CI Feedback Protocol for Dyads/Triads

The purpose of providing feedback during CI sessions is 4-fold:

1) To develop self-awareness when in the role of therapist, client and observer. The therapist can be aware of
feelings and beliefs that are raised in response to feedback, and may become cognizant of unconscious body
language or patterns of speech that are noticed by the observer or client, including when observing oneself
on video. Clients are “seen and heard” and invited to be authentic with how the session really was for them.
When the observer or client is providing feedback, they are encouraged to notice where the feedback is
coming from – is there any tendency in themselves to either please or to judge, to be right, or to instruct.
The feedback process itself can generate an inquiry.
2) Balanced feedback maintains safety and respect for the individual in the role as therapist. It models the
setting of good boundaries and limits, through the asking of specific questions. The role of
“witness/observer” is simultaneously developed within the client, therapist and observer, while engaging in
feedback. The ability to model respect, maintain boundaries and witness thoughts, emotions, and body
sensations are fundamental skills in CI that are enhanced during the feedback process.
3) While providing feedback, one can affirm the qualities within oneself of humility, compassion, curiosity and
authenticity. Are we providing feedback from a place of curiosity and authenticity, rather than judgement?
Are we interested in discovering and affirming what is true?
4) To receive information about how we practice CI from those observing, so we can both be validated for who
we are and what we do well, as well as develop specific skills not yet demonstrated or mastered.

Integrate both Positive and Constructive (or Corrective) Feedback – need some of each
• Positive feedback decreases anxiety, increases receptivity to feedback, increases safety
• Constructive feedback is shared to enhance self-awareness and note areas that can be improved, leading
towards mastery of competencies
• Best outcome comes from balancing positive and constructive feedback; this promotes satisfaction while
encouraging change
• Participants want balanced, accurate, frequent, immediate, clear and specific feedback
• Participants learn counseling skills best when they receive feedback from peers, and also critically analyze
their own performance
• Participants need opportunities to explore their beliefs about feedback and to develop a level of comfort and
confidence in giving and receiving feedback with one another
• The feedback protocol can be implemented at all levels of CI: 1) When the “facilitator” offers a demo, the
facilitator or intern can ask their group members questions about what they noticed during the session; 2)
During triad/dyad sessions, each person comments or inquires using some of the questions below; 3) During
the practicums, the facilitator utilizes the same questions; 4) During Master Classes, Gabor provides feedback
to facilitators and interns along similar lines.

Four Features Feedback Can Include:

1. Descriptive: Provides an account or description of the behaviour. Describe something specific you noticed.
ex. “When you asked her what she was feeling, she looked away. What might have been going on for her.”

2. Emotions/Feelings: Offer your feeling response to what was conveyed as an inquiry e.g. “I wonder if the
client was feeling pushed into a corner by the series of questions the therapist asked, in fairly quick
succession. I might have felt pushed, if I had been the client.”

© Sat Dharam Kaur and Gabor Maté, March 2021 compassionateinquiry.com

3. Interpretive: “I wonder if the client was becoming more defended against touching his pain of loneliness …
and it may have been more skillful to take a different path.” Interprets what was observed and checks it out
with client and therapist.

4. Evaluative: Minimize judgment and criticism; we are our own worst critics … Include comments on what the
therapist included, what s/he excluded, considering the stepping stones and skills. What qualities did the
therapist model? Name these. (The CI qualities to develop are presence, self-awareness, trust gut feelings,
authenticity, confidence, acceptance/non-judgement, curiosity, compassion, playfulness).

Feedback Protocol for Dyads/Triads:

Feedback generally follows the sequence below:

1) Therapist: responds first to the questions below
2) Client: responds second to the questions below
3) Observer: comments after the other two have spoken

Consider using some or all of the following questions when providing feedback:

1. Observer asks the therapist, or if there is no observer, therapist answers these questions:
• Describe one thing you did well? (and then affirms it) (Evaluative)
• Describe one thing you could have done differently? (Descriptive)
• What were you feeling during the session? (Emotional)
• Did you feel attuned, confident, present, relaxed? If not, what was going on for you?
• Was there one moment when you felt stuck/awkward, confused or triggered. How did you handle it?
(Descriptive)
• Which skills, stepping stones and therapist qualities come easily, and did you use? (Evaluative)
• Which skills, stepping stones and therapist qualities are you currently working to develop, or might you
have used?
• What was your comfort level with the client’s emotional pain?

2. Observer asks the client, or if there is no observer, therapist asks client:

• What was going on for you when the therapist asked ____________________ . (Interpretive)
• By the end of the session, was your original intention for the session addressed? (Evaluative)
• Comment on what you noticed about client’s discomfort or whether important cues were missed – ask
client what was going on for them at that time and what they needed. (Emotional)
• How do you feel at the end of the session, as you connect to your body and emotional state?
(Emotional)
• How would you respond to the initial challenge you started the session with, the next time it happens?
• What worked well for you during the session?
• What may have helped you as an added step during the therapeutic interaction or what was missed that
you would have liked, or what got in the way?

3. Observer comments on what they noticed, or if there is no observer, client may comment:
• Describe something you noticed about the interaction - confidence, presence, attunement (Descriptive)
• Comment on the pacing and fluidity of the session. Was there spontaneity, spaciousness? Did it feel
rushed or did there seem to be an agenda? Was it relaxed?
• Did the therapist miss any important cues or not pick up on the client’s discomfort?

© Sat Dharam Kaur and Gabor Maté, March 2021 compassionateinquiry.com

 • Comment on the flow between therapist and client. Who was doing most of the talking? (It’s always
best if it’s the client!) (Descriptive)
• Comment on the skills, qualities and stepping stones that were done well (Evaluative)
• Comment on the skills and stepping stones that could have been used, or done differently (Evaluative)
• Comment on the “feel” of the session. Was the therapist attuned, present, compassionate, embodied,
accepting, spontaneous? (Emotional)
• Comment on the therapist’s ability to model the 9 qualities and to assist the client in being
compassionate towards parts of themselves
• Recommend something for the therapist to bring awareness to and practice (Constructive Action
towards mastering competencies)

Ideally the Feedback Is:

• Frequent
• Specific, anchored in CI Qualities, Skills, Stepping Stones and Competencies
• Provided within 48 hours of the review of a drop-in, practicum, or video
• Focused on the knowledge and skills that require attention – a few at a time
• Affirming of existing strengths on which developing competencies will be supported
• Involving inquiry and reflection on the specific competency targeted for development
• Pertinent to the questions and intention of the participant
• Adjusted to suit the personality and level of skill of the participant
• Phrased in an accepting and non-judgemental way
• Inviting curiosity from the participant as well as the person giving feedback
• Posed as questions so that the participant has an opportunity to answer first, with what they notice
• Asking, rather than telling
• Accepting and affirming of the participant’s skill level

The Spirit of Giving Feedback:

Remember the spirit of CI and let that be the force behind the feedback we give. Everyone involved in CI, from
the leadership to the newest participants, is here because we care and because we want to succeed and thrive.
We all bring certain strengths and we all have areas where we can learn and grow. If we see our efforts in the
context of the strengths we bring, it is easier for us to hear any feedback we may get without reverting to our
default settings. Bring that container to the feedback you give. Hold the critique in the container of the qualities
and strengths that are always there in each person you give feedback to. Always remember that when fight, flight
or freeze happens in us, learning and growth stop. Let the practice of compassion be the foundation of every CI
experience.

When Giving Feedback:

• When giving feedback, notice the emotions that arise within you
• If you have tension as you are speaking, or need to be right, there is something for you to look at
• There is a distinction between the objective evaluation of a situation and how we feel about it
• How we feel about it has more to do with the past than the present
• When you give feedback, be observant of your tone of voice, and what that is communicating
• Notice if you ‘want to be right’. People want feedback from somebody who wants to make a
contribution, not from somebody who has a need to be right
• Consider how you can contribute to the person requesting feedback, rather than stating your opinion,
giving advice or being right

© Sat Dharam Kaur and Gabor Maté, March 2021 compassionateinquiry.com

 • Contribute by speaking the truth compassionately, and by being aware of your reception
• Be aware who's listening and how they are receiving your contribution
• Consider and observant of the participant’s capacity to take in information while under evaluative stress
• Follow your feedback with a check-in with the participant afterwards to ask how the feedback was
received and if it could have been delivered more effectively (when appropriate and when time permits)

When Receiving Feedback:

• We begin life dependent on what other people think of us
• If we didn’t get positive unconditional acceptance as children, we worry about what other people think
of us, as if our existence depended on it (which it did when were young)
• When we receive feedback, part of us perceives it as judgement of us as a human being
• When you receive feedback, notice not only what is being said, but what you are making it mean
• Notice the power you are ascribing to the person providing feedback, and recognize that they are not
your mother or father – just someone providing feedback
• Notice the emotions arising in you as you receive feedback, and any defensive coping strategy or
resistance to receiving feedback. Pay attention to how that is showing up in your body. What emotions
do you feel? What are you making the feedback mean about you? Where did this belief originate?
• The emotions that arise have nothing to do with what is going on in the present moment
• Recognize that the intention of feedback is to acknowledge and improve your CI Skills – the more open
and receptive you are, the more you can learn from it and benefit.
• Know that the feedback is not a statement or criticism of you as a person, but about what someone
notices in the CI session.
• Be curious. Is there something valid in the feedback that has been provided?
• Be compassionate with yourself, recognizing that many people experience fear and anxiety during any
kind of evaluation. It is OK for you to experience that too.
• Learning the CI approach is a journey that takes time and practice. Give yourself opportunities to
experiment, learn, make mistakes, notice what worked and what didn’t. This is how you become more
effective.

© Sat Dharam Kaur and Gabor Maté, March 2021 compassionateinquiry.com

 Evaluative Stress
The CI Professional Training is set up so that people receive feedback from one another, from their facilitators,
from me (Gabor) sometimes, and so on. How that feedback is delivered, and how it's received, can make all the
difference in the world to what you get from this process. Let me introduce you to a phrase that I haven't talked
about in the context of CI before – evaluative stress.
What does that mean? This has been studied in a laboratory. You pay a bunch of people $50 bucks to
come in and participate in an experiment. You have them prepare a public talk in front of two judges that they're
going to give on whatever subject. The judges are instructed to respond in a friendly, encouraging fashion, or with
complete indifference to the presentation of these study participants. Then they measure the stress-hormone
levels of the participants. The participants who perceived hostile or indifferent evaluations from these judges -
their stress-hormone levels are elevated. Even though you have to understand that it's a pure game. There is no
bearing on their lives. They go home, they can forget about it. Yet even later, their stress hormones are elevated.
This is called evaluative stress. When you're being evaluated by other people, and you perceive that the
evaluation is not positive or worse, your hormone levels change and you physiologically become stressed. Let
alone emotionally. So why is that? Why would it matter? You go into the experiment, you pay $50 bucks. How
well you do has no bearing on your life, and you get stressed.
Why is that? It's because the core wound that we have received in childhood is that we were evaluated
rather than accepted as who we were. It was always are you pretty enough? Are you clean enough? Are you good
looking enough? Are you smart enough? Are you fast enough? Are you good enough? Are you obedient enough?
to merit acceptance. That evaluative threat, even in that utterly artificial laboratory context, is enough to trigger
that stuff.
Now, I guarantee you, if somebody participated in that experiment and they fully accepted themselves,
their hormone levels would not be affected at all. The evaluative threat, or the evaluative stress, doesn't just
depend on what you're perceiving from the outside. It's also what you feel about yourself on the inside. That
shows up every time you think you're being criticized. The intention in this program is not to criticize everybody,
but it's to critique everybody. Do you understand the difference?
Criticism is perceived as being aimed at your very self. At who you are. A critique is simply designed or
intended, ideally, to give you feedback so you can learn from your experience and become better at what you're
committed to being. That's the difference between criticism and critique.
Now, a number of things can go wrong. First of all, the people who are meant to critique you, speak to
you in a tone of criticism. They may not intend to, but maybe that's how they come across. I am urging all of you,
as you work in your dyads and in your groups, and especially if you're facilitating, to really check in with yourself
about how you speak to people. Where are you at when you give your critique. Can you, as much as possible,
purify what you are saying from any hint of criticism and make it genuine critique? That has to do with the
compassion that you have for this person who is working very hard to train themselves in a very challenging
process.
At the same time, those of you who receive the critique, I'm going to say something radical here, but it
shouldn't be news to you. If you get yourself upset and tense about anything anybody says to you, it's got nothing
to do with what they just said. One of the teachings that I have learned myself and try to convey is that we are
never upset about what we think we're upset about. I'm pretty sure that within the CI videos there are examples
of me talking about that and demonstrating it, but if anybody is not clear we can do it today. But I'm telling you,
we are never upset about what we think we're upset about.
The Presence Process is a book which I recommended to you. It's a wonderful book and it's got a real
program in it to work with your reactions. Whether you do the program, or whether you just read the book, the
point is you're never upset about what you think you're upset about. You know my mantra that I keep repeating:
"Whenever there's tension, it requires attention." Whenever there's tension in your body, that's old stuff. If I say
something to you about how you just did your practice and you get upset, even if I said it, which is my
responsibility, with that critical tone, your reaction is still your reaction.

© Sat Dharam Kaur and Gabor Maté, March 2021 compassionateinquiry.com

 So, I'm talking about two things here. One is, be aware of this concept of evaluative stress. Evaluative
threat. As much as possible, avoid laying it on one another or on yourself for that matter. Number one. Number
two, when you do get upset, it's important that you deal with it, and realize that this is always old stuff coming
up. Which doesn't mean that the other person was always right in what they said or how they approached you,
and that needs to be cleaned up. I'm just talking about the tensional, internally riled up reaction within you. Be
always curious about that. Not critical about it. 'What's actually going on here? Hmm... This person said such and
such, and now I'm in a tizzy. I wonder why.' And again, this is what Eckhart Tolle once said or wrote, 'be at least as
interested in your own reactions than in the people and situations that evoked those reactions.' Be interested in
both.
I want to once again remind you of the importance of compassion. This is Compassionate Inquiry, which
also means that when you are giving critique, it's a compassionate critique. You are seeing the other person. You
are not intending to increase their load of suffering. You are recognizing that you are or have been in the same
situations so you understand how they feel. You want them to see the truth, which means that, recall me quoting
Almas about "Only when compassion is present will people allow themselves to see the truth."
Finally, whenever you work with each other, if it's possible, see not just the anxious or upset or worried or
bumbling person in front of you, but see them for the possibility. See them for the commitment and the intention
to heal themselves and to heal others that's really driving them to be here with you.

© Sat Dharam Kaur and Gabor Maté, March 2021 compassionateinquiry.com