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Small Talk to Build Connection

Communication Human beings are social beings. Yet, many of us tend to avoid rather than seek out social
connections with strangers. It is as though we refrain from connecting with those we do
Exercise
not know and “save the connection” for those we do. This seems a shame, since we spend
3 min much of our lives in the company of strangers (e.g., commuting, shopping, traveling, waiting
rooms) and since feeling socially connected increases happiness and health, whereas
Client
feeling disconnected is depressing and unhealthy (Holt-Lunstad, Smith, & Layton, 2010;
Yes
House, Landis, & Umberson, 1988). Moreover, according to self-determination theory,
relatedness is one of three basic psychological needs (Ryan & Deci, 2017). Fulfillment of
the need for relatedness is regarded as an essential psychological nutrient for optimal
functioning and well-being.

Researchers have examined the experience of connecting with strangers by making small
talk. In a study that instructed commuters on trains and buses to connect with a stranger
near them, to remain disconnected, or to commute as normal, participants reported a
more positive (and no less productive) experience when they connected than when
they did not (Epley & Schroeder, 2014). This occurred despite participants expecting the
opposite outcome, where they predicted a more positive experience in solitude. This tool
is designed to help people feel socially connected by making small talk with a stranger.

Author

This tool was created by Hugo Alberts (Ph.D.) and Lucinda Poole (PsyD).

Goal

The goal of this tool is to help clients feel socially connected by making small talk with
a stranger.

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Advice

■ Encourage clients to speak with their chosen person for a good amount of time, as the
longer the conversation, the better the connection. Remind them that their goal is to
try to get to know the person.
■ Advise clients that they should ask questions related to their immediate context.
At the supermarket, for example, one might ask, “What are you going to make with
that?” or in a clothing store, one might ask, “Do you have an event coming up to wear
that too?”
■ Recommend to clients that they come up with some go-to questions, like “Where are
you from?” and “How has your day been so far?” Having these in the back of their mind
will be valuable in case clients get stumped for conversation at the moment.
■ Remind clients to ask follow-up questions—rather than to flit from topic to topic—to
go deeper into the conversation and develop a more genuine connection.
■ This tool, in the way of a behavioral experiment, may be particularly valuable for
socially anxious clients.
■ This tool may also be adapted for use with groups. For this, instead of step 2 (as the
context is pre-determined by the particular group with which you are working), divide
the group into pairs.

References

■ Epley, N., & Schroeder, J. (2014). Mistakenly seeking solitude. Journal of Experimental
Psychology: General, 143, 1980-1999.

■ Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality
risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine, 7, Article e1000316.

■ House, J. S., Landis, K. R., & Umberson, D. (1988, July 29). Social relationships and
health. Science, 241, 540-545.

■ Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2017). Self-determination theory. Basic psychological needs in
motivation, development and wellness. Guilford Press.

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Small Talk to Build Connection

Instructions

In everyday life, many of us would opt to keep to ourselves rather than strike up a conversation with a
stranger. Because of this, we miss out on opportunities to connect with other people, which, research tells
us, is something that makes us happier and healthier. This exercise invites you to make a connection rather
than remain secluded.

Step 1: Reasons for avoiding small talk

First, let’s look at why you might not want to strike up a conversation with a stranger. In the space below,
write down as many reasons as you can think of as to why you might hesitate to make small talk with
someone you do not know. Common reasons include being rejected, making a fool of myself, and not sure
what to say.

Step 2: Choose a context for small talk

Now with more of an understanding of some of the beliefs that keep you disconnected from rather than
connected to the people around you, we’re going to set up an opportunity for you to strike up a conversation
with someone. We’re doing this because we know from research that making small talk improves our health
and happiness while remaining in isolation does the opposite. From the list below, select one context in
which you are willing to strike up a conversation with a stranger this week:

■ Public transport (e.g., on the train during morning commute)

■ At a store (e.g., a supermarket clerk, retail assistant)
■ At a restaurant (e.g., waiter, barista)
■ At an event (e.g., upcoming party; conference)
■ Local community (e.g., neighbor; a fellow parent at school pick-up)
■ Sports (e.g., fellow yoga participant)
■ Other:

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Step 3: Topic for small talk

Now consider what you might say to this person to get to know them and make a connection. To find out
something interesting about him or her and to share something about you, what might you talk about?
Based on the particular context, what could you bring up in conversation? In the space below, list some
potential topics of conversation:

Step 4: Go forth and talk!

Now that you are aware of the thoughts that might get in the way of making small talk (step 1), and you have
selected a context for potential small talk (step 2) and come up with some ideas for topics of small talk (step
3), let’s set a time and place for you to actually give a small talk a go! In the space below, consider when and
where you could strike up a conversation with a stranger in the next week and potentially build a meaningful
connection:

Step 5: Post small talk evaluation

■ How was it to talk to a stranger?

■ How did you feel immediately afterward?
■ Would you do it again?
■ What would be some benefits of people doing this more often generally?

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