A sweet farewell, my love

For Jane, there’s only two lives;

before, and after Will.

The before begins on a rainy night.

Funny enough, it’s the rain, that finally
brings them together.
Jane’s sitting on a worn-down wooden
bench, her face twisted in a pained
grimace, skin pale and clammy. Her
eyes close when the earlier memories
resurface and the pain tumbles out
again, making her feverish. Jane tries
to suck herself into a deeper, a safer
place to cope with all these raging
feelings, but there’s nowhere to
escape. Jane’s out in the open.

Slowly, she lifts her head to the sky.

“Mom…” Jane sobs, the word leaving
her lips like a prayer.
Jane’s not asking for the world, she’s
not asking for some big, ridiculous
miracle from the sky. Jane’s asking for
understanding, for a little bit of
comfort, for someone to hold, Jane’s
not asking for this.

Pain.

Jane’s seen so much pain. She’s seen

cancer in her grandma’s eyes, has
seen how it ate her slowly apart, she’s
seen death and has felt it in her heart,
anger, resentment, she has been
through it all. Jane has seen a man hit
a woman, she’s seen violence and has
felt it upon herself like today.

Something so heavy weighs down on

her chest, and it all ends in one name
that sits on her tongue.

“Will…” Jane’s voice shakes.

Every few minutes, Jane opens her

mouth to scream and the tears burst
forth, violently and without mercy. It
wasn’t like in the movies Jane used to
watch with her mother when she was
much younger, when she was so much
more innocent and far less broken;
Jane’s cries has a rawness, the
realness of a person consumed by a
pain that knows no end or limit. Then
Jane goes quiet, just panting, catching
the remnants of her breath, tired of
screaming and crying.

Jane hears the quenching rain in her

ears as much as she feels the
coldness on her skin. The water runs
down in streams along her cheeks and
her chin, Jane’s never felt so cold on
the inside yet on the outside she’s
stopped shivering a long time ago.

Jane feels like she took a step back

from life, a step back from the pain
and trauma her body just went
through. By tomorrow morning, the
bruises would show their true colors
and imprint on her skin so that Jane
could never forget, not for days.

She doesn’t know how long she’s been

here, it’s like time itself has dissolved
into existence, yet for Jane, the clock
strikes louder than ever when a gentle,
soothing voice calls for her name.
Jane looks up, slowly.
“Will...”

It’s almost as if he’s an angel,

summoned here by the mere force of
Jane’s desolate cries.

Will’s breath is staggering in the

silence of the night, his chest heaving
like he’s been running for his life, his
wet fringe clinging to his forehead.

Jane opens her mouth, wants to say

something, anything, but every time
she tries, nothing comes out.

Her own father took her voice away.

From time to time Jane’s eyes drop to

the ground, too tired to hold her head
up.

“Jane…”

Will wants to rekindle Jane’s heat but

Jane’s insides are too damp with tears,
Will can see it in her eyes. Will always
knew Jane had pain inside, but now
when it’s visible on her face Will
seems to be lost on what to do.

Eventually, Will braves the silence.

“Jane. You need to come home.” He

crouches down by the ground, eyes
soft and gentle.

“I can’t go home, Will.” Jane says,

voice cracking. The fresh cut on her
cheek stings from the rain. Jane
wonders whether it came from the
wedding ring in her father's finger. “I
won’t go home.” She refuses firmly.
Jane will never go back there, and no
one can make her. She’d rather die.

Will inches closer wordlessly until he’s

settled himself between Jane’s legs,
bringing his hand up to start stroking
her’s knee with his thumb. Jane’s eyes
flicker to the large and warm hand on
her knee, then back to Will’s face.

Jane wants to be closer, but she holds

herself back.
“I don’t mean that terrible place.” Will
shakes his head after a moment,
looking into her eyes.

“What do you mean?” Jane asks in

frustration, she doesn’t understand,
she’s too tired to think, she doesn’t
want to play games or guess. “I-“

Will shushes her, pressing a finger on

her lips. “Be quiet and listen to me,
okay?”

Jane can’t do anything but nod.

Will closes his eyes takes a deep

breath in. When he looks back at Jane,
she sees determination in his eyes,
stronger than ever before and
suddenly it scares her.

“I’m not talking about that place where

your father mistreats you, where he
first laid a hand on you when he
shouldn’t have. I meant real home.”

Will smiles softly, face slightly flushed

and just for a moment, Jane’s brought
back to the past, to the shy boy who
hid behind her back from the group of
bullies back in sixth grade.

“With me.”

Jane’s heart begins to flutter inside

her chest, all the negative emotions
momentarily washed away and
forgotten. She fists the edge of the
bench, just, waiting, breath bated and
throat clogged.

When Jane doesn’t reply, Will

continues. “In that crappy apartment
you always come to when it gets too
hard there, with your father, where you
always drink that cheap coffee from
that cracked pokemon mug and where
you sleep in my arms on that IKEA bed
which’s old frame creaks every time
one of us moves. Where you see those
cockroaches in the corners and ask
me to catch them for you before they
make it to the bedroom. Your real
home.” Will chuckles.

“Home?” Jane croaks out, throat dry

from all the screaming and crying.

“Mhm.” Will nods with a smile. “Home.”

Jane smiles at Will then, a first,

genuine one in days.

Will decides to piggyback Jane back

to the apartment. Jane tells him he
doesn’t have to carry both of their
baggage on his shoulders, Will has
enough to deal with on his own and
Jane knows it, but Will refuses to
listen. His hands are wrapped around
Jane’s thighs as firmly as her hands
are wrapped around his neck, and
Jane feels warm despite the cold rain,
so warm she would probably fall
asleep if not for the fact that she’s
fighting against the lull at every step.

Will gently sits her down in the

bathroom and helps her out of her wet
clothes when they arrive to the
apartment, his fingers accidentally
brushing by Jane’s bare shoulders.
Jane shivers, from the touch and from
the look in Will’s eyes, when he can’t
stop staring at Jane like it’s the first
time Will really, truly sees her.

Will’s fingers caress the bruises

littered on Jane’s upper body, face
twisted in a frown. Anger, resentment,
fear; are all emotions that Jane
doesn’t see often, not when it comes
to Will, but they are as clear as a day
right then.

“It’s fine.” Jane tells him with a

whisper.
Will frowns. “Stop saying that.”
“I need to pick up some stuff-“
“No. We’ll make do with what we
have.” Will says, voice firm. “I have a
job, and you can borrow my clothes.
There’s food in the fridge, we have a
roof over our heads. You’ll never go
back there.”

“Really?” Jane chokes out.

Will nods with a smile. “Really.” He

says, leaning forward to grab a towel
and softly patting along Jane’s damp
hair with a heartfelt chuckle. Jane
smiles, feeling glad that Will can’t see
it with the piece of fabric blocking the
view.

When the towel eventually falls to her

shoulders and reveals Jane’s face; so
does every pretense. They stare at
each other for a long time. Will’s gaze
flickers to Jane’s bitten lips, eyes
darkening in pure want.

Jane wants it too.

So fucking much.

Will looks at her like he can’t contain

himself anymore, leaning forward.

Jane lets him, sucking a deep breath

in and closing her eyes.

Will presses his lips on the junction of

Jane’s neck and leaves a warm, sun-
kissed imprint on her skin.

Jane shivers involuntarily, letting out

the tiniest moan as she cranes her
neck, letting Will explore her however
he likes, bringing their faces closer.

Their noses brush by each other, and

just for a moment they breathe in, lips
connecting for the very first time as
Jane feels Will’s hands coming around
her to hold her in place, to ground her
right here, to this apartment and into
Will’s arms.
It’s just warmth after that.

Jane feels warm as they keep kissing

into the early morning, touches
lingering and words hushed between
their bated breaths.

Jane feels warm when she eventually

falls asleep in Will’s arms, head tucked
to his chest.

Jane feels warm when she finally gets

her buffy eyes open in the morning
and sees Will right there, close to her
side. There he lays, there Jane
remains, quietly and fondly, bringing
their hands together as Will strokes
her hair and searches for herlips, both
melting into the kiss.

The before, it begins like that. Sweet,

fond, and a long time coming, and
finally they make it.
Jane and Will make it, and it’s
wonderful.

Five years is a long time, but for Jane

and Will, it passes by in a blur.

It’s the space between the before and

the after, those five years, a space
where time seems to have halted in
place.
~
“Gross.”Nick fake-chokes and makes it
a point to frown as he comes across a
panting Jane sitting on the kitchen
counter, a disheveled and half-naked
Will slotted between her legs. “How
many times do I have to tell you to-“
“We have a room.” Jane rolls her eyes
at him fondly. “In fact, we have a whole
apartment while you have a sofa. Our
sofa. We can make out wherever we
want, whenever we want.”

Nick face palms the counter, tilting his

head and glaring at them with his
cheek squished against the
countertop. “I shouldn’t have agreed
to this. I just wanted a roof over my
head, not to live in some bad second
grade porno movie.”

“Yep.” Will replies cheekily, leaning

forward to kiss Jane again like he just
can’t get enough. “Better find that
apartment soon.”

“Can you move? You’re blocking my

way to the toaster.” Nick pouts.

“Soon.” Jane hums, fingers digging to

the muscles of Will’s back.

“Nope, I can’t, I quit.” Nick gives up,

leaving the kitchen with a loud whine.
Jane giggles into Will’s mouth,
catching his bottom lip between her
teeth and tugging roughly.

Will grimaces. “Ouch. Careful.”

“You deserve it!” A yell laced in

obvious bitterness echoes from the
living room.

Jane just smiles against Will’s mouth

and kisses him again.

The after starts with minor things.

Like Will forgetting to bring his keys
with him.
It isn’t anything new for Jane to
receive a call from him in the middle of
the day in the office. She’s already
smiling to herself as she tells Will to
wait for her - she’ll be on her way
soon.

When they meet in front of their

apartment Will is smiling
apologetically, thanking Jane with a
fond peck on his lips as he pushes her
out of the door and back into the
office. Jokes that someone has to
bring some food to their table.

He never forgets to pat Jane’s ass

either, and Jane always shakes her
head fondly.

Then Will forgets to feed Chisel. It isn’t

something Jane notices at first, but
when their apartment begins to be
littered in patches of fur they take her
to the vet immediately, the verdict
being the following; the cat is severely
malnourished and needs to be
properly fed.

The vet’s tone is accusing as he

mutters something under his breath.
Jane catches only two words and the
rest is blur; animal cruelty.

Jane curses the vet right then; they

both love Chisel, and they feed her.
Will remains calm as usual when Jane
rants all the way back to their
apartment, confused on what went
wrong.

Will says he’s been feeding her like

normal; he’s always home earlier than
Jane so it’s usually him who gives
Chisel the food, and Jane has no
reason to doubt what Will says.

When they get home Jane pours

Chisel’s cup full and watches her eat,
just in case. Will comes up from
behind her, attempting on squeezing
her under his weight as a joke, which
ends up with them fake wrestling to
the bedroom.

The case is closed, and the whole

ordeal slips far away from Jane’s mind,
she’s happy.

Jane is happy, until suddenly she’s

not. Not when Will forgets their sixth
year anniversary.

That’s when Jane finally pays notice.

They fight about it.

Jane can’t recall when they’ve last had

a fight that severe.

“I can’t believe you would do that!”

Will slams his fist to the table which

frightens Jane.

Will’s never violent because he knows

Jane doesn’t deal well with it. “Why
are you yelling at me? I can’t
remember every single anniversary or
birthday or whatever! Lay down will
you?!”

“It’s our anniversary, you dumb fuck,

not some useless name day!” Jane’s
shouts. She never curses, and Will’s
not dumb, far from it and Jane knows,
but she’s too sad to contain the words.

She can’t believe Will forgot their

anniversary.
Jane’s memories of her late mother
are faint and far between, but she
does remember the words she said to
her once upon a time.

Be careful of what you say, she told

her.

Because if you say whatever comes to

mind, it hurts, everything Jane says.

Betrayal’s written all over Will’s face,

and that’s when Jane sees that this
was all pointless.

“The fucking world doesn’t always

revolve around you.” Will hurls at her
angrily, storming out of the room.

Jane slumps down on the chair, crying

into her hands silently, and they don’t
speak for days.

Jane blames herself afterwards.

Her mother was right.

Jane blames herself at the moment

when the empty words of the doctor
blur into the background and
everything goes absolutely quiet.
Jane blames herself when Will
crumbles at their doorstep the
moment they return back home.
Jane blames herself when she realises
she’s never seen Will fall apart so
quickly. He has always been the one to
pick up the pieces not the one to
break apart.

“It’s okay.” Jane cards her fingers

through Will’s smooth locks, letting
the tears fall as she squeezes her eyes
shut, breathing in his scent.

Will has early-onset alzheimer’s.

—
Jane still remembers her father words,
saying she is nothing but weak.Yes,
Jane was weak because she wanted to
feel, decided to care, and chose the
love, because Jane had things and
people she cared about.

That made her weak.

Now, six years later; Jane finally

understands.
There was some sense; although
twisted, in her father’s words. Because
when you have something to lose, you
truly become weaker, it gets scarier
and it almost swallows you whole.

Jane watches as Will stands still in the

rain.
Will’s neck is craned, face greeting the
dark night sky and his eyes are closed,
his form so still one could think he’s
simply frozen in time.
But the time arrives for him to break
apart too, to be broken and when it
does Will doesn’t go down quietly, not
like one would think.

If Will loves like a hurricane he drowns

out like one too, sobbing and wailing in
such a desolate way his cries can be
heard from miles away.

Behind his pained shouts lies only

heartbreak, a call for help yet the
cavalry doesn’t arrive to save the day.
They’ve abandoned him.

Jane never left but she doesn’t know if

Will has. They haven’t spoken in days,
Will has shut down completely,
refusing to talk about it.

Jane can’t move an inch from the spot

she’s grounded herself into, hand
covering over his own mouth. Her eyes
sting from the tears that push through,
shoulders quivering violently and
without a break. She wants to cry out,
she wants to hold Will and tell him it’s
going to be okay.

She doesn’t.

Jane listens to the heartbreaking

sounds that escape from Will’s mouth,
one by one, as each and every single
one is set to the frequency to shatter
Jane’s heart like a bullet.

The two wailing and alone in the world

at their spots, with thousands of
things to stay.
Jane feels like the days drain away,
one after another. It’s like life has set
itself into a faster pace, a pace that
she struggles to keep up with.

It’s a new day, a new road, when Jane

comes home one friday night, seeing
Will sitting on the kitchen table. His
face is hidden in his hands, yet when
he hears Jane come, he lifts his head.

It feels too long since Will last looked

at her like that, looked straight into her
eyes. Jane feels there’s something
that’s missing, something that was
there before all of this happened. Will
gulps, loudly enough for Jane to hear,
time stands still and he speaks.

“We need to talk.” He says.

—

Jane can’t stay, so she runs away. She

runs away from the after that keeps
catching up with her.
Will comes after her.

He always does, Jane was dumb to

think he wouldn’t.

“Hold me properly.” Will chastises her

with a gentle voice as he’s
piggybacking her back home.

“I am.” Jane replies quietly, head

tucked to the junction of Will’s neck.
She’s too tired to argue. Jane’s too
tired to speak, so tired she just wants
time to stop. Jane’s tired of crying,
tired of fearing of losing Will.
Will is all she has, and Jane will lose
her soon.
“It’s okay.” Will whispers.

It’s not okay, Jane wants to say, wants

to scream, but something else comes
out of her mouth.
“What will I do when you forget about
me?”

Jane can feel Will lifting his head

towards the sky.

“You’ll keep living.” He whispers.

“You’ll let me go. Eventually. You don’t
want to, but you’ll have to. I won’t be
there anymore, but I’ll be okay.”

Jane bursts in sobs. Will is a liar. Jane

wants to tell him to stop lying, but
before she can say it Will continues to
speak.

“I’ll be okay. I won’t remember why it

hurts, I won’t hurt and I know it. So I
don’t want you to worry about me. I
want you to worry about yourself.”

It doesn’t matter whether Will

remembers or not, because Jane will
hurt for the both of them. Jane will
remember every moment and every
memory, every small minute that didn’t
feel important before all of this, but
does now.

“And somewhere above the clouds, to

where you can’t see to, I’ll be a tiny
fragment.” Will continues. His
shoulders begin to shake, and Jane
knows Will’s crying.

Jane closes her eyes and lets the tears

fall, tightening the hold around Will’s
neck and nuzzling his face closer to
comfort him.

Jane doesn’t want Will to be a

fragment. She wants him there for the
mornings and the nights, she wants
him there so they can grow old
together. She wants to hold Will’s hand
and know they lived a life worth living
and that they lived it together, Jane
doesn’t want to leave Will midway and
continue by herself.

Jane wants Will.

But she can’t have him.
Jane doesn’t want the after.

—
During the following year, things
change, and by change, it means that
things get worse.

At night, Jane and Will are huddled

close in their shared bed, arms
reaching and draped along the curves
of their exhausted forms. At night,
they are so close even the planets turn
to gaze at them, holding each other
tightly with their hearts laid out in the
open. At night, their touches are fond
and gazes gentle, words hushed and
emotions jagged. What Jane sees then
is what she breathes in; Will’s
comforting scent and presence, Jane
breathes in Will.

Then, Will is Jane’s and Jane is Will’s,

and nothing else matters.

Yet when the sun comes up all of it

disappears somewhere between the
bedroom door and the kitchen.
Heartfelt smiles turn passive and
touches do not linger, not in a way
they do when they are alone in the
dark. Just like that; coffee is poured
and another day has begun.

“Can you give me the file?”

“Sure.” Will reaches to the cabinet

where they keep all their important
papers. He rests his chin on her
shoulder. “When’s the meeting?”

Jane freezes.
She told that to him yesterday.
Will notices.

“Jane, it’s not the disease.” Will pulls

him into a suffocating hug. She sighs
into the hug, burying her face to the
junction of him neck and wrapping her
arms around his waist. They fit
together so perfectly it feels like a
dream.

Gentle. Soft. Safe. Comfortable. That

is Will.
They joke about it often - they live on
the sixth floor, and they’ve been
together for six years now. Seven
almost. It’s a long time, by anyone’s
standards.

They have reached somewhere, and

somewhere is beautiful and precious.
Somewhere, it’s where their love
resides. Somewhere is where Jane can
come home after a long day and curl
to her boyfriend’s side without a word,
it’s where Jane can forget and exist as
herself.

“Stop!” Jane swats Will’s hand away

from hovering above her ass, taking
his hand and yanking him to the
elevator.

“You love it.” Will teases, reaching for

the buttons as he suddenly freezes in
place.

Jane leans down to look at his face,

frowning. “What’s wrong?”

Will looks at her, long enough for her

to panic.

“What floor do we live in?”

Jane breaks down crying, and the next

morning, they call their lawyer.

They set realities on the table. They

spent hours arranging Will’s financial
house, they double check everything,
write down his bank account
information, everything, while he still
able to tell them. Jane accepts her role
as a caregiver, signs the papers
without hesitating for a second.

They should have done this a long

time ago, but Jane supposes late is
better than never.

She knows Will must feel helpless, and

they are offered counseling. The
doctors say the earlier stages might
last for years, which means that they
still have time.

Jane and Will have time.

“Jans, baby, can you bring me my

phone?”

“Sure.”She tells him, reluctantly

lowering down the humongous jar of
strawberry yogurt he’s been devouring
for the last hour. As she walks to the
counter to fetch his phone, Jane
notices a handwritten note, tucked to
the backside of Will’s see-through
phone case. It used to house a
polaroid of them. She leans in to see
what it says, curious.
Feed Chisel and pet her.

Wash the dishes if there are any.

Make coffee at 5 pm.
Switch the lights off before bed.
Will’s made himself a list.

A list of things to do, in case he

forgets. A list of things that have
always been a part of their lives,
things that Jane finds mundane and
easy to do.
Easy to remember.

It isn’t until she sees the last

sentence, when her heart plummets in
her chest.

Tell Jane you love her.

Jane takes the phone and walks to the

bedroom, handing it over to Will who’s
reading a book on the bed.

“Thanks-“ Will begins, frowning as he

notices the look on Jane’s face.
“Hey…” He tugs on her arm, pulling her
closer. “What’s wrong?”

“Tell me you love me.” Jane says.

Will looks at her, blinking. A thin, yet

warm smile stretches and stains his
lips. “I love you.” He breathes out.

“Again.” Jane demands.

“I love you.” Will pulls her to his chest,

pressing a fond kiss on her forehead.

Next, a whisper. “Again please.”

“I love you. More than anything.”

Jane fists her hands on Will’s sweater,

burrowing deeper into his arms. His
hand comes up to stroke her hair, and
Jane falls asleep somewhere between
the clouds in the sky and their living
room floor.

Jane can be the person who feeds

Chisel.
She can wash the dishes, it doesn’t
matter.

She can switch the lights off before

they head to bed.

But…
Jane can’t become the love that Will
is.
The after crashes down on them three
years after the diagnosis.

Jane’s writhing under him, beautiful

and lewd, mouth slightly open as she
moans every time Will’s thrusts inside.
Jane kisses his face, jaw, shoulders,
everywhere she can reach, love and
pleasure mixed and intertwined. Their
hands are locked above her head,
fingers threaded together like their
hearts are, and it’s beautiful.

It’s beautiful, until it isn’t.

Because suddenly, Will goes still, and

before Jane can ask, she realises he is
crying.

“Will, baby. What’s wrong?” She takes

his face into her hands, circling his
thumbs along the dampened skin of
his cheeks.

“I…” Will chokes on his tears, looking

around with panicked eyes. “Oh god.”
He cries. “I can’t- I can’t- why… why, I
can’t-“

“Hey, baby, breathe. You can’t what?”

Jane asks him calmly.

Will sniffs. “I love you- I know I do, I

know I love you so much, more than
anything but…” He wipes at his teary
eyes, struggling to speak.
“I can’t remember your name.”

That’s when Jane realises they have

arrived; to the after, and it’s brutal.
—
On good days, Will remembers her.
On bad days, he knows she is
someone who matters to him.

On the worst days, he can’t remember

Jane at all.
Jane thought they had more time.
They have had almost four years
where Will only struggled with minor
things, but when he starts to feel like a
stranger in their own house, she
doesn’t know what to do.

“I’m your girlfriend! Calm down, Will!”

Will’s frantic, struggling against Jane’s
hold but he’s stronger,
bigger,dangerous, when this out of
control. “No! I don’t have a girlfriend!
What are you doing in my house?!”

Nick and Stella come to visit the next

morning. Both of them stare at the
darkening patch in Jane’s arm, but
don’t comment on it, and she is glad
about it.

Nick looks thoughtful. “Jane, maybe

it’s time to-“

“No!” Jane springs up from the kitchen

table. “Whatever nursing home shit
you’re suggesting, better drop it right
fucking now!”

She hears Nick getting up,

approaching her and laying his hand
on her shoulder carefully.

“We’re your friends.” Nick says quietly.

“But Will is also our friend. We’re not
talking about a stranger here.”

Stella’s been quiet the whole time, and

then she speaks. “It’s better this way.”

It’s not, and Jane hates the fact that

they’re right.
—

If someone asked Jane about the best

and the worst day of her life, she
would name one day.
One day, that was the most beautiful,
yet the most heartbreaking out of
them all.

Four years after the diagnosis, on a

tuesday night, Will approaches her.

“It’s one of my older phones.” Will

explains, avoiding eye contact.

“And what I’m supposed to do with it?”

Jane asks, confused.

“It’s-“ Will flushes, struggling with

whatever he’s about to say next. “It’s
not the phone, there’s a message. I
recorded it. For you.” He looks up to
meet her eyes, earnest and heart wide
open.
Oh.

“Should I listen to it now?” Jane

teases, reaching for the phone and
snatching it from his hand before Will
speaks.

”Don’t, it’s embarrassing!” He whines,

chasing her across the living room in
an attempt to get the phone back.
Jane climbs to the sofa, fingers
grasped around the device,
accidentally pressing start.

“Hi baby.” Will’s gentle voice echoes

from the speaker of the phone.

In the room, there descends an

absolute stillness. No air stirs the
grass or the leaves in the trees just
outside their balcony, no clouds drift in
the sea of blue above their heads. No
water drips or flows, and Jane feels
like even her own breath seems to die
as soon as it leaves his mouth. It’s an
eerie sort of tranquility, it’s as if Will
and Jane both, just like the world
around them, are suddenly encased in
a cocoon, and there’s no way out.

All that remains, is the familiar

sounding, sharp yet slightly broken
inhale of breath that lingers in the
tensed air and ten folds in seconds,
coming from the phone Jane’s
grasping tightly inside her palm.

“It’s me, or well, obviously you know

that“ Will clears his throat, quietly
chuckling to himself. “I have to admit,
I’m a bit nervous. I want to make this
good. So, let’s begin.”

“Everything ends eventually. I know I

sound a tad dramatic here, maybe
even awkward, but bear with me. You
know how I am.” Will laughs.

“Everyone is born to let go, and every

road leads to the end. Life and death, I
guess they have always gone hand in
hand, I just haven’t noticed. That’s
why, I’m recording this, I guess. For
you.”

Jane feels like crying.

It’s as if the ground swallows her

whole, depriving her of the gravity and
the strength that holds her up, and
she slumps to the edge of their sofa,
blinking. From the corner of her eye
Jane can see Will moving as he climbs
over her, pulling her between his legs,
close to his chest, hands locking over
Jane’s form without another word.

“Because you gave me a dream, the

most amazing journey.”

Jane tightens her hold around the

device.
“I wonder whether you’ll be there
when I end up- well… there. When I
arrive. Whenever that will be. I wonder
if it’s a place where I can touch you
again, where I’ll still remember you.”
Will’s voice cracks.

Jane’s heart makes a similar sound.

Tears begin to wallow in her eyes, and

the sting intensifies with every
second, with every breath Jane takes
in Will’s arms.

“And when soon, when the time that

arrives that’s too soon for you and just
a heartbeat for me, when it gets cold
and when the colors disappear, is
there an infinity I get to spend with
you, I wonder? Is my reward going to
be madness, or-“

Will’s voice gets smaller then, and it’s

the smallest she ever heard him, and it
absolutely breaks her apart.

“Or is it a permission to forget?” Will

chokes on his words.

“Did- did I ever tell you? How much I

loved the moments you gave me. How
much it meant to me when you opened
up to me. How much I loved-“
Jane takes a deep breath in, closing
her eyes and lets go.

“How much I love you, Jane Arnold.”

Tears burst forth from Jane’s eyes, her
shoulders begin to shake in violent
bursts and she wails, trashing in place
as Will holds her tight, tighter than
ever before, he doesn’t let her escape
or hide.

Panic takes over and Jane can’t feel

anything, yet she feels everything at
the same time.

Will’s leaving her.

He is going to leave her, way too soon

and it hits her all at once.

“Jane…” he whispers into her ear,

kissing her hair. Jane grasps the arm
that’s secured around her, fingers
digging to Will’s skin as she cries.

Jane doesn’t want to hear the rest, it

hurts too much, yet she does nothing
to stop the recording.
“Today’s another day, another road.
You’re still asleep. You look cute. I’m
trying to fight, but time keeps taking
my yesterday away, and I can’t go
back, no matter how much I want to.
That’s why I’m recording this now,
when I can still remember.”

“Do you remember what you told me

the night we fought? You told me you
can’t believe how I’m still believing in
love. But how could I not? How could I
not believe in love when you wake up
next to me, when I get to kiss that
pout away from your lips, when I get to
hold you in my arms?”

It hurts.

“I want to ask you something. I want to

be selfish, just this time.”

It hurts so fucking much.

“I want you to hold on baby. Just for a

bit more. For one more day. For one
more morning in bed, when I’m holding
you and when you’re drooling on my
chest. One more evening, when I’ve
made coffee by the time you get
home, for one more movie night when
you’re curled close to my side.”

“I’ll dry your tears.”

The Will on the other side of the line

can barely speak.

Jane can barely breathe.

“As long as I can.”

“And when I can’t, your tears will wet

our beautiful garden that was the life
we shared together.”
“I love you.”

“I love you.” Will says.

Jane breathes in, breathes in the after.
“I love you too.”

In that moment when Jane’s gasping

for air, gasping for Will and missing
him more than ever before even
though he’s right there with her, that’s
when she arrives to the conclusion, in
the deep pit of despair she’s gotten
herself into.

For Jane, there will always be only two

lives; before and after Will.

That’s the worst, and the best day of

her life, a one Jane will remember for a
lifetime, even after Will is... gone.

One year later.

“Ah, welcome back!”

“I don’t know how I feel about these

flowers.” Jane frowns.

“They are beautiful.” Comes the reply.

“Thank you.” Jane smiles to the nurse

politely, following her through the
hallway. She opens the door.

Jane takes a deep breath in, brushing

her hand by her cheek when a lone
tear tracks down.

“Hi! How are you today?”

“Who are you?” A voice asks.

Jane breathes in, closing her eyes.

“Hi I am Jane, Will” Jane sits on the

bed, looking at the love of her life. She
gulps, fighting against the three words
that mean the world to her. Instead,
she says;

“I’m a friend.”

—end