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Fast Friends

Communication According to the Self-Determination Theory (SDT), humans have a fundamental need to
connect with other humans (Deci & Ryan, 2008). Our survival and well-being depend on
Exercise
it. However, most of us are starving for human connection for one simple reason—we are
45 min terrified of being vulnerable. To connect with others and develop a sense of closeness,
we need to be willing to be open and be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the key to authentic
Group
connection because it is the courage to be open to another human (Brown, 2013).
Yes
Being vulnerable with others is not always easy. Many of us are afraid that if others find out
who we are, they will reject us. While we may try to appear perfect, reliable, or intelligent
to connect with others, paradoxically, this has the opposite effect. In reality, people can
detect inauthenticity in others, hindering connection. If we allow ourselves to be completely
open and vulnerable, not only do we benefit personally, but our relationships improve, and
we may even become more attractive (Brown, 2013). According to Brown, “we are drawn
to people who are real and down-to-earth… We love authenticity, and we know that life
is messy and imperfect.” Humans feel an intrinsic comfort in the presence of authenticity.
Moreover, someone who is real and vulnerable gives one space and permission to be
the same.

Social psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron developed the Fast Friends procedure to
facilitate the formation of connection and closeness between people. The procedure
mirrors the gradual getting-to-know-you process that relationships typically undergo, only
at a more accelerated pace. The procedure includes 36 questions, such as ‘Do you have
a secret hunch about how you will do?’ and ‘If you could change anything about the way
you were raised, what would it be?’ The questions are designed to encourage people to
be open with one another at the same time and at a similar pace, reducing the likelihood
that the sharing will feel one-sided. It offers space for one’s partner to respond positively
to his or her self-disclosure—with understanding, validation, and care—in a way that can
also enhance closeness.

The Fast Friends procedure has been empirically tested and found to be effective. For
instance, Aron and colleagues (1997) found that unacquainted people reported a greater
increase in feelings of closeness compared to a comparison group consisting of pairs who
asked one another 36 superficial questions instead. This finding was true regardless of
whether people shared certain core beliefs and attitudes or whether they expected the
exercise to work initially. Another study found the Fast Friends procedure promoted cross-
race friendship by breaking down barriers between groups and reducing prejudice (Page-
Gould, Mendoza-Denton, & Tropp, 2008). The researchers found that cross-race pairs
experienced significant feelings of friendship and commonality (Page-Gould, Mendoza-
Denton, & Tropp, 2008).

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Author

This tool was developed by Aron Arthur (Aron et al., 1997) who granted permission for it
to be used in the Positive Psychology Toolkit.

Goal

The goal of this tool is to facilitate the formation of connection and closeness between
people.

Advice

■ Clients can use this practice with multiple people with whom they want to develop
a deeper connection—but if their answers start to feel routine, they should consider
making up their list of questions that become increasingly more personal.
■ This exercise also works very well in groups. It can be used both to strengthen the
bond of group members who already know each other well or as a starting point for
building a relationship among members of a new group.
■ This exercise can be used in couples therapy to enhance closeness and passionate
love within a couple.
■ Note that a critical feature of the exercise is that the questions go from something
that two people say to each other when they have just met to become gradually more
personal and intimate over time.
■ Before commencing the exercise, it is essential to clarify that the client and his or her
partner are comfortable with sharing personal information.
■ Advise clients that the exercise works best when they are talking to someone one on
one and face to face. Depending on the clients’ presenting issues, they might choose
to complete the exercise when meeting someone for a cup of coffee, while traveling,
or at a party. They could use this method even with people they have known for
a long time to strengthen their existing friendship. The exercise could also be used
with business colleagues, old friends, or even a relative with whom they would like to
be closer.
■ The questions can be provided in list-form or as individual cards (see the Appendix for
the card version).
■ A creative variation of this exercise would be to ask clients or group members to
generate one or more questions to which they would like to know the answer. The
questions in the present tool can be introduced as an example before participants
generate their questions.

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References

■ Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997).
The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some
preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363-377.

■ Brown, B. (2013). The power of vulnerability: Teachings on authenticity, connection, and

courage. Sounds True.

■ Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2008). Self-determination theory: A macrotheory of human

motivation, development, and health. Canadian Psychology, 49(3), 182.

■ Page-Gould, E., Mendoza-Denton, R., & Tropp, L. R. (2008). With a little help from
my cross-group friend: Reducing anxiety in intergroup contexts through cross-group
friendship. Journal of personality and social psychology, 95(5), 1080.

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Fast Friends

Instructions

This exercise involves getting to know someone on a deeper level. You need a partner for the exercise, and
this could be someone you know well or someone you are just getting to know. Before trying it, make sure
that both you and your partner are comfortable with the idea of sharing personal thoughts and feelings.
For 15 minutes, take turns asking one another the questions in Set I below. Each person should answer
each question in alternating order (so that a different person responds first to each new question). After 15
minutes, move on to Set II, following the same method. After 15 minutes, spend 15 minutes on Set III.

Set I questions

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, who would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last
60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II questions

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what
would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

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16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would suddenly die, would you change anything about the way you
are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. You and your partner, alternate in describing the characteristics of the other person that you consider
as positive. Both of you share five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III questions

25. With your partner, make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room
feeling...”

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share...”

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what the other person
should know about you.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not
say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about him/her [already].

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you
most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you
have time to make a final dash to save any one item safely. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Additionally,
ask your partner to reflect on how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

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Appendix

Set I questions

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, who 2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
would you want as a dinner guest?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever 4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To 6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and
someone else? retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old
for the last 60 years of your life, which would
you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you 8. Name three things you and your partner
will die? appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? 10. If you could change anything about the way
you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your 12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained
life story in as much detail as possible. any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II questions

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about 14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of
yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
what would you want to know?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of 16. What do you value most in a friendship?
your life?

17. What is your most treasured memory? 18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would 20. What does friendship mean to you?
suddenly die, would you change anything about
the way you are now living? Why?

21. What roles do love and affection play in 22. You and your partner, alternate in describing
your life? the characteristics of the other person that you
consider as positive. Both of you share five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you 24. How do you feel about your relationship with
feel your childhood was happier than most other your mother?
people’s?

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Set III questions
25. Both of you make three true “we” statements.
For instance, “We are both in this room feeling...”
27. If you were going to become a close friend
with your partner, please share what the other
person should know about you.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing
moment in your life.
31. Tell your partner something that you like
about him/her [already].
33. If you were to die this evening with no
opportunity to communicate with anyone, what
would you most regret not having told someone?
Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Of all the people in your family, whose death
would you find most disturbing? Why?
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had
someone with whom I could share...”
28. Tell your partner what you like about them;
be very honest this time, saying things that you
might not say to someone you’ve just met.
30. When did you last cry in front of another
person? By yourself?
32. What, if anything, is too serious about being
joked about?
35. Your house, containing everything you own,
catches fire. After saving your loved ones and
pets, you have time to make a final dash to save
any one item safely. What would it be? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your
partner’s advice on how he or she might handle
it. Additionally, ask your partner to reflect on
how you seem to be feeling about the problem
you have chosen.
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