1

Loving Bravely Self-Reflection Journal: Seven and Eight

Petra A. Anteater

ID: 87654321

University of California, Irvine

SS 185w: People in Society

 2

Loving Bravely Self-Reflection Journal: Chapters Seven and Eight

Lesson seven greets us with a potentially tough reality: For relationships to work, we

need to leave our fairy tale lens by the door, according to Solomon (2017, p. 111). She actively

encourages us to internalize so we continuously grow and change; thus, our relationships demand

that change, and the love stories we create refrain from staying the same forever. These love

stories exist within chapters, and Solomon (p. 114) notes that if we frequently find that we

struggle with a particular one, take a moment and contemplate why. This gives way to awareness

and willingness to the change every relationship needs. Additionally, lesson eight provides us

with a call to reinvent our idea of soulmates. The notion that soulmates exist as our perfect pair,

according to Solomon (p. 112), damages our perceptions of love more than it elevates. She

directly points out how placing someone on such a high pedestal leaves us distraught when he or

she fails to live up to our expectations. To combat this, we need to anchor ourselves in reality

and grasp that soulmates possess flaws akin to all of us. In our journey to loving bravely, our

idea of soulmates needs to aid us, not hold us back.

Surrendering the Fairy Tale

Gratefulness

Fostering development demands time and energy—resources not universally owned in

abundance by everyone. However, Solomon (2017, p. 120) provides a simple solution to

promote the same type of development in a less demanding way: a gratitude journal. She remarks

that keeping a gratitude journal assists in a healthier life and happier relationships. I constantly

hear this piece of advice given, yet I struggle heavily to follow the advice.

While working on this reflection, I tried it out for the first time. Here and there, I write in
 3
the notes app on my phone about a similar theme to gratitude, but never in the traditional sense

of pen to paper. Experiencing journaling traditionally, after a couple of years of only typed work,

felt refreshing. It left me feeling more connected to my thoughts than typing ever offered. As for

the act of sitting and experiencing gratitude itself, I noticed I saw more of the little and

seemingly insignificant things that I appreciated. One of those, the busy street passing right

outside my apartment, shocked me. Despite my constant complaints, when I really contemplated

it, I found some actual affection. That street, though annoying at three in the morning, reminds

me I exist now. Sometimes, when I really get into my head, the loud engines and honks,

interestingly enough, ground me. For that, gratitude remains my only response.

Love Chapters

To better understand the difficulties of our intimate relationships, Solomon (2017, p. 121)

requests that readers think about one in particular and create chapters for that love story before

comparing them to the chapters we discussed in lesson seven—“Early Idealization, The Fall

from Grace, Brave Love.” Though I lack a romantic relationship to reflect on, I accumulated

many types of friendships over the years and intend to use one of those instead.

I call this first chapter, "Early Idealization,": Fans First. Me and Janelle met through our

mutual love of the Korean pop (K-pop) group Beyond the Scene (BTS), thus the title. It felt like

an instant connection, and I often said that it felt hard to imagine a world where we never

became friends. At the time, all of my other friends, though supportive of my interest, never took

part in it, so finding someone like Janelle brought copious amounts of joy into this area of my

life.

This second chapter, “Fall from Grace,”: High School Woes. Though we stayed friends

for a couple of years, high school came and treated us unkindly. We both made many mistakes
 4
during this time. From my perspective, Janelle got into the wrong crowd, and my mother always

taught me to stay away from those kids, so I distanced myself. I made other friends while still

trying to steer her in a better direction, but soon some drama happened between one of my other

friends and her, causing us to drift completely apart. I know that from her perspective, this

seemed like I abandoned her, and for that, I hold regret.

Finally, the third chapter, “Brave Love,”: Life Without and Reconciliation. After, living

without Janelle in my life felt effortless. I hate to say that, but given how our friendship ended, I

held some animosity towards her that helped me move on incredibly fast. However, after a

couple of years and a lot of maturing, we met up again to discuss what happened. That

conversation brought us both closure while enlightening me on other issues that I dealt with later,

and, though we hardly speak at all today, I remain grateful for our ability to speak as adults, and

both feel and let go of what happened.

Reflecting on this relationship, I find that I really struggled with properly reacting to the

“Fall from Grace” chapter. However, in the “Brave Love” portion, I reacted in the way I wished

to previously; understanding, open, and ready to listen.

Keeping the Soul in Soulmate

Working Definition

In lesson eight, Solomon (2017, pp. 123-127) introduces many interpretations of

soulmates: "’basherts’, fellow travelers, and those who wake us up. Before delving into this

chapter, my definition of a soulmate focused on bonds. I believe we share soul bonds with our

soulmates, but not in the way that frames it as our perfect match. These soul bonds form when

we really connect with a person, and on both ends, loving feels less like a chore and more like

second nature. These soul bonds also break and weaken, yet in those cases, repairs and
 5
fortifications become possible. After reading this chapter, I really resonate with the “fellow

travelers” description of a soulmate. Describing soulmates as simply an “us” narrative, and them

choosing love, time and time again because they wish to, feels really nice to internalize. We both

exist here in this relationship because of love, and that makes us soulmates. The description I

resonated with the least: “basherts.” The whole notion of a “match made in heaven” lacks appeal

for me. My perspective on this stems entirely from my disbelief in religion.

Breaking Open

To continue our discussion on soulmates, Solomon (2017, 129-130) asks us to think of

three people and write lists of what we learned from them and what he or she learned from us

before considering how that relationship mimics soulmates. The three people I chose: my friend

Jules, my friend Nini, and my cousin Vani.

Reflecting on my friendship with Jules leads me to confidently say that she taught me to

remain unbothered. Admittedly, this sounds a little strange, but this lesson helps me remember

that not everything translates to a personal attack, and other people’s issues need not transfer

over to me. I struggle with letting other people really affect me, and she remains by my side to

really ground me in reality. While I learned this from her, I believe I taught her how to exist

more as herself. When I first met Jules, she never let anyone know her interests, in fear of

seeming “weird.” The closer we became, the more I reminded her constantly that I cared about

what she liked and wished to hear about everything. Now, I notice that, even in the company of

strangers, she feels more comfortable showing her interests. This friendship feels like a soulmate

relationship because of how deeply we care for each other’s quality of life.

My friendship with Nini taught me I needed to allow myself to not let anxiety rule me.

She constantly goes everywhere by herself; she drives herself to places; she exists without the
 6
worry that runs my life. Now I try to live as confidently as her day by day. In terms of what she

learned from me, I definitely taught her that life extends beyond what our families think of us.

For a while, she overly worried herself about what her father thought about her and her life.

However, when we hang out now, she lets herself go a lot more and lives far more authentically.

Our relationship feels like that of soulmates; even if we never explicitly taught each other

anything, simply watching how the other lives helps us better our own lives.

For my cousin Vani, I find I learn plenty from her. Though only a year younger than me,

she connects with her childhood a lot easier than I. I admire this about her. Sometimes I get into

my head about looking “cringe” or strange. She cares very little about that. I wish to live just like

her someday, uncaring—even more than now. I think I taught, and continue to teach, that she

herself persists as the only person allowed to criticize the choices that affect her. In our family,

becoming swept up in the judgment of others remains quite easy. Though I find it unfair and

distasteful, it happens, and we need to simply deal with these judgments. Our relationship always

felt like soulmates given our close connection and the intricate interweaving of our lives.

Soulmates in Action

As a final push into the soulmate conversation, Solomon (2017, p. 130) encourages us to

connect with another person and question him or her about what he or she learned and taught in

the relationship. I queried my friend Anna on this, and she responded that our relationship taught

her that, “Maybe cool people do want to be friends with me and that I should just embrace who I

am instead of worrying about who I should be.” Further she suggested that simply watching how

I live helps her with framing how she wishes to live. I never need to explicitly teach her

anything, she just sees me as the “example.” In asking about what she feels she taught me, she

hesitated a bit, struggling to come up with an answer. After a while she said, “The only thing I
 7
can think of right now is that I teach you to be proud of your ideas and creative work.” I agree

with this heavily. Though I get embarrassed by my own ideas, she always lets me know how

much she enjoys hearing my thoughts. When we got into the soulmate talk, she outright said that

she holds no belief in soulmates. She told me that it seems a little ridiculous to believe that a

perfect person in the world “exists for you,” and that “the idea is kind of toxic.” Finally, in

asking her about how she views our friendship like “soulmates”, she responded, “Though I just

said I don’t believe there is a perfect person out there for us, it is kind of crazy how fast we

clicked and it feels like some higher power has something to do with it.”

Conclusion

Even though fairy tale love lacks any real existence, and the traditional use of the word

“soulmate” holds no ground in reality, love that mimics those attributes persists—with enough

work. Re-evaluating our ideals of love and soulmates gives way to healthier relationships with

such concepts. To find our soulmates, we need to understand that he or she exists not as our

“perfect match” but as an equal with flaws. Likewise, to find our fairy tale love story, we need to

recognize that fights happen, and getting through them only makes the relationship stronger, not

weaker.
 8

Reference

Solomon, A. H. (2017). Loving bravely: 20 lessons of self-discovery to help you get the love you

want. New Harbinger Publications.