ZOO - July 3, 2015 UK

THE RUDE TENNIS ISSUE!
NEW BALLS
PLEASE!
NEW BALLS
PLEASE!
STARRING! ROSIE JONES & LISSY CUNNINGHAM
www.ZOOToday.com Issue 585
Meet your perfeersct!

doubles partn
ROSIE & LISSY!

AMAZING SEXY NEW SHOOT!
TED 2
ANYONE FOR EXCLUSIVE!
TPluEs!NNIS?
SETH MACFARLANE
AND MARK
WAHLBERG
TALK TO ZOO!
MUST-SEE SNAPS!
LADY GAGA
Wimbledon’s ! SUPER HOT
top babes 2015 Ana
Ivanovic
Sabine
Lisicki
Maria
Sharapova NEW PICS
MARK SETH AMANDA MORGAN
WAHLBERG MACFARLANE SEYFRIED FREEMAN
15TBC
THE
THUNDER
BUDDIES
ARE BACK
IN CINEMAS
JULY 8
BOOK YOUR TICKETS NOW

Ted2Tickets.co.uk
Academic House
24-28 Oval Road
London
UPFRONT NW1 7DT
4 Lovely Lady Gaga’s Bahamas
Phone 020 7241 8000
bikini break! Email info@zootoday.com or
firstname.surname@zootoday.com
6 Mark Wahlberg and Seth
ZOO runs editorial work experience
MacFarlane Ted 2 stars talk to ZOO! placements. To apply, visit
gothinkbig.co.uk
8 W.T.F! Giant penis rampage!
9 Buckingham Palace rebuild
ZOO gets a builder’s quote!

THE ZOO TEAM
EDITOR
10 Calcio Storico The most
violent football match ever P30 Damien McSorley 020 3227 7516
EDITORIAL ASSISTANT/
ENTERTAINMENT WRITER
14 Chelsea Ferguson Sexy ZOO
Harriet Notton 020 3227 7512
babe banned from Snapchat! DEPUTY EDITOR
16 The David Haye Column Giles Milton 020 3227 7518
18 Motors Mercedes GLE SUV ACTING FEATURES EDITOR
Joe Barnes 0203 227 7514
20 Your Shout!
SPORTS EDITOR
22 Get Fact James Ankobia 020 3227 7515
24 Jokes NEWS & GAMES EDITOR
26 Reviews Films, games & music
James Wright 020 3227 7511
28 TV Essentials
JUNIOR WRITER
Drew Middleton 020 3227 7510
ART DIRECTOR
Jonathan Coull 020 3227 7504
FEATURES ART EDITOR
Dave Botham 020 3227 7505
46Mexico’s most deadly cartel! PICTURE EDITOR
Murder, drugs, exploding helicopters
COVER & CONTENTS PHOTOGRAPHY: Richie Sambora. COVER & CONTENTS STYLING: Lisa Nicolaou. COVER & CONTENTS HAIR & MAKE-UP: Becky Rule
Colin Williams 020 3227 7503

SENIOR PICTURE RESEARCHER
Rachel Billings 020 3227 7502
SPORT P58 PRODUCTION EDITOR
54 Mascot maths equations P10 Jonathan Sever 020 3227 7509
CHIEF SUB-EDITOR
56 Richard Krajicek The former Rob Buxton 020 3227 7508
Wimbledon champ rates SW10’s
big hopefuls WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
58 How to win the British GP!
WEB & DIGITAL EDITOR
Jon Moody 020 3227 7513
60 Quiz & Fanzone
CONTRIBUTORS
Art Rod Edwards
Creative Retouching epc@bauer.com
GIRLS ZOO Mates

● Only one
ZOO Hates
● Ever-worsening
Production Holly Stone
Web Melaku Zenebe
30 Delightful doubles Rosie Jones week to go hayfever!

PEOPLE IN TIDIER OFFICES / ADVERTISING /
COVER & CONTENTS PICS: Rex Features, Action Images, Fameflynet/Mavrix/OIC
till the Ashes! ● The “bum

and Lissy Cunningham hit the court! ● Devouring loads poking” tactics used MARKETING / OTHER STUFF
of American candy in Copa America
48 Greenwich goddess Ellis ● Lionesses showing the ● Accusations of Chief Executive Paul Keenan
Group Managing Director Abby Carvosso
men how it’s done cafetiere thievery Publisher Gareth Cherriman
Attard’s brilliantly booby Personal Assistant To Paul Keenan Emma Knowles
Business Analyst Giles Clawson
ZOO debut! Group MD Advertising Richard Dunmall
Head Of Creative & Brand Solutions Clare Chamberlain
66 #ZOOTwitties Head Of Marketplace Simon Kilby
Head Of Brands Remy Kirk
Group Brand Director Hannah Preston 020 7295 8583
Media Planner John Donnachie 020 7295 5517
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Regional Advertising Katherine Brown 0161 833 8639
Classified Sales Executive Chris Challis 01733 366377
BEEN UP TO! Classified Sales Manager Karen Gardiner 01733 366434

Ad Production Manager Jackie Doran 01733 468107
Creative Solutions Senior Producer Jenna Herman 020 7295 5404
Creative Solutions Art Director Jon Creswell 020 7295 6786
Took on the annual Head Of Marketing Simon Doggett 020 7208 3519
Sky Sports pub quiz Marketing Executive Alex Penge 020 7208 3521
Head Of Consumer PR/Media Enquiries Jess Blake 020 7208 3424
and left with the
trophy for a third
W in ne rs Chowed down on barbecued
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Production Manager Martin Dunphy 020 7241 8108

year running! Beat 3r d ye ar alien organs at the launch of Printer Polestar Bicester 01869 363333
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W O W,
It beats IT’S
GAGA!
a steak
dress!
Lady Gaga’s made some pretty far out fashion
choices, but this is one outfit we can all appreciate!
W
hatever your thoughts are on Lady
Gaga’s music, you can’t argue the
naughty New Yorker isn’t hard
working. Last year, the blonde beauty
performed 78 sell-out shows across the globe,
belting out roughly 1,716 tracks.
So you’d think she’d be taking it easy in
2015. But even now she’s still working her
beautifully-formed behind off, most recently
opening the European Games in Azerbaijan.
Then last week, something amazing happened.
The astounding American started to relax, peeling
WORDS: James Wright. PICS: Fameflynet/Mavrix/OIC
off on a break in the Bahamas.

Aside from her music, the 29-year-old pop babe
is best known for her varied collection of bizarre
outfits – not least the raw beef steak dress she wore
at the 2010 MTV VMAs. But we’re definitely of the
opinion that this skimpy two-piece, which shows
off all her cracking curves, is her best yet.
M T V AWA R DSS!
With a body like this, we thank the almighty
that Gaga was born this way!
4 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
M E AT D R E S
B E A U T I F U L AI NS !
THE BAHAM
WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 5
“Ted was going
to be a hand D
puppet!”
W A H L B E R G A N
MARK R L A N E
SE T H M A C F A
TA L K T O Z O O !
The Ted 2 stars sit down to chat to ZOO about offending actors,
imaginary fights and being drenched in fake sperm...
H
I, GUYS! HOW MARK, THIS IS YOUR FIRST-
DIFFICULT WAS IT EVER SEQUEL. WHAT
WRITING A SEQUEL CHANGED FOR YOU?
TO ONE OF THE FUNNIEST MARK WAHLBERG Seth and
COMEDIES OF RECENT I felt the same way: as long as
TIMES? we could make it better than
SETH MACFARLANE It’s the first, and it was its own
terrifying looking at a blank thing, then I was alright. Once
page. Originally, the story was he told me the story, I was
going to be John and Ted thrilled because it definitely
bringing a pot shipment across stood on its own. It’s not
the country. We’d written an piggy-backing on the
outline, then We’re The Millers first film.
came out and I was like, “Oh WE HEARD YOU HAD
sh*t, we can’t do this!” QUITE A TOUGH TIME
SO WHERE DID TED 2’S GETTING THE
COURTROOM SETTING FIRST TED FILM
COME FROM? OFF THE
SM We didn’t want to rehash GROUND?
the same movie. I see a lot SM There
of comedy sequels that are was a
essentially safe re-dos, and point
I had an idea from an old story
PICS: Landmark Media, Rex Features
about a slave in the civil war

who sued the supreme court
INTERVIEW: Harriet Notton
for his freedom. I figured

it would be great to do
that with somebody
like Ted, who’s not
Seth
human. on set!
6 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
Te d a n d J o hrne !
where Ted was going to be
a hand puppet. That was the
back for mo
only way it was going to be
doable because no one wanted
to spend that kind of money
on a bear in an R-rated comedy.
There are no guarantees and it
was a risk. Thankfully,
Universal and Mark saw
something in it.
WE HAVE TO ASK: HOW
DID YOU CONVINCE
FIVE-TIME ACADEMY
AWARD NOMINEE MW He’s a huge fan of the first that it’s not real, and it’s edible.
MORGAN FREEMAN film, too. At least he told me I told them straight, “It’s not
TO JOIN THE FILM? that. I believed him because going in my mouth, dude!”
SM I honestly don’t know. He he can be very convincing. Of course, I thought it was just
was very game, very easy SM I think for a lot of dramatic going to be a couple of little
going and he liked the actors it’s fun to do a comedy drops, then here comes Seth
script. That’s all and do something silly now with a bucket and a hose!
I can say. and again. I got the sense that IT’S FAIR TO SAY SOME
this was a kick for him. JOKES ARE PRETTY
MARK, YOU GET INTO OUTRAGEOUS. DOES
ANOTHER SCUFFLE WITH SHOCKING THE AUDIENCE
COME NATURALLY?
“You’ll get 10 lashes

SM We never try to shock just
to shock: the comedy can’t
come from shock itself. The
for laughing on set!”

gag has to be funny first. If it
also shocks, it has to be funny.
HOW DO YOU KNOW
WHEN YOU’VE CROSSED
THE LINE?
TED. HAS IT GOT ANY SM A lot of the time we’re right
EASIER FIGHTING AN on the razor’s edge of what’s
IMAGINARY BEAR THE funny and what’s offensive,
SECOND TIME and we only know whether it’s
AROUND? crossed the line when we test it
MW Not exactly. When in front of an audience.
we had the fight scene HAVE YOU EVER HAD ANY
in the first film, I was CELEBRITIES WHO GET
like, “This is never ANGRY FOR HOW YOU’VE
going to work dude. PORTRAYED THEM?
This is ridiculous!” SM Not in any major way. For
SM We had a crew of the most part, people tend to
people staring at Mark be pretty easy going. People
while he’s pretending to take it as a sort of compliment
wrestle this bear and that you’re taking the time to
pulling his own pants take a crack at them.
down. MARK, HOW ARE YOU
MW I even had some prop WITH ALL OF TED’S FUNNY
guy whipping my ass with LINES? CAN YOU KEEP A
an antenna. It’s kinda the STRAIGHT FACE?
same this time around, and MW I think I keep it straight
if anything the most most of the time.
difficult scene for me SM And if you
Morgan Free was the sperm bank. can’t, you’ll get
“ H e g o t a k imc a n :
DID THEY EVER TELL 10 lashes for
YOU EXACTLY WHAT laughing on set!
o u t o f Te d 2 ! k
THAT FLUID WAS?
MW They never told
” me! All they
said was
Ted 2 is in
cinemas 8 July
WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 7
a
There is t
n
restaura at
g th
in Beijin es in
spec ialis
cooked
serving enises
animal p
Massive
dickhead on
the loose!
Giant genitalia goes on the rampage in Norway,
becomes a national celebrity. Which is normal...
Don’t worry, this isn’t Blad newspaper,

another wacky football “The filming was
mascot coming to problematic, as
a stadia near you! passers-by wanted
It’s actually the star selfies with the giant
of a recent safe sex penis. Suddenly, lots
campaign in Norway. of people wanted to
These larger- touch the penis and take
than-life genitalia pictures with the penis.
have been running I almost felt harassed.”
around, sneaking Sounds like a tough
up on unsuspecting gig, although we’re not
Norwegians, shouting sure how much Philip
loudly and showering can complain. It is after
them in, er, golden all the only job in the
confetti. world – apart from
Philip van Eck, President of FIFA,
PICS: www.rfsu.com
the man inside the perhaps – where he

penis costume, told can get paid for bei
Norway’s Tønsbergs a massive knob.
a t c h t h e h i l a rious
W t o d a y . com!
video a t Z O O
I’m having
the strangest
dream
8 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
One will not be
making you a cup
of tea!
“BUCKINGHAM
PALACE? WE CAN
OUR BUILDER SAYS
“Who put this up?
The whole section
of this wall needs
tearing down. These
FIX IT FOR £100m !”

bricks, they’re 17th
Century blended
clay. They just aren’t
strong enough
to deal with the
rigours of London
these days.”
Reports say the Queen’s house is in urgent need of maintenance,

so we grabbed a local builder to give Ma’am a quick quote...
L
ast week, reports revealed
the Queen may have to
move out of Buckingham
OUR BUILDER SAYS
Palace, so the 17th Century royal “Asbestos, is it?
residence can undergo some Ooh, that’s an issue
maintenance work. because you’ve got
a lot of health and
It’s thought costs could be in the safety regulations
hundreds of millions. But, luckily on your hands now.
for Her Majesty, we know a bloke I’ve got a mate with
some specialist
who can offer her a great deal. equipment, but
We called our mate Gary you’re looking at an
the builder, from East London’s extra few weeks to
complete the build.”
Devine Building Contractors Ltd,
PICS: PA Photos
to get a no-cost call-out quote and

to find out what the essential
work might involve… O u r b u il d e r’ s
q u o te
OUR BUILDER SAYS
“What’s happened
here is, the builder
before opted for a
quick-fix, that’s why
you’ve got this ruddy
great hole in the
floor. Once you’ve
ripped it all up and
started again, it’ll
cost a pretty penny.”
WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 9
It might not take place in Rome’s Colosseum, but this historic Italian
football match is as close as you’ll get to modern day gladiators!
THE AREN
A!
10 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
MEN ON!
Swap shirts
after, yeah?
King
In 1574, France
I of
Henry II alcio Storico
lare d C
dec small to
was “too r, and
be a w a
l to
too crue e”
be a gam
Y
ou’d be forgiven for Easy, right? Wrong! Because
thinking this all-out players are allowed to use
brawl is from a new “any means necessary” in the
gladiatorial movie, or even 50-minute match-up to stop
the set of Game of Thrones. their opponents. That means
However, this is in fact the you can punch, kick, wrestle,
ancient sporting tradition gouge and throttle your rivals
of Calcio Storico (“historic in order to claim the victory.
football”), held in the Italian We’re not entirely sure
city of Florence. whether diving or rolling
The annual event sees two around clutching your face
teams made up of 27 players, after the slightest of brushes
N D H O U S E
ROU
PICS: Getty Images,PA Photos
attempting to reach their from your burley opposite

opponents’ end of the field with number will gain much
: P E R F E C T LY
KICKS AL!
the ball so they can score into sympathy from the ref, but at
a massive goal which spans the least Nigel De Jong would feel
width of the pitch. right at home in this arena…
LEG
WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 11
VOTE NOW, IT’S...
CHEERSRS?
FOLARST PTIMEEETO VOYTOEUR
Y – OR
FOR HOOLULRITE BABE!
FAV
It’s your last chance to vote in the w

most famous girl countdown!
H
eat: it’s a vastly celebrity babes crammed
underrated into one incredible issue.
commodity. But But it’s not too late to
while Britain struggles to vote! Be quick and you can
muster up something that still have your say on the
could possibly be mistaken final rankings. Just log on
for summer, ZOO has no to ZOOToday.com and tell
such problems – as the us who YOUR sexiest
countdown to the unveiling woman in the world is right
of 2015’s Hot 101 is ON! now. Who knows? It could
Like a packed commuter be the difference between
train where only the sexiest first, second or 101st place.
ladies get tickets, ZOO’s And each position counts!
annual babe countdown So get your votes in for
ON SALE !
NEXT WEEK
is shaping up to be hotter our 7 July issue, when the
than ever, with all your top 101 will be revealed. LAST YEAR!
THE ZOO
favourite covergirls and It’s going to be a scorcher!
THE VERY STRICT RULES OF VOTING

1. We are voting for sexy ladies here. (We would have thought
HOT 101
2015!
you’d have got that by now…)
2. You only get one vote! This is democracy in action, people.
3. A vote for “me”, “my missus” and “your mum” still won’t be
DON’T
counted. No matter how many times you lot have tried over the
years, this is still the case. Sorry!
MISS IT!
4. That is pretty much it. So what are you waiting for? Get on
and vote. It’s your last chance! So go! GO! LAST CHANCE! NOW!
LAST CHANCE TO VOTE! GO TO ZOOTODAY.COM!

ZOO PROMOTION
CHAPPIE
Forget Robocop! Here are 10 reasons

why District 9 director Neill Blomkamp’s
Chappie is the big screen’s best bot!
Sci-Fi smash Chappie, starring Hugh
Jackman and Sigourney Weaver,
follows a mechanised police force
patrolling South African soil. But the
real star of the show is police droid
Chappie, who is stolen and given new
programming which allows him to
think and feel for himself! 3. He can blowthingsup!
This is why we think he’s the Specifically, huge baddie bots like the
baddest movie robot ever… ED209 enforcer!
1. He swears like a trooper! 4. He’s smarterthanhumans!

Even if he gets it wrong sometimes, Chappie is able to talk, paint murals
(Chappie pronounces “motherf**ker” and write music. Not bad for a three- 8. He’s harder than Hugh
as “f**kmother”!), he’s taught some
hilarious curse words by a South
month old!
Jackman!
African gang, which he liberally
sprinkles throughout!
5. He’s absolutely hilarious! Without giving away too much,
Hugh Jackman is Chappie’s
No spoilers, but when Chappie attempts nemesis. Even Wolverine himself
2. He’s streetwise! to break into a car, his method of
distraction involves throwing a
can’t beat up a robot made out of
His mates teach him how to fist- titanium, right?
ridiculous rubber chicken at an innocent
lent surely
9. Even with one arm,he’s
still harder than Hugh
© 2015 COLUMBIA PICTURES INDUSTRIES, INC., LSC FILM CORPORATION AND MRC II DISTRIBUTION COMPANY LP. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
um, it’ll take Jackman...

ular to take …even if Hugh attempts to prove
otherwise!
10. He wears chainsbetter

maker teaches
mise”. That
than 50 Cent!
What other robot can carry off
et the next rocking three solid gold chains?
down! That’s what we thought…
CHAPPIE IS OUT -
BANNED
FROM
P C T
SFORNBAEING TOO RUDE!
Social media app Snapchat has once again
banned sexy selfie queen Chelsea Ferguson.
So ZOO has compiled an emergency collection
of her rudest shots to get you through...
A
s we’re sure you’ll why they’d want to ban
agree, life is filled her – the sexy singleton
with a number of once had 10 million
small, simple pleasures. Like views in 24 hours on the
when vending machines app. But they have, and
accidently give you double Chelsea isn’t too happy
what you asked for, or about it. “I was the
unexpectedly finding a £20 queen of Snapchat – my
note in your jeans pocket. boobs were the crown
But until now, nothing had jewels,” she complains.
bettered the feeling of finding “They should put me
out cheeky Chelsea Ferguson back on my throne!”
had uploaded something new We agree, Chelsea.
to Snapchat. However, that But in the meantime,
PICS: Unleashed Digital
was before the 25-year-old’s readers will have to

“chelsfergo” account was make do with this mini
banned for being too rude! collection of your best
We can’t seem to fathom bits…
“My boobs are

Snapchat’s
crown jewels”
14 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
The
e d i b l e
incr e a 44
Chels n!
63
Fe r g u s o
48
73
KEEP CALM
AND SEARCH
“ZOOTODAY”
ON SNAPCHAT
THE Email: Hayemaker@zootoday.com
David Haye is pulling no
going after someone with one. when Sir Alex Ferguson was
Funnily, Snoop Dogg’s son kicking boots at his son – there
Cordell plays for the same team, would have been all sorts
so they’ve got real rap royalty kicking off in there. I even
behind them. But if it is the case remember Chris Eubank’s
that P Diddy doesn’t like his son trainer, Ronnie Davies, slapping
getting shouted at, he should him in between rounds…
probably stay away from practice, Different coaches motivate
as that’s par for the course. their teams and players in
Imagine if David Beckham’s different ways, so you have
e dad was in the dressing room to leave them to it.
EMAIL YOUR QUESTIONS FOR DAVID TO HAYEMAKER@ZOOTODAY.COM

16 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
Murray mound open
for business
It’s Wimbledon time again and, like the rest of
the nation, I would love to see Andy Murray get
his old title back. Wimbledon belongs to a Brit,
especially one that loves his boxing.
I’ve had Andy in at the Hayemaker gym and
he’s decent on the pads. Shame the same can’t
be said about my tennis skills. I’d like to think
I could hang in there for half a rally but, the truth
is, I wouldn’t be able to hit one shot back to him.
IN NEED OF A
HAYEMAKER ASK
THIS WEEK…
CANADIAN
IMMIGRATION
you believe a British tourist was Winnipeg PD blue
One story I had to chuckle at was the two
ic ed out of Canada for helping his
other half decorate her flat? Immigration policemen in Winnipeg, Canada, doing a routine
officials found pictures of him helping flyover of the city in a patrol helicopter and
his Canadian girlfriend fill cracks in having an X-rated chat about blow jobs and all Who is your favourite
her walls and accused him of “doing sorts while the chopper’s PA system was on. sportsman of all time
a Canadian out of a job”. They literally turned the air blue! outside of the ring?
I suspect that’s not a problem those I’ve been caught out a couple of times on TV GARETH BLAKE, London
immigration officials worry about with shows, when you don’t realise the clip microphone People might argue
that level of jobsworth decision-making! is still on and the soundman is getting a full whether it’s a sport or
audio of some not-so-suitable broadcast not, but I was a big fan of
material, so I hope they don’t get in trouble. Arnold Schwarzenegger.
To go from dominating
professional
Nutcracker fish
I’m all for the preservation of animals, but
bodybuilding
and winning
Mr Olympia
PICS: Action Images, Offside, PA Photos, Photoshot
I’m not having this “Nutcracker” fish that seven times to

two fellas reeled in New Jersey recently. becoming the
Apparently it has human-like teeth and goes biggest action
after the testicles of swimmers and fishermen. star and the
Nothing good can come from that, and the Governor
fact it was having a stroll in a lake in New of California
Jersey as well – a long way away from its is quite
native Brazil – is rather worrying. some feat.
WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 17
MOTORS
Mercedes’ new GLE 63 AMG

is a ferocious beast that
lives to devour roads
V ital s tatis tics

EN G IN E 5.5-lit
re
POWER 549b biturbo V8
hp
0 -62 MPH 4.3 se
TO P SPEE D 15 conds
5mph
PR ICE £94,40
5
ZOO MAN
WITH TH
E GL E!
T
ry and tempt Mercedes-AMG’s Yet despite being brutally fast, stupidly more competent C63 AMG Estate for £30k
latest crossover into a staring loud and slightly scary to look at, the GLE less than this whopper’s £100k price tag.
contest and you will fail. The 63 AMG doesn’t make much sense as a car. But then, none of that matters; because
ridiculously pumped-up bodywork, gaping It can’t corner like its sportier siblings, it is massive and mental and noisy and
vents and sheer size is enough to put off thanks to its 2.5-tonne bulk, there’s not just about all things an enormous SUV
even the most ardent gawker. a lot of headroom in the back and it slurps shouldn’t be.
And then there’s the exhaust note. The fuel like it’s going out of fashion. It makes no sense whatsoever, but if
V8 biturbo pumps out a hullabaloo that In fact, if you want a speedy luxury you need something to scare the plop out
sounds like two giant foxes rutting in hell: wagon for transporting kids at breakneck of fellow school-run mums, this is definitely
nasty, ear-splitting and mightily addictive. speed, Mercedes will sell you the much the car for you.
18 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
MORE
MOTORING NEWS
MONSTE R ENGINE!
Yay, it’s the Renault Sandero RS!

Before you get too excited, we must mention this won’t
be coming to the UK. The spiced-up version of Dacia’s
budget hatchback was revealed in Argentina and looks
destined to tear up the roads of Latin America. Bring it
hear, we say. Rápido!
Morgan unveils three-pin plug-in

Morgan, purveyors of madcap nostalgic vehicles, has
just announced it will unleash an all-electric version
of its 3 Wheeler. Dubbed the 3EV, this lightweight
three-wheeled racer is powered by a 75kW motor,
so expect cheek-flapping performance.
Audi’s TT clubsport concept

signals fast future
Admittedly this is just a concept at present, but the
WORDS: Leon Poultney
thought of a 592bhp TT is rather exciting. The recently

unveiled clubsport packs a highly tuned 2.5-litre petrol
engine and a new “e-turbo” that uses battery power to
3 6 0 ° R E V E R S IN G pump up performance.
CAMERA! WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 19
Ė ē LETTERS!ŶēŶĖ ē LIKES!ŶēŶ Ė ē SPA
Become a ZOO legend by sending in your best pics and general madness!
Hot
girlfriend
S H O U T O F While sunning myself on our
holiday, my missus decided to
T H E W E E K ! hog my copy of ZOO. She loves

it and says it’s way better than
the book she was reading
(unfortunately for me).
L DOVER, via email
Ha, great news! We reckon
you should give your prize
– a 64GB iPad and a copy
of Revenge Of The Green
Dragons on DVD – to your
better half, too! Congrats!
CENSORED!
SEND YOUR MAD PICS

Shout of the week wins a 64GB
THIS
iPad and DVD copy of new crime
thriller Revenge Of The Green
Dragons, starring Ray Liotta
TO WIN PRIZES... WEEK’S

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MESSAGE US ON FACEBOOK OR CONTACT US ON THE DEETS BELOW
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18 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
M! ē Ė ē PRIZES! ē Ė ē FAILS & WINS! GERARD PIQUE
Barcelona
MY
MATE
Mix up! LOOKS
LIKE!
You wouldn’t want to get these
confused, would you?
DAN WESTWELL, via email
Sore paw You’d better get down to
ue
I burned my hand on lighter fluid. This is what first degree burns
look like, folks!
bloody Specsavers if you do, G e ra r d P i q
KURT PALMER, via email Dan! Sent in
by J Collins
Remember: smoking kills, Kurt.
CEN SO RED !
CEN SO RED ! CEN SOR ED!
CE NS OR ED !
CE NS OR ED !
Beach body ready?

I was going on a lads’ holiday,
so I needed motivation to keep
Hole-d on! away from the fridge…
TOM COLLINS
The aftermath of having a cyst removed isn’t the prettiest of sights! Windsor
CJ PILCHER, via email CAL M AC KAY, via email
Glad the doctors could a-cyst you though, CJ! That’d work for us, Cal!
Nips Of Steel
I’ve always thought my
local comic book shop was
a touch on the cold side, but
it must be absolutely freezing
if it affects the Man Of Steel Check out my
dog’s very own
like this… selfie!
GERRY, via email C CHAMBERLAIN,
Even superheroes have via email
to succumb to Mother We don’t usually
condone selfies,
Nature’s greater powers but this one we’ll
in the coldest of snaps, let slip through!
PICS: Offside
Gerry.
*Each week we select any number of photos/jokes from the entries we receive for publication in ZOO, and select one photo/joke as the “Shout/Joke Of The Week”, which will win that week’s prize.
The Competition is ongoing and your photo/joke may be selected for publication or as a prize-winning entry in any week during the Competition. Only winning submissions will receive a prize – no
other publication fee is payable. All prizes must be claimed within six weeks of publication (after which time prizes will be passed on to the runner-up). Entry is free, although your standard network
rate will apply for text entries. You should always get the permission of the person who pays the bills before entering. This is not a subscription service. For Your Shout/Jokes the prize will vary each
week during the competition. Full terms and conditions for all competitions featured in the magazine can be found on our website at www.zootoday.com/legal/agb.
WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 19
the British economy, A scientific
£150million study has
more than found
the Royal that most
Family kangaroos are
7,000
litres of
cream is used
to accompany
strawberries at
left-handed
£250,000
Price paid at auction
Wimbledon each year
Bank robbing
for a 192 1 Vauxhall 30/93
is among the least 1. Greenland sharks
can live for more
E-Type that was lef t
51,000 bottles of
champagne were
lucrative criminal
careers, making on
than 200 years abandoned in a garage
consumed at this average £12,900 a year 2. Roger Federer’s
headband at
because of an unpaid £ 7 bill
year’s Royal Ascot
Wimbledon
A printed version will this year
of Wikipedia will soon be sponsored
be available. It will be by Aldi
made up of 7,600 books 3. Godzilla
and cost £314,000 has Japanese
9,000
400 cows citizenship
normally wander
aimlessly onto
Worthy Farm
during the
Glastonbury Festival
Jamaica are the 16th Amount of words in
non-South American a guide published by Reddit
team to appear at
the Copa America
on giving away Game of
Donald Trump’s Thrones spoilers
Trump World Tower
is the tallest residential
building in the world
at 90 storeys high
Bees contribute 66
TRUE OR FALSE ANSWERS: 1 T 2 F 3 T
£651million to People w ho crammed

themselves ont o
a sur f boar d t o br eak
30% t he wor ld r ecor d

PICS: Offside
f or mos t people on
a single boar d
Arsenal are the only Premier O f i t ems lef t

League team to score five goals past in ho t els ar e
sex t oys
goalkeeper Petr Cech in a single match
22 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
ZOO HAS
SIGNED
FOR
MEN
UNITED.
WILL YOU?
Search Men United now
Men United v Prostate Cancer

We can win this
prostatecanceruk.org/football
3072
Prostate Cancer UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1005541) and in Scotland (SC039332). Registered company number 2653887.
RHYS JAMES
Political Footballers are
positions probably the only
My local
JOKER OF communist millionaires who regularly
THE WEEK! football team
are tactically travel by bus
all over the place.
Shaming platter They all want
Two men sit down in to be left wing.
a restaurant. A waitress ROBERT, via email
comes to their table
and takes their drink
order. When she returns
a few minutes later,
she finds them both
eating sandwiches out
GENIUS ONE-LINER
of paper bags.
“Hey!” she says. “You
One in 20 people
can’t eat your own food
here!” So they trade Picky winner have held a party
sandwiches. A woman came
NIGEL, Swindon home, screeching
her car into the
for their cat’s
Popping pills
My next door neighbour
driveway, and ran
into the house. She
birthday. Even
the cats thinking,
*Texts are free, but standard network charges apply. For full terms & conditions see page 19
suffers from kleptomania. slammed the door

His GP advised him to and shouted excitedly,
“keep taking the tablets”
– so he popped to PC
“Honey, pack your bags.
I’ve won the Lottery!” this is a bit
The husband said,
World to pick up a few!
MICHAEL, Pontefract “Oh, my God! What
should I pack, beach
tragic.
stuff or skiing stuff?”
“Doesn’t matter,” she
JIMMY
replied. “Just get out!”
JASON, New Barnet
CARR
G E T I N! EMAIL JOKES@ZOOTODAY.COM
TOUCH
TXT 07786202210* TWITTER @ZOO
FACEBOOK FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE
24 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
New
bawls
Why did the old
man hate living
next to the
Hilarious
Wimbledon
peeping
I like observational comedy
tennis courts? – secretly watching people
He couldn’t through my binoculars and
laughing at them.
stand all MOOSE ALLAIN
the racket. @MOOSEALLAIN
GRANT, via text
Airport
Spellchecked assault
To the man who
I had a really good joke,
pushed me out of the way
but autocorrect ruined of the baggage carousel
the lunchtime. at the airport: remember,
PATRICK, via email what goes around,
comes around.
TONY COWARDS
Snack pack @TONYCOWARDS
Did you hear about
the woman who got What
pregnant from a jar aJustmuppet
got a parking ticket
of Marmite?
outside the Children’s
She’s expecting Television Workshop.
Twiglets. Apparently, it’s Kermit
STEVE, via email holders only.
GARY DELANEY
MILTON JONES @GARYDELANEY
If a police dog is chasing you,
try not to go through a tunnel,
Can’t
Make out
My really hot friend then on to a little seesaw, then
find me
When are they going to
release the Where’s Wally?
from university told jump through a hoop of fire. prequel, where we find out
the backstory as to why
me she wanted to
take up modelling, so They’re trained for that he’s on the run?
JAMES MARTIN
I bought her a bag of @PUNDAMENTALISM
plasticine.
LEON, Kent
Tomb raider
Did you hear about
the mummy found Hard tusk
covered in nuts and Have you ever seen
chocolate? an elephant hiding in
They called it a tree?
Good hiders,
Pharaoh Rocher.
RICH, Norfolk CAPTION COMPETITION!
Tweet or text us your
aren’t they?
KYLE, via email
Joker Of The Week wins
an Xbox One and a ZOO
goodie bag!
wittiest caption to
get your name in
ILLUSTRATION: The Boy Fitz Hammond (tbfh.com)
the mag, using

#CAPTIONCOMP
WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 25
Essential ★★★★★ Excellent ★★★★✩
Good ★★★✩✩ Average ★★✩✩✩ Poor ★✩✩✩✩
Plug yourself into this week’s hottest entertainment, featuring the best films, games, music and DVDs
FILM
of the week!
It’s Mila Kunis’

contract demands
for the sequel…
Ted 2
If you’re a fan of all things him out of his hole.
puerile, and a teddy bear Mark Wahlberg reprises his
inseminating his (gorgeous) role of everyman John Bennett,
wife doesn’t sound even slightly and Seth MacFarlane brings
far-fetched, we’ve found your everyone’s favourite foul-
perfect summer flick. mouthed bear back to life once
In the sequel to the wildly more. While it isn’t a patch on
popular 2012 comedy, Ted is the Mila Kunis-led original, if
desperate to become a father, you can’t laugh at a drug-addled
but after being told he’s not teddy desperate to create a
actually a US citizen, he turns family with a supermodel, you
to young, stoner lawyer should take a long, hard look
(Amanda Seyfried) to help at yourself! ★★★★✩
26 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
FILM! DVD!
Slow West Hyena

Want something different to However, there the cuteness When it comes to films about with Albanian and Turkish
mutant dinos or talking bears? ends after he bumps into grim and gritty tales of the gangs controlling strip clubs.
Then give this Western a try. Michael Fassbender, who underworld and bent coppers, Highlighting the pressures
Lovelorn Scottish lad Jay kindly offers to accompany we Brits come into our own. of sticking to your morals when
(Kodi Smit-McPhee) decides to him. But why is he so keen to Hyena was one of our top you’re enveloped by corruption,
walk from Scotland to America help out? Cue incredible films of last year, with Peter plus a star turn from friend of
(no, really) to rekindle things shootouts and a finale to end Ferdinando’s extremely dodgy ZOO Stephen Graham, it’s one
with his childhood sweetheart. all finales. ★★★★✩ policeman getting in too deep not to miss. ★★★★✩
ZOO’S
HOT
FIVE Batman: Arkham Knight Splatoon
Bigger maps, more
gadgets and a killer
At last, a worthy
shoot-’em-up for
The Witcher 3:
Wild Hunt
An open-world that does
Kirby And The Rainbow
Paintbrush
A simplistic, side-
Carmageddon:
Reincarnation
The automotive slaughter
GAMES Batmobile. Simply the

best Bat game ever
devised. ★★★★★
Nintendo consoles
which will stand the
test of time. ★★★★✩
for videogames what
Game of Thrones does
for your TV. ★★★★✩
scrolling platform game
unlike any other you’ll
have played. ★★★✩✩
was risqué in 1997, but
wears thin quickly nearly
two decades on. ★★✩✩✩
Mr Vine Free, iOS

Don’t know your Merlots from your
This week’s must-have apps & downloads! Moscatos? Want something other
than “house white”? Mr Vine’s
extensive database will help.
Festvl £0.79, iOS Kamcord Free, iOS & Android Tiki Taka Soccer Free, iOS & Android Fallout Shelter
Off to a field or two this summer? YouTube rival Twitch has made live- A sensational cross between Free, iOS
Then you’ll want this on standby to streaming gameplay all the rage. Sensible Soccer and Football The team behind Fallout, Doom and
manage your band checklist and This might not be live, but it lets Manager. Trust us: you’ll be Skyrim create an absolute belter.
plan your schedule. you record mobile gaming sessions. amazed how addictive it gets! Goodbye, free time…
WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 27
COMEDY FURY
FEST LIVE Sky Movies
FRIDAY
3 JULY
Premiere
A battle-hardened
Army sergeant named
Don “Wardaddy”
Collier (Brad Pitt)
SATURDAY
4 JULY
9 PM leads a Sherman tank
and a five-man Allied
crew on a deadly
mission behind enemy
8 PM
BBC Three lines in Europe.
Seann Walsh hosts
an evening of mirth
from the Playhouse
in Edinburgh. He
is joined by Mark
Watson, Cardinal
Burns and Romesh
Ranganathan, as well
as rising comedy stars
and Fringe stalwarts
from the Edinburgh
Festival.
The definitive TV guide, picking the must-see shows, so you don’t have to!
THE LAST SHIP 47 RONIN

MONDAY
SUNDAY
5 JULY
6 JULY
6.50 PM
8 PM Sky Movies
Action and
Sky1 Adventure
Keanu Reeves’
The second season sword-swishing
of Michael Bay’s samurai struggles to
post-apocalyptic fit in. His lot becomes
drama returns as worse when the only
the crew of the man who held him
USS Nathan James in any regard is
continue their betrayed. Cue revenge
search for the cure and lots of violence.
to a global pandemic.
NOT SAFE
Channel 4 FOR WORK
No, this isn’t another
distasteful YouTube
clips show. It’s actually
a new workplace
TUESDAY
7 JULY
comedy, exploring
the friendships and
rivalries that arise 10 PM
when a group of civil
servants are relocated.
Disclaimer: we doubt
it will be as funny as
The Office, but then
what is?
28 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
3 JULY
FRIDAY
T20 BLAST CRICKET
LANCASHIRE VS
YORKSHIRE
6 PM
Sky Sports 2
It’s time for England
and Australia to once
THE ASHES Sky Sports 2
After Jos Buttler’s last ball heroics at
WEDNESDAY
again lock horns in the
First Test at Cardiff’s Headingley, the Vikings will look for
SWALEC Stadium in revenge against their hosts.
a bid to win (or retain)
the Ashes. The
Aussies might hold
8 JULY
the urn, but they
haven’t met the Barmy
Army in all of 18
months…
ALSO UNMISSABLE
In the season finale,
Cole searches for
10 AM 4 JULY
URDAY
15
answers following
devastating news 1 PM
from Alison in The No, YOU
Affair, 9pm, Sky
Atlantic.
let go… BBC One
Watch the latest action unfold on
the world famous Centre Court at
Wimbledon’s All England Tennis Club.
5 JULY
AMERICA’S SERIAL KILLER S DAY
Channel 4 B I I P
Between 2010
and 2011, police
discovered 11 bodies
THURSDAY
9 JULY
1 PM
on an isolated road BBC One
on Long Island. Four
of them were sex
10 PM Lewis Hamilton will try and put
the brakes on Mercedes rival Nico
workers who had Rosberg’s title charge in his home GP.
advertised themselves
online. The people
behind Dogging Tales
examine the eerie and
unsolved story.
5 JULY
SUNDAY
WOMEN’S WORLD
PICS: Offside, Action Images, PAP hotos
CUP FINA
12 AM
BBC Three
Neither team has been decided yet,
but quality goals, sweat and tears are
guaranteed in Vancouver.
WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 29
LISSY!
ROSIE!
Anyone for
30 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE
G
ame, set, match…
and boobs. It’s
that time of year
again, when we take
over an unsuspecting
tennis court for a spot
of naughty tennis!
After Andy Murray
crashed out in last year’s
Quarter-Finals, we’ve
decided it’s time to up
our own game, so we’re
rolling out ace doubles
team Rosie Jones and
Lissy Cunningham onto
Centre Court to lead the
charge for another British
Wimbledon win.
If this doesn’t get you
excited for the tennis, we
don’t know what will. So
grab your champagne
and strawberries, and get
ready for Rosie and Lissy.
tennis? WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 31
“The girls groan
on purpose to
get the men to
like them more”
Ro si e!
HI, GIRLS. HOW HAVE
YOU ENJOYED A VERY
SEXY GAME OF
DOUBLES?
ROSIE I’m terrible at
tennis, but the outfits
are definitely very
hot! There’s no way
we’d be as sexy if you
made us wear football
kits.
LISSY It’s been loads
of fun! Having all the
props to use has made
the experience way sexier
and flirty.
WE AGREE. HOW SEXY
IS TENNIS?
R The girls always have
their bums hanging out
wearing those really
skimpy skirts… if that’s
not sexy,
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WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 33
“Strawberries
and cream? In the
bedroom? It’s not
as sexy as it seems!”
Li ss y!
I don’t know what is!
L And then there’s Anna
Kournikova – she’s
incredible! Who wouldn’t
love to see her with her
bum cheeks on show as
she waits for the serve?
She’s probably the No1
reason tennis is sexy.
HOW ABOUT THE
GROANING?
L What, the sex noises?
R Yeah! I think girls do it
on purpose to get the men
to like them more,
because they sound like
they’re up to something
much ruder!
L Maybe it really does
make you hit the ball
harder? We’ll report
back later!
HOW WILL YOU BE
COOLING DOWN
AFTER TODAY’S
ON-COURT ACTION?
L Squirting water all over
our bodies! We could
always run naked through
the sprinklers, but that
might give someone a
heart attack!
R If we won the
Wimbledon prize money,
I’d have a big swimming
pool to dive into naked.
That’s the way to cool
down if you’re rich!
L Plus, it gets your nipples
nice and perky!
ARE YOU BOTH FANS
OF STRAWBERRIES
AND CREAM?
L I’ve used them in the
bedroom before…
R Ooh! Whipped cream
on your boobs?
L Yeah. I spent days
trying to get it out of
the sheets. So it’s not as
sexy as it seems! But yeah,
it’s very sensual food, as
long as you’ve got
champagne.
“I’m terrible at tennis –
but girls’ bums hanging
out of skimpy skirts?
Very hot!”
Ro si e!
“We’ve got to
support Andy
Murray – I’ll be
cheering him on!”
Ro si e!
SO WHO WILL YOU
BE CHEERING ON
THIS YEAR?
L I’ll be making sure I’ve
got my bum on the sofa
watching the action. My
favourites are Rafael
Nadal and Roger Federer.
R Come on, Lissy! We’ve
got to support Andy
Murray. I’ll be cheering
him on while drinking lots
of Pimm’s and
champagne. COME
ON, ANDY!
IF WE WERE TO HOST
THE WIM-BOOB-DON
CHAMPIONSHIPS,
WHO WOULD WIN?
R Joey Fisher, without
a doubt. She’d jump in the
air and whack the ball
with her huge boobs! Or
maybe Kelly Hall,
because she’s really
aggressive.
“Anna Kournikova is
the No1 reason
tennis is sexy!”
Li ss y!
L I can’t argue with that.
We’d all make a really
good sports team, we’re
all really competitive. I’m
just not sure Wim-boob-
don would be allowed to
air on television, though.
OH, SHAME! WHY
NOT?
L We’d all end up
stripping and showing
off our bums across the
net!
R If we get the ZOO
readers to start a
campaign, perhaps then
Wim-boob-don would
become more acceptable.
“We’d compete
in Wim–boob-don...
and end up stripping
across the net!”
Li ss y!
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TENNISBABES
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The hottest
hitters served up!
Ana Ivanovic
Rosie says “She looks
absolutely ace in a pair of
short shorts, so you won’t
find me complainin
about any broken
dress codes!”
Andrea Hlavackova
Lissy says “Her surname may be
a bit of a mouthful, but her form is
sheer perfection.”
Kristina
Mladenovic Elina Svitolina
Lissy says “Roland Rosie says “She
Garros is not the only definitely takes her
French Grand Slam fitness seriously. I’ve seen
on the tennis circui some great snaps of
Kristina is ooh her training on
la, la!” the beach!”
Victoria Azarenka
Rosie says “This Belarusian babe
is absolute perfection on and off of the
court. Ace!”
Sabine Lisicki
Lissy says “She’s got the
fastest serve on the
women’s tour. Wha
a smashing girl!”
Maria Sharapova
Rosie says “She’s got the
best bum in tennis. Let’s
hope we get to see
it right the way
through to
the final!”
PICS: Action Images, PA Photos, Rex Features, Getty Images
Caroline
Camila Giorgi Wozniacki Laura Robson
Lissy says “If this Italian
stunner doesn’t make it Rosie says “Wow – she Lissy says “I’m so happy
to the final, we’ll all may be a great player, Laura isn’t injured this
be absolutely but she could also year, so we’ll get to
devastated!” be a great model see those lovely
with her looks!” legs on show.”
INSIDE MEXICO’S
The Mexican cocaine war is

heading out of control...
M
exico is at war. In a country where
the illegal trade for cocaine is
more lucrative for its billionaire
crimelords than the nation’s oil industry,
the world’s desire for illicit substances has
led to large, highly organised criminal
gangs controlling huge swathes of territory.
In the state of Jalisco – the birthplace
of tequila – the New Generation cartel is
earning a reputation as Mexico’s deadliest
traffickers. Having recently gunned an
Army chopper out of the sky with rocket- caught in the bloody crossfire. The public
propelled grenades, they are taking drug has lost faith in the authorities, leaving New Generation’s formation
warfare to unparalleled levels. New Generation to champion themselves The cartel traces its roots back to the death
As the battle rages between druglords as the “Robin Hood” of cartels. of Ignacio Coronel Villarreal, the leader of
and Mexican Government, as many as Their bloody rise to become the the then most notorious drug-trafficking
100,000 people have been killed since deadliest cartel has been charted in cartel, the Sinaloa. Based in Jalisco and
2009, including police officers, soldiers Roberto Saviano’s new book, Zero Zero under the control of Coronel Villarreal,
and politicians – with law-abiding citizens Zero. Here is their story… the Sinaloa became the country’s most
EL M EN C H O :
M O S T WA N T ED
NE W GE NE RATIO N
ME MB ER S PA RA DE D
BY TH E AR MY
After the formation of New Generation, used an RPG to destroy a military vehicle.
El Mencho gained a reputation as a shrewd In separate acts of retaliation, a convoy
businessman. But alongside his head for of highly trained anti-cartel police officers
business, he also has a ruthless streak, was ambushed, leaving 15 dead and five
ordering the execution of several wounded. Roadblocks and checkpoints
powerful organisation, controlling the politicians, including Jesus Gallegos were targeted in grenade attacks which
majority of Pacific Coast trafficking routes Alvarez, Jalisco’s Tourism Secretary, who took another 15 lives in one of the worst
and shipping tonnes of cocaine. was suspected of working with rival cartel, days of violence in the country’s history.
Villarreal was shot dead in 2010 during the Knights Templar.
a raid involving 100 soldiers supported by
attack helicopters and armoured vehicles.
Members of the Milenio Cartel, a branch
Protecting Guadalajara
With people losing faith in the authorities
of the Sinaloa, suspected his own members and growing angry with cartels operating
had betrayed him. So, under the guidance in Guadalajara – Jalisco’s capital – New
of ex-Milenio member, Nemesio Oseguera Generation announced their intention to
Ramos, New Generation was born. free the city from corrupt government
officials in press conferences held by
El Mencho masked leaders and posted to YouTube.
Oseguera Ramos – aka El Mencho – They’ve constantly sought public
is considered the most dangerous man approval, and vowed not to hurt ordinary
in Mexico. He started as a small-time citizens in their bid to control their turf.
trafficker in the 1990’s and was sentenced They’ve hung banners issuing apologies
for their actions, and made it clear they’ll
defend the public from fellow cartels,
The Zetas and Knights Templar, in the
hope they’ll face little public resistance. Warriors anonymous
The Zetas remain their biggest rivals, with
a splinter group – El Mata Zetas (“Kill
All-out war Zetas”) – dedicated to wiping them out. In
The Mexican Government, however, has
September 2011, 35 bodies were found in
made New Generation its No1 target.
the financial district of Veracruz, all Zetas.
They’ve pumped billions into tracking El
A Mata Zeta member said, “Our only
Mencho, and the battle intensified when
objective is to put an end to Los Zetas.
an attack helicopter was shot out of the sky
We are anonymous, faceless warriors,
in May. Six soldiers were killed in what was
but proud to be Mexican.”
to three years in prison in the USA for the first time a cartel flexed its muscles and
This war is only
distributing heroin in 1994. just beginning.
Upon his release, he returned to Mexico,
PICS: PA Photos, Reuters, Getty Images
where he served as a police officer in

Jalisco. In time, he would leave the force to
join the Milenio Cartel. After earning his Zero Zero Zero
stripes in the group’s network of assassins
WORDS: Joe Barnes
by Roberto Saviano
who protected the top bosses, he soon is released in July
positioned himself with the biggest players. through Allen Lane
ELLIS
S to p th e c lo c k s !
G re e n w ic h -b o rn gT h e R o y a l B o ro u g h O f
A
th e p u b , n a u g h ty o d d e s s ta lk s p in ts d o w n
h o w s h e w o u ld ri a n ti c s a t fe s ti v a ls , a n d
s k a b a n fr o m T in
d e r!
“I’M BAS IC AL LY
ONE OF T H E BO YS!”
NEW TO ZOO! S
he’s already taken over
the wondrous wild world
of Page 3, and now
we’ve made Ellis Attard’s
ATTARD
dreams of a jaw-dropping,
incredibly booby ZOO debut
a raunchy reality.
Cockney and curvaceous,
the South East Londoner,
with 30Fs and a mesmerising
body, is much happier out of her
clothes. And it’s not often you
find a lover of gangster films and
beer, who claims she can woo
men with a five-second gaze!
There’s no better time to
make the introductions. Take
it away, Ellis…
VITAL
STATISTICS
AGE 20
HOMETOWN Greenwich
BRA SIZE 30F
HEIGHT
5ft 6in
FAVOURITE DRINK
Any fruity cocktail
FAVOURITE FILM
Pearl Harbor
FAVOURITE TV SHOW
Martina Cole’s The Take
DREAM DATE
Tom Hardy and
Jack O’Connell
HIDDEN TALENT
Downing a pint!
HI, ELLIS! WHAT DOES IT

FEEL LIKE TO BE ON YOUR
FIRST-EVER ZOO SHOOT?
I’m very excited. I’ve always
wanted to shoot for ZOO!
I’ve been modelling for a few
months now and I’ve only
done Page 3, so this is my
biggest job yet!
IF ONE OF YOUR CLOSE
MATES WERE TO DESCRIBE
YOU, THEY’D SAY...
I’m crazy. And fun. That’s about
it. I just have a crazy, funny
e
“ A n y w h eera r
I can w stead
b i k i n i s ti nh e s i s
of clo ner!”
a win
personality – what more do
you need?
WHAT DO GUYS TEND
TO ADMIRE ABOUT YOUR
CRAZY WAYS THEN?
They like that I’m one of them.
I’m basically one of the boys.
Normally, my male mates
end up fancying me because
of it. I thought they’d find it
off-putting, but that’s not the
case. My most laddish trait
has to be drinking beer. I can
down a pint, too – I’m pretty
good at that actually!
DO YOU HAVE ANY
OUT OF THE ORDINARY
PARTY TRICKS, OR
CROWD-GRABBERS?
I literally use my boobs for
everything! I don’t think I have
many talents, so I rely on them.
I don’t buy my drinks, I just
show the boys a little bit and
I’m alright. I don’t need to offer.
WHAT ABOUT HAVING
A FEW SEDUCTIVE TRICKS
UP YOUR SLEEVES?
I wouldn’t ever go over to
a guy and speak to him. I’ll pick
a man out, stand there, give
him the lingering five-second
look and hope he comes over.
If he doesn’t, I’ll move on.
Then I’ll give another guy
the five-second look… ha!
HOW WOULD YOU LIVEN
UP OR SEX-UP AN ONLINE
DATING PROFILE?
I don’t know. Everyone usually
goes on Tinder for banter, don’t
they? So I’d probably upload
a boob pic for a laugh. I might
get banned for doing it, but
I think I’d just risk it!
DO YOU GET A CONFIDENCE
BOOST OR A BUZZ FROM
POSING NAKED?
Yes, of course! It doesn’t bother
me. I’d happily walk around
the house undressed all the
time. I like my thongs and
G-strings – no big knickers,
ever. That’s why I’m looking
forward to summer, as the
best part is not having to cover
yourself up. I prefer a beach
holiday over travelling, any day.
Anywhere I can wear bikinis
instead of clothes is a winner!
HOW ARE YOU SPENDING
YOUR SUMMER THEN?
“I’M M O R E
RE V E A L IN G AT
F E S T I V A L S!”
ARE YOU HEADING OFF
ON HOLIDAY?
I’m going on a few trips, but
I’ve lined up a lot of festivals.
I went to Glastonbury last
weekend – I love it there. I’m
a regular festival-goer. I love
rock music, but I also like
house. I’m usually there
drinking, partying, getting
drunk… who knows what s**t
I get up to? I’m naughtier at
festivals. I’m more revealing.
I jump on people’s shoulders
– I’ll definitely be doing that!
TALKING ABOUT TRIPS
AWAY, ANY FUNNY
STORIES TO SHARE?
Once, when I was on holiday,
I drank too much, passed out
on the floor and my brother
had to drag me by my legs.
It was awkward, as I was
wearing one of those tops
where you don’t wear a bra
underneath. When he dragged
me, my top went up – it was my
own brother! Oh my God, it was
really awkward for two years!
My friends kept reminding me
about it, saying, “You do know
your brother saw your boobs?”
It was very embarrassing.
Gerald
Samson Lisa
Simpson
=
+ P A R T IC K
T H IS T LE
K IN G S L E Y
Ed Bi ll
S P O RTS
Sh ee ra n Cl int on
+ =
WYC O M B E
BODGER
Banan
as C ry s t a l
In P yj a m a s
m et h
÷ =
WATFORD
54 WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOO HAR RY THE HOR NET
Mega Kryten
tron B&Q
=
÷ x WEST HAM
EAD
HAMMERH
D in os a u r s K e r m it To ny Pu lis
t h e F r og
+ + =
ARSENAL
GUNN ERSA URUS
G a lla g h e r
b r ot h e r s 19 7 0 ’s
A lie n s 3 D v ie w e r
x + =
MANCHESTER CITY
MO ON CH ES TE R
& MO ON BE AM
Sir Ale x A few bot A few mor
t le s e
Ferg uson of re d bo tt les of re d
+ + =
UNITED
ESTER
MANCH RED
HE
FRED T
An Ang ry Br end an
Bird Ro dge rs New vene ers
PICS: Splash, Alamy, Rex Features, Action Images,
+ x =
Offside, Getty Images
LIVERPOOL
MI GH TY RE D
WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOO 55
“Andy Murray is
peaki g at the
mbledon champion-turned-pundit Andy Murray
d Krajicek runs through the contenders “For me, Andy is still the favourite. He played a fantastic clay court
season and is just peaking at the right time. He went from winning
Centre Court glory at SW19 his first-ever clay court title at the Munich Open, to defeating the king
of clay – Rafael Nadal – in Madrid. Add to that he secured his fourth
Queen’s Club title back on grass, and he comes into this tournament
Richard Krajicek will feature on Radio 5 Live’s commentary team at oozing confidence. He’s still the man to beat.”
his year’s Wimbledon Championships. Wimbledon 2015 is exclusively KRAJICEK’S TIP: CHAMPION
ve on the BBC across TV, radio and online from Monday 29 June
Roger Federer Novak Djokovic

“Roger is still the best grass court player around, but he falls just short “Losing in the final of the French Open was a big disappointment for
physically against the younger, tougher guys: the likes of Murray, Nadal Novak, so all eyes will be on how he starts here. He wanted to complete
and Djokovic would take so much energy out of him in a five-set match. his Career Slam with the French Open so much, losing it could affect
If he can keep his games short in the run-up, by the time he gets to the his Wimbledon defence. It’s possible he’ll be able to shake it off and
final and faces someone like Murray or Djokovic, he has a chance.” play like a machine – or his confidence might be shaken.”
KRAJICEK’S TIP: RUNNER UP KRAJICEK’S TIP: SEMI-FINAL
56 WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOO
MONDAY 29 JUNE
GRAND SLAM TENNIS
– SUNDAY 12 JULY
Wimbledon
1.45pm, BBC One
Rafael Nadal Grigor Dimitrov

“Wimbledon has come a bit too soon for Rafa. His comeback is going “Grigor has been struggling with his form since the Australian Open. He’s
well and he’s been practising very hard, so he’s due a reward. On grass had a few wins, but not what you’d expect after the year he was coming off
he’ll struggle against some of the big hitters lower down the order, like in 2014. He was so close against Djokovic in the semis last year, so coming
South African Kevin Anderson. He’s on his way to being a force to be back to grass and the good memories of his Queen’s victory – where he
reckoned with again, but I think we’ll see more of that at the US Open first made the transition from the guy with potential to the guy who
where he’ll be a real contender.” actually threatened to do something – will spur him on.”
KRAJICEK’S TIP: SEMI-FINALS KRAJICEK’S TIP: QUARTER-FINALS
Nobody can stop Serena!

PICS: Offside, Getty Images, Action Images
Stanislas Wawrinka
“Wawrinka shocked the world with his win in the French Open, but Serena Williams
grass is a different ball game. He stands too far behind the baseline: “The women’s title comes down to who can stop Serena Williams. And you have
good grass court players use the surface to dink it short, take the pace to say it’s nigh-on impossible. She picked up her 20th Grand Slam at the French
off the ball and hit big serves out wide or into the body. There are more Open, and to think clay’s not her favourite surface and she wasn’t feeling too
shots to contend with than on clay, which slows the ball down a lot.” good physically, it’s tough to imagine anybody stopping her at Wimbledon.
KRAJICEK’S TIP: QUARTER-FINALS She’s just too strong for the rest of the field.”
KRAJICEK’S TIP: CHAMPION
How to win
the British SILVERSTONE
LENGTH 5.891km
(3.66 miles)
Grand Prix!
TURNS 18
LAPS 52
LAP RECORD
1.33.401
(Mark Webber,
Red Bull, 2013)
High-speed corners, hot tyres and crazy fans:

F1’s top drivers reveal exactly what makes
Silverstone’s twists and turns so special
Jenson Button
Copse is the most
exciting corner
in the world! Lewis Hamilton
“I love the layout of
Silverstone, because it’s fast
Aerodynamics and
and flowing. There are many
things that a driver needs to be
rhythm are key!
“Silverstone is an amazing
good at to win here, but he also place to drive. When I’m in the
needs to be driving a good car. car, I can actually see the fans
Copse is one of the most around the circuit waving
exciting corners in the world. banners and cheering. It’s as
You have a completely blind if they were racing every lap
apex, yet you’re turning in at with me – it’s incredible! You
speeds approaching 180mph. must be fast and fearless to
It’s important as it can all go win here. Car aerodynamics
very wrong – or it can all go and driver rhythm are key to
very right: you have to be mastering the four straights
very precise with your line. and 18 turns, while overtaking
If you screw up, you’ve got to is difficult and the atmosphere
PICS: PA Photos
take that with you for the rest is like being at a football match
of the lap, and that equates at Wembley.”
to a lot of lost time.”
“The crowd is ZOO takes on
like a match at Silverstone!
Wembley!”
Felipe Massa David Coulthard

Your tyres Becketts is a
are on fire! 160mph corner!
“The British fans are really “Silverstone is a super high-
in love with Formula One – speed challenge. You take a
they’re crazy for it and
Williams, so it’s great racing
breath and you just hang on: ZOO’s fastest lap 2.23.778
it’s probably one of the highest
there with that support. The speed challenges you have Lewis Hamilton’s fastest lap
final part of the track starts
with a very slow corner in Vale,
over the year. For Grand Prix in 2014 British GP 1.37.176
drivers, if Monaco is the
and the tyres are always hot ultimate challenge in not Rather than let the F1 go fast, so the next struggle
at this point because of the drivers have all the fun, is staying on the track,
making a mistake and hitting ZOO decided to find out particularly at Vale. This
high-speed corners, so it’s very a barrier – all done at relatively how fast Silverstone is. So is more a right angle than
easy to lock up both the front low speed – Silverstone is we headed to Lets Race in corner and sneaks up on
and rear tyres. You need to use Surrey for a spin on the UK’s you quicker than you can
where you have to hang on in only full motion race scream, “F**k!” – as we
all the kerbs to prepare the exit, lots of apexes at anything from simulator not under lock career into a crash wall.
because you have very difficult 120mph to 150mph. It starts and key at one of the A couple of laps later,
traction on the last two UK-based constructors. we’re cruising Copse and
to get a bit teary at those Helping develop the likes flying through Maggots
corners. The rear is always speeds. Copse might get your of ex-Marussia F1 driver Max and Becketts at a little more
a bit light here, so you need to attention, but you’re flat out Chilton, the simulator can than a snail’s pace. Having
prepare your exit otherwise replicate everything except almost doubled Lewis
into the first part of Becketts baying crowds willing on Hamilton’s fastest lap from
you lose traction.” at around 160mph!” another Brit contender. 2014, we won’t be troubling
And just as well: our first the timekeepers anytime
few laps would have bored soon…
prospective petrolheads to
death. With a pace akin Lets Race is the UK’s
to Driving Miss Daisy in
SUNDAY FORMULA ONE a Ford Fiesta, we jump
only full motion F1
simulator centre open
5 JULY British Grand Prix through the gears without
maxing revs or getting up to to the public. For more
BBC One, 12.15pm top speed on the straights.
The aim of the game is to
information, visit
letsrace.co.uk
?
Can you name the

Which two golf Majors 8 former Premier
1 does Jordan Spieth
have to win to
League star now
working the bag?
Which league will
complete the Grand Slam?
Before Petr Cech, 9 fallen Italian giants
2 who was the last
player to move from
Parma be playing
in next season?
A Serie B B Serie C C Serie D
Chelsea to Arsenal on a Whic We’re
permanent transfer? 4 curr
England
ing to
do the 10
Which Portuguese
club has just revealed
this brown and blue
player has battle for Las Vegas.
number as their new away kit?
legendary We live on the same
all-rounder street, right down
Andrew the street from
Flintoff claimed Floyd – about a mile
is “more skilful” and a half.” Who is
than he was? this quote touting as
Name the a possible opponent
5 Mexican
side who
for Mayweather Jr’s
49th fight?
Which MMA legend have just signed How many
3 did Kimbo Slice
knock out on his
France striker
Andre-Pierre Gignac
7 F1 Grands
Prix has Nico
return to the cage? from Marseille? Rosberg won this year?
FA N Z O N E ! THE BEST
BANTER FROM
THE BACK OF
THE STANDS
Argentina in the Copa

HOLIDAY
WATCH
TRANSFER
£15m
Chelsea need
CHARLIE
AUSTIN
QPR to Chelsea,
WATCH
Bendtner for America to grab a selfie English players

Prime Minister with the world’s best
player, Lionel Messi.
and a top-level
striker to warm
Arsenal legend turned Long gone are the days the bench. Enter
Wolfsburg star Nicklas when footballers used Charlie Austin…
Bendtner took his to swap shirts after
self-appreciation to new a hard day’s graft.
Midfield enforcer
levels when he threw his Alex Song raises PAULINHO
hat into the ring for the
No1 job in Denmark, Prime his intimidation Spurs to
Booby predictor Minister. True to form, the tactics on his Watford, loan
A Venezuelan TV presenter striker missed out after summer break Keen to build up
got five out of eight results posting his entry on social Premier League
in the Copa America right media on Election Day. by riding around
experience, the
by sticking flags on her on an £18k trike Hornets are in
PICS: Action Images, Offside
boobs and wiggling them

until one fell off. The flag World’s best selfie while dressed talks with Spurs
about Brazilian
which bailed depicted the Jamaican forward in a bizarre
Deshorn Brown took flop Paulinho.
losing team. Who needs Predator mask.
Neville and Carragher? the opportunity of facing
ANSWERS: 1 The Open & the PGA Championship 2 Lassana Diarra in 2007 3 Ken Shamrock 4 Ben Stokes
5 UANLTigres 6 Shawn Porter 7 Three (Spain, Monaco, Austria) 8 Curtis Woodhouse 9 C – Serie D 10 FC Porto
BIT.LY/ FACEBOOK.COM/
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#ZOOTwitties hashtag! of amazing ZOO girls!
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WALLPAPERS
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uploading it to your device. You’ll be the envy of everyone on the train/bus/boat/space station...
HOW TO
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Swipe to select
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THE RUDE TENNIS ISSUE!

STARRING! ROSIE JONES & LISSY CUNNINGHAM

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