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THE

MOVIE ©
BIBLE
THE ULTIMATE MODERN GUIDE TO
Mo IES THAT ARE SO BAD THEY'RE ly,

Rob Hill
 “© thought Superman IV
was a good idea?

>) happened to make

Troll 2 the way it is?

== was Samurai Cop

really found?

= should the Death Wish

franchise have died?

‘> does Tommy Wiseau

have a secret pocket in
his underpants?

Discover the answers to all these

questions and more (apart from the
last one, | never did find that out).

www.badmoviebible.com

@badmoviebible
@badmoviebible
Check out the Bad Movie Bible YouTube channel
 I EEE_ a O

This book should be returned to any branch of the

Lancashire County Library on or before the date shown
rhe
23 FEB 2018

21 APR 20
lb 10D

22 MAR 2019
0b

Lancashire County Library : a)

Bowran Street Lancashire
Preston PR1 2UX : eae,

www.lancashire.gov.uk/libraries

‘ii
- va , ; _ F ‘

es ba a i ; ’ E je oa eee a =

ee 7 = . - a = - a CU ee ee
WISEAU

“You cannot have the

drama without comedy.”
-Tommy Wiseau
Rob Hill
 For Daisybelle and Stanley

Publisher: Will Fulford/Bill Fulford/Andy Cantillon

Editor: Emma Hill
Designer: Holly & Houmous
Production Manager: Eve Hunter

First Published in Great Britain in 2017 by Art of Publishing Ltd.

Lynton House
7-12 Tavistock Square
Bloosmbury
London
WC1H 9BO,
www.artofpublishing.net

www.badmoviebible.com
Find The Bad Movie Bible channel on YouTube
@BadMovieBible on Twitter and Instagram

Copyright © 2017 Art of Publishing Ltd.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval
system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording or otherwise without prior written permission of the publisher.

ISBN 978-0-9932407-7-5

Printed and bound in Belgium

We have made our best efforts to identify and credit the owners of the copyrights in and
sources of the images used in this book. We apologise in advance for any unintentional
omission, error or neglect, and if you consider that we have failed to give an appropriate
acknowledgement or credit that was due, please get in touch with us and we will be
pleased to put this right in the next edition.
 CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

WHY ARE SOME MOVIES SO BAD THEY'RE GOOD?

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

READER'S MANUAL

ACTION

SCIENCE FICTION & FANTASY

HORROR 124

THE REST 180

PRE-1970s SUGGESTIONS 232

NOTES AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS 234

IMAGE CREDITS 230

INDEX 238
INTRODUCTION
Most movies aren't very good. That
shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. Nor
should it be a surprise that some are
so cheesy, over-the-top or ineptly made
that their inadequacies, supposed or
otherwise, can create a curious appeal.
This book is a celebration of, and guide
to, those movies.
Don’t assume the ironic enjoyment of
a movie's apparent shortcomings is
automatically derisive or snide. The word
‘bad’ may be appropriate, but is just as
often a misnomer substituting for terms like
corny, weird or excessive. We don’t have
the language to snappily sum up what the
French call nanar, and the Spanish cutre.
‘Bad’ may be the word that’s central to the
way these movies are described (funny-bad,
good-bad, so bad it’s good) but it’s not
always the pejorative judgement it seems
to be. People love these movies. They may
have been shunned by critics, they may not
be what the filmmakers intended or what
audiences are used to seeing, but they're
enormous fun to watch. Usually our ironic
Empire of the Ants
“You know a true
film obsessive at once
because you talk less
about good movies
than about what you
love in bad movies.”
-Pauline Kael
response to them coexists with the intended
response. You might enjoy a 1980s action
B-movie in many of the ways hoped for
by its makers, but with hindsight you might
also see the cogs turning and relish the
corny appeal that engenders. Cinema grew
up. We grew up (sort of). But most movies
remain trapped in the primitive aesthetics
of the recent past. Anyone who has been
amused by the fashions in Clueless or
Super Fly while still enjoying the movie
has experienced this phenomenon. And so
has anyone who's chuckled at the cheesy
dialogue in Love Story or Road House.
Of course there are also those movies that
are just profoundly incompetently made.
Bizarre polemics, narcissistic propaganda,
cynical cash-grabs, delusional imitations...
we shouldn't feel bad for castigating these
things. Whatever features they may possess
that make them fun, that lift them from the
depths of plain bad and onto the sun-bathed
slopes of good-bad, they're not intentional.
That might sound harsh. Even the worst
movies are often the result of someone's
blood, sweat and tears. Someone who
actually got out there and made something
happen while the rest of us trawled YouTube
for Filipino exploitation. This is something
we must never forget. But it would be
foolish not to accept that some movies are,
inevitably, extraordinarily terrible. You have
to draw the line somewhere. Wherever you Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf
choose, just make sure Night of Horror is on
the other side.

The enjoyment of all these kinds of movie
has become a mainstream phenomenon.
Ordinary film fans share recommendations
for the funniest bad movie ever made just as
they might the best. Every day a passionate
community of critics, podcasters and
YouTubers ply hungry fans with the latest
interpretations and suggestions. Good-bad
behemoths like Troll 2 and The Room play
theatrically all around the world and have
generated stage plays, fan films, feature
“I can't go to a bad movie
by myself. What, am |gonna
make sarcastic remarks to
strangers?
Jerry Seinfeld
documentaries and video games. Actor Greg
Sestero’s book on the making of The Room,
The Disaster Artist, has been adapted into
a Hollywood film starring heavyweights like
Brian Cranston, Sharon Stone and James
Franco. We live in glorious times.
But as much fun as these movies are to
watch, they can be a nightmare to find. For
every Miami Connection there are a dozen
Miami Golems. For every discovery that
makes you want to punch the air there are
many more that make you want to punch
the director. I've seen thousands of movies
classed as critical failures. As research for
this book intensified, | watched up to half a
dozen each day for weeks on end. Sorting
the wheat from the chaff is an expensive,
time-consuming and psychosis-inducing job.
I've done it so you don't have to.
WHY ARE SOME MOVIES
SO BAD THEY’RE GOOD?

As I've said, there are different types of who were never meant to act. Ambitious
good-bad. Things and Batman & Robin Playboy models, retired athletes, relatives
are both movies (well one of them is. Sort of Hollywood stars and, of course, rappers.
of.) They both amuse audiences with their So many rappers. That's not to mention the
deficiencies, but they are very different everyday talent vacuums who thought Robot
deficiencies that work their magic in very Holocaust would translate their high school
different ways. To understand what makes popularity into movie stardom.
a movie so bad it’s good, we need to
break down this peculiar contradiction But why can bad acting be funny? For one
into its contributing factors. thing it’s easy for the disbelief at what we're
witnessing to spill over into amusement.
The first and most obvious answer is
incompetence, something that's perhaps
most clearly and amusingly demonstrated
Deadly Prey
by actors. An important notion to establish
is that cinema has a language. There is a set
of codes or rules that
movies must adhere
to if they want us to
“It's hard to buy into them. Acting
| . th f performances that
explain the Tun run contrary to an
to be found in unwritten but well-
established set of
the right kind subtle techniques
of bad movie.” and inflections can
feel odd. Acting is
_ Roger Ebert an unquantifiable
discipline and not
everyone seems right
doing it. But it may
not be entirely the fault of the actor, even
the best can be left floundering by a lack of
rehearsal time, miscasting, poor direction or,
as is often the case with those who crop up
in this book, a propensity to be drunk all the
time. But, if we're honest, it’s usually just a
lack of talent. Bad movies are full of people
 Some people just
ul e
crave bad movies.”
-Don Dohler
Depending on our sense of humour there
can be a fine line between incredulity and
delight. There could also be a defence
mechanism at play. A performance so wrong
that it threatens our concept of what's
normal might make us want to distance
ourselves from it. By laughing we're denying
it respect, making it safe. It's a reflex, like
our pupils narrowing in bright light. But
the main reason we laugh is undoubtedly
Schadenfreude. Whether we want to admit
it or not, humans can derive a sense of
satisfaction from the failure of others. Most
of us like to think we're intelligent, capable
people. Watching supposed professionals
do something badly can invigorate our
ego. We feel clever for having identified
their failure and emboldened by the belief
we could have done better (we couldn't). It’s
all subconscious, but these movies make us
feel smart. | call it Adam Sandler Syndrome.
It may not seem like an admirable human
quality, but then nor is being Adam Sandler.
The Alien Factor
It's not fair to pick on actors alone when
incompetence can swamp a bad movie's
frame like dry ice filling in for a set. In
terms of our response as viewers, writing
is perhaps closest to acting. Nonsense
dialogue, inconsistent characterization,
illogical plot progression, ridiculous
scenarios... they all provide the same sort
of amusement. Technical disciplines are no
different. We have an innate understanding
of how a shot should be lit, framed and
blocked, how the camera should move, the
rhythm we should find in the editing. They
may be concepts we struggle to define
and articulate, but we know when they're
done wrong. Many such shortcomings are
the result of a tight budget. But talented
filmmakers always seem to attract talented
collaborators, and together they are able to
find solutions to budget-related problems.
In a similar way, untalented filmmakers
always seem to attract Reb Brown and
fumble budget-related problems. »

Ninja III: The Domination
Incompetence is the bread and butter of the
worst bad movies but it’s not for everyone.
More universally appreciated is cheese.
Good old-fashioned corniness. On one
hand it’s the trigger for a sense of nostalgic
satisfaction. Fondly appreciated traits are
filed away in the back of our brains, from
where they prompt a warm, familiar feeling
whenever we recognize them in a movie. If
these clichés are used excessively we can
also enjoy them ironically. They take many
forms: a too-obvious attempt at a James
Bond style one-liner; an improbable karate
manoeuvre that floors the villain; a character
we thought dead sweeping in to vanquish
the zombies at the last possible moment.
Cheese is like a gateway drug on the
unsuspecting. It drip-feeds endorphins from
the brain's bad movie cortex straight into
our corn gratification receptacles. Grease,
“Ninja III distils the 80s
down into diamond-hard
pellets, dumps them into a
shotgun, and unloads both
barrels right in your face.”
-Rob Vaux
Rocky IV, Dirty Dancing and other joyfully
hackneyed movies are on the cusp of being
definable as good-bad, they either don’t go
quite far enough or are just too well made.
Consider them entry level.
Excess can be important, too. Good-bad
movies are usually low budget genre affairs:
horror, sci-fi and action being the mainstays.
These movies have a clearly defined remit:
action movies need to be exciting, horror
movies need to be scary, etc. Big budget
or small, good or bad, genre movies have
specific boxes that require ticking. But if, for
example, a good gothic horror uses a quill
dipped in red ink to elegantly demonstrate
its achievements on vintage parchment,
its good-bad equivalent will wipe a
dismembered, blood-soaked arm across a
sheet of printer paper and then beat us to
death with the wet end. That applies to all
areas in all genres, but particularly horror and
action. For a good-bad movie, the stupider
and more extreme the better. Perhaps we
respond to such exaggerated nonsense
because we feel we've seen something we
shouldn't, or because we're surprised at the
extent of what's just happened. Either way
the effect is compounded by the sense we've
formed an alliance with both the filmmakers
and everyone in the room with us. By sharing
in excessive (therefore outsider) tastes, we
identify each other as belonging to the same
niche clique. Anyone can enjoy a battle of
wits between a vigilante and the criminal
who wronged him. Not so Charles Bronson
blowing away scumbags with an elephant
gun. That's an acquired taste. Fight scenes
so brutal even the bystanders should be in
hospital, car chases that go on forever, gore
that seems to challenge the concept of human
decency... it’s all good in a good-bad movie.
Anaconda
“Anaconda is such a
classic combination of
feckless dramaturgy
and rampant excess
that giving way to
giggles is the only
sane response.”
-Kenneth Turan
Stupidity (or the filmmaker's assumption their
audience is stupid) is the hardest component
to distinguish because it's so often a crucial
element in the others. It’s wrapped up in
incompetence, cheese and excess to some
extent, but it's also an increasingly important
factor on its own. Many of the good-bad
movies of the new millennium have different
characteristics to those of earlier eras.
_ Previously a typical good-bad filmmaker
might have made do with friends as actors,
a single 16mm camera, enough negative for
one take per scene, and a couple of days on
a Moviola to edit the results. Such limited
resources have great potential to produce
amusing results. These days acting schools
churn out thousands of trained performers
every month, and they'll work for peanuts
to get footage for their demo reel. A quality
image can be achieved with affordable digital
cameras that allow for as many takes as you
need, and home editing software allows »
i
you to tinker away for as long as you like
shaping your opus. All this means the last
refuge of good-bad movies is increasingly
becoming stupidity. In other words, most
bad genre movies are no longer bad enough
to be good, but they can be stupid enough.
Aside from the occasional melodramatic
passion project from a delusional auteur,
these days good-bad movies are as likely
to be blockbusters that collapsed under the
weight of their studio's ridiculous decision-
making as they are incompetent B-movies.
If that criteria describes most bad movies,
then why are only a small percentage
of them so bad they're good? The term
suggests it's the extent of their shortcomings
Batman & Robin
that matters, which can certainly be the case
(see scale to the right), but isn't always. Firstly,
it's vital someone was trying. If you set out to
make a bad movie on purpose the result will
be wretched. Even more importantly it can’t
be boring. A good-bad movie is essentially
a bad movie that has something interesting
about it that keeps you engaged, for whatever
reasons. A movie can be extremely poorly
made and push the limits of taste into the
realm of the implausible. But if it’s boring
it isn’t going to be any fun. On the other
hand, if it's just a hectic stream of charmless,
disjointed set pieces, it isn't going to be
engaging, it's just going to be a Transformers
movie. And there’s nothing remotely fun
about that.
Using science, colours and Batman
we can demonstrate why an awful “Your franchise either dies a
movie can be more enjoyable hero or lives long enough to
than an average movie.
become the villain.”
-Batman... sort of

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BATMAN BATMAN BATMAN BATMAN

Batman v Superman and Batman & Robin

are, for the sake of argument, about equally
bad. The former's failings reside in a plot
that rings false, a too-earnest script and a
misjudged tone. The latter, however, is just
dumb as a bag of hammers. It's corny and
excessive rather than moody and sincere,
and that translates into ironic amusement.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
Period Covered
For a number of reasons this book focuses
on movies released since 1970. Earlier
good-bad classics like Plan 9 from Outer
Space and Robot Monster have been
part of popular culture for well over half a
century and are discussed in any number of
books. And for good reason, they're great.
Conversely, there are so many unheralded
gems from later (the VHS era in particular)
that it seems like there's a bottomless pit of
potential. Dozens of distributors are focused
on finding the next Miami Connection or
Samurai Cop. These distributors know the
modern audience for good-bad movies is
Plan 9 from Outer Space
14
-—
at least a generation removed from that
which first anointed Ed Wood a legend. We
grew up in video rental stores, not drive-in
theatres. We essentially learnt a different
language. If you look at even a good 50s
movie like Forbidden Planet, the acting
seems absurd, the effects are laughable,
the technical elements basic. You have to
recognize the context to appreciate it. If
you show it to a bunch of teenagers today
they'll laugh themselves silly (I've seen it
happen). In spite of it being a great movie
it strikes a lot of the notes you’d expect to
hear from a bad one made 30 years later.
“One is always
considered mad
when one perfects
something that .
others cannot
grasp.”
-Ed Wood
 “All of a sudden
| found myself
doing things like
Robot Monster
and |didn’t know
what the devil
was going on.”
-Elmer Bernstein
So it’s hard to put something like Plan 9 from
Outer Space alongside a modern movie like
Jupiter Ascending and judge them both by
the same criteria. Battle Beyond the Stars
may have been made nearly 40 years ago,
but it speaks the same language as the
Wachowski siblings’ Jovian catastrophe. The
dialect might have developed, but they can
still communicate with each other. | shudder
to think what they'd talk about. A sea change
in the style, tone and nature of genre movies
took place during the late 60s and 70s. The
collapse of the production code opened
the floodgates to gore, violence, nudity and
more. The public's interests and expectations
developed. And Hollywood is still dealing
in derivatives of a handful of movies that
changed cinema soon after. Star Wars, Jaws,
Halloween and others defined the template
that most genre movies still work to today.
Subsequent inspirations and innovations
amount to evolution, not revolution. The
VHS boom then created a plethora of fly-by-
night production companies that churned
out truckloads of good-bad fodder. Strip the
surface elements away and genre movies
haven't changed much since. Go back much
further and they're suddenly very different. »
15
The Issue of Sincerity
Key to the appeal of a good-bad movie
is the intention behind it. Essentially they
cannot be self-aware and someone has
to have tried to make a good movie. That
means tongue-in-cheek offerings like Flash
Gordon or Killer Klowns from Outer Space
don't qualify because they self-consciously
riff on camp appeal a little too much. But at
least they're great movies. There's nothing
worse than an intentionally bad movie, no
matter how cleverly calibrated it might be to
meet the good-bad ethos. It’s vital that there
was a sincere attempt to do the best work
possible. That means stuff like Octozooka
vs. Megaflamingo, and whatever else has
recently rolled off The Asylum's conveyor
belt of crap, is not included. There are a
Flash Gordon
handful of comedies but, just like any other
movie, it's crucial they have a significant
unintentional amusement element.
It can be hard to tell if a movie is taking
itself seriously or deliberately trying to be
good-bad (like the Sharknado series). Many
think Birdemic: Shock and Terror falls into
the latter camp. It doesn’t, but its sequel
might. That was made to capitalize on the
ironic appeal of the first movie, which is
why it's not as much fun. The only suspicious
example to make it into the book is After Last
Season. All | can do is make a judgement,
and | reckon it's real. Though, on balance,
| think | would prefer to live in a world in
which it wasn’t.
“In Flash Gordon
the tone is self-
aware... the actors
are all just playing
and we know it.”
John Clute
READER'S MANUAL

Scores
Each entry features a set of scores that rate . CHEESE: How derivative and corny the
specific aspects of the movie on a scale of movie is.
zero to ten. The higher the score the worse,
therefore funnier, the movie is in that respect. ACTING: A rough average that reflects the
standard of the performances. Dubbed
movies are hard to rate fairly, as are
movies with a spectrum of acting talent,
so don't take it to heart.
(Ay 22 eee 7 EXCESS: How over-the-top the key
ACTING. 9 exploitation elements of the movie are. In
iy cde a horror that means gore, for other genres
ER OESS een 5 it could be nudity, violence, dancing or
INEPTITUDE... 8 ee ee
INEPTITUDE: The level of incompetence
exhibited. This usually refers to technical
elements like editing and camerawork,
but can also mean creative disciplines,
particularly screenwriting and directing.

BNIB Rating WHAT?: The What? Factor reflects the

In addition to the score card, each entry movie's propensity to offer up moments of
has an overall rating reflecting the general baffling wonder. Crazy decisions, profound
level of amusement ee ae Ra. stupidity and miscellaneous oddities.
ty,% Anything that makes you laugh because

eff
|

25
Dy
= you can't believe it just happened.

M ~

In August 2016, the journal Poetics published
the first academic study of the so bad it's
good phenomenon: ‘Enjoying trash films:
Underlying features, viewing stances, and
experiential response dimensions' (from the
Max Planck Institute for Empirical Aesthetics
in Frankfurt, Germany). If you worry that you
are pursuing an imbecilic hobby, consider
these words on the nature of bad movie fans.
"Enjoyment of trash films is linked to
high intelligence... We are dealing here
with an audience with above-average
education, which one could describe as
‘cultural omnivores’. Such viewers are
interested in a broad spectrum of art and
media across the traditional boundaries
of high and popular culture."
Death Wish 3
 Gymkata
Miami Connection
Do or Die
Ninja III: The Domination
Nick Fury: Agent of Shield
Drunken Wu Tang
For Y’ur Height Only
Laser Mission
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
Terror in Beverly Hills
Death Wish 3
Fantasy Mission Force
The Intruder
The Ultimate Ninja
Samurai Cop
High Kicks
Challenge of the Tiger
Fist of the Vampire
Hot Potato
Deadly Prey
Death Machines

ACTION
Delta Force 2
Who Killed Captain Alex?
The Divine Enforcer
Raw Force
 GYMKATA
1985 - 90mins - USA/Japan

| know what you’re thinking: ‘I love

Enter the Dragon but there's too much
Bruce Lee and not enough gymnastics.’
Apparently Hollywood was of the same
opinion. Twelve years after directing
Lee’s seminal masterpiece, Robert Clouse
did what we'd all been hoping for and
reworked the movie's plot to include more
pommel horse.

In sinister Parmistan, a brutal despot holds

a deadly tournament for the world's best
warriors. For some convoluted reason
it’s essential that an American wins, and
the decision is made to send gymnast
Jonathan Cabot (Thomas) as the soul US
representative. Presumably nobody with
actual fight experience was available.

‘The skill of gymnastics. The kill of karate!’

The fact Gymkata delivers on such an
awesome tagline is quite remarkable. By the
mid 80s Clouse’s string of mediocre genre
movies had pretty much proved Enter the
Dragon was a fluke. In 1980's The Big Brawl
he had even managed to make Jackie Chan
look dull. Having since gone deaf, it’s hard
to imagine how the idea of him helming a
DIRECTOR
martial arts movie starring a gymnast with no
Robert Clouse experience of acting or martial arts can have
filled the MGM executives with confidence.
STARRING While not a complete disaster at the box
Kurt Thomas office (it made a little under $6 million, less
than a comparable Chuck Norris vehicle, but
Tetchie Agbayani enough to cover its budget) the movie's true
Richard Norton value has only become fully appreciated with
Buck ‘Mel’ Kartalian the benefit of time. And irony.
Edward Bell
It's not fair to blame Clouse. Being deaf
he couldn't have known how dreadful Kurt
Thomas's line readings were. | don’t know
how much screen presence it's fair to expect
of a gymnast, but his performance would

20
 (a1 a) Se eae 8
disappoint no matter how low you set the
parallel bar. When not shoehorning his ACTING! oi os 74
routines into every scene (whether fighting EXCESS, ge 5
or flirting, extravagant jumping is the basis
of his technique) he spends the movie INEPTITUDE... 5
in comical sweaters gazing doe-eyed at WHAT?.
things he doesn’t seem to recognize (actors,
scenery, the camera). He looks so lost you
just want to give him a cuddle.

For the first hour things skip along in an

entertaining manner. Richard Norton brings
the credibility as Zamir, henchman to the
nefarious Kahn (Mel Brooks, | think, but don’t
quote me). Given Thomas's limited technical Kurt Thomas fulfilled all the promise
prowess it might have been wise to give demonstrated in his debut and never
Norton more screen time. Those familair starred in a movie again. Needless to say
with his work will know what he can do, but he was a real gymnastics world champion
aside from a dazzling routine with a pair of and is considered the greatest American
sai his fight skills are underused. At least he male gymnast of all time. He looked set to
segways into lead walk the 1980 Olympics until the US pulled
villain duties, out for political reasons. Nevertheless he
the producers became something of a star in his field and
“Do not hear the eventually
realizing Mel
went on to a career in sports commentary. To
Gymkata fans he will always be the guy who
wood split. Hear Brooks isn’t chats up a princess by doing backflips in tiny
little shorts. »
only the sound of intimidating even
when dressed
axe cutting air. like a Mongol.

Read the air itself. Things get

It has much say surprisingly
" strange in
fo you. the final act.
Attempting
to evade his
captors, Cabot
winds up in the town where Parmistan
houses its mentally ill. There’s a genuinely
scary air about the place with its menacing
architecture and bands of crazies roaming the
streets in search of our hero. Luckily Cabot
is never far from some sort of gymnastics
apparatus, and his propensity to fling himself
about on it is matched only by the locals’
propensity to wander into his flailing limbs.

21
 GYMKATA
1985 - 90mins - USA/Japan

| know what you're thinking: ‘I love

Enter the Dragon but there's too much
Bruce Lee and not enough gymnastics.’
Apparently Hollywood was of the same
opinion. Twelve years after directing
Lee’s seminal masterpiece, Robert Clouse
did what we'd all been hoping for and
reworked the movie's plot to include more
pommel horse.

In sinister Parmistan, a brutal despot holds

a deadly tournament for the world's best
warriors. For some convoluted reason
it’s essential that an American wins, and
the decision is made to send gymnast
Jonathan Cabot (Thomas) as the soul US
representative. Presumably nobody with
actual fight experience was available.

‘The skill of gymnastics. The kill of karate!’

The fact Gymkata delivers on such an
awesome tagline is quite remarkable. By the
mid 80s Clouse’s string of mediocre genre
movies had pretty much proved Enter the
Dragon was a fluke. In 1980's The Big Brawl
he had even managed to make Jackie Chan
look dull. Having since gone deaf, it’s hard
DIRECTOR
to imagine how the idea of him helming a
martial arts movie starring a gymnast with no
Robert Clouse experience of acting or martial arts can have
filled the MGM executives with confidence.
STARRING While not a complete disaster at the box
Kurt Thomas office (it made a little under $6 million, less
than a comparable Chuck Norris vehicle, but
Tetchie Agbayani
enough to cover its budget) the movie's true
Richard Norton value has only become fully appreciated with
Buck ‘Mel’ Kartalian the benefit of time. And irony.
Edward Bell
It's not fair to blame Clouse. Being deaf
he couldn't have known how dreadful Kurt
Thomas's line readings were. | don’t know
how much screen presence it's fair to expect
of a gymnast, but his performance would

20
 (Arlt eee eee &
disappoint no matter how low you set the
parallel bar. When not shoehorning his ACTING SNe!yn
)5=i
routines into every scene (whether fighting RCE om rs a 5
or flirting, extravagant jumping is the basis
of his technique) he spends the movie INEPTITUDE... 5
in comical sweaters gazing doe-eyed at WHAT? 7
things he doesn’t seem to recognize (actors,
scenery, the camera). He looks so lost you
just want to give him a cuddle.

For the first hour things skip along in an

entertaining manner. Richard Norton brings
the credibility as Zamir, henchman to the
nefarious Kahn (Mel Brooks, | think, but don’t
quote me). Given Thomas's limited technical Kurt Thomas fulfilled all the promise
prowess it might have been wise to give demonstrated in his debut and never
Norton more screen time. Those familair starred in a movie again. Needless to say
with his work will know what he can do, but he was a real gymnastics world champion
aside from a dazzling routine with a pair of and is considered the greatest American
sai his fight skills are underused. At least he male gymnast of all time. He looked set to
segways into lead walk the 1980 Olympics until the US pulled
villain duties, out for political reasons. Nevertheless he
the producers became something of a star in his field and
“Do not hear the eventually
realizing Mel
went on to a career in sports commentary. To
Gymkata fans he will always be the guy who
wood split. Hear Brooks isn’t chats up a princess by doing backflips in tiny
intimidating even
only the sound of when dressed
little shorts. »

axe cutting air. like a Mongol.

Read the air itself. Things get

It has much say surprisingly
" strange in
fo you. the final act.
Attempting
to evade his
captors, Cabot
winds up in the town where Parmistan
houses its mentally ill. There's a genuinely
scary air about the place with its menacing
architecture and bands of crazies roaming the
streets in search of our hero. Luckily Cabot
is never far from some sort of gymnastics
apparatus, and his propensity to fling himself
about on it is matched only by the locals’
propensity to wander into his flailing limbs.
 Richard Norton has appeared in his
own action vehicles, played villain
to Jackie Chan and Chuck Norris
and starred in blockbusters like
Mad Max: Fury Road. Recently he’s
been training Scarlett Johansson
to fight for Ghost in the Shell. We
had a chat about Gymkata.
Are you aware of the cult
following Gymkata has
nowadays?
I'm not, no. How do you know
about that? And why?
| first heard about it maybe
12 years ago on a podcast
called Filmspotting. It's hard
to describe the appeal but it’s
entertaining and charming. There’s also a
lot of stuff done badly in a funny way.
It's kind of amusing to hear that. | look at
some of the movies | did in the 80s and
it gives me a chuckle because they're so
dated but you're right, there's a particular
charm about that time and especially the
smaller budget ones. They were just fun
to do because everyone kicks in and does
whatever's possible to make it the best they
can. They're my fondest memories of those
sorts of movies in the Philippines, Thailand,
Hong Kong. It was a great time.
CG and other elements have spoiled that.
I'm well aware the style of action has gone
up a notch with CG and wirework but it's got
no soul. | was working on Ghost in the Shell
and Scarlett Johansson set up a screening
of Captain America: Civil War but | was left
cold. You can’t fault the staging of all the
action but what's obvious to me is it's too
perfect, which is unrealistic, and it’s done by
stunt doubles with (CGI) face replacement.
It's just so clinical. In the 80s we did our own
22
Gt
ye ard Norton, Kurt Thomas and Fred Weintraub
stunts and it might be a little rough around
the edges but at least it had a real feel to it.
The antithesis of that must be the Hong
Kong movies you made with Jackie,
Sammo and co. | re-watched City Hunter
recently and the fight scenes are amazing.
Another reason for that is the time that was
spent on a fight. Jackie made it clear to me
the first time we worked together that his
fans don't care about talking heads, they're
here to see the action and they appreciate a
fight that’s 30 minutes long. That final fight
| did with Jackie in City Hunter took six and
a half weeks to shoot, and it was 18 hours
a day on set. You're talking about Gymkata
and | think we shot that whole movie in four
and a half weeks! Freddy Weintraub (the
producer) told me they wanted to make Kurt
into an American Jackie Chan and they said
they'd spend two to three days on the fight
at the end in the forest. I'd keep beating him
down and then he’d finally pull out some
gymnastics moves and beat me. | said “three
days, that's good”, but then they ended up
shooting it in three and a half hours. There’s
even a shot where you see me running out of
a scene because the sun was coming down,
they wanted to move to where there was still
some light so we could finish it!
I think one of the reasons fans like it is
Kurt does all these flowery gymnastics
moves that don’t seem to have much
purpose, and he’s juxtaposed with you
doing kind of brutal, proper martial arts.
They wanted contrast because, as | said, they
wanted to create the American Jackie Chan.
The problem is there are scenes like the one
where he runs into the courtyard and it's so
obvious there's a bloody pommel horse! We
tried to allude to the idea it was used to tie
guts up but it was a pommel horse! It wasn’t
supposed to be like that. What | pointed
out to Fred and the producers was the
Hong Kong guys could do those gymnastics
moves on any surface, anywhere, under any
condition. Kurt needed flat, perfect, almost
gymnasium-like conditions to do anything,
hence it looks kind of funny.
Did Kurt have any fight experience?
| trained him for a while but it was hard
work because some people just know how
to throw a punch and some don't. It was
interesting because there's nobody better at
using their body weight and strength than
a gymnast. But it's a very particular set of
skills. It’s like how you can be a long distance
runner and get in a swimming pool and be
exhausted after two laps. With Kurt it was
very difficult teaching him actual fight stuff
and as the choreographer you're very limited
by what that person can do, that’s how you
end up with what you end up with, we didn’t
have a double for him. When | look at it it’s
funny, but there is a certain charm. | went
to Florida where he and his troupe used to
have a gymnastics show at Sea World * and
I'd go in and watch these kids do their power
tumbling and the expertise and ability they
had is extraordinary, as is Kurt's, so you have
to take your hat off in that regard. What's
different with Jackie and Sammo is they went
to the Peking Opera School and learned how
and are able to combine the whole lot. That's
why they’re so good at what they do and can
perform like gymnasts but still be believable
as fighters.
What was the actual shoot like, I've never
heard about it?
It was shot in what’s now Yugoslavia and it
was a fantastic experience to be there. We
were a bit limited in terms of what the stunt
guys could do but Kurt was great, | don’t
want to disparage him it’s just that his fighting
ability was limited. You realize you can’t just
teach someone to become a martial artist in
a matter of a few weeks of prep, but it was a
fun time and a great experience. | must have
another look at it, | haven't seen in in years.
Do it, you won't be disappointed!
* Thanks to the magic of YouTube we can
enjoy Kurt's troupe performing to a medley
of Broadway hits on the Sea World stage.
te
pss>
~ ~
tig
ytttttt
\
 MIAMI CONNECTION
1987 - 83mins - USA

Miami Connection is the solitary cinematic

endeavour of inspirational speaker and
one time Jackie Chan wannabe Y.K. Kim.
After a chance meeting on a Korean talk
show, Kim teamed with filmmaker Park
Woo-Sang intending to craft one of the
most ambitious martial arts epics of the
era. | guess.

Righteous taekwondo rock band Dragon

Sound (fronted by Kim, even though he
neither sings nor plays) aims to rid the streets
of drug dealing motorcycle ninjas. Adding to
the layers of dramatic resonance are subplots
involving a search for the long lost father of
Dragon Sound keyboardist Jim (Smith), and
a controversial romance between bassist
John (Hirsch) and local girl Jane (Collier), the
sister of ninja chief Jeff (Ergle).

Although Miami Connection apparently

saw a limited cinematic release in 1988,
it failed to make the splash Kim had
assumed. All that changed in 2009 when a
print fell into the hands of a buyer at The
Alamo Drafthouse, a Texas-based cinema
DIRECTORS chain and distribution company with a
Park Woo-Sang particular interest in off-beat genre cinema.
Y.K. Kim Recognizing the film immediately as an
unheralded masterpiece of the so bad it’s
good school of moviemaking, a deal was
STARRING struck with Kim and his opus was unleashed
Y.K. Kim on the public once more. In the years since,
Vincent Hirsch it has become essential viewing among the
burgeoning community of movie masochists
William Ergle
who can’t get enough of this sort of thing.
Kathy Collier
Maurice Smith

“We could write another taekwondo

song, and after Tom does one of his
guitar solos we could all break boards.”
24
It starts out like a real
movie. We see a drug
deal go bad before
being treated to a
surprisingly endearing
live show from Dragon
Sound. Production values
appear passable and
the technical aspects
are fairly inoffensive.
Then, at about the
15-minute mark, reality
turns inside out. The
editor has some sort of breakdown and while Jim, who becomes distressed whenever
he’s taken to hospital we're left watching mail is mentioned. With bandmate placated
two non-professional actors improvising (and audience wide-eyed in disbelief) Mark
an argument and grappling clumsily on and the gang take their shirts off and drive
the floor. Just as we're getting reoriented around for some reason. From there it all
it happens: Y.K. Kim arrives on screen and gets a bit confusing. There’s something
does acting. In the pantheon of terrible about a street thug rock band that want
performances there's a special pedestal set Dragon Sound's spot at what seems to be
aside for Kim's portrayal of Mark. He doesn’t the only club
have the bizarre eeriness of Tommy Wiseau in Miami, and
or the batshit craziness of Nicolas Cage. He’s the Romeo &
just quietly fucking terrible. He seems to be Juliet subplot “He's in there every
speaking his lines phonetically, and when gets out of
those lines possess all the inherent grace hand for a night with his damn
and self-awareness of Kanye West lyrics, it’s while. Things gang selling that
the last thing you need. After defusing an pick up in the
argument by being incomprehensible, Mark's finale when stupid cocaine.”
next big scene comes when he must comfort ninja Jeff is
unable to
overcome
Mark's powerful TKD technique, and they
all end up running around in a park hacking
each other up with swords. It's as if the ending
to a very different movie was accidentally
spliced on.

Undeniably grizzly finale aside, Miami

10 Connection is an extremely positive movie
CHEESE... that preaches tolerance and the need to
10
ACTING... accept people from all walks of life. Unless
7 they're drug dealing motorcycle ninjas.
EXCESS...
° 9
INEPTITUDE......----
10
WHAT?....-r
25
 DO OR DIE
1991 - 97mins - USA

Ever thought how great a James Bond

movie directed by Russ Meyer on the set
of Magnum P.I. would be? Andy Sidaris is
way ahead of you.

Donna and Nicole (Speir and Vasquez), a

pair of elite Special Agents with a profound
animosity for meaningful clothing, are
cornered by international crime lord Mr
Miyagi (Morita). He warns them they are too
close to discovering his secrets and so they
must be killed. But not now. At some point in
the future. The race is on for the girls to get
somewhere or do something.

Writer/director Andy Sidaris cornered the

boobs and bazookas market in the 80s with
a series of almost identical ‘action’ movies
pitting Playboy bunnies against cartoon
villains. Just as we do Ed Wood a disservice
when we focus solely on his standard
bearing Plan 9 from Outer Space, we run the
risk of reducing Sidaris down to his best-
known work, Hard Ticket to Hawaii. There’s
absolutely nothing wrong with that movie
(just as there isn’t Malibu Express, Savage
Beach, Picasso Trigger and the rest of his
minor masterpieces) but | feel obliged to
DIRECTOR
try and share the love around the less well
Andy Sidaris known entries in his catalogue, and Do or
Die is seriously overlooked.
STARRING
Dona Speir It might be the 1990s but it’s the same old
Andy. In the opening scene one of the lead
Roberta Vasquez
topless model-cum-secret agents injures her
Pat Morita ankle kung fu fighting a bad guy, and must
Erik Estrada retire to a hot tub in order to tend it. Before
Cynthia Brimhall long the girls are up and off on a strangely
cyclical mission to escape from, capture, or
kill Mr Miyagi (it’s not very clear what their
objective is). It’s cyclical because, by this
stage, Sidaris has reduced his formula to a
15-minute sequence that he simply repeats

26
 “My wife Arlene uses all of these
fancy words like ‘motivation’ and
CHEESEI fee 8 ‘story’. Where the fuck did you
ACTING.......2 ee 9 bos learn those words? |couldn’t spell
9 .w ty, ‘story’ if you spotted me the ‘s’
EXCESS
INEPTITUDE. ....----
8 2 and the ‘t’, for chrissakes,”
-Andy Sidaris

six times: the girls change clothes; take
a vehicle somewhere to get something;
evade the bad guys who intercept them;
hop in the hot tub; rinse and repeat. It's like
a video game. Do or Die’s only down side is
that each cycle slips in footage of Mr Miyagi
getting it on with his assistant. Nobody
needs to see a naked Pat Morita rubbing
breasts, you'll never be able to watch him
wax on and wax off again.
Sadly Sidaris passed away in 2007 without
getting his comeback movie, Battlezone
Hawaii, off the ground. But he lives on
through his work and in the spirit of every
fleshploitation film and TV series of the last
30 years (his movies adorned the shelves of
the Baywatch production office).

With that simple structure strong enough to

support any silly crap Sidaris wants to hang
from it, there’s no end to the comedy gold.
We're introduced to a steady flow of Secret
Agents, each more buxom and naked than
the last. It’s as if Sidaris is seeing how far he
can push it before we throw our arms up in
the air and collapse laughing. All this can
leave the action a little stilted. At one point
a foot chase through a forest on a remote,
deserted island ends with the baddie
crashing through a huge sheet of glass. In a
city backstreet it might make sense. But in
the middle of nowhere? The best moment is
hard to pick, as it should be in a movie that
features both ninjas and dune buggies. But
Erik Estrada pitching an exploding baseball
at a thug who's using a shotgun for a bat
must be up there (“Bastard hit my best
pitch! Should have thrown him a slider.”)
 NINJA II:
THE DOMINATION
1984 - 92mins - USA

The final installment in Cannon Film's HE’S THE ULTIMATE KILLER

Ninja trilogy drops the ‘realism’ of its SHE’S THE PERFECT WEAPON
predecessors and applies a top coat of
supernatural hokum. Everyone benefits.

When an evil, supernatural ninja assassin is

killed by police, his spirit enters the body of
telephone engineer and aerobics instructor
Christie (Dickey). Under its influence,
she seeks out and murders the officers
responsible for the ninja’s death. Things get
complicated when she starts a relationship
with one of the cops, Billy Secord (Bennett),
and good ninja Yamada (Kosugi) turns up to
investigate what's going on.

Cannon's canon of ninja movies is

SI NS A m \
notoriously confused. They began in 1981
with Enter the Ninja, improbably casting non
English-speaking, non ninja-being Franco
Nero in the lead. THE DOMINATION.
The unrelated wi
THE CANNON G RestaINC nis vis SHO KOSUGI © LUCINDA DICKEY = JORDAN BENNETT
GOL AN-GGL. *SAM FIRSTE NBI RG winNINJA TIT y HANANIA BAER

“Only a ninja Revenge of the iN} i HAEL J. DUTHIE. i TDAVID WOMARK AMES R. SILKE
"t MENAHEM GOLAN YOR: AM GLOBUS" SAM FIRSTENBERG

: Peat, Ninja followed €@CANNON DO [eocey stereo)"

can kill a ninja. in 1983, giving

Sh6 Kosugi his
first leading role DIRECTOR
(interestingly Sam Firstenberg
this may be the first time any Asian actor
received sole top billing in an American
movie). Both are great B-movies but it’s not
STARRING
until Ninja Ill: The Domination that the series Lucinda Dickey
hits its high water mark. Shé Kosugi
Jordan Bennett
The opening scene has become the stuff
of legend. For ten minutes the Black Ninja
David Chung
(David Chung - dressed in green) marauds James Hong
across a golf course murdering scores of
police with throwing stars, swords, blow
pipe and anything else that comes to hand.
At one point he leaps into a flying police
helicopter to kill the pilot. By the time he

28
finally disappears into
a puff of ninja smoke
he’s taken out six
civilians and at least
25 police officers
in one of the most
interminable action
scenes imaginable.
Before succumbing
to his hundreds of
bullet wounds, he
hands his sword to
the first person he can
find: our protagonist,
Christie. The police
are pretty relaxed
about investigating
the incident so let
her keep the sword.
Unfortunately for
her it's some sort of
conduit through which the spirit of the Black a gang of rapists by herself. Finally he has
Ninja can pass into its new host body. If you a tantrum when she snubs him for the fifth
can't trust a dying supernatural ninja assassin time. But it seems the stalking, harassing and
to give you something nice, who can you sulking have laid some strong groundwork
trust? Officer Secord, who started sexually because losing his temper finally melts her
harassing Christie when she came in to be heart and they immediately have sex. During
interviewed, joins her aerobics class so he can the following night the sword is blown
sexually harass her there too. Afterwards he out of Christie’s closet on fishing wire by a
stands and watches as she tries to fight off wind machine, and the accompanying light
show wakes her up. Apparently this is her
being possessed (or dominated, if we go
by the title. | can’t help but think someone
in marketing confused the two words). She

“
g
p’ heads out to take revenge and finds one
of her targets in a Jacuzzi with two women.
I'm not sure kicking back in a sex pond with
7) Playboy bunnies is what junior policemen
typically do after work, but | guess it makes
7
ae CHEESE... this one unsympathetic enough to be
6
ACTING... slaughtered by our hero. This sort of stuff
7 goes on for a while until Secord and Yamada
EXCESS...ceccr come up with a plan to extract the Black
- 5
INEPTITUDE.......------- Ninja from Christie and beat him up. This
6 all has to be done in the ninja temple, but
WHAT?.....-- re luckily it’s just up the road. »

29
 Much of the entertainment value in Ninja III
stems from it trying to be everything at once.
Cannon loved a fad they could exploit and
had just debuted Dickey in Breakin’, their first
foray into the briefly lucrative street dance
trend (a few weeks after Ninja III's release she
would star in Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo).
By casting her in this, and having her perform
dance aerobics, Cannon were clearly trying
to inject a bit of breakdancing cool into the
already cluttered possession/ninja/thriller
concoction they were brewing. Bennett's
Secord is an even stranger presence though.
He seems to think he’s in a sitcom. Casting
him as a romantic lead is unfathomable.
Their sex scene, which involves the liberal
application of V8 juice to Christie's body as
some sort of foreplay, is excruciating. Kosugi,
though, is great. He’s earnest as hell and
genuinely entertaining to watch, whether
chewing up the scenery or dispensing some
top-drawer asskickery.
30
Sam Firstenberg (above) directed many
Cannon classics and spoke to me about his
experiences helming Ninja Ill.
You were closely associated with Cannon
for most of your career. How did you first
meet Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus
[the enigmatic cousins who ran Cannon]?
| met Menahem when | was a film student at
Columbia in 1972. By then he was the most
famous filmmaker in Israel, a household name.
Like every other Israeli, | had seen his Hebrew
movies. He had just arrived in Hollywood
with his cousin Yoram Globus. At a New Years
Eve party | found myself in the room with
him and learned that he was about to start
production on Lepke starring Tony Curtis.
| expressed my desire to be part of it, or
more exactly, just to be around. Learning
that | was willing to work even without a
salary, | was invited to join the production
the next day. For the next few years | worked
for Golan and Globus off and on as general
office runner, second assistant director, and
finally my first AD job.
How did Ninja Ill come about?
After the release of Revenge of the Ninja
Menahem wanted to produce another but
with a female hero as the lead. This time Shd
Kosugi was given a secondary role, but he
insisted that women did not receive ninjitsu
training and have no strength for all the ninja
action. We had to come up with a solution. |
had just seen the movie Poltergeist and was
very impressed so, in its spirit, |came up
with the idea that the main character will be
possessed by a dead ninja. We also threw in
some elements from The Exorcist.

Speaking of Shé Kosugi, he found his feet

as an action star in your early movies.
What was he like to work with?

Sh6 is an accomplished martial artist. He

was also a teacher (sensei) with a group of
dedicated students. When we first met we
hit it off right away. | didn't know anything
about martial arts so | rather adopted Shé
as my teacher and gave him the necessary
respect. In return he accepted me as
the director and the final authority on all
cinematic matters. This mutual respect and
appreciation lead to a friendship later on. 2 ;
Shooting the golf course sequence
Was the opening golf course sequence
always intended to be as large scale as
it is in the final movie? | count 31 killings
by the Black Ninja! segment of it, the stunt coordinator, Steve
Lambert, and | would entice each other to
Well, when we started to film this scene most be as creative and elaborate as we could
of the action elements were in place but within our limited budget. That's how we
as we moved on with the filming, in every got to 31 killings.

| have to ask about the V8 juice.

Was it tongue-in-cheek or the only
thing available?

Of course it was kind of tongue-

in-cheek, it was not an accident
but at that time it was a popular
drink in the US for health nuts and
was accompanied by a funny TV
ad campaign. So Lucinda, Jordan
(Bennett aka Officer Secord) and
| decided to go a little bit kooky
and use the V8 instead of the usual
chocolate or alcoholic drink that you
see in other movies.

3]
 NICK FURY:
AGENT OF SHIELD
1998 - 100mins - USA

Who needs Sam Jackson when you've got

David Hasselhoff? No really.

After crushing HYDRA and its evil

mastermind Baron Wolfgang von Strucker
(Campbell Lane), Nick Fury (Hasselhoff) has
retired to a mineshaft somewhere in North
America. But when von Strucker's equally
evil and mastermindish daughter Andrea
(Hess) comes up with a plot to release a
deadly pathogen into the atmosphere, Nick
is persuaded to return to duty.

This might not be one for the more earnest

comic book fans. | don’t know for sure
but I’m guessing the guy from Baywatch
isn't who most of them pictured managing
The Avengers. Anyone wanting to take
this thing seriously will be disappointed
almost immediately when we're introduced
to Fury, who is in
exile, swinging a
pickaxe at the wall
of an abandoned DIRECTOR
“Relax kid I'm mineshaft. A whole Rod Hardy
just blowing review could look at
smoke up your just this introductory
scene. Why is Nick
STARRING

hoo-ha.” Fury swinging a

David Hasselhoff
pickaxe at the wall Lisa Rinna
of an abandoned Sandra Hess
mineshaft? Is Neil Roberts
he really mining something? Right at
the entrance? Do people still mine with
Garry Chalk
pickaxes? And whose mine is it anyway? No
matter, we're soon off and away when Nick
is convinced to return to his directorship

32

of S.H.1.E.L.D. (or Shield, as it sometimes is
here), and is almost immediately infected
with a deadly virus that Andrea von Strucker
aka Viper plans to use to kill mankind. This
is good news because it allows for lots of
exchanges like this:
Pincer: “Damn it Fury what do you think
you're doing, you're endangering the
mission!”
Fury: “You're talking to a dead man Pincer, |
got nothing to lose.”
It's fair to say the budget, resources and
effort that went into Nick Fury: Agent of
Shield were limited. But it’s good natured,
rich in corniness rather than incompetence,
and much more fun than the grandiose
pomposity of the current Marvel Cinematic
Universe movies. Something Hasselhoff
frequently reminds all and sundry. It’s also
amusing to consider how it's essentially the
blueprint for the TV series 24. It starts with
the disgraced head of a counter terrorism
agency in hiding. But his personal connection
Contessa: “Nick, |thought you
were dead.”
Fury: “I was, but now I’m
better.”
to some new super-terrorist means he must
be found and persuaded to return to duty,
whereupon he butts heads with his superiors
and immediately goes rogue. He receives a
supposedly fatal dose of poison and must
race against the clock to uncover the
traitors in his own organization, and discover
the whereabouts of foreign terrorists before
they can unleash a deadly virus on America.
Kiefer Sutherland channeled that schlock
into a Golden Globe, what happened to the
Hoff's parade?
 DRUNKEN WU TANG
1984 - 95mins - Hong Kong

| recently found the notes | made during

Za0ISM DRUNKARBE my initial viewing of this little seen kung
sx BEC fu comedy. They go like this: “A man reads
a woman’s palm and tells her she has the
dead husband line. She leaves and... What
the hell? Fuck me! No. No. STOP IT!” And
then nothing.

An alcoholic kung fu wizard in a wicker

bumper car seeks a magical book guarded
by a supernatural watermelon monster.

Like a psychopath projecting their stream,

of consciousness directly into your brain,
Drunken Wu Tang is disorienting and wrong.
During the frenzied opening scene, if you
turn the TV up really loud and focus like a
laser on the screen, you can experience a
transcendental sense of being on the edge
of something infinite. It’s incoherent to the
point of being oppressive. You know you're
watching something incomprehensible when
yp Lo Wei Motion Picture Co., Ltd.
you find yourself craning to get closer to
the screen, as if improved proximity might
help you figure out what's happening. With
Drunken Wu Tang | found myself pacing
the room, subconsciously trying to find
DIRECTOR
an angle that might facilitate some sort
Cheung-Yan Yuen of understanding. At the halfway mark |
realized my index finger had been hovering
STARRING over the stop button on the DVD remote
Cheung-Yan Yuen the whole time. Some sort of subconscious
safety measure, | guess.
Yat Chor Yuen
Shun-Yee Yuen To be fair, it settles down a little after the
Hai-Ling Chu alarmingly discombobulating opening. You
can just about begin to get a sense of who's
good and who's bad. There seems to be a
humorous intention, but three decades on
and after it's been translated and dubbed, it's
hard to second-guess anything. This really is
one of the most intense movies l've seen.

34
There are numerous surreal touches applied
to the characters, with each seeming to
have a signature fighting style. The villain,
Old Devil, has a set of magic balls that
follow his command. Another (apparantly
nameless) character sports sharp quills
protruding from his spine and favours a
combat technique that involves jumping in
the air and landing on people back-first. Our
sort of main character, the Monk Ratface,
prefers drunkenly mowing down foes in his
straw go-kart. Shining Knight can withdraw
his head and limbs into his body like a turtle.
And finally Fat Chick (whoever came up “Wow! The Watermelon Monster.”
with the English language names wasn’t as
imaginative as the filmmakers) pirouettes
before deliberately falling on her adversaries
and hammering them into the ground. They
all rattle around a vague plot involving a
virgin boy's attempts to snatch a magic book by various weird devices and a groin-
for his grandmother (so obviously a man biting monster. If the nature of this fabled
in drag that it must be intended for us to document is ever explained | must have
realize, though I’ve no idea why) protected missed it.

| tend to believe good-bad movies need

to have some sort of identifiable structure.
Individual scenes can be nonsensical and,
generally speaking, narrative craziness is
entertaining. But when there's nothing at all
to grasp on to we end up adrift. No matter
how funny it is it’s hard to stay engaged for
90 minutes when you don’t know what's
going on. But because of their extraordinary
density and pace, Hong Kong kung fu
CHEESE..........00
movies seem able to sidestep the issue,
and Drunken Wu Tang does so marvellously.
ACTING... i There’s always something going on, always
EXCESS.......0cce 9
some new curiosity to puzzle over.

INEPTITUDE......------- 7
0 10
WHAT?......0ee

35
 FOR Y’UR HEIGHT ONLY
1981 - 88mins - Philippines

as At the inaugural Manila International Film

agent 3/2 Festival in 1982, up-and-coming action
hero Ernesto de la Cruz exploded onto
the global movie scene. He had featured
in just a handful of domestic productions,
and his career would soon be over. But for
a few days that January, For Y’ur Height
Only made the 2ft 9 dwarf better known
as Weng Weng one of the biggest stars on
the planet.

Professor Kohler (Mike Cohen), inventor of the

devastating N-Bomb, has been kidnapped by
the villainous Mr Giant (?), who plans to use
the device to hold the world to ransom. Only
super-spy martial arts expert, and ladies’ man,
Agent 00 (Weng Weng) can stop him.

Record keeping in early 80s Filipino cinema

was so sketchy, and Weng Weng's stardom
so brief, that it’s difficult to know for sure how
executive producer directed by
PETER M.CABALLES -EDDIE NICART many movies he appeared in. Only three are
easily available in the West, and they’re all
essential viewing. For Y’ur Height Only is the
DIRECTOR most successful and, in spite (or more likely
because) of the absurd dubbing, probably the
Eddie Nicart
most enjoyable. It's an upbeat Bond spoof
with a sharp sense of humour and captivating
STARRING lead performance. Describing a movie as so
Weng Weng bad it's good has never felt so cynical, but it’s
Beth Sandoval impossible to deny that its deficiencies bring
a lot of additional amusement to the table.
Rodolfo Garcia
Anna Marie Gutierrez Discovered in the mid 70s by roguish Filipino
Tony Ferrer producer Peter Caballes and his wife Cora,
Weng Weng was whisked from his family
home and taken to Manila, where he lodged
with Peter and Cora while making his name
in the movie business. After a breakout role
playing the sidekick to popular comedian
Dolphy in 1980's The Quick Brown Fox, he
was handed the lead in For Y‘ur Height Only,
and invited to become a legend.

36
Anna: “Are you a sexual animal?”
00: “I don’t know.”
The movie itself is gleefully silly, blending
Three Stooges slapstick with copious kung
fu bust-ups and action scenes that make
you fear for the lives of the stunt doubles,
not to mention Weng Weng himself, who
didn't have one. He's constantly dashing
somewhere, jumping off something or
kicking somebody. Usually in the balls.
Remarkably for a character cast for his
novelty value, Weng Weng owns the movie.
His energy, charm and screen presence are
responsible for 90% of what makes it work.
It's easy to see why Australian filmmaker and
Weng enthusiast Andrew Leavold has spent
over 20 years researching his life story. (If
he hadn't, the Weng Weng factoids I’ve just
recounted would remain unknown.)
Much of the ironic comedy value is after
market, stemming from one of the most
ridiculous dubs ever recorded. The man
responsible was schlock producer Dick
Randall, who also supervised the sillification
of Supersonic Man and Challenge of the
Tiger, not to mention the gore-tastic
Pieces. He was in the business of finding
foreign movies he could sell to Western
audiences. For reasons we will probably
CHEESE. 8 |
ACTING... |
EXCESS Aisa 5
INEPTITUDE... 6
WHAT? 9
sg3 Baz%.
s4@:
never understand, he decided one of Mr
Giant's Filipino henchmen should sound
like a Mexican bandito, and another like
Jimmy Cagney. Weng Weng himself sounds
like someone impersonating a child. As if
deliberately baiting us, Randall even gives his
reimagined characters fitting dialogue, with
‘Cagney’ uttering gems like “| smell a rat, or
else a canary. That broad could be a plant.
The chick ain't dumb, she ain't no booby”
and “there's a lot of dough in this dough. The
butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker.
Happy pushing, happy pushing!” I’ve seen
the movie many times but still don’t know
what he’s on about.
Thanks mainly to Weng Weng's acrobatics
and visceral appeal, the movie is one of the
most purely enjoyable you're ever likely to
see. It has all the gadgets, girls and action
of a classic Bond outing, but with the added
attraction of a dwarf flying a tiny jetpack. »
3/7
You don’t talk about Weng Weng without
mentioning Andrew Leavold, the Australian
trash cinema renaissance man, Filipino
exploitation connoisseur and world-renowned
Wengologist. | asked him for the lowdown
on Weng Weng.
When did you first see For Y’ur Height
Only, and was your fascination with Weng
Weng immediate?
It must have been the early 90s, and it was
like the earth sliding from under my feet! At
that moment | can honestly say that cinema
would never be the same for me ever again.
It's still hard to put into words (and | just
finished writing a whole book about him), but
the fascination was instantaneous. | wanted
to know his story, his entire history, meet him,
learn the secret to ‘it’, whatever the magic he
possessed was.
How long have you been researching him
seriously?
Since the early 90s. That was before the
Internet, and even after then, there were
STILL no real facts to piece together. But
after more than ten years of prepping and
planning, | finally made it to Manila, hit the
Andrew shooting in the Philippines
ground running, and haven't stopped digging
(even after finishing the book, more stories
are coming to the surface). Meanwhile |
closed my video shop, somehow managed to
keep going financially, lost three girlfriends,
my father passed away, and | released two
documentaries on Filipino cinema.
[Andrew owned Trash Video, once Australia’s
leading alternative movie store.]
Do you know how his movies were
perceived by Filipino film fans at the time?
They must have been a massive hit with the
kids, as most Filipinos between the ages of
35 and 50 certainly remember Weng Weng.
They were pure mass entertainment, what
critics would dismiss as bakya (wooden clogs
worn by poor people) films. They function
perfectly well as populist action films which,
during the 70s and 80s, were almost like a
religion in the Philippines, but with the goons
poking fun at themselves, and with the added
novelty of a midget playing a miniaturized
version of their own Agent X44. So most
definitely they were commercial hits.
Weng Weng’s career seems to end when
Peter Caballes stopped calling him with
work. When was that?
1983, | believe. His scenes in
what would have been his final
film, Caliber .357 (shot 1983,
released 1984) were edited out
of the finished product. From
what | can tell, 1986 is when
popular culture loses track of
him; the last public image of him ,
other than his funeral, is from
a pro-Marcos rally in February
1986. After that, Ernesto [Weng
Weng’s real name] disappeared
back into the rabbit warren of
his home district Baclaran, and
wasn’t heard of again until he
passed away.
 of money, labour and sheer scale, but in
reality the country has played host to foreign
filmmakers since the 1930s — Zamboanga
(1936) for example, the Philippines’ first
export film, or An American Guerrilla In
The Philippines (1950), its first Hollywood
production on local soil, starring Tyrone
Power and directed by Fritz Lang. Filmmakers
from all over the world flocked to the country
for its cheap tropical locales and experienced
labour; the Marcos’ tax concessions were
just a bonus. As for the number of local
productions — at one point more than 300
films a year — it was a case of the Americans
promoting cinema as a convenient form of
mass entertainment and distraction, and the
local audiences embracing their own pop
culture with a never-before-seen abandon,
that has certainly not been seen again since
the 80s.

Andrew's book, The Search for Weng Weng,

is published by The Leda Tape Organization.
His documentary of the same name is
distributed by Wild Eye Releasing in the US
and Monster Pictures in Australia and the UK.
Andrew and collaborator Daniel Palisa
And it’s great!
outside the former Manilla home of Y’ur
Height director Eddie Nicart

It’s a tough question, but what is the secret

of Weng Weng’s appeal?

His humanity? His fragility? Maybe it's the Y With Weng Weng’s brother and
Factor. The indefinable thing that makes you sister-in-law Celing and Editha de la Cruz
fall in love. | can’t label it, and | can’t begin to
describe it to someone who doesn’t possess
the same set of eyes and a heart predisposed
to such magic. Digging weirdly dubbed kung
fu films doesn’t hurt either.

Why did the Philippines become such

a hotbed of filmmaking activity? Is
Apocalypse Now particularly relevant?

Yes, Apocalypse Now certainly was a

landmark film for the Philippines in terms
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