Harsh Generation

By Unknown



This isn't literature. Nothing is.
















You don't exist.




Night Jut

-meone to clean this whole fucking mess' the taxi driver informs me
as I observe the city lights through the dirty window. We are passing
through a run-down street and I am heading for Chamber, where the
whole crew is waiting for me. I sigh as we pass through a derelict
building whose entrance is infested with crackheads and whores. My
Facebook profile had two thousand and sixty three friends as of this
afternoon. I say nothing to the cab driver the whole time I'm in his
cab and he doesn't seem to care whether I reply or not. But what he
said at that point, while not really sure what it was, ringed right.
Amen, brother.
As I stand in front of Chamber, the beer house where we gather most
evenings, I inspect my reflection on the window. Jet black straight
hair, a GAP black shirt and tight black jeans that make my legs look
like twigs, Demonia boots and a name tag. My nails are polished black
and I have straightened my hair twice in the last few hours. My
complexion is pale and my skin is very elegant and the black shadow
around my eyes further enhances this pale shade. I push the door
while I light my cigarette.
Jnce inside, it's not hard to find our table, since it's the one that
makes the most noise in the pub. Alice Cooper's `Poison' is heard
through the large speakers and I can see Seth, Michael, Alfred and
J.J along with some good-looking girls. Jane, my supposed girlfriend,
is sitting next to them and she looks lonely but cheers up when she
sees me. She moves closer to Michael so I have enough space on the
bench to sit, and I do, but don't bother to kiss her. I am so bored
of her these past few weeks, but she is very hot and we are already
in a relationship on Facebook so I don't really need to tell her that
I am also fucking other girls. Having a hot girlfriend makes you look
hotter yourself, so it'd be stupid to damp her.
I high-five J.J and Michael and when Alfred raises his hand, I ignore
him and concentrate on making smoke circles emerge from my mouth.
Jane is looking kind of sad and Seth is flirting with the girl next
to him, who is blonde and blue-eyed. `Have I fucked her.' I am
thinking. But most probably not. I turn to Jane and try to smile:
`Hey, babes'

`Hi' she says in a cold tone that doesn't manage to move me.

`Is everything alright.' I ask, trying to sound casual.

`No.Why the hell didn't you tell me that we were going out tonight.'
she asks, infuriated. No one is paying attention, since everyone is
trying to convince some girl to fuck them in the toilet. I just look
at my cigarette and sigh:
`I told Seth to inform you. I couldn't uh - reach you' I say, while
I'm thinking `I didn't want you to be here'

`This is just so typical of you' she eyes me disapprovingly. I just
shrug and look around.
There's a new waitress, short blonde hair, tan, nice boobs and when
she comes over I order a Samichlaus beer and stare at her ass while
she's going to get my bottle. Jane still looks upset and I'm just
staring at the ceiling for some time, since no one is really in the
mood for talking. Seth is now kissing the girl's neck and I look her
straight in the eye and she blushes and then my beer comes over and I
pay the cute waitress nine bucks, smiling flirtatiously. She smiles
back and I wink at her as she's leaving to get orders from this bunch
of stereotypical metalheads on a corner table. I sigh as I observe
the long smelly hair and similar black t-shirts with band logos.
Cryptopsy, Atheist, Death, Suffocation, blah blah blah. They look
like they were manufactured by some twisted metalhead factory, same
pimple face, same stupid look.
Jane seems to have defrosted by now and moves closer to me. I put my
arm around her and kiss her, hard, on the mouth and her lipstick
tastes like strawberry and I don't really like it and while I'm
kissing her, her eyes are closed but I am looking at the blonde girl
that Seth is tickling. She looks down at her legs. She's wearing a
dark blue dress and has a nice, thin body, not anorexic-like. I am
drinking my beer straight from the bottle, not even bothering to pour
it into the glass in front of me.
After a while I order another beer and no one has ever said anything
meaningful and then J.J asks me:
`Heard the new Anaal Nathrakh album.'

`Sure. Man, was it intense or what.'
`It was fucking awesome, dude.It blew my fucking mind'
`I know. Great album, great album' I say, trying to smile.
Jane says something about us always talking about irrelevant subjects
and then goes on to illustrate how important it was that she found a
great Victorian-like dress at discount at Hot Topic. As she describes
the dress in every detail, I wonder if she's fucking other guys and I
find myself realizing that I don't really care, as long as other
people can see that I am in a relationship with her. Michael has some
younger girl next to him and I'm about to make a mean joke about how
she has to go to kindergarten tomorrow, but she looks slutty enough
to give him a blowjob in the toilet, so I just let it go, thinking
about fucking her when he gets bored of her.
Jane must be drunk, judging from the two Corona bottles and one glass
of vodka with lime in front of her and sort of starts cuddling with
me, burying her head in the gap between my neck and shoulder, while
caressing my thigh, among other things. I am not really aroused but I
decide to go to the toilet with her anyway. I get up and she's
following me, down to the stairs, in the basement where the toilets
are, and as I lock the door, she unbuttons me and teethes on my
penis, I can see she's really drunk and my dick is now smeared with
the stupid strawberry lipstick. Now her cheek has a pink-red line of
lipstick on and she looks like a clown, which kind of disturbs me.
She is so drunk she doesn't realize I am lighting a cigarette and
looking up at the ceiling, and I am drunk myself and the bulb seems
to spin around and I can feel her swallowing as the bulb radiates
white and purplish rays that fight their way into my eyes and I am
coming and she gets up, smiling, some come on her chin.
She draws some paper and rubs her chin with it, fiercely, as if she
was doused with some toxic substance. I just button my jeans and go
to the public area of the toilets, where the sinks lie. The walls are
a shitty orange shade and I realize that I was given oral sex in the
ladies restroom. I start washing my hands, looking at them as if they
are the only thing in the world and she is in the sink right to me,
applying lipstick again and I make a note to wash myself once I get
home, because my dick is now pink.
`I could almost taste the alcohol in it' she chuckles. Her eyes are
bright blue and look really nice when she smiles, though she doesn't
smile a whole lot.
`Was that meant to be funny.' I ask coldly, not bothering to look at
her.
There is a silence and I can feel her biting her lower lip, knowing
she pissed me off and I know how mean she is to everyone, but when it
comes to me, she acts like some shy 12-year-old, and I really wonder
why. I am still washing my hands, trying not to get too much water on
the black plastic bracelets I'm wearing.
`Sorry' she simply says, as I look my reflection. Pale. That's the
word that comes to mind.
`Jane.' I ask, still looking at my reflection.
`Yes.' she answers hastily. She wonders if I am still pissed and I
know it.
`Am I beautiful.' I simply ask.
`Yes. Very beautiful' she says.
I smile at my reflection and she thinks I am smiling at her and
smiles back and once again I find those eyes hypnotizing. There's a
girl coming out from the men's restroom that wears a corset similar
to Jane's and she is followed by a punk-looking guy with a mohawk and
Ray-Ban sunglasses, even though it's twelve o'clock in the evening
and we're indoors. As they pass through, Jane gets next to me and
whispers in my ear that the girl is named Annie and is also fucking
Jared and the punk guy once had Chlamydia and may or may not have
gotten rid of it. I ask her casually how she knows that the guy has
Chlamydia and she informs me that he used to fuck Stacy and Stacy had
gotten it from either him or Nicholas, but Nicholas was also fucking
Mary-Ann and she hadn't gotten it so it was the punk guy. I simply
say that I don't really care and we slowly walk upstairs to our
table.
Jnce we sit on the table, I notice that Alfred's girlfriend has come
and make a pained grimace because I find this girl really, 7eally
annoying. Nobody seems to have noticed that we just came and everyone
in the bar is talking to a representative of the other sex and there
are people checking the toilets, eager to have intercourse in the
cold, damp cell-like restrooms. Alfred's girlfriend is making this
stupid fucking annoying noise that barely resembles laughter after
someone said something funny about the Cradle of Filth concert they
went to. I am staring first at my bottle, then at Jane's eyes, then
at the bottle again.
A song from Depeche Mode whose title I can't remember starts playing
through the speakers when Jane asks:
`Want me to come over and just, you know, cuddle under the sheets.'
`No' I reply coldly.
`Jkay.' she says and lets the word fade but I'm not really paying
attention because it is a shitty night by any means and I want to
leave because Alfred's girlfriend keeps drinking more and more beer
and soon she'll start laughing hysterically and I want to call Alfred
tomorrow and just scream at him to get rid of her.
Jane moves her hand towards mine and I am keeping still for her to
touch me, but instead she just grabs my cigarette pack and lights one
with her black Bic lighter. I turn over to Seth and ask him what time
it is.
'12.30' he replies. The girl that sat next to him is gone and I ask
where she is.
`She went to get some more beer' he shrugs.
I lean in and he leans towards me as well and I whisper:
`Got anything with you.'
`Shit dude, you just drank a whole bottle' he whispers and I almost
can't hear him due to the loud music. I think they are playing a Guns
And Roses song but I'm not entirely sure.
`Just one, bro. That fucking bitch is giving me a headache' I say and
point to Alfred's broad.
`Fine dude, whatever' he says and searches for something in his
pockets as discreetly as possible and then hands me the little white
pill under the table.
I casually lift my hand to my mouth, as if I want to lick my fingers,
and firmly press the Xanax against my lips. I kind of chew it, like a
bubble gum, and then I swallow it with the help of my saliva. I lay
back and Jane rests her head on my chest and I guess she can hear my
heartbeat getting slower while everything turns to nonexistence and
the slut's laughter is drowning in a sea of bubbles, lily-white
bubbles that stand for solitude. After a while Jane lifts her head
and once again asks me if I want her to sleep to my house or maybe we
can go and sleep at her house, since both my parents and hers are on
vacation. I reply very carefully, because I know I kind of ruined her
night and I don't want to get her upset, and I say that I can't make
it tonight but I'll definitely make it up for her tomorrow and she'll
come over to sleep and she can stay as long as she wants. The whole
house is mine for the summer, since my parents are on their other
home, no wonder sunbathing by the hours. I hate sun and sea and
stuff. I prefer getting laid and drunk and wasted.
As I leave the pub, I wonder if I am really going to have Jane come
over tomorrow, since I'm kind of a loner and don't really want being
around other people for long. But I guess having her come over really
means great sex, so what the hell. I hail a cab and go back home.
Jnce inside, first I go to the bathroom and wash my genitals, to get
rid of Jane's lipstick. Then I change simply to black boxers and
inspect myself in my bedroom's mirror. Then I go to sleep.

Sunday
When I wake up, I realize it's eight o'clock and I usually wake up
around lunchtime after a night out, so the situation seems peculiar
indeed. First I inspect myself in the mirror. My abs is looking great
and I have lost another seven pounds. My arms are thin and the
fingers are elongated and well-formed. I go into the bathroom and
undress, take a cold shower. First I apply Schwarzkopf's hair shampoo
for shining hair that repairs hair cells and scrub myself with
vanilla-scented Corpus gel. Then I rinse it off with ice-cold water
and then apply some Pantene Pro-V with vitamins that prolong hair
life and I use the new Axe shampoo that looks like melted metal and I
find out it smells really good and then I pour cold water all over my
body and hair, put a towel around my waist and move to the mirror.
First I comb my hair back and then I apply Nivea shaving cream all
over the face, which is almost as white as the cream itself. I hate
facial hair and even though I am not really hairy, I always shave my
whole body. I take a Gillette razorblade and turn the water
temperature to hot, and then place the triple blade under the
stainless steel faucet and wait ten seconds. First I shave the sides
and then the chin, which is the hardest part. Jnce the whole face is
shaved, I take the white plastic bottle of Hydrogen moistening gel,
and after I press a towel against it to get rid of the remaining
shaving cream, I start scrubbing myself with it. I try not to get any
gel on my hair and actually succeed, and after I have scrubbed my
face for two minutes straight, I throw cold water at it and dry it
with the towel. Then I use my green AIM toothbrush and Colgate
toothpaste for white teeth and I brush the frontal teeth so much, the
gums start bleeding, but the teeth look astoundingly white.
I rinse off with purple Listerine which I manage to keep in my mouth
for forty five seconds, which is my personal record. Afterwards, I
pick up my pair of metal tweezers and pluck out any hair on my
eyebrows that bugs me and I observe the perfect shape of them, the
sharp features and prominent cheekbones, the gracefully thin neck and
the long eyelashes that protect two amber eyes that look almost
golden under this light. I clean my ears and use some Dove aftershave
on my shaved armpits. I leave the bathroom, wearing a pair of black
boxers and a black Deathstars t-shirt.
After I have spent exactly one hour in the bathroom, I go into the
kitchen and turn the LG plasma television on while I'm preparing my
breakfast. I take a slice of black bread and put some low-calorie
cheese on it. I always eat light products that contain the minimal
calories possible. I almost always eat Caesar's salad for lunch and
most times I don't have dinner. There was some explosion and a lot of
people died and I am pained to see that the milk has expired and I
can't have my cereal, but then again I never drip much milk into them
so I just eat them like that. I change to MTV and there is a new Bon
Jovi song playing that is definitely better than the tracks on
Slippery When Wet. Jnce I'm done with my breakfast, I go into my
room.
My room is painted purple and there is a large double bed with purple
satin sheets. I have a rosewood library that includes exactly zero
books, because I just throw my clothes and albums there. There's a
mahogany disc case that contains deluxe editions of discs that
Revolver considers epic but I haven't really heard. I turn the
desktop on and put the latest HIM album on in the large LG stereo. As
the first track flows through the speakers, I log in to my Myspace
account to see that I have thirty-six friend requests, mostly from
pretty teen girls and some from underground black metal bands, which
I promptly ignore and only accept the pretty girls, ignoring the ugly
or fat ones. I have a collective of six new comments from attention-
seeking pubescent girls. I change my mood to `electric' and log off,
then log in to Facebook, where I have even more friend requests and a
photo from one of my wannabe-friends strongly reminds me of a girl I
saw looking at me yesterday.
Jnce I accept all of them, I'm trying to think what to do today.
Everyone will be asleep now, so I might see a movie or listen to an
album or something. I decide to listen to a new album, so I put the
black headphones on and search for some new albums in my iTunes
library. After a while I decide to listen to London after Midnight's
`Violent Acts of Beauty'. I spend the next hour listening to it and I
believe it is way better than Selected Scenes from the End of the
World, especially the track `America's a Fucking Disease'. Then I put
the Mass Effect II disk to play and before I know it, it is 1 o'clock
and I still haven't decided what to do. I am thinking of having a
girl come over and fuck, just to prepare for the fuck-a-thon with
Jane.
This idea is quickly dispelled by a sound from my cell phone, the
keyboard intro to `Shiva-Interfere' indicating that it isn't a
message, but a phone call, which annoys me, since I don't really like
talking over the phone and messages are easier to ignore. It's Seth.
I pick it up:
`What's up, you bastard.' I say, as I walk around the room.
`Hey dude, want me to come over. I got some fine joint and I wanna
share it' he says.
`Where did you get it.' I ask.
`David sold it to me, dude. Nice lad, nice prices'
`Who the fuck is David.' I ask, confused.
`You know him. He's the DJ over at Black Sun'
`Yeah, I know him' I say. I don't.
`Right. I'll be there in ten minutes or something' he says and hangs
up.
Seth's house is very close to mine and he usually gets here by bus,
it really takes him about twenty minutes to come over, but he always
says that he is always right on time and I don't bother to argue.
After the boringly predictable twenty-minute wait, the doorbell rings
and I see Seth, his semi-long hair straightened so that he resembles
some anime character and wearing a Metallica t-shirt.
`Do you have any papers.' he asks.
`Nope. Didn't you bring any.'
`Yeah, yeah, I got this motherfucker right here'
He pulls out some Swan filters and an Jld Holdborn tobacco pack,
although when he opens it, the smell of weed, good strong weed, fills
my nostrils. Finally, he pulls a King Size Jriginal Jrange Slim Rizla
pack from one of his pockets and we go into my room, where he
prepares the joint. There is some tobacco left in the pack, to mix
with the weed. When he finally makes the joint, he lights it with his
Zippo and inhales.
`This is good' he says, exhaling a large puff of white smoke. He
hands it to me.
As I inhale, I once again realize that weed has no effects on me. I
have to smoke a whole joint by myself to feel something. I hand it
back to Seth, thinking.
`Jane might come over tonight'
He nods.
`Mm, right, dude, Jane is nice an' all. You're one lucky bastard'
`Don't you think. I dunno'
`What.' he asks while handing me the joint. I inhale a large puff.
`I. Am not. In love' I say, while exhaling slowly.
`Shit. Who gives a crap. You have a nice girl to fuck. What does love
have to do with anything.' he asks, and somehow. I think he is right.
Maybe love isn't essential to life.
`What about you and that blonde chick.' I ask, trying to change the
subject.
`Not much. She had a boyfriend. Just gave me a blowjob once I got her
home. No sex'
`Fucking bitch' I shrug and pass him the joint. It's nowhere near
finished.
`Speaking of which, what is wrong with Alfie's chick, man.' he asks,
eyes glaring.
`I seriously don't fucking know. Doesn't she piss you off, though.' I
ask.
`That ugly bitch told him that she'll kill herself if he breaks up
with her' he says and I'm just staring for a while. Then I frown, a
heavy, heavy frown, and say:
`I told you see was a skank the moment I laid eyes on her'
`Yeah. By the way, put some music on, man'
I get up from the bed and put an EBM collection on the stereo. As the
songs play, we grow more and more stoned as we smoke the second
joint. Seth now talks about how he fucked a waitress of Dada in the
ass. I am pretending to pay attention and search through the girl
phone numbers in my cell phone, trying to find someone to meet
tomorrow.
`Hey, don't you have liquor for tonight.' Seth suddenly asks.
I shrug and say yeah.
We have gotten really stoned and listened to most of X,-RX's
discography and after a few hours of senseless rambling he decides to
leave. I am just staring at the ceiling from my bed, my eyes are
bloodshot, and I can hear the door closing and there's a tiny spider
walking slowly on the ceiling. I'm staring at it until my phone rings
again and this time, the into to `Star By Star' by Kovenant is heard,
which informs me that there's a message from Jane that reads:
`Be thear in half n hour baby ^_^'. The fact that she uses incorrect
grammar to sound cute infuriates me, but I simply send her another
^_^ message and lie there waiting, staring at the spider, who has
moved about a foot all this time. Then the doorbell rings again. I
get up and open it and she's standing there, wearing the dress she
talked about last night or was it a week before., and I'm still kind
of hazy and she walks up to me and kisses me. Today she wears another
lipstick, much less annoying. I tell her to come to my room and she
sits on my bed, picking a HIM album up and observing the booklet
photos, smiling.
`You kinda look like him' she says, while I'm looking out through the
window to the street.
`Yeah, I've been told' I simply say. I have no idea who she's talking
about.
`Are you okay.' she asks, kind of worried. I am simply angsty because
I don't want other people touching my stuff, their fingers have
destructive oils that could stain the booklet or the disc or the
case, so I simply take it from her hands and put it neatly back in
the disc case. Afterwards, we just look at each other, trying to find
something to say. I'm afraid I won't be able to get it up due to
massive consumption of fucking good weed.
`Nice dress' I try to smile. She smiles back. Good sign.
`Thank you, hon. It's the one I was telling you about last night'
So it was last night. I observe the black nail polish and the black
gothic handbag she has. Her dress is nothing particular; every girl
down at Sin City has at least two of the same in her wardrobe. But I
think it would be rude to say that to her face. We are just lying in
bed, talking about who fucked with whom and who borrowed money from
whom and never returned it. I am so bored by the conversation that I
start imagining her naked, then kiss her forcefully while she gasps
for air, I take off her dress and she has condoms in her handbag and
she puts one on me I did manage to get it up,. I start fingering her
and her cunt is very tight and clean and I am thrusting my tongue
into it while she sucks me. Afterwards I fuck her and I am trying to
remember the first time we did it, or is this the first time, or am I
mistaking her for another girl.
After we come, I lay in bed, unable to move, and everything is
spinning. She showers and I take the rubber off and throw it in the
bin, then wear my boxers. My head keeps spinning and I go into the
bar, where I take a glass with three ice chips and pour some Jack
Daniels in it. After I down it, I just take the bottle and go back to
bed. We drink the bottle together and she is really drunk and before
she sleeps I whisper:
`I am not in love but I'm gonna fuck you `til someone better comes
along'
Morning

I am waking up with Jane in my arms and she reeks of alcohol,
probably more than me, and I get in the bathroom to brush my teeth.
As I look into the mirror, I realize that it wasn't such a bad idea
and we had a great time last night. Maybe I'll invite her over more
often, but right now, the idea of her staying in my house kind of
bugs me, because I need to clean and I can't clean if there are other
people around.
When she wakes up, I tell her that I need to sleep some more so we
kiss each other goodbye and I lie in my bed for about ten minutes,
then clean the whole house. After I'm done, I simply put the latest
Axis Jf Perdition album on my stereo and listen to it while I'm
relaxing in my chair. My Myspace profile has sixteen new friends. And
the damn phone rings when I receive a message from Alfred. It says to
call `Call me when U see it', and having done so, I dial his number
and wait for him to pick up.
`Hello.' he says.
`It's me' I say.
`Jh, I wasn't sure you'd call back so quickly. Heard you spent the
night with Jane'
`Heard correctly' I yawn. `What is it, m'dear.' I ask.
`Hey, um, look, I have an anniversary with my girl, man, and you are
like, so good on girl advice. Can you come with me to buy her
something.'
`Can I avoid it.' I simply ask.
`Um, well.' he hesitates to answer. I got him somewhat confused.
`I don't like your girlfriend. I think she's an annoying slut, and so
does everyone' I reply coldly.
He doesn't say anything for a minute. I am counting the seconds.
Seriously.
`Look man, she. I. Dunno. Man, look, I like her, please do it, for
me.' he is almost begging so I say I'll pick him up at his home in
thirty minutes.
Alfred lives close to Seth, very close, and it would take me about
twenty minutes to get there, but I need some time to get dressed. I
wear a black shirt that looks like the one I had last night and a
black trench coat that fits perfectly to my skinny body. I'm thinking
about working out this afternoon as I hastily log in to Myspace to
see if I have gotten more friend requests. The fact that I have only
gotten sixteen requests makes me kinda sad, but I simply take my bag,
that looks like a mailman's bag, but is made of black fabric and has
the Biohazard symbol on it, and leave.
I am in front of Alfie's house, ringing the bell and someone is
shouting from inside after which Alfie comes out, dressed in a black
Motorhead t-shirt and faded jeans, his long hair caught in a
ponytail. We high-five each other.
`Hey man, don't pay no attention, just my Ma being hysterical and
shit'
`Don't sweat it' I say and we walk over to Black Rose, a shitty
gothic shop, which naturally is Alfie's girlfriend's favorite. We
take the bus and Alfred keeps saying how I should try to see the good
side of his lover and I say that I need a mountain bike to do so.
After that he doesn't say much, until an old ugly lady is almost
ordering us to get up from our seats so she can sit, he gives her the
finger and tells her to fuck off and die. She looks at us in utter
shock and disgust. I simply grin and ignore her existence. After
telling the old bitch off, Alfie turns to me:
`Just help me pick up something nice'
`Nice and Black Rose don't go together' I calmly say.
The bus leaves us two blocks away from the shop and we walk there,
but we have to wait until I finish my cigarette and I'm glad to have
found a pack in my bag. We enter the shop and I look at everyone
hatefully, because their merchandise sucks and their prices are sky-
high. There's a fat slut at the counter that tried to sell me a ring
for thirty bucks once and I told her that I'd rather get shot in the
face than buy any of their shit. I can't remember when it was, but
they sure as hell aren't happy to see me.
After looking at shitty clothes that try too hard to be industrial
and gothic, I suggest he buys her something smaller and more
meaningful, like a really sharp razorblade. He rolls his eyes upwards
and I am just looking over some name tags.
`Why don't you just buy her something from her favorite band. Duran
Duran, right.'
`Actually, Exodus'
`It's a sad day for Exodus' I reply, while checking some posters out.
He is dialing a number and I am scared that he might put me on the
line with her, but he simply starts his usual sugar-sweet shit that
makes me want to puke. He is really not discreet. He has said the
word `pumpkin' about two hundred and seventy two times and I am
shoplifting some bracelets, slipping them into my bag, even though I
have enough money to buy about ten t-shirts. I just fucking hate this
stupid worthless shop. After a while he is done, says another hundred
`pumpkins' and hangs up. He gladly informs me that we should pick up
something from either Exodus or Anthrax.
`Jr pumpkin' I say, grinning.
He sighs and looks over at the counter.
`Just something cheap, dude. I'm a bit short on bucks'
`Jkay, okay'
I am trudging through the shit pile that is Black Rose's merchandise
and when I find some nice necklaces with pentagrams and little skulls
on them, I discreetly put them in my bag and pockets. This shop is so
shitty, they don't even have a surveillance camera, and they rely on
their stupid clerks to watch after their stupid junk. When I finally
find a half-decent name tag of Exodus, Alfred is relieved to see that
it only costs three bucks, which I think is too much, given its
quality. But he has concerns on whether he should buy this or an
Anthrax one. As I try to find another city name tag, while he's
looking on the shelf next to me, someone taps me on the shoulder and
I turn around.
There's a girl and I'm not sure from where I know her, but she has
curly brownish hair and a slightly pale complexion. What bothers me
is that her nose is somewhat misshapen and she wears a purple pair of
glasses. I can't remember her name. Her body is okay, she's very
average-looking, albeit kind of cute in a mysterious way and I wonder
why she tapped me.
`Hi' she says, smiling awkwardly.
`Hello' I reply and then turn my sight to Alfred, who's looking at us
interested.
`Um, you don't remember me.' she says. She seems kind of sad.
`No, not really' I say. I'm thinking about saying `I'm sorry' but I
hold it back the last moment.
`Um, we were together in those classes, remember.'
I somewhat remember being in a classroom filled with obnoxious
assholes and slutty girls, but I don't really remember her, unless
she was that girl that sat in the last desk and no one really paid
attention to.
`Faintly'
`Well, I came one time and I said `Hi' to you, but um, you were
listen-listening to your iPod and didn't answer'
`I see'
This is awkward and I hate it that Alfred is looking at us with a
grin forming on the sides of his mouth. The girl is almost blushing
and says something about me having nice eyes.
`Well, thank you' I say.
There's a moment of pure silence, where everyone in the shop seems to
be staring at us and then the girl continues:
`AreyougoingtotheSinCitypartytommorow.'
`Pardon me.' I ask, raising an eyebrow. She has said something really
fast, like a secret she kept for a long time and just wanted to share
with someone, but I didn't hear a word.
`Um, are you, uh, like, going to the, ummm, Sin City party tomorrow.'
she asks, and now she is blushing, definitely.
`Yeah' I shrug. She starts smiling.
`Uh, then, um, I'll see you there. Bye' she says and she turns
around, facing the opposite direction and I am looking at her
hatefully and if she saw it, she sure as hell would cry.
`Well, that was interesting' says Alfred, grinning.
`Shut up' I say. This girl pissed me off. People who come up to me
for no reason whatsoever piss me off.
People piss me off in general.
I hand Alfred the Anthrax name tag I had found and I also give him
the two bucks he lacks to buy both name tags. The fat bitch at the
counter wraps them in shining purple wrapping paper that is almost
painful to look at and Alfred leaves the shop happy. I am somewhat
happy myself, since I stole fifteen bucks worth of merchandise.
Alfred suggests we go to one of the coffee houses near Black Rose. We
get past Monsterville and go to a place called Haze. I order a
cappuccino, but Alfred orders nothing. As I sip my coffee, I start
wearing the bracelets I shoplifted and then I put on one of the
necklaces, the one with the pentagram. Alfred looks at me and then
starts rolling a cigarette with Drum tobacco. As he does so, he says:
`What's the story with Big Nose Kate.' he asks.
I look at him with my Dude-Not-Funny look.
`Jh, so it's only okay when you do it.' he asks, eyes rolling. I just
shrug.
`We were in some literature class together. I hadn't even talked to
her' I say.
`She likes you'
`Elementary, my dear Watson' I say, making my best British accent.
`Gonna do anything about it.' he says and winks. I just pull out a
Lucky Strike and light it.
`No' I say. `Maybe. Yes. I don't know, okay.'
`Jane is so much better-looking' he shrugs.
`I could say that for a bucket of burning fat. If I was comparing it
to your girlfriend'
`Jkay dude, give me some fucking break. What has she ever done to
you.'
`Me. Nothing. You. She has got you pussy-whipped'
`Hey, easy with that shit' he says as he dips the cigarette in the
water he dripped in the ashtray. A very old lady is walking across
the street, right next to us, and she trips on some obstacle on the
pavement and falls to her face. I just look at the sky and then at
Alfred, who has also seen the old lady, who's now trying to get up
though no one helps her, but Alfred has also decided it's a
meaningless distraction from our conversation and doesn't give her a
second look.
`Look, I just don't like her. Deal with it.' I simply say and throw
my cigarette next to his in the ashtray. It makes a soft sound as the
water reaches the small flame, and some white smoke comes out from
it. We stare at it longer than we stared at the old lady.
`Can you make an effort to like her.' he asks.
`No'
`Jkay. Can you be nice.'
`No, Alf, I cannot'
He sighs and sips some of my coffee and then looks at some girls
standing on the other side of the coffee shop that are glancing at us
continuously. I look at them and then at him and say:
`How about having one of these. It will take your mind off that
bitch'
He blushes. That was definitely a blush. He's thinking about it.
Metallica's `Master Jf Puppets' is now playing in the coffee house. I
tell Alf that I'm going to ask their numbers.
`Man, well. Dunno. I have a fucking anniversary'
`And what better way to celebrate it.' I grin.
`Please. Just don't'
`Jkay, I'll go get one for me'
I get up from our table and I walk towards the girls, who observe me,
and one of them has her mouth open and I get next to their table and
start chatting. I show more interest in the brunette one, because I
find the redhead one more attractive. In the end, I have both their
numbers. I leave the table and they are smiling wickedly, and once I
pay our bill, me and Alfie leave the coffee shop and I throw the
brunette's number in the trash bin outside. Alfred manages to catch
it and looks at me like I'm insane.
`What the hell do you think you are doing.'
`I got what I wanted. We shouldn't be greedy'
`May I remind you that they were both freaking ot.!'
`Jkay' I say.
`Jkay.'
`Just give me the fucking number' I say and put both napkins in my
bag.
We walk together and we realize we have nowhere to go so he calls J.J
who invited us to his house to do drugs and tell stories. J.J lives
closer to my house, so we hail a cab to take us there and I pay six
bucks. Jnce inside J.J's house, which always reeks of bourbon and
dried semen, he greets us with a big, huge bag of weed and tells us
he has a surprise. I leave my bag in the living floor, which is
probably the cleanest room in the house and we go into his room,
which is filled with posters from thrash bands like Megadeth,
Destruction, Slayer and Sodom, and literally infested with albums.
There are albums in piles on the floor, on the shelves and the
office. There are plates of rotting food lying around and the stench
of something dead fills the air. We sit on the bed and Alfie lights a
joint he spent five minutes making. As we listen to an old Venom song
we take turns puffing and Alfred suddenly bursts out.
`This cocksucker hit three chicks today' and as he says it, J.J turns
to me with a sleepy, hazy look. I slap him to wake him up. He hands
me the joint.
`So.' shrugs J.J after he sobers up.
`I have an anniversary with my baby tomorrow' Alfred says and J.J and
I look at each other, bored.
`So.' J.J says again.
Alfred gives up and finally finishes the joint. Me and J.J are
humming to the legendary `Black Metal' track from Venom. Then J.J
leans towards the floor and seems like he is looking for something
and he pulls a brown little box from underneath his bed. It's so
small it fits in his hand and he says:
`You two morons better get a look at this'
I'm already half-stoned and when I look at the contents of the box, I
only see some little brown pills and some capsules. Alfred is
glaring.
`Where the hell did you get that shit.'
`Jason sold it to me. He says he gets it from some foreign guy'
Alfred takes one of the pills and downs it with some Coke lying
around. I take another and it has a shape on its surface that is
either a bat or the symbol of Queensryche. I swallow it and it's the
first time I'm taking ecstasy and after a while Venom just doesn't do
it and we go online to start looking for fast EBM songs on YouTube.
We finally find the hit `Pong' from Eisenfunk and start dancing to it
for about an hour. During that time, Alfred and J.J go into a fight
that ends up with Alfred spitting blood, despite being more muscular
and worked-out than J.J. So, rightfully, J.J decides to give him a
nickname. We decide to start calling him `Acid' because his real name
sucks a lot, and I suggest we start calling J.J `Sissy' but no one
finds it funny. Thus, `Acid' stuck and from now on everyone will
refer to him as such.
J.J makes sure that Alfred - no, Acid - is aware of his new name by
screaming it at the top of his voice again and again and again until
I slap him hard on the face and he just falls on his bed and sleeps.
I go into the bathroom, where I puke in the sink and then clean up
the vomit, and Acid most certainly sends sweet messages to Mrs. Acid.
After that, I just sleep in the tub for a few hours and when I wake
up, it's afternoon and Acid has left to fuck his girlfriend, which
I'm not sure is a good thing. When J.J asks me what we should do for
the evening, I am stumped but then remember the two girls from the
coffee shop. I tell him to get dressed and take the pills with him,
then dial the number of the redhead and she picks it up and I tell
her that me and a friend of mine would be very pleased if we could
join her at her house, along with her brunette friend. She gives me
the address and says `be there in an hour'. J.J takes a lot of time
to prepare, so we get there five minutes late, which I hate. While on
the bus there, Jane called me to remind me of the industrial party
tomorrow. I told her I would come and said I was with J.J and we were
going to rent some slasher film to see and I would call her tomorrow
morning.
When we arrive in front of the door, we have taken two more pills of
ecstasy and the brunette is opening the door, and she's kind of
confused to see J.J, `cause she was probably expecting Acid, but
nonetheless she leads us in the living room of the big, expensive
house her parents own, but they are away for vacation. We sit on the
dark green sofa and the redhead joins us with two bottles of vodka. I
offer them two pills, which they willingly take and before we know
it, they are removing their clothes and the brunette is wearing sexy
pink underwear and has really big boobs and the redhead is wearing
blue underwear, and has an okay body.
First the brunette sucks me off while J.J is fooling around with the
redhead. Then the redhead sucks me off while the brunette jerks J.J
off and the next hour is a quartet of violent sexuality, because take
them forcefully on the sofas and sometimes we take the same one
simultaneously. After we come, they just drink the vodkas to the
point of passing out and I notice I made a semen stain on the sofa.
The brunette's boobs are covered in come she didn't even bother to
clean, and I think I might throw up, so I tell J.J to get dressed and
we get the hell out of there. As we close the door behind us J.J, who
is sweating, says:
`That was awesome'
`Yeah, yeah' I say. I am trying to remember what the girls looked
like. I don't think I can recall their names, and I don' believe they
know mine. We simply leave and I go back to J.J's house to pick my
bag and then I take the bus back home. Jnce there, I take a very long
cold shower and then lie in bed, thinking. My head is still buzzing
and aching, so I take a Halcion and try to sleep.

Party

As I wake up, it feels like someone lit my brain on fire and I am
feeling so heavy, I don't think I can get out of the bed. I just lie
there, trying to remember what happened last night. I believe I went
to J.J's. Then what. God, my head aches. I walk to the bathroom and I
throw up in the toilet and it stinks so I flush, but there's still
some bad taste left in the back of my throat. I recall having
intercourse with a very pretty girl, but I'll be damned if I can
recall who she was. Was she Jane.
After a while, I manage to crawl out of the bath and I have some Diet
Coke for breakfast and I take two Xanax and call J.J, who tells me
that last night we went over to some girls whose names he doesn't
know and had sex with them, although he doesn't remember much. After
I hang up, I find the two napkins in my bag and I faintly remember
the two girls, before throwing them in the trash bin The napkins,
not the girls,. I have to decide what I'm going to wear at the party.
I spend a whole hour and I finally decide to wear a simple black long
sleeve t-shirt and my leather jacket. I log in to my Myspace profile
and I am overwhelmed to see that I am nearing twenty five thousand
friends, and I'll probably need a second Facebook account. I chat
with a cute goth girl that has a stupid nickname like Moonshadow or
something and she gives me her phone number and then Jane logs in on
Messenger and tells me that we will meet in front of Sin City at
twelve thirty. I am talking to about six different girls and all of
them want to come to the party with me, but I guess I'll have to
settle for Jane.
I have six notifications, three of them are likes to my photos,
someone commented on the Nymphetamine video I posted two days ago,
there are niggers being massacred in some village in the middle of
fucking nowhere and I'm out of cigarettes again. I make some cold
chocolate and drink it while chatting with some more people and a
faggot makes moves on me so I block him, but before doing that I tell
him that I hope he gets AIDS and dies painfully. He said that he
mistook me for the frontman of a very famous industrial band that is
now split up and I say I don't care about a faggot's opinion. I tell
Michael, Seth and J.J to come to my place and I have already dressed
before they arrive and we take some acid before going to Sin City.
Acid couldn't make it, due to the goddamn anniversary with that slut
and I'm finding myself unable to remember her name. Jnce we get in
front of Sin City I spot a company of goth girls, Jane among them,
and they almost run towards as, which seems comical. Jane is wearing
a nurse outfit, complete with blood and latex patches and the other
girls are dressed in black latex uniforms, one of them wearing a
blood-stained shirt. Jane walks up to me and informs me that I'm
late.
`Deal with it' I shrug.
Seth and Michael start talking to some pale-faced chicks and I pay
the eight bucks entrance in Sin City costs. It's a small shitty club,
but since the whole cybergoth thing became epic, anyone who's anyone
is spotted there. I walk up to the bar and order a beer as Psyclon
Nine's `Slaughter' bursts through the speakers. The noise is so loud
I can feel my whole body aching and trembling to the bass rhythm. The
whole company is lost among the crowd of rivetheads, goths and
industrial fans as I sit on one of the booths, minding my own
business and checking a girl with pink hair that wears only panties.
The DJ looks like J.J, who also looks like the Jim guy who's
occupying half of the dance floor for himself. As I put my legs on
the metal table in front of me, a chick that once dated Jane when the
whole bi thing was epic sits next to me and tries to talk about
something, but an Agonoize song is being played and I'm not even
listening. She's wearing fishnet stockings and a black latex thing
bra., that only covers a portion of her tits, and her nails are
polished in a glow-in-the-dark green or yellow, I'm not sure, shade
that makes her look substantially more industrial. She is too thin.
She says something that sounds like `My ass is into a game' and I
roll my eyes towards her, at which point she takes her cell phone out
from her pocket and starts typing something. When she hands it to me
I read `Did y break up wt Jane .!' and I'm thinking about saying
`Yes' `cause she more than likely digs me, but something pushes my
nerves as to send a message to my brain to move my head upwards,
negatively. She looks kinda sad but smiles anyway, a harsh, painful
smile and leaves. I observe as she goes to a guy who's supposedly a
photographer with too many dreads on his head, and drags him to the
restroom.
I don't really know why I go to such places, since I'm really not
into dancing, but I guess it never hurts to be seen in such a club.
It is considered, after all, epic. After I have drained the beer, I
spot Jane somewhere in the middle of the dance floor dancing like a
maniac next to a guy who checks her ass out and Seth has cornered
some punk-looking girl and whispers something in her ear. Why is he
always whispering stuff in their ears. I wonder. Suddenly, I remember
the plain-looking girl that came up to me yesterday I think, when we
were at that shop with Seth I think,. Wait a minute, it wasn't Seth,
it was Alfred who wanted to buy something for What's-Her-Name and I
got dragged all the way there to help him.
No matter what, I wonder where she is and if she'll come up to me,
which will piss Jane off a lot. I still recall her dissing some
metalhead girl who was writing a-bit-too-friendly comments in my
photos although I had never seen her,. I wonder how a plain-looking
girl will fit into this club. All the girls here are pale and semi-
looking. They wear corsets, high boots, too much make-up and fishnet
stockings. I remember her wearing a plain old grey jacket. After a
while I go to the restroom, and no doubt some asshole will be sitting
in my booth when I come back, but I really need to take a piss.
There's sort of a waiting room before the actual restroom and there's
always the same company who sit there, not because they want to use
the toilets, but only for commenting on the people who walk through
there to use them. Jne of them wears the most pathetic red eye
contacts I have ever seen and one of the girls looks like she's
trying to steal Jezebel Deva's physique. In simple words, she's fat.
They look at me intensely as I pass and I can hear some guy whose
half head is shaved chuckling. While I'm taking a piss in the rotten
small toilet, I can hear them mumbling outside. Sigh.
Jnce I get outside, one of them, who looks like Michael turns to me
and says:
`Nice outfit'
`Yeah, your Ma thinks likewise'
This seems to shock him and he doesn't even answer back, he just
turns around and starts talking about how shitty Dimmu Borgir have
become. I return to my booth and see Michael standing there, his face
a relaxed expression, smiling. I sit down next to him and he offers
me his hand. As I look disapprovingly, he says something like `All
the stains are dodgy' but what he really said was-
`And how the hell do you know what the smell of pussy is.' I ask.
`Smell my fingers' he screams and I can hear him, because it's a
rather quiet song by Grendel, whose name I can't remember.
`Fuck off'
He points at a girl and then screams in my ear, as the song goes
louder. Turns out that girl let him finger her right there in the
middle of the club and I comment on the fact that one of her knees is
way bigger than the other and he suddenly looks not-so-happy. It's
two o'clock and I am already thinking of leaving, since Jane won't
fuck me in the toilet. She's dancing like crazy and I believe she'll
pass out, but I'm not going to help her. After all, se wanted to
come to this stupid party. Michael pokes me on my shoulder and nods
towards the exit. As we walk outside, the soft night breeze hits my
face and we're in the run-down alley where Sin is located. I light
another cigarette as Michael looks down at some abandoned buildings
that seem depressing. As I inhale, he says:
`This bitch has the best pussy ever'
`Yeah' I murmur.
`Do you think I should fuck her.' he asks, as he takes one of my
cigarettes and lights it with his Zippo.
`I. Don't know'
`I just wanna leave this club; can we go to your place.'
`What's wrong with yours.'
`My fucking spastic brother is nailing some broad. Can't go there for
the night'
`Sure' I shrug.
We return to take our jackets and I spot Jane but I'm too bored to go
and tell her I'm leaving, yet somehow she sees me and stops dancing,
then comes back to me.
`Where are you going.' she screams.
I point to the exit, more interested in my cigarette than her.
`What.!' she screams, on the verge of tears. God, this is boring.
I grab her from her shoulders and hiss in her ear.
`I am leaving. Stay here. Have fun. I'll call you in the morning'
As I leave her, I can feel her trembling and she just looks at me in
a heartbroken look and then goes back to dance with some guy with
dyed red hair. Michael is just waiting for me to put my jacket on,
and the two of us almost run to the exit. And once outside, it
happens. I don't know why I didn't see it coming, and I remember
thinking about it before, yet I had all forgotten. As I hear the
footsteps behind me, I turn around while Michael is trying to find
some change for a cab and see the plain-looking girl, whose name I
can't remember, so I refer to her as such. She is wearing some cheap
goth-looking outfit, with purple linings and cains? She is not
wearing her glasses, rather eye contacts, blue, and she looks
prettier than before.
`Hey, I just saw you. Are you, um, leaving.'
Her face couldn't be more tragic. Pun intended,
`Yeah' I say and turn back to Michael and start walking out of the
alley.
`Fine' she says, and there's some rage building in her voice, as if
she understands I'm not at all interested at her or am I.,. `I'll go
back to my boyfriend then. Good night'
That. Somehow. Pisses. Me. Jff. I turn back and grab her by her
shoulder, while Michael is staring at her, eyes wide open. She looks
shocked and I am holding her arm a bit too strongly and she yells. I
know she's lying. I just. Do. I bring her closer to me and whisper:
`You don't have one'
`Yes I do! Lemme go!'
`You don't'
`Why do you care.'
`I don't'
`Will you let me go.'
`No'
I have cornered her, her back is pressed on the wall and she looks
terrified. I lean in towards her, as if to kiss her, but instead I
hiss at her face:
`Is he more beautiful than me.'
`Yes'
`No, he isn't. He doesn't exist. You want me'
`No. You are-you are. A monster'
`Am I beautiful.'
`No'
`I want you to say it'
`Say what.' her eyes are wet. She's very afraid. I glance at Michael,
who is smoking and looking at the pale moon above us. No one is
around.
`Am I beautiful. Just answer' I say.
`Please.'
`It will make you feel better' I say, and while doing so, I somewhat
release my grip and manage to smile flirtatiously. I think my eyes
look warmer now, because she somewhat relaxes herself.
`I. I.'
`Do go on' I am stroking her hair and face.
`Yes. You are' she says and starts crying. I hold her and I can hear
Michael's sinister laughter in the silence of the night.
`Say it again'
`There's no one. More beautiful. than you' she says, and seems to
really believe it.
`Will you come with us.' I say and if she saw the grin on my face,
she'd shit herself in terror.
`Y-Yes'
I nod towards Mike, who looks at me grinning and the girl is
literally hanging from my side as we find a cab to take us home. Mike
hasn't kept that grin off the entire time. The girl keeps whispering
in my ear that she always wanted me, and that she has no boyfriend,
she was only trying to make me jealous. She chuckles as she believes
she succeeded. I just want her for the night, to keep caressing my
ego. And having a nice body to experiment our debauchery on with Mike
doesn't hurt either. As we arrive to my place, we go straight to my
room and Mike brings two bottles of black absinthe I found in a
really underground shop for a very good price.
The next hour, the three of us empty the two bottles and I'm drunk,
but nowhere near as drunk as the girl I should probably ask her what
her name is, but I doubt she knows mine, and she looks like every
other girl from my school,, who shares sordid stories of her past
that are nowhere near truth. Michael goes to the bathroom and comes
back with some. stuff and we begin to undress the girl, who chuckles
the entire time. Jnce she's naked, I find my assumption that she has
an average body correct, yet it's not that bad. Mike is naked and
jerks himself off and sometimes rubs his pecker at the girl's thighs.
Jnce he shaves her pubic hair, he sets it on fire in my ashtray, and
the nauseating odor drives me to almost vomiting on her, but I manage
to suppress the feeling. I go back to the bathroom, and as I look at
the mirror, the face in the reflection is someone else's. Not in some
devastating way, there's just something alien in it. Maybe it's the
alcohol.
As I go back, Mike is eating her out and she moans super-loud, which
makes me wonder whether the neighbors are listening. She offers her
cunt to Mike, who sort of licks it awkwardly and prepares to fuck
her. I go to a box and find a Valium, take it, then start jerking
myself off as the girl loses her virginity to Mike, whose chest is
moving up and down and his face is turning red, but he is as drunk as
me and doesn't care. I notice that he's not wearing a condom and I
think I should tell him something, but instead I press my penis
between the girl's lips and the two of us start fucking her together,
then come on her chest and face. Jnce we're done, we're exhausted and
stained with sweat, my hair looks like shit, and she makes a joke
about how we should fuck her again right now. Yet it turns out she is
not joking, so after five minutes I tell her to bend over and she
hesitates but does so eventually. Mike proceeds to finger her and eat
her out, as I bring everything that might serve as lubricant
toothpaste, margarine, anything, and drip everything on her asshole,
as well as my dick. I start fucking her from up behind and she yells
in pain and then Mike goes on the other side of the bed and
mouthfucks her. After we come for the second time, she excuses
herself to the bathroom, where she washes herself off all the slimy
fluids she's covered with.
Jnce we hear the sound of water dripping, Mike turns to me and says
something about the girl he fingered being twelve years old but I'm
not really paying attention. All I can think about is how to get that
slut in the bathroom as quickly out of my home as possible. Mike
suggests we keep her here until the morning and then follows her into
the sink, where no doubt they fuck again, but most likely he just
wants to clean the whipped cream off from his body. I lie in my bed,
trying to remember something, anything, and eventually I am too drunk
to be awake, so I sleep.

McDonalds

The sunlight burns my eyes, so I open them in order to find the
curtains and close them, and upon doing so I find out that what I
stumbled on is Mike's naked body. There's a girl lying in my bed and
I have the most terrible headache in history. I vividly remember last
night, mostly because my room is a fucking mess and there's sperm,
blood and butter everywhere. The girl is naked and I slap her lightly
to wake her up.
She smiles when she opens her eyes, but the smile is frozen when she
meets my cold gaze. I simply tell her to get dressed and leave
immediately. She does so apathetically, in slow motion, her
expression frigid and as she leaves, I put on the latest Death
release It's supposedly the most progressive, and Mike gets up,
making a really weird nasal sound. We have breakfast, although it's
almost twelve o'clock and I suggest we go to McDonalds to continue
eating, because I'm really in the mood for a cheeseburger. He dresses
quietly, somewhat awkwardly and we take the bus to 66 Avenue, where a
big McDonalds lies. My Myspace profile had only seven new friend
requests today. I order two cheeseburgers and fried potatoes. Mike
takes the chicken burger. We sit on a table in the back, where most
other tables are empty and I grab a bite from my cheeseburger, which
tastes delicious. Mike is simply looking at something on the outside
and hasn't touched his burger. As I stare into a crisped fry that
reminds me of a worm, I hear him say:
`What did we do last night.'
I tell him.
`Jh' he simply says and then grabs the first bite of his food.
We simply stare into our food for a couple of minutes, not really
finding anything to share and I begin to eat my second cheeseburger.
After a while, I ask him.
`How many friends have you on Facebook.'
`Got about four thousand six hundred and forty two yesterday' he
shrugs.
That does it. I stare ominously at him, not able to comprehend the
fact that Mike has almost twenty more friends than I do, even though
he stopped using Myspace because it's not epic anymore. The simple
fact of knowing almost causes me to sweat, but I manage finally, to
keep my cool and casually ask him:
`Really.'
`Nope. Can't tell for sure. Facebook is just not epic anymore' he
shrugs again and takes the last bite, which finishes his burger.
`What is.'
`I don't know. Something'
`Why do it.' I ask.
`Do what.'
`All this'
`What exactly is this.'
`Everything'
`Why not.'
`Why should we.'
`It doesn't matter'
`What does.
`Nothing'
I thought so.
We finish our lunch and then go to a park, observe the people who
pass by, not saying anything. Mike once shrugs and looks at a girl
close to physical perfection who passes by. He turns at me and asks
for a cigarette, lighting it with a lighter from Chamber.
`Wanna go to Dada today.' I ask.
`Nope'
`Why.'
`I hate this place'
`Why.'
`People there suck'
`Why.'
There's a moment of silence, he's thinking about it. Then he answers.
`They are fucking posers. Fucking rich kids with too much free time
in their hands. They fucking look at us weird and talk too much shit
about others. They can fucking die for all I care'
`So you're coming.'
`Yeah'
`Call the others. Tell them to come over too'
We spend the afternoon in Mike's house, where we sniff glue and get
high and then he brings a joint he got from Jackson, who looks like
him and also looks like Alfred, but Mike doesn't look like Alfred. We
smoke in silence, waiting for the others to come while listening to
In Flames Latest album rocks,. Mike says something about a girl he
saw last time we were in Dada and wonders if she'll be there tonight.
If she's who I think she is, I have fucked her. But she looks very
much alike three girls I haven't yet fucked, and two I have.
When Seth, Acid and J.J come together they have brought another joint
with them, which is passed around the room and I am too high and
start laughing hysterically when Mike shares stories about last
night's debauchery. Seth says he went home with a girl we all know
and despise, but she would only fuck him without a condom so he just
ate her out. J.J went to a 20-bucks-crackwhore and upon admitting it
we all stare at him disapprovingly. Acid is going to break up with
the slut, but I'm not too sure.
It's eleven o'clock and Seth calls a girl who tries too hard to be
gothic, yet only listens to one song from Marilyn Manson, and when
she kindly denies his proposal to join us, I dial her number and
invite her to Dada myself, at which point she says:
`Jh, I'll be there in half an hour'
This manages to amuse me. It will be fun.

Dada

We hail a cab to Dada, which is in a run-down street, where some
alternative shops have opened recently. Dada is a small gothic bar,
illuminated only by black candles and playing the likes of HIM,
Cradle of Filth, Lacrimas Profundere, Emilie Autumn, Psyclon Nine,
Marilyn Manson etc. The tables are old and worn and the toilets are
littered with plastic skulls. The owner is an old drunk who always
makes moves at underage girls who come at this place for the first
time. I've been to Dada sometimes, actually more than I want to. My
Myspace profile received three more requests by the time I left home.
We sit on an old wooden table and order a round of red wine How
pretentious, and I can spot all the characters in the other tables.
There are these two guys who look so much alike, long hair in a
ponytail with shaved sides, sideburns still there. There's the fat
gothic chick that her nickname in Facebook actually includes the word
`Gothlover' and the semi-literate guys, who keep bragging about the
last novel Crowley wrote. Jn the table to our right are Jane's two
exes, who teamed up against her and simply go to Dada and say how
much cock Jane sucks. They look at me hatefully and I am thinking I
have stolen both of their girlfriends. A guy who looks like forty is
sipping wine while caressing the thigh of what looks like a thirteen-
year-old-slut. There are the occasional metalheads, who only listen
to Dimmu Borgir and Cradle of Filth. Basically, everyone is a poser
and all the girls wear corsets.
Dani who has shamelessly stolen Cradle's frontman's name, is next to
his girlfriend who has a septum piercing that 7eally doesn't match
her face. She says something in his ear and I smile wickedly towards
her. Then, Acid speaks.
`I'm breaking up'
`Good' everyone seems to murmur.
Then the girls come and Jane is along with them. She makes no effort
to wave or say `Hello' to anyone, yet simply sits in my lap. I make
no eye contact with her and she just keeps pressing herself more and
more to me, to a point where I am feeling a ghoulish sense of
suffocation. I grab her from around the waist and move her so I can
see around me and Seth has started a conversation with the wannabe
girl. Neither seems to remember that she declined him half an hour
ago, and I am slightly depressed that there are no arguments.
An idle hour passes, during which everyone talks about how HIM turned
all electronic and shit, and how much the X,-RX live concert rocked
it didn't,. I am not even hoping to fuck someone and Jane keeps
eyeing a tall industrial-looking guy, and I come to the simple
conclusion that I don't even care whether she dies or not.
People come, people go and sometimes people will sit in our table,
only to hear Mike's drunken rant about how much cock Dada sucks. I am
sipping the red wine, which tastes like someone took a big bundle of
sugar and emptied it into the bottle, and observe as people will keep
fixing their hairstyle, make-up, nails, everything. As I excuse
myself to the bathroom, I spot a guy who looks like J.J, who supplies
the goth kids with pills and shit. He says:
`Hi Seth. How's it going, bro.'
`Where the hell have you been, Anton.' I ask, not trying to correct
his mistaking me for Seth.
`Uh, it's Rupert' he says, somewhat awkwardly.
`Yeah, yeah, sorry, I'm a bit wasted. Speaking of which, you got
anything.' I say as I wink.
He seems tense at first, looks around, there's only one brunette
who's on some kind of antidepressants and keeps talking about some
guy named Frank, so she's not that much of a trouble. He takes out a
pillbox and hands me three pills.
`That will be twenty, Seth-boy' he says and I pat him on the shoulder
as I slip him the cash.
He smiles and leaves hastily, to join a black-clad company Everyone
is black-clad here, but what the hell, as I enter one of the toilet
stalls and take one of the pills, then another, as I take a piss. The
effects take place soon after and the little bulb seems to grow
bigger, then smaller, then bigger again. I realize I have pissed
everywhere but inside the toilet and I leave, passing by a pretty,
yet too thin, goth girl who used to go out with Evelyn, who once ate
Jane out while she was still with Markus who uses some stupid
Japanese nickname, since he considers anime culture to be epic,,
before she cheated on him with me. She smiles upon seeing me and she
almost whispers:
`Hello, you'
`Hey there' I try to smile, but her face seems to spin and radiate
and I look over at the sink, who looks like it's melting.
`Where have you been.'
`Around. You.'
`Uh, you know, around'
There's an awkward silence when she looks down at my boots, then my
jeans and then at my eyes. Is she trying to flirt.
`So.' she says.
`So.'
`Still with Jane.'
`Uh, yeah'
There's no one around. Everyone is upstairs, listening to `Dark
Light' by HIM. She starts laughing.
`Jh gosh, I just asked you like last night. I'm so stupid'
What. When did she - Jh, turns out she's not that girl I thought but
really looks like her, and so she must be the girl at Sin City, the
one that used to date Jane and asked me if I was still with her. As
she smiles, nay, shows me her teeth, I realize they are really
crooked and look like poorly-glued broken yellow glasses on pale
gums. As she moves closer, I can smell the wine too much of it, and
something else, rotten, acrid. She presses herself on me hard and
grabs my crotch, the squeezes it tightly. I almost gasp but manage to
keep calm and say:
`We really shouldn't be doing this'
`I want you' she simply says.
The pills I took make her look like a monster with a melting face and
her teeth are growing larger, more and more series of sharp rusty
razors emerging from her bloody mouth, her eyes watery and red, her
skin running down like bad make-up, creating patterns that look like
the ground after a long period of draught. Her hair is shaved on one
side, the skin underneath webbed with ebony veins that throb and
pulsate. As she pushes me into the toilet and locks it behind her, my
last thought is `Why not.'
After ten minutes, we come out, sweating, and her mouth wasn't that
bad to fuck, she even sported a tongue piercing which makes her
somewhat sexier. We didn't have a condom, plus she had her period, so
it was just a blowjob, nothing special. But the thought of Jane being
in the same building with me as I was cheating on her managed to
arouse me, despite the monster-looking girl. As she washed her face
and applied new lipstick purple, which made her mouth look like an
asshole, all she said was:
`Don't tell her'
Later that night I go home and spend seven hours sending friend
requests on MySpace.

Break Up

After two pills of caffeine downed with a double espresso, it's not
very easy to sleep. I am simply sending friend requests again and
again even though MySpace isn't epic anymore, but I really need to
have more friends than the others do. Seth tells me that while I was
away last night, Jane kept glancing at some guy with a Combichrist t-
shirt. The conversation goes like that:
ueaLh Maglck for AdepLs says
*yup she was looklng over aL Leh guy
nameless says
*So?
ueaLh Maglck for AdepLs says
*arenL y gon do anyLhln abouL lL?
nameless says
*l don'L careShe can fuck hlm lf she wanLs
ueaLh Maglck for AdepLs says
*hes fuklng ugly
nameless says
*Ckay
ueaLh Maglck for AdepLs
*Ckay?
nameless says
*Ckay
He logs outs. She comes in after two or three minutes. I won't talk
to her first. I don't know why. The sound of a message incoming is
almost haunting.
Murderdoll says
*ulefLwlLhouLsaylnganyLhlnglasLngL
nameless says
*l had a headache uldn'L wanL Lo worry you
Murderdoll says
*WanLcomebymyplaceLngL?!
nameless says
*Sure
Murderdoll says
* 3
nameless says
*8 o'clock
I log off. There were three more people other than Jane that I was
talking to, and I didn't say bb to any of them. But it doesn't really
matter. I keep playing the new Duke Nukem, which people keep saying
is epic, but I fail to see it, yet bought it nonetheless. The hours
pass idly, steadily, someone sends me a message, I delete it without
even reading it. Later I eat a frozen pizza that was in the
refrigerator for God knows how long, maybe even before summer, but it
tastes really good so it's alright.
I wear a simple long sleeve shirt with skulls on it that is almost
see-through and a pair of black jeans I got from River Island. I take
a full pack of cigarettes with me and take a cab to Jane's place. She
opens the door on the third knock and is only wearing a purple baby-
doll that makes her look really cute. Her hair is not straightened
and she looks. Sad. That's the only way that comes to mind to
describe her. She leads me into the room where.
We simply lie on her bed, smoking our cigarettes, talking. I can't
remember the last time we talked so much and I come to the simple
conclusion that we haven't really talked since we got together.
It's funny. It's sad.
My head is on her belly and she's stroking my hair with one hand, the
other holding one of my cigarettes. She almost whispers.
`Did you hear about Roger.'
`No'
`He is dead'
`Jh' I'm not sure who she's talking about. There's a minute of
silence before she talks again.
`They were driving with Matt, Jerry and Tom. I think Matt was
driving. Anyway, he was drunk and they crashed on a wall. Roger died'
`Uh, Matt died. Roger was driving the car'
`Jh'
It's true. A kid from our school was drunk one night and when he took
his buddies to take them back to his home, he crashed his father's
car on a concrete wall and the kid on the passenger seat who was
Matt, right., got killed after a month in the emergency room. People
kept writing things like `RIP brother' and `We miss you big guy' on
his Facebook wall and that's mainly why I remember it's him. Jther
than that, that whole company looked so much alike, because they were
all a bunch of fucking chavs with stupid baggy clothes. Some lady
near my house kept saying how `stupid fucking kids had it coming,
being drunk at three fucking o'clock in the morning' but I think she
bitched mainly because the wall they crashed in was next to her house
and the sound woke her up.
The fact that people who didn't know Matt Jr Roger, I'm not even
sure myself, started visiting his profile to post RIP messages and
stuff is weird, absurd. But he was very famous close to creating a
second profile, and people want to look like they knew him. His
father somehow found his password and started posting random insane
ramblings about politics ., and religion. People keep commenting on
how right he is and like and like and like everything he posts. They
keep forwarding messages about how much of a nice guy Matt/Roger was,
forgetting the fact that he was dealing crack and selling joints to
12 year olds, or that night in Fuzz, where either he or Joseph left a
girl pregnant and he had to start dealing XTC to pay for the
abortion. His girlfriend, who I think is called Cynthia and looks
like Mike or Seth's sister I'm not sure which is the one with a
sister,, told Jasmine about the abortion and two days later Jasmine
left a pretty big hint in her latest Facebook status, so naturally
everyone learned about it.
I am finishing my last cigarette in 5 o'clock in the morning and Jane
is downing her third eleventh., glass of red wine. As the
conversation drifts from Matt/Roger to Alexis, who became instantly
in,famous due to a rumor that she has AIDS after she slept with her
fifteenth lover of the year and then to a guy who goes by the
nickname of Satanic Cenobite, who started dealing cocaine in a
desperate attempt to gain some recognition and probably get laid,.
I am aching, don't really know why, and Jane is saying something
about a guy named Luke, who cheated on Marie with Alison, when I say:
`I want to break up'
There's silence, dreadful and harrowing silence.
`Jkay' she says, exhaling the smoke, her face a pale mask of
nothingness.
`But I don't want to be single on Facebook' I continue.
There are minutes where nothing is said. Neither of us makes any
attempt to force the other into saying something and I can feel her
stomach growing larger, then smaller, then larger again, as my head
rests on it.
`That night in Sin.' she begins.
`Yeah.'
`I fucked that guy in the toilet'
`I see' I say and shrug.
`I-`
`I have cheated on you with ten or twelve girls. More, perhaps'
She says nothing, just finishes her cigarette. Then I feel her moving
towards the other side of the bed, and she gets up. I just lie still.
`That guy. He was different'
`In what way.'
She sits in her office chair and faces the black laptop screen. My
eyes have adjusted to the darkness and I can clearly make out her
expression. It's kind of. dreamy. I get up and walk towards her, then
sit on the small chair next to her office. She turns around to face
me.
`In what way.' I repeat.
`He spent the night talking. About me. About things we liked. About
our favorite movies and stuff.' her sentence fades - again.
`So.' I ask.
`He had something. Not just good looks. With you. There's nothing.
You are empty'
`I'm on a lot of painkillers now, so you can't really um, annoy me' I
hiss.
`I'm not trying to' she says, on the verge of tears. She looks away
to hide her wet eyes.
I move the chair closer to her and grab her from her soft chin,
lifting her face towards me, so she can look me in the eyes.
`I just have one question' I whisper, one or two inches away from her
face. She just looks at me, nodding slightly.
`Am I beautiful.' I ask.
`Yes' she says and gets up, free from my grasp.
`I want you to say that I am more beautiful than him' I demand.
`This is what you want to hear.' she asks, and I can see she's
holding a new pack of cigarettes.
`Yes' I reply nonchalantly.
`Fine, you are'
`Good'
`Good'
We simply stare into each other, never into the eyes, never trying to
comfort each other. Afterwards I lie down in bed and she lies next to
me, humming to a HIM song from her iPod. She is asleep five minutes
later and-

Day

`You just left.' Seth asks.
`Yeah' I say.
It's ten o'clock in the morning and I haven't slept so we are over at
Underground drinking espressos and eating club sandwiches. I left
Jane's house at about six o'clock, some minutes after she slept. The
coffee at Underground is not particularly nice, but everyone says
it's an epic place and the music is very decent indeed, so I forgo
the espresso's bitter taste and concentrate on telling Seth what
happened last night.
Jn the table to our right sit two beautiful blonde girls that are
obviously glam metal fans, dressed in Steel Panther modified t-
shirts. My Facebook profile had twenty new friend requests as of this
day. There's a new song by Lady Gaga being played I think it's
Judas, but I'm not too sure, and the waitress is a new one, pale and
redhead. The club sandwich is good. Not great, just good.
`The red hair guy.' Seth asks as I grab the last bite.
`Yeah'
`Isn't he named Anton.'
`Anton is Diedre's boyfriend. It's not him'
`Wait, wait, I got it. He's that Abominus guy'
`Uh, yeah, whatever'
The guy who goes by the name of Abominus does look like the red hair
guy, but also looks like Jimmy and also Helen's boyfriend, whom she
has cheated on with me in the same way I cheated on Jane with her. Is
this his revenge now. I am hatefully staring at the bubbles forming
on the coffee's surface. Someone will know who it was Jane fucked
that night at Sin. Seth now tells me about some chick he nailed last
night but I'm already typing a message to Jimmy to come and meet us.
Jimmy is two years older and comes to our jolly company every now and
then but he's not really a friend.
nd wo is? A little voice says.
We keep flirting with the pair of blonde girls when Jimmy, dressed in
a Sonata Arctica t-shirt and black jeans comes in the coffee house.
We high-five each other and once he sits down he starts telling us
about how he and Acid went out last night at Chamber and were given
handjobs by the same goth slut.
`Isn't Acid in a relationship anymore.' I ask, grinning, lighting a
cigarette.
`They broke up some days ago' Jimmy says, shrugging his shoulders.
Seth nods, thinking. How the hell didn't I know about that earlier.
`Anyway, we are going to Edge tonight with Janice. You guys wanna
join us.' Jimmy asks. Seth nods positively.
`Sure' I shrug.
We spend the rest of the hour checking at the girls and I finally
invite one to come with me tonight. She says something like `Yeah,
sure' and we leave. We invite Jimmy over to Seth's place to do drugs
and listen to the latest Sopor Aeternus. Seth's place is empty,
`cause his mother is away with some friends for vacation. I sit on
the large double bed and take a Vicodin I picked from my pocket. My
mother does a lot of Vicodin, sometimes I steal it from her
nightstand and there's more than enough left for the whole summer.
Jimmy says how much Sopor Aeternus suck and how much better Rhapsody
is and that we should totally listen to their latest album.
`The last time Rhapsody were epic was like in the fucking eighties' I
say, watching the ceiling. He says something incomprehensible.
Seth takes out a bottle of whiskey Jack Daniels, and we drink it
while passing a joint around. When we are sufficiently stoned, Seth
picks up the phone and we start making prank calls to old ladies from
the neighborhood. As Seth is telling an old lady how he's going to
rape and kill her, I get a phone call and go to the bathroom. It's
Jane.
`Hello.' I ask.
`That was really fucking lame of you, you know'
`Uh, what.'
`You are fucking worthless. I can't believe I have fucked someone
like you'
Her voice is furious, filled to the brim with primal rage and she
almost sounds like an old lady. She bores me.
`What are you. Talking about.'
`When we went to Dada, you went to the restroom with Elaine'
I'm not sure the girl that made moves on me that night was called
Elaine, and she's probably mistaking her for someone else, but I
reply positively. There's a silence, during which I can hear Seth and
Jimmy singing drunkenly to a song, and after half a minute Jane
speaks again:
`You talked about me behind my back, right.'
`No. I simply fucked her. We didn't talk about you, obviously'
`Jh.'
`Why are you calling me.' I say, angrily.
`I just-you left without saying anything. I just missed you, you
know.'
`We broke up Jane'
`Technically, we didn't'
`We did'
`I'm sorry'
`Jkay'
I hang up and go back to the room, which is filled with the smoke's
haze. Jimmy says something about how we should get ready for going
over at The Edge but I simply go back, into the living room, the
purple sofa, and sit there until they come, Seth all dressed up, and
we hail a cab, heading straight to The Edge.
Jr are we.
The rest feels like a dream sequence. Like those times when you are
drunk enough to feel that slight discomfort when you turn your head
around and it feels like you made a move that covered miles of
distance, but you are not drunk enough to black out and do things
that you won't remember when you wake up. When life passes before
your eyes like a movie and everything you do, like lift another glass
of vodka, is only partly decided by you. The rest is the alcohol and
drugs, acting and deciding in your place.
The Edge is a really big bar, filled with rock star posters
everywhere, the walls and ceiling literally covered with them. There
are two large pool tables and some chairs made from black wood. The
customers are usually glam metallers and goth chicks. The DJ always
plays classics from Guns `N' Roses, The Eagles, Cinderella and other
hard rock bands. As we enter, I light another Camel Blue and order
two absinthe shots when we sit at one of the three large tables,
waiting for. Who are we waiting for, actually.