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 Chapter One
Diesel

Is it messed up that I’m looking forward to kicking the shit out of

a guy? Probably, especially at Christmas time. I should want peace
on Earth and love for all. I mean, deep down, that is most definitely
what I want. And if Gary Vargas didn’t deserve to have his ass
kicked so badly, that might have been my top priority, but I’ve been
waiting on this homecoming for weeks for this reason alone. Mostly
because I want to help out my best friend who’s deployed for
another six months. Though, there is a part of me that wouldn’t
mind punching Gary for myself. I don’t know much of him, but from
what I’ve heard he’s doing to Iris, Tim’s little sister, he deserves to
have his ass kicked.
My buddy Creak jabs me in the ribs. Creak isn’t his birth name.
It’s a name we gave him out in the field on account of the fact every
time we infiltrate a building, he makes so much noise. He’s a few
years younger than me and his attitude about coming home is
completely different from mine. “Let it go, man. She’s a grown
woman. If she doesn’t like the guy, she’ll reach out for help.”
I glare back at him as though he doesn’t know why they call me
Diesel. It’s not because I let things go.
The parking lot is dimly lit and covered in black ice, a light snow
falling from the dark night sky. It’s so quiet that there’s almost an
echo in the air. Creak and I have bunked together for years, but we
only recently learned that we’re from the same town.
My brows narrow as I look toward him. “Regardless of how we
feel, Tim wanted me out here. I’m not going to let him down.”
Creak sighs. “Tim is in a bad place right now. He doesn’t know
what he’s saying. Besides, he—”
“Bad place? Who wouldn’t be? His hands are tied. He’s stuck in
Afghanistan, and he’s got no one here to handle his business. This is
what buddies do.” I grab hold of the cold door handle and pull it
open before glancing back at Creak. “He’s my best friend. He needs
peace of mind and I’m not going to let him down.”
Country music spills out into the streets as I scan the
restaurant. There’s a live band playing in the back corner and a few
couples sat in booths while more linger at the wood bar. I don’t even
know what this guy looks like, and I haven’t seen Iris in years. I
remember she has blonde hair and blue eyes, but that’s about where
it ends. Besides that, from what I hear, Gary is a loose cannon and I
really don’t want to go to jail tonight. My mother would lose her
mind. She was already a little put off that I didn’t want to be picked
up from the airport, but Tim said this is where Iris and Gary hang
out Friday nights and I couldn’t miss the chance to get them in a
public place. Hopefully, he’ll be more civil.
“Maybe he’ll listen to reason,” Creak says, running his hand
back through his hair. “He can’t be as bad as Tim thinks.”
I nod, hoping he’s right. Now that I’m inside, reality is hitting
me different than I’d expected. It’s been nine months since I’ve been
anywhere other than an odd Afghan restaurant. Even then, we tried
to stay out of town because it’s never guaranteed how safe we are.
The bar is small. There are maybe twenty people inside, and
most of them look to be hungry snowmobilers on their way back
from wherever they’ve been riding. A three-bulb light hangs over top
of a woman behind the bar. I guess she’s in her sixties by the silver
color of her hair and choice of clothes. There aren’t many people
who’d wear a Grandma’s Favorite Elves sweater with embroidered
names of children beneath it if they weren’t grandmother age.
As we approach the end of the bar, a girl comes into view and
I’m sure it’s Iris. Though, it’s a much older, much more beautiful Iris
than I was expecting. Tim and I have been friends since childhood,
but that doesn’t mean I ever had anything to do with his bratty
sister. For the most part, he’d come to my house to get away from
her. But here, in this light, in this moment in time… she’s gorgeous.
She’s way too beautiful to be hanging off the guy she came with.
Her hair is long, hitting just below her shoulder blades, and her hips
are wide and curved as she sits straight on the barstool in a short
red dress. She’s also overdressed for this place. Most everyone else
is in snow bibs and heavy sweaters.
I swipe my jaw with my thumb and slide into the booth at the
side of where she and Gary are standing, studying the couple as I
try to figure how the hell she’s still with this guy. He must be loaded.
There’s no way a girl this beautiful would stay with a man like him
who also treated her like shit. It doesn’t make sense.
“Is that the guy?” Creak slides into the booth on the opposite
side.
“I think so. That’s definitely Tim’s little sister.” I leave out the
part about how her eyes are more piercing, and her body curves
differently than I remember. That doesn’t really pertain to this
mission. “Let’s just listen for a second.”
There aren’t many people at this end of the bar. In fact, we’re
at a nice distance now where we can survey the whole space. At
least I am. Creak is just staring back at me and the bathroom door.
Colored lights line the upper mantle and dangle off deer antlers on
the wall, as a Christmas tree shines in the corner by the band. It’s a
quaint little place and I’m surprised I’ve never been here before.
I glance back toward Iris, wondering how all this is going to
go down. She’s sipping on what looks to be a ginger ale with
maraschino cherries plunked on top while Gary nurses a Bud Light.
 “I’m just trying to talk to you, Gary,” Iris says. Her voice is
strained, as though they’ve been having an argument.
The tall man in black looks toward her, his jaw tight, his eyes
wide. “You’re always doing this shit. Can’t we just get one good
night?”
She swallows hard and nods. “It’s just I want to do something
other than watch the game. I mean, we could’ve stayed home and
watched it.”
The man strokes his hand down over his beard and brings his
beer to his lips. “It’s one fucking game. Relax.”
I see her eyes sink back and her heart deflate as a tear
peeks.
Who the hell talks to someone like that, let alone the woman
he loves? My blood boils as I listen. As much as I want to, I can’t
step in over a dispute. These people don’t know me from anything,
and they’d be well within their right to punch me in the face. That
realization has only hit a second ago. Until now, I was just doing a
favor for a friend.
She sucks in a deep breath and looks away before staring
back at him. “Don’t you want to be here too? Don’t you want a night
out together?”
His jaw tightens harder and his teeth bare as he looks toward
her. “Keep going, Iris. See what happens.”
Her brows narrow and her lip quivers.
Fuck! I want to jump from this seat and wrap her in my arms,
tell her this guy isn’t worth it.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice is quivering. “I’m just tired of this. I
want to spend time with someone who—”
“It’s always about what you want, isn’t it? This is Iris’ world.”
“That’s just it, I don’t want you to be here for me. I want you
to be here for you. I want you to want to be here.”
“I want to be here, Iris. That’s why I’m sitting here,” he says,
the words flat as he gazes a look at her so dark, that I have to hold
myself back from jumping up from the booth and coming at him.
“You’re so cold, Gary. I don’t—”
“Quit pulling things apart. Our life would be so much better.”
 Iris turns away from him until she’s watching the television
playing a basketball game over top the bar. I can’t see her face
anymore, but I don’t need to. She’s broken. It’s in her voice, in the
way she sits, in the way she moves her hand up slightly to brush a
tear from her cheek. I don’t need to know her well to know she
deserves so much better, and I’m not leaving tonight until she gets
it.
 Chapter Two
Iris

I swirl my straw into a short glass of ginger ale and stare down
at the fizzing liquid, imagining it’s a vast, wide ocean that I’m
floating away in. I don’t know why I’m still here. I should’ve left a
thousand times over, but I’m not sure where I’d go. Mom and Dad
moved to Florida after graduation and all my friends are knee deep
in out-of-state college degrees. I think I’m the only one who stayed
in this town.
Ugh, the thought makes my stomach turn. It’s not that I don’t
love him. I mean, at one point, things were great. And when he’s
out of this mood, things will go back to normal. I shouldn’t be so
critical, but I’m sick of this shit. After what happened last month, I’m
not sure I can. He got so angry that I’d invaded his space during an
argument that he pushed me out of the room and slammed the door
in my face. All I wanted was an apology or some remorse from him.
Instead, he blamed me and said if I’d respected his space, the whole
thing wouldn’t have happened. I emailed Tim that night in a fit of
sadness, but I regretted it the second I sent the message. I knew
things would blow over between Gary and I like they always do.
Besides, what’s Tim going to do? He’s all the way in Afghanistan
worrying about much more important things. But he’s my big
brother, and my first go to for everything.
My head spins in circles as I try to make sense of what’s
happening. I really just want us to get along. Christmas is in two
days. I don’t want this to drag into the holiday, as I’m not sure
where I’d go if I left.
“I’m sorry,” I say, nudging Gary’s elbow. “I don’t want to stress
you out. I know you’re going through a lot at work.”
He shakes his head and glances toward me. His face is still
wrung and worn as though I’ve stressed him and I feel bad. I didn’t
mean for tonight to go like this.
“It’s fine,” he says, his voice graveled. “What do you want to
eat?”
For a second, I’m thankful he’s moving on with the night, but my
heart sinks a little knowing that the words I need to hear are never
going to be said. He doesn’t get it, and he probably never will.
“I think I’m going to get the chocolate chip pancak—”
“That’s so basic. Try something different. Why not the pistachio
walnut?”
It’s a simple comment and it shouldn’t deflate me like it does, but
I feel the wind leaving my sails as I nod. It’s just dinner, I tell myself
as I hold back tears. It’s nothing, but it feels like everything as
pressure mounts. I’m tired of him telling me what I want. I’m tired
of him pushing me around. I’m tired of needing something he’ll
never be able to give me.
I stand from the bar and push away like a cork has just blown
from my bottle.
“What’s wrong?” His stare is wide, as though he’s genuinely
shocked by my outburst, though to me it seems simple.
“I can’t do this anymore! I can’t. I have tried, but I can’t.
You’re…”
 He grinds his teeth against one another, and his eyes go black
with a rage I’ve seen before. “You—”
A man from the side of the bar steps in between us. He’s big,
probably six two and built like a tank. He’s wearing army fatigues
and from this distance, smells like cedar and pine.
“Get the fuck up,” the man says to Gary. I can’t see either of their
faces from where I’m sitting, but my stomach has gone into flight.
Gary stands from his stool and reaches around the man toward
me, but the soldier steps in front of his grip.
“I’m going to give you two choices. Leave now and never talk to
her again or meet me in the parking lot and I’ll make sure you never
walk again.”
My heart plummets, landing flat at the bottom of my stomach.
Who the hell is this guy, and why am I worried for Gary? He’s
asserted his power over me plenty of times with no real shame. I’m
not sure why I’d care that he was getting the same treatment. But
here we are, and I can barely breathe.
The bar goes quiet, and everyone stares. Even the band
sounds more muted than it had before.
I step out from behind the man who's holding space between
Gary and I, and look at his face. I’ve seen him before, though I can’t
place where until I catch the name printed across the top of his
fatigues… Bower.
My brows wrinkle. “Dominick?”
He glances toward me and nods. What is he doing here? I’m
actually surprised he’s even recognized me.
“Which is it going to be?” Dominick towers over Gary, his fists
clenched at his side.
“It’s okay,” I say to Dominick, pushing him back away from Gary.
“There’s nothing to—”
“That’s not the message I got from Tim,” Dominick says, holding
steady in place.
Gary isn’t that short. He’s nearly six feet tall himself, but with
Dominick standing next to him, he’s dwarfed. “Tim says this guy has
been pushing you around. Is that tru—”
 Gary rolls his eyes and shakes his head, and glances toward me.
“She plays the victim. When you were telling your brother the play-
by-play, did you mention how you won’t quit bitching? That you
invaded my space?”
I don’t want to get into it again, but his misrepresentation is so
alarming that my lips start moving before I think it through. “I only
wanted to talk. I should be able to talk to my brother.”
“Sure. Sure. Well, you got your talking, didn’t you? Do you feel
better?”
“Yeah, but you don’t listen to anything I say. You’re only thinking
of how you’re going to win the argument. I don’t want to win, Gary.
I just want to—”
He holds up both hands, his face dark red. “No. I’m done. You’re
a fucking asshole, Iris. You set this up.”
“I didn’t set this up! I barely know this guy.”
“But you know him…”
“He’s my brother’s friend. I didn’t ask for thi—”
“Let’s take this outside,” Dominick says, trying to diffuse the
situation and get us out of the bar. I appreciate the calmness in this
moment of crazy. He lays his large hand on my back in comfort as
he guides me toward the door, but Gary doesn’t budge. He sits at
the bar and takes another sip of beer. “Leave me the fuck alone.
Both of you.”
And with that, I’m out in the falling snow with nowhere to go.
The only person in the world to trust, a man I barely know.
 Chapter Three
Diesel

I follow Iris out the front door, though I won’t take credit for the
self-control. That’s all Creak. He must have seen my fists clenching
and pushed me out of the exit.
“Do you have a ride home?” Creak asks Iris as I pace across
the snowbanks in front of the bar. I want to go back in and make
sure he understands how serious I am, but I rarely know my limits.
Then again, when dealing with dicks like Gary, there’s a special rule
where a good old fashioned dose of his own medicine is required.
Especially by a real man with a larger bite force.
A tear falls down Iris’ face. “No. I rode in with Gary. I guess I can
call an Uber or—”
“You’re not calling an Uber,” I say, stepping toward her. “I’m
happy to get you home. Where do you live?”
She looks away and holds her hand over her face, before
gathering herself to look toward me. “I’m not sure. I’ve been staying
with Gary.”
That is a complication I didn’t see coming. I glance toward
Creak, then back at Iris. “What about your parents’ house?”
“They moved to Florida and they’re cruising this week.”
“Friends?”
She shakes her head wiping away another bunch of tears. “I
can stay at a hotel on Arsenal Street. Do you mind dropping me
off?”
“If that’s what you want, I’ll take you, but I know my mom
would love to see you. I bet she’s got a whole bunch of food there
and she’s probably made too many cookies. I’m sure having you stay
with us would light up her world. She loves having someone else to
talk to who remembers us as kids.” I suck in a deep breath and open
the truck door, hoping she goes along with the plan. I’d hate to see
her in a hotel room for Christmas. In fact, I’d feel like the whole
thing was my fault.
“I’m sure your mom doesn’t want the extra company. I mean,
she’s not expecting anyone, and I don’t want to be a downer. Plus,
you have your traditions and it’s the first time she’s seen you in—”
“Have you met my mother? She wanted a house full of kids.
Instead, she got stuck alone with yours truly. Besides, having
another girl in the house will probably make her Christmas.”
Iris’ eyes move back and forth as though she’s deliberating
the entire thing. I’m sure this can’t be easy. She’s literally just
broken things off with her boyfriend. The last thing she needs is a
family full of country folks overstimulating the last bit of sense she
has left. But I suppose that’s what Christmas is about.
“I can help you figure out a more permanent solution after
the holidays.”
Creak throws his hand on my shoulder before heading toward
his truck. “I’m glad you weren’t arrested.” He glances toward Iris. “I
know Diesel will take good care of you. Let me know when you guys
are settled in for the night.”
“Same to you,” I say, patting him on the back heavily before
he makes his way back to his truck. “Thanks for keeping me straight
tonight.”
 He nods and heads off into the dark as I jump up into the
truck next to Iris. Her hand is over her face as she stares out the
window. I buckle my seatbelt and begin to pull out.
“What did I just do?” she asks. “I thought we were just going
out for some time together and now I’m in a parking lot with you
and he couldn't care less. He’s just sitting there.” She points to see
him still sitting at the bench where they’d both been a second ago.
“I should go talk to him. I can’t leave things like this. It’s—”
“I can wait here if you want to talk to him, but maybe you
both need some time to cool off.”
I can see how she could feel worthless since he just left her
with a relative stranger. Everything inside of me wants to reassure
her of the opposite, tell her that she’s cared about, that I’ll watch
over her, that I won’t let anything happen, but I have a feeling it’ll
sound creepy coming from my mouth. Sure, we know of each other,
but we don’t really know each other well enough for that level of
comfort yet. I wouldn’t even be here right now if it weren’t for Tim.
She lets out a heavy sigh. “Maybe it’s best to go.”
Nodding, I crank up the heat and pull out onto the main road
and toward my parents’ house. It’s true, my mother will be excited
to have a guest, but this situation is going to be difficult to explain
without a lot of questions. She’s the sweetest woman, and the best
mother I could’ve ever asked for, but if there’s one quality my mom
exhibits most, it’s nosiness and this is going to send her into
overdrive.
“This is so surreal,” Iris says, running her hand back through
her hair. “Gary is all I’ve known since high school.” I realize now
she’s shaking. “I’m not sure I can do any of this without him.”
I reach my hand toward her in comfort. “That’s not true at all.
If I remember right, there was a version of you in elementary school
determined to run an entire bake sale on your own for the Save the
Manatee Club when all your friends dropped out. I’m sure there
were some thankful sea cows in Florida that year.”
She glances toward me with a quick grin. “I was a child.
Children are all born with vigor. It’s a trait that gets us through to
adulthood.” Her back straightens. “I know I’ll be fine. I guess I just
wish I hadn’t wasted so much time. I knew he wasn’t right for me
from the beginning.”
“My staff sergeant always told us that hindsight isn’t a
strategy. You can’t plan your future based on something you didn’t
know. You’re a hopeful person who wanted good things. That’s a
good quality. You shouldn’t blame yourself for that.”
As we pass the last few stop lights in town, there’s a light
snow falling and a good two feet of snow on the ground. Man, it
feels good to be home. I didn’t make it back last Christmas. It
wasn’t until I had a Christmas away before I realized how much I
would miss it.
“This place is beautiful,” Iris says, taking in the scene of the
farmhouse with twinkling white lights hanging off it. Dad’s even
gone to the trouble of putting up the rotating Santa out front. He’s
hated that thing since mom bought it nearly twenty years ago, but
it’s taken the beating of winter pretty well over the years.
“How did I not know you lived on a farm? What do you
raise?”
“Dairy cows mostly. We have a few horses but they’re just for
hobby.”
“Dairy! I completely forgot about the parade tomorrow. I’m
supposed to drive the dairy truck down State Street at noon.”
I pull the truck into the space near the barn and turn off the
engine. “I’ll help you. It’s no big deal. I have some last minute
Christmas shopping to do down there anyway, if you don’t mind me
tagging along.”
She smiles and a swell of happiness rushes through me. I’ve
been waiting to get home for months, but seeing her face light up
has stopped me dead in my tracks and I want more.
“Dominick! Dominick’s home!” my mother shouts from the
front porch.
Iris holds her grin in place and bumps my elbow with hers.
“You should go say hello to your parents. I’ll be right there.”
I’d fight the urge to argue, but my mother is nearing the car
and I know soon she’ll be inside asking too many questions if I don’t
move.
 “Dominick!” my mother’s voice echoes across the quiet night
and into the darkness as she stretches her arms out toward me.
She’s wearing a long black robe and house shoes as she crunches
overtop the newly fallen snow.
“Mom,” I say, grabbing her up from the ground in my arms to
swing her. It’s been way too long since I’ve smelled the scent of
vanilla and brown sugar on her skin. It’s a trademark aroma she has
from years of baking. We used to pick on her as kids that she was
turning into a cookie herself she baked so much.
She stops in the snow and grips both sides of my face, then
looks me over, patting me down as the snow falls a little heavier.
“One piece. You got back to me in one piece. Dominick…” A tear falls
and I lift her again, carrying her back to the porch where my father
is waiting.
“Peter, can you believe it? A Christmas with our baby boy?
How long has it been since that’s happened?” There’s a shake in her
voice as she watches my father lean in and hug me. He knows what
it’s like to be deployed. He spent nearly ten years in the military
himself.
“We’ve got your room all set up for you, son. You can get
some rest and I’ll make a big breakfast in the morning. That is
unless you’re hungry now… I can get you something started. I have
steak and potat—”
“He’s fine, Jenny,” my father says. “We talked about this. He
needs a second to get his bearings.”
“Who’s this?” My mother’s eyes dart between me and toward
Iris whose making her way up the porch steps. “Iris?” she says with
narrowed brows. “Tim’s sister, right? What are you doing here,
dear?”
I reach back for Iris’ hand to help her up the slippery steps of
the front porch.
My mother reaches out and pulls her into her arms before
looking back at me. She’s obviously confused as to why Iris is on the
front porch in the middle of a snowstorm, but I’m not sure she’s put
it together yet that she came with me.
“Did your car break down or—”
 “No, Mom. She came with me.”
My mother’s eyes narrow in the same way they have the last
twenty-seven years when she knows something is off about a
situation. “Came with you? Dear… what do you mean she came with
you? Is this the friend you were stopping to see on your way in?”
Her eyes light as though she’s had an enjoyable epiphany.
“Dominick… are you two dating? Are you bringing a girlfriend home
for Christmas?”
Before I have a chance to answer, she wraps us both into a
hug and squeezes, then opens the front porch door. “This is so
exciting. Both of you come in from the col—”
“Mom, we’re no—”
“Don’t say another word. I know you need your space. You two
get upstairs and get settled in. We’ll talk in the morning.” She shifts
her excitement toward my father, whose face is stoic and
emotionless as it always is, though I know he means it in the
warmest of ways. “Can you believe this, Peter? Our boy brought a
girl home for Christmas. And Iris… sweet Iris at that.”
I glance toward Iris, who seems to be taking it all in stride, or at
least she’s pretending to. She has a huge smile on her face as she
hugs them both and follows me up the stairs toward the bedroom.
Every part of me wants to walk down the stairs backward to keep
my eyes on her grin, but I stay forward until we’re face to face with
the next awkward realization of the night. One full sized bed.
 Chapter Four
Iris

The bed is small, but there’s no way I’m letting Dominick sleep
on the floor. Not after everything he’s done for me tonight.
“I’m not taking the bed,” he says, tossing a pillow onto the
ground. “I have slept in the dirt. I can sleep on the bedroom flo—”
“You can,” I say, finally comfortable in Dominick’s oversized t-
shirt. “But I’m not going to let you. Come on, we can both sleep in
the same bed. We’re adults. Besides, I think we could use a
collectively good night’s sleep.”
He hesitates for a second, then bends to pick up his pillow. “Are
you sure? I don’t want you feeling awkward after the day you had,
and now my mother thinks we’re dating. I’ll correct her tomorro—”
“I’m sure, but what if you don’t correct her?” I say, fluffing my
pillow. “I mean, you can if it’s weird for you. I just… I don’t know,
it’s easier than having to explain everything.”
 I’m not sure if I’m asking for too much or if I’m making things
easier on him.
“She’s going to expect us to hold hands and we’ll have to act like
a couple. I don’t think that’s a good idea considering everything
you’ve just been through.”
I slide into bed beside him and turn sideways, resting my hand
on my head. We’re just a few inches apart, and from here I can
smell the cedar on his skin even clearer, and I feel bad for noticing.
“We should tell her tomorrow then. I don’t want things to be
awkward between us. You’ve done so much for me already.”
“I didn’t do anything someone else wouldn’t have. You doing
okay?”
I twist onto my back and look up at the ceiling. “I’ll be okay.”
Dominick twists onto his side and looks toward me. He’s big and
warm, and there’s something comforting about him I can’t put my
finger on.
“You’re strong, you know that?” he says, his voice deep and
graveled.
I twist to face him, my mind running a mile a minute. “I feel bad
that I’m interrupting your time with your family and that you’re up
here helping me feel better. If I weren’t here, you’d probably be—”
“In this bed, about to go to sleep.” He reaches his hand out
toward me, wiping a tear that’s falling off my cheek. “Iris, you’re not
a problem. I’m genuinely glad you’re here with me. You have to
remember that what Gary did to you isn’t your fault.”
“How do you know it’s not my fault? I wasn’t perfect. I pushed
his buttons. I asked for too much. I—”
“Listen, I don’t have a lot of relationship experience, and I don’t
know what you said to him or how your relationship was, but I know
that to the right person, you can never ask for too much. And I
know that most guys don’t run around laying hands on their girls for
any reason.” His tone is sure and factual, and I want to believe him,
I want to think that everything is going to be okay, that it's Gary
who was in the wrong, that it’s me who has to heal, but I’m not sure
what to believe anymore. My stomach shakes and I roll away from
Dominick, trying to hide my tears. I don’t want him to see me like
this. He’s already done so much for me. He’s home for the first time
in years at Christmas. He should enjoy it without my symphony of
tears in the background. “Goodnight,” I manage. “Thank you again
for everything.”
I know I’m thanking him a lot, but I mean it. I can’t say it
enough. And though I’m not sure what I’m doing here, or what life
is without Gary, it’s nice to have warmth and kindness near me.
“Iris,” Dominick says, his hand on my shoulder. He’s warm. “I
don’t want you to go to bed crying. What can I do to make you feel
better?”
His words shouldn’t make me cry harder, but they do. I wrap my
arms around my stomach and curl into a ball.
Dominick edges in behind me, his hands around my shoulders.
“You’re okay, sweetheart. It’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?”
I’m not sure he knows how much his comfort means to me. I pull
myself together, snuffling up the tears I’d just let go. “Do you know
how many times Gary called me a cry baby? It’s like my tears
insulted him somehow. I don’t know.” I wipe my hand down over my
face and stare toward Dominick whose gaze is warm, comforting,
and engaged. “It’s just strange to have someone reach out to me
when I’m being emotional. He always avoided me when I was like
this, under the guise of me having overactive emotions. I don’t
know. It’s hard to see what’s up or down right now. I’m sorry. I
shouldn’t tell you this, it’s just coming out.”
“Can I hold you?” Dominick asks, stretching his arm out to place
under my head. “You don’t have to say yes.”
I nod and lift my head to let him in, sinking into the warm
comfort of his arms as I fend off guilt. Things are over with Gary, I’m
pretty sure we both agree to that, but it still feels wrong to accept
another man’s comfort so quickly. Then again, Dominick was
practically family growing up. Sure, I didn’t hang out with him and
can’t remember one conversation we had but still… he’s attached to
Tim. Maybe I shouldn’t feel so bad. Maybe I should just relax and let
myself heal a little.
“I want you to cry until you can’t cry anymore,” he says. “I’m just
going to hold you.”
 I nod and lay against his bare chest, listening to the heavy
thump of his heart as he holds me close. For a while, I let the tears
fall, thinking about how much I hate Gary for not being the guy that
would hold me through the tears, for not wanting to make things
better, for wasting so much of my life, for letting me believe I was
someone special in his kinder moments only to rip it away when he
was angry, for embarrassing me, for putting me in a place where I
needed rescuing from a man I don’t know. Then, like a cool breeze,
those feelings subside and all that’s left is me and Dominick and
everything I’ve ever wanted.
I push the thought away. I can’t fall for Dominick. He’s Tim’s
best friend. Under the best circumstances that would be super
awkward, let alone this one. I mean, who knows how I’ll feel in a
week or two. My emotions are all over the place.
Dominick drags his hand down the side of my arm and lets out a
low hum. “You stopped crying… are you okay?”
I nod slowly, entranced by his gentle touch, soothed in a way I’m
not sure I have been in years. A soft, warm touch with no baggage,
no reasoning to square with it. It’s just a touch. A kind, willing
touch, and I love it.
“Do you want to tell me about the parade then? I want to hear
all about it.” I love that he’s trying to distract me from myself before
bed.
“Well, I have to be there at noon, drive the truck over to State
Street, then decorate. Thankfully, I dropped off the decorations last
week.” I smile thinking of the idea I’ve come up with. “I’m making a
yeti with a red Santa hat and little arms that hold ice cream cones. I
think the kids are going to love it. Did you guys go to the parade as
kids?”
I wait a long moment for a response, but I soon realize he is fast
asleep, his chest rising slow and heavy as I lay in place. The poor
guy must be exhausted. Today has been crazy for him. He’s flown
around the world, rescued me from the bar, and still had time to
listen to me cry. I contemplate moving to give him space but as I try
to break free, he squeezes me closer and for the first time in forever,
something just feels right.
 Chapter Five
Diesel

I let my hand run up the side of Iris’ arm and down again. She’s
soft and smooth, like crushed velvet or satin, and her hair is tied up
away from her face. I prefer it like this so I can clearly see the soft
contours of her neck.
She isn’t saying much, but she’s smiling softly, every tear
completely dry, and there’s a light back in her heart that’s undeniably
gorgeous.
I drag my hand over her cheek and land my palm on the side of
her face. “You’re beautiful,” I say, pulling her body into mine. It’s
then that I realize we’re both naked. For a second, I’m taken back
by it, and I almost let go. It’s too soon, she’s not ready. I can’t start
things with her like this. But she leans in toward me and brushes her
lips with mine so soft that I’m reassured and let down my guard.
Inch by inch, I take her in, dragging my hand down over her curves
before pressing her plump, round breasts against my chest. Her
nipples are hard as spears and she’s moaning slightly as I rub
against her with my hard cock.
I try to hide it at first, but she doesn’t let me. She reaches down
and grips it tight, pumping it in her small hand as she moans and
begs me to touch her. I try to wrap my head around what’s
happening, but it’s like we’ve fallen into some vortex of sexual
energy, and nothing makes sense. As hard as I try, I can’t focus on
any other feeling. There’s an overwhelming urge to grip her hips,
bend her over and claim her. I need to make her mine, show her
what real love feels like, make sure that smile never leaves her face
again.
Iris turns around and bends over, stretching her smooth curved
body upward before looking back toward me as though she’s ready
for my cock. “Dominick, I need you… please.” Her voice is soft with a
slight whine that tickles me somewhere deep within.
What is happening? Where are we?
Slowly, I tip the end of my cock to her soft mound, edging in with
care only to be interrupted by a banging sound in the distance. It
sounds like metal on metal but it’s muffled enough that I can’t quite
make it out.
What the hell?
I reach out for Iris, but she’s gone and suddenly, reasoning
floods, and I’m pulled back into reality. I try to close my eyes and go
back to the dream, but before I get too far, panic strikes through my
heart.
Where did she go? She wouldn’t go back to Gary, would she?
I toss on some clothes from my dresser and head downstairs in a
flurry, quickly realizing the banging I’d heard were pots and pans.
Buttermilk and bacon fill the air as I turn the corner to see Iris in the
same red dress she wore last night, cooking with my mother. They’re
laughing and singing some Christmas song as though they’ve been
the best of friends forever and my heart swells.
“What’s going on down here?” I snatch a piece of bacon from the
plate on the counter and study Iris, trying not to think of her the
way I saw her in my dream last night.
 “I hope we didn’t wake you up. I was up early and your mom
said she had a lot of baking to do so we just got—”
“You didn’t wake me up,” I say, kissing her forehead. It’s natural
and when I do it, I wonder if I’ve gone too far, but she only pauses a
second before going back to things with my mom.
“So you two have a lot to tell me,” Mom says. “How did you start
dating? Does Tim know? How long have you been together?”
“Well, that’s the thing, Mrs. Bower. We’re not actua—”
“We’re not actually ready to tell Tim yet. I wanted to tell him in
person when he comes home this summer.” The words spill from my
lips quicker than I can stop them, though I’m not sure why.
Iris looks at me with narrowed brows. Not like she’s mad, but
rather like she’s confused, and I don’t blame her. Though, with the
barrage of questions my mother just belted out about us dating, I
know it’ll be easier to explain a few dating questions than it will why
she left Gary, what he did, and what she’s going to do next.
“I bet he’s going to love this,” Mom says pouring another two
pancakes onto the griddle. “You two are very cute together. So how
long have you been dating?”
I glance toward Iris then back at my mother. “Not long. But Iris’
family is in Florida and I knew you love to have company so I told
her we’d surprise you and—”
She moves toward me and pinches my cheeks. “You’re right. I do
love company, especially when it’s my little boy and the girl he loves.
Or… maybe you haven’t said love yet. I don’t want to put the cart in
front of the horse. Oh dear. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
“I very much love Dominick, Mrs. Bower.” Iris shoots a look at me
with a soft smile that sends electricity through my heart—even if she
doesn’t mean it. “He’s been the greatest help to me. I couldn’t have
gotten through the past without him.”
“That’s my boy,” Mom says, running her hand down over my
shoulder. “He’s much better at emotions than his father.” She rolls
her eyes as Dad walks into the room, but he doesn’t seem phased
by what she’s said. He only grabs a slice of toast then makes his way
toward his recliner.
 “Love you too, dear,” Dad finally says. I don’t put a second
thought into it. This is their relationship. It’s always been this way,
for as long as I can remember and they seem to love each other
very deeply. They just aren’t good at showing it out loud.
“Anyway, do you kids want to decorate cookies tonight? I thought
I’d whip up a few batches of Grandma’s sugar cookies and we could
get them ready for Santa… after the parade that is. Iris told me you
were taking the Byrne Dairy truck in the parade. Dad and I will be
there with bells on,” she laughs. “Literally, I bought us matching
sweaters with bells.”
“Is it the one from Marshalls?” Iris asks. “With the reindeer
antlers? I have that one too, but it’s…”
“It’s still at your place isn’t it. We should stop by and get you
some new clothes to wear. I’m sorry I forgot your bag last night
when we were leaving. I am so—”
“You’re not dumb,” Iris says. “It was my fault.” Her eyes are on
mine and there’s so much gratitude in them. The truth is, I should
be thanking her. I wasn’t sure how I was going to transition into life
outside of the military and she’s given me purpose and reason.
“Well, just make sure you head home if that storm gets worse. I
hear we’re supposed to get two feet tonight—”
“Oh please,” Dad says, the sound of plates hitting the table
ushering him back into the kitchen to help as he realizes eating is
getting closer. “They talk about these storms like the world is ending
then we end up with nothing. Just have fun today.”
“Either way, keep an eye on the radar,” Mom says. “I swear that’s
the only thing these phones are good for. I know when a storm is
coming, and I can call Grandma when she’s worrying about the
noises in the attic. I keep telling her it’s just racoons, but you know
how she gets.”
Iris and I smile at each other and sit at the table with the family.
Enjoying a home cooked meal has been on the top of my to do list
since I finished the last one nearly a year ago. MRE’s get old after
one meal, and while snacks from home tide you over, the feeling of a
good old fashioned family meal to fill your stomach is about as good
as it gets.
 “So what made you two start dating?” Mom asks, slicing her fork
into a stack of pancakes. “I thought you were sorely against
relationships.”
I stuff another bite of food into my mouth to think of how to
answer, but Iris takes over before I have a chance.
“It’s so strange, isn’t it? How one day you can totally believe
you’re looking for one thing, then feel something completely
different the next. That somehow you know that the new dream
you’ve found is the one you’re supposed to be dreaming about. It’s
like everything just clicks.” Her tone is genuine and when she looks
at me, I believe her.
“It is.” My mother lays her hand over top of Iris’ on the table.
“It’s so sweet that you two found each other after all this time. I just
want to make you feel welcome. I am a little upset, though.”
“Upset?” I ask, my stomach in knots. My mother is rarely upset,
and most definitely not at me.
“Yes, dear. You’ve come all this way, with this beautiful girl, and
you didn’t tell me she was coming for Christmas. It’s Christmas Eve.”
She glances toward Iris. “I’m not sure what I can find in the stores
this late in the game, so don’t judge me. I take this Christmas thing
very seriously. I think the perfect gift is out there for everyone and I
really pride myself in finding it… don’t I Peter?”
Dad nods and shovels in more home fries.
“Right,” Mom says sweetly. “So I’m sorry to have to ask you this,
but I’m afraid I don’t know what you’d like for Christmas.”
Iris smiles, and my heart relaxes. “Oh, Mrs. Bower—”
“Jenny, please.”
“Jenny,” Iris says. “Really, the best gift I can have is spending
time with all of you. This is much better than being alone.”
“Of course, dear, but I have to find you a gift too. It’s tradition!
What do you like? What are yo—”
“It’s nearly eleven, Iris. We should get down to the dairy or we’re
going to mess up the procession line.”
Mom sighs and I feel bad leaving. I know she’d prefer we sit at
the table all day and talk, which doesn’t sound too bad to me either.
I love my mom and catching up with her is what I’m here to do, but
now seems like a good time to pull Iris from the conversation. I
don’t want her to have to give a list of the things she loves or go
through any questioning she isn’t ready for.
I stand from the table and clean up my mess before kissing my
mother on the head. “Leave the rest of this. I’ll clean it up when we
get back… okay? We shouldn’t be gone long.”
Iris leans down toward my mom. “This morning, cooking with
you, getting to know you, having someone to talk to, that was a gift.
I really appreciate it.”
And with that, I’m not sure any other girl will ever measure up
again… and I know just how complicated that makes all of this.
 Chapter Six
Iris

“Your mom is adorable,” I say, climbing up into the truck. There’s

a thick layer of snow on the ground that wasn’t here last night, and
the sky is gray like there’s more on the way.
“She’s something,” Dominick says, swishing on the windshield
wipers to clear away the snow that’s fallen overnight before backing
out of the spot. “I’m sorry for all the questions, and I’m sorry for the
boyfriend-girlfriend thing. I—”
“It’s okay, it’s just for the weekend. I can manage. Besides, is it
crazy that it feels kind of nice being part of a family again? I’ve been
isolated here with Gary so long I’d forgotten what that felt like to be
in a space with people who like your company. God, I probably
sound so pathetic.”
He turns out onto the main road and toward the dairy store that’s
just a mile from his house, but the roads are slick and he keeps his
speed down. “You don’t sound pathetic. You’re a person who’s been
in a shitty situation for a long time. I know I’m happy to have you
here. Hell, more than happy… too happy, probably. When I realized
you weren’t in bed this morning, a part of me was a little sad.”
My heart stops, then starts again. He’s been so understanding
and the thought of him enjoying his time beside me in bed has my
head in a flurry.
“Sad? Why sad? I figured you’d be happy to get some room
to move. That bed is pretty small.”
He shakes his head as though he isn’t sure how to answer,
focusing on the road as he just makes the yellow light before it
turns, and flicks on his blinker before rolling into the ice cream
shop’s parking lot. December in upstate New York doesn’t leave
much room for ice cream, but people still come for fresh milk and
cheese, packing up the parking lot densely.
Dominick lets me off at the door before taking the truck to
park it on the opposite side of the lot, which I appreciate because
it’s getting close to noon and I’m already picturing Jessa’s face
tensing as she realizes there’s a chance I may not have the truck in
line on time. She’s been working on getting this set up since last
year’s parade ended.
“Hey, Jessa,” I say, unwrapping my scarf as I make my way
into the dairy. The store bell rings as I step inside, but another face
catches the corner of my eye, and my heart sinks. It’s Gary. He’s
standing in the corner by the Christmas tree like he’s been waiting
for me to show.
It’s been less than twenty-four hours, but I already feel like
life has taken a turn for the better and seeing his face is like seeing
a ghost, like the world I shared with him was eons ago, even though
my toothbrush is still sitting on the counter next to his.
“Iris,” he says, his voice dark and vexed. “We need to talk.
You’re not answering my calls.”
My stomach turns. I haven’t even looked at my phone since
yesterday. I’d completely forgotten it existed, which is kind of
strange for me. Usually, it’s attached to my face.
“What is there to talk about Gary?”
 “For one, you left with some stranger last night. I didn’t know
if you were alright or if you—”
“Did you call the police?”
“No, why would I? You willingly left with him. Where did you
go last night?”
“I’m fine. I’ll be over to pick up my things after Christmas.”
“You’re really going through with this? Come on, we have
years of history. You can’t just throw it all away.” His tone is tense as
he reaches an arm out to cup my elbow. “I’m sorry about last night.
It’s just you’re always complaining, and I just wanted to have a nice
night.”
It’s funny, if I hadn’t spent the night with Dominick, I’d have
thought this is how people communicate. Gary is the only reference
I had to what a relationship was. I suppose he still is. Dominick and
I just shared one night. Gary’s had to spend years with me. Maybe I
am always complaining.
“So can we go talk somewhere? I can help you with the float
this afterno—”
The bell rings behind me and without turning, I know by the
look on Gary’s face who it is.
“What’s he doing here?”
I twist toward Dominick as though I don’t know it’s him.
Why does the sight of him make me want to burst into tears,
run toward him, shelter in his arms again the way I had last night
when everything drifted away and for the first time I felt safe?
“Well?” Gary says, still waiting for an answer to his question.
“What’s he doing here?”
Dominick’s weight fills in behind me, his heat warming me
even without touch. “Everything okay?”
Gary steps forward. “Yeah, everything is good. I was just
talking to my girlfriend.” His jaw is set straight, and I feel his
aggression starting to peek through.
Dominick’s hand rests on my shoulder. “Are you his girlfriend,
Iris? Do you want to talk to him?”
My heart races against the blood in my veins toward the exit,
both of them trying to leave my body and inhabit someone else’s
who’s decisions aren’t my own. But they are my own, and the truth
is that there is better out there. Even if it’s not with Dominick,
someone, anyone would treat me better than Gary.
I look down at the tile floor, then toward the Christmas tree in
the corner, before glancing up again to meet Gary’s gaze for the last
time. “No. I’m not his girlfriend, and there’s nothing more to talk
about.”
I turn away toward the counter and make my way to Jessa
who’s playing with buttons on the register as though she isn’t
listening to our conversation. It’s okay if she is, we’re making a
scene in a store the size of a bedroom that’s in the middle of
nowhere. I’m sure this is the most action this place has seen in
years.
“I’m the best fucking thing that’ll ever happen to you,” Gary
snarls. I can nearly feel his saliva on my skin though he’s feet away
from me.
“She asked you to leave,” Dominick says, stepping between
Gary and myself.
Gary’s fist cocks and his elbow stretches back. I’ve seen it a
thousand times, and it breaks my heart, because the good Gary…
the guy I know that’s buried somewhere deep… is a guy I loved, a
guy I trusted, a guy I saw a future with. I refuse to believe he
walked into this thinking he wanted to hurt me. He didn’t. But there
is something dark about him I can’t fix, and it’s never been more
apparent than when his jaw clenches shut and his fists fly forward
toward Dominick.
I expect Dominick to fight back. He’s big, strong, and by the
look on his face, also very angry. But he doesn’t. He holds up his
hand, diverts Gary’s punch, wraps his arm around his neck, pushes
open the door, and tosses him into the snow.
“Are you okay?” Dominick lets the door swing shut then
rounds toward me with comfort in his heart, but suddenly, I don’t
feel scared anymore.
I step from behind the counter, pass by Dominick, and open
the door into the pile of snow where Gary is standing up.
 “I’ll be by to pick up my things December 26th. If I hear from
you again, or you bother me when I get there, I’ll call the police.
We’re done Gary, and I’m sorry it took me so long to see what I was
worth.”
He mumbles something to me, but I don’t stay to hear him.
Instead, I move back into the dairy with my head held high.
“Let’s get this truck in route,” I say, dipping behind the
counter for the keys, “We have a parade to get to.”
 Chapter Seven
Diesel

We’re not in the dairy truck for ten minutes before the snow
picks up and there are whiteout conditions, but all I’m thinking
about is how strong and brave Iris was for standing up to Gary. I’m
sure that wasn’t easy.
“I’m sorry for all the drama. I’m sure you thought you were
coming home to some peace and holiday cheer. All you’ve gotten is
my world crashing around you.”
“This is just what I needed. Is it weird that I missed the desert
the second I left?” I suck in a deep breath and drive slowly through
the snowstorm that’s gaining.
My eyes are on the road, but I see Iris shake her head out the
corner of my eye. “No, it’s not weird at all. You built a family out
there. Will any of them be coming home soon?”
I nod. “A few guys came home with me, but we’re scattered all
over the country. We do have a wedding we’re all meeting up for in
the city around the new year. You should come. It would be fun to
introduce you to everyone.” I hadn’t stopped to think about how I
was inviting her to a wedding with all my friends three seconds after
she just officially broke things off with Gary, but now that I realize I
have, my heart stalls.
I shouldn’t have asked her. I should give her time to think things
over.
“I’d love to go,” she says. “Is it over the weekend or—”
“It’s on the 31st. Don’t feel pressured. I don’t know why I
thought you’d—”
“You don’t know why I’d like fun?” she laughs. “I could really use
the distraction. It sounds like a nice time.”
“So it’s set then, you and I… New Year’s Eve… New York City.
The guys are going to love you. There’s also this woman named
Dust Off… Amelia. She lost a leg in combat and I know you two
would click great. I imagine she’s having a tough time getting
reacclimated to civilian life. It’s tough, you know? Coming back to
this, acting like nothing back there happened.”
“I can’t imagine. You’ve all been through literal war together. It’s
been so long since I’ve had any real friends. It’s nice you’ve had the
military to find a family with. All the nicknames and the friendship.
It’s so nice.” There’s a wistfulness in her tone that almost makes me
sad, as though she wants to belong somewhere as well. “So I
heard… Creak… call you Diesel. Why Diesel?”
I glance toward her then back at the road as I turn down the
side street to avoid the traffic leaving the mall. I flex my muscles
playfully, glancing toward her just briefly. “I have quite a reputation
for not knowing when to shut the fuck up. So add that to the fact
that I am constantly pushing the squad to go harder, you get Diesel.
But trust me, it’s like calling someone Creak. They are insulting me,
with love of course,” I say with a laugh.
She chuckles, sarcasm in her tone. “You? No… I can’t picture you
like that at all. Either way, I’m excited to meet your friends. That
sounds fun.”
 She wants to meet my friends? The concept seems foreign. I’ve
only ever heard stories of men who are forced to abandon their
friends when they settle down. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a loner at
heart, but my unit will always have a special place in my life.
Knowing Iris is open to that, knowing she fits so well with my family,
knowing I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her since I had
that fun dream last night… it’s too much. I can’t get this deep so
fast. I have to slow the hell down or I’m going to scare her off.
“Watch out!” she gasps, pointing forward toward something I
can’t see. The wind gusts and a dark figure crosses the road. I
assume it’s a deer by the shape of its head but I don’t get a good
look as the truck starts to skid.
I grip the wheel tight and go with the slide, but snow catches in
the tires and throws the truck off the side of the road and into the
ditch. We hit pretty hard as we come to an abrupt stop.
“Are you okay?” I reach toward Iris and run my hands down over
her leg. She looks fine, but she could’ve hit her head on the glass or
flown forward when I was trying to get control of the truck.
She nods. “I’m okay, are you?”
“Aside from the truck being in a ditch, I’m great.” I reach for my
phone but realize I’ve left it in my truck. “Do you have your cell?”
She shakes her head. “I haven’t been carrying it with me. I didn’t
want to hear from Gary and I—”
“It’s okay,” I say, gripping her hand in my own. “Let me check to
see if I can get us out.” I hop from the dairy truck and take a look at
the damage. We’re wedged into the ditch pretty good. I’ve gotten
trucks out of sand, and I’ve gotten trucks out of snow, but there is
no way I’m getting this thing out of this ditch without a tow. The
snow is clouding my vision faster than I could dig and it’s angled just
right that even with the floor mats under the tires, I couldn’t gain
traction. I hop back into the truck and rub my hands together to
warm them before shutting off the engine. “We can’t run the truck.
The snow is piling up. We’ll have exhaust backing up, and it doesn’t
look like I’ll be able to get us out on my own. It’s okay though,
someone will go by soon. There are a few farmers on this road.” I’m
saying the words to comfort her, but I’m not sure I believe them. I
know the farmers on this road, and they aren’t the type to leave
during a storm. Most of them keep stockpiles for days like this. Not
only that, but it’s not common that plows even service these
backroads. They’re too busy with the main city streets to worry
about the low use areas. I knew that when we pulled off, but I didn’t
figure we’d be on this path for long.
She tries to open her door, but it’s jammed against the
snowbank. “We can walk. I’m sure there is a house not too far fro—”
“We can’t walk, Iris. We’ll risk getting hit by a car or freezing. We
need to stay where we are. Someone will find us. It’s Christmas Eve.
There’s probably a lot of travel going by.”
I pop the glove box and look for an emergency kit but there
isn’t one. The only red we have is Iris’ scarf. “Can I use that? We can
hang it out the window letting people know we’re in distress.”
She nods and unwraps the scarf handing it to me with wide eyes.
I hate that she’s worried. I want her to always feel safe and
protected when she’s around me. “I’ll get this figured out. You just
relax, okay? Tell me more about your Christmas traditions.”
“It’s okay, Dominick. You don’t need to fix it. I can help you
figure something out.”
“I know you can,” I say, reaching out for her hand. “But I want to
take care of you.”
Our gaze meets and for a second, I forget that we’re in this truck
on the side of the road, and I’m sure she does too because neither
of us say a word.
“How is it that you make me feel everything I’ve ever wanted to
feel in my entire life in a day?”
“I’ll let you hold that thought until this is over,” I laugh, unsure of
how to react to her words. Initially, I want to scoop her up, kiss her,
warm her, hold her, but I’m still not sure how appropriate any of that
is. “Here, why don’t you get more comfortable?” I unlock her
seatbelt and climb into the back seat of the truck, before guiding her
back with me. It’s not a full back seat but there is enough room that
we can stretch out a little and share a blanket that’s tucked away in
case of emergencies. That’s something.
 “I’m starving. Are you starving?” I ask, eyeballing the hatch to
open the back of the truck.
Iris smiles. “Jessa said she had two crates of ice cream back
there. I was supposed to drop it at Stewarts on the way back from
the parade. Do you think we should…I mean, won’t that just make
us colder?”
My brows narrow playfully as I try to keep things light for her.
“Well, we can’t starve to death, and we have this blanket and body
heat if we need it. We don’t have spoons though.”
Her eyes widen as she leans forward, stretching back into the
front seat to pop the glove box. Her round ass plants directly in my
face as she bends, and I’m forced to hold back instead of reaching
out toward her.
“Jessa always keeps a box of spoons in the glove box for
samples. They’re small but—”
“Spoons… but no roadside kit? That makes sense,” I laugh,
helping steady her as she sits back into her place on the bench seat
beside me. “Should I see what’s back there?”
I nod. “If you can reach, things may have gotten jostled while we
were doing gymnastics on the road.”
Popping the cooler door outward she peeks in. “It’s pretty dark
back here, but I think I see something. Pistachio cherry or peanut
butter cup?”
“No chocolate chip? That is my favorite. Can you reach both?”
“I can if you hold my legs,” she says, diving into the cooler.
There isn’t much room to maneuver but I do as she asks and
hold her long, smooth legs as she reaches back for the ice cream.
She’s still wearing the short red dress and it would be easy for me to
take every inch of her in at this angle, but I look away.
“Okay, pull me out,” she hollers.
In her hands are two cartons of ice cream. “I’m going to need
that body heat now,” she says with chattering teeth. “I’m freezing.”
She hands me two gallons of ice cream then snuggles down into the
blanket next to me.
I reach my arm around her shoulder and pull her in, letting her
take the lids off the ice cream cartons and ready the spoons.
 She dips in without hesitation and scoops out a bite of pistachio,
guiding the bite to my lips. “Your hands are full. Here… taste.”
I let the frozen dessert slide off the spoon and into my lips, as I
look back at her. The only thought in my mind is how good she feels
this close to me.
With my free hand, I scoop out a bite of peanut butter cup and
slide the spoon into her mouth, letting her lick it clean before taking
it back. She smiles playfully. “I didn’t think this is how I’d be
spending Christmas Eve.”
I hold back from talking because everything that’s on the tip of
my tongue will be littered with interest for her and I need to think
reasonably. Number one, she’s younger than me. Number two, she’s
Tim’s little sister and I’m not completely sure how he’d take it if I fell
in love with her. Number three, she just broke up with her boyfriend.
Number four, we’re on the side of the damn road about to freeze.
Now is not the time.
“Are you okay?” She looks toward me with the cutest, inquisitive
face and all my breath leaves my lungs. This doesn’t happen to me.
I’m not the guy that runs around falling in love with random women.
Hell, I’m twenty-seven and there hasn’t been one woman yet that’s
made me pause… not like Iris.
“Dominick,” she says, waving a spoon in front of my face. “Are
you okay?”
I glance toward her, and I’m met with a feeling I’ve never had
before. A deep yearning, a craving, a desire so burning that I worry
my muscles will crawl from beneath my skin and act without
permission. A moment later, all logic fades until all that’s left is
what’s genuinely there. I lean into her lips and kiss her. It’s light at
first, persuasive even as I test the waters, but as I toss the ice
cream into the front of the truck, her hands move up onto my
shoulders and the kiss deepens to something more demanding and
carnal.
She gathers up on top of me and presses forward, resting her
hips over top my lap. “I shouldn’t want this so bad right now. Should
I?”
 I shake my head, kissing her between words. “I’ve been asking
myself that same question.” I run my hand back through her hair
and cup her face. “Iris, I don’t understand any of this.” I brush
kisses along her jawline. “I can’t stop myself. All I want is to hold
you, protect you, make you safe. It’s all I’ve been thinking about.”
“I had this dream about you last night,” she says, her eyes
narrowed and pensive as she looks toward me, our faces just inches
apart.
My ears perk as I wonder if our dreams were similar.
“It was the two of us in that little bed and you were holding me
so tight, and I felt so warm, Dominick. I was so warm and so safe
from everything and everyone. I just melted into you… and you
kissed me. You kissed me and I touched you.” Her eyes run wild with
freedom. “I’ve been thinking about it all day, wondering what your
big arms would feel like against my skin.”
“I think we had similar dreams. That’s part of the reason I was so
sad to see you gone this morning.” I run my lips down the side of
her neck. “But we should stop now. We have other things to think
about and I don’t want to go too far too fast.”
“What if we did though? What if we went too far?”
“You’re not ready,” I say, trailing my hand down over her neck.
She lets out a laugh, releasing the tension she’s holding. “I’ve
spent years in a relationship with a man that I had to beg to hold
me, treated me like a doormat, and I don’t know if I want to wait
anymore. I think I’ve been waiting for you my whole life.”
A wave of protectiveness roars within me until the only feeling
left inside of me is an overwhelming urge to claim her, and I’m not
sure it can wait another second.
 Chapter Eight
Iris

I move my hands from Dominick’s biceps, the cool air no longer

an issue as our bodies rub against one another. He strips off his coat
and I mine, as I straddle his lap. Pleasure and excitement roar inside
of me at the thought of us together.
Dominick cups my face in his hand and kisses my neck gently,
exploring every hill and valley as he moves his fingertip over top the
wet heat he’s spreading. Outside, the world is quiet as snow builds
around the truck in a flurry of white.
He’s barely touched me, but my body is already splintering with a
thousand shards of anxiety as I wait for more, but he moves slowly,
tenderly touching me in the strangest places. The lobe of my ear, the
small crook of the inside of my arm, the tips of my fingers, the soft
space between my neck and my shoulder. Warmth rushes through
me as every nerve pulsates, and as his lips meet mine, they nourish
me in a way that defies description.
 Anticipation launches through my body, moving my hands to the
buckle of his jeans.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” His voice is nearly tortured
and raspy. “I don’t want you doing anything you’re not ready for.”
“I’m so ready, Dominick.” My heart sits chocked in my throat. His
comforting, reassuring words are like a bath of pleasure that leaves
me with a giddy rush I can’t control.
Lifting his butt from the bench seat, he slides down his jeans as I
maneuver my panties to the ground, the urge to bury him inside of
me growing stronger.
“I wish there was more room back here. I want to take my time
with you, and take every bit of you in.” He grips my hips and angles
me back onto his lap as I try to swallow my heart back into my
chest. The need is all consuming and for the first time in my life I
feel my body beating, pulsing, living.
Slowly, I lower onto his long, thick shaft. The moment the
entirety of his cock is felt in my core, I lose sensation to any other
part of my body. It’s as though my body has to focus on taking its
girth all in.
Desire tightens my nipples and flashes toward my sex as our
gaze meets. He runs his fingers through my hair and holds me close
to him as I bounce. Thrill thumps through my veins as I lean against
his chest.
The desperate grip of his hands on my body seeps through my
every pore and sets me on fire. His hand moves toward the back of
my neck as his eyes stay fixed on mine. “Don’t look away,” he
growls. “Keep your eyes on mine.”
His demand sends a shock of excitement through my body as his
hand moves between us and toward my clit. The lump is already
swollen and soaked, and though his touch is soft, the rush of
pleasure is enough to send me over the edge. Riding him harder, I
bounce up and down, his gaze never leaving mine as he circles my
clit with one hand and holds the back of my neck with the other.
He’s firm, but passionate with his movements and a knot of emotion
begins to burn at my center. A soft wave of delight waves down my
neck and into my groin, forcing pulses of pleasure that push
Dominick to the brink. He thrusts upward and grips me harder,
growling loud as ribbons of come spill into me.
“Damn,” he growls, his eyes still on me. His lips meet mine again
with a frightening desperation that shifts my skin and leaves my
nerves dancing. “You’re mine now. Do you hear me? I’m never
letting you go.”
I bite my lip, trying to make my heart stop racing. There are a
million things going through my mind and all of them are
overwhelmingly happy, flowering as I stare back at his face, but I
can’t find the words to put them in. Maybe there aren’t words to
describe what I’m feeling. Maybe this is a completely new feeling
that just now has been felt for the very first time.
A heavy knock hits on the front driver side window and I jump.
From the inside of the steamy window, all we can see is a large man
with a Santa hat on. We both look at each other and burst into
laughter. I am not sure this was the rescue we were hoping for.
He buckles his jeans then climbs back into the front seat. “We’re
so glad to see you,” he says to the very festively dressed police
officer. “We went off the road here a couple of hours ago.”
“There’s a snowstorm moving through. Where were you two
headed?”
“We were headed to the parade up on State Street. I think we’ve
missed it now.”
The officer nods. “That was cancelled. I’ll get you two a lift
home. Where are you headed?”
Dominick gives his parents address to the officer then slides back
into the back seat with me as we wait. “That was unexpected. I’m
glad you won’t have to spend Christmas Eve on the side of the road,
but I think I might have to do this again later, just to hold you longer
afterward.”
My heart threatens to shatter in the confines of my chest as a
smile tugs and tingles somewhere deep and low within my belly. It’s
insane how safe Dominick makes me feel. An unexpected rush of
energy bursts through me and suddenly I know without a shadow of
a doubt what the feeling is I’ve been looking for.
 “I love you, Dominick.” The words spill from my lips as though I’d
been fighting an urge to hold them captive.
He looks toward me and runs the back of his hand along the side
of my face and down over my throat before gripping the back of my
neck again. His touch is strong and steady, his warm breath like a
soothing calm on the lobe of my ear. “And I love you, Iris. I love you
more than I ever thought I could love anyone.”
And with those words, for once in my life, I’m sure I’m going in
the right direction.
 Epilogue
Diesel
One Year Later

“Open this one first,” Mom says, handing a wrapped gift to Iris
who’s sitting snug in my arms where she belongs.
Iris reaches for the gift and smiles. “This can’t beat last year’s
gift. I’m not sure how you knew I needed a dress for Staff Sergeant
Jones’ wedding last year.”
“Oh, dear. You have to remember, I was the arm candy for many
military weddings too. These boys just get to show up in their
uniforms and look amazing. We can’t be completely outdone by
them. But this year’s gift, trust me, is even better.”
Iris peels back the red and green paper with anticipation,
cracking open the box to peek before she shows the rest of us.
“How did you know?”
Mom smiles and shrugs. “Go on, show everyone.”
 I don’t usually get this amped over a gift, but eagerness is killing
me. “Come on, open it.”
Iris sets the box back onto her lap and looks toward me. “You
know, I’ve never been happier. I mean, the wedding six months ago,
and your new job at the police station. You’ve done so much.” She
grins wide as though she’s teasing me with the contents of the box.
My eyes widen playfully. “Not as much as you. You’ve loved me,
finished nursing school, and helped fix that old farmhouse. It has
been a lot. Now, enough stalling, show me what’s in the box.”
She smiles and reaches her hand inside, pulling out a white
onesie with a yeti on the front.
My brows narrow as I look toward her, then my mother who
seems to be in on some sort of secret I’m not part of. Is this for a
dog? Did she get a puppy? I glance toward Dad and Tim, who both
seem to have caught on right away. They’re wearing large smiles
and they’re staring back at me as though I’m the last one to get the
memo.
Iris hands me the onesie and smiles. “What do you think, Daddy?
Are you ready for our next adventure?”
All at once a thousand bolts of lightning hit me. “You’re pregnant.
We’re having a baby!”
She smiles and leans into my chest. “I just found out yesterday. I
asked your mom to help me. I thought it would be fun to surprise
you.”
“We’re having a baby.” Shock runs through me before excitement
settles behind it. I look toward Iris with more love than I ever
thought I was capable of giving. “You’re perfect, you know that?”
She smiles and nuzzles into me, our lips meeting in a soft
sweep that spikes my heart and causes a full body flush that tingles
the tips of my ears.
“Brother in the room,” Tim says. “You two need to save that
for the bedroom.” It’s nice he’s been able to spend time with us
since he came home, and it’s even better that he’s been so
welcoming of our relationship.
“Let them be,” my mother says, setting another gift on my
lap. “They’re in love. We need to get you set up with someone next.”
 Tim laughs. “I’m not looking for anything. I can barely figure
my own shit out.”
“We’ll see about that,” Mom says, tossing him a gift of his
own.
Tim rolls his eyes. “Mrs. Bower, please tell me this isn’t a
subscription to that dating website you keep talking about. It’s not
for me.”
Mom grins and dunks a sugar cookie in her coffee as Dad
watches everything unfold.
Every year won’t be like this. I’m sure we’ll spend some
holidays in Florida with Iris’ family and we’ll spend some in our own
little farmhouse down the road. But I know one thing for sure, this
girl sitting next to me is my destiny and I’m never going to let her
down.
Another random document with
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minne tahansa. Koillisesta wain näkyy korkean salmensolan kautta
wähä wäljempää, nimittäin wuonon selkää. Päästessämme perille oli
kello jo 6 aamulla ja siinä luulossa, että nyt kaikki maamatkat oliwat
lopussa ja me niinkuin entisetkin murmannilaiselle rannikolle
matkustawaiset pääsimme meritse eteenpäin kulkemaan,
rupesimme mielihywällä lewolle kestikiewarin jotenkin siistissä
huoneessa. Lie unet maistuneet lappalaiselle kantomiehellemmekin,
sillä oman sanansa mukaan ei hän ollut nukkunut sitte sunnuntai-
aamun ja nyt oli jo keskiwiikko-aamu.

Heti puolisten jälkeen kokoontuimat seudun suomalaiset

huoneesemme, jossa pidettiin tawalliset papilliset toimitukset; niistä
ynnä jokaisen paikan wäkiluwusta antawat loppuun liitetyt luettelot
tarkemman selwän. Suomalaiset oliwat haudanneet kuolleensa
wanhan kirkon saarelle, jonne piti hieruan (laskuweden) aikana
kahlata wirran poikki. Hautoja lukiessa ja ihmisjoukon seistessä
karttui sinne niin suuri sääskien paljous, että se oli tosi-waiwaksi
paikalla asujillekin, mitä sitte tottumattomalle wasta tulleelle. Mutta
niin hupainen kuin tämä päiwä oli, kun sain ruweta wartonaiseen
toimeeni, jota warten olen tullut näille pohjan perille, niin ikäwä oli
seuraawa päiwä, sillä wenäläinen kyyditsijä Kuolassa, ruunun
palkkaama, kieltäytyi antamasta wenekyytiä. Tästä kuletaan nimittäin
suurilla weneillä 8 peninkulmaa meritse Jeretiikaan, joka on kauppa-
paikka saarella Uuramuonon suussa, ja siitä 2 peninkulmaa Uuran
kylään. Pitkällisten keskusteluin perästä suostui wiimein wenäläinen
antamaan meille oppaan maitse; ja meidän piti antautua tuolle
tiettömälle kolkolle 6 peninkulman taipaleelle jalkaisin waeltamaan.
Iloisia muistia mulla siis ei ole Kuolasta. Kestikiewarissakaan ei
saanut mitään ruokaa. Ensin täytyi kupetsasta käydä aineet
ostamassa ja sitte rupesi emäntä toki keittämään; ja niin saatiin
kuitenkin kunnon ryynipuuro. Maitoa saa Kuolassa myös. Lehmiä on
noin 30—40, ja niin suuria ja pitkäkoipisia lehmiä en ole koskaan
nähnyt. Kentällä ja kosken partailla näkyi olewan kyllä ruohoa, 1
hewonen kuului kaupungissa myös olewan. Katsellessamme karjaa
rannalla huomasimme siellä pikku mökkiä eli niinkuin ensin luulimme
huwihuoneita, mutta kun kurkistimme akkunasta sisään näimme
niiden olewan kappelia, joissa oli jumalankuwia nurkissa.
Semmoisiksi huoneiksi oliwat ne meistä kowin kehnoja; mutta
maassa maan tawalla.

2 suomalaista lähti meille kantomiehilsi Uuraan. Alkutaimal

kulettiin pienellä meneellä. Joku peninkulma kaupungista supistuu
wuono salmeksi, jonka länsipuoli on korkea kallioseinä. Sen ra'oissa
ja ulkonewilla pankoilla pesii ja asuu suuret joukot kaikenlaisia
wesilintuja, kalalokkia, tiiroja y.m., joista erittäinkin ensinmainitut
owat toisenlaisia kuin sisämaissa. Myötäänsä kantoiwat emät
pitkissä jonoissa kaloja korkeihin pesiinsä, ja pojat rääkyiwät, niin
että kalliot soiwat. Mutta tiirat oliwat oppineet kummallisiksi loisiksi;
tähystiwät milloin wesilintu toi kalaa pesäänsä, ja heti kuin emä oli
lähtenyt toista hakemaan, lensiwät he lähelle poikain päälle rääkyen,
ja kun nämä ojensiwat kaulansa ja suu auki nostiwat päänsä pystyyn
luullen emän tulewan, tekiwät nuo ilkiwaltaiset tiirat mestarillisen
pyöräyksen alaspäin, sieppasiwat kalan poikain edestä suuhunsa ja
puikahtiwat waiti pois. Linnuilla on meressä ruokaa ja asunto
rauhallinen näissä ihmisistä köyhissä maissa; sentähden ne
wiljehtiwät niin hywästi ja enenewät mahdottoman suuriin määriin.
Kuuluwat Kuolalaiset joskus koetelleen päästä lintujen pesille. Eras
wenäläinen nuorukainen oli wuoren päältä laskeunut nuoraa myöten
kallioseinän siwulle munia kootakseen pesistä, waan nuora oli kallion
teräwiä särmiä wastaan hankautunut niin etta oli katkennut, poika
parka pudonnut alas kuolijaaksi. Sitten ei sanota koetellun enää
häiritä lintukarjoja tällä paikalla. Mutta waikka kyllä on paljo lintuja
tassa, niin että se kyllä kummaksi käy sille, joka on nähnyt
ainoastaan Suomen lintuparwet, ei se kumminkaan ollut
sinnepäinkään, mitä nähtiin aawan meren rannalla.

Kuolan wuonon kummallakin rannalla oli lapinkotia, 2 länsi- ja 1

itärannalla meidän näkemiämme; ne oliwat suuren turpeen kaltaisia,
ja kyyristyen täytyy niihin sisään mennä. Purjehdittuamme lähes pari
peninkulmaa pantiin maalle erään nykyisin aution, pienen, hirsistä
tehdyn mökin luona, ja siitä oli alettawa tuo wähintäänkin 4
peninkulmaa pitkä maataiwal. Mökin luona laittauttiin reilaan. Se oli
merkillisellä paikalla, sillä ympärillä oli puita. Lahdelman pohjoisranta
oli korkea ja siten suojeltu pohjatuulilta; lisäksi oli se multamaata ja
sillä kaswoi tawallisen pitkiä koiwuja, jotka oliwat kewät-
wihannossaan; jopa pistihen koiwikosta ujosti esiin tuomikin; se oli
wasta puhkaissut kukkansa auki ja lewitti suloista tuoksuansa pitkin
tyyniperää rantaa. Sisempänä lahdenperässä oli toisiakin ja tekiwät
samaa wirkaa. Nähtiinpä pihlajiakin; ne oliwat nupussa ja odottiwat
lämpimän lisää. Tuota katsellessaan luuli olewansa kewään alussa;
ja pohjoislapin kewät olikin nyt kohta paraillaan; mutta meille se oli jo
kolmas: ensimäinen Kuopiossa, toinen Kuusamossa, kolmas
Kuolassa; kotoa lähtiessämme oli kewät jo ohitse, ja tuomen ja
pihlajan kukinta loppunut; mutta aiwan alku-tuoreudessaan kohtasi
meitä kewät taas Kuusamon wuoriseuduilla, ja ihmeeksemme
saimme ihailla wielä kerran kewäimen suloutta täällä kylmyyden
kotipaikoilla. Mutta tähän täytyikin meidän jättää kewäimen yksin
suloinensa iloa pitämään; tästä ylöspäin, siellä on maita, jossa ei
kewään, ei kesän kauneutta näy. Jyrkän rannan-törmän päältä alkaa
2 tahi 3 wirstan wastamaa wetistä rämettä, jossa siellä, täällä puroja
myöten wesi laskee wuorilta mereen, mutta enimmittäin waluu se
sammalikon läpi joka paikasta, ja ainoastaan näkywien kallion
kylkien kohdalla se juoksee pikku koskina. Tämmöistä maata
noustessaan wuorille tietää olewansa työssä; waiwannäköä ei
Lapissa wältä kukaan; pitää kaiken woimansa perästä polkaista
rahkasammaleesen kuoppa siksi kuin kowa wastaa kantapäätä; siitä
tun wetää jalkansa ylös, on selwittelemistä, ettei takerru
waiwaiskoiwu-warpuihin, jotka owat tiheät kuin pajupehkot puroin
warsilla; ja taas, kun on pujotellut saappaansa läpi warwikon, pitää
työntää jalkansa lähes polwiin asti sammaleesen, ennenkuin
kykenee toista nostamaan. Wähän wäliä istuu mielellään mättäälle
lewähtämän, ja ikäwällä katsoo wuoren kukkulalle, jossa on kowempi
maa astua; ainoastaan lyhyttä peuran jäkälää on someroisen maan-
kamaran päällä; sanotaan »mäen welkansa maksawan;» luulossa
että saa ruweta myötämäkiä laskemaan, astutaan mäen päälle;
mutta se toiwo peräti petti; heti takana ensimäisen on toinen kahta
korkeampi wuori, jolle taas kiipeämään. Ne notkelmat, jotta wuoren
korkeilta syrjiltä juoksewat alas sywiin laaksoihin, oliwat lunta täynnä;
ja kun saapas liukahteli luisulla hangella, hirwitti katsoa alas, sillä
sywyyden hämärään pohjaan olisi ollut kamala wauhti laskea mäkeä.
Lumijuowain wälillä on sulaa kalliota ja karkeata someromaata
wuorotellen; sitä on hywä astua, kun saa pikkuisen matkan päässä
lewähtää. Mereen päin wiettäwällä puolella ei olekaan niin paljo
sääskiä, kuin sisämaassa, jonkatähden saa rauhassa lewähtää, ja
se ei ole wähä etu. Päästiin wuorelle. Sen kukkulalla käwi
läpitunkewa wiima jäämereltä, joka liiaksikin ankarasti kuiwasi hien
ruumiilta. Mutta helposti lensiwät tuuliaispäät tunturien päällitse;
raittiit ne oliwat, ja helppo oli hengittää. Wälistä puski tuuli niin että
piti ottaa lakkinsa käteen, sillä waikea olisi käydä noutamassa, jos
wihuri keweän kesälakin siirtäisi toiselle tunturille. Waikka täältä
kylmyydestä pois päästäkseen mielellään kiirehtii eteenpäin, pitää
kumminkin siksi kestää seistä, että saa katsotuksi tämän kolkon
ilman alan autiot seudut. Niinkauas kuin silmä kantaa, on mäkiä
mäkien wieressä tällä tunturi-ylängöllä, kaikki kaljuja, ei puuta, ei
pensasta, ei edes pieniä kaswin warsiakaan ole; niin puhtaaksi on
pohjostuuli porottanut nämä maat. Kaikille ilman suunnille on
pelkkää autioutta, ääretöntä paljasta ja karkeata wuoristoa, jossa ei
elämän merkkiä näy. Tämän ympäristön keskellä ymmärtää, kuinka
totta sanoo, kun Kalewala puhuu »Lapin raukoista rajoista.» Kuolan
wuono oli jo jäänyt niin kallioiden lomaan, ettei sitä näkynyt, mutta
sisäjärwiä näkyi useita, suuriakin ja saarisia, mutta lintua ei nähty
koko matkalla yht'ainoata, ei wesilintua eikä kalalokkia; josta woi
arwata, etta järwet owat jolo kalattomia taikka luultawammasti hywin
wähä-kalaisia. Ennenkuin tästä lähdetään tunturia alas laskeumaan,
kysytään oppaalta: »minnepäin ruwetaan nyt painamaan.» Hän
tirkistelee kipeillä silmillään ja osoittaa erästä kaukana siintäwää
wuoren yppylää: »tuolla on puoliwäli.» »Puoliwälikö!» urahtaa yksi ja
toinen meistä yksiwakaisella äänellä; mutta wenäläinen nyökyttää
päätään ja sanoo: da, da. Me silloin huomasimme ettemme olleet
wäärin ymmärtäneet; ja meidän täytyi antaa puoliwälin olla niin
kaukana, kun sitä ei woitu siirtää lähemmäksi. Alaspäin oli huokea
astua, siksi kun tultiin taas rämeille; niillä kaswoi pikku mäntyjäkin
eteläpuolella mäkien rinteitä; mutta kitulijaita ja surkeita ne oliwat.
Rämeiden poikki päästyään, saa taas waaroja nousta ja waaroja
laskea. Somimmat paikat oliwat pienet mäkiharjanteet järwien
wälillä. Eräässä kohden oli wasemmalla puolen olewan järwen pinta
melkeen harjun tasalla, mutta oikeanpuolimainen järwi oli sywän ja
jyrkän mäen alla laakson pohjassa wuorien wälissä, eikä
minkäänlaista yhteyttä ollut näiden järwien wälillä, waikka harja oli
jotenkin kaitanen. Toisien järrwien siwu kun mentiin, täytyi kiweltä
kiwelle hyppimällä kulkea yli kuohuwien koskien, mutta ne eiwät
muodostaneet mitään jokia, maan ryntäsiwät järwestä järween mistä
kallion kolosta milloinkin, niinkuin täydestä maljasta wesi läikähtää yli
laidan mistä kohti sattuu. Ajattelin, ettei suinkaan sinä ilmoisna ikänä
ihmisjalka ole näitä maita kahlannut; ja niinpä taisi ollakin, sillä
oppaamme rupesi meitä kierrättelemään niin kummallisia teitä järwiä
pitkin ja soita poikki aina wain sinne, missä korkeinta mäen kukkulaa
oli. Minä jo luulin että hän tekee meille harmia siitä kun minä suota
rämpiessäni heitin takkini hänen taakkansa päälle, josta hän tuntui
kowasti suuttuwan ja äisteli mulle jotakin, jota en ymmärtänyt. Minä
kun en muuta osannut, sanoin: harasho, ja heittäysin pitkälleni
lewähtämään; mutta siitäkös tulistui wenäjän mies, tuppasi takkini
takkansa koloihin ja sytöi sillä wauhdilla, että olisin tawallisissa
oloissa surkutellut takki-riepuani, mutta nyt mielelläni siitä erosin, tuli
mihin tuli; se olikin painanut kauan hartioitani kuin raskaskin kuorma;
siihen äreään puheesen, jota mies takkaansa laitellessaan piti, en
walitettawasti saattanut mitään lauhduketta antaa; ja kun en muuta
osannut, sanoin mättäältä jolla selälläni makasin: harasho; silloin ei
takka paljo painanut, kun mies wiskasi sen selkäänsä ja pahaa
porinata pitäen lähti astua wiuhkaisemaan, että »töppöset löyhki»,
niinkuin sanotaan; kantajammekin nostiwat päätään: »joko se lähti».
Ei muu auttanut, kuin kesken lewähdyksen ylös ja polkea perästä.
Miehet selittiwät että wenäjän mies sitä nurkui, että hänelle pannaan
kantamista, waikk'ei hän muuta kuin opastamista warten ollut
isäntänsä käskystä tänne lähtenyt. Me käskimme miesten tulkita,
että hän saa kantamisestaan meiltä maksun, ja rauha oli jälleen
rakennettu. Kumminkin näytti hänen käytöksensä perästäpäin
oudolta; ja meillä käwi jo salaisesti ne ajatukset, että oppaamme
kenties karkaa kotiinsa tältä waiwaloiselta taipaleelta. Kantajamme
pitiwät toisia epäluuloja oppaastamme, ja kun hän yhdellä mäellä
kysyi: »näkeekö kukaan täällä jossakin pienempää kiweä
suuremman päälle nostettuna», niin wirkkoiwat hekin, että he jo
ammoisen aikaa owat katsastaneet, että taitaa opas joutaa pois
wiralta. Erottiin jokainen eri suunnille etsimään kiweä kiwen päältä.
Jonkun ajan perästä löytyikin semmoinen tien mutta, ja nyt opaskin
sanoi tuntewansa seudun, ja korjasi äsköisen osoituksensa
puoliwälin tunturista; oikea tunturi, meidän kulettawa, olikin
wasemmalle kädelle siitä, mikä ensin oikeaksi luultiin; mutta yhtä
kaukana se oli sekin. »Onko tuo nyt oikea tunturi», »da, da» wastaa
wenäläinen; »sitte kaikki pahat tuulet pois, ja marssitaan eteenpäin».
Oppaan silmät wettä keitti, kun tähysteli noita kiwiä kiwien päältä;
mutta katosi meiltäkin kaikki pahat epäluulot, niin uuras tien urkkija
oli hän. Ja kun näimme ne kengän hieromat, mitkä oliwat
jaloissansa, ja ne waate-repaleet, joilla koki kipeitään peitellä, niin
käwi mies-parka meille sääliksi.

Kuta etemmäksi päästiin, sitä hitaammaksi käwi matkanteko;

noustessamme puoliwälitunturin päälle, ei tahtonut wasen jalka
jaksaa oikean rinnalle, eikä oikea edelle wasemmasta. Tunturin
päällä suuren kiwen takana otettiin pitkä lepo; se olikin
tositarpeesen. Näköala tällekin tunturille on kolkkoa; laaksoin
pohjissa olewia puita ei näy. Göthe, Saksan runoilija, kuuluu
sanoneen Neapelin näköalasta: »joka on nähnyt Neapelin, ei woi
tulla onnettomaksi». Yhtä hywästi saattaisi sanoa: »joka on nähnyt
Lapin raukkoja rajoja, ei woi tulla onnelliseksi;» niin kolkon ja kylmän
kuwan ne jättäwät katsojan mieleen. Mutta kun me ajattelemme
seudun kolkkoutta, näkyy ihmispäitä wilkkuwan wieressä olewan
tunturin harjun takaa; ne hääliwät edes ta'as; pilkistäwät kiwen takaa
ja katoawat. Me jo rupesimme lukemaan, kuiuka monta meitä on; »6
miestä!» ei Lapissa sen suurempaa sotajoukkoa tarwitse — ja me
makaisimme tyynesti. Ei kaukaakaan, kun jo wetäypi 3
kolttalappalaista meidän tunturillemme, awopäin ja säikähtyneenä.
He oliwat lähisen tunturin huipulta katsoneet kauan, mitä liikettä se
oli, kun me kiwen takana makailimme ja kääntelimme ruumistamme,
ja tulleet siihen päätökseen että me olimme karhuja. Laukkunsa,
lakkinsa ja muut kapineensa heittiwät tunturille ja tuliwat nyt
tarkemmin asiaa tutkimaan meidän luoksemme. Huomattuansa
meidät matkamiehiksi tuliwat tietä kysymään. Kolttalaiset eiwät
nimittäin olleet ennen käyneet tätä tietä, tiesiwät wain missäpäin
Kuola on, ja oliwat lähteneet sitä suuntaa tunturien yli waeltamaan;
oikeassa oliwatkin, mutta siinä erehtyiwät, kun luuliwat Kuolan
olewan sen tunturin alla, jolla me lewähdimme, ja kun me ilmoitimme
heille, että he owat wasta puoliwälissä Kuolan wuonon lahteen, josta
wielä saawat kierrellä wuonon rantoja pari peninkulmaa, ennenkuin
saapuwat kaupunkiin, niin suurilla silmillä katsoiwat pitkään toinen
toiseensa; lähtiwät sitte noutamaan rippujaan ja pitkittiwät
matkaansa. Sanoiwatko nuo totta, wai oliwat roswoamis-matkoilla,
niinkuin yleisesti kolttalaisilla tapana on, sitä emme tienneet, mutta
meidän kantomiehemme wakuuttiwat, että semmoinen kolttalainen
on; kunhan saa wähänkään suunnan tietää jonnekin, niin kyllä hän
osaa sinne, tunturit owat hälle tuttuja, ei hän niille eksy.
Kolttalappalaiset, eräs lappalaissuku, jotka owat kaikki
wenäläiskreikkalaista uskoa ja suurempikaswuisia, kuin tawalliset
lappalaiset, owat ylönkatsotut joka paikassa; luulenma juuri
epärehellisyytensä wuoksi. Meidän lewähdyspaikastamme
lounaasen päin joku matka on tawallinen koiwumetsä, jossa on
peuransyöttöpaikka talwella; se on ainoa metsikkö tällä tunturi
taipaleella (lukuunottamatta Uuran wuonon koiwikkoa) ja on
puoliwälissä, kun suoraa tietä talwella ajetaan Uurasta Kuolaan, 6
peninkulmaa. Wirkistyneinä lähdettiin eteenpäin. Matka oli
samanlaista alinomaista nousemista ja laskeumista. Sen uuden
löydön teimme kuitenkin, että waaroilla kaswoi pieni kukka; nimeä en
tiedä; se wiwahti paljo neilika-lajiin. Nähtiin tunturi-metsäkanojakin,
jotka juosten, lentäen pyöriwät edessämme ja surkealla äänellään
walittiwat olemistaan, mutta laaksoihin eiwät lähteneet, palasiwat
korkeille tuntureilleen; siellä oli heillä kumminkin hywä olla.
Wastahakoisesti ja pelkotunteilla mekin tällä matkan loppupuoliskolla
lähestyimme laaksoin pohjia; kyllä meillä jo oli ollut tekemistä noiden
pohjoisimpain maitten kiusantekijöiden kanssa, mutta nyt wasta
meille pula tuli. Sitä sääskien paljoutta, mitä oli tyynissä laaksoissa,
on mahdoton toiselle selittää tahi uskottawaksi saattaa. Meillä oli
niistä tosi waiwa. Ilma oli niin kuuma, ettei käwellessään jaksanut
minkäänlaista liina-bashlik'ia taikka harsowaatetta pitää kaswoillaan,
ja tunkeutuiwat ne niidenkin läpi jos jostakin reiästä. Kun sääskiä on
niin paljo ja syötäwiä ihmisiä niin erittäin wähä, niin ehdättäwät
edelliset toinen toisensa kilwan ihmisraukkain niskaan, eiwätkä huoli
huiskuttamisesta ja pieksämisestä mitään, waan töytääwät suoraan
ihoon ja pistäwät samassa nahan läpi. Näin parhaaksi koetella
suojella ainoastaan kaswojani ja heittää niska ja kädet aiwan alttiiksi.
Tuskalla saattoi pelastaa silmänsä, sieramensa ja korwansa tukkoon
joutumasta; myötäänsä piti pyhkiå nenäliinalla sitä syöpäläisten
siiwoa silmiltään pois; kuolleita oli kuin tahasta ja yhä utakammasti
toista tuli; missä wain wähänkään lehtimetsää ja lätäkköpaikkaa oli,
sieltä niitä sawupilwinä pemahti wastaan. Pysäyspaikoissa sai
parhaiten rauhassa olla, jos päälllyspaidan eli liinapaidan weti
korwiensa yli ja rupesi pitkälleen kaswot mätästä wasten. Muuten on
näissä taisteluissa syöpäläisiä wastaan paras neuwo ajatella: wähät
muusta, kunhan hengissä pysyy. Sittekuin oli kylään tultu, sanoiwat
Uuralaiset, ettei tänä kesänä paljo sääskiä ollut, waan kun on ollut
pitkälliset tyyneet, silloin niitä paljo on; notkopaikoissa ei silloin saata
kukaan olla. Siihen me emme osanneet mitään wirkkaa.

Keskiyön aikoihin noustiin wuoriseudun wiimeiselle korkealle

tunturille, jolle näkyy aawa meri niemineen, saarineen. Oli kuinka
myrskyinen ja julma tahansa, etäälle se wain näyttää tyyneltä ja
miellyttäwältä, kun päiwä takaa paistaa. Sentähden oli meistäkin,
niinkuin jo olisi oltu muun maailman yhteydessä erillään erämaan
kolkkoudesta, kun meri nähtiin. Kuta lähemmä matkan päätä
päästiin, sitä enemmin oli lehtipuuta ja joitakuita wirstoja wuonon
perästä on tawallista pientä koiwikkoa, josta jo alkoi polku wetää
taloihin. Keweniwät jalat, kun pääsiwät polun päälle, eikä kenenkään
mieli tehnyt lewähtämään; uteliaalla toimeliaisuudella hiipi toinen
toisestaan siwu, ja rantamäen koiwikosta astuttiin ulos; silloin
näkiwät silmämme ensi kerran suomalaisen uutisasutuksen
jäämeren rannalla. Montakertaa olin kotonani ajatellut,
minkähänlaiset kansalaistemme asumasiat mahtanewat olla noilla
kaukaisilla perukoilla; waeltaissamme kauwan wallan wieraista
omista olipa jo muistissamme melkeen solahtanut tuonnemmaksi,
minkälainen suomalaisen talo onkaan; ja ainakin arwellen
suomalaisten ihan eri lailla asuwan täällä korkeassa pohjaisessa
kuin kotonaan, kiinnitin silmäni heidän taloihinsa, jotka waloisan
aamuyön tyyneydessä pitiwät hiljaista yölepoansa meidän
edessämme; mikä sywästi ilahuttawa näky oli toki tuo, kun
huomasimme talossa 2 pientä tupaa wastakkaa ja wälillä porstuan,
johon on kartanolta owi portaineen, kartanon toisella puolella pienen
nawetan ja kodan, huomasimme huoneiden ympärillä semmoisen
siisteyden ja puhtauden, joka meidän matkamme warrella oli jäänyt
Suomeen, näimme pystöaidan, joku ympäröi pihan ja pienen
nurminiityn; kun wielä tiesimme nyt astuwamme kansalaistemme
katon alle, jossa tarjotaan kättä, puhetta ja ruokaa semmoista kuin
syntymämaalla, niin woi jokainen arwata miten lämpimillä tunteilla
me nousimme

Saaniwuonon
 Juhana Petter Lyhytniemen owea kolkuttamaan. Wanhat owat
aina warullaan; heti heräsikin isännän äiti ja tuli kysymään tulijoista;
mutta kun kuuli, kuinka kaukaa tällä kerralla oliwat wieraat, meni hän
emäntätä herättämään; ja yhtäkkiä olikin tupa järjestyksessä; ja me
heti sisään, kun lukko aukeni. Isännät owat kaikki tähän aikaan
kesässä kalassa. Me tiesimme, että tässä talossa ei tarwitse itse
tehdä wuodettaan, niinkuin matkalla tähän asti, ja sanoimme: »älkää
nyt, emäntä, ruwetko muuhun puuhaan, waan laittakaa meille
wuode, että pääsemme lewolle». »Kahwi on heti walmista», arweli
emäntä ja kiirehti toiseen tupaan, mutta meistä ei kukaan
yrittänytkään emäntää kieltämään, sitä juomaa ei oltu nähtykään
sittekuin Kuusamossa, ja jos yksi ja toinenkin, niin taisi joku
maisterimies meistä olla erittäinkin kahwin rakastajia miehiä. Hywällä
mielellähän me joimme kahwit. Sitte kerrottiin emännälle äsköinen
kehoitus, wäsymys oli näet käskijä; »tee-wesi on heti walmista;»
silloin ei katsottukaan toisiimme niin hymysuin, kuin äsken; mutta
emännän hywä tahto loisti hänen silmistänsä, ja mielelläänhän tekee
toiselle mieliksi, kun niin wähällä woipi. Tuskin oli teet saatu loppuun,
kun emäntä kantaa pöytään tuoreita loistawia wiilipyttyjä ja kowaa
keltaista woita, walmistaa ruokapöydän, niin kunnollisen, ettei
semmoista oltu nähty sittekuin Kuusamossa; eikä yksikään meistä
yrittänytkään kieltämään; käski nälkä pöytään, waikka wäsymys
wuoteesen; mutta tuon ruuan ääressä olikin ruokahalu semmoinen,
ettei mokomaa — sittekuin Kuusamossa. Ja kun emäntäkin wähä
asettui liehumasti, että saatiin ruweta haastelemaan, kuultiin että
hänkin oli Kuusamosta, ja hänen miehensä ja anoppinsa ja
lapsensa, kaikki, kaikki oliwat Kuusamosta, ja kuinka tänne oliwat
Kuusamosta tulleet, siitä olisimme tarkastikin saaneet kuulla, jos
olisimme jaksaneet, mutta kun emme jaksaneet, täytyi se jäädä
wastaiseksi; mutta heti kun se oli lykätty wastaiseksi, ummistui
meidän silmämme ja ainoastaan muutamia silmänräpäyksiä liikkui
wielä lämpimät kiitollisuuden tunteet Kuusamolaisten
ystäwällisyydestä wäsyneessä mielessämme, ja sitte waiwuimme
semmoiseen makiaan uneen, ettei mokomaa — — sittekuin
Kuusamossa.

Jo edeltä puolenpäiwää kello 10 aikana herätettiin meidät sillä

ilmiannolla, että jos mieli tänä pänä Uuraan, niin oli nyt hieruan
aikana mentäwä, ennenkuin ulli-wesi (nousuwesi) peittää wuonon
perän leweät lietteet. Meren rannalla woi näit jo ennakolta tietää,
milloin wesi on wähimmillään. Se nousee 6 1/2 tuntia ja laskee 6 1/2
tuntia; jos hieruan aika tänään on 9 aikana e.p.p., niin se on
huomenna kl. 10 ja ylihuomenna kl. 11, j.n.e. aina 1 tuntia
myöhemmin. Sentähden piti meidän tuo pikku 3 wirstaa matka tehdä
ennen puoltapäiwää, ellemme tahtoneet ruweta kiertämään
poluttomia rantatörmiä. Ja pitkiin käwelemisiin ei tehnyt mieli,
sittekuin olimme kulkeneet tuon waikean wiime taipaleen; noin 12
aikana olimme edellisenä päiwänä lähteneet Kuolasta ja kl. 3
aamulla tultiin Saaniwuonoon. Oli merkillistä että tämä 14 päiwä
Heinäkuuta oli juuri se päiwä, jonka seuduissa olin jo kotoa
kirjoittanut tulewani Uuraan, jos terwennä pysyisin. Saaniwuonon
länsirannalla ja joen wasemmalla puolen on Lyhytniemen talo; ne
muut 3 suomalaista ja 1 karjalainen owat wuonon itärannalla. Joki
laskee wuonoon Saanijärwestä, johon pienempi Lastajärwi etelästä
laskee. Uuran wuono on paljoa suurempi kuin Saaniwuono, ja
kummallista on kuinka pian sen hiekkalietteet kuiwawat heti weden
laskun perästä, niin että niitä saattaa kuiwin jaloin käwellä; tuskin
jalkopohjakaan kastuu. Kuiwanakin ollessa asuu hiekkapohjassa
eräs pikku, wikkelä kala, Pisanki, teräwä kuin äimä; ja aiwan kuin
mato kaiwaa se tien itselleen mullassa. Lietteet kuwastawat
walkeammilta luin owatkaan noita tummia ja korkeita kallioseiniä
wastaan, jotka owat wuonon ympärillä.

Uuran

kylästä oli samaten kaikki mieswäki kalassa, mutta heti tultuamme

lähti pari henkeä pienellä weneellä wiemään merelle sanaa
tulostamme. Minulle oli jo tilattu walmiiksi kortteeri eräässä talossa
Uura-joen suussa. Kaikki kylän talot, joista suurin osa on hirsistä
rakennettu, ainoastaan muutamat turpeista, owat asetetut joen
wasemmalle puolen pitkin rantaa, kenties 3 wirstan matkalle joen
suusta ylöspäin; yksi lappalainen talo, Wilkis-oiwi, on oikealla puolen
jokea joensuussa ja toinen suomalainen talo, joka on ylinnä joen
warrella, on samaten oikealla rannalla. Joessa on koskia ja siitä
saadaan muutamia lohi-lajia; tawataanpa wälistä made ja haukikin
joen suussa; muuten on niissä järwissä, joista Uurajoki laskee,
niinkuin muissakin pohjoislapin järwissä ahwen, hauki ja muutamia
lohikaloja. Uurajärwessä ei kuulu tawatun särkeä, eikä siikaa; waikka
ne löytywät Tuuloman järwissä. Löytyy rääpyskin Imanterossa ja sen
pohjoispuolella olewissa järwissä. Näistä maajärwien kaloista eiwät
suomalaiset, niinkuin muutkin rannan asukkaat, paljo hyödy.
Pyytäwät joskus loma-aikana, kun merikalastus joudattaa, ja
laittawat lapsensa ja waimonpuolensa pyytämään, että saisiwat
wälistä maistaa sitä kalaa johon owat Suomessa tottuneet, sillä
kaikella merenkalalla on omituinen ihwinen maku, joka warsinkin
wastatulleen suuhun maistuu hywin oudolta. Merikalastusta warten
oiwat Suomalaiset tänne tulleet ja siitä he eläwät. Sitä ruwetaan
Maarian päiwältä kewäällä ja pitkitetään Juhannukseen, jolloin
tullaan kotiin joksikuksi wiikoksi tahi pariksi; sitte taas mennään
merelle ja wiiwytään Elokuun alkupuolelle ja keskipaikoille, jolloin woi
kalastuksen pitää jo loppuneena, waikka yksi ja toinen pitkittää yhä
edelleen, sillä merestä saattaa kalastaa milloin tahansa, kunhan ei
erinomaista saalista aina halua. Kala, joka on kaikkein paras
pyydettewä, on turska, jonka pyytäjät jo merellä heti saannin perästä
myöwät wenäläisille kauppijoille, tahi wiewät norjalaisille
maakauppijaille tällä murmannilaisella rannikolla tahi sitte wiewät
suoraan Wuoreijaan (Wardö'hön,) tahikka Wesisaareen (Wadsö'hön)
kaupan. Turska kuiwataan pitkissä jälleissä eli toisin sanoen orsilla
paljaan taiwaan alla. Turskan hinta on kolmekertaa suurempi kuin
muiden kalain, waikka itse kala tuorenna ei ole niinkään makea kuin
muut kalat. Kun on oikein hywä turskan saanti, niin on tapahtuuut,
etta mies päiwässä ansaitsee 160 kruunua. Mutta toisinaan taas
saawat kalastajat tehdä turhaa työtä päiwittäin, wiikottain. Turska syö
nimittäin pientä lota-kalaa, ja jos lota-parwit eiwät jostakin syystä
ajau rantaan päin, niin turskakin asuu yksi siellä, toinen täällä.
Helposti kalastaja huomaa, milloin lota-parwi lähestyy, sillä sitä
seuraa toisetkin wiholliset kwin turskat, jotka eiwät kalastajan
silmään pistä, nimittäin kajawat, pitäen sitä suurempaa ääntä, kuta
suurempi on heidän ruoka-alansa. Minnepäin kajawat wetäywät,
sinne rientää kalastajakin weneineen. Kalastajain pitää aina olla
wartiolla, wuorotellen toinen toisensa perästä, merkitä lintuin lento-
suuntia, koetella ongellaan eli koukullaan, oli sää mikä tahansa, tahi
aika mikä tahansa. Jos kaloja ei kuulu missään, makaawat muut
kajuutassa, yksi on main kokeilla. Ohilullewiltakin kysytään
missäpäin kaloja olisi nähty enemmältä; ja sitä myöten mennään
wälistä Ruijan rannalle, toisen kerran Kalasaarennon (niinkuin
kartoilla on kirjoitettu) rannikolle, jopa Kiltinäänkin asti Kuolawuonon
itäpuolella. Paitsi tätä alinomaista huolta on kalastajalla
jokapäiwäinen pelko äkkimyrskyn nousemisesta. Liikuttaissansa
koukkuaan weneen laidalla pälyy hän joka suunnalle pitkin meren
pintaa, missä sattuisi hawaitsemaan mustan wäreen käywän
wenettä kohti; silloin kysytään näppäryyttä panna purjeet kokoon,
ankkurit järjestykseen ja peränpitimet reilaan, sillä tuuliaispää ei
odota kauan, kun kerran tulossa on, ennenkuin jo tupruaa weneen
ympärillä ja raiwoon nostaa weden ja ilman; joka wene silloin ei ole
walmis tuulta wastustumaan, se pyörähtää kumoon auttamattomasti.
Tämä ainainen huoli ja epäwakaisuus kaiken puolesta tekee
tunnokkaamman miehen koko elämän sangen lewottomaksi, ja
hänen päänsä harmaaksi ennen aikaa. Muuten on kyllä löyhä työ
miehillä, ja moni arwelikin, selittäessään meille olojaan meren
rannalla: »mitenhän käwisikään, jos pitäisi ruweta maatyötä
tekemään!» Toiselta puolen walittiwat epäterweelliseksi ja ruumista
jähmeyttäwäksi tuota elantojärjestystä, kesällä walwoa päiwät
päästään ja yöt lisäksi, ja talwella maata päiwät päästään ja yöt
lisäksi. Jos pimeän aikana juuri käwisikin laatuun toimittaa jotain
käsityötä, niin eiwät he sitä rupea tekewään; wähä korjailewat
weneitään; ne tahtowat he hywät ja hywät ne näkyiwät melkeen
wähillä poikkeuksilla olewankin; sillä lähteä huonolla weneellä
aawalle merelle, jossa äkkipikaa usein tyynestäkin wihurit nostawat
myrskyn, on sama kuin mennä tapposen tahallaan surman suuhun.
Wahinko wain että useammat suomalaiset sinne lähteneistä owat
warattomia, etteiwät jaksa hankkia itselleen omaa wenettä, mutta jos
werrataan nykyaikaa jo kuluneihin, esim. muuankaan tahi pari
kymmenkunta wuotta taa'päin, niin huomataan suuri edistys.
Muutamilla warakkailla on 2 jopa 3:kin wenettä, ja wähempikin
warainen, joka on jaksanut talon hommata itselleen, pyrkii
pyrkimälläkin hankkimaan lisäksi wenettä, joskohta ei kokonaista
jaksi, niin kumminkin puolet weneestä, ja toinen pienen talon mies
ottaa toiset puolet tehdäkseen. Nämä weneet eiwät näet olekaan sitä
kokoa kuin sisäjärwien soutuweneet, waan suuria, tawallisen lankku-
lotjan kokoisia, joita woisi kutsua jollakin laiwanimityksellä.
Suurimmat weneistä owat kaksimastoisia ja niitä kutsutaan Ruijan
kielellä »lysterbåtiksi»; niitä on harwalla suomalaisella. Useimmalla
on wähä pienempää kokoa wene, joka on yksimastoinen, ja
kutsutaan »fembörding» josta meikäläiset owat ottaneet niitä
kutsuakseen »wämpööriiksi»; se on sopiwin kala-wene merellä.
Wielä on myös monella »otrinki,» joka on pienin merellä kulkewista
weneistä; se on muuten rakennukselleen wämpöörin kaltainen.
Kaikissa näissä on perässä kajuuta, jossa on rautauuni, 2,3
reikäinen, pannuineen, patoineen, ja penkit owat naulatut seiniin
ympäriinsä. Koko talous on matkassa. Weneessä on tawallisesti. 4
miestä, joista yksi on weneen omistaja, kapteeni, ja toiset 3
osamiehiä saaliisen. Kalat jaetaan sopimuksen mukaan, kenties
enimmästi niin että wene saa puolet ja toinen puoli jaetaan tasan 4
miehelle. Jako tietysti on toisellainen, jos jollakin on osa weneessä,
tahi jos joku on toisen työssä, tahi pidetään huonompana
työmiehenä. Kowin huonoja työmiehiä sinne ei toki tulekaan, sillä se
on kaikille tietty asia, että joka näillä mailla ei itse elätä henkeään,
kuolkoon; ei auta täällä asetusten nojalla ruweta suurella suulla
waatiwaan itselleen laillista waiwais-eläkettä; ja jos joku tapaturman
kautta työhön kykenemättömäksi tullut sai hywiltä ihmisiltä köyhän
apua, kyllä se tiesi toisten armosta eläwänsä.

Toinen kala, jota suomalaiset myös pyytäwät, waikka

wähemmässä määrässä kuin turskaa, on saita. Se kala liikkuu
weden pinnalla, kun on pyydettäwissä, ja ui suurissa parwissa. Se
syö nimittäin pientä ewällistä eläwätä, jota kutsuiwat kalaksi,
waikt'eiwitt tienneet nimeä; se pieni eläwä on eräs molluski-laji, joka
nousee weden pinnalle wälistä. Saita-nuotta on nelis-nurkkuinen,
kuin huiwi, noin 15—22 syltä kanttiinsa, joka nurkkaan sidotaan
köysi 40—50 syltä pitkä. Kun huomataan saidan olewan liikkeellä,
wiedään tämä nuotta eteen, lasketaan weden pinnan alle ja
odotetaan siksikuin saitaparwi on uinut päälle, silloin wiskataan kiwiä
parwen keskelle, ja saita on sentapainen etta wähästäkin
melskeestä säikähdyttyänsä, menee pohjaan suoraan kwin kiwi.
Kuin kala weden pinnalta on painunut nuotan päälle, soudetaan
weneet yhteen ja nuotasta tehdään pussi, jonka pohjassa saitaparwi
kiehuu. Muita kaloja ei näin tukussa saada, eikä saata pyytääkään.
Jos Jäämeren kummallisia kaloja tahtoisin mainita, niin ottaisin
esimerkiksi Kunttipillarin (pikku horkkelin), jolla on monisarwinen pää
ja rintaewät leweät kuin siiwet; se on lentokalan näköön; eräs toinen
on tuo ilettäwän ruma Ronkeksi (wilukala), joka on limainen ja
täynnä kuhmuja, niinkuin olisi isossa rokossa.

Pian leweni sana tulostani merellä, ja miehet alkoiwat kokoontua

wähitellen kylään. Tosin en ketään ollut ennen nähnyt, mutta kyllä he
oliwat tutut, jopa toinen toistaan tutummat. Kuulumiset kysyttiin ja
selitettiin, kuuden wuoden kuulumiset. Kuka oli käskenyt sanoa
terweisiä Kuusamosta, kuka Pudasjärweltä, Oulusta, Näseestä; ne
tuliwat kaikki perille, ja kait oliwat yhtä lämpimiä, waikk'ei puoliakaan
nimenomaan muistettu. »Johan se kuuluu kuolleen, Snellmankin,
joka meitä täällä käwi opettamassa.» »Ei, sen nimellistä on monta
Suomessa, ja se Snellman, joka on kuollut, oli senaattori, ja suuri
Suomen kansallisuuden puollustaja, jonka tähden hänen
kuolemansa on kuulunut tänne asti.» »Wai wielä se Snellman elää
joka käwi täällä», wirkkoiwat emännät penkiltä, »entäs se kirktoherr
Thauwon». Oli heillä muistissa pappein wiime käynnit ja heidän
innokkaista kyselemisistänsä olisi outokin ymmärtänyt, että
Murmannin rannikon suomalaisille on se juhlia, kun Suomesta
lähetetään sinne pappi. Siellä on käynyt Iin nykyinen kirkkoherra
Johan Fredrik Thauwon Kuolajärweltä talwella 1870 ja Polangalta
kesillä 1871, 1872, 1873 ja 1874; ja myös Muhoksen nykyinen
kirkkoherra Gustaf Adolf Snellman Pudasjärweltä kesällä 1876,
jonka perästä ei pappia Suomesta ollut siellä käynyt.

Rippikoulussa oli 3 lapinlastakin; ryhdyin oppimaan tuota

lapsellista kieltä, mutta se ei ollutkaan niin helppoa kuin Norjan kieli
ruotsin taitawalle; wanha tulkki Abram Arpela oli kyllä apuna, mutta
ei hänkään osannut lausua noita waikeita kurkku-ääniä niinkuin
lapset; niiltä se sujui luontewusti. Hankaluutta lapinkielessä tekee se,
kun Norjalaiset owat kääntäneet ja painaneet heidän kirjansa, ja
kirjoittaneet kirjaimet oman kielensä mukaan. Jos suomalainen
oppinut olisi kirjoittanut heidän katkismuksensa, niin se olisi
lappalaisellekin helpompi oppia. Mutta jos oli haluakin saada wähä
oppia tätä kieltä esim. Luth. wäh. katkismuksen, niin ei ollut aikaa.
Aamusta iltaan oli asiamiehiä kylästä ja ympärillä olewista taloista ja
kodista. Uuran yöt oliwat sitte niin kauniit, että unonen wasta
myöhään, eli sanoakseni, warhain wasta aamulla tohti astua pikku
kamariimme, joka oli pohjoista kohden ja pikku akkunallaan tarkasti
kokoili yön auringon miedot säteet peräseinälle; ja ainoastaan sen
wähäisen hetken, kun aurinko siwuutti korkean wuoren kukkulan,
joka oli meistä pohjaan päin, oli tuo ystäwällinen päiwän paiste
matalalta peräseinältämme poissa, waan se saapui kohta jälleen ja
toi muassaan muistot kaukaa Sawon salmien rannoilta niistä
nukkujista, joiden lapsuuden wiattomuus lepää heidän kaswoillansa,
niinkuin puhdas, läpipuhdas päiwänpaiste.

Tawallisissa oloissa maataan pitkään aamusella. Jos 7 ja 8 wälillä

lähtee kylään käwelemään, niin ei näe ketään liikkeellä; kaikki on
yöunessaan; wasta 9 aikana ja wähää ennen alkaa wäki nousta.
Miehillä ei ole juuri mitään tekemistäkään kotona; »mutta mitäs
waimonpuolet tekewät kun olette itse kalassa», kysyin eräältä
isännältä; »juowat kahwia ja käywät kylässä», kuului lyhyt wastaus,
ja liki mailleenpa taisi sattuukin; olkoon kumminkin kaukana tässä
ruweta moittimis-lauseita heistä latelemaan; olot tekewät ihmisen
mukaiseksensa; mutta nyt kun suomalaiset owat hankkineet itselleen
lehmiä, lampaita, on emännillä niiden hoitamisessa ja ruuan
kokoamisessa koko työpaikka; joen warsilta kootaan heiniä, talon
ympärille lannoitetaan pikku niitty, jopa pikku pottumaakin, peuran
jäkäliä kankailta nyhdetään ja pannaan suuriin kokoihin, tuodaan
kotiinkin kesällä, turskan päitä kuiwataan, joita keitetään sitte
jäkälien kanssa hywiksi hauteiksi lehmille. Näissä töissä tietysti
miehet auttawat, kun owat kotona, ja erittäinkin syyspuoleen owat he
kyllä kotona. Willoista tehdään päällyswaatteita ja sukkia, muut pito-
waatteet ostetaan. On waimowäellä siis työtä, ja kun lukuun otetaan
se seikka wielä, että meren rannalle on waeltanut enempi
miehenpuolia kuin waimonpuolia, jonka wuoksi siellä on olemassa
puute waimonpuolisista ihmisistä ja moni mies, waikka todellakin
haluaisi ruweta perhe-elämään, näkee kumminkin täytywänsä olla
sitä wailla, ellei lähde Suomesta noutamaan waimoa itselleen, mikä
tietysti tulisi sangen kalliiksi — kun tämä waimowäen harwalukuisuus
tiedetään tosiasiaksi, niin arwaa myös, että heillä on sitä enemmän
työtä kyläpaikoissa, joissa monta tarwitsee heidän apuansa
leipomisessa, ruuan laittamisessa, waatteen korjaamisessa j.n.e.

Uuran ympärillä on petoeläimiäkin, karhuja ja susia. Uuran joen

suusta pari wenäjän wirstaa ylöspäin oli karhu wähää ennen meidän
tuloamme repinyt pahasti yhtä isäntää, joka oli witaksia mennyt
hakemaan. Yksi sormi oli kädessä aiwan poikki ja toisia oli
pureskeltu. Sudet tekewät lampaissa paljo häwiötä. Yhdestä talosta
oliwat niinikään wähää ennen tuloamme tappaneet 7 lammasta.
Ympäristöllä on jäniksiäkin, jotka syöwät heinäsuowat ja jäkäläko'ot
kylän reunalla. Lappalaiset pyytäwät kettuja, ampumalla ja muulla
pyyntikeinolla. Wahinkoa tekemät myös porot, kun laumoissa
laskeuwat sisätuntureilta meren rannalle. Yksin kartanon
ympärilläolewaa heinääkin ja muun kaswin warsia on waikea niiltä
warjella; niitetty heinä pannaan sentähden korkeille pylwäille
kuiwamaan ja säilymään poroilta. Pyydettäwää riistaa owat wielä
tawalliset ja tunturi-metsäkanat. Suomalainen ei aikaansa tuhraa
näiden metsästämiseen; rauhassa hältä sa lappalainen ja
kolttalainen wallita tunturien aawoja ylämaita, niinkuin he
wuosisatoja jo ennen owat tehneet. Kalastukseen on suomalainen
kyllä omiaan, ja kun hän rikkaan meren köyhälle rannalle saapuu,
katsoo hän ensi työkseen ympärilleen, missä wakaan jalansian
keksisi; hän rakentaa mökin itselleen, jos ei muusta, niin maan
turpeista; se on hänen kotinsa, johon hän meren epäwakaisilta
ilmoilta tulee lewon pitoon, niinkuin ennen kotimökkiinsä Suomen
salolla. Sitte on hänelle mieleen yhteis-elämä; yhden mökin wiereen
nousee toinen, ja kolmas; ja niin syntyy kylä. Mutta se on hänelle
wastenmielistä, kun ei ole yhteis-elämälle mitään lakia; kaswaneena
lakien suojelemassa yhteiskunnassa, kaipaa hän sywästi laillista
järjestystä ja sen walwojia; tässä on Murmannin rannikon
Suomalaisten kipein kohta. Sitä walittiwatkin jok'ainoassa kylässä.
Keskinäisille riidoille ei löydy mitään ratkaisijaa; mutta jos tämä puute
olisikin jotakuinkin kärsittäwissä, niin on suurin se, ettei löydy
tuomaria eri kansallisuuksien wälillä, erittäinkin wenäläisten ja
muiden. Wenäjän wirkamiehiä on tosin, mutta ne owat kaukana
Kuolassa, ja eiwät ymmärrä muuta kuin wenäjää. Näistäkin puhuttiin
samaa, mitä ylipäätään wirkamiehistä Wenäjällä, mutta sen puheen
perää en tietysti takaa. En ole mikään yleinen kanteen nostaja;
ainoastaan »relata resero» niinkuin wanhat Romalaiset sanoiwat,
s.o. kerron toisten kertomia.

Pohjois-wenäläiset owat wiime aikoina ruwenneet pitämään näitä

meren rannikoita yksinomaisena alusmaanaan; katsowat sentähden