Nostalgia

I don't know if I'm nostalgic per se. I mean in retrospect I do spend the
majority of my time looking through old videos but I don't know if it's because
I'm nostalgic. the definition reads; a sentimental longing or wishful affection
for the past typically for a period or place with happy personal associations but
I really don't know if that's what I feel. I feel mourning and I feel grief, I feel
aching deep pains for the girl that I see in those videos, for the innocence
maybe or just because I won't feel it again. I don't want to go through the
talking stage with the boy from sixth grade again or attend another middle
school dance but I grieve for that part of my life that is over, I mourn for the
years that have past so suddenly and I cry for the present me that has to look
back at those videos to remember those moments, those feelings.

I miss the comfort of having time. I yearn to start it all over from the beginning,
from the second I was born and the thing about nostalgia is that you ignore the
pain you went through in between the lines of your memories but I’m not
leaving that out. I want to feel it all again, I want to go through everything all
over, I just want one more time.

I look in the mirror and have absolutely no idea of how I got here. I miss
someone that I carry around every single day. how do you continue to miss
someone so deeply that you were never apart from? how do you cope with
mourning yourself? how do you sit in your bedroom and watch videos from
years before and not look in the mirror astonished that you will never
experience anything quite like that ever again? nostalgia is not what I live in. a
sentimental feel is not what I feel, I feel grief, I feel loss, I feel dead