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Naseem Moussa

Brother High High High High High High Alpha

Lambda Chi Alpha Pi Beta Chapter

20 January 2023

Who’s Getting the Best Head?

Philosophers, historians, etymologists, and the world’s brightest minds have frequently

come together to answer humanity’s most dire questions. Even in the face of terrorism,

worldwide climate disasters, and world hunger, humanity has continued to push the limits on

what is possible. However, not all problems are as simple as solving world hunger; certain issues

have nuances that create complex arguments in favor of each individual opinion. This is not one

of those issues. Theodore is getting the best head.

To start, first must establish the criteria for getting the best head. First, can see from the

chipmunk’s reactions that there is a clear difference in the quality of head the munks are

receiving. Alvin is trying a little too hard; can tell that he is just acting by the fact that he is

grabbing the couch and looking away. Alvin doesn’t really feel like he’s receiving the greatest

sloppy toppy a chipmunk can get, but he is acting in this manner to keep up his character as the

leader of the chipmunks. Simon, on the other hand, isn’t acting at all; he is genuinely suffering

due to the fact that his shit’s getting violently gnawed on in front of his boys. Although some

argue that this could be a sign that Simon is mid-ejaculation, this is highly unlikely, due to the

fact that his girl is not even fully gripping that shit at all. She is clearly using all teeth, and even

though some would say that is a good thing, the common consensus among scholars is that

getting your dick chewed off is sub-optimal. Although there are many things that can be drawn

from Simon’s obscure facial expressions, it is clear from this that Simon is not in a complete
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state of bliss that would indicate the upper echelon of head. Finally, that brings the argument to

Theodore, who not only is receiving the best head simply by process of elimination, but can

visually be determined by his physical reactions as well. While some argue that his face

resembles a yawn implying that he is bored by the fellatio, his facial expression is a clear display

of pure, unadulterated bliss unmatched by the other two around him. Look at him. He’s

paralyzed, consumed by the head. Even though he’s a fat fuck, and he can’t even see his own

dick, let alone what’s going on by his nether regions, you can still see that the absolute throat

GOAT underneath him is delivering the experience of a lifetime.

Let’s look at the other two a little closer. Simon and his girl probably do some weird ass

BDSM shit, so this mediocre head is nothing compared to the rope-filled gimp suit sexual

escapades he’s become so accustomed to. Alvin, on the other hand, is always the one to overreact

to everything and tends to showboat. This is evident by his role in the movie series: he frequently

belittles Theodore, probably because he is mad that he never gets the sloppiest of top like

Theodore does. Brittany’s also kind of a thot, so she’s used up, and lessens the quality of the

head giving experience. This stands to reason, then, that the only reason Alvin is hitting the

Jordan pose while getting his shit topped up is because he’s right next to his homeboys, and he

has to showboat and pretend he’s having the most fun to make them jealous. Again, while

Theodore might be a little oversized, and probably a virgin, it makes all the more sense that he

would be enjoying the head the most. Look at that thick ass piece of fur underneath him and tell

that she wouldn’t be an absolute semen demon. She’s gobbling his shit like a Thanksgiving

turkey, and every time she bobs her head up and down, Theodore takes another step ascending

the stairway to heaven.

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Another factor in the discussion is the knob gobblers themselves. Starting with Alvin’s

sloppy topper, she has NO ASS! That shit is NOT fat at all, which clearly decreases the ceiling

for level of head. Simon’s girl is wearing striped panties, which speaking from personal

experience, is a terrible sign (I’ve never felt the touch of a woman). Lastly, Theodore’s girl went

with the classic straight white color design, a simple choice that highlights her figure. In every

way, the answer is that Theodore is receiving the best head from top to bottom to top to bottom.

In conclusion, we strongly feel that the Theodorians pose the strongest argument in

regards to this age-old dilemma. Although it’s easy to see why Alvinists believe in their god,

they wildly overlook his egotistical personality, and Simonists often underestimate the fact that

BDSM makes anything else a boring experience. Therefore, it is concluded that beyond a

reasonable doubt, Theodore is getting the best head.