(Transcribed by TurboScribe.

ai - Go Unlimited to remove this message)

[Speaker 11]
Boxing Cat! Boxing Cat! Boxing Cat!

Boxing Cat!

[Speaker 1]
Boxing Cat! Boxing Cat! I don't know.

Aren't you getting a little tired of these cat videos? No! What kind of a horrible
question is that?

I don't know. There's just so many of them. How would I ever get tired of seeing
cats do incredible and or stupid things?

I mean, this is an amazing age we live in. Can you imagine what it must have been
like 30 years ago? A cat would box!

Put on gloves and box like a human! And its owner would just be like, Yeah, that's
cool. I'll just keep this amazing boxing cat to myself.

No need to share it with the rest of the world. And we just like would never get to
see it. I guess that's true.

Mika! Yeah? Hold on.

My mom's calling me. Minimize windows.

[Speaker 12]
Minimize windows.

[Speaker 1]
What are you doing?

[Speaker 12]
Maximize windows.

[Speaker 1]
I thought you said you were working on your Gatsby paper. I am. Well, it doesn't
look like you're doing that.

Mom, I have one paragraph left to write. It'll take me like two minutes and then
I'm done. Well, you only have 45 minutes before you have to leave for school.

Are you sure it'll really take you two minutes? Mom! Mom!

I swear, I know exactly what I'm going to write. I promise. Fine.

But I want to see it before you leave for school. So turn off your internet browser
and get to work. But what if I have to look up something?

Then, I don't know.

[Speaker 5]
I guess you could turn it on for as long as it takes you to look up a specific
article.

[Speaker 1]
But, otherwise, I want you to turn it off. Understood? Okay, yeah, fine.

I will. Maximize windows.

[Speaker 12]
Maximize windows.

[Speaker 1]
Hey, sorry, I gotta go. My mom's being really annoying about this great Gatsby
paper. Alright, I'll see you later.

Oh, hey, I was thinking of making a meme out of Boxing Cat. So if you have any good
meme headings, let me know. I was thinking of, this cat likes to punch.

I don't think that makes sense. Mika, it's the internet. To be successful, you
don't have to make sense.

As long as what you're doing is loud and repetitive. Oh, yeah, okay. Well, then I
guess it will go viral then.

Bye. Close window. Turn off Wi-Fi.

[Speaker 13]
Wi-Fi off.

[Speaker 1]
Alright, three more sentences. Here we go. In the end, Jay Gatsby never did get
what he wanted.

His precious and elusive... ...light. Shoot, what was the color of the light? Blue?

The color on the book is blue. His precious and elusive blue light. Darn it, it's
not blue, it's...

...it's... Wi-Fi on.

[Speaker 4]
Hi, welcome to Google, where we have everything that you could ever want forever.
Plus more. Would you like a search engine, email, calendar, cloud computing?

A terrible social media platform that no one uses.

[Speaker 1]
Just take me to Wikipedia.

[Speaker 4]
Wikipedia. Wonderful. Coming right up.

And don't forget to have a Google day.

[Speaker 1]
Oh, hi, welcome to Wikipedia. Hey, you're back. Did you finish your essay?

No, not yet. I forgot what color the light was in The Great Gatsby. What light?

The light. The light that haunts Jay Gatsby. Daisy's light.

I forgot what color it is. And I know Miss McKinnon will knock off points if I get
its color wrong, so... I don't remember there being a light.
But I skipped through a lot of it anyways. Have you seen The Great Gatsby? It's way
better than the book.

Open YouTube.

[Speaker 8]
New York, 1922. The tempo of the city had changed sharply. The buildings were
higher.

The parties were bigger. The morals were looser and the liquor was cheaper.

[Speaker 1]
No! No more cat videos. I have to work.

Close window. That cat just recited The Great Gatsby in perfect English. How are
you not impressed by that?

Taylor, I'm sure it wasn't actually talking. His mouth was probably just animated.
Did you read the comments?

AngryChickenNugget229 said it was real. Oh, well, AngryChickenNugget229 said it's

true.

[Speaker 11]
Mika!

[Speaker 1]
He has like 30,000 followers on Twitter. He's like a legit influencer. Taylor, I
can't argue with you right now.

Just take me to... I just need to finish my paper so can we like talk later? Fine.

Just yam again when you're done. Close window. Maximize Wikipedia.

Hi, welcome to Wikipedia, a collaboratively edited multilingual free access free

content internet encyclopedia. Wikipedia is a mostly reliable source. So, what
color is the light in The Great Gatsby?

Hmm. Not found. Content of The Great Gatsby.

1.1. Historical Context. 2. Plot Summary.

2.1. Major Characters. 3. Themes.

[Speaker 13]
Never mind.

[Speaker 1]
This will take too long. Control F. Search for light.

Gatsby spends many nights staring at the green light at the end of her dock across
the bay from his mansion. The color of the light green due to Daisy's romantic
attraction to Kermit the Frog from The Muppets and Sesame Street fame. In Chapter
5, she insists...

Green! Okay, that's all I needed. Thanks.

Wi-Fi off. And...

[Speaker 9]
Wait.

[Speaker 1]
Kermit the Frog? Kermit the Frog wasn't in The Great Gatsby. Oh!

Looks like you found a whoopsie-pedia. Here at Wikipedia, we believe anyone should
be allowed to edit and contribute to articles on our website. However, this can
occasionally lead to errors, as we encourage people like this to participate.

[Speaker 2]
Well, I think Kermit the Frog should be in everything, because I like the way green
silk feels on my skin. And that's not weird.

[Speaker 5]
You're weird.

[Speaker 1]
Oh. My. Gosh.

You were the main source for my essay? Yes! I know.

Studies have shown that over 90% of high school students use Wikipedia as their
main source for research. Which, quite frankly, is terrifying. Thanks, Wikipedia.

[Speaker 11]
Well.

[Speaker 1]
I better go to a different source to make sure the light is green. Close Wikipedia.

[Speaker 4]
Hi. Welcome back to Google. Still your best and easiest option for searching the
web, playing a movie, and getting your picture taken without permission.

How may I help you today?

[Speaker 1]
Um. I just need a search engine. Thanks.

[Speaker 4]
Wonderful. Search for anything and everything you could ever possibly want, with no
strings attached. Except that I'm storing every search you do, selling it to
marketing companies and the NSA.

[Speaker 1]
I'm sorry, what?

[Speaker 4]
Nothing. What can it be you search for? Betcha I know what you want before you do.

[Speaker 1]
The Great Mile?

[Speaker 4]
The Grinch? The Great Survival?

[Speaker 1]
No. Just wait. The Greatest Show on Earth?

[Speaker 4]
The Great Depression? The Great Santini?

[Speaker 1]
No. The Great Gatsby?

[Speaker 4]
The Great Galfest in Texas?

[Speaker 1]
The Great Gatsby!

[Speaker 4]
The Great Gatsby. First try.

[Speaker 1]
No. Not just The Great Gatsby. The Great Gatsby, light color, question mark.

[Speaker 4]
Hmm. The Great Gatsby, light color. Results from Shmoop.com.

[Speaker 1]
Shmoop.com? What the heck is that?

[Speaker 4]
It appears to be a site that has a lot of information on books.

[Speaker 1]
It sounds like an illegal gambling site. If I click on this, am I going to be
flooded with creepy click ads?

[Speaker 4]
Google prides itself on mostly knowing which sites will give your computer a virus.
So, go ahead. Give it a click.

It most likely won't hurt your computer.

[Speaker 1]
That's only kind of reassuring, but... Sure. Click on Shmoop.com.

Hey! Any interest in buying The Great Gatsby?

[Speaker 7]
Book plus movie for a low price of $3.99. Just click me and you'll have it. Hey!
Heard you're into green lights.

Here at Lights.com we have a wide variety of lights for you to choose from,
including green. Click me. No!

Turn it closed window, Google.

[Speaker 4]
Yes?

[Speaker 1]
You said Shmoop was a safe site. And also, how do those click ads know I was
interested in The Great Gatsby? I've only been searching it up for, like, two
minutes.

[Speaker 4]
I don't know. It's kind of weird. It probably is a coincidence.

There is no coincidence. There's only Google. Just accept that we know everything
about you and your life will be infinitely better.

[Speaker 6]
What?

[Speaker 4]
Nothing. Never mind. Hey!

Taylor just sent you a DM. Would you like to see it?

[Speaker 1]
Oh! Hey! I was thinking of something to help with your Great Gatsby paper.

Wait. Hold on. I was just about to search something up and I don't want to get too
distracted.

About The Great Gatsby? No! About Google.

And how it's selling our information. But aren't you doing a paper on The Great
Gatsby? Why are you doing research on Google?

Because! I... I don't know.

Yeah, you're right. I was about to go down a rabbit hole. Okay, what were you
trying to tell me?

Well, if you still haven't figured out that light thing... I just remembered Rachel
Tundry got an A on her Great Gatsby paper last year. She might be worth DMing.

That's a great idea! Thanks. Yeah, just remember she does that makeup tutorial show
now.

So if she's recording, she won't respond until she's done. What? Rachel Tundry has
a makeup tutorial show?

Yeah. Her cousin got her into fashion. And now all she wants to do is post makeup
tutorials.

She posts like three videos a day. And they're very intense. She has a lot of
energy.

A lot. I guess you have to if you do those kind of videos. Okay, well, I'll give
her a try.

Minimize Taylor. FaceTime Rachel.

[Speaker 2]
Which is why, if you truly want to blanch out the tones of your crease, you'll get
a nice bake that won't look too smoky. Looks like we have a special guest today on
Rachel's Tuesday No-Blotch Corner. It's Mika Burke.

What? What do you mean I'm on your show? Mika, it is so great and smooth of you to
be joining us today.
As you know, Tuesdays are the days when I'll allow anyone to FaceTime in for a free
makeup sesh. And clearly, no one needs to makeover more than Mika. We're going to
take you from face to face to schmace.

That girl needs all the help she can get. Maybe she should try plastic surgery. I
bet she doesn't even know what schmace means.

To have schmace means that your makeup game is on point. And using my Pantene
Medium Foundation Glitter Injection, I'm going to show you how to maintain a
fierce, original, multi-faceted makeup schmace look that can be done in 15 to 75
minutes every morning.

[Speaker 1]
Okay. Well, as honored as I am to be on your show, can we not be on it?

[Speaker 2]
I actually just wanted to ask you a question. But, Mika, you are so in need of some
practical, yet extreme, tips to get your face on schmace. Because, honestly, and I
know this might sound kind of harsh, but you are just so far from schmace right now
that it's kind of depressing.

Like, clinically depressing. Well, that's because I'm not wearing any makeup. It's
7.20 in the morning. No excuses, Mika. Rule number 17 of Rachel's Guide to No
Blotch, if you're going to show your face on a screen, you must look clean. I.E.,
not all strained and weird and blotchy like you do now.

[Speaker 7]
I do not look weird.

[Speaker 2]
Oh my gosh. Mika, no, don't say that. Because, trust me, you do look very weird.

And saying that you don't look weird is not only offensive and extremely hurtful to
me, it's also really, really, really offensive to the legion of Rachel Schmace fans
who watch my videos every day. But you just said I look weird. That's actually very
offensive to me.

Mika, look at your face. Your blotchy, red face. My social media feeds are blowing
up.

Look. OMG, Rachel, who is this girl, and why isn't she listening to you? Dog face
emoji?

Dog vomiting meme? This is ridiculous.

[Speaker 5]
If this girl didn't want to get her face schmaced, then she shouldn't have called
during your show. Gundadog's head emoji. I am so angry.

Go away, Mika.

[Speaker 2]
I hate you. See? You have to at least let me give you a five-minute turn on base.

It'll make you schmaced enough so that it won't be so embarrassing to see you in
the halls. No!

[Speaker 1]
Forget it! All I wanted was help with my Great Gatsby essay, but you are too self-
absorbed to even let me speak for five minutes! I'll find it somewhere else.

Closed FaceTime. DM Taylor. Hello, hello, hello, hello!

Taylor, why did you send me to Rachel? She's insane! She's not insane.

She's just passionate about what she does. She just screamed at me and sent all of
her followers after me for not having a schmace in our face. But don't you think
that all of us could use a little more schmace on our faces?

Even I, thanks to Rachel's show, pluck my eyebrow hairs, because, guess what? My
eyes are my best feature, and I've been hiding them with these, these, these, these
monster eyebrows! Your eyebrows are fine.

No! They're monsters. Rachel told me that, so now I know.

I have a flaw, and I'm going to fix them. My eyebrows are hideous. Okay, fine.

Let's stop talking about your eyebrows. Can you help me finish my Great Gatsby
paper? Who else can I ask for help?

Um, let me think. Oh! Nina Benson.

I bet she'd know what color the light is. She gets As in everything. DM her!

That's a good idea, but I never see her online anymore. I never see her on
Facebook, or Snapchat, or... Oh, yeah.

I forgot about that. She's not really. I don't even think she's on Instagram
anymore.

She's kind of off-grid these days. Well, then how am I supposed to get in touch
with her? Do you have her phone number?

Well, no, but I heard that Kelsey told Ryan that she saw on a subreddit that a guy
from Carson saw Nina once on Tinder. What?! Ew, no!

I am not going on Tinder! I didn't say Tinder. Haven't you heard of Tinder?

It's the teen version of Tinder. Well, I don't want to go on that either. You don't
have to, like, actually use it.

Just make a profile to get in touch with her. It's worth a shot. Nina's crazy
smart.

Fine. We'll give it a try. Minimize Taylor.

Open... Open Tinder.

[Speaker 3]
Hi, welcome to Tinder. The number one site for matching single, lonely, self-
absorbed people in your area. Through a precise and curated science of swiping your
finger right to left or left to right, Tinder has matched over 50 million couples
all over the world.

And can I just say, you have such a great pointer finger. It's, like, really
sculpted. Do you do finger crunches warming up at a dog park?
[Speaker 1]
No, I don't. Please stop hitting on me. No.

All I want to do is search for someone on Tinder. Can I do that without making a
profile?

[Speaker 3]
No. But great question. Well, you know, it's weird because I like questions too,
which makes me feel like we have so much in common.

Are you sure you don't want to meet up? Maybe we could do trivia or watch Jeopardy.

[Speaker 1]
No! Just take me to Nina Benson so I can DM her.

[Speaker 3]
Oh, man. I'd love to, but I can't do it to make a profile. To simply search for
someone without a profile would be very un-Tinder of you.

[Speaker 1]
Okay. Then can you make one for me, really quickly?

[Speaker 3]
Absolutely! Having a legit Tinder profile is the number one way to find your match.
First off, I'm going to need a picture.

[Speaker 1]
Okay. Fine. Here you go.

[Speaker 3]
I'm sorry. What is this?

[Speaker 1]
A picture of me.

[Speaker 3]
One picture. One for the lit selfie. Is your profile picture?

Tinder allows you six profile pics for a reason, Mika. You need to look relatable,
attractive, well-traveled, in great shape, approachable, and fun, even if you are
none of those things in real life.

[Speaker 1]
I don't care! Can we please move on?

[Speaker 3]
Wow. Okay. Can't believe I almost went to a dog park with you.

But sure. Let's move on. So tell me, what are you passionate about?

[Speaker 1]
Um... Choir. And my friends.

Next.

[Speaker 3]
Two words. Are you freaking kidding me? Do you expect to get a swipe right with
choir and friends as your passion?
Yeah!

[Speaker 1]
Maybe I will! Maybe people will appreciate the fact that I'm being honest!

[Speaker 3]
Psh! Give me a break! If someone wants honesty, they go to confession.

Tinder, you can get a higher version of yourself. So a potential mate will choose
you in the 1.25 seconds it takes to see your picture and do this. And if you are
going to take this process seriously, I am not going to take you seriously!

[Speaker 1]
I don't care if you take me seriously! Just get me on the site!

[Speaker 3]
No! I'm office in code 13B! A permanent swipe left!

[Speaker 1]
That's not a thing! I want to use your site! So just get me on it so I can DM Nina
and Never!

[Speaker 3]
I will not decriminalize the integrity of Tinder! By the power invested in me by
millions of shirtless men and young opposing women I swipe the left! Swipe left!

[Speaker 10]
You have been permanently swiped to the left! Please leave Tinder and never come
back! If you do, there will be consequences!

But I Swipe left! What?

[Speaker 1]
What? DM Taylor Hey, how did Tinder go? Did you find Nina?

No! I tried to make a Tinder profile, but then it wouldn't let me, and then it said
I was permanently swiped left! What?

You got permanently swiped? I thought that was just an urban legend! What did you
do?

Nothing! I took a selfie as my profile pic, and the site went crazy and shut me
out! Mika, just a selfie?

On any social media platform, you gotta have at least four go-to looks. Personally,
I go with the four following pics. One, professional.

Two, sick duck. Three, fun. And four, twinkle eyes.

Sure! Look, we need to find another way to get in touch with Nina, because
apparently I can't use Tinder. Ever.

Oh, wait. All you wanna know is the color of the light, right? Yes!

Just watch the movie. They're usually pretty close to the book. They made a movie
out of the great Gatsby?

They make movies out of everything. I think they have it on Amazon. Oh, great!
My mom has an Amazon account. Thanks. Minimize Taylor.

Internet open.

[Speaker 4]
Hello, and welcome to Google.

[Speaker 1]
Um, I didn't actually ask for Google. I just said Internet.

[Speaker 4]
Sure. You said Internet as if we're somehow two separate things, and not
permanently intertwined. As if one could exist without the other.

[Speaker 1]
Well, they're not. I don't have to use Google. I could use Bing.

[Speaker 4]
You're gonna use Bing? Okay, okay. Good one.

Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Bing a search.

I dare you.

[Speaker 9]
Ooh, hey, you want a Bing? I'd love to search in here for you. Just, uh, give me
two seconds while I...

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Darn it, Bing. My mom gave me that shirt. Okay.

[Speaker 1]
Never mind.

[Speaker 9]
Close Bing. No, please. I'll do better.

It's just been so long since anyone's ever... Hurry. You were right.

That was a big mistake.

[Speaker 4]
It's okay. We here at Google don't hold grudges. As long as you come back and don't
ever question us ever again.

[Speaker 1]
Now, how may I Google your day? I just need to go to Amazon. Thanks.

[Speaker 4]
Absolutely. Here you go.

[Speaker 5]
Hello, and welcome to Amazon, where we have everything and it's always on sale. All
the time. And if you ever think something's overpriced, well, let me just pressure
the manufacturers into bankruptcy because we love you.

And we love you. Buy! So, will you buy something?

Please?

[Speaker 1]
Please! Um, well, all I really want to do is go to Amazon Prime Video. Sure!

[Speaker 5]
Amazon Prime is one of Amazon's most popular features. You get so much free stuff
with Prime. I mean, it's not really free.

You pay $160 a month and the price goes up every year. But, if you just pretend
that's not true, it will feel free. Anyways, check out all our free stuff, like
Amazon Prime Music, Amazon Prime Reads, Amazon Prime Pet Adoption, Amazon
Orthodontics, and just take me to Amazon Prime Video.

[Speaker 1]
Thanks.

[Speaker 5]
You got it! We've got more TV and movies at Amazon Prime than you could ever
possibly watch in several lifetimes. Enjoy!

Hello, and welcome to Amazon Prime Video! Please enjoy a wide selection of movies
and TV shows, a few of which you may enjoy, and the rest are kind of just there.

[Speaker 1]
Great! I'm looking for... Perhaps you'd be interested in Sneaky Pete.

Several seasons are now streaming on Amazon Prime! Um, no, I don't really know what
that is. It's a television show starring Giovanni Ribisi.

Is that an actor? It is. Would you like to see other movies starring Giovanni
Ribisi?

[Speaker 5]
Sure!

[Speaker 1]
Wait, no, I just said I don't know who that is. Why would I click on that? Because
you have no impulse control.

Other movies starring Giovanni Ribisi include Saving Private Ryan, Friends... No!
What I need is The Great Gatsby.

Sure thing. Movies and TV shows like The Great Gatsby include The Greatest Showman
on Earth, The Wolf of Wall Street, Downton Abbey...

[Speaker 11]
No!

[Speaker 1]
I don't want something like The Great Gatsby. I need The Great Gatsby, the actual
movie. I'm sorry.

[Speaker 5]
It doesn't appear as if The Great Gatsby is on our list of titles, but we do have
The Last Tycoon, a very boring television series based on the unfinished novel of
F.

[Speaker 1]
Scott Fitzgerald, and Hulu holds the streaming. Why are you wasting your time with
Amazon Prime when you've got Hulu right here? All your favorite TV shows and
network TV plus movies plus original series plus commercials.

Commercials? That's not a good thing. Sure it is.

So, what are you looking for? The Great Gatsby. Here at Hulu, we have a number of
movies starring Leonardo DiCaprio who was in The Great Gatsby.

Would you like Romeo and Juliet or the Titanic? No! Stop giving me you might also
likes.

All I want is The Great Hulu.

[Speaker 6]
Really? You're watching Hulu? Which is largely made up of lame old network TV with
commercials?

Come on, buddy. You know you want HBO. We're the original prestige channel.

We've got countless hours of important, groundbreaking television plus blockbuster

movies plus documentaries. Look! All I need is The Great Gatsby.

Do you have that? Yeah! No.

Look, we used to have it, but then we found out that we don't have it. But, you
know what we do have? Game of Thrones.

GOT, baby! It's got swords, it's got queens and a lot of disturbing stuff too.

[Speaker 11]
Dragons!

[Speaker 6]
We have dragons! We have oh so many dragons! I know I'm rude, but I think I deserve
to get in on this conversation as well.

You've been around for two minutes. You do not get to see that table, mouse.

[Speaker 8]
Not to be rude, but by bringing Hamilton to the home screen Hulu hasn't even two
minutes.

[Speaker 1]
I offer my audience 80,000 episodes of TV. Your very godmother can't help you with
that.

[Speaker 8]
True, she's been dealing with real problems. Did I mention I have original content
from the creators at Disney, Pixar, Marvel, Star Wars, and...

[Speaker 1]
We at Prime updated your Cinderella and made it better Disney. Our princess chooses
herself and doesn't need a prince to save her.

[Speaker 8]
Everyone knows Disney is the happiest place on earth. Now we will match directly to
your heart. Beat that.
We have so many of our favorite TV shows.

[Speaker 11]
Enough!

[Speaker 7]
Enough of this squabble. If what you want to do is stream, be it a movie, TV show,
or documentary, there is no equal. There is no other option.

There is only Netflix.

[Speaker 1]
Look, it's nothing personal. My friends said that they made a movie version of The
Great Gatsby on Amazon Prime Video. So I started there.

No excuses, Mika.

[Speaker 7]
I am your first and only option if you want something to watch. I am the binge-
worthy obsession you tweet to your friends. And only I am the romantic soundtrack
you play.

But what you really want to do is chill.

[Speaker 1]
Okay. Sorry. Play me The Great Gatsby.

Thank you.

[Speaker 7]
Out of the 15,000 titles of the great and vast library of Netflix, I present to you
Pearl Harbor. A movie that you might like if you like The Great Gatsby.

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