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CONTENTS
Change within Continuity and Uniqueness within
Human Intimacy in the
1
Commonality 38
Brave New World of HIGHLIGHT: The Family Riddle 39
HIGHLIGHT: Tricky Statistics: Cohabitation and
Family Diversity 1 Rejection of Marriage 40
Building Successful Relationships 2 Family: A Buffer against Mental
Qualities of Strong and Resilient Families: and Physical Illnesses 41
An Overview 5 The Need for Intimacy 42
Can We Study Intimacy? 9 HIGHLIGHT: Why Do We Avoid Intimacy? 43
Optimism versus Pessimism 10 The Family as Interpreter of Society 45
Making Decisions That Lead Unique Characteristics
to a Fulfilling Life 11 of the American Family 46
Logic and Emotion in Decision Making 12 HIGHLIGHT: What the Research Says 47
Decision-Making Steps 13 Family: The Consuming Unit of the American
The Gift of Choosing 16 Economy 47
Theoretical Approaches to Family Study 16 American Families: A Great Diversity
of Types 48
Methods of Study 19
African American Families 51
The Experiment 19
Hispanic Families 51
The Survey 20
Asian American Families 52
The Clinical Method 21
The American Indian and Alaska
HIGHLIGHT: Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Watson, and
Native Population 53
Delinquency Data 22
DEBATE THE ISSUES: Should Our Society Recognize
Natural or Field Observation 22
Gay Marriages? 56
Group versus Individual Data 23
Strengthening the Family 23
2
Human Intimacy,
Relationships, Marriage, 3 American Ways
of Love 57
and the Family 27 The American Myth: Romantic Love Should
Always Lead to Marriage 59
Family: The Basic Unit of Human
Organization 28 Defining Love 60
Family Functions 30 HIGHLIGHT: Love Is … 61
The American Family: Many Structures and Much Theories of Love 62
Change 32 Romantic Love 65
FAMILIES AROUND THE WORLD: China: Families Infatuation 67
and Government Policy 36 Loving and Liking 67
vii
The Double Cross 68 HIGHLIGHT: Men as the Oppressed Sex 103
Love Is What You Make It 69 DEBATE THE ISSUES: Can We Create Gender-Neutral
WHAT RESEARCH TELLS US: Love and Children? 107
Friendship 70
Love in Strong Families: Appreciation and Communications
Respect 72
HIGHLIGHT: Gender Differences in Love
Learning to Love 74
Actions and Attitudes 74
73
5 in Intimate
Relationships 109
Developmental Stages in Learning to Love 75 Good Communication: A Basic Strength of
Successful Families 111
Love over Time: From Passionate to
Companionate Love 77 Communication Failure: An Indicator of
Relationship Problems 114
HIGHLIGHT: Love and the Loss of One’s Self-
Identity 79 Aversive Communication 114
Love’s Oft-Found Companion: Jealousy 79 Communication Can Be Used for Good
and Bad Purposes 115
DEBATE THE ISSUES: Are Love and Marriage Good
for You? 83 The Foundation Blocks
of Successful Communication 116
Commitment 116
4
Growth Orientation 116
Gender Convergence Noncoercive Atmosphere 117
Developing a Smooth Flow
and Role Equity 85 of Communication 118
Male = Masculine and Female = Feminine: Communication Skills 119
Not Necessarily So 86 Identifying Problem Ownership 119
Norms and Roles 87 Self-Assertion 120
How Sex and Gender Identity Develop 88 MAKING DECISIONS: You-, I-, and We-
Biological Contributions 88 Statements 122
Environmental Contributions 89 Empathic Listening 123
HIGHLIGHT: The Xanith of Oman 90 Negotiating 126
Gender Differences 90 Problem Solving 127
Role Equity 91 Men and Women: Do They Speak the Same
WHAT RESEARCH TELLS US: Stereotypical Sex- Language? 128
Role Differences Compared with Research HIGHLIGHT: How Men and Women Can
Findings 92 Communicate Better in Intimate
Traditional Gender Roles 94 Relationships 130
Changing Male and Female Roles 95 Communication and Family Conflict 130
Women and the Law 96 Anger 133
HIGHLIGHT: “Firsts” for Women in the Past Three Over What Topics Do Couples Conflict? 133
Decades 97 Personal Relationships in the
FAMILIES AROUND THE WORLD: The Dani of Irian Jaya Information Age 134
(Indonesian New Guinea) 98 Social Networking Sites 135
Gender-Role Stereotypes 100 DEBATE THE ISSUES: Is Honesty Always the Best
The Movement toward Gender Equality 102 Policy? 138
viii | Contents
DEBATE THE ISSUES: Does Sex Education Prevent
6
Pregnancy or Encourage Promiscuity? 173
Dating, Single Life, and
Mate Selection 141 Marriage, Intimacy,
Premarital American Dating 142
Expectations, and
Why Do We Date? 143
Premarital Dating Patterns 144
College Dating: Hanging Out, Hooking Up,
Joined at the Hip 145
7 the Fully Functioning
Person 175
Dating and Extended Singleness 147 Marriage Matters 176
WHAT RESEARCH TELLS US: Women The Transition from Single
and Singleness 148 to Married Life 177
WHAT RESEARCH TELLS US: Singles Marriage: A Myriad of Interactions 179
in America 149 Fulfilling Needs in Marriage 181
Changing Sexual Mores 149 FAMILIES AROUND THE WORLD: Marriage
Deciding for Yourself 152 in Japan 182
Freedom of Choice and Sexual Health 153 HIGHLIGHT: Religion and Marriage 184
Possible Problems Associated with Premarital Defining Marital Success 184
Sexual Relations 153 Strong Relationships and Families 185
HIGHLIGHT: Dawn and Nonmarital HIGHLIGHT: A Hectic Schedule 186
Pregnancy 154 Marital Expectations 188
MAKING DECISIONS: Is My Sexual Behavior HIGHLIGHT: Carol: The Perpetual Seeker 189
Healthy? 155 The Honeymoon Is Over: Too High
Date Rape and Courtship Violence 156 Expectations 189
Cohabitation: Unmarried-Couple Romantic Love or Marriage? 190
Households 158 Differing Expectations 191
The Nature of Cohabiting Relationships 159 Eighty Percent I Love You; Twenty Percent
Is the Woman Exploited in I Dislike You 192
Cohabitation? 159 The Expectation of Commitment: A Characteristic
The Relationship between Cohabitation of Strong and Successful Families 192
and Marriage 160 HIGHLIGHT: Carl and Allison: The Perfect
WHAT RESEARCH TELLS US: Children Couple 193
and Cohabitation 163 The Expectation of Primariness: Extramarital
Breaking Up 163 Relations 195
Living Together and the Law 164 The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy 197
Finding the One and Only: MAKING DECISIONS: Online Infidelity—Is it Really
Mate Selection 164 Cheating? 198
Background Factors 166 The Self-Actualized Person in the Fully
Interactional Processes 166 Functioning Family 199
From First Impressions to Engagement 168 Characteristics of Mental Health 199
Engagement 170 Self-Actualization 200
Types of Engagements 170 Living in the Now 201
Functions of Engagement 171 The Goals of Intimacy 201
Contents | ix
You and the State: Legal Aspects Sexually Transmitted Diseases 233
of Marriage 203 DEBATE THE ISSUES: Pornography 237
HIGHLIGHT: Navajo Marital Expectations 205
Writing Your Own Marriage Contract and
Prenuptial Agreement 205
Family Planning,
9
MAKING DECISIONS: The Couple’s Inventory 206
DEBATE THE ISSUES: Is Marriage a Dying Pregnancy, and
Institution? 208
Birth 239
Children by Choice 240
Are We Ready for Children? 241
8 Human
Sexuality 209
Children Having Children
Family Planning Decisions
Deciding on a Contraceptive
242
245
246
MAKING DECISIONS: Sex Knowledge Abortion 247
Inventory 211 WHAT RESEARCH TELLS US: Who Has
The Uniqueness of Human Sexuality 212 Abortions? 248
HIGHLIGHT: The Sambians of Papua 213 Infertility 251
Changing Sexual Mores 214 Prerequisites of Fertility 251
Modifying Sexual Behavior 215 Causes of Infertility 252
HIGHLIGHT: “What Role Should Sex Play in My MAKING DECISIONS: How Old Is Too Old? 253
Life?” Beth-Ann Asks 216 Methods of Treatment: Designing Babies 253
Differences between Male HIGHLIGHT: The Ultimate Breakthrough 259
and Female Sexuality 217 HIGHLIGHT: Who, in Fact, Are the Parents
HIGHLIGHT: A Precoital Contract 218 of Jaycee? 260
Physiology of the Sexual Response 220 Pregnancy 261
Female Sexual Response 220 Pregnancy Tests 261
HIGHLIGHT: Female Genital Mutilation 221 HIGHLIGHT: Am I Really Pregnant? 262
MAKING DECISIONS: What Are Your Biggest Environmental Causes of Congenital
Problems and Complaints about Sex? 222 Problems 265
HIGHLIGHT: Describing Orgasm 223 Controlling Birth Defects 267
Male Sexual Response 223 Birth 268
Variations in Sexual Response 224 HIGHLIGHT: Infant Mortality Rates 269
Some Myths Unmasked 224 Cesarean Birth 269
Does Sexual Addiction Exist? 225 Birth Pain 270
Marital Sex: Can I Keep the Excitement Natural Childbirth 270
Alive? 226 Rooming-In 271
HIGHLIGHT: One Husband’s Sexual Life 227 Alternative Birth Centers 272
HIGHLIGHT: Sex and Physical Disability 228 Home Births 272
Sex and the Aging Process 229 Postpartum Emotional Changes 273
Menopause 230 DEBATE THE ISSUES: To Clone or Not to
Sex and Drugs 232 Clone 275
x | Contents
Family Life Stages:
10 The Challenge of
Parenthood 277
11 Middle Age to Surviving
Spouse 319
What Effects Do Children WHAT RESEARCH TELLS US: Increasing Life
Have on a Marriage? 279 Expectancy 321
HIGHLIGHT: The Highs and Lows of Dealing with Change: Another Characteristic of
Parenthood 283 the Strong, Healthy Family 321
Traditionalization of the Marital The Graying of America 322
Relationship 284 Middle Age: The Empty Nest 323
Parental Effectiveness 284 HIGHLIGHT: How a Highly Trained Engineer Became
HIGHLIGHT: Diversity in Child-Rearing Values and a Bicycle-Repair Man 324
Practices 287 The Sandwich Generation: Caught in the
The Father’s Role in Parenting 289 Middle 325
Television, Video Games, and the Internet as Retirement 329
Surrogate Parents 292 Widowhood as the Last Stage
Child Rearing, Discipline, and Control 296 of Marriage 333
Spanking 297 HIGHLIGHT: Doctor’s Wife 335
MAKING DECISIONS: Using Discipline and The Adjustment Process and Remarriage 335
Punishment Effectively 298 HIGHLIGHT: Remarriage after the Loss of a
The Growing Child in the Family 299 Spouse 337
Infancy: The First Year 300 The Grandparenting Role 337
The Toddler: 2 to 3 Years of Age 302 HIGHLIGHT: Death of a Young Wife: A Young Father
Early Childhood: 4 to 5 Years of Age 302 Alone 338
School Age: 6 to 11 Years of Age 303 HIGHLIGHT: Becoming Parents Again after Your
Puberty-Adolescence: 12 to 18 Years of Children Are Raised 341
Age 303 Older but Coming on Strong 342
HIGHLIGHT: Cell Phones—Don’t Call Me, DEBATE THE ISSUES: Should Physicians Help
I’ll Call You 304 Terminally Ill Patients Commit Suicide? 344
HIGHLIGHT: Adolescent Hormones and Brain
Functioning 304
The Importance of
HIGHLIGHT: Oh No, John Is Back Home
Again 306
The Young Adult: 19 to 30 Years of Age
WHAT RESEARCH TELLS US: Young Adults Living with
306
12 Making Sound Economic
Decisions 347
Parents 307 WHAT RESEARCH TELLS US: GNI per Capita in Various
Broader Parenting 307 Countries 350
Parents without Pregnancy: Adoption 308 WHAT RESEARCH TELLS US: Median Income of
Households and Families 350
The Single-Parent Family 311
Slowly Drowning in a Sea of Debt 352
HIGHLIGHT: Father Absence in African American
Homes 312 WHAT RESEARCH TELLS US: Is College Worth It? 353
DEBATE THE ISSUES: Should Parents Stay Home to WHAT RESEARCH TELLS US: How Much Do Americans
Rear Their Children? 316 Owe? 354
Contents | xi
MAKING DECISIONS: Compare Your Attitudes about Job Opportunities for Women 386
Money 355 Pay Differentials between Men
Making Good Credit, Borrowing, and Installment- and Women 388
Buying Decisions 355 Making the Decision to Become
Discount Interest: Consumer Purchases 356 a Two-Earner Family 391
Simple Interest: Home Loans 357 The Employed Wife’s Economic Contribution
Financial Problems and Marital Strain 358 to the Family 392
The Seductive Society: Credit and Community Service and the Employed Wife 394
Advertising 359 Household Activities and Supermothers 394
Effective Money Management 360
Deciding in Favor of Part-Time Work 397
To Pool or Not to Pool Family Money? 361
Child Care and Parental Leave 398
Allocation of Funds: Who Makes the Spending
Stay-at-Home Moms 400
Decisions? 362
Budgeting: Enlightened Control of Spending 362 Employers, Pregnant Employees,
and Employed Mothers 401
MAKING DECISIONS: How to Budget Your
Income 363 Home-Based Work 403
Saving through Wise Spending 364 Marital Satisfaction
MAKING DECISIONS: Budget Worksheet 365 in the Two-Earner Family 404
The Economy and Black, Hispanic, Asian Work and Family: Sources of Conflict 405
American, and Single-Parent Families 367 Jobs, Occupations, and Careers 408
Inflation and Recession 368 Dual-Career Families 408
Inflation 368 Commuter Marriage and/or the Weekend
FAMILIES AROUND THE WORLD: Mexico: The Middle- Family 408
Class Family 370 DEBATE THE ISSUES: Is Sexual Harassment in the
Periods of Reduced Inflation and Mild Workplace Pervasive? 411
Recession 372
Deciding What Insurance Is Needed 373
Medical Insurance 373
14
Automobile Insurance 373
Home Owner’s Insurance 373
Life Insurance 374
Deciding to Buy a Home 374 Family Crises 413
The Decision to Invest 376 Coping with Crises 414
HIGHLIGHT: You Can Still Make a Million HIGHLIGHT: Types of Stressor Events 415
Dollars 378
Stress: Healthy and Unhealthy 415
DEBATE THE ISSUES: Credit: Is Credit The Way to
Crisis Management 419
Economic Freedom? 381
HIGHLIGHT: Agencies That Can Help with Various
Crises 420
The Dual-Earner Family: Defense Mechanisms 420
13 The Real American

Revolution 383
Death in the Family
Natural Causes
Ambiguous Loss
422
422
422
Women and the Economy 384 Suicide and Homicide 423
WHAT RESEARCH TELLS US: Women in the Firearm Mortality 426
Workforce 385 Grief and Bereavement 426
xii | Contents
Accidents, Injuries, and Children and Divorce 463
Catastrophic Illness 428 Types of Child Custody 465
MAKING DECISIONS: The Case of the Weinstein WHAT RESEARCH TELLS US: The Children of
Family 429 Divorce 466
Family Violence 430 Learning to Coparent 468
Violence between Partners 430 HIGHLIGHT: Divorce and Dad 469
Child Abuse 431 Divorce: The Legalities 469
Sibling Abuse 433 Some Cautions about No-Fault Divorce 472
Peer Abuse 433 Divorce Counseling and Mediation 473
HIGHLIGHT: Repressed Memories of Reducing Divorce Rates 474
Incest 434 Divorce May Not Be the Answer 475
Parental Abuse by Children 435 DEBATE THE ISSUES: Should Couples Stay Together
Factors Associated with Family for the Sake of the Children? 480
Violence 435
Poverty and Unemployment 436
Children and Poverty 438
Remarriage: A
The Military Family in the Time of War
Drug and Alcohol Abuse
Drugs and Drug Abuse
Alcohol 442
441
441
439
16 Growing Way of
American Life 481
DEBATE THE ISSUES: Should Drugs Be Returning to Single Life 484

Legalized? 447 Cohabitation as a Courtship Step to
Remarriage 486
Remarriage: Will I Make
the Same Mistakes Again? 486
HIGHLIGHT: Bob, Carol, Ted, and Alice 488
15 The Dissolution of
Marriage 449
Family Law and Stepfamilies
Child-Support Obligations
490
491
Custody and Visitation of Stepchildren 491
Let No One Put Asunder 450 His, Hers, and Ours: The Stepfamily 492
WHAT RESEARCH TELLS US: Divorce Facts 451 HIGHLIGHT: How to Ruin a Remarriage 495
Reasons for America’s HIGHLIGHT: The Ten Commandments of
High Divorce Rate 452 Stepparenting 496
Emotional Divorce and the Emotions of Weekend Visits of the Noncustodial Child 496
Divorce 454 Dealing with Sexuality in the Stepfamily 498
HIGHLIGHT: Not One Divorce but Six 456 HIGHLIGHT: How Much Closer Can We Get? 499
HIGHLIGHT: Divorce: Constant Self- The New Extended Family 499
Questioning 457 Building Stepfamily Strengths 500
Divorce but Not the End The Prenuptial Agreement 501
of the Relationship 458 Mediation to Settle Conflicts
MAKING DECISIONS: What Changes Must Be Made and Other Prevention Programs 501
with Divorce? 459 DEBATE THE ISSUES: Fatherless America: Can
Problems of the Newly Divorced 459 a Stepfather Take the Place of a Biological
Economic Consequences 460 Father? 504
Contents | xiii
HIGHLIGHT: Marriage Encounter 520
Actively Seeking
17
Marriage with Purpose:
Marital Growth and Effective Management 521
In the Future, the Family
Fulfillment 507 Will Remain and Diversify 523
“And They Lived Happily Ever After” 509
HIGHLIGHT: Economic Success, Marital APPENDIX A Sexually Transmitted
Failure 511
HIGHLIGHT: Self-Improvement, Marital
Diseases 527
Failure 512 APPENDIX B Contraceptive
Marriage Improvement Programs 513 Methods 537
Guidelines for Choosing Marriage
Improvement Programs 515 Glossary 545
HIGHLIGHT: A Family Life Enrichment
References 549
Weekend 517
Author Index 583
An Ounce of Prevention Is Worth a Pound
of Cure: Marriage Enrichment 518 Subject Index 595
xiv | Contents
PREFACE
Marriage and family seem, on the surface, to be simple age-old concepts. Yet, argu-
ments rage over how to define family:
● Are an unmarried single mother and her child a family?
● Should two men or two women be able to marry and create a family?
● Can a number of people in an intimate commune setting be defined as a family?
● Using an anonymous sperm donor, an egg donor, and a surrogate mother to
carry the fertilized egg to birth creates a family, but to whom does the child
really belong?
Everyone seems to support “family values,” but there is little agreement on what,
when, how, and to whom such support should be given. Most Americans believe in
family values but are quick to criticize others whom they feel do not share their own
particular definition of family.
As readers of past editions of Human Intimacy know, your authors focus on prin-
ciples that lead to successful intimate relationships, regardless of what your definition
of a family may be. Human Intimacy presents an optimistic view of the American
family, concentrating on those strengths that research has found in all successful inti-
mate relationships.
Even when the family is afloat in stormy seas and seems to be foundering, mar-
riage and family remain the basic building blocks of a strong society. Almost all of
us grow up in families, and 90 percent of us will be a marriage partner at some time
in our lives. Although some people worry that the percentage of Americans marry-
ing is dropping (and it is), if we add cohabitation figures to marriage figures we find
that intimate relationships are still sought by the vast majority of Americans. Why?
Because it is within the intimate love relationship we call family that individuals most
often find a sense of sharing, a sense of well-being, a sense of security, a sense of ful-
fillment, and, perhaps above all, a meaning to one’s life.
It is important to stress those characteristics of intimate relationships that help
reinforce the strength and resiliency of the marital relationship and the family. Fami-
lies tend to get into trouble because members are unwilling to make the effort to
nourish and enrich their family relationships. By emphasizing ways by which rela-
tionships can be improved, Human Intimacy encourages readers to make the effort to
build strong, satisfying intimate relationships.
It is the author’s hope that Human Intimacy will contribute to the reader’s ability to
make intelligent, satisfying choices about intimate relationships. Individuals who can
make such choices in their lives are most apt to feel fulfilled. And fulfilled people have the
best chance of making their intimate relationships, their family relationships, exciting and
growth producing. Fulfilled people are also more likely to contribute to society at large,
thus making the general community a better place in which to live.
xv
New to This Edition
The marriage and family field is complex and ever changing. Relationships do not
occur in a vacuum; they are embedded in a context of laws, economics, values,
norms, race, and myriad other cultural and social factors. Thus, it is important to
keep up with changes in all these areas and their connections to marriage and family
relationships. This Eleventh Edition includes new, updated material on some of the
most relevant marriage and family related issues and events.
● Chapter 1 (Human Intimacy in the Brave New World of Family Diversity)
includes new data for marriage rates and birth rates by race. Feminism is added
as a perspective in the section on conflict theory.
● Chapter 2 (Human Intimacy, Relationships, Marriage, and the Family) adds
recent data on the characteristics of single families, cohabitation rates, social and
demographic characteristics of families by race, and same-sex marriage laws.
● Chapter 3 (American Ways of Love) includes new references on the benefits of
marriage, as well as new research on arranged marriages.
● Chapter 4 (Gender Convergence and Role Equity) includes new research on
the pressure men feel as they balance economic expectations with parenting
responsibilities and how parents influence gender role expectations for their
children.
● Chapter 5 (Communications in Intimate Relationships) adds research on
how people can learn new communication skills and how people expect
a conversation to end influences communication patterns. The demand–
withdraw pattern is added as a common communication problem. Also, a new
section on how social media influence communication is included in this chapter.
● Chapter 6 (Dating, Single Life, and Mate Selection) includes new research on
adolescent romance, hanging out, and hooking up. New research on the chang-
ing relationship between education and age at marriage is presented. Also,
recent declines in adolescent sexual activity are discussed. New data is included
on cohabitation rates, interracial marriages, and teenage pregnancy.
● Chapter 7 (Marriage, Intimacy, Expectations, and the Fully Functioning Person)
includes a new Highlight on religion and marriage, updated research on extra-
marital affairs, the benefits of family meal time, and a new Making Decisions
discussion of online infidelity.
● Chapter 8 (Human Sexuality) updates research on teen sexuality, teen birth
rates, abortion, sexually transmitted diseases, and pornography.
● Chapter 9 (Family Planning, Pregnancy, and Birth) includes an expanded discus-
sion of voluntary childlessness. New information on trends related to artificial
insemination and sperm donors has been added. And the data on global fertility
rates, teen fertility rates, multiple births, and abortion rates is updated.
● Chapter 10 (The Challenge of Parenthood) includes new discussions on rais-
ing children with special needs, the cumulative effects of family instability on
children, patterns of involvement for nonresident fathers, and sex in the media.
New and updated Highlights are included for the topics of children with cell
phones and African American fathers. Also, there is new data on children living
in single-parent households, fathers’ involvement in child care, adult children
living at home, spanking, the time children spend with media, and international
adoptions.
● Chapter 11 (Family Life Stages: Middle Age to Surviving Spouse) expands the
discussion of caring for aging parents to include the effect of women’s employ-
ment on caregiving, and reasons why people feel inclined to assist their parents.
Research on the discrepancy between daily life expectations and reality for older
xvi | Preface
Americans has been added. More recent data on life expectancy rates, house-
hold characteristics, living arrangements, and economic conditions for seniors
is included. And the section on the multifaceted role of grandparenting is
expanded.
● Chapter 12 (The Importance of Making Sound Economic Decisions) includes
new information on the Great Recession, financial struggles, and marital
conflict, and updated data on the global economy, median income and poverty
rates, labor market trends, consumer buying patterns, inflation statistics, and the
decline of home values. There is also a new discussion of student loan debt and
the economic value of a college degree.
● Chapter 13 (The Dual-Earner Family: The Real American Revolution) has
updates on economic and education trends for women, the gender income gap,
family-friendly employers, employment patterns for men and women, stay-at-
home moms and stay-at-home dads, child-care arrangements, flexible work
schedules, and trends in sexual harassment cases.
● Chapter 14 (Family Crises) includes the most recent data available on the cost
of health care and the Affordable Care Act. There are expanded discussions of
intimate partner violence and child abuse, and new sections on cyberbullying
and the effect of poverty on children’s behavior. Data on suicide rates, firearm
deaths, demographic characteristics of those without health insurance, child
abuse rates, drug and alcohol use by age, and poverty rates by race, sex, and
education have all been updated.
● Chapter 15 (The Dissolution of Marriage) has the latest divorce statistics and
research on the causes and consequences of divorce. New information on how
child custody arrangements are determined has been added. There also is a dis-
cussion of new initiatives to strengthen marriages and reduce the divorce rate.
● Chapter 16 (Remarriage: A Growing Way of American Life) includes new
research on the relationship patterns with stepparents and stepchildren and an
expanded discussion of how children affect remarriages.
● Chapter 17 (Actively Seeking Marital Growth and Fulfillment) includes an update
on the implementation and effectiveness of marriage initiatives across the country.
Distinctive Features
of Human Intimacy
Human Intimacy has several features designed to aid your reading and challenge you.
● Each chapter starts with an outline that gives you an overview of the material
to follow. This is followed by a series of thought-provoking questions for you to
ponder as you read the chapter.
● Highlight boxes supply interesting detail and add variety to the reading, much as
an aside adds variety to a lecture. What Research Tells Us is one type of highlight
that serves as a reminder of the quantity of scientific research underpinning our
knowledge about intimate relationships, marriage, and the family.
● Debate the Issues, featured at the end of each chapter, present both sides of con-
troversial topics. Taking a definitive stand on both sides of an issue helps make
discussions both lively and thought provoking.
● Families around the World help readers better understand the diversity of family life.
● What Do You Think? are critical thinking questions that appear throughout the
text to precipitate thought and discussion.
Preface | xvii
● Making Decisions boxes are short exercises designed to help you gain in-
sight into such topics as your attitudes toward love, marriage, the handling of
finances, and so on.
● Key terms are set in boldface and defined in the margin at the point of use as
well as in the glossary at the back of the book.
● A short summary concludes each chapter.
● Each chapter now includes web addresses for internet sites that provide addi-
tional information to the topics covered.
● Updated appendices investigating sexually transmitted diseases and contracep-
tion are included at the end of the book.
● The discussion of HIV/AIDS is in Appendix A, along with a discussion of other
sexually transmitted diseases. By placing it in an appendix, the instructor may
bring in a discussion of HIV/AIDS at any time he or she chooses rather than
having to discuss it when it appears in the chapter on sexuality.
● More emphasis was placed on weaving the positive characteristics of successful
families throughout the book.
Supplements
Human Intimacy: Marriage, the Family, and Its Meaning, Eleventh Edition is accom-
panied by a wide array of supplements prepared to create the best learning environ-
ment inside as well as outside the classroom for both the instructor and the student.
All the continuing supplements for Human Intimacy: Marriage, the Family, and Its
Meaning, Eleventh Edition, have been thoroughly revised and updated, and several
are new to this edition. We invite you to take full advantage of the teaching and learn-
ing tools available to you.
Supplements for the Instructor

eBank Instructor’s Manual with Test Bank Written by Kevin Demmitt of Clay-
ton State University, this supplement contains resources designed to streamline and
maximize the effectiveness of your course preparation, including learning objectives,
chapter lecture outlines, key terms and concepts, and class projects. The Instructor’s
Manual with Test Bank also includes 75–100 multiple-choice and 25 true-false ques-
tions for each chapter, all with answers and page references. There are also 10–15
short answer questions and 5–10 essay questions for each chapter.
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xviii | Preface
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Acknowledgments
As with all such undertakings, many more people than ourselves have contributed
to this book. Frank Cox would like to thank those whose contributions are the most
important—the many family members with whom he has interacted all his life: par-
ents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, siblings, cousins, and, of course, his immediate
family—Pamela, his wife; Randall and Linda and their children, Alexander, Brandon,
and Cameron; and Hans and Michelle and their children, Stephanie, Max, and Bella.
In addition, many fine researchers and writers have contributed to his thoughts.
Likewise, Kevin Demmitt would like to express his appreciation to those who
have contributed to his understanding and appreciation of what it means to be a fam-
ily. Audrey, his wife and partner in all things, is wonderfully present in each of their
three children, Andrew, Hannah, and Jacob, of whom he could not be more proud.
Kevin’s parents were models of living what they believed. He also appreciates the
blessing of being raised with four brothers, loving grandparents, and the memories of
a large extended family.
The following reviewers contributed feedback for the Eleventh Edition:
John Coggins, Purdue University North Central
Gary Gregory, Williams Baptist College
Kwaku Obosu-Mensah, Lorain County Community College
Josie Weis, Edukan/Barton County Community College
Elizabeth Wilson, Harding University
We also thank all the wonderful students who have passed through our classes. They
have made us think and grow and have let us know that the American family is alive
and well.
Although Human Intimacy has our names on it, the actual production of the book
rests with Mark Kerr, our editor; and Liana Sarkisian, the development editor who
helped guide the development of this revision. Once in production, the project was
skillfully guided by Michelle Clark.
We also want to thank those oft-forgotten production people who turn the final
manuscript into a beautiful book and place it in the hands of the many teachers and
students who use it. We are always grateful for your fine work and consider Human
Intimacy to be all our book.
Preface | xix
11thedition
Human Intimacy
CHAPTER
Human Intimacy in the Brave New World of
1 FAMILY DIVERSITY
CHAPTER OUTLINE
Building Successful Relationships
Qualities of Strong and Resilient Families:
An Overview
Can We Study Intimacy?
Making Decisions That Lead to a Fulﬁlling Life
Theoretical Approaches to Family Study
iStockphoto.com/Mary Gascho
Methods of Study
Strengthening the Family
1 | C H A P T E R 1 Human Intimacy in the Brave New World of Family Diversity
Could The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet or Leave It to Beaver
QUESTIONS middle-class, American family of the 1950s possibly have predicted

the current changes in reproduction? In that decade, the petri dish–
cultured, artificially inseminated, gene-altered, implanted egg; the
TO REFLECT UPON AS YOU surrogate mother–carried child; and, perhaps, the soon-to-be cloned
child were considered to be only science fiction possibilities.
READ THIS CHAPTER Could that ideal, middle-class American family of the 1950s pos-
sibly have envisioned and accepted the diversity of families in the
● Can you list several
twenty-first century—families comprising a stepparent or a parent
characteristics of a that is single, single adoptive, foster, or gay/lesbian; families that are
successful marriage African American, American Indian, Asian American, Hispanic, or
of mixed ethnicity or nationality; or any mix of the above?
and family? The popular buzzword in today’s sociological and psychological
● What are your own personal study of the American family is the term diversity. It is clear that
the American family is, indeed, diverse. Even experts in the field of
ideals about marriage and family study can no longer agree on a definition of family. Yet, the
family? idea of diversity (meaning differences) can be (and often is) taken to
● How do logic and emotion the politically correct extreme, which implies that any relationship
and every behavior is acceptable, that there are no standards, and
relate when making that there can be no criticism or judgment. Too often, emphasis on
successful decisions? diversity exaggerates differences.
Successful human relationships are built on similarities and on
● Can you suggest some
overcoming, rather than emphasizing, differences. To lay differences
things that we can do to aside, to minimize them, is a major step in resolving conflict. Of course,
strengthen the family? there are differences in any relationship, but discovering and empha-
sizing similarities leads to compromise and acceptance of differences.
In the broader sense, no society can remain vital or even survive
without a reasonable base of shared values. Emphasizing similarities,
rather than differences, within the general society helps to create a
foundation of shared values among the populace. Shared values form the glue that
holds a family, and perhaps more important, a society, together.
Amazing changes are undoubtedly taking place in both reproduction technology
and family functioning within the American population (Demo et al. 2000; Marks
2000; Smock and Greenland 2010; Stacey 2000). How, then, do Americans create inti-
mate, long-term relationships and families within this new, seemingly ever-changing
context? Can a child born via the new technologies into a family made up of diverse
individuals learn to create long-lasting intimacy? We believe that he/she can, and that
is the point of this marriage and family textbook.
Building Successful Relationships

Given one wish in life, most people would wish to be loved, to have
the capacity to reveal themselves entirely to another human being
and to be embraced, caressed, by that acceptance. People who have
successfully built an intimate relationship know its power and com-
fort. But they also know that taking the emotional risks that allow
intimate intimacy to happen isn’t easy. Built upon the sharing of feelings,
Experiencing intense intellectual, intimacy requires consummate trust. (Avery 1989, 27)
emotional, and, when appropriate,
physical communion with another Intimate relationships—what an exciting and important field of study! By intimate, we
human being mean experiencing intense intellectual, emotional, and (when appropriate) physical
communion with another human being. Communicating and caring. Boyfriend/
girlfriend. Husband/wife. Parent/child. Grandparent/grandchild. Family/friends.
These are the relationships that give meaning to life, the relationships that give us a
sense of identity, of well-being, of security, of being needed. These are the relationships
that ward off loneliness and insecurity, the relationships that allow us to love and be
loved. Perhaps, without intimacy, the human part of human being would disappear
and we’ d all simply be; we’ d become automatons similar to our home computers—
capable of solving problems and delivering information, but lacking in those mark-
edly human qualities of loving, caring, and compassion. In a phrase, we’ d lack the
characteristics that allow human beings to become intimate. Without intimacy there
is emotional isolation, and emotional isolation increases the risk of physical and emo-
tional disorders (P. Brown 1995, 135; Hawkley and Cacioppo 2010; Ladbrook 2000;
Wamboldt and Reiss 1989). Social ties of all kinds, but especially those of an intimate
nature, tend to support both physical and mental health (Bramlett and Mosher 2002).
The study of intimate relationships is both essential and exciting because we live in
a society where intimate relationships are important to social and emotional survival.
Modern society is fast-changing. Think of the speed of technological advancement
to which we all must adjust. Compare the freedom today to build an intimate love
relationship with the rigidity demanded of such relationships during Victorian times.
As personal freedom increases, the building of personal relationships becomes more
salient. Without rigid rules of the past governing relationships, the intimate relation-
ships an individual builds become the glue to hold marriages and families together
(Jamieson 1998, 1999, 218–219). On the other hand, intimate, long-lasting relation-
ships are more difficult to build without the rigid rules of the past. However, most
Americans continue to find intimacy and satisfaction within a creative and chang-
ing family, and most still spend the bulk of their lives within marriage and family
relationships. Therefore, we need to expend more energy on making marriages and
families viable and fulfilling, rather than simply criticizing the institution of marriage.
Yet, disparaging marriage and advocating alternatives to current practices is easy
and popular. Such criticisms tend to imply that marriage is a rigid relationship that
has passed relatively unchanged into our modern culture. In reality, marriage and the
family have undergone dramatic change and they continue to change as they adapt
to today’s world.
Changes in the family because of modernization have led some critics of marriage
to long for the good old days. This suggests that there was some lost, golden age of
the family such as in TV’s The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet of the 1950s where
children, parents, and communities lived free of the problems and conflicts of modern
life. Studies of family history, however, have failed to uncover any such golden age.
Jerome and Arlene Skolnick (1986, 17; 1991; 2000) point out that those condemning
modernization may have forgotten the problems of the past. Although our current
problems inside and outside the family are genuine, we should remember that
many of these issues derive from the very benefits of modernization, benefits too
easily taken for granted or forgotten in the fashionable denunciation of modern
times. In the past, there was no problem of the aged because most people died before
they got old. Adolescence wasn’t a difficult stage of the life cycle because it didn’t exist;
children worked and education was a privilege of the rich. Modernization certainly
brings problems, yet how many of us would trade the troubles of our era for the ills of
earlier times? Edward Kain (1990) suggests that the dismay at the current state of the
family and the desire to return to the good old days has created the myth of family
decline. The family of the past also had plenty of problems, though often different
from those of the modern family.
Rather than dwelling on the problems facing families, let us examine some pos-
sible agendas for strengthening marriages and families. For many years, researchers
Building Successful Relationships | 3
have often defined healthy marriages as ones that have relatively low levels of con-
flict. The focus has been on the lack of negatives rather than on the presence of posi-
tives. But in the same way that being physically fit is more than just being illness-free,
a healthy relationship is more than just conflict free. That is why a growing num-
ber of researchers are focusing on the positive characteristics of healthy marriages
(Fincham and Beach 2010).
Examining the strengths exhibited by successful intimate relationships, particularly
within families, may help us achieve higher standards for future generations. What
would intimate relationships be like if we could make them the best possible? Even if we
succeed in solving the major problems that will surely arise in any intimate relationship,
can we build enduring relationships that are better than just satisfactory? Can people
create intimate relationships that are secure and comfortable, yet growing and exciting
at the same time? Will today’s young families be able to rear children who care about
themselves and the communities of which they are a part—children who will grow into
adults who are capable of being intimate, caring, responsible, and loving human beings?
Having a vision of what we want for ourselves, our relationships, our families,
our children, our society, and our world-to-be is of the utmost importance to human
beings. The ability to visualize the ideal enables human beings to change. Without a
vision of what could be, there would be little if any change. If all our behaviors were
inborn, biologically determined, and preordained, then nothing could change and no
vision of the ideal would be necessary to survive. To be creative in life is to see what
is, visualize what could be, think of the ideal, and then work in-between to move from
what is to what could be. But why discuss an ideal? Won’t we all fall short of the ideal?
Yes, of course we will. But ideals can be goals, and goals give us something at which
to aim. They give us direction in life. They motivate us.
We will begin our study of intimate relationships by examining the ideal qualities of
strong families because it is within families that all of us learn the most (positive and/or
family of origin negative) about intimate relationships. After all, our family of origin, the family in which
The family into which we were we were born and grew up, is the first seat of all of our learning, and human relation-
born and grew up
ships are the essence of the family. All that we experience in this context influences our
family of procreation family of procreation, the family we create following marriage. Throughout this book, we
The family we create after will often return to this theme: How can we build into our intimate relationships those
marriage
characteristics that lead to strong individuals and successful friendships, marriages,
and families? You may wonder why we began by mentioning The Adventures of Ozzie
and Harriet and Leave It to Beaver. How old-fashioned! How out of touch! As already
pointed out, historical families had problems and were often far from perfect. However,
they did portray certain ideals that can be helpful toward the creation of successful rela-
tionships and the successful rearing of children in today’s diverse society.
Data supporting the importance of the two-parent family in the rearing of children
are plentiful. When compared to children raised by single parents and stepparents,
children reared by their own parents are more likely to finish school, have higher
grades, and attend and graduate from college. They are more likely to be employed
and less likely to become single parents. In addition, they score higher on measures of
competence, conduct, psychological adjustment, and long-term health (Parke 2003;
Bramlett and Mosher 2002).
Let us be clear that these statistics are group averages. Parenting by individuals
other than the biological parents can certainly produce children who achieve as well
as those reared by biological parents, though such success is less common. Remember,
group statistics indicate what a group will do on the average; they do not predict what
any one individual or family will do or become.
Any type of family can be successful if it understands the characteristics that make
intimate relationships grow and flourish. Good decision making can build intimate
relationships that are enduring and successful. Such relationships do not appear by
magic. As we go through life, constant decisions must be made about trivial, daily
problems; important decisions, such as about the direction our lives will take, must
also be made. The better and more efficient we become at making decisions, generally
the smoother our lives will flow. A flourishing, intimate relationship is built upon a
foundation of ongoing, successful choices. No relationship is stagnant. Regardless of
how fulfilling and happy a relationship is, decisions must be constantly made to keep
it that way and to continually improve it.
Putting families first is a call that is being heard more and more throughout the
United States. Family values is now a favored topic in government. More than 40 states
have launched programs to strengthen marriage relationships just since the late 1990s
(Dion 2005). Family support systems have become available to people in all segments
of society rather than just to the poor, as was the case in the past. An increasing
number of programs (both public and private) offer families the social supports that
were once provided by a network of stable, extended families within the community.
But despite society’s growing interest in building family strengths and regardless of
the number of family supports provided, the major responsibility for the creation of
strong, stable, satisfying intimate relationships remains with the individual. Knowing
the ideal characteristics of the successful family and making decisions that move our
intimate relationships toward these ideals are the responsibilities of each person.
Most people believe that durability signals a successful marriage. This alone may or
may not be true. There are unhappy, conflict-ridden marriages that last a lifetime. Couples
in such marriages simply may not consider divorce or separation, whatever their reasons
might be.
A successful marriage approximates the marital and family ideals held by each
partner. It usually yields satisfaction and happiness for the couple. The relationship
fulfills their psychological, material, social, and sexual needs. Each individual enter-
ing marriage has some ideal expectation of what the relationship will be.
Qualities of Strong and Resilient

Families: An Overview
As researchers who study strong, healthy marriages and successful families point
out, volumes have been written on what is wrong with the family, but little has been
written about what is right in the successful family. We don’t learn how to do anything
by looking only at how it shouldn’t be done. We learn most effectively by examining
how to do something correctly and by studying a positive model. By discovering the
strengths of enduring, intimate relationships, we might improve our ability to build
successful marriages and create fulfilling family lives.
The basic thrust of this book is to create and develop a vision of the strong family
and to weave this image throughout the book. Secondarily, we focus on how to make
decisions that lead to strong, intimate relationships. Of course, we also spend time
discussing family problems. But by formulating an ideal vision of what a family can
be, we take the first and perhaps most important step toward resolving problems that
will arise throughout our lives. This ideal will help us to understand how decisions
can be made that improve our relationships.
The real question is, “How can we make all types of intimate relationships more
successful, more enduring, and more fulfilling?”
Vera and David Mace (1983, 1985) coined the term family wellness to describe the
strong family that functions successfully. The Maces maintain that the quality of life
in our communities is, in part, determined by the quality of relationships in the fami-
lies that make up the communities. Healthy families produce healthy individuals,
Qualities of Strong and Resilient Families: An Overview | 5
who then help to maintain healthy community environments (Stinnett 2000; Stokols
1992). The quality of life in families is, in turn, strongly affected by the quality of rela-
tionships between the couples who founded those families.
We take the view that family wellness, in its full and true meaning,
grows out of marriage wellness. A family begins when a marriage be-
gins. We do not mean that a one-parent family cannot be a well family.
It can. But since four out of ﬁve one-parent families are really in transi-
tion between marriages it is the marriage relationship that is still the
foundation stone [to family success]. So the key to nearly everything
else is to enable marriages to be what they are capable of being and
what the people involved want them to be. (Mace and Mace 1985, 9)
Concentrating on individual and family strengths helps to counteract the prevail-

ing social view that is absorbed with the negative—problems and failures (Seligman
1998; Volz 2000). The idea that nothing good can come from any failure or undesir-
able event and that the victim is helpless in the face of adversity is self-defeating.
Science has managed to ignore the fact that undesirable events

often produce extraordinary strength, growth, and creativity. Many
social scientists have come to view courage, perseverance and good
cheer as illusory, defensive, and inauthentic while weaknesses such
as depression, greed and lust are genuine. (Seligman 1998, 11)
Such views tend to lead to the idea of victimization—the placing of blame, rightly or
wrongly, on outside forces—which, in turn, leads to defeatism, inactivity, surrender,
and the idea that severe trauma can’t be undone.
On the other hand, strong families are optimistic and take the initiative to fight
their problems, feeling they can solve them and control their lives. They are on the
offensive. They do not simply react; they make things happen. Families can do a great
deal to make life more enjoyable, and strong families exercise that ability.
For our discussion, we assume that basic needs such as nutrition are met, leaving
family members some energy to invest in improving their lives. Obviously, in many
parts of the world, discussion of family strengths and an optimistic view of life is
meaningless until basic survival needs are met.
What are the relationship qualities that lead to family strength and wellness?
Numerous researchers have sought answers to this question, and there has been
considerable agreement among their findings (Alford-Cooper 1998; Gottman 1994;
Mackey and O’Brien 1995; Robinson and Blanton 1993; Stinnett 1997, 2000; Stinnett
and DeFrain 1985; Stinnett and James 2000). The research suggests the following
eight major qualities shared by all strong, healthy families (each is discussed more
thoroughly in later chapters):
1. Commitment. The major quality of strong families is a high degree of commit-

ment. The family members are deeply committed to promoting each other’s
happiness and welfare. They are also very committed to the family group and
invest much of their time and energy in the family. The individual family mem-
ber is integrated into a relationship of mutual affection and respect. By belong-
ing and being committed to something greater than oneself, there is less chance
that individualism will turn into egocentrism. Commitment to the relationship
involves wanting to stay married, feeling morally obligated to stay married, and
feeling constrained to stay married (meaning that there are barriers to leaving a
relationship) (Huston 2001; M. P. Johnson 1991, 1999; Wilcox and Nock 2006).
2. Appreciation. This quality seems to permeate the strong family. The family
members appreciate each other and make each other feel good about themselves.
All of us like to be with people who make us feel good. Yet, many families fall into
interactional patterns in which they make each other feel bad. In strong families,
members find good qualities in each other and can express appreciation for them.
This appreciation increases a person’s good behavior by rewarding it, thus making
it more common, which, in turn, leads to greater appreciation from others.
3. Good communication patterns. Members of strong families spend time talking to
each other. Sometimes families are so fragmented and busy and spend so little
time together that they communicate with each other only through rumor. By
this we mean that families may communicate indirectly through hearsay, as-
sumption, guesswork, and innuendo rather than directly through good commu-
nication techniques (see Chapter 5).
Strong families also listen well. By being good listeners, the family members
say to each other, “You respect me enough to listen to what I have to say. I’m
interested enough to listen, too.”
Families that communicate well also fight fairly. They get angry at each
other, but they get conflict out into the open and can discuss the problem. They
share their feelings about alternative ways of dealing with problems and can
select solutions that are best for everybody.
Both appreciation and good communication require family members to be
empathic and trustworthy. Empathy may be defined as the ability to understand empathy
what the other is thinking, put oneself in the other’s place, and intellectually The ability to understand what the
understand another’s condition without vicariously experiencing their emotions other is thinking, put oneself in
the other’s place, and intellectually
(Long et al. 1999, 235). understand the other’s condition
Trust is important to all successful relationships. It is essential for open com- without vicariously experiencing
munication, mutual understanding, and problem solving (F. Walsh 1998, 52). the other’s emotions
Whether it is trust between a buyer and seller, business partners, family mem-
bers, or an individual and his/her government, when trust declines or is lost,
the relationship is usually lost. Loss of trust leads to discomfort, skepticism,
disbelief, and failure to participate. For example, many political scientists feel
that Americans’ low voter turnout results from distrust of the government.
4. Desire to spend time together. Strong families do a lot of things together. This is
not a false or smothering togetherness; they genuinely enjoy being together.
Another important point is that these families actively structure their lifestyles
so that they can spend time together. This togetherness extends to all areas of
their lives, including meals, recreation, and chores. They spend much of their
time together in active interaction rather than in passive activities such as
watching television. Family rituals and routines are part of the strong family’s
activity (Gregg et al. 1999).
Rituals and routines maintain a sense of continuity over time,

linking past, present, and future through shared traditions and ex-
pectations. Routines of daily life, such as family dinner or bedtime
stories, provide regular contact and order in what is increasingly a
fragmented, hectic schedule for most families. (Hochschild 1997)
5. A strong value system. The underlying factor that adds strength to a family is
a strongly held and mutually shared value system. Such a value system allows
individuals to have a wider vision of life than personal success alone and enables
them to reach beyond themselves. Families that share a strong value system
experience spiritual wellness. This is a unifying force, a caring center within each
person that promotes sharing, love, and compassion for others. Some will disagree,
Qualities of Strong and Resilient Families: An Overview | 7
but Stinnett and DeFrain (1985) found this quality was most often expressed as
WHAT a high degree of religious orientation. This finding agrees with research from
the past 40 years, which shows a positive correlation among religion, marriage
happiness, and successful family relationships (Lehrer 2000; Robinson and
DO YOU THINK? Blanton 1993, 38; Wilcox 2004; Wolfinger and Wilcox 2008). In addition, the
higher the importance attached to religion, the lower the likelihood of marital
1. How many of these
disruption (Bramlett and Mosher 2002; Mahoney et al, 2001). Spirituality gives
characteristics do you find
us a sense of community and support. It also “sanctifies” marriage, or sets it apart
in your family of origin?
as a unique relationship to which one is called to support with high levels of
2. Which characteristics are
commitment and personal investment (Hernandez et al, 2011). Organized religion
most important to you?
may be advantageous to family life by (1) enhancing the family support network,
Why?
(2) sponsoring family activities and recreation, (3) indoctrinating supportive
3. Do you have family
family teachings and values, (4) providing family social and welfare services,
traditions that you’d
and (5) encouraging families to seek divine assistance with personal and family
like to carry on in your
problems (Abbott et al. 1990, 443).
own family? What are
These researchers also point out, however, that rigid religious doctrines that
they? Why are they
promote only traditional sex roles or negative approaches to family planning, for
important to you? How do
example, might be detrimental to family life.
traditions help support
Of course, organized religion has no monopoly on spirituality. Strong values
the characteristics of
can be demonstrated in many ways such as through community involvement,
successful families?
education, and work.
4. How would you establish
6. Ability to deal with crises and stress in a positive manner. Strong families have
those characteristics that
the ability to deal with crises and problems in a positive way. Such families can
are important to you in
bounce back from adversity. They may not enjoy crises, but they can handle
your own family or future
them constructively. Even in the darkest situations they manage to find some
family?
positive element, no matter how small, and focus on it. In a particular crisis,
they may rely to a greater extent on each other and the trust they have developed
in each other. Confronted by a crisis, they unite to deal with it instead of being
fragmented by it. They cope with the problem and support each other.
resilience 7. Resilience. Resilience can be defined as the capacity to rebound from adversity,
The capacity to rebound from having become strengthened and more resourceful. It is an active process of en-
adversity strengthened and more durance, self-righting, and growth in response to challenge and crisis. It involves
resourceful
more than merely surviving, getting through, or escaping a harrowing ordeal. The
quality of resilience enables people to heal from painful wounds, take charge of
their lives, and go on to live fully and love well (F. Walsh 1998, 4). Fortunately, re-
search has shown that resilience can be learned by most anyone (Kersting 2003),
especially children. Children seem to have an amazing capacity to withstand and
recover from adversity (Masten and Berkmaier 2001). Resilience leads to a feeling
of competence.
8. Self-efficacy. Perceived self-efficacy is a person’s beliefs about his/her capacity
to produce designated levels of performance that exercise influence over events
that affect his/her life. More simply, ask, “What are my beliefs about how
competent I am in general?” and “How competent am I, related to a given task?”
Self-efficacy beliefs determine how people feel, think, motivate themselves, and
behave. A strong sense of self-efficacy enhances human accomplishment and
personal well-being. People with high self-assurance in their capabilities
approach difficult tasks as challenges to be mastered rather than threats to be
avoided. Such people approach threatening situations with assurance that they
can exercise control over them. Such an efficacious outlook produces personal
accomplishments, reduces stress, and lowers vulnerability to depression (Bandura
1997, 2000, 2001). “People who regard themselves as highly efficacious act, think,
and feel differently from those who perceive themselves as inefficacious. They
produce their own future, rather than simply foretell it” (Bandura 2004).
Regardless of the type of family, the strong presence of these eight characteristics
creates a positive environment, one that is pleasant to live in because family mem-
bers treat one another in beneficial ways. Members of strong families can count on
each other for support and love. They feel good about themselves, both as individuals
and as members of a family unit or team. They have a sense of we, yet this sense of
belonging does not overpower their individuality. The family supports and respects
individuality. Perhaps strong families can best be defined as those that create homes
we enter for comfort, development, and regeneration and from which we go forth
renewed and charged with power for positive living (Stinnett and DeFrain 1985, 8).
Within a healthy family, individuals learn how to be intimate with family members.
This sets the stage for successful, intimate relationships in the future.
Families founded on the principles of equality, the inviolability of the rights and
responsibilities of the individual, mutual respect, love, and tolerance are the cradle of
democracy. Such families are the foundation for the well-being of individuals, soci-
eties, and nations (Sokalski 1994, 8). This important idea led the United Nations to
proclaim 1994 and every 10 years thereafter as the International Year of the Family.
Can We Study Intimacy?

Can we study intimacy? We can if we study relationships that can be, and often are, inti-
mate. We usually find intimacy within marriage and the family. Although intimacy can
exist between any two people, it is within the family that most of us learn to be intimate,
caring, and loving people—or not. Thus, to study the family is also to study intimacy.
The study of the family deals with many topics, as the table of contents of this book
reveals. It is clear that such a study cuts across numerous disciplines: psychology, sociol-
ogy, anthropology, economics, and so on (Figure 1-1). To identify the study of marriage
Figure 1-1 Family Science
Social
Psychology
psychology
Psychiatry Sociology
Educational
psychology Anthropology
FAMILY Other
Education
SCIENCE disciplines*
Communications
Economics
Consumer
Theology
and family *Architecture
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Can We Study Intimacy? | 9
All races
1990 61.9 8.3 7.6 22.2
2010 56.4 10.4 6.3 26.9
White
1990 64.0 8.1 7.5 20.6
2010 58.9 10.4 6.3 24.3
Black
1990 45.8 10.6 8.5 35.1
2010 38.8 11.7 6.7 42.8
Hispanic
1990 61.7 7.0 4.0 27.2
2010 53.8 8.2 3.8 34.2
Married Divorced Widowed Never married
Figure 1-2 Marital Status, by Race and Hispanic Origin, 1990 and 2010 (Adults in Percent)
SOURCE: U.S. Census Bureau, 2012.
family science and family more clearly, we will use the term family science. Interest in the study of
The study of marriage and family marriage as a research topic has increased dramatically in recent years. Between 2000
combining all disciplines that can and 2010, there were 1,417 research articles with the word “marriage” in the title, an
shed light on marriage and family
functioning
increase of 48 percent compared to the previous decade (Fincham and Beach, 2010).
Because each of us is born into a family (the family of origin or orientation) and
approximately 90 percent of us marry (Bramlett and Mosher 2002) and establish a
family at some time in our lives, we usually have strong feelings about marriage, fami-
lies, love, and intimacy. Figure 1-2 indicates the percentage of persons 18 years and
older who are currently married, divorced, widowed, and never married.
To study family science is also to study our own feelings about the institutions of
marriage and family. The statement that the birthrate in the United States in 2006 was
14.3 births per 1,000 population (NCHS 2007) may appear simple and clear, but such a
statistic has little to do with an individual’s personal decision about having children. Our
personal experiences may or may not be represented by a scientific statistic describing
the general condition of American families. That explains why, apparently, there is little
agreement about how marriages and families are changing and what the changes mean.
Optimism versus Pessimism

Some Americans feel that today’s families are in deep trouble because they are dif-
ferent from their own family of origin. Pessimists see the high divorce rate, the large
numbers of children born out of wedlock, and the devaluation of children as mothers
enter the workplace as signs of family decline.
Optimists feel the wide variety of acceptable relationships now available to Amer-
icans allows people to create a family that is best for themselves. This will, in turn,
improve the quality of family life. Pessimists see the high divorce rate as sounding
the death knell of marriage. Optimists see it as normal behavior in a society that em-
phasizes personal happiness. Given the present freedom to seek happiness through
divorce, individuals no longer need to endure an unhappy marriage.
Regardless of what we feel about the changes taking place in American marriages
and families, such as easier divorce, all individuals interpret such data personally,
based in part on their own family experiences.
But in addition to personal opinions about the family as an institution, a rich
foundation of scientific information is available about this most personal and inti-
mate of relationships. People who know the scientific facts, as well as their personal
feelings about marriage and family, are in a better position to understand themselves
and to build successful and satisfying, intimate relationships that will create strong,
resilient families. As we have said, to study family is also to study intimacy.
Making Decisions That Lead

to a Fulfilling Life
We have presented short descriptions of the major qualities and behaviors neces-
sary to build strong and lasting relationships. We are not born with these behavioral
qualities; they must be learned by the growing child through sufficient socialization
by parents and the society at large. Humans learn the patterns of their culture and
develop a value system as they grow into adulthood. It is the family that supplies most
of this socialization.
Human beings have the longest dependency period of any mammal. Why is this
long period of dependency necessary? It is needed because biology has not built
many behaviors into human beings. A long socialization period is necessary for us
to learn all that is needed to adapt successfully to society. A satisfying life does not
automatically follow an individual’s birth. Considerable learning is required for us to
make decisions that lead to a satisfying life.
Because decision making is such an important part of all human existence, mak-
ing successful life decisions is essential. The reader might begin thinking about such
questions as the following:
● How can I learn to make the best possible decisions about life for myself as well
as for those I care about?
● Will I make decisions that harm myself, my relationships, or my society?
● Will I make decisions that strengthen me, my relationships, and my society?
One person’s life runs smoothly. That person seems fulfilled and happy. Another
person’s life is always upset. Looking carefully at each of these two people, you
may discover that some people seem able to make good decisions about life, while
others make poor decisions. Making good decisions is related to how a person is
socialized.
A child can be socialized in both negative and positive ways. However, if a child is
socialized in negative ways, antisocial behavior and negative self-feelings can result.
All human beings suffer occasionally from self-doubt. If feelings about oneself are
always negative, however, the potential to lead a long-lasting, fulfilling, intimate life
becomes limited. A child needs loving attention to develop a positive self-image. A
positive self-image leads to self-confidence and self-efficacy, which generally help the
decision-making process.
Making Decisions That Lead to a Fulfilling Life | 11
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as he desired.” The evidence for this treasonable scheme is stated by
Mr Spedding, vol. ii. p. 147.
The time had passed for this “monstrous” project, as Mr Spedding
justly calls it. But the scheme into which he now enters is still more
monstrous; it is still more irrational, and, but for evidence of an
unusually clear and stringent character, would be utterly incredible.
That scheme was to force himself upon the Queen, and by an
insurrectionary movement to be carried, in some way, to the highest
position a subject could hold—perhaps to some still higher position.
What was to be his pretence? what the cry by which he was to rouse
the multitude? The succession to the English throne of James of
Scotland had not been formally declared, and the cry was to be that
the ministers were plotting to sell the crown of England to the
Infanta!! It was too absurd, one would say, even for a mob zealous
for the Protestant succession. Some overtures, or solicitations for aid,
were made to James, but of what nature we know not. While the
Protestants were to be alarmed, the Catholics were to be propitiated
by promises of toleration. But Blount and other Catholics who
entered into the plot were, no doubt, induced to do so by stronger
motives than mere promises of toleration—by those vague
expectations and hopes which a season of anarchy and confusion and
civil war would open to a party who still amounted to a large
minority of the nation. “By the end of January 1601,” to adopt the
statement of Mr Spedding, “all their intrigues and secret
consultations had ripened into a deliberate and deep-laid plan for
surprising the Court, mastering the guard, and seizing the Queen’s
person, and so forcing her to dismiss from her counsels Cecil,
Raleigh, Cobham, and others, and to make such changes in the State
as the conspirators thought fit.” The several confessions of those
engaged in the plot, and of Essex himself, leave no doubt whatever of
the fact. How such a plot is to be rationally explained is still a
perplexity. Sir Christopher Blount, with a company of armed men,
was to take the Court gate; Sir John Davis was to master the hall and
go up into the Great Chamber, where already some of the
conspirators would have straggled in and seized upon the halberts of
the guard, which usually stood piled up against the wall; Sir Charles
Davers was to have taken possession of the Presence; whereupon
Essex, with the Earls of Southampton, Rutland, and other noblemen,
would have gone in to the Queen; they would have used her authority
for calling a Parliament, condemned all whom they denounced as
misgoverning the State, and made, it is added, changes in the
government. If such a plot had succeeded, what else could have
ensued than to set loose all the several parties, sects, and factions of
which the country was composed, to struggle anew for the
supremacy?
Meanwhile, some rumours of what was in preparation reached the
Court; Essex was summoned to the Council; he excused himself on
the plea of ill health. The conspirators were alarmed; it seemed to
them that their plot was detected. It was not yet matured—the hour
of action had not yet come. Still, it appeared to them that something
must be done. His friends were assembled. To surprise the Court was
impossible, if the Court was already on its guard. But the city might
be raised; an insurrectionary movement might be excited if Essex,
still an idol of the populace, went among the citizens proclaiming
that his life was in danger from the machinations of his enemies.
While this expedient was being debated there arrived from the Court
the Lord Keeper, with three other lords, sent from the Queen to
know the meaning of this unusual assemblage, and to demand its
dismissal. Essex was invited to explain to them the cause of his
present discontent. Their coming still further precipitated the action.
Essex locked up the four noblemen in his library, and set off himself,
accompanied with some two hundred gentlemen, to rouse the city to
arms. But for the inopportune appearance of these noblemen, Essex
and his friends would have proceeded in stately fashion on horseback
to St Paul’s Cross; they would have arrived before the sermon was
over (it was Sunday), and would have explained their case to the
assembled people. Essex was not deficient as an orator, and he could,
at all events, have obtained a solemn hearing. But the visit of the
councillors spoilt even the execution of the after-plot. The party went
on foot; Essex had no opportunity to address the people; he could
only cry out as he passed along that his life was in danger. A
nobleman running along the streets on a Sunday morning, followed
by two hundred gentlemen with drawn swords, and exclaiming that
his life was in danger, must have been a curious spectacle for the
citizens of London. But it must have been as unintelligible as it was
curious. No one joined him. The Queen’s troops were collected to
oppose him. He made his way back to Essex House, where he was
captured, and conveyed to prison.
Up to this time Bacon’s conduct towards Essex lies open to no
peculiar censure. We have said that he does not appear to us in the
light of a very wise counsellor, or a very warm friend; but, as regards
Essex, no specific charge of ingratitude can be brought against him.
It is after this abortive and miserable attempt at rebellion that his
conduct to his former friend changes. And well, we think, it might. Of
the character and designs of Essex there could be now no doubt
whatever. He has thrown off all disguise. He stands there an enemy
to the commonwealth. Nothing but the extreme absurdity of his
conduct hides from us its extreme criminality.
The defence which Essex was at first prepared to make was simply
the repetition of the false clamour that he had raised when he rushed
into the city—that his life was in danger, and that he acted according
to the law of self-preservation. But, before the trial came on, several
of his associates had made full confession of the actual plot that had
long been in agitation, and which, only at the last moment, had been
substituted by this open and clamorous appeal to the citizens of
London. To Bacon, as one of her Majesty’s counsel, engaged, as we
should say, for the prosecution, the real state of the case was known;
the full extent of Essex’s criminality was known. Do we wonder that,
at this moment, he altogether severed himself from Essex, and took
his position as a zealous supporter of the Queen’s government?
Lord Macaulay, who could not have had before him the materials
for forming a judgment which Mr Spedding has now placed within
the reach of us all, wrote of Essex and Bacon in the following strain:
—“The person on whom, during the decline of his influence, he
chiefly depended, to whom he confided his perplexities, whose advice
he solicited, whose intercession he employed, was his friend Bacon.
The lamentable truth must be told. This friend, so loved, so trusted,
bore a principal part in ruining the Earl’s fortunes, in shedding his
blood, and in blackening his memory.” A more unfortunate sentence,
or one more replete with error, was never penned. It would be
ungenerous to revive it in presence of the lucid statement of facts
which Mr Spedding has given us, if it were not the case that many are
still under the impressions derived from this eloquent essay. Essex,
as we have seen, was very far from confiding his perplexities to
Bacon, or soliciting his advice in those latter days of his life; and
Bacon was so far from being instrumental to his ruin, that no
advocacy on earth could have saved him. Nor can it be said that he
blackened the memory of Essex, for neither on the trial, nor in the
narrative which he subsequently drew up of the whole transaction, is
the guilt of Essex overcharged. Nay, with the materials before us, the
historian could add some very dark strokes to the picture; for he
could show that, even at a time when Essex was receiving nothing
but favours from the Court, he was meditating treason; and he could
add that, in his last moments, he tarnished even his character for
generosity by needlessly including others, hitherto unsuspected, in
his guilt.
What could have been, we are tempted to ask, the hopes of Essex,
or what his final purpose in this act of rebellion? Where could he
have stopped? how found safety for himself in any measure short of a
deposition of the Queen? He must have known that if, by
overpowering her guard and putting a personal constraint upon her,
he obliged the Queen to reinstate him in his former command, yet
that the moment such force was withdrawn he would have been
dismissed again, and exposed to the resentment of a proud and
injured sovereign. A subject who goes so far must go farther still.
Elizabeth must have been deposed, and James prematurely thrust
into her place. It has been even suggested that Essex had some wild
dream of filling the throne himself. He was to play Bolingbroke, and
Elizabeth Richard II.
Those who take a lenient view of Essex’s character might shape a
defence for him out of his very self-will and the headstrong nature of
the man. They would say he did not calculate consequences. He had
twice before regained the favour of the Queen by manifestation of his
own violent and haughty temper. He had managed the Queen by
proving that he was as self-willed as herself. He merely intended to
follow the same course again—to threaten, and display his power.
Such a defence we should not be unwilling ourselves to adopt, if the
treasonable projects of Essex had sprung directly, and only, out of his
last dismissal from Court and his employments. We can conceive
that a spoilt and violent nobleman might have imagined that he
could successfully overawe the Queen: she had, indeed, treated him
as a spoilt child, and had something of a maternal weakness for him:
he might have thought that he could subdue her spirit by this display
of his power, and yet not have contemplated any more atrocious act
of rebellion. But the ugly fact remains that he was meditating high
treason of the most criminal description before he had been
dismissed, and while he was still the most favoured subject of her
Majesty.
Even to those who knew nothing of his antecedent schemes, it
must have seemed a monstrous thing that a nobleman, because he
has been dismissed from his command, should think of reinstating
himself by an armed attack upon the palace, and a violent seizure of
the person of the Queen. So much as this was known to Bacon, and
was indisputably proved by the evidence submitted to him. But why,
it will be said, did Bacon appear upon the trial at all? If his services
were necessary to the support of the Queen’s government, he ought
to have given them, whatever his friendship to Essex; but there were
others who could have performed his part; he might have stepped
aside; he, in silence, might have let justice take its course. “This man
is guilty, but he was my friend; let others pursue him to his merited
punishment.” He might have said this; we wish he had. It would
have been a graceful part to play; it would have added a very pleasing
trait to the biography of Bacon.
But such moral enthusiasm had no place in Bacon’s personal
character. To retire from the post which his legal functions assigned
to him, might have been seriously prejudicial to his own interests,
and in the spirit of martyrdom Bacon did not share in the least
degree. Meanwhile Essex by his conduct had forfeited the friendship
henceforth of all honest men. It must be said that Bacon rather lost
the opportunity of doing a gracious act, than that, in performing his
duties as counsel to the Queen, he did anything gravely
reprehensible. And he performed these duties fairly. It is objected
against Bacon that he pressed heavily on the memory of Essex in the
account he subsequently drew up of the events. This charge Mr
Spedding has quite dispelled. He shows that that account is fully
justified by the evidence. The fact is, that for a long time after his
death a current of popular opinion ran in favour of the Earl; and the
“Declaration,” therefore, which Bacon, with the assistance and under
the direction of the Council, drew up, was regarded as a libel upon
his memory. People refused to believe him guilty. If any remains of
this partiality to the Earl has descended to our times, it will be finally
dissipated by Mr Spedding’s work.
There is one specific accusation which Mr Jardine brought against
Bacon, which is here very completely refuted. Mr Jardine, in
examining the original depositions from which this “Declaration”
was drawn up, found paragraphs marked along the margin with a
significant om. against them. He further found that these passages
had been omitted in the “Declaration,” and he concluded that this
om. was in the handwriting of Bacon, who had marked these
passages for omission because they told in favour of Essex. Mr
Spedding replies:—
“First, it is by no means certain that the marks in question were made with
reference to the Declaration at all. Secondly, it is quite possible that the passages in
question had been omitted at the trial. Thirdly, whether the omission were right or
wrong, there is no ground for imputing it to Bacon personally. Fourthly, the
passages omitted do not in any one particular tend to soften the evidence against
Essex as explained in the narrative part, or to modify in any way the history of the
case, as far as it concerned him.”
The last, the Fourthly, is quite sufficient to demolish Mr Jardine’s

hypothesis. These passages appear to have been omitted because
they affected living persons whom the Council wished to spare, or
because they contained matters which the Council did not wish to
publish to all the enemies of the Queen’s Government at home or
abroad. Mr Spedding, however, has enabled the reader to judge for
himself by publishing these omitted passages.
As very much stress has been laid on the presumed unfairness of
this Declaration composed by Bacon, it must be remembered, under
the supervision of the Council, we quote at length Mr Spedding’s
concluding observations upon it:—
“With regard to the general charge of untruthfulness, I have said that nobody
has yet attempted to specify any particular untruth expressed or implied in the
Government Declaration. And it is singular that Mr Jardine himself does not form
an exception; for though he does specify, as contradicted by one of the omitted
passages, a particular statement which he assumes to be contained in the
Declaration, it is certain that there is no such statement there; but that, on the
contrary, the precise import of that passage, as Mr Jardine himself infers it, is
represented in the body of the narrative with delicate exactness. In the absence of
such specification, I can only oppose to the general charge a general expression of
my own conviction; which is, that the narrative put forth by the Government was
meant to be, and was by its authors believed to be, a narrative strictly and
scrupulously veracious. It is true that it was written under the excitement and
agitation of that last and most portentous disclosure, which, in proving that Essex
had been capable of designs far worse than anybody had suspected him of,
suggested a new explanation of all that had been most suspicious and mysterious
in his previous proceedings; and it may be that things which before had been
rejected as incredible were now too easily believed. In so dark a thing as treason it
is impossible to have positive evidence at every step. Many passages must remain
obscure, and fairly open to more interpretations than one; and in one or two of
those points which are and profess to be ‘matter of inference or presumption,’ as
distinguished from ‘matter of plain and direct proof,’ there is room, probably,
without setting aside such indisputable facts, for an interpretation of Essex’s
conduct more favourable than that adopted by the Queen and her councillors.... In
my own account of the matter I have abstained, in deference to so general a
prejudice, from using the Declaration as an authority; and have assumed as a fact
nothing for which I cannot quote evidence independent of it. For the rest, I shall let
it speak for itself. It will be found to be a very luminous and coherent narrative,
and certainly much nearer the truth than any which has been put forth since it
became the fashion to treat it as a fiction.”
Having elected to serve the Queen, and not his former friend (and
he probably never hesitated a moment on this subject; he probably
would have thought it mere idle romance to sacrifice the actual life
and duties before him to the memory of a dead friendship)—having
elected to serve the Queen, we do not find that in assisting to conduct
the prosecution Bacon behaved with undue harshness towards the
accused. The allusion to the Duke of Guise, which Macaulay blames
so severely, appears to be one very natural to arise to a speaker on
such an occasion. Essex did intend, like the Duke of Guise, to
overawe his sovereign. In one respect the parallel pays an
undeserved compliment to Essex. The Duke of Guise had the support
of a great party—the zealous Catholics; if Essex could have attained
the like support from the zealous Protestants, the Puritans, his
scheme might, at least, have worn a more rational aspect. Perhaps he
fondly conceived that the Puritans would adopt him as their
representative. He thought himself a very good Puritan. This bad
citizen was highly indignant when Coke cast a slur upon his religion.
Here we lose for the present the guidance of Mr Spedding. We wait
with interest for such disclosures as he may make for us in the great
charge that burdens the memory of Bacon—that of judicial
corruption. There are, indeed, two or three broad facts which, we
apprehend, no historical investigation can materially alter, and
which, we think, enable us to come to a safe conclusion in this
subject. But still there is much we should like to have cleared up to
us; especially we should like to know what had been the custom of
previous Chancellors in this matter of the reception of presents.
Could, for instance, the same charges which were brought against
Bacon have been brought against the father, Sir Nicholas Bacon?
The two or three broad facts we allude to are these: 1. After a
considerable interval Parliament had met, and “grievances had been
gone into.” Monopolies were first attacked, and their attention was
called to certain corrupt practices in the Court of Chancery. Bacon
was impeached before the House of Lords. 2. The Lord Chancellor no
longer stood in an amiable footing with the favourite, the Duke of
Buckingham, who was very willing to have the Great Seal to bestow
on some other client. The impeached Chancellor was not likely to
receive any assistance from the Court. The King advised Bacon to
throw himself on his royal mercy. 3. Under these circumstances
Bacon did plead guilty, and threw himself on the mercy of the King;
who certainly fulfilled his part of the compact by remitting all that he
possibly could of the sentence passed by the House of Lords.
Now we cannot suppose that Bacon would plead guilty unless
there were really some corrupt practices of which his conscience told
him he was culpable. To suppose otherwise would, as Macaulay has
argued, convict him of a dastardly conduct almost as infamous as
judicial corruption. But although it is impossible to suppose that
there was not something to confess—something culpable and illegal
to plead guilty to—yet it is very possible that, by showing that he was
not more culpable than others, he might have defended himself
successfully before the House of Lords. A man of sterner stuff would
have adopted this line of defence; he would have carried the war into
other territories. Of this the Court was not at all desirous, and Bacon,
a lover of peace, thought it the better bargain to plead guilty and
keep the King for his friend.
We do not accuse the Lord Chancellor of pleading guilty, and being
conscious of perfect innocence; we say that he resigned a line of
defence which might have been successful with his judges, in
obedience to the wishes of the Court. In the position in which he
found himself, submission was better policy than defence.
It is idle to suppose that Bacon received no presents but such as
would be classed under the head of fees or customary donations:
there was the element of secrecy in the transactions which were now
brought to light, and which were to be made the subject of
investigation before the House of Lords. The money was given, it is
true, to an officer of the Court; it was not slipped into the hand, or
dropped stealthily into the sleeve of the judge himself: but the officer
of the Court did not talk about such transactions as these; he had the
proper esprit de corps, if he had no other motive for silence. But still
there are many cases in which a custom, acknowledged to be bad and
immoral even by those who fall into it, is yet so prevalent that it
seems an injustice to single out any one individual, and punish it in
him; and this seems to be the position in which Bacon stands. An
illustration occurs to us in some of the vicious customs of trade. The
illustration may not be very dignified, but it is apposite. A little time
ago the public was suddenly made aware of divers impositions that
had been long practised on it. Some articles of commerce were
systematically adulterated; others were sold under false descriptions.
Here were reels of cotton warranted to contain 300 yards, which did
not contain say more than 200; and it was reported at the time (we
of course do not vouch for the truth of a statement which we use only
by way of illustration) that respectable houses of trade gave orders to
the manufacturers for reels of cotton which should be marked as
having a greater number of yards than were actually wound on them.
Now let us suppose that a custom of this kind prevails, and that
suddenly one man, and he not the most flagrant offender, is singled
out for punishment. You cannot say the man is guiltless—he will not
say himself that he is guiltless; he never approved of the custom,
though he fell into it; he knew that it could not bear the light of day;
he knew that though his own class did not condemn the custom, the
moral opinion of society at large would unhesitatingly denounce it.
He pleads guilty—as Bacon did—and throws himself upon the
charitable construction of the public. And the public, if it cannot
pardon, will not be disposed to punish severely.
The difference between a prevalent bad custom, and a custom
which society at a given time does not pronounce to be bad, is stated
by Lord Macaulay with his usual force and precision. We shall be
glad to hear, from the further investigation of Mr Spedding, which of
these most strictly applies to the practice of which Bacon stands
accused.
We cannot leave our subject without expressing our assent (with
certain reservations) to the estimate which Lord Macaulay has
formed of Bacon in his character of philosopher—in that character in
which there can be only the difference of more or less admiration.
We admire—as who does not?—the eloquent and far-seeing man
who perceived that too much of our time was spent over books, and
too little in the study of that nature which appeals at each moment to
our senses, and promises to those who will investigate her laws new
powers as well as new knowledge. But we agree with Macaulay in
setting little store upon the rules of a new logic by which he offered
to aid the investigation of those laws. No logic of any kind ever
taught a man to reason. No truth was ever discovered by either
Aristotelian or Baconian logic. It may be fit and proper to make the
process of reasoning a subject of subtle analysis; but just as the poet
must come before the critic, and never yet was formed by the critic,
so the reasoner comes before the logician, and never yet was an able
reasoner made so by rules of logic. It was a glorious word spoken in
season, to tell men to observe and to experiment—to take nothing
upon mere tradition or authority that could possibly be tested by
experiment. But the rules Bacon gives for conducting observation
and experiment have never made a good observer, or contributed
themselves to our scientific discoveries. “The inductive method,” as
Macaulay says, “has been practised ever since the beginning of the
world by every human being.... Not only is it not true that Bacon
invented the inductive method, but it is not true that he was the first
person who correctly analysed that method and explained its uses.
Aristotle had long before pointed out the absurdity of supposing that
syllogistic reasoning could ever conduct men to the discovery of a
new principle—had shown that such discoveries must be made by
induction, and by induction alone; and had given the history of the
inductive process, concisely indeed, but with great perspicuity and
precision.”
We for our part have always noticed that when a man talks much
about “Baconian philosophy,” he is going to stuff into our ears some
incredible nonsense. He who has good evidence to bring forward—
trusts at once to his evidence. Phrenologists, mesmerists,
spiritualists, all who have a very weak case, are great discoursers on
the rules of induction. They eke out their defective reasoning by
proving to us, whether we are aware of it or not, that they are very
good reasoners. Most readers, fortunately for themselves, are
satisfied with a few brilliant passages of the ‘Novum Organum.’ If
they proceeded farther, they might find that not only did it not assist
them in their researches after physical truth, but that it embarrassed
them considerably as to the real nature of physical science, and the
kind of truth to be sought for.
Bacon was a great writer, a great thinker, but he was not “the
father of modern philosophy.” If we are to have fathers in science,
the title must be given to such men as Galileo, Kepler, Newton. He
who discovers one great scientific truth does more even for the logic
of science than any writer upon that logic can perform.
Science does not stand in contradiction to the metaphysical or
ethical discussions of ancient or of modern times. There is no
contrast such as is popularly described between the old philosophy
and the new. But a vast addition has been made to one kind of our
knowledge. And with regard to that great argument of utility which
Lord Macaulay has so eloquently developed, it must be borne in
mind that the utility of the physical sciences made itself known by
certain individual discoveries and inventions, not by mere abstract
contemplation of what the study of nature might produce. In fact, the
utility of the pursuit was the very argument which Socrates made use
of to draw men from the study of objective nature to the study of
themselves. As matters then stood, more seemed likely to be effected
by regulating the mind of man than by observing the winds or the
clouds, or any of the phenomena of nature.
Let us carry ourselves back in imagination to the state of
philosophy which existed at Athens in the time of the Emperor
Hadrian, and which Mr Merivale has so pleasantly described in his
last volume of ‘The History of the Romans under the Empire.’
Philosophy seems to have come to a dead-lock. “On every side it was
tacitly acknowledged that the limits of each specific dogma had been
reached; that all were true enough to be taught, and none so true as
to be exclusively believed. Their several professors lived together in
conventional antagonism, and in real good-fellowship. Academics
and Peripatetics, Stoics and Epicureans, Pyrrhonists and Cynics,
disputed together or thundered one against the other through the
morning, and bathed, dined, and joked together, with easy
indifference, through the evening.” Well, let us suppose that amongst
this conclave a Baconian philosopher had presented himself, with his
new organon and his speculations on the new power men would
derive, if, with this organon in their hands, they would proceed to
the study of nature. After some struggle to get a footing in what Mr
Merivale has described as a most conservative university, he would
perhaps have been allowed to open his school in Athens, and he
would have added one more figure to that group of philosophers who
disputed in the morning, and dined amicably together in the evening.
Another admirable talker would have appeared amongst them. This
would have been the whole result. But now let us imagine that to this
Athens a Galileo had come with his telescope and revealed the
satellites of Jupiter; let us imagine that a Cavendish had come with
his electric battery and decomposed water into two gases, one of
which burst readily into flame; what a stir would there then have
been amongst all the schools and classes of Athens! Still larger
telescopes would have been made, and the electric battery applied to
all sorts of substances. An era of experimental philosophy would at
once have been inaugurated.
All honour to the great and eloquent writer; but such palms and
such wreaths as Science has to bestow are due to those who have
discovered scientific truths. These are they who have really stirred
the minds of men as well as placed power in their hands; and,
without gainsaying a word of what Lord Macaulay has so brilliantly
stated of the utilities of science, it is worthy of notice that in no
department of philosophy have truth and knowledge been sought for
with so much avidity purely for their own sakes. And it should be
added that only by the pursuit of knowledge for its own sake can its
utilities be developed. For it is one thing to prosecute science with a
general conviction that its truths will turn to inventions for the good
of man, and quite another thing to set before ourselves some
desirable end or object of a practical kind as the goal to which we are
striving. This is what the alchemists did when they set before
themselves the transmutation of metals as the achievement to be
accomplished. To study nature under such guidance as this would be
a great mistake. We may be wasting our time on an impossibility; we
should certainly be narrowing the sphere of our observation. But
when we strive in every direction to proceed from the known to the
unknown, by seizing upon every new relation which offers itself to
the understanding, then we can hardly fail to stumble upon some
discovery of a practical utility. The passion for knowledge sweeps all
things into our net, and we may find marvellous treasures there we
never dreamt of. The higher sentiment of the love of knowledge is
that which can alone conduct us to the utilities of knowledge. We
cannot predict what science will enable us to do, and then proceed
with our studies in order that we may accomplish this end. It is
science which teaches us what new ends can be accomplished. It is
an ever-broadening knowledge, procured immediately for its own
sake, that opens up to us the new possibilities, the new powers, that
man may aspire to and possess.
THE YEANG-TAI MOUNTAINS, AND SPIRIT-
WRITING IN CHINA.
That portion of China which lies more immediately to the west of

the estuary of the Canton river, comprising the Sun-on, Toong-koon,
Kinei-shin, and Tai-phoong districts, is exceedingly mountainous,
and inhabited by a turbulent people, constantly fighting among
themselves, and but little subject to mandarin rule. Even still
foreigners scarcely ever visit it; and when, during the war, I first
commenced to wander there, the field was entirely my own; and
many were the prophecies that, if I returned at all, it would be in at
least a headless, if not in a completely disjointed, condition. The
torture and murder, a few years before, of six young Englishmen at
Hwang-chu-ku, near Canton, when they were only taking an
afternoon stroll, had rendered our countrymen particularly chary of
trusting their persons in the hands of the Chinese; and at the time
my excursions commenced, there was additional danger, arising
from the fact that, though Canton was in the hands of the Allied
troops, the gentry of the provinces still kept up a species of warfare,
and offered rewards for our heads: so, while a few well-armed
sportsmen from Hong-Kong might occasionally pass over to the
mainland immediately opposite, it was deemed madness to think of
spending a night there, or to go any distance into the country
beyond. But though the island of “Fragrant Streams,” as the words
Hong-Kong signify, has some curious caves and wild lonely spots, its
limits are so circumscribed that a residence in it became extremely
irksome. To be sure, the quiet old Portuguese city of Macao, with its
grotto of Camoens, could be reached in four or five hours by steamer,
with the refreshing possibility, as one or two cases proved, of being
pirated and murdered on the way by the Chinese passengers; a
gunboat, too, would take us up to Canton in about a day: but these
places, however interesting, soon became insufficient; they began to
present themselves in the disagreeable light of being only suburbs of
Hong-Kong, and I resolved to seek entertainment elsewhere.
Being unaware that some German missionaries had, before the
war broke out, laboured in the neighbouring districts, I had to feel
my way without any previous information as to the character of the
different villages and towns, and so incurred some dangers which
otherwise might have been avoided. The first time of sleeping on the
mainland was in an ancestral hall, along with a friend, whose
Chinese teacher even refused to escort us on account of the supposed
danger. The next time, accompanied only by some native coolies, to
carry bedding and provisions, I wandered for nearly a week among
the mountains, and slept at whatever village I happened to be at by
sun-down, without meeting any apparent danger, or even
unpleasantness. After that—sometimes alone, sometimes with
others; sometimes in perfect safety, and at others with extreme risk—
I made excursions innumerable. The manner in which I thus
explored for myself the country lying to the east of the firth of the
Canton river may have given it peculiar charms; but the contrast of
its valleys and mountains to those of Hong-Kong, and to those
immediately opposite that barren island, would have been sufficient
to endear it to all who feel with Goethe, that “the works of nature are
ever a freshly-uttered word of God.” The wooded hills and beautiful
green valleys were pleasant haunts after the chunam and rotten
granite of the mercantile city of Victoria. Those were happy days
spent among the mountains of Kwang-tung—crossing rugged passes,
ascending lofty peaks, bathing in deep, black mountain-pools,
loitering at wayside tea-houses, or under the shade of wide-
spreading trees. Those were pleasant evenings—though not always
undisturbed by danger, and on the limited-intercourse principle—
passed beside some long-robed teacher in the village schoolhouse,
some shaven monk in a Buddhist monastery, or even in some opium-
perfumed junk, with half-piratical mariners who would gamble the
whole night through. Perhaps, gentle reader, you will not be averse to
accompany me on one of those otherwise solitary excursions, and so
to gain, without the trouble or danger, some little knowledge of the
country and the peasant people. Our company will certainly not be of
the silver chopstick kind; but I trust it will not be altogether
disagreeable or without profit.
The trip I select was made in the first warm days of the spring of
1860, after affairs had been settled in the south of China, and no
rewards were out for the heads of foreigners; but I took notes of it at
the time, which have kept it fresh in recollection. At first I used to
carry my own provisions, cooking utensils, &c.; but after a little
further knowledge of the people and their ways, all these were
dispensed with; for, besides the expense, it was often difficult to find
accommodation for a retinue of coolies, and their tendency to jabber
at unseasonable moments was a source of constant annoyance. A
pair of chopsticks, a strip of waterproof lined with cork, and a couple
of blankets for bedding, together with a change of clothes, and a flask
or two containing stronger waters than those which abound in China,
were soon found to be all that was necessary, and would easily be
carried by a single coolie when slung to the ends of a bamboo pole
carried on his shoulders—for men accustomed to bear weights in this
way walk as easily with a moderate burden as they do without any.
Aheung is my companion on the present occasion. He is old, but
sturdy; he works more willingly than younger men, and has an
inestimable peculiarity about the formation of his mouth which
renders it next to impossible to understand anything he says. Even
his own countrymen have difficulty in making out his meaning, and I
never attempt it; so he cannot remonstrate with me, and is placed in
the position of being a recipient of orders, or, as Carlyle would
phrase it, of being passively pumped into as into an empty bucket.
Naturally, Aheung is of rather a garrulous disposition, and every now
and then he pours out a sudden flood of complicated sounds,
resembling a mixture of Gaelic and Chinese; but, on finding that
nobody understands him, he as suddenly subsides into abashed
silence. Though perfectly honest, he is shrewd at a bargain, and fond
of receiving a kumshan, or present, which he pronounces
kwumchwha. This old gentleman is also extremely timid, and apt to
disappear at critical moments. He goes with me on excursions
because he has a wife who knows that it is for his interest to do so,
and makes him; but he is seldom at his ease, and mutters an
inarticulate protest at every new movement, or holds up his hands
and shrugs his shoulders, assuming an aspect of despair. It must be
added that he is extremely attentive, of a very kind disposition, with
much natural politeness, and of great devoutness or religiosity. I
never met such a man for worship. It was all one to Aheung whether
he was in an ancestral hall, a Buddhist monastery, a Tauist temple,
or a Christian chapel; he never let a chance pass of going down upon
his knees and doing “joss-pidgin.” As some men have an omnivorous
appetite, so my old Chinaman had a most catholic appetite for
worship, and a taste for what Dr Brown calls “fine confused feedin’!”
On one occasion he gave great satisfaction to a missionary with
whom we were travelling, by his punctuality in attending morning
prayers: and the missionary said to me, “That seems a very good old
man of yours; I should not wonder if he became a convert.” To my
friend’s annoyance, however, Aheung was to be seen at the first
temple we came to waving a burning joss-stick, and prostrating
before an image of the solemn-faced Buddha, and was much
astonished when rebuked for this by the missionary. With such an
outfit and a companion one is in light marching order for an active
rather than a luxurious excursion; and as the weather has begun to
get warm, I dispense with the inconvenience of European shirt,
waistcoat, coat, and neck-tie, contenting myself with a loose white
China coat, having no collar and no pressure at the armpits, and
covered by another silk one of similar make and dimensions. It
would be difficult to overrate the comfort and advantage of such a
costume to those who have to take exercise in hot weather. As to
money, it is impossible to burden my coolie with any considerable
sum in Chinese “cash,” as there are a thousand of that coin to the
dollar; but ten or twelve dollars will cover all the expenses of the
excursion, and that we take in sycee silver, or dollars broken up into
small pieces, which are preferred by the Chinese to the entire coin,
and in which small payments can be made without the trouble of
changing.
A “pull-away boat,” manned chiefly by women, soon carried us
across the spacious harbour of Hong-Kong, into a large bay, and on
to a fine sandy beach on the opposite mainland. Here the
magnificent range of mountains which lines the coast presents a low
pass, up which runs a steep cork-screw path, by which we got to the
other side of them, and, winding along for an hour, to a narrow
wooded gorge at the head of the Leuk-ün valley, which, in the yellow
evening light, lay peacefully below, fringed by thick dark woods,
above which rose imposing mountains of picturesque form. It is well
to take it easy for the first two days, so our resting-place that night
was a very short way down the valley, at an ancestral hall in the
village of Kan-how. This hamlet comprised not more than a dozen
houses, but their hall was large, clean, well built, and served as a
schoolhouse, as well as for some other purposes. On entering I found
the old men seated in arm-chairs, just finishing a consultation on
some important subject or other, and the children soon crowded in,
in expectation of the cash which it is both wise policy and Chinese
custom for strangers to distribute amongst them. The custodian of
this pleasant place was a one-eyed ancient of most forbidding
appearance. His one eye not only did the business of two, but gave
the impression that it had gone out of his head, and was prowling
about generally for something or other. His exterior semblance,
however, did belie his soul’s timidity; and his chief failing was a
peculiar passion for corks, which he sought after and treasured up
with the avidity of a miser. I used to keep a store of beer in this
ancestral hall, and on my visits he always seemed to be troubled at
night by a suspicion that some cork had escaped his search, or might
be abstracted from a bottle, and he would rise to look for it. On one
occasion a friend just out from England spent a night with me in this
place, and being by no means assured of the safety of sleeping among
Chinese, the personal appearance of the Uniocular caused him a
great deal of unnecessary anxiety. He could not sleep because of a
vision he had of the One-eyed progging at him with a spear, and the
One-eyed could not sleep because of an imaginary cork! The game
which these two carried on during the night was extremely comical.
Their small sleeping-rooms were at opposite corners of the joss-
house, and not in sight of each other, so they never actually came in
contact. First, the old man would rise, light a reed, and, bending
almost double, with his one eye glittering down upon the black stone
floor, search for the object of his desire. Roused by the noise made,
or the glimmer of the light, my friend would then rise also, and,
being unaccustomed to such work, steal out in his stocking-soles,
peering into the darkness with a lighted taper in one hand and a
revolver in the other. On hearing the creaking of the boards when his
enemy arose, the cork-gatherer always extinguished his light, and, on
catching a glimpse of the dreadful apparition with the revolver, stole
off terrified to his own den, not to re-emerge until all was quiet, and
some time had elapsed. Unfortunately, it usually happened,
whenever I persuaded a friend to go with me upon the mainland,
that some danger, or appearance of danger, occurred, and prevented
him from repeating the visit.
One advantage of sleeping upon boards is, that it promotes early
rising; but ere I got up next morning, the children of the hamlet were
in the temple, reading in their singsong way the Chinese trimetrical
classic which they are taught to commit to memory long before they
understand almost a word of its meaning. The contrast which
Celestial children present to those of the West is striking. They are
quiet, calm, perpetrate no tricks, and rarely or never play about. In
fact, their demeanour is not unlike that of aged Europeans; while the
old men, on the other hand, display something of the liveliness of
childhood, especially when engaged in their favourite amusement of
flying kites. Though teaching was thus carried on in the temple, yet
that building was specially dedicated to the worship of the ancestors
of the villagers. “The real religion of China,” it has been truly said, “is
not the worship of heaven and earth, nor of idols, but of Confucius
and of one’s own ancestors.” The more educated classes, including
the mandarins, have special reverence for Confucius; but the mass of
the people worship the spirits of their ancestors with profound awe.
They believe that each family has a close peculiar interest in all its
members, whether before or after death, not one being able to suffer
without all being afflicted. Each house has its lararium, in the shape
of a small temple, a room, or even a niche in the wall, where the
family is poor. This hall at Kan-how had many ancestral tablets hung
up in it, and also some for the propitiation of kwei, or friendless
hungry spirits, for whom the Chinese have a singular dread. Every
district in the country has a temple with the tablets of all persons
whose families are extinct. To the imagination of the yellow-skinned
children of Han there is something very awful in the idea of a forlorn
shivering ghost, wandering through the air without any progeny on
earth to care for it, to give it meat-offerings, or the warm regard of
human hearts; and they believe that such friendless spirits are always
likely to become malignant powers, and to work them evil. Some
districts have a ceremony, every ten years or so, called the “Universal
Rescue,” for the special benefit of such spirits.
The morning wore away pleasantly as I was sitting on a little
terrace, shaded by a large tree, in front of the ancestral hall. A
number of small villages dotted the ricefields of the flat valley; and
after their morning meal the people came out to their work, some
carrying a light plough behind the ox which had to drag it, others
with hoes to weed the sweet-potato fields, bands of laughing women
going up the mountains to cut grass, and one gentleman taking a
morning walk with a long spear over his shoulder. On returning from
a visit to a curious rock, called the “Mother and Child,” from its
resemblance to a woman with an infant upon her back, I found the
school had “scaled,” to use a Scotch phrase; and the teachers, with
the elders, were engaged in purchasing articles for a general dinner,
and cutting them up. In the discussion which went on upon this
subject a few of the pot-bellied children who remained took great
interest, throwing in their opinions with much calmness and gravity.
That afternoon I crossed over a second range of mountains into
another valley, the path leading down near the side of a huge black
precipice, which looked sublime in the moonlight. Not a soul was
met on the latter part of the way, for when night descends on China,
the country people confine themselves to their own homes, and only
bands of robbers are to be met with, or men out for some bloody
purpose, such as destroying a village with which they are at war. I
had sometimes stopped, at the first village I came to, in the house of
an old woman; and one evening, when taking an English friend
there, a rather startling incident occurred. As we came round a
corner upon the village, just as I was expatiating upon the
friendliness of the people and the perfect safety we would enjoy, a
gingall was fired, and the bullets came whistling round our heads.
My companion looked as if he thought this fact considerably
outweighed my theory; but it turned out that the gingall, which takes
some little time to go off, had actually been fired before we came in
sight round the corner. On this present occasion I went on to another
village called Chin-wan, and slept in the house of a young teacher,
who remained up, or rather lolling on his couch, till about one in the
morning, smoking opium with a friend. It is a remarkable fact that,
with only one exception, all the Chinese dominies I came across were
in the habit of smoking opium. Probably this was caused by the
sedentary, harassing, and dreary nature of their occupation, which
makes the soothing drug specially desirable. At one place I was told I
could not see the teacher, though it was the middle of the day,
because he was asleep from opium. Fancy being told, and as nothing
out of the way, that a parochial schoolmaster was invisible, because

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