The Ultimate Guide To Disciplining Without Damage For Every Age

VICTORIOUS PARENTING PRESENTS
t i m a t e
The
U l
GUIDE TO DISCIPLINING
WITHOUT DAMAGE
FOR EVERY AGE
ARABELLA HILLE
TOP
ELLER
S
Reduce Defiance & Increase
Cooperation For Every Age
"It's helped me more than any other parenting book" - Jen H
Other Books in This Series
The Ultimate Guide to Promoting Positive Self-

esteem in Children
Discover The 7-BIGGEST Mistakes Parents Make

That Can DESTROY Their Child's Self-esteem &
Transform Your Home Life!
Arabella Hille, BSocSc(Behavioural Studies)

Swinburne
THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO DISCIPLINING WITHOUT DAMAGE FOR EVERY AGE
The Ultimate Guide to

Disciplining Without Damage
for Every Age
First Edition
Arabella Hille, BSocSc(Behavioural

Studies) Swinburne
Published Online
By, Victorious Parenting
Copyright © 2022 Arabella Hille, and Victorious

Parenting. Second Edition.
The moral right of this author has been asserted. All

Rights Reserved. No portion of this book may be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval, system, or
transmitted in any form or by any means,
electronically, mechanical, photocopy, recording,
scanning, or other - except for brief quotations in
critical reviews or articles, without prior written
permission from the publisher.
First published online by Arabella Hille and

Victorious Parenting, 2021.
Other resources by this author.
www.victoriousparenting.com
www.promotingselfesteem.com
www.facebook.com/groups/victoriousparenting
The examples in this book are used to illustrate

common issues and problems related to
disciplining children and do not necessarily
portray specific people or situations.
Apart from my own, no real names have been

used. As with all books, this one contains my own
opinions and ideas. It is intended to provide
general advice. All books by their nature cannot
specifically address all needs, or wants that
readers have.
It has been written to provide helpful and

informative material on the subjects addressed in
the book. Your results are not guaranteed as they
are determined by outside factors and forces
including how much effort you put into practicing
the strategies consistently.
It is sold with the understanding that the author

and distributor are not engaged in rendering
medical, health, psychological, or any other kind of
therapy in the book.
This book is not a replacement for professional

help. If you or your family are in crisis please seek
professional help immediately.
Table of Contents
Introduction..........................................................1
Ch.1 Disciplining Without Damage................26
Ch.2 The Four Styles Of Parenting.................59
Ch.3 Obedience & Conformity........................90
Ch.4 What To Do When You Lose It.............112
Ch.5 How to Manage Defiant Behavior.......138
Ch.6 Toddlers 1-3 Years Old.........................167

Table of Contents
Ch.7 Preschoolers 3-5 Years.........................184
Ch.8 Middle Childhood 6-12 Years...............193
Ch.9 Teens 13-19 Years.................................201
Ch.10 Self-esteem, Emotional Intelligence

& Discipline.......................................................227
Ch.11 Abusive Behavior .................................236
Bonus Chapter: Downloadable's & More.....255

Introduction
Dear Caregiver,
Your decision to purchase this resource may turn out

to be the wisest decision you’ve ever made.
My name is Arabella Hille, and for the last ten years, I

have been researching and studying behavioral
science. My main focus has been rooted in juvenile
behavioral issues such as defiant behavior, well-
being, emotional intelligence, self-esteem, and
suicidal ideation.
The topic of juvenile behavior is personal to me.

When my son was eight years old, he attempted to
take his own life. This was due to the onslaught of
bullying at school. Bullying he didn’t tell me about.
I’ve always had a close relationship with my son.So to

learn that he was being bullied to this extent and not
tell me shocked me to my core. I pride myself on
having an open communication style at home. Yet he
kept it to himself.
His school wasn’t much help. Only one teacher was

looking after all the kids at lunchtime. This meant my
son was vulnerable and unprotected, and this is when
he was bullied.
1
Because of the lack of support from the school, and

with no other schools to choose from, I made the
tough decision to homeschool him. At the time I was
studying at University on campus. Homeschooling
meant that I had to study at home.
I was beside myself and wanted to make sure my son

healed and felt safe. I became a woman on a mission
when it came to learning about child behavior.
I dove into the fields of psychology, sociology, social

work, and even cultural behavioral mechanisms in the
fields of anthropology and archeology.
Studying behavior became my full-time passion and

obsession. I wanted to make sure that my son would
never want to take his own life again. I needed to
understand the real roots of his behavior, not only
the symptoms of it.
I was successful in my mission. My son healed and

became confident, emotionally intelligent, mentally
healthy, and self-disciplined. I carried this knowledge
into my career as a teacher. I saw lives transform as a
result of dealing with the root of the behavior, instead
of judging the external symptoms of it. I didn't give
up. As a result, I became Victorious.
This is why I am so extremely passionate about

helping parents and their children.
2
I never give up. Giving up and putting things in the

“too hard basket” isn’t in my vocabulary. We only have
one life to live, and it’s short. If you have a problem
that needs solving, it can be solved. It may be solved
in a round-about manner, or it may take more time
than you imagined, or the solution may come from a
source you didn’t expect, but it can be solved.
This book is a part of my Ultimate Guide series that

focuses on a single topic giving parents battle-tested
strategies to help them overcome their parenting
hurdles.
This book will help you to understand the root causes

of your child’s behavior. In each chapter, I talk about
the pros and cons of varying paths you may take. My
aim is that you will see both sides of the debate. So
when you decide the manner of discipline you want
to take, you do it armed with the knowledge of where
it can lead.
This book reflects two of my personal principles.
1. “If you don’t like it, you have the power to change it.”
2. “All behavior is a form of communication.”
3
Let’s look at the first principle.
“If you don’t like it, you have the power to change it.”
Sometimes when faced with a problem, it can feel like

you’re the only one suffering at this level. You might
also feel that there is no solution. This can lead to
thinking that you have to live with it. Both thought
processes are fallacies. These fallacies stem from
learned helplessness and a sense of powerlessness.
There is nothing you are going through that someone

in the past hasn’t faced and worked through
successfully. Therefore, there is a solution to your
problem. The reason why problems go unsolved isn’t
that they are unsolvable. It’s that you may lack the
tools, support, and knowledge to solve them.
Think about a pressing problem in your parenting

journey right now. Let’s say that the problem you are
facing is your child’s behavioral outbursts. They don’t
listen, and no matter what you do, it always ends in a
fight. The problem can seem insurmountable. This
can make you feel vulnerable and alone.
If you change your maladaptive thinking from “This

can’t be solved,” or unbelief that says, “I can’t do this,”
to adaptive thinking that says, “I have the power to
change it,” a whole new world will open up to you.
4
When you change your thinking, solutions will come

in like a flood. You will start seeing the issue in a new
way. This can lead to trying new strategies that
produce different results. Before you know it, you
look back, and life is much better.
That’s the power of changing your perception and

beliefs. I’ve witnessed this in my own life. There have
been times when the problem had gone on so long
that it seemed that there was no solution to it.
However, when I dealt with my learned helplessness

and powerlessness, guess what happened? My mind
cleared up, and suddenly I saw solutions that were
right there in front of me the entire time. I am sure
that you have experienced times like this also.
Why do shifts in perception lead to solving problems?
The reason is inattentional blindness. This is when

someone fails to perceive something right in front of
them because their attention is focused elsewhere.
Ever seen someone cross the street staring down at

their phone only to realize they’ve almost walked into
a car? That’s inattentional blindness, and it can
happen in all aspects of life. What you focus on
persists.
5
If you focus on a lack of resources, tools, ability, and

faith in yourself to solve your problems, you will get
more of what you are trying to avoid.
However, if you refocus your attention from problem-

focused to solutions-focused, you will often see the
solution...right there...in front of your eyes!
Let’s look at the second principle this book is guided

by.
“All behavior is a form of communication.”
What is seen on the outside is often a symptom of

something much deeper. My goal is to expose the
roots of your child’s external behavior to help you see
the patterns. That way, when your child acts out,
instead of feeling overwhelmed and helpless or
powerless, you will understand the behavior and
know how to manage it. You will learn to manage it
effectively without yelling, shouting, or smacking. The
result is a happier, more confident you and peaceful
home.
Humans are strange. We are both incredibly

complicated but predictable at the same time. This
paradox can make parenting and managing your kid’s
behavior pretty confusing.
6
We all know that language extends far beyond

words. We understand that body language is a
form of communication, and we instinctively pay
attention to it when conversing with others.
However, when you take a step back and look at

the repeated words, phrases, and style of body
language your child is displaying, you will begin to
see their patterns and eventually be able to
predict their behavior.
Everything we say or do is a form of

communication. When you wake up in the
morning and grab your phone, you are
communicating something about your life. You are
saying that the information contained within your
phone is of the utmost priority in your life.
Checking your phone gives you a dopamine hit. It's

pleasurable to your brain, so you do more of it.
Our repeated patterns of behavior give us
something in return. If they didn't, we wouldn't
commit to them.
Likewise, your children commit to certain

behaviors because they get a pay-off from them.
These behavioral patterns fulfill a need within
them. The faster the need is fulfilled, the more
they will commit to it because it's easy.
7
Therefore, all behavior is a form of communicating

needs, wants, and desires. In this book, you will learn
about your child’s behavior across their childhood
and how to Discipline them Without Damage
according to their age.
I start most chapters with a sociological explanation

of the topic. Then I dive into examples, giving both
sides of the debate. So you can see the consequences
of each path that is in front of you. I narrow the topic
down by directing you to the path that I believe is the
best way forward. However, this book is not designed
to dictate to you. I am simply here to present both
sides so that you can choose a path that is right for
you. At the end of each chapter, I will give you
strategies and methods that you can put into practice
right away.
In this book, I dispel some common myths and

misconceptions about discipline. I do this by revealing
what discipline truly is and how to use this powerful
tool in your parenting. This book is not based on a
single parenting theory.
There are a lot of parenting theories out there, from

Positive Parenting, Strengths-based Parenting,
Montessori to Gentle Parenting. While I believe all of
these theories have merit.
8
One single theory cannot give a holistic view of the

topic. Nor are they consistent in presenting realistic
strategies that can be adapted to your unique
environment. Some of these theories can be
extremely rigid in their thinking.
When I studied psychology at University we were

taught to read widely and not to rely on one
theoretical perspective. It was wise advice. One
singular parenting perspective isn’t the magic formula
you’ve been looking for. It's considered malpractice
for a mental health clinician to rigidly stick to one
theoretical perspective. Doing so creates an
imbalance, and bias that can harm their clients. This
is why this book was not written based on one
theoretical perspective only.
I come from a holistic perspective. I draw from all the

theoretical perspectives across a wide range of
disciplines relating to behavior. These disciplines
include but are not limited to, psychology, sociology,
biology, and anthropology.
This book will arm you with knowledge so that you

will become your own version of Victorious. It will not
dictate you or make you feel guilty for not following a
strict set of rules.
9
Disciplining Without Damage is not about being soft,

hard, trying to remain calm 24/7, or denying the
range of emotions you feel as a parent. It’s about
moving towards a leadership mentality where you
govern your home with authority without becoming
an authoritarian.
Disciplining Without Damage will help you to become

an empowered leader in your home who is in control
without being controlling.
A parent who commands respect in their home

without ruling with an iron fist.
A parent who doesn’t feel guilty when their head hits

the pillow at night.
So you can have more positive energy to give to your

child and the other loved ones in your life (including
yourself).
There is only one person whom you can control in

this life, and that person is you. Disciplining Without
Damage means responding to your child in an
empowering manner for both of you. You will know
how to deal with their core behavioral problems
swiftly from a place of power and strength.
10
When your head hits the pillow at night, regardless of

the type of day you’ve had, you will know that you’ve
done your best for your child. You will be at peace.
This is the expectation I have for you when you read

this book. All I can do is provide the information to
you. The rest is up to you. The results you experience
will be a direct result of your work, dedication, and
consistency.
This book will benefit anyone who has a child in their

care. When I use the word parent, it extends to
grandparents, uncles, aunts, teachers, foster carers,
and caregivers of all kinds. If there is a child in your
care, then you will benefit from this book.
I’ve written this book to help you solve behavioral

dilemmas in your home so that the anxiety you feel
as a parent turns into a quiet confidence. Most
parents have anxieties when it comes to parenting.
They worry if they are doing the right thing when it

comes to discipline.
They worry when their child does not respond in the

way they would like.
11
They worry about their child’s self-esteem, self-worth,

and socialization.
They worry about how to help their child through

bullying and depression.
They worry about how to reach them when they

won’t open up.
They worry about how to keep their kids safe online

and when they are in school.
They worry that they are not effectively providing

them the tools they need to become successful
adults.
Succinctly…Parents worry.
Parenting is NOT for the faint-hearted. It’s full of

worries, stress, and a lot of sleepless nights. Even
when you are doing everything in your power as a
parent, there’s a little voice in the background
saying… “Am I really being the best parent I can be?” It
can feel overwhelming, but you are not alone.
You have the most important job on the planet. You

want the best for your child and to make sure that
you are there for them in the ways they need it the
most.
12
You want peace and flow within your home. No more

fighting, smacking, yelling, or feeling guilty.
When you first became a parent, your friends with

older children might have said – “Good luck!” More so
in a sarcastic... “You have no idea what you are getting
into,” way.
However, life is full of stress in general. Not just

parenting. How you perceive it and act on it will
determine the kind of life you will live and the kind of
parent you become. Your perception comes from
what you believe. If you believe parenting is hard,
constantly problematic, a nightmare, then it will be.
However, if you believe that parenting is designed to

benefit your growth and bring you happiness, then it
will. What you believe is right. If you believe the sky is
red, then you’re right. If you believe it’s yellow, then
you’re right. Your beliefs dictate your perception.
If you focus on how horrible your child’s behavior

makes you feel, then you will create a block in your
mind that will prevent you from seeing through it.
Our minds create our reality. However, there are
other perspectives that are probably equally or more
valid than our own. To adopt them, we must change
what we believe.
13
I am of the view that parenting is supposed to be

enjoyed. Yes, it tests you. However, it’s not supposed
to be a horror show that only ends when they turn
18. Parenting is one of the most difficult things you
will ever have to do, but it is also the most rewarding.
In saying that, parenting can feel the opposite of that.

If you focus on solidifying your beliefs based on your
feelings alone, then you miss out on the riches
parenting challenges will bring you. Parenting can feel
like you’re on a merry-go-round, always ending up
where you started. It can feel like banging your head
against the wall…
This time…
This time…
This time...
Hmmm... Maybe next time things will be better!
I know this all too well. Parenting can feel difficult

because human behavior seems difficult, chaotic,
unorganized, and erratic. Often we do not
understand why someone does what they do. It
seems that understanding it would take decades.
Some claim that behavior is erratic and cannot be

predicted. I understand why they think that. It’s hard
for us to understand our own behavior, let alone our
kids, who seem to be operating on a whole different
level.
14
As well-intended, as they are, they are dead wrong!

Science can 100% refute their claims and so does my
experience and research.
Here is the good news.
Regardless of your child's age, race, gender, or

cultural identity, there are a finite number of patterns
that children and adults exhibit. As humans, we are
creatures of habit and pattern. Our behaviors follow
the same habitual rules time and time again.
Before I became a parenting educator I was a teacher.

I taught children from all over the world how to speak
English as a second language. The youngest child I
taught was just six months old.
Yes, you read that right. I taught a six-month-old baby

how to speak English…Well kind of.
Her Japanese mother was my student and wanted her

daughter to learn how to speak English from the
moment she could sit up. I would spend about 15
minutes each lesson speaking in English to the infant.
What a dedicated mother!
15
She wanted to give her daughter everything she

could. Giving her the gift of a second language was
one of the best gifts she could give. I spent years
teaching children of all ages, abilities, and disabilities.
I learned that behaviorally all children have similar
core needs.
It doesn’t matter if they lived in Dubai, Russia,

Australia, Hong Kong, The United States, Ireland, the
United Kingdom, or France. All my students exhibited
the same core root patterns of behavior time and
time again. Their behavior on the outside may have
differed slightly, but they communicated the same
needs and wants. I taught kids with ADHD, severe
mental disabilities, and physical disabilities.
Regardless of ability, my strategies worked across the
board.
I am not saying that ADHD kids and kids on the

spectrum behave exactly the same way as kids
without or they don’t need special help. They do, and
they have their own set of behavioral patterns and
challenges that are unique to them that requires
extra help.
What I am saying is that the core of their behavior

communicates the same wants, needs, and desires as
other children. They may communicate those needs
differently, but at the core, all children have similar
needs, and their behavior will reflect that.
16
One universal core need is love. Decades ago, child

developmental psychologists discovered that love is
not a just sensation but a real physical force much
like the force of gravity.
They discovered from birth all human beings require

love to survive. If a baby is not emotionally loved, it
will die. I am not talking about neglecting their
physical needs. I am talking about neglecting their
emotional needs.
They discovered that even if a baby’s physical needs

are cared for, without love, they will die. Humans
need love. Love is a real physical force, and your
survival literally depends on it. It doesn’t matter
where the child is from or what disabilities they have.
If they are not loved, they will die. Love is a universal
core need, and it’s not the only one.
In this book, you will learn a lot about the core needs
of your child by working backward. You will look at
their behavior and work backward to find the root
cause and the need it communicates. Once the need
is fulfilled, then you will see behavioral change.
The hard part is that children don’t tell us what they

really need. They communicate it in all kinds of ways
that seem separate from the core issue they are
having.
17
In this book, I will help you to see through the

behavior. So you can see the root of the problem. The
root is where real transformation takes place.
I’ve taught ADHD kids and kids on the spectrum

alongside kids without those challenges, and I did not
discriminate between them. I used these strategies
with all of them equally, and it worked for all of them.
That’s because I dealt with their core needs first.
For some, it took longer than others which meant I

had to adapt my strategies and involve the parents
on a deeper level. The children who had disabilities
needed more help. It took more patience and work
than kids without those challenges.
However, in the end, because I understood the roots

of their behavior, I was able to manage it effectively
without yelling or shouting and totally transform it.
This is something I am proud of as a teacher.
Once I recognized their patterns and worked

backward, I knew how to manage their behavior. I
know that you can too. I will teach you how to do it in
this book.
18
My experiences as a teacher gave me the ability to

test out my behavioral strategies on a variety of kids
and refine them until I saw results.
I tested them out on my own child, too, and it was the

same. I saw results. I know you will too! I want you to
be encouraged because behavior can seem erratic. I
promise you it isn’t.
All behavior is communication. All behaviors are well-

worn habits that the brain has become accustomed
to. We commit to habits that fill our needs. Habits can
be made or broken. Habits only define you if you let
them. The good news is that forming good habits
start with a choice, and you have the power to
choose.
If you find out what the message is and work through

your emotions, you will know how to manage the
behavior.
You will become your own behavioral expert. Instead

of stress and overwhelm, you will experience the
feeling that comes from becoming the leader you
were born to be.
You will become Victorious.
19
It might mean there are things you discover about

yourself that need to change. If this is the case, be
reassured that it does not diminish your self-worth or
value as a parent. In fact, it empowers you to become
the best that you can be.
This book will not solve all your parenting problems.

By its very nature, a book cannot address specific
private problems that you have in your home.
However, if you put my strategies into practice, you

will become more empowered to Discipline Without
Damage from a perspective that you never thought
possible!
Parenting is a process of learning, understanding, and

applying. Nobody is perfect. There is no such thing as
a perfect parent.
I will teach you battle-tested strategies and how to

apply them so that you will see different results. You
will have your good days and your bad days. It’s all a
part of being human.
Somedays, you will forget everything and yell your

lungs out, and on other days you will Discipline
Without Damage. The bad days do not make you a
bad parent or a bad person. Nor does it make you a
failure.
20
When it comes to your personal journey, there is no

such thing as a total failure. Every end is a new
beginning.
You might say... “Well, Arabella, I know plenty of people

who’ve failed.” Here’s the thing, if you want to be
successful at anything, you will fail, but total failure
only occurs when you give up and walk away.
The most successful people in this world worked

through failure. They never gave up. This brings me to
my other personal guiding principle that I mentioned
earlier.
I never give up – Ever!
I am relentless. I’ll never stop learning, growing, and

becoming my own version of Victorious. This
philosophy comes from years of feeling sorry for
myself, wanting help, and not finding any.
I was literally forced to pick up my mat and walk. I

was forced to find solutions or face living life with
major unsolved issues that weighed on my soul day in
and day out. I urge you to adopt a similar mindset.
There is always hope, but hope without action is
pointless. If you are relentless in your pursuit of
bettering yourself, you will achieve greatness the past
you could only envy.
21
Let me give you an example of this principle in action.

When I wrote my first book in 2013, I only sold 14
copies. It was a poetry book that I wrote when going
through a hard time in my life. It was meant to be a
coffee table book that empowered women going
through similar situations. Yet people did not want it.
At the time, I failed to become the author I knew I was

meant to be. However, I didn’t give up. I used that
failure to refine my craft, and at the time of writing, I
have sold more than 25,000 copies of my other book,
the Ultimate Guide to Promoting Positive Self-
esteem in Children. Imagine if I gave up. I would not
have been able to help the thousands of parents out
there who need it, and I would not be able to help
you right now.
Adopting a new mindset requires a new set of beliefs.

If you believe failure is the end, then you’ll never
resolve anything. Worse yet, you might end up living a
life far below the greatness you could achieve.
There is no such thing as a total failure. There are just

people who don’t try or half try. People who give up
too soon. People who put things in the “too hard
basket” and hope the problems will take care of
themselves. People who complain but never take
action. If you blow out a tire on your car, do you
throw out the entire vehicle?
22
Of course not. You get a new tire. It’s the same in life.
Just because it looks like you’ve come to the end of
something doesn’t mean it’s not worth pursuing.
It might mean that the tools you were using were

being used incorrectly. Perhaps you needed a little
more personal support.
If I blow out a tire on my car, it gets replaced. If you’ve

been doing the same thing over and over and getting
the same results, it might be time to replace your
maladaptive perspective with an adaptive one, which
involves gaining new tools and support.
I am here to give you all three. However, it’s up to you

to take what you need from this book and run with it.
Run like your future self depends on it.
Run with all your heart and might.
Run because life is short.
Run because you deserve to become the best version

of Victorious you can be.
Run because your child is watching.
23
Run because life is for living, not for wallowing in the

mud of your own despair, waiting for someone to
rescue you.
Pick up your mat and let’s go! Be the type of parent

who dusts off their shoes and starts again fresh the
next day!
You will need maturity, patience, and commitment to

see these strategies through. The fact that you are
reading this book tells me you have a hunger for
change and like learning. That’s a great start!
Try these strategies out, one at a time, and monitor

your progress. Then refine them, test them out, and
change them to meet your circumstances.
I cannot account for every single person who buys

this book. So take what is relevant to your situation
and diligently apply it. As a parent, you are a leader.
In this book, I will empower you to become the best
leader you can be.
I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “life only works if you
do,” or “practice makes perfect.” This book will work if
you do. Diligent, consistent practice in the pursuit of
becoming Victorious will yield the results you desire.
Use all of your senses and your intuition. Along with
these strategies, I know you will become Victorious
and Transform Your Home-Life!
24
Cheers to Disciplining Without Damage and raising

emotionally healthy children who grow up to
become emotionally healthy adults!
Arabella Hille
BSocSc(Behavioural
Studies) Swinburne
25
All behavior is a form
of communication.
abel la
Ar e
Hill
Chapter 1
Disciplining Without
Damage
Societies like ours are borne out of chaos. We take

the mess and turn it into a message of freedom and
hope. We do this through order. Societies run
smoothly with order. Without it, we would cease to
innovate and progress forward, and we would come
to ruin. This is a demonstration of another universal
core need we all have.
Earlier I mentioned we all need love. Without love,

we would die. We also need order. Without order,
our societies would cease to exist.
Regardless of whether you live in the West or the

East, your brain is designed to bring order out of
chaos. While we sleep, our minds sift through the
chaos that has come in through our environment
during the day. It decides what to keep and what to
throw out.
Our brains bring order out of chaos by recognizing

patterns and establishing routines. Routine is our
brain's way of bringing order. Information that is
deemed important becomes a part of you. This
process is called habituation. Habituation is why
habits, people, places, and things become familiar to
us. It is why some people just feel like home even
when we barely know them. Habituation is why we
don’t have to re-learn to tie our shoes once we’ve
learned.
26
The process of habituation helps our brains to

partake in behaviors that benefit us. It clears the
clutter so we can take in new information and learn
new things. The need to create order out of chaos is
something we cannot escape. It’s literally in our
biological makeup, and it affects every single human
being on this planet.
Because of our inherent human need to create

order out of chaos we devised methods to elicit
control. One method is punishment. Our society
punishes those who are chaotic. When someone
breaks the law, they are removed from society and
sent to prison. Likewise, when a child becomes
chaotic, we seek to bring order. Traditionally this
was done through corporal punishment. This has
phased into time-outs where we remove our
children from our micro-society (the family) to
punish them.
In this way, the goal of punishment is designed to

reform bad behavior. However, it does not. If this
were the case, then our jails would only contain first-
time offenders, and time-outs would work across the
board. Unfortunately, many offenders will become
repeat offenders, and time-outs don’t always work.
This proves punishment does not create long-lasting
behavioral change. Punishment can seem like the
inevitable consequence of disobedience. We need
order, and we need an effective way to create and
maintain it. 27
While most people intellectually understand that

discipline and punishment are not the same. The
concepts have been skewed in our wider society.
“If only they would behave” is a phrase commonly said

by parents worldwide. I guess we could say the same
about criminals. If only they would behave, then we
wouldn’t have crime. The root of this statement is
the need to bring order out of chaos.
Children are chaotic there is no doubt about that.

Children go against our universal need for order.
The consequence of this is that we unwittingly end
up punishing our children, thinking we are
disciplining them.
How many times have you heard someone say,

“Control your child!” What people are really saying is
that behavioral chaos creates psychological pain,
and they want it to be relieved. They may not
recognize this consciously, but unconsciously it is at
the root of why they say this.
Order is a universal need because chaos creates

pain within us. Our brains are designed to avoid
pain. When our kids become chaotic, our brains
scramble to make sense of it and rush to find ways
to bring order so the psychological pain will ease.
28
We tend to think...
If we can control our kids, then we would have

peace.
If they would do what we say, when we say, then

we would have order.
If only they would behave themselves, then we

would be able to enjoy life to a higher degree.
These statements stem from our core desire to have

order within our lives. To the human brain, order
equals thriving. Chaos equals stunted growth and
death.
Therefore, we seek to control and bring order out of

chaos.
Why do we default to punishing chaos?
When we punish criminals for breaking the rules by

sending them to prison, we do it for several reasons.
We do it to bring shame and physical restriction to
protect the public. We think that their isolation from
society will reform their behavior. We punish kids
with corporal punishment and time-outs for the
same reasons. To bring an element of shame
associated with their bad behavior and physical
restriction in order to reform them.
29
Punishment always brings an element of shame.

Adults who violate our most sacred values should be
ashamed of themselves because they are adults and
they do know better. They should be removed from
society to protect the rest of us. While we may be
protected in this manner, the offenders often
remain the same. While we punish our kids with
corporal punishment and time-outs, we often find
ourselves at our wit’s end having to do it over and
over. Until either, we give up or create an
environment that is borderline dictatorial.
When adults violate our sacred rules, they do it

knowing it’s wrong and understanding the
consequences for doing it. However, kids do not any
better. Yet we punish and inflict shame upon them
as if they ought to. I’m not saying kids do not know
the difference between right and wrong. The
awareness of those principles is age-dependent.
However, we need to see them as individuals who
are learning the difference between right and wrong
and not treat them the same as we would treat
chaotic adults.
Think of punishment as a last resort. First comes

discipline. Then, if that fails, the offender is
punished. Sometimes we punish our kids without
disciplining them. This can cause a lot of problems,
including strained parent/child relationships.
30
Why do kids seem so unruly and hard to manage?

The pre-frontal cortex of the brain which is
centered at the front is responsible for decision
making and impulse control. This is the last part of
the brain to develop. It doesn’t finish developing
until the age of 25. However, according to new
research, in some individuals, it might be 30 years
old. The pre-frontal cortex helps us to make good
choices and act with forethought to know the
difference between right and wrong and
understand the consequences for each path.
This is why kids’ behavior can appear elusive to us.

In this book, I’ve included age-specific chapters.
So, that you will be able to understand where your
child is developmentally and what they are
capable of understanding from a behavioral and
brain development perspective. Our kid’s
biological impulses are pulling them in one
direction, and we are pulling them in another. This
is why we can find ourselves at war with them.
Bringing Order Out of Chaos
As I've mentioned, up until about 15 years ago the

most common method to bring order was
corporal punishment. Smacking was the most
popular method among parents. When I was at
school if I stepped out of line, I’d get the paddle. If
I was at home, I'd get the belt or wooden spoon.
Where did the idea of smacking come from?
31
Smacking - A Brief Western History
For hundreds of years, smacking has been a widely

accepted method of managing the behavior of
children. In the West, this method came from the
saying “Spare the rod, spoil the child”. This is a
paraphrase of Proverbs 13:24 in the Holy Bible that
came from the Original King Kames Version.
Our Western society was built upon Christian

principles. This paraphrase was adopted and spread
widely as a core principle that people were expected
to live by. It even seeped into later translations of
the scripture such as the New International and New
King James Versions. At the time, it seemed logical to
correct children in this way, because the phrase
sounded like it was biblical. So they reasoned that
smacking was the right thing to do because God
wants us to do it.
However, the Proverbs 13:24 paraphrase is not

biblical at all. It was written as a poem by a writer in
1664 named Samuel Butler. The paraphrase is the
poet’s private interpretation of the passage. It was
never intended to be anything more than creative
poetry. However, because people repeated this
paraphrase over, and over and it spread across the
West widely. Because it was repeated over a long
period of time, it was adopted into the collective
cultural mindset as scripture.
32
Unfortunately, Samuel Butler was wrong. The

passage that we’ve governed our children by for the
last three centuries is based on his private
interpretation that stemmed from his cultural
viewpoint in the 1600s.
The correct interpretation is this, “If you love your

children hold them accountable for their actions”. The
rod spoken about in the passage is not literal. It’s an
idiom. Perhaps our ancestors were unaware of this.
An idiom is a phrase of expression much like a

metaphor. The rod is a metaphor for a shepherd
guiding his sheep with a staff or rod. God is depicted
in the Holy Bible as a shepherd and parents are
instructed to do the same. The rod isn’t used by God
anywhere in scripture to beat his sheep to reform
their behavior.
Jesus also likened himself to a shepherd. Nowhere in

the text do you see him either physically using a rod
or metaphorically in his language to describe
discipline by means of beating sheep or followers, or
children with a rod.
That’s because the rod mentioned in Proverbs 13:24

is metaphorical, not literal. The purpose of the
passage is to make parents aware that if they do not
hold their children accountable for their actions,
they will become spoiled.
33
It's a warning about behavioral consequences, not a

mandate for beating kids. It means loving your
children requires keeping them accountable for their
actions. Holding children accountable is a loving act.
It is designed to help their development into
adulthood where the consequences for chaotic
behavior are much greater.
The text is thousands of years old. Samuel Butler

was trying to understand it through his own cultural
lens. He presented it in the form of poetry, and
never intended for it to become canonized in the
minds of society as a whole. Yet it did, and here we
are. We've based our parenting on a 16th-century
poetical paraphrase of a single bible passage.
In the late 1600’s it seemed logical to punish kids in

this way. This is why the poet’s interpretation spread
widely. Nobody wants their kids to grow up spoiled,
bratty, or entitled. Doing so would be detrimental to
the development and progression of our society.
It would mean disarray, and that chaos would
become the prevalent norm and threaten our very
existence. From that perspective, it’s easy to see why
this idea has stuck around for the last 300 years.
Now I am not here to preach the Bible to you, or to

debate this passage with you. I am not here to trash
our ancestors. They did what they thought was right
at the time via their limited understanding.
34
The beauty of life is that we get to look back and

learn from our mistakes and make better choices for
tomorrow. I prefer to remain politically and
religiously neutral in my work, but this Ultimate
Guide would be nothing without this important
historical context.
Samuel Butler was wrong and for the last 300 years,
we have had it wrong. Knowing that is freeing
because now we can choose a different path.
So how do we proceed forward?
Presently, it has become obvious that this manner of

eliciting control isn’t as effective as it ought to be. We
know that smacking children does not prevent them
from becoming spoiled. If the paraphrase were true
then it would be effective. The fact that our jails are
overrun we can see that it is not.
In addition, smacking does not build character. If this

was the case the prisons would be full of criminals
who were never smacked. We know a lot more
about our own biology now than we ever did in the
past. In the wrong hands smacking can cause real
psychological, and physical damage to children.
If Samuel Butler were alive today, I am sure he’d

have a different take on Proverbs 13:24 that might
sound something like this...
35
Proverbs 13:24 simply means that when a child goes

astray the intent is to guide, correct, and steer back
onto the right path. To instill right from wrong, by
leading them like a shepherd leads their flock. A
shepherd will guide their flock with a “rod”, or “staff”.
In fact, one of the most popular Bible verses Psalm
23 says “Your staff and rod comforts me”. That doesn’t
sound like using a rod to beat someone into
submission to reform their behavior, does it?
Like I mentioned nowhere in the Bible do you see

God or Jesus beating their followers, or children with
a physical rod to manage their behavior. However,
you do see them guiding and correcting. According
to the Bible, a rod or staff is designed to bring
comfort not pain. Smacking our children is the
opposite of that. But how can a rod or a staff bring
comfort? They are physical objects, aren't they?
A rod or a staff can bring comfort when the rod or

staff is a metaphor for wisdom spoken in love. The
Holy Bible is a complicated book because it's made
up of many books. Many of the Bible's illustrations
are metaphors that demonstrate inner principles.
Wisdom seeds hope and hope produces comfort.
That’s what that this verse means. A rod represents
wisdom and experience. It doesn’t involve using your
hand, an actual rod, or another instrument to inflict
pain to create order. It involves using your
experience, and maturity to guide and teach.
36
It’s about guiding and course correction from a place

of wisdom, borne from experience handed down
with authority in love. That is how you retain control
in your home and how you teach your kids to
respect you.
Again, I am not here to preach to you. This is not a

religious book by any stretch of the imagination, and
this is the only time a religious text is mentioned in
this book. However, it's an important point to make,
because we’ve based our methods on a gross
misunderstanding of this biblical principle for 300
years.
For the last 300 years, we have been raised by it,

accepted it, and normalized it. As a result, a lot of
damage to families has occurred. Sure, there are
some who smack their kids “responsibly” (and I use
that term loosely) without abusing them, but there
are many who lack control or know where the
boundaries lay.
Instead of disciplining they end up abusing their

kids. As a result, their kids grow up to become
damaged adults who spend much of their lives
healing from childhood abusers – Their own parents.
In this manner, the rod becomes a tool of pain not a

tool of comfort which is literally the opposite of what
the original writer in the biblical text intended.
37
As a parent, you are a leader whether you see

yourself as one or not. Leaders lead with wisdom
and truth in love.
They guide and correct their children back onto the

right path when they stray. They protect their
children from the wolves of the world by holding
them accountable for their actions. They do this
because they love them.
They take the brunt of the force when things get

choppy, to protect their kids from things that are
beyond their ability to process.
That is what being a leader is all about.
In the long-term, smacking fractures the family unit

and creates division where there ought to be
unification. Again, this method is generally seen as
discipline, but it's not. It's punishment and that’s a
different concept. This is why I have written books
just like this, and why I am so passionate about
serving parents all over the world.
I am pro-unification.
I am pro-family.
Whatever that family looks like.
No matter the size, religion, or beliefs.
I am pro-family.
38
I believe a strong family equals emotionally and

mentally healthy kids who grow up to become the
leaders of tomorrow we need them to be.
We need unified families in our society. Unified

families equal a strong and healthy society that
flourishes. When families are divided so is society at
large. Therefore, I am pro-family.
Discipline vs. Punishment
To discipline means to disciple.
To disciple means to guide and correct.
Punishment brings shame and inflicts pain either

psychologically or physically. Punishment comes
after discipline and should be the very last resort
reserved for lawbreakers.
We need a way of disciplining that empowers, lifts,

guides, corrects, and loves in wisdom. Not methods
that damage our kids before they’ve figured out who
they are in the world.
Raising well-mannered kids who grow up to be

responsible citizens is the goal.
Disciplining Without Damage is the way.
39
Why Smacking Doesn't Work
At this point, you may completely disagree with me. I

know some of you who are reading this right now
are completely disagreeing with me and that’s ok.
It’s hard to see things from a different perspective

when our entire lives we’ve been raised with one
way of looking at things. 300 years is a long time for
a society to base its cultural identity on without
much change. It takes time to adapt to something
new.
You may know people who were smacked as

children who say, “I am so glad I was hit as a child, or I
might have ended up in jail”. I personally know people
who say this. Yet, if the premise of their argument
were correct our jails wouldn’t have criminals in
them who were smacked as kids. Yet, we do.
Furthermore, if it was correct preventing crimes

would be as simple as smacking children when they
misbehaved. Since smacking doesn't prevent people
from becoming criminals and we can see the proof
of that in our society, smacking does not build
character either. So the premise of their argument is
faulty. So why do some people think that smacking is
an effective tool for managing the behavior of
children? Well, let’s go deeper…
40
Our brain's core function is to keep us alive at all

costs. It works hard all day every day to make that
happen without our conscious awareness.
Back in the dark reaches of our minds, our biology is

urging us to maintain order for our very survival. As I
mentioned earlier it does this by avoiding pain.
We hate pain because our brains want to thrive and

pain equals decay and decay equals death. So
corporal punishment seemed like the most logical
and sensible way to bring about the order we crave
and need.
However, there is a very dark side to smacking most

parents are unaware of. A dark side that can cause
more chaos in the home than it prevents.
Let’s say there’s a five-year-old boy named Johnny.

Johnny loves cookies and if left alone will dive into
the cookie jar without a second thought.
Johnny’s mother is furious, so she smacks him with

her hand and sends him to his room. Every time
Johnny dives into the jar without permission his
mother smacks him.
Over time, his mother smacks him a little harder

because Johnny’s brain has become accustomed to
her style and can predict her next move.
41
Smacking with her hand has become less effective.

To combat this, she grabs a wooden spoon and
leaves a red welt on his backside.
Now Johnny is crying his heart out. He decides that

it’s too painful to risk diving into the cookie jar again.
His mother is relieved. She sees that Johnny has
stopped taking cookies without permission and
heralds smacking as the method that stopped the
behavior.
However, Johnny hasn’t stopped taking cookies out

of the jar because he understands that eating
cookies all day will make you sick.
He has stopped taking cookies because his brain is

designed for survival. When he thinks about
breaking the rules, Johnny's brain sends signals to
his nervous system and releases chemicals that
make him feel anxious. Johnny has stopped taking
cookies because he wants to avoid pain.
Because Johnny doesn’t understand why eating

cookies is not good for him, the urge to steal cookies
becomes stronger. A few weeks later little Johnny
wakes up in the night, sneaks around the house, and
dives into the cookie jar. He knows that as long as he
doesn’t get caught, he will avoid the pain of being
smacked. He’s found a way to get what he wants and
avoid pain at the same time.
42
We might call this behavior manipulative. He knows

he’s not supposed to be doing it because he will get
hit, but he doesn’t know why it’s not good for him.
So, he devises a way of getting what he wants
without the pain.
The next day his mother notices a significant drop in

the number of cookies in the jar. She asks Johnny if
he took any.
What do you think Johhny will say?
Do you think Johnny will come clean and say, “Mom

last night I got up while you were sleeping, snuck
around the house so you wouldn’t wake, and ate five
cookies?"
In an ideal world perhaps, but we don’t live in that

world.
He’s going to lie his face off!
Why?
Is he a horrible child who needs a good beating?
Not at all. Johhny lies to his mother because his

brain is on high alert. It's sending his nervous system
signals that he is in danger which causes physical
sensations of anxiety in his body.
43
Johnny lies to his mother to avoid pain. In the end,

Johnny learns nothing, and the behavior of lying and
manipulating to avoid pain seeps into other areas of
his life. This is the dark side of smacking.
All it does is teach kids to avoid pain and lying is a

good way to avoid pain. By smacking Johnny when
he ate the cookies without permission, all his mother
did was create another problem that she will have to
deal with later on.
Lying and The Avoidance of Pain
To avoid pain Johnny has learned to lie. There are

many ways to avoid pain and lying is one the most
common.
Ever wondered why your child lies to you? It is

usually to avoid perceived or real psychological, or
physical pain. Our brains are wired for protection
and protection means avoiding pain.
Lying is a protective measure. It’s comforting to the

brain when we feel that we are able to protect
ourselves. The reason why adults lie is more or less
the same reason – Protection. However, it goes
deeper than that. We don’t like to hear the truth,
because it involves change and change involves
struggle and struggle is pain.
44
We also don't want to admit the truth because

admitting we were wrong or did wrong brings
shame and shame is psychological and social pain.
We are social creatures, so the sting of social pain is

a big reason why lying is common. We want to get
our own way without perceived obstacles.
Obstacles in the way of getting what we want are

perceived in our brains as pain because it involves
struggle, so to avoid pain we lie.
Lying is also the avoidance of having to work

through the fallout of something you did wrong or
avoiding obstacles on your path to getting your own
way.
Lying can lead to inhibited emotional growth and

maturity. This is the sad, and inevitable personal
consequence of lying.
If you punish lying with pain such as smacking it will

lead to more lying. To help your kids to stop lying, sit
down with them and discuss the inner and outer
consequences of doing it. Usually, the antidote to
anything is its opposite, tackle lying with the truth.
Make the truth a way of life. Truth is the foundation
of wisdom. Make the truth known and hold your kids
personally accountable to it.
45
Most of us don’t want to entertain someone who is

constantly in emotional pain, because we feel
helpless to remove it from them. Some ignore their
pain because it seems too hard to handle.
The big problem here is that avoidance of pain leads

to frustration, which can only lead to apathy and
inaction.
This is the opposite of what we want to instill in our

kids. We don’t want apathetic children who grow up
to be emotionally hardened adults. We want
resilient, switched-on, awake children who are
emotionally intelligent and can govern their lives
with integrity and honor.
Today as a society we are in limbo. We cannot go

back to where we were because it goes against our
human nature that urges us to progress and move
forward. At the same time, we are unsure of how to
move forward.
How do we get our kids to behave in ways that

benefit us and them?
How do we communicate with them in a way where

they learn to self-regulate their own behavior and
grow up to be productive members of society?
46
As a collective – We aren’t sure. That’s because we’re

still holding onto our old ideas. Like the idea that
discipline must include punishment. However, this is
where this book comes into play. This book is a
bridge between where we were and where we need
to be to progress forward.
I've spoken a lot about smacking and time-outs, but

another form of punishment is yelling. Nobody likes
to be yelled at or spoken to harshly. A child will stop
a certain behavior to avoid being yelled at. Ever had
your child say, “I didn’t tell you because I was afraid,
you’d yell at me”?
That’s the brain's desire to avoid pain. Yelling like

smacking has been used to manage kids’ behavior.
We do it to punish, to make them understand how
frustrated we are, and how serious the situation is.
In the end, the only thing yelling accomplishes is that
our kids will avoid certain behaviors in front of us. It
doesn’t guide and correct them to better behavioral
patterns. Instead, they learn to become
manipulative to get what they want.
Establishing Peace in the Home
You can bring order and peace to your home

without smacking or yelling. Most parents want their
kids to be obedient because they think that
obedience leads to order.
47
However, you will learn there is another way, and

that obedience does not lead to long-lasting
behavioral change – Not the kind of change that
brings freedom and autonomy.
Your kids can understand that there are negative

consequences to breaking the rules without nagging,
threatening, shaming, or punishing them. It doesn’t
require you to become someone you’re not or will
away the anger or frustration.
There is a new way forward. A way that settles the

psychological pain within our minds. A way that
brings harmony and order. A way that helps you and
your family to thrive, progress forward, and
establish peace in the home.
It doesn’t require any special tools, and it doesn’t

require radical change on your part. It requires a
new way of thinking about the issue. When your
perception changes, you will be able to apply the
strategies in this book with ease in a way where
you’ll see long-lasting results.
You won’t be perfect at it. Neither am I, but it’s

progression our society needs to move forward.
Disciplining Without Damage begins with a new
collective definition of what discipline is.
48
It requires a conscious shift away from utilizing

punishment as a first measure. To move forward
we need to learn leadership and to lean away
from authoritarianism.
As I mentioned earlier, the word discipline means

to disciple. It comes from the Latin word
"discipulus" which means pupil.
It also comes from the Latin word “disciplina”

meaning instruction, knowledge, tuition, and
training.
In addition, it is derived from the root word

“discere” which means, “to learn.”
Therefore, to discipline means to teach. Let me say

that again. Disciplining children means to teach.
Not to hit them, yell, or shame them. It means to
teach them the right way to go with the wisdom
you have learned as an adult.
This is what Proverbs 13:24 is saying. It's saying to

teach your kids the difference between right and
wrong by guiding and correcting them with
wisdom. Lest they become spoiled, chaotic adults
who bring society to ruin.
Parents are leaders and leaders are teachers.

Therefore, you are a teacher.
49
Discipline is intended to teach a lesson so that the

internal benefits of committing to healthy behaviors
are understood. Effective leaders guide and correct
by working through difficult issues, instead of taking
the easy way out. This is what it means to Discipline
Without Damage. It isn’t easy, but managing a child’s
behavior via pain only creates more problems later
on.
When you Discipline your children Without Damage

you are guiding and correcting them through
repetition and practice. When you were in school
how did you learn? Did you learn when the teacher
hit, shamed or punished you? Or did you learn
through training, guidance, repetition, and practice?
Disciplining Without Damage means training your

children as a teacher would, and like a shepherd
would guide their flock. This is the most loving and
protective thing you can do for your child. This is the
concept Samuel Butler failed to perceive in the
1600s.
To discipline a child means to lead them away from

maladaptive behavioral patterns towards adaptive
behavioral patterns that ensure their survival. It
requires the mindset of a teacher, a leader, a
mentor, not an authoritarian. This way is
empowering and totally freeing for all.
50
Disciplining Without Damage in Action
Here's an example of discipline vs. punishment.
Punishment: Say your child is 18 months old. He

walks over to the gas stove where there is an open
flame and reaches out to touch it. Just in time you
grab his hand and smack it and shout “No! it’s hot –
you’ll burn yourself.”
You might say “Get out of the kitchen now, it’s not a
place for you to play in!”
Your child cries. His hand hurts, he is startled by

your reaction. He remembers not to touch the flame
because of the pain you inflicted. He doesn’t refrain
from touching the flame because it’s hot. He does it
to avoid the pain you inflicted on him. You justify
yourself because you just saved him from danger.
Discipline: Imagine the same scenario. Your child is

about to touch the flame. You grab his hand and pull
it away. You pick him up and remove him from the
kitchen. You explain to him why it’s wrong to touch
the flame. You explain the consequences of touching
the flame. You hold him securely and take him back
into the kitchen. You show him what you are doing
and explain to him that he will get hurt by touching
the flame or anything on the stove.
51
You get him to repeat the statements back to you to

make sure he comprehends what you are saying.
You set a rule, that he must not come into the

kitchen while you are cooking. You provide the
opportunity for him to conform to that rule by
making sure he is occupied or barred from coming
in by closing the door. Anytime he breaks the rule
you repeat the process, and he reaps the
consequences of breaking the rule.
The consequences might be that he is no longer

allowed in the kitchen at any time. Or you might
choose to include him in the dinner-making process
by sitting him at the dinner table and giving him
some dough and flour to play around with.
Punishment does not teach your child anything long-

term. It’s effective in the moment only because your
child is trying to avoid pain.
If you want your child to learn to self-govern his own

behavior, punishment won’t get you there. Discipline
will and that is the ultimate goal. The goal is to train
your children in the way they should go. So that
when they are older, they govern their own behavior
and you don’t have to constantly nag, yell, or punish
them for the same thing over and over for years to
come. So that they will become productive members
of society.
52
At the time of writing, my son is 19 years old. He

governs his own behavior because at one point in
his childhood I moved away from punishment to
discipline.
Once I started putting the principles in this book into

practice I no longer had to yell at all. In fact, I can’t
remember the last time I ever had to raise my voice
with him. Yelling at each other is something we don't
do in our home because we have better methods of
communicating with one another.
As a teacher, I applied these same strategies in my

classroom and found the exact same thing. My
fellow teachers often resorted to yelling their lungs
out and wondered if my students were really getting
any work done because I never had to.
My students not only did the work they were

assigned, but they excelled above and beyond their
parents’ expectations. It didn’t take much longer
than about 12 weeks to start seeing real measurable
results in my student’s behavior. Despite the fact
that I had some really tough kids in my class who
had long-term behavioral problems these strategies
worked.
The problem is that my strategies worked so well,

the school gave me all the kids the other teachers
could not handle! Ha!
53
What a problem to have indeed. I am pleased to

report that even the toughest kid learned to
conform to the rules I set because I Disciplined
them Without Damage.
The next pages of this chapter are filled with

strategies you can put into practice today. I want
you to think deeply about what you learned in this
chapter. I hope that you can see the relationship
between society at large and your family life. We
are all connected. What occurs in wider society
points to what is going on within the homes of
those within that society.
We've accepted maladaptive methods of bringing

order out of chaos because we devised these
methods when we didn't know any better. We
know better now, therefore it is our responsibility
to ensure that we do better from now on.
If you fail to act on the knowledge that you've

learned you do yourself and your family a great
disservice. If you do the same thing over and over
you will get the same results. To get different
results means change and yes psychologically it
involves working through frustration and pain.
Nothing great is borne without an element of

struggle giving birth is proof of that.
54
Put it into Practice:

Now for the fun part. At the end of each chapter,
you will find a "put it into practice" exercise
designed to take what you’ve learned and apply it.
Knowledge isn’t power. The application of

knowledge is. Knowledge isn't wisdom either.
Wisdom is knowledge and action combined!
The longer you fail to apply the knowledge you’ve

learned the more it will fade away in your mind.
Seize the opportunity to solidify this information

in your mind by putting it into practice today. This
exercise shouldn't take more than 15 minutes.
When you are ready, take out a piece of paper
and a pen.
Now, think of a recent scenario when your child

misbehaved.
What did they do?

What was your response?
What was the outcome?
Now think about your response and the outcome.

Did your child learn why that behavior was wrong?
Did they commit to that behavior again?
55
Write it down. Think deeply about what you said,

and how you handled it.
Was your style of communication effective?
What was your aim?
Was it to teach them why, or simply to stop them

in the heat of the moment?
If your goal was to stop them at the moment, then

yelling and smacking would work in the short run.
Your child will stop to avoid pain.
However, if your goal is to get them to stop that

behavior altogether for the long-term then your
goal needs to be to teach them.
Be honest with yourself. Nobody is judging you.

It’s just you and a piece of paper.
What was your goal at that moment?

Was it to stop them or to teach them?
Write it down.
When your goals shift so do your actions. On the

sheet of paper start brainstorming some possible
actions, you might have taken if your goal was to
teach.
56
What words would a teacher use to guide and

correct? Use the cookie and flame example in this
chapter for guidance.
How can you use the principles of guiding and

correcting next time your child misbehaves?
Think about all the things they do repeatedly.

Brainstorm some possible scenarios and ways you
might handle them using these principles.
Play them out in your mind. Use your imagination.

The role of the imagination is key when it comes
to changing your own behavior. It’s key to learning
and remembering what you learned. The deeper
you think about this the better.
Deep thinking creates new neuropathways in the

brain that will serve you in the heat of the moment
where you will start to catch yourself out.
I’ve literally redesigned my brain to be hard-wired

to catch myself when I default to yelling or
shaming and you can too.
Practice this type of thought daily. Catch yourself

out, and guide yourself back onto the right path.
57
Doing so will increase the likelihood of responding

differently in the heat of the moment. It will raise
your confidence and your emotional intelligence
levels too.
If you feel comfortable, post your experience with

this exercise in my Victorious Parenting
Facebook group.
Sharing what you learned helps your brain to

retain the information. To retain information, you
must immediately act on it and share it with
someone.
When you do that, your neurons will create new

pathways in your brain. If you repeat this process
enough, you will no longer resort to yelling,
punishing, or shaming. It will become an
automatic part of your behavioral patterns.
You will Discipline Without Damage.
58
Discipline means to
guide and correct.
abel la
Ar e
Hill
Chapter 2
The Four Styles
of Parenting
There are four main styles of parenting.
1. Authoritarian
2. Authoritative
3. Permissive
4. Uninvolved
The first three styles of parenting were originally

created by clinical and development psychologist
Diana Baumrind in the 1960s. Through her
research, she identified three main styles,
authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive.
In the 1980s, Stanford researchers Elanor

Maccoby and John Martin expanded on this by
adding a fourth and named it uninvolved which is
also called neglectful parenting.
As you read this chapter think about your own

style of parenting and the style of parenting you
grew up with. You may notice some crossover
between the styles, this is normal.
The purpose of this is to show you common

behavioral patterns that we all do and their
consequences. So that you will be empowered
with the knowledge to choose a style of parenting
that fits the goals that you have.
59
Sometimes we can act without fully

understanding the far-reaching consequences of
our behavior.
As you read through, if you find yourself wincing

at something that you have done, or are
consistently doing that is perhaps detrimental to
the goals you have for your children, see it as an
opportunity to take stock of where you are. See it
as a chance to make the necessary adjustments to
steer yourself back on a path that leads to victory!
Authoritarian Parenting
This is a style that exhibits high demands with low

responsiveness. The goal is to elicit order and
control. Wanting order in the home isn’t wrong. As
I have explained earlier, we need order and
control. Without it, we plummet into chaos which
hinders our survival. However, the way you go
about it matters.
Authoritarian parenting involves a strict hand.

Where the parent has extremely high
expectations of their children and provides very
little feedback, or nurturing.
The parent demands, threatens, punishes,

shames, yells, screams, and does whatever it
takes to elicit obedience.
60
When high expectations are not met, children in

this environment feel fear, confusion, and worry.
The authoritarian parent will not accept failure at
any cost. This brings me to my earlier point in
Chapter 1. Failure isn’t failure unless you stop
trying. Failure is never total failure, and we
shouldn’t fear it.
Authoritarian parents fear failure to such a degree

that they will put pressure on their children in
academic settings even if the subject is not their
strong suit, and usually provide little to no
support. It's their way or the highway...
Have you heard that phrase before? I have

because I was raised by two authoritarian parents
who used this line constantly.
Children raised in authoritarian homes can grow

up to have deep psychological and emotional
issues that can take years to overcome.
As a teacher, I’ve taught a lot of children raised by

authoritarian parents. I have witnessed smart and
considerate children grow up to be angry and
bitter. These children constantly fight with their
parents and can’t stand to be around them.
61
These children often become more anxious and

neurotic than their counterparts raised in other
styles. This can lead to depression and negative
life outcomes as adults.
The authoritarian parent experiences a deep level

of satisfaction from strict unwavering obedience
because they feel a high degree of psychological
pain from chaos. In their minds, obedient children
are the hallmark of good parenting which brings
honor to the family.
This thinking leaves out the fact that children are

little humans and eventually they will become big
humans. All humans hate strict authoritarian
control and will ALWAYS fight against it. It doesn’t
matter your race or ethnicity ALL humans
everywhere crave freedom. When authoritarian
rule governs them, they will always find a way to
rebel against it.
In the authoritarian home, resistance leads to

more punishment and harsher authoritarian rule.
The cycle is endless. The more the kids push back
the harder the parents push them. As teens, these
children can become a nightmare to parent for
many different reasons.
The boys can become hardheaded and bitter, and

the girls can become passive in their relationships.
62
These kids will turn to their peers and be willing to

listen to them more than their own parents.
Usually, the parents lose control, which can lead
to constant arguments.
Some authoritarian parents may succeed in

raising totally obedient children. Children who
never question authority and grow up to raise
their kids much like they were raised. But what
good does it do them?
In the West, we pride ourselves on limited

government where power is in the hands of the
people. We expect our kids to honor these ideals,
to uphold them, and even fight for them. Yet the
message that this style of parenting sends out is
that questioning authority leads to pain.
We need our kids to grow up and uphold our

shared ideals so we can remain free. We are free
because we have the right to question authority
and to negotiate.
This is why authoritarian parenting can damage a

child. We want our kids to have a voice and stand
up for what is right when they are older. However,
we crush their ideas, refuse negotiation, and their
questions when they are young.
How confusing!
63
This isn’t good for anyone especially when the kids

grow up and the authoritarian parents begin to
realize that their kids want little or nothing to do
with them. They may learn too late that their bond
with their kids is not what it should be.
Authoritarian parenting creates unnecessary pain.
Secrets, gossip, and lies become prevalent in

homes like this. As I mentioned earlier these are
protective mechanisms. If you feel under threat
you will lie to protect yourself. In the authoritarian
home there is a top-down approach where the
communication comes from the top but rarely
flows from the bottom up.
This means the children are not consulted in

matters that involve them. They do not have the
ability to negotiate with their parents or question
anything at any point.
I think it’s important to allow children to negotiate

with us and to question. This teaches them to
think for themselves. Critical thinking is lacking in
our society.
We have masses of people accepting what they

are told without question. We are becoming a
society where we allow others to do the thinking
for us just because they are in a position of power
and influence.
64
This behavior crushes freedom, independence

and autonomy. It takes away the right to choose
what is right for oneself.
For our society to progress and survive in the

future we need to have kids who are raised to
think for themselves and that starts in the home.
It starts by allowing them to negotiate, have a say,
and have a voice.
It does not mean that you let them roam wild. It

means you honor their voices and ideas even
when they are wrong. It means you guide them
back to the right path using communication and
respect. Not with a strict authoritarian rule
flanked by fear.
Here is an everyday example of the authoritarian

parenting style in action. For each style, I will give
you the same scenario so you can see the
differences.
Authoritarian Parenting Example:
Mom: “Alex it’s time for dinner.”

Alex (8 years old): (he says nothing he is playing
video games).
Mom: “Alex come to the dinner table NOW or I’ll
make you!”
Alex: “I’m finishing up on this game, I’m coming”.
65
Mom: Storms into his room, “I SAID NOW!” (Pulls

out tv chord, snatches his controller, grabs his
arm, and marches him to the dinner table).
Alex: Cries, screams, throws himself on the floor

to get away from her grip screaming “YOU RUINED
MY GAME!” Mom ends up dragging him down the
hallway and forces him to sit down.
Alex learns nothing that helps his personal

growth. He learns that if he breaks the rules pain
is involved. However, he does not fully
comprehend why his behavior was wrong. He
sees his Mom as someone who is unfair, unjust,
and pushy, or someone to be feared not
respected.
He believes that his Mom doesn’t care about the

things he likes or understands why video games
are important to him. As Alex grows, he learns to
become manipulative to get more of what he
wants. His behavior becomes attention-seeking
and destructive.
His behavior doesn’t improve and as he gets

older. Mom grabbing him results in him pushing
her back. Mom yelling at him results in a
screaming match between the two where all
civility and control is lost. Mom was trying to force
respect and wield her authority to elicit order
within the home. 66
Alex learns that he is powerless and that Mom is

the ultimate and final authority. As a result, he
feels that life happens to him not the other way
around and that he is not in control of what
happens to him.
Authoritarian Parenting Summary:
Style:
Unresponsive.
Strict rules.
High expectation with little support.
Expects obedience at any cost.
Punishment, threats, fear, intimidation to elicit
control.
Demands respect rather than cultivating it.
A top-down approach to communication.
Unpredictable and fickle.
Mindset of the parent:

Obedience is the hallmark of a successful
parent & brings honor.
Punishment creates orderly children.
Failure is to be feared/avoided at all costs.
Children will hate me now but thank me for it
later.
Fear of losing control.
Compares themselves to their peers.
rigorously (what will others think if they see
me children do this or that?).
67
Outcomes for the children:

Lower academic performance.
Low self-esteem.
Poor social skills.
Mental illness, high levels of neuroticism.
Inability to cope with life’s stresses.
Inability to be flexible in their thinking.
Critical thinking ability crippled.
Afraid to negotiate, speak up, take risks.
Anger and bitterness dwell deep within which
can lead to violent outbursts as an adult.
Tends to blame others for their behavior and

or / the negative consequences they face as
adults by playing the victim even when they
are in the wrong. Manipulative and cunning
behavior as a defense mechanism to escape
perceived psychological pain that comes as a
result of rule-breaking.
Feels rejection and bitterness towards others

easily and may lash out verbally or physically
as a defense and/or control mechanism to
protect their fragile ego. This can result in
negative life outcomes such as imprisonment
and impaired relationships in all aspects of
life.
These children may grow up to have toxic

relationships with their own kids who may
grow up to repeat the same patterns. 68
Authoritative Parenting
Like the Authoritarian parenting style,

Authoritative parents have high expectations of
their children. They value authority, order, and
control. However, the way they go about creating
order in the home is vastly different from the
authoritarian parent.
Authoritative parents put a lot of effort into

establishing a relationship with their children
where the communication flows from the top-
down and the bottom-up.
Open communication is encouraged in these

households. Authoritative parents explain the
rules to their kids to help them understand why a
particular action is allowed or not allowed.
The goal of the authoritative parent is to raise

independently thinking children who value and
respect themselves and others. The authoritative
parent guides and redirects when the child veers
off course.
The consequences for actions are well explained.

The authoritative parent makes sure their children
understand the boundaries, rules, and
consequences.
69
In these homes consequences for unruly actions

come as no surprise. Unlike the authoritarian
parent who will often chop and change the rules
without notice. The authoritative parent is
consistent and predictable.
Where the authoritarian parent is reactive, the

authoritative parent is proactive. This gives the
child a sense of comfort and direction. Remember
we talked about the rod which brings comfort in
Chapter 2? Wisdom and boundaries bring
comfort. The child understands where the lines
are drawn and why they are drawn. The child
understands that overstepping those lines leads
to negative consequences.
The authoritative parent never seeks to discipline

their children for the sake of revenge, or anger.
The authoritative parent understands that their
child is maturing and will be weak in character in
many ways. They understand that their
weaknesses are not set in stone, and do not
define them.
Instead of punishment, the authoritative parent

disciplines by disciplining their child with the goal
of guiding and redirecting them for the sake of
their ongoing learning and growth.
70
The consequences are clear, match the

infringement, and are short-lived. In this
household forgiveness is key. The authoritative
parent does not hold a grudge against their child
for bad behavior. They encourage past grievances
to be fully aired out with the goal of reconciliation,
healing, and growth.
Authoritative parents understand that their

children will at times reject their authority and will
test where the boundaries lay. However, they
understand that this is a normal part of the
maturing process kids go through.
As a result, the authoritative parent is firm,

consistent, open to negotiation, encourages open
communication, and provides opportunities and
support to their kids to mature and grow. The
children in this household describe their parents
as warm and nurturing, yet firm and unwavering
in their values and principles.
A common principle in authoritative households

is, “He who stands for nothing will fall for anything” –
Alexander Hamilton (aide to George Washington).
These parents encourage their children to think

for themselves, to develop their own ideas,
principles, values, and views about the world.
71
These parents disciple their children and guide

them into becoming the adults they were born to
be. Adults who can stand up for themselves in
ways that create a positive impact on those
around them.
Authoritative Parenting Example:

Alex: (he says nothing he is playing video games).
Mom: Walks into his room. “Alex your dinner is
going to go cold, everyone is waiting for you”.
Alex: “I’m finishing up on this game, I’m coming”.
Mom: I understand that you are in the middle of

something, but I told you 15 minutes ago that
dinner would be ready soon. We spoke about this
and you agreed not to start a new game. Please,
save, or pause your game now and join us in the
dining room. If you do not, as we discussed there
will be no more video games until after dinner
from now on.
Alex: “I said I’m coming I need to finish this!”

Mom: “Alex I am disappointed that you are breaking
the rules we have both agreed upon. From now on
there will be no more video games until after dinner”.
Mom walks away knowing she is not trying to win
a war. Alex is late to the table and eats a cold
dinner by himself.
72
The next day Mom makes good on her word and

Alex is no longer allowed to play video games until
after dinner. Even though Alex pouts, and is upset,
mom never wavers. She reminds Alex that this is a
rule he negotiated with her and the consequences
are a result of a choice he himself has made.
Alex learns (whether he realizes it at the time or

later as he gets older) that there are real-world
consequences of going against your word. He
learns that while his Mom is fair-minded, she will
not waiver from her word.
He learns that experiencing the negative

consequences for his behavior feels horrible, but
understands why it happened. He learns that he is
in control of his life and if he wants to play video
games before dinner his Mom is happy to let him
do so if the rules are followed.
Later, Alex seeks to re-negotiate this rule and

apologizes to Mom. Mom reinforces the rule that
when dinner is ready you must come to the table
because;
a) Your dinner will get cold.
b) We want to have dinner together as a family.
73
c) It’s a sign of respect to Mom to come to the

table and eat with everyone else and,
d) Mom respects you, understands you and your

wants, and needs, but you will not get everything
you want exactly when you want it.
Alex and Mom discuss this. They both agree that

Alex can play games before dinner. However,
Mom must warn Alex when dinner is almost
ready, so he does not start a new game. Alex
knows that he must listen to her and follow the
rules.
Mom encourages Alex to become more involved

in making dinner by giving him the responsibility
of setting the table. At the end of each week, as
Alex completes more chores, he is rewarded with
a little more screen time than usual.
From this example, Alex learns he is in control of

his behavior and the consequences that follow.
This instills confidence in Alex as he grows up

because he understands he has the ultimate
power over his life and what happens to him. He
learns that to get his needs met there must be
discussion and compromise.
74
Authoritative Parenting Summary:
Style:
Fair and open-minded.
Communication flows in all directions.
Warm, and nurturing, but firm.
Encourages critical thinking, and negotiation.
Are astute listeners, they make their children.
feel seen, heard, and understood.
High expectations with high responsiveness to
their children’s needs.
Consistent and true to their word.
Steers away from name-calling, blame, shame.
Disciplines instead of punish.
Disciples their children.
Flexible and adaptable but not unpredictable
or fickle.

To guide and redirect.
To understand then to be understood.
Order must be maintained but flexible on how
we get there.
Children will talk back and break the rules as
they are in the process of maturing. Therefore,
it is up to me to consistently model the
behavior I want to see.
Places the responsibility of the child’s behavior
in the hands of the child.
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Outcomes for the Children:

Greater confidence as adults.
Ability to negotiate within the workplace and

relationships.
Becomes firm, fair-minded but unwavering in

their values and principles.
Accepting of the differences in others without

allowing those differences to impact their own
development or personal ideals negatively.
More mature than their counterparts and

exhibits the hallmarks of a leader.
Has good social skills and experiences rich and

meaningful relationships.
Grows their emotional intelligence which sets

them up for success in all areas of life.
Tend to be more open-minded, positive, and

optimistic individuals.
Takes responsibility for their actions without

letting the negative consequences of their
actions impact their self-esteem and view of
themselves.
76
Permissive Parenting
Think of permissive parenting as the opposite of

authoritarian parenting. Permissive parents allow
their children to make up their own rules and do
what they want. They are often too preoccupied
with other things to take notice of their children’s
behavior. They make excuses for their child when
they are caught out. Their goal is to befriend their
child so they don’t do anything to upset them.
Permissive parents may have grown up with

authoritarian parents and have suffered the
negative consequences of having been raised that
way. Permissive parents believe by not placing
rules, or high expectations on their kids they are
allowing them to discover themselves. However,
as I have mentioned our brains crave order.
Because we crave order, we need guidelines. We

need to know where the boundaries are because
in adulthood there are boundaries. As adults, we
cannot do and say whatever we want to others
without reaping what we sow.
Permissive parents are responsive to their child’s

needs. This is a great trait to have that flanks the
authoritative style of parenting. However, without
structure, rules, or expectations the child can
become confused or overwhelmed.
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Children of permissive parents can also feel

unloved despite being told how wonderful,
special, or amazing they are. They can feel
unloved because they may witness their friends’
parents holding them to a standard and being
rewarded when they reach that standard.
A permissive parent doesn’t care about the grades

their child receives. They care more that they
participated. So, there is no incentive given to the
child to do well in school by the parent. In
addition, there is no real support given to the
child at home to do well in school. At first, this
may feel like freedom. The friends of these kids
may call them lucky, or say, "I wish my parents were
like that." They don’t have to do their homework,
can skip through it, or hand it in late.
An authoritative parent cares about the grades

their child receives. They guide, support and give
help to their child even when they struggle. This
parent recognizes that growth comes from
struggle and encourages their child to work
through frustration, not avoid it. Permissive
parents see their kids struggle and feel bad. So
they allow them to give up. The authoritative
parent incentivizes their child to do well in school,
for every A+ the child may receive a monetary
reward. However, in the permissive home, this
does not exist.
78
Therefore, a child in a permissive home may look

at an authoritative parent and feel that they care
more about their child than their permissive
parent does. Because they are involved in the
child’s education while the permissive parent isn’t.
I’ve witnessed this exact scenario play out

firsthand. A child in a permissive home may be
given a lot of love and reassurance. However,
without expectations and structure, it can seem to
the child that their parent does not care enough
about them to help them the way the
authoritative parent does.
This is because the reward mechanism within our

brains is strong and cannot be overridden by lots
of verbal reassurance. Our brains need to
struggle. They thrive on problem-solving and
reward that comes from achieving one’s goals. If
there is a reward, but no struggle this damages a
child’s juvenile brain development by going
against how it’s innately built and structured.
It's like when you do a workout. During the

workout it’s hard and it can feel endless and tiring,
but afterward, it gives you a sense of
accomplishment and pride. One cannot live on
reward alone. This teaches the child that they will
get what they want, when they want, without
having to work for it.
79
As you can imagine this can be determinantal to

their success as adults and may struggle in
structured work environments. The outcome of
these parenting styles has long-reaching
consequences. A child in a permissive home could
grow up to become an anxious adult who
struggles to commit or set appropriate
boundaries. They become overwhelmed and
angry wondering why rewards don’t come. They
don’t understand that it is their lack of
commitment and behavior that is leading to their
lack of success.
Likewise, the child could end up becoming entitled

and narcissistic. Thinking that they ought to be
rewarded no matter what. They may come to
believe that people owe them love, respect, or
money for doing nothing more than existing.
Does any of this ring a bell? I am sure you have

met adults who seem to demand respect but
rarely give it. Who demand loyalty without being
loyal. Who feel entitled to step over your
boundaries, yet seem to have very little of their
own.
You may have met adults who struggle with

routine and structure. Who struggle with
authority. These are some of the far-reaching
consequences of permissive parenting.
80
Permissive Parenting Example:

Mom: “Alex, are you coming – dinner!”
Alex: “I’m in the middle of a game, I’ll eat it when I’m
done”.
Mom: “ok darling, it’s here when you want it”.
Permissive Parenting Summary:
Style:
Nurturing and loving.
Consult with their children about their
opinions and ideas.
Value freedom at any cost.
Avoids placing expectations and responsibility
upon their child.
Inconsistent with boundaries and rule setting.
They give into demands for toys, food etc.
Their goal is to befriend their child.
The child is left to themselves to regulate their
own behavior without the tools to do so, with
no real consequences for inappropriate
behavior.

I want my child to feel free and loved at all
times.
Afraid of upsetting their child.
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Struggles to handle conflict may have poor

conflict resolution skills in general.
Is often heard saying “Not my child”, “My child
would never do that!”
Makes excuses for their child.
Communication is valued but personal
accountability and responsibility is not.

Low academic achievement.
Struggles to make good decisions.
Struggles to solve emotional issues.
Are emotionally unbalanced. They act based
on feelings without logical understanding of
real-world consequences, but justify
themselves by saying, "I can’t help it."
They may be more prone to drug use, in order
to elicit the feeling of freedom without
structure or routine.
They can be aggressive when they don’t get
their way.
Poor timekeeping skills.
Uninvolved Parenting
Uninvolved parenting has many similarities to

permissive parenting. A permissive parent will
communicate well with their child, but fail to set
rules and expectations, or hold them accountable
for their actions.
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An uninvolved parent will also let their kids do

what they want without setting proper rules or
boundaries. Unlike permissive parenting,
communication is almost nonexistent.
Uninvolved parents aren’t interested in having

discussions with their kids. Children are to be
seen and not heard. So long as they are leaving
the parents alone to do ”important adult stuff”,
uninvolved parents don’t mind, or know what
their kids are really getting up to.
Uninvolved parents are not nurturers. They may

provide tools like the internet, toys, games, and
vacations, but that’s as far as it goes. The child is
left to themselves to sort out their own feelings
and problems. An uninvolved father may not tell
his children that he loves them, or that he is
proud of them…ever.
In his mind, his duty is to provide shelter, food,

and financial security, nothing more. An
uninvolved parent will often have little or no
expectations of their children. In this way, the
child becomes invisible to the parent. The
uninvolved parent is often busy doing other
things. The child soon learns that their parent
cannot be relied upon when needed. This can lead
to bitterness.
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Uninvolved parents might be those who are

overwhelmed with parenting. They become so
overwhelmed that they go into a “frozen state”
where they end up doing nothing. They may be
parents who have highly pressurized careers.
They may work long hours and only see their kids
for a few hours in the evening.
On the weekends there is very little family time.

Kids are often encouraged to do their own thing
or fend for themselves.
In the uninvolved home, kids raise themselves.

Their core needs are not met. Sometimes drug-
dependent parents or parents with acute mental
illnesses can become uninvolved parents. As a
result, they lack warmth and fail to meet their
kid's emotional needs.
Uninvolved Parenting Example:
Mom: “Alex I’m too busy to make dinner tonight just

get yourself something when you are hungry.”
Mom: Continues with whatever she was busy with
Alex: (forgetting about dinner until 10pm): “I’m
hungry I guess I’ll just eat cereal for dinner”.
Mom: “ok I’m off to bed I have a meeting first thing,
goodnight have a good day at school tomorrow”.
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Alex eats his cereal, goes off to bed, gets himself

up, gets himself to school. He has his own key and
entertains himself until his mother comes home
late in the evening as usual.
Uninvolved Parenting Summary:
Style:
Children raise themselves with little support.
Unaware of their children’s inner lives.
Little or no expectations.
Limited time with their kids.
Kids are left to their own devices.
Demonstrate a lack of emotional intelligence,
warmth or nurturing behaviors.
Is unaware of their child’s academic.
performance, achievements or anything that
the child is interested in.
Dismissive of their child’s emotional needs.

Neurotic and anxious.
Wild and dismissive of all authority.
Emotionally withdrawn and unstable.
Self-reliant to a fault.
May veer towards juvenile delinquency.
Poor academic performance.
Strained relationships.
Inappropriate behaviors in social situations.
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On a sheet of paper write down your answers to
these questions.
What style of parent are you most of the time?

What parenting style were you raised in?
Do you see the far-reaching outcomes for
each style?
What is the outcome you want for your
child(ren)?
What behaviors do you need to let go of, or
adopt to reach those outcomes?
Authoritarian parenting can lead children to

become obedient, neurotic, and passive at the
cost of their own mental and physical wellbeing.
They can lack the ability to voice their own
opinions effectively and lack critical thinking skills.
They are less socially competent than their

counterparts, which can lead to being walked over
and may lead them to feel like they are constantly
being victimized by others.
Children raised in these households often suffer

from low self-esteem and will value the opinions
of others over their own.
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Authoritative parenting can lead children to

become socially and emotionally intelligent. They
are flexible and deal with change and everyday
stressors better than those who grew up in
authoritarian homes. They tend to experience
greater levels of success and happiness. They feel
capable, confident and this permeates every
aspect of their lives.
Permissive parenting can lead children to

become wild. They grow up lacking self-regulation
and can exhibit entitled behaviors that are
detrimental to success in life. They often have low
self-esteem and are generally unhappy because
the natural struggle/reward mechanism was
overridden in childhood.
They are thrill-seekers and reward seekers at any

cost. They can grow up to become highly
manipulative liars who will do anything they feel
like just because they feel like it.
They tend to have short-lived careers and

relationships. They understand how their
behavior affects others, but they don’t care
because their happiness comes first. Their needs
come before everyone and everything even at the
expense of their relationships.
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Uninvolved parenting can lead children to

become neurotic, suspicious, and untrusting of
people in general. They are self-reliant to a fault.
They tend to lack self-control which causes others
to not trust them, which only reaffirms their
suspicions about others.
They lack understanding of how their behavior

affects others and can feel like a constant victim.
They are less competent than their peers and can
also suffer from low self-esteem. This may lead to
defensive protective measures such as
manipulation in order to protect their fragile ego.
I advocate for authoritative parenting. The

outcomes for children raised in these homes are
amazing. Yes, there are other influences such as
friends and peers on the internet that can have a
big influence on behavioral outcomes in children.
However, I have seen from experience that when

a child is raised in a strong, loving, structured
home they grow up to be more emotionally
intelligent and confident than their peers. It
doesn’t mean that children raised in permissive
homes can’t become well organized and
structured, or that children raised in authoritarian
homes can’t learn to think critically for
themselves. They can, but they have to fight their
upbringing to do it.
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A poor upbringing and bad habit-forming can take

decades to unravel. No matter how old your child
is right now, or how you have raised them up until
now the good news is that you can choose
differently.
Our brains are like supercomputers that we

program daily with our thoughts, belief’s, ideas,
and well-worn habits. We choose the outcome.
This means we become what we practice.
However, change can be difficult, because the
brain will always take the path of least resistance.
Despite this, you are in control. Not your biology.

It means you have the power to choose. You can
choose a different path and affect the outcome. If
your default is permissive parenting, you can
choose differently. The real power behind this
chapter’s message is that the power is in your
hands. You are not the victims of your kid’s bad
behavior, nor your own.
You have the power to lead, guide, and strengthen

your family from within. You can start today by
putting what you have learned here into practice.
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“You have the power to
choose and experience
your desired outcomes –
So choose wisely.”
abel la
Ar e
Hill
Chapter 3
Obedience & Conformity
We know that disobedience brings chaos to the

household and obedience helps to maintain order.
We need order in the home for the healthy
development of our kids and our own sanity.
There are multiple methods to bring about order,
but all of these methods fall under two main
categories.
Obedience and Conformity.
The definition of obedience is a grey area because

it can mean several things depending on the
application. In this chapter, I am going to give you
two examples of Obedience and Conformity in
action. For the purpose of this demonstration, I
use the word Strict Obedience.
Obedience can mean compliance with a directive

or order. If I ask my child to take off his coat at the
door, he is obeying my direction.
Strict obedience means compliance to a directive

or order that must be adhered to exactly as
directed. If I say to my son, take your coat off at
the door right now and hang it on the second
hook and he does so because he knows there are
negative consequences for disobedience, he is
obeying my specific strict directive.
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To obey means to submit to the authority of

someone. We all do this in our daily lives. We
submit to the authority of our governments,
leaders, employers, and police. In this manner
obeying can also mean to conform.
Let’s think a bit deeper about obedience. Why do

we obey? Do we obey the road rules because we
feel that we have no other choice? Or do we obey
the road rules because we are internally driven to
do it?
It depends on the person, but I bet most people

obey the laws of the lands they are governed by
because they are internally motivated to do it.
They understand that these laws are there to
protect them and the people around them. In this
manner they are internally motivated to adhere to
them. They aren’t doing it because they feel forced
to do it against their will.
Often delinquents aren’t internally motivated to

adhere to laws, so they break them. They may feel
that they are being forced to follow the laws
against their will, without seeing the benefits for
them internally. This leads them to justifying their
law-breaking behavior because the internal pay off
in their mind outweighs the external reality if they
are caught.
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This thinking is maladaptive. They don’t see how

following the laws will or can benefit them. If they
have an issue with authority they will revolt
against the laws regardless of the consequences
simply because an authoritative figure asked them
to do it.
Sometimes our kids can revolt against our

directives because we represent an authority
figure in their lives. I can remember times where I
asked my son to do something, and he refused.
Yet when a friend walked in the house and asked
him the same thing he complied. I bet that you
have faced the same situation at times. Perhaps
your child is more likely to listen to Dad than
Mom, or it could be the other way around.
This doesn’t mean our kids necessarily have issues

with authority or us personally. It means they have
become accustomed to us, our ways, our body
language, our behavior and are seeking to push
the boundaries to see where the lines lay.
In the age-specific chapters, I go more into this

and demonstrate to you why kids at times seek to
push us to our utter limits.
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Conformity is a concept that brings about

obedience but in a more holistic and relational
way. It can be easy to mix the two. As you’ll read, I
separate them to show you both sides. Then you
will see the paths that you could take. I then
explain why I think one is better than the other.
Generally, obedience involves an order and

conformity involves a request. You could demand
that your child follows your direction, or you could
ask them. The differences are slight but the effects
in the long-term are great.
There are times where we need to demand action

be taken right away such as,
“Grab your sister before she runs off”, or “Sit still

while having a haircut or the scissors might slip”.
There are times where we need to demand that

our kids take immediate action and strictly obey
us when it protects them from harm. Let’s break
down the concepts of strict obedience and
conformity.
Strict Obedience comes from submitting to

someone with higher status who directs you to
take some form of action while expecting you to
do it exactly as they have ordered.
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Conformity is going along with something others

are doing because it feels right and natural to do
so.
Before I demonstrate to you the differences

between the two, we need to talk about laws and
rules.
Laws are a set of strict guidelines that must be

followed. The consequences of disobeying laws
are heavy and can last a long time. Laws are
designed to protect human rights, property, and
to keep people safe. Laws are usually non-
negotiable and strict obedience is expected.
If I speed down the highway and get caught, I’ve

broken the law and can expect the weight of the
law to come against me for doing so. The
communication flows from the top down.
Rules are a set of instructions to help people work

together in harmony. They are more flexible and
open to negotiation. The consequences for
breaking rules are lighter and short-lived. The
communication flows from the top-down and
from the bottom up.
I want you to think about the rules you’ve set for

your child in the home. Using the examples above
how have you been presenting these rules?
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Has it been with the goal of strict obedience, or

conformity?
Remember strict obedience is more of a demand

while conformity involves a request. Obedience
lays down the law. While conformity establishes
rules. It teaches and holds your hand while you
learn to commit to this new behavior. It’s more
flexible and allows for mistakes.
Again, think about the rules you’ve set in the

home. Do you demand or ask? Do you lay down
the law or establish rules?
I have two examples for you so that you can

understand these two concepts better.
Please note these are made-up examples and not

anecdotes from my life. I am giving you both sides
so you can see the pros and cons of each.
Obedience isn’t an either/or issue there are

shades of grey. You can elicit obedience without
punishment, and I demonstrate this later on.
Strict Obedience: Let’s say that I want my child to

remove his shoes before entering the house. I lay
down the law along with punishment if it is not
followed.
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My goal is strict obedience; therefore, I am not

asking I am telling. If it isn’t followed, I must devise
a way to establish my authority to get my child to
comply with the order. Obedience is usually time
sensitive. I want him to commit to this behavior
from now on.
So, the easiest way is to make sure there are

consequences for non-compliance. Remember the
consequences for disobeying strict directives can
be harsh.
Because my goal is obedience I might choose a

method that inflicts pain either social, emotional,
or physical. You might say, wait I’d never inflict
pain upon my child. Let me ask you this. Have you
ever yelled at your child? If you’ve answered yes,
then you’ve inflicted pain upon them.
Yelling comes from a place of frustration.

Frustration is temporal psychological pain with our
minds that needs to escape to establish order.
When we yell, we are transferring our
psychological pain to the person we are yelling at.
We often do not realize it, but yelling is a form of
punishment.
Think of a time when you were yelled at. How did

it make you feel in your body? Often, we can feel
an off-sensation.
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We can feel off-balance, we may get a slight

ringing in our ears, our hearts race, our muscles
tense, and our brains scramble to make sense of
it. Being yelled at is painful and it’s a punishment.
When we yell, we want the other person to know

how their behavior is making us feel. We do this by
transferring the psychological pain from us to
them. We want to stop them in their tracks and
gain their full attention, so we yell.
Parents who have the goal of strict obedience will

often resort to consequences that inflict some
kind of pain whether they realize it or not. They
may choose to yell, ignore, gaslight, smack, slam
doors, or name call.
If my goal is strict obedience, I know that the

human brain wants to avoid pain at any cost. If my
son wants to avoid pain, by inflicting it when he is
non-compliant, he will learn to become compliant
to avoid that pain.
This pain does not have to involve smacking it can

be shaming them, comparing them to others, or
preventing them from seeing their friends. In any
case, the consequences for non-compliance to
strict directives are harsh and can be sometimes
long in duration.
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Pros: In this manner, my rules are followed, and

my son knows that disobedience equals pain.
Cons: Unfortunately, the consequence I hand

down today may not work in a few weeks’ time.
This may result in me having to use harsher
punishments down the road as my child will
become accustomed to it and more than likely find
ways to get around it and out of it.
Say the consequence I chose is not seeing his

friends. When the sting of the psychological pain
ends so does the motivation to keep to the new
behavior. Strict obedience in this manner is
external. The idea around strict obedience is that
external measures will create long-lasting
behavioral change.
However, if that were true our jails would be

empty. As you will read this is not the best way to
help your children follow your directions.
Conformity: If my goal is conformity, I would play

the long game. I know that long-lasting behavioral
change does not happen instantly. It occurs over
time and to elicit compliance it must come
naturally from within. Some kids have a natural
tendency to revolt against authority. Where strict
obedience pushes, conformity guides. Where strict
obedience demands, conformity leads.
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Using the same scenario where I want my son to

take his shoes off at the front door. I set aside
some time to help him adjust to the new rule. I
take him over to the door and explain my request
to him.
I ask him if he likes living in a clean home without

dirt on the carpet. We both agree upon a standard
of cleanliness together. We also discuss how we
will go about maintaining the standard we both
agreed upon.
I let him know that for this standard to be

maintained it’s going to take a team effort and that
he is an important member of the team, that the
team would be nothing without him.
I help him visualize a situation where the house is

a total mess. I ask him, how does it feel? How does
it smell? Not nice, is it? I ask. In this way, he
understands why I am asking him to take off his
shoes at the front door. He also understands the
benefits to him personally and collectively to the
team (family).
Now that he is armed with new knowledge. I help

him take immediate action. He practices going in
and out of the door taking his shoes off every
single time he enters the house.
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We make it a fun game and we laugh about it. He

repeats this several times (at least 3-4) and I end
the game by asking him,
“What do you do when you come inside... you...?”

He replies, “I take my shoes off”.
I say, “Why are you doing this?”
He replies, “To maintain the house rule of being
clean”.
Now I know that he’s heard and understood me

and knows exactly what I want and why. He is now
internally motivated to commit to this action in the
future.
I affirm his newfound knowledge and allow him to

go off and play. Now his brain has begun to see
patterns in his repeated behavior. His brain has
started to create baby neuropathways that will
eventually become permanent memories.
In the future as he practices this behavior (with my

encouragement) his brain recalls these memories,
and he commits to this new behavior without
thinking because it’s now a habit. This normally
takes 21 days to achieve. During this time I may
have to repeat myself and remind him of the
standard, but eventually, he comes home and
says, “I know mom, take my shoes off”.
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Now I know most of the time he will do this

instinctively. He has conformed, not because I
demanded, or he is afraid of pain. He has
conformed because as a team member he’s
internally motivated and has created a habit
around the action.
Demands are easily forgotten, so is pain, but

habits…habits are hard to break!
Do you see the differences between strict

obedience and conformity? With conformity,
there’s no need to punish my child. Instead, I
guide and correct him and lead the way.
If he does not comply there are still consequences,

but they are short-lived and related to the
infraction. Remember the standard of cleanliness
he agreed to? If he refuses to take his shoes off he
is breaking the standard he agreed to. Therefore,
an appropriate consequence would be to clean
the carpet he soiled. No shouting, yelling, or
nagging is needed.
Remember when I said yelling is pain and it’s a

punishment? So is nagging. Nagging comes from a
place of either powerlessness or the inability to
see another option.
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Sometimes we nag because we just don’t know

how else to get our kids to listen. This book will
give you more options. That’s one of my main
goals with this resource. To lay it all out on the
table so you can see all of the options available to
you. So that when you chose, you do so with
knowledge understanding and confidence. That is
when you become your own version of Victorious!
Using conformity I programmed the behavior in

the supercomputer that is his brain with love,
respect, and authority. If he tries to argue or
refuses to comply with my request, he will reap
the consequences. If he shows disrespectful
behavior, he reaps the consequence of that also.
The consequences are appropriate to the situation
and are short-lived.
Even in this scenario, I would not resort to yelling

because I am the model that I wish him to
conform to. I model the behavior I want to see and
stick to it no matter what. If I resorted to yelling or
giving up, the message I would be sending is that
my word doesn’t mean a whole lot. This could lead
me slipping back into old behaviors and we would
be right back where we started.
It can be difficult not to yell, nag, or get angry.

Nobody is perfect I’m sure not.
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Even with this knowledge, there have been times

(albeit rare) where I’ve lost my cool and resorted
to yelling.
In those times I catch myself out, bite my tongue

sometimes literally, take a deep breath, walk
outside, or into another room. When I come back,
I apologize and start again.
In the "what to do you when you lose it", chapter I

will give you more strategies to manage your own
frustration. It is as much about training yourself as
it is your kids.
I hope by now you can see the differences

between the goals of strict obedience and
conformity. The wonderful thing is that conformity
breeds obedience anyway, but it’s a different kind
of obedience.
He puts his shoes away – obedient to the rule not

because I am the authority, but because he’s
internally motivated. He became internally
motivated when I shifted my goal from strict
obedience to conformity and he became obedient
anyway. No more energy-wasting arguments and
our bond is stronger.
It’s like the age-old saying “if you run after money, it
will run away from you”.
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Yes, you want obedience, but making that your

goal changes your language, tone, and your
actions. Essentially your child pushes back and
turns away from what you want.
However, conformity is relational. It changes your

thinking from I want this now, to, "I’m ok if this
takes you time to learn." "I’m going to use this lesson
as a way to build my relationship with you." Your
child wants you more than anything and will
cherish the time you spend with them, especially if
you make it fun.
If you pursue something too hard it will run from

you. Ever dated someone who was a little too
desperate? It’s off-putting, even when sincere.
What you want will run from you because you
become like a black hole inside needing, yearning,
wanting, desiring, and taking whatever it is at any
cost. Staying in this mindset says, "I want, I need,
give to me, serve me."
The example of conformity I gave you is servant-

leadership. It a mindset that says, "I will give, I will
lead, I will guide, I will love, I give to you and I will
correct your walk when you fall off the path."
Givers win – Takers lose. If you want your child to

do what you ask don’t be a taker, be a giver.
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On a sheet of paper write down something you
would like your child to do on a regular basis. It
might be putting the dishes in the sink, or making
their bed. It can be anything.
Write it down and then refer to the conformity

example. Brainstorm some ways that you might
adapt your language and behavior to help your
child conform. Please note, their conformity will
take time. If they have been defiant about it and
you’ve been at war with them it may take longer
than 21 days. Stick to it and you will see a positive
difference.
Back away and the message you send is that your

word doesn’t hold much weight. If you slip back
into yelling, give yourself time. This is about
changing your behavior as it is your child’s. So
please don’t be too hard on yourself, give yourself
some grace to adjust.
The next exercise is about setting standards in the

home. In the example above you saw me set a
standard of cleanliness in the home with my child.
These standards are called social norms.
105
Social norms are ungoverned laws that are

created from our shared values. For example, a
social norm that is prevalent throughout the
Western world is dress. We expect people
shopping at the mall to dress appropriately, don’t
we?
Now imagine someone walks into Harrods, or

Channel wearing a bikini! The stores have their
own standards, but generally, the reason why we
don’t do this is because of social norms. It’s
socially unacceptable to walk into a mall or
department store wearing a bikini, but not
necessarily illegal. Conformity is about adhering to
the societal norms set by society. Obedience is
about adhering to the laws set by an established
authority.
You are the authority in your home and your

family dynamic has a set of social norms you abide
by that perhaps might be unique to your family
situation. For example, many upper-class families
in the UK will wake up and get dressed before
breakfast.
Other families will come downstairs in their

nightgowns and pj’s to eat breakfast then get
dressed afterward. One is not better than the
other. It's dependent on you and the norms you
set in your home.
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These concepts are important to think about when

establishing rules in your home. What rules have
you set that are absolute in your home? What
social norms do you have that are more flexible
and can change with time and knowledge?
It is important to write these down and

understand them because sometimes parents can
get into war-like situations with their children over
rules that aren’t really rules.
They end up arguing over things that could be let

go and expending all their energy nagging their
kids daily over things that don’t really matter, then
punishing them when they should be disciplining
them via conformity instead.
Here is a simple exercise. Write down your

established family rules.
What are they?

Why have you set them?
What are the outcomes you would like to come
from adhering to these rules?
How would you like your kids to go about
adhering to these rules?
Are you willing to be flexible on them or are
they set in stone?
107
What are some social norms you have in your

family? Write them down it might be something
like removing your shoes before coming inside or
taking your hat off at the dinner table. Is this a
hard rule or law? Or something you would prefer
them to do where if they forget now and then you
are willing to let it go.
By doing this exercise you might discover that

some of the prevalent arguments or frustrations
you have had with your kids have been over things
that are more like social norms. These are things
you’d prefer them to do but knowing kids they will
forget or mess up from time to time.
You only have some much mental and physical

energy in the day. If you are spending a great deal
of the time you have with your kids getting upset
over smaller things then you are robbing yourself
of the opportunity to bond with them, guide them
and redirect them.
Here are some examples of rules vs social norms.

This will be different for everyone but here are
some of mine that I have for my son.
Rule: Do not let the cat out. This is a HARD rule

that must be followed because the cat is prone to
running into the bushland next to our house
where there are snakes that can harm her.
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If he accidentally lets her out the consequence is

that he will go into the bush to find her.
Social Norm: Shower before bed. This is

something that can be flexible. If he’s sick or has
spent the day inside he probably doesn’t need a
shower. He might choose to have it in the morning
instead. It’s not something that’s a big deal. Now if
he didn’t shower for days that’s another story.
However, the social norm in our home is that
before you go to bed you need to have a shower.
It’s just nicer to slip into bed clean and fresh.
Flexible Rule: Another rule I have in my home is

to remove your shoes at the front door. However,
I am more flexible with this rule than I am about
the cat being let out. I have a light-colored carpet
and it’s a pain to keep clean. Sometimes my son
forgets which means at times I still have to remind
him of what I would like him to do. However,
because he is old enough, I get him to vacuum up
any dirt he left behind. In this way, the
consequence is natural and short-lived.
We never argue over this because I understand

that sometimes he’s going to forget. I don’t get
upset if I see dirt on the carpet. It can be cleaned
up easily. However, a fractured relationship with
my child cannot be repaired so easily.
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This is why it’s important to have a good think

about the rules in your household and what you
are willing to be more flexible on. Doing this will
save you a lot of frustration, time, and wasted
energy.
We only change in the long term when it comes

from within us. All humans conform to things we
deem are good for us. If you want outward
behavioral change that lasts you must begin on
the inside.
Ever watched the movie inception? Where they

attempt to change the behavior of others by
implanting thoughts into their mind that appear to
be their own ideas. Now I love that movie, but I am
not talking about something as sinister as that.
However, this movie highlights one important

truth. We are more likely to change our behavior
when it comes from within. When we think it’s our
own idea, and when we agree upon it that is when
we change.
Conformity requires speaking with your kids about

the rules you've set. It requires them to be able to
negotiate the terms with you. This way, following
the rules is not something Mom or Dad imposed,
it is something they agreed to and will conform to.
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This is how you establish a more peaceful

household. This is how you parent via the
authoritative way versus the authoritarian way.
This concept of parenting is not about being soft

and there are times where you will need your child
to follow what you say exactly in a time-sensitive
manner.
Just because you aren’t yelling or slamming your

fist down on the table doesn’t mean you become a
yes person or ignore bad behavior.
It means that you approach parenting from a

scientific and developmental point of view without
having to spend the better part of a decade like I
did learning it all.
It’s about deeply understanding your kids from a

place of empathy, compassion, and knowledge. So
that your bond will be stronger than ever.
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Conformity is a relational
way of helping your
children to comply with
the rules you've set.
abel la
Ar e
Hill
Chapter 4
What To Do When
You Lose It
Sometimes we can look at our kids and find

ourselves asking,
"Why are they shy?"

"Why can’t they make friends like other kids?"
"Why are they so insecure?"
Unfortunately, sometimes the problem is us.

Sometimes our behavior unwittingly impacts our
children, because we don’t always see ourselves
the way they see us.
Picture this scenario; you’re at home with your

child in the same room. You’re waiting on the
phone with a call center worker. You’ve been
waiting for at least 20 minutes. With each passing
moment, you can feel your frustration increase.
After 30 long minutes, they finally answer. By this

time your frustration is at boiling point, so you
transfer that frustration to the service worker on
the other end. You let out all of your frustration.
Afterward, you walk into the bathroom to see your
significant other’s dirty clothes lying on the floor.
This is a reoccurring pattern of his. Because your

temper is already fired up, you let him have it as
well.
112
A few hours later you receive a package in the

mail. It’s something you had ordered a few weeks
back. You take it out of the package and realize it’s
not exactly as you expected. Without hesitation,
you contact the company and let all of your
frustration out on them as well.
The entire time your child was in the house with

you. Listening to it all. Observing your behavior.
Witnessing how you manage frustration. Learning
how to manage frustration by using you as the
model.
We all have bad days. We all have those times

where bad days turn into bad weeks, and then bad
months. It happens. Navigating the ups and
downs of life can be difficult and sometimes these
small stressors can send us over the edge.
However, we may not be aware that the way we

manage our stress is maladaptive. We can become
used to dealing with stress in a volatile way.
The transference of frustration and anger gives

our brains temporary relief. Our brains are
designed to help us. When we repeat actions, they
become automatic. Our repeated patterns
become a part of us. Therefore, we can end up
managing stress in toxic ways without realizing it.
113
In the above scenario. Your anger is not directed

at your child. The situations have nothing to do
with your child. However, your child observes it.
Your child notices the atmosphere shift in the
home, and in your mood. How do you think your
child feels at that moment?
Let’s do a mental exercise. For a moment really

picture the above scenario whether you can relate
to it or not. Let’s say, you get upset on a regular
basis. So, the way you deal with stress is to yell,
pull someone down, act in a rude manner towards
others, call names, go silent, or stomp around the
house waiting for others in the house to ask you
what is wrong.
Picture it. Feel the frustration. You’re angry and

tired.
How do your muscles feel?

What expressions do you display on your face?
Are you relaxed?
Have the worry lines started to appear?
How is your posture?
Are you standing up straight relaxed, or
slightly hunched forward?
Are your hands clenched in a fist?
How does your entire body feel?
Is your heart beating faster, or at a regular
rate?
114
Now that you’ve pictured the scenario from your

own internal perspective. Let’s imagine it from
your child’s perspective. Put yourself in their
shoes. Close your eyes and really picture the
scene as if you are the child.
You’re five years old and you’ve been drawing

pictures in the living room. Suddenly your mother
starts yelling and says, “I CAN’T STAND THIS
ANYMORE YOUR COMPANY IS USELESS!” Your mother
is yelling down the phone at someone. Suddenly
she realizes you can hear her. She gets up and
looks at you, then slams the door so you don’t
hear her.
However, you can still hear her. You have no idea

what’s going on. All you know is that your mother
is seriously upset.
You knock on the door and say, “Mommy are you

ok?” But your mother doesn’t hear you, she’s in a
rage and yells out “I’M ON THE PHONE LEAVE ME
ALONE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD CAN I JUST HAVE A
MOMENT OF PEACE?”.
This alarms you; your heart starts to race. You’re

not sure what to do. Clearly, your mother is in
distress, but you’re confused as to why. So, you sit
outside her bedroom and wait.
115
Ten minutes later she’s finished with the call and

opens the door. She says, “Why are you sitting
outside my room like that? Go back to the living
room, I’ll bring you a snack”.
You go back to the living room and continue

drawing. She’s now in the kitchen fighting with
Dad. He left his socks on the bathroom floor again.
You hear her say, “I’M SICK OF THIS, YOU ARE
ALWAYS DOING THIS WHY ARE YOU SO LAZY?”.
Dad yells back at her and storms out of the

kitchen slamming the door on the way. Mom
makes herself a coffee and takes some time to
calm down. The call center assistant calls back and
the problem is solved. She feels more relieved
now, and you watch the change in her mood. This
is not the first time, mom has behaved in this way,
but each time she does it worries you. It’s not
directed at you, but you feel it anyway.
As a five year old child how do you feel?
Do you feel safe?

Do you feel stable?
Do you feel happy?
The answer is probably going to be no. Often a

child in this scenario feels confused more than
anything. They are unsure of how to handle the
situation. 116
They are unsure if your mood is their fault, and

they don’t know what they need to do to fix it.
What this repeated pattern of behavior does is
cause your child psychological damage. It doesn’t
matter the scenario or the age of your child you
are the model they follow.
Even though they are aware that your aggression

is not directed at them. Subconsciously, they fear
that one day it will. On one hand, you teach them
to behave themselves and to deal with their own
frustrations in a calm manner. However, they
witness the complete opposite from you.
From this exercise, I hope you can see the two

differences here. Sometimes we can justify our
rage. After all, there are people out there just
waiting to scam us right...? Waiting in the darkness
to get at us? Waiting for just the right moment to
take advantage of us? Your husband in this
scenario I am sure left his socks on the floor
deliberately just to spite you…right?
I am sure the online store is trying to scam you

and force you to make more purchases against
your will? I am sure the call center representative
who made a mistake did it on purpose just to ruin
your day?
117
Let’s think about everyday frustrations. Like

someone cutting you up on the highway. Sure,
they might have done it deliberately, or they might
have just made an honest mistake. The same
mistake we all make occasionally when driving.
How about the person who got your name wrong

at Starbucks, or misheard your order at
McDonald's and gave you a hamburger instead of
a cheeseburger? I am sure they all went out of
their way to get at you, didn’t they? Just so they
could enrage you and send you over the edge?
I’m sure your answer to these questions is a hard

no. I doubt the clerk who short-changed you a few
cents, or dollars saw you coming and thought
"Hmmm, yes that’s her! I’m going to rip off this one
today!"
I doubt your husband woke up that morning and

thought to himself, "Hmm how can I make her so
mad that she’ll refuse to cuddle with me for a week?"
Sometimes when we are angry it can feel like

we’re the only ones that feel like this. Sometimes
when things go wrong it can feel personal like the
McDonalds worker shortchanged you on purpose.
However, it's often not the case. Most of the time
people are concerned with themselves and not
you. They aren’t trying to hurt you, scam you, or
send you into rage-ville. 118
They are faulty human beings that make mistakes

from time to time. They get stressed too, they
forget, they say and do things they regret just like
you.
It’s important to see it from this perspective, so

when we feel anger and those lies creep into our
minds that say, “He did this on purpose”, we can
come against it, correct it and manage the stress
in a healthy way without transferring our
psychological pain onto others.
If you fly off the handle at small things like an

email, a customer service clerk's mistake, or your
husband forgetting to pick his socks up off the
floor you are teaching your child to be afraid of
you. You are demonstrating to your child that it
doesn’t take much for your temper to fly, and it
could be almost anything that triggers it. You are
teaching them to hide their problems from you.
Children don’t open up to parents that are
unpredictable in their behavior, because it feels
unsafe.
Imagine you’re the child. Your confused, your own

stress levels have risen, but you don’t know how to
manage them. The only model you have is that of
your parents. As you grow you manage your stress
the way they do, shouting, screaming, yelling…
119
There are things you would like to share with your

parents. But it seems that small things can set
them off. So, you keep them to yourself to ensure
that their anger isn’t directed at you.
The scenarios above are similar to experiences

that I had growing up as a child. They are
scenarios I have personally witnessed in public as
a patron in restaurants and cafés. Stress happens
to us all, but it’s how you deal with it that matters.
You might have put a roof over your kid’s heads,

food in their bellies, clothes on their backs. Heck,
you might even send them to private school and
lavish gifts on them at Christmas.
However, if you regularly fly off the handle at

small things that can be resolved calmly without
all the emotional upset then it doesn’t matter how
much you give your kids. You are teaching them
not to trust you with their feelings.
From a child’s perspective, "If mommy flies off the

handle at an email, then mummy won’t want to hear
what happened to me at school today."
"I don’t want to make her angry."
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That is what is going on inside their heads. I grew

up in a home exactly like that. Even worse because
the anger was violently directed at me and my
siblings. What do you think my relationship is like
with my mother now at 40 years old?
I can tell you that it’s non-existent. Because it’s

very hard to have a relationship with someone you
can’t trust. Relationships are built on trust. To
have a healthy relationship you must feel free to
express yourself without shame, guilt, blame, or
violence. Your child needs to be able to trust you
in order to come to you when it matters most.
This is the long-term damage this behavior can

cause to your entire family. When striving to help
your kids with their behavioral problems, you
need to check yourself also. It’s easy to blame
other kids, the school, siblings, your partner, or
society. However, we need to look at ourselves
first. Leaders take responsibility. They don't
blame, shame or pass the buck onto others.
Let’s do another exercise. Think of the last time

you became angry in front of your child.
How did you feel?

How did you look?
What did you say?
121
Now imagine the same scenario from your child’s

point of view.
How does it feel to be in their shoes, watching

yourself as you managed the stressful situation?
As I said it doesn’t matter if the aggression is not

directed at them. Just witnessing it regularly
enough teaches them to mistrust you. Hearing you
speak to people with disrespect, demanding your
own way, placing yourself on a pedestal of
perfection, or any other aggressive action is
teaching your child to stay away from you.
This behavior makes them feel insecure, unsafe,

and confused. The mental exercises in this chapter
are designed to help you step outside of yourself.
Regardless of how you currently manage your
stress. Whether it’s healthy or maladaptive, these
exercises can help you to understand life from
your child’s point of view.
When you gave birth to your child and held that

precious baby in your arms, I’m sure you didn’t
look at your child and think – “Gee, I sure hope they
stop talking to me one day because they are sick and
tired of me constantly going off for no or little
reason.”
Or “I sure hope this child feels afraid to open up to

me.” 122
Of course not. When we had our kids, we held

them with awe and wonder. We wondered who
they’d become, what their first word would be,
and were excited to watch them reach milestones.
None of us looked at our kids as babies as said,

“One day you are going to despise being around me
because I’m going to make you wish you were
somewhere else by constantly displaying behavior
that’s for sure going to push you away.”
Sometimes we don’t consider the outcomes of our

behavior before it’s too late. That’s the harsh truth
nobody is talking about! Again, we all have bad
days, and sometimes bad months. If you’ve raged
in front of your child at some point and lived to
regret it you aren’t alone. So have I. What I am
talking about is repeated patterns of behavior.
If you fly off the handle once in a blue moon it

won’t impact them to that extent. However, if you
regularly find yourself in a bad mood, constantly
stressing, raging, or getting annoyed at the little
things. You may be on track to permanently
damaging your relationship with your child. Even
worse damaging them as a person even if it’s not
directed at them.
As always there is GOOD NEWS!
123
I love good news and I’m sure you do too. This is

why I have absolutely loved writing this book for
you. The good news is that it’s easy to change and
you can do it right now!
Right, this very second!
Your emotions do not run you. In fact, it’s

scientifically impossible to be fully controlled by
your emotions unless you have a disorder of some
kind where emotional responses are involuntary.
If your child has autism, or if you do, or another
emotional/cognitive processing disorder that’s a
different scenario.
Outside of those parameters, we have full control

of our emotional range. When we react to
something we are making a choice. Each time we
are choosing that behavior. We may feel out of
control, but that’s a lie due to the heart racing and
chemicals releasing. We are in control, and we can
control our responses to stress if we choose to.
A few years ago, scientists conducted a study on

swearing. They found that swearing when you’ve
hurt yourself releases feel-good chemicals in the
brain that helps to mitigate the pain receptors.
Sometimes we yell or become lost in our emotions
because we’ve trained ourselves to behave that
way to release stress.
124
Yelling is a transference of pain. Like swearing, our

brains feel temporary relief from pain when we do
it. Sometimes when I get incredibly stressed out, I
cry. It feels good to get the emotions out. Think of
a time when you last cried. How did your brain
feel afterward? I bet you felt a little tingling
sensation in your skull or on your skin. You may
have felt that your breathing was deeper and
more relaxed. That’s the feeling when stress has
been released. Our body rewards us when we do
it.
I used to be a rage-mom. I would slam my fists on

the table or yell out across the house. I was
addicted to it because I saw my parents behave in
the same way. It’s how I learned to relieve stress.
Then I noticed the effect it was having on my child.
I noticed his behavior toward me changed. He
seemed less comfortable around me. That is the
moment I decided to change my well-worn toxic
patterns of behavior.
The good thing about choices is that we can

choose differently. The bad news is that when we
constantly exhibit a pattern of behavior it means
we have trained our brains to react that way when
triggered. It means the brain has literally re-wired
itself neurologically to release adrenaline, and
cortisol when similar situations arise.
125
This increases the likelihood of overreacting

without thinking. Again, I have some good news. I
have a strategy that can change your well-worn
patterns of behavior. If you are prone to flying off
the handle this strategy will help you. If you have a
good handle on your emotions this strategy will
give you an extra tool to use in stressful times.
My strategy utilizes the power of mindfulness.

There are two definitions of mindfulness. There is
societies definition that relates to meditation and
spiritual type practices. Then there is a scientific
definition that’s based on the understanding of
how our brains function. My strategy is based on
science. The type of mindfulness I am talking
about is scientific, not metaphysical, or spiritual. I
am not talking about meditation, or mindful
meditation I am talking about the scientific
principle of mindfulness.
From a scientific perspective, to be mindful means

to become totally aware of yourself, your body,
your thoughts, and your environment before
reacting to a situation. It means to pause, to take
notice, and to choose a response rather than
reacting instantly.
This is the strategy I used to change my own

behavior.
126
I still have my moments but using the scientific

principle of mindfulness I choose to respond
calmly, and logically. As a result, things always turn
out much better than expected.
Mindfulness is a way of rewiring your brain. It’s

best to start practicing it now, and not wait until
you are emotionally high from a stressful
situation.
In the next part of this chapter, I am going to teach

you how to become mindful. It’s best to do this
when you have some time to yourself.
I know some of you might be saying, “Time to

myself!? Bah! What’s that!?”
I know how that feels. This practice should not

take more than 10 minutes of your time, and once
you have it down pat, no more than 3-7 minutes at
a time per day.
You can practice this technique as many times

throughout the day as you want, but at least do it
once per day every single day.
127

Before you proceed make sure you have the time
in a quiet space to partake in this exercise. It’s best
to not do this while driving as this will distract you.
If you have a mobile device either switch it off or
put it on silent. No scrolling when doing this
exercise or it won’t work, because doing so is the
opposite of mindfulness.
Are you ready? Ok, let’s begin.
Take a deep breath. Look at your arms, your

hands, your legs, your feet, and notice them.
How are they positioned?

Do you have your hands folded, or are they by
your side?
How do your limbs feel? Tense or relaxed?
Look at your belly or diaphragm area and notice

your breathing pattern. Don’t force anything, just
notice it. All you are doing is becoming aware of
yourself.
Are you breathing deeply or with short shallow

breaths?
Notice your current state.
128
Now breathe in deeply from your diaphragm, not

from the top of your lungs. Keep your eyes open.
Remember we are not meditating we are
practicing scientific mindfulness. I want you to be
fully conscious, and aware of yourself.
Breathe deeply. Don’t force it, just breathe

naturally. Notice your room.
What color are the walls?

Are you outside?
What is around you right now?
Describe it in your mind and notice it.
How’s the weather? Don’t just think sunny or cold,

really describe it in your mind or out loud if it
helps.
A little humid, a little chilly?

How does your body feel?
A little cold?
How does your skin feel?
Take some time and notice it.
Breathe deeply.
129
Next is sound. Notice the sounds around you.
What sounds do you hear?

Birds, the tv, your kids?
Notice the sounds, take it all in, describe them in

your mind.
Don’t try to affect anything around you or drift off.

Just enter into a place of stillness like a fly on the
wall and notice everything around you. You are
not trying to go into your mind, you are simply
taking notice.
Next, notice your emotions.
How do you feel?

Not the white lies we tell other people such as,
“I’m fine”, but how do you really feel? Truly,
inside?
Happy?
Sad?
Neutral?
Tired?
It doesn’t matter, feel it, and notice it. Don’t fight it,
or try to change it just notice it.
130
I know at this point some of you may struggle with

this. Especially if you suffer from anxiety or
depression. It can be difficult to describe how you
feel because we tend to tell others that we are ok
when we are not. We do this so we don’t fall apart,
because perhaps in our minds if we admit how we
truly feel we won’t be able to cope with it.
I am here to tell you that you can cope with it. It’s
ok. Everybody runs from how they feel at times.
However, running from your feelings amplifies
them. What you resist will persist. The key is to
allow yourself to feel how you are feeling and not
bottle it up inside. If you feel sad it’s ok, you are
not going to fall apart because you are sad. Just
notice it.
To mitigate the fear of feeling how you truly feel

remind yourself you are in a safe space. You are
deeply loved by your kids for who you are and that
is special. Even if you are sad, your kids still love
you. Let yourself feel however you are feeling in
this moment and keep breathing deeply from your
belly inwards and out.
Notice the seat you are sitting on.
Is it soft or hard?
What do you like or dislike about it?
Breathe deeply, in and out.

131
You are safe, you are loved, and your emotions

cannot hurt you.
What happened in your life today? Don’t just label

it as good or bad but really describe it.
I went to the grocery store today.

It’s cold today so I wore a coat.
I love this coat because it makes me feel
secure and warm.
I took my favorite handbag to the store.
I love this handbag, or I don’t like it because
___.
I chatted with a friend today.
They were wearing ____ they said _____ they
seemed happy, sad, or other...
Describe your day in detail. Go deep. Notice your

day. Notice your life. If you spoke with others,
Was it a good conversation?

How did it make you feel?
Did you get enough sleep last night?
Sometimes we can be so wrapped up in what

vexes us we forget to notice all the good things
that happen to us. What was good about today, or
yesterday? Remember a time when you felt the
most confident you’ve ever been and the happiest
you’ve ever been.
132
How did you feel?

What was the weather like that day?
How was your posture, your mood, your facial
expressions?
Recreate the situation in your mind and really put

yourself back there. Feel the emotions of
happiness and love wash over you. Breathe in and
out deeply.
The next step is gratefulness.
Do you have a roof over your head?

Food in your belly?
A warm bed to sleep in?
Clothes on your back?
A car to drive?
Money to go out and have fun with?
Whatever it is that you have, and cherish, think

back to a time when you didn’t have these things.
How did it feel having to walk everywhere

before you got a car?
Now you have this how do you feel?
Is your life better than it was 10 years ago?
If so how?
133
Describe it. Notice it. Go deep. Pick several things

to be grateful for.
How did you achieve the goals you have?

Did it come easy, or did you have to work
through pain?
One easy scenario is the day you gave birth (if

you’re a mom). That was the most painful moment
of your life and the happiest am I right? It’s weird
thinking about these two strong emotions
together but the happiness didn’t come without
working through pain. This is proof that you have
the ability to control your emotions. That you can
change your mood, and that you can work
through stress in a manner that is productive
rather than destructive.
This is the scientific principle of mindfulness. It’s

simply stopping to take notice so that you can
deeply analyze each sphere with a renewed
perspective. It may seem trivial to think of these
tiny little details, but that’s because you can’t see
what is happening inside your brain when you do
this.
You are rewiring your brain as you partake in this

exercise. You are teaching your brain to notice
these things, to calm down, to become aware. You
are teaching your brain to take a pause.
134
This is important because when we fly off the

handle, we overlook all the good things in our
lives. We can suffer inattentional blindness. We
can end up living life on autopilot, and miss out on
noticing the wonderful things and people around
us.
We become blind to it. This is called inattentional

blindness. We only see what we pay attention to. If
your attention is constantly focused on small
stressors your brain will become blind to
everything else outside your perspective.
We will always find what we are looking for. If we

are looking for a reason to be angry, we will find it.
If we look for reasons to be happy, we will find it,
even in times of stress.
Committing to this exercise daily will help you to

stop automatically reacting to things. You can
practice this in times of stress also. Stop, breathe,
notice your body, notice your environment, notice
the others around you.
If you are arguing with someone, think of

something you are grateful for. Remind yourself
that this person most likely is not out to get you.
Change your perspective. Change your state of
mind and you will change your emotions and
feelings.
135
Remember, behavior is a habit. It’s a pattern.

Habits and patterns can be changed and broken.
Before I finish this chapter, I have another strategy

for you that will help when your kids are pushing
all of your buttons. Mindfulness is the long game.
What you practice now will serve you in the future.
This next strategy is the short game. It will give you
short-term results and long-term gains.
I call it the Grey Rock Method and it’s best

explained in video format. It’s a method that you
can use when your kids are trying to manipulate
your emotional responses to get what they want.
This can be used in conjunction with mindfulness.
If you want to understand what this is and how to
use it properly follow the link below to a video, I
created about it.
The video is located in my private Facebook group

Victorious Parenting Book Club. It is pinned at the
top of the group. To enter the group, you will be
asked a series of questions, this is just to make
sure bots and spammers don’t enter the group.
You don’t have to remain in the group if you don’t

want to but there are benefits other than viewing
the video to becoming a group member. I have a
regular podcast and create regular content pieces
for the members of my group.
136
So, if you want to learn more about the Grey Rock

Method click the link to the video below (it’s
pinned at the top of the page) and I’ll see you on
the inside!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/victoriousp
arentingbookclub
Sometimes facebook changes the URL of videos

when they do updates. So if you can't find it
pinned at the top, click media and then videos. Or
Click guides and find the Grey Rock Method and
you'll see it.
If you still can't find it - feel free to message my

support desk, support@victoriousparenting.com,
or create a post or comment in the group and I'll
send you the link.
137
What you run from
will persist
abel la
Ar e
Hill
Chapter 5
How to Manage
Defiant Behavior
To talk about managing defiant behavior I need to

define what it is, and is not. If a child is perceived
to be persistently defiant and exhibits aggression,
vindictiveness or argumentative behavior on a
consistent basis, lasting longer than six months,
and causes significant problems at home and in
school the child may have Oppositional Defiant
Disorder.
This disorder is rare. However, in my opinion, it

has been overdiagnosed and attributed to
children who are exhibiting normal childhood
behaviors.
When determining if a child suffers from

Oppositional Defiant Disorder, we must consider
the home environment. Particularly the way the
parents interact and manage their child’s
behavior. I have personally witnessed parents
frustrating their children to boiling point without
consciously realizing it.
I taught a boy who was labeled as defiant,

stubborn, difficult, and unteachable. As a result,
his mother sat with him when we had class online.
This boy was extremely anxious when we first met
and constantly looked to his mother for support.
Over time, his confidence grew, but anytime he
made progress his mother’s behavior pulled him
back.
138
She would constantly criticize him and try to

“perfect” his achievements because they weren’t
on par with his peers.
I wasn’t judging his progress against his peers or a

national statistical standard. I judged his progress
empirically against the baseline of what I knew
about his behavior and what I had witnessed in
the first week of teaching him.
The way I judged his progress is rare for teachers.

Teachers generally judge their student's progress
by national standards and against their peers.
However, I see things differently and believe that

learning should be wherever possible tailored to
the student. This can be difficult when teaching a
large class, but I made it work.
If I judged him based on statistics or his peers, he

would have appeared to be behind. Therefore, the
diagnosis would be that he is well behind his peers
and there is an issue with him and his learning.
However, life isn’t as black and white as that, there
are shades of grey.
Whenever he started to make progress, his

mother would criticize him and within a few
minutes, I witnessed him direct his frustration
toward me and his classmates.
139
If any of his classmates criticized him even slightly,

he would act out with aggression. I could have
labeled him as aggressive, defiant, or unteachable.
Luckily, I saw what was behind the behavior.
I knew his behavior was redirected aggression.

This is aggression directed towards a third party
because the original aggressor cannot be
confronted by the person. In this case, the original
aggressor was his mother. You might think his
mother was a horrible person, she wasn’t. She was
well-educated highly intelligent, and very sweet.
She had high standards for her son and couldn’t

understand why he was behind his peers. She
labeled him as stubborn because when he was
criticized, even if it was constructive, he would
completely shut down and refuse to participate.
He was quite neurotic. I'm betting that if he had

been taken to a doctor perhaps they may have
diagnosed him with severe anxiety or neuroticism
and may have medicated him.
I am not against medication. It has its place.

However, I think we are overdiagnosing and over-
medicating our children. He was aggressive and
highly neurotic. However, those issues were
symptoms and not the cause.
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His mother is a perfectionist and a super high

achiever. She worried too much and unwittingly
transferred her anxiety onto her son. In her mind,
pushing him the way she did helped him to raise
his own standards and challenge himself. She
didn’t realize that she played a part in his neurotic
behavior.
I taught him for a long time and saw a lot of

improvement. However, there was a period where
he went on an extended holiday with his parents.
When he came back, he had regressed
considerably to the neurotic child he was 12
months prior. This boy wasn’t stubborn, or defiant,
nor did he have an emotional processing disorder,
nor did he have a problem with socialization.
Sure, he displayed those behaviors, but they

weren’t behavioral characteristics that would
define who he is as a person. They were a
symptom, not the cause. All behavior is a form of
communication. All behavior is a symptom of a
deeper cause. The cause of his defiance and
aggression was his neuroticism. That stemmed
from his mother’s anxiety that came from her
extremely high expectations of him.
She’s a perfectionist and handed it down to her

son. Perfectionism and neuroticism are
symptoms, and the cause is fear.
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Fear of the unknown, fear of not fitting in, fear of

not achieving high standards, and the fear of
failure. Anytime he failed at achieving his goals he
would get extremely emotional, and angry then
totally shut down. The root of his aggression was
frustration and fear.
His mother was afraid of him failing and

unwittingly passed this fear onto him through her
critical behavior. This created the same fear in him
along with frustration. He internalized and he
became neurotic. This neurotic behavior was
externalized aggressively.
So, you see it pays to look beyond the behavior. I

could have judged him incorrectly and thrown my
hands up in the air and said, “What an aggressive,
naughty unteachable child who needs strong
discipline”. However, I chose to see the message
beyond the aggression and there I found my
answer.
As a teacher, I noticed that when you push kids

too much they will shut down. It’s not wrong to
have high expectations, but the way you go about
it matters. If you relax and make learning a
pleasant experience, then the child will forget they
are learning. They will absorb the information and
participate in more of it with enthusiasm.
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If you judge them based on their own baseline of

behavior, not their siblings, your ideas of where
they should be, or national statistics, you’ll see
them from a different perspective. My student
made huge leaps even though he was still behind,
but to me, it didn’t matter.
He was catching up and making good progress. I

play the long game with kids. There is something
called compounding interest. It’s a financial term
that basically means your investment today will
increase with interest over time.
The investment you make in a child today will

increase with interest over time. You may not see
the behavior flourish right away but look at their
baseline. I bet from that perspective you’ll
recognize their behavior has improved and now
you have something to encourage them with. This
is how I managed this boy’s behavior. I would
constantly remind him of where he started and
how far he came.
This encouraged him and gave him hope and

made him stay the course. I’ve seen kids who were
the worst performers in the class both
behaviorally and academically go onto excel above
and beyond their peers in just 12 weeks using this
method. This is the power of hope and
encouragement. This is the power of looking
beyond the behavior to the root cause. 143
However, once you push them and make

demands, or scare them into submission that is
when the flight to fight mechanism fires up. The
brain switches to survival mode, and the learning
centers shut down.
Teachers and therapists can only do so much. It’s

down to you the parent to look at the entire
environment and make adjustments accordingly.
This boy wasn’t deliberately defiant. He certainly
wasn’t unteachable. He was redirecting his
aggression outwardly because he couldn’t tell his
mother that it was her behavior that frustrated his
efforts. He was unable to process his anxiety in
healthy ways. This boy’s mother didn’t see how
her own anxiety was contributing to her child’s
maladaptive behavior.
I think we should be slow to label children as

defiant. Doing so places all the responsibility on
the child without understanding any other
mitigating factors that are contributing to it. Kids
will push the boundaries and a times act out
defiantly. It doesn’t mean that is who they are as
people or have emotional processing disorders.
I taught a little girl who was incredibly adorable.

Every lesson she wore a new dress and couldn’t
wait to show me her outfit. From the beginning,
she was confident and capable.
144
However, she was the youngest and the only girl in

the classroom. The boys in my class loved to talk
about poop, dinosaurs, wrestling, and other
things. She wanted to talk about princesses and
fashion. Boys can be rough and blunt. They can
appear rude and insulting without trying but that’s
how they interacted with one another. They tried
to interact with her in that way and she didn’t like
it.
After about three months she began to get angry

at the boys. I think she became tired of it with no
other little girl to talk to, or pair with in group
exercises. I started to see another side to her. She
stopped taking my direction and began talking
back a lot. I knew this group wasn’t right for her
and that she needed another girl in the class.
Her behavior worsened. I tried my best to talk with

her about her feelings. It helped and she calmed
down. However, I could see in every class the boys
frustrated her. It would have been easy for me to
label her as naughty or defiant. At times she’d
throw things at the camera in frustration or storm
off.
She was eventually transferred to another time

slot with girls, and the confident happy child in her
came back.
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It’s easy to look at kids' behavior in a nutshell and

label or judge their character. However, if the
examples so far in this chapter have taught us
anything is that we need to take their entire
environment into consideration.
When I started studying juvenile delinquency at

university, I thought juvenile delinquents were kids
who lack discipline in the home. Therefore, the
remedy would be to discipline them. However, I
found out that’s not the case. Often children who
become delinquent have rules and discipline in
the home. By looking at the child and their
behavior only we miss out on the WHY. The why is
more important than the what. When we discover
why they are doing what they are doing then we
can help change it.
From my experience kids act out mostly because

they are frustrated, bored, tired, experience
growing pains, showboating, or are hungry. More
often than not their defiant behavior is a result of
their inability to understand their emotions or
express them in ways that release the internal
psychological pain they feel. They are often
frustrated but don’t understand it so they lash out.
Kids who have Oppositional Defiant Disorder are
not just defiant at home. They aren’t defiant
sometimes; they are defiant 24/7. They cannot
switch it on or off.
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Their defiance is persistent, consistent and

impacts school, home, and friendships alike. It
doesn’t matter if they are out having fun at the
park, or in class, or at home, kids that genuinely
have this disorder are oppositional with pretty
much everything, with everyone all the time. It’s
this consistent and repeated pattern of behavior
that may lead a health care professional to
diagnose a child with this disorder.
If you think that your child genuinely has this

disorder. I encourage you to do a lot of research
about it from peer-reviewed resources and
materials that you can find on Google Scholar. As
well as seeing at least two health care
professionals who specialize in this field.
The majority of parents reading this will not have

Oppositionally Defiant children. Most likely you
have children who are pushing your buttons and
your temper to the max.
Knowing it’s normal doesn’t help the situation.

Which I understand deeply. So, in a moment I will
dive into some strategies.
If your child is being verbally, or physically abusive

this does not constitute as "normal" behavior. See
Chapter 11 for strategies when kids are abusive.
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First, let's talk about temperament. If you've ruled

out Oppositional Defiant Disorder, have followed
the guidelines in this book and your child is still
rebelling, then they may have a strong
temperament that needs a little extra work to
manage.
There are child temperament tests such as the

EAS test. EAS stands for Emotionality, Activity, and
Sociability Temperament Survey for children.
However, like IQ tests they aren't perfect and
cannot account for all the different variables in the
environment.
These tests are mostly designed to measure

temperament types in children who display erratic
behaviors that cannot be explained otherwise.
They are used to "predict" future behavioral
problems such as, social anxiety disorder, low
intelligence, and social disorders.
If you feel that your child has an unusual

temperament don't rely on online tests. A
temperament test should be conducted by a
healthcare professional specializing in this field.
There are currently 30 tests to choose from.
This is why I do not recommend doing these tests

online without professional consultation.
148
James Deal from North Dakota State University

conducted a longitudinal study about
temperament. He found that strong-tempered
children are;
More energetic than their peers.
Less adaptable to changes in their

environment.
Can become highly emotional when reality

differs from their expectations.
Highly persistent on matters that are

meaningful to them.
Easily distractable when they are bored or

uninterested in the stimuli being presented.
Strong-tempered children tend to be more

autonomous in their thinking than their peers.
This only affects around 10% of children. Internal
factors such as genetics, extroversion vs.
introversion, and high intelligence may explain
these behavioral characteristics. You will read in
the age-specific chapters how your child's brain
development affects their behavior. All children
start off being highly logical. They do not
understand the internal world of emotions until
much later on.
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How to manage a strong-tempered child.
Let them know about expected changes in their

routine and mentally prepare them for it.
Recognize what is meaningful to them and let
them make choices on their own. For example, a
four-year-old girl might resist her mother in
helping her get dressed. Talk her through each
stage of the process and help her to make her
own choices at each stage.
It takes more time and patience but a strong-

willed child likes to feel in control. Wanting control
and autonomy over one's life is another universal
core need. Allowing them to make small choices
can help fill this need.
If they are particularly energetic, look for ways to

wear them out physically and mentally each day.
These kids need more playtime than other kids.
Taking them to the park for an hour and letting
them run around will help. Giving them new books
to read and new ways to express their individuality
will help also. Another guiding principle in this
book is guide and redirect. Strong-tempered kids
need this approach more than most. Guide them
to healthy behaviors and redirect when they stray
off the path by keeping your cool and physically
demonstrating what you would like them to do.
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What do you do if your child is being generally

defiant? How do you manage when you have
asked your child over and over and over again and
yet they are still rebelling against your requests?
At the end of this chapter in the put it into practice
section, I will be giving you some practical tips for
managing defiant behavior.
For now, I will end this part by highlighting

something important about labeling our kids
strong-willed, defiant or stubborn. Our brains seek
to make meaning of our experiences. They want to
make sense of things by attributing labels and
finding meaning. We want to know why our kids
seem determined to do the opposite of what we
ask them to do.
It normal to try and find meaning in that. To want

answers, and to find labels that might match like
strong-willed, defiant, or stubborn. As an
experienced teacher, and a mother of a now 19-
year-old I can tell you that strong-willed behavior
isn’t about you. They aren’t deliberately trying to
drive you up the wall or make you mad.
Just because they seem strong-willed or stubborn

it doesn’t mean that is who they are. They don't
know who they are yet.
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By repeatedly telling them they are stubborn we

are attributing behavior to their character.
Behavior can change but character is at the core
of who you are as a person. This is called
personality. Personality is made up of a variety of
things such as cultural identity, race, status,
environmental influences, peers, society, along
with personal principles and moral convictions.
Personality identifies who you are in the world in

comparison to others and that is a lot harder to
change. The good news is kids are learning who
they are, and their personalities aren’t fixed. If
they are acting defiantly it does not mean that is
who they are or will become as adults. Temporary
behaviors do not define permanent status.
This means their behavior now isn’t necessarily

going to persist throughout their lives. Their
behavior will change as they change, along with
their environment, and as they develop a sense of
individuality and self-actualization.
Sure, there are some strong-willed and stubborn

adults out there who defy the law and often end
up in trouble or worse, jail. However, just because
your child is acting in a certain manner now,
doesn’t mean that it will last throughout their lives.
In fact, if you manage their behavior effectively in
childhood it won’t last. It’s a learning and growing
phase that is all. 152
If we are quick to say “Oh well he’s just stubborn”

what we are really doing is giving up. Deep down
we are saying that we can’t manage or explain this
behavior so it must just be who they are.
However, that’s often not the case at all. It can be

easy to do because when we are tired and
frustrated, we can throw our hands up and say
“UGH I GIVE UP!” Not knowing what we can do to
change it. The good news is that you have the
power to change it and you aren’t alone in this.
Here is an example. When my son was a toddler, I

would give him a bath and tell him that bath time
is over. I would get him dressed and lead him into
his room to play while I went into the next room to
put things away. I would go back into the
bathroom to find him back in the bath with his
clothes on. I had not yet had a chance to drain the
water, but there he was defying me. I said bath
time was over and he wasn’t having any of it.
This defiant behavior was an everyday thing. It

was a battle just to get him out of the house. It
was a battle to get him bathed and dressed. It was
a battle to get him to eat dinner at dinner time. It
was a battle to get him to sit still and behave
himself on public transport.
153
It was a constant daily, hour by hour battle and it

continued as he grew when he was 2,3,4,5 years
old. I would say it’s bedtime and he wouldn’t stay
in there for long. It was a difficult period of time
and I often felt that I was failing as a parent.
I could have easily said he’s a stubborn child and

attributed it to his character. However, I often felt
that I was missing something in my parenting and
that I wasn’t managing his behavior well.
I was right. When he was around eight years old I

started to study psychology and learn about child
development. I started getting deep into this topic.
When I learned about the brain it changed
everything and opened my eyes. I learned that a
lot of what I was doing was contributing to his
behavior. Once I changed, he changed.
People who know my son now would never call

him stubborn or strong-willed, just the opposite. It
was a phase and it ended when I managed it in a
more effective way. I fully believe that if I had
known sooner, what I know now, his behavior
would not have continued for so many years.
My goal with this book is to arm you with the tools

you need to manage your child’s behavior
effectively.
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His behavioral change was not an overnight

miracle cure-all. His defiance tapered off over
time, as I took small consistent action steps. Like
the action steps I’ve given you throughout this
book. These steps led to his “defiant” behavior
transforming.
The techniques in this book are the same

techniques I’ve used in my classroom as a teacher
that transformed the behavior of the most
“strong-willed” child.
How to Discover What Your Child’s

Behavior is Communicating
The first strategy is to look deeply at your child’s

behavior. What are the mitigating factors that
could be contributing to it? Become an empirical
researcher. Observe your child’s behavior and
seek to find patterns in it. Observe how you and
others interact with them. Are they displaying
defiant behavior because they are frustrated, or
redirecting their aggression towards others? Look
at their environment as a whole. Are they
extroverted or introverted?
Extroversion and introversion aren’t mental states

of mind they are energy sources. Extroverted
people gain energy from socializing with others.
Introverted individuals gain energy from being
alone lost in their thoughts, or a hobby.
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Sometimes introverted kids might act out defiantly

when they are overstimulated and have had
enough of being around others. They may need
some time alone. Not a time out as a punishment,
but time to process their day and recharge.
Sometimes extroverted kids can act out if they’ve

had too much alone time. They may need to go
outside and run around loose with other kids to
feel better. Find the message behind their
behavior by tracing it back to the source. Notice
the times when they are well behaved and ask
yourself,
What has contributed to this behavior?

Did they eat well that day?
Sleep well that night? What other factors
contributed to it?
How did you interact with them that day?
Were you relaxed or tense?
By doing this you can start to see patterns.

Patterns that can give you indicators of what other
environmental influences contribute to their
behavior good and bad.
Then you can start to make small adjustments to

encourage more of the good.
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Now you have a list of factors that contribute to

their good and bad behavior. Now that you
understand the root causes it’s time to make
adjustments. Help your child understand their
emotions through labeling them.
You can create a wall chart that has emoji faces on

them. Depending on their age and their
preferences you could also do this on a
chalkboard. Sometimes, especially teens will tell
you they are fine when they are not. Help them
visualize their emotions in an outward way by
writing them down. On the board or chart ask
your child to point to an emotion that represents
how they feel.
I did this at the start of every lesson I taught. I

would ask each child how they felt and have a
brief conversation with them about why.
Sometimes they wouldn’t know why. So I would
ask them more questions about their day.
Eventually, we would discover the reason they felt
happy, sad, angry, etc.
Then I would help them to express those

emotions in picture form or allow them to make a
noise that represents that feeling. We had fun with
it, and it helped them to release their emotions
and process them.
157

Calming a child down
If your child is in a temper their brain is most likely

in fight mode. Don’t meet temper with temper, or
aggression with aggression. Instead, you could use
my Grey Rock Method. This is best explained
visually so I made a video about it which can be
accessed in my private Facebook group.
You can choose to stay in the group or leave after

you view the video. I provide plenty of support and
free resources in this group so it might be worth
sticking around.
Access the video here;

https://www.facebook.com/groups/victoriousp
arentingbookclub
Another option is to use The Listen and Repeat

method. When our kids have a rough time
processing something it’s too easy to jump in and
try to solve the issue for them. We want to ease
their pain. However, sometimes our efforts can
result in frustrating them further. Rather than
telling our kids how to feel or process their
emotions, we can guide them.
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The outcome of this strategy is that kids learn to

think deeply about their feelings and the issues
they face. They feel heard, understood, and
supported by you.
The listen and repeat method works best in a

relaxing setting where you ask your child how they
feel and listen without judgment. This works for all
ages even teens. This involves you listening to
them, without giving advice, or trying to help them
calm down.
Like the Grey Rock Method your silence is your

power. Listen to what they say in silence, respond
in a positive way with your body language, and
repeat back what they said. For example, let’s say
you have a daughter. She gets in the car after
school and you ask her how she feels, and what
she did that day.
She says, “Jenny made me angry because she

wouldn’t play ball with me at lunch like she promised
– I hate her.”
You could respond by saying, “Hate is a strong word

we should never hate others I’m sure Jenny didn’t
mean it”.
159
However, saying this doesn’t help her process her

emotions. It tells her how to feel and doesn’t
prevent her from feeling the way she does. It
might make her internalize her feelings and feel
guilty over them. This may bring about a type of
cognitive dissonance where she has two
competing beliefs.
The first belief is that she is justified in hating

Jenny because she broke her promise. The second
is that hating is wrong therefore her feelings are
wrong.
This is where The Listen and Repeat method

comes in. Instead of responding with a solution or
judgment that may cause cognitive dissonance or
more frustration you listen and repeat.
For example, you could say, “You are angry at Jenny

because she broke her promise to you”.
She says yes.
Then you say something like. “That’s

understandable. I don’t like it when people break
their promises to me either. Why was playing ball at
lunch important to you?”
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She tells you that Jenny is her best friend and

playing ball with her makes her happy.
Then you might say, “So, Jenny is the girl whom you
enjoy playing ball with the most." "Playing ball makes
you happy and spending time with Jenny is fun."
"When she broke her promise to you it meant that the
fun you expected to have with her today didn’t
happen.”
She might say yes and repeat her earlier

statement that she hates her now. Instead of
trying to explain to her why she shouldn’t hate
Jenny, you can help her to understand her own
emotions.
You could say, “I understand how you feel and why

you feel angry at Jenny”. “It can be upsetting when
something you expected to happen didn’t work out”
“Have you spoken to Jenny about how you feel?”
She might say, "I told her that I hate her now." At
this point, you might want to jump in and say, well
that’s a bit over the top, or rude, or say something
along those lines but don’t. Instead, help her think
deeply by saying, “Have you ever broken your
promise to Jenny or anyone else?”.
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Get her to think about her own behavior. Gently

remind her of a time where she broke her promise
to you if she can’t think of an example. Then you
could say, “Would you expect me to hate you when
you broke your promise to me?”
Let her speak even if she seems annoyed. Now

she’s thinking deeply. She might say, “No because
you are my mom that’s different!”
You can explain to her that sometimes people

break their promises and it doesn’t matter if you
are a mother, child or friend. It hurts when people
break their promises, and sometimes we do it
without realizing how it hurts others.
Then reaffirm that you understand how she feels.

In this way, you are demonstrating that her
experience is not unique to her. Jenny broke her
promise, but she has also broken her promise in
the past too. This helps her to understand Jenny’s
behavior in light of her own.
Help her to understand her feelings. Hear her out.

Help her to think deeply about her own inner
world, and let her process it all. Don’t try and tell
her not to be mad at Jenny, or to make friends
with her again.
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She might want to carry on the conversation, if so,

go with it, but don’t offer advice unless she asks
for it. Just listen and repeat. Help her process how
she feels by helping her understand her inner
world. Just reason and spark a deep thought
process within her. Her brain will fill in the gaps
and she will figure out the next steps herself.
Here's another example. Say your son is 16 years

old. He hops in the car all moody and silent. You
ask him a few questions and he doesn’t answer.
Let him know that no matter how he feels, when
he is ready you are there to lend an ear. When
he’s had time to eat and calm down ask him again.
Ask him deep not surface questions. Like, “How’s
Mike today?” “Did you two get to hang out at lunch?”.
This will help him to open up a little bit, but don’t

force it. Once he starts talking just let him have at
it. Let him say whatever comes to his mind and
just listen then repeat. Don’t offer solutions as his
brain will fill in the gaps. Just help him to think
about things from a different perspective.
Perhaps some kids teased him about his shoes

and it made him feel bad so he wants you to buy
him new shoes. You could say, “What didn't they
like about your shoes?”
163
"What do you like/dislike about your shoes?” "Have

you had these dislikes before today, or did this come
after you were teased about it?”
Show empathy and understanding. You could say,

“I love my shoes and if someone told me they were
ugly it would make me feel bad too, so I get it.”
"However, these shoes fit well and are comfortable."
"So I wouldn’t change them even if someone else
didn’t like them”.
You could point out that there will always be

people who don’t like you or something about you.
But it's a good thing because it clears the way for
the people who do.
That’s all you need to say. Let him process the

rest. This is active listening and empathy in action.
You’re not trying to fix it. Your reasoning with
them and letting their brains fill in the rest.
For small kids, if they are kicking off don’t try to

outshout them. Stand there Grey Rock style and
when they’ve calmed down empathize with their
frustration.
When my son threw tantrums when he didn't get

his own way I would say, “You want chocolate, is
that right?”
164
He’d say yes.
Then I’d say, “What needs to happen for you to get

the chocolate?”
He might say, "You need to give it to me or buy it for

me."
I’d say, “Why should I do that?”
He’d say, “Because I want it.”
I’d reason with him and say, "Surely there must be

another reason?"
He’d often say because “I'm a good boy.”
I’d say, “But you were just throwing yourself on the

floor and crying is that good behavior?”
The conversation would continue with me

reasoning and breaking down his faulty thought
patterns using empathy kindness and wisdom.
Then I’d set boundaries. I'd say, "I want to give you
this chocolate, but there are terms that must be
met.". "You cannot have chocolate until after dinner."
I would show him the chocolate, let him smell it,
then put it away out of reach, and say, "After
dinner, this is for you all for you!"
165
I let him get excited about it and then distract him

by saying let’s go to the park or draw while you
wait. Why don’t you draw a picture of the
chocolate and why you like it so much.
This helped him to understand that he can’t

demand his own way. If he threw another tantrum
the process would repeat.
I have a lot more strategies in the next chapters,

but now you understand defiant behavior, and
how to manage it better
166
Make small adjustments
to encourage more of the
good.
abel la
Ar e
Hill
Chapter 6
Toddlers 1-3 Years Old
According to Jean Piaget, a famous Swiss

Psychologist in the 1800’s. Children go through
four stages of development.
Each stage builds upon the learning of the other.

In this chapter, I am going to give you a
foundational understanding of the developmental
stages & milestones of toddlers. You will also learn
how you can nurture and enhance this
development. So that they will be ready for the
next stage when they reach it.
You will also learn common behavioral problems

and how to overcome them. Use these next
chapters like quick-fire study guides that you can
flip to when you need answers.
Children from birth to two years old are in what

Piaget called the sensorimotor stage. They begin
to understand the world through their movements
and sensations. Basic actions such as grasping,
holding, and throwing help them learn about how
their world functions.
If your toddler is throwing food around and

making a mess this is why. They are learning the
concepts of gravity, wet, dry, hot, cold, savory,
spicy, smooth, rough, loud, quiet, tasty, and not so
tasty.
167
They also begin to learn something called object

permanence. This means objects don't cease to
exist because they can't be seen. You will notice
this when playing peek-a-boo with them. Babies
might giggle in surprise, or cry as your face
appears and disappears.
Older toddlers start to understand that you

haven’t ceased to exist because you are hidden. At
this stage, you could easily entertain them with
this simple game all day long. It’s a great game to
play because it helps develop their understanding
of object permanence.
Older toddlers navigate their understanding of

object permanence by hiding themselves (albeit
not very well). They are learning that they can be
hidden and still exist. They learn that taking away
a toy doesn’t mean it’s gone forever.
At this stage, you may notice your toddler playing

hide and seek with you. During this phase, my son
loved to hide behind a curtain. I could see his
chubby little legs sticking out and hear him
giggling away.
To help him explore the concept of object

permanence I would pretend not to know where
he is.
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I would call out his name and go from room to

room. Finally, I would go to where he was and
draw back the curtains, and shriek in surprise, “OH
THERE YOU ARE! I’VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE
FOR YOU!"
This simple game helped him to explore object

permanence. He began to understand that he can
affect his environment around him. He can be
hidden and yet still exist.
This is why toddlers will freak you out by hiding in

this way. They aren’t doing it to be naughty, or to
cause you stress. They are exploring object
permanence. This helps them to progress to the
next developmental stage.
While toddlers at this stage are starting to learn

object permanence, they will not fully understand
how their behavior can impact others emotionally.
They are only beginning to grasp the idea that
they can take an action and witness a reaction
within their environment. They do not understand
how their emotional state, or actions can affect
the emotional state of others. That’s because their
brains are in a stage that is focused on logic.
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They’ll throw food on the floor and will watch your

reaction. Instead of seeing their behavior as
something that needs to be stopped immediately,
start to see them as tiny scientists who are
experimenting with environmental stimuli.
If you begin to change your perception, you’ll be

clearer-minded and more equipped to handle the
havoc they create. It doesn’t mean you don’t guide
and correct them. It means having the right
mindset will ensure that you will be better
equipped to guide and correct. Rather than
returning to the default of yelling.
As they begin to understand that their actions can

cause things to happen in the world their
temperament will change. This is what the terrible
two’s are all about. They learn that their own
actions can cause you to meet their needs faster.
As they grow, they learn that throwing themselves

on the floor gets a response. Throwing food, toys,
pulling hair, and saying no are all tools of
communication they use to test their environment
to determine how it works. Even at the later
toddler stage, your toddler isn’t purposely out to
get you riled up.
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They commit to this behavior because they are

figuring out if it gets them the response they want.
If you give into tantrums, believe me, you’ll see a
lot more of it. Kids need to explore their
environments in this way and making a mess is a
part of it. Allowing kids to make a mess is fantastic
for their development. You can set up a special
messy space where you let them paint, draw, play
to their heart's content. Toddlers learn via play,
and it gives you a break also.
When your toddler throws a tantrum see them as

a tiny little scientist that needs guiding and
correcting to the right path. In their minds they are
hypothesizing about their world, taking action to
test those theories, and developing methodologies
and tools to get more of what they want.
It helps to know this in the times when they are

making a mess, crying uncontrollably, or pushing
all your buttons. Next time your toddler does this
take a moment to step back and see them from
another perspective. Look at your tiny Einstein.
Look at how they move and manipulate their
environment and you. They are not trying to upset
you. They are trying to figure out how to function
in their environment in a way that is easy, gets
their needs met fast, and makes them feel safe
and connected to you.
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They go through a lot from birth to three years

old. They learn to crawl, sit, walk, and hold things.
Their eyesight becomes sharper, and they begin to
explore more of the space around them. They
begin to react to sensations in different ways, but
will often resort to crying because this is all they
really know at this stage. If you want them to react
in different ways you must teach and guide them
on how to do it. Rather than just expecting them
to do it on their own.
For example, if your toddler throws a tantrum

every time they want a drink. Don't give in or get
upset. Think to yourself, “Ok my little Einstein, let’s
teach you how to get what you want in a healthy
way."
Simply ask them what they want.
“Do want some milk?” If they point to what they

want, get them to say the name and ask you for it.
“Can I have milk, please?”
Don't give it to them just because they are making

a fuss. Give it to them only when they've displayed
an effort to try your approach to getting what they
want.
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They might just nod their head and say yes. It's a
good start, but you must train them like this every
day until you see a change. Remember behaviors
are habits that communicate needs. Toddlers at
this stage are developing habits fast.
According to neuropsychologist Dr. Caroline Leaf,

it takes 21 days to make or break a habit and 62
days to make it a part of your automatic
behavioral system. Therefore, it pays to be patient
with this. Eventually, they will ask you for what
they want because they know that's the fastest
and easiest way to getting it. They learn that
throwing tantrums gets them nowhere.
Training them in this way will help prevent them

from tantrum-throwing. If they are screaming just
stand there calm and wait for them to stop or walk
away. Then train a different response in them.
Below are some common tricky behaviors in
toddlers, their causes, and how to handle them.
Common Behavioral Problems in Toddlers
1. Fussiness. i.e., refusing to eat certain foods, or

wear certain articles of clothing.
2. Defiance. i.e., refusing to follow your requests.
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3. Tantrums. i.e., throwing themselves on the

floor, screaming, and crying.
4. Anger. i.e., biting, kicking, pulling hair,

scratching.
What Causes This Behavior?
Toddlers act in this way because they are

exploring what it means to get their needs met.
This is their primary concern because the brain is
designed to protect itself and survive no matter
what. Toddlers will act out due to a variety of
reasons. I believe the primary reason is their
survival instinct.
However, there are other causations that need to

be taken into consideration.
1. Autism and other behavioral disorders.

While rare, if you feel that your toddler in
comparison to others acts in overly anxious ways,
is overly fussy, and displays unusual behavioral
traits that persist every day, all day. Then it might
be time to get your child checked over by a health
professional.
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2. Ill Health. When my son was a toddler, his

development was slow. He had his hearing and
eyesight checked regularly and no anomalies were
found. However, he suffered from repeated ear
infections throughout the first 18 months of his
life.
By the time he reached two years old, I was

particularly worried about his speech. By age
three nobody but myself could understand him. At
times I struggled to make out what he was saying.
Later, we discovered that he had a eustachian
tube dysfunction. This meant everything he heard
was muffled.
When he was in primary school his eustachian

tube opened and his speech rapidly improved. So
sometimes kids act out due to being unwell. My
regret at that stage is not getting a second
opinion.
If your child’s development is particularly slow it’s

worth getting a complete health checkup by a few
different doctors for reference.
3. Being Tired. I am sure you’ve had times where

you’ve woken up and just felt grumpy all day long.
It’s hard enough as an adult but for toddlers, it’s
worse.
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Toddlers wake up grumpy too, but when they are

grumpy boy do we know about it! Most toddlers
need naps during the day. Not all toddlers want to
nap and that’s fine. However, it pays to give them
at least an hour during the day of quiet time
where there is no noise.
You could put on some soft music so they can

have some cuddle time with you. The problem is
that you might fall asleep too. However, it’s well
worth taking some time every day to give them a
mental break. Remember they are learning
incredibly fast. The neurons in their brains are
being created rapidly and it can be exhausting.
4. Hunger, or poor diet. It’s easy to rule this one

out. Give them a nice round meal that consists of
protein, fiber, and complex carbohydrates. Protein
doesn’t just build muscle it helps the body to feel
satiated. Complex carbohydrates are needed for
energy. A diet low in complex carbohydrates or
high in simple carbs will mean your toddler may
feel exhausted all the time.
A diet high in simple carbohydrates and low in

protein might mean they feel hungry a lot more
often. Babies get their gut bacteria from you at
birth. Some children have low levels of gut
bacteria and are prone to constipation.
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This in itself can affect behavior. A diet rich in fiber

with plenty of water will help. If you have concerns
about this see a nutritionist or your local doctor.
How to Manage Their Tricky Behaviors
The Ignore & Distract Method. All behavior is a

form of communication. Sometimes your toddler
just wants attention for no particular reason. They
may be fed, had a nap, clean, and the moment you
pick up the phone or sit down to read a book they
start sounding off.
In those moments you can ignore their behavior.

However, if you make sure they are distracted and
have something fun to do it will mitigate this.
When my son was little, he had a plastic bench set
that could be wiped down easily. I would set him
up with something to do and let him go at it. It
gave me a much-needed break.
Sometimes toddler’s fake cry. My son did this a lot.

To deal with this I would look at him and wipe his
dry face and say, “You aren’t crying there are no
tears!” Then he would stand there squeeze his
eyes together to force a tiny tear to come out.
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As soon as he felt that one solitary tear roll down

his cheek the real crying would begin. In those
moments I found it funny how my little actor was
trying everything he knew to get his needs met. I
would ignore it. Then wait until he was finished
and say “Ok, what do you want?” Then I’d walk him
through the process of learning how to get his
needs met by verbalizing them without all the
fuss.
The Teaching Method. Use those moments to

guide and correct them. If they’ve pulled your hair,
you could say, “Ouch that hurt!”, and then help
them understand how their action affected your
reaction and why. Explain to them how pulling hair
hurts.
If they’ve thrown themselves on the floor in the

middle of the supermarket (my son’s favorite at
that age) you can ignore it. Stand there and act like
it’s a game and tickle them (depending on the
situation) or say, “Oh well I guess Suzie doesn’t want
(insert benefit i.e., a snack), and then slowly start to
walk away.”
You can just sit with them and let them cry and
exhaust themselves out. It can be hard when they
do this in public especially when strangers
comment. Just ignore what people say and do
what’s right for your toddler in the moment.
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You can also try the Heartbeat Hug. This is when

you hold your toddler and hold their ear to your
heart tight so they cannot wiggle around. They can
hear your heart, which simulates the safety of the
womb. It might be worth a try if they let you hold
them next time they kick-off.
Alternatively ignore it by putting them in a stroller,

cart, or trolley and just carry on anyway. Giving
them too much attention when they are throwing
tantrums will fuel it more. Remember they are
doing it to get their needs met. If you are unable
to meet their needs when in public, show them
that they will not get their needs met like that by
ignoring the tantrum. You might need to wait until
you get home, but don't let these moments slip by
without teaching them something.
Here are the substages in toddler development;
Reflex Stage (0-1 Month)

To explore their environment, babies look around
with their eyes, they may raise their hands up and
suck their hands, breast, or bottle.
Primary Circular Reactions (1-4 months)

Babies are learning about sensations. They may
start to display repeated patterns of behaviors
such as sucking their thumb.
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Secondary Circular Reactions (4-8 months)

Now that your baby can see a lot better, they start
to explore their environment by affecting the
objects in their environment and discovering the
reactions. They may pick up a toy and throw it, or
put something they have found in their mouths.
Coordinated Reactions (12-18 months)

They are developing schemas that are the internal
maps of their environment. Schemas are patterns
of thought or behaviors intended to organize
environmental stimuli to determine the
relationships among them.
For example, Toddlers learn that dogs bark, but

cats do not. Pulling the tail of a cat might mean the
cat scratches or bites. Hot food burns and cold
food feels different in the mouth. These schemas
are important for categorizing information and
understanding it.
Tertiary Circular Reactions (12-18 months)

This is where your baby turns into a little scientist.
They begin to use experimentation via trial and
error to get their needs met, and to understand
the objects around them.
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For example, at this stage, my son realized that

throwing my favorite candle holder on the floor
caused it to shatter. He also learned that picking
up a toy truck and smashing mommy over the
head with it when she fell asleep on the couch
wasn’t a wise thing to do. I remember that day
well, I literally woke up seeing stars - Ouch! Kids do
this to explore the relationships between objects
in their environments.
Representational Thought (18-24 months)

Toddlers begin to attach symbolic representation
to objects in their environment. This is usually
when they start to become fussy with food and
clothing. They may refuse a certain piece of
clothing because it feels itchy to them or is the
wrong color, or smell.
At this stage, my son refused to eat anything red

in color. However, he would only wear red t-shirts.
Red food was out, but red clothing was in. It was
not an easy stage, but he was learning to associate
symbols and meaning between objects. While
exploring his personal interests.
At this stage, toddlers may develop favorite colors,

smells, and foods. This may result in fussiness and
moody behavior. To combat this give them a
chance to make a choice for themselves.
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To put what you have learned into practice here is
an exercise you can start today. The key is
consistency. Remember it takes 21 days to make
or break a habit and 62 days to make it a
permanent part of your neuropsychology.
Next time your toddler points at something they

want do not give it to them until they’ve made an
attempt to verbalize what it is they want.
Ask them, “Is this what you want?” While holding

the object. You can encourage them by saying yes
and nodding your head, and no while shaking your
head. This teaches them that nodding means yes
and shaking means no. If they nod encourage
them to say the word yes with it and likewise with
no.
Say the object's name, i.e Milk. “Do you want some
milk?" Then make sure your toddler can clearly see
your lips moving and your entire face. Get on their
level eye to eye and say, “Please mommy can I have
some milk”?
Depending on their age they may not be able to

say the full sentence. It doesn’t matter because
what you are looking for is an attempt to follow
your direction.
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If they start throwing down like Thor, ignore it, or

(Grey Rock) wait and try again. They will learn to
follow your direction to get what they want. This is
crucial to teaching them to respect your requests,
authority, and to develop an internal vocabulary
about the objects that are important to them.
Abusive behavior in the teen years starts in early
childhood. If you don't teach them to respect you
now it will be harder when they are taller and
stronger than you.
When my son was at this stage he would point at

the refrigerator and grunt. At first, I made the
mistake of just getting him the milk, but after a
few months, I realized that it was arresting his
development. So, I practiced this with him every
single time he wanted milk.
From memory, it was only about 2-3 weeks later,

he began to ask for it properly. Whereas before he
would grunt or throw himself on the floor and
reach his little arm towards the fridge. 21 days,
that’s how fast their behavior can turn around.
However, you've got to be like a broken record
and do it with consistency.
Remember this stage doesn’t last long although at

the times it sure can feel like it. Be consistent and
you will see results. Plant the seeds for healthy
behavior now and they will flourish as teens.
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Toddlers are like tiny
scientists, exploring their
environment.
abel la
Ar e
Hill
Chapter 7
Preschoolers 3-5 Years
Between the ages of 2-7 children are in what

Piaget called the Preoperational stage of
development. During this stage, children begin to
think about their world in a more symbolic
manner.
In the previous Sensorimotor stage children are

just learning to sense and test the world around
them. They now understand that they have the
power to affect the world around them. Later in
that stage, they begin to develop schemas which
are mental maps of the world that comprise of
people and objects and the relationships between
them.
In this stage, their inner schemas have started to

develop. Children in the Preoperational stage start
to understand symbolic meaning. They begin to
use words and pictures to represent the objects
around them.
For example, you could hold up a picture of an

apple, and your child will be able to recognize that
it’s an apple, the apple is red, and it’s a fruit. The
color and picture are symbolic representations of
the object. To nurture these developments, you
could use flashcards to test them about the
objects they know. You could also introduce your
child to new objects with different colors, textures,
tastes, smells, and sounds to help them explore.
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Common Behavioral Problems in

Preschoolers
Although they now have a sense of the world

around them, children at this stage still have
undeveloped emotional capacities. They are
unable to understand the emotional needs of
others around them. This is because they do not
yet understand their own emotional needs, or fully
understand what emotions are yet. Their brains
aren't developed enough to process emotions on
that level. Therefore, this stage is extremely
egocentric. Some common behavioral problems
are similar to the previous stage.
1. Fighting, not wanting to share.
2. Tantrums when their needs aren’t met

instantly.
3. Jealousy of siblings or peers.
4. Resentful or spiteful when they don’t get their

own way.
5. Provoking others to anger.
6. Blaming others for their own behavior such as

lying (i.e., “He did it!”)
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The answer is undeveloped emotional intelligence

and brain development. Even though they do not
yet have the full capacity to see things from
another perspective it is important to train them
and teach them.
Childhood is the training ground for the long

journey of life. We could easily look at each stage
and its limitations and say, “Oh well they will figure
it out eventually.”
I believe that we should be training and teaching

our kids early on in small ways. Then, when their
brains are more developed, they already have the
tools they need to navigate the next stage.
For example, a child at this stage may not

understand why their friend doesn’t want to play
ball. They may get upset when their friend says,
“No, I don’t want to play." To the child playing ball is
fun. So why wouldn’t their friend want to play?
They struggle to understand that others have

different needs, likes, and dislikes than they do.
Thus, their behavior can reflect this lack of
understanding. This can result in fights, tantrums,
and disagreements.
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If you have more than one child whose ages range

from 1-7 years old, sit and watch them interact
one afternoon. You will start to see that at least
one child will struggle to see things from the
perspective of the other. This is a big cause of
sibling fights at this stage.
Each wants their needs met, and yet does not

recognize that their sibling might have other
needs separate from their own. In their minds,
they are the center of the universe. They think
their needs are unique and are all that matter.
You’ll see this lack of understanding play out in
their behavioral patterns. It pays to know this,
especially if you have more than one small child.
Because of the havoc they can cause when they
fight. Not understanding the needs of others can
be the root cause of this behavior.
How to Manage Their Tricky Behavior
Managing their tricky behavior starts with

understanding the stage they are in. Much like the
previous stage where I asked you to imagine your
child as a little Einstein, imagine your child has
reached the next critical stage of training. They
just leveled up and now understand they have a
lot of power to get their needs met. Therefore,
they will often try and test out new ways to make
this happen.
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If you are focused on getting them to behave and

find yourself constantly battling with them it pays
to take a step back and understand how they see
the world. I’ve spoken to a few mothers whose
kids at this stage have started to learn name-
calling.
One mother was particularly heartbroken that her

preschooler daughter compared her to another
mother and said, “I wish you were like her.”
I fully understand how that can hurt. My son at

that stage said things like that too. I believe most
kids will go through the stage where they compare
their home, you, and their lives to others. It pays
to remember that the conclusions they draw are
based on their extremely limited understanding.
Remember they are just beginning to understand

that people are separate from them. When they
make comparisons they aren’t doing it to hurt you.
They are forming a mental map (schema) of their
world and the world outside of their home and
family environment.
They are beginning to understand that there are

kids whose mothers wear different clothes, eat
different foods, drive different cars, and act and
speak differently than you do.
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That’s the advice I gave this beautiful heartbroken

momma. It’s incredibly important to mentally
understand this because you may find yourself
becoming resentful towards your child. This may
unwittingly change your behavior towards them.
As a result, they will pick up on it and act out even
more. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Your child doesn’t understand how their words

and actions can affect other people emotionally.
Therefore, they are not trying to hurt you. All they
are doing is trying to figure out and explore the
world outside of their home by making
comparisons.
So how do you manage when your child compares

you badly to another mother?
1. Understand they are forming mental maps not

trying to hurt you.
2. Talk with them about the differences. Say, “Oh

boy you’ve noticed some differences!”
“Mary’s mom likes to wear pink lipstick, while I do

not.”
“What other differences can you see?” Make it into a

spot the difference game.
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Then you can say, “You have differences too.”
“You like apples, while Mary likes bananas.”
Doing this helps them build good mental maps of

the world. It helps them understand that
differences aren’t bad or good, they are just
different.
If you feel hurt about the things they say to you,

teach them about emotions. You can do this by
drawing different emotions out in pictures and
teach them that when you say this, ___ it makes
me feel like this ___.
Help them to understand their own emotions and

the emotions of others around them. This is
emotional intelligence training and will serve them
well in the future.
Kids at this stage can say hurtful things. They can

push you to the point where you start to resent
them. It can feel like climbing a mountain every
day only to fall back down to the bottom again. It
helps to understand their limitations and
strengths.
Help them develop schemas (mental maps) about

the world around them by encouraging them to
point out differences.
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Help them to understand how their words and

actions affect others by creating an emotions
chart and use moments when they fight to teach
them about emotions.
Remember they are in training. Much like you

were when you learned to ride a bike or started a
new job. You were probably wobbly and failed a
lot.
Eventually, because the adult or supervisor had

patience with you, and helped you to develop
personal skills, you became better. Eventually, you
mastered the new skill.
Your toddler will master emotional skills in time.

However, they will be more rounded in this
development when you purposely train them,
rather than waiting for it to develop on its own.
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1. Start teaching your child that differences aren’t
bad or good they are just different.
2. Help them to increase their emotional

intelligence by teaching them about different
emotions.
3. Use everyday examples to guide them.
4. Remember they are still highly logical at this

point.
5. Use logic to teach and guide them.
6. Start training them about their inner world and

how it interacts with their outer world.
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Childhood is the training
ground for a long journey -
the journey is life.
abel la
Ar e
Hill
Chapter 8
Middle Childhood
6-12 Years
Welcome to middle childhood. In the previous

stage, you learned that children are starting to
understand the differences between objects and
people in their environment. They are starting to
develop mental maps also known as schemas.
In the middle childhood stage, children are

continuing to develop the logical side of their
brains. Their thinking becomes more organized.
They start to learn about the art of conversation,
and their inductive reasoning sharpens.
In the previous stage, they learned the concept of

object permanence. Inductive reasoning builds
upon this prior learning. Using inductive
reasoning, children learn to make specific
observations about people and objects, then draw
general conclusions about them.
However, their conclusions may not be accurate.

You can see this at work when you converse with
them about objects or people they are familiar
with.
Some examples of this type of reasoning are;

Thinking because an orange is a fruit that grows
on a tree, all fruits must grow on trees. While their
logic is sound, the conclusion is false. It is based
on their limited understanding.
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When I taught children around this age, I often

conducted "the fruit test". I would ask them what
fruits grew on trees. Then I would test them by
asking if cookies grew on trees. We would test out
all possible theories.
I’d say,
“Do chickens grow on trees?”

“How about watermelons?”
This fun game using props and toys helped them

with their inductive reasoning. They learned that
while some fruits grow on trees, not all fruits do.
A few of my students thought that watermelons

and strawberries grew on trees. They came to this
conclusion because they like oranges and oranges
grow on trees. So, they concluded all of the other
fruits they like must grow on trees too! This is an
example of how kids around this age draw
conclusions about specific objects around them.
Here is another example of inductive reasoning.

Jamie observes that his friend Brad likes to wear
red sneakers every day. Jamie sees a character on
T.V. with the same name wearing red sneakers. He
draws the conclusion that all boys named Brad
like to wear red sneakers.
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You may notice that your child becomes more

argumentative. You may notice that they suddenly
develop a newfound confidence in their ability to
determine what’s true and what isn’t. At this stage,
they are very literal and concrete in their thinking.
This is because their ability to interpret nuances,

and understand body language and emotions
haven’t fully developed yet. Therefore, you may
start to see them act in bold ways. They will often
think they are right even if the conclusions they
draw are incorrect.
I saw this in my students during the fruit exercise.

Some of the kids were shocked that strawberries
do not grow on trees.
They would say,
“NO, NO TEACHER, THEY DO GROW ON TREES!”
I loved this part of my job. Seeing their little brains

at work trying to figure it out. To guide and correct
them I would ask them very logical questions such
as;
“Have you ever seen a strawberry tree with your own

eyes?”
“Have you ever been to a strawberry farm?”

195
I would tell them that I lived near a strawberry

farm. I showed them pictures of it and explained
how the strawberries are grown. This is a basic
example of guiding their faulty conclusions to
more precise ones. You must combat their illogical
conclusions with pure logic.
Guiding and correcting them in this way also helps

them develop their deductive reasoning and
conversational skills. You are teaching them to use
their critical thinking skills so they can see things
from another perspective.
If you get down in the muck with them and shout

back or argue with them they won’t learn. I know
it’s easy to do. Especially when your child becomes
a “know it all”. I remember that stage well. The
best way to guide and correct them is by
appealing to their highly logical matter-of-fact
thinking in a conversational style using evidence
such as, photographs.
When I did this in my classroom often the kids

would say, “Oh teacher! I didn’t know!” And we’d all
have a good laugh about it together. This also
taught them not to take themselves too seriously.
I corrected them in a gentle but fun way.
In the end, they learned something without feeling

belittled by me.
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That’s the secret to good leadership. If you can

learn to guide and correct your child using
conversational techniques, they won’t feel like you
are putting them down. They’ll laugh and they’ll
learn. To me, that’s the best outcome there is.
In later childhood, they become less egocentric

and thus more teachable. However, at this stage,
they are just starting to learn how other people
think and feel. In the previous stage, they learned
there are physical differences between two people
or objects that are similar.
Now they are learning that there are inner

differences too. They might start to notice that
others feel differently than they do. They start to
understand that their inner thoughts belong to
them and aren’t necessarily shared by everyone
around them.
Common Behavioral Problems
1.Know it all attitudes.
2.Arguments over silly things.
3.Feeling that they are struggling in some areas in

school, because their logical and reasoning
abilities may be slower compared to their peers.
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Brain development in the left pre-frontal cortex is

where inductive reasoning comes from. The pre-
frontal cortex is responsible largely for correct
decision making and risk-taking. I will talk more
about this in the teen's chapter. It doesn’t stop
developing until age 25. However, scientists have
discovered that it may be 30 years of age before
this region is fully developed in some individuals.
Use my conversational technique above to guide

and correct their faulty logic. Make sure you use
evidence such as photographs. Kids at this age are
searching for physical concrete clues in their
environments to learn.
Use props, toys, the internet, photos, and anything

you can to physically demonstrate the lesson you
are teaching them. Make it fun, light, and casual so
you don’t unwittingly end up belittling them which
could thwart their passion for learning. If a child at
this stage feels belittled by an adult, they may lose
their passion for exploration and learning.
This is because they are starting to look inward.

The last thing you want is for them to draw
inwardly, go quiet, and become afraid to speak up.
198

This stage is my most favorite stage of childhood.
They aren’t babies anymore and can do a lot of
things on their own. However, their logic can still
be way off. It’s fun to watch and observe them by
sitting and listening to them as they rant on about
something they are passionate about.
Watch them as they interact with their friends and

siblings. You’ll start to see patterns of inductive
reasoning and concrete logic come out in their
behavior.
In my humble opinion, they are super adorable.

Especially when they are wrong. It’s fun to talk to
them because some of the things they say are
wild. Do not see their behavior, or frustrations as
something negative. It’s just a phase of learning
and it’s totally ok.
Remember to guide and correct. Do not get

caught up in arguments with them. Doing so only
makes things worse, and you’ll both feel terrible.
So nobody wins. It might mean repeating yourself
a lot, but that’s parenthood and leadership in
general. If you stick at it, they will come around.
199
One last thing before we head to the next chapter.

I know it’s tough at this stage. In fact, all stages can
be tough in one way or another. It pays to be
reminded that the actions you take now will serve
you extremely well in the future.
This means that your child may not respond to

your guidance and correction right away, but
repetition creates habits, and all behaviors are
habits. Remember it takes 21 days to make or
break a habit and 62 days of consistency to make
it an automatic part of the brain’s responses. If
you are consistent, you’ll see a change in just a few
months.
As a teacher, sometimes it took three weeks to

turn a kid’s behavior around. However, for others,
it took a solid 12 weeks before I started to see
improvement. Think of it this way, you are training
new behavioral patterns in them. Like a tree seed,
the tree will not grow on day one. It grows with
sunlight, nurturing, and help over time.
If you sow the right seeds now, they will flourish in

the teen years. You’ll notice your hard work pay off
greatly when they bring home friends and you
start to see the differences in their maturity and
behavior. Keep at it, it’s worth it. Tough it out now
and you won’t have to tough it out in the same
way later.
200
Behaviors are habits.
Habits can be made and
broken in just 21 days.
abel la
Ar e
Hill
Chapter 9
Teens 13-19 Years
If you have a wild teen in your home right now

there is hope.
When I taught teens in the classroom, I noticed

that some of them were pretty wild. However, 12
weeks with me changes a lot.
Those once rude and moody teens became a lot

more respectful. I don’t have a magic pill for the
teen years, but I do see the root causes behind
their behavior.
If you have learned anything in this book so far is

that all behavior is communication. I'll teach you
more about this in this chapter.
Remember;
All behaviors are habits
Habits can take 21 days to make or break
Behavior communicates a core need or want
Discipline is about guiding and correcting.

Conversational techniques are key in the teen
years, especially when they start displaying signs
of moodiness.
201
All behavior is learned, and repeated behavioral

traits are habits. If you find the message you can
help guide them out of the mess by training new
habits in them.
Before I dive into the strategies for teens. Here’s

another important element I’ve learned along the
way that will help you. Sometimes we can look at
child-rearing as one long 18–21-year stretch. We
can become so overwhelmed with the weeds of
everyday life we can start to think it will always be
this way. If you have a wild teen, it can be
tempting to say "It's too late". However, it's never
too late. People can change at any age.
We can also become overwhelmed with the length

of childhood. Especially on the tough days. We can
start to think that this is how it will always be until
they move out. That type of thinking can bog you
down and drown out all the riches in the struggles
you are going through. I was right there. Some
days I wondered how I’d get through the next
week let alone the next 18 years.
Here’s a perspective that helped me. I learned to

break it up into phases. When you are tasked with
a big project like child-rearing it pays to break it up
into smaller pieces. That way you can start to see
each small part and how it works with the others
to create a whole.
202
A clock is comprised of many parts much like a car

engine. Each part is different and can be
separated from the others, but as a whole, they
work together. This is why I’ve broken this book up
into age phases. As you can see, each phase
doesn’t last more than a few years. They change a
lot during the transition from one phase to the
next. Wild teens can be turned around. It just
takes more work and time.
See through the behavior. Become an observer of

their growth. Take opportunities to watch them.
Observe and listen deeply to what they are saying,
and you’ll start to see their behavioral patterns
become more apparent.
You’ll start to see the messages their behavioral

traits are sending. Once you know the message
behind the behavior, you will understand how to
manage their behavior better. You’ll be able to
sow the right seeds in them through each phase.
Those seeds will grow over time to create long-
lasting behavioral change.
Here’s an example of how I managed the wild

behavior of my teen students. It would normally
take me about 12 weeks to turn it around. That’s
because I taught them twice a week and I’m not
their mother. It might take you more, or less time
than that, every child is different.
203
When a teen would start mouthing off to me. I

would stop what a was doing and used my famous
Grey Rock Method.
In a neutral tone of voice, I would ask them;
“Is there something you want me to help you with?”
“If there is I want you to ask me nicely.” “I will not help

you if you speak to me like that again.”
“In fact, I will put you out of the classroom until

you’ve learned to speak to me with respect.”
“I am speaking to you with respect.”
“I like you and I am here to help you.”
“If you want to learn like your friends are I am here.”
“If not, you can leave, and I will inform your parents.”
I would speak slowly. Without expression. Calmly,

with authority. Then I would pause. My body
language gave off nothing about what I was feeling
inside. These kids were used to teachers being
hyper-emotional and shouting at them. I did the
complete opposite. Do the opposite of what they
expect and you will have their attention.
204
I waited in silence for a response. Often kids in

that position wouldn’t say a lot because they were
confused as to why they couldn't get a reaction
out of me. They would quiet down, and then get
on with their work. I did this every single time with
every single student regardless of the time we had
left in class. It didn’t take long, but it was effective.
My little speech made them realize who was in

charge. It demonstrated that I wasn’t going to be
emotionally manipulated into losing my temper. It
showed them that I meant what I said, and I said
what I meant and I will not back down.
I did the same exercise at home with my son. If he

mouthed off at me or slammed doors I did the
exact same thing. I didn’t have to yell, but my voice
was authoritative, and my body language said I
mean business. Regardless of their age, kids will
try to test the boundaries from time to time. They
will push the limits to see where the breaks in the
defenses are.
They can scare you when they are older because

they are bigger and have more volatility in their
body language. If they start to get physical end the
conversation immediately. If you find yourself
yelling, stop and walk away. It’s not just a mindset
shift it’s a standard shift that needs to happen to
make it work.
205
A few of my personal standards when it comes to

children are;
If there is yelling or any physical fighting all bets

are off. I refuse to engage on any level if that's
going on.
I say what I mean. Even if I have to walk away to

take a breath the consequences still stand, will
stand and I will never back down from my word
ever!
If my students or child wants or needs something

they can ask me with respect as I’ve shown them
respect. If they don’t Grey Rock – They get
nothing.
Personal standards only work if you stick to them.

Eventually, your child will know what you are all
about. They will know that there is nothing in this
world that can get you to lower your
communication standards or change your mind
about a rule or consequence you’ve set. It’s
learning to be calm in the storm. Your silence and
consistency are your power.
Have you ever watched an action movie where the

hero is in the midst of a battle? Fires rage around
them and for a moment the camera zooms in. You
notice the determination on their face.
206
You see their body language shift to a posture of

strength. You notice their facial expressions
become stoic in their representation and they
move with scientific accuracy. You cheer them on
when they get knocked down and get right back
up. You will them to win even when it looks like
they may lose. They are calm, thoughtful, and
victorious.
That’s you. You are that hero, and the storm is

your child. They may be yelling at you, or creating
havoc in the home, but no matter what you are an
iron dome. You are strong, stable, capable, have
high standards, and will never back down from
them because that’s the stuff that heroes are
made of.
When you raise your standards, you change your

life. Set your standards high and internalize them.
Then communication with kids and others will
become much easier. Of course, if your child is
being violent, as in beating on you, a sibling,
smashing holes in the walls, that's abuse, so call
the police.
When the going gets rough we may find ourselves

nagging or provoking our kids to anger. Timing is
everything. If your teen has had a hard day or
displaying signs of stress, it may not be wise to
talk to them about serious matters.
207
Earlier in this book, I spoke about becoming a

detective and looking beyond the surface
behavior. I read a story I want to share with you
that illustrates this point.
This mother has high standards for how her home

is run. One of those standards is that shoes and
school bags must be put away. They can’t just be
thrown around the house. This is a great standard
to have and very reasonable. She also has high
standards for two-way communication.
One morning she woke up and saw her son's

school bag and shoes right at the bottom of the
stairs where someone could trip over them. She
was about to boil over because her standards
were breached. However, she also remembered
her personal standards of communication.
She put her detective hat on and calmed herself

down. She went into her son's room and calmly
asked him, “Did you have an eventful night last
night?”. She didn’t mention anything about the bag
or shoes. She put herself in the detective
headspace. She wanted to talk to him and see how
he was. He explained how stressed he was. He
had spent the night at his father’s home.
He explained that he had started his first shift as a

lifeguard. Something she had forgotten about.
208
He explained that after his shift he had to rush

home and jump on a Zoom call with his study
group. They were studying for a big exam coming
up.
She learned that her boy was exhausted. That he

hadn’t left his bag and shoes to intentionally make
her angry or violate her rules. He wasn’t thinking
properly when he came home and forgot about it.
I know this with my own teen – Teens forget.
Their bodies and brains are developing at

breakneck speed and sometimes the business of
growing up with school, peers, and puberty shuts
their brains down so they forget.
This mother is a business leader and her two

standards for communication are;
1.Always lead with curiosity (become a detective).

2.Assume positive intent.
I absolutely love her personal standards. If she

didn’t have those internal standards, she might
have boiled over, stormed upstairs, threw open
his door, and started sounding off. I know a lot of
parents who react first and think later with their
teen. This is what causes door slamming, and
saying things like, “I hate you I can’t wait to leave”,
and physical altercations.
209
Your kids will rise to your level. If you are shouting,

they will shout and then some. If you grab them
and dig your nails into their arm and threaten
them, when they are big enough, they will
overpower you.
If you slam doors and say, “I CAN’T DO THIS TODAY!”

Guess how they will act when they are stressed? If
you shrink back, become overly dramatic,
overreact, or make out that you are the victim,
guess what they will do? If you regularly get on the
defense with them guess how they will be in their
teens?
Good parenting is about having strong, clear

standards that you stick to and model for your
kids. This is how I was able to turn so-called, “hard
to teach teens” around in 12 weeks. This is why my
son comes and helps me with the dishes when I
ask him to without all the grumpiness. It’s because
I have set personal standards for communication,
and I live by them.
If I expect him to speak to me with respect, I better

be speaking to him with respect. It goes both
ways. If I expect my son to keep his bag in his
room, you better bet I will be keeping mine in my
room too. If I expect my son to follow my rules, I
better be following them myself. If I expect my son
to speak to me calmly, I better be setting the
example first. 210
Having high standards that I don’t back down from

doesn’t mean I am perfect. There have been times
where I’ve gone off on him. It’s rare, but it has
happened. There have been times where we
ended up shouting over the top of one another.
Eventually, my lesser evolved brain switched off
allowing my prefrontal cortex to remind me that
this is not the way.
During the times where I have caught myself out. I

immediately stopped and refused to go any
further and said, “I need to calm down.” “Let’s walk
away and talk in an hour.” We did and I apologized.
He did too and we made it better.
Good parenting is about having clear, strong

standards, knowing when you are wrong, and
repairing without blaming. Owing your part will
show them how to do the same. Some parents
wait for their teen to come to them, or wait for
them to start behaving before they’ll be
emotionally receptive to them. Doing this will send
the relationship into decline.
When I was a child, my parents would say, “You’re

just a child, you don’t get it, one day when you grow
up you will”. They trated us like we were incapable,
unintelligent and lower in value than they were.
211
I heard that same phrase often. Whenever I had a

question, that was their response. Whenever I
wanted to understand why the rules were set the
way they were that was the response. I have
always had a curious mind. I naturally ask
questions. That is how I understand myself and
the world around me. My parents saw my
questions as a threat to their authority and thus a
threat to their egos.
Sometimes your kids will question the rules you’ve

set because they learn by doing so. Saying,
“Because I told you so”, is not good enough.
Here are some of my personal standards. When

reading these think about your own personal
standards. What are they? What are they designed
to achieve? Do you stick to them, or cave in?
I will treat my son the way I treat anyone who has

a close and personal relationship with me. I will
treat him with respect. I will seek to understand
his perspective, his phase of learning and honor it
with appropriate responses and action. I will never
look down upon him, just because he is small.
Leaders lift people up. They do not pull them
down, belittle them, or lord themselves over those
they lead.
212
Real leaders lead with intent, integrity, and honor.

They model the behavior they wish to see and
stick at it even in the midst of the storm. They bear
the burdens of others. Even when those burdens
are hard to carry.
They do not load up those burdens upon those

they are leading. They get help from other
sources. Sources like this book and myself, who
can help in those tough times. Sources that help
you to shed the burden, to carry the load, and to
work through it. That’s what heroes are made of,
and I believe parents are the first heroes in any
child’s life.
If you want to Discipline Without Damage, you

must become a leader. You can start by raising
your standards and following through with
consistency. That’s the secret to successful
parenting. Yes, there will be times where your
crown slips. Mine still does from time to time.
Leaders recognize their own weaknesses and seek
to repair, so they can learn and move forward.
Now let’s talk about the scientific part of the teen

years. The teen years start from 12-13 years old.
These years are characterized by a stage Piaget
called, The Formal Operational Stage. During this
stage, your teen can think in abstract ways. They
learn how to reason and assess hypothetical
problems.
213
They begin to look inwardly and recognize their

own emotional state, and the emotional states of
others. They still may not understand why they
feel the way they do. However, they are beginning
to get a sense of it.
They begin to think about moral, political,

philosophical, ethical, and social issues. This
requires new thinking and reasoning skills. They
learn to couple their highly logical brain with the
more abstract part of their mind. They may
wonder about religion or the origins of life. They
may ask questions like “Why is the world the way it
is?” “Who made the rules and why?”
They may question life, rules, and pretty much

everything in their environment. You’ll see this
play out in their changed behavior.
This brings me to another perspective that helped

me as my son was growing. I saw each stage as a
chance to get to know him again. Each stage
builds upon the other. A child will change a lot
during each transition. Instead of fearing that my
child was changing too fast for me to keep up, I
saw it as an opportunity to help him discover
himself.
Moreover, I saw it as an opportunity for me to

discover who he was in the present.
214
I learned to let go of my assumptions about who

he is, and who I want him to be. I just let him be
who he was at that moment, at that stage, and let
him chop and change as much as he liked as he
worked out who he was in the world.
During this phase teens begin to develop

deductive logic. In the previous stage, they were
developing inductive reasoning skills. In this stage,
their deductive reasoning kicks in. Deductive
reasoning is being able to think from the general
to the specific.
An example of this is, all humans die at some

point. I am human. My parents are too. Therefore,
one day they will pass and so will I. They’ll also get
tested for this at school usually in math class.
They might be asked questions like,
“If all students love pizza and Claire is a student does

Claire eat pizza?”
I remember these types of questions at school and

wondered why they were asking absurd questions.
However, as a behavioral specialist, I see clearly

why kids are tested on this and encouraged in this
type of thinking.
215
It helps to develop their deductive reasoning

which serves them well later on. The outcome is
that they are more capable of seeing a problem
from varying angles and hypothesizing about
multiple potential solutions.
This gets them out of the either-or frame of mind

into the more abstract world with the shades of
grey we actually live in.
Common Behavioral Problems in Teens
1.Mood swings.
2. Sleeping/eating more than normal.
3.They feel exhausted most of the time making

their tempers more volatile.
4.They might have trouble sleeping, and or staying

asleep.
5.Ego-centric behavior.
6.Withdrawing from the family.
216
Hormones cause this behavior, along with rapid

body changes coupled with thought changes that
can seem frightening. Think of it this way, if you’re
a mother how do you feel at that time of the
month?
·Sweats
·Trouble sleeping
·Pain
·Grumpiness
·Moodiness
·Craving for more food
·Lethargy
What causes these symptoms?
Hormones!
Your teen is a walking hormonal factory right now.

Everything you feel monthly imagine that ramped
up double without the stomach pains.
Sprinkle in some peer pressure, and anxiety about

growing up, and you have a walking mood factory
in your house.
217
The key is to speak to them the way you would like

them to respond. I know this can be hard at any
stage of childhood. Especially when you’re tired
and frustrated. However, if you yell at them, you
shouldn’t be surprised when they yell back.
For example, let’s say your friend has an issue with

you. You promised to help her with something
important. She asked you a few times and each
time you told her yes, but never actually followed
through. Imagine your friend approaching you by
storming into your house throwing her hands up
in the air and yelling at you. How would you
respond?
Probably not very well. Your flight and fight

mechanism would override the rational part of
your brain and you’d go into full survival mode.
Which may result in throwing her out of your
house. How would your relationship be with her
after that?
Probably non-existent. It’s the same with your

teens. If you burst into their room, throw the
curtains open and start criticizing them guess
what happens? Their natural fight and flight
mechanism will kick in and it’s not going to be
pretty.
218
They will either match or exceed your energy and

aggression. Or shrink back and internalize it all
which can result in diminished self-esteem and
confidence. I think as parents we understand that
if someone came at us like that we’d probably
throw down on some level. However, so many
parents still behave like this towards their teens
and wonder why they struggle to manage their
behavior.
Sometimes it’s us that inadvertently create the

atmosphere for conflict in the home. The good
news is that it’s up to us to solve it, and it can be
solved. Even if the rift between you and your teen
is deep, it can be healed. It might take more time,
but it can be healed when they are ready.
Healing a rift between you and your teen requires

open, crisp, and clear communication on your
part. Be open with them about what has occurred
without blame. Own your part of the story and let
them know how their behavior made you feel.
Present solutions such as,
“Next time I feel frustrated at you like that, I’ll make

sure not to come to you when I’m angry”.
“Instead, I will come to you calm, ready to hear you

out so that we can come to a solution together as a
team”. 219
“Next time you feel upset, tired, or frustrated write it

down if you don’t feel that you can come to me about
it”.
“I might not have been open to hearing you out in the

past, but let’s turn the page and start again”.
If you are consistent and clear in your

communication and listen to them without blame
or judgment with the heart to help them find
solutions your relationship can heal and repair. It
also helps to talk to them about your teen years.
Tell them how you felt, your fears, and your
worries back then. It helps them to feel like they
aren't alone in this.
I remember telling my son about my teen years

and he said "I feel so much better now that what I
am going through is normal." Sometimes
understanding and empathy are all they need.
Another way to navigate their tricky behavior is to

support them in their efforts to become more of
an individual. A lot of teen aggression, especially
boys towards their fathers comes from internal
survival mechanisms. Much like juvenile male lions
they’ll push the boundaries and see where the
holes are in the armory in an attempt to assert
domination.
220
Be firm in the boundaries you set. Take an interest

in their development by providing them
opportunities to make decisions on their own. So
they can learn skills to look after themselves.
Doing this builds their confidence and self-esteem.
If you give them enough leeway to test and

explore, they won’t feel the need to push for more
autonomy.
However, if you’re too strict on them, pull them up

on every little mistake, and criticize them, you will
make them feel restricted and they’ll push back.
Working towards striking a balance is key.
If you want your teen to respect you, show them

respect. Have high standards for two-way
communication, and have clear consequences for
when boundaries are crossed.
Teens don't suddenly start acting out because

they've reached a certain age. Bad behavior does
not occur in a vacuum. If your teen is
disrespecting you via verbal abuse it started in
early childhood.
You may only notice it more now because of their

physical size. In chapter 11 I cover abusive
behavior in kids and what to do about it.
221

As your child grows up it can be tough on you
emotionally. Your child once depended on you for
everything and is now learning to make it on their
own. It can feel like there’s a void within you. They
change so fast. Once we get used to the way they
are they change. It can be hard to accept this
newfound independence.
I want to reassure and encourage you that you are

not alone. I felt this way too when my son hit 14. I
learned to accept where he was, and who he was
at the stage he was in. I learned to let go of my
preconceived ideas about who he should be and
just let him figure it out on his own with my
support.
It can be hard to let go on that level. Your teen

may or may not be a lot like you. In some respects,
my son is like me, but we are also quite different.
He likes different music and movies than I do. He
thinks about problems and the things he’s going
through differently.
I’ve learned to accept how different he is and allow

who he is to inform me. I’ve learned to learn from
him. To see the world from his perspective and to
honor our differences.
222
When dealing with their tricky behavior treat them

as you would want them to treat you. Think back
to your own childhood.
How did your parents interact with you?

How can you improve on that with your own child?
When I was a teen, the fights were about me

playing music or staying up late on the weekends.
With my own son, he likes to listen to loud music
too. So, I bought him a good pair of headphones.
He likes to stay up late. We’ve negotiated times
and days of the week where he is able to do that.
In this way, my teen gets what he wants, as do I.
So we both win. That is what I mean by balance.
Think about the issues you have with your teen

now.
What are they?
Write them down one by one. Your list might look

something like this;
1. Mood swings.
2. Argumentative behavior.
3. Staying up late.
4. Not cleaning their room.
223
Then rank them in terms of importance. Which

rule violations are the most critical to peace and
safety in your home? Perhaps cleaning their room
might not be as important as dealing with their
argumentative behavior.
Next, think about the number one issue on your

list. Let’s say it’s argumentative behavior. Write
down any patterns you recognize. When are they
the most argumentative? Are there certain times
or days where they are more argumentative than
others? I know some of you might say it’s all the
time, but nobody can be combative 24/7. There
are always clues and patterns. Dig deep, observe
and write them down.
For example, you might find they are the most

argumentative at night around dinner time. What
kind of day did they have before the last incident?
Are they getting enough sleep, the right amount of
food, water, and nutrients? Dehydration in itself
can cause mood swings and bad behavior. Once
you have ruled out the basic needs look deeper.
What’s going on with their peers? School life?

Investigate and write it all down. Now you’ll be
able to start to see some patterns forming. You
might notice that your teen is the most
argumentative around dinner during the week.
224
During the week they’ve been at school all day and

have been bombarded with information from all
sides.
Have they had time to decompress from that by

themselves in their room?
Or were they expected to do chores and interact

with siblings, or anything else of that nature?
Sometimes teens just need some time to

themselves. It doesn’t mean they are up to no
good. Sometimes they just need to zone out, not
think too much, laugh at some YouTube videos, or
gossip with their friends before doing chores
around the house.
You can do this for every issue on the list but

tackle one at a time. There are root causes to
every behavioral pattern. Dig deep and you’ll find
them. My son was constantly moody when he was
14. He was tired and seemed drained no matter
how much sleep he got. I dug deep and noticed he
wasn’t drinking a lot of water during the day.
Even though he had a filtered water bottle he

wasn’t getting enough water. So, I purchased large
bottles of spring water. Our tap water didn’t taste
very nice. A few weeks later his mood and sleep
improved.
225
Now I might have become angry with him, told

him to suck it up, or grow up and go to bed earlier.
The problem was dehydration and I only found
that out when I did the exercise above.
The fix for his behavior was incredibly easy.

However, if I misjudged the situation and went off
at him, it would have gotten a lot worse. This is
why it pays to take a step back, investigate and
write it all down.
Leaders don’t charge into volatile situations

without having thought through the problem first.
They identify the what, then the why. Then they

strategize and come up with potential solutions.
As a parent, you are a leader.
When you think like a leader you will discover a

power within you that you didn’t know was there.
226
Sharing stories about your
teen years will help your
adolescent to feel better
about the changes they
are going through.
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Chapter 10
Self-esteem, Emotional
Intelligence & Discipline
To date over 8,000 parents have leveled up their

parenting via my educational resources and you
are one of them.
I congratulate you because not all parents care

about their children’s development to the extent
you have. The fact that you’ve purchased this book
demonstrates to me the level of insight you have
into your own parenting
This is the second book in my Ultimate Guide

Series. My first book, The Ultimate Guide to
Promoting Positive Self-esteem in Children
focuses on teaching parents how to boost their
child’s self-esteem. It also highlights the 7-biggest
mistakes parents make that can destroy their
child’s self-esteem.
Parents learn the key characteristics of children

with low and high self-esteem. It also gives them
key insights on how to boost a child’s self-esteem
without giving them a trophy for showing up.
Purchasing this book was a great first step. The

next is taking action.
227
The action steps at the end of each chapter have

been designed to help you take action on what
you have learned. Remember no matter what kind
of day you’re having you can always start again
tomorrow.
No parent is perfect. Victorious Parenting is about

taking imperfect action diligently and consistently
while defining what Victorious looks like for you
and your family.
As you may have noticed, my approach is quite

different from other parenting educators. Because
I deal with the root cause of behavioral problems,
not just the surface. I feel that this approach
creates adaptable strategies that empower and
appeal to your sense of individuality. Rather than
laying down a strict set of parenting rules that you
must follow. Now you know more about discipline
than most of your peers. I hope that you will pay it
forward and share the insights you have learned
with your friends and family.
The way you discipline your child will affect the

perception they have of themselves and the world.
It can boost or lower their self-esteem.
Punishment, blame, shame, ridicule, name-calling,
yelling, and arguing do not lead to long-lasting
change. Instead, those defense mechanisms will
destroy the bond between parent and child.
228
Parents who guide and correct their children enjoy

richer relationships with them. These parents also
teach their kids the five pillars of emotional
intelligence.
The way you interact with your child when your

child is at his, or her worst will determine the
quality of your relationship in the long run. It’s
easy to be loving and nice when things are good,
but how about when things are bad? Do we then
throw it all out the window and resort back to our
base instincts?
Doing so would spell disaster for the family

dynamic. Instead, Disciplining Without Damage
takes patience and consistency. When you do this
successfully you are strengthening the bond
between you and your child. This creates a safe
space for them to grow and contributes to
building up their self-esteem.
However, there is more to this. You also need to

work on your own and your child’s emotional
intelligence. Learning to correct your own
behavior, and self-regulating is important because
your children will model you. We are all works in
progress and learning should be a lifetime pursuit
of growth, not something we do because we’ve hit
rock bottom.
229
When I learned the seven biggest mistakes that I

was making that were destroying my child’s self-
esteem I knew it was just the beginning. Over
time, I learned to Discipline Without Damage.
Next, I learned how to become more emotionally
intelligent, and how to foster that within my child
also.
It’s been over a decade since my inner journey

began. I knew I couldn’t keep all of this to myself. I
knew that there were other parents out there
struggling who would love the opportunity to learn
these skills, without going through the decade-
long journey I had to. This is why I do what I do.
This is why I created;
The Ultimate Guide to Promoting Positive Self-

esteem in Children
The Ultimate Guide to Disciplining Without

Damage for Every age
Unshakeable Confidence for kids – Foster the 5

pillars of emotional intelligence within
yourself and your child for ultimate success in
life.
230
All three topics intersect with one another and

each builds upon the other. You can’t boost your
child’s self-esteem if you’re unwittingly pulling
them down when they are pushing all of your
buttons.
Disciplining Without Damage is just the start to

helping your child succeed in life.
Increasing your own and your child’s emotional

intelligence helps you to understand the
emotional frameworks that contribute to success
in life in every area.
Our lives are relationally based. If you learn to

navigate these relationships with confidence and
strength, you will enjoy more success in life.
Because you will stay away from toxic individuals
and understand how to set healthy boundaries,
and will not become swamped by others. If you
work on building real self-esteem in your kids
instead of passing platitudes that don’t last, you
will see them thrive.
If you Discipline Without Damage you will create a

stronger bond with your kids. You will be able to
help them understand themselves on a deeper
level. So they will feel safe in a stable environment
rather than an unpredictable and volatile one.
231
If you try to boost your child’s self-esteem but are

unable to Discipline them Without Damage your
efforts won’t work. If you try to increase your
child’s emotional intelligence while committing to
behaviors that destroy their self-esteem, then it
won’t work. You need skills in all three spheres.
1. Self-esteem
2. Discipline
3. Emotional Intelligence
Pairing self-esteem, discipline, and emotional

intelligence together will make you a powerhouse.
What is emotional intelligence? We talked a bit

about EI in this book but let’s dive into specifics.
Emotional Intelligence is made up of five pillars.
The five pillars of Emotional Intelligence are;
1.Self-awareness
2.Emotional regulation
3.Self-motivation
4.Empathy
5.Social Intelligence
Self-awareness is the ability to label, recognize,

and understand your own emotions.
232
Emotional regulation is our ability to control

strong emotions without acting on raw feelings in
an impulsive or destructive manner. Emotional
regulation helps us to become proactive problem
solvers. This is an attribute everyone must have to
realize their goals and dreams in life.
According to the latest scientific research, self-

motivation is driven internally not externally. It
comes from a passion for the activity and a desire
for the outcome.
For example, although a child might not have a

passion for math, if she knows that completing
first-grade math is the only way to get to second
grade, she will work hard to accomplish that.
Empathy in its most basic form is the ability to

understand and share the feelings of another, but
the application is a lot deeper than that.
Socially intelligent kids are more likable. They get

along with a lot of different groups but aren't
confined to cliques. They carve out their own
destinies and know what to do in toxic peer-
pressured environments.
Social intelligence requires the first four pillars of

emotional intelligence to really work. It's the
summation of all the parts.
233
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in your kids is

crucial to their success in life but it takes long-term
thinking to achieve it. Scientists found kids with
high EI often experience higher levels of success
than their peers. Because EI teaches them skills
that impact their relationships.
We all wish better for our kids. Material things are

great. However, I’m sure you agree that the most
valuable tools we can give them are internal that
last a lifetime. One of the most important
elements in parenting is long-term thinking. This
can be hard when our kids are driving us up the
wall. However, the terrible two’s phase doesn’t
last. Defiant behavior fades away with strong
leadership in the home. The teen years shouldn’t
be something we fear but embrace.
It’s a lot easier to embrace these rapid changes

when we have support, and the tools to get there.
Disciplining Without Damage goes hand in hand

with learning how to increase your own and your
child’s emotional intelligence and boosting their
self-esteem. Understanding how to deal with their
kid's tricky behavior is what most parents I speak
to yearn for.
234
As you are putting the principles in this book into

practice be mindful of the other two spheres as
well. You won’t be able to tackle everything at
once. When you are ready have a look at the other
two resources I have that teach you about Self-
esteem and Emotional Intelligence.
All the information can be found on my website,

along with free resources such as my Victorious
Parenting Podcast and Blog.
Click the link below to learn more.

235
Self-esteem & Emotional
Intelligence go hand in
hand with Disciplining
Without Damage.
abel la
Ar e
Hill
Chapter 11
Abusive Behavior
Abusive behavior does not fall into the spectrum

of phase-related normalized behaviors. Abusive
behavior does not occur in a vacuum. It occurs as
a result of the child's environment as a whole.
There are some children with acute mental

disorders who are abusive. I have a cousin with
severe physical disabilities and she is abusive. I
have met children with cognitive disorders and
other brain disorders who are abusive as a result
of their disorder.
In this chapter I am not talking about children who

are abusive due to cognitive or mental illnesses. I
am talking about children who are abusive where
no other cause seems to be at play.
Abusive behavior can be, but not limited to, verbal

assaults upon you or others in the home. Physical
aggression such as punching the walls, throwing
objects, pushing or hitting you or others, and
threatening to harm themselves or others to get
their own way.
Abusive behavior should not be tolerated no

matter the age of the child. Sometimes small
children who display abusive behaviors have
parents who think the behavior is "cute", or
"funny" simply because they are small.
236
Allowing abusive behavior to slide when your child

is young will result in an abusive teen and adult
who is out of control.
Abusive behavior is an attempt to dominate, gain

power, and control. They do this to get their needs
met. It also points to a lack of problem-solving
skills within the child. They may feel powerless, so
exhibiting aggressive behavior makes them feel
powerful. Abusive behavior in teens does not start
in the teen years. It starts in early childhood.
When your child becomes abusive it can be easy

to back down. However, if you bend or change the
rules because they've thrown a tantrum, or
become abusive in any way then you are teaching
them to disrespect you from then on. You are
teaching them that they have power and control
over you and that your word means nothing.
As I've mentioned throughout this book the

human brain is designed for survival. Survival
means getting our needs met as fast as possible.
This is why people manipulate, abuse, and lie.
They need something either internal or external

and they use these maladaptive tools to get their
needs met.
237
If you allow your child to use manipulative or

abusive tactics to get their own way you are
setting them up for failure later on in life. They will
use those same tactics as adults when the
consequences are much greater.
Let's look deeper into the main reasons kids

become abusive.
1) They feel powerless. Using aggression makes

them feel more in control.
By now you should be starting to see past the

behavior to the message. Take a deep look at
reason number one.
If a child feels powerless it's because they feel that

they do not have control over the areas that are
important to them. If powerlessness is the cause it
will leave clues. As a parent-detective look at all
spheres of your child's life. What areas are they
pushing for more control in?
Is school life making them feel trapped? Do they

have enough space at home to decompress after a
tough day? Do you assume positive intent? Or do
you have a deep mistrust of them and charge in
guns blazing when they've screwed up?
238
If your child screws up and your response is on

the defensive rather than hanging back for a
moment to investigate why they screwed up.
There will be very little trust between you.
Investigate, ask, don't demand.
If someone demands respect from me guess what

they get?
Nothing.
If you demand your child or teen respects you just

because you are their parent you will get nothing.
Prove that you trust them by assuming positive
intent when they screw up.
Use the communicative tools in this book to

engage them in conversation. Keep your
standards high and do not bend the rules if
communication falls into the abusive category.
2) They lack problem-solving skills so they lash out

when frustrated. Kids do not lash out if they are
happy, or having a good day. Kids lash out when
they feel powerless, pushed to their limits, and
feel that they have no other tools to solve the
frustration they feel.
239
Often kids who are abusive lack the ability to

communicate their needs or frustrations properly.
This may be due to undiagnosed learning or
behavioral problems. It may be due to previous
trauma or family chaos. It may also be due to the
fact they do not feel that they can communicate to
you in a way that makes them feel heard and
understood. It may also be that you've let this
behavior slide and now they are bigger it's worse.
In this manner, aggression becomes a problem-

solving tool for them. They may not know how to
resolve the conflict within them or around them.
So aggression becomes a cry for help to get you to
solve the problem for them.
If you scream or yell back at them what problem

does it solve? It solves nothing. This is why my
Grey Rock Method is so powerful! The ability to
remain stoic in the face of chaos is your power!
Doing so changes the atmosphere in the home. If
you don't bring forth peace and calm, nobody will.
Let me tell you a story of something I encountered

in 2019. I live in a neighborhood with mixed class
systems. Down the road is a culdesac comprised
of homes that are government-owned. Everyone
in those homes are on government benefits. As a
result, they are poor and lack resources.
240
I live in a nicer street. I live in a complex that has a

swimming pool, air conditioning, and private
parking. The pool is in front of my house. One
night I heard noise outside. I opened the door and
saw a group of young teens from the culdesac
trying to break the pool gate to get into the pool
area. I knew where they were from as a I
recognized one of the kids.
They were almost successful at it until I arrived on

the scene. I stood behind my locked screen door
and asked them in a deep and authoritative voice
"What do you think you are doing?"
In my neighborhood, the police don't show up for

hours, if ever. So I knew it was up to me. The kids
seemed surprised by my posture and my tone of
voice. I didn't scream or yell. I didn't shout. I
lowered my tone so that my voice was deep, crisp,
and clear.
I stood there with my arms by my side like a statue

waiting for an answer. One of the boys came up to
my door and hurled abuse my way. He told me to
go away and what they were doing was none of
my business. I repeated my first question in the
exact same manner. He looked surprised at my
reaction and decided to push it further. He came
right up to my face with his fist clenched as if he
was going to hit me.
241
I stood there still like a statue. I didn't even blink. I

said nothing. When he realized that he could not
intimidate me he swore at me. I stood there still as
a statue. I did not react at all.
I repeated my first question in the exact same

manner. One of the teen girls started mouthing off
at me. I stood there unresponsive. They were
trying to eclit a reaction out of me they could not
get one.
When they had finished mouthing off. I said, "You

do not live here, I am calling the police and you are
on camera". "If you do not leave the police will catch
up with you".
I said it in the same stoic way. Two of the kids in

the group started to get worried. They saw my
nonreactive manner and knew I meant what I said
and I said what I meant.
The two kids told the others to leave. They said

they did not want to get into trouble. The first boy
came back to the door. He stared right at my face
and I stood there staring right back at him - right
in his eyes without any reaction whatsoever. He
didn't know what else to do and called me the B
word and walked off.
242
The two mouthy girls stayed behind. They were

determined to get into the pool area. I said to
them, "Hear that?" "The cops are on their way".
One of the girls said, "I don't care I've been arrested
before!" I said, "Ok, stand right there and you will be
arrested again in just a few minutes."
I said it in the same stoic, highly logical, matter-of-

fact, non-reactive manner as before. In the end,
they gave up and left.
That's the power of silence and not backing down.

These kids were using intimidation tactics to get
me to back down and I didn't. So let's dig deeper
into their behavior.
What was the need?
They wanted to get into the pool area at midnight

when it was locked, without being told off.
What tactics did they use?
Aggression, manipulation, and verbal abuse.
How did I respond?
I didn't react to their aggression. I remained calm

and stoic.
243
What was the result?
They realized they were not going to get their

needs met. They could not break the gate. There
was someone watching and the police had been
called. It wasn't easy, my heart was racing but I
stood my ground and filmed them to gather
evidence.
Now think of a scenario where your child used

abusive measures toward you or someone in the
home. Look deep and work backward.
What was the outcome?

How did you respond?
What were the abusive tactics they used?
What triggered the behavior?
Work backward to the beginning. Look deep. What

was the need behind the behavior? Did they want
to stay up all night? Go out with friends during the
week? Write it down.
The kids in my story had no other way of

communicating their needs. If they came to me
and said can we get into the pool? I would have
said no, it's too late the custodian has locked it.
However, if you ask the custodian during the day
he might let you come and have a swim. Instead,
they used aggression and they lost out.
244
Now that you understand why your child acted out

with aggression. Ask yourself if that need should
be filled by you or them?
Perhaps they acted out because you said no. They

wanted something they couldn't have. So they
abused you to bend your will. You must be ok with
your child struggling with the word no. They must
sit with it and process the no within them.
Dealing with someone telling you no is a social

problem that has to be solved inwardly. If you
cave into them after you've said no, you rob them
of the ability to solve this social problem within
themselves.
If I came to your house for tea and demanded my

own way after you said no, you'd throw me out the
door. So why are you letting your child do the
same to you? If you act like they are victimizing
you and shrink back and say, "Why are you doing
this to me?" The message you are sending is that
you are powerless, have lost all control, and that
your child is the one with all the power.
This is what the abusive child wants. They want

you to react and break down. They want to know
they have won. Do not battle with them.
245
They may have started the war, but you must end
it by refusing to participate by their rules.
The kids at my door tried to start a war. I refused

to play their game and in the end, I got my needs
met and they didn't. When your child successfully
bends your will to their way they quickly learn that
they can manipulate adults through inappropriate
behavior. This will permeate all areas of their lives.
They will act like this toward adults in school,

police, shopkeepers, librarians, and anyone else
who stands in their way of getting what they want
when they want it. Again this literally robs them
and thwarts their development in life.
Robbing your child of the ability to process difficult

emotions must stop now. It may not be easy to
remain stoic but practice it, and you'll do it
instinctively over time.
Do not bend your will to their ways. Remind

yourself that while your heart may be racing and
temper rising, if you give in, you thwart their
development, and rob yourself and others in your
home of long-term peace.
246
The Grey Rock Method deals with aggressive

behavior in the moment. It teaches them you
won't be pushed around in the future. Refusing to
bend the rules when they act aggressively will pay
off in the long run.
Earlier in this book, I talked about standards of

communication. Here's how it plays out with
abusive kids. Get a piece of paper and in marker
write, Abuse in this house will not be tolerated.
Sit down with your child at a time when they are

calm and appear to be open to talking to you.
Explain to them the new standards you've set.
Do not speak to them in an accusatory manner.

This will make them aggressive again. Instead, ask
them questions like this,
"If I spoke to you the way you speak to me, how

would it make you feel?"
Get them to look inward. Ask probing questions.

Turn the tables. Use real scenarios when they
were abusive and turn the tables to talk about
hypothetical situations where you act in the same
manner toward them. Get them to imagine how it
would feel to be in your shoes.
Ask them if they feel that behavior is acceptable.

247
If they try to justify their behavior or go off-topic

being them back on the topic using the method I
did when I dealt with the kids at the door. Repeat
the question and give them time to answer. Look
them in the eyes with curiosity, not judgment.
Conclude that the behavior is not acceptable and

that there should be and will be consequences for
it. Demonstrate to them the real-world
consequences for acting that way. Tell them that
from now on there will be zero tolerance for abuse
of any kind. Define abuse and write it down on
paper. Then write down the consequences if the
standards are broken.
If they try to fight with you - Grey Rock. If they try

to go off-topic repeat and proceed forward. If they
storm off in a huff. Let them, but when they come
back show them the paper on the wall. Let them
know that no matter how they act there are
consequences and they will be enacted by you.
If they become physically aggressive tell them that

you are going to call the police on them. Do it. Be a
person of your word. Let them know that you are
there to support them, but abuse will never be
tolerated. Let them know that sometimes it's up to
them to work out their frustration and that you
don't have all the answers.
248
Tonight while writing this, my son was frustrated.

He stormed into the living room and started
ranting. He wasn't angry at me, he was upset
because he was frustrated with something he was
trying to learn and couldn't. It was as if he was
demanding that I solve the problem for him.
I let him rant it out. I didn't stop him and tell him
to calm down. I stood there Grey Rock Style and
in a low, calm tone. I said to him, "I understand how
it feels to be frustrated like that, but ranting at the
top of your voice makes it worse, and you've made
me feel stressed out too."
"You've transferred your pain onto me and yet this is

something you must learn to solve yourself."
"I am here to listen to you, I am happy to do so, but

storming into the room and demanding I hear you
right now isn't the way."
I said, "In your life, you are going be frustrated and

it's ok to feel angry, but how you deal with it will
determine the outcome".
I said, "What is the outcome you want to achieve?"

He told me what it was and I said, "What steps do
you need to take to achieve that outcome?"
249
He said he didn't know. I said, "Think around the

problem, what resources on the internet do you have
that might help?" "Are there forums or websites?"
He started thinking inwardly and logically. I said,

"You will have to learn to sit with your frustration
son."
"I know it isn't pleasant to be frustrated, so take a

break and come back to it when you feel better."
A few hours later he came back to me and

apologized for ranting like that. He said he had
managed to solve the problem. I said, "How do you
feel now?" He said, "I feel absolutely relieved."
I said, "Let this feeling sink in deep, really feel it. This
is how it feels to sit with your frustration and work
through it until you solve the problem."
This is another example of how you can use

everyday situations to teach your kids to solve
their own problems. How to help them sit with
frustration and work through it to find a
resolution. Never let kids force your hand.
Sometimes they need to work things out
themselves. All you need to do is let them know
that you support them, are there to help them
think more clearly, but you will not solve it for
them.
250
The scenario with my son is an example of my

problem-solving conversation method.
Remember I said parents are leaders? Well,
leaders are problem solvers. However, you cannot
and should not be expected to solve all of your
child's problems.
Sometimes children will project onto you. They

feel frustrated inside and then lay blame on you
for something they did. Adults do this too. I had a
lady do this to me when I was in customer service.
She projected all her frustration onto me, blamed

me for it, and demanded I solve it for her. She had
been trying for hours to open an MP3 file with a
PDF reader. She had tried many different PDF
readers. This is why she was frustrated.
Instead of taking a step back and thinking about

the problem, sitting with her frustration and
asking for help nicely. She ranted, raved, and
demanded her own way. When she realized that
you cannot open MP3 files with PDF readers, she
ignored me and shrunk back. Instead of
apologizing for her error, she ghosted me. I put
this example in the book not to shame the woman
for making an error. I've made silly errors like this
and I am sure you have to. I included it to
demonstrate that this behavior permeates into
adulthood and destroys relationships of all kinds.
251
Moreover, this behavior in adulthood is immature

and embarrassing. If you allow your child to
project their frustrations onto you they will do it in
adulthood to others.
Abusive people of all kinds play the victim. I saw

this a lot in customer service. Adults would lie,
scheme, yell and threaten to get their needs met. I
bet if I peeked back into their childhoods I would
see their parents letting them get away with it.
If you lie to a customer service person to get your

own way you are being abusive. If you rant and
rave at someone you bought something from,
even if it's their mistake you are being abusive.
If you threaten or call names to try and get your

needs met you are abusive. If you blame others
for your mistakes and demand they solve them
you are abusive.
Abusive kids need your guidance. They need to be

shown the right path. If your child is abusive
towards you or others trying to appeal to their
sense of humanity won't work in the moment. You
can teach them during your conversations later,
but in the moment they need to know that this
behavior has consequences and it starts right
now.
252
Children who are actively participating in

dangerous behaviors should be placed under the
care of qualified health professionals. This
includes behaviors that endanger themselves or
others using their bodies, objects, or weapons.
If you are in crisis or danger, please contact a

qualified mental health provider in your area, a
crisis hotline, the police, a social worker, child
services or take your child to your local emergency
room for an immediate mental health evaluation.
Dangerous behavior requires professional help.

Help that needs to be conducted face to face with
a dedicated team of professionals. As I've stated in
this chapter, if your child has become physically
abusive walk away, and call for help right away.
Even though I've given an example of dealing with

teens at my door I called the police and I was not
alone in the house. Because they were at my front
door, I had to film them and watch them until the
police came so I had evidence to give them. Where
I live kids get off scot-free unless there is evidence.
I was safe behind my locked screen door. If your
child is harming or threatening to harm you or
others. Lock yourself and any other vulnerable
members into a safe room so they cannot hurt
you, until the police come.
253
Lastly, nothing changes if nothing changes.
As I mentioned at the start of this chapter. Abusive

behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum. If your child
is abusive it's because the family dynamic and
structure has been allowing them to do it.
If you want to turn this behavior around you need

the entire family on board. This isn't a one-child
issue, a teen issue, or anything else. This is a
family issue and it will take the entire family
working together to solve it.
Sit down with the whole family and set out the
new standards and consequences. Ask each
member of the family how they would feel if they
were abused in this way? Agree upon a standard
together. Make a pact. Unify yourselves.
If you have an abusive child there is hope, but

hope without action is pointless. Take action now.
Put these strategies into practice. Look BEYOND
the behavior to the message. Decide if it's your job
to solve it or not. Remain stoic, never back down
or bend the rules. Do not play the victim.
You are in control.

You are not powerless.
Believe it and act on it.
Then peace will come.
254
You are in control. You are
not powerless. Believe it
and act on it and peace
will come.
abel la
Ar e
Hill
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Downloadables & More
Podcast Episodes
Here you'll find my podcasts relating to self-esteem
and other behaviors.
When Your Child Hurts Your Feelings
https://anchor.fm/victoriousparenting/episodes/E3
8-When-Your-Child-Hurts-Your-Feelings-e18qpl0/a-
a6n46k4
Overcoming Worry
4-Overcoming-Worry-e18eg2c/a-a6lj0v5
Effort & Reward
1-Effort--Reward-euns0e/a-a4d8vjo
The Fallacy of More
5-The-Fallacy-of-More-et69np/a-a4d8vjo
Blog Posts
Here you'll find my blog posts relating to self-esteem
and other behaviors.
5 Ways to Build Self-Confidence
https://victoriousparenting.com/blog/5-ways-
parents-can-build-confidence
A Formula for Kids Who Won't Listen
https://victoriousparenting.com/blog/a-formula-
for-kids-who-won-t-listen.
8 Tips to boost self-esteem in Children
https://victoriousparenting.com/blog/8-tips-to-
boost-your-child-s-self-esteem
Overcoming the Fear of Failure
https://victoriousparenting.com/blog/overcoming-
the-fear-of-failure
Free Downloadables
The Sphere of Control - A tool for Anxiety
https://victoriousparenting.com/the-sphere-of-
control
Self-esteem Quiz
https://victoriousparenting.com/self-esteem-quiz
Digital Notebook
https://victoriousparenting.com/victorious-
parenting-digital-notebook
Logical Consequences
https://victoriousparenting.com/logical-
consequences
Behavior Management Strategies
https://victoriousparenting.com/behavioral-
management-strategies
The Grey Rock Method
https://www.facebook.com/groups/victoriouspare
ntingbookclub
My Facebook
Groups
Victorious Parenting Book Club
This group is where you'll find customer-related

resources like the Grey Rock Method, and support.
Proof of purchase is required to enter. You cannot
invite your friends or family unless they are a
customer. This group contains bonus materials that
are not available to the public.
ntingbookclub
Victorious Parenting Community

This group is open to everyone. It's a place to access
my public resources and find support from the
parenting community. You are welcome to invite your
friends and family to this group.
nting
Subscribe to
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The Ultimate Guide To Disciplining Without Damage For Every Age

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VICTORIOUS PARENTING PRESENTS

The Ultimate Guide to Promoting Positive Self-

Discover The 7-BIGGEST Mistakes Parents Make

Arabella Hille, BSocSc(Behavioural Studies)

The Ultimate Guide to

Arabella Hille, BSocSc(Behavioural

Copyright © 2022 Arabella Hille, and Victorious

The moral right of this author has been asserted. All

First published online by Arabella Hille and

Other resources by this author.

The examples in this book are used to illustrate

Apart from my own, no real names have been

It has been written to provide helpful and

It is sold with the understanding that the author

This book is not a replacement for professional

Ch.1 Disciplining Without Damage................26

Ch.2 The Four Styles Of Parenting.................59

Ch.3 Obedience & Conformity........................90

Ch.4 What To Do When You Lose It.............112

Ch.5 How to Manage Defiant Behavior.......138

Ch.6 Toddlers 1-3 Years Old.........................167

Ch.8 Middle Childhood 6-12 Years...............193

Ch.9 Teens 13-19 Years.................................201

Ch.10 Self-esteem, Emotional Intelligence

Ch.11 Abusive Behavior .................................236

Bonus Chapter: Downloadable's & More.....255

Your decision to purchase this resource may turn out

My name is Arabella Hille, and for the last ten years, I

The topic of juvenile behavior is personal to me.

I’ve always had a close relationship with my son.So to

His school wasn’t much help. Only one teacher was

Because of the lack of support from the school, and

I was beside myself and wanted to make sure my son

I dove into the fields of psychology, sociology, social

Studying behavior became my full-time passion and

I was successful in my mission. My son healed and

This is why I am so extremely passionate about

I never give up. Giving up and putting things in the

This book is a part of my Ultimate Guide series that

This book will help you to understand the root causes

This book reflects two of my personal principles.

2. “All behavior is a form of communication.”

Let’s look at the first principle.

Sometimes when faced with a problem, it can feel like

There is nothing you are going through that someone

Think about a pressing problem in your parenting

If you change your maladaptive thinking from “This

When you change your thinking, solutions will come

That’s the power of changing your perception and

However, when I dealt with my learned helplessness

Why do shifts in perception lead to solving problems?

The reason is inattentional blindness. This is when

Ever seen someone cross the street staring down at

If you focus on a lack of resources, tools, ability, and

However, if you refocus your attention from problem-

Let’s look at the second principle this book is guided

“All behavior is a form of communication.”

What is seen on the outside is often a symptom of