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Project Management A Managerial

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Meredith Project Management 10e Test Bank

Chapter 6

Multiple Choice

1. The project plan must be designed in such a way that the project outcome
meets __________.
a) the objectives of the parent organization
b) unauthorized requests for change in the project outcome
c) the requirements associated with scope creep
d) only the expressed warranties identified in the contract

Ans: a
Section Reference: Introduction
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Analysis
Page: 189

2. __________ is the tendency for the project objectives to be changed with little
or no discussion with other parties actively engaged in the project.
a) Scope reference
b) Scope creep
c) Effectiveness
d) Hierarchical planning

Ans: b
Section Reference: Introduction
Level: Intermediate
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Communication
Page: 189

3. The __________ of a project includes the objectives of the project as well as


the time and cost required to complete the project to the customer’s satisfaction.
a) scope
b) change order
c) outcome
d) purpose

Ans: a
Section Reference: Introduction
Level: Intermediate
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Communication
Page: 189

Copyright ©2018 John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 5-1


Meredith Project Management 10e Test Bank

4. The __________ of a project includes the objectives of the project as well as


the time and cost required to complete the project to the customer’s satisfaction.
a) scope
b) change order
c) outcome
d) purpose

Ans: a
Section Reference: Introduction
Level: Intermediate
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Communication
Page: 189

5. The physical items to be delivered from a project are called __________.


a) materials lists
b) deliverables
c) milestones
d) risk factors

Ans: b
Section Reference: Introduction
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Communications
Page: 190

6. The success of the project launch meeting is dependent on the existence of


__________.
a) a project charter
b) the project's scope statement
c) a well-defined set of objectives for the project
d) project planning templates

Ans: c
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Intermediate
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Communication
Page: 191

7. Having key stakeholders involved early in the project tends to

a) increase communication errors


b) increase project risk
c) create buy-in

Copyright ©2018 John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 5-2


Meredith Project Management 10e Test Bank

d) create more problems than it is worth

Ans: c
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Intermediate
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Communications
Page: 191

8. The sponsor and key stakeholders should participate in the project launch
meeting for all of the following purposes except

a) agreeing on top deliverables


b) discussing resourcing
c) finalizing contract details
d) establishing scheduling tolerances

Ans: c
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Intermediate
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Communications
Page: 191

9. A __________ must be submitted for any changes requested after the project
plan has been approved.
a) change permission form
b) change form
c) change requirement application
d) change order

Ans: d
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Communications
Page: 192

10. Planning a project should result in a number of outputs. Which of the


following is not one of those outcomes?
a) Technical scope is established
b) Basic areas of performance responsibility are accepted by the participants
c) Every possible risk is identified and a contingency plan is developed
d) Any tentative delivery dates or budgets and their tolerances set by the parent
organization are clearly noted

Copyright ©2018 John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 5-3


Meredith Project Management 10e Test Bank

Ans: c
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom's: Application
AACSB: Communication
Page: 192

11. When the project is to deliver a product/service to an outside client, the


project’s scope cannot be altered without whose permission?
a) Senior management
b) Project management
c) Project Engineer
d) Client

Ans: d
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom's: Application
AACSB: Communication
Page: 193

12. A useful tool for facilitating the management of changes to a project’s scope
is the

a) requirements traceability matrix


b) WBS
c) project charter
d) mind map

Ans: a
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Communications
Page: 193

13. This project plan element describes both the managerial and the technical
approaches to the work. The technical discussion describes the relationship of
the project to available technologies.
a) Overview
b) Objectives
c) General approach
d) Contractual aspects

Ans: a
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning

Copyright ©2018 John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 5-4


Meredith Project Management 10e Test Bank

Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Communication
Page: 194

14. This project plan element should include profit and competitive goals as well
as technical goals.
a) Overview
b) Objectives
c) General approach
d) Contractual aspects

Ans: b
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Communication
Page: 194

15. This project plan element lists all milestone events. It identifies the estimated
time for each task and is used to construct the master project schedule.
a) Budget
b) Schedule
c) Personnel plan
d) Evaluation methods

Ans: b
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Communication
Page: 194

16. This element of the project plan lists all milestone events and/or phase-gates.
a) Schedule
b) Resources
c) Personnel
d) Evaluation methods

Ans: a
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Communication
Page: 195

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Meredith Project Management 10e Test Bank

17. This element of the project plan, at a high-level, this covers potential
problems as well as potential lucky breaks that could affect the project.
a) Schedule
b) Resources
c) Risk management plans
d) Evaluation methods

Ans: c
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Communication
Page: 195

18. This element of the project plan contains a brief description of the procedure
to be followed in monitoring, collecting, storing, and evaluating the history of the
project.
a) Schedule
b) Resources
c) Personnel
d) Evaluation methods

Ans: d
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Communication
Page: 195

19. Once the project charter is completed and the project approved, a more
detailed project plan can be developed. Which of the following issues is not
addressed in the detailed project plan?
a) The process for managing change
b) The salary for the project manager
c) A plan for communicating with and managing stakeholders
d) Establishing the cost baseline for the project

Ans: b
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Communication
Page: 195-196

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Meredith Project Management 10e Test Bank

20. Once the project charter is completed and the project approved, a more
detailed project plan can be developed. Which of the following issues is not
addressed in the detailed project plan?
a) Developing a plan for managing the human resources assigned to the project
b) Developing a plan for continuously monitoring and improving project work
processes
c) Developing the Work Breakdown Structure
d) Developing a list of skilled workers to hire

Ans: d
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Communication
Page: 195-196

21. Project managers can rely on the ____ side of their brain for analytical
reasoning and on the _____ side of their brain for creativity.
a) left, right
b) right, left
c) upper, lower
d) lower, upper

Ans: a
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Analysis
Page: 196

22. When using the mind mapping process, you should designate one team
member as the _______________ to ensure that all team members are involved
and contributing, and to ensure that team members are focusing on the work that
must be done.
a) planner
b) facilitator
c) contractor
d) manager

Ans: b
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Intermediate
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Analysis
Page: 198

Copyright ©2018 John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 5-7


Meredith Project Management 10e Test Bank

23. Unfortunately, it is all too common for projects to go over budget and/or be
completed late. What is the main reason?
a) An improperly constructed WBS
b) Too much scope creep
c) An unplanned for risk event
d) Insufficient upfront planning

Ans: d
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Analysis
Page: 198

24. Which of the following is not another name for stage gates?
a) Phase gates
b) Quality gates
c) Transition points
d) Toll gates

Ans: c
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Analysis
Page: 200

25. __________is an approach that breaks the planning task down into the
activities that must be done in each managerial level of the organization.
Typically, the upper level sets the objectives for the next lower level.
a) Strategic planning
b) Organizational planning
c) Hierarchical planning
d) Agile planning

Ans: c
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Intermediate
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Communications
Page: 201

26. During initial project planning, activities are identified and sorted. In
completing this process, each level in the hierarchy should limit the number of
activities to a range between __________.
a) 5 to 10 activities

Copyright ©2018 John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 5-8


Meredith Project Management 10e Test Bank

b) 0 to 5 activities
c) 2 to 20 activities
d) 10 to 20 activities

Ans: c
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Intermediate
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Analysis
Page: 201

27. When using a WBS, all of the work should roll up to the next level such that
no extra work is required. This is referred to as the ____________________.
a) Development rule
b) All-inclusive rule
c) 100% rule
d) WBS rule

Ans: c
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Analysis
Page: 201

28. The __________is a list of the project activities with major activities broken
down into subactivities.
a) linear responsibility chart
b) PCMCIA
c) activity prioritization
d) WBS

Ans: d
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Communication
Page: 203

29. The __________ chart is a tree diagram used to represent a hierarchical


plan.
a) PERT
b) GANTT
c) PMBOK
d) Gozinto

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Meredith Project Management 10e Test Bank

Ans: d
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Communications
Page: 203

30. The __________ is a specialized view of the action plan that focuses on who
has what responsibility for each project task.
a) resource histogram
b) linear responsibility chart
c) project team directory
d) scope management plan

Ans: b
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: difficult
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Communication
Page: 209

31. RACI stands for


a) responsive, accountable, consult, inform
b) responsible, accountable, consult, inform
c) responsive, accountable, consult, integrate
d) responsible, admissible, consult, integrate

Ans: b
Section Reference: 6.2 Agile Project Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Analysis
Page: 209

32. A(n) __________ displays the organizational units responsible for each of the
various work elements in the WBS.
a) RBS
b) OBS
c) WBS
d) LBS

Ans: b
Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning
Level: Intermediate
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Communications

Copyright ©2018 John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 5-10


Meredith Project Management 10e Test Bank

Page: 209

33. For projects that are constantly changing, the ____________ methodology is
recommended.
a) waterfall
b) agile
c) adaptable
d) organic

Ans: b
Section Reference: 6.2 Agile Project Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Analysis
Page: 210

34. There are 12 Agile Principles to guide the implementation of Agile Project
Management (APM). Which of the following is not one of those 12 principles?
a) Our highest priority is to satisfy the customer through early and continuous
delivery of valuable software.
b) Define all of the requirements up-front so that changes are minimized later in
the process.
c) Deliver working software frequently, from a couple of weeks to a couple of
months.
d) Business people and developers must work together daily throughout the
project.

Ans: b
Section Reference: 6.2 Agile Project Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Analysis
Page: 211

35. There are 12 Agile Principles to guide the implementation of Agile Project
Management (APM). Which of the following is not one of those 12 principles?
a) Build projects around the most qualified individuals.
b) The most efficient and effective method of conveying information to and within
a development team is face-to-face conversation.
c) Working software is the primary measure of progress.
d) Agile processes promote sustainable development.

Ans: a
Section Reference: 6.2 Agile Project Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Comprehension

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Meredith Project Management 10e Test Bank

AACSB: Analysis
Page: 211

36. There are 12 Agile Principles to guide the implementation of Agile Project
Management (APM). Which of the following is not one of those 12 principles?
a) Continuous attention to technical excellence and good design enhances
agility.
b) Efficiency-the art of maximizing the amount of work that is accomplished in a
given period of time-is essential.
c) The best architectures, requirements, and designs emerge from self-
organizing teams.
d) At regular intervals, the team reflects on how to become more effective, then
tunes and adjusts its behavior accordingly.

Ans: b
Section Reference: 6.2 Agile Project Planning
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Analysis
Page: 211

37. In an agile project, teams are given several requirements but only deal with
one at a time, with each iteration being referred to as a __________.
a) sprint
b) deliverable
c) WBS
d) control

Ans: a
Section Reference: 6.2 Agile Project Planning
Level: Intermediate
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Analysis
Page: 212-213

38. Agile IT project teams are typically __________ and located at __________.
a) large, a single site
b) small, multiple sites
c) large, multiple sites
d) small, a single site

Ans: d
Section Reference: 6.2 Agile Project Planning
Level: Intermediate
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Analysis

Copyright ©2018 John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 5-12


Meredith Project Management 10e Test Bank

Page: 213

39. The process of coordinating the work and timing of the different groups
working on multidisciplinary teams is called __________.
a) procurement management
b) integration management
c) vertical management
d) matrix management

Ans: b
Section Reference: 6.3 Coordination Through Integration
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Communication
Page: 215

40. The set of physical elements required to build a project is called the
__________.
a) bill of materials
b) deliverable
c) milestone list
d) work statement

Ans: a
Section Reference: Glossary
Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Knowledge
AACSB: Communications
Page: 219

Essay

41. Identify four important outcomes associated with the project launch meeting.

Ans: The technical scope should be established. Participants should accept the
basic areas for performance responsibility. Tentative schedules and budgets are
spelled out for the overall project. A group to manage risk has been created.

Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning


Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Communication
Page: 192

42. Describe how a risk management plan is developed.

Copyright ©2018 John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 5-13


Meredith Project Management 10e Test Bank

Ans: The risk management group develops a risk management plan that includes
proposed methodologies for managing risk, the group’s budget, schedule, criteria
for dealing with risk, and required reports. Further, necessary inputs to the risk
data base are described and various roles and responsibilities for group
members are spelled out. It must be emphasized that the process of managing
risk is not a static process. Rather, it is ongoing, with constant updating as more
risks are identified, as some risks vanish, as others are mitigated—in other words
as reality replaces conjecture—and new conjecture replaces old conjecture.

Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning


Level: Intermediate
Bloom’s: Analysis
AACSB: Communication
Page: 192

43. Identify two objections commonly raised by marketing organizations against


the early participation by engineering and manufacturing in the selling process to
external customers. Explain how you would counter these objections.

Ans: The sales arm of the organization is trained to sell. It is expected to be fully
conversant with all technical aspects of the firm's products and services. In
addition, salespeople are expected to be knowledgeable about design and
manufacturing lead times and schedules. On the other hand, it is widely assumed
by marketing that manufacturing and design engineers do not understand sales
techniques. Moreover, there may be legitimate concerns about the
appropriateness and effectiveness of interpersonal communications due to the
lack of formal training in selling processes. And finally, it is expensive to invest
high-priced technical talent for proposals with a relatively low probability of
success.

Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning


Level: Intermediate
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Analysis
Page: 193

44. Describe the general steps recommended by the authors for designing and
using the WBS.

Ans: Step 1: Using information from the action plan, list the task breakdown in
excessively finer levels of detail. Continue until all meaningful tasks for work
packages have been identified. Each task should be at a level of detail such that
it can be individually planned, budgeted, scheduled, monitored, and controlled.
Step 2: For each work package, identify the data relevant to the WBS. It is helpful
to construct a linear responsibility chart to show who is responsible for what. The
LRC will help the PM keep track of who must approve what and who must report

Copyright ©2018 John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 5-14


Meredith Project Management 10e Test Bank

to whom. Step 3: All work package information should be reviewed with the
individuals or organizations responsible for doing or supporting the work. This
review should verify the WBS’s accuracy. Step 4: The project budget should
consist of four elements. They are: direct budgets from each task, an indirect
costs budget for the project, a project contingency for unexpected emergencies,
and any residual, which includes a profit derived from the project. Step 5:
Schedule information and milestones should be integrated into a project master
schedule. Step 6: During project execution, the project manager will compare
actual resource usage by work element, work package, task and so on against
the planned amounts for those items. This will enable the project manager to
refine estimates and initiate appropriate corrective actions as necessary. Step 7:
The schedule will be analyzed in the same manner as the budget.

Section Reference: 6.1 Traditional Project Activity Planning


Level: Easy
Bloom’s: Comprehension
AACSB: Analysis
Page: 201

Copyright ©2018 John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 5-15


Another random document with
no related content on Scribd:
William Cullen Bryant, like most of the New England poets, was
not often humorous in his work. Perhaps the nearest he came to it
was in his Lines to a Mosquito.
TO A MOSQUITO
Fair insect! that with threadlike legs spread out,
And blood-extracting bill and filmy wing,
Dost murmur, as thou slowly sail’st about,
In pitiless ears, full many a plaintive thing,
And tell how little our large veins should bleed,
Would we but yield them to thy bitter need?

Unwillingly, I own, and, what is worse,


Full angrily men harken to thy plaint;
Thou gettest many a brush and many a curse,
For saying thou art gaunt and starved and faint.
Even the old beggar, while he asks for food,
Would kill thee, hapless stranger, if he could.

I call thee stranger, for the town, I ween,


Has not the honor of so proud a birth—
Thou com’st from Jersey meadows, fresh and green,
The offspring of the gods, though born on earth;
For Titan was thy sire, and fair was she,
The ocean nymph that nursed thy infancy.

Beneath the rushes was thy cradle swung,


And when at length thy gauzy wings grew strong,
Abroad to gentle airs their folds were flung,
Rose in the sky, and bore thee soft along;
The south wind breathed to waft thee on thy way,
And danced and shone beneath the billowy bay.

Calm rose afar the city spires, and thence


Came the deep murmur of its throng of men,
And as its grateful odors met thy sense,
They seemed the perfumes of thy native fen.
Fair lay its crowded streets, and at the sight
Thy tiny song grew shriller with delight.

At length thy pinion fluttered in Broadway—


Ah, there were fairy steps, and white necks kissed
By wanton airs, and eyes whose killing ray
Shone through the snowy veils like stars through mist;
And fresh as morn, on many a cheek and chin,
Bloomed the bright blood through the transparent skin.

Sure these were sights to tempt an anchorite!


What! do I hear thy slender voice complain?
Thou wailest when I talk of beauty’s light,
As if it brought the memory of pain.
Thou art a wayward being—well—come near,
And pour thy tale of sorrow in mine ear.

What say’st thou, slanderer! rouge makes thee sick?


And China Bloom at best is sorry food?
And Rowland’s Kalydor, if laid on thick,
Poisons the thirsty wretch that bores for blood.
Go! ’Twas a just reward that met thy crime—
But shun the sacrilege another time.

That bloom was made to look at—not to touch;


To worship—not approach—that radiant white;
And well might sudden vengeance light on such
As dared, like thee, most impiously to bite.
Thou shouldst have gazed at distance and admired—
Murmur’d thy admiration and retired.

Thou’rt welcome to the town—but why come here


To bleed a brother poet, gaunt like thee?
Alas! the little blood I have is dear,
And thin will be the banquet drawn from me.
Look round—the pale-eyed sisters in my cell,
Thy old acquaintance, Song and Famine, dwell.

Try some plump alderman, and suck the blood


Enrich’d by gen’rous wine and costly meat;
On well-filled skins, sleek as thy native mud,
Fix thy light pump, and press thy freckled feet.
Go to the men for whom, in ocean’s halls,
The oyster breeds and the green turtle sprawls.

There corks are drawn, and the red vintage flows,


To fill the swelling veins for thee, and now
The ruddy cheek, and now the ruddier nose
Shall tempt thee, as thou flittest round the brow;
And when the hour of sleep its quiet brings,
No angry hand shall rise to brush thy wings.

Fitz-Greene Halleck wrote much in collaboration with Joseph


Rodman Drake, and it is often difficult to separate their work.
ODE TO FORTUNE
Fair lady with the bandaged eye!
I’ll pardon all thy scurvy tricks,
So thou wilt cut me, and deny
Alike thy kisses and thy kicks:
I’m quite contented as I am,
Have cash to keep my duns at bay,
Can choose between beefsteaks and ham,
And drink Madeira every day.

My station is the middle rank,


My fortune—just a competence—
Ten thousand in the Franklin Bank,
And twenty in the six per cents;
No amorous chains my heart enthrall,
I neither borrow, lend, nor sell;
Fearless I roam the City Hall,
And bite my thumb at Sheriff Bell.

The horse that twice a week I ride


At Mother Dawson’s eats his fill;
My books at Goodrich’s abide,
My country-seat is Weehawk hill;
My morning lounge is Eastburn’s shop,
At Poppleton’s I take my lunch,
Niblo prepares my mutton-chop,
And Jennings makes my whiskey-punch.

When merry, I the hours amuse


By squibbing Bucktails, Guards, and Balls,
And when I’m troubled with the blues
Damn Clinton and abuse cards:
Then, Fortune, since I ask no prize,
At least preserve me from thy frown!
The man who don’t attempt to rise
’Twere cruelty to tumble down.
Albert Gorton Greene also wrote in the manner of his English
forebears, indeed, his Old Grimes is quite in line with Tom Hood or
Goldsmith.
OLD CHIMES
Old Grimes is dead; that good old man
We never shall see more:
He used to wear a long, black coat,
All buttoned down before.

His heart was open as the day,


His feelings all were true;
His hair was some inclined to gray—
He wore it in a queue.

Whene’er he heard the voice of pain,


His breast with pity burn’d;
The large, round head upon his cane
From ivory was turn’d.

Kind words he ever had for all;


He knew no base design:
His eyes were dark and rather small,
His nose was aquiline.

He lived at peace with all mankind.


In friendship he was true:
His coat had pocket-holes behind,
His pantaloons were blue.

Unharm’d, the sin which earth pollutes


He pass’d securely o’er,
And never wore a pair of boots
For thirty years or more.

But good old Grimes is now at rest,


Nor fears misfortune’s frown:
He wore a double-breasted vest—
The stripes ran up and down.

He modest merit sought to find,


And pay it its desert:
He had no malice in his mind,
No ruffles on his shirt.

His neighbors he did not abuse—


Was sociable and gay:
He wore large buckles on his shoes
And changed them every day.

His knowledge, hid from public gaze,


He did not bring to view,
Nor made a noise, town-meeting days,
As many people do.

His worldly goods he never threw


In trust to fortune’s chances,
But lived (as all his brothers do)
In easy circumstances.

Thus undisturb’d by anxious cares,


His peaceful moments ran;
And everybody said he was
A fine old gentleman.

Ralph Waldo Emerson is seldom humorous or even in lighter vein.


His Fable about the squirrel shows a graceful wit.
FABLE
The mountain and the squirrel
Had a quarrel,
And the former called the latter “Little Prig”;
Bun replied,
“You are doubtless very big;
But all sorts of things and weather
Must be taken in together,
To make up a year
And a sphere,
And I think it no disgrace
To occupy my place.
If I’m not so large as you,
You are not so small as I,
And not half so spry.
I’ll not deny you make
A very pretty squirrel track;
Talents differ; all is well and wisely put;
If I cannot carry forests on my back,
Neither can you crack a nut.”

Nathaniel Parker Willis was a popular writer of society satire in


both prose and verse.
LOVE IN A COTTAGE
They may talk of love in a cottage,
And bowers of trellised vine—
Of nature bewitchingly simple,
And milkmaids half-divine;
They may talk of the pleasure of sleeping
In the shade of a spreading tree,
And a walk in the fields at morning,
By the side of a footstep free!

But give me a sly flirtation


By the light of a chandelier—
With music to play in the pauses,
And nobody very near;
Or a seat on a silken sofa,
With a glass of pure old wine,
And mama too blind to discover
The small white hand in mine.

Your love in a cottage is hungry,


Your vine is a nest for flies—
Your milkmaid shocks the Graces,
And simplicity talks of pies!
You lie down to your shady slumber
And wake with a bug in your ear,
And your damsel that walks in the morning
Is shod like a mountaineer.

True love is at home on a carpet,


And mightily likes his ease—
And true love has an eye for a dinner,
And starves beneath shady trees.
His wing is the fan of a lady.
His foot’s an invisible thing,
And his arrow is tipp’d with a jewel
And shot from a silver string.
Seba Smith, among the first to break away from English traditions,
wrote over the pen name of Major Jack Downing. He was a pioneer
in the matter of dialect writing and the first to poke fun at New
England speech and manners.
Follows a part of his skit called

MY FIRST VISIT TO PORTLAND

After I had walked about three or four hours, I come along


towards the upper end of the town, where I found there were stores
and shops of all sorts and sizes. And I met a feller, and says I,—
“What place is this?”
“Why, this,” says he, “is Huckler’s Row.”
“What!” says I, “are these the stores where the traders in
Huckler’s Row keep?”
And says he, “Yes.”
“Well, then,” says I to myself, “I have a pesky good mind to go in
and have a try with one of these chaps, and see if they can twist my
eye-teeth out. If they can get the best end of a bargain out of me,
they can do what there ain’t a man in our place can do; and I should
just like to know what sort of stuff these ’ere Portland chaps are
made of.” So in I goes into the best-looking store among ’em. And I
see some biscuit lying on the shelf, and says I,—
“Mister, how much do you ax apiece for them ’ere biscuits?”
“A cent apiece,” says he.
“Well,” says I, “I shan’t give you that, but, if you’ve a mind to, I’ll
give you two cents for three of them, for I begin to feel a little as
though I would like to take a bite.”
“Well,” says he, “I wouldn’t sell ’em to anybody else so, but,
seeing it’s you, I don’t care if you take ’em.”
I knew he lied, for he never seen me before in his life. Well, he
handed down the biscuits, and I took ’em, and walked round the
store awhile, to see what else he had to sell. At last says I,—
“Mister, have you got any good cider?”
Says he, “Yes, as good as ever ye see.”
“Well,” says I, “what do you ax a glass for it?”
“Two cents,” says he.
“Well,” says I, “seems to me I feel more dry than I do hungry now.
Ain’t you a mind to take these ’ere biscuits again and give me a
glass of cider?” and says he:
“I don’t care if I do.”
So he took and laid ’em on the shelf again and poured out a glass
of cider. I took the glass of cider and drinkt it down and, to tell you
the truth about it, it was capital good cider Then says I:
“I guess it’s about time for me to be a-going,” and so I stept along
toward the door; but he ups and says, says he:
“Stop, mister, I believe you haven’t paid me for the cider.’
“Not paid you for the cider!” says I; “what do you mean by that?
Didn’t the biscuits that I give you just come to the cider?”
“Oh, ah, right!” says he.
So I started to go again, but before I had reached the door he
says, says he:
“But stop, mister, you didn’t pay me for the biscuit.”
“What!” says I, “do you mean to impose upon me? Do you think I
am going to pay you for the biscuits, and let you keep them, too?
Ain’t they there now on your shelf? What more do you want? I guess,
sir, you don’t whittle me in that way.”
So I turned about and marched off and left the feller staring and
scratching his head as tho’ he was struck with a dunderment.
Howsomeever, I didn’t want to cheat him, only jest to show ’em it
wa’n’t so easy a matter to pull my eye-teeth out; so I called in next
day and paid him two cents.
And now humor began to creep into the newspapers, and it came
about that American humorists, almost without exception, have been
newspaper men.
Following Seba Smith’s plan each author created a character,
usually of homely type, and through him as a mouthpiece gave to the
world his own wit and wisdom.
Mrs. Frances Miriam Whitcher wrote the Widow Bedott papers,
and Frederick Swartout Cozzens the Sparrowgrass Papers, but best
known today is the Mrs. Partington, the American Mrs. Malaprop,
created by Benjamin Penhallow Shillaber.

AFTER A WEDDING

“I like to tend weddings,” said Mrs. Partington, as she came back


from a neighboring church where one had been celebrated, and
hung up her shawl, and replaced the black bonnet in her long-
preserved band-box. “I like to see young people come together with
the promise to love, cherish, and nourish each other. But it is a
solemn thing, is matrimony—a very solemn thing—where the
pasture comes into the chancery, with his surplus on, and goes
through with the cerement of making ’em man and wife. It ought to
be husband and wife; for it ain’t every husband that turns out a man.
I declare I shall never forget how I felt when I had the nuptial ring put
on to my finger, when Paul said, ‘With my goods I thee endow.’ He
used to keep a dry-goods store then, and I thought he was going to
give me all there was in it. I was young and simple, and didn’t know
till arterwards that it only meant one calico gound in a year. It is a
lovely sight to see the young people plighting their trough, and
coming up to consume their vows.”
She bustled about and got tea ready, but abstractedly she put on
the broken teapot, that had lain away unused since Paul was alive,
and the teacups, mended with putty, and dark with age, as if the idea
had conjured the ghost of past enjoyment to dwell for the moment in
the home of present widowhood.
A young lady, who expected to be married on Thanksgiving night,
wept copiously at her remarks, but kept on hemming the veil that
was to adorn her brideship, and Ike sat pulling bristles out of the
hearth-brush in expressive silence.
Yet not all the wits of the day were newspaper men, for Oliver
Wendell Holmes left his essays and novels now and then to give his
native humor full play.
The “Deacon’s Masterpiece,” often called “The One Hoss Shay” is
a classic, and many short poems are among our best witty verses,
while Holmes’ genial humor pervades his Breakfast Table books.
THE HEIGHT OF THE RIDICULOUS
I wrote some lines once on a time,
In wondrous merry mood,
And thought, as usual, men would say
They were exceeding good.

They were so queer, so very queer,


I laughed as I would die;
Albeit, in the general way,
A sober man am I.

I called my servant, and he came;


How kind it was of him,
To mind a slender man like me,
He of the mighty limb!

“These to the printer,” I exclaimed,


And, in my humorous way,
I added (as a trifling jest),
“There’ll be the devil to pay.”

He took the paper, and I watched,


And saw him peep within;
At the first line he read, his face
Was all upon the grin.

He read the next: the grin grew broad,


And shot from ear to ear;
He read the third: a chuckling noise
I now began to hear.

The fourth: he broke into a roar;


The fifth: his waistband split;
The sixth: he burst five buttons off,
And tumbled in a fit.

Ten days and nights, with sleepless eye,


I watched that wretched man,
And since, I never dare to write
As funny as I can.

ÆSTIVATION
In candent ire the solar splendor flames;
The foles, languescent, pend from arid rames;
His humid front the cive, anheling, wipes,
And dreams of erring on ventiferous ripes.

How dulce to vive occult to mortal eyes,


Dorm on the herb with none to supervise,
Carp the suave berries from the crescent vine,
And bibe the flow from longicaudate kine.

To me also, no verdurous visions come


Save you exiguous pool’s confervascum,—
No concave vast repeats the tender hue
That laves my milk-jug with celestial blue.

Me wretched! Let me curr to quercine shades!


Effund your albid hausts, lactiferous maids!
Oh, might I vole to some umbrageous chump,—
Depart,—be off,—excede,—evade,—erump!

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow is charged with the perpetration of


certain nonsense verses. His authorship of these has been stoutly
denied as well as positively asseverated.
The two poems in question are appended, and if Longfellow did
write them they are in no wise to his discredit.
THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL
There was a little girl,
And she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good
She was very, very good,
And when she was bad she was horrid.

One day she went upstairs,


When her parents, unawares,
In the kitchen were occupied with meals
And she stood upon her head
In her little trundle-bed,
And then began hooraying with her heels.

Her mother heard the noise,


And she thought it was the boys
A-playing at a combat in the attic;
But when she climbed the stair,
And found Jemima there,
She took and she did spank her most emphatic.

MR. FINNEY’S TURNIP


Mr. Finney had a turnip
And it grew and it grew;
And it grew behind the barn,
And that turnip did no harm.

There it grew and it grew


Till it could grow no taller;
Then his daughter Lizzie picked it
And put it in the cellar.

There it lay and it lay


Till it began to rot;
And his daughter Susie took it
And put it in the pot.

And they boiled it and boiled it


As long as they were able,
And then his daughters took it
And put it on the table.

Mr. Finney and his wife


They sat down to sup;
And they ate and they ate
And they ate that turnip up.
James Thomas Fields, an acknowledged humorist, wrote mostly
homely narrative wit.
THE ALARMED SKIPPER
Many a long, long year ago,
Nantucket skippers had a plan
Of finding out, though “lying low,”
How near New York their schooners ran.

They greased the lead before it fell,


And then, by sounding through the night,
Knowing the soil that stuck, so well,
They always guessed their reckoning right.

A skipper gray, whose eyes were dim,


Could tell, by tasting, just the spot;
And so below he’d “dowse the glim,”—
After, of course, his “something hot.”

Snug in his berth at eight o’clock


This ancient skipper might be found;
No matter how his craft would rock,
He slept,—for skippers’ naps are sound!

The watch on deck would now and then


Run down and wake him, with the lead;
He’d up, and taste, and tell the men
How many miles they went ahead.

One night ’twas Jotham Marden’s watch,


A curious wag,—the peddler’s son,—
And so he mused (the wanton wretch),
“To-night I’ll have a grain of fun.

“We’re all a set of stupid fools


To think the skipper knows by tasting
What ground he’s on: Nantucket schools
Don’t teach such stuff, with all their basting!”

And so he took the well-greased lead


And rubbed it o’er a box of earth
That stood on deck,—a parsnip-bed,—
And then he sought the skipper’s berth.
“Where are we now, sir? Please to taste.”
The skipper yawned, put out his tongue,
Then oped his eyes in wondrous haste,
And then upon the floor he sprung!

The skipper stormed, and tore his hair,


Thrust on his boots, and roared to Marden,
“Nantucket’s sunk, and here we are
Right over old Marm Hackett’s garden!”

John Godfrey Saxe has been called the American Tom Hood. His
verses are among our very best humorous poems.
MY FAMILIAR
Again I hear that creaking step!—
He’s rapping at the door!—
Too well I know the boding sound
That ushers in a bore.
I do not tremble when I meet
The stoutest of my foes,
But heaven defend me from the friend
Who comes,—but never goes!

He drops into my easy-chair


And asks about the news;
He peers into my manuscript,
And gives his candid views;
He tells me where he likes the line,
And where he’s forced to grieve;
He takes the strangest liberties,—
But never takes his leave!

He reads my daily paper through


Before I’ve seen a word;
He scans the lyric (that I wrote)
And thinks it quite absurd;
He calmly smokes my last cigar,
And coolly asks for more;
He opens everything he sees—
Except the entry door!

He talks about his fragile health,


And tells me of his pains;
He suffers from a score of ills
Of which he ne’er complains;
And how he struggled once with death
To keep the fiend at bay;
On themes like those away he goes—
But never goes away!

He tells me of the carping words


Some shallow critic wrote;
And every precious paragraph
Familiarly can quote;
He thinks the writer did me wrong;
He’d like to run him through!
He says a thousand pleasant things—
But never says “Adieu!”

Whene’er he comes—that dreadful man—


Disguise it as I may,
I know that, like an autumn rain,
He’ll last throughout the day.
In vain I speak of urgent tasks;
In vain I scowl and pout;
A frown is no extinguisher—
It does not put him out!

I mean to take the knocker off,


Put crape upon the door,
Or hint to John that I am gone
To stay a month or more.
I do not tremble when I meet
The stoutest of my foes,
But Heaven defend me from the friend
Who never, never goes!

Henry Wheeler Shaw, creator of the character of Josh Billings,


was a philosopher and essayist as well as a funny man.
Doubtless his work has lived largely because of its amusing
misspelling, but there is much wisdom to be found in his wit.
The following essays are given only in part.

TIGHT BOOTS
I would jist like to kno who the man waz who fust invented tite
boots.
He must hav bin a narrow and kontrakted kuss.
If he still lives, i hope he haz repented ov hiz sin, or iz enjoying
grate agony ov sum kind.
I hay bin in a grate menny tite spots in mi life, but generally could
manage to make them average; but thare iz no sich thing az making
a pair of tite boots average.
Enny man who kan wear a pair ov tite boots, and be humble, and
penitent, and not indulge profane literature, will make a good
husband.
Oh! for the pen ov departed Wm. Shakspear, to write an
anethema aginst tite boots, that would make anshunt Rome wake
up, and howl agin az she did once before on a previous ockashun.
Oh! for the strength ov Herkules, to tare into shu strings all the tite
boots ov creashun, and skatter them tew the 8 winds ov heaven.
Oh! for the buty ov Venus, tew make a bigg foot look hansum
without a tite boot on it.
Oh! for the payshunce ov Job, the Apostle, to nuss a tite boot and
bles it, and even pra for one a size smaller and more pinchfull.
Oh! for a pair of boots bigg enuff for the foot ov a mountain.
I have been led into the above assortment ov Oh’s! from having in
my posseshun, at this moment, a pair ov number nine boots, with a
pair ov number eleven feet in them.
Mi feet are az uneasy az a dog’s noze the fust time he wears a
muzzle.
I think mi feet will eventually choke the boots to deth.
I liv in hopes they will.
I suppozed i had lived long enuff not to be phooled agin in this
way, but i hav found out that an ounce ov vanity weighs more than a
pound ov reazon, espeshily when a man mistakes a bigg foot for a
small one.
Avoid tite boots, mi friend, az you would the grip of the devil; for
menny a man haz cought for life a fust rate habit for swareing bi
encouraging hiz feet to hurt hiz boots.
I hav promised mi two feet, at least a dozen ov times during mi
checkured life, that they never should be strangled agin, but i find
them to-day az phull ov pain az the stummuk ake from a suddin attak
ov tite boots.
But this iz solemly the last pair ov tite boots i will ever wear; i will
hereafter wear boots az bigg az mi feet, if i have to go barefoot to do
it.
I am too old and too respektable to be a phool enny more.
Eazy boots iz one of the luxurys ov life, but i forgit what the other
luxury iz, but i don’t kno az i care, provided i kan git rid ov this pair ov
tite boots.
Enny man kan hav them for seven dollars, just half what they
kost, and if they don’t make his feet ake wuss than an angle worm in
hot ashes, he needn’t pay for them.
Methuseles iz the only man, that i kan kall to mind now who could
hav afforded to hav wore tite boots, and enjoyed them, he had a
grate deal ov waste time tew be miserable in but life now days, iz too
short, and too full ov aktual bizzness to phool away enny ov it on tite
boots.
Tite boots are an insult to enny man’s understanding.
He who wears tite boots will hav too acknowledge the corn.
Tite boots hav no bowells or mersy, their insides are wrath and
promiskious cussing.
Beware ov tite boots.—

A HEN

A hen is a darn phool, they was born so bi natur.


When natur undertakes tew make a phool, she hits the mark the
fust time.
Most all the animile kritters hav instinkt, which is wuth more to
them than reason would be, for instinkt don’t make enny blunders.
If the animiles had reason, they would akt just as ridikilus as we
men folks do.
But a hen don’t seem tew hav even instinkt, and was made
expressly for a phool.
I hav seen a hen fly out ov a good warm shelter, on the 15th ov
January, when the snow was 3 foot high, and lite on the top ov a
stun wall, and coolly set thare, and freeze tew deth.
Noboddy but a darn phool would do this, unless it was tew save a
bet.
I hav saw a human being do similar things, but they did it tew win
a bet.
To save a bet, is self-preservashun, and self-preservashun, is the
fust law ov natur, so sez Blakstone, and he is the best judge ov law
now living.
If i couldn’t be Josh Billings, i would like, next in suit tew be
Blakstone, and compoze sum law.
Not so far removed from the Josh Billings type of humor is the
work of James Russell Lowell. His well known Biglow Papers exploit
in perfection the back country New England politics as well as native
character.
WHAT MR. ROBINSON THINKS
Guvener B. is a sensible man;
He stays to his home an’ looks arter his folks;
He draws his furrer ez straight ez he can,
An’ into nobody’s tater-patch pokes;
But John P.
Robinson he
Sez he wunt vote fer Guvener B.
My ain’t it terrible? Wut shall we du?
We can’t never choose him, o’ course,—thet’s flat;
Guess we shall hev to come round (don’t you?)
An’ go in fer thunder an’ guns, an’ all that;
Fer John P.
Robinson he
Sez he wunt vote fer Guvener B.

Gineral C. is a dreffle smart man:


He’s ben on all sides thet give places or pelf;
But consistency still was a part of his plan,—
He’s ben true to one party,—an’ thet is himself;—
So John P.
Robinson he
Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C.

Gineral C. he goes in fer the war;


He don’t vally principle more’n an old cud;
Wut did God make us raytional creeturs fer,
But glory an’ gunpowder, plunder an’ blood?
So John P.
Robinson he
Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C.

We were gettin’ on nicely up here to our village,


With good old idees o’ wut’s right an’ wut ain’t,
We kind o’ thought Christ went agin’ war an’ pillage,
An’ thet eppyletts worn’t the best mark of a saint;
But John P.
Robinson he
Sez this kind o’ thing’s an exploded idee.

The side of our country must ollers be took,


An’ Presidunt Polk, you know, he is our country,
An’ the angel thet writes all our sins in a book
Puts the debit to him, an’ to us the per contry!
An’ John P.
Robinson he
Sez this is his view o’ the thing to a T.

Parson Wilbur he calls all these argimunts lies;


Sez they’re nothin’ on airth but jest fee, faw, fum;
An’ thet all this big talk of our destinies
Is half on it ign’ance, an’ t’other half rum;
But John P.
Robinson he
Sez it ain’t no sech thing; an’, of course, so must we.

Parson Wilbur sez he never heerd in his life


Thet th’ Apostles rigged out in their swaller-tail coats,
An’ marched round in front of a drum an’ a fife,
To git some on ’em office, an’ some on ’em votes;
But John P.
Robinson he
Sez they didn’t know everythin’ down in Judee.

Wall, it’s a marcy we’ve gut folks to tell us


The rights an’ the wrongs o’ these matters, I vow,—
God sends country lawyers, an’ other wise fellers,
To start the world’s team wen it gits in a slough;
Fer John P.
Robinson he
Sez the world’ll go right, ef he hollers out Gee!

Phoebe Cary, though a hymn writer of repute, did some extremely


clever parodies. This work of hers is little known.
I REMEMBER
I remember, I remember,
The house where I was wed,
And the little room from which that night
My smiling bride was led.
She didn’t come a wink too soon,
Nor make too long a stay;
But now I often wish her folks
Had kept the girl away!

I remember, I remember,
Her dresses, red and white,
Her bonnets and her caps and cloaks,—
They cost an awful sight!
The “corner lot” on which I built,
And where my brother met
At first my wife, one washing-day,—
That man is single yet!

I remember, I remember,

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