Ender's Curiosity (Leashes and Love

Book 1) M.A. Innes

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 ENDER’S
CURIOSITY
Leashes and Love, Book 1

M.A. Innes
Published by M.A. Innes, 2024
This is a work of fiction. Similarities to real people, places, or events are entirely coincidental.
LEASHES AND LOVE
First edition. January 2024.
Copyright 2024 M.A. Innes
Written by M.A. Innes
 Ender’s Curiosity
Ender
No. It means nothing. I’m just curious. It’s certainly not worth blowing up my life over, no matter what the
crazy man thinks. Watching the pups is fun. A pastime. They’re cute. I’m not imagining having a tail. I don’t
need a Handler. There’s no way I want to curl up on Leif.
There’s no way he’d let me, right?

Leif
Wow. He wants to what? He wants me to do what? Well, friends help friends. That’s what best friends and
roommates are for. The pups are cute. He’s cute. He’s nuts but I can see why he’d like a tail. But with me?
There’s no way he’d want me to do that. Does he realize what would happen if we did?
Just because I like control doesn’t mean I’d like that…right?
Love and tails are in the air when two Peeping Toms get more than they bargained for…friends at Leashes &
Lace and a new way to see what was there all along.
I want to thank all of the readers who’ve given me wonderful encouragement and who help make writing so
much fun, but especially the members of the top tier of my Patreon.
Jessica Garrido
Nita Drumm
James Graves
Fran
Denise Burris
Danielle Deovlet
Jackie
Melissa Ellis
Bridget Ann
Neil & Trish Wallace
Joyce Foster
Corrina Gilbertson
Kumiko Williams
Kelly Knight
Dezi
Ashley Diaz
Jessica
Ashley Sellers
Donna Sachs
Marie Hageman
Deborah Johnson
Melissa Washburn
Kirsty
Carrie
 Table of Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
 Chapter 1

Ender

“He’s coming.”
What the fuck had we done?
As I panicked, face still pressed against the window as I watched our life unravel before my eyes, Leif
called out from the bathroom, obviously not grasping the severity of the problem, “What do you mean? You
said you’d wait for me.”
“I lied.” He’d been taking too long. My patience hadn’t held out. “But the crazy one saw me and he’s
coming.”
That finally got Leif out of the bathroom as he dried his hands, but he was barely frowning and still didn’t
get it. “Maybe he’s going for coffee or something. It’s still early for a photo shoot.”
Leif never knew when to panic. He was entirely too laid-back sometimes.
“No, he’s crossing the street.”
Oh, what had I done?
We.
What had we done.
This was definitely a we situation even if I was the one who’d gotten caught.
Leif paused, understanding finally dawning on his face as he tossed the hand towel back into the
bathroom. “How did he see you?”
“I don’t know.” We’d been watching the photo shoots for months and hadn’t done anything different. It
was one of the benefits of working from home. “What should we say?”
We’d have to say something to the crazy man, right?
“Nothing.” Frowning, Leif looked serious and in control, helping my panic finally recede. “It’s not illegal
to look out our windows, and if they wanted privacy, they should’ve closed their curtains.”
That sounded logical but laws weren’t always logical.
There were whole websites devoted to the silly laws that were still on the books, and if we weren’t careful,
we were going to end up as an example on one of them.
“I won’t do well in prison. I’m too soft.” And too curious about stupid things to end up in jail. What if I
got some big brute who wanted to help me explore the ridiculous things the photo shoots had put in my head?
“Neither of us are going to prison.” Leif rolled his eyes and somehow that made him seem much more
confident. “Who do you think a jury would believe, two boring-looking, mid-twenties guys who look like they
should be playing golf, or the lunatic in lingerie who’ll just end up screaming at everyone in the courtroom?”
Good point.
“We need clothes that don’t make us look like forty-year-olds going golfing.” It wasn’t until he pointed it
out that I realized I’d put on nice pants and a polo shirt to hang around the house on my day off.
When had my wardrobe turned into middle-aged bland?
 I wasn’t ready for a midlife crisis yet.
“You wanted to look like a real adult, remember?” Leif was glaring at me like I was an idiot but that
might’ve been because he was dressed just like me, except he was wearing nice jeans.
Clearly, I’d thought real adults were boring.
“You shouldn’t have let me do this to us.” He was the one who was supposed to keep us from doing
stupid things, not me.
Leif needed to up his game, but before I could tell him that, the doorbell rang.
“Shit.”
“Shit.”
Yep, it was bad if he was frowning and cursing.
When the doorbell went off again, I turned back to Leif. “We have to open it, right?”
He just shrugged, which didn’t help the whirling in my stomach. “He might get bored and go away?”
The guy who seemed to thrive on drama?
Was Leif delusional?
Leif ’s sigh as the doorbell went off again said he was regaining his sanity. “I think this means we have to
open the door.”
Great.
“I’m too young to die.” And I had too much social anxiety to survive being yelled at by the crazy model
for very long.
Leif snorted. “He’s not going to kill us. Just make threats and scream. Pretend he’s just another relative
and tune him out. You do that great.”
He had a point.
“I can do that.” I had plenty of insane relatives, so it might work. “He’s just another cousin.”
Taking a deep breath might’ve helped my nerves if a slightly shrill voice hadn’t come through the door.
“God help both of you kinky fuckers if I have to ring this bell again.”
We weren’t kinky.
Well, Leif wasn’t.
I wasn’t so sure about me, but I wasn’t going to voluntarily tell that to the crazy man.
“I don’t think he’s going to leave.” Whispering to Leif, I felt my stomach knot as he sighed. “What do we
do?”
“Open the door?” Leif took a deep breath and straightened. “We’re going to open the door. If he accuses
us of anything nefarious, we’re going to point out that they never close their blinds. I’m pretty sure that will be
the bigger legal issue because we’re not the only one in the building who can see into that studio.”
I liked that.
Leif could handle it.
He was amazing and had a point about the building. The old warehouse-turned-lofts was beautiful and in
an amazing location, but it faced the craziest photography studio I’d ever seen. Yes, we wouldn’t look like the
problem if it came down to courtroom drama.
 “Okay, we can do it.” And by we, I meant Leif, but his snort said he knew that, so I didn’t feel the need to
clarify it.
“Let’s get this over with.” Frowning, he kept up the steel backbone look and headed for the door. “But if
you leave me with the crazy man, I won’t cook you dinner for a month.”
Oh, that would suck.
“You’re not supposed to fight dirty when I’m traumatized.” That just wasn’t nice.
Leif didn’t look very guilty, though, so I took him at his word and followed carefully behind him. I was
ready to run and lock myself in the bathroom if it came down to it, but I was hoping it wouldn’t get that far.
Both of us wouldn’t fit for long and it was the only space in the apartment that had a locking door. We’d be
screwed if the crazy man stormed the castle and held us captive.
“You started staring at the models and dragged me into your dirty peeping. This isn’t my fault.” He
sounded so sure of it that I decided not to point out how big of a liar he was.
I’d do that later because I’d started staring at the pups, he’d found the models fascinating.
“Look confident, not guilty.” Leif turned and glared at me. “Do better. You look very guilty.”
I was very guilty…but he was right, that wouldn’t help at the moment. So I mimicked his stance and tried
to imagine that I was lying to my family.
“Better.” Leif ’s nod made it easier to keep going. “Good job.”
I could do it.
“One.” The crazy man started counting making us both wince.
“He’s just as dramatic in person as he is at work.” Leif ’s dryly delivered comment made me want to smile.
He’d spent the last couple of months saying it had to be an act for the camera, but clearly, it wasn’t.
He owed me five bucks and he had to clean the bathroom for the next month.
I was really hoping being right would be worth it.
Leif unlocked the door.
“Can I help you?” His snobby tone sounded very real, but I was close enough that I could feel him
shaking. “You seem lost.”
He was very good at pretending to be a snobby asshole…even the drama queen stopped glaring and
gazed at us quietly and seemingly slightly confused.
“I’ve seen you naked.”
Oh, I wished he’d kept screaming because that one was aimed at me.
Leif barely managed not to laugh, but I knew him well enough that he couldn’t hide how funny he was
starting to find the situation.
His sense of humor was going to get me in trouble.
“Where have I seen you naked?” The crazy man cocked his hip, resting one hand on it as he studied me
more thoroughly. “I remember you having a very nice cock when it was soft. Most men just look like they have
small rats hanging from the front of them when they’re not erect. It’s not their fault. It’s usually a show-er
versus grower problem.”
How did it keep getting more and more insane?
“Thank you?” Was that the right response?
 He’d complimented me, right?
Leif was almost shaking he was trying to hold back his laughter so hard but that didn’t help me to know
what to say.
“You’re welcome.” The crazy man took my response seriously and nodded like he’d deserved it. “But that
doesn’t tell me where I’ve seen you naked. Did you send in an audition tape?”
Leif turned to me and raised one eyebrow like he was wondering the same thing.
“No.” I was impulsive but not that stupid. “I was an art model for a while?”
I knew I’d never slept with crazy man and there weren’t dirty pics of me floating around the internet, so
that seemed to be the most obvious answer.
Crazy man’s eyes lit up. “I saw sketches that were done based on you. That’s right. You did a very good job
according to a friend of mine. You managed not to get hard and ignored the girls in the room.”
Well, that hadn’t been difficult.
“I’m gay.” I hadn’t been completely sure before that point, but the whole situation had fixed my lingering
confusion. I liked talking to girls and even flirting with them sometimes, but actually being naked with them
had not been interesting in the slightest.
“That was probably helpful.” Crazy man looked much less nuts as he sympathized with me. “I’ve met a
lot of people who did that in college and the inconvenient erections make conversations and sitting still hard. I
know a guy who produces a lot of precum when he’s turned on and it was a fucking mess.”
Good grief.
“I’m really glad that wasn’t an issue then.” I was talking about the erection part but crazy man didn’t take
it that way.
“You produce a lot of precum too?” For some reason, he stood straighter and smiled…nicely. “We’ve got a
new line of panties that have more support up front for those kinds of situations. They’ll go live next week, but
I can give you a sample now if you’d like. As long as the picture had accurate proportions, you’d fit perfectly in
them.”
Oh God…
How did…
What had…
I must’ve looked like a moron because the crazy man turned to Leif. “Your partner seems slightly
overwhelmed. I do that to people, so it’s okay, I’m not offended. But if you’d like to talk to him about the
precum situation privately, you can just come over anytime over the next few days.”
Now Leif was wearing a similar stunned stupid expression.
Crazy man sighed and shook his head. “Look, I’m okay with the peeping thing since you’re just curious
but no jerking off and nothing weird.”
Oh wow.
“I’m not jerking off.” I wasn’t sure that was where I should’ve started, but it was what came out first. “And
we’re not partners, just friends and roommates.”
Now crazy man was the one who looked confused as he glanced back and forth between us and sighed.
“Whatever you say.”
Huh?
 “I don’t think you realize quite how clearly people can see in through your windows.” Leif ignored all the
insanity and simply focused on the practical. It was a very Leif way to handle it. “It’s difficult to tune out unless
we close our blinds all day long. We can’t predict when you’re going to have a shoot very well, so that’s not
reasonable.”
And it was frustrating because I never knew if it was going to be a lingerie day, a pup one, or nothing at
all.
Or if it was crazy man and screaming photographer have sex in the studio day.
We closed the blinds on those days.
Watching that seemed rude.
Crazy man shrugged. “We need the natural light, so like I said, no jerking off or anything weird.”
What would be weird in that situation?
Not that I was planning on doing anything weird, but…but I liked pup day.
“What are you going to define as weird in this situation?” Leif just had to be Leif and ask the question. “I
just want to make sure we’re all on the same page.”
“We’re definitely not all on the same page.” Crazy man was back to shaking his head. “Alright, let’s start
with what you’re watching.”
“The lingerie.”
“The pups.”
I really shouldn’t have answered that, but in my defense, I was still in shock from everything else. And
when both men turned to look at me, I really knew I should’ve kept my mouth shut.
“The pups?” Leif ’s eyebrow went up.
Crazy man frowned. “Why not the lingerie?”
Not knowing which nosy question to answer first, I automatically took a step back. “I…the lingerie. I
meant to say the models. They’re very pretty and most seem to be very nice.”
Not that I knew that firsthand but most seemed to have a good work ethic.
“Invite me in.” Crazy man sighed just as dramatically as I’d always imagined it sounding. “I’ll take tea or
water or juice. I’m at the overload point on caffeine, though.”
“I have some herbal tea?” For some reason, Leif thought that would be a reasonable response.
Crazy man agreed with him based on his polite smile. “That sounds lovely.”
When had I fallen through to an alternate dimension?
How was I supposed to get home?
“We’ll get this cleared up so you two can go forward in a healthier manner. Don’t worry.” Crazy man
stepped into the apartment. “This is very nicely done.”
“Thank you.” Leif actually smiled. “That sounds like a very good idea, as well.”
What the fuck.
I still wanted to go home, right?
 Chapter 2

Leif

Ender was watching everything like he’d landed on another planet and wasn’t understanding the local
language or customs, but it was just making tea, so I wasn’t sure why he was acting so oddly.
“This is lovely.” The screaming man whose name turned out to be Eli surprisingly became sweet and
polite, actually crossing his ankles as he sipped the tea I’d made for him. “You have a lovely home. I never
thought these could be so warm.”
Focusing on the loft made everything easier to deal with and it didn’t seem to be triggering for Ender, so I
didn’t try to change the topic.
Besides, I liked our place.
“It’s usually all the metal and white.” I shrugged as Eli nodded, still looking around and studying the loft.
“We saw a few of those and they were cold and boring. It’s the warmer walls and the brick that really makes the
difference.”
And the price, but we liked living together and we liked the neighborhood, so it wasn’t too bad.
“You found an interesting place.” Eli finally settled back in his chair, gaze bouncing between me and
Ender. “It goes well with your interesting friendship.”
The logical part of my brain which liked privacy and organization said we should not tell the screaming
man anything that could be used against us in a court of law or with a hitman…but Ender was getting weird
and I wasn’t sure what the hell was going on.
He’d been watching the pups?
How had I not realized that?
Yes, we were at the point where we needed an expert to step in.
“I think so.” Throwing caution and common sense to the wind, I did my best to look relaxed as I took a
sip of the berry tea I’d made us. “We’ve been close since high school, but we’re moving into a more interesting
phase of our lives. Like the loft.”
Eli looked pleased, which might’ve made Ender nervous based on the way he sucked in a breath. “I’m
glad to see that you’re not completely blind to the changes in your relationship.”
I was mostly blind because I was still very confused about what he seemed to think he was seeing, but
telling Eli that felt like it would be a strategic mistake. “Thank you.”
Now what?
My brain was working overtime trying to sort everything out, but Ender ’s showed signs of being stuck. “I
was looking at the lingerie. The new line is very pretty.”
Eli and I both nodded, but I wasn’t sure what was going on. “This feels like he’s trying to convince
everyone in high school that he’s straight again. Tell me I’m reading this wrong.”
Ender appeared to decide that his tea was fascinating, so I focused on Eli who was frowning and studying
Ender again. “I’m sorry. I can’t do that.”
That was frustrating.
 “Tell me about the men your friend usually dates.” Eli swept his hand toward Ender, making me suddenly
realize I’d gotten distracted during the introductions.
Eli seemed to have a curious ability to fuck up everyone’s brains.
“Ender. I’m sorry. He’s Ender and I’m Leif.” I chuckled when Eli cocked his head. “The slightly weird
names were what bonded us as friends when we met in high school.”
Kids hadn’t exactly been rude, but we’d stood out in a sea of Chrises and Matts.
“I can see that.” Eli probably understood it as well, but he didn’t focus on that. “Were you always just
friends?”
That felt like I trick question but I found myself nodding slowly. “Yes, Ender ’s always had a thing for big
jocks.”
I was not a big jock.
I was tall and lean and more into chess than anything that resembled a high school sport. I’d filled out
over the past few years and was now actually going to the gym regularly, but it would never turn me into some
kind of bro dude guy like Ender usually lusted after.
“Because he actually likes large men or he likes the commanding energy they can bring to a
relationship?” Eli asked the mind-blowing question as Ender seemed to want to dive into his cup.
“I…” Thinking about the question had my brain grinding to a halt for a few seconds. “I don’t know
anymore. Before I would’ve assumed it was the large stature and muscles, but now I don’t know.”
Ender ’s face was flashing between red and white as his body tried to decide if he was in shock or just
embarrassed, but watching the color change like he was a live-action mood ring gave me a moment to think.
“He’s always attracted nice guys, and just as they get started, things fizzle out.” How had I not noticed the
pattern?
“Yeah, too nice to do dirty things to you, it’s the hardest part of dating. You find a guy who looks like he
could bend you over the kitchen table and fuck you into next week and they turn out to be subs too.” Eli said
the craziest things like he was just talking about his plans for the rest of the day.
It was so hard to sort out it took me running through it several times in my head before I realized what
he’d said. “He wants a dominant partner?”
As Eli nodded, Ender carefully placed his cup down on the coffee table we’d finally been able to save up
for and leaned back against the couch. I thought he just needed to breath for a second until he tugged the
blanket on the back of the couch over his head.
Ah.
Eli smirked but didn’t seem to find Ender ’s hiding strange enough to comment on…probably because he
knew stranger people. “I think so. It goes with who he’s been picking to date and how he watches the puppy
shoots much more intently than you guys do the other ones.”
How had I not noticed that?
I knew I was stuck on that issue, but it felt too important to let go. “I didn’t…”
Tea.
Breathe.
Thoughts.
“When are the puppy shoots usually done? I know I’ve seen a handful of them but I can’t remember him
treating them differently.” Pieces weren’t coming together into a real picture yet, but it felt like we were getting
closer.
“When you’re working.” Ender ’s helpful response was slightly muffled but he got the point across. “You
usually have your headphones on so you don’t notice what I’m doing.”
“Thank you.” Well, at least some of that was cleared up.
Eli seemed more confused than ever, though. “Where do you work that you don’t notice what he’s doing?”
Oh, good question.
I pointed up toward the loft area. “I know it’s bad for my back, but I have a cozy setup on my bed.”
I’d regret it at some point, but I wasn’t there yet.
“Ah.” But just as his frown cleared, it came back. “Your bed?”
Ender groaned, so I took that to mean he was done being helpful. “Yes, it’s larger than it looks up there
and we have two beds.”
Eli cocked his head. “How do you jerk off? If you’re not in a conventional relationship then I’m assuming
you’re not having sex. So?”
I managed not to gape too long but I probably looked like a fish for a few seconds. “The shower.”
Sighing, Eli shook his head. “That’s terrible. It’s not relaxing and the only thing good you can say about it
is that you’re probably efficient at it and it’s easy to clean up afterward. That’s got to be the first thing that
changes when you start dating.”
We were going to date?
Ender had gone very still, which made me think he was wondering the same thing.
Eli didn’t find our reactions strange in the slightest though. “You’re stuck in limbo and ignoring so much
you’ve missed obvious signs about what the other needs. Like Ender ’s fascination with the pups. So we’ll work
on communication first, but that’s got to start with you explaining what you’re not getting that you need.”
Did I have something I wasn’t getting?
Well, sex would be nice, but I was a top and had a strong right hand, so it wasn’t that lacking.
I got enough physical affection from Ender because he was a cuddler when he wasn’t panicking because
we’d been invaded by the screaming man.
We went out regularly now that we both had jobs that could pay the bills with money left over.
“I think I’m fine.” The way Eli’s brows went up, but he didn’t call me a liar. “Really.”
“Please elaborate then.” Eli gave the impression that it was his right to know why I was happy and the
whole situation had gotten so out of control, I wasn’t sure he was wrong.
“Ender is a cuddler, so I’m not lacking in physical affection. We go out on a regular basis and have friends
that we see as well. I love my job. I have good hobbies. I like my life.” I thought that laid it out pretty neatly, but
Eli snorted.
“Sex.”
“He’s a top and he likes jerking off.” Ender took that moment to decide that he could do more than groan
as he hid under the blanket. “He jerks off in the shower, then we cuddle on the couch and watch something on
TV. Then we go to bed.”
Eli was slowly nodding as I tried to grasp how the world seemed to have shifted. “Okay, I believe you.
Tops are easily satisfied by a good tug and a cuddle. They’re not generally as needy as vers guys or bottoms.”
They were?
I was?
Wait.
“I’m needy.” Was that what I was supposed to be supporting? I’d lost track of where the conversation was
going, but when they both scoffed, I decided I’d missed the point somewhere.
“He likes us living together. He likes managing the house and he’s a homebody for the most part. He’s
also not good at hiding his frustration, so he’s telling the truth.” Ender came across perfectly happy talking
about me, but I wasn’t so sure he’d appreciate it if the tables were turned.
“Okay, I believe that.” Eli shifted his gaze to me as he brought his cup higher. “Why do you watch the
models?”
Oh.
“Well, they’re attractive and the lingerie is beautiful, but I mostly watch for the interpersonal drama.”
That had Eli going still and he blinked at me, so I felt the need to explain. “I’m a ghost writer, primarily for
romance novels. They’re great inspiration.”
I wasn’t sure if I should apologize or not, and his lack of response wasn’t helping to make the decision any
easier.
“He’s really good. He writes other stuff too. He can kill people off really well.” Ender was sounding much
more confident, but I knew that was just because he could talk about me.
“That’s a fascinating career.” Eli looked genuinely curious. “I have questions, and we do need more help
writing copy and things like that. So we’ll have a chat about the writing part of all this, but we can’t get
sidetracked. The pups.”
And Ender was back to groaning.
But that pleased Eli to no end based on how wide his grin got. “Now, do you want to be a Handler or a
pup, cutie?”
I’d shifted into being the genuinely curious one of the group because Eli’s expression said he knew the
answer already and Ender was still groaning. “He’s kind of dramatic when he’s upset. You should’ve seen him
when he thought he’d broken the garbage disposal.”
Eli didn’t seem to know how to take that, but Ender gasped, sounding utterly offended. “It sounded like
something had died in there. I had every right to be upset.”
As I shook my head at the ridiculousness of that assertion, Eli’s grin got wider. “He’s fine.”
“That’s good because the vibes I’m getting are nervous pup.” Shifting to cross his ankles the other way, Eli
raised one eyebrow. “How do you feel about that?”
Then he took a sip of his tea.
It was definitely a mic drop for drama queens kind of move.
I’d have to find a place to put it in a book.
“Well, several things actually.” I just wasn’t sure saying any of them was a good idea. But since we were
probably well past good decision territory, I just shoved ahead. “I’m not sure what it has to do with me. Clearly,
it does, but he’s allowed to like anything he wants to.”
The last part should’ve been too obvious to state, but it didn’t seem to be, so I said it anyway.
 “I haven’t spent enough time watching them to understand the draw of being a pup, but I’m sure they’re
very nice.” Everyone over there seemed to have fun at their job no matter how odd it looked, so Ender had
obviously found something he liked about it.
“Provided I think I know what it means, it would explain his dating choices.” And why he put up with me
constantly hovering over him. “Mentally, I’m circling back to the why does it involve me part, so I think this is
where I pause and you offer pearls of wisdom?”
I wasn’t being sarcastic in the slightest but Eli glared at me before deciding that I hadn’t been a dick.
“Well, based on how you’ve described your relationship, I think it’s safe to say that he wants you to be his
Handler.” Eli didn’t even pause as I gaped at him, he just kept going like this was a perfectly normal discussion
to have with tea. “I’m not sure how much you understand about the BDSM lifestyle in general, or niche groups
like pups, but it doesn’t have to be a sexual role unless that’s how you take it.”
Huh?
I had no idea how to respond to any of that, but the way Ender had gone completely silent under his
blanket said that Eli was at least in the ballpark on the situation.
Okay, what did I know that would be applicable to real life and not dirty romance novels?
 Chapter 3

Ender

Oh shit.
Why was Leif so quiet?
All I could hear was his breathing and the soft thinking sounds he made when he was writing. But that
meant he wasn’t panicking? It wasn’t his mumbled curses like when he got stuck on a scene or about the topic
of an article he was supposed to be writing about.
That meant he couldn’t be too frustrated with me, right?
“Alright, from what I’ve read, I understand it doesn’t have to be sexual in nature but it will be intimate.”
As I sat there dumbfounded and still hiding, Leif just kept going like it was a report he was presenting in front
of a class back in high school. “A sub generally feels more grounded in life when they have a Dom, sexual or
not, and safewords are incredibly important.”
“That’s a rather odd list of knowledge. Are you a Dom?” Eli had a very good question but I’d have never
been able to ask it in such an offhand way.
“No, but I had a request for some mild BDSM in a book I wrote recently and that’s what stuck out at me
that would apply in this situation and what I knew was real versus the fantasy that can be in fiction.” Leif ’s very
logical and surprising answer had me peeking around the edge of the blanket.
Shoot.
I couldn’t see him.
But as I went back to hiding, Eli asked another question for me. “What did you think of the dynamics that
you researched?”
“It wasn’t offensive if that’s what you’re asking.” Leif didn’t seem confused by the questions just slightly
huffy. “I can see why someone would be drawn to the lifestyle, but I’m not going to make up a thousand useless
rules just to give him ones to follow, and I really can’t see myself spanking him as a punishment. That’s not a
good way to change anyone’s behavior, first of all, and secondly, I don’t approve of fear-based motivators.”
His family were dicks, so I could understand that.
I was debating how to explain that to Eli when it turned out that I didn’t need to. “That’s understandable.
People are drawn to the lifestyle for different reasons, and I agree that Ender does not seem to be someone I’d
use fear to motivate. He’s a praise and reward pup, obviously.”
Obviously?
How long had he been watching me watching him?
“I’ve only researched BDSM in a wider, romantic view. Books, you know. How would it look if his Handler
wasn’t sexually involved with him and is there a way to know what he needs without actually asking him?” Leif
paused and I could almost hear him shrug. “I know that’s not how this is usually done, but…”
His voice trailed off and I assumed he’d gestured toward me based on Eli’s thoughtful hum. “Yes, I can
see your problem.”
I was glad they understood that part at the very least.
 “Alright, well, I can easily get him some biker shorts and an external tail harness. We’ve got those just
lying around everywhere, right now. There’s a new line coming out shortly and we’ve been getting ready for
that.”
Leif made a thoughtful sound. “So he’s possibly been watching you a bit more often than usual?”
Oops.
Eli laughed.
Yep, that’d been how he caught me. I’d been greedy.
“Yes.” Eli didn’t elaborate on that too much, thankfully. “But that means I have spare pup parts all over
the place right now. I’ll drop those off soon. I can’t stay much longer, but I think we’ve gotten the main points
out into the open.”
Well, he wasn’t wrong about that.
“Yes, I have a lot to think about.” That was probably an understatement, but Leif didn’t seem like he was
horrified. “Will the parts be self-explanatory?”
Eli giggled, making me smile and blush. “Yes. But I won’t send over anything too difficult to use or that’s
designed to arouse. Baby steps, you know.”
No, we really didn’t know.
Leif didn’t argue about that, though. “Yes, one step at a time.”
How was he taking all of it so well?
“But before I leave, I think we should reassure the nervous pup.” Eli shifted but I couldn’t figure out what
he’d done, even when Leif made his confused thinking sound again. “He’s going to be worried about what’s
changed and what hasn’t. He’s also going to need to hear that you don’t think less of him.”
Leif huffed but Eli cut him off and sounded like he’d rolled his eyes. “I know you don’t think less of him
or I’d be taking him with me. Pups make very cute and very loyal friends.”
They did?
He would?
I was starting to be very grateful that Leif seemed to still want to keep me.
“I’m not going to justify that with a response.” Leif sounded offended but I couldn’t figure out what part
had offended him. The whole conversation had gotten completely off track. “Fine.”
I’d missed something, but it wasn’t until the couch shifted and I felt Leif beside me that I realized what
I’d missed.
Him moving.
“If you need help—” Eli’s frightening words were cut off by Leif ’s scoff.
“No, thank you. I can cuddle my…my Ender perfectly fine.” Leif was getting more and more offended by
the second but nothing in Eli’s tone said he was worried, and I was still very lost.
But I was getting cuddled, so I couldn’t complain.
“Come here, drama queen.” Leif shifted until he seemed to be sitting sideways on the couch, and then
wrapped his arms around me until I was cuddled into his chest. It was our the movie had gone unexpectedly sad
position, and one I generally didn’t end up in unless a dog had died or something had gone very wrong.
For a moment I worried that it would bring up bad memories, but all I felt was warmth as I buried myself
closer against him. Leif chuckled and tightened his hold on me. “Alright, first, I will always think you are a
lunatic who makes impulsively bad decisions and nothing will change that.”
Really?
Nothing?
“Second, while I haven’t really noticed the pups, that’s not because I find them distasteful or weird.
You’ve just spent more time watching them, and I’m very…content might not be the right word, but it’s not
wrong. I’m happy in my life, so I might’ve missed how you were curious about something. But that’s my bad,
not anything you did wrong.”
Yeah, he was happy in his life.
He liked his work, and he liked that he could pay the bills, and he liked that he had someone to hover
over.
Me.
“There’s nothing wrong with being happy.” I wasn’t quite as content as he was, but it wasn’t something I
was upset about. “You’ve got a lot going in the right direction now.”
It hadn’t always been that way, but it wasn’t his fault.
“Third, you need to tell Eli that you feel safe and you’re not worried, because I don’t think he’s going to
leave until he knows you’re alright.” Leif ’s slightly dry tone made me smile…well, I smiled until Eli spoke.
“Smart men are very sexy.”
Oh no.
Popping out from under my blanket, I glared at him. “No. No flirting. No confusing him.”
Leif might not be my boyfriend or anything, but I certainly wasn’t going to let Eli have him.
Ugh.
That drama queen smirked. “Fine.”
Leif groaned and sounded tortured. “Don’t give me anything else to be confused about.”
I definitely couldn’t promise that, so I focused on snuggling back into him to show Eli that Leif was my
snuggle buddy, and not his anything.
“It seems you’re fine for the time being, so I’m going to head back to work.” Gesturing toward the
window, he chuckled as I blushed. “Feel free to watch as long as you obey the rules.”
No jerking off.
Nothing weird.
I still didn’t know what weird might be, but I nodded and that seemed to make him happy.
“The pups will be doing a shoot tomorrow at seven in the evening because we’re having to work around a
few annoying day jobs right now.” His frown said he didn’t appreciate that, and I couldn’t blame him. “But that
should give you time to talk about a few things between yourselves and then Leif will be much better prepared
to watch the shoot.”
Oh.
“Yes, that gives us time to at least get the conversational ball rolling.” Leif sounded too confident about
that for my liking so I went back to hiding under my blanket. “I think it’s going to be a slow process.”
Eli snorted.
 He was so rude.
“Don’t get up. I’ll see myself out.” His snotty tone got a chuckle from Leif, which might’ve been what he
wanted because he sounded flirty as he stood up. “Thank you for the tea and the fascinating company…and
don’t worry, we’ll do this again soon.”
Because of the gear or because he was shockingly nosy?
Leif didn’t ask, so I decided it was probably both.
“It was enlightening.” Leif ’s response made Eli laugh as he walked through the apartment, heels clicking
until I heard the door shut.
Leif finally let out a long breath and seemed to deflate into the couch, but luckily, he took me with him
and snuggled me closer.
He liked cuddling.
“That was the weirdest work break we’ve ever taken.”
Another understatement.
“Sorry?” The whole situation felt like my fault but Leif shrugged.
“No, I’m not sure what your response should be to all this but no one needs to apologize.” His slightly
dramatic sigh made me smile. “We might need to avoid the windows more, though. Except for the pups
tomorrow.”
Really?
“You can just ignore all that. I promise.” He didn’t have to change his life for me. “I’m not unhappy…just
a bit curious. That’s all.”
Leif huffed and I could picture the glare on his face.
“We both get to be happy and there’s nothing wrong with curiosity.” His slightly offended tone was
adorable, even though I’d never tell him that. “I just don’t understand it enough to know what to say next.”
And Leif wouldn’t like that at all.
He liked that less than when I’d been doing the nude modeling for the art classes.
“I don’t know what to say next either, so my vote is to just ignore it.” He wasn’t going to let me get away
with that, and I knew it even before the words had come out of my mouth.
Or before he’d snorted.
“Fine.” So ignoring it wouldn’t work, but there weren’t any other more reasonable options.
Talk about it?
Explain the weird stuff in my head?
Confess how I felt about him?
Um, no thanks.
I might be curious but I liked a lot about my life and stuff like the cuddling was a big part of it. So what if
snuggling with him made me hard? An erection wouldn’t kill me and I had to get a shower eventually.
“I’m going to come up with some questions that you’re going to answer in a timely fashion.” Leif was
starting to sound like he was outlining his next project.
He liked planning.
 I wasn’t sure this was a good idea, but I didn’t know how to stop it.
“Then we’ll watch the pup photo shoot and I’ll work on getting a handle on what you like about it.” He
made it all sound so easy. “At that point, we’ll re-evaluate our plan and map out the next steps.”
That was writer talk for and then we’ll figure shit out.
It was a bad idea but stopping it seemed completely out of my control. He wouldn’t believe lies and
telling him the truth was ludicrous. My best bet was probably to delay and evade, but I wasn’t good at that
either.
It’d been a miracle I’d managed to keep him away from the pups as long as I had, and that was mostly
dumb luck. The fact that he was fairly easy to talk into working a bit longer worked in my favor too, but I didn’t
take advantage of that often. He worked too much as it was. He needed a hobby, not for me to stress him out
because I had a hobby I was hiding.
Was being a Peeping Tom a hobby?
No, I was doing research.
Yes, that was much more accurate because it was true. I was researching what being a pup would be like
and trying to understand the lifestyle.
Yep, it was educational.
“Okay, since it seems like watching the models is out for today, how about we watch a movie? You didn’t
have work planned anyway.” Just thinking about it seemed to relax him and I heard him try to hide a sneaky
yawn. “I’m not behind on my word counts and there’s nothing due today. How does that sound?”
Like I didn’t have to talk about the pup stuff…so wonderful.
“Something with good explosions?” That was always relaxing and he’d fall asleep as soon as we found just
the right snuggle position. “Or we could watch one of those old asteroids blowing up the world ones, those are
cute.”
His bark of laughter made me grin. “You are so weird.”
At least that was about my views on movies and not the rest of the stuff in my head. “You know I’m
right.”
“I know you’re something.” The smile in his voice had me pushing him back so I could relax better too.
He wasn’t the only one who needed a nap.
I’d lost several years of my life when Eli had started knocking on our door, and several more when he’d
managed to talk his way into the apartment. A nap wouldn’t ever get those years back, but it would make the
rest of my day better.
“I’m the or something that’ll make fish for dinner if you’re not nicer.” That had him letting out a bark of
laughter and giving me another hug.
“Fine. You’re fabulous. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
Yep, fabulously confused…that was me.
But I’d worry about that after naptime.
 Chapter 4

Leif

Ender was not as subtle as he thought he was.

“Don’t worry about it.” Doing my best to smile and not look like I suspected shenanigans at all, I glanced
toward the trash. “I promise to get that tonight before bed like always.”
Like I’d been doing since we moved in.
The trash did not miraculously need to be taken out hours early, especially when it was half full, just like
the laundry hadn’t needed to be done, and I hadn’t needed to go back to work. “We’re good and we have plenty
of time to do nothing but watch the pups. Making sure I understand what you’re looking for is my top priority.”
He sighed before he caught it and plastered a fake smile on his face. “Thank you.”
If he thought chores or work would distract me from figuring all this shit out, he was crazy. I was not
going to risk the wrath of Eli by admitting that I’d flaked out on watching the pups and questioning Ender.
That man would fucking kill me and we all knew it.
“Yes, thank you.” Ender looked like he was trying to give himself an internal pep talk, but it wasn’t
working.
I’d have given anything to know what was going through his head, but I wasn’t sure he’d have given me an
honest answer, so I didn’t ask. My plan was to get comfortable and start out with fairly simple questions where
his needs weren’t at stake…then we could work up to the harder stuff.
“I’m going to drag the chair over so we can sit together. No need to try and be subtle anymore, but why
don’t you turn off the main lights.” I didn’t think Eli would draw attention to us, but I wanted Ender to feel
relaxed…and I wanted Eli to see that I was following directions.
If I was going to argue with him about something, it wouldn’t be about watching the pups.
I was sufficiently curious to push that on my own.
“I…” Ender ’s gaze was bouncing around the living room and he even tried searching the small kitchen to
see what he could find there.
Nothing.
“Yeah, it’s really clean.” There was nothing to find because I’d been incredibly productive. We’d played a
similar game where he avoided anything he didn’t want to talk about—more than a few times, and this was
nearly at the I’m getting naked for money level of insanity.
My beaming smile must’ve held a hint of stubbornness because he sighed again as his shoulders
slouched in defeat, and he flicked the switch on the wall, slowly making his way in my direction. “Yeah, really
clean.”
Since we both seemed to be in agreement that he couldn’t avoid it any longer, he actually came over and
helped me pull the oversized chair in front of the window. Luckily for me, it was fucking huge and we wouldn’t
have any problem looking down into the studio.
“Sit with me. I want us both comfortable.” And so he wouldn’t have that as a reason to wander away.
“Don’t forget. You explained to Eli about my need for cuddles, so you know it won’t be an imposition.”
 Ha.
He frowned, his lower lip poking out before he caught himself again. “You know me really well. I don’t
want to impose.”
He was such a brat sometimes.
“I know.” My even brighter smile got another sigh and he seemed to decide not to hide it any longer. But I
just found it cute that he thought a bit of drama would be all it would take to distract me from everything I’d
found out yesterday.
He was curious about the pups and had hidden it from me…that was not something I would ever forget.
“Sit with me.” Reaching out, I took his hand and made it more of an order than a request as I tugged him
closer. “At least this way you won’t have to see my face.”
That had a smile peeking out before he snatched it back. “You’re an ass.”
Yep.
I ignored his drama, though, as I pulled him down to me and settled him sideways where he could hide
against my shoulder instead of looking directly at me, half on my lap and half on the chair. “They’re starting.
They look really happy.”
Our view didn’t give a clear shot to where they’d been changing, thank goodness, but we could see the
pups running around in their gear and got glimpses of their human Handlers as Eli had called them. “Even
their Handlers look excited.”
This had a different feel than the regular shoots did. “No one is panicked or worrying.”
Ender finally nodded, settling back into me. “Yeah, I noticed that to begin with too. The regular models
all look like they’re enjoying themselves, but it looks like they’re more stressed. The pups are just playing.”
No stress.
Just playtime.
I was starting to see what he liked about it, but I knew there was a lot to poke at. “Most of them have the
tails Eli mentioned, except that guy.”
The one in question had a lot less clothes on, mostly just a jock and the puppy gear, and his tail was not
wagging the same way the other tails were.
Ender ’s face heated but he couldn’t hold back a giggle. “He started out wearing more clothes but over the
past few months his outfits have been changing.”
Hmm.
“As long as he’s happy, that’s what matters.” Hugging him tighter, I rested my head against his and tried
to see it the same way Ender did.
I wasn’t sure I succeeded, but the longer we watched, the more he relaxed. That would’ve been enough for
me to count it as a success, but his smiles and quiet laughter made me feel more confident.
“What do you think about them?” Ender ’s whispered question had a thrill running through me.
“They’re cute.” Shifting so I could point to the far side of what we could see, I chuckled. “And I like the
games they’re playing. That one is playing hide-and-seek.”
He was a terrible hider because he was currently behind his Handler ’s legs, but they all seemed to be
having fun…and the Handler gave me another point when he reached down and stroked the pup’s head. “And I
like how tactile everything is. They get pets and everyone snuggles and there’s just a lot of different ways they
connect.”
Ender giggled. “You like anything that involves snuggling.”
Yep.
I scoffed to make him laugh again. “Snuggles are the best.”
He nodded, pressing closer against me and finally shifting so he could drape one arm around my chest.
“Yeah. Most of the pups seem to like pets and cuddles from their friends and the other Handlers. I think part of
that is because most of them have been doing this for a while.”
Nodding, I started rubbing his back as his hand began stroking over my chest. “From what I remember
about their blog posts, that’s right.”
Ender went still before his brain seemed to catch up again. “They have blogs? You read their blogs?”
“A few of them and yes.” I might’ve answered that backward but I thought he’d understood what I meant.
“I was trying to understand the whole thing and I found a section of the site that has all the blogs. Did you get
distracted by the gear and the pictures?”
His blush came back as he nodded, but I thought it made perfect sense. “I can understand that. We were
just looking for different types of information.”
That had him relaxing again and for some reason, giggling. “Information. Yeah.”
He was so ridiculous sometimes.
“It is information.” I gave him another huff as he snickered. “There’s visual information where we’re
taking in what they’re doing now. Things like behaviors and seeing if we have opinions on gear. I like the blues
personally.”
Because he’d look good in blue.
I didn’t give him too much time to process that, though.
“Then there’s information on their personalities and how they like being pups and what they’re thinking
about.” I’d just gotten more focused on the models, but it was obvious that I needed to shift my research in a
different direction.
“I think they’d like it because it makes them feel happy and free.” Ender ’s tone wasn’t as confident as I’d
have liked, but I was glad he was starting to share.
“I think that makes perfect sense.” I couldn’t resist teasing him, though. “Except for that one. It makes
him feel happy and naughty.”
That got more giggles from Ender and a slightly embarrassed nod. “Okay, maybe that one.”
I scoffed. “There’s no maybe about it. He’s thoroughly enjoying himself and his enjoyment is going to
make a mess if he keeps wagging and running around.”
Because his jock seemed to have disappeared.
Ender was trying to hide his laughter but his whole body shook as he clamped his lips together. So I had
to tease him a bit more. “He’s going to pull a muscle with all that bouncing and you know which one I mean.”
That pup was going to hurt himself if he kept bounding around with his dick waving in the wind. They
just weren’t meant to do that without getting injured.
“You’re not supposed to notice that.” Ender wasn’t doing very well at keeping his laughter in check, but
he was still trying.
 “Bullshit. His dick is waving around.” There was no way to ignore it. “You can’t tell me that if you were in
that pup’s position that you wouldn’t expect everyone to be admiring your dick? It’s saying hello to everyone he
meets.”
“I wouldn’t do that in public.” Ender looked scandalized but so far hadn’t realized he’d talked about
being one of the pups.
“You were a naked art model. You don’t mind being naked in public.” I’d always wondered if it would be
erotic for him under different circumstances. “This is just another form of art. But an enthusiastic one.”
He couldn’t seem to decide if he wanted to roll his eyes or die of embarrassment at the path the
conversation had taken. “It’s not the same thing.”
“Yes, it is.” I shrugged as he shook his head, just being stubborn. “The only difference is it’s cameras
instead of pencils and brushes…and that you’d probably get hard with this audience.”
And the blush was back.
His head crashed into me as he buried his face against my shoulder. “Don’t say that.”
I wasn’t sure that was a true no.
“Red is the only thing that will stop my teasing…and judging by how still you just went, you understand
the concept of a safeword.” Yep, research was very important and could help in any number of different ways.
I waited for a few seconds but Ender simply groaned again.
Not a safeword.
“Leif, no.” His whine felt more like he was testing the system rather than an actual order for me to stop.
“So I shouldn’t say that I think you’ve been imagining being one of the pups in the shoot and having your
erection waving around every time you wagged your tail?” Ender ’s adorably dramatic sigh answered my
question for me. “Well, if you don’t want to hear my opinions on it then you need to say red.”
Just to make sure he really did understand the concept of a safeword.
“It seems like I’ve been voted to be the Handler in this exploration, so that makes me your Dom.” Kind
of. I wasn’t sure I was dominant enough to be given that label, but I seemed to be the only one to see it that way.
“And just in case you didn’t realize it, part of my enjoyment is going to be making you squirm.”
No point in hiding that, I liked it when he got wiggly and embarrassed, I’d just never had the chance to
see it through to this point.
He’d always just been Ender before…but this was a new side of our relationship.
“Also, don’t forget, I’m very focused when I have a job to do.” His groan said he’d just remembered that.
It was definitely a fatal flaw in his plan for including me in this new project, but he had a safeword, so I
wasn’t worried.
I was confused…but not worried.
“Right now, my brain is fixated on how you’d react as a pup in that situation.” At the current moment,
several of them were chasing after a ball and it looked like chaos. “Both tails wagging as everyone watched you,
but you’re still running around and playing. Personally, I think it would be frustrating, but I’m not the pup, so
I’m not sure my opinion on that really matters.”
“I…” Ender swallowed, completely focused on the pups. “I think your opinion matters a lot.”
I wasn’t sure how much to read into that statement, so I tried to do my best. “Well, my opinion might
matter on what kind of games we’d play and how I’d take care of you.”
 What else was involved in being a pup?
“But things like how you sink into your headspace and what is frustrating versus enjoyable isn’t
something you can change very easily.” Or at all? “Then there’s the fun playtime versus you need to be
punished, and that would affect the situation too.”
Ender went still again and I could almost hear him swallow. “Punished?”
What exactly was his question?
“Yes, correcting negative behavior or asserting my dominance when that’s been questioned.” Right? “If…
hmm…let’s say the excitable puppy down there had been naughty and orgasmed when he shouldn’t have.”
Ender couldn’t seem to decide if he was going to die of embarrassment or giggle, so I just let him squirm
and try to figure that out as I went on with my example. “His Handler might decide to use the…the interior tail
and the running as a way to remind him that his orgasms don’t belong to him. Who knows, we can’t see well
enough to know what’s on his penis. He might have on a cock ring.”
That might’ve pushed Ender ’s brain a bit further than it could process. His mouth dropped open and he
was just blinking as he watched the pups play.
Okay, when he could function, we’d do a check-in…once I figured out how that should look.
More research was definitely necessary.
 Chapter 5

Ender

Orgasms belonged to the Handler?

Correcting behavior?
Cock rings?
We really couldn’t see enough about what was going on to know how true Leif ’s guesses were, but my dick
didn’t know that and neither did my imagination.
“I need you to tell me if we should back off of this particular topic or if your reaction is because it’s
surprisingly arousing.” Leif ’s utterly rational question made me realize how still I’d gone.
I knew I was probably freaking him the fuck out, so I took a breath and tried to function. His comment
didn’t help, though. “Checking for myself at this point seems like it would be crossing a line…or maybe
several.”
That got a laugh out of me and I could finally get my mind to stop whirling.
“You think?” My slightly sarcastic tone had him chuckling too.
“What would Eli say to that? Hmm? Then tell me if I should know it would be an overstep.” His smart-ass
retort had me groaning, which pleased him to no end. “Yep, now, would you like to answer my question?”
“No, but I’m not sure the alternative is a good idea.” It wasn’t until he let out a quiet laugh that was
definitely on the wicked side of things that I realized what I’d said and how it could be taken. “Don’t read into
that. My brain isn’t working.”
That did not stop his pleased, naughty sound. “Don’t worry. I won’t read into it. I’ll ask very specific
questions.”
He was thoroughly enjoying tormenting me.
And somehow, he didn’t realize how many Dom tendencies he had.
“A few things you mentioned in your scenario tripped my brain up.” Yes, explaining that definitely
seemed easier than handling the crossing-the-line discussion. “It wasn’t bad in the way you might’ve assumed,
though. Just…startling.”
I thought I’d done pretty well at explaining myself, but Leif made a low, thoughtful hum that had me
starting to worry about what he was going to say.
“Did the idea of an orgasm as, let’s call it, behavior modification trip your brain up or was it something
else?” His question had me reminding myself that I could always safeword, but I wasn’t sure if it was a
safeword situation.
He was finally talking to me about the puppy play stuff and sounding like he was actually going to be my
Handler.
That meant I had to answer his questions one way or another, right?
Fuck.
“Okay, um, if we’re going to explore the puppy play stuff then I’ll answer, but if you’re going to decide it’s
too weird for you to deal with then let’s not go there.” Getting it out wasn’t as hard as I’d feared, and the reward
was another hug so that made it easier too.
“Why would it be too weird?” He genuinely didn’t seem to understand what I’d meant. I could hear the
confusion in his voice. “It’s not the weirdest thing you could’ve come up with. I might not know a lot about
lifestyle stuff but I know that much.”
I couldn’t hold back a laugh even though he was making me insane.
“No. Logically, I realize it’s not the craziest thing I could’ve found interesting.” It wasn’t even the
strangest thing going on across the street, honestly. “But we’ve been friends for too long for me to ruin it over
something like this. I don’t need to involve you if this is too much.”
It was a weird ask on a lot of levels.
Leif was quiet for several moments before he shrugged. That was it. A shrug. As I imagined ways to kill
him and get his body down the stairs, he mercifully stopped torturing me. “I don’t think it’s too much. I
wouldn’t do it for anyone else. Like, if Mac asked me to do it, that’d just be weird. But you’re different.”
Oh, I was really trying not to read into that but he was talking about orgasms and tails and controlling
me.
Wait.
Did he think Mac was a pup too?
He was making it hard to keep my imagination from wandering into places it shouldn’t be going.
“So I guess what I’m saying is that it’s not too much, and I can’t think of anyone else we know that I’d be
comfortable giving that much control over you to.” He somehow thought all that was rational and even
sounded like the thought offended him. “No, that’s out of the question.”
Huh? I had to think through the slightly mangled sentence a few times and still came out confused.
He’d be giving control over me to someone else if I found another person to be my Handler?
Had that been what he’d meant?
God, this whole thing kept getting weirder and weirder.
Did he think he was already in control of me?
Oh, stupid question.
Yes, he did…and he had no idea how insane that was making me.
“You know that you’re going to have to see me naked, right?” When I realized the question sounded
stupid, I kept going. “Like not you have to piss when I’m in the shower naked, but the real kind.”
He barely held back a scoff and I knew he was rolling his eyes but I didn’t look. “Yes, I’ve seen the pups
across the street. I understand that I’d be helping you get ready and into the right…headspace…is that the
word?”
Leif didn’t wait for me to do more than nod before he kept going. “And depending on your preferences or
maybe it’d be needs…whichever…I’d see your erection and possibly encourage you to have an orgasm in one
way or another.”
As my body tried to decide if it was going to get more turned on or just die of a heart attack, Leif made
another thinking sound. “Yeah, there’s got to be several ways to get your pup side there. I’ll just have to figure
out what works best.”
God.
 Heart attack.
Yep, that was what it was going to pick.
Leif didn’t seem to realize I was dead, though. He just kept rubbing his hand over my back and snuggled
closer to my corpse. “Should we work our way up to that or go in guns blazing? Part of me says that we should
take things one step at a time but then another part of me is pointing out that you overthink everything.”
Well, maybe.
But I was dead, so I didn’t have to worry about answering.
“Drama queen.” Shaking his head, he leaned forward and frowned at the window. “Do you think playing
with other pups in the beginning would be fun or is that something we should work up to as well? Dogs are
social creatures.”
How was I supposed to answer that?
I wasn’t going to actually be a dog.
“We’ll figure that out.” Brushing aside how weird his questions had to be feeling, Leif was still acting very
thoughtful about the whole thing. “The naked and hard part is probably what we need to get through first or
you’ll never be able to find that playful headspace the other pups have got. You’ll worry yourself into being a
human and that won’t be as fun.”
I had several questions but none came out when he shifted me and glanced down at my lap. “Okay, good.
You’re already hard. That’ll make this easier.”
Oh God.
“Stop playing dead. That isn’t the game we’re focused on right now.” Somehow his frown made it feel like
I should apologize even though he sounded insane.
“But…” Well, at least I knew I was breathing?
“I’m starting to see why people in BDSM situations need safewords.” Somehow Leif said that without
even stumbling over the sentence. “Alright, how should we do this?”
I was worried he might answer if I asked what he was talking about, so I stayed quiet and panicked
instead. It felt more productive and I knew I was right when he kept working his way through his options
without my input.
“Waiting until we go to bed or you get a shower is the most logical, but logical never makes you happy. So
that’s out.”
I was not that difficult.
“The shower would probably make it too easy to ignore me too, and that wouldn’t move us past this road
block.” Leif scrunched up his face and went back to looking out the window before he shook his head. “No, I’m
not sure any advice he could give would be safe or helpful.”
Oh shit.
No, we weren’t asking crazy guy.
“Yeah, there’s only one good solution that would make sure you could find your pup headspace side when
we get you the right gear.” Leif sounded so reasonable that I almost forgot what we’d been talking about.
“Okay, do you want to do this very rationally or do you want seduction? I can do both, so don’t worry about
me.”
When had I died and ended up in Hell?
 That had to be the only reason I was listening to him say things like that. I’d died and I was reliving the
fantasies that’d probably gotten me to Hell in the first place.
I just…
Pulling my T-shirt over my head, I closed my eyes and wished I could reach the blanket on the couch.
“If you don’t have an opinion, I’ll pick, but I don’t want to get this wrong.” Leif ’s voice sounded frustrated
and I knew he was frowning but I wasn’t going to look. “Ender?”
Shaking my head got a sigh out of him. “You’re being ridiculous, but I’m starting to see why you need a
Dom. You’ll never get this done on your own.”
There wasn’t a question in his frustrated rambling, so I didn’t feel bad about staying quiet. Unfortunately,
it didn’t turn out like I’d expected. Instead of just ignoring me and going on with his day, Leif decided he was
the Dom and made the decision for me.
Who’d told him that was acceptable?
“Alright. Hiding is not a safeword. It’s not even the Sign Language version of a safeword. It’s not even
something like a bell that I wrote about a character using.” Leif ’s reminders might’ve been for him or me, but
either way, he made sure we were both on the same page when it came to safewords.
He let out a breath and then seemed to find his confidence because his arms tightened around me and he
kissed my neck. “I think you’d like seduction more so it didn’t end up feeling like that art class situation again.”
Well, he wasn’t wrong but he was kissing me.
And he kept doing it…on purpose.
“You smell good.” The random comment did stupid things to my dick that I did my best to ignore, but
Leif didn’t seem to understand my goal because he brought a hand to my chest and started softly stroking me.
And getting lower and lower.
“You taste good too.” It felt more like casual conversation than seduction, which was incredibly confusing
when he combined it with the kisses and caresses. “And you make the best sounds.”
I did?
Shit.
I’d whimpered.
What else had I done?
Oh, was that how he knew I liked what he was doing?
“Why haven’t we done this sooner?” Leif nibbled on me before I could answer him and I wasn’t sure if
that was a good thing or not. “Let’s see what else you like.”
His curious science experiment tone shouldn’t have made me harder but somehow it did. My dick was
totally against me and I wasn’t sure why he was being so stubborn. This was going to end badly and we both
knew it.
Me and my dick.
Me and Leif.
Leif and my dick.
Yep, everyone involved should’ve known it was a terrible idea.
“I’ve always wondered if your chest was as soft as it looked.” His offhand comment left me dumbstruck
but he completely blew my brain when he slipped his hand under my T-shirt. I’d made that entirely too easy
and should’ve expected the move. “It is. All those soft hairs are fuzzy.”
I looked like I waxed or something until someone got close and then the fine hairs on my chest were
visible, but I’d never imagined Leif noticing.
“I’m glad you like me playing with them because I can see this being fun to do while we’re watching a
movie.” For some crazy reason, I couldn’t decide if his random comments or his touch was sexier. I probably
should’ve been questioning both our sanities but he found my nipples.
“Oh, I found something fun.” I couldn’t hold back a moan as he made gentle circles around my nipple,
but when he gave it an unexpected pinch, it was like lightning had gone through me. “Yes, these are going to be
wonderful toys to play with.”
His stupidly cheerful tone didn’t tell me if he knew how sexy that was or not.
Asshole.
“You make such fun sounds.” He kissed my neck again as he gave my nipple a harder tug, and he was
right, I made fun sounds.
I moaned and arched…and whined when he let me go before I was ready.
Asshole.
He just chuckled and went back to making slow circles to torture me. He sounded so happy, I couldn’t
help peeking my eyes open and watching as his fingers teased my skin. He was thoroughly enjoying touching
me.
It was so weird.
“See? This isn’t as scary as you thought it would be.” His comment had a smart-ass retort forming in my
head, but before I could fire it off, his hand started moving again and it took my breath away because it was
going lower. “But before I can make sure you understand that, we’re going to fix things.”
He gripped my sides tight and tugged me onto his lap. I’d been half there already, so it shouldn’t have
surprised me, but he chuckled when I gasped as the movement had my head popping out of my shirt again.
“So easily startled when you’re turned on.”
Slamming my eyelids shut didn’t save me from the crazy sensations that raced through me as my ass
landed on his lap…and his erection, but it did help me from having to acknowledge any of it.
Leif ’s delighted sounds made it clear he didn’t mind and he didn’t let my drama stop him. “Still not a
safeword.”
He was such a pain in the ass when he was focused on something…how had I forgotten that?
I was an idiot.
I was a horny idiot, though, and the turned-on part of things won as his hand reached down and settled
over my obvious bulge. “See? The world didn’t stop just because I’m touching you, and it won’t end when I get
you in your gear, and the apocalypse won’t even begin when I see my horny pup running around with his tails
wagging around.
I couldn’t help blushing at the image he put in my head, but the way his hands started pushing down my
sweats might’ve played a part in it too. I should’ve worn clothes that were harder to get me out of, but in my
defense, I’d never imagined puppy watching would’ve ended up with his hand around my dick.
“Long and slender, yeah, that’s going to look cute waving around.” Leif was still sounding entirely too
happy about the whole situation. He didn’t seem to realize he was supposed to be worried, but I didn’t have
enough functioning brains to point it out. “Let’s see if you like this.”
This turned out to be a soft grip and slow pace.
It was completely maddening and I did like it…which he realized very quickly.
“More sounds.” He squeezed me slightly harder and chuckled as I moaned and bucked into his hand.
“Naughty boy. This is my game. I’m showing you it’ll be fine. This isn’t about you demanding that I go faster.”
My groan was probably slightly dramatic but it was definitely his fault.
Yep…and when I came it was going to be all his fault too.
Ugh, this was such a bad idea.
Right?
 Chapter 6

Leif

He was so cute.
No, probably shouldn’t overuse that word just in case. Ender could be prickly about weird things and I
had a feeling being considered cute while his cock was in my hand would be one of them.
But he was.
He was wiggling and moaning and making the most adorable sounds while he had his eyes scrunched up
like if he couldn’t see it then it wasn’t happening.
There was no logic about it, but I wasn’t worried because we’d reviewed safewords several times and he
was going to great lengths not to wiggle enough to dislodge my hands. Both seemed to be good indicators that
he approved of my plans even if he wasn’t going to admit it.
But he was stubborn about a lot of things so it shouldn’t have been a surprise.
“So wiggly.” Bringing one hand back up to his chest to hopefully remind him that he was supposed to be
still, I went back to playing with his nipples so it didn’t feel like I was just keeping him trapped against me.
“That’s better.”
The bucking to get more attention to his dick stopped and was replaced with a rocking motion that felt
incredible against my erection. But we weren’t focused on mine. We were working on his, so I did my best to
keep my attention where it was supposed to be.
On Ender and making sure he knew the world wouldn’t stop spinning if I made him orgasm.
“Such a good boy.” Yeah, he liked that too. “If you submit nicely, and don’t try to rush me, I’ll let you
come.”
I wasn’t sure how he’d take the teasing, but I was relieved when he whined and did his best to relax
against me. It seemed like he appreciated the praise and the reminder that he was my sub. I wasn’t as bad at
this as I thought I would be.
“Good boy.” That had him making a sweet, needy sound and tilting his head to the side. The obvious
request had a thrill racing through me. “Yes, that’s how a sweet sub asks for kisses.”
Ha.
His dick throbbed in my hand and his entire body seemed to clench.
I got that one right too.
But I didn’t let my pride distract me and I gave him the kisses he wanted. Pressing my lips to his neck, I
nuzzled against him as I pinched one nipple. It was almost like rubbing my head and patting my stomach at
the same time, but I was smart and focused…and his sounds said I was doing a bang-up job.
Knowing what he wanted at that moment made it easier to be confident too, so I rewarded him by giving
him more kisses and even nibbling on his ear which got a low groan and a shiver out of him. “Oh, my good boy
likes that.”
He also very obviously liked being called a good boy because his dick was a wonderful barometer of what
he was thinking and throbbed every time I said it. “Would my good boy like me to jerk him off harder? I want
to make sure my good boy likes his reward for being so sweet.”
 Oh, he liked that too.
I’d have to figure out if it was the words, the tone, or just the promise to play with his cock harder but
something did it for him and his whole body did that tense and shiver thing again. I knew what his dick was
trying to say, but it took his brain a bit longer to catch up to things and give me a nod.
It wasn’t much but I’d have accepted it. However, it seemed like Ender wanted an orgasm enough to push
through some of his embarrassment. “Please?”
Oh, begging?
That was fucking hot.
“Good boy.” That deserved praise, so I kissed his neck again as I tightened my grip and jerked him off
faster. “See what being good and using your words gets you?”
Something about that seemed to turn him on even more because his sexy gasp and the way he stiffened
like his eyes were almost rolling back in his head from pleasure couldn’t have just been about the rougher
touch to his dick.
Was it the talking? The tone?
“I like knowing what my good sub wants.” I thought I was on the right track when he whined and I could
feel his orgasm getting closer. “When you’re a human sub, that will mean words and nods get you rewards and
more pleasure, and when you’re a playful pup, that will mean barks and tail wags.”
That seemed to have a rush going through his entire body and his hands reached back and grabbed my
sides.
I might not have been brilliant, but that was a signal I could read clearly, so I kept up what he clearly
wanted…pup talk.
“You’re going to look so cute when you wiggle and wag your tail.” Either one or both. “And I can’t wait for
you to roll over onto your back and whine for tummy rubs.”
The other pups at the photo shoot did that on a regular basis, so I wasn’t surprised when Ender did a faint
side-to-side wiggle like he was imagining the pups. “We’ll play and I’ll throw a ball for you.”
The ball thing couldn’t have been erotic, so I had a feeling his obvious reactions and whine were just
about hearing me talk about what he’d wanted for so long. “And when you’ve been a very good pup and worked
hard, I’ll give you cuddles and pets and I’ll let you hump my hand. Would my pup like that?”
Yes, my pup loved that.
One more tug had his entire body tensing and his orgasm fired through him like a rocket. The way his
eyes opened in shock said he hadn’t expected it, but I was just glad I’d made him come and that he clearly liked
the humping my hand idea.
Yes, his words might not work very well but his body could communicate without him if it came down to
it.
And to reward such good communication, I kept jerking him off and went back to nibbling on his ear as I
pinched his nipple. It was a lot to keep track of, but he was worth the multi-tasking, and just kept shaking and
making the sexiest whimpers.
Ender was normally pretty quiet, so the sound effects were fun.
And I even got more when his orgasm finally slowed and he went boneless against me. Of course, that
might’ve been because I hadn’t stopped playing with him yet. “Oh, I like the whimpers, pet, and you’re so cute
when you’re getting soft. How long do you think I could play with your softie before it was too much?”
 Too silly?
Too mean?
Just right.
He turned his head and tried to hide against me, whining softly. “I…you can’t…”
That was not a safeword or a no.
“I think you’d like suffering for your Dom.” This part of his submissive side would at least. The pup side,
probably not, but there were clearly different parts of him I’d have to understand to make sure he was getting
what he needed. “But I won’t make you take too much now.”
I kept playing with his quickly deflating cock for a few more moments, rubbing over his slit and rolling
the head of his dick between my fingers to make him squirm just a bit longer. I didn’t want him to be able to
brush aside the scene as just a one-off or downplay how much I was enjoying dominating him.
Even when I finally stopped tormenting him, I kept my hand over his dick because he needed to know it
was mine. “What do you say to your Dom when he lets you come?”
Yep, I was going to keep reinforcing the new role I had in his life until he didn’t feel like he’d panic; until
the idea of trying to find someone else to be his Handler was completely out of his mind.
Like I’d let anyone else take care of him like that.
That was bullshit right there.
He couldn’t find regular dates that treated him well enough. He was crazy if he thought I’d let him submit
to any random moron that he went out with.
Of course, Ender was stubborn and kept his eyes shut, trying not to wiggle because I had a feeling he
liked the way I was holding his cock and petting his chest. “Well?”
His embarrassed whine made me smile, especially when he’d realized what he’d done and tried to stop
himself. My chuckle just had him sighing and slumping against me, the cutest pout on his face. “Ugh. Fine.
Thank you, Sir.”
“Hmm.” That was a bit more sass that I thought was appropriate. “Try again. This time without the
attitude, please.”
I was polite, but it wasn’t something we were going to debate on and he knew it…his sigh said that’d been
very clear.
“Sorry, Sir.” Taking a deep breath, he tried again with more submission in his voice that time. “Thank you
for…thank you for letting me come.”
“You’re welcome.” I shifted my head and leaned forward to kiss his cheek. “You were a very good boy and
I liked rewarding you.”
Ender couldn’t seem to decide how to respond, so he let out another dramatic sigh and complained.
“You’re going to give me a heart attack.”
“Yep.” He’d have fun until we got to that point, though. “But since that hasn’t happened yet and you’re
sticky, you’re going to get a shower.”
He was covered in cum and I was just making the mess worse every time I touched him. So yes, a shower
was top on our to-do list.
And to make sure he knew there wasn’t a debate about it, I released his penis and got us both standing.
“My understanding of BDSM is enough to grasp that leaving you alone right now would be bad.”
 His quietness as I tucked his dick back in his clothes and the way his face had gone a slightly tomato-
looking color said I was right, so I explained my plan as I gave up trying not to get cum on his clothes. That was
a losing battle. “You can choose to shower while I watch and talk to you about random stuff, you can shower
while I tell you what to do, or I can get in with you. If you can’t pick, don’t worry, I will.”
I wasn’t sure if that was a helpful promise or a threat, and his groan along with the look on his face said
he wasn’t sure either. “I think you’re just being mean.”
Nope, I was being controlling.
That was more fun.
“I like being able to tell you what to do, and honestly, knowing it turns you on is even better.” Because
then I didn’t have to worry about being too bossy and pissing him off. My genuine sincerity must’ve been
obvious because he huffed and waved his hands.
I took that to mean I could do what I wanted, so as I led him to the bathroom, I tried to decide what
would be the most useful. Him naked in some way was a base-level step. Ender needed to see that I was fine
with the new development so he didn’t get weird when I put his tail on or in. My being naked was probably
negotiable.
But would it make me look more serious about being his Handler if I got in with him?
Would it make him more confident about sharing that side of himself with me?
Every step just led to more questions.
I hadn’t decided what to do by the time we got to the bathroom, but turning on the water and starting to
strip him gave me more time to consider my options. “If I get in with you, I’m going to get an erection. Would
that bother you?”
Ender closed his eyes but his dick was chatty and tried to wave hello as I pushed his pants and briefs
down.
Well, that answered my question.
“Alright, thank you for being clear about your answer.” I wasn’t really being an asshole, but his groan was
a mix of embarrassment and frustration, so I wasn’t sure he’d believe me. “Hands on my shoulders. I don’t want
you to fall.”
The bathroom was small enough that he’d knock himself out on something if he went down.
“I’m not going to fall,” he complained but his hands came up to my shoulders and he steadied himself as
he stepped out of the puddle of clothes. “I can take care of myself.”
Technically that was true, but it seemed more like sub pushback to see what I’d do than actually trying to
assert his need to take care of himself.
“I don’t know what that has to do with anything.” My vague response had him going quiet again. “Alright,
you step in and get under the spray, but I will be the one to wash you.”
Thankfully, the actual shower was bigger than the space we were standing in, so I wouldn’t end up
elbowing him in the gut as I got him cleaned up. The whole bathroom was stupidly designed, but at the
moment I appreciated how big the shower actually was.
Ender shifted and opened his eyes, but his lower lip went between his teeth for a few seconds. “You don’t
have to. I know you’re not going to freak out.”
He thought this was just about my proving a point?
 Did he—
Nope, I wasn’t going to try to guess what was going through his head because I had a feeling I’d get it
wrong. But would telling him the truth be any better? Ender was…he was confusing sometimes.
“I realize I don’t have to, but you need to see that I’m confident about what we’re doing, and this will
improve our intimacy. Your pup side won’t come out and be completely relaxed if your human side isn’t
confident or comfortable being naked and aroused around me.” When Ender just blinked at me, I knew I was
right.
I’d never guess what was going through his head, and we definitely needed to work on our intimacy, so I
decided not to worry about it. “Shower.”
Blink.
Blink.
“Yes, Sir.”
Well, it was a step in the right direction, so I kissed his cheek and turned him to face the shower so he
could walk around the glass half-wall that separated the spray from the rest of the room. “Good boy.”
Yep, he still liked that.
It was good to know for a lot of reasons, but knowing I’d made him happy made me happy. It was
probably going to be a vicious cycle, so I didn’t bother trying to hide my erection as I quickly stripped out of my
clothes.
My being aroused couldn’t have been that big of a shock considering how much he’d been wiggling his
ass on my lap, but he blushed and focused on the water like it was the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen.
That wasn’t going to work.
“Nope.” Stepping behind him, I shook my head before turning him to face away from the water. “I know
you. If I let you get away with this now, you’re going to spend the rest of your life pretending I was never hard.”
Ender went back to being the color of a tomato but he didn’t argue too much. “I don’t know what you’re
talking about.”
Of course, he didn’t.
“Look down.” I wasn’t sure if he was just looking for an order or if it was my stern tone, but his gaze
dropped without hesitation. “Good boy. Do you see my erection?”
He nodded, eyes getting wider by the second. “You do not have to do anything with it. You just need to
understand I will get aroused when we’re doing things together. But contrary to what everyone said in high
school, having an erection that doesn’t get attention will not kill anyone.”
That got a chuckle out of him. “I don’t know. I heard from several reliable straight guys in gym class that
blue ball death was a real thing.”
Rolling my eyes, I snorted. “I bet they were very convincing to their girlfriends too.”
But complaining about the dramatics of teenage boys wasn’t on my to-do list at the moment, so I pushed
that to the back of my head as I reached for the body wash and squirted some in my hands. “We’re both smarter
than them, so it doesn’t matter.”
Ender ’s brain seemed to be processing something because he completely forgot to be embarrassed as I
started washing his chest and down around his dick. Mess came before general body dirt, so my goal was to get
the cum off him first.
 He was quiet until I finished washing under his arms and turned him around so his chest was under the
spray. Once he couldn’t see my face, that seemed to be the point where his mouth and his brain decided to work
in tandem again. “Does that mean I’m supposed to ignore it?”
“I don’t think I understand the question.” I wasn’t going to pretend to be a genius when there was clearly
subtext I was missing. “I’m going to need you to rephrase that even if it gives you that heart attack we were
talking about.”
The way his head fell back and he sighed said he wasn’t going to fight me on it. “Great.”
I knew he’d get it out eventually, but I hoped he figured out what he wanted to ask before the hot water
ran out.
 Chapter 7

Ender

I just had to open my mouth.

It’d been stupid, but in my defense, once I couldn’t see him it was easier to function. Even the fact that I
could feel his body brushing against mine as he moved behind me wasn’t killing my curiosity. Brains were
stupid and were even worse than dicks.
“Am I supposed to ignore your erection?” Okay, that hadn’t been heart-attack-inducing. Yes, not seeing
him while we talked was definitely the way to do it. “You touched me to build intimacy and to make sure we can
connect right when I’m a pup.”
There was logic in it…fucked-up logic, probably, but there was logic.
“I don’t need to touch yours and you made sure I understand that I don’t have to.” He’d been clear about
that and I appreciated it, but he didn’t understand that I still had questions about the strange situation we’d
found ourselves in. “But does that mean you don’t want me to?”
It’d been getting harder to talk about right up until his hands started cleaning lower down my back. Once
I realized where his fingers were heading, it was a lot easier to focus on the words. My only other option
seemed to be obsessing over what he was going to clean next, and that was not something I was going to let
myself think about.
The one upside to my slightly embarrassing question was that Leif ’s hands slowed to almost a halt as his
brain turned it over in his head. “So what you’re asking is that while you understand what we’re doing and you
understand that you don’t have to do anything with my dick…you want to know if you’re supposed to ignore it?”
“Yes.” There was something in his voice that said he still wasn’t sure what we were talking about, though.
I wasn’t even going to try to guess what was tripping him up because he was weird sometimes…and just
randomly tossing out strange comments would be the best way to make the situation even weirder.
“Do you want to touch my dick or is this a how much to ignore it kind of question?” Leif still sounded
confused, but I wasn’t going to turn around and look at him even if it would’ve been helpful. “I don’t want to
make you uncomfortable answering this, so I need to make sure I understand what we’re talking about.”
I was way past uncomfortable and starting to get hard again, so he was insane and needed to move the
goal post to something more reasonable.
“Um, well, let’s say that getting you off would make me feel submissive or that my pup side might like to
explore you a little…would that be an issue?” God, how had I ended up having such a crazy conversation?
“No.” Leif answered so calmly and easily I wasn’t sure how to take it. “That’d be fine.”
Fine?
Did that mean he’d let me do it but he didn’t want it?
“I’m confused. Would that be a suffering for your sub kind of thing?” I shouldn’t have asked that just in
case it was him thinking he should suffer for me, but it popped out before I could consider I might not want to
know the answer.
Fuck it.
“What does fine mean?” If it was already out there, I was going to get a real answer, so I told myself to
stop holding back. “I don’t want to do something that doesn’t turn you on or make you happy in some way.”
It might just be a weird way…Leif wasn’t the most normal guy I knew to begin with.
He snorted. “You can overthink anything.”
“You’re the one who thinks a hand job in the shower or my pup licking your dick would be fine.” God,
someone needed to shoot me.
As he laughed, I shoved my face under the water, wondering how hard it would be to drown in the
shower.
“Idiot.” He pulled me back against him and wrapped his arms around me. “Does this feel like I’m
suffering for you?”
Rocking his hips forward, he pushed his dick against my ass and ended up fucking himself between my
cheeks. I couldn’t help moaning. His rough touch and just the way his erection was dragging against me were
making it hard to think.
“No…I…” What had the question been?
The body wash running down between us made for badass lube and he kept fucking himself against me
as I tried to remember what we’d been doing.
“I…fine is good.” Yes, he’d been fine and I’d been stupid.
“No.” Leif ’s stern tone was doing wonderful things to me, but he took matters up a notch as he started
playing with my nipples. “I don’t think you understand yet.”
Maybe not.
But he seemed like he was going to fix it in an unexpected way because he kept rubbing his dick against
me as he kissed my neck again. “A sub needs to feel wanted. That makes sense. I shouldn’t have been so careful
with you.”
Careful?
Before I could decide if he meant emotionally or physically, he nibbled right under my ear and sent my
brain cells scattering in a thousand directions. “I’ll remember that next time.”
Remember what?
Moaning as he licked my ear, I tried to put the conversation back together but it wasn’t working. “I…we
have to be in this together.”
Yes, it wasn’t just about me.
Right?
It sounded sane in my head, but when he chuckled, I started to second-guess myself.
“I can’t decide how much togetherness you’re looking for, but you’re making me very curious to know
what’s going on in your head.” Leif said he was curious but he went back to nibbling on me and was making
sure I couldn’t get enough thoughts together to talk.
“Well, your big head…I know what the little one is thinking.” To illustrate his point, Leif reached down
and wrapped his fingers around the base of my half-hard dick like a cock ring. “But this is my turn, isn’t it?”
I managed a nod and maybe a moan, but it was like he’d turned my brain off and everything was hard to
track.
“It’s your Dom’s turn to come, so you’re going to rock back and forth and get me off.” He brushed his lips
softly against my neck, and the mix of soft kisses and his possessive hold was doing crazy things to me. “Be a
good boy.”
God, the way he said that.
I might’ve whined, but trying to obey him took all my concentration, so I wasn’t sure. “I… You…”
Damn it.
“You can do it, be my good boy and get me off. Don’t you want my cum to mark you?” Leif said the dirty
words so easily, I couldn’t help wondering if he was playing a role he’d written or if he was just saying what was
in his head.
Did he want to mark me?
Did he think I wanted to be marked?
Thinking was too hard, so I just obeyed, pushing every other distracting thought out of my head. I was his
sub. He’d given me an order.
The rest didn’t matter.
“Yes, good boy.” The first deliberate stroke of my ass against his erection had him moaning. “I knew you’d
be good at that.”
At what?
Obeying?
Getting him off with my ass?
Submitting in general?
As much as I wanted to know the answer, I didn’t want to do anything to make him think about what we
were doing just in case he decided to stop.
I was getting him off…yeah, we were going to finish this part before I encouraged his brain to start
working on what might be stressful questions.
“Yes, you know how to be a very good boy as long as you’re not thinking with the little head too much
either.” His fingers tightened into an obvious cock ring and I couldn’t help imagining what it would be like to
be caged for him. “God, you make the best sounds.”
I had?
Oh, that time the moan might’ve been me.
“You like that.” Leif pulled me tighter against his body, grinding his dick against my ass. I could barely
move, but he seemed more than willing to take over that part. “Would you like to be caged? Would you like that
helpless feeling? Would you like knowing your erection belonged to me?”
I wasn’t sure if he expected actual words, but as the images he was describing flashed through my head,
all I could do was nod. Somehow it never occurred to me to lie about it. Maybe we’d gone too far for my brain to
question if answering would be a good idea, but I couldn’t help the rush the idea sent through me.
“I could have you caged and helpless and jerk off against your ass every night.” His sexy, confident tone
made me wonder if he was really making the fantasy up as he jerked off against me or if he’d already imagined
doing it. “Are you the type of naughty slut who’d love to go to bed wearing his Dom’s cum?”
If I’d been thinking clearly, I’d have never answered that question, but my brain wasn’t working in any
capacity so my head just nodded like there was nothing weird about being honest.
 Leif ’s moan and the way his arms tightened around me said he didn’t mind that I was a bit of a slut for
dirty things, though. “I’m so glad. I can’t wait to hear everything else that makes you feel helpless and turned
on.”
Just imagining what might come out of my mouth had me flashing hot and cold, like my body couldn’t
decide if I was embarrassed or turned on or both.
Probably both.
I realized that once I heard a moan escape me again and felt myself trying to press my ass harder against
him.
Leif still didn’t mind, though.
He let out a wicked laugh and kissed right under my ear. “Such a good boy…a needy one too. But don’t
worry, I’m going to take good care of you.”
My brain took that in a thousand dirty directions and I knew if it weren’t for his hand I’d have probably
already exploded again. “Please let me come. Please, Sir. I’ll be fast. I promise.”
It seemed like a reasonable promise when it was coming out of my mouth, but his chuckle made me
question that even though logic was not my friend at the moment.
“No, boy.” Leif ’s words said no but the way one hand started playing with my nipples said there was still
some wiggle room in that answer. “It’s my turn.”
Pain and pleasure were flashing through me as he pinched and twisted my nipples, and I had to work at
taking in enough air to actually get words out. “I’ll…I’ll be good. Then I can come again?”
Yes, I could be good.
Arching my ass higher so his dick could slip tighter against me, I clenched around his erection like he was
fucking me hard with every thrust. Leif ’s entire body seemed to get a jolt of pleasure and he sent that pulse
washing over me as his dick nudged my entrance and his fingers pinched me harder.
But he still didn’t let me come.
Even when he groaned and I could feel his cock throbbing against me as his cum drenched my ass, he still
kept me restrained and desperate.
There was a small part of my brain that pointed out the desperation was probably helping me ignore the
reality of what we were doing, but it was easy to shut him up because Leif kissed my neck again. “Such a good
boy.”
I loved the way he said that.
It made my knees weak and tingly warmth it sent through me just lit me up from the inside out.
“I won’t forget how sweet and obedient being caged makes you.” Another kiss brushed aside the
embarrassment running through me, and it completely vanished as he released my dick.
All I could do was groan and whine as blood rushed into it, but Leif just gave it a pat. “If you’re a very
good sub after we get out of the shower, I’ll let you have another orgasm later.”
Nodding felt like the right answer, so I made sure to do it enthusiastically as I grasped for words. “Yes…
I…I can be good.”
He made a sexy, pleased sound and ran one finger along my erection. “I want you to try, but that means
you need to stay hard and you can’t start to worry about what I want or what’s going to happen. Happy sub.
Happy cock. That’s what’s going to get you another orgasm.”
 Oh.
His chuckle said I hadn’t hidden that reaction very well, but he didn’t seem to mind because he kept
toying with my dick. “Yes, that’s going to be hard for such a good overthinker like yourself, but if you want to
come, you need to try.”
I wanted to come.
“But…but I can just get another shower later if I can’t…if I can’t be good, right?” I was really not that
smart, but in my defense, my brain was still very foggy and I couldn’t grasp how dangerous that question was.
“No.” Leif ’s succinct answer was punctuated by a kiss on my neck. “My sub. My dick. My orgasms. And I
say no touching.”
Another pat to my cock…well, his cock that was attached to my body…had sparks firing through me even
though he’d probably just meant to make things perfectly clear.
Right?
“My dick to tease. My dick to play with. My dick to torment. Are we clear?”
Maybe not.
“I…I think…” Oh, I wasn’t thinking at all, so I had to take a deep breath and shove the first words that
were trying to escape back hard. I was not going to promise him whatever he wanted just because slapping my
dick around was erotic as fuck.
“I understand what you want and I’m willing to go over rules for that.” Yes. I could be reasonable and not
give in to completely irresponsible fantasies. “I need to understand what those rules mean to you before I
agree to that completely.”
Leif made a thoughtful hum and nuzzled against me. “Yes, limits and rules. That’s a very good idea.”
Somehow he made it sound like a dangerous one, but I knew I couldn’t let that stop me.
“Alright, we’ll discuss reasonable rules, but for tonight, I want you to agree that I give you an orgasm or
you just don’t get one on your own.” Leif ’s idea was a good compromise, but I must not have answered him
quickly enough because he started running one finger under the head of my dick. “We both know how much
you’re going to love giving me control. Let me hear you say it.”
Ugh.
He knew me too well.
Asshole.
But he was currently the asshole playing with my erection and nuzzling my neck, so…
“Yes.” There weren’t that many hours left in the day. “But…but the day ends at midnight and you…you
can’t keep playing with me…it…if you know you’re not going to give me another orgasm.”
He scoffed and I knew he rolled his eyes even though I wasn’t ready to look yet. “Of course, I’m going to
give you another…if you’re a good boy. This is fun.”
He had a few screws loose but it seemed I liked that in a Dom.
“Then we have a deal.”
And I had a few loose as well.
 Chapter 8

Leif

“There is no way with that scowl that you can be happy or happy.” I glanced down at his lap and raised
one eyebrow, which just made him press his legs together tighter as he moved his hand across his thighs.
He was definitely overthinking the situation, but the chances of him still being hard were very good…I
just wanted to make him admit it.
“I’m not worried and I’m not unhappy.” Ender ’s scowl shifted toward more of a frown as he wiggled,
probably trying to adjust his erection. “You keep coming too close for me to be unhappy.”
So just having me around him made him hard?
I must’ve misunderstood that, but I took the opportunity to test the theory and fuck with the frowning
pup again. “Let’s see then.”
Walking around the back of the couch as his eyes got wider and wider, I leaned over and stroked my
hands down his chest. “Do you like it when I get close to you?”
I had been messing with him, brushing up against him when I could and even making sure my dick
grazed his ass a few times when we’d been cleaning up the kitchen, but I wasn’t going to volunteer that unless
he specifically asked.
And he hadn’t…not yet, anyway.
He was quickly becoming too distracted to even think of accusing me of anything too. “You…”
Moaning as my fingers grazed his nipples over his shirt, he pressed his head back against the couch and
pushed out his chest. “I wasn’t worrying.”
That was debatable, but at least I knew he still wanted to come later.
“Spread your legs and stop hiding. Let me see that you’re hard. I want to give you the reward, but I can’t
have you lying to me.” Giving his nipples a firm tug that had his breath catching in his throat as he shivered, I
smiled as he tilted his head in a clear invitation.
Pressing my lips right under his ear, I loved the sounds it got me and I loved the way he slowly spread his
legs wider even more. “Good boy. That’s right. Show off how hard you are for me.”
He hadn’t put on briefs after our shower, so his erection was obvious in the cotton sleep pants. “I…it was
weird and not weird being hard around you and I kept trying to figure out how I feel.”
So overthinking but not panicking?
“I wasn’t worried, though.” He seemed to genuinely believe that, so I rewarded him with another kiss to
his neck and a gentle tug on his nipples. To him, though, a reward meant he had to keep going. “I…I’m still
trying to figure out the boundaries, I guess.”
Okay, that was a legitimate thing to overthink.
“We’re going to talk about this, but would you rather do it when we’re like this and I’m playing with you,
or would you like to do it upstairs where I can cuddle you more like a pup?” What were our other options? “Or
you could kneel for me down here.”
Too many choices might be bad, so I left it there and kept distracting him while he tried to decide what he
wanted. I wasn’t making it easy, but I seemed to be taking the edge off his overthinking, so I was counting it as
a Dom win.
“What…what would cuddling me like a pup mean?” Ender let out a soft sigh as I nuzzled against him. “I
don’t know what that would look like.”
“But you want to cuddle?” I knew the answer before he nodded, but I waited for the response before
continuing. “Then let’s go upstairs and figure out what feels right.”
Not giving him a chance to get his brain wound up again, I walked around the couch and took his hand.
“Come on. Lights out and then we’ll head upstairs.”
I kept a hold of him as we found where his cell phone was hiding and turned off the lights, and by the
time we were heading upstairs, he was giggling over the whole thing. “I’m not going to get lost.”
“That’s debatable. Your brain might start whirling and you end up on Mars. I’m not taking the chance.”
And it also felt like he could still use a distraction, so as his Dom it was my job to make sure I gave him one.
“That’s ridiculous.” But he was still snickering as I made him plug in his phone one-handed. “You have to
help me. This is insane.”
I wasn’t going to admit that he was right, but I did provide another hand so he was left shaking his head
as we got it done. “Thank you.”
Ignoring the slightly sarcastic tone, I nodded. “You’re welcome.”
His scoff said his brain was still on easier things, so I tugged his hand and pulled him onto my bed before
it could switch gears.
Grunting, he shifted around and sat up, glaring at me like I was an idiot. “We haven’t done yours yet.”
Technically he was right and I’d just set it down on my side of the dresser that was between our beds, but
I wasn’t worried. “It’ll wait.”
He was more important than how charged my phone was.
“You’re too far away.” I took a page from his playbook and glared at him as I tugged him closer, and it
worked fairly well.
Huffing, he let me move him around but kept grumbling. “You’re being ridiculous. There’s no right or
wrong way to cuddle.”
“Bullshit.” There were a lot of ways to cuddle and each one was for different circumstances. “Stop arguing
with me or you won’t get to come. Naughty boys and pups do not get orgasms.”
His eyes went wide again, but he was much more pliable as I sat back against the wall at the head of the
bed and made him curl up beside me with his head on my thigh. The extra-long twin mattress wasn’t huge, but
there was room for both of us to cuddle as long as he pressed close…which he didn’t seem to mind.
“Fine. See? Are you happy now?” He sounded grumpy but he curled his legs up tighter and rubbed his
cheek against my thigh. “I’m a pup. We’re both fine. No one is worried.”
He was really cute when he was being a pain in the ass.
I couldn’t help wondering how I hadn’t noticed that before, but self-reflection would have to wait so he
didn’t get more insane. “That attitude won’t get you an orgasm either.”
But it did get him pets on the head, which had him letting out a deep breath and feeling less tense.
“That’s better.”
We both ignored how close he was to my erection as I stroked his head and let him relax in quiet for a bit
Another random document with
no related content on Scribd:
 William Cullen Bryant, like most of the New England poets, was
not often humorous in his work. Perhaps the nearest he came to it
was in his Lines to a Mosquito.
TO A MOSQUITO
Fair insect! that with threadlike legs spread out,
And blood-extracting bill and filmy wing,
Dost murmur, as thou slowly sail’st about,
In pitiless ears, full many a plaintive thing,
And tell how little our large veins should bleed,
Would we but yield them to thy bitter need?

Unwillingly, I own, and, what is worse,

Full angrily men harken to thy plaint;
Thou gettest many a brush and many a curse,
For saying thou art gaunt and starved and faint.
Even the old beggar, while he asks for food,
Would kill thee, hapless stranger, if he could.

I call thee stranger, for the town, I ween,

Has not the honor of so proud a birth—
Thou com’st from Jersey meadows, fresh and green,
The offspring of the gods, though born on earth;
For Titan was thy sire, and fair was she,
The ocean nymph that nursed thy infancy.

Beneath the rushes was thy cradle swung,

And when at length thy gauzy wings grew strong,
Abroad to gentle airs their folds were flung,
Rose in the sky, and bore thee soft along;
The south wind breathed to waft thee on thy way,
And danced and shone beneath the billowy bay.

Calm rose afar the city spires, and thence

Came the deep murmur of its throng of men,
And as its grateful odors met thy sense,
They seemed the perfumes of thy native fen.
Fair lay its crowded streets, and at the sight
Thy tiny song grew shriller with delight.

At length thy pinion fluttered in Broadway—

Ah, there were fairy steps, and white necks kissed
By wanton airs, and eyes whose killing ray
 Shone through the snowy veils like stars through mist;
And fresh as morn, on many a cheek and chin,
Bloomed the bright blood through the transparent skin.

Sure these were sights to tempt an anchorite!

What! do I hear thy slender voice complain?
Thou wailest when I talk of beauty’s light,
As if it brought the memory of pain.
Thou art a wayward being—well—come near,
And pour thy tale of sorrow in mine ear.

What say’st thou, slanderer! rouge makes thee sick?

And China Bloom at best is sorry food?
And Rowland’s Kalydor, if laid on thick,
Poisons the thirsty wretch that bores for blood.
Go! ’Twas a just reward that met thy crime—
But shun the sacrilege another time.

That bloom was made to look at—not to touch;

To worship—not approach—that radiant white;
And well might sudden vengeance light on such
As dared, like thee, most impiously to bite.
Thou shouldst have gazed at distance and admired—
Murmur’d thy admiration and retired.

Thou’rt welcome to the town—but why come here

To bleed a brother poet, gaunt like thee?
Alas! the little blood I have is dear,
And thin will be the banquet drawn from me.
Look round—the pale-eyed sisters in my cell,
Thy old acquaintance, Song and Famine, dwell.

Try some plump alderman, and suck the blood

Enrich’d by gen’rous wine and costly meat;
On well-filled skins, sleek as thy native mud,
Fix thy light pump, and press thy freckled feet.
Go to the men for whom, in ocean’s halls,
The oyster breeds and the green turtle sprawls.

There corks are drawn, and the red vintage flows,

To fill the swelling veins for thee, and now
The ruddy cheek, and now the ruddier nose
Shall tempt thee, as thou flittest round the brow;
And when the hour of sleep its quiet brings,
No angry hand shall rise to brush thy wings.

Fitz-Greene Halleck wrote much in collaboration with Joseph

Rodman Drake, and it is often difficult to separate their work.
ODE TO FORTUNE
Fair lady with the bandaged eye!
I’ll pardon all thy scurvy tricks,
So thou wilt cut me, and deny
Alike thy kisses and thy kicks:
I’m quite contented as I am,
Have cash to keep my duns at bay,
Can choose between beefsteaks and ham,
And drink Madeira every day.

My station is the middle rank,

My fortune—just a competence—
Ten thousand in the Franklin Bank,
And twenty in the six per cents;
No amorous chains my heart enthrall,
I neither borrow, lend, nor sell;
Fearless I roam the City Hall,
And bite my thumb at Sheriff Bell.

The horse that twice a week I ride

At Mother Dawson’s eats his fill;
My books at Goodrich’s abide,
My country-seat is Weehawk hill;
My morning lounge is Eastburn’s shop,
At Poppleton’s I take my lunch,
Niblo prepares my mutton-chop,
And Jennings makes my whiskey-punch.

When merry, I the hours amuse

By squibbing Bucktails, Guards, and Balls,
And when I’m troubled with the blues
Damn Clinton and abuse cards:
Then, Fortune, since I ask no prize,
At least preserve me from thy frown!
The man who don’t attempt to rise
’Twere cruelty to tumble down.
 Albert Gorton Greene also wrote in the manner of his English
forebears, indeed, his Old Grimes is quite in line with Tom Hood or
Goldsmith.
OLD CHIMES
Old Grimes is dead; that good old man
We never shall see more:
He used to wear a long, black coat,
All buttoned down before.

His heart was open as the day,

His feelings all were true;
His hair was some inclined to gray—
He wore it in a queue.

Whene’er he heard the voice of pain,

His breast with pity burn’d;
The large, round head upon his cane
From ivory was turn’d.

Kind words he ever had for all;

He knew no base design:
His eyes were dark and rather small,
His nose was aquiline.

He lived at peace with all mankind.

In friendship he was true:
His coat had pocket-holes behind,
His pantaloons were blue.

Unharm’d, the sin which earth pollutes

He pass’d securely o’er,
And never wore a pair of boots
For thirty years or more.

But good old Grimes is now at rest,

Nor fears misfortune’s frown:
He wore a double-breasted vest—
The stripes ran up and down.

He modest merit sought to find,

And pay it its desert:
He had no malice in his mind,
 No ruffles on his shirt.

His neighbors he did not abuse—

Was sociable and gay:
He wore large buckles on his shoes
And changed them every day.

His knowledge, hid from public gaze,

He did not bring to view,
Nor made a noise, town-meeting days,
As many people do.

His worldly goods he never threw

In trust to fortune’s chances,
But lived (as all his brothers do)
In easy circumstances.

Thus undisturb’d by anxious cares,

His peaceful moments ran;
And everybody said he was
A fine old gentleman.

Ralph Waldo Emerson is seldom humorous or even in lighter vein.

His Fable about the squirrel shows a graceful wit.
FABLE
The mountain and the squirrel
Had a quarrel,
And the former called the latter “Little Prig”;
Bun replied,
“You are doubtless very big;
But all sorts of things and weather
Must be taken in together,
To make up a year
And a sphere,
And I think it no disgrace
To occupy my place.
If I’m not so large as you,
You are not so small as I,
And not half so spry.
I’ll not deny you make
A very pretty squirrel track;
Talents differ; all is well and wisely put;
If I cannot carry forests on my back,
Neither can you crack a nut.”

Nathaniel Parker Willis was a popular writer of society satire in

both prose and verse.
LOVE IN A COTTAGE
They may talk of love in a cottage,
And bowers of trellised vine—
Of nature bewitchingly simple,
And milkmaids half-divine;
They may talk of the pleasure of sleeping
In the shade of a spreading tree,
And a walk in the fields at morning,
By the side of a footstep free!

But give me a sly flirtation

By the light of a chandelier—
With music to play in the pauses,
And nobody very near;
Or a seat on a silken sofa,
With a glass of pure old wine,
And mama too blind to discover
The small white hand in mine.

Your love in a cottage is hungry,

Your vine is a nest for flies—
Your milkmaid shocks the Graces,
And simplicity talks of pies!
You lie down to your shady slumber
And wake with a bug in your ear,
And your damsel that walks in the morning
Is shod like a mountaineer.

True love is at home on a carpet,

And mightily likes his ease—
And true love has an eye for a dinner,
And starves beneath shady trees.
His wing is the fan of a lady.
His foot’s an invisible thing,
And his arrow is tipp’d with a jewel
And shot from a silver string.
 Seba Smith, among the first to break away from English traditions,
wrote over the pen name of Major Jack Downing. He was a pioneer
in the matter of dialect writing and the first to poke fun at New
England speech and manners.
Follows a part of his skit called

MY FIRST VISIT TO PORTLAND

After I had walked about three or four hours, I come along

towards the upper end of the town, where I found there were stores
and shops of all sorts and sizes. And I met a feller, and says I,—
“What place is this?”
“Why, this,” says he, “is Huckler’s Row.”
“What!” says I, “are these the stores where the traders in
Huckler’s Row keep?”
And says he, “Yes.”
“Well, then,” says I to myself, “I have a pesky good mind to go in
and have a try with one of these chaps, and see if they can twist my
eye-teeth out. If they can get the best end of a bargain out of me,
they can do what there ain’t a man in our place can do; and I should
just like to know what sort of stuff these ’ere Portland chaps are
made of.” So in I goes into the best-looking store among ’em. And I
see some biscuit lying on the shelf, and says I,—
“Mister, how much do you ax apiece for them ’ere biscuits?”
“A cent apiece,” says he.
“Well,” says I, “I shan’t give you that, but, if you’ve a mind to, I’ll
give you two cents for three of them, for I begin to feel a little as
though I would like to take a bite.”
“Well,” says he, “I wouldn’t sell ’em to anybody else so, but,
seeing it’s you, I don’t care if you take ’em.”
I knew he lied, for he never seen me before in his life. Well, he
handed down the biscuits, and I took ’em, and walked round the
store awhile, to see what else he had to sell. At last says I,—
 “Mister, have you got any good cider?”
Says he, “Yes, as good as ever ye see.”
“Well,” says I, “what do you ax a glass for it?”
“Two cents,” says he.
“Well,” says I, “seems to me I feel more dry than I do hungry now.
Ain’t you a mind to take these ’ere biscuits again and give me a
glass of cider?” and says he:
“I don’t care if I do.”
So he took and laid ’em on the shelf again and poured out a glass
of cider. I took the glass of cider and drinkt it down and, to tell you
the truth about it, it was capital good cider Then says I:
“I guess it’s about time for me to be a-going,” and so I stept along
toward the door; but he ups and says, says he:
“Stop, mister, I believe you haven’t paid me for the cider.’
“Not paid you for the cider!” says I; “what do you mean by that?
Didn’t the biscuits that I give you just come to the cider?”
“Oh, ah, right!” says he.
So I started to go again, but before I had reached the door he
says, says he:
“But stop, mister, you didn’t pay me for the biscuit.”
“What!” says I, “do you mean to impose upon me? Do you think I
am going to pay you for the biscuits, and let you keep them, too?
Ain’t they there now on your shelf? What more do you want? I guess,
sir, you don’t whittle me in that way.”
So I turned about and marched off and left the feller staring and
scratching his head as tho’ he was struck with a dunderment.
Howsomeever, I didn’t want to cheat him, only jest to show ’em it
wa’n’t so easy a matter to pull my eye-teeth out; so I called in next
day and paid him two cents.
 And now humor began to creep into the newspapers, and it came
about that American humorists, almost without exception, have been
newspaper men.
Following Seba Smith’s plan each author created a character,
usually of homely type, and through him as a mouthpiece gave to the
world his own wit and wisdom.
Mrs. Frances Miriam Whitcher wrote the Widow Bedott papers,
and Frederick Swartout Cozzens the Sparrowgrass Papers, but best
known today is the Mrs. Partington, the American Mrs. Malaprop,
created by Benjamin Penhallow Shillaber.

AFTER A WEDDING

“I like to tend weddings,” said Mrs. Partington, as she came back

from a neighboring church where one had been celebrated, and
hung up her shawl, and replaced the black bonnet in her long-
preserved band-box. “I like to see young people come together with
the promise to love, cherish, and nourish each other. But it is a
solemn thing, is matrimony—a very solemn thing—where the
pasture comes into the chancery, with his surplus on, and goes
through with the cerement of making ’em man and wife. It ought to
be husband and wife; for it ain’t every husband that turns out a man.
I declare I shall never forget how I felt when I had the nuptial ring put
on to my finger, when Paul said, ‘With my goods I thee endow.’ He
used to keep a dry-goods store then, and I thought he was going to
give me all there was in it. I was young and simple, and didn’t know
till arterwards that it only meant one calico gound in a year. It is a
lovely sight to see the young people plighting their trough, and
coming up to consume their vows.”
She bustled about and got tea ready, but abstractedly she put on
the broken teapot, that had lain away unused since Paul was alive,
and the teacups, mended with putty, and dark with age, as if the idea
had conjured the ghost of past enjoyment to dwell for the moment in
the home of present widowhood.
A young lady, who expected to be married on Thanksgiving night,
wept copiously at her remarks, but kept on hemming the veil that
was to adorn her brideship, and Ike sat pulling bristles out of the
hearth-brush in expressive silence.
Yet not all the wits of the day were newspaper men, for Oliver
Wendell Holmes left his essays and novels now and then to give his
native humor full play.
The “Deacon’s Masterpiece,” often called “The One Hoss Shay” is
a classic, and many short poems are among our best witty verses,
while Holmes’ genial humor pervades his Breakfast Table books.
THE HEIGHT OF THE RIDICULOUS
I wrote some lines once on a time,
In wondrous merry mood,
And thought, as usual, men would say
They were exceeding good.

They were so queer, so very queer,

I laughed as I would die;
Albeit, in the general way,
A sober man am I.

I called my servant, and he came;

How kind it was of him,
To mind a slender man like me,
He of the mighty limb!

“These to the printer,” I exclaimed,

And, in my humorous way,
I added (as a trifling jest),
“There’ll be the devil to pay.”

He took the paper, and I watched,

And saw him peep within;
At the first line he read, his face
Was all upon the grin.

He read the next: the grin grew broad,

And shot from ear to ear;
He read the third: a chuckling noise
I now began to hear.

The fourth: he broke into a roar;

 The fifth: his waistband split;
The sixth: he burst five buttons off,
And tumbled in a fit.

Ten days and nights, with sleepless eye,

I watched that wretched man,
And since, I never dare to write
As funny as I can.

ÆSTIVATION
In candent ire the solar splendor flames;
The foles, languescent, pend from arid rames;
His humid front the cive, anheling, wipes,
And dreams of erring on ventiferous ripes.

How dulce to vive occult to mortal eyes,

Dorm on the herb with none to supervise,
Carp the suave berries from the crescent vine,
And bibe the flow from longicaudate kine.

To me also, no verdurous visions come

Save you exiguous pool’s confervascum,—
No concave vast repeats the tender hue
That laves my milk-jug with celestial blue.

Me wretched! Let me curr to quercine shades!

Effund your albid hausts, lactiferous maids!
Oh, might I vole to some umbrageous chump,—
Depart,—be off,—excede,—evade,—erump!

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow is charged with the perpetration of

certain nonsense verses. His authorship of these has been stoutly
denied as well as positively asseverated.
The two poems in question are appended, and if Longfellow did
write them they are in no wise to his discredit.
THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL
There was a little girl,
And she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good
She was very, very good,
 And when she was bad she was horrid.

One day she went upstairs,

When her parents, unawares,
In the kitchen were occupied with meals
And she stood upon her head
In her little trundle-bed,
And then began hooraying with her heels.

Her mother heard the noise,

And she thought it was the boys
A-playing at a combat in the attic;
But when she climbed the stair,
And found Jemima there,
She took and she did spank her most emphatic.

MR. FINNEY’S TURNIP

Mr. Finney had a turnip
And it grew and it grew;
And it grew behind the barn,
And that turnip did no harm.

There it grew and it grew

Till it could grow no taller;
Then his daughter Lizzie picked it
And put it in the cellar.

There it lay and it lay

Till it began to rot;
And his daughter Susie took it
And put it in the pot.

And they boiled it and boiled it

As long as they were able,
And then his daughters took it
And put it on the table.

Mr. Finney and his wife

They sat down to sup;
And they ate and they ate
And they ate that turnip up.
 James Thomas Fields, an acknowledged humorist, wrote mostly
homely narrative wit.
THE ALARMED SKIPPER
Many a long, long year ago,
Nantucket skippers had a plan
Of finding out, though “lying low,”
How near New York their schooners ran.

They greased the lead before it fell,

And then, by sounding through the night,
Knowing the soil that stuck, so well,
They always guessed their reckoning right.

A skipper gray, whose eyes were dim,

Could tell, by tasting, just the spot;
And so below he’d “dowse the glim,”—
After, of course, his “something hot.”

Snug in his berth at eight o’clock

This ancient skipper might be found;
No matter how his craft would rock,
He slept,—for skippers’ naps are sound!

The watch on deck would now and then

Run down and wake him, with the lead;
He’d up, and taste, and tell the men
How many miles they went ahead.

One night ’twas Jotham Marden’s watch,

A curious wag,—the peddler’s son,—
And so he mused (the wanton wretch),
“To-night I’ll have a grain of fun.

“We’re all a set of stupid fools

To think the skipper knows by tasting
What ground he’s on: Nantucket schools
Don’t teach such stuff, with all their basting!”

And so he took the well-greased lead

And rubbed it o’er a box of earth
That stood on deck,—a parsnip-bed,—
And then he sought the skipper’s berth.
“Where are we now, sir? Please to taste.”
The skipper yawned, put out his tongue,
Then oped his eyes in wondrous haste,
And then upon the floor he sprung!

The skipper stormed, and tore his hair,

Thrust on his boots, and roared to Marden,
“Nantucket’s sunk, and here we are
Right over old Marm Hackett’s garden!”

John Godfrey Saxe has been called the American Tom Hood. His
verses are among our very best humorous poems.
MY FAMILIAR
Again I hear that creaking step!—
He’s rapping at the door!—
Too well I know the boding sound
That ushers in a bore.
I do not tremble when I meet
The stoutest of my foes,
But heaven defend me from the friend
Who comes,—but never goes!

He drops into my easy-chair

And asks about the news;
He peers into my manuscript,
And gives his candid views;
He tells me where he likes the line,
And where he’s forced to grieve;
He takes the strangest liberties,—
But never takes his leave!

He reads my daily paper through

Before I’ve seen a word;
He scans the lyric (that I wrote)
And thinks it quite absurd;
He calmly smokes my last cigar,
And coolly asks for more;
He opens everything he sees—
Except the entry door!

He talks about his fragile health,

And tells me of his pains;
He suffers from a score of ills
Of which he ne’er complains;
And how he struggled once with death
To keep the fiend at bay;
On themes like those away he goes—
But never goes away!

He tells me of the carping words

Some shallow critic wrote;
And every precious paragraph
Familiarly can quote;
He thinks the writer did me wrong;
He’d like to run him through!
He says a thousand pleasant things—
But never says “Adieu!”

Whene’er he comes—that dreadful man—

Disguise it as I may,
I know that, like an autumn rain,
He’ll last throughout the day.
In vain I speak of urgent tasks;
In vain I scowl and pout;
A frown is no extinguisher—
It does not put him out!

I mean to take the knocker off,

Put crape upon the door,
Or hint to John that I am gone
To stay a month or more.
I do not tremble when I meet
The stoutest of my foes,
But Heaven defend me from the friend
Who never, never goes!

Henry Wheeler Shaw, creator of the character of Josh Billings,

was a philosopher and essayist as well as a funny man.
Doubtless his work has lived largely because of its amusing
misspelling, but there is much wisdom to be found in his wit.
The following essays are given only in part.

TIGHT BOOTS
 I would jist like to kno who the man waz who fust invented tite
boots.
He must hav bin a narrow and kontrakted kuss.
If he still lives, i hope he haz repented ov hiz sin, or iz enjoying
grate agony ov sum kind.
I hay bin in a grate menny tite spots in mi life, but generally could
manage to make them average; but thare iz no sich thing az making
a pair of tite boots average.
Enny man who kan wear a pair ov tite boots, and be humble, and
penitent, and not indulge profane literature, will make a good
husband.
Oh! for the pen ov departed Wm. Shakspear, to write an
anethema aginst tite boots, that would make anshunt Rome wake
up, and howl agin az she did once before on a previous ockashun.
Oh! for the strength ov Herkules, to tare into shu strings all the tite
boots ov creashun, and skatter them tew the 8 winds ov heaven.
Oh! for the buty ov Venus, tew make a bigg foot look hansum
without a tite boot on it.
Oh! for the payshunce ov Job, the Apostle, to nuss a tite boot and
bles it, and even pra for one a size smaller and more pinchfull.
Oh! for a pair of boots bigg enuff for the foot ov a mountain.
I have been led into the above assortment ov Oh’s! from having in
my posseshun, at this moment, a pair ov number nine boots, with a
pair ov number eleven feet in them.
Mi feet are az uneasy az a dog’s noze the fust time he wears a
muzzle.
I think mi feet will eventually choke the boots to deth.
I liv in hopes they will.
I suppozed i had lived long enuff not to be phooled agin in this
way, but i hav found out that an ounce ov vanity weighs more than a
pound ov reazon, espeshily when a man mistakes a bigg foot for a
small one.
Avoid tite boots, mi friend, az you would the grip of the devil; for
menny a man haz cought for life a fust rate habit for swareing bi
encouraging hiz feet to hurt hiz boots.
I hav promised mi two feet, at least a dozen ov times during mi
checkured life, that they never should be strangled agin, but i find
them to-day az phull ov pain az the stummuk ake from a suddin attak
ov tite boots.
But this iz solemly the last pair ov tite boots i will ever wear; i will
hereafter wear boots az bigg az mi feet, if i have to go barefoot to do
it.
I am too old and too respektable to be a phool enny more.
Eazy boots iz one of the luxurys ov life, but i forgit what the other
luxury iz, but i don’t kno az i care, provided i kan git rid ov this pair ov
tite boots.
Enny man kan hav them for seven dollars, just half what they
kost, and if they don’t make his feet ake wuss than an angle worm in
hot ashes, he needn’t pay for them.
Methuseles iz the only man, that i kan kall to mind now who could
hav afforded to hav wore tite boots, and enjoyed them, he had a
grate deal ov waste time tew be miserable in but life now days, iz too
short, and too full ov aktual bizzness to phool away enny ov it on tite
boots.
Tite boots are an insult to enny man’s understanding.
He who wears tite boots will hav too acknowledge the corn.
Tite boots hav no bowells or mersy, their insides are wrath and
promiskious cussing.
Beware ov tite boots.—

A HEN

A hen is a darn phool, they was born so bi natur.

 When natur undertakes tew make a phool, she hits the mark the
fust time.
Most all the animile kritters hav instinkt, which is wuth more to
them than reason would be, for instinkt don’t make enny blunders.
If the animiles had reason, they would akt just as ridikilus as we
men folks do.
But a hen don’t seem tew hav even instinkt, and was made
expressly for a phool.
I hav seen a hen fly out ov a good warm shelter, on the 15th ov
January, when the snow was 3 foot high, and lite on the top ov a
stun wall, and coolly set thare, and freeze tew deth.
Noboddy but a darn phool would do this, unless it was tew save a
bet.
I hav saw a human being do similar things, but they did it tew win
a bet.
To save a bet, is self-preservashun, and self-preservashun, is the
fust law ov natur, so sez Blakstone, and he is the best judge ov law
now living.
If i couldn’t be Josh Billings, i would like, next in suit tew be
Blakstone, and compoze sum law.
Not so far removed from the Josh Billings type of humor is the
work of James Russell Lowell. His well known Biglow Papers exploit
in perfection the back country New England politics as well as native
character.
WHAT MR. ROBINSON THINKS
Guvener B. is a sensible man;
He stays to his home an’ looks arter his folks;
He draws his furrer ez straight ez he can,
An’ into nobody’s tater-patch pokes;
But John P.
Robinson he
Sez he wunt vote fer Guvener B.
My ain’t it terrible? Wut shall we du?
We can’t never choose him, o’ course,—thet’s flat;
Guess we shall hev to come round (don’t you?)
An’ go in fer thunder an’ guns, an’ all that;
Fer John P.
Robinson he
Sez he wunt vote fer Guvener B.

Gineral C. is a dreffle smart man:

He’s ben on all sides thet give places or pelf;
But consistency still was a part of his plan,—
He’s ben true to one party,—an’ thet is himself;—
So John P.
Robinson he
Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C.

Gineral C. he goes in fer the war;

He don’t vally principle more’n an old cud;
Wut did God make us raytional creeturs fer,
But glory an’ gunpowder, plunder an’ blood?
So John P.
Robinson he
Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C.

We were gettin’ on nicely up here to our village,

With good old idees o’ wut’s right an’ wut ain’t,
We kind o’ thought Christ went agin’ war an’ pillage,
An’ thet eppyletts worn’t the best mark of a saint;
But John P.
Robinson he
Sez this kind o’ thing’s an exploded idee.

The side of our country must ollers be took,

An’ Presidunt Polk, you know, he is our country,
An’ the angel thet writes all our sins in a book
Puts the debit to him, an’ to us the per contry!
An’ John P.
Robinson he
Sez this is his view o’ the thing to a T.

Parson Wilbur he calls all these argimunts lies;

Sez they’re nothin’ on airth but jest fee, faw, fum;
An’ thet all this big talk of our destinies
Is half on it ign’ance, an’ t’other half rum;
 But John P.
Robinson he
Sez it ain’t no sech thing; an’, of course, so must we.

Parson Wilbur sez he never heerd in his life

Thet th’ Apostles rigged out in their swaller-tail coats,
An’ marched round in front of a drum an’ a fife,
To git some on ’em office, an’ some on ’em votes;
But John P.
Robinson he
Sez they didn’t know everythin’ down in Judee.

Wall, it’s a marcy we’ve gut folks to tell us

The rights an’ the wrongs o’ these matters, I vow,—
God sends country lawyers, an’ other wise fellers,
To start the world’s team wen it gits in a slough;
Fer John P.
Robinson he
Sez the world’ll go right, ef he hollers out Gee!

Phoebe Cary, though a hymn writer of repute, did some extremely

clever parodies. This work of hers is little known.
I REMEMBER
I remember, I remember,
The house where I was wed,
And the little room from which that night
My smiling bride was led.
She didn’t come a wink too soon,
Nor make too long a stay;
But now I often wish her folks
Had kept the girl away!

I remember, I remember,
Her dresses, red and white,
Her bonnets and her caps and cloaks,—
They cost an awful sight!
The “corner lot” on which I built,
And where my brother met
At first my wife, one washing-day,—
That man is single yet!

I remember, I remember,