(20th Century Fox and DreamWorks Animation SKG with 2014 animated logo as the boy

on the moon replaces the penguins)

Narrator: Antarctica, an inhospitable wasteland, but even here, on the Earth's

frozen bottom, we find life.

Cue Private's egg revealed under the snow, which rolls over the snow.

Narrator: And not just any life...

Penguins.

Joyous, frolicking, waddling, cute and cuddly life. Look at them, tumbling onto
their chubby bum bums. Who could take these frisky snow-clowns...

As the older penguins almost fall on baby Skipper, Rico, and Kowalski, they move
out of the way.

Skipper: Seriously? Does anyone even know where we're marching to?

Penguin #1: Who cares?

Penguin #2: I question nothing.

Penguin #3: Me, too.

Penguin #4: Me, too.

Skipper: Well, fine. We'll just fly to the front of the line and see for ourselves.
Kowalski, Rico, engage aerial surveillance.

(They flap their wings, but cannot fly.)

Kowalski: Skipper, we appear to be flightless.

Skipper: [looks at his wings] Oh, well, what's the point of these?

(Rico seems to have an idea. He hits Skipper's wing in some sort of high five.)

Skipper: Whoa, I like it! Hey, this could be our thing! What're we going to call
it? Let's call it the, uh... high one.

(The egg rolls under the trio, flipping them over.)

Skipper: Hey! Anybody see that? That's an egg! Is someone gonna go get it?

Penguin #5: We can't do that.

Skipper: Why not?

Penguin #6: Well, it's a dangerous world out there, and we're just penguins. You
know, nothing but cute and cuddly.

Penguin #7: Yeah. Why do you think there are always documentary crews filming us?

(Zoom out a bit to see a cameraman and sound man recording the penguin line.)

Penguin #8: Well, sorry, kid. You know, we lose a few eggs every year. It's just
nature.
Skipper: Oh, right, nature. I guess that makes sense, but... something... something
deep down in my gut tells me that it makes no sense at all. You know what? I reject
nature!

The other adult penguins gasp in disbelief.

Skipper: Who's with me?!

(Skipper cries out and starts sliding towards the egg. A huge cliff is at the edge
of the plains, which Skipper realizes and the egg stops right on. Skipper tries to
slide the other way but is unable to stop his inertia, pushing both the egg and
himself off the cliff. Kowalski and Rico grab him just in time and swing back onto
the high ground. The egg slides between icy spikes without cracks, lands on a
shallow ice shelf sliding off, rolls up into a large snowball, leaping off onto a
ship at the bottom of the ship, the penguins gaping in horror at each step. The
snowball cracks and the egg rolls down safely onto the deck, and the penguins sigh
in relief.)

Kowalski: The old ship. No one's ever returned from there alive.

(A seagull rests on a barrel)

Skipper: Relax, Kowalski. There's a bird down there now. Look, he's fine.

(A leopard seal comes out of the hole and eats the seagull)

Skipper: Leopard seals... nature's snakes.

Kowalski: Aren't snakes nature's snakes?

Skipper: How should I know? I live on the flipping frozen tundra.

(Two more seals join the first in their approach of the egg)

Skipper: They're going for the egg! Give me a way down there, ASAP!

Kowalski: All one would have to do is collect 300 feet of kelp, dry it in the...

Narrator: Tiny and helpless, the baby penguins are frozen with fear. They know if
they fall from this cliff, they will surely die. Gunter, give them a shove.

Kowalski: …harnessing the jellyfish we've trained to obey simple voice commands.

(The sound man shoves the penguins off the cliff with his mic)

Skipper: Now, that's more like it!

(The penguins go through the exact same sequence the egg did, later sliding across
the boat. Rico grabs the egg)

Skipper: That-a-boy, Rico! Don't let him have it!

(Rico hesitates for a split second, then decides to swallow the egg, prompting
shock from the seals)

Okay. I guess that works.

(The seals now try to eat the penguins,)

Kowalski: Get to high ground!

(The penguins reach up to a higher level, swinging on a rope and landing on a large
harpoon gun. The seals slowly climb)

Skipper: Boo-yah!

Kowalski: Success!

Kowalski: I'd recommend firing it now.

Skipper: Nope, hold on.

Kowalski: Uh, we really should fire it.

Skipper: Not till we see the white of its eyes.

Kowalski: They're mostly pupil. Very little white. Almost none!

Skipper: They got to have a little bit of white, right?

Kowalski: None whatsoever.

Skipper: What if they look really far to the left?

(The seal in Skipper's face bites, but he slaps it, its body triggering the gun's
switch)

Skipper: Fire in the hole!

(The gun launches the harpoon and penguins, bouncing off the ship's pipe and flying
higher. Cinematic black bars adorn the screen as the penguins soar through the air.
The harpoon passes over the bottom bar. In normal view, the ship's pipe leans over
the side. Rico lands flat on an iceberg, Kowalski right on top of the former's
belly spitting out the egg, Skipper upside down on Kowalski's head, and the egg
safely on the top of the penguin tower. The ship explodes from afar, and the shock
sets the iceberg slightly in motion)

Skipper: Kowalski, analysis?

Kowalski: We are... really... awesome at this!

Skipper: Boys, we did it! Mission accomplished! Hey, we could do our thing! High
one!

(They all high five, until Skipper accidentally slaps the egg they just saved.)

Skipper: Oops. My bad.

(The penguins all look in awe as the egg is about to hatch.)

Skipper: Look, it's... it's the miracle of birth.

Kowalski: A moment of extraordinary beauty.

(Private's egg explodes open, splashing the three penguins in goop, much to their
disgust.)
Skipper: Daaagh!! That is disgusting! I think I have amniotic sac in my mouth!

(Much to the surprise of the three penguins, the newly hatched Private gets up, but
look at him lovingly.)

Private: Hello. Are you my family?

(The three penguins are wide-eyed and look back, realizing they're floating away
from land, and nod to each other before turning back to face Private.)

Kowalski: You don't have a family, and we're all going to die. Sorry.

Private: Wh-Wha...?

(Skipper elbows Kowalski.)

Kowalski: What? I thought that was what we were all nodding about.

Skipper: (hits Kowalski) No one's gonna die! [to Private] Y'know what you got, kid?
You've got us. We've got each other. If that ain't a family, I don't know what is.

(He salutes Private, who salutes back.)

Skipper: [tussles Private's head] So adorable.

(He turns away from Private, looking at the sun.)

Skipper: Kowalski, what's our trajectory?

Kowalski: 95% certain we're still doomed.

Skipper: And the, uh... other five percent?

Kowalski: Adventure and glory like no penguins have ever seen before.

Skipper: I'll take that action.

Private: But where are we going?

Skipper: The future, boys. The glorious future!

[The Glorious Future; 10 years later]

(We see all four silhouettes of Marty, Melman, Gloria and Alex dancing from the
Afro Circus after defeating Chantel DuBois and her henchmen of the Monaco Animal
Control in Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted. Kowalski lights a long fuse. A
mashup of "I Like To Move It Move It" and "Afro-Circus" plays)

Skipper: Ah, that song! I swear it's gonna make me lose my salmon.

Kowalski: Singing getting louder, Skipper!

Skipper: Well, move faster! Somebody get that wig off Private.

[Private was dancing to the mashup with a rainbow afro wig and Rico removes the wig
of Private's head]

Skipper: Kowalski, status report!

Kowalski: I'm really getting tired of this song!

(Kowalski, Rico and Private pole vault a banner and themselves into a cannon full
of dynamite)

Skipper: Well, the best part of owning a circus is you can transport a cannon over
state lines.

(The fuse reaches the cannons hull. Fireworks fly out of the circus tent along with
the Penguins, who use the banner as a parachute. The title card appears,
illuminated by the firework spectacle)

Skipper: Ten years ago on this very day, a tiny egg hatched, and our world got a
little bit cuter. So tonight, Private, we celebrate your birthday by infiltrating
the United States gold depository at Fort Knox!

Kowalski: Splendid!

Private: What?

Skipper: There she is, boys. The object of our unholy desire. The butter on our
biscuit. The royal flush.

Private: Skipper?

Skipper: Private, what's our rule about interrupting analogies?

Private: Sorry. Please continue.

Skipper: The moment's gone. Private ruined it.

Kowalski: Sir, we're approaching our target.

(The Penguins slam into a wall of the Fort, and the parachute hangs on the corner
while the penguins fall on their backs.)

Private: But, Skipper, I really don't...

Skipper: Are you questioning my leadership, Private?

Private: No, sir.

Skipper: Too bad.

[The Penguins quickly get back up]

Skipper: 'Cause I respect a soldier with some moxie.

Private: Really? Then I really think we should...

Skipper: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dial back the moxie, sass-mouth. Oh, look at you. Still
so adorable.

(Below, a guard steps out of the building)

Skipper: (quietly) Fire in the hole!

(They throw a toy clock from the ceiling onto the ground in front of the guards; it
spins wildly and stops at 8.)
Guard: Huh...?

Toy Clock: 8 o'clock. Night night time.

(The Clock emits a Pink Gaseous Clouds which makes the Guards lie down unconscious.
The penguins slip into the building)

Skipper: Private, come on!

(On the loading zone, the penguins roll intermittent accordingly to the pattern on
the zone, staying hidden in plain sight. They approach a triple-lock steel door)

Automated Male Voice: Please enter pass code.

Skipper: Kowalski, you're up.

Automated Male Voice: Please enter pass code.

Kowalski: Rico, sonic incursion device.

(Rico hands him a cassette player. He presses rewind on it and then he presses the
play button, playing "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" by Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs)

Skipper: (Incredulous) Oh, come on, you're kidding right?

Kowalski: Kentucky, Skipper. They do love their Flatt and Scruggs.

Recording: Y'all come in now, y'hear? Have yourself a iced tea.

(One by one, the locks on the door unlock, and the door slowly opens, creeping
yellow light across the penguins' fronts. Inside the vault lays mountains of bars
of gold to shame millionaires.)

Skipper: Private, if you could have anything you wanted in the whole wide world,
what would it be?

Private: Well, gee, Skipper. I think to be a meaningful and valued member of this
team.

Skipper: Oh, well, we got you something else.

(The camera zooms in to a vending machine in the break room. Kowalski and Rico both
carry Private in front of Skipper.)

Private: A vending machine?

Skipper: Well, not just any vending machine, Private. The last remaining home in
America's nanny state for those succulent but chemically-hazardous bits of puffed
heaven called...

Private: [gasps] Cheesy Dibbles!

Skipper: [gives Private a coin] Happy ding-dong birthday, ya little scamp!

Private: Thank you.

(Private pecks Skipper on the cheek, followed by Kowalski, finally giving one to
Rico, only for the latter to hold Private for ten seconds before releasing him. Cue
Skipper, Kowalski and Rico smiling at Private with satisfaction.)

Skipper: You mess with the bull, you're gonna get the horns, Private. Now hit that
machine and get your present.

(Private tosses the coin into the machine and tries to reach in the slot to get the
bag.)

Skipper: We just broke in the most secure facility in North America. Do you know
what that means?

Kowalski: We're wanted criminals who will be on the lam for the rest of their
lives, always feeling the hot breath of Johnny Law on our necks?

Skipper: No! It means, as elite units go, we're the elitist of the elite. Top shelf
in the bureau. Penultimate, plus one.

(As Private struggles to get the bag out of the vending machine he ends up getting
pulled into the machine.)

Skipper: Where'd Private go?

(They walk over closer to the vending machine.)

Kowalski: Oh, there he is.

(The penguins notice that Private is stuck up in the machine.)

Kowalski: D3.

Skipper: Oh, Private. How much is he?

Kowalski: He's three dollars and fifty cents, sir.

Skipper: Well, that's outrageous. Even for Private.

(Suddenly, an octopus tentacle comes out of the vending machine slot, grabs Rico
and takes him into the machine.)

Kowalski: Sir, the machine is alive!

(The octopus tentacle comes out of vending machine again and takes Kowalski.)

Skipper: [angrily] Well, I don't think I like your attitude, vending machine. Or
your prices! [in battle stance] Release them!

(The tentacle comes back out and grabs Skipper in.)

Skipper: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-!!

(Skipper pops into his slot along with his team. A guard comes into the room,
hastingly assuming firing stance. The machine sprouts more octopus tentacles and
scrambles, tackling the guard and bursting through the wall instead of out the
doors. More guards fail to stop the machine as it climbs up a stack of gold bars.
It bursts through the building's glass ceiling, striking a ninja pose against the
moon's glow. It's then caught by a helicopter, flying into the night. Later, in
Venice and daylight, the helicopter transports the vending machine into the
interior of a submarine. The machine is now empty. It is placed on the floor and
lifted to reveal a steel cage. Dozens of empty Dibble bags spill around the cage,
releasing orange powder. The penguins are dirty with the powder. Skipper scans the
half-lit deck and crunches a Dibble from a bag.)

Skipper: Kowalski, analysis.

Kowalski: All evidence indicates... [his stomach grumbles] Oooh, I ate too many
Cheezy Dibbles.

(Private coughs out an orange cloud of dust.)

Skipper: We're behind enemy lines and incredibly thirsty. [Throws away his bag]
Rico, bust us out of this delicious prison.

(Rico sticks out his tongue holding a paper clip and uses it to unlock the door.)

Skipper: Nice work, Rico. You are a meaningful and valued member of this team.

(As the penguins exit the cage, Private becomes upset. Then he looks at the paper
clip Rico used, takes it and swallows it. He struggles to cough it down)

Skipper: [o.s.] Private, quit lollygagging. And regular gagging.

Private: Sorry.

Skipper: Dark and ominous. Two of my least favorite traits in a room.

Private: Ooh, look! A button,

Skipper: Huh? Private, don't!

(Private pushes the button and the platform underneath them descends and they drop
down to another room. The speed clears them of the orange dust)

Skipper: Now what have I told you about-

Private: [presses another button] Sorry, what?

(An enormous ray weapon wheels to them and a steel pointer pops out stopping just
short of Skipper's beak.)

Kowalski: It looks like some sort of giant laser sent to kill us all, sir.

(Skipper steps back from the laser's angle.)

Private: Ooh, another one!

Skipper, Kowalski, Rico: NO!

(They stop Private from pushing the button. Suddenly, drops of water come down on
the panel and the flippers. The penguins look up.)

Dr. Octavius Brine: Naughty, naughty.

(He is seen walking on the catwalk, but the camera shows that he is walking upside
down.)

Dr. Octavius Brine: Pretty birds belong in their cages.

(He drops down and his limbs are tangled up. The penguins groan in disgust. The
scientist gets himself in that tangled position and screws his head right.)

Penguins: Ew!

Dr. Octavius Brine: Now, that's just hurtful. [untangles himself] And I was so
happy to see you again, Skipper, [Skipper gasps] Kowalski, Rico, [Leans down to
Private] and sweet little Private. [flicks Private's beak] Boop!

Skipper: Who are you?

Dr. Octavius Brine: The humans know me as Dr. Octavius Brine. Renowned geneticist,
cheese enthusiast, and frequent donor to NPR pledge drives. But you know me by a
different, much older name. A name perhaps you'd hoped you'd never hear again.

[Gets dramatic] A phantom! A shadow of a former life! I... am..

(A purple octopus emerges from the costume of Dr. Brine.)

Dave: Dave!

(The penguins gave long surprised looks at Dave with the Dr. Brine hairpiece on his
head.)

Skipper: Kowalski?

Kowalski: Sorry, sir. No clue.

Dave: [takes off the hairpiece] Dave!!!

Kowalski: Dave...

Dave: Dave.

Skipper: Dave?

Dave: Dave.

Private: (Pretending) Dave!

Dave: Dave!

Rico: Blaug.

(Dave gives a confused look. A cricket chirp is heard. The penguins look to see a
cricket doing the chirp, who then stops.)

Cricket: Sorry. [leaves then stops and turns] Wait, wait. Uh, I live this way.
[leaves]

Skipper: Go ahead, Dan, continue.

Dave: You seriously don't remember me???

Skipper: Dave! Dave! Right! Oh yeah, long time. Uh, how's the wife?

(In response, Dave punches the wall above Skipper's head.)

Dave: I've never been married! You may not remember me, but I could never forget
you. [grabs a snow globe and shakes it] Let's shake up some old memories. New York
City.

[Flashback in the Central Park Zoo before All Hail King Julien and before the first
film of Madagascar]

Dave (o.s.): The Central Park Zoo. Life was good. Roomy tank, great location,
monkey-house views. And, of course... my adoring legion of fans.

Girl: Cool.

Dave (o.s.): Dave! The octopus of a thousand tricks. (a younger Dave impresses awed
children with his flexibility)

Boy: Awesome!

Dave (o.s.): I was the total package.

Girl: Wow.

Man: Hey, kids! You got to see this. Get up here quick!

Woman: Come on, kids. Come on...

Dave: And then you arrived.

Man: Oh, they're so adorable!

Skipper: Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.

Dave: And took everything from me.

Woman: They're so cute!

Girl: They're so adorable.

Woman: Have you ever seen anything cuter?

(Dave is fished out of the tank and thrown into a transport box)

Dave (o.s.): Four adorable baby penguins. With you around, no one wanted an old
octopus anymore. "Out you go, Dave!"

[San Diego Park]

Dave (o.s.): And so it went, over and over, at zoo after aquarium.

Kid: Dad, look!

Man: I can't see the penguins, man! Whoo! Yeah!

Dave (o.s.): Adorable penguins stole the show.

[Brazil Zoo]

While I was shunned.

Forgotten.

Unwanted.
[Reality]

Dave: Alone.

Private: That sounds awful.

Dave: Oh, it was. I came to realize some creatures are born to get all the love.
The rest of us get... nothing!

Dave: The only thing that has kept me going all these years is my burning thirst
for revenge!!!

(The penguins are unsure of how to react)

Dave: And my precious souvenir snow globe collection.

(Rico swallows Dave's snow globe collection, gagging on the last one)

Dave: AUGH!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Rico: [Grunts "I don't know" and downs the globe, returning to his mates]

Skipper: Oh, Daryl, Daryl, Daryl, you can't blame us for what happened to you.

Dave: Uh, [grabs a canister of green bubbling liquid] can! That's how this whole
revenge thing works. And with this, I finally have the power to destroy you.

Private: Crikey!

(Subordinate octopi shed their camoflauge and surround the Penguins)

Dave: Nicolas, cage them.

Skipper: I've got some bad news for you, Dennis. You messed with the wrong birds.
Because we are an elite unit. The best of the best. Cream of the corn on a platinum
cob. And we're gonna take your deadly green goop and sashay right out the exit
hatch.

Dave: And just how are you going to do that?

Skipper: Deploy secret weapon.

(The penguins form a tower with Rico on top, burping out orange Dibble dust into
the baddies' eyes)

Dave: Aah! The cheese, it burns! [Drops the vial]

Skipper: Roll out.

(They roll on the canister over to the lift. Rico swallows the canister and sneaks
a wink, while Dave is furious. Skipper presses the button and the platform rise the
exit)

Dave: After them!!!

[Outside]

Skipper: All right, boys, it's just like Cuba. Taxi!

(The team bounces on table umbrellas and flip a gondola around, leaving only them
and the mandolin player aboard)

Skipper: How about some music? (Pays the player) Something chase-y.

(The player plays tense and suspenseful music on his mandolin)

Private: Here they come!

(Three of the octopi minions follow their escapees)

Skipper: Let's move.

Private: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke again! Stroke some more! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!
Stroke! Sorry! Stroke! Stroke!

(The octopi leap from the sub and into the canal, continuing their persuit
underwater. The penguins bump into another gondala driver, who shouts at them in
Italian. The octopi grab hold of his body and manipulate his movement to catch up
to the penguins)

Private: We got baddies, six o'clock.

Skipper: Kowalski, battle formation. (Jumps on top of Kowalski and swings his oar
at the cephalopods) So you squeegees want to do the gondola mambo? Let's dance.

(He's squirted in the eyes with ink)

Skipper: OW!! Mother-of-pearl, that stings! I've lost visual. Kowalski, be my eyes.

Kowalski: Uh, left. Right, right! Up! Duck.

(The octopi smack a window, and in response the Italian behind them slams it
against the driver while shouting at the penguins again)

Skipper: I think I got 'em.

Kowalski: They are down, sir.

Skipper: Excelente.

(The octopi catapult themselves to the penguins)

Private: Skipper!

Kowalski: They're back up. And we are running out of canal.

Skipper: Parker Posey! Go all-terrain.

(The penguins leap the boat of out water, and use their oars as legs for the boat)

Italian Man: Will you marry me?

(A wolf catches sight of the shenanigans. An octopus swipes away Skipper's oar)

Skipper: We've lost engine one!

(A second octopus steals Kowalski's and Rico's)

Kowalski: And two and three.

(A third snatches Private's)

Private: Four!

(The gondola crashes right on top of a Vespa)

Skipper: Switch to emergency power.

Private: Aye, aye, Skipper.

(Private clutches the drive handle, and the gondola-Vespa speeds around a corner
and down a street, the octopi still on their tails with oars) We've got melons!
Dead ahead!

(Rico vomits out a fish and throws it like a boomerang, opening the back of a melon
van, forming a ramp to the roofs. The penguins and octopi chase up it and are
launched into the air, the Vespa seperating from the gondola and everyone floating.
An owl posing as a statue looks back at the fiasco. Skipper is cleaned by a towel)

Skipper: I can see. Rico, the glowy thing!

(Rico re-swallows the canister. Skipper gets a sock covering his head)

Skipper: Ahh! Venetian blinded again!

(The gondola lands safely on the ground, sliding, but the octopi land on it)

Kowalski: We've been boarded.

Skipper: Initiate self-destruct sequence.

(A passing driver crashes into and destroys the gondola, the penguins slide on the
mandolin and its player on a chair)

Skipper: Nice.

Private: Whee!

Skipper: Frankly, I'm surprised we had a self-destruct sequence.

(The penguins crash into a trash bag, and the mandolin lands back into its owner's
hands. The octopi have them cornered)

Skipper: All right, boys, battle stance.

Kowalski: We're in battle stance, sir.

(Rico takes Skipper's sock head off)

Skipper: Oh. Okay, good. Now we uh, spring our trap.

(An octopus shatters the mandolin)

Kowalski: I'm not sure they're the ones that are trapped, sir.

Skipper: Kowalski, remember our little talk about true but unhelpful comments?
Kowalski: Yes, sir.

Skipper: Sometimes we just have to wing it.

(The owl comes back, claws an octopus, and throws it through a high window)

Kowalski: Wow.

(A seal comes out from an ice-cream cone decoration and throws a bomb in front of
another octopus, blasting it into the walls. The telephone box behind rings, which
is not a box but a polar bear's disguise, and he zaps the last octopus into the
drain.)

Kowalski: Sorry for underestimating the plan, Skipper.

Skipper: It's okay, Kowalski. Just don't ever doubt me again. Now, what the heck is
going on?!

(A jet flies overhead, an Arctic wolf sliding down to greet them)

Classified: Remain calm, penguins. You are now under the protection of the North
Wind. (Shows off his badge) You're welcome.

[The jet flies away to the North]

Corporal: Oh my gosh. You guys are so cute. You guys are just so, so cute! And
cuddly.

Skipper: Hey, get away! No more hugs!

Corporal: It's like being licked by a basket full of puppy dogs.

Classified: Corporal! Corporal! Chart a course back to North Wind headquarters.

Eva, inform them that we're bringing in witnesses.

Skipper: Private, Dibble me.

Skipper Uses the Cheesy Dibble Trick to Annoy Classified.

Skipper: We're not going anywhere with you. We don't even know who the heck you
are.

Classified: The North Wind is an elite undercover interspe...

Skipper Takes a Bite from the Cheesy Dibble which causes Classified to Repeat his
first Sentence

Classified: The North Wind is an elite under...

Skipper Eats Cheesy Dibble again when interrupting classified's Words.

Classified: An elite undercover interspecies...

Skipper Eats Cheesy Dibble a Second Time. Interrupting Classified again.

Classified: ...task...

Skipper Eats Cheesy Dibble a third Time when Interrupting Classified.

Classified: force.

Skipper Eats Cheesy Dibble a 4th time, causing Classified to speak his words.

Classified: dedicated to help...

Skipper Eats Cheesy Dibble a 5th time which causes Classified to get Angry.

Classified: helping...

Skipper Eats Cheesy Dibble a 6th time.

Classified: Dedicated to helping...

A Crunch is heard offscreen causing Classified to get Frustrated.

Dedi...

Skipper Eats Cheesy Dibble a 7th time.

Classified: Dedicated to helping- animals who can't help themselves. Like penguins.

Skipper Eats Cheesy Dibble a Final time.

Skipper: Really? And you are?

Classified: My name is classified.

Skipper: Classified, eh? What is that, Dutch? Can't really hear the accent.

Classified: Excuse me?

Skipper: There's the accent.

Classified: No, my name isn't Classified. My name is classified because I am the

leader of this strike team. The seal is Short Fuse, weapons and explosives. The
bear is Corporal, he's our muscle. And the owl is Eva, intelligence and analysis.

Skipper: Well, Agent Classified, we happen to be an elite unit, too. (Steps on

button)

Ship: Self-destruct sequence activated.

Skipper: You know, you should really label these things.

Ship: In three, two, one...

(Classified presses the button again)

Skipper: The name's Skipper. I run this outfit. Back there is Kowalski. He's the
brains of our operation. Say something smart, Kowalski.

Kowalski: Uh…

Skipper: See? He's working on a whole 'nother level. And Rico, he's our demolition
expert. (Rico starts ripping a piece of a chair off.) He destroyed that chair for
the sheer fun of it. No reason at all. And then there's Private. He's... he's sort
of our, you know, secretary/mascot.
Classified: Cute.

Corporal: And cuddly. Oh, sorry.

Classified: Well, let's see how well "cute and cuddly" handles this next bit.

Skipper: Nice doggy door.

Private: Wow. Look at this.

Skipper: Well, well, well. Not a bad place you got here, Classified.

Classified: Thank you. That's not my name.

Announcer: Arrival at pad 17.

Classified: All right, tiny penguins, the best way for the North Wind to protect
helpless animals like yourselves is to bring Dr. Brine to justice. Now, you were
inside his sub, so I need to know everything you know.

Skipper: Yee-hoo!

Kowalski: Ha-ha!

Private: Whee!

Penguins: Hey!

Classified: Just tell me everything you know.

Skipper: All right. Numero uno: Never trust a Dutchman in a tulip fight.

Classified: Tulip fight...

Skipper: Canada is secretly training an army of Sasquatch.

Classified: Sasquatch…

Skipper: Hot dogs are, in fact, only 17 percent actual dog.

Classified: 17 percent… Not "everything" everything. Just... everything regarding

your abduction by Dr. Octavius Brine.

Skipper: Ah. Why didn't you say so?

Classified: What?

Skipper: My team has uncovered that Dr. Octavius Brine is actually an individual
known as Derek.

Kowalski: Dave.

Skipper: As Dave the octopus.

Short Fuse: An octopus? No. Dr. Brine is not an octopus. He is...

Classified: An octopus. Precisely. That's exactly what our intel indicated.

[Quietly] Release the sheep.
A sheep is kicked out of a North Wind barn.

Classified: What you, of course, could not know is that Dr. Brine's laboratory in
Venice is secretly developing a doomsday weapon called the "Medusa Serum."

Skipper: Ah, but what you don't know is that Dirk...

Kowalski: Dave.

Skipper: Dave won't be using his Bazooka Serum...

Kowalski: Medusa Serum.

Skipper: Medusa Serum on anybody.

Kowalski: That part is accurate.

Skipper: Show him, Rico.

Rico spits out the vial containing the Medusa Serum.

Classified: You... you stole the Medusa Serum.

Skipper: Well, stole the serum, saved the day, did your job for you. Call it what
you will.

(Suddenly, the screen glitches and goes to a call, revealing Dave.)

Skipper: Debbie!

Kowalski: Dave.

Skipper: Dave!

Corporal: He hacked into our system.

(Dave speaks, but there is no sound from his side.)

Eva: Where's the sound?

Kowalski: Dave, your microphone, it's not on.

Classified: Click on the button with the picture of the microphone.

Short Fuse: Every time a villain calls in, this happens.

Dave: Hello? [the screen goes off] Hello?

Kowalski: Well, now we can hear you.

Short Fuse: So annoying!

Kowalski: But we cannot see you.

Short Fuse: Every time!

Classified: It's like talking to my parents.

Dave: [comes back on-screen] How about now?

Everyone cheers in agreement.

Private: Hurray!

Corporal: Great!

Classified: Yes! We've got you. That's fantastic.

Dave: Excellent! Now, where was I? (Evil laugh)

Kowalski: Dave!

Short Fuse growls.

Dave: Greetings, North Wind. I see you've met my old zoo mates.

Skipper: We were never mates. There was no mating.

Classified: Turn in yourself, David. You're powerless now that I've stolen you
precious Medusa Serum.

Skipper: What? You? You didn't steal that!

Classified: It's over.

Dave: It's over? Then why did I call you? Weird. Oh, maybe it was to show you this!

As soon as Dave turns the camera to show them a giant vial containing the Medusa
Serum, everyone gasps in shock.

Kowalski: That is a lot of serum for four penguins.

Dave: Oh, you thought this was just about you four? No. No, no, no, no. We're just
getting started.

Dave takes a selfie with a camera.

Dave: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go do some shopping... for revenge!

(Dave presses the button to turn off the screen but nothing happens. He presses it
again and still nothing happens.)

Dave: Wait. How do you...?

(Dave turns to his octopus thugs for help.)

Dave: What do I push? Is it the red? Or... I thought it was...it's not this...

(One of the thugs presses something and the screen goes blank. The picture of Dave
in front of the serum comes out of the printer. Then an alarm starts blaring.)

Eva: Incoming alert.

Classified: Put it on the screen.

Eva: The Berlin Zoo... 15 penguins missing.

Private: Dave's kidnapping other penguins!

Corporal: No doubt cute and cuddly.

Classified and Skipper: We have to move! What?

Classified [simultaneously with Skipper]: Time for our A-game.

Skipper [simultaneously with Classified]: Everybody, huddle up.

Classified: Corporal, ready the jet. I'm initiating North Wind Protocol Zeta.

Eva: 12 more penguins taken from London Zoo.

Skipper: Okay, boys, this is it. The mission we've been preparing for our entire
lives. We're gonna take down Dave or die trying. Kowalski, cancel our improv class!

Kowalski: Yes, sir.

Skipper: Rico, equipify.

Rico: Hai!

Skipper: Private, do that little thing I like.

Private salutes while making a silly face.

Skipper: It's still funny.

Kowalski: Skipper, good news. I got them to credit our class.

Corporal: Sir, the jet is ready.

Skipper: Oh, yeah, baby! Just like Super Bowl 19!

Private: Whee!

Short Fuse: They're stealing my stuuuuff!

(Rico swallows a missile.)

Classified: No!!! This mission has no place for a pathetic waddle of useless
penguins!

Skipper: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you calling pathetic?

Classified: Enough!

(Classified bangs the table, causing Rico to spit out the missile which destroys
the jet.)

Skipper: See, Rico, that's why you can't have nice thi-

(Classified starts hitting the penguins with tranquilizer darts, rendering them
unconscious.)

Private: Ooh!

Kowalski: You know, [dart hits him] hoo… I'm pretty good with computers myself.
Corporal puts the sleeping penguins in a small cardboard box.

Short Fuse: Put on your jammies, penguin.

Corporal: Aw…

Eva: They are even cute when they're asleep.

Short Fuse: Not to me.

Classified: I want these butterballs out of my way and out of my mission. Ship them
to one of our safe houses. The most remote place on the planet.

Corporal closes the box. Cut to inside of a plane heading to Madagascar.

Skipper: Ugh, where the heck are we?

Kowalski: Oxygen content is low. I suggest we limit our breathing.

Then the sound of a fart broke the silence.

Skipper: Aw, Private!

The three Penguins rip holes on the box to breathe for air.

Private: Sorry. I get gassy when I fly.

Skipper: Toot sweet! He does!

Kowalski: We must be on a plane!

The Penguins move the box to be free. Skipper, Kowalski and Rico have darts on
their necks and Private has a dart on his butt.

Kowalski: What did North Wind do to us?

Private: Oh! They gave us badges!

All but Private take off the darts.

Skipper: Not badges, tranquilizer darts! Classified! That low-down dirty dog is
trying to kick us off the mission!

Kowalski: He thinks we can't save the penguins because we're just “penguins”.

Skipper: Well, penguins are our flesh and feathers! They're us! And if anyone's
gonna save us, it's us.

Kowalski: But, Skipper, we've gotta be five miles up. That pretty much limits our
options.

Skipper: I make my own options. (Presses button and the penguins get thrown out of
the plane)

Kowalski: Brilliant move, Skipper, but now we seem to be outside the plane.

Skipper: Well, kind of got caught up in the moment. Well, hindsight's 20/20. Okay,
Kowalski, your turn to pick up the slack.
Kowalski: Uh…

Private: Oh, why don't we catch that plane?

Pilot: Bird strike, log it.

Kowalski: We've got another target at 12 o'clock.

Skipper: Good, it's only 11:30. Follow me, boys! We're going in hot.

Private starts burning like a meteor.

Skipper: No one likes a show-off, Private.

Kowalski: Aim for first class!

The penguins burst into the plane.

Private: I'm okay!

Skipper: Kowalski, where does this aircraft go?

Kowalski: From the odd shape of this bagel, I'd say we're headed for Paris.

Skipper: France? Forget it! Not with their tax laws!

Kowalski: Then I would suggest a mid-air transfer.

Skipper: Affirmative.

The penguins get onto a food cart. They drive it towards the pilots.

Private: Peanuts! Peanuts! Peanuts, peanut, peanut, peanut, peanut, peanut, peanut!
We're out of peanuts, Skipper!

Skipper: Try pretzels, Private. Bingo. There's our ride, boys. Can't stay, doll.
Danger is my mistress. Ah! Rico, more height.

Private: Pretzels! Pretzels! Pretzel, pretzel, pretzels! We're out of pretzels!

Skipper: Yeah? Then we're leaving just time, 'cause these folks are gonna freak!

Kowalski: Deploy flaps.

Skipper: Stay on target!

Private: We're gonna catch it, we're gonna catch it! Crikey! We're not gonna catch
it!

Kowalski: Wait a minute, where's Skipper?

Skipper: Time to get creative. Start grabbing boxes, boys.

Private: Going long!

Skipper: Oh, Private, stop playing with those backpacks. Find something useful. Now
we're talking. Let's get to work.
Kowalski: 400 meters. 300 meters.

Skipper: Speak American, Kowalski!

Kowalski: Sorry, sir. 218 yards. 109 yards.

Skipper: Okay, then. It's clear what we need to do next.

Kowalski: That feels right.

Skipper: Impressive bouncing, boys. Now, then, back to civilization. If we're gonna
take Dexter down, we need to know where he's gonna strike next.

Brazilian Penguin: Yeah!

Brazilian Penguins: Goal!

Dr. Octavius Brine: Elijah, would you please take them away.

Eva: Penguin footprints, still warm. We just missed Dave.

Classified: Blast it, he's gone.

Corporal: So many penguins! AAAAAAAAAAHH!!!

Short Fuse: Boss! He's stress-eating again!

Classified: Corporal?

Eva: There, there.

Short Fuse: Rub the angry out of the tummy.

Classified: Corporal? Fo... focus. We are going to save those helpless penguins,
because... we are the North Wind, and no one... NO ONE... breaks the Wind.

Corporal: No one breaks the Wind.

Classified: There's a good Corporal. Now, we rescued those four penguins already,
didn't we? Shipped them off all cozy and snug to a Madagascar safe... How come
there's beeping?

Eva: Sir, those penguins... They never made it to Madagascar.

Classified: What? Well, where the dickens are they?

Skipper: Kowalski, what are our coordinates?

Kowalski: From my calculations, we've arrived in the center of Dublin, Ireland.

[Shanghai]

Skipper: All right, soldiers, we got to blend in. Riverdance. No time to kiss the
Blarney stone, boys. We need to find intel on Dave's location, pronto. Aha! All
right, you, where's Dave! Give us the goods. Spit it out! Don't make me use
shillelagh!

Kowalski: Sir, that's... That's a baby squid.

Skipper: Sorry, laddie. Ugh. Stranded on the Emerald Isle without a single clue.
Well, so much for the luck o' the Irish.

Kowalski: Skipper, look!

Skipper: Huh? Begorrah! Does anyone speak Gaelic?

Kowalski: No. But it looks like Dave's been busy. He's stolen penguins from
Guadalajara!

Private: Madrid!

Skipper: Paris!

Kowalski: Athens!

Skipper: Bangalore!

Kowalski: Dusseldorf!

Private: Osaka!

Kowalski: Rio de Janeiro!

Private: Nairobi!

Skipper: Amsterdam!

Private: Baton Rouge!

Skipper: Dave's snow globe collection.

Kowalski: It's every zoo and aquarium he got kicked out of!

Skipper: Don't tell me where he has been, tell me where he will have has been next.

Rico starts gagging.

Skipper: Wait, what is it, Rico? It's a book! It's a film! It's a play! First word.
Two syllables. Sounds like “huyh”... Sounds like "huuh"? Sounds like "hyech!" What
starts with "hyech"?

Rico spits out Dave's Shanghai snow globe.

Skipper: Shanghai.

Kowalski: Dave hasn't been there yet, Skipper. If we hurry, we can still stop him.

Skipper: Nice work, Rico. Pack your bagpipes, boys. It's time to blow this potato
stand. So this is it. Shanghai's famous Little Dublin district.

Suddenly, Private notices a poster.

Private: Skipper, look!

Skipper: I see you, Private. Who's the big boy standing on his tippy-toes?

Private: Wha...? No, I mean...

Skipper: I just want to eat you up.

Kowalski: [points out what Private was talking about] Skipper, look! Above Private!

The poster is revealed to be where Dave is gonna go next.

Kowalski: Dave's next target... Shanghai's famous mermaid penguins.

Skipper: Good eye, Kowalski. And once again, you've proved that you are a
meaningful and valued member of this team.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Shanghai Marine World is pleased to present our
world-famous Mermaid Penguins! Tonight, our mermaids dedicate their performance to
all the missing penguins around the world. Stay safe, little guys, wherever you
are. And we hope you come home real soon.

Skipper: Keep those eyes roving, boys. Dave is a master of disguise. He could be a
small child, a house plant, maybe even you or me! Is it you, Kowalski?

Kid: Hey, hold on. Huh? Ha!

Skipper: Wait a minute. Bingo! Nice try, Dave! Operation Flash, Splash and Crash is
a go!

Kowalski: Splendid!

Skipper: Take positions.

Announcer: Penguin feeding time will begin in two minutes.

Skipper: Target, 30 yards and closing.

Kowalski: In position, Skipper.

Skipper: Rico, report.

Rico: In position.

Skipper: For you, Private.

Private: Yes, Skipper!

Skipper: Here's your mermaid costume.

Private: What?

Skipper: We need a diversion. And, frankly, you're the only one who can pull off
that look.

Private: But I can do more, Skipper. I want to help the team. Really help the team.
If you think I'm ready, which I am. Assuming you agree. And perhaps even... if you
don't?

Skipper: I like the moxie, soldier, but right now, I need a tail on that tush and
the cutest smile you've got. You trust me, soldier?

Private: Aye, aye, Skipper.

Man: Hey, it's feeding time!

Skipper: Target, ten yards from flashpoint. Private, you're up. You just mermaid my
day. Flash is a go!

Boy: Look, they let one of the mermaids out of the tank!

Woman: Oh, she's so cute.

Kid: It's the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Skipper: Shields up! Target is stunned. Rico, bring the Splash.

Rico: Yeah!

Dr. Octavius Brine: Huh?

Marine Worker: Oh, what are you doing out here, cutie? Come on. Back in your tank.

Classified: Secure the mermaids and find me... David the octopus.

Kowalski: A little late, North Wind.

Skipper: Mission accomplished. High one!

Classified: Corporal, take our prisoner... the one that belongs to us... into
custody. What?

Short Fuse: You melted him?! You birds are sick!

Kowalski: He's going in through the pipes!

Private: Skipper!

Skipper: Private? Private! You got to get out of there!

Skipper: No, no, no. No, no, no, no. Private!

Private: Skipper! No!

Kowalski: Okay. Here we go.

Skipper: Move, move, move! He's got Private! He's getting away. He's getting away!

Kowalski: Skipper, the North Wind's plane.

Skipper: Sweet chariot of the gods! But can you fly it, man?

Kowalski: There's only one way to find out.

No, I... still can't read.

Skipper: Then we're going off-book.

Classified: No! No, no, no, no!

Skipper: Too much, too much, too much, too much, too much!

Kowalski: I'm getting the hang of this, Skipper.

Eva: Pull off!

Skipper: Good! We're coming for you, Private!

Classified: Those ludicrous butterballs are letting David escape! Eva, secure
transport. Short Fuse, Corporal, hitch us a ride.

Short Fuse: Fire!

Corporal: Go fetch.

Classified: Hold her steady.

Kowalski: Sir, Dave is pulling ahead. We are too heavy.

Skipper: Oh, curse our heavily cheese-dibbled diet! Rico, give me a West Helsinki
fire sale.

Rico: Yeah, yeah.

Skipper: Everything must go!

Classified: What the...

Kowalski: That's everything, sir.

Skipper: Have you purged the chemical toilet?

Kowalski: But Rico was in there for 15 minutes!

Skipper: Just do it!

Corporal: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Ship: Self-destruct sequence in five,

Skipper: No, Private!

Ship: four, three, two...

Skipper: Stay strong soldier!

Ship: ...one.

Skipper: Skipper's log. Private has been kidnapped by Dave, while we have been cast
adrift for what seems like days. No rations, fresh water... or land in sight.
Kowalski's sick as a dog. And Rico keeps trying to eat him.

Kowalski: Just, please, just cut it out.

Skipper: Not sure how long we can hold on. This may be my final entry. Ow.

Classified: 2004 Grand Cru. Hints of pear, white peaches.

Eva: The salmon is delicious.

Short Fuse: Oh, I have never been more hydrated in my life.

Eva: Let me cut you a piece of the salmon.

Classified: No, thank you. I'm stuffed.

Eva: It's the most delicious thing on the boat.

Classified: I have to loosen my utility belt.

Short Fuse: No, I'm full. Just dump it in the ocean.

Skipper: You know, we're all in the same boat here.

Classified: Actually, we're not. And perhaps you could express a little more
concern over the fact that you stole and destroyed a $19 million vehicle!

Skipper: Bill me.

Classified: Corporal? Corporal?

Corporal: We're picking up a signal, sir. It's five klicks southwest, but it
stopped at that remote island.

Skipper: Land? Good on you. You've tracked down some land.

Short Fuse: No, silly willy. We've been tracking your little secretary/mascot.

Skipper: What? You put a homing device on Private?

Classified: All of you, actually, when I darted you.

Skipper: You low-down, dirty, mangy, filthy, flea-bitten, bum-sniffing toilet

drinker! But... good.

Classified: See, I told you. You should've left this to the professionals.

Penguin: 892. 893. 894. 895.

Dave: Ahoy there! Penguins. I bet you're all just dying to know why I brought you
here.

'Mermaid Penguin: He's gonna kill us all!

Dave: What? No. My Medusa Serum doesn't kill anyone. Where's the fun in that?

Private: (feminine voice) So, um, what does it do?

Dave: Something much, much worse.

Private: (feminine voice) Right. But, like, what specifically?

Dave: Well, that's exactly what I came up here to show you. All I need is a test
subject. Hello, little buggy-boo!

Cricket: Is this about the chirping? 'Cause I could... Whoa! Whoa!

Dave: Behold, as I unleash the full power of the Medusa Serum. Fire! Yes! It works!
I made a monster. I made a monster! And all you adorable penguins are next!

Private: Crikey!
Dave: Who said that? No. No. No. Yes! Gentlemen, you remember Private.

Octopi: Oh, hey.

Private: You'll never get away with this, Dave. My brothers are coming, and
together we'll take a wrecking ball to your whole rotten operation.

Dave: Call off the hunt, everyone. Turns out the elite unit will be coming to us.
Boop.

Classified: Eva? What do you see?

Eva: My count is 30 hostiles.

Kowalski: 31. Those two are very close together. I mean, you know, intertwined,
physically, but... but not in...

Skipper: Ixnay on the irtflay, Kowalski. Poor Private. Alone, helpless in the belly
of that beast.

Kowalski: We've faced some long odds before, Skipper, but these look like the
longest and oddest. If we're gonna pull this off, we'll need a diversion.

Camo Tech: Deactivating jungle camouflage.

Classified: Shh! Would you be quiet?

Skipper: Listen, Classified...

Classified: Short Fuse, you were supposed to handcuff them to the rock!

Skipper: Don't you hologram me!

Short Fuse: I tried, but they don't have hands. They just have flippers, boss. And
I have flippers! So it's flipping useless!

Skipper: All right, pooch. If you won't work with us, you better work for us. Our
plan requires a diversion.

Classified: I give the orders around here. Much as it pains me, I need you to act
as our diversion for our operation, understood?

Skipper: Nope! This is our plan, and it requires you to cause a diversion.

Classified: Die-version.

Skipper: Dih-version.

Classified: Die, die, die, die, die, die!

Skipper: Dih, dih, dih, dih, dih, dih!

Eva: Gentlemen, there is only one way to resolve this.

Kowalski: We should kiss.

Eva: Plan-off.

Kowalski: Yep, plan-off. That's what I was gonna say. Plan-off.

Skipper: Here's Dave's sub. And this young, helpless, vulnerable rock is Private.
And here's Dave. While you four blowhards "dih-vert" the octopi, we strike fast and
strike hard! Hi-yah! Get on in here, boys! Slap him silly, Rico! Come on! Kowalski,
free the hostages! Now, that's what I'm talking about, big fella! With Private
freshly liberated, we celebrate with a well-earned high one, and feast off Dave's
sweet remains. Any questions? Whoa-hoa, hey, now!

Classified: Wow. I mean, truly impressive. Especially the bit where you slap the
fruit. Oh! Corporal, dim the lights. Short Fuse, glasses.

Kowalski: Ooh.

Classified: My apologies. Had to rush a bit. The schematic's a little crude.

Skipper: Where is that music coming from?

Kowalski: Wow.

Classified: All right, at 2150, Skipper, Kowalski and... Richard, was it? Die-vert
the octopi away from their posts. At 2200, Short Fuse breaches the hull with a
swarm of self-guided underwater nano-charges.

Short Fuse: I call them "wet kabooms."

Classified: Yes, please don't.

Short Fuse: Okay, sorry.

Classified: At 2202, knock, knock.

Corporal: Who's there?

Classified: The North Wind.

Corporal: The North Wind who?

Classified: The North Wind who doesn't have time for knock-knock jokes because
we're too busy taking down Dave. Personal hover tank... check. Auto-targeting wing
mounts. Why not? At 2209, mission accomplished. See that? I don't even look back.
There's a huge explosion, and I just keep walking.

Short Fuse: Whoo! Way to go, boss! That's North Wind, sucker!

Corporal: Nicely done.

Skipper: La-di, blah, blah, blah, blah. A good plan is about more than effecty
stuff and... vocabulary words.

Classified: And you, you... you certainly know a good plan... I mean, your
operation in Shanghai allowed Dave to escape with... your boy. I've never lost a
member of my team. It must feel... awful. Can't imagine the guilt, the regret, the
feeling that, I don't know, that... it should have been you.

Eva: All for penguin plan? All for North Wind plan?

Skipper: His... his is better.

Kowalski: What?
Skipper: I'm sorry, boys, but I can't lead you this time.

Kowalski: But... we're a team, and... and you're our skipper, Skipper. We don't...
we don't need these guys.

Skipper: No, Kowalski, but Private does. I think... it's time we leave it to the
professionals.

Kowalski: But, sir...

Skipper: It's settled. We take our orders from Agent Classified now. That's an
order, Rico! All right, Classified... what's the diversion? We take this shame to
our graves.

Kowalski: Agreed.

Octopi: Hey!

Classified: Time?

Eva: 2200 hours.

Classified: Time to take down Dave. David the octopus, show me your tentacles. All
of them.

Short Fuse: Ow!

Kowalski: We lost them, Skipper.

Skipper: Not a moment too soon. These hosen are riding up my bundesliga. All right,
boys, grab your coconuts and hold 'em tight. Classified should be walking away from
a huge explosion with Private on his shoulder in three... two... Give 'em a welcome
home, Rico!

Skipper: Woo-hoo! Yeah! In your face, Dave!

Kowalski: Private is back!

Skipper: Welcome home, Private!

Kowalski: Yeah! All right! Here we go. All right. Sir, the sub didn't explode,
and... I fear the... fireworks may have been a tactical mistake.

Short Fuse: Stay calm! Do not panic! We will still win! Be full of love! Don't
hate! Follow your dreams! Love yourself! Love other people! Pick and choose your
battles in life! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Ignore the haters! Love the
one you're with! Love the one you're with!

Kowalski: Eva. I know.

Dave: Welcome, Skipper, Kowalski and rootin'-tootin' Rico! The gang's all here! The
mood is electric! Is this really, finally everybody?

Skipper: All right, Dave, just what have you done with... Private!

Private: Oh! Guys! You're in for it now, Dave!

Dave: Really?! Anyway, great catching up. Now. Who's ready to move on to live
penguins testing?

Skipper: You point that death ray away from Private right now!

Private: It's not a death ray, Skipper! He's gonna turn us into monsters!

Dave: Yepper-doo! "And what comes next, Dave?" Invasion! Ahhh! Horrible mutant
penguins released on the streets of New York City!

Kowalski: You're the monster!

Dave: Yes! I'm the monster. Everyone made that clear to me, every day of my entire
life. But now, let's see how much everyone loves you when you're the monster!

Private: Skipper!

Skipper: You can't take away Private's cuteness!

Kowalski: He's the cute one!

Rico grunts in agreement.

Kowalski: That-That's his thing!

Private: What?

Skipper: IT'S ALL THE LITTLE GUY'S GOT!

Private sighs, as if to say "Seriously?".

Dave: Hmm, you are super cute. We'd better crank this up. Drew, Barry, more power!
Ready?

Kowalski: Negotiations have broken down.

Skipper: Rico, the paper clip! Bust us out of here! We need that paper clip! Chop-
chop, soldier! No! Where's the paper clip? Private! No! Private...

Kowalski: Oh no.

Dave: I disintegrated him. That wasn't supposed to happen.

Kowalski: You maniac! You blew him up!

Skipper: No...

Dave: Oh well. This is why we test things, people. I'll have to lower the power for
the others. Full speed ahead, gentlemen. The monsters are due in Manhattan!

Private: Sorry. Crikey.

Classified: All right, all right, octopus. Whatever Dave's paying you, I'll double
it. Is that a yes? Does anyone speak octopus?

Eva: Sorry.

Corporal: No, not a clue.

Classified: Blast it. You... free... us. We give you... many fishes. Om nom nom nom
nom... What is that? Oh, great.

Short Fuse: Oh, no! This is it!

Corporal: I don't want to die all squishy!

Classified: We're dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Oh, no, we're dead! Dead! Dead...!

Private: I pushed a button.

Corporal: Super. Well done, Private!

Eva: Good work, malinki.

Classified: Yay. Yes. Yes. Excellent button-pushing. Compliment, praise, et cetera.

All right, agents, we are back in business.

Private: Wait! Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, all those penguins, they're this way!

Classified: And so is a massive army of octopi. And as soon as we return to the

North Wind headquarters, grab fresh equipment, and work up a smashing new plan,
we'll come speeding back and take down Dave.

Private: But the penguins are in danger! We have to go now!

Classified: Again, huge army of octopi.

Private: So, because you failed once, you're just running away?

Classified: We did not fail. And we are not running away. We're just very sensibly
regrouping.

Private: Skipper wouldn't care. Plan or no, fancy equipment or no... he'd never
leave a man behind.

Classified: Well, I suppose we can't all be penguins, can we?

Private: No. But maybe you should be.

Classified: Come on.

Dave: Showtime, everyone! Big smiles for the Big Apple!

Skipper: Listen up, Doris! You turn us into freaks, and then what? You think that's
gonna make everybody love you?

Dr. Octavius Brine: No, but they'll despise you.

Skipper: Aah!

Dr. Octavius Brine: And I'm sure gonna love that.

News Reporter: Breaking news! The missing penguins have been found! Okay. According
to my notes, genetic researcher Dr. Octavius Brine has found the penguins and is
bringing them here to New York's Battery Park. The penguins are coming back! Oh, my
gosh! Look!

Dr. Octavius Brine: Penguin lovers of the world, guess who I found.
New Yorkers: Penguins! Penguins!

Dr. Octavius Brine: It wasn't easy, but seeing the penguins get what they deserve
will make it all worthwhile.

News Reporter: What a weird thing to say! I'm so excited!

Dr. Octavius Brine: Do it.

Private: Skipper! Skipper! Skipper! Rico! Kowalski! I'm up here! Up here!

Skipper: It's like I'm still hearing Private's little voice, calling to us.

Private: You have to get out of there! Move!

Skipper: “You have a great otter there. Moo.”

Kowalski: Why would he moo?

Skipper: What are you asking me for? I'm not Private's little ghost.

They turn around, only to notice the Medusa Ray in front of them, ready to fire.

Rico: Uh-oh.

One of Dave's henchmen fires the Medusa Ray at Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and all the
penguins, as Private watches in horror.

Private: Noooooo!

Dr. Octavius Brine: Are you ready?!

New Yorkers: Yeah!

Dr. Octavius Brine: Yay...! Your new... and improved... penguins!

New Yorkers: Penguins! Penguins!

New Yorker: Wha...?

Dr. Octavius Brine: Oh, the people love you. Just go give them a hug.

New Yorker: Don't let them touch you!

Dr. Octavius Brine: Oh, no. What's happening? Nobody likes you anymore? Well, the
fun and games are just beginning. Watch this, penguins. Somebody call... the
exterminators! And when the exterminators take you away, you never come back.

Private: Oh, dear. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. What do I do? What do I do? Crikey! Come
on, then. You wanna go? You want some argy-bargy? AAAAHHH!!!

He courageously charges at the octopi like a warrior, much to their surprise.

Private: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yee-haw! Ow.

Dr. Octavius Brine: Uh-oh. Missed one. What a wonderful day in the park.

Private: Skipper! Wait! Hold on! What are you doing?! Skipper! Don't eat that!
Skipper, listen. It's me, Private. I've got a plan, but I need your help. I need my
Skipper.

Skipper: Private?

Private: Yes. That's it.

Skipper: Private, you're alive! Oh, God! Kowalski! You've got to get a grip!

Private: Kowalski, Eva is worried about you.

Kowalski: She is? What did she say? Did she say my name specifically? I mean, were
there... were there tears? Details, come on, tell me! Private! You're alive. Come
here. This feels a little awkward, but I'm happy.

Skipper: Rico! You need to listen to us. I guess you're kind of the same either
way.

Rico: Private!

Skipper: Heads up! Looks like we're back in business, boys. And our business is
saving penguin-kind. Who's with me?

Kowalski: Count me in.

Private: Let's do this!

Kowalski: Boo-hah!

Private: Yeah!

Kowalski: Let's create and feel momentum. Sir, how long do we stand here like this?

Skipper: Until we've reached maximum coolness.

The camera keeps circling until it's shot at Skipper, who smiles with confidence.

Skipper: There it is. Now all we need is a plan.

Private: I've got one.

Skipper: [confused] Eh? Uh, huh?

Private goes over to the ray and takes the Medusa Serum out.

Skipper: You stole Dave's ray?

Private: Well, I figured if we could reverse the ray, we could turn everyone back
to normal.

Skipper: Reverse the ray?

Kowalski: That's brilliant! But... it's impossible! In order to reverse the ray, we
would need to replace the Medusa Serum with a power source of almost immeasurable
cuteness!

Skipper: Immeasurable cuteness? Where the heck are we supposed to get that? No,
wait. Private, no! We don't know what that will do to you! Ah!

Penguin: All right!

Kowalski: The ray! It works! It WORKS!

Skipper: Private, are you okay?

Private: Yes!

Skipper, Rico and Kowalski gasp in surprise and notice that Private has sprouted a
hand out of his buttocks.

Kowalski: Whoa! Butt-hand! There's a hand attached to his butt. That was not...
that was not there before.

Private becomes shocked once realizing he has sprouted a butt-hand, which detaches
him, but immediately gets used to it.

Skipper: Get out of there. That's an order!

Private: [salutes] Permission to defy order.

Skipper: Permission denied.

Private: Then I deny your denial.

Skipper: It's too risky, Private. It already made you sprout a butt-hand!

Private: I know it has to be me this time. [places his butt-hand on the glass] And
I think you know it too.

Concerned about Private's sacrifice, Skipper places his flipper on the same place
where Private placed his butt-hand. They exchange smiles before Private reattaches
himself to the ray using his butt-hand.

Private: I'm the secret weapon!

Dr. Octavius Brine: I'm happy... and yet... now that I have my revenge, I feel...
empty, as if what I needed all along was... more revenge! In fact... Robin, write
this down... Tomorrow we move on to kittens! Then puppies, bunnies, pandas...
Charlize, they're on the ray!

Dave: Helen, hunt them down! William, hurt them. Halle, bury them! Hugh, Jack, man
the battle stations! Kevin, bake on! We're still gonna need that victory cake!

Skipper: We're only gonna get one shot at this, boys! How we doing on those snow
globes?

Kowalski: Beam splitter ready! Fire at will!

Private: Do it, Skipper!

Skipper: Dead batteries?!

Kowalski: [gasps] Game over, Skipper!

Private: No!

Private then notices a nearby grocery store.

Private: Rico, batteries! Skipper, Kowalski, hold off those octopi! We're doing
this NOW!

Skipper: You heard Private! Deploy! Aah!

Kowalski: Get back, you aquatic savages!

Private: Behind you! Beside you! Six o'clock! Twelve o'clock! They're coming from
every direction!

Kowalski: There's just too many of them!

Kowalski: Whoa.

Private: You came back!

Short Fuse: Oh... that's why you look back at the explosion.

Rico: I can dream...

Skipper: Fallback positions! Stay away from Private!

Dave: Suck it up, Kowalski.

Private: No!

Dave: It's over, Skipper.

Skipper: Over? That's weird. Then why is Rico throwing me a fresh pair of double-
A's?

Skipper: No! The remote!

Skipper: Rico, dibble me!

Dave: [evil laughing]

Private: Hi-yah!

Skipper: It worked! Private! Excuse me. Emergency. Coming through. Make a hole!
Make a hole!

Kowalski: Don't worry, a chrysalis is just forming around you. That's perfectly
normal.

Skipper: Private.

Rico: Wha...?

Skipper: Private?

Kowalski: Oh! Look at that! Majestic.

Private: Hello.

Skipper: Private!

Kowalski: Oh! Hey!

Private: What's wrong? What are you...

Skipper: Look out for the...

Private: Have I got something...

Kowalski: Okay. Looking out.

Skipper: Watch out. Cover your eyes.

Private: Is there a... thing?

Skipper: Don't turn your head.

Private: So, how do I look?

Kowalski: You're hideously disfigured and will probably be hunted for sport.

Private: [concerned] Wh-Wha...?

Skipper elbows Kowalski.

Kowalski: What?

Skipper: If there's anything we've learned on this delightful adventure, Kowalski,

it's that looks don't matter. It's what you do what counts. [emotionally] And look
at what you did.

The penguins from all over the world look at Private, to his delight. Baby penguins
pop out from behind parent penguins.

Skipper: Yes, sir. You are the most meaningful and valued member of this team.

Private salutes Skipper, who salutes back. Kowalski and Rico salute as well.
Skipper does Private's salute by crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue.
Private did the same and laughs. All the penguins and the North Wind cheer for
Private.

Penguin #1: Way to go, Private!

Penguin #2: Attaboy!

Corporal: Nicely done.

Penguin #3: Whoo-hoo!

Penguin #4: Way to go, Private! You did it!

Penguin #5: We're so proud of you!

Penguin #6: You saved us!

Penguin #7: We love you, Private!

Penguin #8: Yeah, we love you!

Penguin #9: You the penguin!

Cricket: Huh?
Skipper: Ramirez!

Kowalski: Dave.

Skipper: Dave!

Dave: What? Are you kidding me?!

Skipper: Dave... aw, look at you.

Dave: You think this is over? I'm just getting started. I'm about to...

Kowalski: What do we do with him now?

Girl: Aw…

Dave: Open this right now!

Skipper: Here you go, kid.

Girl: Cool!

Skipper: I hope you find happiness, Dave.

Girl: It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! It's
snowing...

Classified: [clear his throat] Right now, this is difficult for me to say, but...

Skipper: Is it 'osteoporosis'? You just gotta lean into the vowels. Ahhh-stee-
ohhhh-pahhh...

Classified: No, no, I want to say... You four are the bravest agents I've ever
known. The point is, I was wrong about you. And I hope there's some way I can make
it right.

Kowalski: [to Classified] Give us jetpacks.

Eva: [at the same time; to Kowalski] We should kiss.

Kowalski: [notices Eva] Whoa! Uh, [clears his throat] did... did you just say...

Eva dips Kowalski, kissing him, while using her other wing to block the camera, to
the disgust of Kowalski's comrades. Skipper covers Private's eyes, while Rico
almost throws up. As soon as Eva lowers her wing, Kowalski has lipstick marks all
over his face.

Kowalski: Well, that feels right!

Private: I think I'd actually prefer a jet pack, please.

Skipper: Ooh! I think we should go with Private's idea.

Kowalski: Yeah!

Skipper: Kowalski! What's our trajectory?

Kowalski: 95% certain this will end in massive... flaming disaster!

Skipper: And the other five percent?

Kowalski: Irrelevant, sir! Jet packs are awesome!

Skipper: Agreed!

Private: Who says penguins can't fly?

Skipper: Yee-haw! Boo-yah!

[The end credits play until it goes to black for a bit.]

Private: Um… Skipper, we are going to turn me back to normal, right?

Skipper: Absolutely. First thing Monday.

Mort: Whee! I'm in a rocket ship!

King Julien: I want to push the button.

Kowalski: Give me that!

King Julien: Hey! Stealer!

Private: Let's do this! I'm ready!

King Julien: Okay, on three. One, three, go. I'm just gonna do a little practice
push. Okay, I'm not going to press it. Why are you smacking my hand? Hey, look over
there!

Mort: I'm a laser show. Shoot, shoot!

Kowalski: Julien!

Private: Hey!

Skipper: Now, that's the Private we know and love. High one!

Kowalski: Immeasurable cuteness, right there!

Private: Good to be back.

Mort: I feel like a French fry! I'm okay!

Skipper: And with cuteness to spare! Come on! Frosty mugs of herring juice all
around! Private's buying.

Private: What?

King Julien: What? You know, if I'm being honest, I expected a little more...
pizzazz!

(Mort swallows Julien all the way.)

King Julien: Yes! Now, that's pizzazz!