Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are

beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more
accessible.

Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own
knowledge or experience.

In a world of 21nd century, people now want to have the opportunities and accessibility to
modern facilities of technology. Some people, nowadays, admit that the existence of
computers or other sorts of things has helped them for many years in lots of fields. Others
believe that traditional work-style needs to continuously exist, rather than being refused.
From many views of this problem as will now be explained on the positive side

Technologically, for a long period, people now have adapted to living in a world where
everything is digital conversion, working and studying too! During the COVID-19, society
worldwide unintentionally made the significant working-and-studying culture in the way more
positive than the old one. Hence, those trends and developments are increasing the
effectiveness of time for human beings; instead of waking early to go to work or study in an
exhausted mood every day, people now can spend that time to self-development

furthermore, the proportion of fumes and smoke from the means of petrol transport, which
has been recognized as a problem for many years, will now reduce and increase the air
quality in worldwide. In some areas that are having high human and transportation density
have had high rates of death and illness caused just by the large amount of gasoline
vehicles were in traffic everyday for working and studying. If this prediction became the true,
human could improve not only physically but also mentally because they needn't have gone
outside to work or school

Beside many advantages of technological industrial and education, addicted with phones or
computers may not become the negative side of this problem if we can balance between our
social life and virtual platform

Nâng cấp lập luận

● Introduction: "In a world of 21nd century, people now want to have the opportunities
and accessibility to modern facilities of technology. Some people, nowadays, admit
that the existence of computers or other sorts of things has helped them for many
years in lots of fields. Others believe that traditional work-style needs to continuously
exist, rather than being refused. From many views of this problem as will now be
explained on the positive side

○ Explanation: The introduction briefly mentions the topic of technology's

impact on work and education but lacks a clear statement of the writer's
position. A stronger introduction would explicitly state whether the writer
believes this development is positive or negative and provide a brief overview
of the arguments to be presented.

○ Improved Example: "The advent of technology has revolutionized the way

we work and learn, with more adults and children embracing remote work and
online education. While some argue that this shift offers numerous benefits,
others express concerns about its potential drawbacks. This essay will
 explore both sides of the debate, examining the positive and negative
implications of this technological transformation."

● Topic Sentence: "Technologically, for a long period, people now have adapted to
living in a world where everything is digital conversion, working and studying too!

○ Explanation: This topic sentence introduces the positive aspects of

technology's impact on work and education. However, it could be improved by
providing a clearer transition from the introduction and by explicitly stating the
main argument or point to be discussed.

○ Improved Example: "One of the primary benefits of remote work and online
education is the increased flexibility and convenience it offers."

● Main Point 1: "During the COVID-19, society worldwide unintentionally made the
significant working-and-studying culture in the way more positive than the old one.
Hence, those trends and developments are increasing the effectiveness of time for
human beings; Instead of waking early to go to work or study in an exhausted mood
every day, people now can spend that time to self-development

○ Explanation: This point discusses the positive impact of remote work and
online education during the COVID-19 pandemic. While the argument is valid,
it could be strengthened by providing specific examples or data to support the
claim.

○ Improved Example: "During the COVID-19 pandemic, remote work and

online education became the norm for millions of people worldwide. This shift
allowed individuals to save time and energy by eliminating the need for daily
commutes, enabling them to focus on self-development and personal
growth."

● Main Point 2: "Futhermore, the proportation of fumes and smoke from the means of
petrol transport, which has been recognized as a problem for many years, will now
reduce and increase the air quality in worldwide. In some areas that are having high
human and transportation density have had high rates of death and illness caused
just by the large amount of gasoline vehicles were in traffic everyday for working and
studying. If this prediction became the true, human could improve not only physically
but also mentally because they neednt have gone outside to work or school

○ Explanation: This point raises the environmental benefits of remote work and
online education, such as reduced air pollution and improved air quality.
While the argument is valid, it could be improved by providing more specific
examples or data to support the claim.

○ Improved Example: "Another positive aspect of remote work and online

education is the reduction in air pollution. With fewer people commuting to
work and school, there is a decrease in the number of vehicles on the road,
leading to lower levels of air pollution and improved air quality. This can have
significant health benefits for individuals living in urban areas."

● Topic Sentence: "Beside many advantages of technological industrial and

education, addicted with phones or computers may not become the negative side of
this problem if we can balance between our social life and virtual platform
 ○ Explanation: This topic sentence introduces the potential negative aspects of
technology's impact on work and education. However, it could be improved by
providing a clearer transition from the previous point and by explicitly stating
the main argument or point to be discussed.

○ Improved Example: "While remote work and online education offer

numerous benefits, it is important to acknowledge the potential negative
consequences of excessive screen time and technology addiction."

● Main Point 3: "Addicted with phones or computers may not become the negative
side of this problem if we can balance between our social life and virtual platform

○ Explanation: This point discusses the potential negative impact of technology

addiction on social life and well-being. While the argument is valid, it could be
strengthened by providing specific examples or data to support the claim.

○ Improved Example: "Excessive screen time and technology addiction can

lead to social isolation and a lack of face-to-face interaction. This can have
negative effects on mental health, as social connections are essential for well-
being."

● Conclusion: "Beside many advantages of technological industrial and education,

addicted with phones or computers may not become the negative side of this
problem if we can balance between our social life and virtual platform

○ Explanation: The conclusion briefly summarizes the main points of the essay
but lacks a clear statement of the writer's overall position on the topic. A
stronger conclusion would provide a more nuanced and balanced view of the
issue, acknowledging both the positive and negative aspects of technology's
impact on work and education.

○ Improved Example: "In conclusion, while remote work and online education
offer significant benefits, it is important to be mindful of the potential negative
consequences of excessive screen time and technology addiction. By striking
a balance between our virtual and social lives, we can harness the power of
technology to enhance our work and education experiences while also
maintaining our well-being and social connections."

Overall, the essay provides a balanced discussion of the positive and negative aspects of
technology's impact on work and education. By providing more specific examples, data, and
a clearer transition between points, the argument can be further strengthened and made
more persuasive.

Task Response
Band Score for Task Response: 6

● Answer All Parts of the Question:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both the positive and
negative aspects of the given prompt. It discusses the positive impacts of
technology on work and education, such as increased effectiveness of time
and improved air quality due to reduced transportation. However, it lacks a
clear discussion of the negative aspects.
 ○ How to improve: To improve, the essay should offer a more balanced
analysis by providing a thorough discussion of both positive and negative
implications of adults working from home and children studying from home.
This could involve addressing potential drawbacks such as social isolation,
lack of face-to-face interaction, or dependence on technology.

● Present a Clear Position Throughout:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay presents a generally clear position

supporting the positive aspects of adults working from home and children
studying from home due to technological advancements. However, the stance
could be further clarified by explicitly stating whether the overall impact is
deemed positive or negative.

○ How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should clearly state the
author's stance in the introduction and maintain consistency throughout the
essay. Additionally, explicitly addressing the positive and negative aspects in
separate paragraphs could help reinforce the clarity of the position.

● Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the positive

impacts of technology on work and education, such as improved time
management and environmental benefits. However, these ideas lack depth
and detailed examples to fully develop and support the arguments.

○ How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more specific

examples or evidence to support each point made. Additionally, elaborating
further on the potential consequences of increased reliance on technology for
work and education could strengthen the argument.

● Stay on Topic:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the

effects of technology on work and education as prompted. However, there are
instances of vague or tangential statements that detract from the coherence
of the argument.

○ How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that every point
made directly relates to the topic of technology's impact on remote work and
remote education. Avoiding vague or off-topic statements will help enhance
the relevance and coherence of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and provides some
analysis of the positive impacts of technology on work and education, there is room for
improvement in terms of depth of analysis, clarity of position, and coherence of
argumentation. By addressing these areas, the essay could achieve a more comprehensive
and cohesive response to the given prompt.

Coherence & Cohesion

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

● Organize Information Logically:

 ○ Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical
organization. It attempts to introduce the topic and present arguments, but the
ideas are not always clear or well-developed. For instance, the introduction
mentions the benefits of technology but lacks a clear thesis statement. The
body paragraphs discuss the positive aspects of working and studying from
home, but the development of these ideas is limited, and there is some
repetition.

○ How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, focus on developing a clear

thesis statement that outlines the main points of the essay. Ensure that each
paragraph has a clear topic sentence and provides sufficient supporting
details and examples. Consider using transitional phrases to connect ideas
and improve coherence.

● Use Paragraphs:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure and
effectiveness are inconsistent. Some paragraphs are well-organized and
focus on a single idea, while others are overly long and lack clear topic
sentences. For example, the second paragraph discusses the impact of
technology on work and study habits but could be divided into smaller, more
focused paragraphs for better readability and organization.

○ How to improve: Aim for more consistent paragraphing by focusing on one

main idea per paragraph. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence
that previews the content of the paragraph. Use supporting sentences to
develop the main idea and maintain coherence within each paragraph.

● Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as

transition words (e.g., "Furthermore," "Beside"), but their use is limited and
sometimes inappropriate. For instance, the phrase "In a world of 21nd
century" lacks clarity and does not effectively introduce the topic. Additionally,
there is a lack of variety in cohesive devices, which hinders the overall
coherence of the essay.

○ How to improve: To improve cohesion, vary the types of cohesive devices

used (e.g., pronouns, conjunctions, transitional phrases) and ensure they are
used appropriately. Use cohesive devices to connect ideas within and
between sentences, paragraphs, and sections of the essay. Consider revising
unclear or awkward phrases to improve overall coherence.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates some coherence and cohesion, there is room
for improvement in terms of logical organization, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive
devices. By focusing on these areas, the essay could achieve a higher band score for
Coherence and Cohesion.

Lexical Resource
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

● Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

 ○ Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of
vocabulary, with attempts to use varied expressions and phrases. However,
there are instances where vocabulary could be more diverse and precise. For
example, phrases like "21nd century" could be replaced with "modern era" or
"contemporary society" for better clarity and sophistication. Additionally, some
phrases are repetitive, such as "working and studying," which could be varied
for better lexical resource.

○ How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, try incorporating

synonyms and varied expressions throughout the essay. Instead of repetitive
phrases, explore different ways to convey the same idea. Utilize resources
like a thesaurus to discover alternative words and phrases that can add depth
and richness to your writing.

● Use Vocabulary Precisely:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at using

vocabulary precisely, but there are instances of imprecise word choices and
awkward phrasing. For example, "21nd century" should be corrected to "21st
century" for accuracy. Additionally, the phrase "proportation of fumes" could
be clarified to "emission of pollutants" for better precision. Improving precision
will enhance the clarity and effectiveness of your arguments.

○ How to improve: Focus on selecting words and phrases that accurately

convey your intended meaning. Take the time to review your writing to ensure
each word contributes precisely to your message. Proofreading and editing
can help identify and correct imprecise language, ensuring your ideas are
communicated clearly and effectively.

● Use Correct Spelling:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair level of spelling

accuracy, with few noticeable errors. However, there are some misspellings,
such as "proportation" instead of "proportion" and "futhermore" instead of
"furthermore." While spelling errors do not significantly detract from
comprehension, improving spelling accuracy can enhance the overall
professionalism and clarity of your writing.

○ How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell

checkers and proofreading your work carefully before submission.
Additionally, practice spelling commonly misspelled words and pay attention
to patterns of errors to target areas for improvement. Developing a habit of
reviewing and correcting spelling errors will contribute to overall writing
proficiency and readability.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

● Use a Wide Range of Structures:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of sentence

structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However,
there is room for improvement in the variety and complexity of structures. For
 instance, while there are some attempts at complex structures, such as
"During the COVID-19, society worldwide unintentionally made the significant
working-and-studying culture in the way more positive than the old one," they
are not consistently used throughout the essay.

○ How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, strive for consistency

in the use of complex sentences and incorporate more diverse sentence
patterns, such as conditional sentences, relative clauses, and passive
constructions. For example, instead of solely relying on simple sentences like
"Beside many advantages of technological industrial and education," consider
incorporating more complex structures to convey ideas with greater
sophistication and clarity.

● Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

○ Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of

grammatical accuracy, but there are several instances of grammatical errors
and punctuation inaccuracies throughout the text. For example, "proportation"
should be "proportion," "Futhermore" should be "Furthermore," "Beside"
should be "Besides," and "addicted with phones" should be "addiction to
phones." Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement and
article usage.

○ How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, consider revising

sentences carefully for subject-verb agreement, article usage, and common
errors such as incorrect prepositions. Additionally, pay close attention to
punctuation, ensuring proper placement of commas, periods, and other
punctuation marks. Proofreading the essay multiple times and seeking
feedback from peers or teachers can also be beneficial in identifying and
correcting grammatical errors effectively.

Bài chữa tham khảo

In the 21st century, people increasingly seek opportunities to embrace modern technology,
which has become more accessible and affordable. Some individuals acknowledge the
profound impact of computers and other technological advancements across various
domains, while others argue for the preservation of traditional work methods. From various
perspectives, both positive and negative aspects emerge.

Technologically, society has undergone a significant shift towards digitalization, especially

during the COVID-19 pandemic. This unforeseen circumstance has inadvertently propelled
the culture of remote work and learning, enhancing efficiency. Instead of enduring tiresome
commutes, individuals now have the flexibility to invest that time in self-improvement.

Moreover, the transition towards remote work and education holds the promise of reducing
pollution caused by petrol-based transportation. Areas with high population density and
heavy traffic have long grappled with the adverse effects of vehicle emissions, leading to
health issues. If this trend continues, it could significantly enhance both physical and mental
well-being by reducing exposure to harmful pollutants.

However, amidst the benefits of technological advancements, there exists the risk of
excessive reliance on electronic devices. Striking a balance between virtual engagement
and real-world interactions is crucial to mitigate the negative implications of excessive
screen time.
In conclusion, the increasing prevalence of remote work and learning represents a significant
development in the 21st century. While it offers numerous advantages such as enhanced
flexibility and environmental benefits, it is essential to remain mindful of the potential
drawbacks, particularly concerning overdependence on technology. Achieving a harmonious
integration of virtual platforms into our lives while preserving social connections is key to
maximizing the benefits of this evolution.