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Ebook Raising LGBTQ Allies A Parent S Guide To Changing The Messages From The Playground 1St Edition Chris Tompkins Online PDF All Chapter
Ebook Raising LGBTQ Allies A Parent S Guide To Changing The Messages From The Playground 1St Edition Chris Tompkins Online PDF All Chapter
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RAISING LGBTQ ALLIES
RAISING LGBTQ ALLIES
CHRIS TOMPKINS
Cover
Half Title
Title
Copyright
Dedication
Contents
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Part I: Awareness
Notes
Bibliography
—Resmaa Menakem
—Gavin Newsom
—Jamie Arpin-Ricci
UNLEARNING FEAR
—Marianne Williamson
—Eckhart Tolle
—India Arie
C hances are, if you’re reading this book and were born within
the past hundred years, you’ve been influenced by homophobia
and transphobia. We are shaped by our families, our cultures, and
our environments. It’s not possible to have grown up in modern
civilization and not have picked up, either consciously or
subconsciously, fear-based beliefs about gender and sexuality.
Specifically as it pertains to being gay, the word gay often has a
sexualized or negative association, which is one of many reasons
why some parents can have a subconscious aversion to speaking to
their children about sexuality or considering the possibility their child
might be LGBTQ. Some think sex and sexuality are the same, but
sexuality is about much more. Our sexuality is also about love,
relationships, and family, not only about sex.
One of the things I’ve learned from giving Messages from the
Playground presentations is that most of us, especially when we’re
around other people, won’t openly admit or acknowledge
homophobic or transphobic biases. Similarly, with racism, most
people don’t want to accept that they may have racist beliefs, yet we
know racism unfortunately still exists in our country and around the
world. In the article “Implicit Racial Bias,” author Bailey Maryfield
says, “Everyone possesses implicit biases, even people with avowed
commitments to impartiality. Moreover, the implicit associations we
hold do not necessarily align with our declared beliefs or even reflect
stances we would explicitly endorse.”1
Not long ago, a parent shared with me how shocked they were
to realize their own level of subconscious racism. They’ve never
considered themselves racist and told me they have many African
American friends. It wasn’t until they considered the possibility their
child might date someone Black did they come into touch with their
internal and subconscious racial bias. I asked what they discovered
when they took an honest look within themselves, and they told me
they feared how society would treat their child. They also worried
about what their child’s life would look like and the challenges they
could face being in an interracial relationship. The fears this parent
shared about the possibility of having a child in an interracial
relationship are the exact same, almost verbatim, fears I often hear
from parents with regard to having a child who is LGBTQ.
For example, I recently watched a video where an openly gay
celebrity father said he would prefer it if his five-year-old son wasn’t
gay because he worried about him getting bullied and picked on at
school. Hearing a parent, especially a gay parent, say they prefer
their child be a certain way makes me sad and frustrated. It also
reminds me that just because we’re LGBTQ, or an ally of the
community, doesn’t mean we can’t be homophobic or pass along
homophobic beliefs. Being an ally or a gay parent doesn’t
automatically exclude us from teaching homophobia, just like saying
we have African American friends but fear our child being in an
interracial relationship doesn’t make it any less racist.
Growing up in a heteronormative society, it’s not possible to
completely escape homophobic beliefs that exist in the world from
influencing us. That’s the conscious inner work I’m inviting us to do:
to look within our own life and see where it’s possible we’re teaching
homophobia through our choice of words and language, which
ultimately reflects our beliefs.
As an uncle, someone who works with youth, and also a gay
man who has worked to heal his own homophobia, I want to further
explore why I think it’s harmful for adults to prefer children be a
certain way. Especially when it comes to having a preference over a
child’s gender and sexuality, it can be particularly harmful.
The first reason is that it implies that being LGBTQ is a choice.
Being LGBTQ is no more a choice or trend than being right- or left-
handed. Some people are born right-handed and some left-handed,
but it’s neither a choice nor a trend. In fact, if we were to try and
remember how we made the choice to start using our dominant
hand, we couldn’t. It’s just something inherent in us.
The second is that it doesn’t address the root of the concern. I
understand not wanting a child to experience hardship or challenge,
but when we prefer our child to be straight because we’re afraid of
how the world will treat them, blame is placed on LGBTQ children
and does nothing to change why they’re statistically more at risk for
bullying and abuse.
The third and most damaging reason I think it’s problematic for
anyone to prefer their child not be gay, lesbian, or transgender is
that it sends the message that being LGBTQ is “less than.” It also
teaches queerphobia. Preferring a child to not be gay reinforces the
closet—and the closet is a hotbed for shame (which we will explore
in chapter 6).
What’s more, it’s quite common for a lot of parents to see their
children as only straight and cisgender, an example of heterosexism.
If we want to be a part of the solution and help create a world
where all children are normal and natural, we have to challenge the
dominant heteronormative worldview and not make assumptions
about children’s identities. By having preferences over our children’s
gender and sexuality, we send the subtle message that being
straight and cisgender is somehow superior to being LGBTQ.
When we prefer a child to be a certain way, we’re automatically
making the ones who aren’t that way wrong. A more empowering
and inclusive parenting approach would be to explore why we have
certain preferences and whether we’re willing to challenge them
before they’re passed down intergenerationally.
As we work to create a world in which all children are affirmed
and accepted, it’s important for each of us to heal any queerphobia
within ourselves so that we don’t teach it in our families—including
what words we use, or don’t use, to talk about our LGBTQ loved
ones.
In this chapter, we’re going to explore how language matters
and how behind each word we use are subconscious beliefs, that is,
messages from the playground, about people, places, and things.
For example, in addition to the word preference, other common
words I often hear, read, or see associated with LGBTQ people
include: issues, lifestyle, choice, different, trend, and transition.
Oftentimes, when it comes to language, we may not even be
aware of the words we use and how they eventually stick to us like
labels. The late literary icon Toni Morrison passed away in 2019, and
I recently read one of her quotes about language that struck me.
She said, “We die. That may be the meaning of life. But we do
language. That may be the measure of our lives.”
To the extent we are unaware of how queerphobic beliefs can
infiltrate language, we will teach them to youth. This chapter is a
continuation of the previous, and in it, we’re going to explore how
labels, especially, keep queerphobia alive, even in the most
accepting spaces. When it comes to addressing queerphobia, or
anything that has to do with societal, cultural, and familial harm, it’s
important we approach it holistically as a system—from all angles.
When my cousin’s husband was diagnosed with cancer in 2018,
he wasn’t automatically given radiation. Instead, he met with an
oncologist to address not only the disease but also its prevention,
diagnosis, and various forms of treatment. I look at healing
queerphobia in the same way. Just like cancer, queerphobia is a
disease. Not only do we need to consider where it comes from, but
we also need to look at all the ways in which it manifests itself in
families, societies, and cultures—which includes the language and
labels we use when we speak, read, and write about LGBTQ people.
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tuloja lisäillyt. Myös tietään hänen toimittaneen yhteisen
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v. 1500.
Kolmas Aikakausi.