What He Learns: Desires: New

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 WHAT HE LEARNS

DESIRES: NEW BEGINNINGS #1

E.M. DENNING
 CONTENTS
1. Sterling
2. Kelly
3. Sterling
4. Kelly
5. Sterling
6. Kelly
7. Sterling
8. Kelly
9. Sterling
10. Kelly
11. Sterling
12. Kelly
13. Sterling
14. Kelly
15. Sterling
16. Kelly
17. Sterling
18. Kelly
19. Sterling
20. Kelly
21. Sterling
22. Kelly
23. Sterling
24. Kelly
25. Sterling
26. Kelly
27. Sterling
Epilogue
About E.M. Denning
Also by E.M. Denning
 1

STERLING

“IT SAYS HERE you have twelve years in the service industry.” The guy interviewing him, Steve,
didn’t look up from Sterling’s resume.
“Yes, sir.” Sterling clasped his hand tightly, forcing the urge to fidget and wriggle down. “I’ve
worked every day since I turned fourteen.” Sterling outlined his work history briefly for Steve, though
it was listed on his resume. He’d started working in the kitchen at his family’s restaurant when he was
legally too young to work, but he left that part out. His experience in his family’s kitchen had enabled
him to work pretty much in every position in a bar and restaurant a person could have. He liked
working behind the bar the best, however.
Sometimes he thought he’d miss working for his family, but it would be nice to get away from
them. He loved them, but they were overwhelming.
“I try hire people who are more familiar with the lifestyle, but Jade vouched for you.” Steve said.
Sterling flinched. Steve was a huge guy. Bald and imposing, he had a presence. Power radiated
from him even when he wasn’t saying anything. He lifted his gaze to meet Sterling’s.
Sterling’s heart thumped at the mention of Jade’s name. They were the sole reason Sterling wanted
to work at Desires. Okay, not the sole reason. There was something missing in Sterling’s life. He
lived with a hole in his chest that he didn’t know how to fill. Jade had been a friend of Sterling’s for a
while now. Once upon a time, they’d been a server in the restaurant Sterling’s family owned. They’d
since left that job for another, but Sterling and Jade had been friends since their first day on the job
when Sterling stood up to a particularly nasty customer for them.
Steve put the resume down and leaned back in his chair. “Jade told me what you did for them.”
“I’d have done it for anyone. I’m not a hero or anything. No one deserves to get treated that way.”
Sterling’s guts churned when he remembered how hateful the customer had been when Jade
approached the table in a blouse and a skirt. The customer had been rude straight away, and Sterling
had taken more than a little joy in throwing them out.
Steve furrowed his brow. “What do you know about the lifestyle?”
Sterling took a breath so deep it made his ribs ache. “Honestly? Not enough.” Sterling exhaled.
He wanted to deflate like a balloon, but he forced himself to sit and stay.
Steve smirked at him. “Jade said you appeared interested. I see they weren’t off base.”
“Not at all.” Sterling relaxed a little and let himself smile. “I know that it’s not your usual practice
to hire people who aren’t in the lifestyle, and I promise I’m not just some looky-loo. Whatever you
need me to sign, I will sign it for you. I’ll follow whatever rules you set for me, but,” Sterling paused.
Did he want to lay it all on the line? He immediately kicked himself for hesitating. “I feel like I need
to work here.”
The club was practically a legend around town. Formerly, it had only been a little kinky hole-in-
the-wall, but then Steve purchased it from his best friend, Alan. Renovations happened. A restaurant
got added and other changes were made. Those were less well-known, however, because the kinky
crowd knew how to kiss and not tell. Steve had owned another restaurant in town, but he’d recently
sold that so he could devote all his attention to the club.
Steve smiled a little, and Sterling took it as a positive. He leaned forward, folding his thick arms
on the desk in front of him. “Tell me, Sterling. What do you hope to get out of working here,
specifically? Jade says you’re interested in the lifestyle, but they wouldn’t say more. They vouched
for your character, but weren’t very chatty with what you want out of working here. So either they
don’t know, or you don’t.”
“Honestly, I don’t know.” Sterling forced the lump of emotion down. “Jade, they’re so fucking—
sorry. They’re so confident and happy and settled. I’ve watched them submit, and it’s the most
stunning thing in the world.”
“And you want that for yourself?”
Sterling almost panicked. Had he given himself away this early in the game? Did Steve guess
Sterling was stupidly head over heels in love with Jade? But then he realized Steve thought he might
want to submit to someone.
“Uh, no, Sir. I don’t want to be a submissive. I mean…” He raked a hand down his face and
cursed himself for the cold brew he’d shotgunned on the way down here. “I don’t want to kneel for
someone. I want to earn the right to have someone kneel… for me.”
Steve nodded. “There’s a sensitivity and diversity training course you must complete before your
first shift starts. No training, no job. There’s a lot of different people who work here and visit here.
The training is a prerequisite for hiring. Understand?”
Sterling nodded, then he realized Steve wanted verbal confirmation. “Yes, sir. Absolutely.”
Steve leaned over and opened one of his desk drawers. He pulled out a legal size manila
envelope and handed it to Sterling, who took it with only a slight tremble in his hands.
“Do the course. Fill out the forms. When that’s all done, bring it back. I’ll give you a uniform and
put you on the schedule.”
“Seriously?” Sterling squeaked. “Thank you. Holy crap.” He stood and held the envelope in his
left hand, offering his right to Steve. “Thank you for taking a chance on me, sir. I won’t let you
down.”
Steve shook his hand, and Sterling noted how it could probably crack every bone in his hand if
Steve wanted to. God, the man was solid.
“I’ll walk you out.” Steve came around from behind his desk. He led Sterling back through the
building. Nothing was open yet, but some staff were present. They looked busy, but happy, as they
cleaned and chatted. They greeted Steve as he passed.
“Jade says people love working here.” Jade didn’t work for Steve, though. Jade only played at
Desires. It had only been through a random twist of fate that they’d met at all.
A couple years before, Sterling had been out for drinks with his friend Robbie. The night was
winding down, and they were about to call it quits and head home when Sterling saw someone slip
something into Jade’s drink. Sterling stepped in, told the bartender, and helped Jade get out of there
before anything bad could happen. They’d been friends ever since.
“Jade exaggerates,” someone said.
Steve paused and pulled the interrupter closer with a big hand wrapped around the guy’s wrist.
“Matty, this is Sterling. He’s going to work here soon. Sterling, this is my partner Matty.”
“It’s nice to meet you.” Sterling shook Matty’s hand and tried not to think indecent thoughts about
his boss and his boss’s partner. Clearly, they were more than business partners, given the way Matty
wrapped himself around Steve like cling film.
“I was just walking Sterling out, I’ll be back. Wait in my office for me.”
Sterling caught the heated way they looked at each other. Yep. Definitely not business partners. He
made himself look away, not wanting to gawk at his boss and the way he fucked his boyfriend with his
eyes.
Steve cleared his throat. “Shall we?”
Sterling’s face heated, and he set off in the direction they'd been going. Steve’s quiet chuckle
unsettled Sterling, and he glanced over at him.
“You’re going to have to get used to seeing things without reacting, Sterling. It’s half the job.
Some people enjoy being looked at.”
“How do you know the difference?” Sterling furrowed his brow.
“The ones who want you to see them, let you.”
“Ah.” Sterling wasn’t sure he fully understood. Hopefully, the training he’d do before he started
would help him wrap his head around it. And if not, it would be a trial by fire. Nothing Sterling
wasn’t used to.
Steve walked Sterling to the front door and twisted the lock to let him out.
“Was there a deadline to get the training done, Sir?” Sterling asked as Steve pushed the door
open. The summer heat slammed into Sterling, and he winced at the flash of sunlight in his eyes.
“The sooner the better. It’s not an intense course, or long, but it is important.”
“Thank you. I’ll get it done as soon as possible.”
Steve grinned at him. “I know you will. Have a good day, Sterling.”
“You, too.” Sterling stepped out onto the sidewalk. When the door clicked shut behind him, he
grinned and reached for his phone. Usually, he just texted Jade, but Jade had said to call them when
his interview was over. Sterling decided that he’d rather facetime because any excuse to set eyes on
Jade was good enough for Sterling.
Jade answered and immediately fumbled with the phone. The screen spun and swirled before
coming to a stop on the floor. Sterling stared at Jade’s ceiling for a second until the familiar face
came into view. “How’d it go? Holy shit, you got the job!” Jade squeaked. “He got the job!” Jade
yelled out. A sick feeling slithered into Sterling’s gut.
Of course, Jade wasn’t alone. A semi-familiar face popped up over Jade’s shoulder. “Congrats,
Sterling. Steve will be lucky to have you on board.”
“Thanks,” Sterling tried to keep his cheery demeanor. Jade was blissfully unaware of his feelings.
If they hadn’t been, it would’ve been almost cruel the way they paraded around half dressed with
their current fling. Jealousy burned hot in Sterling.
Fuck. This was going to be a disaster. How was he going to work at Jade’s fucking play pen? The
place they went to cruise and find guys to do the things Sterling still didn’t have the courage to think
about.
“Did you hear me?” Jade asked.
“No, sorry.” Sterling said, forcing himself to focus.
“I said we’ll have to go out and celebrate.” Jade pushed their dark hair out of their face.
“I have a course to do first, before I can start.”
“Just one drink, Sterling.” Jade batted their eyelashes at him. “Prettiest of pleases.”
 Sterling’s resolve crumbled. “Okay. One drink. But that’s it.”
“Yes! I’ll text you the details. I need to go though. Randy is dropping me off at work, and I need to
shower.”
“Have a good day at work.” Sterling made himself say.
Jade called out a goodbye, and the screen went black. Sterling deflated a little. What had seemed
like a good idea at the time now seemed like the worst possible thing he could’ve done.
It was already hard for him to watch Jade be with people who weren’t him, and now Sterling was
going to work at the place where Jade went looking for things. Things Sterling wanted to give them,
but didn’t know how.
Sterling sent a text to Robbie, who knew all about Sterling’s stupid crush on Jade. Robbie had
tried to talk Sterling out of working at the club, but once Sterling got the idea in his head, he couldn’t
shake it.
He needed to work there. He needed to learn how to be a Dom. The endgame was Jade. He could
see Jade in his mind, kneeling at his feet, looking up at him with their gorgeous brown eyes.
That’s as far as that day's dream went, though. Because after that, Sterling didn’t know what to do.
What would Jade want? What would he want to do with Jade if he had the opportunity? There were
so many blank spaces in his knowledge that he couldn’t wrap his mind around what he’d do with
Jade. He knew he wanted them. That was as far as it went.
He wanted Jade in his bed and at his feet, and if he had to endure a little torture while he learned
how to achieve that, then so be it. Jade was worth the heartache.
 2

KELLY

“I CAN GO with you if you’d like.”

“Absolutely unnecessary offer, Quentin, but thank you for making it. I’ll be fine on my own.”
Kelly didn’t know why he’d called Quentin, his ex-husband, of all people. They got along great for
ex-husbands and former kink partners, but Kelly regretted telling Quentin that he wanted to visit
Desires.
“I worry about you, Kells.”
Kelly sighed and put the phone on speaker. “I still haven’t decided if I’m going for sure. I know
my membership is still valid, but it’s been ages. And I don’t know what to wear.” Kelly heard
Quentin take a breath, and he cut him off before he could say anything. “And no, you can’t make a
fucking suggestion. I’ll choose my own clothes.”
“Are you sure you’re ready?” Quentin asked instead. They’d parted two years ago, on the best
terms possible. When they met, they’d both been in a weird place in their lives. Kelly supposed it
was easy to let go of someone you only loved the idea of. Which had been the case between him and
Quentin.
Six months into their marriage and the writing was on the wall. Quentin had been a good Dom, but
a pretty shitty husband, if Kelly was honest. But he felt certain that the same could be said for him. It
was almost a shame they’d gone and ruined a perfectly good kinky dynamic by pretending it had been
more than it was.
“It’s been two years, Quen.” Longer if he added in the time before the divorce where they’d
stopped fucking and playing and doing anything intimate together. “I don’t need to submit. Like, I
won’t die without it, but it would be nice to scratch the itch.”
“Fine,” Quentin sighed. “Can I at least please make a tiny wardrobe suggestion?”
Kelly rolled his eyes. “But I don’t have to take it.”
“Be as naked as possible.”
Kelly snorted. “With my dad-bod. Okay.”
“It’s a beautiful body. Don’t go selling yourself short. Besides, you know a good harness never
goes out of style.”
“I hate you when you’re right.” Kelly dug into the back of his closet and pulled out his old leather
harness. He still took it out from time to time to look after the leather and try it on. “I’m going to finish
getting ready.”
“Call me tomorrow. Or at least text. Send a postcard. Something. I don’t need details, but I want
to know that you’re okay. You’re still important to me.”
 Kelly sighed. “Yeah. Okay, I can do that. Talk to you later.” Kelly ended the call before his ex
shoved any more daggers into his guts. Sure, he’d never been head over heels, can’t eat, can't sleep,
in love with Quentin, but their relationship was one more thing Kelly had failed at.
Kelly wasn’t in the mood to go down that road of bad, bullshit memories. Instead, he cleaned
himself out, just in case, and took a shower. He slid into a pair of black jeans before laying his
harness out and checking it over. It was in perfect condition, just like he knew it would be, but it gave
him a moment to consider what he wanted.
A connection. Not a scene. A relationship, not a one-off. If Kelly had wanted to hook up, he
could’ve done it any time during the past two years. It wasn’t like he needed kink to have sex, or
needed sex to have kink. Plenty of people lived with those things being separate, and sometimes Kelly
was one of them.
But he hadn’t been ready for anything since his relationship with Quentin fell apart. He wasn’t
sure he was ready now, either. But he slid the harness on anyway because he wanted to be ready.
Though he wasn’t ashamed of his kink, he didn’t want to run around in public in nothing but a
harness, so he pulled a t-shirt over top. After making sure his wallet and his keys sat safely tucked in
his pockets, he left for the club.
Kelly had been to the club since the renovations were completed, but he hadn’t been lately. The
parking lot hadn’t changed, Kelly discovered after fifteen minutes of sitting in his car with the engine
off. It looked like a half decent night going by the number of vehicles in the lot. Not too busy, not dead
empty. All Kelly had to do now was work up the last bit of courage to go inside.
It took another five minutes, but Kelly convinced himself to get out of his car and walk in the front
door. The girl at the door introduced herself and quickly explained the nature of the business.
Kelly pulled his wallet out and tugged the rarely used membership card out and handed it over to
her.
“Oh, you’re a member.” Julia, according to her nametag, said. “I didn’t recognize you. But I’ve
only been here for a few months.”
“And I haven’t been here in a couple years.” Kelly admitted.
“Welcome back.” Julia swiped his card, logging his visit into the system. She handed it back to
him. “Are you familiar with our bracelet system?”
Kelly nodded and chose a yellow bracelet. Other places had complex bracelet systems. Different
colors for different Doms, subs, and switches. Colors for whether or not you wanted to be
approached, or topped, or bottomed. At Desires, they used the stoplight system for bracelets.
You wore a green wristband if you wanted to be approached for play. From there, negotiations
were to happen between the players. Kelly’s band was yellow. Meaning that he was open to
conversation, but not participation. Red was for people who were looking to just exist quietly in the
space and not be approached by anyone. It let people experience the environment without the anxiety
or pressure of someone approaching them.
Once Kelly had his card back in his wallet, he went through the doors and into the club. The lobby
opened into what looked like a lounge. It was the most public of the spaces. Half restaurant, half kink
club, it had big comfy leather booths for people to sit and eat at while they watched the demos on
stage. A bar sat across the room, glowing under blue LED lights. Kink rooms waited at the back and
upstairs. Rooms Kelly wasn’t interested in going near tonight.
Off to the right was a set of change rooms and lockers for people to use. Kelly stripped his shirt
off and tucked it into a cubby. Then he ran a hand down his face, realized he should have scraped the
stubble off his cheeks and sighed.
 What the fuck was he even doing there? He shook the thought out of his head and left the locker
room, making a beeline for the bar. If you weren’t kinking it up, you could get a drink or two and
Kelly was dying for a beer.
Nothing much about the place had changed, Kelly decided as he made his way to the bar. He was
glad no one he knew was there yet. It gave him time to breathe in the atmosphere and settle into
himself.
Kelly chose a stool off in the corner at the far end of the bar, where he could watch everyone and
feel shielded. He hadn’t been seated for a half a minute when the bartender approached.
“Hey, what can I get you?” The bartender asked.
Kelly raked his gaze over the man. He was new, very new, according to the trainee nametag he
wore with the name Sterling written on it. Sterling flashed Kelly a smile that wanted to be confident,
but hadn’t quite worked itself up to it yet.
“Just a beer, thanks. Something light.” Kelly pulled out his credit card and slid it across the bar.
“Were you charging both your drinks right now, Sir?” Sterling asked as he picked up Kelly’s
card.
“Just the one for now. I’m not sure if I’m staying long.”
“I’ll be right back.” Sterling shot Kelly a wobbly half-smile, then poured him a beer and set it on
a coaster in front of him. Kelly noted the way his hands shook and the way he tried not to stare at
anyone, or anything, which made him look ten times more awkward than Kelly bet he wanted to look.
It was kind of cute, actually.
And so was Sterling, with his floppy faux hawk, an eyebrow piercing and three gold hoops in
each ear. Sterling rang the card through and gave it back to Kelly.
“This your first night?” Kelly asked. He should leave the safety of the bar and mingle with the
other kinksters, but after so long out of the scene, he wanted to ease back into it and talking to
someone who wasn’t an employee felt like jumping into the deep end.
“Is it that obvious?” Sterling looked worried, and Kelly instantly felt bad for him.
“Yeah, a little, but only because you have that whole, deer in the headlights thing going on. It’s a
lot to take in.”
“Especially when you don’t know where to look.”
“The eyes are always safe.” Kelly offered him that advice and took a sip of his beer.
“Holy shit, Kelly Russo, as I live and breathe.”
Kelly turned his head and came face to face with Steve, the owner of Desires. Steve’s partner,
Matty, trailed behind him, which wasn’t new. Matty was never far from Steve. Tonight, Matty had a
gag in his mouth, and he looked almost sad that he couldn’t say hello properly. He did, however,
unclasp his hands to wave discreetly at Kelly.
“It’s been forever. I’m glad to see you’ve come out.” Steve’s gaze drifted down to the yellow
bracelet.
“I’m not sure how long I’m staying.”
Steve nodded, then quickly steered the conversation away from Kelly. “How’s the new kid
treating you?”
Kelly held up his cold beer. “So far, so good.”
“I need to make the rounds, but it’s good to see you out and about, Kelly. Don’t be a stranger.”
“I won’t.”
When Steve and Matty left, Kelly watched Sterling exhale.
“He’s intimidating.” Kelly said to Sterling.
 “I should’ve factored that in when I applied here.” Sterling shifted uncomfortably. The poor guy
was probably hard as a rock. Not that Kelly was interested. He wasn’t.
Sterling had to leave his post near Kelly’s hiding spot in the corner to serve other customers.
Bottles of water and juice were free, but kept behind the bar. Alcohol was the only drink Steve
charged for.
Kelly sat and watched people as he nursed his beer. Okay, so mostly he watched the cute
bartender. Sterling had a smile for everyone, and he did his best to take Kelly’s advice, keeping his
gaze to people’s eyes. There was a lot of leather and a lot of skin on display. The quicker Sterling got
used to it, the easier it would be for him.
Sterling noticed Kelly’s empty beer and came over.
“Would you like another?”
Kelly nodded. “Please.” He’d intended to leave after one, but something about Sterling made him
want to stay.
Sterling poured him a drink but shook his head when Kelly offered his credit card.
“This one’s on me.”
The other bartender appeared and gave them a friendly smile. “Don’t forget to stamp his hand.
Two drink limit.” A stamp and a pad were pressed into Sterling’s hands.
Sterling set the stamp pad down on the bar and flipped it open. He inked the stamp and looked at
Kelly, color creeping into his cheeks. “You need a stamp. I’d honestly forgotten.”
Kelly put his palm on the bar top. Sterling pressed the stamp onto the back of his hand and left the
words, maxed out, in ink.
“When you leave, there’s alcohol based wipes at the door they’ll give you. It’ll get that right off.”
Sterling put the stamp to the side. “Thanks, by the way. For the advice. It’s my first shift and I’ve been
so freaking nervous all week. I was sure I was going to come in here and be all weird and shit. So, by
trying not to be weird, it made me weirder.”
Kelly smiled. “We all start somewhere.”
“If you have any other words of wisdom, I’m all ears. Angelo is nice, but he’s used to all of this,
and I feel really, really dumb. Because I can pour drinks and I’ve worked in kitchens and as a server.
But in the kinds of places you can bring your grandma. I feel out of my depth.”
“That’s a feeling I’m familiar with,” Kelly said. It solidified his decision to stay. He didn’t feel
ready to leave the bar and mingle with the kinksters, but the fish-out-of-water bartender was equal
parts alluring and harmless. Chatting to Sterling seemed like a good way for Kelly to dip his toes
back into the club scene. Maybe next time he’d feel more adventurous or comfortable, but for tonight,
he was content to sit at the bar and keep Sterling company between customers.
 3

STERLING

THE FIRST TIME Sterling had seen someone on their knees, it had been Jade. And they hadn’t been
kneeling for him. Nevertheless, it did something to Sterling. He knew BDSM existed in the same way
he knew that Mount Everest existed, but he’d never been to Mount Everest and he’d never seen
someone on their knees. Until Jade.
It hadn’t been something Sterling had meant to see, but it had happened. Since then, he’d searched
for answers, but the more he found, the more questions appeared. He tried to think of what it would
be like to be on his knees for someone but couldn’t make his brain imagine it.
But he could picture Jade on their knees gazing up at Sterling. Waiting. Anticipation thick between
them. In Sterling’s mind, the man was perfect. He knew what to say and what to do. Too bad for him,
nothing was that simple in real life. He’d felt mortified during his first shift at the club.
He’d been unable to lift his gaze from the bar top. The work was simple, there wasn’t a lot to
pouring a few beers and handing out water. It was all the rules and protocols. The people. The
dynamics. His head spun due to the jealousy simmering low in his guts..
And then Kelly walked in. Holy shit, Kelly flicked switches Sterling never knew he had. Kelly
was obviously older than him. Not in an, oh my god you could be my dad, sort of way. But his hair
was peppered with silver flecks that caught the LED lights and he had that steady, solid, thick boy
thing going on. Sterling thought Kelly looked like he could weather a storm.
He’d sat up at the bar in his harness looking every bit a wet dream, but he hadn’t seemed to be
super interested in what was going on in the rest of the club. Instead, he’d focused his attention on
Sterling. It felt almost like he’d made a friend. He hoped Kelly would be back again.
Sterling shoved thoughts of the cute older guy out of his head and stretched. His first week at the
club was behind him and he’d survived. Jade hadn’t been there, which was okay, because Sterling
sometimes had trouble thinking when they were around.
Even if Jade never kneeled for Sterling, they’d been the reason Sterling finally walked away from
the family business to work at a sex club. He was thankful his family was understanding, even if they
were entirely too nosy for their own good. And his sanity. Lucky for Sterling he’d had to sign an
NDA, so even if he wanted to talk about his job—he didn’t—he wasn’t allowed.
Jade was also the reason Sterling had invested in an ereader and countless books on the lifestyle.
He’d never been much of a reader before, but Sterling wanted to learn. He wanted to know things, but
there was no way he could ask Jade all the questions he had.
There were more books on the lifestyle than Sterling could ever hope to get through. He’d already
read a few on protocols. Some beginner ones. A handful of memoirs. He felt as though he was
approaching the point where he’d have to set the books aside and find someone to teach him.
Until he’d started at the club, Jade had been the only person Sterling knew who was even
remotely kinky. That he was aware of, anyway. Sterling groaned and put a bookmark in his book. His
first week at the club was behind him now and every night he’d secretly hoped Kelly would come
back.
Sterling’s friend Robbie was out of town, and Sterling didn’t have to work. He felt restless and in
need of something to keep his brain from whirring out of control. His job at the club came with a
membership and Sterling planned on using it.
On a whim, he called Jade. They answered after a few rings.
“Hello?” Jade’s voice filtered through the phone and Sterling closed his eyes as if he could
breathe it in.
“Hey, Jade.”
“How’s your new job?” Jade asked. “I hope it’s going well. Sorry I haven’t stopped in to see you
yet, but I’ve been crazy busy.”
“It’s fine. Good, even. Everyone is really nice.”
Jade snorted. “Because Steve chucks them out if they’re not.”
Sterling pulled a pair of dark jeans out of his dresser. Jeans weren’t generally what Sterling wore.
After years in the restaurant industry, basic black slacks were a wardrobe staple. Jeans would help
remind him he wasn’t at work, however.
“I was thinking of going to the club tonight, just to check things out from the other side of the bar,
you know.” Jade was aware of Sterling’s interest in kink, but they didn’t know that they were the
reason Sterling had started down that path to begin with. They didn’t know Sterling wanted to learn
how to be whatever it was Jade needed.
Sterling took a breath. “Is it weird to go alone?” Sterling thought of Kelly in that moment and the
way he hadn’t minded going by himself. At least it didn’t seem like he minded.
“I’d go with you but I’m pulling an extra shift to cover for someone.”
“No, it’s fine. I don’t need a chaperone.” Sterling wished he had something better to wear. If he
was going to be a Dom, he had to look the part. He made a mental note to go shopping for some
proper club attire. For tonight though, the tight jeans and a white dress shirt with rolled sleeves and
only half buttoned would have to do.
“You’ll be fine. Go make friends. It’ll be good for you to expand your social circle.”
“Are you saying I don’t have friends?” Sterling feigned hurt.
“I’m saying that most of the people you know are related to you because you worked with your
family your whole life.”
Sterling sighed. “Mom is still miffed that I quit. She says she understands, but I think I hurt her
feelings.”
“Too bad,” Jade said. “Her emotions are not your responsibility.”
Sterling bit his tongue to keep him from saying something. Jade never feared expressing their
opinions.
“It’s nice to feel like I have some privacy. Like I’m free to have a bad day now and then because I
don’t have my whole family watching me. Sterling, are you okay? Did you sleep? Did you eat? They
mean well, but it’s a lot sometimes.” Sterling felt stupid for complaining about the way his family
cared. There were so many people who didn’t have a nice family life. They didn’t have the close-knit
support Sterling had.
But sometimes it was too much. And leaving the family business had eased some of the tightness
in Sterling’s chest. It was hard to learn who you were when people and their expectations constantly
surrounded you.
“Have you met anyone you like?” Jade asked.
Sterling didn’t want to tell Jade about Kelly in case they got the wrong idea. Because it wasn’t
like Sterling was actually interested in Kelly. He wanted Jade, but Kelly had been nice and helpful,
and Sterling had liked the attention Kelly paid him.
“Everyone is nice.” Sterling hedged. “I think it will be different when I’m not there handing out
bottles of water and packets of lube.”
“Well, you go have fun. Make some friends. Have some sex.” Jade’s voice was suddenly muffled
as they spoke to someone in the background. “I have to go, but if I don’t make it out to the club soon,
call me and tell me all about it.”
“I’ll do that.”
Jade said a quick goodbye and hung up.
Sterling sighed and tucked his phone in his pocket. He spent a few minutes in the bathroom
washing his face and putting on black eyeliner. He hadn’t worn it since his Emo phase when he was a
teen. Though he applied it less dramatically than he would’ve ten years ago.
He’d let his hair grow out a little since leaving the restaurant and he took a few minutes to style it
into something that looked a little like he’d just crawled out of bed. He spent the next five minutes
buttoning and unbuttoning his shirt. Eventually, he decided that the top three unbuttoned appeared to
be the best look.
Going by himself was easier than he’d expected. Though he wanted to choose a green bracelet
and go all in, Sterling hesitated and thought back to Kelly, who had chosen a yellow bracelet and sat
at the bar talking to him all night.
With a yellow band slid around his wrist, Sterling took a deep breath and entered the club. He
scanned the room as he walked up to the bar. His coworker, Angelo, was busy talking to a couple of
Doms down at the other end of the bar. Instinctively, Sterling cut his gaze over to the corner.
When he saw Kelly sitting there again, alone, dressed as if ready for play, but sitting like he
wasn’t, Sterling’s feet automatically carried him over to Kelly.
“This seat taken?” Sterling asked.
Kelly sat leaning on the bar with his elbows, both hands loosely wrapped around a glass of beer.
He looked up at Sterling and his thoughtful expression lightened. “It’s open.”
Sterling sat down, ordered a beer from Angelo, then turned in his seat so he could look at Kelly
while he spoke.
“I’d hoped to see you here again.”
Kelly stilled at Sterling’s confession. “Any particular reason?” He raised an eyebrow. “Did you
want me to call you, sir?”
Sterling almost choked on his beer. “No, uh, maybe. Not… yet? Mostly, I just liked talking to
you.”
Kelly relaxed a little. “You’re pretty green.” It wasn’t a question.
“The greenest.”
Kelly lifted his glass and motioned to Sterling to do the same. He clinked their beers together. “To
new adventures, then.” Sterling took a sip of his beer to toast with Kelly. “I wish I had more practice
at this. Even being here like this makes me feel like I’m out of place.”
“Everyone has to start somewhere.”
Sterling sighed. “I know. But… where? I’ve read books, done forums and I’ve been to kinky
websites and chat rooms. But I don’t know where to start. I have one friend in the lifestyle, but asking
them anything makes me feel weird.”
“Just one friend?” Kelly looked at Sterling. “Are you sure about that? I don’t just let any random
person occupy the space next to me. That’s a friend’s only barstool.”
It took Sterling a second to register what Kelly had said. “Friends? I’d like that.”
“So, since we’re friends and everything, you can feel free to ask me whatever you want.”
Sterling’s brain was a cyclone of questions. His body thrummed in excitement and his stupid dick
was suddenly so hard it made his head spin. After a slow, deep breath, Sterling looked Kelly in the
eyes.
Kelly waited, patient and unmoving for Sterling to sort through his thoughts and find his voice.
“Have you eaten?”
A broad smile broke out on Kelly’s face. “No, actually.”
“Would you have dinner with me? We can order here, then get a booth.”
“I’d love to.”
Sterling didn’t realize how nervous he’d been until Kelly agreed to sit and eat with him. It wasn’t
like Sterling thought he’d walk into the club and find a submissive and then just magically know how
to be a good Dom, but he also didn’t know how to get to that place.
A quiet dinner with Kelly would be an excellent distraction while he figured out his next step.
 4

KELLY

THEY ORDERED their food at the bar, then found a booth off to the side away from everyone. Kelly
liked the quiet and the illusion of privacy. He also liked that Sterling had asked him to have dinner.
When Kelly had dressed for the club, he’d half expected to see Sterling behind the bar like last time.
But Sterling wasn’t working that night, and Kelly was more than happy to sit and eat with him. It
might keep other people from approaching him for play. Which made no sense. If he was going to the
club, why didn’t he want to find someone to have a scene with?
“You okay?” Sterling asked.
“I’m fine. I’m just working through some personal stuff.” Kelly took a sip of beer.
“I’m here if you want someone to listen,” Sterling offered. “I know we don’t know each other
well, but everything has to start somewhere, right?”
Kelly nodded. He took a minute to decide how much to tell Sterling and decided that he’d just
start at the beginning. “I was with someone a few years ago. A Dom. We’re still friends and
everything, but we never should’ve gotten as serious as we did.” When Sterling didn’t immediately
push for more, Kelly kept talking. It was as if a floodgate opened and he couldn’t stop himself.
“We were married,” Kelly confessed. “But it was a bad match. We both jumped into something
that wasn’t right for our own separate, and very wrong, reasons. I stopped coming to the club after the
breakup. I couldn’t make myself do it. I’m still not sure why.” Kelly paused and sipped at his beer.
Sterling sat, listening patiently. It felt nice to talk to someone who didn’t know the whole dumb
history of him and Quentin.
“Truthfully, I still don’t know if I’m ready, but I want to be ready. I guess I’m easing myself back
into things.”
“I know what you mean, sort of.” Sterling furrowed his brow. “I feel like I want to be ready for
all this,” Sterling gestured at the club surrounding them. The sea of leather and lust. “I want to be
ready, but it’s… a lot.”
Kelly smiled at Sterling. Not because he was happy Sterling felt overwhelmed and slightly out of
place, but because Kelly knew Sterling understood exactly how he felt. The uncertainty of walking
into a room full of people who knew what they wanted while feeling like the only one who didn’t was
something they had in common.
“There’s nothing wrong with not being ready.” Kelly echoed the words Quentin had said to him
when they’d last spoken.
“I guess, but,” Sterling paused as the food showed up.
Kelly had a light snack earlier, but he hadn’t planned on eating much, just in case he ended up
agreeing to do a scene with someone.
“But what?” Kelly asked when the server left. “I came here last week with no intention of doing
anything but talking to people. Getting the lay of the land, so to speak.”
“And tonight?” Sterling dunked a fry in ketchup and swirled it around. “Did you come to do more
spectating tonight?”
“I want to say no, that I came here with an open mind, but the minute I walked in I knew I wasn't
ready for a scene.” Kelly blew out a breath. “I want to be okay with not being ready yet. I know it’s
bad to rush into things, but I feel impatient.”
“It’s kind of like standing at a buffet with an empty plate and an empty stomach. All the things that
could fill you up are right there, but you can’t decide where to start. Well, in my case, it’s because I
literally have no idea how.”
“How to what?”
“Find someone to show me how to be a Dom. I’ve read so many books and watched hours of
videos online about safety and protocols. I’ve read about it. I’ve watched it, but I don’t know how to
bridge the gap from seeing to doing.” Sterling stabbed another fry into his ketchup. Kelly could
clearly see how annoyed and frustrated Sterling was.
“What if I helped?” Kelly asked. The question surprised himself almost as much as it did Sterling,
who gaped at him. It was absolutely bonkers. Completely bat shit crazy. Sterling was as green as they
came, but everyone had to learn somewhere.
“Can you do that?” Sterling asked, his expression equal parts hope and disbelief.
“I can do whatever I want. Does your work allow you to see members? I don’t want to get you in
trouble with Steve.”
“There wasn’t anything about it being against the rules. I think they figure that if you’re going to
work here, it’s because you have an interest in this kind of thing.”
“If you’re interested, double check with your boss and we can talk.” Kelly tried to appear
nonchalant, but the idea of being the first one to kneel for Sterling had taken root in his head. What
would it be like to be with a Dom who didn’t have any preconceived notions of how Kelly should
behave? They might be a bad match, there was no way to tell, but Kelly didn’t care. He wasn’t about
to let a beginner take a whip to his skin or chain him to the ceiling upside down or anything, but he
could show Sterling the basics.
“I’m interested.” Sterling’s voice didn’t waver, and Kelly found himself grinning at the younger
man.
“Good,” Kelly said. “Me, too.”
They traded quiet glances as they ate their meal. They both had a lot of things going on in their
heads, but it was Sterling who spoke first.
“Why are you interested? I mean, I’m a guy who wants to be a Dom who has zero experience in
anything.”
“I’m a submissive who has been out of the scene for a couple of years, Sterling. At this point in
my life, I don't know what I want anymore. I figured we could explore things together. What I can’t
show you, I can introduce you to people who can.”
Sterling let out a shaky breath. “Thank you. Even if Steve says I can’t play with any of the
members, I appreciate the offer.”
“If Steve says that, I can cancel my membership.” Kelly shrugged. The membership meant little to
him anymore. “I can always join later.”
“I don’t want you to give up your membership.” Sterling frowned. “I’ll talk to Steve about it. But
even if he says it’s not allowed, I want you to know I truly appreciate the offer.”
“Can I ask how you discovered kink? Everyone has a different aha moment.”
“I saw something that wasn’t meant for me to see.” Sterling shifted in his seat, like he was
uncomfortable. “A friend of mine, they’re a sub. I stopped by unannounced once and the curtains were
open a crack. I didn’t mean to look, but I saw movement and I looked. And,” Sterling waved his hand
in the air. “They were on their knees for someone and they just… the way they looked. I can’t
describe it.”
“And down the rabbit hole you went.”
Sterling nodded. “Knowing BDSM exists in the abstract differs from seeing it for yourself.”
“It’s overwhelming.” Kelly offered. Feeling a little bold, he reached across the table and put his
hand on Sterling’s.
Sterling’s gaze clashed with his and he didn’t pull his hand away. “It’s like I want so many things
that I can’t even really articulate what it is that I really want.”
“After a few years away, I think I know how you feel, but I have the benefit of experience. At
least I have a jumping off point.”
“And I feel like I’m standing at the deep end.” Sterling flipped his hand over and returned the
loose hold Kelly had on his hand.
“Well, I’m here with you.”
“Thank you.” Sterling said. “Tell me more about your ex.”
Kelly blinked at the subject change but rolled with it. “Quentin is a good man. Solid. Steady. He’s
considerate and amazing with a flogger. With anything, really. Our kinks fit fine in the playroom. But
he wanted a full time submissive. Someone who would more often than not let him take the lead. And
that’s not me. It was never me. But I tried. We met when I was at a weird place in my life. I was
getting older and feeling like I needed to settle down.”
“And then you met Quentin.”
Kelly nodded. “And then I met Quentin. Who had his own reasons for wanting to settle down. The
longer the relationship went, the less it worked. Because he wanted to have the dynamic all the time, I
found I wanted it less and less. And then not at all.”
“I’m sorry.”
Kelly shrugged and grabbed one of his remaining fries. He poked at the ketchup. “I used to be
sorry, but I’m less sorry now. Quentin is still one of my best friends. He tries to look out for me.”
“You must hate that.” Sterling laughed.
“It’s not so bad.” Kelly chuckled. “He knows where the line is and he’s careful not to cross it.”
“I’m glad you’re still friends. Break-ups can suck.”
“Do you speak from experience?”
“Doesn’t everybody?” Sterling offered Kelly a half smile. Their hands were still tangled together
on the top of the table in a loose but comforting embrace. “I used to work for the family at our
restaurant. It made dating fucking impossible, to be honest. And before I was old and wise, I’d dated
a dishwasher. It went bad, fast.”
“Doesn’t that make you worried about my offer? I mean, I don’t work here, but I’m a member. The
saying, don’t shit where you eat exists for a reason.”
Sterling’s hopeful smile was almost too cute for Kelly to bear. “I mean, Jeff was a spoiled little
psycho. He was hot, but he was a menace. That had been half the appeal at first, but the novelty wore
off so quickly. I think I still owe mom money for a lot of dishes he broke.”
“Yikes.”
 “Yeah. Aren’t you worried about it, though? About shitting where you eat? Because you’re a
member here. If things get weird…” Sterling trailed off like he wasn’t sure how to finish his
sentence.
“If things get weird, we’ll deal with it like adults. Plus, you don’t work seven days a week.”
Sterling exhaled and his shoulders dropped. He tightened his grip on Kelly’s hand and stroked his
thumb over Kelly’s skin. “I’ll talk to Steve soon, but I want to take some time to think about your
offer. If that’s okay.”
“That’s fine. Take all the time you need.”
“Can we exchange phone numbers on our way out? It would be nice to know how to reach you
without lurking here waiting for you to show up.” Sterling blushed.
“Were you waiting for me to come back?” Kelly asked.
“I liked talking to you. I like talking to you,” Sterling corrected.
Something warm bloomed in Kelly’s chest. He felt like he’d made a friend and he suddenly
couldn’t remember the last time that happened. As an adult, shit like that was hard. Everyone got
wrapped up in their own routines, making it hard to find new people to connect with. But befriending
Sterling had been as easy as breathing. “I like talking to you, too.”
They sat for hours after that, talking late into the night about Sterling’s experience working with
his family, which sounded nice, but also horrible. Sterling talked about how much he enjoyed not
seeing his relatives every day of the week. It solidified the decision Kelly had made earlier. If Steve
didn’t let employees play with members, Kelly would simply quit. Sterling needed the job and the
space to discover who he was, but he needed help, and Kelly wanted to be that person for him.
Maybe if he helped Sterling, Kelly could figure out what he wanted, and he’d stop feeling so lost.
It was worth a try.
 5

STERLING

STERLING ARRIVED EARLY for his next shift and found Steve in his office. The door to his office
was always open, unless it wasn’t. And if it wasn't, they informed Sterling it was a good idea to wait
ten minutes and come back rather than knocking.
Today, however. The door stood open, and Steve sat behind his desk. Upon Sterling entering,
Steve looked away from his computer screen and pulled the glasses off his face.
“Hey, Sterling. How’s your first week going? Any problems?” Steve motioned for him to take a
seat, and Sterling did so, but not until he eased the door shut.
Steve raised an eyebrow. “Is there a problem?”
Sterling sat down in one of the oversized leather chairs that sat across from Steve. “I hope not.
So, um.” He took a deep breath and remembered the words he’d practiced in the mirror earlier that
day. “There’s a member who I’m interested in, and I just wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t be
crossing any lines if I were to be more than his friend.”
Steve folded the arms of his glasses and set them down. “Matty convinced me to wear them when
I’m stuck at the computer. They cut down on the headaches. He said it’s something about the blue
light, but I think I’m getting old.” Steve rubbed his eyes. “There’s nothing in the policy that forbids
staff and members from seeing each other. No scenes while you’re on shift because that’s outside the
scope of the liability waivers all the members sign, but other than that, your time is your own.”
Sterling nodded as the knot of anxiety eased. “Thank you.”
“Kelly’s a good guy.” Steve said with a knowing smirk. It figures that Steve would know
everything that went on.
“Is it that obvious?” Sterling asked, his cheeks heating. And here he thought he was too old to
blush.
“He is the only member you’ve talked to at any length. I assumed. He’s been away from the scene
for a while, but he knows what he’s doing.”
Sterling laughed. “That makes one of us.”
Steve leaned back in his chair. He studied Sterling for a quiet moment. “If you needed a friendly
ear, I’d be happy to listen. Or if you wanted a demonstration, I’d prefer it if you came to me and I can
show you or set you up with someone.”
Sterling forced a smile. “That’s kind of you, Sir.”
“But?”
“You’re really intimidating.”
Steve’s smile spread from ear to ear. “I know. And yet there you sit, asking if you can play with
one of my members. A bold move.” Steve said with approval in his voice. He checked the time on his
watch and rose from his desk. “If you’ll excuse me, I have a phone call to make.” He reached across
the desk and shook Sterling’s hand before sitting back down.
Sterling left the meeting feeling a little lightheaded. He clocked in and tied an apron around his
waist, then headed up behind the bar and settled into another shift. Sterling spent as much time as he
could trying to watch people without it being obvious about it.
After his shift ended, Sterling felt too wound up to go to sleep, despite the late hour. His phone
was full of unanswered texts from his family, and a few from Kelly that had dropped during his shift.
Sterling flopped back on the bed in his apartment. He lived in an apartment above a barbershop. It
wasn’t the most glamorous of accommodations, and it was on the main strip that led to the hospital,
which meant all hours of the day and night wailing sirens could be heard. But it was his, and that’s all
that mattered.
Sterling reluctantly read the messages from his family. Mom wanted him to come for dinner on his
next days off. Everyone knew what kind of place Desires was, and when he’d told his mom he’d
taken a job there, she’d looked strangely unsurprised. Then again, Lorraine was a woman of many
faces. Doting mother. Loving wife. Hardass boss. Smiling restaurant manager, capable of taking down
even the most determined Karen.
He was no match for her. Sterling agreed to stop by on his days off but for lunch instead of dinner.
After all, he had something else going on now. Sterling quickly responded to the rest of his messages.
One from his brother, who complained endlessly about the new sous chef. One from the sous chef
who complained endlessly about Sterling’s brother. He didn’t miss the soap opera.
Taking a deep breath, he opened Kelly’s text message.
How did it go with Steve?
Sterling smiled at his phone. Barely able to contain his excitement, he texted Kelly back. He
detailed the meeting with Steve, and that he’d gotten the all clear. He also told Kelly that they had to
keep their relationship strictly off the clock.
Which suited Sterling just fine. He wasn’t sure he was ready for a club environment just yet.
Whenever he thought about being with someone, be it Jade, or Kelly, or a faceless shape of a person,
he’d never pictured himself in a club.
In his living room. His bedroom. Even his kitchen. The idea of a club was equal parts exciting
and terrifying. Sterling’s phone vibrated in his hand, and he jolted in surprise. That Kelly was calling
him and not texting him back instead, proved he was a few years older than Sterling. No one of
Sterling’s age called people anymore unless it was to make an appointment, and even then, it was
under duress.
“Hello?” Sterling answered, feeling a little awkward.
“Is it too late to call?” Kelly asked. “I figured it’d be okay because you were awake.”
“It’s fine,” Sterling put his phone on speaker and let it rest on his chest as he stared at the ceiling.
“I’m not used to having actual phone conversations, that’s all.”
Kelly’s quiet laugh filled Sterling’s empty room. “Texting is fine, but some things are better
discussed in person. Or at least when you can hear the other person’s voice.”
“Especially if you plan on being sarcastic. I’ll admit that I don’t always pick up on internet
sarcasm.”
“That makes two of us,” Kelly admitted.
An awkward silence fell between them. Sterling wasn't sure how to bridge the conversation. But
he had to start somewhere if he was going to be a half decent Dom, he had to show some initiative.
 “I’ll admit to feeling like I’ve gotten in over my head.” Sterling exhaled a drawn out sigh. “The
club is… intimidating. But I don’t want to ask you to be somewhere with me you’re not comfortable.
So… where would you be comfortable meeting me?” Sterling wiped his sweaty hand on his bedding.
“I’m sure we’d be fine at your place or mine. Your comfort is also important. I won't be letting
you string me up and take knives to my skin or anything, at least not to begin with.”
“Jesus, Kelly.” Sterling laughed, his tension easing a little. “That’s a horrible joke. And for the
record, knives aren’t my thing. Same with blood. I guess I just discovered two of my hard limits.
What are your hard limits?” Sterling asked, partly out of curiosity, partly because he was desperate to
steer the conversation away from him for a nanosecond so he could get his bearings.
“I never liked blood play. No knives. I don’t mind spit, but not in my face. Cum is fine anywhere.
Piss is fine, but no scat.”
“Those are definitely limits we can agree on.” Sterling’s cock took notice of the conversation and
thickened. Sterling popped the fly of his pants open and took his dick out. It wasn’t a porn star dick or
anything. It was as average as the rest of him. Not too thick or too long. It hadn’t earned Sterling a lot
of praise, but neither did he get any complaints. He called that a win.
Sterling took himself in hand and gave his cock a lazy stroke. “Tell me about something you like.”
The command came easy. Probably because he didn’t have to stand in a room and pretend to know
what he was doing. There was no one here to see anything, and that emboldened him.
“Well, I…” Kelly said but Sterling cut him off.
“Get your cock out first, Kelly.”
There was a silence on the other end and terror shot through him until he heard a quiet groan come
over the line.
“Tell me what you like,” Sterling repeated. Rolling on his side, he grabbed his lube from his
bedside table. He squirted some directly onto his dick, then grabbed it, sliding his hand up and down
to spread the lube.
“I like making people happy.” Kelly breathed. “I like feeling helpless, but cared for. I like being
told no. Denial is…” Kelly groaned. “I like earning it.”
Sterling latched onto every word Kelly uttered and filed them away in his mind for later when he
could think beyond the dick in his hand and the hot as hell man at the other end of the phone line.
“You like praise and denial. Good boy. I like that. What else do you like?” Sterling kept his
strokes slow and even. He wanted to get off, but not yet.
“I like a lot of things. Spanking, impact play in general.” Kelly’s voice drifted away, but Sterling
could hear his quiet, ragged breaths.”
“What else, Kelly? What do you want me to do to you?” Sterling twisted his grip, dragging his
palm over the sensitive head of his cock.
“I… want to be good for you.”
“You already are.”
Kelly groaned. “I’m so close.”
“But you’re going to wait. You’re going to hold off, aren’t you? I need to hear more of what you
want. I need to know how to make you happy.” In another life, Sterling would’ve been picturing Jade
on the other end of the phone, but all he could see was Kelly. He imagined him stretched out on his
bed; much the same way Sterling was. But he was naked and writhing and desperate.
“I don’t like being shared.” Kelly said with a slight hitch in his voice.
“Good, because I’m far too greedy for that. Keep going, tell me more and I might let you come.” It
felt wrong in a way to be so bossy and forward with Kelly when they hadn’t formally negotiated
anything, and he almost stopped to ask. Then, he reasoned, since it was phone sex, Kelly didn’t have
to participate. He didn’t have to listen to Sterling’s demands. He could end the call at any moment.
Sterling's balls tightened as his whole body responded to that bit of knowledge. Kelly was on the
other end of the phone, doing what Sterling wanted him to do for no other reason than Kelly wanted to
do it.
“I like… being important. Being used. Being bound and tied and helpless, or without my senses.
Pain is fine, but no damage. And ropework is beautiful, but I get bored, to be honest.”
“That’s good to know, Kelly. You’re doing so good. Tell me now. Tell me how hard you are.”
Kelly groaned. “I haven’t been this hard in months.” A quiet laugh tumbled out of his mouth. “My
balls are aching so much.”
“Do you need to come?” Sterling’s heart thumped against his ribs. His best daydream didn’t come
close to this.
“Please.”
“If you’re a good boy and tell me what you’re doing, how you’re getting yourself off, what it feels
like, you can come. Can you do that?”
“Yes.” Kelly’s voice sounded choked with want.
“Then do it.”
“Fuck. I don’t have quite enough lube, so it’s rough. It hurts just the right way. I like… oh fuck…
hard strokes. I like to feel it. Oh god.” Kelly was quiet for a second. Nothing but the sound of barely
controlled ragged breaths. “My whole body is hot and my balls are so full they’re tight and smooth. I
—oh shit. If I stroke just a little faster, I’ll blow.”
“Do it.” Sterling whispered in the dark.
“I’m—uh… fuck… I’m…” Kelly’s words left him as his orgasm slammed into him. Sterling was
right behind him. The sound of Kelly panting and moaning sent him over the edge. Sterling arched his
back and came, a stripe of cum reached the underside of his chin. The rest coated his hand.
“That was amazing,” Sterling said. “Are you… okay? I’m not sure the proper protocol for… was
that okay? What we did?”
Kelly had the graciousness not to laugh at him. “It was more than okay,” Kelly reassured him.
“Definitely more than okay. Holy shit.”
“I have cum all over my shirt. And my hand. And my chin.” Sterling laughed. “I’d like to try this
out in person.”
“I would, too.”
“I really need a shower. And to get the cum off my shirt before it stains.”
“And I have to get some sleep.”
“I’m sorry I kept you awake.”
Kelly laughed. “Don’t apologize. I’ll sleep like a rock now.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow and we’ll make a plan, okay?”
“Sounds good. Good night. Oh, and Sterling…”
“Yeah?”
“That was amazing.”
Sterling was still grinning like an idiot when he climbed into bed twenty minutes later, freshly
showered.
 6

KELLY

IN THE NICER MONTHS, Kelly liked to take his lunch to the park down the street. He had a bench
he liked to sit at, or a tree he’d sit under if the bench was occupied. The only problem with his routine
was that it made him too easy to find.
He saw Quentin approach from the street, hands tucked into his pockets. He appeared to be at
ease, but Kelly saw the set in his jaw and the stiffness in his shoulders when he approached.
Quentin sat down next to him.
“By all means,” Kelly carefully peeled the wrapper off his muffin. “Have a seat.”
“You’ve been avoiding me,” Quentin said.
“If I were avoiding you, I wouldn’t have eaten here, where you knew I’d be.” Kelly gave his ex
the side eye. “Why are you here?”
“How did it go at the club?”
“I’m doing well. Thank you for asking. How’s work? Are you still the key managing director or
did they finally give you the VP role?”
Quentin sighed. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
Kelly bit into his muffin instead of answering Quentin. They were still friends. Sometimes Kelly
thought of Quentin as his best friend, but that didn’t mean he always particularly liked him. Part of the
breakdown of their relationship had been how much control Quentin wanted. In the bedroom, Kelly
was fine giving up many things. Even out of the bedroom, he had no problem making certain
concessions.
But Quentin would cut the crusts off Kelly’s bread if he wasn’t looking. He’d manage his schedule
down to the second. Quentin was too much sometimes, like he had a hard time turning off his need to
control everything. It wasn’t healthy and Kelly had called him on it before.
“I know you think I’m doing it again, but I’m not. You’re my friend and I’m allowed to worry
about you.”
Kelly swallowed his bite of food and dropped the other half of the muffin into Quentin’s hand.
“I’m a grown man. I navigated the scene before I met you and I’ll do just fine navigating it now.”
Quentin sighed and stuffed his face with the muffin. They were quiet for a few minutes. Quentin
because he had a mouthful, and Kelly because he wanted to think of how much he felt willing to tell
Quentin.
“I’m being careful.” Kelly wondered about the truth of that. Because he wasn’t about to let
Sterling do anything extreme to him, not without training and supervision. The fact remained that
Sterling was new on the scene and even experienced Doms fucked up.
 “Are you?” Quentin arched an eyebrow.
“He’s younger, but we’re taking it slow. Glacial, even.” Kelly’s cock twitched at the memory of
the previous night. The phone sex had been spontaneous but off the charts hot. And for as new as
Sterling was to being in charge, Kelly thought he did remarkably well.
“Is it anyone I know?”
“Not likely.” Kelly crumpled the muffin wrapper and tossed it into his insulated lunch kit. He
rummaged around and pulled out two cherry suckers. He handed one to Quentin, then tore the plastic
off the second and stuffed it in his mouth.
Quentin looked at him expectantly, and he was aware of it. But Kelly didn’t care. Despite their
ongoing friendship, the fact remained that Quentin was in the past and he no longer had the privilege
of demanding answers that Kelly didn’t want to give.
“You’re not going to tell me, are you?” Quentin’s shoulders slumped. After a heavy sigh, he
tugged the wrapper off his sucker and tucked it into his mouth. “I just want to make sure you’re okay. I
know we’re not together, but we are friends. Aren’t we?”
“Yes, we’re friends. But you’re not my Dom anymore, and you don’t have permission to make
demands of me. I’ll answer what I want to and nothing else. Understand?”
Quentin had the decency to look sheepish. “Right. Sorry. Old habits, and all that.” Quentin tugged
the sucker out of his mouth. “I can’t believe you only eat the red ones still.”
“I like what I like.”
“I’m just saying yellow is also an acceptable flavor.”
Kelly rolled his eyes. “Next you’ll be telling me that green is good.”
Quentin made a face. “I don’t trust green. You never know if it’s apple or lime.”
The timer on Kelly’s phone buzzed. It was time for him to start walking back to work. He zipped
his lunch bag shut and got to his feet. “Are you walking back with me?”
“Am I allowed?”
“If you’re going to be a jackass, no.”
Quentin got to his feet and fell into step beside Kelly. “For the record, I’m happy you’re looking
again.”
“And you?” Kelly asked. At one time, it had hurt to think of Quentin finding someone else. It
wasn’t Kelly’s fault that they weren’t as compatible as they’d tried to be. But it had stung for a long
time. Sometimes, despite knowing the truth of things, he’d hated the idea that he hadn’t been enough
for Quentin. In another life, perhaps, they might have made it work. But not in this one.
“I’ve been to a few private events. There’re some interesting people, but nothing has worked
beyond doing a single scene here or there.” Quentin shoved his hands in his pockets again.
“You’ll find someone.”
Quentin rolled his shoulders back and pinned his gaze straight ahead. “Thanks for thinking that.”
“Just because we didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that nothing will.”
“I was too much for you.” Quentin stated. The angst poured off Quentin in waves.
“If you look at the other side of the coin, I wasn’t enough for you.”
Quentin stopped walking. He wrenched his hand free of his pocket and grabbed Kelly’s arm.
“That’s not true.”
Kelly nodded. “It is true, though. But just because we were wrong for each other, it doesn’t mean
that we’re not right for someone else.”
Quentin stared at him; his hand still firmly wrapped around Kelly’s wrist like a lifeline. After a
few beats, Quentin nodded and released his grip. His hand returned to his pocket, and they started
walking again.
“We really were a mess, weren’t we?” Quentin said when they’d reached Kelly’s destination.
“We were. Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean we’re wrong for anyone else.”
“Just for each other,” Quentin finished. “I hope it works out for you, with whoever it is you’re
seeing.”
Kelly wanted to tell Quentin that Sterling was just a friend. A new friend and that Kelly wasn’t
sure what he wanted from seeing him, but it felt like too much truth to share on the corner of a busy
street in broad daylight.
But after last night, when Sterling had told him to take his cock in his hand and get himself off, to
describe what he liked, it didn’t feel like the casual title of just a friend fit Sterling anymore. He
wasn’t sure what they were. Dominant and submissive. Bartender and patron. Friends, yes, but maybe
something a little more.
He didn’t want to say it out loud. Speaking it into existence would make what they did real. Right
now, it was a fever dream. A moment of insane weakness. But it had felt good to let go, to do what he
was told.
Kelly had loved the spontaneousness of it, the sudden tumble into something he’d missed like
oxygen. He could still hear Sterling in his mind, talking to him, urging him to spill all his secrets.
Kelly bid Quentin a quick goodbye, then hurried back to work. He stowed his lunch bag away and
was about to get back to work when his phone buzzed with an incoming call.
It was Sterling. Kelly answered with a smile on his face. His cock immediately thickened because
apparently his dick now had a Pavlovian response to Sterling’s telephone voice.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Kelly. I hope you’re not busy. I said I’d call, and I wanted to do that before my day gets
away from me.”
“I’m not too busy. I just got back from lunch.”
“I wanted to know if I could see you Tuesday night. You could come over for dinner and we can
get to know each other better.”
“I’d like that.” Kelly was thankful to be sitting at his desk where no one could see the raging hard
on he sported. He felt like a stupid, horny teenager.
“Good, I’m glad. Uh, about last night…” Sterling trailed off, like he was searching for the right
words to say.
“It was good. Great, even. I had fun.”
Sterling laughed, quiet and breathy. “Good. I’d worried. I know you said as much last night, but…
I hadn’t planned on that, you know.”
“I know, but don’t get anxious, Sterling. It was…” Kelly closed his eyes and recalled the euphoric
feeling that flooded him when Sterling had been talking to him, telling him to describe his actions.
“You were amazing.”
“Thank you. Uh… I have to go. I have a few things to take care of before my shift starts. If you
wanted to stop by the club sometime this week, I’d love to see you.”
“I’d like that.” Kelly glanced at the clock and groaned internally. “I have a meeting to prepare
for.”
“No worries. I have things I need to get done, but I wanted to check in with you. I hope to see you
soon.”
“What time does your shift start? Maybe I can pop in for a late dinner.”
“I work from six until two.”
 “I’ll see you later, then.” Kelly promised.
“Excellent. Bye Kelly.”
“Bye.” Kelly ended the call and took a deep breath. Last night, Sterling had mentioned that he felt
as though he were in over his head. Kelly discovered his new friend might not be the only one.
“Kelly Russo, what are you doing?” He asked himself as he shoved his phone away. His meeting
was via video chat, thank god, because his dick was still hard as granite and it would’ve been awful
to have to walk into a meeting with a giant hard on.
On paper, they made no sense. Kelly worked in an office and wore boring button downs. His desk
job made him soft around the middle, but he liked food and hated exercise. His body was empty of
piercings and tattoos, and he’d been in and around the kink scene since he was old enough to get into
the clubs.
Sterling was ten years his junior with pierced ears and delightfully floppy hair. He looked like the
years in a restaurant had kept him in decent shape, lifting things and being on his feet all day. He
didn’t know if Sterling had any tattoos or if he had piercings anywhere else. His newness to the kink
scene might have deterred a lot of other people, but to Kelly, it was almost as if Sterling were a
breath of fresh air.
There was a slight chance Kelly was already obsessed with him and that should scare him more
than it did.
 7

STERLING

ROBBIE STRETCHED out on Sterling’s bed, his feet crossed at the ankles. “Don’t wear the black.
The dark red is better. Your eyes will stand out more.”
Sterling put the black shirt back and grabbed the dark red one Robbie suggested. “Are you sure?”
“About the red shirt? Yes. About this whole, become a kink god to hopefully one day win the heart
of my one true crush? The jury is still out on that one.”
“Ouch.” Sterling slid the red Henley over his head and pushed the sleeves up. “Tell me how you
really feel.”
Robbie didn’t miss a beat. “I think it’s a shit idea to cut your teeth on some random person if
you’re not honest about your feelings for someone else.”
Sterling deflated like a balloon. “Dude. Harsh.” Sterling grabbed his belt off the dresser and
threaded it through the loops of his skinny jeans.
“You asked.” Robbie leaned back. His expression softened. “I probably shouldn’t have been so
blunt, but I’ve had people string me along before. It’s not a good feeling.”
Sterling resisted the urge to rake his hands through his hair. It had taken him ages to get it to lie
right, and he didn’t want to mess it up. Robbie was probably right. And Sterling hated it. He dropped
on the edge of his bed and put his head in his hands.
“I feel like a shit.” Sterling admitted. “I didn’t think of it like that.”
But when he’d had Kelly on the phone, it hadn’t been Jade who Sterling thought of. The only
person on his mind at the time had been Kelly. It had been Kelly’s face Sterling pictured, Kelly’s
voice mesmerizing him. Jade hadn’t even entered Sterling’s mind.
Still, when Sterling thought about Jade, he got a tightness in his chest. He’d liked Jade for as long
as he’d known them. And though they hadn’t been the only reason he’d quit working at the family
restaurant and joined a kink club, they were a big part of it.
But his journey had to be his own. Maybe at one time, he’d been foolish enough to think that he
could make Jade like him by being kinky enough, but that ship sailed. Because Kelly liked him enough
to jerk himself off over the phone. He didn’t mind that Sterling was new and didn’t know what he was
doing. He’d been willing to meet with him, anyway. And that meant something to him. He couldn’t put
a name to the feeling, but he recognized the importance of it.
“I hate that you’re right.” Sterling begrudgingly admitted. “I’ll tell Kelly about Jade when I see
him tonight.”
Sterling hoped it wouldn’t be a deal breaker, because as hung up on Jade as Sterling still was, his
fondness for Kelly grew with every interaction. He wasn’t so hung up on Jade that he couldn’t see the
beauty in Kelly. The smattering of gray. The solid body Sterling ached to touch. The gentle smile and
quiet confidence Kelly possessed were all things that endeared Sterling to him.
“You’re making the right choice.” Robbie shuffled forward and sat next to Sterling. He slid an
arm around his shoulders. “You have nothing if you don’t have honesty,” Robbie paused. “Was that
too much?”
Sterling turned to him and grimaced. “You sound like a fortune cookie.”
“Too much.” Robbie nodded in agreement, then he got to his feet. “Talk to your friend. Lay it on
the line. Play with people’s dicks, not their hearts.”
“That was definitely not fortune cookie material.”
Robbie shrugged. “I don’t know. I kind of liked it.” He pulled his keys from his pocket. “I’ll get
out of your hair. But don’t forget to text me next week so we can plan something for Jade’s birthday.”
Sterling pulled his phone out and set a reminder. “There, now I won’t forget. Now get out of my
hair so I can leave. I don’t want to be late.”
“Remember, Sterling. Dicks, not hearts.”
Sterling rolled his eyes. “Yes, Dad.”
“That’s not my kink, but I’m glad you see things my way. Which we all know is the right way. See
you later. Have fun. Wear a condom. Lube is good. More lube is better.”
“Jesus, Robbie.” Sterling said, but Robbie was already halfway out the door. Sterling didn’t want
to be presumptuous. There were a lot of things he and Kelly had yet to talk about, and sex was one of
them.
Sterling took a deep breath and got to his feet. He grabbed a condom from his bedside table and
stuffed it in his pocket. Though Sterling had suffered through his crush on Jade for quite some time
now, that hadn’t deterred him from having sex. While he believed in being faithful to someone, that
only applied to people he was in a relationship with. He couldn’t be faithful to someone he didn’t feel
committed to.
But in a relationship, he had to agree with Kelly. The idea of sharing yourself with someone you
weren’t in a relationship with made his stomach churn. At heart, Sterling was a clear monogamist. All
he’d ever wanted was to find that one special person.
His phone beeped, and he pulled it out of his pocket. It was a text from Jade, wishing him luck.
Another text came in right after. It was from Kelly, saying that he looked forward to seeing him.
Sterling didn’t know which text it was that had made his pulse race and his stomach flip, so he
answered both in quick succession, then tucked his phone away and grabbed his car keys. He gave
himself a quick once-over in the mirror, then left for Kelly’s house.
Kelly lived across town in a nice little suburb with white picket fences and window boxes filled
with flowers. Pulling into Kelly’s driveway made Sterling suddenly infinitely glad that they hadn’t
agreed to meet at Sterling’s one bedroom above a barbershop apartment. Not that Sterling was
comparing their lives. Except—he was.
But he was already here and leaving now would be stupid. Inside that house waited a perfectly
nice man whom Sterling hadn’t been able to stop thinking about. He still remembered the raspy
quality of Kelly’s voice after he came and the way his breath had sounded over the line.
There was no turning back now. Sterling got out of the car and forced himself to walk to the front
door with his head held high. He wouldn’t shoot himself in the foot with negative self-talk. Besides,
he owed Kelly the full truth because apparently Robbie was right.
The door swung open before Sterling got all the way up the stairs. Kelly greeted him with a
radiant smile and just a hint of nervous energy.
 “I’m glad you made it,” Kelly said, pulling the door open wider and stepping out of the way to let
Sterling inside. “I hope you didn’t have trouble finding it. The city planner must’ve been drunk when
they built this neighborhood.”
Sterling toed out of his shoes. “GPS is the best invention. Especially for people like me who have
no sense of direction.” Sterling let himself look around Kelly’s home. It was cozier than he’d
expected. Maybe because he’d met Kelly at the bar of a kink club, he’d expected his house to look
less modern-suburban-guy and more spank-me-harder-daddy. But there wasn’t a speck of black
leather to be seen. Just oversized comfortable looking furniture and a half finished jigsaw puzzle on
the coffee table. Next to it sat a bowl of red suckers.
“Someone has a sweet tooth.” Sterling shoved his hands in his pockets and tried his best not to
appear awkward. He wasn’t sure he succeeded.
“They’re my kryptonite, but only the red ones. Can I get you a drink? Beer? Wine? Coffee? Water?
I think I have some blackberry blueberry juice.”
“Water’s fine.” Though he really wanted a beer. And wine. And maybe a hole to crawl into and
die.
“Follow me and I’ll give you the grand tour.”
“It’s a nice house. Cozy.” Sterling said as he followed Kelly through to the kitchen.
“I’ve only lived here since my divorce, but I’ve worked hard to make it my own. I’m shit with
power tools, but I managed to hang new curtains and roll some fresh paint on the walls.” Kelly
opened the fridge and grabbed a pitcher of filtered water. He poured a glass for himself and one for
Sterling.
Sterling took the water and had a sip while he looked around the kitchen. He smiled at the decor.
“I like the cows.” Sterling’s gaze roamed through the room, taking in all the little bovine-themed
knickknacks. Salt and pepper shaker cows. Cow print towels. A cow cookie jar. Cow head spoon
rest.
“My grandma collected cow stuff. Some stuff was hers, like the cookie jar and the salt and pepper
shakers. Some are things I added, like the towels and such.” Kelly’s cheeks tinged pink, and Sterling
wanted to cross the room and kiss him for it.
“I think it’s sweet. Were you and your grandma close?”
“We were.” Kelly took a long drink of water, then set down his half empty glass. “Let me finish
showing you around.”
Clearly Kelly’s grandma was a tough subject, one unsuited to the evening they’d planned. Well,
planned was a strong word. Sterling had no plan. He had a glass of water, a brain full of ideas, and a
confession on the tip of his tongue.
Kelly led him out the back door to a screened in deck. It was lit by hanging lanterns and had low,
comfortable looking furniture covered in cushions and pillows. A small barbeque sat on the other end
of the deck. The backyard wasn’t anything special, but there was a hammock strung between two
large trees at the far end.
“It’s nice out here.” Sterling took a breath. “Someone’s barbequing. Smells amazing. The only
random scent I get where I live is vehicle exhaust, and sometimes if the wind blows right, I get a
whiff of the Indian restaurant up the street. We’ll have to go there some time. They have amazing
food.”
“I’d like that.” Kelly said.
His quiet admission was enough to get Sterling’s guts churning with guilt. Robbie was right, damn
him. “Can we sit? It looks comfy here and there’s some stuff I’d like to talk about with you.”
 “Of course.” Kelly waved a hand at the array of cushions. “Take your pick.”
Sterling lowered himself onto a thick bean bag type chair and moved a pillow out of his way. He
set his water down on the table and waited for Kelly to get comfortable.
“I haven’t said a word and I already feel like I’m fucking shit up.” Sterling said as he searched for
the right way to phrase things. He liked Kelly as a friend, and maybe, no, definitely something more
than that. He wanted to see where this went, but Robbie had got in his head and Sterling knew he had
to do the right thing.
Kelly reached over and put his hand on Sterling’s knee. He didn’t say anything, he just sat quietly,
patiently waiting for Sterling to find his voice.
“Remember how I was first interested in kink?”
“You saw your friend.”
Sterling nodded. “They were why I was first interested in kink. They’re why I bought no less than
half a dozen books about it and why I spent all my spare time reading about Dominants and
submissives, protocols and shit. At first, part of me wanted to learn how to be what they wanted, so I
could maybe have a chance at being with them.” Sterling put his hand over Kelly’s. “I’ve liked them
for a long time, Kelly. But… when we were on the phone, and you were touching yourself for me. You
were all I was capable of thinking of.”
Sterling slid his gaze up and he forced himself to meet Kelly’s eyes. The level of understanding he
saw staring back at him was a surprise. He’d half expected to see hurt, or anger, but Kelly was all
soft and calm.
“You’re not mad?”
Kelly shook his head. “I’m not mad, Sterling. I’m glad you told me so I can save you from making
the same mistakes I made.”
“What’s that?”
“Trying to fit yourself into someone else’s box isn’t any way to live a life. You could be the best
Dom in the club and still be wrong fit for someone.”
Sterling exhaled. “I’d honestly imagined you throwing me out after I told you.”
Kelly shook his head gently. “You were honest, weren’t you? That it was me who you were
thinking of when we were on the phone?”
“Of course.” Sterling felt his cheeks heat and he couldn’t hope to school his shit-eating grin. “You
were beyond amazing. That was the hottest thing I’ve experienced in my whole life. That phone call
will be the subject of many jerk-off sessions.”
“And it was me you were focused on. Not your other friend, right?”
Sterling nodded. “That was the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“I—I’d wanted to learn how for them. So I could maybe one day be that for them.”
“And now? Why do you want to learn now?”
Sterling thought about his answer carefully. That very question had lived in the back of his mind
for days now. “I want to learn for myself, because there’s something about doing this that means
something to me, but I don’t know what it means.”
Kelly gave Sterling a smile that was far too sexy to be real.
“Then let me help you find out.”
 8

KELLY

A MILLION YEARS had passed since Kelly had discovered kink, but it felt like it was just yesterday
that he was an unsure first timer, cutting his teeth on something he wasn’t sure he should do, but
couldn’t seem to stop himself from wanting. Kelly knew firsthand what it was like to see the scene
from the perspective of a newbie. He remembered keenly, looking at the leather clad men and the
ocean of skin. He remembered basking in the sounds of pleasure and pain and not being able to tell
them apart. Kelly had once stood on the precipice and searched for meaning, ready to take the plunge
but deathly afraid there wouldn’t be anyone to catch him.
“Let’s go inside where it’s a little more private.” Kelly stood and waited for Sterling to follow
him. “If you’re comfortable, I can finish showing you around.”
“I’d like that.” Sterling’s voice was steadier than it had been a few minutes ago when he’d been
confessing his sins. Kelly smiled at the thought of Sterling’s confession. It had been plain as day to
Kelly that Sterling had an interest in whoever the mystery person was that he’d seen kneeling. And
Kelly didn’t care so long as it was Kelly who Sterling thought about when they were together.
“There’s no basement here, just a crawlspace. And I could’ve bought something bigger, but it’s
just me, so I didn’t see the point.” Kelly led Sterling down the hallway. “Bathroom is on the left. My
bedroom is dead ahead. But door number three is where the fun happens.” Kelly put his hand on the
doorknob and turned to face Sterling. He felt suddenly shy and exposed when faced with the reality of
the moment.
“We don’t have to go in there if you’re not comfortable,” Sterling said, his brow pinched with
concern.
Kelly didn’t have to force his smile. “I wanted to tell you, though I’ve worked hard on this room,
you’re the first person who I’ve actually let inside it in its completed state.”
Sterling was quiet for a second before he gave Kelly a shy smile. “Then I should say thank you.
I’m… honored to be the first to see it.”
Kelly made himself open the door. It wasn’t locked because he never had the kind of company to
be offended if they snooped. Kelly stepped into the room and snapped the overhead light on.
He watched Sterling take it all in with wide, curious eyes and slightly upturned lips. He clearly
liked what he saw.
“It’s not very dungeon-like.” Kelly admitted. He’d installed a wall of modular LED lights that
changed color. There was a sex swing that hung from an eyelet in the ceiling. Having the setup
secured to the rafters, it could carry more weight than Kelly would ever need to put on it.
“I like it. Do those lights change color?” Sterling noticed the honeycomb shaped LEDs that
sprawled across the far wall.
“I have them hooked to my phone. They can stay on a single color, or change in patterns. I can also
set them to blink to the music.”
Sterling grinned and slowly turned, taking in the rest of the room. “Mood lighting. Sex swing.”
His gaze roamed over to the bed. It was just a single to leave more room for play. Sterling looked at
the bed, then at Kelly. “Rubber sheets?”
“Noisy, but easier to wipe down.”
Sterling reached down and adjusted himself, making no attempt to hide the gesture. “This room is
amazing.”
Pride swelled in Kelly, and he pulled his phone out. He tapped a few buttons, and the lights
glowed a soft blue, then they changed to purple. Kelly reached over and shut the overhead light off.
Sterling continued to look awed by Kelly’s little kink oasis. Then he spotted the slim five drawer
dresser that stood under the window. “Is that where all the fun stuff lives?”
“Have a look. There’s also some stuff in the closet.”
Sterling didn’t, though Kelly could tell he wanted to.
“I’m really the first person to see this?” Sterling looked so young at that moment. Young and full
of so much hope and desire that he didn’t seem to know what to do with it all.
“The very first.” Kelly promised. “I had someone install the ceiling hooks and someone else come
in to set up the LED lights because I’m hopeless with those kinds of things. And well, if you’re going
to load someone into a sex swing, you don’t want them to climb in and rip your ceiling down on top
of them. So it had to be done right.”
Sterling nodded his approval. “Makes sense.” His gaze roamed the room once more before
coming back to meet Kelly’s. “I don’t know what to do? I feel like… there’s so much I want to do, to
have, but I don’t know how to get it. We still must talk about limits and rules and relationship
parameters but all I really want is…”
Kelly stepped closer. “What? What do you want?” He looked down at Sterling’s hand and
reached for it. Hooking his pinky around Sterling’s index finger, he spoke again, but softer. “If one of
us says stop, we stop. If I don’t like something, I’ll tell you. For now, no restraints. No toys. No
games. Just two men who want the same thing, even if neither of them is exactly sure of what.”
“No restraints. No toys. No games.” Sterling repeated. “What about… sex?”
Kelly’s cock throbbed to the pulse of his frantic heart. “Please.”
Sterling huffed out a quiet laugh. “I brought a condom. But I don’t know that… I feel like I
should’ve had something planned. Like a script. Or at least a vague idea of what I wanted to
happen.”
Kelly raised his gaze. “What do you want, Sterling? You can tell me. It’s why I’m here. With you.
Doing this.”
The quiet stretched forever. Kelly dropped his gaze to where his pinky crooked around Sterling’s
index finger. The silence felt bursting with anticipation. The air was thick with tension. Kelly’s cock
ached as he endured the wait.
“What do you want, Sterling?” Kelly asked again. This time, Sterling had an answer for him.
“I want you to kneel.”
Kelly’s hand slid away from Sterling’s and he sank to his knees with far less grace than he used to
have. Time and lack of practice had robbed him of his submissive elegance and his knees thumped
against the floor. Kelly hissed in a breath and Sterling gasped, his fingers automatically combed
through Kelly’s hair.
 God. Kelly took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Had it always been like this? The moment, the
simple act of kneeling for someone had Kelly’s insides turning to liquid and trying to leak out of his
eyes. A few deep breaths steadied him, and he tilted his head back to look up at Sterling.
He stood, mouth slightly agape, eyes wide and full of wonder, his fingers still tangled up in
Kelly’s hair.
“That’s the hottest thing anyone has ever done for me.”
Kelly put his hands on his thighs. Ideally, he’d have been naked, but baby steps were fine.
Besides, there was something potent about being like this fully dressed, still kneeling for someone.
Waiting with bated breath for a command. For a word of praise. For anything at all, and being content,
even if waiting, was all he did.
Sterling hooked a finger under Kelly’s chin and bent at the waist. He towered over Kelly. Leaning
down, Sterling brought his mouth kissably close.
“Tell me to stop if you want me to stop,” Sterling warned.
Kelly answered him with silence. He let his eyes drift shut as Sterling’s lips brushed against his.
Once. Then again. Then a tongue flicked at the seam of Kelly’s mouth, and he opened for him, granting
access for Sterling’s greedy tongue.
The trembling newness of kissing someone for the first time quickly brightened into a searing heat
when Sterling cradled Kelly’s face in his hands and plundered his mouth with his tongue. Kelly
forced himself not to reach for Sterling. His cock ached and his knees wouldn’t be so forgiving of this
later, but good god, Sterling could kiss.
After an eternity, Sterling pulled away slowly. He carded his fingers through Kelly’s hair again,
almost as if petting him.
“That was amazing, thank you.”
Kelly lifted his gaze, then lowered it, letting it linger on the rock hard bulge in Sterling’s pants
before he raised it again.
“Is there something you want?” Sterling teased gently.
“Please,” Kelly said, giving voice to his own need. His mouth watered at the thought of having
Sterling’s cock in his mouth, of learning about the weight and taste of it on his tongue. It had been
forever since Kelly had wanted something as bad as he wanted this.
“Do you prefer to use a condom for oral?” Sterling asked, almost hesitantly.
“No, it’s okay.” Kelly wanted the taste of Sterling. “I got tested after my divorce, and I haven’t
been with anyone since, but I went again recently.”
“I went a few months ago after my last hook up, but not since. I haven’t been with anyone since
that test, but I’ll go again.”
Kelly nodded before remembering to use his words. “Then no condom.”
“Then there’s only two questions left to ask.” Sterling smirked. “Do you swallow? And do you
think you can get my dick out of my pants without using your hands?”
Kelly smirked. “Yes, and hell yes.”
Sterling straightened a little, then arched his eyebrow.
Kelly closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Sterling’s fingers teased their way across Kelly’s
scalp again.
“Whenever you’re ready,” Sterling said, his voice quiet, but firm all the same.
Kelly leaned forward and kept his hands on his thighs. He nuzzled his face against Sterling’s
bulge, then looked up and found Sterling watching him with a hooded gaze and more desire than Kelly
knew what to do with.
 Kelly looked away. For now. He focused on burrowing closer, inhaling the scent of laundry
detergent and an undercurrent of Sterling and arousal. Using his teeth, he popped the button of Sterling
pants open.
“Fuck, that’s hot.” Sterling said. Then a little quieter, a little less certain. “Good boy.”
Kelly melted. He bit back a whimper and found the pull of Sterling’s zipper. Using his teeth, he
carefully tugged the zipper down. Still with his eyes closed, still vibrating with pleasure from the
quiet praise he’d received, Kelly nuzzled at Sterling’s open fly, spreading the material farther apart,
creating access for his mouth.
Sterling moaned indecently when Kelly mouthed the fabric of his tight briefs. The air felt filled
with electricity and arousal. It was all Kelly could do to stop himself from begging Sterling to have
mercy on him and fuck his face. To pull his dick out himself and feed it to him, hard and deep.
But more than that. More than anything, really, Kelly wanted to be good for Sterling. He wanted to
give him exactly what he asked for. He settled into the task given and dragged his mouth across the
top of the waistband of Sterling’s briefs. Hot breath washed over Sterling’s skin and Kelly deftly
dragged his tongue along the sliver of flesh.
With more finesse than he remembered having, Kelly used just his mouth to tug Sterling’s briefs
low enough for his dick to spring out. The task accomplished, he looked up at Sterling and waited for
further instruction.
Kelly’s knees burned and his face ached from all the work it had taken to get Sterling’s cock free.
But the way Sterling looked at him with naked appreciation and all-consuming lust had been more
than worth it. And when Sterling dragged his knuckles over Kelly’s cheek and called him beautiful,
Kelly believed him.
 9

STERLING

NOTHING STERLING ever imagined could’ve possibly prepared him for this reality, where a
gorgeous man was on his knees for him. His preconceived notions of what it would feel like
collapsed like a house of cards the minute Kelly leaned in and nuzzled his crotch.
It spoke to Kelly’s experience that Sterling didn’t feel out of place or awkward. That he didn’t
hesitate to follow through with Sterling’s command to take him out using only his mouth. Sterling
watched, unable to breathe, as Kelly worked his pants open.
Kelly’s mouth on him in any capacity felt amazing. There was no way Sterling was going to last
long, not with how keyed up he was already. Not when the sight of Kelly on his knees already had
Sterling so close a stiff breeze could set him off.
He dragged his knuckles over Kelly’s cheek. He had quite the five o’clock shadow going on, thick
and flecked with silver hair. Sterling dragged his finger down the stubble.
“You’re beautiful.”
Kelly preened under the praise and Sterling tucked that kernel of knowledge away.
“Thank you.” Kelly’s voice was already thick and raw, as if Sterling had already made use of his
throat.
“Go on,” Sterling thought of pulling his hand away, but he found himself unable to part with Kelly.
Instead, he slid his fingers into Kelly’s short hair. “You earned it.”
Kelly leaned in. Still holding eye contact, he flicked his tongue out over the head of Sterling’s
cock. Leaning in a little more, Kelly’s eyes shut, and he dragged his open mouth along the side of
Sterling’s shaft, wetting a trail with his talented tongue.
There was a temptation there, a childish urge to toy with Kelly and play a very adult game of go-
go-go-stop. But Sterling recognized the weight of the gift he was being given.
“Do you think you can take all of me?” Sterling asked, stroking his fingers over Kelly’s scalp,
keenly aware of the way Kelly leaned into the touch.
Kelly looked up at Sterling and licked his lips. “Yes, Sterling.”
Sterling’s hand stilled in Kelly’s hair. “Go on then,” he rasped. Sterling hadn’t expected to be
called sir, not this early in the game. It wasn’t something he had commanded from Kelly. Being so
new, so fucking green at all this, he hadn’t thought he’d earned it yet. But part of him yearned to hear it
all the same.
And maybe it wasn’t about earning things and then receiving them, it was being worthy of what
you received. Kelly licked the underside of Sterling’s dick. He swirled his tongue over the head, and
Sterling watched his cock disappear into Kelly’s mouth.
 “That’s a good boy.” The praise came easy. It wasn’t hard to be nice to someone as quietly eager
as Kelly. “Just a little more,” Sterling coaxed as Kelly worked his way down Sterling’s cock.
When Kelly’s nose brushed up against Sterling’s pubes, he choked and pulled back, then returned.
This time, he was a little more relaxed, and Sterling cradled Kelly’s head in both his hands.
“Put your hand on me, Kelly.” Kelly obeyed instantly, his hands running up the outside of
Sterling’s legs. He cursed the fact that he hadn’t stripped naked because he wanted to know what it
would be like to feel skin on skin. Were Kelly’s hands smooth or rough? Sterling was desperate to
know.
Kelly pulled back and took a breath, then returned, looking up at Sterling. Waiting. Willing.
“If it gets too much, let me know. Okay?”
Kelly hummed his acknowledgement around Sterling’s cock and gave his leg an experimental tap.
“Yeah, like that. That’s a good boy.” Sterling started off slowly, sliding his cock in and out of
Kelly’s mouth. He watched every movement Kelly made. Studied the way his eyelashes fluttered;
how his nostrils flared. Watched him take a deep breath. Then Sterling buried himself all the way.
Kelly’s nose pressed against Sterling, and he bucked his hips. Kelly’s hands tightened on Sterling’s
legs, tugging at his clothes like he needed to steady himself.
Sterling pulled back, and Kelly took another deep breath. “You still good?” Sterling asked,
holding himself back when all he wanted to was plow forward and fuck Kelly’s throat.
Kelly pulled back and released Sterling’s cock. A pink tongue darted out of his slightly puffy lips,
and he licked them. “More than good. You can be rougher if you like. I won’t break.” Kelly looked
down, then up again, appearing a touch more demure. Alluring. Un-fucking-real.
Sterling guided his cock back into Kelly’s mouth. He studied his expression as he slowly worked
his cock into the back of Kelly’s throat. He buried himself deep, his entire length, and he watched
Kelly.
With the hint of a smile curling his lips, Sterling gripped Kelly’s skull tighter. “Get your cock out,
Kelly, because if you don’t come before me, you don’t come at all.” Sterling didn’t wait for Kelly.
Hard and fast, he pumped in and out of Kelly’s mouth. Varying his strokes with deeper ones that left
Kelly breathless, and more shallow ones that revitalized him.
Kelly had one hand on Sterling, his arm half wrapped around Sterling’s leg. The other hand
worked furiously between his legs, jerking himself.
“You have the most amazing throat,” Sterling ground out as he held Kelly against him as tight as
possible. “Fuck me, that’s good. I’m… fucking close.”
Kelly moaned, and the vibrations shot through Sterling’s body like lightning. His hips bucked and
his release tore through him. Hell, it practically ruined him. Sterling cradled Kelly’s head with one
hand and the other he used to brace himself on Kelly’s shoulder.
Kelly was solid beneath him, a steady presence that had the power to keep Sterling safe. To keep
himself safe too, Sterling was reminded as Kelly tapped on Sterling’s leg.
Sterling pulled back all the way, letting his cock slide out of Kelly’s mouth, freeing him to take a
gulping breath. “Are you all right?” Sterling asked. His legs shook and nearly refused to keep him
upright, but he forced himself to ignore gravity, even though it called him to collapse to the floor and
bury himself in Kelly’s arms.
“Good.” Kelly sighed and nuzzled Sterling’s half-hard dick. “So good. Just needed a breath.”
“You were amazing.” Sterling stroked his fingers through Kelly’s hair, gently scratching at his
scalp. “Did you get to come?”
Kelly nodded.
 “I’d like to see it next time, if you’re okay with there being a next time?”
“Yeah,” Kelly rasped, his arm falling away from Sterling. “I’d be okay with that.”
Sterling, feeling a little wobbly still, somehow tugged his pants up and put his cock away. “Let me
get something to clean you up with.” Sterling looked at Kelly, who shifted position with a grimace.
“Shit. Are you hurt?”
Kelly huffed out a laugh. “My bones have a decade on your bones, and I haven’t kneeled in a
while.” Kelly grunted as he repositioned himself, so he was sitting on his ass. He looked up at
Sterling with happy, gleaming eyes. “Worth it.”
“I’ll be right back.” Sterling tried not to let guilt eat at him. He hadn’t meant for Kelly to be
uncomfortable. While there was nothing he could do to change it, he vowed to be more considerate in
the future.
He went to the kitchen and poured Kelly a fresh glass of water, then made a detour into the
bathroom to wet a washcloth. Kelly was leaning against the side of the bed when Sterling returned,
his head tipped back a little, his eyes shut with the most beautiful expression on his face.
Then he opened his eyes and saw Sterling, and his whole face lit up.
“I brought you water.” He put it in Kelly’s non-soiled hand. Kneeling on the floor, he took Kelly’s
other hand in his and gently wiped it clean. Keenly aware of the way Kelly watched him, Sterling
took his time. He didn’t have words yet to describe what he felt, and he wanted to spend a few more
minutes feeling it. Tending to Kelly helped him cling to the swarm of emotions that threatened to
engulf him.
“Thank you,” Kelly whispered.
Sterling carefully wiped all the remnants of Kelly’s orgasm off his fingers, then off the floor. He
slid in next to Kelly, who passed him the glass of water, still half full.
“Thirsty?”
Sterling nodded and took the glass. He drained it in two long swallows, then set the empty aside.
Hesitantly, he shuffled a little closer to Kelly.
“Thank you. That was…” Sterling trailed off. “I still can’t put it into words. Not even in my own
head. So… thank you.” From the corner of his eye, he watched Kelly’s smile brighten.
He felt like a virgin. Stupid and clumsy and in desperate need of validation. Was it good? Was he
good? Did Kelly enjoy himself? Could they do it again? When could they do it again? Did he want
to go right now? A laugh escaped Sterling.
“What’s funny?” Kelly asked.
“Me.” Sterling let out a breath. “I’ve had blow jobs before. I’ve had people kneel on the floor and
suck me off. Logistically, there wasn’t much difference between any of that to what we did. But this
was… bigger.” Sterling raked a hand through his hair, noting to himself that the sides needed to be
shaved down again. “I’m not sure I can describe it.”
“Pretty fucking great, though, isn’t it?” Kelly whispered as though they were sharing a secret. “It’s
the same for me, in a way. Not exactly. It’s different for everyone, but there are some emotions that
are universal. The awe of that first scene with someone new. The trepidation of allowing yourself to
be vulnerable. The comfort in knowing the role you’re to play.”
Sterling had felt vulnerable. And he hadn’t expected to. Not really. He always thought that the
person kneeling, sucking dick, taking direction, that they’d be the vulnerable one. But there was a
rawness to being the person calling the shots. All attention had been on him, and it had been
exhilarating and a little frightening.
He was glad it was Kelly who he’d experienced this with. Kelly who had the strength to hold
Sterling up when his legs had wanted to crumple underneath him. Kelly, who had knowledge and
experience Sterling could only dream of. He wanted to tell him as much, but the words wouldn’t
come out. They felt too honest somehow, like the scene had stripped away his filter and any fool thing
that entered his brain wanted to tumble out of his mouth.
“I want more of that.” Sterling said, unsure of exactly what he wanted more of. More of
pretending he was a real Dom? More Kelly on his knees obeying him as though he were? More Kelly
in general? Yes, to all of it, he supposed.
“More of what, exactly?”
“You.” Sterling answered after a spell of silence. It was the most concise and honest answer. “But
next time, I think I’ll have mercy on your poor knees. I want you to be comfortable so I can take my
time.”
Kelly leaned in against Sterling’s side. He pressed a kiss to Sterling’s cheek. The unexpected
affection made Sterling’s heart lurch.
“And you say you’re new at this.” Kelly whispered. “You’re doing a good job of finding your
feet, Sterling.”
“Thank you.” The compliment meant more to Sterling than he was prepared for it to mean, and he
cleared his throat.
“I’ll cook you dinner if you help me up off my ass.” Kelly smiled at Sterling with a gentle
understanding that Sterling was likely a little overwhelmed and wasn’t quite ready to part ways yet.
“I’d like that.” Sterling nodded. “I can help if you want. I mean, not to brag or anything, but I do
know my way around a kitchen.”
“Good thing, because you’re on onion chopping duty.”
Sterling laughed and pushed himself up off the floor. He reached down and took Kelly’s hand and
helped him to his feet. They both laughed at the stiffness in Kelly’s joints.
“Next time, I promise to be nicer to your body.” Sterling almost felt bad for the stiff way Kelly
moved at first.
“I don’t know if I mind the sore knees so much. Kind of reminds me of where I was.”
Sterling was too flattered to speak.
 10

KELLY

COOKING FOR STERLING, correction, cooking with Sterling was a way to keep him near while
Kelly tried to work through all the things in his head. He knew that comparing people was wrong, but
he couldn’t help but appreciate the easy way Sterling slipped out of the mask of dominance he wore
when Kelly had willingly kneeled for him.
Kelly didn’t like to think of people as more or less of something. Someone wasn’t more dominant
just because they were different, and Sterling wasn’t less for the same reason. But there was a
novelty, Kelly thought, of stepping out of the room and being able to breathe. It was like Sterling left
enough room for oxygen to come back into the room, whereas with Quentin, Kelly felt suffocated after
a time.
“What are we making?” Sterling slid up behind Kelly and wound his arms around his waist.
“I was thinking of something simple. Maybe a stir-fry so you can show off your knife skills.”
“Sure,” Sterling pulled away and went to the sink to wash his hands. “Point me at the knives and
chuck some ingredients my way.”
Kelly waved a hand toward the knife block sitting on the counter as he crossed Sterling’s path to
the sink. A strange sound had Kelly turning, soap suds dripping off his hands. He watched Sterling use
the steel to hone the blade of the chef’s knife. Sterling’s movements mesmerized Kelly. He sharpened
the blade with fluid movements that spoke to years of practice. The confidence in him in that moment
made Kelly hot all over.
Sterling stilled and his gaze met Kelly’s. He grinned.
“See something you like?”
Kelly’s face flushed, and he turned around to rinse his hands. “Nope. I saw nothing at all.”
“Where’s your cutting board?”
“Hang on.” Kelly dried his hands and opened the cupboard to retrieve it for Sterling. “Here.” He
set it on the counter, then retrieved an onion from the basket and handed it to Sterling.
Sterling felt the edge of the blade and gave a small nod of satisfaction. Without a further word, he
put the onion on the cutting board. It wasn’t anything remarkable. Kelly had seen plenty of onions get
cut up, but he watched the careful curve of Sterling’s fingers and the precise way he sliced the
vegetable. The thin slices and the speed at which Sterling could make them had Kelly so engrossed
that he’d barely realized when Sterling had finished chopping.
“If I tried to chop that fast, I’d slice my hand off.”
“Not with how dull your knives are, you wouldn’t.” Sterling motioned to Kelly with his free hand.
“As cute as you are standing there staring at me, I am a little hungry.”
 “Right. Uh. Right.” Kelly said again. He turned on his heel and went to the fridge. And so what if
he rummaged around in the crispers for an extra few moments to get his head on straight?
Kelly resurfaced and put a selection of vegetables on the counter for Sterling to chop up as he saw
fit. “I prewash everything before I put it away, so you don’t have to worry about that.” Kelly dragged
his gaze away and went to the fridge. He’d planned on making stir-fry himself, but he had to admit that
it was nice to have someone in the kitchen with him.
“Do you have a knife kink?” Sterling asked, and Kelly nearly dropped the package of beef on the
floor.
“Knives? Not really my thing, no. I just… you’re very skilled.” Kelly cleared his throat. If he
could stop stumbling over himself like a schoolboy with a crush, he might just survive the rest of the
night with his dignity intact.
“Restaurant brat. I can chop better than I can write. I could saute before I could spell. I’m almost
positive my first words were, yes, chef.”
“Do you miss the restaurant?”
Sterling smiled and shook his head. “No. God, no.” He laughed as though he felt bad about being
so honest. “It was time to work somewhere new. I’d only ever worked for my family before, and,
well, working at the club gives me new opportunities to meet new and interesting people.”
The way Sterling emphasized the word interesting had Kelly feeling flustered and flattered.
Unable to remember the last time he’d felt that way, he turned his attention to digging his wok out of
the cupboard.
By the time Kelly got the wok set up and the water for the noodles on the stove, Sterling had
sliced and chopped his way through Kelly’s fridge.
“I should let the master chef do his thing.” Kelly pulled a spatula out of the canister holding all his
cooking utensils and handed it to Sterling.
Sterling smirked as he took it, pausing when their fingers brushed together. “Okay, but I need five
minutes alone with your pantry cupboard.”
Kelly motioned to it. “It’s all yours. I’ll get the table set. Would you like a beer? I have wine
somewhere, if you prefer.”
“Beer is fine, thanks.” Sterling stole a quick kiss and Kelly had to admit the sheepish look on his
face was fucking adorable.
Kelly busied himself with setting the table. Usually, he ate alone in front of the television, so it
took him a minute to find his placemats. They were orange and tan and didn’t fit with any of his decor,
but they’d been a fixture on his grandma’s kitchen table. He ran his hands over the mat, feeling the
bumpy texture. It was like stepping into a time machine and suddenly he was five and dipping toast in
his egg yolks at breakfast.
“It’s almost ready.” Sterling called from the kitchen.
Kelly grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge and popped the caps off. He carried them to the
table in one hand, his cow salt and pepper shakers in the other. When he returned, Sterling looked
over his shoulder at Kelly.
“It’s ready.” He watched Sterling fill two plates with the stir fry. Sterling carried the plates to the
dining room table and set them down, pausing only to pull Kelly’s chair out for him before taking his
own seat.
“It smells amazing.” Kelly took a forkful and shoved it into his mouth. Flavor burst on his tongue,
and he looked at Sterling with what must have been an awed expression.
“Don’t look so shocked.” Sterling beamed with pride even though Kelly hadn’t said a word yet.
 “I’m only shocked that food that came out of my kitchen is this good. I’m not awful, but I’m not
this good.” Kelly tucked back into his food, pausing now and then to take a sip of beer. At some point,
near the end of his meal, he looked up and found Sterling watching him.
“Oh god,” Kelly exhaled, feeling the sudden rush of mortification flood his face. “I’ve hardly said
a word to you the whole time.”
Sterling dazzled him with a smile. “It’s a compliment, to see someone enjoy something you
created.”
Kelly tried to school his expression. “It really is quite good. Are you going to miss cooking? I
mean, you’re working behind a bar now?”
Sterling shrugged. “Food is something we’re surrounded by daily. It’s not an interest that you can
ignore, like lawn bowling.”
“Are you particularly interested in lawn bowling?”
“Not especially, but you get my point. Food is everywhere, whether or not I work in a kitchen. I
don’t miss being surrounded by my family day in and day out. I love them, but a modicum of privacy
is…” Sterling paused, and a slow, dreamy smile stretched out on his face. “It’s a relief. I don’t think I
realized how much was too much until I stepped away.”
“I know that feeling.” Kelly pushed his nearly empty plate away. “I used to be a forensic
accountant.”
“Ooh, like the guys that comb through the books and look for illegal shit? What happened?”
Kelly took a deep breath and a swig of beer. “Gran died when I was in the middle of a massive
case. I passed it off to a colleague of mine and dealt with the funeral and all that.” Kelly took another
deep breath. “And I found myself completely unwilling to set a single foot back in that soul-sucking
office. I’m still an accountant, but I’ve since changed specialties. My hours are better, and I have a
life.”
“I’m sorry about your Gran.”
“Thanks. She was… she was it. From when I was a kid, and my mom just didn’t come home one
day. Dad died when I was a baby, and I don’t remember him. Gran was his mom. My mom was young
when she had me and her parents. Well, they weren’t an option.” Kelly hadn’t shared that much of
himself with someone in a long time. Maybe it was the orgasm from earlier, or the meal, or maybe it
was just Sterling and his quiet way of giving Kelly enough space to breathe.
“Aren’t you glad she collected something cute like cows instead of something like cuckoo clocks?
You’d have a house full of them. You’d never sleep because every hour your house would erupt into
this cuckoo concert.”
Kelly nearly snorted beer up into his brain. “Small mercies,” he said when he could speak again.
“You alright?” Sterling’s expression was the perfect mixture of amused and concerned. Like he
hadn’t meant to make Kelly snort his beer, but wasn’t entirely sad that it happened, and then felt bad
about that.
“Fine.” Kelly cleared his throat and smiled. Standing up, he gathered their nearly empty plates
and carried them into the kitchen. He scraped the last bites into the trash and loaded the dirty dishes
into the dishwasher. Sterling’s gaze lingered on him as he leaned against the counter, watching Kelly
work.
When Kelly finished tidying and started the dishwasher, Sterling reached out and hooked him by a
belt loop. With a single finger, he reeled Kelly in.
“I should get going.” Sterling confessed to the corner of Kelly’s mouth.
The impulse was there to beg him to stay. To fill the rest of his night with Sterling in whatever
way he could get him. “Can we do this again?” Kelly asked instead.
“I would love that.” Sterling brushed his lips against Kelly’s, as if asking permission to linger
there. Kelly moved closer, tilting his head just that extra fraction of an inch that granted Sterling the
exact perfect angle to slot their mouths together.
The kiss was so soft, Kelly could have lived in it, but Sterling pulled away far too soon. He
offered Kelly an apologetic smile as his hands drifted away, leaving Kelly feeling achy from wanting
more.
“Thanks for dinner.” Sterling said, and Kelly laughed.
“The dinner you cooked, you mean. I should thank you. It was the best meal I’ve had in ages.” And
if it was also the least lonely, Kelly kept that thought to himself.
But even after Sterling had backed out of Kelly’s driveway, the thought lingered, battering around
in his head like an intruder. Until Sterling had shared a meal and filled his home with laughter and
conversation, Kelly hadn’t realized how empty his house felt.
He sat down on the couch, tore a wrapper off one of his red suckers, and turned his attention to his
jigsaw puzzle. Sterling had left without them solidifying a plan, and that bothered Kelly a little. He
wanted to know when to expect to see him again. Did he want to know so he could cross days off a
calendar like a kid waiting for the weekend? Maybe?
Four more pieces slotted into the correct place and Kelly’s phone buzzed with a text from Sterling
asking when he was free. Kelly smiled as he answered.
 11

STERLING

THE RESTAURANT his family owned had a longstanding tradition of being closed on Mondays. It
guaranteed that no matter how busy things were, that everyone got at least one day off. For years,
Sterling had worked six days a week. The switch to the new schedule he had at the club had been a
bit of an adjustment. Five days on, two days off. It was almost like Sterling could actually have a life
outside of work now.
Of course, not working with family helped him in that respect, too. It was hard to make romantic
connections when you were constantly surrounded by family. His mom ran the front, his oldest
brother, Clint ran the kitchen. A stream of cousins and siblings had been through the employee roster
as everything from servers to sous chefs.
Sterling pocketed his keys and slipped through the gate at the side of his parent’s house. They
reserved the front door for deliveries and lawyers. Sterling went around the back of the house and
stepped into the mudroom. He kicked his shoes off and walked into his mom’s kitchen. His dad was at
the stove scrambling enough eggs to feed an army.
Until a heart attack a few years ago, his dad had worked six days a week filling in all the gaps at
the restaurant. Chef. Server. Host. Busboy. The restaurant business was in his blood. After his heart
attack, he’d stepped away to recover and had never really stepped back into the business the way he
used to be.
“Hey Dad.” Sterling helped himself to a cup of coffee and stirred in two sugars. “Where’s
Mom?”
“In the office talking to her sister, Janice.”
“She still on that cruise?”
His dad nodded. “Wouldn’t catch me dead on one of those floating Petri dishes.”
Sterling nearly choked on his coffee. “Gee, Dad. Tell me how you really feel?”
His dad cut him an amused look. “How's the new job? They treat you okay? They pay you good?
You can always come back, you know.”
Sterling leaned against the counter and watched his dad pile the fluffy eggs onto a few plates. He
pulled strips of bacon out of the oven and divided them up. A plate got slid in his direction and
Sterling carried it to the table.
He no sooner sat down when his mom appeared, her yellow sundress billowing behind her as she
swept into the room. “Janice is having the best time.” She paused next to Sterling and ruffled his hair.
“Hi, sweetheart. You need me to shave those sides for you?” She ran her fingers over the side of
Sterling’s head.
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va a smarrirsi fra antiche e folte selve di larici, molti de’ quali dalla
vetustà rovesciati s’accatastano qua e là, e formano barriera quasi
insuperabile, incontrandosi per ogni dove salti di torrenti e trabalzi
perigliosissimi. E allora appunto non sembravami di essere nelle
Alpi, ma mi figurava di trovarmi, che so io, nelle selvaggie foreste del
Brasile, essendo impossibile che la mia fantasia voglia rimanersene
un istante laddove realmente si trova, e, non badando al rischio che
correva ad ogni passo di rompermi l’osso del collo, io mi sentiva
rapito dal maraviglioso aspetto di quella solitudine, e faceva in prosa
della poesia lamartiniana, da mandare in ruina, pubblicandola,
qualsiasi librajo.
Attraversato il Vallese, toccato il lago di Ginevra, volli visitarne la
deliziosa riviera, e potete immaginarvi quante sentimentali
esclamazioni m’uscirono dal labbro al mirare Vevey, e tutti i luoghi
che l’appassionata immaginazione di Rousseau fece scena al suo
celebrato romanzo amoroso; e meritarono veramente di trovare un
pittore di quella forza e delicatezza squisita di pennello, poichè
vanamente si cercherebbe un’altra contrada ove l’amore può trovare
negli aspetti di natura sì sublimi corrispondenze con tutte le sue
fantastiche fasi, sieno esse di felicità o di disperazione.
Retrocedendo, pensai poscia di rientrare in Italia varcando il gran
san Bernardo. Avrete letto in molti giornali la diabolica pittura che
fece Alessandro Dumas della salita a quella montagna; è probabile,
per poco che siate dilettanti di romanzi, che l’abbiate parimenti letta
in Cooper nel suo Carnefice di Berna. Ma l’autore dell’Antony, e il
romanziere americano, credetemelo, hanno esagerato la fatica e i
perigli di quel viaggio, per produrre un effetto straordinario, così
come in certi quadri si rafforzano le tinte, anche contro natura,
affinchè facciano più efficace mostra di sè all’esposizione di Brera.
Non voglio sostenere che, durante la cattiva stagione, nel valicare
quell’alpe non si corra pericolo d’essere sepolti sotto qualche
valanga, ma per sei o sette mesi dell’anno vi si arriva alla cima con
tutta facilità e agevolezza; e conosco io migliaja di sentieri per le valli
a noi contigue, ove l’andata è assai più disastrosa e a rompicollo che
sul gran san Bernardo, e pure sono calcate ogni dì da brigatelle di
signorine dai piedini dilicati che vi vanno a sollazzo in partite di
piacere. Ho veduto colassù, la famosa stanza dei morti, che
chiamano carnajo, e non dipenderebbe che dalla mia volontà di
farvene una descrizione bellissima d’orrore, e d’innestarvi qualche
episodio drammatico, ma v’attendo a un altro varco.
Lasciato l’ospizio, e quegli ottimi Padri, giù corsi a Saint-Remy, e la
sera era di già nella città d’Aosta. Alla mattina successiva, desto per
tempo, mi recai a visitare la torre del Lebbroso e le stupende
antichità romane. Mi parve strano che, per ammirare i resti d’un
anfiteatro, fossi costretto d’entrare dalla casa d’un contadino in un
rustico cortiletto, ove, mentre immobile contemplando un alto pezzo
d’antica muraglia rifabbricava nella mia immaginativa quel circo,
commettendone le gradinate al podio ed agli spalti, e su vi vedeva i
togati patrizii, le gemmate matrone; il popolo romoreggiante, e mi
pareva udire il ragghio de’ lioni e l’urlo delle pantere chiuse nelle
carceri, o vedere i gladiatori scannarsi fra i fischi o gli applausi degli
umanissimi spettatori, una frotta di polli e di pulcini beccava sulle
punte de’ miei stivali de’ granelli di miglio che si erano appiccicati nel
transito della villereccia cucina, e mai più s’immaginavano le
innocenti bestiuole che dovessero quel piccolo reficiamento ad
Ottaviano Augusto, ed al mio maestro di storia.
Mi lasciai alle spalle anche la città d’Aosta; e proseguiva il mio
cammino giù per la valle fiancheggiando la Dora. Lungo la strada mi
sovvien che entrato in una picciola osteria a prender fiato, in un
paesello chiamato, se pur non erro, Chambave, vi bevetti un
eccellentissimo vino moscato, il quale si spreme da grappoli che
maturano sovra apriche collinette che s’alzano ivi d’appresso; e se vi
dico io ch’era prelibatissimo, io che rare volte ho potuto mirare sino
al fondo del bicchiere per ritrovarvi la verità, me lo dovete credere.
Registrate adunque questa notizia nel vostro Memoranda, poichè
potrebbe essere di qualche peso (so quel che dico a certi miei lettori)
nel determinarvi un giorno ad intraprendere un viaggio per
contemplare i monumenti romani della città di Aosta.
Aveva fatta promessa, anzi partire da Milano, di recarmi al ritorno
dalla mia gita sul lago Maggiore; e m’era sì gradita l’aspettativa di
villeggiare colà che oramai il viaggio mi tediava, e non desiderava
che l’istante di quivi giungere fra una diletta comitiva. Ad accorciare il
cammino pensai dunque che la via più breve per me (tralasciando di
recarmi sino ad Ivrea, e di là per Biella o per Novara al lago) si era di
valicare i monti che dividono la Val d’Aosta dalla Val Sesia, e
discendere a Varallo da dove la strada per Romagnano e
Borgomanero mette capo ad Arona.
Trapassata quindi la pittoresca terra di Chatillon, lasciai le sponde
della Dora, e presi cammino su per la montagna. Fatto buon tratto di
via, e giunto a bell’altezza sul dorso del monte, me ne stava assiso
sovra un sasso a guardar giù la sottoposta valle, la quale di là si
presentava a’ miei occhi pressochè in tutta la sua estensione, e
m’immaginava di vedervi sfilare i molti eserciti che in diversi tempi vi
transitarono, calando per la stessa via ch’aveva fatta io stesso. Da
Annibale, anzi dai Celto Galli in poi, quanti guerrieri o armati di clave,
e coperti di pelli, o colla lorica e la lancia, o colla pesante armatura
del medio evo, o col fucile e gli spallini, passarono là giù per venire
in Italia! e a far che?... a farsi ammazzare la maggior parte senza
cavarne mai alcun buon costrutto. Ma io veramente allora non
pensava a ciò, altro non mi rappresentava che l’effetto pittoresco
delle variate file di quelle soldatesche sparse lungo la valle, coi
cavalli, i carri e i loro bellici strumenti. Oh! se avessi avuta l’abilità di
quel bravo marchese, che dipinse quest’anno con tanta fantasia la
rocca adamantina da cui scende il mago sull’ipogrifo a pugnare con
Bradamante, mi pare che avrei fatto un quadro di genere da fare
stordire gli amatori. Ma, che volete? io non ho potuto riuscire a far
altro mai in pittura, che degli ometti sui libri di scuola.
Mentre era là vidi salire pel sentiero, e venire alla mia volta, due bei
contadinelli, l’uno de’ quali s’aveva qualche cosa sulle spalle:
conobbi ch’erano pellegrini al pari di me. Allorchè mi furono vicini
m’alzai, per proseguire con esso loro la via. Avevano entrambi
fisonomia dolce, ma spezialmente l’un d’essi, biondo di capelli e con
occhi azzurri, mostrava una tale finezza di lineamenti, che l’avresti
detto una fanciulla travestita. Chiesi loro d’onde venissero, e dove si
recassero, e mi risposero in francese ch’erano savojardi, ch’erano
stati a Torino e si recavano a Gressoney, presso un loro parente. Ciò
ch’aveva sulle spalle l’un d’essi era una cassetta sostenuta da una
cinghia di pelle, e mi disse che vi stavano rinchiuse due marmottine,
che sono le bestiuole che ognun conosce, le quali andavano
facendo vedere per le piazze, suonando la ribeca, ch’era lo
stromento portato dall’altro, e ciò per buscarsi qualche soldo onde
campar la vita. Domandai loro che cosa avessero guadagnato, mi
risposero che in un mese ch’erano stati a Torino avevano potuto
mettere a parte quindici franchi, coi quali contavano di recarsi
nell’inverno in Francia, passando poi nella primavera a Gand nel
Belgio, ove era il loro padre col quale esercitavano il mestiere di
ramoneur.
Mi sentii toccare il cuore pensando che quel bel fanciulletto dalla
pelle sì dilicata, e con quello sguardo tanto dolce, dovesse
arrampicarsi su per le gole dei cammini ad imbrattarsi di fuliggine e
col pericolo di spezzarsi un braccio od una gamba. Invocai che
qualche pietosa padrona di casa, commossa dalla simpatica
fisonomia del bello spazzacamino, gli procacciasse modo di
guadagnarsi la vita con mezzi meno sucidi e perigliosi. Superata la
montagna, discendemmo insieme dal lato opposto a Gressoney, ove
separandoci, augurando ad essi ogni fortuna, feci diventar sedici i
loro quindici franchi.
Io passai la notte a Gressoney. Oh, se vedeste che singolare
paesetto è desso mai! giace in fondo ad una valle che ha la forma
d’imbuto, e vi sta queto, isolato da tutto il mondo, presso un
torrentello che move il suo mulino, e in cui abbevera le sue mandre.
Durante il tempo delle nevi non è possibile nè di andarvi, nè di
partirne; onde per alcuni mesi quegli abitanti vi rimangono così
separati dal resto dei viventi, come se fossero nella Groenlandia o
nella Lapponia. Se vedeste che zoccoli che portano le donne; e che
pannilani verdi e rossi dello spessore di tavole di noce, ma hanno
certe guancie pienotte e una solidità di contorni che si confanno a
meraviglia con que’ vestimenti. La pace del luogo, la prosperità degli
abitanti, mi fece spesse volte tornare col pensiero a Gressoney, e
avrei voluto in certi bruschi momenti di mia vita esservi nato, e non
aver mai superata la cerchia de’ monti che lo racchiudono: non avrei
forse potuto sentirvi egualmente le impressioni della natura e
dell’amore, fonti inesauribili di felicità nella vita?
Al dì seguente, essendo già alto il sole, abbandonai quel romito
villaggio, e ricominciai a salire la montagna opposta a quella dalla
quale vi era venuto.
Oltrepassato un altro monte discesi a Saint-Jean, altro paesello più
ameno fra quell’Alpi, e di là non mi rimaneva che a superare l’ultima
giogaia della Valdoppia per essere in Valsesia.
Non mi sentiva punto stanco, era spinto dalla brama di giungere
presto alla mia meta, ove m’attendevano piacevolezze d’ogni
genere, quindi rifocillatomi abbondantemente, concessemi un pajo
d’ore di riposo, e prese tutte quelle notizie intorno alla via che l’oste
a malincuore volle somministrarmi, attribuendo io a sola sua
cupidigia il consiglio che ripetevami di fermarmi colà quella notte e
non mi porre in via di quell’ora, che era già verso il declinare del
giorno, mi strinsi alle spalle le cinghie della valigia, e, impugnato il
mio bastone, me ne andai pel mio cammino.
Il sentiero s’arrampicava pel fianco del monte, fra boschi e cespugli:
era assai erta, anzi quasi perpendicolare la via: pur salendo con
buona lena, in poco d’ora mi trovai molto elevato dal fondo della
valle, ove vedeva rosseggiare il paesetto di Saint Jean ad un raggio
obbliquo che gl’inviava il sole dalla sommità dell’opposto monte
dietro cui stava per celarsi; e vedeva pure luccicare il torrente che
serpeggiava per la valle, ed era quell’acqua stessa che
romoreggiando balzava giù dal monte sulla costa del quale io
m’innalzava.
Mi avevano detto che la salita voleva un’ora circa; ma io non aveva
calcolato che le mie gambe non erano quelle d’un montanaro, e che
se que’ del paese v’impiegavano un’ora, io non avrei potuto a meno
di consumarvi doppio spazio di tempo. E così fu. Il sole, già tutto
nascosto dietro gli opposti dossi, mandava appena un ultimo rossore
sulle cime più elevate che mi stavano sul capo, ed io m’arrampicava
ancora su per l’erta, e sentiva che le gambe scemavano di vigore ad
ogni passo, e un’ansa affannosa mi toglieva quasi il respiro. Dopo la
salita esser vi doveva uno spianato, inoltrandomi pel quale doveva
poi giungere ai casali componenti il paesetto detto La Montà; ivi
contava passare la notte, per esser pronto al mattino a discendere
pel versante opposto in Valsesia al paese di Riva, da dove avrei
potuto ancora arrivare la sera sino a Varallo.
Fatto è ch’io giunsi al margine di quel benedetto spianato, e cessai
di salire quand’erasi già quasi fatto interamente oscuro, e sdrajatomi
sull’erba, per prender fiato, mi giunse all’orecchio debolissimo il
suono de’ tocchi dell’avemmaria del paesetto di Saint-Jean. Provai
allora un po’ di pentimento di non aver voluto cedere ai consigli
dell’oste, poichè per giungere a La Montà non rimanevami da far
meno d’un’altra buon’ora di cammino, e chi sa qual cammino! Feci
però cuore a me stesso, anzi gioii meco medesimo, e mi congratulai
di trovarmi una volta nella condizione di tanti viaggiatori, le cui
avventure aveva lette con sì vivo trasporto di curiosità. Che di meglio
infatti per un giovine di venticinque anni, di testa romantica (così si
suol dire), che ha costume la sera di passeggiare le strade ben
illuminate e lastricate della capitale, vedersi solo fra le tenebre,
errante pei boschi alla sommità delle Alpi, colla probabilità di
scontrarsi nel genio delle ghiacciaje che sotto forma d’un orso
venisse a divorarlo, senz’altra speranza di vendetta che di far urlare
quell’animale nelle sue rupi un mese intero, per le punture che gli
avrebbe cagionate entro le sue viscere il cervello, intingolo
indigeribile formato col deposito d’ogni specie d’idee letterarie,
metafisiche, poetiche e legali?
Questo pensiero m’aveva fatto sorridere tra me stesso,
avanzandomi per l’incerta traccia del sentiero, quando ad un tratto
vedo un chiarore che subito scompare, e appena ebbi campo di
rivolgere la testa ch’udii rumoreggiare il tuono. Fermandomi a
guardare indietro, scôrsi nubi nerissime che s’erano avanzate alle
mie spalle, e che, venendo da verso la valle di Saint-Jean, andavano
nascondendo sul mio capo la volta del cielo. Che gusto m’avessi lo
lascio immaginare a voi. Io camminava in una pianura, che, per
quanto poteva rilevare, era come una vasta prateria, sparsa qua e là
d’alberi radi. Tratto tratto però mi sentiva sotto i piedi il nudo
macigno. Facendosi sempre più dense le tenebre, io non iscorgeva il
sentiero che al bagliore dei lampi che si succedevano quasi
incessantemente. Cominciarono i soffj del vento, e il tuono
echeggiava arrotolandosi fra quelle teste di montagne. Vi dico da
vero che principiai a non aver più nessun piacere di trovarmi in
quell’ignota solitudine con un tempo spaventoso di quella fatta.
Sperava, ad ogni passo che m’inoltrava, di trovarmi nel desiderato
paese di La Montà, o di scorgere almeno qualche lumicino che
annunziasse una capanna, fosse stata anche l’abitazione delle
streghe, dei briganti, o dei falsi monetarj: ma non vedeva niente,
altro che la corona delle rupi che circondavano quel piano, che si
mostravano più nere ancora del nerissimo cielo. Un romore, uno
scroscio grandissimo accompagnato da un sibilo spaventoso di
vento, veniva avanzandosi precipitoso, e vedeva al chiarore dei
lampi le chiome degli alberi flettersi ed alzarsi rapidissimamente. Ad
un tratto fui inondato dalla pioggia, e, quasi al tempo stesso, ciò che
mi diede più paura, fu di sentire che i miei piedi diguazzavano
nell’acqua sino alla caviglia, per cui credetti d’essere entrato
inavvertentemente in qualche stagno o fondo paludoso. Di sentiero
non eravi più insegna. Rimasi un momento immobile, e mi credetti
perduto: ma al luccicare della saetta, avendo veduto che il terreno a
man manca si rialzava, mossi i passi da quella parte, e infatti in due
o tre minuti mi sentii fuori del guado, e compresi che andava
ascendendo. — Meno male (dissi fra me), il pericolo d’affogarmi
sembra passato. — Ma la pioggia e il vento incalzavano con tal
violenza, ch’io dovetti appoggiarmi ad una pianta per sostenermi in
piedi. — La scena è più teatrale che in un ballo di Viganò (diceva in
me stesso), ma minaccia d’andare troppo in lungo, e se dovessi
starmene qui tutta notte sotto questo diluvio coll’aquilone che spira,
mi prendo tale un malanno che non rientro mai più in velocifero da
porta Tanaglia. —
Mentre io era colà in una posizione così critica, guardando
attentamente ad ogni gettata di luce intorno a me, mi venne veduto,
non molto all’insù dal posto ove mi trovava, un piccolo edificio
coperto di paglia, un tugurio. Mi sentii rinascere, e tosto mi diressi a
quella volta. Pervenutovi, m’accorsi ch’era una capannetta deserta,
uno di que’ casolari ove alloggiano i pastori quando conducono alle
alpi le mandre, e che partendo abbandonano. Alla porta s’ascendeva
per alcuni gradini; ne mancava l’imposta e dentro appariva vuoto ed
oscuro. Salii tosto quella scomposta scaletta, e giunto al limitare
tastando col bastone, e sentendo che il pavimento era più basso,
prima di discendervi per entro vi feci rimbombare la mia voce,
porgendo l’orecchio, per udire se mai cosa alcuna vi si rimovesse,
poichè v’era pericolo vi fosse rifuggita qualche fiera.
Non udendo alito balzai giù dalla porta nell’interno, e m’accorsi con
mio sommo contento che v’era sull’impalcato un bel letto di foglie.
Staccai dalle spalle la mia valigia, mi tolsi l’abito tutto molle
d’addosso, mi soffregai per asciugarmi alla meglio, ringraziai la
provvidenza, e me le raccomandai: indi stesi tutta la mia
stanchissima persona su quelle foglie, che mi sembrarono uno strato
di morbide piume, e provai quel sentimento di felicità, che
m’immagino debba sorgere in cuore a chi afferra il lido campando
dal naufragio.
Descrivervi quali pensieri mi passassero per la mente sarebbe
impossibile cosa: quello ch’è certo si è che m’addormentai pensando
a chi pensava a me, e che forse vaneggiava amorosamente alle
melodie d’una gaja serenata, senza pur dubitare ove diavolo mai si
trovasse il suo Trovatore. E tanto più che l’ultima sera nel darmi
l’addio di partenza, conoscendo l’indole mia arrischiata, m’aveva
fatta calda preghiera, di non espormi a inutili perigli, e di non mettere
a repentaglio una vita troppo cara. — Che belle paroline, eh? — Ma,
e chi non le ha udite all’età di venticinque anni? — Pure, onde
gustarle completamente, bisogna credersi esseri privilegiati, e tale io
mi riputava allora in buona fede: onde ricordava quell’affettuosa
espressione coll’accompagnamento d’una voce commossa, d’uno
sguardo pieno di soavità e di sentimento, vedeva quelle forme
gentili, quella bianca mano che mi salutava ancora dal balcone, e
tutto ciò mi mandava un miele per le vene, mi faceva più beato d’un
re, benchè perduto là sull’alpi tutto solo, e sdrajato sovra aride foglie
in un deserto tugurio; e credo che gli spiriti ilari che si esalavano da
me, mi servissero di riparo contro l’influenza funerea che stagnava
sotto quella volta.
Non so quanto dormissi, ma mi svegliai che fitta era ancora
l’oscurità, però cessati i lampi, i tuoni, il vento e la pioggia. Stirai le
membra, e mi sentii assalito da un brivido di freddo; volendo
addormentarmi di nuovo, allungai un braccio per internarlo nelle
foglie, onde averne calore, e nel così fare urtai in qualche cosa, che
toccando sentii essere una valigia. Mi pareva d’aver collocata la mia
dall’altra parte, e subito mossi l’altro braccio per accertarmene, e
infatti sento che la mia valigia è colà! — «Gran Dio! due valigie! qui
v’è alcun altro; dissi tra me, traendo a stento per la sorpresa il
respiro. Ma tosto mi animo, e grido: — Ohe! ohe! chi c’è qui. —
Nessuna risposta: mi rialzo, porgo attentissimo l’orecchio, non odo
fiato, non odo respiro, era un silenzio profondo, non interrotto che
dal cader lento delle goccie che stillavano dalla paglia del tetto. Mi
metto a frugare a tentoni per le foglie, allungando anche i piedi, e
urto con questi in due altri piedi, che sembravano rivestiti di grosse
scarpe. Li premo con forza, ma non ne segue alcun effetto. Mi do a
cercare colle mani e sento un braccio rivestito di panno — lo scuoto
— niente — Che affare è questo? — dissi tra me preso da spavento,
e diressi la mano ove doveva essere il volto, e l’abbassai —
misericordia! — le mie dita s’inforcano nelle caverne delle ossa
nasali d’un teschio umano, che si scompone a pezzetti —
misericordia! — chi m’avesse fatto un salasso non ne avrebbe
cavata goccia di sangue: rimasi più morto che vivo.
Ebbi appena il vigore di balzar fuori di là lasciando nel casolare,
abito, valigia e berretto, e non trassi il respiro che vedendomi all’aria
aperta. Sedetti sui scalini della capanna, col capo in mano, lasciando
si calmasse la terribile palpitazione di cuore che mi aveva assalito.
Alzai poscia gli occhi al cielo: era sereno e stellato: da levante
veniva un venticello foriero dell’aurora; il suo fiato per me fu un
balsamo, e più di tutto alcune voci che udii, e mi sembravano di
persone che fossero sul sentiero da me percorso la sera. Mi posi a
gridare chiamando; mi fu risposto; io continuai a gridare e sentii
ch’alcuni uomini venivano alla volta. Quando li vidi da vicino, narrai
loro la mia trista ventura, ed essi tosto, tratta l’esca, il ferro e la pietra
focaja, accesero una piccola lucerna, ch’un d’essi trasse da una
bisaccia che recava ad armacollo; e ravvisai in essi tre cacciatori da
camosci.
Penetrammo tutti insieme in quella capanna, e si vide, pressochè
tutto coperto dalle foglie, un uomo, dirò meglio uno scheletro,
rivestito d’abiti militari. Mi dissero che doveva essere qualche
sgraziato disertore sorpreso là su da un male violento, il quale
trattosi in quella capanna vi morì senza soccorsi: avvenimento
accaduto, almeno da due mesi in addietro.
Ritrovata la valigia di lui fu slacciata e vi si rinvennero per entro
alcuni pochi oggetti di vestimento, e un portafoglio. Questo pure
venne aperto, e vi si vide una carta d’iscrizione militare su cui
leggemmo — Gaudenzio D...., d’anni ventinove, nativo di, ecc. —
con tutti gli altri consueti connotati personali che lo indicavano per un
giovine ch’essere doveva d’assai bello aspetto. Nel portafoglio vi
erano pure due lettere, ed una picciola busta di seta verde da cui
levammo una cartolina, la quale era circondata per più giri da un sol
capello biondo, le cui estremità erano rattenute da un po’ di cera.
Una di queste lettere era suggellata e mancava d’indirizzo. L’altra
portava nella direzione il nome del soldato colla mansione a
Saluzzo; questa, essendo aperta, noi la spiegammo e vedemmo
essere del curato del suo paese che gli scriveva in nome di sua
madre. Vi si parlava di nozze di persone conoscenti, e della
spedizione che veniva fatta a lui d’una picciola somma di danaro:
non vi si leggeva altro, nè trovammo cosa alcuna di più, che ci
potesse rischiarare intorno a quell’individuo ed al funesto suo
destino.
Uno di que’ cacciatori, il più attempato, disse ch’egli era fratello del
sindaco di Saint-Jean, e che avrebbe dato avvertimento onde que’
resti umani venissero sepolti, e fosse partecipata notizia del fatto
all’autorità superiore.
Io rimasi compreso da tanta pietà per quell’infelice, e al tempo
stesso da tale orrore e ribrezzo d’aver avuto un simile compagno di
letto, che non aveva quasi più vigore da riprendere i miei arnesi.
Alla fin fine ajutato da que’ cacciatori mi rivestii, e mi rimisi,
accompagnato da loro, in viaggio; ma quello scheletro mi opprimeva
l’immaginazione, mi disperava. Mano mano però che si spandeva la
luce mattinale, si andava scemando anche lo squallore della mia
mente, e veniva a poco a poco riconoscendo me stesso. Quando
alfine m’affacciai dal vertice del monte all’ampia vallata, e vidi le
nebbie candide e natanti volare in fuga innanzi al sole che mi
sorgeva luminoso di fronte, ogni mia tristezza si dissipò, ed altro non
mi parve quel caso che una romanzesca ventura.

FINE.
 INDICE

Milano nell’anno 305 dell’era pag. 1

Un Episodio dell’assedio del Barbarossa 18
I Guelfi dell’Imagna o il Castello di
Clanezzo 39
Edemondo ed Adelasia o la Torre di
Gombito 87
La Biscia Amorosa 121
Campo di Battaglia sul Duomo di Milano 161
Avventure in un Viaggio per la Valdoppia 183

La presente Edizione è sotto la tutela delle Leggi.

 NOTE:

1. Poco lungi dal luogo ov’è la chiesa di S. Giorgio in Palazzo.

2. Alla Maddalena al Cerchio.

3. In vicinanza di porta Vercellina che aprivasi ove ora è situata santa

Maria alla Porta.

4. Il nostro paese era anticamente tutto sparso di laghi, che il tempo e

l’opera dell’uomo asciugarono. Il lago Gerundio stendevasi nelle
vicinanze del sito ove vi ha presentemente Cassano; il lago Eghezzone
era tra Lodi e Crema, e serbasi ancora memoria dell’isola Fulcheria, che
esisteva in quel lago.

5. Nella contrada di tal nome ove fu eretta a quella santa una chiesa, sul
luogo appunto ove i primi cristiani avevano celato il suo corpo.

6. Lungo la corsia de’ Servi, dove fu eretta poi la chiesa di s. Paolo.

7. Stava ove trovasi ora s. Vittore al teatro.

8. Ne serbò il nome l’attuale Verzaro.

9. Sorgeva sulla via romana presso al luogo in cui a’ nostri giorni fu

costruito il teatro Carcano.

10. Era al Carrobbio.

11. Quelle che trovansi tuttavia avanti la chiesa di s. Lorenzo.

12. Renza, od Orientale ch’era al Leone presso s. Babila.

13. A s. Giovanni alle Quattro Faccie.

14. Alla Zecca vecchia.

15. Nell’anno 539.

16. Salì alla cattedra arcivescovile nell’anno 863 e morì nel 881.

17. Ne serba il nome il Palazzo che sorge in quella località.

18. Personaggio storico. Vedi il Corio.

19. Avevasi sospetto, e il fatto lo accertò che il conte Guido Biandrate

tradisse i Milanesi favorendo l’imperatore Federigo, di cui passò poscia
nel campo. Crediamo però che nessuno avesse pensato a lui nella
giornata del 20 aprile 1814.

20. Nel 26 marzo 1162.

21. Era il mese di marzo dell’anno 1373.

22. I fedeli lo riedificarono poscia più vasto e magnifico.

23. È desunta da una cronaca latina di quella Valle al capo ove si legge: Die
XX martii fuit interfectus Bertramus Dalmasanus dominus Clanetii super
pontem de Clanetio per homines Guelphos Vallis Himaniæ, etc.
Nel secolo seguente i valligiani della Brembilla continuarono a
commettere sui vicini paesi le più crudeli rappresaglie. Stanco il veneto
governo (di cui divenne poi suddita tutta la terra bergamasca) delle loro
sfrenate scelleratezze, faceva imprigionare diciotto capi, ordinava che
fossero smantellati tutti i villaggi della Brembilla, ed il sole del giorno
settimo dell’anno 1443 più non illuminava di quella popolosa vallata che
le immense ruine.

24. Ora de’ Moroni.

25. Quel bosco, contiguo al sobborgo detto degli Ortolani, era il solito
convegno dei duellanti dell’epoca. Il convento che dava nome al bosco,
esiste tuttavia, e venne ai nostri giorni da privata beneficenza cangiato
provvisoriamente in ospitale di donne, che s’intitola delle Fate-bene-
sorelle, a similitudine di quello per gli uomini assistito dai Regolari di san
Giovanni di Dio.

26. Vale a dire due ore prima dell’avemaria della sera, essendo allora ignota
la partizione della giornata secondo il sistema francese or fatto
universale.

27. L’unita incisione che rappresenta la battaglia di Landriano, è tratta dal

quadro del valente Sala, rapito sì immaturamente all’onore dell’arte.
Esiste tal dipinto presso i conti Cicogna, uno de’ cui antenati prese parte
a quella battaglia, ed è il guerriero rappresentato in atto di parlar col De
Leyva.
 Nota del Trascrittore

Ortografia e punteggiatura originali sono state

mantenute, correggendo senza annotazione minimi
errori tipografici.
Copertina creata dal trascrittore e posta nel pubblico
dominio.
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