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 THE ART OF
COMMUNICATION
 ALSO BY RANDY FUJISHIN
The Natural Speaker
Creating Effective Groups
Natural Bridges: A Guide to Interpersonal Communication
Gifts from the Heart: 10 Ways to Improve Your Relationships
Discovering the Leader Within
Your Ministry of Conversation
 THE ART OF
COMMUNICATION

Improving Your Fundamental

Communication Skills
Fourth Edition

Randy Fujishin

ROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD

Lanham • Boulder • New York • London
Published by Rowman & Littlefield
An imprint of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.
4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200, Lanham, Maryland 20706
www.rowman.com

86-90 Paul Street, London EC2A 4NE

Copyright © 2023 by The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.

First edition 2001. Second edition 2009. Third edition 2016.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any
electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval
systems, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who
may quote passages in a review.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Fujishin, Randy, author.
Title: The art of communication : improving your fundamental communication
skills / Randy Fujishin.
Description: Fourth Edition. | Lanham : Rowman & Littlefield, [2022] | Includes
bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2022018303 (print) | LCCN 2022018304 (ebook) | ISBN
9781538164464 (cloth : alk. paper) | ISBN 9781538164471 (paperback : alk.
paper) | ISBN 9781538164488 (ebook)
Classification: LCC P90 .F783 2022 (print) | LCC P90 (ebook) | DDC 153.6—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022018303
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022018304

The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of

American National Standard for Information Sciences—Permanence of Paper for
Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.
 For Vicky,
My gift in this lifetime
 Contents

Cover
Half Title
Title
Copyright
Dedication
Contents
Preface
CHAPTER 1 The Art of Communication
THE ART OF COMMUNICATION
THE PROCESS OF COMMUNICATION
VERBAL AND NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION
COMPONENTS OF COMMUNICATION
MODELS OF COMMUNICATION
PERCEPTION
PRINCIPLES OF COMMUNICATION
DO YOU ENLARGE OR DIMINISH OTHERS?
YOUR SELF-CONCEPT
HOW SELF-CONCEPT DEVELOPS
SPEAKING TO YOURSELF
 SOCIAL MEDIA’S INFLUENCES ON SELF-CONCEPT
SKILLS PRACTICE
THINKING AND EXPLORING

CHAPTER 2 Verbal Communication

VERBAL COMMUNICATION
PRINCIPLES OF VERBAL COMMUNICATION
I-STATEMENTS—OWNING YOUR LANGUAGE
THE FOUR LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION
SELF-DISCLOSURE
GENDER DIFFERENCES IN CONVERSATIONAL STYLES
GUIDELINES FOR EFFECTIVE VERBAL COMMUNICATION
MICROAGGRESSIONS AND SAFEGUARDS
MICROAFFIRMATION AND BUILDING UP OTHERS
SKILLS PRACTICE
THINKING AND EXPLORING

CHAPTER 3 Nonverbal Communication

NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION
PRINCIPLES OF NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION
TYPES OF NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION
GUIDELINES FOR EFFECTIVE NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION
SKILLS PRACTICE
THINKING AND EXPLORING

CHAPTER 4 Listening
THE IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING
THE PROCESS OF LISTENING
LISTENING STYLES TO AVOID
BARRIERS TO LISTENING
ACCEPTANCE—THE BASIS OF LISTENING
ACTIVE LISTENING
FOUR TYPES OF QUESTIONS
GUIDELINES FOR EFFECTIVE LISTENING
SKILLS PRACTICE
 THINKING AND EXPLORING

CHAPTER 5 Intercultural Communication

CREATING SPACIOUS COMMUNICATION
COMPONENTS OF CULTURE
CHARACTERISTICS OF CULTURE
VERBAL AND NONVERBAL CULTURAL VARIABLES
GUIDELINES FOR MORE EFFECTIVE INTERCULTURAL COMMUNICATION
INCLUSIVE LANGUAGE
SKILLS PRACTICE
THINKING AND EXPLORING

CHAPTER 6 Relationship Communication

THREE KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS
THE CIRCULAR STAGES OF RELATIONSHIPS
PRINCIPLES OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
BEST RELATIONSHIP INTERVIEW
CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
CREATING HEALTHY SELF-DISCLOSURE
MAINTAINING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP CONFLICTS
QUESTIONS THAT CAN BRING INSIGHT INTO CONFLICT
GUIDELINES FOR RESOLVING CONFLICT
QUESTIONS THAT CAN DEEPEN RELATIONSHIPS
FORGIVENESS
SKILLS PRACTICE
THINKING AND EXPLORING

CHAPTER 7 Small-Group Communication

WORKING IN SMALL GROUPS
ELEMENTS OF A PROBLEM-SOLVING GROUP
CHARACTERISTICS OF GROUPS
DECISION-MAKING TECHNIQUES
THE STANDARD PROBLEM-SOLVING AGENDA
RESEARCHING FOR A DISCUSSION
 GUIDELINES FOR EFFECTIVE GROUPS
BEING A MORE EFFECTIVE ONLINE GROUP MEMBER
SKILLS PRACTICE
THINKING AND EXPLORING

CHAPTER 8 Small-Group Leadership

DEFINITION OF LEADERSHIP
THE FUNCTION OF GROUP LEADERSHIP
TASK-GUIDING BEHAVIORS
SOCIAL-GUIDING BEHAVIORS
LEADERSHIP STYLES
LEADING AN EFFECTIVE MEETING
FACILITATING VIRTUAL GROUP MEETINGS
LEADERSHIP HEALTH
DEVELOPING LEADERSHIP IN OTHERS
SKILLS PRACTICE
THINKING AND EXPLORING

CHAPTER 9 Public Speaking

PUBLIC SPEAKING
GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION TO SPEAK
DETERMINING YOUR SPECIFIC PURPOSE
ANALYZING THE SPEAKING SITUATION
RESEARCHING YOUR SPEECH
ORGANIZING YOUR SPEECH
CREATING YOUR SPEECH OUTLINE
BEING AN ETHICAL SPEAKER
SPEAKER DELIVERY
PRACTICING YOUR SPEECH
GUIDELINES FOR DELIVERING A SPEECH
SKILLS PRACTICE
THINKING AND EXPLORING

CHAPTER 10 Informative and Persuasive Speaking

INFORMATIVE SPEECHES
 INFORMATIVE STRATEGY GOALS
BASIC INFORMATIVE SPEECH STRUCTURES
PERSUASIVE SPEECHES
PERSUASIVE GOALS
THE PROPOSITION
THREE MEANS OF PERSUASION
BASIC PERSUASIVE SPEECH STRUCTURES
QUESTION-AND-ANSWER SESSION
GUIDELINES FOR SUCCESSFUL SPEAKING
IMPROMPTU SPEAKING
SKILLS PRACTICE
THINKING AND EXPLORING

CHAPTER 11 Interviewing
INTERVIEWING
THE INFORMATION-GATHERING INTERVIEW
THE EMPLOYMENT INTERVIEW
GUIDELINES FOR IN-PERSON INTERVIEWING
GUIDELINES FOR AN ONLINE INTERVIEW
SKILLS PRACTICE
THINKING AND EXPLORING

CHAPTER 12 Technology and Communication

TECHNOLOGY AND COMMUNICATION
HOW TECHNOLOGY AFFECTS COMMUNICATION
WAYS TO REDUCE YOUR DIGITAL ADDICTION
IMPROVING YOUR FACE-TO-FACE CONVERSATIONS
SKILLS PRACTICE
THINKING AND EXPLORING

Selected Bibliography
About the Author
 Preface

One word can change a conversation. One tender touch can soften
an argument. One smile can invite a friendship. One angry word
withheld can save a relationship. And one conversation can change a
life.
As an instructor of communication studies and as a family
therapist, I have witnessed how the way you communicate and
interact with those around you determines, to a great extent, the
kind of person you become and the life you experience. No single
factor is more important in determining the nature of your
relationships and the quality of your life than your ability to
communicate effectively with others.
Each chapter in this book addresses a specific dimension of your
daily communication in your personal and professional life and the
skills necessary to effectively speak, listen, and interact with others.
The purpose of this book is to provide you with the knowledge and
skills to communicate in the most important areas of your life.

NEW TO THIS EDITION

New to this fourth edition are sections dealing with communication
in this digital age. Social media influences on self-concept,
facilitating virtual group meetings, being a more effective online
group member, guidelines for an online interview, and ways to
reduce your digital addiction have been added to help you become
more proficient and productive in your digital communication. New
sections have been added to help you become more sensitive and
inclusive in your communication. Inclusive language,
microaggressions and safeguards, microaffirmations and building up
others, and giving yourself permission to speak are new sections
that provide information and skills that make you more inclusive in
your interactions with others. And finally, new sections on developing
leadership in others, questions that can deepen relationships, and
questions that can bring insight into conflict have been added to this
fourth edition to increase your communication impact with others.
It is my hope that after reading this book, you will know how to
communicate in ways that will improve your personal relationships,
interact more effectively with people of different cultures, enhance
your participation and leadership in groups, develop your public
speaking skills, and strengthen your interviewing abilities. By
understanding and developing these new concepts and skills, you
will experience a more productive and meaningful life with The Art of
Communication.
I would like to thank my senior acquisitions editor, Natalie
Mandziuk, for giving me the opportunity to publish this fourth edition
of The Art of Communication. I deeply appreciated Natalie’s wisdom,
guidance, and cheerful friendship during this entire process. Special
thanks to Sylvia Landis, assistant acquisitions editor, for her
insightful and encouraging guidance on this project.
I want to thank Steve Richmond for his friendship over the years
and to my mother, Helen Fujishin, for her cheerful, godly example.
And finally, I would like to express my deepest love and appreciation
to my wife, Vicky, our sons, Tyler and Jared, my daughter-in-loves,
Lauren and Aurora, and my grandson, Asher. They have created a
loving home for me in this world.

Randy Fujishin
 ONE
The Art of Communication

The highest art we create is the way we

live each day.
—BALINESE SAYING

It was just another class assignment for Karen, but it changed her
life.
The first homework assignment I give my communication
students is to be more spacious—more accepting and nonjudgmental
—in their conversational listening. I coach them to punctuate their
daily conversations with periods of silence as they listen to others.
Rather than verbally interrupt a speaker with judgment, advice,
encouragement, or questions every twelve seconds, which seems to
be the norm for my students, they are to listen without any
interruptions for thirty seconds or more, whatever students feel is
appropriate for the speaker, the topic, and the flow of the discussion.
 “I thought this assignment would be boring—to listen so long
without saying anything,” Karen began. “But I tried it out on my
mom last night and it was wonderful! I would normally interrupt her
after a few seconds, give my opinion, and then just walk away.
“But last night was different! I let her talk for longer periods of
time without interrupting, just like we practiced in class. At times, I
kept quiet for thirty seconds, and one or two minutes at other times.
Sometimes even longer. It was so weird. But she really opened up
during our talk. In fact, she talked about things I’ve never heard
before—about Dad, her job, and how she feels about me.”
“So, your mom said things she normally wouldn’t tell you?” I
asked.
“I think she’s always wanted to say these things, but I was the
one who wasn’t listening,” Karen admitted. “This assignment forced
me to pay attention to her for a change. I feel liked I’ve created a
whole new relationship with her.”
“What a wonderful creation,” I said.
“I feel like I made something really important happen.”
“Almost like an artist,” I chuckled.
“Yeah, I’m getting good at this art of communication!” she
smiled.

THE ART OF COMMUNICATION

Whether or not you realize it, you are an artist, and your life is the
canvas on which you will create your greatest work. Your most
important creation will not be a painting, a sculpture, or a book.
Rather, it will be the person you become during this lifetime.
Your greatest work will ultimately find its form and structure in
the blending of the broad-brush strokes of your family, relationships,
career, and education. More important, it will be textured and
imbued with the thousands upon thousands of finer, more delicate
brush strokes of every word and action you paint each day on the
canvas of your life.
 It will be these smaller brush stokes during your everyday life—
the way you treat your loved ones, the manner in which you interact
with people at school, work, and in your neighborhood, and even the
way you greet strangers—that will most significantly determine the
kind of person you become.
The art of communication helps you create the atmosphere
within which your interactions with others occur. Whether it’s a quick
smile to a stranger, a heartfelt speech at a wedding reception, or a
minute of attentive silence when a loved one is speaking, you are
creating the masterpiece of your life moment by moment.
Now, you may be saying to yourself that “I’m no artist” or “Art is
for those who are trained or gifted.” But that’s not true. We are all
creative, often consciously selecting the words, behaviors,
circumstances, responses, and attitudes we bring to our
communication interactions with the people in our lives.
Every day you talk, listen, and interact with others. Most of the
time, you speak, listen, text, or tweet more out of habit than
anything else, not even vaguely aware of your role in the
communication process. But I’m inviting you not only to become
more aware and skilled in those fundamental communication skills,
but also to become more creative in the ways in which you think,
speak, listen, and interact with others, whether it’s in a face-to-face
interaction or with your mobile communications. If you don’t, you
may be limiting your opportunities to effectively connect with people.
You may even be limiting your opportunities to develop as a person.
Author Thomas Moore warns against our reluctance and maybe
even our fears of becoming more creative in our everyday lives:
“When we leave art only to the accomplished painter and the
museum, instead of fostering our own artful sensibilities in every
aspect of daily life, then our lives lose opportunities for soul.” Rather
than being unconscious, unconcerned, or disillusioned about how
you communicate with others, take up this invitation to practice the
art of communication as you interact with others.
Your acceptance, however, to create more effective
communication will not necessarily guarantee success in every
interaction. Human communication is much too complicated and
involved. There are thousands of unconscious nonverbal behaviors
involved in even a single conversation and we are usually aware of
only a few of them during the course of the conversation.
The same holds true for the verbal dimension of that same
conversation. The hundreds of thousands of words in our language
and the millions of possible arrangements of those words are equally
staggering. There is no possible way we can consciously choose the
perfect words and the perfect sentences for every thought and
feeling we wish to communicate.
Verbal and nonverbal communications are also governed by
habit. It is easier to say hello and smile as we pass others than it is
to create a unique and special greeting for each and every person.
Effective communication requires that much of our interaction with
others be governed by habit. Otherwise, communication would be
too dense, clumsy, and overwhelming. Even if we could select the
perfect words, sentences, and behaviors to communicate, there is no
guarantee that the recipient of the message would interpret the
words and the behaviors in the way we intended.
The process of human communication cannot be as intentional
and predictable as the brush strokes on canvas or the careful
shaping of clay. We cannot control the viewers’ interpretation when
they “see” our painting or statue. But in communication with others,
you can choose to be more aware of, sensitive to, and selective of
your words and behaviors. Your decision to consciously participate in
the way you speak and listen to others will open the doors to more
effective communication. As Karen learned, even one change in her
communication behavior—listening without interrupting—created
more space for her mother to share. This one change created a
wonderful change in their relationship. She was introduced to the
fact that she can choose to communicate in ways that enhance her
interaction with others. Karen was beginning to appreciate the
power and impact of the Art of Communication.

THE PROCESS OF COMMUNICATION

Let’s begin with an examination of communication itself, for it is
communication that enables us to experience our lives and share
experiences with others. The late-night talks, the laughter, the
gentle touches, the tears, the encouragement, your Facebook page,
and the thousands upon thousands of other communication acts all
combine to create what you experience as life. Our communication
with others is not a little thing. It is life itself.

All the arts we practice are mere apprenticeship. The big art is our
life.
—M. C. RICHARDS

The importance of communication cannot be overstated. Family

therapist Virginia Satir has suggested that “once a human being has
arrived on this earth, communication is the single most important
factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes and what
happens to him in the world.” Satir continues by stating in no
uncertain terms that “how he manages his survival, how he develops
intimacy, and how he makes sense of his world are largely
dependent upon his communication skills.”
So, what exactly is communication? Let’s define communication
in a way that emphasizes your creative involvement in the
communication process. Communication is the process whereby we
create and exchange messages.

A Process
Any activity can be viewed as a thing or a process. A thing is static,
time bound, and unchanging. A process is moving, continually
changing, with no beginning or end. In our definition,
communication is a process—something that is continually changing.
Individual words, sentences, and gestures have no meaning in
isolation. They make sense only when viewed as parts of an
ongoing, dynamic process.
 To fully understand the process of communication, we must
notice how what we say and do influences and affects what the
other person says and does. We must pay attention to the changes
we experience and how these changes influence and affect our
perception, interpretation, and interactions with others, from
moment to moment, year to year, and decade to decade.
Similarly, we also need to be sensitive to the ongoing changes in
those we communicate with because they are changing too.
Communication is alive, and to fully appreciate it requires that we
view it as a dynamic, fluid, and continually changing process.

Creating Messages
Language in any culture contains thousands if not hundreds of
thousands of words to select from and arrange in endless
combinations to form the basic structures of verbal communication.
There are even subtler and not so subtle nonverbal (or
nonlanguage) communication behaviors that can be added to the
mix.
It is our ability to create messages from the verbal and nonverbal
dimensions of communication that truly distinguishes us from all
other forms of life. Our ability to communicate not only is the most
significant way humans differ from animals and plants, but it also
may be one of the deepest and strongest drives within us—to
express and share who we are. What more powerful and significant
way to express who and what we are than by communicating our
thoughts and feelings with others?

Exchanging Messages
After selecting the words, sentences, and nonverbal cues to form the
thought or feeling we are attempting to communicate, we send the
message to the recipient, who processes the message and gives a
response in the form of feedback. The recipient’s role in the
communication process is also a creative process, because what he
or she selectively perceives and interprets from the original message
will determine the meaning of the message for him or her. The
message recipient then creates a response from all the words and
nonverbal behaviors available, whether it’s during a face-to-face
interaction or on your smart device. Receiving and creating a
response is just as important as creating and sending the original
message.

VERBAL AND NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION

The communication process has two forms—verbal and nonverbal.
Both forms usually operate together in the majority of messages you
send and receive.
Verbal communication is all spoken and written communication. A
mother whispering reassuring words to a child, a speaker addressing
an audience of five thousand, a worker texting her supervisor, or a
sunbather reading a book on the beach is utilizing verbal
communication.
Nonverbal communication is all communication that is not spoken
or written. It is your body type, voice, facial expressions, gestures,
movement, clothing, email fonts, and touch. It is your use of
distance, use of time, and the environment you create. It is your
laughter, your tears, your gentle touch, your relaxed breathing, the
car you drive, your Instagram images, and the color of your pen. All
these things and countless others make up your nonverbal
communication.
Verbal communication and nonverbal communication enable you
and me to communicate. They provide all that is necessary for the
process of connecting, and it is our privilege to use them creatively,
effectively, and meaningfully.

COMPONENTS OF COMMUNICATION
Even though the following seven components of communication
operate almost instantaneously, we will examine them separately to
more clearly understand their specific function. The seven
components are source, message, receiver, encoding, channel,
decoding, and context.

Source
The source is the originator of the message. It is the person or
persons who want to communicate a message to another person or
a group of people. The source of a message can be an individual
speaker addressing a group, a child asking for candy, a couple
sending out invitations to a family reunion, or a person writing a
letter.

Message
The message is the idea, thought, or feeling that the source wants
to communicate. This message is encoded or converted into verbal
and nonverbal symbols that will most likely be understood by the
receiver.

Receiver
The receiver is the recipient of the message. The receiver can be an
individual, a group of people, or two hundred friends on Facebook.
Once the receiver hears the words and receives the nonverbal cues
from the sender, she must interpret or decode them if
communication is to occur.

Encoding
Once the source has decided on a message to communicate, he
must encode or convert that idea, thought, or feeling into verbal and
nonverbal symbols that will be most effectively understood by the
receiver. This encoding process can be extremely creative because
there are unlimited ways for the source to convert the idea or feeling
into words and behaviors.
Consider a simple message such as “I want to see you again.”
The source can simply say, “I want to see you again,” and smile as
he says the words. He can also say, “Let’s get together again,” and
cast a humorous glance, or he can murmur, “I need to see you
again,” with direct eye contact and outstretched arms. He could
simply scribble a note on a napkin saying, “We need an encore,” and
place it gently in front of the other person. There are countless ways
to encode this simple message and each one would be received and
interpreted by the recipient in a slightly different way.
The important thing to remember is that you can open yourself
up to the endless possibilities of selecting, arranging, and delivering
messages you want to communicate. Your willingness to put greater
creativity into the encoding process will enhance and deepen your
communication with others.

Channel
A channel is the medium by which the message is communicated.
The source can utilize the channels of sight, sound, touch, smell,
and taste. For instance, if you want to communicate affection for
another person, you can utilize a variety of channels or combination
of channels. You can say, “I like you” (sound). You can give a hug
(touch). You can wink an eye (sight). You can send cookies that you
baked (taste). Or you can deliver a dozen roses (smell). You can
creatively select the channels of communication to productively
communicate your message.

Decoding
Decoding is the process of making sense out of the message
received. The receiver must decipher the language and behaviors
sent by the source so they will have meaning. After the receiver
decodes the message, the receiver (now the source) can encode a
return message and send it back to the other person.

Context
All communication occurs within a certain context. The context is
made up of the physical surroundings, the occasion in which the
communication occurs, the time, the number of people present,
noise level, and many other variables that can influence and affect
the encoding and decoding of messages. The context plays an
important role in the communication process.
As you consider the effects that the context can have on
communication, you might want to put your creativity to good use.
Think of ways you can create a serene, healthy, and productive
communication environment. Simple things like choosing a time
when you both have an opportunity to meet. Making the actual
physical surroundings clean, uncluttered, and peaceful. Maybe
straightening up the house, buying some flowers to cheer the place
up, and even putting on some soothing background music. Perhaps
a drive in the country or a walk in a park, rather than an email or
text message, will create a more relaxed context in which you can
communicate more effectively. Whatever you do, remember that you
can have some influence over the context in which communication
occurs within your life.

MODELS OF COMMUNICATION
Models provide a concrete way to see how concepts and processes
work. We’ll look at three communication models that show how the
various communication components interact. Although models help
simplify the complex process of communication, keep in mind that
they only represent reality.
Models are like words. Words are not reality. They cannot tell us
everything about an object or event. For instance, the word “apple”
is not an actual apple. You cannot slice or eat the word “apple” as
you can a real one. The word “apple” does not tell you everything
about an apple either—the smell, the coloring, the texture, the taste,
the degree of ripeness, and whether or not the price sticker is still
glued to the skin.
Like words, these three models of communication are not reality.
They cannot begin to tell us everything about the processes they are
intended to describe. However, they are extremely valuable in
helping us visualize and understand the process of human
communication.
Linear Model
One of the simplest models of communication was advanced by C. E.
Shannon and W. Weaver in 1949. Their conceptualization represents
a message-centered view of communication that is linear in design.
This model has a source sending a message through a channel to a
receiver, a process similar to a telephone. Shannon and Weaver
introduced a component labeled noise to represent any interference
to the fidelity of the message, such as physical noise from other
people’s loud talking or internal noise such as multiple meanings for
a word contained in the message. The linear model of
communication, shown below, is a “one-way” model because it fails
to depict the receiver’s feedback or response.

The linear model is useful for pointing out the basic elements of
the communication process, but it is far too simple to describe the
complexity of the process. It shows only the flow of messages from
the sender to the receiver, but not the receiver’s response.

Interactional Model
Communication involves more than the message transmission
portrayed in the linear model. The feedback must be taken into
account. Feedback is the process of sending information from the
receiver back to the source. The source uses this feedback to adjust
her message based on what the receiver communicated. The
source’s modification of the original message is called adaptation.
The illustration below shows how feedback and adaptation operate
in the interactional model of communication. The source sends a
message to the receiver, the receiver responds with feedback, and
the source adapts her message until the message is successfully
communicated.

Again, this model is too simple to accurately reflect the

communication process.

Transactional Model
Often, messages are sent and received simultaneously, and the
“source” and “receiver” may be one or more individuals. In fact,
these individuals are more accurately described as communicators,
individuals who simultaneously send and receive messages. This is
one of the primary characteristics of the transactional model of
communication.
The most important idea of the transactional model is that
communication operates systemically. A system is a collection of
interdependent parts arrayed in such a way that a change in one of
its components will affect changes in all the other components. In
the transactional model, the various components or parts of
communication are not viewed as independent of one another, but
as interdependent. A change in one produces a change in all the
others.
The systemic view presented in the transactional model, shown
below, includes the basic components of the first two models, yet
also considers the context in which communication occurs, the
number of people involved, the background of those individuals, and
the simultaneity of the source and receiver roles.

Communication never takes place in a vacuum, but in a specific

context or environmental setting. To understand a communication
event, we need to know where and under what circumstances
people are communicating, because these have a major influence on
the individuals involved. For example, discussing vacation plans in
the comfort of your own living room with a friend would be entirely
different from discussing them in the front row of a rock concert,
during an online chat, or during a funeral service.
Although communication often occurs between two people, there
are many times when more than two individuals are involved. The
addition of even one person to a conversation between two people
can dramatically change its outcome. A speaker will have a very
different speaking experience addressing an audience of five
colleagues than facing an audience of five thousand. The number of
people affects the communication event.
The backgrounds of the individuals involved—the cultural,
psychological, physical, gender, age, and other demographic
differences and similarities—influence the communication. Do the
individuals speak the same language? How might gender affect
communication styles and responses? Will age differences influence
the interpretation of a message? What will be the effect of
educational differences? What about cultural differences?
Unlike the earlier models of communication, the transactional
model does not make a distinction between the source and the
receiver. In reality, you are sending and receiving messages
simultaneously and continually as you communicate with others. As
you are speaking, you are also receiving information from the
listener. You see her nodding, shifting posture, and smiling. As you
are listening to her response, you are simultaneously sending
messages with your diverted gaze, slouching posture, and audible
yawn. This simultaneous nature of communication transactions
allows you to modify or change the messages you are sending even
as you speak. A change in one element of a system can bring about
a change in the other elements.
The important thing to remember about the transactional model
is that the individuals communicating have an impact on each other.
In this respect, what and how you communicate—your choice of
words and actions—can influence and change others.
Remember Karen? Her mother shared more deeply because
Karen listened in a new way. Karen’s perception of the event may be
that her mother changed. But Karen also changed. She not only
changed her listening behavior, but she also became more open to
her mother, more knowledgeable of her mother’s life, more
accepting, and perhaps a bit more loving. The relationship changed
for both women because Karen chose to create a different listening
environment for her mother. Keep in mind your influence as you
speak and listen to others.

PERCEPTION
To more fully understand communication, we must recognize the
importance of perception. Perception is the process by which we
assign meaning to a stimulus. Or put another way, perception is
giving meaning to the things we see and experience. If an attractive
stranger smiles at you at a party, what do you immediately think? Is
the person simply being polite and acknowledging you? Recognizing
you from somewhere else? Actually smiling at the person behind
you? Maybe even flirting with you? Or perhaps the person is
experiencing intestinal gas pains and is attempting to hide the
discomfort? What’s your guess? These are just a few meanings we
can assign to that stimulus.

Selection
The process of perception involves our five senses. We see, hear,
touch, smell, and taste. From these five senses we take in the
stimuli of the world. It’s from these five senses that we receive
information to make sense of our lives. Because we are exposed to
much more stimuli than we could ever manage, the first step in
perception is to select which stimuli to attend to. In other words, we
don’t attend to every stimulus that is present at any given moment.
Even in the location where you’re reading this book, if you were
to count each stimulus in your field of vision, the number would be
in the thousands, perhaps the tens of thousands. To pay attention to
each stimulus at the same moment would be impossible. So you
have to decide—do you select the words in this sentence or gaze at
your left foot? Each selection changes your focus of vision. You can’t
select all the things, so you must select a few.

Interpretation
Once we have selected our perceptions, the second step is to
interpret them in a way that makes sense to us. Interpretation is the
act of assigning meaning to a stimulus. It plays a role in every
communication act we encounter. Is a friend’s humorous remark
intended to express fondness or irritation? Does your supervisor’s
request for an immediate meeting with you communicate trouble or
a pay raise? When an acquaintance says, “Let’s do lunch,” is the
invitation serious or not? Almost every communication act we
encounter involves some level of interpretation on our part. Let’s
examine some factors that influence our perception.
Physical factors. The most obvious factors that influence our
interpretation are physical. What is the condition of our five senses?
Can we see accurately or do we need glasses? Can we hear
sufficiently or is our hearing diminished by age? Can we smell and
taste sharply or are allergies causing difficulties? Can you touch and
feel with adequate sensitivity or do clothing and gloves make it
hard?
The time of day affects how we physically process the sensory
input. Are you more awake in the morning or late at night? Some
people are most alert and attentive in the morning, while others
come alive late at night.
Your general state of health can influence interpretation. When
you are ill, hungry, or depressed, you see and experience a very
different world than when you are healthy, well fed, and cheerful.
Age also can affect your interpretation. Older people view the
world and events with a great deal more experience than do
younger people. By simply having lived longer, older people have
generally been through more of life’s developmental stages—early
adulthood, parenthood, grandparenthood, and retirement. Younger
people, on the other hand, usually have much more physical energy
and time to play, explore, and investigate the world around them.
With fewer life experiences, younger people interpret life differently.
Other physical factors are fatigue, hunger, stress, monthly
biological cycles, diet, and exercise. Our bodies play an important
role in our interpretation of the world.
Psychological factors. The second category of factors that
influence interpretation is psychological or mental. For example,
education and knowledge affect how we see the world around us.
An individual who never went beyond the seventh grade sees a
much different world than an individual who has completed law
school. A trained botanist sees a forest far differently than does a
first-grader.
Past experiences also affect how we interpret perceptions.
Someone who grew up happily on a farm may view rural
environments very differently than someone who grew up in New
York City. A victim of robbery may be more fearful of a darkened
street than someone who has never experienced a crime. An
individual who grew up in a loving, stable family may have a more
positive view of raising children than a person who grew up in a
cold, unstable family.
 Assumptions about people and the world in general influence
interpretations also. A belief that people are basically good and
honest, or basically untrustworthy and self-serving, will affect how
we view the actions of others.
Finally, moods will influence how we interpret the things we see
and experience. When we are feeling successful and competent, we
see a very different world than when we are feeling sad, lonely, and
depressed.
Cultural factors. A person’s cultural background can affect and
influence his or her interpretation of the world. A later chapter will
be devoted to intercultural communication and the role culture plays
in how we communicate with those who are different from us. For
now, we’ll just briefly mention some cultural factors that influence
perception.
Every culture has its own worldview, language, customs, rituals,
artifacts, traditions, and habits. These factors not only affect how
people perceive and interact with one another within a given culture,
but also they influence how they interact with people of different
cultures.
Culture can shape and determine how an individual sees the
world. Americans interpret direct eye contact as a sign of
confidence, honesty, and politeness, whereas Japanese interpret the
same direct eye contact as rude and confrontational. People from
Middle Eastern countries often converse within a few inches of each
other’s face, whereas Americans would find such closeness a
violation of personal space. For Americans, the “okay” sign made
with the thumb and the fore-finger is a sign that everything is fine,
but in many cultures it is an obscene gesture.
Position in space. The final factor that influences perception is
position in space. Where we are determines how we see things. For
instance, if you sit at the back of a classroom, you will perceive a
very different environment than if you sit in the front row, right
under the nose of the lecturer. The same holds true for adult
interaction with children. You will perceive children differently if you
kneel down to their eye level rather than stand over them. You even
pay higher prices for better viewing positions. Think of the last
concert, sporting event, or resort you attended or visited. The closer
seats or the rooms with a view generally cost more.

Perception Checking
Because so many factors influence perception, what can we do to
create more effective communication? Perception checking is a
method for inviting feedback on our interpretations. Perception
checking involves three steps:

1. An observation of a particular behavior

2. Two possible interpretations of that behavior
3. A request for clarification about how to interpret that behavior

Many times people observe and interpret the behavior, and that’s
the end of it. Often their interpretations can be easily and readily
corrected with a simple perception check. Here are two examples of
how perception checking works:
“I noticed you haven’t been in class for the past two weeks.
(observed behavior) I wasn’t sure whether you’ve been sick (first
interpretation) or were dropping the class. (second interpretation)
What’s up?” (request for clarification)
“You walked right past me without saying hello. (observed behavior)
It makes me curious whether you’re mad at me (first
interpretation) or just in a hurry. (second interpretation) How are
you feeling?” (request for clarification)

Often, perception checking is more to the point. You may not

want to use all three steps:
“I see you rolling your eyes at me. (observed behavior) What’s the
matter?” (invitation for clarification)
“Are you certain you want to go to the movies? (request for
clarification) You don’t act like you’re too enthusiastic.” (observed
behavior)

Perception checking can be a simple technique for clarifying

communication behavior in a way that is not threatening or
confrontational. It simply asks for clarification.
 PRINCIPLES OF COMMUNICATION
Certain generally accepted truths or principles of communication are
important to consider when communicating with others. These
principles hold true for all people in every culture. By understanding
these principles, you will experience greater communication
effectiveness.

Communication Is Constant
You cannot not communicate. In other words, you are always
communicating. Too often we think that if we are not talking, we are
not communicating. You may not be communicating verbally, but
your nonverbal communication is constantly displaying signs and
cues that reflect what you are thinking and feeling internally. Your
posture, gestures, facial expressions, clothing, use of time, use of a
cellular device, and even the car you drive are just a few of the
nonverbal messages that others perceive and interpret.
Even when you are speaking, your tone of voice, rate of speech,
pitch, volume, pauses or lack of pauses, and vocal fillers such as
“ah” and “um” are some of the nonverbal behaviors that can convey
what you’re thinking and feeling beneath the level of language.
You’re always communicating.

Communication Is Transactional
Communication can be viewed as a transaction in which the
meanings of messages are negotiated between people. Unlike the
earlier linear and interactional models, which view communication as
primarily sending and receiving intact and unchanging messages, the
transactional model considers to a greater extent the complexities of
the individuals involved, the environment, and the influence the
communicators have on one another.
At a deeper level, the transactional nature of communication
encourages us to regard others and ourselves in a much more
complex way. We can no longer view the receiver of our messages
as a receptacle in which we deposit our thoughts and feelings with
little or no message distortion. The transactional nature of
communication creates a more other-centered awareness and
sensitivity to others. No longer can we be limited to our earlier
preoccupation with getting our message across. Instead, we shift
our focus from self to other to participate equally in communication
exchanges or transactions in which the receiver is regarded with
greater sensitivity and respect.

Communication Is a Process
The Greek philosopher Heraclitus said that you never step twice into
the same river. What he meant was that a river is never exactly the
same as it continually twists and turns, constantly changing in depth
and speed, as it flows in its journey from the snowcapped mountains
to the sea hundreds of miles away.
Communication is a process like a river. It is continuous and
always changing. You can begin to understand and appreciate
communication only when you view the individual words, sentences,
and gestures of communication as a part of an ongoing process. One
sentence or gesture may hold very little meaning in and of itself. But
viewed from a larger, more dynamic process perspective, the
sentence or gesture takes on a different meaning. To understand the
process of communication, we need to consider how our words and
actions influence and affect the recipient of our message.
We, the creators of these messages, are also in process. How we
perceive the world and communicate with others when we first get
up in the morning can be vastly different from how we perceive and
communicate during the late hours of evening. From moment to
moment, like a river, we twist and turn, constantly changing the
depth of our perceptions, thoughts, and feelings as we travel from
morning to evening. From year to year, decade to decade, we
change dramatically in our interests, beliefs, fears, and desires. What
spoke to our ears and hearts in our youth may not ring true in our
middle and later years. We are constantly changing.

Communication Is Irreversible
“Forget I said that.” “I’m sorry I did that. Let’s pretend it never
happened.” We have all issued statements like these in an attempt
to erase or diminish the impact of an angry word or action.
Remember the email you accidentally sent and wish you could take
back? Even though the other person agreed to forget or dismiss the
statement or behavior, the memory of a careless word or deed can
last a lifetime. I’m sure you can recall a stinging criticism or hurtful
act you experienced during childhood. The memory of the criticism
or act can linger and haunt you many years later.
Likewise, uplifting, positive, and healing words and deeds can
also be carried in the hearts and minds of others forever. I
remember my father waking me before sunrise and taking me to the
local café in our farming community when I was four years old. He
would carry me sleepy eyed to the counter where he would plop me
down on a stool and announce to the other farmers, “This is my
boy!” Many a predawn breakfast at the Coyote Cafe began with his
proud announcement and the other farmers’ chiding chorus of “We
know, Mike. We know . . .” More than five decades have passed
since those predawn breakfasts, but I’ll never forget my dad’s pride
and love as he carried me into that café and proudly announced,
“This is my boy.”
Your every word and deed can leave an indelible imprint on the
minds and hearts of others. Be conscious of your choices as you
create messages to others.

Communication Is Learned
Research suggests that peoples of all cultures interpret crying and
laughing similarly. But more often than not, our communication
patterns and behaviors are learned. The language we acquire, the
extent of our vocabulary, the way we speak, our gestures, eye
contact, our touching, and how we dress are just a few of the many
examples of learned communication behavior.
Communication is also learned in a cultural context that is so
pervasive and extensive that we are often unaware of it. We
mistakenly assume that “our” way of communicating and expressing
is the “right” way and all the other cultures are wrong. This notion of
ethnocentrism is explored in a later chapter, but for now, we need
only appreciate the fact that most people view their way of
communicating as the “right” way.
The principle that communication is learned suggests also that
communication can be unlearned and new ways of communicating
acquired. This is most exciting because then we can replace our
ineffective and unhealthy ways of speaking, listening, and behaving
with more effective and healthy ways. Because we did not learn to
communicate in effective and healthy ways does not mean we are
condemned to this fate for the rest of our lives.

Communication Is Creative
The last principle of communication is that it is creative. This
creativity is much broader than the creativity associated with art,
music, and poetry. It is the creativity expressed in your daily
communication, in the unique and special ways you communicate:
When you choose to be silent. The way you listen. The times you
choose to speak. The words you select. The combinations of facial
expressions, gestures, movements, and postures you choose to
express your thoughts and feelings. The images on your Facebook
page. The texts you send. The clothes you wear. The car you drive.
The room you decorate. The home you live in. These are just some
of the ways you create communication in your life.
Your communication and the impact it has on others does not
just happen. You make it happen. You decide whether or not to
return an email. You decide whether or not to respond to a lunch
invitation. You decide whether to respond in kindness or in anger to
a criticism leveled your way. You create by choosing one behavior
and not another. You are always creating something in your
communication life.

DO YOU ENLARGE OR DIMINISH OTHERS?

I believe that we enlarge or diminish others with our communication.
We heal or hurt others with our words. People go away from our
interactions feeling a little better or a little worse than before.
You are free to create the words and behaviors that will
ultimately enlarge or diminish the recipient of your message. No one
is writing your script or coaching your movements and gestures. You
are ultimately the scriptwriter, the dialogue coach, the director, and
the speaker who will deliver the lines. You are given a great deal of
creative latitude for how you create your messages during your life.
What will you create? Will you enlarge or diminish others with your
communication?
Before we move on to the next chapter that will explore the
words you choose to use when you express your thoughts and
feelings to others, we will conclude this chapter by looking at the
words you tell yourself. This self-talk or internal dialogue you
constantly engage in, whether you’re aware of it or not, determines
to a great extent the words and behaviors you select when you
interact with others.
How you see yourself and how you talk to yourself play a pivotal
role in how you communicate with others as you practice the Art of
Communication.

YOUR SELF-CONCEPT
Your self-concept is the subjective view you hold of yourself as a
person. It is the sum total of your perceptions regarding your
physical features, cultural background, emotional states, roles,
talents, beliefs, values, likes and dislikes, achievements, and failures.
The primary determinant of whom you will talk with, what you will
say, how you will listen, and how you will interact is your self-
concept. There are two primary ways of regarding who you are—
public self-concept and private self-concept.

Public Self-Concept
Our public self-concept is on display when we are in public or for
others to see. Our public self can find its origins in the professional
role we assume. Our profession, as an engineer, teacher, doctor, or
prison guard, can affect how we view ourselves. Often, we
internalize our professional role to the extent that we continue to
function in it outside its original context. A marine drill sergeant may
treat his children like boot camp recruits. A teacher may lecture her
parents as if they are students. A therapist may treat her friends like
clients.

Private Self-Concept
Our private self-concept is much more personal than our public self-
concept. It can be made up of our personal psychological traits,
personal beliefs and values, and most frequent emotional states.
This is the self-concept that is not known to our casual
acquaintances and sometimes not even to close friends. Many times
our private self-concept consists of those aspects or characteristics
that we feel distinguish us from others. For instance, ethnicity might
be a primary factor in your private self-concept if everyone else at
work is of a different race, as would your being quiet and
introspective if others around you are loud and boisterous. Both our
public and private self-concepts help determine who we think we are
and thus how we communicate with others.

HOW SELF-CONCEPT DEVELOPS

We are not born with a self-concept, but the creation and
development of who we are begins as soon as we take our first
breath and continues until the moment we die. There are two
primary ways that our self-concept develops—reflected appraisal and
social comparison.

Reflected Appraisal
Reflected appraisal means that our self-concept matches what others
see in us. As early as 1902, psychologist Charles Cooley in his book
Human Nature and the Social Order suggested that we mirror the
beliefs, attitudes, and perceptions that others communicate to us in
their behavior. This reflected appraisal begins at birth by the manner
in which we are treated as infants. The nonverbal behaviors of our
parents, siblings, extended family members, and other caregivers
can create strong internal impressions on us. The manner in which
we are held, fed, played with, and talked to are a few of the many
ways the perceptions of others can be internalized during infancy
and last a lifetime.
Before long, the content of verbal messages is added to the
thousands of non-verbal messages we receive as significant people
in our lives tell us who we are. How we see ourselves as lovable,
valuable, and capable to a great extent is determined by the
messages from these individuals.
This process of reflected appraisal continues throughout our
lives. The perceptions, expectations, and evaluations of our
teachers, coaches, family, and friends continue to shape our notion
of who we are and what we are capable of accomplishing.
Significant others, those individuals in our lives to whom we assign
great value, such as parents, siblings, romantic partners, and
mentors, play an extremely important role in shaping our self-
concept.

Social Comparison
Social comparison is how we evaluate ourselves when we compare
ourselves with others. We accomplish this in two ways—by
superior/inferior and same/different measurements.

Every artist started out as a beginner. Your skill level right now
doesn’t matter.
You’ll learn.
—EDGAR WINTER
 By comparing ourselves with others we can often feel superior or
inferior to others. When an exam is returned in class, we can feel
inferior to the other students if we receive a low score and superior
if we receive a high score. Perhaps the instructor announced that we
received the highest mark on the exam and we were filled with
pride. Feelings of superiority or inferiority when we compare
ourselves to others in educational accomplishment, economic status,
physical development, or spiritual awareness can affect our self-
concept.
The second way we use social comparison is by deciding if we
are the same or different from others. A man who enjoys music and
spends his after-work hours practicing violin may view himself as
being very different from the other men at work who lift weights at
the gym or work on their cars. However, if that same man were
employed as a musician with the city’s symphony, he would most
likely see himself as very similar to his colleagues and not feel out of
place.
The reference groups—those people with whom we compare
ourselves as superior/inferior and same/different—can have a
profound influence on our self-concept. This leads us to the primary
reason why “birds of a feather flock together.” We have a tendency
to associate with those who are equal and similar to us. It may be
an unconscious way we keep our psychological equilibrium.
Even though our self-concept begins developing at our earliest
interactions with our primary caregivers and continues until the
moment of death, we don’t always have a conscious knowledge of
and familiarity with our perceptions of self. Mostly we have some
vague, abstract notion of who we are and confront the components
of our self-concept only when faced with a personal crisis or a life
transition. It is during those times we are invited to consider and
create a much healthier, flexible, and positive self-concept.

SPEAKING TO YOURSELF
You may have discovered while listening to yourself that many
negative, as well as positive, thoughts and ideas were swirling
through your mind. The positive thoughts are fine. It’s those
negative thoughts that can often bring us down, interfere with our
communication with others and ourselves, and in general, just make
our lives miserable. Psychologist Albert Ellis in his book New Guide to
Rational Living outlines the ten most troubling thoughts Americans
have that make their lives unsatisfactory, frustrating, and depressing.
He calls them our ten most irrational ideas. See if any of them are
swimming around in that head of yours:

1. The idea that you should be liked/loved by everyone.

2. The idea that you should be competent, adequate, and
achieving in all possible respects if you are to consider yourself
worthwhile.
3. The idea that happiness is externally caused and people have
little or no ability to control their sorrows and disturbances.
4. The idea that your past history is an all-important determinant
to your present behavior and that because something once
strongly affected your life, it should indefinitely have a similar
effect.
5. The idea that there is only one right solution to a problem and it
is catastrophic if this perfect solution is not found.
6. The idea that if something is or may be dangerous or fearsome,
you should be terribly concerned about it and should keep
dwelling on the possibility of its occurring.
7. The idea that certain people are wicked and they should always
be severely blamed and punished for their villainy.
8. The idea that it is awful and catastrophic when things are not
the way you would like them to be.
9. The idea that it is easier to avoid than to face certain life
difficulties and self-responsibilities.
10. The idea that one should become quite upset over other
people’s problems and disturbances.
 Ellis discovered that almost all of the psychological and emotional
distress his clients were experiencing was based upon one or more
of these ten irrational ideas. In fact, irrational ideas 1 and 2—the
idea that one should be liked by everyone and the idea that one
should be competent in all possible respects—accounted for almost
70 percent of his clients’ presenting problems in therapy.
To help his clients overcome these beliefs, he developed an
approach to clinical psychology called Cognitive Restructuring
Therapy. In this approach, irrational beliefs are identified, challenged
by the therapist, and replaced with the opposite beliefs.
Maybe you’ve told yourself one or two of Ellis’s ten irrational
ideas. Maybe you believe one of those ideas is true for you. Well, if
you do, you may want to reconsider that belief. It is not the purpose
of this book to discuss Cognitive Restructuring Therapy in any detail,
other than to suggest that you may want to substitute a different
belief for the irrational one you are holding. Here are the ten
statements presented in their opposite form. Read the list and see if
any of the ideas are helpful in creating new ways of talking to
yourself.

1. You don’t have to be approved of by everyone. Not everyone

has to like or love you. It is irrational to strive for universal
approval or affection. No one is liked, loved, or approved of by
everyone. To strive to be approved of by everyone is not a
desirable goal. People who try to win the approval of everyone
often sacrifice their own principles, values, and happiness. As a
result, they discover only unhappiness in their attempt to win
the approval of others.
2. You do not have to be perfect or competent in everything you
do. It is irrational to desire perfection in anything. No human
being is perfect. It’s also irrational to desire to be competent in
everything you do. There will be some activities in which you
will achieve competency, even mastery, but no human being is
competent in everything. In fact, experiencing failure can be
one of the best teachers you will ever have. Failure can teach
you how to improve, what to change, and when to quit.
3. Your happiness comes from within you and you can change your
feelings by changing your thinking. Your feelings are determined
by your thinking, not by external events. You can change your
feelings by changing your thinking. In fact, almost all the
negative feelings you will experience can be modified or
eliminated by seeing the truth of these ten beliefs.
4. Your current behavior is not determined by the past. Human
beings can unlearn old behaviors and replace them with new
behaviors. Although many habitual ways of behaving and
thinking can be deeply rooted and difficult to change, they can
be changed with concentrated effort and focused thinking.
5. There can be many solutions to any given problem. It’s irrational
to think there is only one solution to any problem. Most likely,
there are a variety of ways to solve any problem. In systems
theory, the notion of equifinality states that there exist many
ways to solve any problem. When solving problems, don’t be
limited in your thinking. Use your imagination.
6. Don’t worry. It’s irrational to worry and be overly concerned
about every little thing that can go wrong in your life. The vast
majority of the things you worry about during your lifetime will
never come to pass. Much of your worry is borne from fatigue
and loneliness. Get enough sleep, rest, and relaxation. Develop
loving relationships. It is amazing how just being rested and
enjoying support and love from family and friends can erase
much of what worries you.
7. Most people are good at heart. When things go wrong, we often
respond by looking for someone to blame and punish. We often
desire to vilify and demonize those we hold responsible for our
sufferings. No one is totally hateful, mean, or evil. The vast
majority of people are basically good, hardworking, honest
folks. We need to see the good and the beauty in everyone,
even those people who mistreat us. In the long run, the price of
blaming, hating, or seeking revenge is too high.
8. It’s okay if you don’t get your way. One of the greatest lessons
we learn in life is that we don’t always get what we want. Thank
goodness for that! Can you imagine if you got everything you
 ever wished for? You would be a gluttonous, wealthy,
overindulged mess! We need to get beyond ourselves and begin
to be aware of and responsive to the needs of those around us.
In this life, we need to move from self to others. Don’t get too
hung up on what you want or what you desire. Learn to think of
others too.
9. It’s better to face your problems and responsibilities than to
avoid them. It is irrational to avoid or deny actual problems or
responsibilities facing you. Denial of problems that pose a threat
to your safety or welfare is irrational. Physical illness,
relationship conflicts, and emotional distress need to be
acknowledged and addressed. Anything less will only amplify
the problem. The same holds true for your responsibilities. You
need to keep your promises, meet your legal obligations, and
carry out your duties. To avoid or deny legitimate responsibilities
will only cause pain, suffering, and punishment in the long run.
10. Let others be responsible for themselves. It is irrational to be
overly concerned about the lives of other people. Human beings
need to take responsibility for their own lives. We can be
responsive to others, but not responsible for them. Each person
needs to live his or her own life. With the exception of infants,
young children, and the elderly, most people should make their
own decisions and take care of themselves. Don’t get enmeshed
in the lives of other people. You’ve got enough to take care of
with yourself. This doesn’t give you license to be uncaring,
detached, and self-centered. It means that you let people make
their own mistakes, learn from them, and go about their lives
independently of your over-involvement. As an old saying goes,
“Every time you help someone, you make them a little weaker, a
little more dependent upon you.”

These ten beliefs constitute a much more positive and healthy way
of viewing yourself and others. You may find many of these beliefs
helpful in talking to yourself in a more positive way. One of these
rational beliefs may be what you need to create the beginning of a
new way of thinking and behaving. Let these beliefs encourage and
shape a different, more positive you.
And as you do, there is one area of your life you need to be
especially aware of and responsive to as you develop your self-
concept and that is how social media can influence and affect your
ideas of who you are.

SOCIAL MEDIA’S INFLUENCES ON SELF-

CONCEPT
Social media, such as Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, has not only
become the primary way people connect and interact with family,
friends, colleagues, and new acquaintances, but by its very nature, it
can become one of the most important forces that influence and
shape our self-concept.
By its constant flow of information and images, social media can
occupy more and more of our attention. With platforms such as
Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, individuals can post their pictures
and content to the world and view the pictures and content of
others. The results can be increased connection and interaction with
family, friends, and acquaintances, as well as endless entertainment
and educational opportunities. Additionally, public and personal
validation, encouragement, and inspiration can be experienced
through all of the positive feedback received by your social media
content in the form of “likes,” reposts, retweets, and positive
comments posted by others. Such positive feedback can reinforce
and increase the self-concept of any individual.
By its very nature, social media serves as a powerful source of
social comparison that extends far beyond the usual framework of
our families, co-workers, interest groups, and acquaintances. It
invites the entire Internet world to serve as a reference group for us,
if we allow it. But beyond extending the reach of our Internet social
comparison group, it can provide immediate and unlimited reflected
appraisal directed to us and about us by countless individuals, whom
we may or may not even know.
 Since social media can extend the reach and scope of our social
comparison groups and increase the reflected appraisal we are
exposed to, we need to be aware of some of the ways it can
negatively affect our self-image.
Unrealistic images/descriptions. Since people can select
which content and images they want others to see and not see on
their social media sites, the result is often a very skewed and
unrealistic presentation of their activities and lives. Everyone seems
to be looking beautiful, doing something exciting, and always
experiencing happiness and success. Social media can begin to
resemble a highlights film, played and replayed, day after day, in
front of our eyes.
A steady diet of this kind of content and images can skew our
world view and affect our self-concept in negative ways. It can make
us reflect on our ordinary lives and feel very boring, inadequate, and
even failing, compared to the perfect images and description of
others on social media. Very often, our self-concept can be
diminished, weakened, or destroyed because we don’t feel we
measure up to the lives of we see of others.
So it’s important to remember that the images and descriptions
you see and read of others on social media are really their
“highlights film” and not an accurate and true description of their
real lives. A good rule to observe when viewing the photos and
descriptions of others is “divide by two.” Not matter how beautiful
and perfect their pictures or exciting and impressive their story,
divide it by two, and consider that their message is half as wonderful
and impressive as it might appear.
This “divide by two” approach to interpreting social media posts
can perhaps give you a more accurate assessment of who others
really are and how they really live. No use feeling inadequate about
information that is most likely carefully selected, exaggerated, and
quite frankly, untrue in many instances.
Unrealistic expectations. By providing you with a steady diet
of an exaggerated or even false view of reality, social media can also
create unreal expectations for your own self-concept. When people
create, post, and update their social media content and images, they
Another random document with
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 'Yes,' rejoins d'Inchy impatiently. 'Cannot you see? You say the people
no longer believe in the coming of His Highness. Our spies and the news
they bring no longer carry weight. But if we say that the Duke hath sent a
token....'

'I understand,' murmurs the Chief Magistrate, and the others nod in
comprehension.

'Madame Jacqueline will not demur,' d'Inchy continues insistently. 'She

will accept the assurance from me that one of our spies has come in contact
with Monsieur and brought back a fresh token of his promise to her ... a
ring, for instance. We have many valuable ones in our city treasury. One of
them will serve our purpose.' Then, as the city dignitaries are still silent,
somewhat perturbed at all that sophistry—''Tis for the sake of our city,
Messires,' d'Inchy urges with a note of pleading in his usually commanding
voice. 'A little deception, when so much good may come of it! what is it?
Surely you can reconcile it with your consciences!'

To him the matter seems trivial. One deception more or less—hitherto

the path had been so easy. He frowns, seeing that this tiresome pack of old
men hesitate, when to acquiesce might even now save their city. Anyhow,
he is the governor. His word is law. For the nonce he chooses to argue and
to persuade, but anon he commands.

The city dignitaries—the old men for the most part, and with impaired
health after weeks of privation—have but little real resistance in them.
D'Inchy was always a man of arbitrary will and persuasive eloquence. De
Balagny is soon won over. He ranges himself on the side of the governor,
and helps in the work of demolishing the bulwark of the Magistrate's
opposition. The latter yields—reluctantly, perhaps—but still he yields. After
all, there is no harm whatever in the deception. No one could possibly
suffer in consequence. Madame Jacqueline has always expressed herself
ready to marry the Duc d'Anjou—a hero and a doughty knight, if ever there
was one!—and in any case it were an inestimable boon to put fresh heart
into the starving population.

So gradually the others yield, and Monseigneur is satisfied. He

elaborates his plan, his mind full of details to make the result more sure. A
public ceremony: Jacqueline once more publicly betrothed to the Duc
d'Anjou—dedicated, in fact, like a worshipper to some patron saint. Then
the people made to realize that the Duc d'Anjou is already known to them as
their hero, their defender and their saviour; that he is not dead, but coming
back to them very soon at the head of his armies this time, to save them
once for all from the Spaniards, whilst he remains with them to the end of
his days as their chosen Sovereign Lord and King.

Monseigneur has worked himself up to a high pitch of enthusiasm,

carries the others with him now, until they cast aside all foreboding and
gloom and hope springs afresh in their hearts.

VI

Thus we see the third and last picture which Enguerrand de Manuchet
shows us of Cambray in her agony. It is a picture that is even more vivid
than the others, more alive in the intensity of its pathos. We see inside the
citadel on the last day of July, 1581. And of all the episodes connected with
the memorable siege of Cambray and with its heroic defence, not one
perhaps is more moving than that of this huge concourse of people—men,
women and tiny children—assembled here and for such a purpose, under
the blue dome of the sky.

The grim walls of the ancient castle around them are hung with worn and
tattered flags; they are like the interior of a church, decked out with all the
solemnity of a marriage ceremony and all the pathos of a De Profundis.

Jacqueline, indifferent to everything save to the welfare of the city, has

accepted without resistance or doubt Monseigneur's story of the spy, the
Duc d'Anjou and the token. The ring, borrowed for the occasion from the
city treasury, she has taken without any misgiving, as coming straight from
the man whom she is destined to marry. She had promised long ago to wed
Monsieur Duc d'Anjou, because the weal of her country was, it seems,
wrapped up in that union. All those who worked for the glorious future of
Flanders had assured her that much of it depended in her acquiescence to
this alliance with France.

With her heart for ever buried beneath the ramparts of Cambray, side by
side with the gallant knight who had given his life for the beloved city, she
cared little, if at all, what became of her. The Duc d'Anjou or another—
what did it matter?—but preferably the Duc d'Anjou if her country's welfare
demands that he should be the man.

No wonder that this last picture stirs even the heart of the dry-as-dust old
historian to enthusiasm. Noble and churl, burghers and dignitaries and
soldiers, toilers and ragamuffins, all are there—those who can walk or stand
or crawl. Those who are hale drag or support those that are sick, bring
tattered mattresses along or a litter of straw for them to lie on. But they all
come to see a woman make a solemn profession of faith in the man who is
to bring deliverance to the agonizing city.

They come in their thousands; but thousands more are unable to find
room upon the Place or within the Citadel. Even so, they line the streets all
the way to the Archiepiscopal Palace, whilst all those who are so privileged
watch Madame Jacqueline's progress through the streets from their
windows or their balconies. Fortunately the day has been brilliantly fine
ever since morning, and the sun shines radiant upon this one day which is
almost a happy one.

For many hours before that fixed for the ceremony, the streets seethe
with the crowd—a pathetic crowd, in truth: gaunt, feeble, weary, in tattered
clothes, some scarce able to drag themselves along, others sick and
emaciated, clinging to the posts at the corners of the streets, just to get one
peep at what has come to be regarded as a tangible ray of hope. A silent,
moveless crowd, whose husky voice has scarce a cheer in it; as Jacqueline
passes by, walking between Monseigneur the governor and the Chief
Magistrate, bare arms are waved here and there, in a feeble attempt at
jubilation. But there is no music, no beating of drums or waving of banners;
there is no alms-giving, no largesse! All that the rich and the prosperous
possessed in the past has been shared and distributed long ago.
 In spite of the brilliant weather, the scene is dark and dreary. The weary,
begrimed faces do not respond to the joyous kiss of the sun; the smile of
hope has not the power to dry every tear.

VII

And now Jacqueline stands, like a white Madonna lily, in the centre of
the Place d'Armes. Monseigneur the governor is beside her and around her
are grouped the high dignitaries of the city, standing or sitting upon low
velvet-covered stools. The Chief Magistrate and Messire de Balagny are in
the forefront, and behind them are the members of the States General and of
the Town, the Provosts and Captains of the City Guard. The picture is
sombre still, despite the banners of the guilds and the flags of various
provinces which hang along the walls of the Citadel. The russets and
browns, the blacks and dull reds, absorb the evening light without throwing
back any golden reflections. The shadows are long and dense.

The white satin of Jacqueline's gown is the one bright note of colour
against the dull and drab background; its stiff folds gleam with honey-
coloured lights in the slowly sinking sun. She has allowed old Nicolle to
deck her out in all her finery, the gown which she wore on that night—oh!
so very long ago—at the banquet, the one with the pale green underdress
which Messire declared made her look so like a lily; the pearls in her hair;
the velvet shoes on her feet.

'I will plight my troth publicly to the Defender of Cambray!' she had said
to her guardian, when Monseigneur had first spoken of the proposed
ceremony.

'To Monsieur Duc d'Anjou et d'Alençon, my child,' Monseigneur had

insisted, and frowned slightly at what he called his ward's romantic fancies.

''Tis to the Defender of Cambray that I will dedicate my faith,' she had
continued obstinately.
 'Let the child be!' de Lalain had interposed, seeing that d'Inchy was
about to lose his temper. 'After all, what does it matter, seeing that the
Defender of Cambray and Monsieur Duc d'Anjou are one and the same?'

D'Inchy gave in. It did not really matter. If Jacqueline still harboured a
doubt as to the identity of the masked stranger, it would soon be dispelled
when Monsieur entered Cambray and came to claim her openly. Women
were apt to have strange fancies; and this one, on Jacqueline's part, was
harmless enough.

In any case, she appeared satisfied, and henceforth was quite submissive.
In the midst of her sorrow, she felt a sweet, sad consolation in the thought
that she would publicly plight her troth to the man whom she loved,
proclaim before the whole world—her world that is, the only one that
mattered—that she was for ever affianced to the brave man who had given
his life, that Cambray might be saved.

In an inward vision she could see him still, as she saw him on that day
upon the ramparts, with the April sun gilding his close-cropped head, with
the light of enthusiasm dancing in his eyes, his arms bare, his clothes torn,
his vibrant voice resounding from wall to wall and from bastion to bastion,
till something of his own fire was communicated to all those who fought
under his command.

To Jacqueline he was still so marvellously, so powerfully alive, even

though his body lay stark and still at the foot of those walls which he had so
bravely defended. He seemed to be smiling down on her from the clear blue
of the sky, to nod at her with those banners which he had helped to keep
unsullied before the foe. She heard his voice through the lengthy
perorations of Monseigneur, the murmured approbation of the Provosts,
through the cheers of the people. She felt his presence now as she had felt it
through the past four weary months, while Cambray suffered and starved,
and bore starvation and misery with that fortitude which he had infused into
her.

And while Monseigneur the governor spoke his preliminary harangue, to

which the people listened in silence, she stood firm and ready to speak the
words which, in accordance with the quaint and ancient Flemish custom,
would betroth her irrevocably to the man chosen for her by her guardians,
even though he happened to be absent at the moment. For her, those words,
the solemn act, would only register the vow which she had made long ago,
the vow which bound her soul for ever to the hero who had gone.

'It is my purpose,' Monseigneur said solemnly, 'to plight this my lawful

ward, Jacqueline, Dame de Broyart et de Morchipont, Duchesse et
Princesse de Ramèse, d'Espienne et de Wargny, unto His Royal Highness,
Hercule François de Valois, Duc d'Alençon et d'Anjou, and I hereby desire
to ask the members of my Council to give their consent to this decree.'

And the Chief Magistrate, speaking in the name of the States General
and of the City and Provincial Council, then gave answer:

'Before acceding to your request, Monseigneur, we demand to know

whether Hercule François of Valois, Duc d'Alençon et d'Anjou, is an
honourable man, and possessed of sufficient goods to ensure that Madame
Jacqueline de Broyart et de Morchipont, Duchesse et Princesse de Ramèse,
d'Espienne et de Wargny, continue to live as she hath done hitherto and in a
manner befitting her rank.'

Whereupon Messire de Balagny made reply:

'His Royal Highness is a prince of the House of France; he defended our

city in the hour of her gravest peril and saved her from destruction and from
the fury of our Spanish foe. He is in every way worthy to have our ward for
wife.'

'Wherefore, most honourable seigneurs,' continued the governor

solemnly, 'I do desire by your favour to grant the hand of Madame
Jacqueline to him in marriage.'

'This request we would grant you, Monseigneur,' rejoined the Chief

Magistrate, 'but would ask you first how it comes that the bridegroom
himself is not here to claim his bride.'

'The bridegroom,' replied d'Inchy, slowly and loudly, so that his voice
could be heard, clear and distinct, in every corner of the great courtyard.
'The bridegroom is even at this hour within sight of our beleaguered city.
He is at the head of his armies and only waits a favourable opportunity for
demanding from the Spanish commander that the latter do give him battle.
The bridegroom, I say, hath sent us a token of his goodwill and an
assurance that he will not tarry. He hath asked that Madame Jacqueline do
plight her troth to him before the assembled people of Cambray, so that they
may know that he is true and faithful unto them and take heart of courage
against his speedy coming for their deliverance.'

A murmur—it could not be called a cheer, for voices were hoarse and
spent—went the round of the crowd. There were nods of approval; and a
gleam of hope, almost of joy, lit up many a wan face and many a sunken
eye. After so many deceptions, so much weary waiting and hope deferred,
this was at least something tangible, something to cling to, whilst battling
against the demons of hunger and disease which so insidiously called for
surrender.

The Chief Magistrate, who together with Monseigneur had been chiefly
instrumental in engineering the present situation, waited for a moment or
two, giving time for the governor's cheering words to soak well into the
minds of the people. He was a tall, venerable-looking old burgher, with a
white beard clipped close to his long, thin face, and a black velvet bonnet,
now faded to a greenish hue by exposure to all weathers, set upon his scanty
hair. He drew up his bent shoulders and threw back his head with a gesture
expressive both of confidence and of determination, and he allowed his
deep-set eyes beneath their bushy brows to wander over the populace, as if
to say: 'See how right I was to bid you hope! Here you have an actual proof
that the end of your sufferings is in sight, that the deliverance for which you
pray is already at your gate!' After which, he turned once again to d'Inchy
and said loftily:

'Monseigneur the governor! the people of Cambray here assembled have

heard with profound respect the declaration which you have deigned to
make, as to the intentions of His Royal Highness the Duc d'Anjou et
d'Alençon. On their behalf and on the behalf of the States of this Town and
Province whom I represent, I hereby affirm most solemnly that we have the
weal of our city at heart; that we will resist the armies of the Duke of Parma
with the whole might of our arms and our will, awaiting tranquilly and with
fortitude the hour of our deliverance. We trust and believe that he who
defended us so valiantly four months ago will soon return to us, and rid us
once and for ever from the menace of our foe.'

Once more a murmur of approval went round the Place. Wearied, aching
heads nodded approval; firm lips, thin and pale, were set with a
recrudescence of energy. All the stoicism of this heroic race was expressed
in their simple acceptance of this fresh term of endurance imposed upon
them, in their willingness to hope on again, to wait and to submit, and in
their mute adhesion to the profession of faith loudly proclaimed by their
Chief dignitary: 'awaiting tranquilly and with fortitude the hour of our
deliverance.'

'And now, Monseigneur,' concluded the Magistrate impressively, 'in the

name of your Council, I herewith make acceptance of His Royal Highness,
Hercule François of Valois, Duc d'Alençon et d'Anjou, prince of the House
of France, defender and saviour of Cambray, to be the future husband and
guardian of Madame Jacqueline de Broyart, our ward.'

Monseigneur the governor now drew his sword, held it upright and
placed on it a hat and round his arm a mantle; then he took the ring, which
had been borrowed from the city treasury for the occasion, and hung it on a
projecting ornament of his sword-hilt. After which he said, with great
solemnity:

'With these emblems I hereby entrust to His Royal Highness Hercule

François de Valois, Duc d'Anjou et d'Alençon, prince of the House of
France, the defender and saviour of Cambray in the hour of her gravest
peril, the custody of my ward Jacqueline, Dame de Broyart et de
Morchipont, Duchesse et Princesse de Ramèse, d'Espienne et de Wargny;
and as I have been her faithful custodian in the past, so do I desire him to
become her guardian and protector henceforth, taking charge of her worldly
possessions and duly administering them faithfully and loyally.'

After which he lowered his sword, put down the hat and the mantle and
presented the ring to Jacqueline, together with seven gloves, saying the
while:
 'Jacqueline, take these in exchange for the emblems of marital authority
which I herewith hold for and on behalf of your future lord, and in the
presence of all the people of Cambray here assembled, I demand that you
do plight your troth to him and that you swear to be true and faithful unto
him, to love and cherish him with your heart and your body, to obey and
serve him loyally as his wife and helpmate, until death.'

Jacqueline, by all the canons of this quaint custom, should have held the
ring and the gloves in her left hand and taken the solemn oath with her right
raised above her head. Instead of which, Manuchet assures us that she laid
down the ring and the gloves upon the chair nearest to her, and clasped her
two hands together as if in prayer. She raised her small head and looked out
upon the sky—there where the setting sun hid its glory behind a filmy veil
of rose-tinted clouds.

'In the name of the living God who made me,' she said, with solemn and
earnest fervour, 'I do hereby plight my troth to my lord, the noble and
puissant hero who defended Cambray in the hour of her gravest peril, who
saved her from destruction and taught her citizens how to conquer and to
endure, and I swear upon my life and upon my every hope of salvation that
I will be true and faithful unto him, that I will love and cherish him with my
heart and with my body and will serve him loyally and unswervingly now
and alway until our souls meet in the presence of God.'

A great hush had fallen on the vast courtyard while Jacqueline de

Broyart made her profession of faith; nor did a sound mar the perfect
stillness which lay over the heavy-laden city. This was a time of great
silences—silence of sorrow, of anxiety and pain. The women frankly gave
way to tears; but they were tears that fell soundlessly from hollow eyes. The
men did not weep—they just set their teeth, and culled in that one woman's
fervour fresh power for their own endurance.

The city dignitaries crowded round Jacqueline, kissing and pressing her
hands. Monseigneur the governor was looking greatly relieved. From the
tower of Notre Dame, the bells set forth a joyous peal—the first that had
been heard for many months. And that peal was presently taken up, first by
one church tower and then another, from St. Waast to St. Martin, Ste. Croix
to St. Géry. The happy sound echoed and reverberated along the city walls,
broke with its insidious melody the gloomy silence which had lain over the
streets like a pall.

Far away in the west the sun was slowly sinking in a haze of translucent
crimson, and tipped every church spire, every bastion and redoubt with rose
and orange and gold. For the space of a few more minutes the citadel with
its breathless and fervid crowd, with its waving banners and grey walls, was
suffused as with a flush of life and hope. Then the shadows lengthened—
longer and longer they grew, deeper and more dense, like great, drab arms
that enfold and conceal and smother. Slowly the crimson glow faded out of
the sky.

Now the group in the centre appeared only like a sombre mass of dull
and lifeless colours; Jacqueline's white satin gown took on a leaden hue; the
brilliance of the sky had become like a presage of storm. The women
shivered beneath their ragged kerchiefs; some of the children started to cry.

Then, one by one, the crowd began to disperse. Walking, halting,

crawling, they wended their way back to their dreary homes,—there to wait
again, to suffer and to endure; there to conceal all the heroism of this patient
resignation, all the stoicism of a race which no power could conquer, no
tyranny force into submission.

And once more silence descended on the hapless city, and the mantle of
night lay mercifully upon her grievous wounds.

VIII

And far away in the Spanish camps, the soldiers and their captains
marvelled how joy-bells could be ringing in a city which was in the throes
of her death agony. But the Duke of Parma knew what it meant, as did the
members of his staff—del Fuente, his second in command, de Salvado,
Bracamonte, de Landas and the others. More than one of their wily spies
had succeeded before now in swimming across the Schelde and in scaling
the tumble-down walls of the heroic city, and had brought back the news of
what was doing in there, in the midst of a starving and obstinate population.

'The public betrothal to a fickle Prince who will never come,' said the
Duke grimly, between his teeth. 'At any rate, not before we have worked
our will with those mulish rebels.'

'We could take their pestilent town by storm to-morrow,' remarked de

Landas, with a note of fierce hatred in his voice, 'if your Highness would
but give the order.'

'Bah!' retorted the Duke. 'Let them rot! Why should we waste valuable
lives and precious powder, when the next few days must see the final
surrender of that peccant rat-hole?'

He gave a coarse laugh and shrugged his shoulders.

'I believe,' he said to de Landas, 'that I once promised you Cambray and
all that it contains—what?'

'For ridding your Highness of the abominable rebel who organized the
defence last April,' assented de Landas. 'Yes! Cambray and all that it
contains was to be my reward.'

'You killed the miscreant, I believe?'

'I shot him through the heart. He lies rotting now beneath the walls.'

'Well!' riposted the Duke. 'You earned your reward easily enough. There
will be plenty left in Cambray, even after I have had my first pick of its
treasures.'

De Landas made no protest. It would have been not only useless, but
also impolitic to remind His Highness that, at the moment when he offered
Cambray and all its contents to the man who would rid him of a valiant foe,
he had made no proviso that he himself should fill his pockets first. There
was no honour among these thieves and no probity in these savage tyrants
—brute beasts, most of them, who destroyed and outraged whatever
resisted their might. So de Landas held his tongue; for even so, he was not
dissatisfied. The Duke, being rid of the rebel whom he feared, might easily
have repudiated the ignoble bargain in its entirety, and de Landas would
have had no redress.

As it was, there was always Jacqueline. The Spanish commanders were

wont to make short shrift of Flemish heiresses who happened to be in a city
which they entered as conquerors. By decree of His Highness, Jacqueline de
Broyart would certainly be allocated to him—de Landas—if he chose to
claim her. Of a truth, she was still well worth having—more so than ever,
perhaps; for her spirit now would be chastened by bodily privations, broken
by humiliation at the hands of the faithless Valois and by the death of her
mysterious lover.

'So long as the heiress is there for me,' he said carelessly to the Duke, 'I
am satisfied to let every other treasure go.'

'Oh! you shall have the heiress,' riposted His Highness hilariously.
'Rumour hath described her as passing fair. You lucky devil! Methinks you
were even betrothed to her once.'

'Oh! long ago, your Highness. Since then the oily promises of the Duc
d'Anjou have helped to erase my image from the tablets of Madame
Jacqueline's heart.'

'Then she'll be all the more ready to fall back into your arms, now that
she has discovered the value of a Valois prince's faith.'

After which pronouncement, the Duke of Parma dismissed the matter

from his mind and turned his attention to the table, richly spread with every
kind of delicacy, which had been laid for him in his tent. He invited the
gentlemen of his staff to sit, and as he dug his fork into the nearest
succulent dish, he said complacently:

'Those pestiferous rebels out there cannot have as much as a mouse

between the lot of them, to fill their Flemish paunches. Messeigneurs, here
is to Cambray!' he added, as he lifted his silver goblet filled to the brim with
Rhenish wine. 'To Cambray, when we march through her streets, ransack
her houses and share her gold! To Cambray, and the pretty Flemish
wenches, if so be they have an ounce of flesh left upon their bones! To de
Landas' buxom heiress and his forthcoming marriage with her! To you all,
and the spoils which these many months of weary waiting will help you to
enjoy! To Cambray, all ye gallant seigneurs!'

His lusty toast was greeted with loud laughter. Metal goblets clicked one
against the other, every one drank to the downfall of the rebellious city. De
Landas accepted the jocose congratulations of his boon-companions. He,
too, raised his goblet aloft, and having shouted: 'To Jacqueline!' drained it to
its last drop.

But when he set the goblet down, his hand was shaking perceptibly.
Cain-like, he had seen a vision of the man whom he had so foully
murdered. Accidentally he knocked over a bottle of red Burgundy, which
stood on the table close by, and the linen cloth all around him was spread
over with a dark crimson stain, which to the assassin appeared like the
colour of blood.

CHAPTER XXVI

WHAT VALUE A VALOIS PRINCE SET UPON HIS

WORD

To Gilles de Crohin, when he woke to consciousness one morning in his

former lodging in La Fère, the whole of the past few weeks appeared indeed
like a long dream.
 Cambray—Jacqueline—his mask—his deceit—that last day upon the
ramparts—were they not all the creations of his fevered brain? Surely a
whole lifetime could not be crowded into so short a space of time. No man
could have lived through so much, loved so passionately, have lost and
fought and conquered so strenuously, all within a few weeks.

And when, after many days' enforced rest and a good deal of attention
from a skilful leech backed by Maître Jehan's unwavering care, he was once
more on his feet and was able to relate to Madame la Reyne de Navarre the
many vicissitudes of his perilous adventure, it seemed to him as if he were
recounting to a child, fairy tales and dream stories which had never been.

It was only at evening, when he wandered round the little Dutch garden
at the back of the house where he lodged, that Jacqueline came to him,
aglow with life—a living, breathing, exquisite reality. For the Madonna
lilies were all abloom in that garden just then: tall, stately white lilies,
which bordered one of the narrow paths. They had slender, pale green
stems, their fragrance filled the evening air and the soft breeze stirred their
delicate crowns. Then it would seem to Gilles as if his Jacqueline were
walking down the path beside him, that the breeze blew the tendrils of her
fair hair against his nostrils and that her voice filled his ear with its sweet,
melodious sound. A big heartache would make the rough soldier sigh with
longing then. Unseen by any one, alone with his thoughts of her, he would
stretch out his arms to that tantalizing vision which seemed so real and was
yet so far, so very far away.

Madame la Reyne would at times chaff him about his moodiness, and he
himself was ready to laugh aloud at his own folly. What right had he—the
uncouth soldier of fortune, the homeless adventurer—to think of the great
and noble lady, who was as far removed from him as were the stars? What
right indeed? Even though Marguerite de Navarre, lavish in her gratitude,
had already showered honours and wealth upon the man who had served
her so faithfully.

'Monseigneur le Prince de Froidmont,' she had said to him with solemn

earnestness, on the day when first she had realized how completely he had
worked out her own schemes; 'the lands of Froide Monte, which are some
of the richest in Acquitaine, were a part of my dowry when I married. They
are yours now, as they once were the property of your forebears. They are
yours, with their forests, their streams and their castles. Take them as a poor
token of my lifelong gratitude.' And when Gilles demurred, half-indifferent
even to so princely a gift, she added with her habitual impatience: 'Pardieu,
Messire, why should you be too proud to accept a gift from me, seeing that
I was not too proud to ask so signal a service of you?'

Even so, that gift—so graciously offered, so welcome to the man's pride
of ancestry—had but little value in his sight, since he could not do with it
the one thing that mattered, which was to lay it at Jacqueline's feet.

'Do not look so morose, Messire,' Marguerite de Navarre said teasingly.

'I vow that you have left your heart captive in Cambray.' Then as Gilles,
after this straight hit, remained silent and absorbed, she added gaily: 'Have
no fear, Messire! When Monsieur is Lord of the Netherlands, he will force
the lady of your choice into granting you her favours. Remember!' she said
more seriously, 'that the Prince de Froidmont can now aspire to the hand of
the richest and most exalted lady in the land.'

'Monseigneur is still far from being Lord of the Netherlands,' Gilles said
dryly, chiefly with a view to inducing a fresh train of thought in the royal
lady's mind.

Marguerite shrugged her pretty shoulders.

'He still procrastinates,' she admitted. 'He should be at La Fère by now,

with five thousand troops. Everything was ready when I left Paris.'

'He has found something else to distract him,' rejoined Gilles, with
unconscious bitterness. 'Perhaps Mme. de Marquette has resumed her sway
over him, the while Cambray waits and starves.'

'Chien sabe?' allowed Madame la Reyne with an impatient sigh.

II
 The while Cambray waits and starves! That was indeed the deathly sting
which poisoned Gilles de Crohin's very life during those four dreary
months, while Monsieur Duc d'Anjou was ostensibly making preparations
for his expedition for the relief of the beleaguered city. Ostensibly in truth,
for very soon his fond sister had to realize that, now as always, that fickle
brother of hers was playing his favourite game of procrastination and
faithlessness. With him, in fact, faithlessness had become an obsession. It
seemed as if he could not act or think straight, as if he could not keep his
word. Now, while he was supposed to recruit his troops, to consult with his
officers, to provide for engines and munitions of war, he actually deputed
his long-suffering and still faithful friend, Gilles de Crohin, to do the work
for him. His own thoughts had once more turned to a possible marriage—
not with Jacqueline de Broyart, to whom he was bound by every
conceivable tie of honour and of loyalty—but with Elizabeth of England,
whom he coveted because of her wealth, and the power which so brilliant
an alliance would place in his hands.

But of these thoughts he did not dare to speak even to the adoring sister,
who most certainly would have turned her back on him for ever had she
known that he harboured such dishonourable projects. He did not dare to
speak of them even to Gilles, for he felt that this would strain his friend's
loyalty to breaking point. He entered outwardly into the spirit of the
proposed expedition with all the zest which he could muster, but the
moment he was no longer under Marguerite de Navarre's own eyes he did
not lift another finger in its organization.

'Turenne and la Voute are quite capable of going to the relief of Cambray
without me,' he said to Gilles with a yawn and a lazy stretch of his long,
loose limbs. 'I have never been counted a good commander, and Parma is
always a difficult problem to tackle. Let Turenne go, I say. My brother
Henri lauds him as the greatest general of the day, and the rogue hath fought
on the Spanish side before now, so he hath all their tricks at his fingers'
ends.'

Monsieur was in Paris then, and Marguerite de Navarre, wellnigh

distraught, had entreated Gilles to stir him into immediate activity.
 'Cambray will fall before that indolent brother of mine gets there,
Messire,' she had pleaded, with tears of impotent anger in her eyes.

Gilles had gone. He needed no goad even for so distasteful a task.

'Cambray might fall!' The thought drove him into a fever, from which he
could find no solace save in breathless activity. He found Monsieur in his
Palace in Paris, surrounded by the usual crowd of effeminate youngsters
and idle women, decked out in new-fangled, impossible clothes, the
creations of his own fancy, indolent, vicious, incorrigible. Just now, when
Gilles had come to speak to him of matters that meant life or death, honour
or shame, the future welfare or downfall of a nation, he was lounging in a
huge armchair, his feet resting on a pile of cushions. He was wearing one of
his favourite satin suits, with slashed doublet all covered with tags and
ribbons; he had gold earrings in his ears and was nursing a litter of tiny
hairless puppies, whom he was teasing with the elaborate insignia of the
Order of the Holy Ghost, wrought in gold and set with diamonds, which he
wore on a blue ribband round his neck.

Gilles looked down on him with a contempt that was no longer good-
humoured. Cambray was waiting and starving whilst this miserable
coxcomb idled away the hours! Two months had gone by and practically
nothing had been done. There were no troops, no munitions, no arms; and
Cambray was waiting and starving! God alone knew what miseries were
being endured by those valiant burghers over there, whom Gilles' own voice
had so easily rallied once to a stubborn and heroic defence! God alone knew
what his exquisite Jacqueline was being made to suffer! At the thought, his
very soul writhed in torment. He could have raised his hands in measureless
anger against that effeminate nincompoop, and crushed the last spark of a
profligate and useless life out of him. As it was, he had to entreat, to argue,
almost to kneel, pleading the cause of Cambray and of his proud Jacqueline
—his perfect and unapproachable lily, whom this miserable rag of manhood
was casting aside and spurning with a careless wave of the hand.

Ye gods! That he, of all men, should have been assigned such a rôle!
That Fate should have destined him to plead for the very honour and safety
of the woman whom he worshipped, with a man whom he despised! And
yet he argued and he entreated because Madame la Reyne herself vowed
that no one could keep her brother in the path of integrity now, except his
friend Gilles de Crohin. She had begged him not to leave Monsieur, not for
a day, not if possible for an hour!

'He will give us the slip again,' she begged most earnestly; 'and be off to
England after his wild-goose chase. Elizabeth will never marry him—
never! And we shall remain before the world, uselessly discredited and
shamed.'

Alas! much precious time had in the meanwhile been lost. News had
come through that the Duke of Parma had given up the thought of taking
Cambray by storm and had left del Fuente in temporary command with
orders to reduce her by starvation.

But this was two months ago.

Marguerite de Navarre, wearied to death, harassed by Monsieur's

inactivity, obstructed by the King of France, was on the verge of despair.
Cambray, according to the most haphazard calculations, must be on the
point of surrender.

III

Early in July, Monsieur, stung into a semblance of activity by perpetual

nagging from his sister and constant goading from Gilles, did send M. de
Turenne with an insufficient force, ill-equipped and ill-found, to effect a
surprise attack against the Spanish army.

We know how signally that failed. The blame naturally was lavishly
distributed. M. de Turenne, ignorant of his ground, had, it was averred,
employed guides who led him astray. Spies and traitors amongst his troops
were also supposed to have got wind of his plans and to have betrayed them
to the Spanish commander. Certain it is that Turenne's small force was
surprised, cut up, Turenne himself taken prisoner and that la Voute, his
second, only escaped a like fate by disguising himself as a woman and
running with the best of them back to La Fère.
 The blow had fallen, sudden, swift and terrible. When the news was
brought to Marguerite of Navarre she was seized with so awful an attack of
choler, that she fell into unconsciousness and had to take to her bed.

She sent for Gilles, who was eating out his heart in Paris, playing the
watch-dog over a dissolute Prince. At her command he proceeded at once to
La Fère.

'All is not lost, Messire,' she said to him, as soon as his calm, trust-
inspiring presence had infused some semblance of hope into her heart. 'But
we must not allow Monsieur to exert himself any more in the matter. His
incapacity alone matches his indolence.'

She felt so ashamed and so humiliated, that Gilles wellnigh forgot the
grudge, which he really owed her for that pitiable adventure into which she
had thrust him, and which was even now ending in disaster.

'My spirit is wellnigh broken,' she continued, with pathetic self-

depreciation. 'If only, out of all this misery, we could save one shred of our
honour!'

'Will your Majesty let me try?' Gilles said simply.

'What do you mean?' she riposted.

'Let me gather an army together. Let me do battle against the Duke of

Parma. Monseigneur hath proved himself unwilling. We court disaster by
allowing him thus to fritter away both time and men. It was Turenne
yesterday; it will be Condé to-morrow, or Montmorency or Bussy—
anybody, any unfortunate or incompetent who is willing to serve him! In
God's name, Madame la Reyne,' urged Gilles, with a tone of bitter reproach,
'do not let us procrastinate any longer! Cambray is in her death-agony. Let
me go to her aid!'

She made a final, half-hearted protest.

'No! No!' she said. 'You cannot, must not leave your post. If you do not
keep watch over Monsieur, we shall lose him altogether.'
 'Better that,' he retorted grimly, 'than that we should lose Cambray.'

'There you are right, Messire. Cambray now is bound up with our
honour.'

She had become like a child—so different to her former self-assured,

almost arrogant self. Gilles, whose firm purpose gave him the strength, had
little ado to mould her to his will. She had become malleable, yielding,
humble in her helplessness. Marguerite de Navarre was actually ready to
listen to advice, to let another think for her and scheme. She accepted
counsel with a blindness and submissiveness which were truly pathetic.
And Gilles—with the vision before him of Jacqueline enduring all the
horrors of a protracted siege—was experiencing a semblance of happiness
at thought that at last he would have the power of working for her. So he set
to with a will, to make the harassed Queen see eye to eye with him, to make
her enter into his ideas and his plans.

'Your Majesty,' he said, 'has offered me the richest lands in Aquitaine. I

entreat you to take them back and to give me their worth in money, and I'll
gather together an army that will know how to fight. Then, when we are
sure of victory, Monsieur can come and himself take command. But in the
meanwhile, we will beat the Duke of Parma and relieve Cambray. This I
swear to you by the living God!'

Marguerite was soon swept off her feet by his determination and his
enthusiasm. With naïve surrender, she laid down her burden and left Gilles
to shoulder it. Now at last he could work for his Jacqueline! He could fight
for her, die for her when the time came! He could drive the foe from her
gates and bequeath to her, ere he fell, the freedom of the country she loved
so well.

Night and day he toiled, not only with heart and will but with the frenzy
of despair; while Marguerite, ever hopeful, ever deluded where that
contemptible brother of hers was concerned, flew to Paris to keep a watch
over him, then back to La Fère to concert with Gilles—hoping against hope
that all would still be well, ready to forgive Monsieur even for the seventy
times seventh time, confident that she would still see him entering Cambray