Prologue

He no longer says it back. Those are three words I desperately want to hear these
days. I expected him to say it back…maybe in the morning before I woke up just as
how he used to do in the beginning. There are no more unexpected words from
him, no more “I love yous” and those “I miss you s” seem to leave from his
messages these days and perhaps…from me too, it’s almost gone. Not that I don’t
want to say it but because I am scared of the feeling of one-sidedness , the feeling
as if I am the only one who feels the same. Maybe he does miss me, maybe not.
Maybe I am no longer important or maybe I am, I would never know. Or maybe it is
just me overthinking all of this. Maybe I am destroying this relationship.

When I lay down on my bed, I think of him. I throw questions to the ceiling, “are
you thinking of me?” , “what are you doing right now?” , “do you…miss me? I miss
you.” “Please, see me.” This longing , this feeling of being slowly cut into pieces ,
this feeling of wanting him…it’s nearly unbearable. Then, I thought, “do you feel
the same? Do I make you feel like this? Or is it just me?”

Days feel swiftly running past me now. I am unsure if this is a good or bad thing. I
question if I should be with him with this unsureness, this inconsistency, this
anxiety. Yet I feel afraid to leave him, I find myself wanting to hold him tightly to
me but it hurts me feeling I can’t even reach him. These days, I feel like drowning
with my eyes open, seeing him there on the surface but I am feeling invisible. I am
trying to open my mouth, to say something but every time I open my mouth I will
gulp some water, I may drown. I might die. So, I close my eyes…hoping I will float
to the surface once I calm my thoughts down. These demons inside of me are
killing me slowly. I didn’t want to show them to him so I retreated to the water one
step back at a time , quietly, slowly until I fell into the water, until this moment, I
might drown. Perhaps, I could swim back to the surface but feels like these muscles
inside of my body won’t cooperate – I feel like a boneless body.

Maybe, I should close my eyes. Blindfold myself. Maybe to forget that I am a

creature with memories.
He was almost like an oath to me. Why do I take almost everything seriously when
there’s no one, at least what I could see or feel do value me? I feel like, I am a
flower that gets appreciated for a while, loved, and admired for a while then
tossed to the ground, trampled on , and being left and replaced just like that…

That hope we wished for – to be together forever, I wonder if he still wishes the
same.

The Meeting
I don’t exactly know how we even know each other or how he got motivated to
know me but I didn’t regret it at all. Well, maybe a bit when this kind of feeling
comes into my heart ; when I tremble just by thinking of what will happen in this
upcoming day, about if this relationship would possibly end today or now or the
next minute. But I don’t want to talk about this for now – let me pour my words
into this wholesome phase, a time when we first know each other, not even
knowing we could be something like this – lover.

He came to me that day. I remember it was January 2022, 31th. That afternoon was
cosy just like him. I wasn’t at my best at that time, I was crushing on someone but
something happened and I was feeling down. Then he came to me with his sunny
vibe. He was like a sunrise to me at that time. We introduced ourselves and
became friends. We had a lot of similarities , especially in the aspect of what we do
in our leisure time. Well, I thought it would be the last time we would talk after
that day because I feel this weird emptiness in my heart on that day. Almost felt
nothing at all. But the next day, he said to me “I kinda miss you”. If I’m being
honest, I was feeling rather numb at that time. Maybe I did smile or maybe I didn’t.
maybe because of my last relationship, I couldn’t trust words that much anymore.
But anyway, he was sweet regardless. My first impression of him as he is an angel.
He was there for me through all my downtime; when I was crushing on two people,
he was there. He talked with me through it as if he was sent by God to guide me.

I Gave Up and I Saw You

Fast forward to a few days later, I was down again. I was disappointed again. I feel
like I don’t deserve love. I gave up. But then, good or bad, I saw him. He was there
the whole time but I didn’t expect I would catch feelings for him. Then it happens,
I think, I liked him. His light, it’s very attractive. I was like a moth attracted to his
light and I thought “you’re the one I need .”

For meeting him and for knowing him as my lover, thank God. And, being loved
back by him, was a blessing.

As I told him straightforwardly that I have some attraction to him, that’s when it all
started. He was playful, he was sweet. His cluelessness is cu te.

I love him so much. Even prayed to God to not take him away from me, “…please” I
asked.

We started dating on 15 February 2022, he um…kissed me virtually. I remember

myself rolling in my bed, giggling like an idiot. Ayo…that still makes me smile even
now. I don’t think I will ever hate him . Maybe I will hate myself but not him. He is
too precious.

How Could He Be Living?

My first thought when I thought about his family was “he must have a good family,
he’s so nice and sweet.” However , the moment he told me something about his
family was the moment my anxiety boomed me with thoughts and that day was the
start when I started to feel every weird sensation – my throat feels tight every
time he passes my mind and then followed by rapid heart pounding. The day I know
something inhuman his family does to him was the day I feel so connected to him,
the day I got the urge to fly and go to him, take him away from that place. But I
have no wings to fly, I couldn’t teleport myself to there, I couldn’t do anything for
him.

That day, I swore I wanted to be the police or to be something that has something
to do with the law. Well, I didn’t want to be any of those but I sat down on my bed,
and prayed to God, “please be with him.”

Every passing day when we talked, I wonder if they are good or bad to him today.
He told me he was good but I don’t know why I couldn’t believe his words anymore.
I just question his “I’m gooddd” messages. A person can say that while not being
okay and that’s what I am anxious about.

Anyway, ever since that day I know something about his family, I noticed that we
talked lesser and less er. There are no more good morning messages from him, no
more how are yous. It slowly fades away. But I understand that part – it must be
hard to live when he has a controlling parent . I understand that part, at
least…some. I was raised in a normal family I suppose. Until I grow up, I noticed
something broken about my childhood. I was constantly looking for my mum. As a
child, there’s not much I remember but I remember that whenever I am sleepy, I
needed my mum to be beside me and I needed her when I open my eyes. But
almost every time, she won’t be there and my mind goes into the searching mode. I
would run to any place, to the river, to anywhere I think she will be. I had my
grandma beside me when I woke up and I am guilty of running, looking for my
mother when I woke up because she doesn’t have that much energy anymore to
run to me when I wake up. When I was a child, I used to be scared of my dad
because he would hit me with a hose if I play too much or if I don’t take a shower
quickly. After all, I would get sick, they say. I just enjoyed the water, that’s all but
it is what it is. Then, there was the neglected part – I wanted attention from my
parents, I needed them, I wanted to know their thoughts when I draw something,
do something or ask anything but noticed that they didn’t care or maybe they don’t
show it but it’s making me scared to show them any of my works because all I
would get is a glance, maybe a “hmm” followed with a nod or nothing at all. As I
grow up, I noticed myself burying my emotions too because I seem to not get any
reaction from them or if I do, it is a judgment as if whatever I feel is wrong. I don’t
want to feel disappointed so I don’t open up to them anymore. There is a lot more
about it but it’s not something that I would want to talk about. But, yeah…that’s
how I understand him too. Our situation isn’t the same but I feel empathy towards
him. I just wanted to take that pain from him and all his nightmares away. But I
wonder how he could be such a ray of sunshine when he has been going through all
of that. That’s what I look up to him.

Is This It?
It’s been creeping up on me . Onsra. I shed tears when I feel like my relationship
with him is ending. I wished we stayed friends so I wouldn’t feel like this yet I feel
blessed I know him as my love r. I wonder if he care s about this relationship
because I couldn’t feel it. There is always some kind of obstacles and challenges in
a relationship and I guess one of them in my relationship with him is his parents. I
understand that he couldn’t use his phone much because he says he can’t. He's
controlled.

Ever since that, I no longer see good morning messages from him. I no longer have
dates with him. I feel like an outcast. I noticed him not replying to my messages
anymore until I double or triple or heck whatever triple it is. It is as if he can’t text
me anymore and that it takes quite a while to return a reply. It is making me feel
like I am unimportant and I question his “I love yous.” Maybe I am too demanding,
maybe it is the time zone difference but I wonder if he ever tried to do something
about it. Is he making time for it ? Or does he see me as someone who has all my
time to be online all the time? To wait until midnight or until the next day just to
wish to talk to him before I go to sleep? I craved quality time. I wanted to feel
connected with him again and every time it failed, I tried and I tried again until I
fell asleep and he was no longer there. Maybe already swayed by his dream. Well, I
wish he don’t have nightmares. Anyway, we are no longer talking that much with
each other. Then, I thought, “maybe this Saturday” but then I feel disappointed
again because he will be out again, and he can’t text me until he got home. I feel
like being stood up. I cried a couple of times because of it. Maybe I am just too
pathetic or maybe I am being manipulative. I am questioning my sanity, my
thoughts, and if this is the right feeling to feel.

“You just need to be a little more understanding,” I told my reflection.

I laughed when I think of every possible way to make this relationship works when
he says he couldn’t talk. “Well, you’re nothing, don’t expect too much ,” said that
girl in the mirror.

Maybe I just care too much .

Break? Stay?
This is the part I hated the most. This is the part where I don’t want to enter. But
this is the part that will test any relationship. To be honest, from the very start, I
have the thought of “no, don’t do this ,” but we reached this part. Thanks to him,
honestly – he was so tolerating with me, always been so we stayed together for
some time. But maybe he finally sees the flaws in me that he can’t accept, I
honestly don’t even know how we ended things. It just…happens. Well, what I know
is just, that he suddenly was cold toward me. He became a heck of ice and I can’t
even melt him anymore.

***

That Friday was devastating. That Friday evening was torture. My heart felt like it
was slowly breaking apart. We talked things down, it was fine, I’m quite relieved
about that. But I didn’t know it would be the last time we would talk that way, I
miss those moments when he talked to me like I am a little kid, I have always been
feeling like he was my haven, away from pain. For that, I am always thanking him,
silently.

The next day, I woke up, I…thought about him. “I miss you,” I whispered to
the wind. How I hoped it could deliver those words to him. I always have been
curious how he’s voice sounds like, how would it sound like to hear him say “I love
you too.” But…we never talked. However , though, I thought that Saturday evening,
“yes, I want you. I choose you.” How silly I might have been that evening; I couldn’t
wait to say that he i s who I choose. Then, later that day I talked to him but I didn’t
know that it would be the day chaos would come; somehow…he doesn’t want to
talk to me. It’s like, I am suddenly an outsider in his life – I felt fear, I was
frustrated, I wanted to know what is happening .

But maybe I should’ve just let him be. Perhaps, it’s my fault for wanting to know
everything. But, was it that hard to say “sorry, I want to be alone right now”?
Maybe it was, to him.

That night, I just couldn’t process what was going on, even now. So, I
thought, maybe he doesn’t want this relationship after all. Maybe he couldn’t
tolerate me anymore, maybe I am not good enough in his eyes anymore…or maybe
he has found someone else. Those doubts, I know I shouldn’t be thinking that. But I
couldn’t bear it anymore, so I raised the question again.

Perhaps, we should reconsider our relationship.

I wished he would say something about staying but…maybe it shouldn’t be a

surprise that he reacted differently that time. But I smiled because I thought, “it’s
okay, I am hurting him all these times. I should let him go.”

However though, I didn’t know it would be like this . He became so cold toward me
or maybe I died quite a while ago that he didn’t see me anymore . It hurts me…this
feeling of being unseen by someone dear to me. It hurts me, it makes me recall
childhood memories that I am not proud of experiencing. It feels like I am that
child again who got abandoned by her parent on a rocky road. That little girl didn’t
know she did something that hurts her parent, she just wanted sausage for that
one lunch. Knowing the cause of that… just makes her blame her being.

We…broke up?
So…I guess we broke up. I don’t exactly know but…judging from his way of replying,
I guess we are over. Honestly, I don’t know what was happening. I thought we
would be happy again after that phase of questioning if we want to be together.
But maybe he just feels sick of the relationship. It’s his choice but I wished we
ended things in a way that is at least…gives answers to each other’s frustrations. I
don’t know what happened to his “I don’t want to break up” message. I was
confident that he would choose me but…well, we are over now.

Closing story
Somehow, he became someone I don’t know, someone aggressive, someone with
resentment. I was scared seeing his changes – I was scared I hurt him that he
became like that. I wanted to ease the pain but I realize I am no longer someone
who has that key to his heart.

As time goes by, I tried to be his friend again but he treats me like I don’t exist. It
hurts, yes, it’s hella painful and if that’s his objective then congratulations, it’s
hella breaking me apart.

…and maybe I should go. I no longer can be

his friend, judging from his treatment.

“Wishing you the best life possible, because I can’t be wishing you a good day daily
anymore,” she whispered .

“But, thank you for those days of loving me.”