Unfuck Your Boundaries Workbook

Faith G. Harper
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 unf ck
your
boundaries
workbook
Build Better Relationships through
Consent, Communication, and
Expressing Your Needs

Faith G. Harper
PhD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN
 Unfuck
Your
Boundaries
Workbook
BUILD BETTER RELATIONSHIPS
THROUGH CONSENT, COMMUNICATION,
AND EXPRESSING YOUR NEEDS

Faith G. Harper,
PhD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN
Microcosm Publishing
Portland, OR
UNFUCK YOUR BOUNDARIES WORKBOOK
Build Better Relationships through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your
Needs
Part of the 5 Minute Therapy Series
© Dr. Faith Harper, 2020
This edition © Microcosm Publishing, 2020
First edition, first published March 10, 2020

ISBN 978-1-62106-1762
This is Microcosm #540
Cover and design by Joe Biel
Illustrations by Trista Vercher
Edited by Elly Blue

For a catalog, write or visit:

Microcosm Publishing
2752 N Williams Ave.
Portland, OR 97227
503-799-2698
www.microcosmpublishing.com

These worksheets can be used on their own, or as a companion to Unfuck Your

Boundaries: Using Science For Better Relationships, Sex, and Dating by Dr.
Faith G. Harper.

These worksheets are free to reproduce but no more than two can be reproduced
in a publication without expressed permission from the publisher.

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 Microcosm Publishing is Portland’s most diversified publishing
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 Table of Contents
Introduction 6
PART 1: Get to Know Your Boundaries 10
Personal Boundaries History 12
Boundary Styles 14
Types of Boundaries 16
Gut Check Your Boundaries 20
How Flexible Are Your Boundaries 24
How Others Respect Your Boundaries 25
How Your Respect Others’ Boundaries 26
Recognizing Boundary Violations 27
Values Clarification 32
Map Your Values 36
My Authentic Self 37
Honoring Your Values through Your Boundaries 38
Your Ideal Funeral 39
An Exercise in Voice 40
Personal Bill of Rights 42
It’s Not My Job 43
Red Flags / Green Flags 44
Attachment Styles Map 45
Learning Your Body’s Responses 50
PART 2: Grounding Exercises 52
Grounding Statement 54
Stop! Grounding Time: 5...4...3...2...1 55
A Loving Kindness Boundary Meditation 56
Measuring Your Breath by Your Footsteps 57
Appreciative Inquiry 58
PART 3: Communicate Your Boundaries 60
Communicating with “I Statements” 62
What’s Your Communication Style? 64
Map Your Communication Style 66
BIFF Statements 68
PART 4: Respecting Other’s Boundaries 72
Boundary Respect Self-Assessment 74
Self-Accountability 75
Handling No 84
Apology Template 86
PART 5: Exercises for Groups 90
Group Rules for Community Conversatiosns 92
Talking Circles 94
Personal Space Exercise 96
STFU 97
The Consent Commandments 98
Sample Consent Policy for Groups 102
Dealing With Incidents 104
Sample Incident Policy 106
PART 6: Identifying Abuse 108
Coercive Control Checklist 110
Red Flags Checklist 112
Checklist of Coercive Control Strategies 114
Resources 116
About the Author 126
 INTRODUCTION

B
oundaries and consent.

Shit. OK.

This isn’t easy stuff to work through, if we are doing

it right. (And anyone who tells you this is all easy can
fuck the fuck off. It isn’t. You aren’t a failure if you have struggled
with boundaries. Welcome to the club I like to call “being human.”

The term boundary really just refers to the line (literal or

metaphorical) that marks the limits of a particular area. Boundaries
are the edge territory of what belongs to us and what belongs to
someone else. Our boundaries are the essential building blocks of
our relationships. They are how we operate in the world. They are
our rules of engagement. Our everyday expressions of consent. The
space in which we navigate relationships and community. Really,
that’s it in a nutshell. And yes. That is a simple description. But
simple doesn’t mean easy.

There are tons of things that get in the way of us having a healthy
respect for our own and each others’ boundaries. There’s trauma.
And there’s how we were raised (even if not traumatic per se, how
we bond with our early caregivers can affect other relationships
throughout our lives). And all the toxic, horrible things that are
happening in the world end up influencing

how boundaries are created and respected or disregarded and

demolished. So we need to reflect, practice, and communicate a lot
so we can get better at them.

And since I can’t be everyone’s individual therapist, I created this

workbook. We made it to go with my book Unfuck Your Boundaries.
8
It contains exercises that go with a bunch of the chapters in that
book, plus a bunch more exercises—especially stuff about groups
and consent—that don’t appear in the book. It’s designed to work
just fine on it’s own. I mean I’m totally into the accompanying
boundaries book and I think you might dig it, too But you don’t
need to buy it and read it to use the workbook. Because sneaking
unanticipated expenses into your budget is a dick move. And, dare
I say it, a boundary violation?

So what do we got going on? I’m so glad I decided you asked me that
question, dear reader!

Part One is all about that super important relationship between you
and yourself. Getting you superclear on knowing yourself and your
boundaries. And your needs. And your values. How you treat others
and how you want them to treat you. It has a lot of exercises for
reflecting about your needs, your values, how the people around
you treat you and how you treat them. Actually knowing what we
want and being able to think this stuff through is the most important
part. Because when it comes down to it, the only person you have
control over is your own-damn-self.

Speaking of your own-damn-self, you can do all these exercises on

your own. Or you can do them with an accountability buddy, or
to share with your therapist, or in a group setting. I would suggest
completing them independently before sharing. There is nothing
wrong with reflective feedback, or hearing cool ideas from others
and adding to your own work. But paying attention to what comes
up for you initially is super-important.

Part Two is all grounding exercises. Grounding exercises are

just about managing our own body’s reactions and staying in the

9
 present moment. Which is helpful because, no lie, this shit is hard.
It is also super important to not trudge through all by yourself if you
really need support. Ask for it! A good friend, a therapist...someone
you can check in with and process with if you get super activated.
Maybe (but which I mean “obviously”) I’m biased but I think therapy
is the bomb.

Part Three is all about communication. I mean, knowing your

boundaries super well isn’t a whole lot of use if you can’t communicate
them and negotiate around them with others. This gives you a
chance to practice and work out some of the communication
strategies I discuss in the boundaries book so you are are primed to
do so in the real world, with actual other people.

Part Four is about respecting others’ boundaries. We’ve all fucked

that up at some point, because we’re people. And people tend to be
awfully fallible and imperfect. But we can absolutely do better. Or at
least make new and different and more interesting mistakes instead
of the same ones we’ve made in the past, right?

Part Five is all about groups. When I started teaching workshops on

boundaries and consent it was really difficult to find good resources
for group discussions and group activities, so I’m including the ones
I’ve used over the years that have been the most helpful. Whether
you are doing a group specifically around boundaries and consent
or you just want to include this as a topic within a group that you
are already a part of (your therapy group, recovery group, bible
study group, or anarchist infoshop), there are lots of resources here
to get you started. It also has a lot of information and worksheets for
establishing boundaries and consent within group spaces in general,
and for dealing with incidents where someone in the group has
violated someone else’s boundaries or the group’s agreements. So
10
whether you belong to a BDSM spank club, an avant-garde theatre
group, or your local kombucha co-op (is that a thing?) there are tools
in here that can help your group function as well as possible.

Part Six is about the extreme end of boundary violations—coercive

control. We have to talk about it because it’s the most common form
of abuse in our society, and almost always legal. Oftentimes, people
don’t even realize that this is a form of abuse that they have been
enduring. So we’ve included checklists to determine if someone’s
behavior towards you goes beyond casual thoughtlessness and into
the territory of abuse. There’s also information about staying safe,
including communication tactics, consent information, and a big
list of resources and hotlines.

So that’s a lot of workbook, isn’t it? You can’t say I don’t try to cram
in as many tools as possible (although you can continue to say I use
the work “fuck” far too often). There should be plenty of useful ideas
in here...so settle down with a fresh mug of whatever-you-drink and
get crackin’!

Dr. Faith

11
Get to Know
Your Own
Boundaries
T
he term boundary really just refers to the line (literal or
metaphorical) that marks the limits of a particular area.
Boundaries are the edge territory of what belongs to us
and what belongs to someone else.

Boundaries within any relationship, intimate or otherwise, can take

many forms. They range from sexual issues (“No butt stuff, stop
pressuring me!”) to privacy issues (“Stay out of my journal, FFS!”)
to just everyday interactions (“Please don’t come by my desk and
chat with me today, I’m behind on that project and I’m terrible at
multitasking” or “I need twenty minutes to decompress when I get
home from work”).

Boundaries aren’t just the hard nos, they are also the maybes and
the yesses-with-limits. Like, “Please knock before coming into my
room,” or “I’m not sure if I want to attend that event, let me see if this
pain flare dissipates by Friday.”

Additionally, boundaries change over time, across situations, and

within different relationships. There isn’t a specific trig formula
you can apply in all situations that makes this easy. And any guru-
type person who says otherwise is 103% full of shit. If it were all so
super-simple, we wouldn’t be having these conversations. I would
be writing books about my cats or something. Definitely not trying
to corral everything I have learned and shared about boundaries
throughout my years of clinical practice into something actually
usable.

13
 Personal Boundaries History
W
e develop our sense of our own boundaries and our habits
of interacting with other people’s boundaries in our
childhood, and they evolve throughout our entire lives. In
this workbook, we’re going to look hard at what our boundaries now are
like and how we can do them even better. Because the messages have you
internalized about your right to healthy boundaries and the ownership of
your individual needs have gone on to affect everything in your life.

To start, it’s helpful to reflect on our earlier history with boundaries and
find the messages that shape us that we may not remember.

Not all of our messages about boundaries and consent we taught to us

through abuse, neglect and trauma. Even parents and caretakers that are
very well meaning, sometimes reinforce the idea that our boundaries
don’t matter in the name of cultural expectations of being nice and polite.

Understanding how these experiences have shaped us not only helps us

develop a better relationship with our boundaries in the present, it helps
us model better interactions for those around us.
How were terms like boundaries and consent explained to you growing up?

How were they modeled by others?

14
What messages did you receive about them?

What was expected of you?

How did these expectations impact you?

How do these expectations continue to impact you?

15
 Boundary Styles

B
oundaries can be rigid, permeable, or flexible.

While some people have set up camp in one of these

categories, most of us will operate on a continuum of these
in different situations.

Rigid Boundaries are boundaries that nothing gets through, ever, and
there is zero space for negotiation. Some boundaries should be rigid AF.
I mean, my boundaries around not having people punch me in the face
or empty my bank account are rigid because they should be. But not all
boundaries need to be that hardcore.

Permeable Boundaries are ones that everything gets through if it wants

to. These boundaries are defined for you. Attacks come from the outside,
and you don’t know how to hold your ground. Generally speaking,
permeable boundaries is just code for “letting people walk all over you.” But
sometimes, some boundaries should be permeable, just like sometimes,
some boundaries should be rigid.

Flexible Boundaries are the baby-bear middle ground that we should

operate from for most of our boundary situations. Flexible boundaries
are the ones that come from listening to our internal voice that wants to
protect us and wants us to experience growth. That’s the voice that makes
continuous calibrations about our boundaries, knowing that when we are
willing to compromise in certain areas it may lead to the betterment of the
relationship and emotional growth for yourself.
Generally speaking, are the majority of your boundaries rigid, flexible, or
permeable?

16
Which of your boundaries are rigid right now? Are there any that need to be
challenged in that regard? Are there any that need to be more rigid?

Which of your boundaries are permeable right now? Are there any that need
to be challenged and strengthened into being flexible or even rigid? Do you
have any boundaries that should remain permeable? If so, how does that
permeability support, sustain, or serve you at this point in your life?

What would your ideal boundary balance look like? How close to this ideal are
you right now?

What is something that is actively in your control that you can work on to move
in the direction of your ideal?

17
 Types of Boundaries

I
t can be helpful to think of boundaries as having seven main
categories:

Physical Boundaries: These are the boundaries that deal with the
pragmatics of touch (when, where, how, who, etc.)—both of others
touching you and you touching others.

Property Boundaries: These are the boundaries that deal with the things
we own or lay claim to. Our homes, bikes, favorite t-shirts. Of
course, our primal little brains can get us into trouble in this
regard, as well. People will decide that a chair in a classroom
or conference room is “theirs” and no-one else should sit in it.
And I have caught myself taking personal offense that someone
else purchased that last ginger cookie right fucking in front of me
because they totally knew I wanted it and they are trying to hurt
me. Ahem. Humans definitely have territorial issues, don’t we?

Sexual Boundaries: Sexual boundaries include the physical and emotional

aspects of sex. They also cover information about our sexual
selves: Who we like, what we like to do with the people we like,
etc. They’re about acceptable language, ideas, and information
around sexuality. They’re about terms you use surrounding sex
and if jokes about sex are funny or offensive to you. Sex is such an
important part of most people’s lives that our boundaries around
sex are way bigger than the sexual acts we engage in.

Emotional-Relational Boundaries: Emotional-relational boundaries

are not just about how we want to feel and how others want to
feel. They are even more about demonstrating our respect for our
18
 own personhood and the personhood of others. We respect these
boundaries through how we care for others, and by letting them
have their own emotional experiences. But also, they are about
not taking responsibility for other people’s emotions (because
we’ve all dealt with someone in a raunchy mood who tried to
release that pressure valve onto us).

Intellectual Boundaries: Intellectual boundaries are about our thoughts,

beliefs, and ideas and how they are respected. They are also about
our access to information, ideas, and opportunities to learn. They
are separate from emotional boundaries because someone can
be emotionally kind (sorta) but not respect your worldview. And
someone can think you are brilliant and wise, but still treat you
like shit in other ways.

Spiritual Boundaries: Spiritual boundaries are about our belief systems,

how we practice them, and what we choose to share around these
beliefs. This is different from intellectual boundaries because
spirituality is our human experience of purposeful belonging. It’s
a self-in-relation to something bigger than our own emotional
and intellectual experiences, and that can be a point of bigger
vulnerability for many people. Spiritual boundary violations
could take the form of forcing someone to pray who doesn’t want
to, or not letting someone pray who does want to.

Time Boundaries: These are boundaries regarding one of our most

precious resources: the expenditure of our minutes, hours, and
days. There are plenty of things that I’m super interested in doing
and that don’t cross my intellectual, emotional, or other types of
boundaries, but I don’t have the physical time to invest in them.
You totally know what I mean by that, you’ve been there, too,
right?

19
 What are some of the boundaries that you have for each of these categories?

Which kinds of boundary violations (see page 27) do you experience the most?
Which categories do those violations belong in?

Which kinds of boundaries do you have the most difficulty respecting for
others? Which categories do those violations belong ?

With whom do you find it most difficult to set healthy boundaries?

Which areas do you want to affect change in regarding your boundaries?

20
What steps will you take to start creating these changes?

How do you expect others to react to these changes?

What skills can you use to handle their reactions?

How will your life be different once you have made these changes?

21
 Gut Check Your Boundaries
T hink about these questions and write down the first answers
that come to mind.

What are some of your physical boundaries? Are they rigid, flexible, or permeable?

Are there any issues you want to address regarding your physical boundaries?
Anything you want to explore?

What are some of your property boundaries? Are they rigid, flexible, or
permeable?

Are there any issues you want to address regarding your property boundaries?
Anything you want to explore?

22
What are some of your sexual boundaries? Are they rigid, flexible, or permeable?

Are there any issues you want to address regarding your sexual boundaries?
Anything you want to explore?

What are some of your emotional-relational boundaries? Are they rigid, flexible,
or permeable?

Are there any issues you want to address regarding your emotional-relational
boundaries? Are they rigid, flexible, or permeable?

What are some of your intellectual boundaries? Are they rigid, flexible, or
permeable?

23
 Are there any issues you want to address regarding your intellectual boundaries?
Are they rigid, flexible, or permeable?

What are some of your spiritual boundaries? Are they rigid, flexible, or
permeable?

Are there any issues you want to address regarding your spiritual boundaries?
Are they rigid, flexible, or permeable?

What are some of your time boundaries? Are they rigid, flexible, or permeable?

Are there any issues you want to address regarding your time boundaries? Are
they rigid, flexible, or permeable?

24
Now it’s officially time for the gut check.
Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and ask yourself the same questions again.

Pay attention to how you feel physically (this is important!!) and write that down
next to your answers above.
When you read all those questions above, what was your emotional response? Not
what you think you should have answered, not what you know the intellectual
answer to be, but what your body tells you the answer actually is.

Did anything new come up?

Was there anything that your body reminded you about that you had initially not
listed?

25
 How Flexible Are Your Boundaries?

O
n this page, mark down how rigid, flexible, or permeable your
boundaries are in each category. This is about how you hold
boundaries in these categories, not about how others respond
to your boundaries (the next exercise is for that!). Maybe it
depends—there’s room to explain or clarify below each category.

TYPE RIGID FLEXIBLE PERMEABLE

PHYSICAL
BOUNDARIES

PROPERTY
BOUNDARIES

SEXUAL
BOUNDARIES

EMOTIONAL/
RELATIONAL
BOUNDARIES

INTELLECTUAL
BOUNDARIES

SPIRITUAL
BOUNDARIES

TIME
BOUNDARIES

26
How Others Respect Your Boundaries
H
ow well do other people respect your boundaries? Check the box
that describes the level of respect for each boundary type you feel
from the people around you the majority of the time. If there are big
exceptions—like, most people respect your property except for that
one co-worker—make a note.
If you end up checking a lot of “sometimes” and “rarely,” we have some good tools
to help you out with that...check out the Communication section (see page 58) of
this workbook to help you develop the practical stills you need to better verbalize
your boundaries with everyone around you.
On the other hand, if you find you’re checking a lot of “it depends,” there may be
some people in your life who have particular trouble respecting your boundaries.
Check out the Identifying Abuse (see page 106) of this workbook if so.

TYPE USUALLY RARELY IT DEPENDS

PHYSICAL
BOUNDARIES

PROPERTY
BOUNDARIES

SEXUAL
BOUNDARIES

EMOTIONAL/
RELATIONAL
BOUNDARIES

INTELLECTUAL
BOUNDARIES

SPIRITUAL
BOUNDARIES

TIME
BOUNDARIES

27
 How You Respect Others’ Boundaries
H
ow well do you respect other people’s boundaries? This one is hard,
right? I’m pretty sure if I ran the world and everyone did what I
said it would work far better.

But I’m not the decider, which means I have to respect people’s
boundaries.

How about you?

Check the box that describes how likely you are to show respect for these different
types of boundaries. If there are big exceptions—like, you usually respect people’s
spiritual autonomy but you just can’t seem to get off your sibling’s case about the
church they choose to attend—make a note below.

If you end up checking a lot of boxes that aren’t “usually,” check out the Respecting
Others Boundaries section (page 70) to help you work on this stuff.

TYPE USUALLY RARELY IT DEPENDS

PHYSICAL
BOUNDARIES

PROPERTY
BOUNDARIES

SEXUAL
BOUNDARIES

EMOTIONAL/
RELATIONAL
BOUNDARIES

INTELLECTUAL
BOUNDARIES

SPIRITUAL
BOUNDARIES

TIME
BOUNDARIES

28
Recognizing Boundary Violations
I
’ve defined boundaries as the constructs that differentiate between
ourselves and someone else. Boundary violations can occur when that
space is not negotiated in conscious and mindful ways and our actions
result in harm (regardless of our intentions).

This is very much about consent. Consent is used as a buzzword that confuses
a lot of people, but in practice it’s a simple concept. Consent is the informed,
voluntary permission given or agreement reached for an activity/exchange
between two or more sentient beings. When it comes to the expression and
negotiation of our boundaries, we generally do so through how we communicate
consent. If someone asks you “Hey, can I borrow this book?” they are recognizing
that the book is something you own (property boundary!), and are asking for your
consent to use it and return it. You are then free to give your consent, not give it,
or give it conditionally.

Boundary violations are what happen when we act without consent.

Pia Mellody, author of Facing Codependence, points out two main categories of
boundary violations. Her categories are, simply enough, external and internal.

1) External Boundary Violations are when people do something to you in

a physical way. Touching you without your permission. Taking your shit
without you agreeing for them to do so. External boundary violations
are tangible and measurable.

2) Internal Boundary Violations are when people violate your emotional

space and try to get your to change your behavior and actions to suit
their needs without requesting that change honestly. It’s manipulative
shit. Sometimes this takes the form of coercive control, which we get
into later in the book.

For this exercise, go through the list and check off where you’ve violated others’
boundaries, and where other people have violated yours. At the end of each
section there’s room to write in more because there are a ton of ways we can
violate each others’ boundaries!

This stuff is all super intense, right? If you are developing a clincial case of
the yucky feelings, feel free to skip ahead to the grounding exercises in part 2
whenever you need them.

29
 I HAVE SOMEONE EXTERNAL
DONE HAS DONE
THIS TO THIS TO BOUNDARY
SOMEONE ME
VIOLATIONS
Past Present Past Present
SEXUAL ABUSE

Past Present Past Present

PHYSICAL ABUSE

Past Present Past Present

UNWANTED TOUCH (including touch
at times someone doesn’t want to be touched, in
ways they don’t want to be touched, and in places the
person doesn’t want to be touched)
Past Present Past Present ENTERING SOMEONE’S LIVING
SPACE WITHOUT CONSENT

Past Present Past Present CUTTING IN FRONT OF

SOMEONE IN LINE WITHOUT
CONSENT
Past Present Past Present
NOT CLEANING UP ONE’S OWN
MESS

Past Present Past Present USING ANOTHER PERSON’S

PROPERTY WITHOUT CONSENT

Past Present Past Present NOT RETURNING OR BEING

LATE TO RETURN PROPERTY
(even if it was borrowed with consent)

Past Present Past Present NOT ADHERING TO TIME

AGREEMENTS (being perpetually late or
uncomfortably early)
Present Present
Past Past
TAKING CONTROL OF
SOMEONE ELSE’S CHILD WHEN
THEIR PARENT OR GUARDIAN
IS PRESENT
Past Present Past Present
MOVING IN TO LIVE LIVE WITH
ANOTHER PERSON WITHOUT
PERMISSION
Past Present Past Present SMOKING IN FRONT OF OTHERS
OR IN THEIR LIVING SPACE
WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT

30
 I HAVE SOMEONE INTERNAL
DONE HAS DONE
THIS TO THIS TO BOUNDARY
SOMEONE ME
VIOLATIONS
Past Present Past Present ASKING PERSONAL
QUESTIONS OUTSIDE OF THE
DEPTH OF THE RELATIONSHIP
Past Present Past Present ASKING OTHERS TO
JUSTIFY THEIR ACTIONS OR
VIEWPOINTS WHEN NEITHER
IMPACT US
Past Present Past Present
GIVING FEEDBACK ABOUT
SOMEONE’S BEHAVIOR WHEN
IT DOESN’T AFFECT US
Past Present Past Present
LISTENING TO THE PHONE
CONVERSATIONS OF OTHERS
Past Present Past Present READING OTHERS’ DIARIES,
LETTERS, EMAILS, OR PRIVATE
MESSAGES
Past Present Past Present SHARING SECRETS OR THINGS
TOLD TO US IN CONFIDENCE
(gossiping counts here)
Past Present Past Present
ASSUMING THE FEELINGS OF
OTHERS
Past Present Past Present
ASSUMING THE REASONS FOR
OTHERS’ BEHAVIOR
Past Present Past Present
ASSUMING OTHERS’
THOUGHTS

Past Present Past Present

MAKING DEMANDS INSTEAD
OF REQUESTS

Past Present Past Present

EXPRESSING “ADVICE” OR
“CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM” when it
was unsolicited and/or is offered for the sole purpose of
hurting the person who is the recipient of the comments.
Past Present Past Present TREATING SOMEONE IN A
CONDESCENDING WAY (talking to
people as if they were a child or slow to understand)
Past Present Past Present JUDGING OTHERS
Past Present Past Present
USING ABUSIVE LANGUAGE

31
 I HAVE SOMEONE BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS
DONE HAS DONE THAT COULD BE
THIS TO THIS TO
BOTH INTERNAL AND
SOMEONE ME
EXTERNAL

Past Present Past Present SHARING PERSONAL

INFORMATION ABOUT ONESELF
WITHOUT CHECKING OUT IF THE
HEAR-ER WANTS TO HEAR IT
Past Present Past Present
MISGENDERING SOMEONE
Past Present Past Present USING TRANSPHOBIC OR
TRANS-EXCLUSIONARY
LANGUAGE
Past Present Past Present USING RACIST, OR RACIALLY
STEREOTYPED LANGUAGE
Past Present Past Present ASKING FOR EXCESSIVE OR
INAPPROPRIATE FAVORS
Past Present Past Present EXPECTING A FAVOR
EXCHANGE (giving favors assuming favors
will be given in return)
Past Present Past Present
TRIANGULATING (trying to use a third
party to control someone)
Past Present Past Present
PUSHING PAST SOMEONE’S
“NO” (or any limits they have set)
Past Present Past Present
HELPING SOMEONE WITHOUT
FIRST ASKING IF THEY WOULD
LIKE HELP
Past Present Past Present INTERRUPTING SOMEONE
WHILE THEY ARE TALKING

Past Present Past Present TRYING TO FORCE ADULTS TO LIVE

BY SOMEONE ELSE’S MORAL AND
ETHICAL STANDARDS
Past Present Past Present
INTRUDING AT A GATHERING, such as
joining others at a restaurant without being invited

Past Present Past Present CONTINUED PURSUIT OF A

RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE
WHO HAS INDICATED THAT THEY
ARE NOT INTERESTED (regardless if they
had maintained a relationship in the past)
Past Present Past Present
INDULGING OUR DESIRES AT
THE EXPENSE OR HARM OF
ANOTHER
32
Were there any boundary violations listed that you hadn’t really thought of as
being boundaries before?

Were they internal, external, or both?

Are there certain types of boundary violations that you have experienced more
often than others historically?

What about in the present?

Are there certain types of boundary violations that you have been guilty of
(even unintentionally) in the past?

What about in the present?

33
 Values Clarification

V
alues clarification exercises help us determine what we
find the most important in life. And how we describe
ourselves and perceive ourselves (if we are doing
so congruently) is usually a reflection of that. Our
boundaries should come from what we hold as valuable in our lives.
If there is a disconnect between our values and our actions, this is
a chance to pay attention to that experience and set yourself back
on course.
The big challenge with many people, is defining what their values
are. Rather than the values that others have imposed upon them.
Whether parents or other caretakers when they were young, friends,
or society as a whole. Aligning with our own values adds a sense of
mission to the “getting better” part of unfuckening.
Many people don’t have a language to articulate their values. So
here’s a huge list of potential values (plus space to write in more of
your own) .
Acceptance Attentive Clear
Badassitude Balance Clever
Accountability Beauty Comfort
Accuracy Boldness Commitment
Achievement Bravery Common sense
Adaptability Brilliance Communication
Advocacy Calm Community
Allyship Candor Compassion for animals
Ambition Carefulness Compassion for fellow
Artistic expression Certainty humans
Artistic interactions Challenge Competence
Assertive Clean Concentration
Confidence
34
Connection Dismantling oppressive Foresight
Consciousness systems Fortitude
Consistency Dynamic Freedom
Contentment Effective Friendship
Contribution Efficient Fun
Control Empathy Generosity
Convenience Empowerment Genius
Conviction Endurance Giving
Cool Energy Goodness
Cooperation Enjoyment Grace
Courage Enthusiasm Gratitude
Courtesy Social Justice Greatness
Creation Ethical Growth
Creativity Excellence Happiness
Credibility Experience Hard work
Curiosity Exploration Tenacity
Decisiveness Expressive Hard-working
Defeating fascism Fairness Harmony
Dependability Family Health
Design Fame Honesty
Determination Fearless Honor
Development Feelings Hope
Devotion Feminism Humility
Dignity Intersectionality Humor
Discipline Ferocious Hygge
Discovery Fidelity Imagination
Focus Independence
35
 Individuality Nesting Recognition
Influence Neutrality Reflective
Innovation Openness Relaxation
Insight Optimism Representation
Inspiring Organization Respect
Integrity Originality Responsibility
Intelligence Passion Results-oriented
Intensity Patience Righteousness
Intuition Peace Rigor
Irreverent Performance Risk
Joy Persistence Satisfaction
Justice Physicality Security
Kindness Playfulness Self-care
Knowledge Poise Self-compassion
Lawful Potential Self-reliance
Leadership Power Selflessness
Learning Practical Sensitivity
Logic Present Serenity
Love Productivity Service
Loyalty Professionalism Sexuality
Magic Prosperity Sharing
Mastery Purpose Silence
Maturity Queerness Simplicity
Meaning Questioning Sincerity
Moderation authority Skill
Motivation Realistic Solitude
Nazi-Punching Reason Spiritual
36
Spontaneous Vulnerability
Stability Wealth
Status Welcoming
Stewardship Winning
Storytelling Wisdom
Strength Wonder
Structure Have values that aren’t on this list? Write in your
Success own.

Support
Surprise
Tree-hugging
Teamwork
Sobriety
Thorough
Thoughtful
Timeliness
Tolerance
Toughness
Traditional
Transparency
Trust
Truth
Understanding
Uniqueness
Unity
Vigor
Vision
37
 Map Your Values
Values from the People who Values from Other Important
Raised Me (Parents, Guardians, People In My Life (Friends,
Other Family Members, etc.) Partners)

Values Specific to my Local Values From my Larger

Community/Cultural Heritage Community

Values I Would Most Like to Live Values I Am Currently Living by

by

38
My Authentic Self
Here’s a place to take the core elements of the work you did regarding
your personal values to create a snapshot of your essential identity.
I am I am not

I want I do not want

I will I will not

39
 Honoring Your Values through Your
Boundaries

Y
ou’ve got your core values listed (good work, there!) and you used
it to distill down some fundamentals about your authentic self
(kicking workbook ass!!!!). Now, here is the place to funnel those
ideas into action (and by action I mean proactive boundaries!).

Use this worksheet to plan out how you’ll achieve or experience the values you
identified as the ones you would most like to live by.

Value Actions I need to take Limits I need to set

40
Your Ideal Funeral

I
magine your own funeral. You have lived a long and meaningful life and
the eulogy that is being given in your honor discusses who you are and
what you accomplished. Who is giving it? What do they say?

41
 An Exercise in Voice

A
udre Lorde was a Caribbean born feminist, activist, poet, writer,
and lesbian who died of cancer in 1992, at the same time I was just
discovering her work. She is perhaps best known for saying “The
Master’s tools will never dismantle the Master’s house.” The original
essay that quote came from can be found in her collection of essays and speeches,
Sister Outsider.

The essential idea behind this quote is that we cannot effect change by playing
by the rules that we had no voice in creating. These old rules (hello again, rape
culture) that surround us are designed to maintain oppression, not give us voice
to rise up.

The questions become: How do we begin to get our voice back? and How do we
learn to speak our truth with safety?

This fundamental question is a brilliant starting point for shed our social
conditioning and past experiences which have served to silence our authentic
voice which is necessary for the recognition and communication of healthy
boundaries. Audre Lorde’s original text, from her book The Cancer Journals is in
bold. My therapist-y interpretations is in italics underneath.

1. What are the words you do not have yet?

What experiences have you had for which there are no words to properly describe
what has happened?

42
2. What do you need to say?
What are the things you have not yet shared? Maybe not even to yourself. Maybe
because the words have not been available. List as many things as you need to list.

3. What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your
own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence?
What do you take on that is not yours, no matter how often you are told that it
is? What is imposed upon you that you suffer through in order to put food on the
table? To remain connected to others? To survive? This list is ever growing and ever
changing. Change the list as often as need be.

4. If we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own need for
language, ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell this
truth?”
What is the worst thing that could happen? What is the best? What is the most
likely? Is it worth speaking up right now? If not, what would need to change to
make it worth it?

43
 Personal Bill of Rights

O
ur values and ideals identify how we navigate the world with respect
for ourselves and for others. Considering our personal bill of rights
helps us be mindful of how we navigate the world, especially if our
wants and needs weren’t respected when we were growing up. I’ve
included a few to get you started that you can either keep or reject as you see fit!.

1. I have the right to claim responsibility for my own emotional reactions.

2. I have the right to communicate honestly and expect honest

communication in return.

3. I have the right to determine my own priorities.

4. I have the right to say “no” with or without explanation.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

44
It’s Not My Job

T
his tool is a helpful reminder that you are not responsible for the
feelings of others. When you have a relationship with someone, you can
choose to hold space for their experience, but that isn’t the same thing
as becoming their emotional caretaker.

Here’s a chance to remind yourself of responsibilities that are not yours to manage.
I’ve added a few to get you started which you can keep or discard as needed.

1) It’s not my job to fix other people.

2) It’s not my job to take responsibility for other people’s feelings.

3) It’s not my job to agree with other people’s opinions or beliefs.

4) It’s not my job to anticipate the needs of those around me.

5)

6)

7)

8)

9)

10)

45
Another random document with
no related content on Scribd:
make one more effort to redeem his honor by a discovery of
importance. With this end in view, he led his disheartened forces
northward, and in December reached a small village belonging to
Chickasaw Indians, in the state of Mississippi, supposed to have
been situated about N. lat. 32° 53′, W. long. 90° 23′.

In spite of constant petty hostilities with the Indians, the winter,

which was severe enough for snow to fall, passed over peaceably;
but with the beginning of spring, the usual arbitrary proceedings
were resorted to by De Soto for procuring porters to carry his
baggage in his next trip, and this led to a second terrible fight, in
which the Spaniards were worsted, and narrowly escaped
extermination. Had the Indians followed up their victory, not a white
man would have escaped to tell the tale; but they seem to have been
frightened at their own success, and to have drawn back just as they
had their persecutors at their feet.

Rallying the remnant of his forces, and supplying the place of the
uniforms which had been carried off by the enemy with skins and
mats of ivy leaves, De Soto now led his strangely transformed
followers in a north-westerly direction, and, completely crossing the
modern state of Mississippi, arrived in May on the banks of the
mighty river from which it takes its name, in about N. lat. 35°.

Thus took place the discovery of the great Father of Waters,

rolling by in unconscious majesty on its way from its distant
birthplace in Minnesota to its final home in the Gulf of Mexico. To De
Soto, however, it was no geographical phenomenon, inviting him to
trace its course and solve the secret of its origin, but a sheet of
water, “half a league over,” impeding his progress, and his first care
was to obtain boats to get to the other side.
 DE SOTO DISCOVERING THE MISSISSIPPI.

The Chickasaw Indians, relieved, doubtless, at the prospect of

getting rid of the intruders, gladly led them to one of the ordinary
crossing-places, but the native canoes found there were not fit for
the transportation of horses, and a month was consumed in building
barges, during which visits were paid to the strangers by Aquixo, the
cacique of the Dakota tribe dwelling on the other side of the Miche
Sepe, who would gladly have made friends with his white brother,
had not De Soto met his advances by killing the first of his followers
who landed near his camp.

By this short-sighted policy the Spanish leader once more

defeated his own purpose, and when the transit of the Mississippi
was at last effected, his march along the western banks was
harassed by the constant hostility of the natives. In the course of the
summer, however, after a dreary struggle through the morasses
above the landing-stage, he came to the dryer and loftier regions of
Missouri, where the natives took him and his men for Children of the
Sun, and brought out their blind to be restored to sight.
 SCENE ON THE MISSISSIPPI AT THE PRESENT DAY.

For once, De Soto refrained to inflict any injury on the simple

believers in his divine mission. Perhaps some dim vision of what he
might have been to the untutored savages, had he been true to his
own creed, flitted across his mind. In any case, we find the stern,
unrelenting, bloodthirsty man assuming for a moment the character
of a preacher of the Gospel, pointing to a cross he had set up on an
Indian mound, and telling the Indians to pray only to God in Heaven
for what they needed. Nay more, he condescended to try to explain
to them the mystery of the Atonement, and was so far successful,
that chief and subjects kneeled with him and his men at the foot of
the sign of our redemption, and listened without interruption to the
prayers put up to the God of the white men.

The service over, De Soto asked for instructions as to the best

route to follow in his untiring quest for gold; and, acting in
accordance with the answers he received, he seems to have turned
away from the Mississippi, and, in August, 1541, to have reached the
highlands of the south-west of Missouri, near the White River,
crossing which, he journeyed southward through Arkansas, and set
up his camp for the winter about the site of the present Little Rock
(N. lat. 34° 45′, W. long. 92° 13′). Bent on resuming his researches in
the ensuing spring, though worn out by continual wanderings and
warfare, and deprived by death of his chief helper, Juan Ortiz, the
indomitable explorer now endeavored to win over the Indians by
claiming supernatural powers, and declaring himself immortal; but it
was too late to inaugurate a new policy. The spot chosen for
encampment turned out to be unhealthy; the white men began to
succumb to disease; scouts sent out to explore the neighborhood for
a more favorable situation brought back rumors of howling
wildernesses, impenetrable woods, and, worst of all, of stealthy
bands of Indians creeping up from every side to hem in and destroy
the little knot of white men.

Thus driven to bay, De Soto, who was now himself either

attacked by disease or broken down by all he had undergone,
determined at least to die like a man; and, calling the survivors of his
once gallant company about him, he asked pardon for the evils he
had brought upon those who had trusted in him, and named Luis
Moscoso de Alvarado as his successor.

On the following day, May 21, 1542, the unfortunate hero

breathed his last, and was almost immediately buried secretly
without the gates of the camp, Alvarado fearing an immediate
onslaught from the natives should the death of the hero who had
claimed immortality be discovered. The newly-made grave, however,
excited suspicion, and, finding it impossible to prevent it from being
rifled by the inquisitive savages, Alvarado had the corpse of his
predecessor removed from it in the night, wrapped in cloths made
heavy with sand, and dropped from a boat into the Mississippi.

The midnight funeral over, all further queries from the natives, as
to what had become of the Child of the Sun, were answered by an
assurance that he had gone to heaven for a time, but would soon
return. Then, while the expected return was still waited for, the camp
was broken up as quietly as possible, and Alvarado led his people
westward, hoping, as Cabeca had done before him, to reach the
Pacific coast.
 But long months of wandering in pathless prairies bringing him
apparently no nearer to the sea, and dreading to be overtaken in the
wilderness by the winter, he turned back and retraced his steps to
the Mississippi, where he once more pitched his camp, and spent six
months in building boats, in which he hoped to go down the river to
its outlet in the Gulf of Mexico. In this bold scheme he was
successful. The embarkation into seven roughly-constructed
brigantines took place on the 2d July, 1543, and a voyage of
seventeen days, between banks lined with hostile Indians, who plied
them unceasingly with their poisoned arrows, brought a few haggard,
half-naked survivors to the longed-for gulf. Fifty days later, after a
weary cruise along the rugged coast of what is now Louisiana and
Texas, a party, still further reduced, landed at the Spanish settlement
of Panuco, in Mexico, where they were received as men risen from
the dead.

In spite of the disastrous conclusion of so many expeditions to

the ill-fated “Land of Flowers,” there were not wanting many
adventurers still eager to try their fortunes in the newly-discovered
districts. The first hero of note to succeed De Soto was a Dominican
priest named Louis Cancello, who, with a number of his brethren,
determined to endeavor to convert the natives to Christianity, and, as
an earnest of their peaceful intentions, took with them to Florida a
number of natives who had been carried off as slaves by their
predecessors. Martyrdom was, however, their only reward. The
Indians, who had been taught in a long series of severe lessons to
look upon white men as their natural enemies, fell upon the
missionaries, who were the first to land, and put them to death. With
the fate of their leaders before them, the minor members of the party
lost no time in effecting their escape, and the freed slaves alone
reaped any profit from the trip. Not more successful was an imposing
expedition headed by Don Tristan de Luna in 1559. Although
provided with an army of 1,500 men, and accompanied by a large
body of missionaries eager to convert the natives; the weapons,
alike temporal and spiritual, of the new adventurers were powerless
against the prejudices of the Indians and the ravages of fever. Those
of the explorers who escaped the evil effects of the climate fell
victims to the vengeance of the sons of the soil, and but few survived
to tell the tale of the failure of the most carefully organized of all
Spanish attempts at colonization north of the Gulf of Mexico.

We shall meet yet again, however, with the Spanish in Florida;

but it was now the turn of the French to gain a footing in the New
World, and before we complete the tale of Spanish discovery in the
North, we must give a brief account of the adventures of the Gauls in
the great exodus of the Western nations, in which they bore so
important—though so fitful—a part.
 CHAPTER III.
EARLY FRENCH SETTLERS IN NORTH AMERICA, AND THEIR STRUGGLE WITH THE
SPANISH IN FLORIDA.

T
HE work begun by Vasco Nuñez de Balboa in the great journey
already related, which terminated so disastrously for himself,
was completed in 1522 by the sailing round the globe of one of
the ships of the Magellan expedition, thus proving the existence of a
southern oceanic passage to the East, and stimulating the
eagerness with which the European nations sought to find a shorter
north-western route. The French, hitherto indifferent to what was
going on in the New World, seem now to have been suddenly
aroused to a sense of the fact that the English, Portuguese, and
Spanish were contending, not, as was at first supposed, for the
possession of scattered and unimportant islands, but for that of a
vast continent of as yet undetermined extent; and Francis I., then
smarting under the loss of the Imperial Crown he had so eagerly
coveted, resolved to make up for the priority of his rivals in the field
by new discoveries in the North. “Why,” he is reported to have said,
“should the Kings of Spain and Portugal divide all America between
them without suffering me to take a share as their brother? I would
fain see the article in Adam’s will that bequeaths that vast
inheritance to them.”

The first result of this new interest in the affairs of the West was
the fitting out of an expedition, consisting of four ships, under the
command of Giovanni Verrazano, a native of Florence, already
mentioned. Of these four vessels, three were disabled almost before
they set sail, leaving to the sole survivor, the Dauphine, the whole
burden of the trip. In that vessel Verrazano left the Madeiras in
January, 1524, with the intention of reaching the American coast
somewhere above Florida, and thence sailing due north till he came
to the North-West Passage.

The first part of this programme was duly carried out, the
Dauphine having made land about 34° N. lat., whence she cruised
down the coast in search of a harbor some two hundred leagues,
thus passing the most northerly point visited by the Spaniards. The
natives of the coasts, belonging probably to the same race as those
who had so hospitably received De Ayllon before his real character
appeared, crowded to the beach to stare at what must have seemed
to them a strange monster of the deep; and when they found the
“monster” was, after all, the servant of men such as themselves, they
beckoned their visitors to land.

One sailor alone had the courage to respond to the invitation, and
he was nearly drowned in attempting to swim to the shore. Picked up
in an exhausted condition by the Indians, he was, however, restored
by their tender treatment. Fires were lighted, by which his clothes
were dried; and when he was completely restored, he was allowed to
return to his comrades, who had all the while been watching the
proceedings on shore in horror-struck silence, expecting the lighting
of the fires to be the preliminary of a human sacrifice. In the hands of
a true leader of men this little episode might have been made the
foundation of lasting and, eventually, beneficial relations between the
Indians and their guests. Verrazano, however, was no exception to
the explorers of his day; he rewarded those who had saved the life of
his sailor by carrying off a young boy as a slave, and then, weighing
anchor, he set sail with his solitary prize for the North, arriving, after
a long cruise, in what is supposed to have been the harbor of New
York. Then, as now, though its aspect is so materially changed, the
mouth of the Hudson presented a beautiful appearance, with what
are now known as Staten and Long Islands on one side, and the
magnificent sheet of water flowing into the sea on the other. Instead
 of the stately vessels
and trim little gun-
boats which now
guard the approach
to the capital of the
Metropolis, Indian
canoes were
shooting here and
there on the
sunlighted waters,
their rowers pausing
again and again to
look at the strange
intruder from the
South.

Verrazano
remained at anchor
off the mouth of the
Hudson for about
fifteen days, receiving
visits on board from
the natives—a kindly,
cheerful race, with
regular features,
MOUTH OF THE HUDSON RIVER.
clear complexions,
long, straight hair,
and good figures. Then steering up the shores of New England for
some forty or fifty leagues, he came to the harbor of Nova Scotia,
where he would gladly have rested awhile, but finding his provisions
failing him, and the Indians meeting his advances with coldness and
suspicion, he turned the Dauphine’s head eastward-ho, arriving at
Dieppe after an absence of only six months.

More important was the work done by Verrazano’s successor,

Jacques Cartier, of St. Malo, who, at the instigation of Admiral
♦ Cabot, was sent out in April, 1534, with two ships of about 130
men, by Francis I.,
with orders to found
a colony somewhere
in the North-west.
Acting on these
somewhat vague
instructions, Cartier
first made the land
at Bona Vista Bay
(N. lat. 48° 50′,
W. long. 53° 20′), on
the eastern coast of
Newfoundland. With
a knowledge of
geography scarcely
to have been
expected at that
early date, Cartier
lost no time in
steering, first north
and then north-west,
for the straits of
Belle Isle, dividing
Newfoundland from
the Mainland; and,
though his course JACQUES CARTIER.
was considerably
impeded by the ice, he passed without accident into the Gulf of St.
Lawrence, crossing which, in a south-westerly direction, he entered
a bay on the coast of Canada, which he named Chaleur (N. lat. 49°
55′, W. long. 65° 25′), on account of the heat.

♦ ‘Chabot’ replaced with ‘Cabot’

Landing on the shores of what he describes as an inviting country

—though the natives were half-naked savages, living on raw fish and
flesh, and with no houses but the canoe tents already noticed in
speaking of the discoveries of the Northmen—Cartier took
possession of the land in the name of the King of France, setting up
a huge cross upon the beach, with the Fleur de Lys carved upon it,
in spite of the deprecatory gestures of the natives, who well knew
what the proceeding portended.

By dint of the exercise of a good deal more tact than was usually
shown by early explorers, Cartier disarmed the suspicions of the
natives, and even persuaded their chief to allow him to take his two
sons, Taignoagny and Domagaia, to France, for which country he
sailed shortly afterward, to report progress and receive further
instructions.

Pleased with the description given

of the new country, Francis I. sent
Cartier back in the following spring
with three well-manned vessels under
his command, and full powers to plant
French colonies wherever he chose,
also to prosecute the search for a
short cut to the East, and to convert
the natives to the true faith.

With the two Indian lads—whose

full confidence he seems to have won
—beside him on the deck of the
foremost vessel, the future founder of
CARTIER’S SHIP.
Quebec arrived at the mouth of a large
river, the St. Lawrence of the present
day, on the 10th August, 1534; and being informed by the natives
that its name was Hochelaga, and that it came from a far country
which no man had ever seen, he determined to ascend it, thinking
that it might perhaps be that strait leading to the Indian Ocean which
had so long been sought in vain.

Naming the new river the St. Lawrence, in honor of the saint on
whose festival day he first entered it, Cartier made his way slowly
over its broad waters till he came to the point at which it receives the
Saguenay, beyond which he anchored off a little island, which he
called the Isle aux Coudres, on account of the hazel-trees abounding
on it. Eight leagues further on, the island now known as the Isle
d’Orleans was reached, and here the natives, reassured by the sight
of their two fellow-countrymen, flocked on deck, eager to hear of
their adventures in the strange land beyond the sea. Delighted with
their accounts of the kindness shown them in France, Donnacona,
the chief or lord of Saguenay, embraced Cartier, and swore eternal
friendship with him and his people, little dreaming that the advent of
the French meant the death of his own race as a nation.

ISLANDS AT THE MOUTH OF THE ST. LAWRENCE RIVER.

From the Isle d’Orleans the French vessel sailed on, past the
mouth of the St. Croix, now the St. Charles, to the village of
Stadacona, on the site of the modern Quebec; thence, undeterred by
various stratagems of the natives, intended to intimidate the
explorers, to the more important town of Hochelaga, where Montreal
now stands; and then past Huron, a settlement of some fifty huts,
inclosed within a triple barrier of palisades.

Landing at Hochelaga, among crowds of gesticulating natives,

Cartier and his chief followers were led into the public square, where
they were at once beset by women and girls, who brought children in
their arms to be touched by the white men from beyond the sea. In
the center of the square lay the king of the land, Agouhanna, a
martyr to the terrible disease of paralysis. Looking up into the face of
his visitor, the monarch, with pathetic confidence in his omnipotence,
begged that he might be freed from his sufferings; and Cartier,
touched by the appeal, kneeled down and rubbed the poor shrunken
limbs of the sufferer, receiving in return for the momentary relief thus
afforded a present of the royal sufferer’s own crown of porcupine
quills.

The ready help given to their leader was the signal for the
bringing into the market-place by the natives of all the lame, halt,
blind, and aged; and Cartier, finding himself the center of an eager
group, could think of nothing better to do than to pray for them all, so
he read them a chapter from the Bible, and then kneeled down and
addressed a petition to Heaven on their behalf in his own language,
the Indians imitating every gesture, under the idea that some magic
spell was being performed. We can imagine their disappointment
when no immediate result ensued from the ceremony; and we are
glad that the explorer showed so much consideration for their
ignorance as to distribute presents of knives, beads, rings, etc.,
among them, which, we are told, they received with joy.

This town of Hochelaga, which is so prominent in Cartier’s

narrative, disappeared from history soon after his day; whether it
was annihilated under the attack of some rival tribe, or destroyed
through some tremendous physical convulsion, history does not tell
us. But its name has been revived, and invested with a new interest,
in our day; for the geologist—as truly an explorer as the geographer
—has been busy upon the site of the ancient town, and has
discovered many valuable remains of its strange, forgotten life,
which confirm and complete the account given by Cartier. Principal
Dawson, of Montreal, in his book on Fossil Men, tells us that he has
in his possession from 150 to 200 fragments of earthen vessels
found upon the spot where Hochelaga stood; and there is abundant
evidence to prove that its inhabitants were people of no mean
mechanical skill. For instance, traces have been found of pots, in the
necks of which are appliances for suspending them, so that the
suspending cord might not be burned. Various relics testify also to
their artistic feeling, most notable among which are tobacco-pipes,
upon which much fine work must have been spent; their peculiar
attention to the pipe being perhaps traceable rather to their
reverence for the worship in which it had an important place, than to
the lighter fancy which dotes upon meerschaums now-a-days. Their
food was that which their surroundings provided; and Dr. Dawson
says that, among the remains excavated, bones of nearly all the wild
mammals have been found, as well as of numerous birds and fishes.
Suspicions of cannibalism are roused by the discovery of part of a
woman’s jaw among kitchen refuse; and these are, perhaps,
increased by the fact that the Hochelagan skulls which have been
discovered bespeak a temperament undoubtedly fierce and cruel;
but on this point there is nothing to lead to certain conclusions. It
might be interesting to follow out this wonderful story of Hochelagan
life further, but to do so here would be aside from the purpose of this
chapter, and we therefore content ourselves with adding, that there
are not wanting traces of a religious sense, simple and rude it may
be, but real and even beautiful, among the Canadians of Cartier’s
day; while the tokens which accompany the dead are such as to
show that the hope of immortality had shed its soft light upon their
hearts.
 MONTREAL.

Naming a hill overlooking Hochelaga Mont Royal—hence the

modern name of Montreal—in memory of his visit, Cartier soon
returned to the mouth of the St. Charles, where he established his
winter quarters and remained until the spring, when, having invited
Donnacona and nine other natives on board his vessel, he set sail
for France, carrying them with him. All but one little girl died soon
after the arrival of the fleet at St. Malo, in July, 1536; but their captain
considered he had more than repaid them for their sufferings by their
admission into the Roman Catholic Church before the end, and was
undeterred by any fear of vengeance for his cruelty to them from
undertaking, in 1540, yet another trip to Canada, as the new country
was now beginning to be called.

The new expedition consisted of five vessels, and was originally

placed under the command of Jean François de la Roque, Seigneur
de Roberval of Picardy; but at the last moment, for reasons variously
given, he requested Cartier to take his place. Arrived for a third time
at his old anchorage off Stadacona, Cartier was at first well received
by the natives, who expected now to welcome back their chief and
his warriors; but when they heard that they were dead, grief and
horror filled their hearts. No longer were they willing to look upon the
white men as their brethren, or to aid their settlement among them;
and though no open hostilities were resorted to, Cartier found his
position throughout the winter so very far from pleasant, that he set
sail for France as soon as the weather permitted, meeting De
Roberval with reinforcements for the colony—which ought to have
been founded—in the harbor of St. John’s, Newfoundland.

The Sieur de Roberval, indignant at the failure of his deputy,

ordered him to return to the St. Lawrence at once, but Cartier
continued his course to his native land in the night, leaving the
original commander of the expedition to complete his work as best
he could. The new-comers sailed up the St. Lawrence as far as the
St. Charles, but De Roberval was almost immediately recalled to
France to aid his sovereign in his struggle with Charles V.; and
though he left thirty of his men behind him, they failed to gain any
real foothold in the country, and returned home in the ensuing spring,
some say under the escort of Cartier himself, who was sent to their
relief.

Thus, ruined on the very eve of success by a petty act of

oppression, ended alike the first attempt at colonization by the
French in North America and the first exploration of the St.
Lawrence, which, though it formed no short cut to the Indies, was yet
destined, as the largest body of fresh water in the world, to play a
mighty part in history as a highway from the coast to the interior of
North America.

Very different to that of any of his predecessors was the

character of our next hero of North American discovery. Driven to
bay in France by the long series of treacheries and cruelties which
culminated in the awful massacre of St. Bartholomew on the 24th of
August, 1572, the French Huguenots hoped to find in the New World
a refuge from religious persecution; and after the failure of an
attempt to found a colony in Rio Janeiro in 1555, the good Admiral
Coligny sent out an expedition to that “long coast of the West India
called La Florida,” under the command of John Ribault, of Dieppe.
 Trained in the
stern school of
adversity, Ribault
started on his
voyage prepared to
face any amount of
danger and privation
in carrying out his
mission of founding
a little Huguenot
Church in the
wilderness. He was
accompanied by
many heretic
noblemen imbued
with the same spirit,
and by a little band
of well-tried troops.
After a stormy
voyage, the little COLIGNY.
fleet came in sight of
the coast of Florida, in about N. lat. 29½°, on the 27th April, 1562,
and, after a brief halt, sailed northward till it reached the mouth of “a
goodly and great river,” the modern St. John’s, to which the name of
the “River of May” was in the first case given.

Entering the River of May in high delight with the beauty of the
scenery lining its banks, the French refugees landed at a little
distance from the sea, and set up a stone column bearing the arms
of France, on a little hill overlooking the south bank, in token that the
land henceforth belonged to his Majesty of France. The natives, who
are described as “mild and courteous, well-shaped, of goodly
stature, dignified, self-possessed, and of pleasant countenance,”
gazed with wonder, but with no notion of its significance, on the
strange pillar set up among them; and leaving it as the sole token of
their visit, the Frenchmen pressed on up the coast, passing one river
after another, till they came, on the 27th May, to the beautiful harbor
of Port Royal, near the southern boundary of the present Carolina,
where Ribault determined to plant a colony.

A fort was erected to begin with, and named Fort Charles, or

Carolina, in honor of Charles IX. of France; and leaving thirty of his
men, under the command of an experienced soldier named Pierria,
to form the nucleus of a settlement, Ribault returned to France for
reinforcements. On his arrival in his native land, however, he found
his co-religionists in greater distress than ever, and not until after the
peace of 1562 was the good Coligny able to devote any attention to
the affairs of the emigrants in the West.

In 1564 three ships were sent out to their relief, under the
command of Captain René de Laudonnière, who had been with
Ribault on his first trip; but on his arrival at the River of May, he was
met with the intelligence that Fort Charles had been abandoned, and
by degrees the whole story of the sufferings of his predecessors
leaked out. Relying on Ribault’s promise of speedy reinforcements,
and missing his bracing influence, the unlucky Huguenots forgot all
about the primary object of their exile, the founding of a church in the
wilderness, and gave themselves up to indolence and luxury. As a
result, their provisions quickly failed, and, though the Indians
befriended them to the best of their ability, they began to succumb to
famine. Discontent and mutiny ensued; Pierria was assassinated in
revenge for the severe discipline he endeavored to maintain, and his
successor, Nicolas Barre, determined to build a small pinnace, in
which to return to France.

With infinite difficulty this plan was carried out. A vessel of some
kind was constructed, and in it, with no provisions but a little corn
given by the natives, the survivors embarked. For three weeks they
tossed about at the mercy of the waves, unable to make any
considerable progress eastward; and then, all the corn being
consumed, they resorted to the awful expedient of obtaining food by
slaying one of their number. Lots were drawn, and the ghastly
ceremony resulted in the murder of a certain La Chère, a soldier who
had been pre-eminent in insubordination under Captain Pierria, and
banished by him to an island outside Port Royal, had been rescued
by his comrades, only to meet with a yet more awful fate than death
by starvation.

Soon after the awful banquet, the blood-stained cannibals—for

such had the zealous sufferers for the Huguenot faith now become—
were met by an English vessel and taken on board, some to be
landed in France, others to be carried prisoners to England.

Convinced of the truth of the story told by the Indians of the

desertion of Fort Charles, Laudonnière abandoned his scheme of
going there, and resolved instead to found a colony on the May; and
for this purpose he selected a spot near the mouth of that river,
which is now known as St. John’s Bluff. Again a fort was built, to
which the now ill-fated name of Carolina was once more given.
Again the colonists contented themselves with preparing for
imaginary enemies, and neglected to provide against the attacks of
famine and fever. Strength and means were wasted in fruitless
expeditions in search of that Apalachen, so long the ignis fatuus of
explorers in Florida, where gold in plenty was ever sought but never
found. Moreover, among Laudonnière’s men were many reckless
adventurers, who, not content with rousing the wrath of the
peacefully disposed Indians by unprovoked assaults upon them,
varied their occupations by piracies against the Spaniards of the Gulf
of Mexico. Retaliations ensued, until at last the colonists, with
enemies rising up on every side, were reduced to the greatest
extremities.

In vain did Laudonnière endeavor to stem the current of adverse

circumstances; in vain did he strive, by example and by precept, to
inaugurate a new policy, by tilling the ground for future support, and
conciliating the Indians, with a view to obtaining present supplies.
His men, desperate with hunger, clamored for him to seize a
neighboring chief, and hold him as a hostage, till his people
ransomed him with corn; and finally, though much against his own
judgment, Laudonnière yielded.
 Outina, a chieftain of high repute, was carried off, and imprisoned
in Fort Carolina. His subjects, at first furious, appeared to acquiesce
in the situation, and offered the coveted ransom in corn, to be
fetched from a distant village by the Frenchmen. The famished
Huguenots fell into the snare. Instead of granaries of the staff of life
they found an ambuscade of armed natives, and, after a long and
bloody fight, they returned to their camp with diminished numbers,
and no trophies of a hard-earned victory but two small bags of corn.

Death now stared the colony in the face, and probably every
member of it must have perished miserably, had not Sir John
Hawkins, first of the long list of Englishmen who have disgraced their
nationality as dealers in slaves, touched at the fort on his way home
from a successful cruise. The wealth he had won in his traffic in
human flesh enabled Hawkins not only to relieve the present
necessities of the French, but to give them a vessel in which to
return home; and they were on the eve of a joyful embarkation, when
our old friend Ribault appeared on the scene with fresh emigrants
and plentiful stores of every variety.

A new era seemed now likely to be ushered in, but its

inauguration was saddened by the humiliation of Laudonnière,
whose vigorous efforts to carry out the original intentions of his
employer, Admiral Coligny, had been misrepresented in France by
certain of his insubordinate followers, whom he had sent home in
disgrace, and forgotten. When the first enthusiasm at the arrival of
his fellow-countryman had subsided, the one man who had striven to
avert the evils which had befallen the colony learned that Ribault had
come out to supersede him in his command. The fact that the new
governor was quickly convinced of the injustice of the charges
brought against Laudonnière, and begged him to remain with him as
a friend, and to retain the command of Fort Carolina, appears to
have done little to soothe the wounded spirit of our hero. He had
resolved to return to France at once and stand his trial, when one of
those sudden changes in the aspect of affairs, to which early
settlements in America have ever been subject, held him to his post.