Cast

Bonzo- a cheery, dramatic clown and the leader of the pack. Has a secret fear of balloons and
aging.

Ruffles- a short and stout little clown who loves elephants. He owns and takes care of all the
elephants in the circus.

Bubbles- the protector of the gang. As a fierce biker clown with a chiseled build, she is often in
trouble with the law based on her appearance.

Patch- a pirate clown with an eye patch on his left eye. Likes pingpong for some reason.

Freckles- Bubbles’ brother. Practically identical, save the freckles that are dappled on Freckles’
face.

Mr. Crawford- The clowns’ middle aged production manager who has a combination of accents
that is said to have come from him traveling the world as a spy. (this never really happened, as
far as they know. wink.)

Susan- Ruffles’ agent and makeup artist. Is in college studying the art of screen makeup.

Geoffrey- Bubbles’ makeup artist and Susan’s brother. A volunteer who is actually studying to
become a clown.

Lester- The janitor and sometimes does Patch’s makeup (he’s surprisingly good at it). Gets
compliments on his name a lot.

Katie- A sweet old lady from the senior center who volunteers to get away from her husband
Boris. Does a horrible job of applying makeup to Freckles’ face, but no one dares admit it, due
to her politeness.

Steve- Bonzo’s makeup artist and is head of the makeup and costumes department. An honest
and hardworking young adult, he secretly gets paid more than the others by Mr. Crawford.
 The Clown Car
[ACT I]
[INTRODUCTION]

(Curtain rises on a group of clowns kneeling around a relatively older clown who is lying down
and coughing)

Bonzo: Just leave me here, I'll be fine. Keep training and practicing for the show. I’ll be–

(Bonzo is thrown into a coughing fit and cannot finish)

Ruffles: But Bonzo, you’re the main attraction! No matter how many elephants I teach to do
tricks, they could never top you. You’re the star of our productions!

Bonzo: Just go on, the show starts in an hour. Fill up my time slot with your elephants, Ruffles.
Teach them some new tricks to keep the kids entertained. I know you’ll do great.

Ruffles: Thanks! I’ll try not to mess up too badly.

Bonzo: Now go and make me proud.

(The other clowns give Ruffles and Bonzo a moment. The two clowns sit next to each other in
silence, with occasional cries from Bonzo.)

Mr. Crawford: Move along! We have everything ready to go! Curtain’s on in 45!

[ACT I SCENE I]
(Mr. Crawford moves the sad clowns Stage Left to a dressing room with some vanities,
makeup, and makeup artists.)

Mr Crawford: Susan, Geoffrey, get to work on Ruffles and Bubbles. Lester, stop sweeping and
take care of Patch. Katie, for the last time, stop yelling at your husband through the phone!

Katie: yelling BORIS, AS SOON AS I AM DONE WITH WORK YOU BETTER BE BACK SO I
CAN MAKE US DINNER AND WE CAN WATCH ‘HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON’--

(Mr. Crawford is clearly agitated, and motions for the others to get to work.)

Mr. Crawford: sighs Katie, don’t make me blacklist you again.

(Katie’s tone is much gentler, as if she had forgotten all about her little spat with Boris)

Katie: Please, Mr Crawford, you know I need this job. I just– I just–

(Katie bursts into tears. Mr. Crawford is visibly confused, but also slightly guilty.)

Mr. Crawford: First off, Katie, you don’t even have a job here. You’re a volunteer. Second, you
only have one strike left before I have to permanently ban you from our company. I’m positive
you can find elsewhere to escape from your marital problems.

(Mr. Crawford tries to console her with a gentle pat on the back, but Katie declines and is
sniffling. Susan and Lester give him a dirty look.)

Katie: I- I understand (sniffles.)

Katie: I’ll do better. I try my best but I just don’t know–

(Katie starts sobbing again and pulls Susan into a hug. She tries her best to help her, but it
doesn’t have much effect. After about two minutes, Susan seems annoyed and pulls away from
the snot-nosed old lady.)

Susan: Why don’t you… um… take out the trash?

(she picks up an empty little bag beside one of the vanities.)

Lester: Actually I just did–

(Susan covers his mouth abruptly and gives him a threatening look. Lester sighs.
Lester: Actually, it seems I forgot to take out the trash! Silly me!

(Lester makes a rushed and obviously fake smile at Katie. Katie, however, seems not at all
suspicious or hesitant. Susan desperately searches for spare trash but only finds a few
wrappers, and eventually tosses in the roll of paper towels sitting on a desk sheet by sheet
while Lester is doing his best to stall her by singing songs off-key and trying to sell her some
Bluey notebook pages.)

Lester: They can make your grandchildren want to visit you!

Katie: Really? Even little Denise?

Lester: Don’t worry. little Denita will love you more than… uhh… My Little Pony?

Katie: Oh my little Denise just loves My Little Pony!

(Susan jabs him to catch his attention. Lester notices the bag is tied up and ready.)

Susan: Here you go, Katie! All ready to take out the trash. Make sure to take it out exactly as I
say, okay?

Katie: Got it!

(Katie winks enthusiastically. Lester, Susan, and Steve all cringe.)

Susan:Okay, first let’s… uhh… take the key and walk around the entire building three times. It
gives the trash bag a workout, you know?

(Susan holds up the keys and hands them to her. Katie smiles appreciatively.)

Lester: Then you… walk to the dumpster and give it… an offering of Hot Cheetos?

Susan: Yes, an offering of Hot Cheetos! The last thing to do is sing ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star’
in Paakantyi five times, with a full accent. Might wanna start your Duolingo!

(Katie takes this literally and downloads the app. She then searches for Paakantyi, but doesn’t
find it.)

Susan: Now go!

Lester: Oh, and watch out for opossums!

(Lester and Susan wave off Katie. She waddles off with a nervous look, her notes in hand.)

ACT I SCENE II

Mr. Crawford: Well, since we have that out of the way, we need to find a way to either heal
Bonzo before the show or take up his time slot.

Ruffles: He said to take up the time with my elephants…

Bubbles: We can’t take up the entire time slot with elephants! We should just add a few more
bike tricks.

Patch: Or we can shoot a few more cannons!

Freckles: Why don’t we just all get a little extra time? That seems fair, right?

Mr. Crawford: Eh, why not. I suppose it’ll be fine, just this once. Besides, I'm sure the audience
will understand. But I also think that it’s important to save Bonzo. He didn’t look like he just had
a cold.

Geoffrey: That’s true… I agree with Mr. Crawford. I think we should focus on saving Bonzo!

(After some persuasion and bribery, the clowns finally agree on saving their beloved leader.)

Mr. Crawford:The first thing we need to do is brainstorm and research. We can form two teams–

Ruffles: Do we get team names?

Mr. Crawford: Uh, sure. Anyways, Team Brainstorm will have Ruffles, Freckles, Patch, and
Geoffrey. Team Research will have Susan, Lester, Bubbles, and Steve. We need to come up
with a plan, and fast!

(Both teams start researching or brainstorming. They come up with some cool ideas, but no
luck.)

Geoffrey: How about we buy this elixir off of notascam.com? It seems trustworthy. All we have
to do is insert out credit card number, our address, and our social security–

Mr. Crawford: NO!

(Lester sighs.)

Lester: We’ll never help Bonzo in time, there’s only 25 minutes until curtain!

Mr. Crawford: You’re right. We’re all tired and hungry, let’s just get some food and take a break..

Bonzo: Food?

(Everyone sighs and pulls out their little pre-made lunches.)

Susan: Wait, what?

Bonzo: What? I’m hungry!

Mr. Crawford: But Bonzo, what about your illness?

Bonzo: Oh, that? I was just peckish.

(Bonzo sheepishly smiles as the rest of the crew groans.)

Geoffrey: Wait, don’t we have a show to perform?

Mr. Crawford: Right! Back on schedule, plan A.

(They rush to work and make it just in time for the show, spare a few minutes. All jitters left
them, and the audience loved every part of their acts. Shortly after their wonderful performance,
Katie runs in, exhausted, but smiling.)

Katie: I did it! I recited Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in Paakantyi!

(Susan, Lester, and Mr. Crawford are confused for a moment, then stunned.)

Susan: Wait, how?

THE END