Highly involved, intensively hands-on parenting is often pursued as a method of preparing kids

for achievement and excellence. But a new study has found that it can actually inhibit in kids a
skill critical to school and social success: self-control.
“Helicopter parenting behavior we saw included parents constantly guiding their child by telling
him or her what to play with, how to play with a toy, how to clean up after playtime and being
too strict or demanding,” says Nicole B. Perry, PhD, from the University of Minnesota.
Research shows that children with helicopter parents may be less able to deal with the
challenging demands of growing up, especially with navigating the complex school
environment,” Perry says. “Children who cannot regulate their emotions and behavior
effectively are more likely to act out in the classroom, to have a harder time making friends and
to struggle in school.”
Children need parents and caregivers who are sensitive to their needs and recognize when they
are capable of managing a situation and when they the need guidance because an emotional
situation is too challenging. This helps children develop the ability to handle challenging
situations on their own as they grow up, and leads to better mental and physical health,
healthier social relationships and academic success.

The Balancing Act: ‘Can I Escape The

Unwritten Parenting Law?’
By Sonali Gupta
Aug 25, 2015

Every other week, Sonali Gupta draws on more than 10 years of experience
as a clinical psychologist to answer readers’ questions about parenting, family
dynamics, relationships, mental health, and more.

More To My Conversation: How can I escape from the unwritten parenting law
that one must talk about one’s children all the time?

Sonali: I love the question! I’m sure this sentiment would resonate with a lot of
mothers.
In my experience as a therapist and a parent, I do witness people’s obsession
with their children. With social media and various WhatsApp groups, I see this
translate to a different level: showing off. (I must mention here that I see more
mothers than fathers being consumed by this.) Some parents seek validity
from their children’s achievements. This kind of overinvolvement and
helicopter parenting is giving rise to the phenomenon of ‘The Trophy Child,’
and I wonder if people sometimes use children to soothe their fragile self-
esteem.

This act of consciously or unconsciously burdening children with expectations,

however, can hinder their emotional and social development. Parents’
obsession can lead to enmeshment, which prevents a child from
developing his or her own sense of self. Parenthood can be a great source of
meaning and identity; but when it becomes people’s sole source of meaning
and identity, it further contributes to enmeshed relationships. In the long run,
this pattern impacts not just the child, but also parents’ mental health
negatively.

By creating your own rules around when you speak about your own children,
you are drawing a healthy boundary. And your actions may influence others to
do the same. It’s normal to experience a sense of frustration as one hears
parents bragging about children’s achievements. I must thank you for stating
this so explicitly. Parents who choose to find their own voices and identity live
their own life – and help their children grow – holistically.

Falling Behind At Five? I see other parents obsessed with putting children into
phonetics, maths and other academic classes. How important are these? Is
my daughter (5) missing out by not going to a class?

Sonali: I can understand how concerned you feel about making the right
choice by not sending your daughter to a class based on academics. It’s
normal to feel peer pressure when most parents seem to be doing this. But, in
my opinion, the choice is entirely yours.

I think Indian parents are developing FOMO, that is, Fear Of Missing Out.
They worry that if they don’t send their children to these academic classes,
their children will lag behind. The reality is, a lot of what is done in these
classes is also done in school. I wonder how interested and intellectually
stimulated a child will be in school, if she has already learned the lesson in
extracurricular phonetics or maths class.

Children these days have busy schedules, with no time left for unstructured
play. A lot of our ideas about self, creativity and critical thinking emerge from
having time to play, explore and discover the world around us. Learning to
enjoy free time and one’s own company is one of the little joys that is slowly
disappearing from today’s childhood. Children today have busier schedules
than adults, leaving them with more stress and less time to relax. In short,
leaving them without a childhood.

It may be fine to schedule one or two classes per week. (I suggest a skill-
based class, such as swimming, martial arts, sports, music, or art depending
on where your child’s interests and aptitude lie.) Research does show that
competence in a skill can add to a child’s confidence and self-esteem. Sports
and martial arts also teach children about fair play, cooperation, team spirit
and healthy competition.

But what matters most is how you choose to form a relationship of trust and
empathy with your child. Your daily interactions and conversations have the
power to help your child grow into a good human being with faith in her own
abilities – regardless of whether she takes extra classes.

Parenting In The Age of Social Media

By Kamala Thiagarajan
Jul 20, 2015

Today’s parents are grappling with an issue no previous generation has faced: social
media’s place in our lives and
in our children’s lives. Each day this week, at least one post will tackle the topic from a
different angle. Read on and, as always, make the decisions best for you and your
family.

When Malini*, 14, logged onto her Facebook page one evening after school, she found
a rather nasty comment on one of her recent profile pics—left by a perfect stranger.

“You think you’re beautiful?” he’d written, “You’re so ugly, I feel like vomiting when I see
your face.”
Malini froze in shock as she read the words, and their viciousness clawed at her for
weeks. But she felt she couldn’t speak to her parents about it for fear of being forbidden
from using Facebook altogether.

“All my friends are on Facebook,” Malini says. “I couldn’t give it up, but I was scared to
log in after that. It wasn’t until one of my friends showed me the privacy setting that I
realized that too many of my posts had gone public and I wasn’t even aware of it.”

Today, she still doesn’t know who posted the insult, but she’s learnt that personal
security online matters just as much as it does in the real world.

Social media is so much a part of children’s lives, now, that to indiscriminately restrict its
use or demonize it is futile. After all, it can be used for good – to research a homework
assignment, delve deeper into a subject or keep in touch with extended family and
friends – as much as for indolence or blind malice. As of 2014, 108.9 million Indians use
Facebook – roughly 20 percent of whom are 18 or younger – placing India second in
number of users of the world’s most popular social media site. So the question most
parents face now is not whether to allow children on social media – 21 million of them
are already there– but how to know what parameters to place on its use.

A PRIVILEGE, NOT A NECESSITY

Setting boundaries and supervising screen time helps children use social media
responsibly, experts say. But instead of issuing orders or proposing blanket bans, many
advocate setting up online time as something that must be earned— a privilege, not a
necessity.

“For instance, there should be no playing games, watching TV, or internet use until all
other tasks or chores have been completed,” says Ritika S. Aggarwal, Psychological
Counsellor at Jaslok Hospital & Research Centre, Mumbai.

Aggarwal advises setting a mutually acceptable time for children to be on social media
and ensuring that they adhere to it strictly. However, she cautions against making rules
so extreme that parents are unable to enforce them—or observe the rules themselves.

“We can’t expect our children to give up (social media) if we’re addicted ourselves,”
says Gayatri Swaminathan, clinical psychologist at TalkItOver Counselling service,
Bengaluru. “The rules should apply to everyone in the house.”

A HAZARD TO BE MONITERED

Attacks from strangers, like the one Malini experienced, aren’t the only pitfalls of
unbridled social media use.

“Once something is posted online, a digital footprint is created,” says Aggarwal.

Children, however, seldom understand the permanent nature of the Internet or what the
repercussions of carelessness could be—partly because they are not wired to.
The prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain that understands long-term consequences –
doesn’t develop fully until around age 25. Therefore, parents need explain the do’s and
don’ts of social media interactions and Internet use.

“My kids have Gmail accounts with strict instructions not to accept any Google +
requests nor to open email from people they don’t know,” says Rasana Atreya, author
and mother of two. If they’re in doubt, she says, they know to check with her first.

Ushadevi Shenbagaraj, an entrepreneur based in Madurai, also uses this approach.

She was always apprehensive, she says, when her two girls, now aged 21 and 17,
logged onto the Internet when they were younger.

“I told them that not everyone is who they say they are online and always advised them
to stay alert and exercise caution,” she says.

Swaminathan suggests some additional strict instructions for kids: never share personal
information, including one’s address, school or even photographs of the distinctive
landmarks or streets near home. And don’t accept friend requests from people with
whom one doesn’t have a mutual friend.

While this approach may work for older children, other parents rely on password
protected child-locks on sites to ensure their young children aren’t accidentally exposed
to inappropriate material. Agarwal, however, advises open communication as the best
course to monitoring children’s social media activity.

“Monitor usage, but don’t infringe on privacy,” she says. “This is a very fine line which
you will need to navigate.”

Ensure account privacy settings are in place, position the computer in a central location
that parents can monitor with ease, and take a genuine interest in what children are
doing online.

“Children should be able to discuss anything they find online that is disturbing or
uncomfortable,” says Swaminathan. “If there is any trouble, don’t reprimand or blame
them. Your support will ensure that they stay safe and use technology responsibly.”

A BALANCE AND A BACKSWING

One of our fundamental needs as a species is acceptance—a desire that reaches a

fever pitch during adolescence. Social media can build children up with the number of
‘likes’ on a photo as easily as it can tear them down with nasty comments. The former
can draw kids into valuing online life more than real interactions and activities; a 2012
study found social media more addictive than cigarettes.

Aggarwal advises parents to watch out for signs of social media addiction such as:
decreased interest in activities that do not involve technology, feeling more comfortable
talking to people online, difficulty communicating, not completing school work or
household chores, and lying about or hiding technology use. All these behaviours
should signal to parents that they need to restrict time spent on social media.

It’s best, however, to head off this behaviour from the start. Swaminathan suggests
gently pushing kids toward real-world activities that they’ve always found enjoyable,
until they gradually accept less time online.

Interestingly, we may already be in the backswing of the social media craze, as kids
who grew up with these sites in the background come of age.

Atreya didn’t allow her son to use Facebook until he was the permissible age—a rule
seldom followed by children, who often lie about their age in order to sign up and use
social media. Yet, Atreya’s son obeyed. When he turned 13, she fully expected him to
step up his requests for a Facebook account. When he was strangely silent, she
questioned him about it.

“He said most of his friends – all 12-, 13-, 14-year-olds – have smartphones now and
that it was really annoying when they interrupt conversations to check their status
updates,” she says. “He mentioned how social media was making them unsocial and
that he had decided to wait before being a part of it.”

*Name changed to protect the privacy of a minor.