06/06/2023

Tuesday

Hi jo,
I feel strange, no I can’t lie here too! I know what exactly this feeling is, but I don’t the reason that
why I am feeling like this often?! Why is my life messed up like this?? I don’t know how to explain
this but everyone around me is strange, all have some privacy, some secret that is not bad or wrong,
but it makes me feel that they are not close to me, they don’t want to share with me! That’s perfectly
fine but I share everything with everyone but when they don’t it feels bit weird! they do not show all
their love to me, even my mom?? Yeah, I will say what I am talking about, first this thing happened to
me! I was so good until I came to know this, this also taught me that everyone has some dark secrets,
it can be wrong or right that can’t be defined by anyone it feels right for the that person as per their
situation but it might feel wrong to the other person, it all depends on the persons, still there is some
common judgements on all things , it can also be said as SOCIAL OPINIONS !!! FUCK it!! We all
say we don’t care about what others say but deep inside we shit fucking care about them!! That’s
TRUTH! Whatever! Right or wrong? Good or bad? Society or family? Fuck all of it! above all this
can you say how a daughter would feel knowing that her mother has an affair? She just starts to hate
her and get distanced from her but what if that mother has treated her so good and raised so well, apart
from this she has been so loving to the family, and you know that was not an acting, it was really a
pure love! Knowing that she was an incredible mother but this thing of her is wrong on this fucking
judgemental society!? Would you rather forgive her or hate her? Isn’t it a hard question to answer??
YES, it is! And that’s why there is no answer to this question from my side. I still choose to forgive
her because I totally understand what love is!! That’s a magic! And everything is fair to both when
they are in love. I accept her but at times, I can’t! and I don’t know how to behave with her or treat
her?! That’s worst sometimes I feel for her, I understand her pain and want to support and help her but
at some times I am getting hurt by some of her activities and sometimes I feel like SHIT!! I act like
she is not my mother! Want to fuck all this bullshit! I want to embrace her, but I can’t, I truly can’t!! I
am fed up these things and moreover my brother is a gay, having a gay in my family it feels bit weird
and tough, though I feel him and accept him! The thing is he is not that matured yet and is not being
responsible but being gay is his own choice and I don’t interrupt him. I don’t but my family does! He
is getting hurt by their words each moment. My family doesn’t support this and thinks that this is all
mindset it can be changed but I don’t have a perfect idea on this, moreover they think that this is all
because of phone, seeing these unwanted things he is getting into unwanted thoughts! I don’t have any
idea but due to these things they are controlling me on phone and many things! A simple naughty talk
with my bestie is being judged badly! They are restricting me over and I can’t handle this because I
love a girl too!!! Yeah, I don’t know whether I am a lesbian or bisexual, but I love only that girl when
it comes to girls and we don’t have that many chances to hangout or meet, our only hope is to chat but
that is my mom’s biggest fear, and she hates. Fighting with my mom and pleasing her every day I am
tired!! I can’t be myself; I am not stable! It feels like I hate me more and more every day. To cure all
this and give a permanent (nope there is no permanent thing in this world!!) may be a temporary
happiness there came a boy. He was my classmate, we studied together for ten years! But I swear I
don’t know him until my 11th grade. We both choose commerce after 10th then I came to know him
because I was first in commerce list and this boy was second, it was surprising to find a boy scoring
some good marks ha-ha! Then eventually I came to know that I was just one mark higher than him!!
SHIT he is tough to beat up dude! Then as time moved on, we talked a lot, we found each other
similar, a lot of funny things to talk! The most important thing is that we both had a very dirty mind!!
And as the saying goes people with dirty mind has the purest heart!! Hell, he was an evident for that.
Hà-ha we became so close we didn’t even realize until that day when he was absent... FUCK! the
whole world felt like nothing without him, I felt alone in the that whole big classroom with 49
students where 18 of them were girls but still my heart wanted him!! You may wonder whether that is
love?? But I say nope!!! But not sure, it may be like this that my heart loves him, but my mind is
matured a bit and doesn’t want to get into a relationship and be committed. Like my heart loves him
but hides the truth and cheat me?? You might think I am bad; I love a girl and this boy too!!???? But I
don’t want to give a shit about this thought!! I don’t fucking care because my heart wants to be happy
and for that I want them both to be with me!! I don’t mind whether its wrong or right!! Yeah, like I am
good girl though, I love only sruthy and if my heart likes this boy pragadesh, I am refusing to accept
and I am having a bestie relationship!! I am good! Yeah, he flirts with me because sruthy doesn’t do
that! Let me be frank!! I and sruthy love each other, I sometimes act like a boy, so she loves me but
due to her character she is being only girl or maybe she doesn’t flirt or take any initiative, doesn’t
praise me for little things, doesn’t gets attracted to my body and many more like how a boy does!! I
don’t blame her for that, but it somehow influences our relationship. I am not a boy!! I am a girl too
and I too expect those things that I do for her. But whatever I love her and without her my life is just
nothing, meaningless!!! So, I won’t leave her.

07/06/2023
Wednesday
Hii jo,
Today I am fucked up with this world…. i had enough what wrong I did?? I try to be perfect but still I
don’t know where I am losing it! I am trying hard to be good still it all ends up wasted, if sruthy does
a lot of work her mom supports her but my mom doesn’t do it, even I try to be perfect as well, where
is the mistake then??!! I wake up early and help my mom, now she is on leave, so I slept, and I wasn’t
aware of the time too! While sleeping I don’t remember anything! Is it my mistake that I don’t have
conscious in sleep?? I am neither good in maintaining a house (like a girl!!) nor good in study!! I am
good at nothing ok?!! Just leave me alone! I can’t understand myself, who am i? what I am doing?
Nothing !! I am just mad!! Just leave me! I am not lazy!! I will have big dreams!! There is nothing
wrong in that and I will succeed in life!! You were not there when I was studying 10th but still, I
scored good marks!! Isn’t it?? So, what’s the fucking matter with you!! I will somehow do it! Make it
possible!!!! Don’t fucking get into me. I will study!!! You note this, I will be the school topper of
this year you are going to see it!! I will make it happen! You just shut fucking mouth!!

08/06/2023
Thursday

Hi jo,
I say this for sure, I fell for him!! Not in love but some kind of relationship!! We call it bestie, but I
am not sure?! Not sure whether its love? Whether bestie? Nothing! But I simply like him! Fuck we
totally forgot this world and fell into this relationship, and I mean it we would just simply talk for
hours!! I don’t know what we literally talked about, but we spend a lot of time together. But one
sudden day his mom became so angry and scolded him for talking with me. Her sister showed some
of our chat screenshots. And I know we did talk like lovers that others might find we are in love, but
we don’t!! I would just simply blame this society for us!! They were the one who made of fun of us
saying some creepy things like this. And now they are scolding us?? I like talking with him!! He just
makes me feel so good. So, after that fight we stopped talking! WHY?? Because we had no other
option!! His mom threatened him by saying that she would say everything to my mom, and if my
mom knew this, she would just literally break me into pieces! You know why I like him so much??
Because he is so frank, true, kind-hearted and a very good soul!! You know what he said that day, he
said if suppose my mom tells your mom just simply put the blame on me, say I called you all the
time!! He is freaking good right?? But I told him that I am not that worst, I would never do that!! I am
also responsible too I will also take the blame. One week went then he called me saying I did spoke so
hard that day saying not to call me or text me anymore!! I know you would be hurt and said sorry, but
we didn’t even talk more than five minutes he cut the call without saying anything. Again, after one
week he called me saying on that his sister came and we talked for nearly ten minutes, I told how
worst was my days and he told his too, I tried to say everything that took place in my life on that week
but he again cut the call… today again he called me and told on that day he came to ground so he
called but after some times his friends came to so he had to cut the call and now too he talked for just
ten mins and again hang up! I feel like heck!! He calls me every time talks with me when I get
convinced, he leaves me!! I know it’s not his mistake but…??! I don’t know whom to be blamed?!! I
just simply miss him so much.

09/06/2023
Friday

Hi jo,
Today till now I have nothing big to talk about. I just simply went for a function and that was good!!
But this hot summer just killed me like hell!! And I wore half saree today due to which I got a lot of
cute and wonderful compliments!! But dude it surely might have looked odd because I was looked too
much pretty for that simple function!! Maybe it looked nice too!! I don’t know, however hearing those
comments was nice too! And the most important thing is I put a hair mask today, really its just mind
blowing!!! My hair is curly little and so frizzy, but this hair mask made it so smooth I feel so good u
know?! And there is nothing much to talk for today, see-ya!