At A Dreamwalkers Mercy K.B.

Barrett
Visit to download the full and correct content document:
https://ebookmeta.com/product/at-a-dreamwalkers-mercy-k-b-barrett/
More products digital (pdf, epub, mobi) instant
download maybe you interests ...

At His Mercy Masters Club 1 1st Edition Claire Thompson

https://ebookmeta.com/product/at-his-mercy-masters-club-1-1st-
edition-claire-thompson/

Our First Christmas 1st Edition L.M. Reid & K.B.

Barrett & D.M. Davis & Dl Gallie & May Gordon &
Lisamarie Kade & Harlow Layne & Katie Rae & Kate
Randall & Vi Summers
https://ebookmeta.com/product/our-first-christmas-1st-edition-l-
m-reid-k-b-barrett-d-m-davis-dl-gallie-may-gordon-lisamarie-kade-
harlow-layne-katie-rae-kate-randall-vi-summers/

Mercy Michelle Larkin

https://ebookmeta.com/product/mercy-michelle-larkin/

Diary of a Dismissed Delegate Public Good at the Mercy

of Bureaucracy and Sycophancy in Cameroon 1st Edition
George Ngwane

https://ebookmeta.com/product/diary-of-a-dismissed-delegate-
public-good-at-the-mercy-of-bureaucracy-and-sycophancy-in-
cameroon-1st-edition-george-ngwane/
ACT Prep Black Book Second Edition Mike Barrett Patrick
Barrett

https://ebookmeta.com/product/act-prep-black-book-second-edition-
mike-barrett-patrick-barrett/

Efficient Linux at the Command Line: Boost Your

Command-Line Skills 1st Edition Daniel J. Barrett

https://ebookmeta.com/product/efficient-linux-at-the-command-
line-boost-your-command-line-skills-1st-edition-daniel-j-barrett/

Danger in the Wind 1st Edition Judith A Barrett

https://ebookmeta.com/product/danger-in-the-wind-1st-edition-
judith-a-barrett/

The Miracle of Mercy Land A Novel 1st Edition River

Jordan

https://ebookmeta.com/product/the-miracle-of-mercy-land-a-
novel-1st-edition-river-jordan/

The Quality of Mercy Barry Unsworth

https://ebookmeta.com/product/the-quality-of-mercy-barry-
unsworth/
Copyright © 2022 by K.B. Barrett

Cover Art by K.B. Designs

Edited by Nice Girl Naughty Edits

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, stored, or transmitted in any form or by any means,
including photocopying, recording, electronic, scanning, screenshots, or other electronic or mechanical methods. It is illegal to copy this
book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without prior permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations
embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to
actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

Send Inquiries to:

Po Box 1788 CoosBay Oregon 97420

womanofwords@authorkbbarrett.com
Copyright © 2022 by K.B. Barrett

Cover Art by K.B. Designs

Edited by Nice Girl Naughty Edits

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, stored, or transmitted in any form or by any means,
including photocopying, recording, electronic, scanning, screenshots, or other electronic or mechanical methods. It is illegal to copy this
book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without prior permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations
embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to
actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

Send Inquiries to:

Po Box 1788 CoosBay Oregon 97420

womanofwords@authorkbbarrett.com
 ALSO BY K.B. BARRETT
‘I FOUND YOU SERIES’ NOVELS
Everything I Need
Anything For You
Nothing Without You
Something About You
Breathing For Her (Novella)
‘MOUNTIAN ROADS’ NOVELS
Saved by the Mountain Man (prequel)
The Twisted Roads Home
What Drives Us Home
The Road to Finding Home
Traveling the Snowy Road Home
The Place that I Call Home
The Long Road Up the Mountain
Searching for a Road Home
STANDALONE NOVELS
Home Across the Endless Waters (Coming Soon)
At A Dreamwalkers Mercy
 ALSO BY K.B. BARRETT
‘I FOUND YOU SERIES’ NOVELS
Everything I Need
Anything For You
Nothing Without You
Something About You
Breathing For Her (Novella)
‘MOUNTIAN ROADS’ NOVELS
Saved by the Mountain Man (prequel)
The Twisted Roads Home
What Drives Us Home
The Road to Finding Home
Traveling the Snowy Road Home
The Place that I Call Home
The Long Road Up the Mountain
Searching for a Road Home
STANDALONE NOVELS
Home Across the Endless Waters (Coming Soon)
At A Dreamwalkers Mercy
 Prologue
Mercy

ou really shouldn’t do that,” she murmured to her friend Martha, as she reached in the fish tank
Y that the teacher had set up.
“Why?” Carla asked, scrunching up her nose.
“I don’t know why? Juz that you really shoun’t.” Carla gave her one weird look, then went back to
fishing with her hand in the tank.
She couldn’t explain why she knew things that others didn’t. Like when last week her teacher had
said that she needed to run out and grab something from the supply closet, she had immediately known
that Mrs. Crothers was going to slip and fall. She had spoken up, of course, the class looking at her
bewilderedly, and Mrs. Crothers had told her to sit down.
Later that day, she had been called in to the principal’s office, asking why she had thought that Mrs.
Crothers shouldn’t have gone down that particular hallway.
Suddenly teachers were looking at her with weird expressions, and her momma had told her that
she needed to keep her mouth shut when it came to things like that. But she didn’t want to see her only
friend get hurt. “I can do what I want,” Carla said haughtily, cringing as the puffer fish came around
one of the floating seaweed plants and latched onto her finger.
Carla let out a screech that had several teachers rushing into the room and chaos ensuing.
That had been both the start and the end of her way of life.
That had been the day that her mother had packed her suitcase and dropped her off at a police
station and had driven away.
That had been the day that she had learned the very painful lesson that being a freak wasn’t only
something that dictated how your life would go, but it dictated who you were.
 Prologue
Mercy

ou really shouldn’t do that,” she murmured to her friend Martha, as she reached in the fish tank
Y that the teacher had set up.
“Why?” Carla asked, scrunching up her nose.
“I don’t know why? Juz that you really shoun’t.” Carla gave her one weird look, then went back to
fishing with her hand in the tank.
She couldn’t explain why she knew things that others didn’t. Like when last week her teacher had
said that she needed to run out and grab something from the supply closet, she had immediately known
that Mrs. Crothers was going to slip and fall. She had spoken up, of course, the class looking at her
bewilderedly, and Mrs. Crothers had told her to sit down.
Later that day, she had been called in to the principal’s office, asking why she had thought that Mrs.
Crothers shouldn’t have gone down that particular hallway.
Suddenly teachers were looking at her with weird expressions, and her momma had told her that
she needed to keep her mouth shut when it came to things like that. But she didn’t want to see her only
friend get hurt. “I can do what I want,” Carla said haughtily, cringing as the puffer fish came around
one of the floating seaweed plants and latched onto her finger.
Carla let out a screech that had several teachers rushing into the room and chaos ensuing.
That had been both the start and the end of her way of life.
That had been the day that her mother had packed her suitcase and dropped her off at a police
station and had driven away.
That had been the day that she had learned the very painful lesson that being a freak wasn’t only
something that dictated how your life would go, but it dictated who you were.
 Chapter 1
Garrett

s he walked down the sidewalk nonchalantly, he looked around as if he were a tourist.

A He supposed he was one of them, considering the fact that he didn’t live in this town.
He chuckled internally.
He hated tourist activities and the thought of him going to see the largest ketchup bottle, or walking
into some museum, was laughable.
“Grandma said that he should be down on the right,” his sister, Sara, muttered from next to him. He
nodded, even though she had said it more than once already, and gave her a side glance as she slipped
into a store like they had planned.
As he continued walking, he finally saw the man he had been looking for. His grandma, Eleanor,
had described him down to a tee, but she had also found a Facebook picture of him, so he hadn’t had
to feel like he was on a wild goose chase.
She had a more than just a sixth sense about things like this, and when she got a dream as clear as
she had a few nights ago, they had all learned to listen.
Right on track, as if grandmother’s dream was playing out in real life, he stepped to the side and
aimed his body so that when he walked by, and the man stood up at the exact same time, they collided
in a huge heap that had the coffee cups in the man’s hands flying in the air before splattering all over
both of them and the ground.
“Oh no!” the man cried out, clearly upset.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, not having to add in the smidge of sincerity, as he really did feel bad. He
was doing the man a favor, but still. He took a step back as the man squatted and picked up the now
empty coffee cups, and tried not to grimace at the wet squishing sound coming from his shoes.
“I’ve been all over the place this morning, and having to stop for coffee for the whole office put me
 off my game,” the man moaned, and he felt even worse.
“Come on. I’ll buy you a new cup,” he offered, but he knew the man would turn him down.
“No don’t worry about it.” The man waved over his shoulder, already headed back into the coffee
shop, but his job was done.
His sister sidled up to him and smirked at his grimace, as his shoes were fucking squeaking as they
made their way back to their car.
“Next time, you get the messy job,” he grumbled playfully at his sister, but she only frowned at him.
She was no fun lately.
“Suck it up. At least you have something to do outside of this,” she snapped as they slid into their
car, him in the front to drive, and her to the back seat, where she immediately pulled out a phone and
started texting, ignoring him.
Why did she even come if she was going to be a grump?
Their grandmother made it more than apparent that Sara didn’t have anything to do with their way
of life. She was more than able to take her trust fund and go see the world or do what made her happy,
ng
but Sara always shrugged them off.
She might have a bad attitude, but she continued to tag along, so he let it go. Maybe someday she
He
would figure out what she wanted in life.
ed
She was wrong, though outside of this, he didn’t have much. Sure, he had a job of making custom
furniture, he had a family, and he had his animals. But that was it.
or,
He was waiting.
ad
As he pulled away, he saw the man come out of the coffee shop with a new set of coffees, and he
smiled.
as
Sometimes it was the little things that made his job the best.
Sometimes It was believing in the mystique that helped the world run a little smoother.
nd
At least, that’s what he hoped.
ed
It’s what he and his grandmother had based their whole life on.
er
As they drove down another road, headed out of the city, they passed the car accident that the man
from the coffee shop would have been involved in. The one that would have left his three daughters
without a father, and he smiled again.
He
Today was shaping up to be a good day.
w

me
off my game,” the man moaned, and he felt even worse.
“Come on. I’ll buy you a new cup,” he offered, but he knew the man would turn him down.
“No don’t worry about it.” The man waved over his shoulder, already headed back into the coffee
shop, but his job was done.
His sister sidled up to him and smirked at his grimace, as his shoes were fucking squeaking as they
made their way back to their car.
“Next time, you get the messy job,” he grumbled playfully at his sister, but she only frowned at him.
She was no fun lately.
“Suck it up. At least you have something to do outside of this,” she snapped as they slid into their
car, him in the front to drive, and her to the back seat, where she immediately pulled out a phone and
started texting, ignoring him.
Why did she even come if she was going to be a grump?
Their grandmother made it more than apparent that Sara didn’t have anything to do with their way
of life. She was more than able to take her trust fund and go see the world or do what made her happy,
but Sara always shrugged them off.
She might have a bad attitude, but she continued to tag along, so he let it go. Maybe someday she
would figure out what she wanted in life.
She was wrong, though outside of this, he didn’t have much. Sure, he had a job of making custom
furniture, he had a family, and he had his animals. But that was it.
He was waiting.
As he pulled away, he saw the man come out of the coffee shop with a new set of coffees, and he
smiled.
Sometimes it was the little things that made his job the best.
Sometimes It was believing in the mystique that helped the world run a little smoother.
At least, that’s what he hoped.
It’s what he and his grandmother had based their whole life on.
As they drove down another road, headed out of the city, they passed the car accident that the man
from the coffee shop would have been involved in. The one that would have left his three daughters
without a father, and he smiled again.
Today was shaping up to be a good day.
 Chapter 2
Mercy

“W here are you!” she heard screamed, and she scrunched down farther into the hole between the
two boxes that she was trying to hide in, as her stomach growled at her.
I knew that I should have kept that orange from lunch.
It was sad when your life was filled with a bunch of decisions as to whether or not you have food.
But then again, that was just the kind of life fate had given her.
Nobody wanted a girl like her around.
Sure, she wasn’t all that bad to look at, but when things started moving around the house, or when
she knew just a bit too much about them, things that they hadn’t shared, it got scary fast.
Her parents hadn’t wanted her around.
Her many foster parents sure as crud didn’t want her around, so honestly, she was just happy to
have a place that she was… well, not wanted and not accepted, but at least they tolerated her.
“Get out here now!” her manager and boss, Chuck, screamed from the front of the tent that she was
trying to hide in. She scooched back even farther and silently cursed when the box behind her
creaked.
It was no use.
If Chuck wanted something, nothing was going to stop him.
Still hoping that she could hide just a little longer, she tucked her head between her legs and tried
to imagine a world where she was free of this cage and the nightmare that was her life.
Free of a world where she wasn’t in fear every day.
A world where he was there.
Her dream man.
“Fuck’s sake, girl,” Chuck snarled as he came around the corner and reached down to grab her arm,
 his fat, grubby fingers wrapping around her thin arm and squeezing as he pulled her up forcefully. Her
mind instantly went hazy and filled with images from his own mind, even as she tried to block them
out.
Evil, twisted things.
He dragged her out of the tent, oblivious to the pain in her head, as his thoughts and memories
started overtaking her thoughts, and she swallowed roughly, forcing the bile down her throat as her
body started to shake.
“I’ve got someone coming in. I need you to check him out.” She swallowed again, this time guilt
rushing through her. She hated everything about being stuck in this place with Chuck.
She hated living in a small trailer that locked from the outside.
She hated moving across the country all the time and never settling down.
he
She hated that she couldn’t go out and find a life of her own.
That she couldn’t make amends.
But mostly, she hated this.
In every town, Chuck found some man that was looking for something in their life. Sometimes it
was money or love, often it was business, but they were always very wealthy, and that wealth was
what Chuck was after. That was what he used her for, to ring them dry.
en
That was the worst part of it all.
At first, he had threatened her with violence. But after a while, when he figured out that wasn’t
going to work, he had started threatening the other girls in the circus camp. Even though they hated
to
her, she couldn’t stand to let him hurt them.
“Don’t fuck this up!” Chuck grunted out, probably reading her mind, before adding, “You know
as
what will happen if you do. Sara is looking mighty delicious lately.” He knew exactly what his words
er
would do to her, and her stomach rolled at the thought.
Sara was seventeen and running away from a father that was a little handsy. Unfortunately, she had
run right into Chuck’s greedy hands instead. Most of the people that were working for Chuck were
running from something, or like her, had nowhere else to go.
ed
“I know,” she said meekly, already knowing that she would do whatever he wanted to keep
someone else safe. Especially if it was keeping them safe from Chuck when he got that look in his eye
like he had right now.
She knew what that look meant.
She had experienced it firsthand.
m,
er “I bought and paid for you. That means, when I’m done with you, I will loan you out and get my
mmoney’s worth.” She shivered in remembrance of his long-ago words as he had stood up after beating
her when she hadn’t wanted to bribe an older gentleman that had just lost his wife.
The next day, the old man had come back with a happy glaze to his eyes, excited to be able to talk
esto his dead wife, and she had done just what Chuck had wanted.
er Dread filled her just thinking about it as Chuck shoved her into her room to get ready.
She shivered at the cold and sat down.
ilt Of all the places that they had been, Massachusetts was by far the coldest. They would be going
farther south after this, and she would be happy for the warmth, though she would miss the pretty
scenery.
She loved the trees and hills that seemed to be everywhere.
She shook her head at herself.
It wasn’t like she got to go sightseeing. One of the reasons she didn’t just pack up and leave was
that Chuck always took her money. She didn’t have a penny to her name.
it What was she supposed to do?
as Turn tricks on the street?
Somehow, even Chuck seemed better than that.
As she picked up the old makeup that made her face feel so pasty and gross, she started painting on
n’tthe dark eye shadow and tried her best to conceal her face.
ed Next, she grabbed the fake silk wrap next to her and started twisting it around her head, covering
up her bright orange hair.
w There was nothing she could do about her bright blue eyes, and she hated it.
ds She hated looking in the mirror and having the light blue color staring back at her.
She hated everything about herself.
ad Sighing at the thought, she finished getting ready. At least the layers of her awful costume would
rehelp keep her warm.
She called out before knocking on the door and following behind one of Chuck’s men across the
epcircus.
ye The only thing that she didn’t outright hate was the actual circus.
People always seemed so happy to come here, even if most of them knew it was a scam. But seeing
the teenage couples walk around hand in hand, or the mothers and fathers following behind their
children from tent to tent. She loved watching the little kids run around with an ice cream cone or a
mysugary fried doughnut, laughing and smiling brightly. It was as if the magic of the circus was still there
ngand for a little bit, watching them let her feel as if she could be a part of that.
But then reality would slam back into her, and she would be right back where she belonged. In her
lkown little makeshift tent next to the main area where Chuck had set her up. At least it was comfy, with
pillows and drapes in all different colors, hung up and laid out as if to welcome the next person in.
It was all for show.
It wasn’t comfort that she got to bring into these people’s lives, and it wasn’t a comforting feeling
ngthat she was left with.
tty No, she wrecked people’s lives. Ruined them and their families, running them into the ground and
leaving them broke and desperate.
That was what she did.
An older gentleman came in, the set of his suit and the watch on his wrist, telling her exactly what it
aswas that Chuck was after.
Money.
How did Chuck even find these people?
If there was one thing that Chuck loved more than anything, it was money.
“Please sit down,” she asked, grabbing a bottle of lotion and using some on her hands before
onlighting a candle. The man observed her every move intently.
“The man out there said that you know things,” he said, referring to Chuck.
ng “I do,” she replied simply, letting her façade wash over her face to block her emotions from
showing through.
She could do this.
“I want to know if my partner is going to back out.” She nodded while sitting down across the table
that was draped in another fake silk scarf, this one in a deep purple, and held out her hand. He gave
ldher a look, but then reached out and followed her lead.
She didn’t really have to put this much of a production on. A simple touch of a person would give
heher all the look into their mind that she needed, but half of what these people were there for was a
show.
An image of a beautiful woman flashed in her head. She was kissing another man, and she jerked,
ngrealizing what it was that she had seen.
eir “Your wife is blonde and petite, am I correct?”
a “Yes. Why? What did you see?” the man immediately pushed, something dark coming over his face.
re “Give me a moment please,” she whispered, pushing deeper into his mind and using the time to find
the information she was looking for. As she looked farther, she saw that the woman was indeed his
erwife, and it wasn’t the partner that was looking to leave, it was the wife.
th For good reason too. An image of the man standing over his wife, his face twisted in anger, his fist
raised, flashed through her mind. Her gut rolled.
She knew how it felt to be in that kind of situation.
ng She knew what it felt like to be helpless.
She blinked, and another image flashed, this time of his wife, and who she was assuming was the
ndpartner, sitting on a couch together. The partner was holding her, consoling her, the big black eye and
bloody nose and lip giving her away.
The partner was trying to save the wife.
it Suddenly, she wasn’t all that upset about what she had to do. For the first time in a long time, she
was excited about being able to use her powers.
Twisting her mind and stretching out her reach, she delved deeper, seeing horrible things along her
way into his mind.
His drug of choice was coke, and the waitress at the diner still had bruises from where he had
remanhandled her a little too hard last week when he’d demanded a quicky in the bathroom. Apparently,
the wife couldn’t see other men, but the same rules didn’t apply to him.
There was a poker game next week, and he was looking into ways of cheating. Not for money, but
mbecause of hatred toward one of the players.
She saw the man in a club, getting a lap dance, his mind full of a haze that only drugs could give
him. She saw every disgusting thought that he had as he watched the dancer above him, and she
leshuddered in response.
ve She wanted to turn away, to shut her eyes and stop the onslaught of images plaguing her mind, but
she held on, and it paid off when she finally got to where she knew she needed to be.
ve As if in slow motion, she watched as he sat at a desk filling out papers, a lawyer standing beside
ahim, dictating to him where to sign and what each paper was about. She didn’t worry about any of
that, though. Instead, she concentrated on the papers splayed out across the desk, the ones that he was
d,signing.
That was what she needed!
They were from a bank in the Cayman Islands, and they had the numbers of several of his offshore
e.accounts. The accounts where he kept his money away from prying eyes, his wife, and his partner.
nd She quickly recited them in her mind, storing them away before walking back out the way she had
hiscome, till she was sitting back in front of him.
“Your partner is loyal, and so is your wife. I see no deceit. However…” She paused, watching as
istthe man’s eyes widened and he leaned in farther.
“Yes?” he asked hungrily, a gleam in his eyes.
“I do think that at next week’s poker game, you should bet higher than normal.” His eyes grew
comically wide before a greasy smile broke out over his face.
he “I’m going to win?”
nd “I can’t predict the future.” She could indeed see some of it, though, and he was going to lose.
“However, I would bet high.” She gave him a look that she hoped conveyed she meant every word.
It must have worked because a wide smile took over his face, and he thanked her, before
hepractically skipping out the door.
She wrote down the account numbers and handed them to Chuck as he stepped out from behind the
ercurtain.
“What was that about?”
ad “Nothing.” Chuck didn’t seem to believe her, but he didn’t question her, just took the paper and
ly,gestured for the guard to take her back.
Unlike what people thought of physics and seers, she couldn’t do it all the time. She couldn’t
utmaintain the energy while mind-walking in someone’s head. Each time was draining and left her
feeling exhausted.
ve It wasn’t more than a few minutes later, after she had exhaustedly followed Chuck’s man back
heacross the circus to her trailer, and after she heard the lock click as the guard closed the door behind
her, that she simply walked over and laid on the bed.
ut She was too tired to get undressed.
She heard the sounds of the circus get louder as the night routine started in the big tent.
de The people cheering and laughing.
of Happy.
as As she fell asleep, a small smile played on her face, and she hoped that she had done even just a
little good tonight.
She couldn’t help the woman escape her husband, but maybe through her work, the husband may
rejust lose something more important to him.
Then sleep took her, and her hope shifted to her own dreams.
 She quickly recited them in her mind, storing them away before walking back out the way she had
come, till she was sitting back in front of him.
“Your partner is loyal, and so is your wife. I see no deceit. However…” She paused, watching as
the man’s eyes widened and he leaned in farther.
“Yes?” he asked hungrily, a gleam in his eyes.
“I do think that at next week’s poker game, you should bet higher than normal.” His eyes grew
comically wide before a greasy smile broke out over his face.
“I’m going to win?”
“I can’t predict the future.” She could indeed see some of it, though, and he was going to lose.
“However, I would bet high.” She gave him a look that she hoped conveyed she meant every word.
It must have worked because a wide smile took over his face, and he thanked her, before
practically skipping out the door.
She wrote down the account numbers and handed them to Chuck as he stepped out from behind the
curtain.
“What was that about?”
“Nothing.” Chuck didn’t seem to believe her, but he didn’t question her, just took the paper and
gestured for the guard to take her back.
Unlike what people thought of physics and seers, she couldn’t do it all the time. She couldn’t
maintain the energy while mind-walking in someone’s head. Each time was draining and left her
feeling exhausted.
It wasn’t more than a few minutes later, after she had exhaustedly followed Chuck’s man back
across the circus to her trailer, and after she heard the lock click as the guard closed the door behind
her, that she simply walked over and laid on the bed.
She was too tired to get undressed.
She heard the sounds of the circus get louder as the night routine started in the big tent.
The people cheering and laughing.
Happy.
As she fell asleep, a small smile played on her face, and she hoped that she had done even just a
little good tonight.
She couldn’t help the woman escape her husband, but maybe through her work, the husband may
just lose something more important to him.
Then sleep took her, and her hope shifted to her own dreams.
 Chapter 3
Garrett

e stood out on the porch as the sun set, both wanting it to set faster and dreading it.
H Going to sleep and dreaming about his girl was the highlight of his day, but knowing that
eventually he would wake up and she would be gone, that it wasn’t real, made every night torture.
He wondered where she was and what she was doing.
Was she looking out over the same mountains that he was? Watching the same sunset?
When they dream-walked together, she always seemed surprised at the place that he took her.
Like a lake or a cliff overlook. She always looked around in wonder, as if it was the first time that
she had ever seen something like that.
It puzzled him.
He had been dream-walking ever since the night he had turned eighteen, and every night since, all
his dreams had been of her. Never of anyone else.
Every night he would see her, talk to her, even hold her.
Every night she would smile up at him and laugh at something he said.
But it was a dream world, and feelings were different there.
You didn’t feel the depth of emotion you did in the real world.
You couldn’t read someone else’s emotions as easily either.
So what she had told him was all he knew of her.
And he didn’t know where she was at.
He didn’t know why she wouldn’t tell him. He didn’t know why she was scared sometimes.
And more than the fact that it worried him, it was wearing on him.
He was thirty-one years old, and he was starting to question if he would ever find her.
“You going to bed soon?” his grandma asked, giving him a knowing look, coming to stand beside
 him with her nightly cup of tea, and he nodded. “Someday you will find her.”
“I know,” he answered, not wanting to discuss it all again.
She was always the optimist, and it sometimes got old.
“Go get some rest. You and your sister have a big day ahead of you tomorrow.”
And that was exactly the problem.
His grandmother had always been a seer and dream walker. Always able to see the future and what
may come of it. Not the whole thing, mind you. Not enough to say, give you the lottery numbers, but
enough that she could help people. Sot that’s what his family did. All of them. Even his grandfather
and his dad had until they passed. And now it was up to him and his sister.
His grandmother would call them in to the breakfast table and send them off to new places. It
almost always resulted in someone being saved. Sometimes it was small. Like keeping a child from
breaking their leg on a trampoline. Other times it was big, like saving the life of a man who had
hat
simply been sent to get coffee.
He had often wondered if playing with the hands of fate was going to come back and bite them, it
that was why he was stuck in a dream world with the woman he wanted, but he didn’t feel like it was
his place to tell his grandma that what she was doing was right or wrong.
He didn’t even know if it was right or wrong.
hat
Maybe fate had put her here with this gift to help.
It wasn’t his place to say.
He passed his sister in the hall on the way to his bedroom, who in one of her normal snits didn’t
all
even give him the time of day.
They didn’t always get along and had very different views of what life should look like. His sister
wanted to charge for what they did, and she didn’t see anything wrong with climbing the money
ladder.
He, on the other hand, liked knowing that he was changing lives, helping people that needed it,
even if they didn’t know that he had helped.
But mostly what irritated his sister the most was that his grandmother had told him at an early age
that his soul mate was out there waiting for him.
“She will come to you in a whirl of excitement and danger. She will know more than you could
think, and she will walk different roads than you, but you two will do great things together.”
His grandma’s long-ago words always stayed with him.

de
 But his grandmother couldn’t see his sister’s future. Not even past breakfast. And because of that,
she resented the fact that she may not get what she wanted out of life.
It was a big contention between them, but they continued working together for their grandmother,
the three of them being the last of their family.
He sighed and lay down, letting his soft bed conform to his big body, carrying him off to sleep to
hatwhere a beautiful red-haired woman was waiting for him.
ut
er

The haze around him was different tonight.

It
Normally, his dreams were clear and very evenly thought-out, as if it wasn’t so much the future but
m
more the past or present. But tonight, it was hazy. He walked through a misty field, his eyes squinting
ad
to see past anything beyond the grass at his feet, when he heard a noise.
Turning around at the sound, he saw a young girl, no more than ten or eleven years old.
it
Odd, because he had never seen anyone other than his dream girl.
as
“Are you okay?” he asked, looking around, like her parents were going to show up, but no one was
there.
“I’m scared.” His stomach dropped as he recognized her voice.
“Hey…” He started to say as he took a step forward, but she spoke again.
“I’m scared because I can’t stop him.” There were tears in her eyes, and her voice trembled as she
n’t
spoke.
“Can’t stop who?”
er
“Are you ever going to find me?”
ey
“I promise I’m coming,” he said, then watched as she morphed into the red-headed woman that he
knew so well. Her crystal blue eyes gazed back at him with a heavy weight of crushing despair
it,
shining through them.
“Are you coming for me?” she whispered, and he stood horrified as her image simply vanished
ge
within a blink of an eye, and before him was nothing but that misty field.
“Hello?” he called.
ld
Fuck, he didn’t even know her name!
“Hello!” he called out again, this time a tone of panic coming through his tone as he took a couple
of running steps forward before he remembered that this was a dream, a walking dream, and if the
dream didn’t want him to find her, then he wouldn’t.
at, She was gone for tonight.
Did that mean she was gone for good? In real life as well? Sadness and something close to anguish
er,washed over him, and his knees nearly buckled.
“No,” he whispered, twisting and looking around the field, spinning in a circle before he let his
tostrength go and fell to his knees, the ground coming up to meet him with a thud that immediately had
his eyes opening and the darkness of his bedroom walls closing in on him.
Holy fuck!
What was that?
He quickly sat up in bed, his chest heaving as he fought to control the panic that was coursing
through him.
ut
Something was very wrong.
ng
Something about that whole dream had been very wrong.
But one thing he knew for sure was that she had been there.
Like really been there.
He felt her.
as
That had not been like their normal dream, where he could see her there in front of him and talk
with her.
It had almost been as if she couldn’t hear him.
This time he had felt her.
he
This time she had been dream-walking with him.
He had been in her dream.
Something in his hand prickled, and he looked down to where his fingers were wrapped around a
folded-up piece of paper.
he
How the fuck...
air
He stopped his thought, and started unfolding the piece of paper, knowing that sometimes it was
better to not question things in his dreams. He read the very feminine, scrawled handwriting, and his
ed
eyes widened.
It was an address.
An address of a park that was less than a day’s drive away.
Holy fuck!
le
he
 She was gone for tonight.
Did that mean she was gone for good? In real life as well? Sadness and something close to anguish
washed over him, and his knees nearly buckled.
“No,” he whispered, twisting and looking around the field, spinning in a circle before he let his
strength go and fell to his knees, the ground coming up to meet him with a thud that immediately had
his eyes opening and the darkness of his bedroom walls closing in on him.
Holy fuck!
What was that?
He quickly sat up in bed, his chest heaving as he fought to control the panic that was coursing
through him.
Something was very wrong.
Something about that whole dream had been very wrong.
But one thing he knew for sure was that she had been there.
Like really been there.
He felt her.
That had not been like their normal dream, where he could see her there in front of him and talk
with her.
It had almost been as if she couldn’t hear him.
This time he had felt her.
This time she had been dream-walking with him.
He had been in her dream.
Something in his hand prickled, and he looked down to where his fingers were wrapped around a
folded-up piece of paper.
How the fuck...
He stopped his thought, and started unfolding the piece of paper, knowing that sometimes it was
better to not question things in his dreams. He read the very feminine, scrawled handwriting, and his
eyes widened.
It was an address.
An address of a park that was less than a day’s drive away.
Holy fuck!
 Chapter 4
Mercy

he yawned again and wiped at her eyes, hoping that the dirty look from Chuck didn’t mean that
S her makeup had smudged.
“Do you see her or not?” the woman in front of her asked again, and she shook her head, making
herself focus.
Tired didn’t even begin to describe what she was.
Last night, her dreams hadn’t been like normal. They had been dark and twisting, full of fog or
smoke, she didn’t know. What was more was that was all she could remember.
No dream man.
No riding off into the sunset, or even nightmares.
It was just nothing but fog.
And it was hard because as much as she hated to admit it, she was losing hope. She was starting to
think that the man of her dreams was only that, just a dream. A person she had made up to give herself
something to look forward to, and at this point, she wouldn’t put anything past her mind.
That was how far down the rabbit hole she was feeling.
It was despair.
It was hopeless.
And hope was always a bitch.
“I’m sorry, I can’t see her.” And she really couldn’t. “But please know that this is a good thing.”
She heard Chuck grunt from behind her, and she internally winced. She was going to pay for this later,
but she didn’t have the heart to screw over a woman who was looking for her dead daughter. “It’s a
good thing, because it means that she is at peace.”
Bullshit line, but the woman smiled, and it made it all worth it.
 The woman grabbed her purse, slipped her a few dollars, then made her way out of the tent.
Chuck came up from behind her and grabbed her wrist before snatching the money from the table.
“What the fuck was that?” Her stomach rolled as an image of a woman screaming filled her mind,
and she realized that Chuck had gone out to the local bar last night and some woman had paid for it.
He was getting worse, and she didn’t know how to stop him.
A quick flash, an image of her dream from the night before whirled into her mind, her dream man
telling her that he was coming for her, sounding as if far away. But just as quickly as it appeared, it
was gone, and Chuck jerked back, dropping her hand.
“I told you not to read me!” he seethed, and she flinched, closing her eyes tight as he raised his
hand. She knew what was going to happen, and she didn’t want to see it. The whistling of the air was
the only notice she got before pain whipped across her face, her body lurching with it, landing her on
hat
the floor next to him.
“Sir,” his guard said from the door, and Chuck grunted again.
ng
“Fucking get up. I have another man coming in, and you will not fuck it up this time.” She nodded
as best she could as Chuck stomped away.
Her head was pounding so viciously that she didn’t hear Chuck or her new customer talking as she
or
forced herself to get up and sit at her table. She sat with her head in her hands, her despair eating at
her, till movement made her look up and a man sat in the chair across from her.
She blinked.
Once
Twice.
to
But he was still sitting there, staring right at her.
elf
His big, muscled body, just like she remembered. His dark hair and even darker eyes seeming to
sear straight through her.
Her dream man.
“Mr. Charmante is here to see if you can help point him in a direction that will help him in his
business,” Chuck said grandly, as if they were in something other than a worn-down tent draped with
fake silk scarves.
g.”
“Yes. I’m torn right now. I need to know if this new investment is the way to go, or if I should pull
er,
out,” he answered Chuck, but he never looked away from her. Chuck, for his part, didn’t seem to
a
notice, as he was busy folding an envelope of cash and stuffing it in a bag.
 “Very good. Go ahead, girl,” Chuck said, motioning for her to start, and she blinked out of her
trance, but then she hesitated for another reason.
d, There was no way that she could do this to him.
She didn’t know him. Obviously, she hadn’t known that he was in business trading, but she had
seen him in her dreams for years. Years where sometimes he was the only reprieve to her otherwise
anlonely life. There was no way she would be hustling him.
it She wouldn’t do it.
“Girl,” Chuck said with more aggression, and the man across from her nodded to her while holding
hishis hand out, as if he was telling her to continue.
as She shook her head at him, trying with all her might to convey just what was happening.
on He might not know who she was, but she did.
And she was not going to do this to him.
She had to draw the line somewhere.
ed “It’s okay. I know,” he whispered softly.
“What was that?” Chuck barked, standing up taller and glaring at them.
he “Nothing. Just telling her that it’s okay. It can’t be easy having a strange man in her chair.” The man
atplayed it off easily enough, and Chuck seemed to take him at his word, but her mind was twisting with
some newfound knowledge that she couldn’t put her finger on.
He knew?
What did that mean?
She didn’t have time to ponder it all before he gestured to his hand again. Unsure, but feeling as if
she needed to follow his lead for some reason, she reached out to touch him, bracing herself as she
todid.
In her life, she had touched and felt the presence of a person’s mind many times. Sometimes there
was nothing there but just knowledge. Sometimes it was a burst of energy that would fill her as if the
hisperson was ready to get on with the next stage of their life. With Chuck using her, it more often felt
thcold and dark, like it was sucking the air out of the room.
This was different.
ull He was different.
to His hand cupped hers, warmth spreading over her skin instead of the cold feeling that slithered up
her arm like it did with Chuck. Her eyes met his, and she took a breath before a white light flashed in
her mind.
er A hazy image played out in front of her. Both of them laughing together, the green grass of a yard
around them, a house in the background. A feeling of complete happiness and love filled her chest till
she thought she would burst.
ad “Trust him,” a woman’s voice that she had never heard before but that seemed familiar called out.
se“Trust Garrett,” she repeated reassuringly, then the voice was gone.
As was the beautiful image, and she blinked at the man in front of her that was looking at her in
shock.
ng His name was Garrett.
She tried to enter his mind again, but nothing was there.
She couldn’t see anything.
It was the first time that she hadn’t been able to see something when she wanted.
“What did you see?” Chuck was getting impatient, and that was never a good thing.
Garrett spun and glared at Chuck, a cool look falling over his face. She realized that the man was
probably trying to protect her.
But he didn’t know what he was getting into.
an She had to protect him.
th There was something there with this man, something between them, something that she didn’t even
fully understand, but something that she had to protect.
“Nothing,” she said calmly, forcing a smile. “Just his mind.” Then she did her usual hand waves, as
if it really helped her see into the person’s future, and Garrett smirked at her as if he knew it was all
ifbullshit. “I don’t think this new investment is a wise choice.”
he “Really?” Garrett met her eyes in a head-on stare, their dark color seeming to swirl with heat.
“No. it’s a dangerous venture. I would stay away from it at all costs,” she added, hoping he knew
rewhat she was implying.
he “Maybe I like a little danger,” Garrett said as he pulled his hand away, and she felt as if her heart
eltwas being torn in two as the warmth that had filled her dissipated.
She stood as Garrett took a step back, before holding out another envelope for Chuck. Chuck
greedily took it as she started cleaning up her table, peeking under her lashes at Garrett.
This may be the only time that she ever got to see him, and she wanted to have something to
upremember when she was dreaming.
in Garrett was almost to the door, her breath feeling as if it was burning in her lungs as she watched
him walking away, when he turned and eyed her again.
rd “Will you tell me your name?” She felt as if she was going to cry, but she refused to give in and
illoffer Chuck any hint of something more he could use over her.
“Mercy,” she whispered softly. One side of his lips tipped up as he mouthed her name to himself,
ut.his eyes flaring.
As if the name itself was something more.
in “See you in your dreams, Mercy.”

as

en

as
all

art

ck

to

ed
 “Will you tell me your name?” She felt as if she was going to cry, but she refused to give in and
offer Chuck any hint of something more he could use over her.
“Mercy,” she whispered softly. One side of his lips tipped up as he mouthed her name to himself,
his eyes flaring.
As if the name itself was something more.
“See you in your dreams, Mercy.”
 Chapter 5
Mercy

f tired was yesterday, what did that make her today?

I She felt as if she was a walking zombie. All night she had laid in bed, excited and nervous to
get to sleep, excited to see Garrett, but sleep never came.
Chuck had been louder than normal in his tent, his party rowdier than it had ever been. At one
point, she had even thought about walking over there and telling him to shut up. She knew better, so
she had stayed in bed and tried to block it out.
“What’s your issue?” Stacey asked from next to her as they finished eating their breakfast and got
up, heading back to the trailers.
“Just tired,” she muttered.
“Did you go to Chuck’s after party last night?”
Why would she have gone?
She frowned, but didn’t say anything. Stacey knew her stance on Chuck. Even if she wasn’t sure she
liked the girl, she was sympathetic to her reasons for being here.
“You were the only one not there, you know.” She stopped in her steps and looked at Stacey in
horror.
“You went?”
“Of course!” Stacey rolled her eyes and she saw a flash of disgust that she hadn’t seen before. “It
means more money, right?”
Where was the sweet girl that had been scared? The one that she had worked so hard to protect.
“God, you’re such a prude.”
Chuck came walking right up at that moment and must have heard Stacey’s words, because he
smirked and smacked Stacey on the ass before grunting at her to follow him.
 Stacey sneered at her one last time before walking off, and she turned to follow Chuck.
She had never let herself think about running because if Chuck was focused on her, then he would
leave the other girls alone.
Girls like Stacey.
But what was the point if they were willingly going to go with him.
A man bumped into her, and she jerked.
A hazy image of him working in an office as he stood over a stack of papers, a shiny badge on his
belt, flashed before her.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, giving her a look.
“Sorry about that,” she muttered back and continued to follow Chuck.
Maybe she should just give in, she thought, but her heart ached just thinking about it. She didn’t
want to be the type of person that lied and stole from people to get her way in life.
to
She wanted her life to mean something more.
Maybe she should find a way to leave, then.
ne
It wouldn’t be easy, but Chuck had come to count on her never running, so she was sure she could
so
slip through somewhere.
Maybe a shelter could help her?
ot
There had to be programs for women like her, right?
But what if there wasn’t?
A wall of sadness washed over her.
What did it even matter if she was alone?
What did it all even matter? Why was she even put on this earth if no one was going to care.
he
An image of Garrett from the day before flashed in her mind.
Was Garrett, her dream man, even real?
in
Maybe she had made him up. Maybe his visit the day before was just a figment of her dreams.
That had to be it, because a man like him, so full of muscles and those dark, soulful eyes, couldn’t
possibly want a girl like her.
“It
Right?
They were halfway across the circus layout, the tents in all stages of being torn down, the men
around them working together to fold them up and load them onto the trucks, the next location waiting
for them, when it happened.
he
She heard a shout, and Chuck froze in front of her.
 “Everybody get down! FBI!” a man yelled from the edge of the circus area right before it was
ldflooded with men holding guns, all of them wearing vests clearly showing a set of big white letters
printed across them.
FBI?
In an instant, it was chaos. People that worked for the circus were running around, agents taking
them down to the ground as she spun around in a circle, not sure what to do.
his “Fuck!” Chuck screamed, reaching for her at the same time that the man from before, the one that
she had bumped into, appeared holding a gun up toward her and Chuck.
“Get down on the ground!” he roared at them as two other men came to stand behind him in similar
stances, their guns drawn and pointed.
n’t Immediately, she knelt, doing as she was told, but Chuck took his time. Eventually, having no other
choice, Chuck was forced to the ground beside her. He grunted as an agent kneeled on his back and
started cuffing him.
“Do not say a fucking word,” Chuck snarled at her before he was pulled up off the ground and
ldmarched away.
She watched him till she felt the cold, hard steel of handcuffs wrap around her wrists as an agent
started reading her rights.
She was being arrested?
The agent from before stepped forward, holstering his gun and nodding to the agent that had
handcuffed her.
“I’ve got her,” he said and gently wrapped her hand around her arm before leading her out of the
area to an ambulance that was waiting on the edge of the chaos.
“Miss Mercy needs to be checked over,” he said, turning her and undoing her cuffs before
motioning for her to sit down.
How did he know her name?
n’t “Does anything hurt, ma’am?” the paramedic asked, looking her over before probing her very
swollen eye. Makeup had covered most of it, but not enough if the paramedic had noticed.
“I’m fine,” she whispered.
en “Any double vision? Blurriness?” She shook her head. She knew the drill, and she also knew what
nga concussion felt like.
This was nothing more than just a very bad black eye.
as “I don’t have a concussion,” she said softly, for just the paramedic to hear, and the lady gave her a
rspitying look.
“Okay, honey. Let me just finish checking you out.”
“I need to make a call. Don’t move,” the agent said, and took a couple of steps to the side. She must
ngnot have been into much trouble if he was leaving her there. Either that, or he figured she wasn’t going
to make a break for it.
hat Which was true.
She may not be looking forward to jail time, but she was just happy that Chuck was done. That he
arcouldn’t hurt anyone anymore.
She watched avidly as two agents forced a struggling Chuck into a van with the other people they
erhad arrested.
nd “Do you know who I am! Let me go!” Chuck screamed. She quickly looked away and forced her
face to go neutral instead of the smile that was fighting free.
nd At least one good thing came from today.
“Yeah. This is agent Roberts. Go ahead and let him in when you see him,” the agent said as he
ntstepped up to her and took a seat next to her.
She was wondering why she wasn’t with the other detainees, but she was too afraid to ask.
She sat there a little longer as the paramedic took her blood pressure, listened to her heart, and then
adstarted filling out paperwork on a clipboard. The agent and the paramedic said a few words quietly to
each other, but other than that, nobody said anything.
he The agent pulled out his phone and started tapping away at it, and she wondered what was going
on.
re She was just about to work up the courage to ask, when she heard a commotion from the front.
“Fucking let me through!” a voice boomed, and she stilled.
That voice.
ry “Let him through!” Agent Roberts yelled. “Over here, Garrett.” She watched in stunned amazement
as Garrett came through the crowd of officers as if parting the sea.
And he looked mad.
hat “I’m sorry, man. I told them to let you through,” Agent Roberts said, holding his hands out, like he
was trying to stop a tidal wave as it came rushing forward, but Garrett just walked straight to her and
dropped to his knees in front of her.
He was so tall that his head was still level with her.
 a “Are you okay?” he husked out, and her heart tripped just hearing it. Looking around, she wasn’t
really sure how to answer him. He grabbed her chin with his fingers, pinching and turning her head
back to him before repeating himself. “Are you okay, honey?”
ust She noticed that his southern drawl was more pronounced.
ng But mostly she noticed that she didn’t see anything as he touched her.
Nothing.
All she felt was warmth. As if his touch was meant to warm her. Slowly, that warmth slid from her
hechin and down her body.
What was going on?
ey She reached up and wrapped her hand around his, intent on pulling his hand away, but he instead
wrapped both her hands in his and pulled them to her lap as he continued to kneel in front of her.
er That warmth spread through her hands.
“Are you okay?” he asked again.
“Am I in trouble?” she whispered, and he frowned as his hands slid over her knees, warming her.
he “No. I sent them in to get you out.”
He had sent them for her?
“I…” she stuttered, but then stopped. She didn’t even know what to say.
en Then the reality of everything hit her.
to “I should be with them,” she said, looking to the van that was just pulling away with all the other
people that had been arrested. She took a breath and scooched back on the edge of the ambulance
ngbumper, away from Garrett. Her soul ached as his hands fell from her leg, a coldness stealing her
breath as that warmth quickly slid away.
“Why do you think that?” Agent Roberts asked as Garrett stared at her with a look on his face that
she couldn’t place.
“The things I’ve…” A tear fell down her cheek as she started to talk about her biggest shame, but
ntGarrett interrupted her.
“No more,” he barked, reaching out and pointing a finger at her, and she stopped immediately. The
paramedic and Agent Roberts froze as well at his tone.
he “She wants immunity,” Garrett growled out, looking up to Roberts from where he was still kneeling
ndin front of her.
“That’s not how it works, and you know it.” Roberts frowned.
n’t “I also know that I’m the one that got you the information to take this ring down.” Roberts’ face
adturned red.
“Man, you know I can’t…”
“Can’t or won’t,” Garrett growled, and even she felt as if she should be shrinking away.
“Fuck, man,” Roberts muttered, placing his hands on his hips and leaning his head back.
“If she testifies to Chuck’s business, will you let her go?” Roberts’ head came up, and he speared
erher with an intense look.
Why did she get the feeling that he was not a man to mess with.
“Do you even have anything on Chuck’s business.” She frowned.
ad What did they want with a circus anyways?
“What do you need to know?” she asked instead.
“How was he running the drugs through?” Roberts questioned, still staring at her.
“Drugs?” she whispered, confused.
What were they talking about?
Both Roberts and Garrett stared at her with looks of surprise on their faces.
“Chuck is the biggest narc distributer for the Cargolinga gang,” Roberts muttered, looking as if he
wasn’t sure whether to believe her or not.
“What?” Her mouth dropped open in shock.
er “He runs drugs and uses the circus as a cover. You never suspected anything? Really?” Roberts
ceasked suspiciously.
er “Hey, watch your tone,” Garrett barked.
“I mean, no. I know he is a drug addict. He gets high a lot, and many of the girls and guys that…”
hatShe paused, unsure how to politely say orgy. “His night parties get high as well. But I’ve never
gone.”
ut “Fuck.” The officer shook his head. “You have to give me something.”
“What about your clients?” Garrett stared at her, giving her that look again, and shame swamped
hethrough her.
He knew.
ng That’s what he meant.
That’s what he had told her the other day.
Her eyes dropped to her lap, where she was twisting her fingers.
ce “Hey. It’s okay. I told you that I knew. Look at me.” He placed his finger under her chin again, and
tilted it toward him, not letting her hide from him any longer. “You did what you had to do to
survive.”
Why did him saying that mean something?
She didn’t deserve forgiveness.
ed Did she?
“Can you tell me the names of the people that he hustled?” Garrett nodded to her, and a little bit of
hope kindled inside of her as she nodded, and Roberts took a step toward them.
“How many?” Roberts asked, pulling out a pad of paper and a pen from his back pocket.
“She can give you all of them. For immunity.” Garrett surprised her by saying.
How did he know that she could?
“You can give me all of them?” Roberts asked skeptically, looking between her and Garrett.
“I have an identic memory,” she answered softly.
“Fuck.” Agent Roberts smiled, and that hope grew a bit bigger.
Maybe now she could finally make amends.
he

rts

…”
er

ed
 “Hey. It’s okay. I told you that I knew. Look at me.” He placed his finger under her chin again, and
tilted it toward him, not letting her hide from him any longer. “You did what you had to do to
survive.”
Why did him saying that mean something?
She didn’t deserve forgiveness.
Did she?
“Can you tell me the names of the people that he hustled?” Garrett nodded to her, and a little bit of
hope kindled inside of her as she nodded, and Roberts took a step toward them.
“How many?” Roberts asked, pulling out a pad of paper and a pen from his back pocket.
“She can give you all of them. For immunity.” Garrett surprised her by saying.
How did he know that she could?
“You can give me all of them?” Roberts asked skeptically, looking between her and Garrett.
“I have an identic memory,” she answered softly.
“Fuck.” Agent Roberts smiled, and that hope grew a bit bigger.
Maybe now she could finally make amends.
 Chapter 6
Mercy

ours later, her back was aching from sitting on a flimsy stool in the local police department.
H She was starting to wonder if she should just ask for a jail cell so she could get some sleep.
At least an interrogation room would have had a table that she could lean on, but Garrett had
insisted that she be put somewhere more comfortable.
How was this more comfortable?
“Miss Mercy?”
“Sorry, what?” she asked, blinking at the officers sitting across from her and Garrett.
“That’s it.” Garrett stood up, frowning, his big body looming over all of them before he gently
helped her up till she was standing next to him.
How could he seem so forceful and be so gentle at the same time?
“She’s done.”
“We have more questions,” an officer said, eyeing Garrett warily.
“Respectfully, no. She’s been here for four hours and has given you everything. Twice. You made a
deal,” he said to Roberts, who was standing at the back of the room. “Stand by it.”
“Fuck. Fine, take her.” The man who had identified himself as the FBI Special Agent didn’t look
happy, but he didn’t stop them from walking by.
Or her stumbling by, rather.
He wrapped his arm around her, his fingers resting on the edge of her hip, steering her around desk
after desk through the department till they finally were out the door. She took a deep breath and closed
her eyes, pausing.
She didn’t realize just how stifling it had been in there till right that very moment.
“You okay?” he asked patiently, standing next to her.
 For some reason, even though he had refused to leave, and they had been sitting together for the last
few hours, she felt shy.
She didn’t know this man at all besides the fact that she dreamed about him. She didn’t even know
if she had ever been in his dreams, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t also have ulterior motives.
But none of that mattered, because she needed to get her head on straight. She nodded and started to
gather her wits.
First off was a place to stay the night. She didn’t have any money with her, and she doubted the
shelters were open this late. She looked around and saw a park across the street and down a few
blocks. It had tall trees and a few pavilions, and she figured that would have to do.
She wished that she had a coat, though, as it was going to be cold.
“Let’s get you home,” Garrett murmured softly from next to her, and she could only blink at him.
nt.
Home.
That was the second time he’d mentioned that.
ad
“I’m sorry, what?” Her tired mind tried to keep up.
“I’m taking you to my house, honey. You need sleep.”
Isn’t this where red flags were supposed to start popping up.
She went to say something, only she wasn’t even sure what. But he moved first. Bending at the
waist and scooping her up as if she weighed nothing before standing with her in his arms. She
ly
squeaked and wrapped her arms around his neck, holding on for dear life as his tall, broad body
didn’t seem to even slow down with her weight. All the while, she tried to ignore the tingle that slid
through her as he seemed to pull her a little closer to him.
“What…” She had so many questions in her mind, and she had no idea where to start.
“You need sleep. Everything else can be figured out later.” His voice dropped, becoming deeper
a
and sliding over her.
Wow.
ok
“I don’t know you,” she whispered as a last resort, and he stopped dead in the middle of the
parking lot. It was a good thing it was so late, as cars would have had to move around him.
“You know me.” His voice rumbled again as his eyes stared deeply into hers.
sk
She had always read in her silly books about romance and how the men’s eyes would have them
ed
swooning.
Now she knew what they were talking about.
ast “Honey, I’ve dreamt of you every night for years. I know you. I know what your eyes look like
when they are sad. I know that you hate that you remember everything. I know what you look like
wwhen you smile, and I know that you are meant to be mine.”
Her mouth dropped open in shock as a feeling of something new moved through her. Something she
tohad never felt before. He smiled softly at her, as if he knew what she was thinking.
“So trust me to take care of mine. Trust me that I would never do anything to hurt you.” Then he
hestarted walking. Within seconds, he had opened the truck door with one hand and placed her in,
whanding her the seat belt and waiting till it had clicked before taking a step back.
“I’ve dreamt of you too,” she whispered, feeling like she had to give something back. “I don’t
always remember my dreams, though.” He looked quizzical for a moment before one side of his lips
tipped up and his hand rubbed over her thigh gently.
“You remember me, though.” Then he shut the door and walked around to the driver’s side.
She hadn’t ever thought about it like that.
Her dreams were often in pieces. Never quite a full picture, but when it came to him, she
remembered everything.
“Do you dream, then? I mean, like a dream walker?” she asked once he was settled in and had
hestarted the truck.
he “Of anything but you? No. My grandmother is like you, though.” He said it so smoothly that she sat
dystunned for a moment. As if he knew that she had way too many questions than she could sort, he
idstarted talking.
“She has dreams that give her a look into the future. She always said that a gift like that should be
used properly, so my sister and I help her use those dreams to help people.” He gave her a glance as
erhe stopped at a light. “Based on what you told the Roberts, however, I’m thinking there is more to
your gift?”
Her stomach dropped immediately, and she looked away. She didn’t feel like going over her worst
heattributes. His grandmother used her gift for good. Helping people. She used hers to rob people. To
hurt families, all so that Chuck could profit.
“You don’t have to talk about it. I’m not pushing, but I do have one thing to say that I want you to
mlisten to me on.” He pulled over to the side of the road and put the truck in park, before turning to her.
She turned to look at him, the tone of his voice catching her off guard. Meeting his stare was like a
bolt struck her, something strong and powerful shifting between them and surrounding her. As if
hugging her in a warm blanket.
ke “You listening?” She nodded. “Everyone has a past. Everyone has done bad things.” Her eyes
kedropped as she cringed. “No, listen,” he added, reaching out and tilting her chin up with his finger.
“Everyone has done bad things. You did them to survive. Bar none. There is nothing there to be
heashamed about. What matters is how you move forward.” He stared at her for a few more moments,
seeming to let his words soak in before nodding and turning back onto the road and driving off.
he She simply sat there and let his words roll over her.
n, Her eyes grew heavy, and she couldn’t stop her body from tilting sideways as the warmth of his
touch on her hand invaded her.
n’t She wondered if it was really that easy. Could everything be erased simply by trying to do the right
psthing?
Was that all that mattered?
Before she knew it, she was lying down across the bench of the seat with her head on his lap,
darkness swooping in and claiming her.
he Everything else would have to wait.
Sleep could not.
ad

at
he

be
as
to

rst
To

to
r.
a
if
 “You listening?” She nodded. “Everyone has a past. Everyone has done bad things.” Her eyes
dropped as she cringed. “No, listen,” he added, reaching out and tilting her chin up with his finger.
“Everyone has done bad things. You did them to survive. Bar none. There is nothing there to be
ashamed about. What matters is how you move forward.” He stared at her for a few more moments,
seeming to let his words soak in before nodding and turning back onto the road and driving off.
She simply sat there and let his words roll over her.
Her eyes grew heavy, and she couldn’t stop her body from tilting sideways as the warmth of his
touch on her hand invaded her.
She wondered if it was really that easy. Could everything be erased simply by trying to do the right
thing?
Was that all that mattered?
Before she knew it, she was lying down across the bench of the seat with her head on his lap,
darkness swooping in and claiming her.
Everything else would have to wait.
Sleep could not.
 Chapter 7
Garrett

e could have driven all night with her resting against him. Just the feel of her near was enough
H to have his heart tripping in his chest with excitement.
He still couldn’t believe that she was here with him.
It had been disappointing to learn that she didn’t remember all of her dreams. After all, that had
been where they had learned about each other.
How much did she remember of him?
He wasn’t going to let it stop him. He would just have to teach her of who he was.
His phone dinged again, and he quickly silenced it, seeing a text from his grandma saying that she
had breakfast ready, and he texted back quickly that he was about thirty minutes out.
It wasn’t until he pulled into his house that the long six-hour drive started to wear on him, and
exhaustion hit. He turned off the truck and looked down at her sleeping form pressed against his leg.
She looked so peaceful and beautiful lying there that he didn’t want to wake her, but she needed to
eat.
He had a feeling based on the way her bones were protruding, that she hadn’t had many good
meals.
He had the sudden urge to go back and beat on Chuck. The fucker.
Besides, she would be more comfortable sleeping in a bed than in a truck seat.
With him?
Slow down, man.
She didn’t need him jumping her the minute she walked in the door.
He ran his hand gently over her shoulder and called her name.
“Hey, Mercy honey.” His intended effect of slowly waking her went right out the window as her
 eyes shot open before her body lurched up. She screeched so loudly he thought his ears might bleed,
scrambling across the seat, pressing her body against the far door.
“Hey! Easy, it’s me,” he said, holding up his hand, even as anger surged through him. Only a
woman that was afraid of something woke up like that.
“Garrett?” she whispered fearfully.
“Yeah, honey. It’s me. We’re here.” He stopped short of saying home, as she’d looked a little
freaked when he’d said it earlier.
He may have felt like moving at a fast pace, like having her moved in and under him, right now. But
he knew that she was going to be slower to accept him.
Slowly, he watched her eyes calm, reality returning.
“Yeah. Right,” she said, straightening and brushing at her ridiculous clothes.
gh
First order of businesses was getting her out of that costume. She had more makeup on than he even
knew what to do with, and her head was still wrapped in a scarf. He wanted those bright orange locks
draped around him.
ad
“Let’s go inside. My grandma has breakfast for us.” She looked skeptical, but followed him out of
his door, scooching along the seat after him. He reached for her, and more than a little pride filled him
as she immediately placed her hand in his and let him help her down.
Her head was on a constant spin as he walked her up the front steps, looking at pretty much
he
everything except where she was going. He wasn’t sure what she was looking for or what she was
thinking, but she didn’t seem as afraid as before, and it helped settle something inside of him.
nd
“Your safe here, okay?” he whispered as he opened the screen door of his house, and she smiled
g.
softly at him.
to
Fuck.
That smile was going to be his undoing. That smile was what would have him on his knees, begging
od
for her every wish to come true.
“There you two are. Did you have a safe drive?” He hadn’t called to let his grandma know when
they would be showing up, but he wasn’t all that surprised that she had known exactly when they were
coming.
She had probably seen the whole night happen anyways.
“Yep. Just long,” he answered.
“Mercy, it’s nice to officially meet you.” His grandmother spoke, reaching out and hugging a
surprised Mercy, who hesitantly hugged her back.
er
Another random document with
no related content on Scribd:
kuvan nähdessäni voin olla muistamatta hattuani kohottaa, mutta
tuskin olla ajattelematta tai muistamatta vapahtajaani. En voi nauraa
pyhiinvaeltajien hyödyttömille retkille, vaan pikemmin sääliä heitä,
enkä tuomita munkkien viheliäistä elämää, sillä vaikka he ovatkin
harhaan johtuneita käytöksessään, on siinä jotakin hartautta
sittenkin. En ole milloinkaan voinut kuulla Ave-Maria-kellon soivan
tuntematta mielen ylennystä, enkä voi liioin väittää, että kun he
yhdessä kohdassa erehtyvät, minulla olisi oikeus erehtyä vieläkin
enemmän jäädessäni mykkänä heitä halveksimaan. Senpä vuoksi,
kun he omistivat hartaudenharjoituksensa Marialle, osoitin minä
rukoukseni Jumalalle ja oikaisin heidän rukouksessaan esiintyvän
erehdyksen, osoittamalla omani oikeaan.

Juhlallisen kulkueen nähdessäni olen itkenyt liikutuksesta viljavia

kyyneliä, jollaikaa toverini vastustushalun ja ennakkoluulojen
sokaisemina ovat joutuneet sopimattomasti vihastumaan ja
nauramaan. Onhan kieltämättä sekä Kreikan että Rooman, niin hyvin
kuin Afrikankin, kirkoissa juhlallisia muotoja ja menoja, joita
viisaammat hurskaat saattavat kristillisellä tavalla käyttää. Meidän ei
tarvitse tuomita niitä itsestään pahaksi, vaan ainoastaan
taikauskoisuuden aiheuttamiksi houkuttelukeinoiksi ja syöteiksi noille
tietämättömille, jotka katsovat kieroon totuuden kasvoihin eivätkä
epävakaisuudessaan saata pysyä hyveen ahtaassa pisteessä ja
keskuksessa, kallistumatta tai horjumatta ympärystään päin. Samoin
kuin on ollut monta uudistajaa, on myöskin ollut monta uudistusta,
sillä jokaisella maalla on omat tapansa ja menetelmänsä, riippuen
kansallisista harrastuksista, yhteiskunnallisesta järjestyksestä ja
ilmastosta. Muutamissa tapauksissa on uudistus tapahtunut
ankarasti ja äärimmäisyyksiin saakka ulottuen; toisissa rauhallisesti
ja kohtuullisesti, niin että yhteistä omaa ei ole hajoitettu, vaan on
hellävaroin jaettu ja jätetty kunniallisen sovinnon mahdollisuus.
Sellaistapa rauhalliset mielet toivovatkin, ja odottavat ajan vaiheiden
ja Jumalan armon sen saavankin toimeen. Sekin mielipide, joka
tarkastelee nykyisiä vastakohtia noiden kahden äärimmäisyyden
välillä tunteissa ja harrastuksissa, saattaa yhtä hyvillä toiveilla
odottaa niidenkin yhteen sulautumista.

Mutta käydäkseni lähemmäksi itseäni ja liikkuakseni

rajoitetummassa piirissä, ei ole muuta kirkkoa, joka jokaisessa
kohdassa niin sointuisi tuntooni ja jonka uskonkappaleet, järjestys ja
tavat tuntuisivat niin järkeen soveltuvilta ja niin sanoakseni minun
erikoiseen hartauteeni soveltuvilta, kuin se, johon kuulun, Englannin
kirkko. Senpä uskoon olen vannoutunut ja senvuoksi tunnen olevani
kaksinkertaisesti velvoitettu hyväksymään sen opinkappaleet ja
koettamaan noudattaa sen säädöksiä. Mitä sen ulkopuolella on
vähäarvoisempia asioita, noudatan niitä oman yksityisen järkeni
sääntöjen mukaan tai riippuen hartauteni kulloinkin sattuvasta
mielialasta, enkä usko jotakin asiaa senvuoksi, että Luther sen
hyväksyi, tai hylkää toista sen vuoksi, että Kalvin on sen tuominnut.
En tuomitse kaikkea, mitä Tridentin kokous päätti, enkä liioin
hyväksy kaikkia Dorthin synoodin päätöksiä.

Lyhyesti sanoen: siinä, mistä raamattu on vaiti, on kirkko

tekstinäni; mistä taas raamattu puhuu, siinä on jälkimäinen vain
apunani selittämään. Missä taas kumpikin on yhtä vaitelias, en käy
etsimään uskolleni ohjeita Roomasta enempää kuin Genevestäkään,
vaan noudatan oman järkeni neuvoja.

Vastustajamme ovat häpeäkseen aivan väärin väittäneet, niinkuin

me itsekin olemme törkeästi erehtyneet, että uskontomme juontaisi
alkunsa Henrik VIII:sta, joka, vaikka hän irtautuikin paavista, ei siltä
luopunut Rooman uskonnosta eikä saanut aikaan mitään muuta kuin
mitä hänen omat edeltäjänsä olivat toivoneet ja kokeilleet menneinä
aikoina ja mitä Venetsian valtio olisi saattanut yrittää meidän
päivinämme. Mutta yhtä kiittämätöntä on meidän käydä jatkamaan
Rooman piispan ivapuheita ja häpäiseviä herjauksia, sillä häntäkin
kohtaan, koska hän on maallinen ruhtinas, olemme velvolliset
käyttämään soveliasta puhetapaa. Tunnustanhan tosin välillämme
olevan kiihkon syytä: hänen toimestaan olen kirkonkiroukseen
langetettu, ja harhaoppisen nimitys on lievintä, mitä hän minusta
sanoo. — Mikään korva ei sentään ole milloinkaan kuullut minun
nimittävän häntä puolestani Antikristukseksi, synninihmiseksi tai
Baabelin portoksi. Rakkauden tapa on kärsiä kostamatta.
Saarnatuolissa usein käytetyt pilkkapuheet ja herjaukset saattavat
hyvin tehota jokapäiväisiin ihmisiin, joiden korvat ovat herkempiä
puhetulvalle kuin logiikalle; ne eivät kuitenkaan millään tavoin
vahvista ajattelevampien uskovaisten uskoa, nämä kun tietävät, että
hyvää asiaa ei edistetä kiihkolla, vaan se kyllä pitää puolensa
rauhallisessa väittelyssäkin.

En ole milloinkaan voinut loukkaantua keneenkään mielipiteitten

eroavaisuuksien vuoksi enkä suuttua siitä, että jonkun arvostelu ei
ole soveltunut siihen käsitykseen, jota ehkä en itsekään muutaman
päivän perästä enää hyväksyisi. Minulla ei ole neronlahjaa
väitelläkseni uskonnosta, ja usein olen pitänyt viisaimpana välttää
sellaisia väittelyitä, erittäinkin ollessani epäedullisessa asemassa tai
milloin totuus saattaisi kärsiä minun heikon puolustukseni vuoksi.
Siinä, missä tarvitsemme opetusta, on hyödyllistä väitellä itseämme
etevämpien kanssa; jos taas on tarvis lujentaa ja varmistaa
mielipiteitämme, on parempi väitellä sellaisten kanssa, joiden
arvostelukyky on omaamme heikompi, jotta heidän mielipiteistänsä
helpommin saatu voitto kohottaisi ja varmistaisi omaa
mielipidettämme.
 Ei jokamies ole sovelias totuuden puolesta taistelemaan eikä
kelvollinen ottamaan taisteluhansikasta vanhurskauden asiassa.
Monet, jotka eivät näitä periaatteita tunne ja jotka ajattelematta
kiivailevat totuuden puolesta, ovat liian äkkipikaisesti ahdistaneet
Erehdyksen joukkoja ja itse joutuneet Totuuden vihollisten saaliiksi.
Voi yhtä täydellisesti omistaa totuuden kuin pitää hallussaan
kaupunkia ja silti joutua antautumaan, minkä vuoksi on parempi
omistaa se rauhassa kuin saattaa se taistelussa vaaraan. Senpä
vuoksi, jos mieleeni joitakin epäilyksiä sattuu, unhotan tai ainakin
siirrän ne tuonnemmaksi, kunnes varmistuneempi arvosteluni ja
miehekkäämmät järkisyyni kykenevät ne voittamaan. Pidän näet
jokaisen omaa järkeä hänen parhaana oppaanaan, joka saadessaan
rauhassa toimia keksii keinon, millä katkaista ne siteet, joilla valheen
viekkaus on kahlehtinut heikomman ja horjuvan arvostelukykymme.

Filosofian kannalta, jolloin totuus näyttää kaksinaamaiselta, ei

kukaan ole eriskummaisempi kuin minä itse, mutta uskonnon
asioissa pysyn mielelläni selvällä tiellä. Ja vaikkakaan en sokeasti,
niin kuitenkin nöyrästi uskoen seuraan kirkon suurta ratasta, jonka
vetämänä liikun, enkä säilytä itselleni mitään omaa liikuntavapautta
aivojeni ahtaammassa piirissä. Siten en jätä mitään tilaa
harhakäsityksille, oppiriidoille ja erehdyksille, ja tällä hetkellä
saattanenkin totuutta loukkaamatta sanoa olevani kaikesta niiden
tartunnasta vapaa. Täytyyhän minun tunnustaa, että aikaisempiin
opintoihini sekoittui pari kolme harhakäsitystä, jotka eivät olleet viime
vuosisadoilta kotoisin, vaan vanhoja ja unohdettuja, niitä, joita
ainoastaan minun kaltaiseni säännöttömyyksiin johtuvat yltiöpäät
jälleen päivänvaloon tuovat. Harhaopit eivät näet häviä esittäjiensä
mukana, vaan ovat Arethusa-joen tapaisia, joka jossakin paikassa
maahan hävittyään jälleen puhkeaa esille toisessa paikassa.
 Yleinen kirkolliskokous ei kykene tykkänään tuhoamaan edes yhtä
ainoata harhaoppia, joskin se voi sen siksi hetkeksi sysätä syrjään.
Sillä ajan kierto ja olojen muutokset tuovat sen uudelleen esille,
jolloin se taas kukoistaa, kunnes jälleen tuomitaan. Käypi aivan kuin
sielunvaelluksessa, jos sielu siirtyisi ihmisestä toiseen: jonkun ajan
kuluttua mielipiteet jälleen löytävät henkilöitä ja mieliä,
samankaltaisia kuin nekin, jotka ensiksi herättivät ne eloon.
Saadaksemme jälleen nähdä itsemme, ei meidän tarvitse odottaa
Platon vuotta [jolloin kaikki asiat palaavat entiselleen], sillä ei kukaan
ihminen ole pelkkä itsensä. On ollut monta Diogenesta ja yhtä monta
Timonia, vaikka perin harvoja sen nimisiä; ihmiset eletään uudelleen
ja maailma on samanlainen kuin se oli muinaisinakin aikoina.
Joskaan ei silloin ollut olemassa jonkun ihmisen kaksoisolentoa, on
myöhemmin ollut semmoisia, jotka ovat niin sanoaksemme kuin
hänen uudelleen henkiin herännyt minuutensa.

Ensimmäinen noista harhakäsityksistäni oli se arabialaisten

esittämä, että ihmisten sielut häviävät heidän ruumiittensa mukana,
mutta tulevat viimeisenä päivänä jälleen herätettäviksi. Eipä sillä,
että olisin täysin käsittänyt sielun kuolevaisuutta, mutta jos sellainen
olisi mahdollista (mitä seikkaa filosofia ei ole vääräksi väittänyt,
vaikka kylläkin usko) ja molemmat yhdessä menisivät hautaan,
säilytin siitä kuitenkin saman käsityksen kuin mikä meillä kaikilla on
ruumiista, että se näet on nouseva jälleen. Sehän olisikin mitättömän
luontomme mukaista, jos nukkuisimme pimeydessä viimeiseen
herätyskäskyyn saakka. Vakavasti ajatellessani omaa
arvottomuuttani peräydyin vaatimasta mitään etuoikeutta sielulleni.
Jos vaan sain lopuksikin olla Vapahtajani seurassa, saatoin
kärsivällisesti tyytyä olemaan olemattomana melkeinpä ikuisuuteen
asti.
 Toinen harhakäsitys oli Origineen opettama, että Jumala ei ole
leppymätön vihassaan, vaan määrätyn ajan kuluttua vapauttaa
tuomitut sielut kidutuksesta. Tähän erehdykseen jouduin miettiessäni
vakavasti yhtä Jumalan suurista ominaisuuksista: Hänen
laupeuttansa. Tuudittelin itseäni siihen ajatukseen, koska en
huomannut siinä mitään pahaa, jotapaitsi se oli omiansa
käännyttämään minut takaisin äärimmäisestä epätoivosta, johon
synkkämieliset ja mietiskelevät luonteet liiankin helposti joutuvat.

On kolmaskin harhakäsitys, jota en milloinkaan varsinaisesti

kannattanut enkä noudattanut, mutta jonka usein olisin toivonut
olevan sopusoinnussa totuuden kanssa, loukkaamatta uskontoani, ja
se on rukoileminen kuolleitten puolesta. Olin siihen taipuvainen
jonkinlaisesta hyvänsuonnista, jolloin tuskin voin pidättää rukoustani
ystävän puolesta hautauskellojen soidessa tai nähdä hänen
ruumistansa kohottamatta esirukousta hänen sielunsa puolesta.
Ajattelin, että vainaja täten on kauniisti jälkimaailman muistissa,
paljon ylevämmin kuin historiassa.

Noista mielipiteistä en milloinkaan itsepäisesti pitänyt kiinni enkä

liioin yrittänyt ketään houkutella omaan uskooni, enpä edes niinkään
paljoa, että olisin ilmaissut niitä tai väitellyt niistä läheisimmänkään
ystävän kanssa. Minä en siis levittänyt sellaisia käsityksiä toisille
enkä niitä vahvistanut omassakaan mielessäni, vaan annoin niiden
pysyä vireillä omalla voimallansa, lisäämättä uutta polttoainetta,
joten ne huomaamatta itsestänsä sammuivat.

Niinpä nämä mielipiteet, vaikka ovatkin laillisissa kokouksissa

tuomitut, eivät olleet minussa mitään harhaoppeja, vaan pelkästään
erehdyksiä ja ymmärrykseni yksinkertaisia hairahduksia, joihin ei
liittynyt tahtoni turmeltumista. Ei ainoastaan turmeltunut ymmärrys,
vaan myöskin sairaalloiset tunteet on niillä, jotka eivät voi harrastaa
mitään erikoisasiaa joutumatta harhaoppiin tai esittää jotakin
käsitystä, muodostamatta samalla lahkokuntaa. Siinähän oli Luciferin
ensimäisen lankeemuksen kataluus, että hän ei tyytynyt vain
yksinään kulkemaan harhateillä, vaan viekoitteli puolelleen
legioonittain henkiä, ja tämän kokemuksensa mukaisesti hän kiusasi
vain Eevaa, hyvin ymmärtäen synnin kyvyn tarttua muihin ja sen,
että yhden eksyttäminen merkitsi hiljaisuudessa ja johdonmukaisesti
heidän molempain pettämistään.

Että harhakäsityksiä oli ilmestyvä, sitähän jo Kristus ennusti, mutta

että vanhat harhakäsitykset poistettaisiin, siitä meillä ei ole mitään
ennustusta. Ja että harhakäsityksiä täytyy olla, se ei toteudu
ainoastaan meidän kirkossamme, vaan kaikissa muissakin. Ja
harhaoppien joukossa tulee olemaan niistäkin poikkeavia
harhaoppeja. Areiolaisethan eivät ainoastaan eronneet kirkostansa,
vaan olivat erimielisiä keskenäänkin. Ne, jotka ovat taipuvaisia
erimielisyyteen ja luonnostansa aina uutta etsivät, eivät tietystikään
sovellu yhteiselämään eivätkä liioin milloinkaan tyydy yhden
yhdyskunnan järjestykseen ja hallintoon. Siitä syystä he erottuaan
toisista liittyvät keskenäänkin vain heikosti yhteen eivätkä edes tyydy
kirkkonsa yleiseen hajoittamiseen tai jaoitteluun, vaan jakautuvat
sitten itse melkeinpä aivan atomeihin saakka.

Totta on, että erinäiset ihmiset eivät ole milloinkaan olleet vapaita
eriskummaisista mielipiteistä ja käsityksistä. He ovat aina
säilyttäneet jotakin oman kirkkonsa tai minkä tahansa muun kirkon
käsityksen ohella ja yksityiseenkään täysin mukautumatta. Mutta
terve arvostelukyky saattaa näin menetellä herättämättä pahennusta
tai joutumatta harhaoppeihin, sillä onhan, kaikkien
kirkolliskokouksien päätöksistä ja koulukuntien määritelmistä
huolimatta, vielä monta koskematonta ja mieleenjohtumatonta asiaa,
joita rehellinen järki huoleti voi vapaasti käsitellä silti ollen loitolla
kaiken harhaopin piiristä.

Mitä sitten tulee noihin jumaluuden siivekkäihin salaisuuksiin ja

uskonnon hienoimpiin vivahduksiin, jotka ovat suistaneet
pätevämpien päiden aivoja saranoiltaan, eivät ne milloinkaan ole
minun ajuani pingoittaneet. Minun nähdäkseni ei reipas usko
havaitse uskonnossa kylliksi mahdottomuuksia; meidän uskontomme
syvimmät salaisuudet eivät ole ainoastaan saaneet valaistustansa,
vaan myöskin virikettänsä päätelmien ja järjen voimasta. Minä
vaivun mielelläni jonkin salaisuuden tutkimiseen, seuraamaan
järkeäni huippukohtaan asti. Minun yksinäinen virkistyskeinoni onkin
koettaa älyni avulla tutkia kolminaisuuden, Kristuksen
lihaantulemisen ja kuolleistanousemisen monimutkaisia pulmia. Voin
vastata kaikkiin saatanan väitteisiin ja kapinallisen järkeni
muistutuksiin tuolla merkillisellä lauseella, jonka olen oppinut
Tertullianukselta: Certum est, quia impossibile est [Se on varmaa,
koska se on mahdotonta]. Minä tahdon harjoittaa uskoani
vaikeimmassa kohdassa, sillä tavallisten ja näkyväisten asioiden
hyväksyminen ei ole uskoa, vaan opiskelua.

Muutamat uskovat paremmin nähtyänsä Kristuksen haudan; ja

kun he ovat nähneet Punaisen meren, eivät he epäile sen ylitse
kulkemisen ihmettä. Minä sitävastoin onnittelen itseäni ja olen
kiitollinen siitä, etten elänyt ihmetekojen päivinä enkä ole milloinkaan
nähnyt Kristusta enempää kuin hänen opetuslapsiaankaan. En olisi
tahtonut olla noiden israelilaisten mukana, jotka kulkivat Punaisen
meren yli, enkä yksikään Kristuksen potilaista, joille hän ihmeitänsä
teki, sillä uskoni olisi silloin ollut kuin pakolla minuun pantua enkä
silloin olisi voinut iloita siitä suuremmasta siunauksesta, joka on
luvattu niille, jotka uskovat, vaikka eivät näe. Onhan helppo ja pakko
uskoa sitä, mitä silmämme ja aistimme ovat tutkineet. Minä uskon,
että hän oli kuollut ja haudattu ja nousi kuolleista jälleen, ja toivon
mieluummin saavani nähdä hänet kunniassaan kuin katsella häntä
hautakappelissaan tai haudassaan. Eikä siinä olekaan paljoa
uskomista; meillä kun on järki, on tämä uskokin historian ansiota. Ne
vain omistivat rohkean ja ylevän uskon, jotka elivät ennen hänen
tulemistaan, jotka saattoivat epäselvien ennustuksien ja
salaperäisten esikuvien nojalla uskoa ja odottaa näköjään
mahdottomia asioita toteutuviksi.

On totta, että kaikessa lujassa uskossa on terävyytensä tai

yksinkertaisella vertauksella sanoaksemme miekkansa. Mutta näissä
hämärissä kysymyksissä minä mieluummin käytän samaa
vertaussanaa kuin apostoli käyttää, nimittäin kilpeä, jonka suojassa
ymmärtääkseni voi varovainen taistelija säilyä koskemattomana.
Siitä alkaen, kun opin käsittämään, ettemme mitään tiedä, on järkeni
ollut taipuvaisempi uskonalaisuuteen, ja nyt tyydyn ajattelemaan
jotakin salaisuutta, vaatimatta tarkempaa määritelmää, hyväksyen
helpomman ylimalkaisen kuvauksen. Hermes-jumalasta esitetty
allegorinen selitys miellyttää minua verrattomasti enemmän kuin
kaikki jumaluusoppineitten metafyysilliset määritelmät. Missä en voi
tyydyttää järkeni vaatimuksia, siinä mielelläni annan mielikuvitukseni
vapaasti liikehtiä. Yhtä hyvin saattaisin täysin asianmukaisena
hyväksyä väitteen, että anima est angelus hominis, est corpus Dei
[sielu on ihmisen enkeli, Jumalan ruumis] kuin ilmeisenä seikkana,
että Lux est umbra Dei [valo on Jumalan varjo].

Siinä, missä on järjellemme liian syvä hämäryys, on hyvä tyytyä

kuvauksiin, mukailuihin ja ylimalkaiseen hahmoitteluun. Sillä
osoittaessamme järjellemme, kuinka kykenemätön se on selittämään
luonnon näkyviä, ilmeisiä ilmiöitä, se käy nöyremmäksi ja
alistuvaisemmaksi suhteessaan uskon salaisuuksiin. Näin minä
opetan vastahakoista ja kesytöntä järkeäni kumartumaan uskon
viehätykseen. Uskon, että oli jo olemassa puu, jonka hedelmistä
onnettomat esivanhempani maistoivat, vaikka samassa luvussa,
jossa Jumala kieltää siitä syömästä, nimenomaan sanotaan, että
maassa ei vielä kasvanut kasveja, sillä Jumala ei vielä ollut antanut
sataa maan päälle. Lisäksi uskon, että käärme (jos se on
kirjaimellisesti niin ymmärrettävä) muotonsa ja rakenteensa takia
ryömi vatsallansa jo ennen kuin se kirottiin.

Minusta se koetus tyttöjen neitsyyden toteamiseksi, jonka Jumala

määräsi israelilaisille, on sangen epävarma. Kokemus ja historia
opettavat, etteivät ainoastaan monet yksityiset naiset, vaan vieläpä
kokonaiset kansakunnat ovat vapautuneet lasten synnyttämiseen
liittyvästä kirouksesta, jonka Jumala näyttää määränneen koko
ihmissuvulle. Siitä huolimatta uskon, että kaikki tämä on totta, vaikka
tosin järkeni saattaisi vakuuttaa minun olevan väärässä. Tätä en
suinkaan pidä alhaisena puolena uskoa, jos uskomme asian, joka ei
ainoastaan ole järkemme yläpuolella, vaan vieläpä sitä vastaankin ja
aistimiemme todistusten kanssa ristiriidassa.

Sulkeutuessani yksinäisyyteen mielikuvituksessani

(neque enim cum porticus aut me lectulus

accepit, desum mihi),

muistan etten sittenkään ole yksinäni, enkä siis unohda mietiskellä

Jumalaa ja hänen ominaisuuksiansa, etenkin noita kahta valtavaa
ominaisuutta: viisautta ja iankaikkisuutta. Toisella niistä virkistän
ymmärrystäni, toisella taas sitä tyrmistytän. Sillä kuka voi puhua
iankaikkisuudesta, joutumatta virheeseen syypääksi, tai ajatella sitä
hurmautumatta? Aikaa voimme käsittää; sehän on vain viittä päivää
vanhempi kuin me itse, ja sen kohtalo on sama kuin maailman.
Mutta jos on palattava taaksepäin niin pitkälle, että pääsisimme
havaitsemaan alun, tai jos yritämme päästä niin rajattomasti
eteenpäin, että näkisimme lopun, kun kerran vakuutamme, ettei
kumpaakaan ole, panee se järkeni Paavalin järjen tavoin
pysähtymään. Minun filosofiani ei uskalla väittää, että enkelitkään
siihen pystyisivät. Jumala ei ole tehnyt yhtään luotuansa
kykeneväksi häntä käsittämään; se jää hänen oman olemuksensa
etuoikeudeksi. Minä olen se mikä olen oli hänen oma
määritelmänsä, jonka hän antoi Moosekselle, ja se oli lyhyt, omansa
hämmentämään kuolevaista, joka uskalsi kysyä Jumalalta tai pyytää
selitystä, mikä hän oli. Hänpä todella vain on, kaikki muut ovat olleet
ja tulevat olemaan.

Mutta iankaikkisuudessa ei ole mitään eroa aikamuotojen välillä ja

siitä syystä tuo kauhea sana predestinatio [edeltämääräys], joka on
vaivannut niin monta heikkoa päätä käsittämään ja monta viisainta
yrittämään sitä selittää, ei ole Jumalan kannalta mitään edeltäpäin
tietävää tulevaisen kohtalon määräämistä, vaan hänen jo täyttyneen
tahtonsa lopullinen ilmaus samalla hetkellä kuin hän asian päättikin.
Sillä hänen iankaikkisuutensa kannalta, joka on jaksoihin
jakautumaton ja sisältää kaikki alusta loppuun saakka, on viimeinen
pasuuna jo soinut, tuomitut jo liekeissä ja siunatut Aabrahamin
helmaan päässeet. Pietari puhuu vaatimattomasti sanoessaan, että
tuhannen vuotta Jumalan edessä on kuin yksi päivä, sillä
puhuaksemme filosofin tavoin ne ajanhetket, jotka muodostavat
tuhannen vuotta, eivät Jumalan edessä ole edes hetkeäkään. Se,
mikä meille on vielä tulevaa, on hänen iankaikkisuutensa kannalta jo
nykyistä, sillä hänen koko olevaisuutensa on yksi ainoa pysyvä
kokonaisuus, jossa ei ole jatkuvaisuutta, ei osia, ei vaihtelua eikä
jakautumista.

Mitään muuta Jumalan ominaisuutta ei ole, joka enemmän lisäisi

kolminaisuuden salaisuuden pulmaa, — jossa, vaikkakin
suhteellisesti puhumme Isästä ja Pojasta, emme kuitenkaan voi
myöntää toiselle mitään vanhemmuutta. Minua ihmetyttää, kuinka
Aristoteles saattoi pitää maailmaa iankaikkisena tai kuinka hän voi
sovittaa toisiinsa kaksi iankaikkisuutta. Hänen vertauksensa
kolmiosta, joka sisältyy neliöön, saattaa jotenkin valaista sielumme
kolminaista olemusta ja tämä taas Jumalan kolmiyhteyttä, sillä
meissä ei ole kolmea sielua, vaan sielujen kolminaisuus. Meissä on
näet, jollei kolmea eri sielua, kuitenkin toisistaan eroavia sielun
kykyjä, jotka voivat olla ja todella ovatkin erillään eri olioissa, mutta
meissä ovat niin yhdistetyt, että niistä tulee yhden ainoan sielun
olemus. Jos yksi sielu olisi niin täydellinen, että se elähyttäisi kolmea
eri ruumista, olisi siinä jo pikku kolminaisuus: ajatellaanpa
nimenomaan kolme olemusta, jotka eivät ole eroitetut toisistaan
ymmärryksensä puolesta, vaan todellisuudessa kuuluvat sen
yhtenäisyyteen, niin siinä on täydellinen kolminaisuus.

Usein olen ihmetellyt Pythagoraan salaperäisiä ajatuksia ja

numeroiden salaista taikaa. Varoitus, että kavahtaisimme filosofiaa,
on neuvo, jota ei ole noudatettava liian laveassa merkityksessä, sillä
luonnon moninaisuudessa on asioita, joiden otsaan on merkitty
(vaikka tosin ei suurilla kirjaimilla, niin ainakin pikakirjoituksella ja
lyhyillä merkeillä) joitakin piirteitä jumalallisuudesta, jotka
viisaammille riittävät tulisoihduiksi tiedon sokkeloluolissa ja
arvostelukykyisille uskovaisille askelmiksi, heidän päästäkseen
kiipeämään jumaluuden korkeimmille huipuille. Ankarammat filosofi-
koulukunnat eivät milloinkaan saata minua pilkanteollansa
hylkäämään sitä Hermeen filosofista käsitystä, että tämä näkyväinen
maailma on vain näkymättömän kuva, jossa, niinkuin konsanaan
muotokuvassa, asiat eivät ole todellisessa, vaan kuvaannollisessa
hahmossaan, ja niinkuin jäljitellään todellisempiakin olioita tuossa
näkymättömässä tehtaassa.

Toinen Jumalan ominaisuus, jonka tutkimisella virkistän

hurskauttani, on hänen viisautensa, jonka ajattelemisessa tunnen
itseni onnelliseksi. Pelkästään tätä mietiskellessäni en kadu, että
olen saanut oppisivistystä. Se etu, joka minulla siinä on tavallisten
ihmisten rinnalla, ja se tyytyväisyys ja onnellisuus, jonka siitä saan,
on runsas korvaus vaivannäöistäni, olkoonpa ollut niiden aiheena
mikä tiedon ala hyvänsä. Viisaus on Jumalan ihanin ominaisuus.
Kukaan ihminen ei voi sitä saavuttaa, ja kuitenkin Salomo oli
mieluinen Jumalalle, toivoessaan itselleen viisautta.

Jumala on viisas, koska hän tietää kaikki asiat, ja nämä hän tietää,
koska on ne itse tehnyt, mutta hänen suurin tietonsa on sen
käsittäminen, mitä hän ei ole tehnyt, nimittäin itsensä. Ja tämä on
myöskin ihmisen suurin tieto.

Senvuoksi pidän kunniassa omaa ammattiani ja otan vastaan

neuvoja, vieläpä itse paholaiselta. Jos hän olisi paratiisissa esittänyt
sitä, mitä hän esitti Delfoissa, tuntisimme paremmin itsemme
emmekä pelkäisi niin oppia tuntemaan häntä.

Minä tiedän, että Jumala on viisas ja ihmeellinen kaikessa, mitä

tajuamme, mutta verrattomasti ihmeellisempi siinä, mitä emme
käsitä. Sillä me näemme hänet vain välillisesti, kuin heijastuksena tai
varjona. Ymmärryksemme on hämärämpi kuin Mooseksen silmä,
emmekä tiedä mitään hänen jumaluutensa toisista tai alemmista
puolista. Siitä syystä hänen teittensä sokkeloihin kurkisteleminen ei
ole ainoastaan hulluutta ihmisessä, vaan julkeutta yksinpä
enkeleiden puolelta. Hekin ovat, kuten me, hänen palvelijoitansa
eivätkä hänen senaattoreitaan: hänellä ei ole muuta kuin
kolminaisuuden salaperäinen neuvosto, jossa, vaikka siinä onkin
kolme persoonaa, on vain yksi tahto ratkaisemassa ja määräämässä
ilman vastaväitteitä. Sitäpaitsi hän ei tarvitse neuvonantajia: hänen
toimensa eivät johdu harkinnasta, sillä hänen viisautensa tietysti
tietää, mikä on parasta. Hänen älynsä on aina valmiina, täynnä
hyvyyden korkeimpia ja puhtaimpia aatteita; harkinta ja valinta, jotka
meissä ovat kaksi eri asiaa, ovat hänessä yhtenä, ja hänen tekonsa
purkautuvat hänen voimastaan esille hänen tahtonsa ensimmäisellä
kosketuksella.

Nämä ovat metafyysillisiä mietiskelyjä; minun vaatimattomat

mietteeni kulkevat toista uraa ja tyytyvät etsimään ja löytämään niitä
ilmauksia, jotka hän on jättänyt luotuihinsa sekä luonnon
silminnähtäviin ilmiöihin. Näihin salaisuuksiin tunkeutumisessa ei ole
vaaraa, filosofiasta puuttuu sanctum sanctorum [kaikkein pyhin].
Maailma tehtiin luontokappalten asuttavaksi, mutta ihmisen
tutkittavaksi ja katseltavaksi. Sen on järkemme velkaa Jumalalle, ja
siinä suoritettavamme tunnustus siitä, ettemme ole luontokappaleita.
Ilman tätä maailma on vielä niinkuin ei sitä olisikaan ollut, tai niinkuin
se oli ennen kuudetta päivää, jolloin ei vielä ollut luotua olentoa
käsittämässä ja sanomassa, että on maailma. Jumalan viisaus ei
saa suurtakaan kunniaa niiden arki-ihmisten puolelta, jotka vain
tuijottavat ympärilleen ja törkeän kömpelösti ihailevat hänen
tekojaan; ne vain häntä korkeasti ylistävät, jotka ymmärtäväisesti
pyrkien tutkimaan hänen tekojansa ja hartaasti syventymään hänen
luomakuntaansa täyttävät velvollisuutta hurskaasti ja valistuneesti
ihailla Jumalan tekoja.
 Ja tämä on melkein ainoa kohta, jossa vähäpätöinen luotu olento
voi yrittää osoittaa kiitollisuuttaan ja jollakin tavoin korvata
Luojalleen, sillä jollei se, joka sanoo »Herra, Herra», tule taivaan
valtakuntaan, vaan se, joka tekee taivaallisen Isän tahdon, niin
täytyy totisesti tahtojemme olla samaa kuin tekomme, ja
aikomustemme kelvata töiden sijasta. Muussa tapauksessa
hurskaatkin toimemme tuottavat meille vain tuskaa, yksinpä
haudassamme, ja parhaimmatkin yrityksemme saattavat meidät, ei
toivomaan, vaan pelkäämään kuolleitten ylösnousemista.

Joka oliolla on vain yksi ensimmäinen syynsä ja neljä toisarvoista

syytä. Toisilla ei ole alkuunpanijaa, kuten esimerkiksi Jumalalla;
toiset ovat aineettomia, kuten enkelit; toisilla ei ole muotoa, kuten
esimerkiksi ensimmäisellä aineella, mutta jokaisella oliolla, joko
luodulla tai luomattomalla, on jokin lopullinen syy ja jokin
nimenomainen päämäärä sekä olemuksellensa että toiminnallensa.
Tätä lopullista syytä minä etsin luonnon ilmiöissä, ja siihen perustuu
Jumalan kaitselmus. Vain hänen taitonsa ilmausta oli luoda niin
kaunis rakenne kuin maailma ja sen olennot, mutta niiden
moninaiset ja erilaiset toimintamuodot edeltäpäin pantuine
päämäärineen ovat Jumalan viisauden aarrekammiosta kotoisin.
Auringon ja kuun pimennyksen syissä, ominaisuuksissa ja
vaikutuksissa on erinomaisia tutkimisen aiheita, mutta kun pyrimme
syvemmälle miettiessämme, miksi hänen kaitselmuksensa on niin
järjestänyt ja määrännyt niiden liikkeet tuossa äärettömässä
kehässä, että ne sattuvat yhteen ja pimittävät toisiaan, on siinä
vieläkin ihastuttavampaa tehtävää järjelle ja jumalallisempi
filosofisen ajattelun esine.

Siitäpä syystä minusta joskus ja joissakin asioissa näyttää

Galenuksen kirjassa De Usu Partium olevan yhtä paljon
jumaluusoppia kuin Suarezin metafysiikassa. Jos Aristoteles olisi
ollut yhtä tiedonhaluinen tämän asian kuin muiden tutkimisessa, ei
hän olisi jättänyt jälkeensä niin epätäydellistä filosofiaa, vaan aivan
täydellisen jumaluusopin.

Natura nihil agit frustra [luonto ei mitään tee turhaan] on ainoa

kiistämätön selviö filosofiassa. Luonnossa ei ole mitään
eriskummaista; ei mitään, joka olisi tarkoitettu täyttämään tyhjiä
paikkoja ja tarpeettomia aloja. Epätäydellisimmissäkin luoduissa
olennoissa ja sellaisissa, joita ei Noakin arkissa säilytetty, vaan joita
on kaikkialla, missä auringon elähdyttävä voima vaikuttaa, koska
niiden siemen ja elämänmahdollisuudet olivat luonnon helmaan
kätkettyjä, näkyy Jumalan töiden viisaus. Siitä piiristä Salomo valitsi
ihailunsa esineet. Mitäpä kaikkea onkaan järjen opittava mehiläisten,
muurahaisten ja hämähäkkien viisaudesta? Kuinka viisas onkaan se
käsi, joka on opettanut niille sellaista, mitä järki ei voi opettaa meille?

Kehittymättömämpi järki hämmästyy nähdessään sellaisia luonnon

suurenmoisia töitä, kuin valaskaloja, norsuja, dromedaareja ja
kameeleja. Nehän ovatkin, sen myönnän, luonnon jättiläisiä ja
majesteetillisia teoksia. Mutta noissa pienissä koneissa on
ihmeellisempää matematiikkaa, ja noiden pienten
luonnonasukkaitten kehittyneisyys ilmaisee vielä selvemmin niiden
luojan viisautta. Kukapa ei ihmettelisi Regiomontanuksen kärpästä
enemmän kuin hänen kotkaansa tai enemmän noiden pienten
hyönteisten ruumiissa toimivia kahta sielua kuin yhtä seetripuun
rungossa?

En ole milloinkaan voinut tyytyä katselemaan noita yleisiä ihmeitä,

jollaisia ovat meren vuoksi ja luode, Niilin tulvehtiminen ja kompassin
neulan kääntyminen pohjoista kohti, vaan olen tavoittanut näiden
veroisia ihmeitä luonnon tutummissa ja enemmän laiminlyödyissä
ilmiöissä, joita kauemmaksi matkustamatta saatan tutkia oman itseni
pienoismaailmassa. Meissä itsessämme ovat ne ihmeet, joita
etsimme ulkopuolelta: koko Afrika ihmeellisine ilmiöineen on meissä;
me juuri olemme sellainen luonnon uhkea ja vaiherikas kappale, että
viisaasti työskentelevä tutkija meissä tapaa yhteen paikkaan
koottuna sen, mitä toiset työläästi löytävät eri tahoilta ja äärettömän
laajalta alalta.

Kahdesta kirjasta siis kokoan jumaluusoppini pääpiirteet: Jumalan

kirjoittaman kirjan ohella on toinen hänen palvelijansa Luonnon
kirjoittama, kaikille yhteinen ja julkinen käsikirjoitus, joka on kaikkien
meidän nähtäväksemme levitetty. Ne, jotka eivät ole nähneet
Jumalaa toisessa, ovat löytäneet hänet toisesta. Tämä jälkimäinen
oli pakanain raamattu ja jumaluusopin väline. Auringon luonnollinen
liike saattoi heidät ihailemaan Jumalaa enemmän kuin sen
yliluonnollinen pysähdys ihmetytti Israelin lapsia, ja luonnon tavalliset
ilmiöt herättivät heissä enemmän ihailua kuin kaikki Jumalan ihmeet
jälkimäisissä. Varmasti pakanat paremmin ymmärsivät tavata ja
lukea noita salaperäisiä kirjaimia kuin me kristityt, jotka
välinpitämättömämmin tarkastelemme näitä tavallisia hieroglyyfejä
emmekä viitsi koota jumalantietoa kedon kukista. Toisaalta en
unohda Jumalaa niin että palvoisin luontoa. Tätä en oppineitten
tavoin määrittele liikunnon ja levon alkuaiheeksi, vaan suoraksi ja
säännölliseksi viivaksi, tarkoin määrätyksi ja jatkuvaksi suunnaksi,
jota myöten Jumalan viisaus on määrännyt luotujen olentojensa
elämän kulkemaan, kunkin erikoislaadun mukaan. Auringon luontona
on tehdä kierroksensa joka päivä sen vuoksi, että Jumala on sen
sille säätänyt, eikä se voi siitä poiketa muutoin kuin sen äänen
voimasta, jolta se ensiksi sai liikuntonsa.
 Tätä luonnon kulkua Jumala vain harvoin muuttaa tai keskeyttää.
Hän on, kuten erinomainen taiteilija, niin suunnitellut työnsä, että
juuri tuon teoksensa avulla, tarvitsematta mitään uutta luoda, voi
toimeenpanna salatuimmatkin aikomuksensa. Niinpä hän sulostuttaa
järviä metsillä, säilyttää arkissa luotujansa, vaikka hänen suunsa
henkäys olisi riittänyt yhtä helposti ne uudelleen luomaan. Sillä
Jumala on kuin taitava mittausopin tutkija, joka voisi helpommin ja
yhdellä ainoalla harppinsa vedolla jakaa suoran viivan, ja joka
kuitenkin mieluummin tekee sen ympyrän avulla tai
monimutkaisemmalla tavalla, taiteensa sääntöjen ja ennakolta
määrättyjen perusteitten mukaan.

Tästä säännöstänsä hän kuitenkin joskus poikkeaa osoittaakseen

maailmalle etuoikeutensa, jottei järkemme ylpeydessään panisi
kysymyksenalaiseksi hänen voimaansa ja päättelisi, ettei hän siihen
kykene. Siten nimitän luonnon ilmiöitä Jumalan töiksi, sillä luontokin
on vain Jumalan käsi ja välikappale. Siis Jumalan töiden
omistaminen luonnon toimittamiksi on vain itse tekijän kunnian
siirtämistä hänen työaseellensa. Jos näin voimme hyvällä syyllä
tehdä, antakaamme silloin vasaramme kohottaa päätänsä ja kerskua
rakentaneensa talomme ja ottakoon kynämme itsellensä kunnian
kirjoituksemme laatimisesta.

Minusta Jumalan teoissa on yleensä nähtävissä kauneus, ja

senvuoksi luomakunnan olioissa ei ole minkäänlaista
epämuodostusta olemassa. En ymmärrä, minkä logiikan perusteella
nimitämme rupisammakkoa, karhua tai norsua rumaksi. Niillähän on
ne muodot ja rakenteet, jotka parhaiten ilmaisevat niiden sisällistä
toimintaa, ja ne ovat läpäisseet Jumalan lopullisen tarkastuksen,
joka näki, että kaikki, mitä hän oli tehnyt, oli hyvää ja siis hänen
tahtonsa mukaista, ja joka ei muodottomuuksia suosi, vaan on
järjestyksen ja kauneuden perustus. Ainoastaan n.s.
luonnonoikuissa on epämuotoisuutta, vaikka niissäkin sentään on
jonkinlaista kauneutta. Luonto rakentaa näet niin nerokkaasti
epäsäännöllisetkin osat, että ne joskus käyvät huomattavammiksi
kuin itse päärakennus.

Vielä tarkemmin lausuaksemme, ei ole koskaan ollut mitään

rumaa tai rujomuotoista paitsi kaaos, mutta tässäkään (täsmällisesti
puhuen) ei ollut mitään epämuotoista, koska sillä ei ollutkaan
muotoa. Sitäpaitsi ei se ollut vielä Jumalan äänen hedelmöittävää
vaikutusta kuullut. Luonto ei ole taiteen kanssa ristiriidassa enempää
kuin taidekaan luonnon kanssa. Sillä molemmat ovat Jumalan
kaitselmuksen toimeenpanijoita. Taide on luonnon täydellistymistä.
Jos maailma olisi vielä sellainen kuin se oli kuudentena päivänä, olisi
vielä olemassa kaaos. Luonto on tehnyt yhden maailman, taide
toisen. Lyhyesti sanoen, kaikki asiat ovat taideteoksia, sillä luonto on
Jumalan taidetta.

Tämä on hänen kaitselmuksensa yleinen ja avoin tie, jonka taito ja

uutteruus ovat suureksi osaksi keksineet. Sen vaikutuksia voimme
edeltäpäin määritellä, tarvitsematta siihen oraakkelia. Eikä niiden
edeltäpäin ilmoittaminen ole ennustamista, vaan luonnollisten
seurausten osoittamista. Mutta on toinenkin tie, täynnä mutkia ja
sokkeloita, joista paholaisella ja hengillä ei ole aivan tarkkoja
muistiinpanoja. Ja se on hänen kaitselmuksensa erikoisempi ja
salatumpi puoli ja johtaa yksilöiden ja erikoisolioiden toimia. Me
nimitämme Fortunaksi, onneksi, tätä mutkikasta, kiemurtelevaa
viivaa, jonka kaltaisiksi hän säätää viisautensa suunnittelemia tekoja
oudommalla ja salatummalla tavalla.
 Tätä hänen kaitselmuksensa salaista ja monimutkaista
menettelytapaa olen aina ihaillut, enkä voi elämäni vaiheita, minua
kohdanneita tapauksia, vaaroista pelastumisiani ja hyviä sattumuksia
lukea pelkästään onnen oikuiksi, sitä niistä kiittäen, tai hyvän tähteni
suosiosta johtuneiksi. Aabraham olisi voinut ajatella, että oinas oli
joutunut pensaikkoon sattumalta; inhimillinen järki olisi voinut sanoa,
että pelkkä sattuma johdatti Mooseksen ruokovasussansa faaraon
tyttären nähtäväksi. Ja mikä sokkelo onkaan Joosefin historiassa,
joka kykenisi käännyttämään stoalaisenkin!

Varmasti on jokaisenkin elämässä erinäisiä häiriöitä, mutkia ja

survaisuja, joita aluksi voidaan luulla sattumiksi, mutta jotka lopuksi,
tarkoin tutkittuina, osoittautuvat pelkästään Jumalan sormen
johtamiksi. Ei ollut mikään sokea sattuma, joka saattoi kirjeen
harhaan joutumisella ilmi tunnetun ruutisalaliiton. Minä pidän vuonna
1588 saavutettua voittoa sitä suuremmassa arvossa sen ainoan
tapauksen vuoksi, jota vihollisemme sanoivat häpeäksemme ja
onnen puolueellisuudeksi, nimittäin myrskyjen ja vastatuulten.
Kuningas Filip ei kuitenkaan halventanut meidän kansallisuuttamme
sanoessaan lähettäneensä laivastonsa taistelemaan ihmisiä eikä
tuulia vastaan. Missä on huomattavana ilmeinen voimien ero kahden
eri tekijän välillä, voimme järjen päätelmillä luvata voiton
väkevämmälle; jos taas odottamattomia asianhaaroja siihen liittyy ja
aavistamattomia tapauksia väliin sattuu, täytyy näiden tulla sellaisen
tekijän taholta, jonka ei tarvitse noudattaa järkemme päätelmiä ja
jonka käden jälkiä voimme nähdä, niinkuin nähtiin seinälle
ilmestyneessä kirjoituksessa, vaikka emme voikaan huomata
kädenliikkeen alkuunpanijaa. Pienen Hollannin saavuttamaa
vaurautta (kansan, josta Turkin sultaani ylpeästi sanoi: jos he häntä
häiritsisivät, niinkuin espanjalaisia, lähettäisi hän miehensä
lapioineen ja kuokkineen heittämään sen mereen) en voi kokonaan