BUGSY MALONE SUMMER CAMP 2020

Bugsy Malone, Blousey Brown, Tallulah, Fat Sam, Knuckles, Fizzy, Shake Down Louis, Snake
Eyes & Ritzy.

Bugsy: Hi, I’m Bugsy Malone. With an Italian mother and an Irish father I naturally grew up a
little confused. So, I drifted from this to that, until the night I walked into Fat Sam’s!

Enter Blousey. She sits down and starts to apply her lipstick.

Bugsy: Hi, how are you doing? I’m Bugsy Malone.

Blousey ignores him.

Bugsy: You’re a dancer? A singer, right? (spotting the baseball bat sticking out of her bag)
Ahh, a baseball player!

Blousey: Zip the lip Wisey, I’m in no mood for conversation.

Bugsy snatches the mirror off her.

Bugsy: You don’t like me?

Blousey snatches the mirror back.

Blousey: Listen Wise Guy. I’m surprised you don’t stoop with all that dandruff on your
shoulders.

Bugsy: Charming!

Exit Bugsy and enter Tallulah.

Tallulah: Hey! Look where you’re going, will ya?

Blousey: Oh, I’m sorry.

Tallulah: (Looking Blousey up and down) You a singer?

Blousey: Well, I guess that depends on your taste in music. I’m here about an audition.

Tallulah: Did you get it?

Blousey: They said to come back tomorrow.

Tallulah: They always do. I’m Tallulah.

Blousey: I’m Brown.

Tallulah: Sounds like a loaf of bread!

Blousey: Blousey Brown.

Tallulah: Sounds like a stale loaf of bread!

Blousey: Wanna keep your teeth behind in your mouth?

They both start laughing

Blousey & Tallulah: GUNFIRE!!

Fat Sam: It’s OK, it’s alright everybody! Nothing to worry about! Come back tomorrow for
razzmatazz, music - free drinks on the house! Nobody can’t say Fat Sam’s ain’t the liveliest
joint in town!

SONG - FAT SAM’S GRAND SLAM

Fat Sam: So - we all know who’s monkeying us around, don’t we?

(Gang look at each other and nod but no vocal response)

So, who is it, you dummies?

Knuckles: Er, Dandy Dan Boss?

Fat Sam: Don’t you dare mention his name in this joint! Stop crackin’ your knuckles,
Knuckles.

Knuckles: But it’s how I got my name Boss.

Fat Sam: Well knock it off or change your name.

Fizzy enters.

Fizzy: Er Boss, er, how about my audition? You said come back tomorrow.

Fat Sam: Am I going mad? Are my ears playing tricks on me? Come back tomorrow, Fizzy.

Fizzy: But today is tomorrow, Mr. Sam.

Fat Sam: Fizzy, will you get out of here?

Fizzy exits.

(Shouts) Tallulah, are you ready? How much longer do you want me to wait?
Tallulah: (Offstage) Coming honey. You don’t want me looking a mess, do you?

Knuckles cracks his knuckles.

Fat Sam: (Irritated) I swear I’m surrounded by a bunch of nervous wrecks. Right. Let’s start
at the beginning. We’re being outsmarted by that lounge lizard, right?

Snake Eyes: Right, Boss.

Fat Sam: And we’re gonna get right back on top. Right?

Ritzy: Right back on top, Boss.

Fat Sam: We’re gonna kick that drugstore cowboy right into line.

Gang: You bet, Boss.

Fat Sam: (Humble) Sure. We’ve been a little slow off the mark, but when it comes to the
crunch, dumb bums we ain’t.

Gang: No – dumb bums we ain’t.

Unconvincing. They look and sound remarkably like dumb bums!

Fat Sam: Now, I’m gonna tell you knuckleheads where we’re going wrong. Louis. Stand
against the wall.

Louis: Who me, Boss?

Fat Sam: Are you Shake Down Louis?

Louis: Sure, I am, Boss.

Fat Sam: (Shouting) Then stand against the wall, porridge brain. Knuckles, hand me a pie.

Knuckles hands him a custard pie.

Louis: A pie, Boss? What I do wrong? Talk to me boss. Tell me what I did wrong!

Fat Sam: You didn’t do nothin’ Louis. Nothin’. (He throws the pie, but Louis ducks) See what I
mean? Missed. OK Louis you can sit down now. See, even a dumb mug like Louis is too quick
for us. That’s the root of our trouble. We’re behind the times.

Knuckles: I don’t get it, Boss.

Ritzy and Snake Eyes laugh. Ritzy stops but Snake Eyes continues.

Fat Sam: What’s so funny?

Ritzy stops but Snake Eyes continues.

Ritzy: Nothing boss, nothing at all.

Fat Sam: (To Snake Eyes) You! You manure face. You... You... Great hunk of lard! Your
trouble is you've got muscle when you ought to have brains. I tell you, my pet Canary’s got
more brains than you! You dumb salami!

Snake Eyes: Sorry boss.

Knuckles: What are we going to do boss?

Fat Sam: Knuckles, we’re never gonna get on top with this kind of hardware. It’s old-
fashioned. Obsolete. Defunct. In short… we gotta get ourselves that gun.

Tallulah enters.

FAT SAM: Tallulah! You spend more time prettying yourself up than there’s time in the day.

TALLULAH: Listen, honey, if I didn’t look this good, you wouldn’t give me the time of day.

FAT SAM: I’ll see you in the car. (To Knuckles, who is about to crack his knuckles) Don’t do
that, Knuckles. (Walks off)

KNUCKLES: Sorry Boss. (Follows Fat Sam)

SONG - MY NAME IS TALLULAH

Tallulah: Are you OK Sam? You gotta take it easy. You’ll break something.....or someone!

Fat Sam: Break something? Sure I will - I’m surrounded by namby-pamby dancers, piano
players at a time when I need brains, you hear me? Brains and muscles! (He collapses into a
chair, exhausted)

Bugsy: Come on Sam, let’s get you a drink.

Exit Bugsy and Fat Sam

Blousey: Looks like I’m the only one who ain’t falling apart round here.

Tallulah: Sure.

SONG - I’M FEELING FINE

Tallulah: Hey, that was pretty good. Did you get your audition yet?

Blousey: No, not yet.

Enter Bugsy

Bugsy: Oh, don’t take it personal. Fat Sam’s got a lot on his mind right now.
What with Dandy Dan’s gang and all.

Blousey: Why? What d’ya mean?

Tallulah: Well, whenever ANYBODY comes to audition, he just says, ‘come back tomorrow”

Blousey: Tomorrow?

Bugsy & Tallulah: TOMORROW!

SONG - TOMORROW