(6th June 2024)

Dear Diary,

Have you ever felt like you are just a pebble besides the road? You don’t have any
purpose, and you don’t amount to any value, you are just there serving nothing;
doing no good to anyone. Just a pebble besides the rode. Useless, unwelcomed,
undesired.

I feel like a pebble right now. I am doing no good to anyone, I don’t have any value,
I am just here; “existing”. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. Everyone around
me seems to know what they need to do, and finds joy in what they are doing, but I
am just here not knowing what to do. It’s not like I didn’t try to search my purpose,
I did, but I just don’t seem to fit in. I feel like an outcast, and no one actually need
my help with anything. It feels like everyone is just fine here without me and I am
not needed. Then why did I come back? Everything is fine without me. Now, I am
unhappy and unwanted.

Do I desire an important role? It’s not like that. I just want to be involved but I
don’t feel like anyone wants to involve me. I have to involve myself everywhere. And
when I try to involve myself, I feel like I am just burdening others by pushing
myself out there with them when they actually don’t even need me. I feel very
unwelcomed in my new life. I just want to disappear from here.

I tried my best to be present, friendly, chatty and humble with everybody. But I
don’t know, this invisible barrier is still there which is preventing them to approach
me. I am tired today. I am vulnerable. I just want to go far away where I don’t
have to grow up, where I don’t have to socialize, where I do not have to smile and
keep looking at everyone’s faces to see if they like me or not. I don’t want to
pretend to listen to them, so they would like me. I think I need a rest from this
social world. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I don’t want to be involved in
anything anymore. I don’t want to do more.

I will just teach the classes I am supposed to teach and stay by myself, in my
space and will not utter a word anymore. I won’t look for anyone’s approval and
recognition anymore. Let’s just forget socializing, As long as I can teach well and
do my job well, that’s the only thing that matters.