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STRONG COUPLES
Strong Couples: Basic Skills that Elicit Connection and Transform Relationships intro-
duces an intelligent and flexible framework to guide sessions with
couples. Informed by grounded theory research, this book provides a
foundation for understanding couples’ needs and advancing sessions
toward lasting and meaningful change.
Drawing on illustrated case examples throughout, Murray demon-
strates the value of couples counseling for all by providing an adaptive
structure to be applied across diverse contexts and circumstances. With
chapters focused on areas of self and relational awareness, genuine
engagement, vulnerability and responsiveness, sharing responsibility,
and valuing one another, this book will help counselors guide couple
discoveries and new relationship experiences. Each chapter is fully
integrated with therapeutic techniques to realize this process.
Mobilizing the couple’s initiative to explore and develop their rela-
tionship, this book will aid counselors and marriage and family thera-
pists alike to implement purposeful steps for helping couples change.
Kirsten Winther Murray, PhD, LPC is Associate Professor of Counse-

lor Education at the University of Montana. A licensed counselor, she
has taught, supervised, and practiced for 14 years, concentrating on
present-focused relational work with couples and families.
This page intentionally left blank
STRONG COUPLES
Basic Skills that Elicit Connection

and Transform Relationships
Kirsten Winther Murray

First published 2019
by Routledge
52 Vanderbilt Avenue, New York, NY 10017
and by Routledge
2 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon, OX14 4RN
Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business
© 2019 Taylor & Francis
The right of Kirsten Winther Murray to be identified as author of this work has
been asserted by her in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright,
Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or
utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now
known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any
information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the
publishers.
Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered
trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent
to infringe.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
A catalog record for this title has been requested
ISBN: 978-1-138-05782-1 (hbk)
ISBN: 978-1-138-05783-8 (pbk)
ISBN: 978-0-429-03178-6 (ebk)
Typeset in Joanna
by Swales & Willis Ltd
To my boys. May you build relationships in life that are
sources of joy, learning, and love. And may you discover
your best selves there.
To my husband and partner in creating just such a
relationship.
CONTENTS
Introduction 1
The Case of Joel and Lisa 3
Part I. Hold 5
1 Setting the Foundations for Couples Counseling 7
Part II. Discover 31
2 Knowing One’s Self 33
3 Histories and Contexts of Relating: Understanding Family

Patterns and Stages 56
Part III. Change 89
4 Genuine and Authentic Engagement 91
5 Responsiveness and Vulnerability 119

VIII CONTENTS
6 Sharing Responsibility and Modeling Transformation 153
7 Valuing One Another and the Relationship 177
Part IV. Integrate 197
8 Considerations for Application 199
References 205
Index 208
If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person. If there is beauty in the
person, there will be harmony in the house. If there is harmony in the house, there will be
order in the nation. If there is order in the nation, there will be peace in the world.
~Chinese Proverb
INTRODUCTION
Couple relationships are sources and vessels of great joys and painful
trials across lifetimes. These partnerships are complex and dynamic
entities. No one is the same. Each relationship is a lifecycle unto itself,
writing its own story, and influenced by its socio-cultural contexts. Yet,
amidst the intricacies of these relationships, commonalities of health
and strength exist. I first came across these themes while doing
grounded theory research with graduate students about their couple
relationships. As counselors-in-training, these participants shared with
me the great influences learning to be a counselor had on them, and
how their relationships shifted as a result. In each case, participants
held that while changes were challenging, their relationships were
ultimately strengthened and enhanced by similar processes and
experiences.
The more time I spent with these themes, the more I began to
recognize them as a guide for restoring the core foundations of our
most central relationships. This book will dig deeper into these factors
in three parts, directing counselors through: (1) holding powerful couple
dynamics, (2) guiding participant discoveries about self and relationship,
and (3) evoking relational change. Each chapter is dedicated to the
2 INTRODUCTION
integration of therapeutic techniques to fully realize this process. To this

end, my sincere hope is that the text ignites passion for relationship
health while providing structure and skills for effective couples counsel-
ing. When creating space to hold couples in reflection and inspire
meaningful connection, it is difficult to find a more privileged place to
work. My very best wishes as you begin or expand your journey
counseling couples.
THE CASE OF JOEL AND LISA
Joel (40) and Lisa (38) have been in a relationship for 18 years. Their
commitment began shortly after the birth of their son, Jesse (18), and they
later welcomed two more children: daughter Brittany (15) and son Julio
(10). A local addictions counselor treating their son Jesse referred the couple
to you. After two mandatory family counseling sessions at the addictions
facility, the counselor recommended couples counseling for Joel and Lisa.
Both report that wanting to help their son is their primary motivation for
coming to see you.
At the first session, you learn that the couple is bi-racial (Joel identifying as
white, and Lisa as Latina) and ascribes to traditional gender roles of provider
and caregiver. Both practicing Catholics, they rely on their faith and Lisa’s
family of origin for guidance and support while raising their family. Joel
works as an electrician and was the first in his family to pursue education
beyond high school. They report a middle-class income of $65,000 a year
with enough money to support their needs and some wants, while also
helping family financially from time to time.
At the first session, Joel makes it clear how difficult it was to find time in
his busy schedule to come in, and re-states how he would do anything for his
son. Lisa, sitting at the other end of the couch, agrees that she is here for Jesse,
and can’t continue parenting by herself. Both exchange glances and the
feelings of resentment are palpable. It is time for the work to begin.
PART I
HOLD
1
SETTING THE FOUNDATIONS
FOR COUPLES COUNSELING
When creating a counseling environment to address the needs of

more than one person, a degree of firmness must be harnessed
by the counselor. Setting constructs in motion that allow space for
both participants to be understood while highlighting the systemic
nature of the problem requires a bold and directive stance by the
counselor at times. The ability to set boundaries around and within
the session demonstrates a strength that emboldens a couple’s trust
in the counselor’s ability to hold their struggle and direct a course
toward change. Setting this trustworthy foundation begins with
preventative measures like blocking, defining the client, co-con-
structing the problem, and protecting the work done in counseling.
This chapter focuses on concepts and interventions that demonstrate
a counselor’s ability to hold a couple’s struggle and set a systemic
tone for change.
8 HOLD
Re-Defining the Client and the Problem

For introspection and change to have a chance, a counselor must do
what they can to alleviate blaming, criticism, and defensiveness (Gott-
man, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson, 1998) and build an environment
where vulnerability is plausible. One of the first strides in this cause is
to make it clear that the counselor’s job is not about looking for who is
at fault and taking sides, nor will time be spent focusing on changing
only one person. The best foundation for this kind of focus is to define
the client as the relationship. Imagine your client as the space between
the couple; counseling goals become about nurturing the kind of
communication and authentic engagement that feed this space. Be
explicit with the couple, too. Openly state that neither of them is your
client, and their relationship is. You will be asking things of both of
them, not for the purpose of taking sides or declaring a winner, but
solely for the purpose of strengthening the relationship. Incorporating
this concept into the informed consent process is a great place to start.
However, if it is only stated once and never demonstrated by action, the
concept becomes useless. Defining your client as the relationship is
something that is sure to resurface during your time with a couple.
Couples are constantly making bids for coalition and alliance with
counselors and consistently focusing on their partners as the sole root
of the problem at hand. These are opportunities to intervene with a
relational focus and reinforce the concept of the relationship as client.
Here is an example using the case of Joel and Lisa:
Counselor: “I also want to make clear that during our time together
I will always be on the side of the relationship. Every-
thing I do during our sessions is motivated by that. I
really see your relationship as my client. So, it may be
helpful to remember that as I’m guiding things along,
I’m motivated by what’s best for your relationship. And,
sometimes that is going to be difficult for each of you
individually. I’m here to nurture and support your
relationship.”
Joel: Nods head.

Lisa: “Okay.”
SETTING THE FOUNDATIONS 9
C: “Great. I’ll be reminding us of this from time to time so

you’re aware of where I’m coming from. Now that I’ve
filled up a lot of space with logistics in our first session,
I’m curious about hearing from you. Why do you sup-
pose that Jesse’s counselor recommended you come in?”
J: “Well, it was pretty clear that when we were together in

our family counseling that we just don’t get along. And
now, I just try to stay out of the way.”
L: Looking at Joel, “Is that what you call it?”
J: Looks ahead with no response to Lisa.
L: To Counselor, gesturing to Joel, “See, this is what I’m

dealing with. If I could just get even an acknowledg-
ment, or a bit of help, things would be better.”
C: “So Lisa, instead of telling Joel what he’s doing wrong at
the moment, I’d like to get back to my question, why do
you think Jesse’s counselor referred you both here?”
L: “To get my husband more invested.”

C: “Okay, then why both of you? What’s your take on what
is happening in your relationship that involves both
of you?”
L: “I don’t know. I just don’t want to parent by myself
anymore.”
J: To Lisa, “Why, because I don’t do anything? Do you have
ANY idea of who I’m working my ass off for?”
C: “Let me stop you both. As I imagine the relationship
between the two of you, it’s as if I can see it shrinking in
all this blame and defensiveness. My guess is that
you’re both pretty lonely.”
L: Nods.
J: Remains looking forward.
C: “It’s my job to be on your relationship’s side now and

help you both try some new things. Lisa, let’s begin with
10 HOLD
you. I want to learn about your experience in your

marriage, but without any blaming or criticism of Joel.
When I hear us going down the road of blaming or
criticism, I’m going to stop you, and we’ll find new
words together. Okay?”
In this example the Counselor redirects attention back to the relation-

ship three times: after Lisa’s bid for a coalition with the Counselor by
criticizing Joel, after Lisa’s second criticism of Joel, and last, after Joel’s
expression of contempt for Lisa. Gottman’s four horsemen are excellent
indicators for when to help the couple refocus on the relationship and
not their partner. Conceptually, the Counselor grounds themselves in the
framework of relationship as client, avoiding the trap of addressing Joel
or Lisa as the solitary problem. Carrying this conceptualization forward
invites later self-reflection from the couple rather than blaming, con-
tempt, disgust, and criticism. Given Joel’s indicators of stonewalling
(silence, no eye contact), the brief enactment in this first session
signifies he is experiencing the least amount of safety at this time, and
it serves the relationship to shift Lisa away from blaming and criticism
toward self-reflection.
In conjunction with continued focus on the relationship as client,
counselors must also help couples re-define the problem. Maintaining
narratives that the problem is held within a person sets up couples for old
patterns of relating that do not work and turns many counselors into
referees. Instead of negotiating blame, counselors can help couples exter-
nalize problems and define them systemically. This is an art perfected by a
Narrative approach (White, 1989), helping all involved shift their narrative
about the problem. This level of reframing is incredibly powerful and
allows the couple to agree on one definition of the problem so it is no
longer located within one person. Externalizing problems also has the
effect of uniting couples. The work of re-defining the problem requires
couples to collaborate, and when the problem is externalized, the couple
can unite against the problem. This level of connection is only possible
when the problem does not rest inside a person, but rather is maintained
by relationship dynamics that welcome the problem in.
In Joel and Lisa’s case, notice that the Counselor makes the first bid to
re-define the problem: “Let me stop you both. As I imagine the relationship
between the two of you, it’s as if I can see your relationship shrinking in all
this blame and defensiveness. My guess is that you’re both pretty lonely.”
Here, the Counselor begins to conceptualize the problems that are mutual
and shared between the two: so far, loneliness. Creating this shared defini-
tion of the problem begins with conceptualizing each member’s experi-
ences of the relationship and arrives at the shared experiences of difficulty.
This also lays the groundwork for uniting a couple to address the shared
problem. Defining what is threatening to the relationship has the juxtaposi-
tion of also bringing the couple together. When re-defining the problem,
counselors have an opportunity to establish an alliance between the couple
that aims to protect and nurture the relationship. Picking up where we left
off with Joel and Lisa, take a look at how the Counselor makes bids to re-
define the problem:
C: “So when I mentioned loneliness, that seemed to strike a chord

with you, Lisa.”
L: Nods again. “Ya, but every time I bring it up, Joel just jumps down
my throat.”
J: Throws his hands up and looks away.
C: To Lisa, “I’d like to share a hunch with you.”

L: “Sure.”
C: “My hunch is that over the years, your loneliness has led to
resentment, and even in the short time we’ve shared together
today, I’ve watched those bits of resentment leak out. They are
powerful. You want to be heard by Joel. Yet, your words push him
away.”
Silence takes hold for a bit, and Lisa looks at her feet.
C: “Lisa, I see your loneliness right now.”

L: A few tears begin to fall.
C: “You’ve been craving a partner in your marriage for a while.”
L: Nods.
J: “Look, you said it yourself, she’s not exactly the most welcoming.
What does she expect?”
12 HOLD
C: Holds finger up toward Joel indicating “just a minute,” and

returns attention to Lisa. “Lisa, thanks for slowing down with
me. These aren’t easy places to go and showing yourself like this
helps us get to the core of things.”
C: To Joel, “There’s something about Lisa’s loneliness that sparks
something in you. When she says she’s lonely, I’m curious if you
are hearing you’re a bad husband?”
J: “Look, I work really hard. Her loneliness is not my problem.”

L: Crosses her arms and legs, and sinks into the corner of the couch.
C: To Joel, “What about you, do you ever feel lonely in your
marriage?”
J: “I don’t have time to feel lonely.”
C: “When we started, you mentioned the problem in your marriage is

‘not getting along,’ can you tell me more about that?”
J: “Sure, I mean, you’ve seen it. I basically get picked apart.”

C: “OK. And when you’re criticized, you really back off, almost
remove yourself.”
J: “Ya, I mean, wouldn’t you? I can’t keep taking this.”
C: “So if being in a relationship means being criticized, you’d rather

be alone. It’s safer.”
J: Nods.
C: “Safer not to show your hurt, safer not to reach out to your wife.”
J: Silent.
C: “Seems that hurt is driving a lot of the dance in your relationship.

Hurt sparks criticism (looking at Lisa) and hurt sparks withdrawal
(looking at Joel). Hurt is tricking you into some old patterns and
you’re losing each other.”
In this example, the Counselor moves from establishing empathy

with Lisa to seeking a connection with Joel, all while attempting
broader definitions of the problem for them both. Though my instinct
remains that loneliness is part of Joel’s experience, his readiness to
explore such a vulnerable position is minimal, and he quickly moves

away from this level of vulnerability. Notice that instead of challenging
or confronting Joel’s position, the Counselor moves with him. Instead
of meeting Joel’s resistance with more resistance, the Counselor makes
more room for Joel’s experience, holds it, and deepens connections to
primary emotions of hurt. Here, the Counselor uses empathy, gentle
confrontation, and reframing to establish a shared definition of the
problem: that hurt is prompting distance in the relationship for them both.
Successfully re-defining a couple’s problem in systemic terms means
holding a larger focus on the relationship while also building rapport
with each participant. In the example, the Counselor moves toward
each participant using encouragement, empathy, paraphrases, and feel-
ing reflections, all while never losing sight of merging all experiences
back to the relationship with a shared definition of the problem.
Creating a shared definition of the problem and holding a focus on the
relationship as the client helps dissipate blaming and defensiveness. In
the absence of these barriers, openings for the vulnerable work of self-
reflection become present, and counselors promote norms for each
participant to turn awareness inward. Setting the stage for effective
counseling that begins with self-reflection, however, depends on more.
This brings us to another skill necessary when creating a safe and
vulnerable counseling environment: break out the Wonder Woman
bracelets, we’re talking about quick and agile blocking.
Utilize Blocking
As couples disclose difficulties and work to move through processes of
change, they need a container for direct and heated work. Blocking,
above other skills, creates the conditions for both. The title of the classic
book The Family Crucible gives a nod to counseling as a vessel, a place
where elements can interact and heat can be contained to produce
something new. When working in the context of relationships, creating
change is rooted in the ability to hold the difficult and fiery process.
Showing a couple that you are strong enough to contain their volatile
patterns and vulnerable personal explorations without getting lost or
overpowered is paramount. Couples’ patterns are akin to a vortex: old
ways that pull them into interactions that don’t work over and over
14 HOLD
again. These patterns are sneaky and powerful, and couples need to be
reassured that their patterns won’t get the better of their counselor.
Blocking is the ultimate tool for taking a couple in a new direction
and leaving old interactions behind. And nowhere is blocking more
necessary than at the start of the counseling relationship when old
interactions threaten new norms for self-reflection and systemic
understanding in session.
Blocking must begin with a counselor’s ability to establish a presence
in sessions. Take note of posture, voice, and any inclinations in state-
ments and directives. When done with confidence and compassion,
strength and caring will be communicated when initiating blocking and
helping it stick. If first attempts are apologetic and timid when the aim
is to be directive and curious, make shifts to channel confidence in
abilities to hold and guide the necessary work of a session. On the
contrary, holding power over a couple and becoming so directive that
empathy and authentic engagement are limited risks casting a shadow of
emptiness over the session. Without compassion for the couple, the art
of relationship building will be lost, leaving the counselor in a sea of
unresponsive words and recommendations that fosters disconnection
from the couple. Demonstrating a sense of power to guide a couple’s
sessions is not exclusive of warmth, curiosity, and connection. Virginia
Satir is one of the greats when it comes to holding and directing a
session with compassion. If you have an opportunity to watch her,
please do (Virginia Satir Video Series, psychotherapy.net). Remember,
both warmth and limit setting are always possible, though they are
sometimes treated as mutually exclusive.
When initiating blocking with confidence and compassion, the
intervention begins to commence with greater ease. The counselor
essentially become the driver and traffic cop of the relationship, mana-
ging the session by drawing out what is helpful and blocking what is
not. Blocking rests on the ability to judge when interactions between a
couple are harmful or helpful to establishing connection in the relation-
ship. Take note here that blocking is not about stopping all difficult,
prickly, poorly communicated exchanges that provoke hurt and diffi-
culty. These exchanges have their place, too. Minuchin (1974) and
Minuchin and Nichols (1998) taught us about the great power of
enactment and witnessing interactions to gain a deeper understanding
of relationship patterns. Further, working through a couple’s old patterns

requires the pattern to first establish a presence in the session. Counse-
lors can’t effectively work on something that isn’t in the room. Blocking
is not about stopping things when they get difficult. It is about stopping
things when they are counterproductive. Use blocking to slow down the
old pattern, draw awareness to it, and move toward deeper reflection
and new behaviors for the couple. Let’s look at how blocking plays out
in Joel and Lisa’s session:
C: “Given our exchanges so far, I’m wondering if seeing each other’s

hurt and loneliness like this is new?”
L: “I mean, I try to tell him I’m lonely, I don’t think that it is much of
a surprise. His hurt is new to me (gesturing to Joel) . . . I just think
he doesn’t want to be around me anymore.”
J: “Well, that’s true. I don’t want to be with you. It’s all complaints,
and to-dos, and how you’re upset about the kids. Who wants to be
around that?”
L: “Oh, so I’m just supposed to act like nothing’s wrong, put on my
smile, and pretend? Just to make sure you’re happy? I’ve watched
my mother do that my whole life. No way.”
J: “Ya, and you know what, all your parents’ kids turned out fine.
Your Mom and Dad are still married, and I don’t see a damn thing
wrong with that.”
L: “So it’s my fault that Jesse fucked up? Nice Joel. Really nice.”
C: “Let’s stop,” holding up both hands, raising her voice, and
extending her posture. “Eighteen years gives you a lot of experi-
ence with each other’s buttons, and given the speed of that
exchange, you really know each other’s buttons.”
C: “Let’s try something new. I’m going to focus on each of you. When
you’re not the focus, notice your reactions, and work to really
learn about your partner’s experience.”
C: “This is our first practice, so I’ll stop you, direct you, and guide
this as we jump in.”
L: Visibly angry from the last exchange, “sure.”
16 HOLD
C: “So Joel, I hear that withdrawal come up a number of times as you

describe things with Lisa. I’ve even seen it in our session a bit.
Almost like an ultimatum: be kind to me or I’m outta here.”
J: “Well, no, I’m not going to leave her, but I’m not going to be
around her when she treats me like that.”
L: “Does he have any idea how he treats ME?!”

C: “Hold that thought Lisa,” putting up her hand, and holding eye
contact with Joel. “I’ll get back to you.” Then, back to Joel, “Okay,
so really, the message is, I’m done being hurt by you.”
J: “Pretty much.”
C: “And the withdrawal happens before any hint of you being hurt is
shown.”
L: Rolls her eyes.

C: To Joel, “You’ve become pretty good at keeping your feelings to
yourself?”
J: “You could say that.”
C: “Lisa, do you agree? Joel is pretty good at keeping his feelings to

himself?”
L: “Well, he’s pretty quick to tell me what I’m doing wrong.”

C: “And him feeling hurt, this is new information to you?”
J: “I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m hurt. I’ve just had it.”
C: To Joel, “So when you hear criticism, you are also hearing you’re
not good enough. And you’re done with it.”
L: “I tell him how –”

C: “Lisa, hold on. Let Joel and I work on this for a minute. I know it’s
difficult.” Then turns body toward Joel, leaning forward . . . “Joel,
you really want to be appreciated for everything you give to your
family. You want to be seen.”
J: Looking at the ground, nods. “Ya, I think she has no idea about
how hard I work for us.”
C: “You want to be seen for the things you do, want to be appre-
ciated. That’s gone missing.”
J: “When we first got together, she was so proud of me for finishing
my training. We could buy a house. There was stability for us. We
didn’t come from that. And now, I’m just taken for granted.”
C: “Your work goes unnoticed. What you give to your family isn’t
seen like it once was . . . You’re hurt . . . You want to be appre-
ciated and you’re hurt.”
J: “I guess . . . I mean, I just want it to be like it was. I miss it.”
C: “There’s this ache for simpler times when you weren’t taken for
granted.”
J: “Yes. Exactly.”
C: “And you’re not sure how to get it back. You want Lisa to see you
how she once did. You want her to feel proud of you again.”
J: “Ya, I just want to be appreciated.”

C: “And connected to your wife again.”
J: “Ya.”
C: “This distance between you is taking its toll. Lots of hurt and
exhaustion . . . Lots of hurt and exhaustion.”
C: “Letting this be known here is a brave thing, Joel. I’m under-
standing you a bit better, and I thank you for that.”
C: “Lisa, learning what Joel wants, is this new information?”

L: “Ya, and . . . I don’t know . . . I’m hurt too, ya know. I’m lonely, and
I’m tired.”
C: “Ya, there’s been so much hurt unrecognized between the two of
you. You really want to be seen, too.”
L: “Exactly. I want to be seen.”
C: “Your loneliness has been happening for a long time . . . and so
has Joel’s pain. We’ve got to figure out how to give space to all of
these experiences here.”
18 HOLD
As seen here, blocking can be about both stopping couples’ patterns

of interaction and stopping one partner to devote energy and attention
to the other. In the example above, blocking is first used to stop old
patterns of interaction and shift the focus of the session, and is later
used to create space to build rapport between Joel and the Counselor
while prompting deeper reflection for Joel. When using blocking to
shift old patterns and prompt deeper self-awareness, block in stages.
First, stop the couple’s old pattern. Next, block interruptions from
the participant of secondary focus. And last, hold and deepen the
focus on the participant of primary focus by blocking attempts to
focus outside themselves. These three efforts help counselors break
through old patterns with the couple and hold the focus firmly with
one person. Finally, keep in mind that the more one participant is
blocked, the more crucial it is that the counselor return to respond-
ing to them to regain rapport. If you say you’ll get back to someone,
be sure to do it.
Although blocking is straightforward enough, attempts at this skill are
likely clouded with counselor personalization. Blocking really is a
pleasant way of saying: you’ve got to interrupt. Blocking can bring up
a slew of concerns for counselors; many social rules forbid this kind of
interaction. Consider these:
• Don’t interrupt.
• Hear someone out.
• Cutting someone off is rude.
• To be objective, you need to stay out of the mix.
When you combine beliefs like these with the well-ingrained sexism
and racism informing social rules about who should do the talking and
how, counselors may notice themes and patterns of whose voices they
amplify and diminish in session. Take note of how women and people
of color are regarded in sessions. Are you more likely to block and
interrupt female clients? As a counselor of color, are you often talked
over by your clients? Do you often pause to hear male clients first?
These social rules are inescapable, and counseling is not immune to
them. The key is to notice when racism, sexism, heterosexism, ageism,
ableism, and the like influence sessions and shift accordingly. Make
questioning on this front a part of your internal dialogue: how is sexism

influencing these sessions? Racism? Be aware: these intrusions are far
too pervasive to escape. Your work is not immune, and the ways
blocking plays out in session can serve as excellent clues to their arrival.
A primary concern about blocking is the risk of losing the client.
There is no doubt that blocking can create a divide and add tension to
sessions. Fight or flight responses are not uncommon in couples
when you initiate blocking; participants can disengage (flight) or
continue on, committed to proving themselves using the same old
patterns that haven’t worked (fight). In either case, immediacy is the
best antidote for repair, and sets a course for a new experience. When
counselors simply notice the fight or flight response, the session
slows to focus on awareness in the here-and-now. Here’s some
phrasing to keep in mind:
• “Each time I work to stop patterns of criticism, you hold on so

tightly to making your point that you talk right over me.”
• “I notice when I stop you and focus on her, you really pull away.”
• “When I attempt to move the session somewhere new, you both
meet me with a lot of old criticism and blaming patterns. I trust that
you can keep doing the very same dance without me, or you could
use me and our time together, and we can try something new.”
Utilizing immediacy strengthens blocking efforts in sessions. Immediacy

can initiate repairs with participants and re-invigorate failed blocking
attempts. In either case, the session moves participants to a here-and-
now focus that shifts them away from established patterns. After bring-
ing awareness to what is happening in the moment, counselors can
move sessions deeper by attending to emotional content. This can sound
something like this:
• “You spend so much energy working to be heard. There is such a

yearning for acknowledgment, and you’re not getting it. You really
want to be seen.”
• “There is so much safety in moving away. You don’t want to be hurt
or disappointed, and you back off. There’s safety in what you’re
doing right now, and a lot of loneliness, too.”
20 HOLD
By acknowledging participant experiences, needs, and emotions in the

present, rapport between counselors and participants improves and
sessions shift away from old patterns and give voice to deeper motiva-
tions and needs. This is the beginning of breaking out of familiar
patterns and into norms of personal awareness and authenticity.
The last thing to remember about blocking is that even though it is
difficult to rein some couples in, this also means that there is still some
degree of spark in the relationship. The couple is not complacent, and
their energy can be harnessed and shifted toward exploration and
connection. As frustrating and exhausting as blocking can become,
reframe your efforts by remembering that the relationship you’re work-
ing with still has a pulse. Here, a counselor’s job is simply re-directing
the energy, not creating it. Couples, too, may become discouraged by
the entrapment of their old patterns and time spent re-directing their
energy. Offer them the same reframe.
• “I know it’s frustrating having me stop you again and again. Though,
I have to say, the energy you have for figuring out the relationship
and staying engaged is impressive. You really want things to
work out.”
• “I’ve done a lot of re-directing during our time together today. An
important thing to remember is that you are both showing up with a
lot of energy for your relationship. Though the energy sometimes
goes to old patterns, this is far better than complacency. Both of you
really want things to change. You’re really invested.”
Setting a norm of blocking in the first few sessions sets a foundation

for counseling that allows for more efficient interventions down the
road. Demonstrating abilities to contain and direct a couple’s most fiery
patterns while deepening the focus of counseling toward self-reflection
develops trust between counselors and participants. Remember, looking
inward is vulnerable work for participants and needs to be protected.
Help shield space for each participant’s work by cutting off partner
responses that hook old patterns like criticism, blaming, and stone-
walling. Demonstrate strength to a couple with blocking; show that you
can encourage and protect their new explorations and exchanges, and
make repairs when necessary.
Protecting the Work

Any counselor would tell you that times of great advances in session can
be followed by later undoing as couples find their way toward new
exchanges. A bit of a two-steps-forward, one-step-back scenario. This is
a reminder that doing the work once in session is not enough. Counselors
must do their diligence to stoke and contain the fire of progress. Here are
a few strategies that can help couples protect and encourage the advances
they are making in session from the very beginning.
Confidentiality
Many fears accompany personal disclosures, especially in couples coun-
seling. Participants wonder, will I be understood? Will I be accepted?
Will I risk further damage to my relationship? Will my words later be
“used against me”? And, of course, will what I share be held in
confidence? Couples counseling brings a unique negotiation when it
comes to confidentiality. Participants are asked to place trust in both the
counselor and their partner. Here, confidentiality will be approached
from two perspectives: counselor commitment to confidentiality and
couple negotiations of confidentiality.
When working with more than one participant in counseling (think
groups, families, couples), confidentiality cannot be guaranteed. Ulti-
mately, the counselor cannot control what participants decide to share
outside the session. Couples counseling increases in complexity as each
participant may have different expectations for how their counselor
manages confidentiality. Some participants make private disclosures to
counselors, expecting that this information will be held in confidence
(particularly from their partner), and this may be true for some
counselors. Some counselors conduct confidential individual interviews
with each participant, transition an individual client to couples counsel-
ing, and conduct regular consultation visits with client loved ones,
while holding confidentiality around each exchange. In these cases, the
counselor is left in a state where they cannot “un-know” information
that impacts the couple relationship yet they are unable to broach the
information in the couple’s sessions, given confidentiality agreements.
On the other hand, some counselors practice firm confidentiality about
22 HOLD
what is shared in session but refuse to hold information separate and

confidential from each participant. Because of these nuances, I recom-
mend complete transparency with couples at the outset of counseling
about expectations for confidentiality. In addition to the ethical and legal
exceptions to confidentiality (harm to protected classes, harm to self,
danger to others, and in some cases, response to subpoena), counselors
working with couples may integrate statements like these into their
informed consent process:
• In the case of confidentiality for the couple but not the individual:
“Welcome. Before we dive into what brought you here, there are a
few things I like to make clear. Confidentiality is a very important
part of our work together. I believe it is the foundation of trust for us
here. With that said, although I practice keeping what is said here,
here, I cannot guarantee that each of you hold our work confidential,
though I will ask you to. Further, I won’t keep things from your
partner. In sum, I’m not a secret keeper for either of you and find
that that gets in the way of our work together.”
• In the case of confidentiality for both the individual and the couple:
“Welcome. As you both know, I’ve had the chance to talk to each of
you individually before beginning our first session together. I want to
thank you for your time and openness during those meetings. As we
discussed, those meetings are confidential, although I will encou-
rage you to bring what you’ve shared with me to our sessions
together as we move forward. In the future, feel free to request
individual meetings with me, and we will navigate confidentiality
the same way.”
• In the case of transitioning from individual to couples counseling:
“Ted, I’m very glad to have you join us. I’m looking forward to this
transition into couples counseling after working with Jill individually.
First, I want to acknowledge that while Jill and I have been able to
build a rapport, you and I are just beginning to know one another.
For the first few sessions, I’ll bring my focus to coming to know you,
and understanding your perspective on the relationship. I also want
to remind us that the individual work that Jill did with me will remain
confidential on my part, though Jill, you are free to share anything about
our work together here. Moving forward, confidentiality now becomes
applied to you as a couple. I will keep our work together here

confidential and ask you to do the same.”
Ultimately, I recommend engaging in confidentiality practices that

protect the confidentiality of the couple over the individual, especially
when beginning to see couples. Be clear that counselors do not help
couples keep secrets from one another. If at all possible, do not
transition an individual client into couples counseling; refer out to a
couples counselor. The same holds true for transitioning participants in
couples counseling to individual work while couple work remains in
motion. These clear boundaries help avoid the position of having
insights about the couple that you are unable to address in session. The
added burden of running information through individual confidentiality
filters in couple sessions restricts genuine and authentic interactions,
creates imbalance in your relationships with participants, and runs the
risk of breaking confidentiality. Apart from signs of relationship vio-
lence, I recommend keeping the couple together in sessions and
holding confidentiality for the couple primary.
Beyond the intricacies of confidentiality for counselors rest the
complex negotiations of confidentiality between the couple. Questions
to consider, and help the couple negotiate, include: Do we share with
others that we’re attending counseling? What, if anything, that occurs in
counseling is shared with others? How will couple work be referred to
in participants’ individual counseling sessions? The key here is to make
expectations between the couple as explicit as possible and help them
engage in shared decision making about confidentiality. Asking a couple
to negotiate confidentiality requests together and honor the shared
decisions is critical. Make the “why” of confidentiality explicit to the
couple. Help them see that confidentiality is central to re-establishing
trust and vital to the success of counseling. Because counseling is a place
where the couple is working to know and understand one another
again, confidentiality is key for taking risks and facilitating genuine and
authentic interactions. Participants must trust that their risks will be
held and protected by the counselor and especially by their partner.
Participants cannot be compelled to share their whole selves if the slightest
threat of being exposed to others outside the session exists. Trust is
essential when taking risks to be known, and being known is the central
24 HOLD
ingredient for re-establishing connection between the couple. Negotiations

of confidentiality are a counselor’s first opportunity to help the couple
honor each other after what quite possibly is a long drought of connection
and trust. The informed consent process, as complex as it may be, is a time
to help the couple be aware of the consequences of breaking confidenti-
ality, and the benefits to honoring it.
Boundaries Outside the Session

Another unique component of working with couples is that unlike working
with more than one person in groups, the participants returns to their
outside lives together. There are countless implications for these outside
interactions on future sessions and vice versa. Of particular concern is
exposing individual vulnerabilities in session at the risk of these disclosures
being disregarded, shamed, or used as leverage outside of the session. The
raw work of self-discovery and authentic disclosure needs to be supported
and protected at all angles. Explicitly setting boundaries with couples about
what is initially “off-limits” at home is wise. When participants uncover
personal patterns in the presence of their partners, they are embarking on
vulnerable work. For such work to continue, the counselor must not only
block criticism, contempt, or blaming in session, but must also explicitly
set boundaries for interactions outside the session. In the case of Joel and
Lisa, a counselor’s request may sound something like this:
C: As we move toward wrapping up today, I want to remind you that

couples counseling involves a fair amount of risk with each other.
When I’m with you, I can influence things: help break up patterns
of withdrawal and criticism. And I’m not going home with you.
When you’re outside of here, in moments of anger, it can be
tempting to dig into one another’s soft spots that we’re uncover-
ing in session. Unless your conversations are going to be about
comfort and compassion, I need you to save other reactions for
our time together. If disclosures here become new ways to hurt
each other at home, we lose a lot of ground. Help me maintain
our progress here. Can we agree that the things you learn about
each other here, like Joel’s hurting and withdrawal or Lisa’s
criticism and loneliness, won’t be used against each other at
home?
Directing a couple about what is off-limits outside of sessions and

supporting them in these boundaries are two very different tasks. It is
not enough to simply instruct a couple. During subsequent sessions, be
sure to follow up with the couple about how the content of your
sessions is influencing them at home. Empathize with how difficult it
can be not to criticize old patterns or point out flaws in one another
and focus sessions on how to help partners move from frustration to
compassion. Mindfulness and breathing techniques work wonders.
Removal and re-engagement plans during heightened experiences, and
even gratitude practices, can help re-center participants during agitating
times. The key here is to empathize and strategize with the couple. Offer
the skills necessary for how to regulate outside of sessions to better
protect the work being done in session.
Pacing
Pacing may be the protective factor counselors have the most influence
over. Pacing, or intentionally controlling the depth and flow of a
session, is an important protective factor when wading couples into
risk. First, let’s consider depth. Moving participants quickly to the
depths of core patterns and vulnerable emotions is always tempting.
However, moving too quickly runs the risk of pushing couples to a level
of disclosure that over-extends the trust in the counseling and couple
relationships. Although counselors may experience a strong desire to
push couples toward vulnerability and responsiveness as soon as a path
is conceptualized, when it comes to advancing this kind of exposed
work, sooner is not always better. Counselors must keep track of the
counseling relationship’s ability to hold vulnerable work securely and
the readiness of the couple relationship to embrace such exchanges. The
best way to assess readiness for depth is to slowly venture into core
feeling reflections (loneliness, fear, hurt, sadness) and track participant
responses. Participants will send messages about their own readiness for
exploration. Shifting topics, denying or resisting core feelings, relying
on safer secondary emotions, and deflecting to partners are just some of
the signs to adjust your pacing with participants and to continue a focus
on rapport. Messages about the readiness of a couple’s relationship to
hold this kind of work are also readily available. If most energy is going
26 HOLD
to blocking and interrupting aggressive patterns or stoking fires for

engagement, re-examine the readiness of the environment and re-
consider expectations. Then, adjust pacing to match participants’ readi-
ness. Make periodic bids to explore core emotions and patterns that
require more vulnerability. Continue to establish norms of blocking
damaging exchanges and increase use of reframing and encouragement.
As these interventions take effect, trust will build and pacing can move
toward deeper reflections where personal and relationship patterns can
be explored and even challenged. Remember, too, that pacing is not
something to attend to only in the beginning. It is an ebb and flow of
reading the couple and adjusting interventions to attend more to the
relationship or increase the energy of a session with more challenging
work. This constant assessment and adjustment determine the security
of the counseling environment for deeper, vulnerable work.
Now, onto the flow of pacing. Flow refers to how the counselor uses
time and invests energy between each participant. I like referencing this
as flow; words like “balance” imply that time and energy given to each
participant must be equal. This assumes participants enter counseling
with the same needs and skill sets. This is never the case. Each member
of a couple must embark on their own work for the relationship and
some participants require more energy than others. Instead of attempt-
ing to achieve equivalence of time and attention, mindfully set the flow
of energy from the counselor to each participant according to how it
will benefit the relationship most. The key here is to be aware of how
you pace your time and energy between the two, and follow up on the
implications of this division. There may be repair work to do with
participants who resent receiving intense focus during a session. On the
other hand, participants may also feel ignored and pushed aside while
their partner is engaged. When repair is necessary after reactions to the
direction and intensity of flow, I recommend using immediacy, trans-
parency, and encouragement. Name what has happened with the pace of
the flow, recognize the impact of the flow on participants, and share
your intentions and future goals for how energy will be directed in
future sessions. The last exchange in our session with Joel and Lisa held
the flow and depth of pacing more intensely with Joel. To follow that
up, a counselor can move into efforts of transparency, immediacy, and
encouragement with an exchange like this:
C: “You’ll notice as we work that the intensity of focus will shift

between you both. Today, I held a lot of focus with you, Joel. This
pacing can be uncomfortable for you both, I know. Lisa, wanting
to be heard, and perhaps you, Joel, looking for some relief.”
J: “Ya,” smiling, “Lisa gets a turn next week, right?”
C: “Yes, and then you’ll get to experience the discomfort of holding

back and attending, and Lisa, you’ll do some more exploration. I
guess the key thing to remember is no one has an easy job in all of
this.”
L: “Well, I’ll be ready.”
C: “Great. In both cases I want to acknowledge your work: Lisa,
giving Joel space and attending, and Joel, offering some deeper
personal insights. By accepting this flow, you’ve begun to change
exchanges in your relationship. This is excellent and I know takes
patience and perseverance.”
L: Nods.
C: “You can count on me to have your relationship at the forefront.
That doesn’t mean everyone’s airtime here will be ‘even.’ And I
will be thoughtful about it. If the intensity of focus begins to be
counterproductive for you, I hope you’ll let me know.”
Pacing requires frequent attentiveness to subtle (and sometimes not

so subtle) messages participants send about the strength of your rapport.
Stay attuned to cues about your relationship with participants. As this
bond strengthens, so does the freedom for range and depth in your
pacing. Participants will give you cues: defensiveness, resistance, risk
taking, vulnerability. Read these to assess your bond, make repairs when
necessary, and engineer the utility of your pace.
Encouragement
Even when couples are making progress, they can become so stuck in
narratives of despair and neglect that things going well are unnoticed.
Here, counselors have a responsibility to point out exceptions to
dominant negative narratives and encourage the positive changes often
28 HOLD
overlooked. Encouragement declares value for the changes and hard

work couples are doing and serves to motivate future change. For
encouragement to avoid patronizing tones and overly positive perspec-
tives, it is best used with immediacy when witnessing new behavior.
One of the most important jobs of the counselor is to bear witness and
notice when compassion, risk taking, and connection are present and
then call attention to it. When practicing encouragement in session, use
yourself as a tool. Encouragement as self-disclosure is an excellent way
to share thoughts with couples about what they are doing, its impact on
you, and the impact you witness them having on one another. The more
specific and immediate your encouragement can be, the better. From
the very beginning, notice what couples are doing well and tell them
about it. Here are a few examples:
• “Your both being here is an encouraging step in the right direction.

You have both showed up for each other today, and that shows a bit
of hope for change. I want you to recognize that you both have hope
for your relationship today.”
• “I watched you soften as she expressed some of her sadness. There’s
still a part of you that is ready to hear her at her most vulnerable, and
she is still taking the risk to express it. That you’re both still doing
this is huge. This is what fosters connection.”
• “I know this anger and frustration is difficult for your relationship to
hold. And the fact remains that, although your relationship is tired, it
is still holding it. And you’re both expressing yourselves so authenti-
cally. This is exactly where we need to begin, and we’re at a great
starting point. You being so genuine with each other is a great
advantage.”
Helping couples see that all is not lost, that you realize potential, and
that change is possible is a powerful thing. Encouraging their work is a
protective factor for later trials and reminds couples of their strengths.
Encouragement is really about instilling hope. When you see a couple
persevere, make attempts, stay committed to the process – notice. Tell
them you see them. Tell them you recognize their commitment. Tell
them that showing up and trying is meaningful. And remember, unless
your encouragement comes from a genuine and authentic place, don’t
offer it. It is incredibly easy to pick up on inauthentic encouragement

and it is not worth losing your credibility. Believe in the encouragement
you offer, and the couple will too.
Some Final Thoughts on Setting a Foundation

Building rapport with each participant is at the heart of a solid
counseling foundation. This rapport, however, must be built in the
context of focusing on the relationship as client and defining problems
systemically. If the problem, or the burden of being identified as the
client, is located squarely on one participant, the flow of rapport will be
upset and a larger focus on the couple relationship will be lost. In
addition to solid rapport, counselors are also responsible for establishing
norms that demonstrate commitment and strength to hold a couple’s
struggles and direct them toward change. Helping couples come to
expect interventions that block old patterns and unhelpful exchanges is
critical. Setting the stage to protect the work done in session is also
essential: clarity of confidentiality, establishing boundaries outside of the
session, intentional pacing, and encouragement all set the stage for the
effectiveness of later work. With a solid foundation of rapport and
norms that ready couples for the work ahead, participants will be
prepared to begin processes of discovery.
PART II
DISCOVER
2
KNOWING ONE’S SELF
When counseling individuals, a common teaching is to hold the focus

with them, find the common denominator of their difficulties, and act
as a mirror to reveal the personal patterns maintaining their distress.
In couples counseling, however, counselors encounter participants
eager to hold the focus on their partner, not themselves. Each
member of the couple puts more energy into airing their grievances
than initiating self-awareness. As grievances are exchanged, counselors
may easily find themselves swayed into alliance with one member over
the other and acting more as a referee than a mirror. This chapter
introduces the skills necessary to produce self-awareness for each
participant in the context of couples counseling. From establishing
norms of looking inward first, to the value of rapport, the transforma-
tive power of feeling reflections, and the art of stating patterns, this
chapter encapsulates the value of intrapersonal awareness and how to
best cultivate it.
Coming to know yourself is ultimately about having awareness of
how you operate in the world; the common threads of thoughts and
behaviors, the driving forces behind choices and values. These ways
of being are like old, familiar friends. Our patterns are comfortable,
34 DISCOVER
predictable, ingrained, and not always helpful. Coming to know one’s

self is about arriving at an awareness of intrapersonal patterns that
undergird our interactions, choices, values, sense of self, and naviga-
tion of the world. The bottom line is that everyone has patterns that
come to define them. Counseling is a place to become aware of these
patterns.
Let’s look at the case of Joel and Lisa. When conceptualizing their
personal patterns, Joel’s approach to resolving conflict in the family is
to work harder and provide more. The value of working hard as an
electrician and maintaining the role of provider, while beneficial to his
family, also supports a pattern of avoiding conflict by withdrawing and
disengaging through work. Lisa, it would stand to reason, has taken on
the role of the emotional epicenter for the family, and in times of
loneliness pursues central connections with her family of origin and
perhaps her children, building alliances and seeking validation for her
loneliness. Yet, when seeking connection with Joel, her response is to
pursue with criticism. When they enter counseling, both are experts
on the other’s pattern, but not their own. To foster a discovery of
personal patterns, counselors must establish a norm of looking inward
first.
Looking Inward First

Being in relationship with someone grants you entry into their world;
their strengths, flaws, fears, joys, and idiosyncrasies. Coming to know
someone intimately allows access to pieces of them little to no one is
privy to. Though both delightful and exasperating, one thing is certain:
partners learn about what they adore in one another and become
acquainted with what they long to change. When energy is focused
intensely on one’s partner (as it often is when couples enter counsel-
ing), self-awareness can easily drop off the radar. Moving a couple
toward self-reflection first is no easy task. Expect that each participant
wants their experience validated; expect that both are searching for an
ally to affirm their difficulties; even expect that each will be content
asking their partner to initiate change to restore the relationship. After
the first 10 minutes of a session it is easy to imagine the running
internal dialogues of a couple: “If only he would . . . our relationship
Another random document with
no related content on Scribd:
The Project Gutenberg eBook of The power and
the glory
This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States
and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no
restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it
under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this
ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the
United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where
you are located before using this eBook.
Title: The power and the glory
Author: Henry Kuttner
Release date: June 29, 2022 [eBook #68425]
Language: English
Original publication: United States: Standard Magazines, Inc, 1947
Credits: Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan, Alex White & the online
Distributed Proofreaders Canada team at
https://www.pgdpcanada.net
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE POWER

AND THE GLORY ***
The Power and the Glory
By HENRY KUTTNER
[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
Thrilling Wonder Stories, December 1947.
Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
CHAPTER I
Transmutation
Carrying the coffee-pot, the Belgian shuffled out of the room. The
door thumped behind him. Miller met Slade’s inquiring stare and
shrugged.
“So he’s crazy,” Miller said.
Slade drew down the corners of his thin mouth. “Maybe he is. But
I’ve got other sources of information, remember. I’m sure there’s—
something—up on Peak Seven Hundred. Something plenty valuable.
You’re going to find it for me.” His teeth clicked on the last word.
“Am I?” Miller said sourly.
“Suit yourself. Anytime you feel like it you can go back to the
States.” There was a threat in the way he said it.
Miller said, “Sure. And then you send a few telegrams . . . It was
a sweet little frame you fixed up on me. A murder rap—”
“Well,” Slade interrupted, “that happened to be a frame. I’ve got
to protect myself, though, in case you ever want to turn State’s
evidence.”
“I’ve done your dirty work for ten years,” Miller growled. “It’s too
late now to try crossing you up. But we’re both guilty of one particular
murder, Slade. A guy named Miller who was an honest lawyer, ten
years ago. I feel sorry for the poor sucker.”
Slade’s strong, implacable face turned away from him.
“The man with the gun has the advantage. Up on Peak Seven
Hundred there’s the biggest gun in the world—I think. Something’s
sending out terrific power-radiations. I’m no scientist, but I’ve got
men working for me who are. If I can get that—weapon—from the
Peak, I can write my own ticket.”
Miller looked at him curiously. He had to admit Slade’s strength,
his powerful will. Head of a slightly criminal and completely
unscrupulous political empire for a decade now, Slade was growing
restive, reaching out for new worlds to conquer.
Word of this power-source on the peak in Alaska had sounded
fantastic even back in the States but it seemed to fascinate Slade,
who could afford to indulge his whims. And he could afford to trust
Miller—to a certain extent. Miller was in Slade’s hands and knew it.
They both looked up as the Belgian came back into the room,
carrying a fresh bottle of whiskey. Van Hornung was drunk and well
aware of his own drunkenness. He peered at them from under the
huge fur cap he wore even indoors.
“Could man be drunk forever with liquor, love and fights—” he
murmured, hooking out a chair with his foot. “Ah well, it doesn’t
matter now. Have another drink, gentlemen.”
Miller glanced at Slade, then leaned forward across the table.
“About Peak Seven Hundred, now,” he said. “I wish you’d—”
The Belgian slapped a fat hand on the table. “You ask me about
Seven Hundred. Very well, then—listen. I would not tell you before—
I did not wish you to die. Now I am drunker and, I think, wiser. It does
not matter whether a man lives or dies.
“For twenty years I have been neither alive nor dead. I have not
thought nor felt emotion nor lived like a man. I have eaten and drunk
and tried to forget. If you wish to go to the Peak I’ll tell you the way.
It’s all quite futile, you see.”
He drank. Miller and Slade exchanged glances in silence.
“If you go,” Van Hornung said, “you will leave your soul behind
you—as I did. We are not the dominant race, you see. We try to
achieve the summits but we forget that there may already be
dwellers on the peaks. Oh yes, I will tell you the way to the Peak if
you like. But if you live you will not care about anything any more.”
Miller glanced again at Slade, who gestured impatiently.
“I’ll take a chance on that,” Miller said to the Belgian. “Tell me the
way.”
In the dim twilight of the arctic noon Miller followed his Innuit
guides up the snowy foothills toward Seven Hundred. For many days
they had traveled, deeper and deeper into this dry, sub-zero silence,
muffled in snow. The guides were nervous. They knew their arctic
gods, animistic, watchful, resented intrusion into sacred areas like
Peak Seven Hundred. In their fur-hooded Esquimaux faces oriental
eyes watched Miller mistrustfully.
He was carrying his gun now. Two of the Innuits had deserted
already, in the depths of the long nights. These two remained and
hated him, and went on only because their fear of his gun was
greater—so far—than their fear of the gods on Seven Hundred.
The Peak lifted great sheer cliffs almost overhead. There was no
visible way of scaling it. But the Innuits were hurrying ahead as if
they had already sighted a clearly marked trail. Miller quickened his
steps, a vague uneasiness beginning to stir in his mind.
Then the foremost Esquimau dropped to his knees and began to
scrabble in the snow. Miller shouted, hearing his own voice come
back thin and hollow from the answering peaks. But when he
reached the two, one of them looked up over his furclad shoulder
and smiled a grim smile. In his native tongue he spoke one of the
strange compound words that can convey a whole sentence.
“Ariartokasuaromarotit-tog,” he said. “Thou too wilt soon go
quickly away.” There was threat and warning and satisfaction in the
way he said it. His fur mitten patted something in the snow.
Miller bent to look. An iridescent pathway lay there, curving up
around a boulder and out of sight, rough crystal surfaces that caught
the light with red and blue shadows. Here in the white, silent world of
the high peaks it looked very beautiful and strange. Miller knelt and
ran a gloved hand over it, feeling even through the leather a slight
tingling. . . .
“Erubescite!” he murmured to himself, and smiled. It meant
copper, perhaps gold. And it was an old vein. The color spoke of long
exposure. There was nothing strange about finding a vein of
erubescite in the mountains—the interpenetrating cubes twinned on
an octahedral plane were common enough in certain mining regions.
Still, the regularity of the thing was odd. And that curious tingling. . . .
It looked like a path.
The Innuits were watching him expectantly. Moving with caution,
Miller stepped forward and set his foot on the path. It was uneven,
difficult to balance on. He took two or three steps along the
iridescent purple slope, and then. . . .
And then he was moving smoothly upward, involuntarily,
irresistibly. There was a strange feeling in his feet and up the long
muscles at the back of his legs. And the mountain was sliding away
below him. Peaks, snow-slopes, fur-clad men all slipped quietly off
down the mountainside, while at Miller’s feet a curving ribbon of
iridescence lengthened away.
“I’m dreaming!” was his first thought. And his head spun with the
strange new motion so that he staggered—and could not fall. That
tingling up his legs was more than a nervous reaction, it was a
permeation of the tissues.
“Transmutation!” he thought wildly, and clutched in desperation at
the slipping fabric of his own reason. “The road’s moving,” he told
himself as calmly as he could. “I’m fixed to it somehow.
Transmutation? Why did I think of transmutation? I can’t move my
feet or legs—they feel like stone—like the substance of the road.”
The changing of one element into another—lead into gold, flesh
into stone . . . The Innuits had known. Far away he could see the
diminishing dots that were his guides slide around a curve and
vanish. He gestured helplessly, finding even his arms growing heavy,
as if that strange atomic transmutation were spreading higher and
higher through his body.
Powerless, one with the sliding path, he surrendered himself
without a struggle to that mounting glide. Something stronger than
himself had him in a grip that seemed purposeful. He could only wait
and . . . it was growing difficult to think. Perhaps the change was
reaching to his brain by now. He couldn’t tell.
He only knew that for a timeless period thereafter he did not think
any more about anything. . . .
Thin laughter echoed through his mind. A man’s voice said, “But I
am bored, Tsi. Besides, he won’t be hurt—much. Or if he is, what
does it matter?”
Miller was floating in a dark void. There was a strangeness about
the voice he could not analyze. He heard a woman answer and in
her tone was a curious likeness to the man’s.
“Don’t, Brann,” she said. “You can find other—amusements.”
The high laughter came again. “But he’s still new. It should be
interesting.”
“Brann, please let him go.”
“Be silent, Tsi. I’m master here. Is he awake yet?”
A pause. “No, not yet. Not for a while yet.”
“I can wait.” The man sighed. “I’ve preparations to make, anyhow.
Let’s go, Tsi.”
There was a long, long pause. The voices were still.
Miller knew he was floating in nothingness. He tried to move and
could not. Inertia still gripped his body but his brain was free and
functioning with a clarity that surprised him. It was almost as if that
strange transmutation had changed his very brain-tissues to
something new and marvelous.
“Transmutation,” he thought. “Lead into gold—flesh into stone—
that’s what I was thinking about when—when I stopped thinking.
When that sort of change happens, it means the nuclear charge in
the atoms of one substance or the other has to change too. The
tingling when I touched the road—was that when it happened?”
But he paused there, knowing there was no answer. For when
had a man ever before felt the shifting from flesh to crystal take
place in his own body?
If it had happened that way, then it must have been a force like
the coulomb forces themselves that welded him into one with the
moving road—the all but irresistible forces that hold the electrons in
their orbits and rivet all creation into a whole.
And now—what?
“There are two methods of transmutation,” he told himself clearly,
lying there in the dark and groping for some answer to the thing that
was happening to him.
“Rationalize it,” his mind seemed to say, “or you’ll go mad with
sheer uncertainty. Reason it out from what you know. A chemical
element is determined by the number of electrons around the
nucleus—change that and you change the element. But the nucleus,
in turn, determines by its charge the number of electrons it can
control. If the nuclear charge is changed, then this—this crystalline
state—is permanent.
“But if it isn’t, then that must mean there’s constant bombardment
that knocks off or adds electrons to whatever touches that road. The
change wouldn’t be permanent because the original charge of the
nucleus remains constant. After awhile the extra electrons would be
dropped, or others captured to restore the balance, and I’d be
normal again. That must be the way of it,” he told himself, “because
Van Hornung came this way. And he went back again—normal. Or
was he really normal?”
The question echoed without answer in his brain. Miller lay quiet
a moment longer and then began to try once more to stir his inert
body. This time, a very little, he felt muscles move. . . .
What seemed a long while later, he found he could open his
eyes. Very cautiously he looked around.
CHAPTER II
Tsi
He was alone. He lay on something hard and flat. A dome of
crystal arched overhead, not very high, so that he seemed in effect
to lie in a box of crystal—a coffin, he thought grimly, and sat up with
brittle care. His muscles felt as stiff as if the substance of the
iridescent roadway still permeated his flesh.
The dome seemed to have strange properties, for all he saw
through it was curiously distorted and colored with such richness it
almost hurt the eyes to gaze upon what lay beyond.
He saw columns of golden trees upon which leaves moved and
glittered in constantly changing prisms of light. Something like smoke
seemed to wreathe slowly among the trees, colored incredibly. Seen
through the dome about him the color of the smoke was nameless.
No man ever saw that hue before nor gave a name to it.
The slab on which he sat was the iridescent purple of the road. If
it had carried him here, he saw no obvious way in which it could
have left him lying on the crystal coffin. Yet, clearly, this was the end
of the moving roadway and, clearly too, the forces which had welded
him to it were gone now.
The unstable atoms created in the grip of that strange force had
shaken off their abnormality and reverted to their original form. He
was himself again but stiff, dizzy and not sure whether he had
dreamed the voices. If he had, it was a nightmare. He shivered a
little, remembering the thin, inhuman laughter and its promise of
dreadful things.
He got up, very cautiously, looking around. As nearly as he could
tell through the distorting crystal there was no one near him. The
coffin stood in a grove of the golden trees and, except for the mist
and the twinkling leaves, nothing moved. He put out a tentative hand
to push the crystal up.
His hand went through it. There was a tinkling like high music,
ineffably sweet, and the crystal flew into glittering fragments that fell
to the ground in a second rain of sound. The beauty of it for a
moment was almost pain. He had never heard such music before. It
was almost more beautiful than any human being should be allowed
to hear, he thought confusedly. There are sensations so keen they
can put too great a strain upon human nerves.
Then he stood there unprotected by the dome and looked around
him at the trees and the mist and saw that the dome had made no
difference. These incredible colors were no distortions—they were
real. He took a tentative step and found the grass underfoot so soft
that even through his shoe-soles he could feel its caress.
The very air was exquisitely cool and hushed, like the air of a
summer dawn, almost liquid in its translucence. Through it the
winking of the prism-leaves was so lovely to look at that he turned
his eyes away, unable to endure the sight for more than a moment.
This was hallucination. “I’m still somewhere back there in the
snow,” he thought. “Delirium—that’s it. I’m imagining this.” But if it
were a dream, then Van Hornung had known it too, and men do not
dream identical dreams. The Belgian had warned him.
He shook his shoulders impatiently. Even with all this before him
he could not quite bring himself to believe Van Hornung’s story.
There was a quality of dream about this landscape, as if all he saw
were not in reality what it seemed, as if this grass of ineffable
softness were—and he knew it was—only crusted snow, as if those
cliffs he could glimpse among the trees were really the bare crags of
Peak Seven Hundred, and everything else delirium. He felt uneasily
that he was really lying somewhere asleep in the snow, and must
wake soon, before he froze.
That high, thin laughter rang suddenly through the air. In spite of
himself Miller felt his heart lurch and he whirled to face the sound
with a feeling of cold terror congealing him. It was odd how
frightening the careless voice had been, talking impersonally of its
pleasures.
A little group of men and women was coming toward him through
the trees. He could not guess which of them had laughed the familiar
laughter. They wore brilliantly colored garments of a subtle cut that
hung like a toga or a sari, with a wonderful sophistication of line. The
colors were incredible.
Miller blinked dazedly, trying in vain to find names for those
shimmering hues that seemed to combine known colors into utterly
unknown gradations and to draw from the range of colors above and
below the spectrum as we see it.
A women said, “Oh, he’s awake,” and a man laughed pleasantly
and said, “Look how surprised he is!” All of them smiled and turned
bright, amused faces to Miller.
He said something—he never remembered what—and stopped
in sheer shock at the harsh dissonance of his own voice. It was like
an ugly discord tearing through smooth, lilting arpeggios of harmony.
The faces of the others went blank briefly, as though they had
concentrated on something else to avoid hearing the sound. The
woman Miller had first noticed lifted her hand.
“Wait,” she said. “Listen to me, for a moment. There is no need to
speak—aloud.” A faint distaste was in her tone. Her . . . tone? That
could not be right. No voice was ever so sweetly musical, so gently
harmonious.
Miller looked at her. Her face was a small pale triangle, lovely and
elfin and strange, with enormous violet eyes and piled masses of
hair that seemed to flow in winding strands through one another.
Each strand was of a different pastel hue, dusty green or pale
amethyst or the yellow of sunshine on a hazy morning. It was so in
keeping, somehow, that Miller felt no surprise. That bizarre coiffure
fitted perfectly with the woman’s face.
He opened his mouth again, but the woman—it shocked him a
little, and he wondered that it did not shock him even more—was
suddenly beside him. A split-second before she had been ten feet
away.
“You have much to learn,” she said. “First, though—remember
not to speak. It isn’t necessary. Simply frame your thoughts. There’s
a little trick to it. No—keep your mouth closed. Think. Think your
question.”
Her lips had moved slightly, but merely for emphasis. And surely
normal vocal cords could not have been capable of that unearthly
sweetness and evenness of tone, with its amazing variations and
nuances. Miller thought, “Telepathy. It must be telepathy.”
They waited, watching him inquiringly.
The woman said, silently, “Think—to me. Frame the thought more
carefully. The concepts must be rounded, complete. Later you may
use abstracts but you can’t do that yet. All I can read is a
cloudiness. . . .”
Miller thought carefully, word by word, “Is this telepathy?”
“Still cloudiness,” she said. “But it’s clearer now. You were never
used to clear thinking. Yes, it is telepathy.”
“But how can I—where am I? What is this place?”
She smiled at him, and laughter moved through the group. “More
slowly. Remember, you have just been born.”
“Just—what?”
And thoughts seemed to fly past him like small bright insects,
grazing the edges of his consciousness. A half-mocking, friendly
thought from one of the men, a casual comment from another.
Brann, Miller thought, remembering. What about Brann? Where
is he?
There was dead silence. He had never felt such stillness before.
It was of the mind, not physical. But he felt communication, super-
sensory, rapid and articulate, between the others. Abruptly the
rainbow-haired woman took his arm, while the others began to drift
off through the prism-leaves and the golden trees.
She pulled him gently away under the tinkling foliage, through the
drifts of colored mists. Brushing violet fog before them with her free
hand, she said, “We would rather not mention Brann here, if we can
avoid it. To speak of him sometimes—brings him. And Brann is in a
dangerous mood today.”
Miller looked at her with a frown of concentration. There was so
much to ask. In that strange mental tongue that was already coming
more easily to him, he said, “I don’t understand any of this. But I
know your voice. Or rather, your—I’m not sure what you’d call it.”
“The mental voice, you mean? Yes, you learn to recognize them.
It’s easy to imitate an audible voice but the mental one can’t be
imitated. It’s part of the person. So you remember hearing my
thoughts before? I thought you were asleep.”
“You’re Tsi.”
“Yes,” she said and pushed aside a tinkling screen of the prisms.
Before them stood a low rampart of light—or water. Four feet high, it
ran like liquid but it glowed like light. Beyond it was blue sky and a
sheer, dizzying drop to meadows hundreds of feet below. The whole
scene was almost blindingly vivid, every lovely detail standing out
sharp and clear and dazzling.
He said, “I don’t understand. There are legends about people up
here, but not about—this. This vividness. Who are you? What is this
place?”
Tsi smiled at him. There was warmth and compassion in the
smile, and she said gently, “This is what your race had once, and
lost. We’re very old, but we’ve kept—” Abruptly she paused, her
eyes brightening suddenly with a look of terror.
She said. “Hush!” and in the mental command there was a wave
of darkness and silence that seemed to blanket his mind. For no
reason his heart began to pound with nervous dread. They stood
there motionless for an instant, mind locked with mind in a stillness
that was more than absence of sound—it was absence of thought.
But through the silence Miller caught just the faintest echo of that
thin, tittering laugh he had heard before, instinct with cold, merciless
amusement.
The prism leaves sang around them with little musical tinklings.
From the sunlit void stretching far below bird-song rippled now and
then with a sweetness that was almost painful to hear. Then Tsi’s
mind relaxed its grip upon Miller’s and she sighed softly.
“It’s all right now. For a moment I thought Brann . . . but no, he’s
gone again.”
“Who is Brann?” Miller demanded.
“The lord of this castle. A very strange creature—very terrible
when his whims are thwarted. Brann is—he cares for nothing very
much. He lives only for pleasure and, because he’s lived so long and
exhausted so many pleasures, the devices he uses now are not very
—well, not very pleasant for anyone but Brann. There was a warp in
him before his birth, you see. He’s not quite—not quite of our breed.”
“He’s from the outside world? Human?” As he said it Miller knew
certainly that the woman before him was not human, not as he
understood the term.
But Tsi shook her head. “Oh, no. He was born here. He’s of our
breed. But not of our norm. A little above in many ways, a little below
in others. Your race—” there was faint distaste and pity in the
thought, but she let it die there, unelaborated.
“You can’t understand yet,” she went on. “Don’t try. You see, you
suffered a change when you came. You aren’t quite as you were
before. Were you ever able to communicate telepathically?”
“No, of course not. But I don’t feel any different. I—”
“A blind man, given sight, wouldn’t realize it until he opened his
eyes. And he might be dazzled at first. You’re at a disadvantage. I
think it would be best for you to get away. Look there, across the
valley.”
She lifted an arm to point. Far off across the dazzling meadows
hills rose, green in the sunlight, shimmering a little in the warm, clear
light. On the height of the highest a diamond glitter caught the sun.
“My sister,” Tsi said, “has that palace over there. I think Orelle
would take you in, if only to thwart Brann. You aren’t safe here. Fur
your sake, it was a pity the port of entry you reached was here in
Brann’s castle.”
“There have been others, then?” Miller asked. “A man named
Van Hornung—did he come here?”
She shook her head, the rainbow hair catching the sunlight. “Not
here. There are many castles in our land and most of them live at
peace within and without. But not Brann’s.”
“Then why are you here?” Miller asked bluntly.
She smiled an unhappy smile. “Most of us came because we felt
as Brann does—we did not care very much any more. We wanted to
follow our pleasures, being tired of other pursuits after so many
thousands of years. All except me.”
“Thousands of. . . . What do you mean? Why are you here then?”
Her mouth turned down at the corners in a rueful smile.
“Well—perhaps I too was warped before birth. I can’t leave Brann
now. He needs me. That doesn’t matter to you. Brann’s dangerous—
his heart is set on—on experiments that will need you to complete.
We won’t talk about that.”
Miller said, “I came here for a purpose.”
“I know. I read part of your mind while you lay asleep. You’re
hunting for a treasure. We have it. Or perhaps I should say Orelle
has it.” The violet eyes darkened. She hesitated.
“Perhaps I’m sending you to Orelle for a purpose,” she said. “You
can do me a great service there—and yourself too. That treasure
you seek is—should be partly mine. You think of it as a power-
source. To me it’s a doorway into something better than any of us
knows. . . .
“Our father made it, long ago. Orelle has it now, though by rights
she and I should share it. If you find a way to get that treasure, my
friend, will you bring it to me?”
Long-grooved habit-patterns in Miller’s mind made him say
automatically, “And if I do?”
She smiled. “If you don’t,” she said, “Brann will have you sooner
or later. If I can get it I think I can—control Brann. If I can’t—well, you
will be the first sufferer. I think you know that. You’ll do well to
persuade Orelle if you can. Now—I’ve made a bargain with Brann.
Don’t ask me what. You may learn, later.
“Go to Orelle, watch your chance and be wary. If you ask for the
treasure you’ll never get near it. Better not to speak of it but wait and
watch. No one can read your mind unless you will it, now that you’re
learning telepathy, but watch too that you let nothing slip from your
thoughts to warn her.”
“You want me to take her hospitality and then rob her?”
Distress showed in Tsi’s face. “Oh, no! I ask only what’s mine,
and even that only for long enough to control Brann. Then you may
return the treasure to Orelle or strike a bargain with her over it. Five
minutes with that in my hands is all I ask! Now here is something I’ve
made for you out of your own possession. Hold out your wrist.”
Staring, he obeyed. She unclosed her hand to show him his
wristwatch in her palm. Smiling, she buckled the strap around his
arm. “It isn’t quite as it was. I changed it. If you need me concentrate
on this and speak to me in your mind. I’ll hear.”
There were countless questions still unasked. Miller took a deep
breath and began to formulate them in his mind. And then—Tsi
vanished! The earth was gone from underfoot and he spun through
golden emptiness, dropping, falling. The water-wall hung beneath
him. He floated in midair a hundred feet above the crag-bordered
stream at the cliffs bottom!
Panic struck him. Then Tsi’s reassuring thought said, “You are
safe. This is teleportation.”
He scarcely heard. An age-old instinctive fear chilled his middle.
For a million years men have been afraid of falling. He could not now
control that fear.
Slowly he began to drop. He lost sight of Tsi and the golden trees
and then of the water-wall.
Under him the stream broadened.
He sank down at an angle—and felt solid ground beneath his
feet.
There was silence except for the whispering murmur of the
stream.
CHAPTER III
The World That Couldn’t Be
Miller sat down on a rock and held his head in his hands. His
thoughts were swimming. Cold, fresh air blew against his cheeks
and he raised his face to meet that satisfying chill. It seemed to
rouse him. He began to realize that he had been half asleep during
the interview with Tsi, as though the mists of his slumber had still
blanketed his senses. Otherwise he would scarcely have accepted
this miraculous business.
Or was there another reason?
He felt a desperate impulse to see Tsi again. She could answer
his questions, if she would. And she had been the first friendly face
he had seen in this terribly strange land.
He looked up and willed himself to rise.
Impossible, of course. My own bootstraps, he thought, with a wild
sort of amusement. Were his feet pressing less heavily on the rock
beneath him?
And then, from above, came a high, thin laughter that was not
truly audible—Brann!
Even before the mental voice came, that malicious, slow thought
sent its familiar radiations before it. Something as recognizable as
sound or color—more so!—fell down the cliff and crept coldly into
Miller’s brain. He knew that unheard voice.
“You had better not come up,” it said.
Miller stood motionless, waiting. Instinctively he had fallen into
the fighter’s crouch. But how useless ordinary precautions would be
against this super-being!
He tried to close his mind.
“Go to Orelle, then,” it said. “I’ve made my bargain with Tsi and I’ll
keep it. But she’s a fool. She always tries to close her mind to
unpleasant things. She’ll never really admit we’re at war with her
sister. As long as she doesn’t name it war, she thinks it’s something
else.”
Again the high laughter.

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Ebook Strong Couples Basic Skills That Elicit Connection and Transform Relationships 1St Edition Kirsten Winther Murray Online PDF All Chapter

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Strong Couples Basic Skills that Elicit

Connection and Transform

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A Couple State of Mind Psychoanalysis of Couples and

Basic Building and Construction Skills Richard Moran

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Basic Surgical Skills: An Illustrated Guide 1st Edition

Kirsten Winther Murray, PhD, LPC is Associate Professor of Counse-

Basic Skills that Elicit Connection

Kirsten Winther Murray

The Case of Joel and Lisa 3

1 Setting the Foundations for Couples Counseling 7

Part II. Discover 31

2 Knowing One’s Self 33

3 Histories and Contexts of Relating: Understanding Family

Part III. Change 89

4 Genuine and Authentic Engagement 91

5 Responsiveness and Vulnerability 119

6 Sharing Responsibility and Modeling Transformation 153

7 Valuing One Another and the Relationship 177

Part IV. Integrate 197

8 Considerations for Application 199

integration of therapeutic techniques to fully realize this process. To this

When creating a counseling environment to address the needs of

Re-Deﬁning the Client and the Problem

Joel: Nods head.

C: “Great. I’ll be reminding us of this from time to time so

J: “Well, it was pretty clear that when we were together in

L: To Counselor, gesturing to Joel, “See, this is what I’m

L: “To get my husband more invested.”

C: “It’s my job to be on your relationship’s side now and

you. I want to learn about your experience in your

In this example the Counselor redirects attention back to the relation-

C: “So when I mentioned loneliness, that seemed to strike a chord

C: To Lisa, “I’d like to share a hunch with you.”

C: “Lisa, I see your loneliness right now.”

C: Holds ﬁnger up toward Joel indicating “just a minute,” and

J: “Look, I work really hard. Her loneliness is not my problem.”

C: “When we started, you mentioned the problem in your marriage is

J: “Sure, I mean, you’ve seen it. I basically get picked apart.”

C: “So if being in a relationship means being criticized, you’d rather

C: “Seems that hurt is driving a lot of the dance in your relationship.

In this example, the Counselor moves from establishing empathy

explore such a vulnerable position is minimal, and he quickly moves

of relationship patterns. Further, working through a couple’s old patterns

C: “Given our exchanges so far, I’m wondering if seeing each other’s

C: “So Joel, I hear that withdrawal come up a number of times as you

L: “Does he have any idea how he treats ME?!”

L: Rolls her eyes.

C: “Lisa, do you agree? Joel is pretty good at keeping his feelings to

L: “Well, he’s pretty quick to tell me what I’m doing wrong.”

L: “I tell him how –”

J: “Ya, I just want to be appreciated.”

C: “Lisa, learning what Joel wants, is this new information?”

As seen here, blocking can be about both stopping couples’ patterns

questioning on this front a part of your internal dialogue: how is sexism

• “Each time I work to stop patterns of criticism, you hold on so

Utilizing immediacy strengthens blocking eﬀorts in sessions. Immediacy

• “You spend so much energy working to be heard. There is such a

By acknowledging participant experiences, needs, and emotions in the