The Sassy Grandma Squad

ACT I

(It was a warm summer’s day, and Janice was wading around the shallow side of the pool.
Rupert walks by, grumpily mumbling to himself as Janice invites him over with a wave. He
chooses to ignore her, walking away toward the shuffleboard court.)

Janice: Rupert! Rupert, come here! I want to tell you something!

(Rupert looks back with a stretch, clearly agitated.)

Rupert: *sighs* What is it, Janice?

(Janice giggles as Rupert walks toward her, with Rupert being annoyed as he couldn’t play
shuffleboard if he were talking to her.)

Janice: Wellllll, I just had the greatest idea! What if- and bear with me here, we go to-

Rupert: No.

Janice: W-what?

Rupert: No. I don't ever leave here. Ever. Unless someone is in danger, then I won’t leave.

Janice: Oh. Ohhhhh. Alright. So be it. See you, Rupie!

Rupert: Don’t call me that.

(Rupert exits as Janice comes up with a master plan: to be in danger. It was a terrible idea but
she was too obsessed to realise this.)

(The next day, Rupert walks into the shuffleboard court to see a ketchup-covered Janice on the
ground in front of a Little Tikes Cozy Coupe © )

Rupert: Janice, what the heck are you doing?

Janice: makes deceased noises

Rupert: …

Janice: mutters loud enough so Rupert can hear Rupert….s-save…meeeee….

Rupert: Ew, a dead person! Get away! grabs a broom and starts to hit her with it

Janice: AH! Don’t you know never to hit an elderly woman?! Honestly.

Rupert: I thought you were dead…?

Janice: Rupert…your love saved me…

Rupert: My love for meatloaf mondays?

Janice: scoffs The audacity! It’s OUR love, Rupert!

Rupert: …I’m sorry, who are you again?

Janice: starts sobbing very fakely

Rupert: Oh, dagnabbit! Today’s meatloaf monday! Bee-arh-bee, as the youngins say nowadays.

Janice: sniffles but i can’t even understand… sniffle…modern-day slang! continues sobbing
overdramatically

Rupert: Call me never! evil laugh

(Rupert helps with getting Janice off of the ground before swiftly exiting. You can now see
Janice sadly wiping ketchup off of her and returning the stolen Cozy Coupe © )

ACT I SCENE II

(Jane is on a chair in the knitting room, with Monica looking after her. Jane starts to doze off.)

Monica: Uhm, Jane-? Miss Jane-?? Wake up. WAKE UP!!!

Jane: snort HUH?

Monica: Your four o’clock yoghurt, miss.

Jane: Ooh, what kind?

Monica: Raspberry, your favourite.

Jane: Wow, very impressive Monica. You remembered! Very special work for a novice
caretaker.

Monica: visibly touched Awh, thank you so much Miss Jane!

Jane: But…

Monica: visibly nervous Y-yes…miss…?

Jane: You forgot the spoon.

Monica: OH NO?!

Jane: Oh well, guess I'll just starve…all alone…and old…

Monica: Fear not, madam! For I will retrieve the spoon and restore you to your former glory!

Jane: Get ‘em! But watch out for Patricia…

Monica: Hm?

Jane: Oh, nothing dearie! Now go get my yoghurt. Now.

Monica: R-right! Of course, right away Miss Jane.

(Monica exits, moving over to the food court where she spots Patricia, the mean girl of the
senior centre.)

Patricia: What are you doing?

Monica: Just getting a client some yoghurt is all miss-

Patricia: NO!! THE YOGHURT IS MINE!!!!!!!!

Monica: Uhh-

Patricia: MINE!!

(Patricia then grabs 2 yoghurts and squeezes them into her mouth, eating them all.)

Patricia: still eating the yoghurt Mmm…Yummy yoghurt…

Monica: …

(Janice barges in, saving the yoghurts)

Janice: Those yoghurts are MINE. HAH!

Monica: Oh come on, Janice. You’re supposed to be on Jane’s side.
(Janice starts doing the macarena, running away with the yoghurt.)

(Jane enters, looking at Janice with a look of betrayal on her face.)

Jane: Janice…how could you…? You know how much my 4 o’clock yoghurts mean to me…

Janice: I’m sorry…Jane…I’m your sister…

Jane: gasps Janice…? What the heck are you talking about?

Janice: Sorry, I couldn't resist. Saw it somewhere on the TV or somewhere.

Jane: Oh.

(Janice runs away with the yoghurts, with a sad Jane now sitting down on the floor and Patricia
chasing after her)

Monica: Oh dear- Miss Jane, are you alright?

Jane: No… I’m sad now.

Monica: Oh no! What can I do to help?

Jane: Yoghurt…Yoghurt…

Monica: Right away miss.

(With that, Monica runs off to catch the Yoghurt thief.)

Monica: Come back here, Miss Janice!

Janice: Mine! My yoghurt, mine all mine!

Monica: Don’t change the centre’s leader’s quote!

Janice: You should move to a brand new Centre!

Monica: That’s. Not. The. QUOTE!!

(Monica then tackles Janice to the ground, retrieving the yoghurts.)

Janice: This wasn’t…the deal…

Monica: Oh come on-
Janice: The deal I'm making with you is…a whole yoghurt, all for me…

Monica: Just one…?

Janice: Yes…I’ll take anything you wanna give me…aka as many as you’ll allow…

Monica: Deal.

(They walk back together, and Monica hands Jane her yoghurts, one yoghurt short.)

Janice: Jane…? I’m sorry…I was just really hangry…

Jane: It’s alright…hug?

Janice: Of course.

(They hug each other, their warm embrace warming their hearts. This would be a day they could
look back on, laugh about, cry about [for the yoghurt], fight about…but that's for the future. For
now, they can just continue their crazy antics.)

(End of ACT I SCENE II)

(End of ACT I)