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Self-Rejection - Overcoming Negative Self-Talk
Self-Rejection - Overcoming Negative Self-Talk
Contents [show]
INTRO
Psychological Self-Defense
Getting rejected hurts.
And it can have real-world consequences when it dents our self-esteem, since low self-
esteem people are less effective at life.
Aesop’s fable of the fox and the grapes is a famous case of self-rejection.
The fox tries to reach the grapes to eat them, but cannot manage to do so.
Instead of insisting or admitting failure, he walks away in fake disdain, saying that the
grapes are not good.
Power & Status Offense / Self-Defense
Rejection affects power and social status.
It’s not just a psychological phenomenon, but also a social one that interconnects with
group dynamics, interpersonal dynamics and, of course, social power dynamics.
Generally speaking, the one who rejects is higher power and/or gains power, and the
one who gets rejected is lower power and/or loses power.
So an initial fear of rejection turns into self-rejection, which in turn turns into pre-
emptive rejection to defend against ego hurt and power losses (power protecting).
It might sound complex, but it’s quite simple and chances are that you’ve experienced
it already, and maybe even did it yourself.
For example, you think that someone is out of your league, and instead of being
excited when you get to talk to them, you pretend you don’t care and act aloof.
Self-Rejection in Dating
Dating is one of the areas of socialization where emotions are highest.
That means that people are more likely to get emotional and… Emotionally hurt.
So you can expect to see a lot of self-rejection in dating.
By the way, for full credit, early pick-up coach Sebastian Drake first came up with this
construct and called it “auto-rejection”.
We called it “self-rejection” on TPM as we feel it’s more intuitive and descriptive, and
extended its application to all socialization rather than just dating.
Men are most used to thinking -and fearing- in terms of female rejection, rather than
self-rejection, so most men don’t understand how easily they can lose women to
self-rejection.
Paradoxically, the higher value he is and the more she likes him, the higher the odds
that he will lose women to self-rejection -unless he’s a power-aware man, that is-.
That’s because most men are used to men chasing women. And they aren’t used to
women chasing men.
So they don’t understand how challenging, including emotionally challenging and risky
it can be for a woman to chase.
Most men don’t realize that since women don’t usually chase, any unit of
interest/chasing from a woman is like 10x of the male equivalent.
That means that, oftentimes, by simply looking at you a woman is already chasing
you.
She’s often not gonna give you more than that as a stranger, or more than opening a
conversation in a social setting.
And if the man doesn’t realize it’s a sign of interest and doesn’t act on it, the woman
will often self-reject and write him off.
When he misses her indicators of interest: she thinks that she made it
obvious, he doesn’t make a move, and she writes him off as either non-
interested, or too socially challenged
When he doesn’t move things forward: if a man beats around the bush
too long, the woman loses interest in the man and she writes him off as a
romantic partner
When he stalls at key junctures of dating: for example, if he waits a
whole week after a first night of intimacy, many women will write him off
as not interest and/or unable to get a relationship with him. They’ll turn
cold, potentially resentful towards him, and move on
When he doesn’t give back: if the woman invests, chases or cares for him
but he gives nothing back, many women will eventually turn cold and
move on
When she’s horny but he doesn’t make a move: this stumps some men
because it’s not how men are wired. If a man would have sex with a girl
today, he’d have sex with her tomorrow or the day after, all the same. But
girl self-reject if he doesn’t move on the green light
As you can see from the above, self-rejections often happen as a misunderstanding
or as men’s mistakes to read her signals of interest.
This is why it’s important to understand self-rejection in order to date well.
She thinks he’s too much for her, which can happen when he was
actually interested in her, but failed to properly qualify her, reward her for
her investment, and generally make her feel good
She thinks he’s not interested, funny enoguh, sometimes the man was
just playing dating games, waiting, or trying to be cool and aloof when all
he had to do was to show more interest, be more genuine, or move things
forward
Following emotional pain to regain self-esteem: for example, if he waits for a
week before calling her after a one-night stand, she may be hurt and turn sour
toward him. After one week, she will then be emotionally closed off to him even
though she might have liked him
Following physical excitement that didn’t lead to a sexual release: if
she was ready and horny and he didn’t make a move, she will go home -or
find another guy- and blame the man for not giving her what she wanted
To prevent emotional pain: for example, she thinks she may get a one-
night stand with him, but not a relationship, so she rejects either
Becuase he doesn’t take action and she thinks he’s not a resolute
leader. This less about self-protection, but it’s quite common, so read
more:
When she feels like she has given him all the signs and green lights possible, but he
does not act, women feel either spurned or disappointed.
And they will write him off as ineffective at dating, or as a poor leader. They’ll think
they wasted their time with you.
Of course, sometimes women think they’ve given him all the signs, but truly haven’t.
And that’s why it’s often a great idea to test for her compliance and readiness to move,
so you never miss your opportunity to move forward.
She goes from warm to cold: she’s thinking that she’s given you so
much, but you haven’t given her anything, and now she starts to pull back
She complains about something, or criticizes you: an indirect way of
saying “you’re driving me away. Women often use indirect ways to hide
their true reason
She’s aloof and cold: this might be a sign of pre-emptive self-rejection
She’s giving you too much for you to handle. If you can’t give back or
move forward, get ready for self-rejection (see example below)
With time I’ve learned that whenever a woman is giving me too much, risks are very
high she will self-reject.
For that reason, I don’t even think it’s a good sign to be getting too much, too early.
An example:
She was giving me too much, I wasn’t willing or able to follow up and give back that
much, so I knew that this was a big candidate for self-rejection.
Male Self-Rejection
Male self-rejection is different than female self-rejection.
Men more rarely self-reject because women don’t show interest or because things
don’t progress quickly enough.
Here’s how:
Pre-Emptive Self-Rejection
Pre-emptive self-rejection is a sub-type of self-rejection that happens before there is
even a single social interaction.
To explain it, imagine the bars below represent the “personal value” of three different
people:
And now imagine they’re all out in a mixer event where people move around and meet
new people for networking, business, or… Whatever else might arise.
In a world free of psychology and self-rejection, both Amber (A) and Christy (C) want to
meet Black (B).
And Black could easily get friendship, romance, or at least a warm welcome by both
Amber and Christy.
But in the real world, it’s not as straightforward.
People also have a sense for what their personal value is, and they know that higher
value people might not be thrilled to hobnob with them.
That’s why Amber might want to approach Black, but she will not do so. Amber might
be afraid that if she says hi, Black might spurn her.
Amber might be so deep in self-denial, that she doesn’t even admit to herself that
she’d like to get to know Black.
So if someone asks her about him, she may even say “he’s not my type”.
Amber might start to run a whole narrative based on her imaginary rejection, assigning
negative traits and behaviors to someone she hasn’t even met.
When she notices herself looking towards Black but Black not looking at her, she
subconsciously feels diminished and she tells herself “he’s one of those rich assholes
who takes advantage of people”.
If Black approached her, she might even be cold and standoffish.
Pre-emptive self-rejection can become more common as you grow. It happens when
people don’t think you will accept them, and they self-reject themselves before you do
so.
If you are high-value, this is relevant for you because you could end up making
enemies just by being high-value.
Offensive Self-Rejection
Sometimes what’s an actual self-rejection can look like a personal dislike.
Generally speaking, it’s people with a fragile ego and fragile self-esteem who
masquerade their self-rejection as a rejection and/or personal dislike.
Says psychologist Albert Ellis:
The best defense against rejection is a good offense: Get the others
before they get you.
Some attackers hide their insecurity by being subtler. They are quietly
disapproving, superior, distant, judgmental, sarcastic, negative, and/or
condescending toward people who may not approve of them. They hold
everyone at arm’s length, or further. Their goal is to keep others off
balance in order to protect their own fragile egos. They are just as
afraid of what other people think of them, but they hide behind a wall.
Preventing Self-Rejection
There are three levels of preventing self-rejection:
1. In dating
2. Socially
3. With yourself
1. Escalate whenenever she’s giving you the green light with investment and chasing
2. Give back whenenver she’s investing, chasing, building you up, or showing
interest. You can give back mirroring her, pulling her up, or qualifying her
And that’s far more likely to happen when you look like someone who rejects people,
makes them feel bad about themselves, or make them lose social status.
To put it in the positive, become a warmer person, and make people feel welcome and
appreciated.
That way, people feel like your value is potentially available to them. Or, at least, that
you will not disempower them with a public display of aloofness or rejection.
It’s low-warmth individuals who drive people into self-rejection
And:
When people are afraid of being vulnerable, they self-reject others so that they can put
up a facade of fake strength and high-value.
Now, being vulnerable can easily be over-done and disempower you.
However, as for everything, balance.
And there is also much power in not being afraid of emotional pain. And especially not
when the social and life costs of emotional pain are little or nil -and that is often the
case-.
Lucio Buffalmano
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