engorged squiggy bits ridden
roughshod over with a lawnmower.
21
 How To Be A Bastard Fresher —
___ It's simply a question of knowing —
___ which societies to join: —————
EE

\7>
The Fresher’s Handbook
RUGBY CLUB
Come and join us!
Lots of drinking.
Shoving tampons up each other’s bums.
More drinking.
a Sing ‘Here We Go’ all the way to Carlisle, forget to get
=
WN
off the
coach, and sing ‘I’m A Stupid Dicky-Di-Do Bastard And The
Hairs On My Zulu Warrior Hang Down To My Eskimo Nell’
all the way back.
5 Drink your own piss!!!
6 Do fantastic impressions with your genitals:
@ Meat ’n’ two veg
@ Barry Manilow
@ Bucks Fizz
7 Annual ‘Mile of Ale’ Competition.
8 Shit your own pants for a dare.
9 Sometimes we play rugby!

FEMINIST SOC.
If you’re interested in contemporary feminist issues and wish to
get involved, please join us.

MOUNTAINEERING SOC.
Salutations! Thanks to increased funding last term, we have
purchased the following new equipment:
1 piton, | ice axe, 140 armbands, 15 banners, 30 cap badges,
and | replica luger, so now is the best time ever for “right-
thinking” people to join in this, the dawn of our glorious
ascension.
Experienced mountaineers positively discouraged.

TEDDY BEAR SOC.

A teddy is a fresher’s best friend! Join us with yours for picnics,
singsongs, talks by Michael Bond etc. Getting through your first
term will be un-bear-able without us! No Care Bears.
 nan as © 1S vO ed
a
J MayeondSr dnyou
ape
EXTREMELY DANGEROUS SPORTS SOC.
Always looking for new members.

GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!

Wanted for non-sexist, but extremely

arty radical 35mm film, provisionally
entitled Sin Slaves in Leather.

See A. Edmondson, Film Soc.

EXIT
Confidential advice for mature students, students with exam
pressures or low marks in mocks, and those with relationship
problems. Bring your own plastic bag and hairy string.

INTERNATIONAL MARXISTS
Join the class struggle! Make your voice heard! Power to the
Jon, ably wild tre chowman,
3c pthe
Proletariat! (Please note: we are tired of smart-arsed gits coming unitn bar gee
along, dressed as Groucho, Chico, Harpo or Zeppo and saying
pratty things like, “As Marx once said, ‘I shot an elephant in my
hinntokatly plore andsusgeSr &
pyjamas yesterday...’” least @L I Ay
‘Su
cad aeek
a
ruben
:

If you are one of these people, join the Marxist-Leninists Tree Then go," Sumon Sons, yeu ae 3
instead; then you can go, “As Lenin once said, ‘I am the walrus, .
loudly, Wika ob the+o pt Yeon
CUT
Ld hee!
goo goo ga joob.’” Ha bloody ha. Unni Your lungs eed,

PAN-ISLAMIC SOC.
sii yom fata dy $5 LIARS CHIT
2:2.932.2—0-0 REAGAN (55¥%994 9-0-0955
FREE NELSON MANDELA SOC.
We think the name of the society explains it all, OK?
SEXIST
HOW TO BE A
“HOW TO BE A
SEXY BASTARD | y
MORE LIKE -

BASTARD
All women love a bastard. It’s the best known fact in the whole
world that girlies like to be dominated and stepped all over —
well, all of them except the stupid Feminist types but you can
soon spot them by the predictable Feministy things they say:

Typical feministy sayings:

* “No” (the biggest Feministy giveaway of all).
* “Go away and leave me alone.”
“No, I don’t want to sleep with you. Never, ever.”
“No, I don’t come here often.”
“No, I don’t want to dance.”
&* “I’m already going out with someone.” (Probably another
Feminist!)
* “I can’t; ’'m washing my hair Friday.” "I’M SO BLOODY SEXY!"
* “Look, just fuck off and leave me alone.”
* “Get your hands out of my bra, whoever you are.”
* “Not even for a million pounds ...”

* “Go away, or my boyfriend will hit you.”

* “No I’m sorry, I’m washing my hair every night for the rest of
my life.”
* “That’s it, I’m calling the police.”
WARNING: Some Feminists pretend not to be Feminists and
agree to go home with you, but as soon as you drop your
pants they collapse in paroxysms of laughter and say:
“What’s that?”
Oly a heresis it)”
or “Have you had a sex change or what?”
 In my experience 99.999999999% of girlies are Feminists, which means you’re
pretty likely to come across one sooner or later. When you do, and she refuses to
lie down and let you do squiggy things with her, like she’s supposed to, and starts
giving you all that Womens’ Lib crap instead, here’s how to put her in her place
and make her feel two inches tall (“which is just about the size of your nob” as a
Feminist would say):

Feministy Propaganda — The Bastard’s Response

Women can do anything a man can do
Oh yeah? Well how many girlies can get a huge
great stonk-on then? Or keep goal as well as Peter
Shilton? Or win the men’s 400 metres? Or even do
a wee standing up without getting their feet wet,
like at least 40% of us men? (Check your shoes
before saying this.)

Women are entitled to a career I fully agree. They’re very good at being pin-ups,
blue movie actresses, prostitutes and tea ladies, and
they shouldn’t be discouraged.

Women should have equal pay Why? They always get the bloke to pay for
everything, and anyway, they’d only waste it all on
crap like lip gloss, eye liner, contraceptives, Mills &
Boon novels, big posters of Richard (bumface)
Gere and Tampax. They should only get more
money if they agree to spend it on saucy
underwear, silicon implants, Lager, or me.

Housewives should receive a wage for their duties Why? How long does it take to clean a house? Ten
minutes? I wouldn’t mind that job — sitting on my
_ bum all day in my dressing-gown, painting my toe-
nails, watching Australian soap operas, scoffing
boxes of chocolates and having it off with the
milkman. (I might skip the last one, though.)

Women are always portrayed as sex objects And not surprisingly! Who’d want to see a pair of
bollocks on page 3? Who'd stick them all over the
"LOOK OUT, HERE factory wall, or call their mates over and say, “Cor!
COMES SEXPANTS Look at these bollocks!” Or, “Blimey! I wish my
EDMONDSon /” missus had bollocks like that!”

es

pas
 Zils SURE-FIRE s If the “sure-fire” pick-up lines don’t work, one
totally brilliant way to get tons of girlies is to
® PICK-UP LINES set up your own dating agency. Then you
: uu for the actually get them to PAY for the privilege of
a doing incredibly saucy things to you.
Smoochy Come and get it while it’s hot!! Because it’s ACTION,

BASTARD] ACTION, ACTION all the way once you’re on DREAM

DATE’s books. We have the man of your dreams on our
4 Digiton 2000 Stud-Finder Computer just waiting for you to
drag him off and give him a good seeing-to. The perfect man,
“What’s a beautiful girl like you doing sitting } guaranteed no little fat acne-ridden train-spotting emotionally
crippled social nobodies on our books, matey boy, just pure
on the end of my nob? Oops, sorry — wishful
hunks of beef with IQs, wallets and posing pouches to match!
thinking.” No matter who you’re looking for, we’ve got him. Honest.

“Look here’s the deal: I buy you a Babycham |e DOES DREAM DATE REALLY WORK?
and you surrender your body to me for the f You bet your hymens it does!! Just listen to what three of our

8oS
night — now what could be fairer than that?” clients have to say:

“That’s a really bad set of teeth you've got. Let

me get you pregnant and you'll get free dental
treatment.”

“Go on. I'll give you a fiver.”

“Yourre really ugly and I’ll be doing you a

favour.”

“Alright, make it a tenner, but you’d better

wriggle a lot.”

“If I said you had a beautiful body, would you

swallow ten inches?”

&e
Had “They call me the ‘roadie’ because I’m the one
carrying the heavy equipment.” (Be careful not
to say: “... because I’m the one carrying all the
amplifiers and speakers from the van into the
hall where the band are going to do the gig.”)

“Behold and rejoice, for you are the most

favoured over all women. I am the Angel
Gabriel and I have been sent by the Lord God
Almighty to do some really serious bonking
with you.”

“Go on, please, I’m desperate. I haven’t had a

shag in ten years — I mean I’m a virgin, well,
technically speaking. In fact I’m a homosexual,
but I think you could convert me because you
look like a man: sort of a halfway house
really... .”

26
UNATTACHED? re a DESPERATE?
— join the club...
The Adrian Edmondson Dr
eam Daz,’
Bureau
Mandy & Sheik Abdulla Edmondson
Mandy never thought in a
million, billion years that she'd Would you consider yourself: Do your interests include:
meet, and fall in love with, a real 0 Outgoing Theatre
O Confident Cinema
Arabian prince. “Sheik Abdulla OD Adventurous O) Horseriding
Edmondson totally swept me off O Dominant Photography
my feet! Ever since that first date O Gullible O Conversation
when we broke the bank at ‘La 00 Squeamish about O Politics
Wimpy’ casino in Monte Carlo, surprises, especially ones OO Sports
life has been one long orgy of involving an industrial-sized 0) Walking
careless spending. The Prince isa tin of Swarfega, two rabbit- O Sailing
shaped jelly moulds and a 0 4 hours of pre-marital
real gentleman and an absolutely
welsh corgi called Roy. sex and no questions
brilliant bloke. The best thing asked
I've ever done in the whole world
was to apply to DREAM Which of the men opposite comes the closest to your perfect
DATE.” DREAM DATE?

Lindsey & Adrian “Chuck” Norris FIVE MINUTE PERSONALITY PROFILE:

“Chuck’ is everything I've ever
looked for ina man. I practically
shat myself when DREAM
DATE fixed me up with the
World’s Number One martial
artist and international movie
star! I've been so busy going to
endless Hollywood parties that I
haven'teven had time to doall the
usual girlie things like paint my
nails, read soppy books and talk
crap. I’ve met tons of famous
producers and directors and I’m
going to be in my own movie
soon! DREAM DATE, you're a
star yourself!”
Tracey & King Adriano of Latvia
“Being incredibly buxom but
working class, [thoughtapainter
& decorator was all I'd get, but
DREAM DATE made me realise
I was talking out of my arsehole.
They fixed me up withnone other
than King Adriano of Latvia.
What a hunk! I couldn't stop
myself slobbering all through
dinner with this bloke, and I
didn’t even mind paying for it
when he said, ‘Oh dear, Iseem to
have left my chest ofjewels on the
bus.’ Cheers, DREAM DATE!
You should charge ten times as
much.”
Are you, by any chance, the heiress to an incredibly vast
fortune which you will be inheriting very, very soon?
OYes (No
Do you have any jealous ex-boyfriends lurking in the
background like, say, Royal Marines or truck drivers,
who might want to break your DREAM DATE’s legs?
O Yes ONo
Would you be annoyed if a man said he had a really
enormous willy but it wasn't, well, quite so huge, when
it came down to it?
OYes ONo
Would you want your money back in the unlikely event that
your DREAM DATE didn’t live up to all your expectations?
O Yes ONo
Do you know Kung Fu or any of that stuff?
1 Yes ONo
OK DREAM DATE, YOU'VE UTTERLY AND TOTALLY CONVINCED ME
AND I’M IN YOUR HANDS. I ENCLOSE £25 AND A NUDE PHOTO OF
MYSELF.
PLEASE RUSH ME MY DREAM DATE RIGHT NOW!!
I'M HOT AND READY!
Send to: The Adrian Edmondson DREAM DATE Bureau
PO Box 23, London W1.
27
 A BASTARD GUIDE TO
CONTRACEPTION FOR A LAUGH)
(OR HOW TO ROUND OFF A ROMANTIC EVENING BY GETTING YOUR GIRLIE PREGNANT

If she’s on the pill, there’s not much you can do, but if
she uses a diaphragm you might just be able to switch
it for the carburettor gasket out of a Ford Fiesta XR2
with sun-roof and alloy wheels. However, if it’s down
to the good old johnny, you suddenly have a lot more
SCOPE...
TRYING TO GET AWAY WITH NOT WEARING ONE
@ “You're so ugly I probably won’t come
anyway”
:
“It’s OK, I used to work at Sellafield”
@ “I’ve had a mastectomy”
“Tet’s use the rhythm method” (any record
by Stockhausen or Bananarama will do)
@ “These ‘Spartan Invisibles’ sure are extra-
sensitive aren’t they?”

BUT IF SHE INSISTS...

... here’s some

a Shuttlecock asock a Tesco’s bag

and hairy
string

an Action Man ajam

deep-sea doughnut
diver’s helmet

aed
ee ee ae A
Si — i eae > ee — Ee
 After one night you’re probably pretty bored and cheesed off, and rarin’ to
tangle with the next steaming sex kitten in the queue.

However, if, as usual, you were just too bloody totally and utterly good in bed
again, and Miss “Has Been” is hooked on your moves like... er... well... likea
fish that’s been caught by someone using a rod, and a line, with a sort of hook on
the end of it, here are some ways to convey the message that she’s not welcome
around your parts anymore:

Get out a felt-tipped pen and draw a line straight down her face.
Tell her you’ve got two tickets for the Paul Daniels Magic Show.
Play charades and mime “Fuck Off!”
Say, “In this light you look just like Jon Pertwee.”
Say, “I was once a woman, you know.”
Ask her if she was once a man.
Show her what you just found up your nose.
When you're in the cinema together suddenly scream out:
“STOP CRYING! I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU ANOTHER
PORTION. I WANT TO WATCH THE KIA-ORA COMMERCIAL
WITH MY HEAD THE RIGHT WAY UP!!!”
In the restaurant, shout out “This tartar sauce tastes just like my spunk,
doesn’t it?”

COMPLETELY unsafe contraceptives to use:

an oven-ready arubber glove anice cream a piece of fruit any vacuum Leon Brittan
chicken cone (eat the cleaner
ice cream first) attachment
PrlPulpul
prlpulpoul pupil pulpUpuLpid pid, id pidp Uppp Af

Sing~A\~- Long Musical

DIAPHRAGM
Plays “Up The Junction”, “Cover Me”,
“Pump It Up”, “We’ve Gotta Get Out Of
This Place”, “Kissing With Confidence”
and many more!!

ONLY £14.50!
29
 BASTARD

BED
1 V 2
ME: HANG ON, I'D BETTER TURN RIGHT...
THE LIGHTS OUT BECAUSE YOU'RE YOU READY ?...
SO UGLY I'LL PROBABLY BE SICK GRACE YOURSELF. 5.
IF | CAN SEE YouR FACE. HERE | COME.

GIRLIE: |S THAT IT ?

«ME: oH Gop/
ils ! TALK! TALK.
THAT'S ALL YOU WOMEN EVER
po! LOooK — You've
HAD YOUR FUN, NOW
EITHER GET uP AND
JTLEAVE OR SHUT UP
AND GO 70 SLEEP.

GIRLIE: WELL AT LEAST

LET ME HAVE THE
HOT WATER BOTTLE.

ME: THAT's NOT THE

HOT WATER BOTTLE , THAT'S
MY COLOSTOMY BAG.
THAT BIRYANI'S REALLY
MADE VI SIZZEE-

30
 ME: RIGHT, WHERE'S THE STOPWATCH? ME: NIGHT THEN.
HEY ! ONLY 3 SECONDS FROM START
To FINISH .IMPRESSIVE OR WHAT ?/

GIRLIE: 1'M FEELING SAD >

I NEED A CUDDLE.
GIRLIE: SOB!’ Boo Hoo !
ME: WELL !’M FEELING

me AND STOP KNACKERED AFTER TAAT

SEX MARATHON
NEED SOME
AND
SLEEP, so
/

CRYING [// SHUT THE Fuck UP!

HOW TO|EXPOSE
YOURSELF
WITHOUT
GETTING
ARRESTED
\\
HAVE YOUR NOB MAKE HISTORY SO
THAT IT HAS TO BE SHOWN ON THE
TV NEWS:
a Get your nob to take over from Kojak
for a week.
b Get your nob to raise the Titanic.
c Lay it down over a puddle for Fergie to
walk over.

GET YOUR NOB ON “THAT'S LIFE”:

a Write to Esther and say your girlfriend
thinks you have a nob that looks like a
potato.
b Complain that you bought some
‘Erecto-Stiffie Guaranteed-Twelve-
Inches-Of-Lead Stud-O-Cream’ and it
didn’t work. Send photos in as evidence
and then insist Esther takes your nob
out into the streets to test it.
c Teach your nob to say “sausages.”

Note: A lot of people think my nob’s on

“That's Life” all the time, but that isn’t my
nob, that’s Esther Rantzen.
Totally BASTARD Things To Do

im the
Number 17

*
Samaritans
Real @N2G CRIN GS RAlENEG: ReleNeGalo.

MIE: Hello, Samaritans. take it anymore and that topping yourself

CALLER: Look it’s no good, I just can’t cope
anymore. My own parents have kicked CALLER:
me out of the family home because I’m
“just too bloody completely horrible, ME:
boring and spotty, and why didn’t we
have a gerbil instead of you, then at least CALLER:
we could have had it put down without a
police inquiry”; and my girlfriend’s left me ME:
because, as she put it, “she didn’t know
she was going out with me in the first
place and didn’t know that some jerk
waving to her across a crowded pub
three years ago was a sign that we were
engaged”; and to top it all I think I’m CALLER:
going to remain a virgin all my life
because my nob’s too small. There’s ME:
nothing left for me in this world so I CALLER:
think I’m going to kill myself. ME:
ME: Oh, that’s interesting. How are you going CALLER:
to do it? ME:
CALLER: I’m going to hang myself.
ME: Well, make sure you've got the right kind
of rope. CALLER:
CALLER: Pardon? ME:
ME: I said make sure you’ve got the right sort
of rope. If you get that stretchy rope CALLER:
you'll find that when you jump it
stretches, so instead of breaking your neck
instantaneously it just suffocates you
slowly until your tongue bursts and your ME:
eyes pop out like champagne corks. And
if it’s really stretchy you might find you
jump off your chair or whatever and just
bounce up and down hitting the floor
occasionally, and since you’ve tied your (SOUND OF CHAIR
hands behind your back you can’t get SCRAPING ALONG
yourself free, and you'll probably end up THE FLOOR, THEN
vomiting yourself to death. THE SOUND
CALLER: Hang on a minute... I thought you were OF SOMEONE
supposed to talk me out of killing myself. BOUNCING UP AND
Why? I thought you said you couldn't DOWN AND HITTING
MIE:
THE FLOOR
OCCASIONALLY)
was the only way out?
Yes but... look, this is the Samaritans
isn’t it?
What? No, this is the “Really Sexy Escort
Agency Ltd.”
Ohsorry, I thought this was the number
for the Samaritans.
No, you must have the wrong number,
this is the “Really Sexy Escort Agency
Ltd.”, incorporating “Girls Who Do Just
About Whatever You Want Them To Do
For Hardly Any Money At All, Co. &
Sons Ltd.”.
Oh... how much is “Hardly Any Money
At All”?
Oh... about 5p
5p!!!!!
Oh alright then, to you, 4p.
4p!!!!!
Blimey you drive a hard bargain, alright
then, 2p, but I can’t go any lower. Now
what would you like?
Well what have you got?
Absolutely everything, just describe your
fantasy and we shall provide it for you.
Well, in that case I'll have... an Anita
Harris lookalike ... smeared with
pineapple and banana yoghurt ...
wrapped in clingfilm ... with...
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Haaa! Had you! April
Fool!! Of course this is the Samaritans!
Now, what seems to be the problem?
(PAUSE) Hello? Hello?
%
F
:
,
 Totally BASTARD Things To Do

img the x
a
Samaritans
YOUWRSELF

RUN GG @RUNS Gala LIANE G: -RoleNeG ie

SAMARITAN: Hello, Samaritans, how may we help you?

|= i A Mi I (SOUND OF GUNSHOT)
ME: Bloody Hell! Missed!!!
SAMARITAN: Hello, hello, are you alright?
ME: No of course I’m not alright.
SAMARITAN: What seems to be the problem?
ME: Well I don’t seem to be able to get this pump-action
twelve-bore shotgun into my mouth and pull the trigger
at the same time.
SAMARITAN: But why would you want to do that!?
ME: Well how else am I going to shoot my bloody brains
out?
SAMARITAN: Look don’t do anything rash! Nothing is that serious!
A problem shared is a problem halved! Talk to me, I’m
your friend!
ME: Look there’s only one way you're going to stop me from
killing myself, and that’s if you say something for me.
SAMARITAN: What’s that? Anything! I'll say anything!
ME: I want you to say “The only way to kill yourself with a
shotgun is to tie a piece of string round the trigger, wrap
it round something, and then pull it.”
SAMARITAN: What? Oh alright! The only way to kill yourself with a
shotgun is to tie a piece of string round the trigger, wrap
it round something, and then pull it.
ME: Is it? Oh, thank you very much.

FIRE THE GUN THEN THROWA LARGE TRIFLE AGAINST THE FRIDGE
DOOR, AND LISTEN TO THE RESULTANT FARTY BLUBBERY MESS ON
THE OTHER END OF THE TELEPHONE.
The Statue of
BASTARDY

Be.
BASTARD Things To Do When You Finally Get Your Hands

Gl Try an “Eddie Kidd’-type “Leap of Death” over 40 nuns.

See if you can beat the record of / a nun.

How To Be A BASTARD

How teobea — in the

COMPLETE —
SHOE SHOP
SASTARD

Or if you want to save some time,

go like
_ this:

ME: Jd like a.pair of DMs please,

Mr Assistant. Size 10.
ASSISTANT: Certainly sir.
36
On A Steamroller

B Try it again.
Try it again.
ae Run over the man from the Guinness Book
of Records.

ME: Can I try them out?

ASSISTANT: Certainly sir.

ASSISTANT: Oooooffffff! ME: J/7l take them!

37
BASTARD At The Wheel GLE ELT LT I EE EE,

People say that your personality changes for the worse when
you get behind the wheel. Well this is absolutely brilliant,
HowTo Transform because if you’re already a bit of a bastard to begin with,
Your you'll be an even bigger and utterly total bastard when you get
in your Car.
FORD WHO’S CAR? ROAD TEST
SIERRA The Ford Sierra
IntoA
BASTARDMOBILE
TOTAL
ACHING |CCM
D EATH PERFORMANCE ;

The secret ofits speed liesinthe

Have it regularly minor modifications Mr Ed-
serviced by a Ford mondson has made under the
Bonin. bonnet. Out went the standard
1600 OHV engine in favour ofa_
Bivodity it yourself. Rolls-Royce V12 Merlin aero
engine — from what was, until
Soa
"BLOW IN?! / THOUGHT pics
YOU SAID BLOW OFF!" f:
Wo tex ox
recently, the last flying Spitfire
in England.
An interesting feature we dis-
covered quite by accident was
the car’s ability to reach its top
speed in reverse (which is where
we expected third gear to be.)
SL
"CERTAINLY
| OFFICER
..

I'l have +o ask

You for a blood;

. wn
tata Ww . o
‘e"
ect etatetatetetace

nase. at
at,
-= ate th,Na
Pane)
&ee vetata’

Pn
eetatataSateaaiatets
tetanic Sone
e!
ie ash
inte wa
 i

aan Saale ately

roe 5
oneae

° vn
Ms nese
‘a hatata ‘a, tata eae at) 6
ace,
‘a,
‘aacte etatatannr
5 ‘snet! :
ance
%

HANDLING & RIDE
The first thing you notice is that
the car turns the opposite way to
the direction of the steering
wheel. This system was designed
by Mr Edmondson as ananti-
theft device. Unfortunately, he
“absolutely and completely for-
got” toinform us ofits presence,
but once we’d agreed to pay for
the damage to his front garden,
1 2
AT THE WHEEL
1 Fart vent ene ao
2 Allconventionalinstrument-
ation has been removed in
favour of a large LED
display panel which flashes
up messages like “Drive
faster Mr Hardly-Any-Nob-
At-All”, and “Overtake!!
Overtake!! Tora! Tora!
Tora!”
3 The broken stem of the
indicators (“I prefer to indi-
40
Ox es<
we set out on our test route: a
mixture of town, country lane
and motorway driving.
First impressions were of ex-
cessive understeer, uncontrol-
led torque fightback out of fast
bends and badly weighted
steering. Mr Edmondson told
us the reason for this was that
he’d had to throw a lot of bits
STOP Ab THE BART PUB ANO ca)
8
cate with my fingers.”)
4 Horn
5 The broken stem ofthe light
switch makes use of lights
impossible (“To avoid confu-
sion with safety-conscious
Volvos and Saabs.”)
6 Air vent
out to make room for his “lager
stash.”
Refinement is quite good, al-
though engine noise becomes
irritable after a short while
(“Silencers are for virgins who
have testicles the size of sul-
tanas,” explained Mr Edmond-
son.)
4 5 6
7 Just one pedal which per-
forms all three functions of
Brake, Clutch and Accel-
erator. (Mr Edmondson
believes that the “Pot Luck”
factor relieves the boredom
of motorway driving.)
8 Joke gear lever
 Signals by persons
THE BASTA RD 'S with a big blue tit
HI GHW INARI): on their head
“Hello mate!”

“Corr!! Look at the bristols

on her over there!”’

“I’m just going for a

quick one off the
wrist”

HMBO 50p net —

41
Pessasn clad Signals to other road users
ss a

“lam going to turn

the car over”

“I've just dropped

a big one”

“Bloody Hell!
Half my car’s “Oh no, there it is”
gone missing”

i ie e | a & @ we
Loa
EE
ERB
ew
ES
eee
REMEBER
ee
ee
 “lam sitting in the back
seat and this car is
completely out of control”

“lam completely
pissed”

“Lam driving with my nob”

“I’m more pissed than =a reed
| thought | was” ff" "Ss

“Oh God! It’s gone “| have got no brakes”

again and now I’m just
trying to keep |
my balance”
Another random document with
no related content on Scribd:
 [256]Ib., p. 165.
[257]“Modern Abyssinia,” p. 224.
[258]Compare, e.g., his remark on p. 223, “They have any
amount of pluck,” with Parkyns’s comments quoted on p. 24 of
this book.
[259]E.g. p. 222.
[260]Ib., p. 216.
[261]Eyre and Spottiswoode.
[262]Cf. p. 308.
[263]Mr. Wylde describes the Ras as “by far the cleverest and
most enlightened man that the country possesses.” He is a
possible successor to the Abyssinian throne.
[264]Colonel Rochfort’s Report.
 APPENDIX

Abyssinia is a deeply interesting country from the point of view of

geographical distribution, and it is much to be regretted that Dr. A. J.
Hayes did not have the opportunity of collecting insects on a large
scale. The animals of the southern half of Arabia are Ethiopian in
character; but in the Abyssinian mountains we may expect to find,
and we do find, a certain amount of Oriental affinity.
The valuable little collection of insects made by Dr. Hayes has
been presented by him to the Hope Department of the Oxford
University Museum, where the specimens can be seen and studied
by every naturalist interested in the great problems of distribution.
The attention of the donor was directed to the Oxford Museum by Mr.
W. L. S. Loat, who has himself contributed a large amount of
valuable material. Dr. Hayes’ collection was made, in February 1903,
in the vicinity of Lake Tsana, at a height of about 6500 feet. A
complete list is furnished below. Dr. Dixey has kindly determined and
made remarks upon the Pierinae.

LEPIDOPTERA.
NYMPHALIDAE.
Danainae: Limnas chrysippus (Linn.) ♀. The ground
colour of the pale tint characteristic of
1
Oriental specimens and usually replaced by
a much darker shade in African.
Danainae: L. chrysippus (Linn.) var. alcippus (Cram.) ♂♂.
2
Typical.
Nymphalinae: 1 Neptis agatha (Cram.).
1 Precis cebrene (Trim.).
PAPILIONIDAE.
Pierinae: 1 Catopsilia florella (Fabr.) ♂.
2 Colias electra (Linn.) ♂ ♀.
Terias brigitta (Cram.) ♂ ♂ ♀.
3
Dry season forms; not extreme.
3 Eronia leda (Boisd.) ♂ ♀ ♀.
One of these females has an orange apical
patch on the forewing, almost as distinct as
that of the male.
1 Pinacopteryx sp. ?
A female, rather worn; simulating Mylothris
agathina ♀.
Probably a new species, but being in poor
condition and a single specimen it would not
be advisable to describe it.
1 Belenois severina (Cram.) ♀. Dry season form.
1 Phrissura sp. ♂.
A male, of the P. sylvia group. This form of
Phrissura has not previously been recorded
from any part of East Africa.
Papilioninae: 8 Papilio demodocus (Esp.).

HYMENOPTERA.
1 Dorylus fimbriatus (Shuck.) ♂.

COLEOPTERA.
LAMELLICORNIA.
Scarabaeidae: Oniticellus inaequalis (Reiche).
1
Only known from Abyssinia.
Cetoniidae: 1 Pachnoda abyssinica (Blanch.).
1 Pachnoda stehelini (Schaum).
 Both Abyssinian species.
PHYTOPHAGA.
Cassididae: 1 Aspidomorpha punctata (Fab.).
HETEROMERA.
Cantharidae: 2 Mylabris, probably a new species.

NEUROPTERA.
1 Nemoptera, probably a new species.

ORTHOPTERA.
Acridiidae: 1 Cyrtacanthacris
sp.
1 Phymateus brunneri? (Bolivar).
1 Phymateus leprosus (Fab.).
1 Petasia anchoreta (Bolivar).
Mantidae: 1 Sphodromantis bioculata (Burm.).
1 Chiropus aestuans? (Sauss.).
In addition to the above, Dr. Hayes presented three insects
captured by him at Gedaref in the Soudan, including a pair of a
magnificent new species of Buprestid beetle of the genus
Sternocera, taken in coitu. This species has recently been described,
from Dr. Hayes’ specimen and two others in the British Museum, by
Mr. C. O. Waterhouse, who has given it the name Sternocera druryi
(“Ann. Mag. Nat. Hist.” Oct., 1904, p. 247). The third insect is an
example of a Cantharid beetle, which does great damage to the
crops at Gadarif. Its determination as Mylabris hybrida (Bohem.) is
therefore a matter of some importance.

THE END

PRINTED BY WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED, LONDON AND BECCLES.

 THE
ANGLO-EGYPTIAN SUDAN

By permission of the Egyptian London: Smith, Elder Stanford’s Geogl. Estabt.,

Government. & Co. London.

(Large-size)
 LAKE TSANA

By permission of the London: Stanford’s

Egyptian Smith, Elder Geogl. Estabt.,
Government. & Co. London.

(Large-size)
 Transcriber's note:

pg 70 (footnote 41) Changed: Abyssinnia and its people to: Abyssinia

pg 91-92 (footnote 61) Changed: equitidœ to: equitidæ
pg 91-92 (footnote 61) Changed: nectariniœ to: nectariniæ
pg 96 Changed: plently of fish to: plenty
pg 271 Changed: been complied by to: compiled
pg 293 Changed: general langour to: languor
pg 311 (footnote 262) Changed: Cp. to: Cf.
Minor punctuation changes have been done silently.
Spelling inconsistencies have been left unchanged.
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