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Setting Boundaries in Difficult Conversations

Communication Your boundaries represent the limits of how you will allow others to treat you and speak
to you. Setting your boundaries means assertively protecting your rights to your bodily,
Exercise
emotional, mental, or spiritual health, your ideas, your needs, and the like. It involves the
45-60 min ability to stand up for your rights in a direct way without being aggressive (e.g., belittling,
ridiculing, forceful, etc.) or passive (e.g., minimizing what you need to say, apologizing for
Group
your needs, etc.).
No
Research findings show that a lack of boundary setting is associated with various forms of
psychopathology (especially depression and social anxiety) and personality variables such
as neuroticism (e.g., Arrindell, Sanderman, Hageman, Pickersgill, Kwee, Van der Molen, &
Lingsma, 1990; Arrindell, Sanderman, Van der Molen, Van der Ende, & Mersch, 1988; St
Lawrence, 1987).

These findings suggest that setting personal boundaries can be regarded as an important
skill for cultivating a healthy life and healthy relationships. However, many people lack
this skill. People struggle to set personal boundaries for different reasons, including fear
of being disliked, rejected, or being counter-challenged (threatened, ridiculed) (Schwartz
& Gottman, 1976). Difficulty with setting boundaries has also been found to be related to
social comparison. People who tend to compare themselves unfavorably to others often
experience increased stress levels (anxiety) and a reduced capacity to perform assertive
behaviors (Gilbert & Allan, 1994).

Boundary setting can be learned, as evidenced by research on the effects of sexual assault
self-defense training. Students practice setting and enforcing clear boundaries, which
communicates to others that they know their desires and will not be easily deterred from
protecting them (Gavey, 2005). Longitudinal research on the effects of self-defense training
suggests that it helps people to become more aware of their boundaries and communicate
their needs to others (Hollander, 2004). For example, when women were taught to assert
themselves verbally and communicate their boundaries, they reported lower levels of fear
and higher levels of confidence in their ability to defend themselves (Hollander, 2004).

Author

This tool was developed by Leann Ferry.

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Goal

The goal of this tool is to equip clients with the capacity to set personal boundaries. The
tool offers self-awareness strategies, a practical model to follow, and an actual “practice”
in session to help individuals feel more capable and less fearful when they need to speak
up for themselves and verbally set personal boundaries.

Advice

■ This tool works well in combination with other tools in the Toolkit, such as those on
nonviolent communication, I-messages, direct communication, and active listening.
■ Relationships with large power differentials (e.g., the boss is crossing boundaries
of an employee) can be problematic for boundary setting. Such relationships may
require additional considerations regarding the context and the possible negative
consequences before deciding on whether to communicate boundaries in conversation
and how. It may be advisable to seek advice from a mentor, human resources specialist,
or other relevant resources before taking action. Regardless of the decision, effective
communication techniques are always advisable.
■ This tool can easily be used in a 1:1 setting with a practitioner.

References

■ Arrindell, W. A., Sanderman, R., Hageman, W. J. J. M., Pickersgill, M. J., Kwee, M.

G. T., Van der Molen, H. T. & Lingsma, M. M. (1990). Correlates of assertiveness in
normal and clinical samples: A multidimensional approach. Advances in Behaviour
Research and Therapy, 12, 153-282.

■ Arrindell, W. A., Sanderman, R., Van der Molen, H., Van der Ende, J. & Mersch, P. P.
(1988). The structure of assertiveness: A confirmatory approach. Behaviour Research
and Therapy, 26, 337-339.

■ Gavey, N. (2005). Just sex? The cultural scaffolding of rape. Routledge.

■ Gilbert, P., & Allan, S. (1994). Assertiveness, submissive behaviour and social
comparison. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 33, 295-306.

■ Hollander, J. A. (2004). “I can take care of myself”: The impact of self-defense

training on women’s lives. Violence Against Women, 10, 205-235.

■ Schwartz, R. M. & Gottman, J. M. (1976). Toward a task analysis of assertive

behaviour. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 44, 910-920.

■ St Lawrence, J. S. (1987). Assessment of assertion. In M. Hersen, R. M. Eisler & P. M.

Miller (Eds), Progress in Behaviour Modification, vol. 21. Sage.

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Setting Boundaries in Difficult Conversations

In this exercise, you are going to practice boundary setting using your real-life situations. Boundary setting
in a conversation means you are speaking up for and defending your limits when a person(s) does, says, or
makes a request for something that is not acceptable to you.

This is important because people cannot honor your limits if they do not know them, and some people will
continually do, say, or push for more than is acceptable to you. Furthermore, frequently allowing another
person(s) to cross your limits has numerous negative effects on you, including perpetuating low self-esteem;
feeling your needs and wants are not being met; not being in control of your own life; and stress, anxiety,
and resentment.

Step 1: Consider past situations in which your boundaries were crossed

In this step, you will think privately of 2-3 situations in the past in which your boundaries were crossed, or
you were “triggered” to fight, flight, or freeze in a conversation. Think of situations in which you were not
able to respond the way you would have liked. For each, describe the situation, specific boundaries that were
crossed, and your response. Appendix A lists examples of possible scenarios.

Situation 1.

What happened? Describe the situation:

Which personal boundary did the other person(s) cross in this situation? It might help to think of
values (things you consider important in life) or needs you have that were not being honored.

How did you respond?

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Situation 2.

What happened? Describe the situation:

Which personal boundary did the other person(s) cross in this situation?

How did you respond?

Situation 3.

What happened? Describe the situation:

Which personal boundary did the other person(s) cross in this situation?

How did you respond?

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Step 2: Share with a partner

In this step, you will share with a partner the situations you experienced in Step 1, boundaries that were
crossed, and your feelings and responses. Person A talks and Person B’s job is just to listen attentively. Take
about 5 minutes each, then switch.

Step 3: Map out a stronger boundary-setting response

In this step, you are going to take one of the situations you described above in Step 1 and privately map
out in more detail how you will communicate a stronger personal boundary the next time this or a similar
situation arises. Fill in your answers below:

Situation (brief statement of the scenario from above):

What exactly did the person(s) say or do to cross your boundary? Describe as much detail as you can, with
words, body language, etc., to build on your work from Step 1 above, as necessary.

How will you respond next time to communicate a firm personal boundary in response to the actions you
just described above?

Note: To use effective communication, you can consider the following these prompts in any order:

I feel (actual feelings not thoughts) when you (specific

and non blaming description of observed behavior) because (how this affects
you). Are you willing to (what you want them to do instead).

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For example:

“I notice that when I talk about my accomplishments, you give me little attention and quickly change the
subject (specific behavior). It makes me feel unimportant and resentful (feelings) because I am not getting
the attention I need in a friendship (tangible effect). I would feel much better if you could pay attention to
my accomplishments the way I do to yours” (what you want them to do).

See Appendix B for more information and examples of this specific way of boundary setting.

Brainstorm and write below 2-3 possible phrases you could use to set a firm boundary in this case.

Step 4: Imagine how the other person(s) will react to your boundary setting statements from Step 2 above

In this step, you are going to imagine what reactions you think the other person might have to the boundary
setting communication you mapped out in Step 2. Write below 2-3 possible reactions they might have –
from the best to the worst.

Best response:

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Middle response:

Worst response:

Step 5: How will you respond to their possible reactions?

In this step, you will write to yourself 2-3 possible phrases you would say to them in response to each of their
possible reactions from Step 4 above. In your response, try to 1) use language in your style with which you
feel comfortable, 2) acknowledge them respectfully, 3) reaffirm your boundary, if needed, and 4) ask them
what they are willing to do to accommodate you if they are resistant.

To their best response, I would reply:

To their middle response, I would reply:

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To their worst response, I would reply:

Step 6: Role-play the conversation you just prepared in the steps above with a partner

In this step, you are going to work with a partner to role-play and practice your new, improved boundary
setting in the situation you just mapped out in the steps above. You play yourself, and your partner plays the
other person.

Instructions for role-playing:

1. One person is A and one person is B. Decide who is who. Person A goes first.

2. Person A coaches Person B. Take 3-4 minutes to prepare your partner to play the other person(s) in your
scenario. Describe the scenario, the other person’s personality and behaviors, a situation that occurred,
and your original response. However, do not share your potential responses (from Steps 3 and 5), so it
will be a surprise. Do tell your partner how you think this person could respond to a boundary-setting
from the worst response to the best, as you did in Step 4. Give your partner as much detail as they need
to play some general version of this other person. They will act out the role as well as possible, adding
difficult responses and bringing the role to life. Keep it going for 3-5 minutes.

3. How to start the role-play: The conversation is either initiated when the boundary setting needs to
happen, as per the scenario, or it is initiated by a boundary setting. Initiate the role-play in a way that
best fits the scenario.

4. Action. Spend about 5 minutes in the role play.

5. Switch partners and Person B initiates steps 2-4 above.

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Step 7: Reflection

Discuss the following questions as a group.

1. How was it for you to role-play this conversation?

2. What feelings came up during the role-play?

3. What have you learned from these exercises?

4. What are you taking away from this experience that will help you in the future?

5. Are there any action steps to which you are willing to commit as a result of this learning? If yes, you can
write them here.

a. Action:

b. Action:

c. Action:

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Appendix A: Sample scenarios in which boundaries are crossed

Scenario 1: An inappropriate question

At a professional networking party, someone you recently met asks an inappropriately personal question
in front of others. You are shocked, blindsided, and without thinking, you answer the question. You know
your boundary is crossed because you immediately feel embarrassed and regret answering. For some time
afterward, you keep thinking about it and feel angry at the other person for asking and yourself for answering.

Scenario 2: The intrusive co-worker

A coworker frequently interrupts you in your office for help, takes up a lot of your time, and does non-stop
talking off the topic. You know your boundary is being crossed because you cannot get a word in when you
try, and you feel trapped and stressed by the visit. You like the person and are worried about being rude.

Scenario 3: The dismissal of an idea

Your partner/spouse asks you where you want to go to dinner. Typically, you say, “I don’t care,” and always
go along with what they want. You are trying to assert yourself more, so this time, you recommend a place
you want to try. Your idea is dismissed. You know your boundary has been crossed because you feel upset,
annoyed, and feel like this is the reason you never bother to give your opinion.

Scenario 4: Sharing accomplishments

When your close friend/partner/spouse wants to share their accomplishments or stories, you give them
lots of positive attention. You feel happy to be so supportive and let the light shine on them. When you try
to share accomplishments or stories, they quickly change the subject back to them and take control of the
conversation. You know your boundary is being crossed because you feel unimportant, unappreciated, and
resentful.

Scenario 5: Racist comments

Your aunt makes racist comments at her house during a family event in front of you and your children. You
say nothing and move your children to another room away from her. You could respond to her, with your
children being present, that they heard and understood her comments. You know your boundary has been
crossed because you are instantly upset, keep thinking about it, and feel angry at her and at yourself for not
speaking up.

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Appendix B: Boundary Setting Responses to Appendix A Scenarios

One of the most effective communication techniques to use when confronting someone and getting them
to change their behavior (as in boundary-setting) is to use some form of an I-message. I-message is a term
coined by Psychologist Thomas Gordon in the 1960s to describe a way of constructing sentences to avoid
judgmental language and take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and needs in a situation.
This allows the person you are confronting to devote energy to hearing how the situation is impacting you
instead of defending themselves against your attack on them. As a result, they are more likely to be open to
changing their behavior.

Here is a typical model for constructing an I-Message. Using this in some form (in part or whole) can help the
other person better hear your message and be more likely to comply with your request.

I feel (actual feelings not thoughts) when you (specific

and non blaming description of observed behavior) because (how this affects
you). Are you willing to (what you want them to do instead).

Or, when appropriate, even just…

I need/want/think .

Below are boundary setting responses for the scenarios in Appendix A. Notice where the model shows up
in part or whole.

Scenario 1: An inappropriate question

“I think you don’t know me well enough to ask things like that (what you think).” Or, “I’d rather not discuss that
topic right now if you don’t mind (what you want).”

Scenario 2: The intrusive co-worker

“Hey, sorry to interrupt. I don’t mind helping, but I can’t talk right now (what you think and need). It works
better for me to set a specific time (what you need). How about we take 15 minutes to talk about it today at
3 p.m. (what you need and want)? (While physically getting up and walking the person out of the office and
closing the door - non-verbal communication).

Scenario 3: The dismissal of an idea

“I want to go back and talk again about xyz restaurant (what you want). I usually say I don’t care, but I do
(feelings). I would feel happier (feelings) if we tried my choice this time (what you want). Are you willing? (Note:
People tend to be more compliant more easily when they have a choice).

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Scenario 4: Sharing accomplishments

“I notice that when I talk about my accomplishments, you give me little attention and quickly change the
subject (non-judgemental description of observable behavior). It makes me feel unimportant and resentful
(feelings) because I am not getting the attention I need in a friendship (tangible effect on you). I would feel
much better if you could pay attention to my accomplishments the way I do to yours (what you need).”

Scenario 5: Racist comments

“Auntie. I love you (feelings). I know this is your house. And, I’m worried I might offend you (feelings). Still, I
have to tell you that those comments you just made are not O.K. with me (what you think). Are you willing to
avoid that language in front of my children (what you need) and me?”

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