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The Private Man
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...
Hiya!
OK, being a majorette could be considered a job. Do you get benefits in the off chance you
suffer a majorette related injury? Hey, gotta ask!
And yes, I read profiles.
I do like dogs, especially big, slobbery dogs that jump into laps at the worst possible
moment.
As for the snorkeling bit, just keep your breathing tube clear! lol.
I’d like to start a bit of a correspondence with the intent of actually meeting at some
point soon. After all, the purpose of online dating is to go out on actual dates!
Ciao Bella!
[Follow up – This women did indeed return my message and seemed enthusiastic about
corresponding. But like so many before, she went “poof” and I never heard back from her.]
I use the boldface part of the message on every message.
Don’t make any overt sexual references. That’s a big a no no. From what I am told, there is a subset
of guys on Plenty of Fish who are looking for sexual hookups. If that is your goal, get yourself over
to Ashley Madison or Adult Friend Finder and stop polluting the waters at Plenty of Fish.
Again, it is extremely important that you find something unique in her profile and mention it in some
way. The biggest complaint from women is that men don’t read profiles. Read her damned profile!
Once she receives your message, she’ll look at your profile. Yes, women look at photos and if you’re
not her physical type, then it is highly unlikely that your message will even be read. This is the
frustrating part. Try not to let it bother you. In fact, this part of the process is enormously frustrating
because of the constant and never ending rejection. If there enough women in your area, you should
be sending out at least five new messages every day. Yup, that’s almost 50 each week. Expect
constant and never ending rejection.
Naturally, you will seek out the most physically attractive women first. These are the women who
gets dozens of messages daily from fawning guys. These are the women who will also reject you
unless you are devastatingly good looking (male model material), in ferociously good shape, over 6
feet tall, and wealthy. Your incredibly good photos and stunning words will reveal all this. There are
just a few guys like this. They’re the ones dating all the attractive women you see in the profiles.
Why do you think so many attractive women write “no players” in their profiles? It’s because they
got pumped and dumped by those very, very few guys who meet these women’s insanely high
standards. Those guys, those really alpha guys, have no reason to commit and so they play the field
because they can.
So, you will get realistic about whom you might attract once it’s clear that the online hotties aren’t
responding to your messages. No one ever said that this part of online dating is supposed to be an
emotionally rewarding experience. And seriously, going after 20-somethings? Save that for real life
and not online.
Oh, don’t wink on Match.com. Just don’t. Send a real message. As for Plenty of Fish, if you make a
woman a “favorite”, follow up with a message within a couple of days. The “Meet” feature is new to
PoF and I’m still trying to figure out if it’s worth it.
If a woman winks at you on Match and you’re actually attracted to her, send a message. The same
goes for when a woman makes you a favorite on PoF. If you’re not attracted to them, you can be
polite and send a rejection message. Or, just ignore them. After all, that’s what the vast majority of
women do.
If fate and fortune smile upon you, she returns with a positive message. Don’t expect an immediate
return message, even if she is online. Shit, don’t expect any return message. If you’re the average
guy, you might get a message or two for every dozen or so you send out.
Sidebar – Instant Messages:
They can work but be sparing about them. The best time for instant messages is right after
dinner. But unless you can do really, really well with words, don’t expect much. Lead with
Emotional Pornography
[This particular post is getting lots of hits. I urge readers to check out the rest of this blog. I also
urge readers to comment.]
I’m not much into visual pornography. I prefer mine written as words because my imagination is far
superior to any porn producer. I don’t particularly care if a man watches porn. It’s his business, not
mine.
There is a great excoriation of visual pornography, especially from women. There is a constant
yammer about false expectations of sexuality, ruined relationships, etc. The relationship advice
websites are full of women moaning about their men watching porn. Feh, most of it is simply sexual
gatekeeping and control. A woman wants to control a man’s sexuality – usually by saying “no”
constantly – and porn is a direct threat to that control. Relationship dynamics at their very worst.
Women have their own form of pornography and it’s a well-respected and lucrative industry. Think
Lifetime channel movies. Think romance novels. Think romantic comedies from Hollywood. Think
vampire books. But it’s still pornography, a fantasy in words and images. I am convinced that women
actually expect their relationship fantasies to be born out in real life. I see proof of that in womens’
online dating profiles. “Where is my Prince Charming?” reads a common headline. So here we have a
grown women looking for a fairytale. But on weekends with the gal pals, it’s off to the latest
Hollywood romantic comedy where that fairytale is reinforced as “reality” in her mind.
Chick flicks are nothing more than an emotional drug. It’s emotional heroin for dames. I reserve
special loathing for “Eat, Pray, Love”. That’s the emotional pornography of the divorce fantasy.
What women don’t understand is that it’s a complete fantasy. It’s make-believe. It’s a fiction
conjured up by clever writers and pushed by capitalistic publishers and movie producers looking to
make a buck. Do we even need to talk about the princess fantasy and the Disney industrial complex?
Let’s leave that one for the child psychologists.
Emotional pornography is ruining relationships even before they get started. Women have completely
unrealistic expectations about romance. They have a script in their heads and George Clooney is the
supporting actor. So they put up the online dating profiles and wait. Prince Charming is right around
the corner. The next online message. The next IM. Meanwhile, the Greek chorus of her friends is
singing “Never Settle!” That cluttering of estrogen on the side of the stage has also well consumed
that emotional pornography.
Let’s complicate things further still. If a hapless fellow decides to be that romantic Prince Charming
and pitch woo at a fair damsel with lots of romance, he will be considered a schmuck, a chump, a
doormat, a pushover. Even women over 40 get all tingly in their nether regions for Bad Boys. Bad
Boys aren’t romantic. Bad Boys don’t give gifts or call up just to say “thinking of you”. Bad Boys
have skittles (hat tip to Roissy).
Fixing up a man is also part of the overall relationship fantasy. A woman finds a diamond in the
rough and works feverishly to make him “better”. Should she succeed in her project man, she
Finding “Chemistry”
The word “chemistry” the most overused word in all the online dating profiles. This is especially true
for the over 40 crowd of women. They all so desperately seek chemistry. I am quite tempted to
include a photo of a chemistry set in my online dating profile with the caption, “Look ladies, I gots da
chemistry!” I doubt anyone will get the joke.
Chemistry for a woman is her conscience acknowledgment that she will have sex with you. That’s all
there is to it. When she feels chemistry, her vagina tingles and she’s mentally planning a sexual
encounter with you. Men aren’t the only ones thinking with their reproductive organs. If you connect
with her on a more intellectual and emotional level, she’s not only planning for sex, she’s planning
her new life with you.
It has been said that a woman knows within the first few seconds of meeting a man that she wants
him sexually. Sadly, I can’t vouch for this. I do know that the demands for “chemistry” are
omnipresent in the online dating profiles. I would say that women want to know within the first few
seconds of meeting and they actively look for men who would make them feel the swift torrent of
sexual desire on the first meeting. This is what the whole first date bullshit is all about. She wants to
know quickly and efficiently if you are a potential sexual partner.
Before you get all excited about the prospect of sexual chemistry, you have to understand that even
the most sexually liberated woman isn’t going to welcome you into bed on the first date. Consider the
awesome power of social expectations. A nice lady doesn’t jump a man’s bones unless some element
of the dating ritual is completed. And while she might know in the first few seconds of the date that
there’s going to be some nookie at some point, she is not going to reveal that fact overtly. Proper
ladies of a certain age don’t do that sort of thing. Oh, there will be only passing discussion of the
hypocrisy that many of these proper ladies were complete and utter floozies in their youth.
So here we have you on a date and you feel a strong sexual desire for the women sipping wine with
you. You want her bad. Maybe she wants you just as badly but she’s being coy. She’s not the type of
girl, after all. Never mind the threesome she had with her roommate and her boyfriend way back in
college. She was drunk. And he was really, really cute. Oh, and forget her experiences with swinging
with her second ex-husband. That was just a phase and while it might have been a lot of fun, she’s
not like that anymore. She’ll sip her wine and gaze at you, her lady parts smoldering away. How do
you know she’s smoldering? Read the next paragraph twice.
The question for you is, have you learned to read body language and non-verbal cues? If you haven’t,
your dating life is going to be simply wretched and you will be wailing and gnashing your teeth on a
regular basis. Frankly, if you don’t understand a woman’s body language and non-verbal cues, you
are a clueless putz and deserve every bad date you get. There will be no lessons in body language
here. Go out on the interwebs and learn. The PUA websites are a good start. You will also learn about
your own body language and how to build comfort and attraction with women.
There is one fundamental weakness to the whole notion of chemistry. It assumes that chemistry is a
Why block someone? That seems like an angry and immature act. And when do you decide
she has “disappeared?” After she doesn’t respond in a week? A month?
Men are not women. While blocking a profile might seem angry and immature to you, it is actually
reason and logic at work. It’s men working a consistent system. I advise no more than a week before
giving up and blocking the profile. If a woman finds the guy attractive, she should be responding
sooner. More than a week indicates lack of interest. It’s just that simple.
I have many, many guys who have been unresponsive or disappear. In fact, I think this is
more common with males than with females. But I would never block them or take it
personally. I just assume that they got busy or were not interested. If it’s odd, I’ll usually
send them a funny email, perhaps with a multiple choice response form to try and figure out
why the communication stopped. When they want to contact me they will, but if I’ve
blocked them, they can’t! Many times guys who have “disappeared” will reappear and
apologize. I won’t date them, but often we do reconnect as friends.
I have to say it again and again. Blocking a profile is not taking it personally to a guy, it’s simply
being efficient. Once again, men are not women. As for the guys who have disappeared and
reappeared, what is their reward? You put them in the FriendZone. There is a phrase for this type of
guy: “average frustrated chump”. Most guys have lots of friends in real life and they are online
dating, not online friending.
I’m someone who almost always responds because I want to be nice. If I’m not interested in
dating, I let the guy know that, but some will want to continue to be pen-pals when I’m not
interested in that. What should I say: “Leave me alone?” I usually don’t do that, but I do not
respond quickly and I hope they come to realize that I’m not interested in being chatty. If
need be, I tell them that I’d prefer to just be Facebook friends or let them know that I don’t
have time to be pen-pals. Still, if I take awhile to respond, it is no reason to consider me a
“vapor” or block me. I think that’s going too far.
It is certainly more polite to respond, but a lack of response should not be taken personally.
Many times people are not even checking their email, but when they do check, if you’ve
blocked someone, she won’t even be able to respond.
If people aren’t checking their messages regularly (as in daily) they are simply not serious about
online dating and so blocking that profile separates the wheat from the chaff. This is why I will
sometimes recommend a fee-based online dating website. If a woman is actually paying the monthly
fee, she’s serious about online dating and is far more likely to be checking her emails and sending out
her messages to guys. That also goes for the guys. If they are simply using the free website to idly
troll the waters of single women, he’s simply not serious about finding a relationship. He’s likely
looking for quick pick-ups and “casual dating”.
Anyway, you, of course, can block if you want, and she probably won’t even know it, but I
think that is the immature behavior.
Immature to you, efficient and process-oriented to me. It’s a numbers game for men. As you are a
never settle kind of lady, have you read the post on Emotional Pornography?
If you think all men are pigs, expect to live alone when you get older.
Rich, attractive, nice – you can only pick two when dealing with single men.
If you ask a man on a first date how much he earns or what kind of car he drives, he gets to
look at your bare breasts while you are still in the restaurant.
If you answer your cell phone during a first date, he has the right to immediately get up and
leave with no explanation.
If you expect a man to pay for everything, you’ll need a strong jaw and a good tongue.
The karmic retribution for putting good men into the FriendZone while getting hurt by bad boys
is to become bitter, angry, and the owner of at least three cats.
You are not a princess no matter what your T-Shirt states. If you really think you are a princess,
then you’d better have the body of a stripper, the face of an angel, and the personality of a saint.
Even so, only Prince Charming can marry a princess and Prince Charming is gay.
Your single girlfriends don’t want you to have a happy relationship with a man, that’s why
they’re single and always telling you to “never settle”. Consider this when listening to their
advice.
A man won’t say “I love you” until he is 100% confident that you won’t use this against him.
This might take years, be patient because men can be sensitive, too.
Taking the time to look your best is not optional. After all, if you can catch his eye then you
can catch his heart. Being agreeable, pleasant, and happy will seal the deal.
Smiles and laughter are contagious and can melt any man’s heart.
You are entitled to nothing. However, you can expect rewards for working hard for something.
Before you say “it’s all his fault” after a bad date, look closely in the mirror.
It’s not always men making you unhappy. Don’t let bitter women convince you of that.
Being strong doesn’t mean being bitchy. Wise women have known this for generations.
You can’t have it all. Please have the good sense to realize this.
Don’t expect men to fall all over you just because you are a woman. Men have learned Game.
If he doesn’t call you back, it means he’s just not really into you. Deal with it.
If you meet a man, don’t find reasons to reject him or things to change in him. Find reasons to
accept him and respect him.
The common word in “drink whore” and “dinner whore” is still whore.
Sorry girl, it’s not all about you so you can change your T-Shirt now and grow up.
Many men would rather chase women, not girls, so grow up if you don’t want to be single
anymore.
Given the current state of divorce laws, don’t expect any man to marry you. It’s not you, it’s
just how things are right now.
Hanging around gay men won’t give you any useful insights about straight men. Frankly,
always hanging around gay men is kind of creepy. Um, they think it’s kind of creepy, too.
No fat chicks” is the man’s version of “If you’re rich, I’m single”.
Advertising “Bitch” on your T-Shirt or sweatpants won’t get you any dates. No man cares for
that attitude.
Deferring self-gratification is a sign of maturity. You can wait until dinner even if you’re
hungry now.
The real world is pushy, rude, and often unpleasant. That doesn’t mean you have to be the same
way.
I’m a friendly, easy going, fun loving person. I’m very active and like to keep busy. I enjoy
having get togethers with my family and friends which always includes food and wine. I’m
honest, thoughtful and loyal.
I’m adventurous and love to travel and would like to meet someone that has similiar
interests.
It only took five nanoseconds to find one. I kept the spelling mistakes intact. Yes, it’s from a real
profile and is amazingly similar to about a zillion other profiles I have read.
Worse, a woman will find a great photo of someone else and write real words behind it. Have fun on
that first date when the svelte, beautiful woman online turns out to be a walrus in real life. In effect,
it’s a fake profile.
Additionally, the English may not be quite right. The profile or the message to you is just a bit off.
Words are put in the wrong places. Now, if you happen to live in a city where many people are not
native English speakers, then you might have run across a real profile by a woman who is still
mastering English.
The third biggest indicator of a fake profile is a short list of requirements in the man, especially age.
A hot babe is seeking a man from 25 to 50?!? Oh, pah-lease. I know that some men are dense. I know
that some men are after poontang and nothing else. Regardless, let’s be real. If you think she’s out of
www.TheRedArchive.com Page 33 of 1019
your league, she likely is and it’s likely to be a fake profile. Note – this does not apply to real life
Game. We’re only talking about online dating.
Another huge indicator of a fake profile? She’s not from this country. She’s from Russian or Nigeria?
Block those profiles, move on. Please, it’s for the sake of your self esteem and your wallet.
There has been some discussion on other blogs that some online dating websites create the fake
profiles to lure guys into signing up or continuing to pay. I have only experienced this once or twice
Match.com. I got a wink from an attractive women and when I went to check on the profile, it had
suddenly been yanked within minutes. It was kind of odd but as I was already corresponding with
several women, I wasn’t disappointed at the deleted profile.
Gentlemen, beware the fake profile. If you see one, post it up here.
A Confession
I really do want to see men and women in intimate and satisfying relationships. While the marriage
contract is a terrible business arrangement, men and women can be committed to each other,
regardless, and be very happy. I want men and women to actually respect each other in the context of
intimate relationships. I find it wonderful to see an elderly man and woman walking together and
holding hands.
Just call me an old softy.
The challenge lies in breaking down the social expectations which sabotage relationships even before
they begin. Both men and women too often yield to those social expecations because they think it’s
the right thing to do when, in fact, the contemporary social expectations of the past two generations
have been poison for marriage and relationships.
I am not advocating returning to the past. I merely wish to open some eyes and point out that for
many social expectations there is at least one negative unintended consequence that results in
relationship fallout.
Some examples:
Social Expectation: All men are boobs.
Relationship Fallout: A man’s needs and desires are not to be taken seriously.
Social Expectation: Women can have it all.
Relationship Fallout: Stressful, hectic lives where the relationship is low on the priority list. See also
the divorce fantasy.
Social Expectation: Men should be more expressive emotionally.
Relationship Fallout: Loss of respect by women. The feminine is attracted to the masculine.
Social Expectation: Women must be more masculine emotionally to be strong and independent in her
career.
Relationship Fallout: That masculine strength is brought home and into the relationship leading to
conflict and loss of desire.
Social Expectation: The Knight in Shining Armor will rescue me and I will live happily ever after. I
can only date the most attractive women even though I have little to offer.
Relationship Fallout: Unrealistic and therefore unfulfilled expectations.
For both men and women, I urge you to ask yourself the following question in your dating and
relationship-seeking endeavors: “Am I doing this only because I’m expected to?”
For many years, I fell in line with the social expectations. It cost me a marriage. I’m not making those
mistakes again. I’m also completely ignoring the conventional wisdom about dating and
relationships. The conventional wisdom is horribly wrong and the statistics bear it out.
The following generations have it much, much worse.
Is This Thin?!?
I peruse profiles.
It’s what I do.
So, I find this profile of a 41 year old woman on Plenty of Fish. She describes herself in words
thusly:
I’m a bright, sexy, classy woman who is seeking someone special to enhance my already
great life. I like to have fun and am equally up for a night on the town as a quiet night at
home cooking dinner and watching a movie. I can throw a mean dinner party. I love to
dance. I have amazing kids, a wonderful family, great friends…I’m a very lucky girl.
This is “thin”?!
This is average. Note how her hips are wider than her shoulders. This is aspirational lying at it’s
best/worst. The rest of her photos all show just head and shoulders shots. She’s not unattractive by
any means. But thin? Nice try, cupcake.
This is a better example of thin:
THE END
THE DOROTHY DALE SERIES
By MARGARET PENROSE
12 mo. Illustrated
By MARGARET PENROSE
By AGNES MILLER
By MARGARET PENROSE
By ALICE B. EMERSON