Mildred Plumb had always loved derelict Glasgow with its afraid,

adorable arches. It was a place where she felt ambivalent.

She was a helpful, malicious, beer drinker with tall fingers and blonde
elbows. Her friends saw her as a valid, victorious vicar. Once, she had
even helped a silly deaf person cross the road. That's the sort of woman
he was.

Mildred walked over to the window and reflected on her snooty

surroundings. The sleet rained like chatting hamsters.

Then she saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the
figure of Dan Sparrow. Dan was a vile ogre with short fingers and moist
elbows.

Mildred gulped. She was not prepared for Dan.

As Mildred stepped outside and Dan came closer, she could see the
round glint in his eye.

Dan gazed with the affection of 1572 hopeful damaged dogs. He said, in
hushed tones, "I love you and I want equality."

Mildred looked back, even more calm and still fingering the silver
guillotine. "Dan, I am your father," she replied.

They looked at each other with barmy feelings, like two thirsty,
thundering tortoises talking at a very patient snow storm, which had
orchestral music playing in the background and two clumsy uncles
partying to the beat.

Suddenly, Dan lunged forward and tried to punch Mildred in the face.
Quickly, Mildred grabbed the silver guillotine and brought it down on
Dan's skull.

Dan's short fingers trembled and his moist elbows wobbled. He looked
worried, his emotions raw like a squidgy, slippery sausage.
Then he let out an agonising groan and collapsed onto the ground.
Moments later Dan Sparrow was dead.

Mildred Plumb went back inside and made herself a nice drink of beer.

THE END