Sorin Cerin

The origin of God -Exodus-

The origin of God by Sorin Cerin. ISBN 1-58939-892-0 Published 2006 by Virtualbookworm.com Publishing Inc., P.O. Box 9949, College Station,Tx,77842,US, 2006 Sorin Cerin.All rights reserved.No part of this publications may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmited in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of Sorin Cerin. Manufactured in the United States of America.

Chapter 1
In nomine Patris et Fili et Spiritus Sancti, Amen, Lectio Sancti Evangelii secundum, Mateum I feel that the power is leaving me, I am worse and worse. Some sort of claw is grabbing my chest. I don't want the other cardinals to see that Cardinal Anthony Mc Coulough is falling ill right in front of the Holy Shrine, before reading the Holy Gospel

of Mathew. Tonight the cardinals' isolation in Conclave will proceed, for appointing a new Pope. I feel my collapse is near. Oh God, I know that my destiny is in Your hands, please don't leave me, stay by my side. I want to become a Pope by all means. God, maybe they will choose me to serve You better than I did before. I want white smoke to be seen after the Conclave. I want them to shout"Habemus Papa" and I want me to be the elected one. Habemus Papa! Right now I feel I am breaking down and my clothes are heavier and heavier. The few young priests practicing under my guidance are looking at me, pryingly. Or maybe it is just an impression, anyway I feel like I'm not myself any more. Maybe they are wondering why cardinal Mc Coulough does not put his hands together and does not start with the reading of the Gospel. And they see all these happen to me, the cardinal who has told them more than once not to separate their hands under the cloak, but to keep them put together. I have run out of air. I am suffocating, as if all the air in the world has been stolen and kept far away from any human soul. I am collapsing. A young priest is coming to me. I can hear a murmur, the amazement of the people inside the Basilica of San Pietro where the sermon is delivered this morning. "Father, are you sick?" the priest asks me. I'm ill, I can't speak, and I feel my tongue as if it were made of lead. Now I realize I have fallen, I am lying down near the altar. Is it really me? Who am I? I was born sixty eight years ago in a district at the outskirts of New York. My parents were Irish emigrants, in one of the cheep areas of Brooklyn, with long rows of blocks of flats with narrow rooms that seemed to be looking at you, not only at your body, but at your soul as well. In spite of that, all my life I held dear the memory of those flats of my early childhood and that feeling of being watched had become friendly to me and, I have to admit it, it was part of my being. I can't imagine what our life would look like without the feeling of being crushed. We would never have otherwise the feeling of openness. I feel an enormous cliff is falling from the skies on my heart, crushing it, while a rope is strangling my neck. Both crushed and hung, that's all I am feeling now. Even if they crushed me, I used to love those cheap small rooms in Brooklyn. But now, the same sensation of being crushed frees my soul from the cliff that presses my heart. There is a black veil before my eyes, like on a cloudy but moonless night in the woods from Colorado. I was a student in a school in Brooklyn when on a summer holiday I and a few colleagues and the geography teacher took a trip to Colorado. I understood then that God was with me in the darkness of the night, and that it means more than the morning sun rays. I had got lost from the others. The night had come and I was shaking with fear. The heavy darkness was crushing my soul, like this cliff was crushing my heart. I suddenly said to myself: Help me, God! I don't know what came to me and why I said those words. A kind of peace I had never known before came upon my spirit. It was for the first time I had felt God beside me. He did not talk to me, I could not hear Him, but I knew God was there, in a place known only to my heart and to me. I started to grope into the darkness, and within my soul I was talking to God. He gave me inner peace and safety, which I needed so much, on that night when my childhood wandered away for a moment and it left room for a little bit of maturity, which told me that I should become a priest. I cannot forget the happiness I felt when I arrived at the cabin, and which gave me my childhood back, but never did it allow me to forget the few moments of maturity I lived when I was nine. I had discovered maturity on a dark night in Colorado, like the one I was living now. I got lost then and now I am lost again, despite my will. I was lost on that night and I found the way to God and my destiny in life by means of the loss itself. I can hear everything around me but I don't see a thing."What is wrong with the cardinal?" asks a priest. "I don't know," says another voice.

"Have you called an ambulance?" this voice sounds familiar. "It seems to be a cardiac arrest." "Cardiac arrest?" "Unbutton his shirt." "Yes, immediately." "Cardinal, can you hear me?" "I can hear you all right, I can hear you!" "Leave him alone, father, he cannot speak." "I can speak to you, I can hear you and I am even shouting at you, and you cannot hear me? I am not ready to die. I have never been ready to die, even if I taught the others how to get ready for that." "Let's see his pulse." "Oh, God, help the cardinal." "Help him, God, since he used to be such a special man." Was I really a special man or only a hyena, willing for new positions and honors? Why all that, since man is nothing before God, since I knew that everything is vanity and we never take our possessions with us into the other world? Why is it now when I am asking this question? I could have asked this question tens of years ago. Not now. What is to be done? My only chance is to try to find God like I did when I was nine and got lost in Colorado. I don't understand now why I cannot find Him now like I did then. I am definitely another person. "The ambulance is here, Cardinal," I hear a priest's voice."I don't think he can hear me..." "I'm so glad they came," I answer. I can hear everything, but probably I cannot speak. "Quickly, let's put him on a stretcher and let's take him to the ambulance, we should try to reanimate him. His pulse is almost zero. Maybe he has not died yet." "I'm not dead, doctor. I can hear all you say. How did you check my pulse? I haven't felt a thing." "Is he alive, doctor?" "Yes, he is alive.""Thank you, God, for not letting the cardinal die." I hear a priest's voice, followed by the murmur of the crowd in the San Pietro Basilica in Vatican. Will the Conclave be over tomorrow night and a new Pope will be elected? Will the smoke be white? In the darkness I can finally see a spark of light drawing near me from far away within myself. What a strange feeling! I have always felt space outside of my soul and not inside of it. The light is stronger and stronger, and it gains blurry contours, and I finally see my own mother, whom I had lost fifty years before. I don't know what to think. All the voices around me are gone. Its just me and my mother. "I missed you so much, Tommy, all this while since I could not talk to you, although I was right beside you, as a butterfly, or a wasp that you banished from your room. I often visited you in the rays of the morning sun that shone upon your destiny, my dear child." "I can't believe it's you see, mother, that I can hear your voice after so many years. It's so good to utter this word for real and not in your mind, dear mother. It's hard for the motherless, regardless of their age." "Oh, Tommy, my son..." "I can hear a voice: there's no use trying to reanimate him, he's dead." "No one has called me Tommy in tens of years. Where are we actually? Do you know I felt a cliff crushing my heart?" "I know, Tommy."

"What will happen to me now?" "I cannot tell you because only God will decide the place where you will be." "OK, but where am I currently?" "Now, my dear Tommy..." my mother said, crying like she did when I was only five and the owner of the flat wanted to evict us. It had been for the first time I had grieved with my mother although, on the other hand, I was happy because it was snowing nicely in Brooklyn. "Where, currently..." I asked her again. "You are nowhere, Tommy, nowhere, nowhere..." mother says while she is wandering away from me, becoming a shapeless ray of light that got lost into the darkness." "There's no use trying to reanimate him, he's dead..." a voice says. "Who's dead? I'm not dead; I'm as alive as I can be." Gradually, the black background in front of me fades away, and the dawn reappears, gaining persistent shapes. The deep night becomes a foggy morning where all kind of shapes appear, and they are all strange. Is this the morning of death or the dawn of a new life? The fog disappears gradually and I can see two doctors and one nurse around me. I am in an ambulance running to nowhere. "Where are we going, Doctor?" I ask. Strangely enough, the two doctors do not hear me. I try to move my mouth. I can do that, too. Then why do they pretend not to hear me? I feel I can move my hands and my feet. "Where are we going, doctor?" I shout this time. No one pays attention to me. I try to stand up. I feel in good shape. This can't be, Anthony Mc Coulough, maybe I am crazy and that is why these people think I should not be taken into consideration. Me crazy? Am I delirious? Although I am standing up, my body is lying on the stretcher in the ambulance. More than this, I can feel I am floating in the air. What a nice sensation is floating in the air, after crawling on the ground an entire lifetime! Am I dead? Is this life after death? I don't understand why am I floating above the stretcher where my inert body is lying?" In vain I shout as loud as I can, no one hears me. Actually, I probably don't have a mouth, but only the sensation of having one. I am just a spirit. God have mercy and show me the way where I can tread on my death on the path to the afterworld. I, the crazy, the merry and the sad, the rascal and the saint, Anthony McCoulough, the unlucky and the lucky one, a man of the vanity fair of the four corners of the world, of the four cardinal pillars of the endless horizons given by feeling and spirit of life from you, God, so that we should know there is always a Where and a Way and that never the cardinal pillars will move, despising life because they have been built for life to lean against them in the deadening struggle for survival. So God, if we did not fight fairly in this struggle it was only because I always wanted to be one farther than the others, so that I can become a winner and never a loser. Was I really a winner because I was a cardinal? Have I really defeated my own life or did it defeat me, giving me the final strike not when I was facing it, but more slyly, when I was in the arms of death. Maybe now life is following me into death, to defeat me, as it was not able to defeat me when I was in its arms. It is just as untrue to me in my death as I was to it when I was alive. How I wish I could live under the sun for one more day! Only in this moment of the truth represented by the life after death do I realize more the vainness of the moments lived under the sun. Hardly now do I realize that everything we leave behind in the universal background that is like a celestial library is the good we did in our life and that is all. The rest of it is vanity. An astral thought is telling me in my spirit that in the forgotten pasts of mankind the spirits who were born in order to die were full of kindness,

compassion, and understanding. There were no social layers, as we know them and no people of the power to decide over other destinies. Without a certain social structure the people did not want to become winners against other people, and thus they did not increase the fund of bad deeds, like it happens now. The only fight left by God for the spirits was the fight against the nature of badness, that can bring death to them, not only the bodily death during life but especially the death of the soul. What is actually left from us, from that amazing box of the Pandora that God gave us in order to empty it when we need to be guided more on the path of penitence. Not even the Box of Pandora was enough for us, because it is now empty, like a rotten prostitute, forgotten on a ditch. What is left of Pandora's Box, given by God to be our guide at the crossroads of the great times and destinies of man? Vanity, meanness, laziness, theft, lying, envy, opportunism and so on, since we do not have enough words and never will there be invented enough words to express the evil generated by mankind by civilization and knowledge. This evil gradually replaced love, purity, sincerity, truth, beauty, in one word goodness. So where is Pandora's Box, so it can help us remediate? It certainly got lost in this existence. Not even the remains of Pandora are left, in order to remediate our situation by means of the bad things contained by the box, because nowadays those bad things would be virtues instead of vices. The current society, with its luxurious banks and dictatorships of the politics and money, with alienated people who keep on running not knowing where and who struggle aimlessly for a lifetime, all these only for a higher position in the social hierarchy. Why? Televisions of lying advertisements, of butts praising sex for money, for the money of some low class pimps. Sex is only consumption industry and never love. New vulgar artistic trends and growing promiscuity are treasured because of sold and imbecile critics. This is a society of mothers who leave their new-born in hospitals, children start taking drugs before learning how to write or to read, a society full of pain and despair. A society of rape and crime and priests who sell their soul for a handful of money, after which they go to confession. They think God is some sort of store at the city outskirts, where a priest lives among whores and pimps. The priest receives everybody daily for confession, for their sins over the day to be forgiven, but when a new customer shows up, they sin again. I used to be such a priest of money. I don't know what I could do to repent now. God, I admit and I am sorry that there is nothing I can do now, I am in the same situation I was before my birth. Maybe then I was purer than I am now, after I soiled myself in the mud under the sun. I am afraid, God, I am a coward and I am unclean before You. Mercy me, because you are a kind and merciful God, Who has always known how to forgive. Forgive me, God, in Your big Mercy, Amen. Then I arrived there in a land of stone. It was Petra. An old city carved in rock in the Middle East. The sun was burning. A spirit or I don't know what brought me in the plaza at the centre of the wonderful Petra, where caravans conveying incense took refuge and had a rest. Long ago, incense was more precious than gold. The spirit or that unseen force, unknown and still present, asked me to follow it in one of the outstanding buildings carved in rock, maybe one of the most beautiful portals I had ever seen. Its architecture expressed a strange feeling, as if the genesis of beauty, of the architectural style and classicism would have started from Petra. It is important that I entered the portal and we arrived in a big, cool room, as big as an airport hall. Finally I saw a narrow door and I was very curious to find out what was behind it, because it was surrounded by human skulls and bizarre geometrical symbols. I felt that curiosity intertwined with hope and will, annihilating any will of doubt. An unseen force that seemed invincible had come from behind that door. I was like a leaf carried by the wind somewhere, in an undefined, but wanted place. I tried to open the door but I couldn't. I tried again and again, but in vain. The door did not move and it remained shut, just like

in the beginning. I don't know what came to me but I started to punch it, shouting with all my might: Slam open! Slam open, you door blocking all my burning desires and hopes! Then I heard a voice coming from behind me, but at the same time it was in front of me: "Why do you want to open this door, nameless and wandering soul? You soul who want to write your destiny, which cannot be written. You lying and ungrateful apprentice of the Giver of All Hope, Will and Existence! Why would you face with will and hope the will and hope themselves of the Great Creator of the Universe? You are not even one trace of dust at the crossroads fo the Great Destiny, because the wind of the moments has scattered you a long time a go, so that Time does not remember seeing you, not even before your birth. You, who have faced the Great Creator of the Universe, plotting, lying, mocking, cursing and gossiping! You who, by your pride, have soiled even the shrine created by the souls in the world with Time. You and the other unclean apprentices considered the salvation from sin to be a mill grinding sins incessantly, during the entire lifetime, and giving virtue instead. What a lie and how much you soil the salvation!" Salvation was not given for you to sin, but to give up your life in sin, since it has once washed away your great sin!" "Who are you, Voice?" I asked looking at the stone of the cold and impersonal walls, that seemed to become heavier. "Who am I? First of all who are you, unclean apprentice, wearing the sign of the cross on your forehead!" "I am Anthony Mc Coulough, God's priest". "So you, a rascal and worthless apprentice, are God's priest! All your life you have taken all opportunity to appease your thirst for positions and powers. You did everything you could to become the great priest." "I have killed no one. I am aware that I did what I had to. So help me God." "So help you God, you liar. You are the son of the adder, conceived in the total darkness of dissipation, at the fall of Times, when the rocks of virtue, piousness and righteousness crumbled. You are such a big liar that you lie even to yourself, and even the dew would dry away, had it known what an adder is taking joy in it." "I have killed no one," I repeated. "I did not say you killed physically, but morally you did. In your thirst for power you marred even salvation, sinning all the time and like a magician you ran the next day into the altar room, to wash away your misdeeds. You marred salvation and the martyr. Your own cross carved by the Destiny on your forehead reads three numbers six instead of martyrdom." "Who are you, woman," I shouted with great fear,"Show your face if you really exist!" "You want to know who I am? Look at me!" I could not believe my eyes. A most beautiful woman, adorned with gold, precious stones and emeralds, spreading all around her a strong myrrh odor, was holding in her hand a golden cup, just like the Bible says: she was the great Harlot. She must have kept in that cup the filthiness and the abominations of her dissipation. It read on her forehead: The Great Babylon, the mother of harlots and of the abominations on the Earth. It is like in the Revelation in the Holy Bible, chapter seventeen, line five. This is the woman who got drunk with the blood of the saints and of Jesus's apprentices. Suddenly I started to hear another voice, it was as strong as a thunder and more menacing than all the hurricanes of the Earth. A man's voice told me: "Come to see the judgment of the Great Harlot who sits on many waters." It was the first line of chapter seventeen in the Book of Revelation. Then I don't

know how the eighth line of the same chapter in the Revelation came to my mind. "The beast I saw was but is no more. This beast will ascend out of the bottomless pit and go to perdition. And those whose names are not written in the Book of Life from the foundation of the world will be marveled by when they see it was, it is not and is yet to come". I was terrified. The Great Harlot is stronger than the Times whose midwife she had been at their birth. This time I am looking at her face in great terror. An inner force urges me to take a stand and to defend myself. "You, the Great Harlot, are judging me, who has served God for a lifetime?" "I am your destiny's judge, Anthony McCoulough!" "Who would have judged me, had I been a Muslim, Shiit, Budhist, Lamaist, HIndu, Shintoist, Jew or an atheist?" "Every soul is judged in under its law. No soul can exist without a Law and no law is tougher or milder than the others. All laws are about the sum of good and bad deeds, related to their importance. The scales of the Great Creator of the Universe is never wrong because these scales are the Basic Truth itself." "Then why the Great Creator has not given us the possibility to know the Basic Truth? "If you had known the Basic Truth, the Beginning, the End, the Infinite and the Destiny, you would no longer be souls, but God. Amen, said the thrilling woman before me." "Then why did God create us, just to torment us? Just to see souls subject to mistakes?" "Not at all, you worthless apprentice. Would you know what happiness is or selffulfillment if you had not existed?" "No, we wouldn't, Great Harlot, but we would not know sufferance and the tough fight for existence either. Life contains more pain than happiness, more cry than fulfillment," I shouted to the Great Harlot. "You are right," she said,"but all souls make for happiness, regardless of the balance between good or bad deeds." "I don't understand," I said to the stirring woman. "Don't you get it? Those souls with a bigger negative load, who have done more sins, will pay first, and afterwards they will resume their race to the final goal: Happiness." "Should I be judged by the Great Harlot?" "Why does God allow us to sin, just in order to be punished?" "There is no happiness wihtout pain. God loves you even when He punishes you." "Is God happy?" "I, the Great Harlot, cannot say if He is happy or sad. All I know is that He does not submit Himself to happiness, since He does not need more happiness, as well as He does not need more sadness.God has them more than anyone else." "Is it natural for me to be judged by the Great Harlot?" I shouted again, while I looked againt at the Harlot. "The Great Harlot might become one day your aim, since I am over your kindness and sincerity." "You mean you have more virtues than I do? You, the Great Harlot?" "Many human ages will pass in the desert of feelings and shallow words before mankind is mature enough to understand that that they should try to gain the qualities I have." "Mankind should desire to become the Great Harlot? Why? Which are the qualities to be worshipped?"

"First of all, I am not a fake harlot and the Great Harlot, the real one, who knows its name from the Holy Bible. I am the Great Harlot, who will take part in the mankinds farewell banquet in the Revelation. Meanness, fakeness, lie, pride, adultery, cheating, and many others, are my blazons, I take pride in them and I carry them with me in this harlot heart that is still beating while waiting for the Apocalypse. You, Anthonu Mc Coulough, after having bathed a lifetime in the waves of mankind, trying to wash away the dirtiness inside yourself, do you really think youve made that? Dont you tell me you have not found the soap or that there was no running water at the showers, because I cant believe you. Not even I, the Great Harlot, do not understand God, namely why it was necessary for those village bathing houses called the Moments of Mankind to be built up? Since not even one soul came out clean from there. Some of them come to me stinking more or less from their sins, with the dirt from their misdeeds, all of them dirty from the appalling sins they have purchased at the counter of their life." "What about the souls who go to heaven?" I asked the beautiful woman. "Never and since always, without time and space, has any soul gotten to heaven. In the event it did, the heaven would immediately turn into hell. Once you have it, everything you obtain during an existence loses its value and becomes boredom or anguish. Heaven is a beautiful dream, possibly the weirdest dream that exists beyond time and spaces. It is the only dream that reminds you how much you need hell, because from the hell you will be able to admire and understand the beauty of heaven, and from the heaven the beauty of Hell. I do not understand why people are so much afraid of hell," the Great Harlot told me. "Hell is what is worse, there is fire and there are tormented souls, paying for their sins," I said. "Tormented souls in hell?" the Great Harlot shouted. "Yes, they are tormented," I said. "If they are tormented in hell, what happens to them in heaven?" she asked me, mockingly. "They are happy and fulfilled." "Word, words, words, you, crazy priest.! Why do you think souls are happy in heaven? Because they eat and drink and have as much fun as much as they want? Because hunters have game, priests have rich parishioners, pimps have whores, drivers have luxury cars, sailors have ships and whores have lovers? Is this the reason why it is good to be in heaven? I dont think so. The real gate of heaven is the door that is open for you and that you call hell in your stupidity. The paradise of bankers would be countless money, the politicians' heaven the belief in their most brazen lies, and teh criminals' killing without being discovered. Tell me, crazy and lawless priest, what would be paradise if it were as each man wants it. The Great Harlot, whom you dont want to be judging you, namely I, am telling you that it would be the deepest inferno." "Then why is paradise the reward for good deeds and inferno the punishment for misdeeds?" "The reward you say... the reward for the good or bad deeds that have been or have not been made where time is only an illusion. There is no reward in paradise, but only in hell, because only in hell you will be rewarded with the paradise. Thats the truth." "I dont understand," I retorted. "If you made good deeds on Earth, you will be rewarded accordingly in hell." "What about bad deeds?" "In hell they will be heavier than the lead clouds that will cover the ocean of your soul. Those who get to heaven have their misdeeds in their souls, but those are misdeeds only for the paradise," the Great Harlot said.

"I am wondering of misdeeds are tormenting in paradise." "It depends, there are misdeeds that torment the soul arrived in heaven more than they would have tormented in hell, while others are erased. It depends on the importance of the sin." "How can you be rewarded for a fact such as helping an old woman to cross the street? As long as there is no old age in paradise and therefore, no soul will be able to help you cross the street when you are old?" "It is true, there's no old age in paradise, only eternal and boring youth. There is no pain and competition, because all souls have what they need. Each soul separately does only good to the others. Therefore, it receives only good in its turn. The only unfulfilled wish in paradise is that no matter how much souls want to do harm or to be harmed, this is not possible. In paradise no one walks on grass, only on especially arranged areas, no one curses and throw rubbish anywhere except for the bins, no one is allowed to drink alcohol or smoke. No one can have a party or fornicate; they can only live honestly with their spouse. No one can become prouder or richer than the others, although they all have more than they would wish in an earthly life. This is the paradise, you, lawless priest" said the Great Harlot. "How can I escape from Paradise?" I asked. "Its simple," the Great Harlot shouted. "How?" I repeated. "Learning while you are alive the most important thing, that each man should know." "Which is that?" I asked. "All your life you should only learn how to die! All your life is not worth it if the moment you die takes you unprepared. Understand that the soul's paradise is the inferno and the souls who have arrived in paradise knowing that they have done many good deeds, are there only because they had an Aim, namely to do good in order to be rewarded. Now they receive their reward. It is good to choose in life the middle path. Never expect a reward for a deed, whether good or bad. A big sin is to wait for reward. Your soul is not merchandise that you put on the stall of a destiny and not a mercenary of your life. Everything you do, do it with all your heart, for heart and not for the pocket. Each man has his own paradise and inferno. I am here because to give everyone what they deserve. As for you, crazy priest, I will change my mind. I will close the hells gate and I will send you to paradise, where no one makes mistakes, where the paradise is for all and for no one in particular, where no one can upset the others by the excesses they make, because everyone is rich and they must be happy." "Please, Great Harlot, do not close the hells door for me, I want to get in." "Theres no way back now, crazy priest. Its very late here, where there is no time and space. Therefore, the hell's door will remain closed. Your only way is the paradise because you longed for it all your life, in your opportunism, and you displayed this attitude emphatically even here, on the Judgment Day, as you mortals call it." "Please, dont send me to paradise." "The decision is already taken." "Cant there be a paradise just for me?" "No way. In your paradise all the people would have to please you, and you would feel good. This is not possible. When people want to please you, creating a paradise for you, they would live in hell, and your paradise would be supported on the feet of a hell. Do you think that if you were alone and could not communicate with the others, would you be happy, even if you had everything you needed? If you lived forever in solitude, having all you need but not company, would you be happy? Man is not only a social being, but his soul, after leaving the body is part of the Great Contemplation of the

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Great Creator. Paradise, like any kind of existence, needs a term of comparison. And you as a soul need other souls to compare to, otherwise everything is meaningless. Only this way your actions your actions have a value. What if you were born alone on Earth? You would have owned the entire Earth, but that would have not been relevant toyou, since you were alone. The being needs compare." "To whom and how?" "Even to the natural phenomena. To warmth, cold, rain, storm, mountains, plains, oceans, stars, sun, moon, in a word to everything that surrounds you and all these are not enough if they were not beings, since you were born a being. Therefore, the society, the culture, the legal norms, science, would all disappear. Maybe youd better say Homo Comparatus instead of Homo Sapiens. Heaven exists only by comparison. the lonelier you are the more your paradise is diminished. Hadn't there been evil to compare to the good, your paradise would be null. This is a great paradox of existence, namely:"Never can paradise be just for you and for you only. It will never belong to you alone. Everything that surround you takes part in it, and your paradise can become a hell for them. That is why I, The Great Harlot exist, to give enough hell so that paradise be born. Misdeeds would not exist, had there not been good deeds."If there had not been good and evil, we would not exist, because our existence is entirely based on contraries: good and evil, beauty and ugliness, positive and negative and so on. No soul can exist only through good or only through evil. The contraries result in comparisons, so in our intelligibility. Those who show off, saying they want to do only good actually do only harm, because they are opportunists waiting for heavenly reward in return. I can't deny there exist souls who do good without expecting a reward. It is true that only this good will be really rewarded. Such deeds are rare because generally human actions are End-centred and it is true what they say, that the end justifies the means, which is so characteristic to human kind."" "What about moral?" I asked the beautiful woman. "Moral? You make me laugh when you, Anthony McCoulough, remind me of this word. What is moral? What is moral meant to be? A code of what is good to be done or not? Made by liars and opportunists, criminals, killers of weaker nations in unfair conquest wars, who are not pleased with richness beyond compare, but who always want more? Why don't you ask me what is the moral of dirty wealth desire of mean people, so degenerated that they think stealing the wealth or the work of others is moral. There are as many morals as societies! For example, the moral of antiquity was different from that of the Middle Ages or the Primitive Commune." "There are ten commands in the Bible," I said to the Great Harlot. "Its true, stupid priest. The Bible appeared when the evil in the souls had grown too much compared to good, and the people of Israel needed a backbone to build their own future. The ten commands are good for the soul who does not obey them only because of opportunism, but unconditionally. Too much evil would have killed the people of Israel, while too much good would have not. The human soul makes for good, but the nature of this good is very important. What is good today might become evil tomorrow. The soul climbs up one stair towards good, leaving the good of yesterday as evil and yesterdays evil as worse today." "What exactly generated good and evil in our existence?" I asked the Great Harlot. "Time, as there is no comparison in its absence." "What about space?" "Space is also time, but the Illusion of Life appears in it as a display of geometries." "Where is mankind heading to?" "To me, the Great Harlot and the Revelation."

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"To you? Why, Great Harlot?" "Because the mankind wants to get to paradise." "Isnt it natural to be so?" "As natural as can be." "So what, then?" I asked. "This is the paradox that resulted in the Primeval Sin. The more man runs to the paradise, the wider open are the Hells gate for him," said the beautiful woman. "But if it runs to the hell, will he get to heaven?" "No way," she answered very determined. "Therefore we are only banned from the paradise." "It is not a ban, but never will man have to look for paradise in order to obtain it. Weird as it might seem to you, in order to find paradise you never have to fight, but for the hell you will have to use all your strength in order to accept the struggle of the afterlife!" "Life is a struggle." "Of course it is a struggle and that is why it becomes by itself a Mirage Path of its own Illusion I, a Path to the hell. Can you tell me where the struggle of life came, this tough and ruthless struggle, since man appeared on Earth?" "At first there was the struggle for food which, when the technology developed, became the struggle for power. Do you think that man is more free now than he was 100 or thousands of years ago, due to the technological development? You are wrong! He does not fight with the beasts, but he fights for a better social position, for wealth that is never enough, for power! As you can see, in hell the man found the food to live on, and with the so called evolution this hell became a social hell, in one word, the struggle for power! Regardless of the form of power: financial, political, legal, technological, cultural or many others, but this fight is an infernal one! The human being was doomed the moment they appeared on Earth! No matter if at first they lived in small groups of gatherer-hunters, this being was doomed to fight for its own existence, killing in order not to be killed, to survive and get rid of the endemic and tormenting hunger, which was burning it like a merciless monster. What could they do? Die in hunger or kill? The hunger generated the society, the science, and the culture gave man consciousness, putting him on a new stair in the hierarchy of hell, so he became aware of his condition of convict on this planet, being convicted to hunger, despair and anguish. In his craziness, man thought he was running to the Paradise, inventing the fire, the needle, Eve's Apple, Adam's rib, philosophy, poetry, technology, but it was not at all like that. You are wrong, you, crazy priest. Even more, the Man is swamped in the mire of the real Hell, coming ot control even the birth, which is not allowed in the Paradise, namely the real paradise and not the inferno man created which is emphatically called Society. Only when mankind has conquered the Earth reaching at the top of the trophic chain pyramid, did they really conquer the Inferno, since the real Paradise is not conquered, but earned. Which are the social stairs to Inferno? Regardless of the type of societies, namely: Primitive, Slave, Feudal, Capitalist or Communist, all of them had a hierarchy in their structure. They all became gates of the Inferno. Just like the employers and communists leaders do not work like the employed ones, the masters of slaves were never slaves. Therefore, the Paradise became narrower, only for few people, favored by fate, who did their best to keep this paradise for the loss of the great majority, who lived their daily inferno, and who prayed for their death in the Paradise of the powerful ones, in order to receive the Paradise from the Bible preached by priests like you, but only if they obeyed the religious Dogma you avoided. It is true that it is good to obey certain religious rules, such as the ten commands. It is good for the souls who, even if they cannot obey the said rules entirely on Earth, they should at least try to

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do so, and if they do wrong they should get even in the most hidden corners of their being the consciousness of Sin. The door to the paradise is actually the Consciousness of Sin that the souls have to open sooner or later if they want to leave forever the Door to the Hell, namely any Society with its lies and alienation from Man. Thus, the man's fight is fought between the Consciousness of Sin and the human society, meaning between the Door to Paradise and the Door to Hell, between Good and Evil. The need for a Primeval Sin and Curse occurs the moment when Man realizes he cannot live without society and its evil but he also cannot get rid of wishing for a Paradise that cannot be compatible with the society. Thus, Man is obligated to make for the Paradise giving it one of the biggest prices of his own consciousness, namely accepting the weight of the Consciousness of Sin, which originally receives the connotation of Primeval Sin. Only this way the Man can dream of the Paradise and he is not wrong about this matter! Then why does he not become distant from the Society and does not take refuge entirely in the Paradise? Exactly because Man is a social being and the wished for Paradise would be an Inferno in its current development as a social consciousness, namely as cognoscibility, volition and affectivity! Thus, the Man is Doomed to love Hell until he is mature to enough to understand the Paradise it longs for with all his heart, without being able to accept it. This is the greatest Paradox of the Human Condition! Man in himself is a Paradox because inside of him is fought the cruel fight between Hell and Paradise, and he cannot live without Hell, but craving all his existence for the Paradise! In a nutshell, Man is half Angel and half Beast. The Beasts Paradise is the Hell with its door, the Human Society, this treaty of crime and punishment, and the angel's Paradise is the Consciousness of Sin, Hell for the Beast but alleviation and ecstasy for the ANGEL! In the true Paradise there is no soul that might benefit from the work and the servitude of the others, namely from other's hell, as happens on Earth. The social hierarchy on Earth is not absolutely equivalent to the one in Paradise because in Paradise the type of hierarchy will always be totally opposite to the one on Earth, and this will lead to the reasoning that God is not regarded in Paradise as a Ruler of everyone, as Man thinks in his earthly blindness, but as a Neighbor, the closest one to the thinking of the people in the true Paradise, who live and feel the Paradise! The Beast will have its own Paradise, which has become mans hell the moment he received self-awareness and knew that he existed, fact that demonstrates that the man realized the harmful nature of the Beasts paradise, and he is trying to escape from it, even if it is tributary to paradox, namely that he cannot live for the moment deprived of the beast's paradise, but he struggles for God's paradise, having and accepting the consciousness of sin. Thus, the Beasts paradise is a Hell for God and Gods Paradise is a Hell for the Beast. That is why you cannot adapt yet, Anthony Mc Coulough, because you have more of the Beast than of God in your soul. Now you are in God's paradise, the Paradise you used to preach to people, but you are a stranger to this place, maybe more of a stranger than many of those for which you played the part of a savior, in order to bring them here. You ended up begging for the Beast's Paradise, the Paradise of that one you used to hate and banish from your soul but you returned in its arms every day, more and more discouraged by the end you felt near, knowing that life is not eternal on Earth and more than this, positions and ranks are not eternal. Still, there are many fools who think they are eternal by those positions and richness they acquired by cheating or by their attempts to be always the first. All these are only vanity in the earthly life! Even when you were upset because life passes and you were growing old, you were actually serving the Beast once more, because you only regretted this way certain goods or positions you had on Earth. You are doomed to exist in Gods Paradise, whose priest you used to be and whom you claimed to have been serving. Had you really

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done that, you would not be blind in God's Paradise, but you would see the utmost beauties, living the supreme moments of ecstasy that a soul can live! Try to suppress the Beast inside of you, banish it! You must have the strength to draw near God, to be beside Him even during this supreme torment you are going through. This is the only way you can get rid of Hell. This is why the Holy Bible was trying to" train"you for the Paradise, opening its door which is actually the Consciousness of Sin! The same thing happens with the other Books of other religions! The Basic Truth about Paradise is not what the great majority of people think. Never, but never will Man be able to accept the Real Paradise because the Man would have to know the Basic Truth, and the Real Paradise is based on the Basic Truth of Existence, Non-Existence, of all the Existential Levels and all the levels that exist or do not exist, the notions, up to the great creator of the Universe, namely God. For the Beast inside of you the Real Paradise is the most burning Hell! As you can see, it's not God who will not allow you to enter the Paradise, it's you yourself. God wants all souls to arrive to that place, but the soul of man cannot accept the Real Paradise, since it has not banished the Beast inside of it during lifetime." "Shall we ever know the real Paradise?" I asked the Great Harlot. "This depends on each soul separately, on how close you can get to God, the creator of all Seen and Unseen Things!" "Why has God created Hell then?" "Because He wanted it to be the Paradise." "In one word, the Basic Truth, Absolute Love and all the things that exist and do not exist?" "EXACTLY, that is why God or the Great Creator created the Paradise." "But maybe it would have been better without Paradise, Love and Basic Truth" I said to the Great Harlot in the Revelation. "Why?" she answered to me by a question. "Because this way the Hell would not exist, either." "Nooooooo...." shouted the beast, hissing like a bomb in a war. Only now do I realize the mistake I've made. Who knows what will happen to my soul now. The Harlot of the Revelation continued: "You are nothing and besides you are a rebel, should I understand? A rebel in Paradise?" "I just asked a question, Great Harlot," I said frightened. "Aren't you afraid of God?" she asked me. "Oh, yes, I admit I am afraid because He has all the power over me and compared to Him I am just a dust in the endless ocean of eternity." "Yes, it is true, you are only a dust in the endless ocean of eternity," the Great Harlot in the Revelation told me. "I am wondering if this Paradise is not worthless compared to the beast's paradise? Which is the difference between the divine and the beast's hierarchy? The hierarchy exists in both cases; the only difference resides in the fact that you feel free in Paradise!" I don't know what came to me and why I said all these things to the Great Harlot in the Revelation, maybe I felt an impulse I could not stop or maybe some sort of revolt against the so much praised paradise. The Big Harlot did not utter a word. She was as still as a slab of stone and was looking at me with some sort of superiority, but full of understanding at the same time. "You are right for the first time since you came to this paradise: hierarchies should differ, too" she said to me, looking at me with the same understanding look as she did first, and then she resumed:

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"God's hierarchy is totally different from the Beast's hierarchy!" This time I can feel the amazement in my own voice. "No matter how different the hierarchy is, it still remains a hierarchy, namely it has a leader and the subjects are on lower positions." "So it is", the Great Harlot told me,"but God's Hierarchy is based on love, kindness, mercy and the list could go on endlessly." "Yes, you are right about that, Great Harlot of the Revelation. But for this love, mercy and kindness to exist, the beast is necessary, because absent the Beast's hell, love kindness and mercy would have no term of comparison to relate to. How could kindness exist without the opposite, namely meanness, and how could Paradise be without Hell?" Had there been only Hell, we could consider it Paradise since we would not know what Paradise is, and we can say in the same way about the Paradise that had there been only Paradise, we would not know what Paradise, as well as Hell are. And this is the case when we assign to Paradise and Hell the statute of Existence, namely something that exists, but what if they do not exist? What if they don't have a PLACE under the sun and a TIME of their own? What is Paradise and what is Hell then? What about God' s love and the Basic Truth? "You are wrong," the Great Harlot told me. "I am not God to know all these." "That's right," she said mildly, but promptly. "That is right, Great Harlot of the Apocalypse, I am a nothing and I must obey, so to say: I must be coordinated, humble and tormented, in order to please the Paradise created by God. Then by accepting and creating the divine hierarchy isn't God a beast and the beast a god? The shinier the heaven, the darker the hell! Who are you actually, you, Great Harlot of the Revelation, aren't you a lie as big as the illusory life on Earth? Aren't you the man in himself or more than that, man's life?" Aren't I right now talking to my own life, seeing it in its absolute nakedness, some kind of Basic Truth at my individual level? "You could be expelled from Paradise for such statements, as well as from the hell. You might be accepted only by nothingness and its eternity," told me the great harlot obviously annoyed, and then she paused in a tomb-like and forced silence or so occurred to me, and then she resumed: "Or you can receive eternal life on Earth! Though you will wish to die, you will never be able to do that." "Isn't Paradise also eternal life, with no death? Isn't this mankind's dream? Then why would you turn this holy dream into a hell, great harlot of the Revelation? Why must this sacred dream become a threat?" "You, Anthony Mc Colouhg, as a simple mortal never will you understand God. .." "But as an immortal?" I interrupted the Great Harlot. "Not even then, because God is above your and my understanding." "If He's so good, why does He keep His superiority so far away from us?" I asked again. "Mind your words, Anthony Mc Colough, 'cause they might throw you out of the Paradise and Hell" the Great Harlot shouted at me. "Then tell me why can't I really understand God?" "Because at first you have to understand yourself! Otherwise you will never really understand God. Rioting against Him, you riot against yourself. You mocked at His kindness but in His glory He is in you, and you are blinder than the eternal darkness and

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more rebellious than the lie of earthly life! You cannot understand God because you will always relate Him to your own cognoscibility, namely if you are both Beast and Angel, then God must be like you: half Demonic and Half Divine! And after all you are wondering why is God only Divine? Because otherwise He would no longer be your God!" "Look at Him and Understand Him only from the Divine point of view and not the Demonic one! Understand Him only as an Angel and not as a Beast because otherwise you will come to saying that Man will have to do only harm in order to become an angel." "I can't deny you are right, Great Harlot, but in life, happiness comes after much suffering!" I answered. "It is right, in the Illusion of Life only when you accept God exclusively as an Angel will the Illusion of Life change gradually and it will no longer be an enemy of the human soul. There won't be necessary so much sufferance for a little bit of happiness." "Where is the place of Paradise?" I asked the beautiful woman. "The Paradise is not a PLACE because it does not follow the rules of space! You can say something like"the souls will arrive to that place" only figuratively. The Paradise is not a DREAM, but it is not reality either, considering that souls conceive reality from the point of view of the Illusion of their own life, the Illusion tributary to the dissonancy of its own spaces and times that do not exist in the non-existing reality. The reality does not exist as geometrical and temporal spatiality, both as existence and as dream because the Great Contemplation of God does not accept reality for itself because it does not have an equivalent to relate to the Great Contemplation, because the Great Contemplation itself cannot relate to itself, saying it is real or unreal!" "Now I understand, my dear woman!" "Dont call me"dear" or"woman"!" "Now I see," I repeated, in a more determined voice." I understand why I cannot receive the Hell or the Paradise, maybe I am still thinking too much and that is why I am not ready for any of them. What I do not understand is why we have been given the capacity to think, since it is useless? Is thinking such a bad thing before God or is free thinking more than a crime? Maybe my earthly Paradise was due to the Hell of those in the sky or only to an Illusion of mine?" "I can't understand you, extremely rebellious philosopher priest! In spite of all these, the divinity will help you to get to heaven because you refused the Hell at the beginning of your way to death. Now you will leave for the real Paradise and you will be with those who were humble and knew how to obey for real the commands in the Holy Bible. With those who every morning adorned their heartbeats with the belief in God, who did not riot in their earthly life and especially in Heaven. A rebel will never know the real Paradise because it is not something to be known and understood, since everything that depends on knowledge and science belongs to the world of Profane. And you, Anthony Mc Coulough, are not in a world of Profane and despair thereof, resulted from knowledge and fear but in a world of Harmony, and those who have the Profane in their heart cannot feel the cosmic harmony of paradise, turning the latter into a real Hell." Harmony is the opposite of knowledge, since it does not obey the rules of any logic; it is fully master over what lies outside time and space and the cosmic ecstasy and the eternal peace and coming to peace with oneself. Knowledge is only the matrix supporting the laws of the logics of the Illusion of Life, it is only clay forming a geometry and a dialectic owing to the same matrix, and in its melting pot the metal that

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will result in the shape of Illusion of Life of Lie of the Universe is melted. Knowledge is disharmony. The more knowledge is more profound, the less is the Disharmony and the other way round. The reverse of Knowledge is Instinct, which becomes for Harmony the same as the Knowledge is for Disharmony. The Instinct lies at the basis of Everything, including the spiritual energies. By Instinct, the primordial God uttered:"I!". He utters that now and He always will, since time does not exist. The only one that exists is the Basic Truth, lying at the basis of the uniqueness in diversity, supporting eternally the Thought of the Primordial Consciousness, which becomes Primeval Thought, by attributing Absolute Knowledge along with the Basic Truth. The latter already existed when the Thought of the Primordial Consciousness became aware of its own Instinct, which He has in Himself, just like the diversity has in itself uniqueness and vice versa, and they become, without being determined, one and the same with God's I "If life is a lie, why has God given it to us? Just in order to have fun or to educate us for an Illusory Paradise which, in the afterlife, proves to be even more relative than the lie in itself?" I said to the Great Harlot of the Apocalypse. "You can't possibly know what is the use of the Illusion of Life in the Harmony of the Universe and you were not given the Illusion of Life because you could not have been educated any other way, but you were given the free will so that you can create your own harmony. And it is not God's fault that man created his own hell inside the Garden of Eden, which really existed on Earth." "Wasn't endowing man with the free will a mistake of the creation? Didn't God know that here, better said there, on Earth, a hell would be born and it would kill Paradise?" "He knew all that, but by the illusion of life on Earth He only gave angel-like breath to the beast, in order to bring it back into the cosmic harmony of paradise. Man is the beast who will become angle and the hell that will become paradise." "This means that when God contemplated the world through the great contemplation, giving eternal birth to the paradise of universe, God contemplated also the beast and the world, giving eternal birth to them, too. I am wondering if the will to contemplate the paradise was the greatest mistake, because it gave birth to hell. It could have been better without a paradise since there would not exist hell, couldnt it" "Such a question frightens even me, deserted soul. You are not here to speak about God's mistakes, but about your own." "So you do accept it was mistake of creation, don't you? This mistake turned into the Illusion of Life, into the Primeval Sin. This Primeval Sin comes from God and not from man. The issue is that man undertook it because man considers himself and he actually is a God in miniature, assigning God even the shape of a man. Had man been like a tiger in appearance, his God would definitely be tiger-shaped!" "Have you ever wondered, Anthony Mc Coulough, what if God no longer had the attributes of the Illusion of Life, the attributes of human logics? What would that God look like? What if you could no longer think of God with Mans attributes? He would become a stranger God, alienated from man, who would annihilate Him, leaving a void in man's soul. Man would fill that void with a totally new God, closer to man, more cooperative and that might be continuously by mans side, to understand him and to make him feel loved and supported. You know so well that man is not perfect and man's God is an imperfect God, because man created Him! He is created by man's Illusion of Life, but the real God is above the one created by the human mind, and that is teh Great Creator of the Universal harmony, who contemplated the world, creating it. Only man's God is imperfect because man is imperfect, unlike the God of the Great Contemplation, of the universal harmony who delivered the universe without time and space, with no

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beginning and no end! The difference between man's God and the god of harmony is the same as the difference between the truth of man and the Basic Truth of the Universe and of the Great Contemplation. It is true that man's God made mistakes, because the MAN made mistakes! Unlike the God of the Great Universal Contemplation, who delivered Everything without time and spaces. Mans God is Man! No matter how hard you try to find a Flaw in Perfection and False in the Truth, the truth will come multiplied by thousands, millions and so on, in order to deny your will to tread on the great truth that is God's perfection! Now you will go to Paradise, Anthony Mc Coulough! You will be with those who did not know opportunism or lie, pride or megalomania. You will be with those for whom poverty and humility were virtues and cowardice a vice, heavier than the gray sky forecasting a hurricane on the ocean. Other souls have gone through several stages of the hells in order to get to the real Paradise, so that they could feel this Paradise in the entirety of its harmony." "Will I be able to communicate with other souls, arrived in Paradise in order to pay their punishment?" "It is only up to you!" shouted the Great Harlot of the Revelation in the Holy Bible. "If its only up to me, what must I do not to be alone in Paradise?" "Ponder about Gods laws, you will find them in the Theory of Snows, ponder about the Truth of Truths and the Origin of Everything so you can Decide what is good to be done in Paradise and what is not because only thus you can understand if it is good to do a certain thing in Paradise. You will understand why you are a slave in Paradise and not a king in hell." "Now I see" I said, this time without doubt. I know why I cannot receive Paradise in my soul; Im not ready for it. I admit that a part of my earthly Paradise was supported by my subjects hell and the real hell that I was part of." "I understand you as well, Anhtony Mc Coulough, but this time, as a punishment for refusing the hell that was offered to you at first, you will be sent to the real Paradise, although you don't deserve that one, either. No one can banish you from Paradise, except God. I cannot banish you. If I had had such power, I would have thrown out many souls a long time ago, and would have done this especially to your soul. I sentence you to Paradise. You will be with those who were humble and knew how to obey for real the commands in the Holy Bible. With those who every morning adorned their heartbeats with prayers, parables and teachings about the real Paradise. You will be there with those who knew no opportunism, lie, pride or megalomania. For them humility and poverty was a virtue and cowardice a tormenting vice. You will meet in paradise other souls, too, just as lost as you are, souls that feel fully the Hell of Paradise, which is also the most frightening of Hells! The Hell has several stages, but the closer you get to God, the more the Hell turns faster into Paradise. "Are there other souls sentenced to Paradise?" I asked the Great Harlot in the Revelation. "Yes, there are," she answered. "Can you tell me what mistakes some of them made?" I asked her. "What mistakes?" the Great Harlot repeated. Then she added:"Some of them killed, others committed suicide, cheated, stole, lied..." "I see, so all of them are Doomed to Paradise because they refused the Hell?" "Exactly, Anthony M Coulough, all of them, but absolutely all of them begged me not to send them to Hell and thus I offered them the Paradise, compulsorily." "Why is the soul of somebody who committed suicide considered to be a sinner? This soul hurt no one except for himself. If he could not put up with life any more, why

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isn't he allowed to kill himself? Is Mans Life some sort of God's Paradise, where each soul sees la vie en rose more or less? Then why I, who sinned, felt the Paradise en rose and somebody who committed suicide sees it in black?" "Man's life or the earthly Paradise is not a Paradise, it is more of a Hell," the Great Harlot told me. There is a Paradise in each Hell, because God in His Great Contemplation contemplated this salvation so that both the real Paradise and the Hell should not get destroyed, but persist as a Path of Salvation for souls!" "This Path of Salvation is also the Great Salvation of God's Great Contemplation?" I asked the Great Harlot from the Revelation. "God' s kindness and mercy is obvious here. He left the Path of Salvation for an entire show of the worlds!" she said. "Nothing would have existed without a Path of Salvation, maybe not even God, who thus saves Himself, because had there not been a Path of Salvation, Hell would become a Pure Paradise and the Paradise would be the same eternal Door to Hell, since everything would be reduced to uniqueness. So there would no longer be any difference between the Paradise and the Hell, the meaning of Worlds and Light would be lost, as well as the meaning of Creation, the Great Contemplation of the Great Creator and thus the Worlds will be able to destroy themselves! Is that right, Great Harlot of the Revelation?" "That is right, the Essence of the Worlds, of the endless beginning and the beginningless end is the Great Salvation of the Great Contemplation of God. Without Salvation, the Real Revelation would be inevitable! Salvation is the core-meaning of all meanings both for souls and for God." "God's kindness is not actually as great as I knew during my earthly life; it results also from His necessity to be His Great Contemplation! There would be no degrees of comparison without opposites and implicitly there would no longer be value and dialectics, so that the Apocalypse would become a reality!" I said to the Great Harlot of the Revelation. "Do you mean God is a conceited rascal wishing to get praise for Himself, tormenting the souls by delivering the Hierarchy to the world? Answer, Anthony Mc Coulough!" "You cannot lie about this and think of something else because any thought of yours is known. You know very well what I am thinking, Great Harlot, namely what I think is that God is holy and rascal, good and bad, merciful and merciless at the same time. That's what I think and I cannot lie about it because I would only worsen my stay in the Hell of Paradise. What is the difference between the Devil and the Good Lord? Does it reside in the fact that the Devil allows you to live the Paradise in Hell and the Good God shows you the Hell of Paradise? Does it reside in the fact that the Devil admits the mire of the misdeeds he makes creating Paradise while God doesn't? The Good Lord does only good and the Devil does only Harm? What would God look like without a Devil? Would God Himself become the Devil and the other way round? Then the Evil would be attributed to only one instance, namely to the divine one, because the Good and the Evil would be in only one Universe, under the karma of only one Hierarchy. What would the worlds be like without Good or Evil, or only with Good or only with Evil? In a world where everything is Good, as if there is no Evil, the Good would turn into Evil! Like in a world where there would only be Evil, it would turn into Good, because the Evil in itself would have no term for comparison. That's why both the devil and God are necessary, for the worlds to know what is good and what is evil and so that there can exist a balance. And finally so that they can be without existing, for worlds without time and spaces and without other dimensions or provided with dimensions!"

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"How dare you think this way?" the Great Harlot shouted. "Aren't I allowed to think? Is God a dictator? Some would say in earthly life that God gave us sufferance in order to educate, to polish us, so we could know how to send the devil away, but what would God do without the devil, His object of activity, without no one to blame for the existence full of sufferance? Why are suicidal souls tormented? Because they do not put up with the Good that God does in Mans life? Because they cannot stand being educated enough in order to live a life in Paradise, singing hosannas and prayers to God? Why must we accept divine dictatorship? "It's not like that, rascal!" the Great Harlot shouted,"what do you call a priest who should be an example of virtue and sincerity, repentance and humbleness and who thinks as you do? He is like a thief stealing in the middle of the night the money earned by a hard working man in a lifetime, isn't he? What do you call a man preaching at the Holy Shrine the parable of Lazarus, but on the other hand he is eager for honors and richness? Isn't he just as dirty as the suicidal soul who gives up his life he has received from God and which does not belong to him? How can you say that God cannot exist without the devil and the devil cannot exist without God? How can you say that the worlds would no longer exist, had God made up with the devil? Even if it is so at the level of the Basic Truth, how can you think like that as long as the Good must be your ultimate goal as a soul? I admit that everything is a lie, but nothing would exist without the lie of creation that we must accept as a religion, as a dogma, because we would not exist without it! The more we try to make up the good and the evil, the beauty and ugliness, the superior with the inferior; we will only change the meaning of worlds bringing about the apocalypse. The meaning of the worlds lies in opposites and the fight thereof." But this is not the Basic Truth, but the truth of the souls who need these opposites. You should know that there are souls whose worlds have more than two opposites, namely three, one thousand or one infinite opposites, and the world with one infinite of opposites is the sole world of the Basic Truth, the world of our Lord, where the infinite of opposites leads to their annulment, so that the good is in evil and the evil is in good, and everything that is opposite gains only one meaning: the meaning of Light! Over there, the darkness has disappeared forever because the light of good united with the light of evil, because what lacks sense does not see light, whether it belongs to good or evil. Over there, the evil is an infinite of times brighter and more sacred than the Good over here and the Good is infinite times brighter than the Good over here and that because Good and Evil are more evolved there. By evolution I understand the triumph of light, and thus God defeats the devil a-temporally and a-spatially, assimilating it by its eagerness for the supreme hierarchy of understanding!" "How can you think such a thing," said the Great Harlot, while the huge Gates of Paradise started to shutter and an unseen force threw me into the Paradise. And thus I was sentenced to Paradise. Man was given life in order to live it, as well as he is given a certain level of hell or Paradise. You can't lie in Paradise, not even to yourself. No matter how alienated you are from yourself on Earth, you must compulsorily find yourself at my judgment, because NOW I will decide how much Paradise you need in order to find yourself in hell. Find yourself since you need to receive your bit of hell in the Paradise that is meant for you. I know that, since you are a sinner, your Paradise is in hell. You are sentenced to Paradise! You will live your hell in Paradise, not knowing for how long or where, because there are no times and spaces here," she shouted more and more threateningly. A strong wind started to blow around me, and it brought on its wings foggy clouds.

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In vain did I look for the Great Harlot, she had disappeared. So I started to shout, as if my lungs would burst: "Great Harlot of the Revelation, please, come back with the hell, I want to go back to hell!" A long, frightening hissing could be heard around me. Actually, I realized it was only an impression and no such things could be found around. I remembered then that once in my childhood, I got lost on a terrible blizzard. I was crying and trudging on deserted streets where darkness was coming and I could see no one. Suddenly, an idea hit me: to ring at the door of one of the villas on the street. After a while, somebody pushed open a heavy metal door, painted in black and a grey-haired. It was an old man, about eighty of age, growing a hoof-shaped moustache. He told me as he saw me: "I have nothing to give. I have nothing to share. Go away from my door, you, beggar. There is no one, absolutely no one living here for you!" Hardly had I told him that I had actually got lost, when the heavy metal door was slammed shut. I was full of despair and knew not what to do or where to go. Night had fallen. Maybe it's the same terrible feeling I am living now, when the door of hell was slammed shut in my face. I don't know where to go. I remember I went back to that door. The snow was so thick that it covered my knees. A sweet torpor came upon me, some sort of tiredness that makes your bones and thoughts soften. I knelt near a fence, cleaning the snow off. All I remember is that I started to dream that I was with my mother, in front of the fire-place and that she was telling me stories near a Christmas tree, which was full of toys. Maybe the most beautiful toys I caould have ever wanted. The dream started to replace reality. I woke up the next morning, from a profound coma. A homeless, a stray man with a big soul, had saved me. He had carried me to the hospital in his arms, waiting for no reward. I never found out who that man was, but every time I remembered about him I thanked him in my heart. When I recovered, I wanted that dream back, although it was a dream of death. It was far too beautiful. I knew that in this reality I could never have that adorned fir tree and those beautiful toys. My mother could hardly pay for the rent, once in a few months. We used to hide from the administrator who had got tired of writing the large number of eviction warnings, sticking them on the door, which had started to look like a prehistoric animal, so that we called it the Jurassic Park Door. Only now am I really in the Paradise of my banishment. I see the Great Harlot of the Apocalypse going away slowly, disappearing from my sight, if I can say so, since I don't think I have eyes any more. I'm all alone in the Paradise! A wind starts to blow around me, bringing on its wings white foggy clouds. In vain do I try to see the Great Harlot, she has completely disappeared from Paradise. I started to shout with all my might: "Great Harlot of the Revelation, please, come back, please, come back, don't leave in this loneliness! I am begging you, give me my hell back! Please, Great Harlot, I want to go to hell!" Only the scary hissing of the wind that brought the white cloud could be heard around me. And I felt that I was getting lost. Maybe I became an opportunist beast in my childhood, because I did not have what I wanted! I wanted toys, but I never had them, I could only admire them in the hands of the rich children. The fight for existence became my enemy from very tender age, which made me an adept of the saying"the end justifies the means." I did not become a priest for being pious and with great fear of God, but because the poor did not have to pay taxes in theological schools. I know I made a terrible mistake when I banished from"power" the real priests, who really wanted a carrier and who would have

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sacrificed for God. This is me, just a rascal who, every time I sinned, I lied even to myself, telling to me so many times that I had done it for God's sake, making a sinner leave a position in the church hierarchy and not that I was a coward, lying to myself. Now I see why even the Great Harlot of the Revelation sentenced me to Paradise... What if that day in my childhood, the door had not been slammed in my face and if I had not frozen in the street and had that beautiful dream, what if I had not wished for toys and a Christmas tree that I could not have? Would I have still become the rascal I am? This praditor fighting for every inch of space gained, with great greed! Human nature is so different and complicated, related to each individual separately. There are just as many Human Natures as individuals and as Paradises and hells. Only now do I realize that I am in front of some colonnades that seem to be older than time itself, some sort of Acropolis of an existential level, towards which I am not compatible. No one comes to ask me a thing. There is absolutely no one, just marble and desert. Everything around me is made of white marble. I am looking at the sky. I don't see it, although I feel it as if it were somewhere up there, in the unknown that still I know so well, because I only feel the sensation of height and width, both from the interior that is not on Earth and from the exterior of what I want to see. The moment I wanted to take a step, some sort of temporal blade took me to the colonnades where I wanted to get, so that I did not need to take the second step. I try to reach to the colonnade that is next to me. I feel it is there, and still, spatially, the colonnade does not exist! I shout:"Can anyone hear me?" No answer, just the tomblike silence in this nonspatial and non-temporal existence. Then an idea came to me and I said to myself:"Thank you, God, for guiding me to the light of existence. Our Father who art in heaven....." No sooner had I uttered these words than all of sudden, I could hear a chorus of angel like voices, who were singing in different tones"Hosanna! Hosanna! Hosanna! Praised be God!" and the marble was vibrating some sort of heat, a state of beatitude that faded away all of a sudden, turning into its opposite, so that I came to feel the coldness and the despair that I don't think anyone could ever feel before I did, that moment. The chorus disappeared, and maybe the return to solitude or the fact that I could not be with the chorus of angels and its warmth and the beatitude state it gave me, made me feel more despondent than before. Suddenly I heard a voice that could turn you into stone, saying in a very cold but whining tone: "I cannot ponder enough so that I could live here only by God's love, piousness, purity and kindness... The angels are happy because they have arrived to a spiritual level so evolved, that they have millions of other senses and more knowledge! God, have mercy and banish me from Paradise. I am in despair because this is the billionth time I have not been able to listen to the angels' charmed songs. Please, God, banish me from Paradise! I cannot accept your light in the darkness deprived of senses and knowledge and unlike the angels, I cannot feed only on Your love, I, a sinner with doubting heart and heavy soul!" Then I started to talk to this angel or spirit, devil or soul, saying:"Show yourself, soul who speaks from the torment, because I am here and I want to see you!" "You are not either here or there," said the wining voice, because I do not know whether you are or not or this is only the echo of my thoughts. I havent talked to anyone else so far, only to my thoughts. There are no spaces and time here, you are not here or there. You are nowhere and everywhere, and for this try to raise your sightless look to the sky and see the Godlike Light, the Light of the Creator God. Can you see it, or are you as blind as I am? Or are you me, namely my opposite, what I can't see but can be seen? Are you as blind as I am, as unfortunate as the thought lost by the destiny's dice, when I was meant to be born and to die on Earth, in order to come blind to the Paradise?

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"I can only see the marble colonnades and thats all. Among the glorious angel voices I can hear wining Voices, full of sufferance, of the souls doomed to Paradise." "Where are you, Voice?" I ask with the vain hope of the one who is subject to a law, but in spite of that he fights against it. "IN front of the marble colonnades!" shouted the Voice in my soul, since I cannot say it shouted in my ears since I, the Popes great cardinal, Anthony Mc Coulough, dont have them anymore. "Me too, I am in front of some marble colonnades, but I dont know if you are close or far away from each other." "There is no far away or closeness here, no beside and no together, all you can do here is fell. You can pray God to give you the energy to fight with the Voices of some spirits who wont let you talk to anybody because in this Paradise you must be just you yourself, as alone as possible and think only of you, God and ponder! It is a Paradise of the Voices from nowhere. But this is not a Paradise of the Voices that used to fight on Earth with those who wanted to banish them from the hearing of the fools. There are invincible voices and still more understanding than anywhere else. There are Voices of the laws in Paradise which are actually Energies or whatever you want to call them, Energies that place you without actually willing to do so on the layer equivalent to your spiritual energy and, no matter how much you want to lie to yourself, you will be seated only on the step that is destined to you. You say in vain that you understand God now and you are more pure than ever, before you really are as such, you have no chance to escape from Paradise. "Still, why can't we see each other?" I asked. "You can only see God here. You must feed on God every day, which is not really accurate, since there is not day and no night here, but only non-time and non-space. Only God can bring you happiness!" "And does He do that?" I asked again. "Yes, God can bring us happiness if we feed on God at the Table of Truth about Ourselves. As long as we are not fed up admiring God, we will never be happy. We are like a junky who cannot live without drugs, since we cannot live without the trifles of life on Earth. The moment all those trifles disappear from our soul and we don't miss them any more, our hell in the middle of Paradise will disappear, leaving the complete happiness instead." "Which are those drugs of life on Earth?" I asked. "Some of us and they are not few, used to be some dirty liars, who thought they were pious, but we are only garbage, full of pride and whims and sometimes we thought we were just as powerful and all-knowing, like God is." "Is this really the Paradise?" "Yes, this is the Paradise," he said in a serious tone. "How can those angel souls be happy here? Or maybe the angels see beauties as those on Earth, such as flowers, waterfalls, superb mountains..." "Oh no, said the spirit, you think like an earthly being who thinks once more that the Earth is the center of God's creation! Here and nowhere, because the place where we are now there is no space. And still, I am telling him right now that he is not actually here, not only that there are not mountains and flowers, like on Earth, but there are no beauties like those he considers a wonder of the world. What I can say is that instead of the things you considered wonders in the earthly world you can find here infinitely more wonderful things, namely the beauty of feeling you are close to God, to His infinite sides, which are beyond compare, and the wonders on Earth are like one infinity compared to only one of God's sides!" A part of these beauties are in the souls of some angels who praise and love God,

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and there is no greater happiness for these angels than to pray and to love God. Not all angels are the same; some of them are at superior other to inferior levels. Those who are inferior see less of God's sides than the superior ones. I once asked an angel why God does not allow me to see other souls in Paradise, because my loneliness is very hard on me. Can you guess what he said?"" the soul asked me. "I don't," I answered sincerely, me, who used to be a Pope's cardinal. "The angel said that the angels do not need to see other angels and to talk to one another because these desires are killed from the beginning by the complete happiness they feel when they can meditate about one or another of God's sides." "Couldn't we feel this Paradise as such?" I asked again. "It is possible." "How?" "Meditating again and again in front of these marble colonnades, until the sufferance and the pains we go through become the happiness of KNOWING that we are close to God. This will be the first step. Pondering first of all about the sins we have made in a past that no longer exists and in spite of all that the negative spiritual Charge keeps us prisoners in Paradise! It is very good that you are in real sufferance, repenting for all your mistakes. It is also for the better that you accept your condition as a lawless caterpillar, and the sublime of God's creation, banishing all trace of opportunism, pride and especially do not lie to yourself! All these happen because God loves you and wants you to take off the beast's clothes you took on you on Earth and to remain get dressed only in the angels' clothes, which are free and happy!" "But are there angels of the dark?" "It is true, but it is just as true that these angels are just as happy when they see certain sides of God!" "What if we do not succeed in becoming such a spiritual perfection, what will happen to us?" "We will be sentenced to living in Paradise, together with the angels." "There is no escape from the Paradise?" "No, there is no escape from the Paradise," said the soul. To which kind of souls do angels' spirits belong? I asked the soul with some sort of envy that I tried in vain to banish, because the more I tried to send it to the chasms of Paradise, the more it came back to my mind, like an echo. I realized that I was trying to banish it forcedly, my soul was lying to itself, saying it expelled that envy, in Paradise, unlike on Earth, you can't even lie to yourself. "Angel's souls are also the souls of some mortals on Earth or from other worlds, with their own spiritual levels. They used to feel that, in order to do good you don't need reward, they believed in honesty, truth and they loved God more than they loved themselves." "I don't understand the story about souls from worlds with differing spiritual levels compared to the Earth. If these souls come from worlds with superior spiritual levels, it is natural that they enter the Paradise directly, because they were almost angels, but we, the poor earthly beings, cannot compete in such circumstances. How did they souls evolve so much? Were they born directly there or they have evolved by several reincarnations?" "You should not think like that. Some of them have been through the same situation we are confronting now, being sentenced to Paradise, they were not evolved enough in order to become angels and they were given other existences, at superior spiritual levels, where they were given other chances in order to draw near God by meditation. Others can go beyond such stages and get directly to the angels' hierarchy. There are souls who come from the Earth and they can become angels if they are

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enough evolved spiritually. "Does this mean we can get rid of Paradise, reincarnating in a world with spiritual levels superior to the Earth, since we cannot become angels? What if we cannot evolve more than we are now, and we cannot take off the earthly beast's coat?" "We cannot leave this place with the beast's garments on. If we still have a sleeve or a button or a collar from the beast, we can reincarnate in worlds with spiritual levels superior to those on Earth, and if we don't banish the beast at all, we will remain here." "Thank you, spirit. But what if we were atheist souls and we did not believe in God?" "There is no spirit without God. Even the atheist has his God, or because God is also hierarchy, and each soul has a hierarchy of his own, regardless of its form or name. We need hierarchies because this is the chance and there is no feeling that does not need a chance! You can only evolve by hierarchy. Each one is judged according to his own rules, regardless of his belief or non-belief from his earthly life, or the existence in other worlds with different spiritual levels. God does not obligate you to become a believer, namely to become the adept of a dogma belonging to some so-called religion claiming it is the only one preaching the truth about God. God is light, love and true, kindness, understanding, justice and first of all good! Any being embracing these laws is a being next to God and is more religious than any dogma. The dogma was born when all the epithets describing God became politics, for a cult or another who consider themselves the only holder of the Basic Truth about God. By turning into politics in the eyes of believers, religion became a dogma. It is just like floatability is. A body with a certain weight will have a floatability index different from one whose weight is different. It is a karma of your soul that during your life time you load up with good and bad. God's religion is to charge this karma with more good than bad." "Why did you get here?" "I killed myself!" "Why?" "Because in my blindness by that time, I found no meaning for my life, which I considered absurd." "Do you have regrets now?" I asked again. "How could I not have regrets, there is No Way Back!" "Why do you regret it? Because you came to this place?" "For that reason as well, but maybe more than ever I am afraid that one day I will see God, or one of His wonderful sides and afterwards this right will be taken away from me. This causes my greatest pain! I am afraid to see God and at the same time I am most afraid of it! Afterwards, there comes the fact that I miss my dear ones whom I will never see again. But why are you here?" "I used to be a priest," I said. "A priest?" he said with a sigh. "Yes, actually a rascal full of opportunism and pride, lie and soul prostitution." "It's so easy to admit in Paradise the misdeeds we did in our earthly life, which we would have not admitted on Earth but we would have preferred to lie to ourselves than be ourselves in our human misery, that we cannot hide anymore in this place." "What was your name on Earth?" I asked the soul again. "Sorin. What was yours?" " Anthony Mc Coulough, Pope's cardinal." "A cardinal who became in Paradise as blind as I, a poor suicidal soul, am." "Exactly, Sorin. Why did you commit suicide?" "Life seemed absurd and monstrous. For years I had tried to save my wife from insanity but I got tired and I found another wife for me. When I found this latter, the

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former recovered. Isn't this absurd, Tom? It is monstrous, but only now you can understand how much we need the absurd and the monstrous after death, because both of them can help you to see God. What we could not understand then we can understand here, I know everything since time immemorial. What torments us is for angels is a joy, what is boredom for us is happiness for angels, because they can see God, they feel Him close to them, while we don't! Even here I ask myself questions, like I used to do on Earth:"Why did God give us birth? Just in order to torment us? Why did God create the Hierarchy? To give us a chance to evolve? To make us angels? What would we have done without this chance?"" Why? Because we did not struggle enough to see God while we were on Earth? Although I know the answers, I am endlessly asking the same questions! Why are we sentenced to Paradise?"

Chapter 2
Most of all I wanted to see Christine again, to feel her warm breath just like a spring breathe which has overcome the solitary winter of my soul. The good God helped me indeed see that whom I ran away from choosing Antarctica and death among the ices. At that time I believed in death and now I believe in life! I cannot tell you exactly what I felt seeing Irene again instead of Christine. It was for the first time when I could see something with my senses after the long darkness of here, in Paradise. I dont think that I could describe in words my feelings which I had. Even though I knew that I live in Paradise, I felt the strongest horror when I had to come back again here. It was given me to be beside Irene only when she was reading or receiving correspondence from Christine. I would watch her hand which sometimes I felt as warm. I cannot describe to you the pain which I am feeling even now and I will carry it with me eternally, when I would read every syllable which she wrote on the white paper as impersonal as this Paradise which was given me. If you want Tom I can read to you the correspondence of Christine with Irene." "Of course I want this thing since you made me curious especially here in Paradise where I felt more lonely and troubled than ever, Sorin." Always, of dozens, hundreds and thousands of times I continuously repeat this

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dear correspondence which makes my Paradise easier. It is enough to think of it and immediately I find myself in that Universe watching Irene for the hundredth time. What is wonderful in all these things is the fact that, by difference from the terrestrial life where I could only read a letter now and here, at that time when I was allowed to go in the fraction of life of Irene I could read not only her correspondence with Christine, but also listen even to the deepest thoughts of her soul. Even now I cannot understand as maybe I will never understand why it was given me to notice that fragment of Irenes life and not another one? Why wasnt it given to me to see Christine again? This correspondence is all that I have left and for which I am trying to hope that this Paradise will once disappear from my existence in order to receive instead of it the Hell which I want with all my spirit. Listen Anthony Mc Coullough: Since that day for years have passed. In total seven years since Sorin died. The wish to try and"live" my life proved to be one of the biggest mistakes of mine. In the end I reached Manhattan searching for a parking next to Broadway. I knew that usually the parkings are overcrowded at this hour in Manhattan, but I didnt think that I will have to wait more than an hour, time in which I roamed all sorts of roads and streets so that in the end I found a miserable spot where I dreamt to leave the jeep as old as Sorins death. In the beginning I lost myself in the crowd without knowing what I really wanted and what was more important: without really wanting to change my life. It was for the first time when I tried to lie to myself, to confront myself as I would a fierce enemy. There is a saying that a man is all the more string, more real, more fulfilled as he has more and more fierce enemies. I was very late, I didnt have time to fabricate those enemies and thus an idea came to me which at that time didnt seem to me as being only a very good one, but a genious one indeed namely: to consider myself as my biggest enemy. Maybe to a certain extent I achieved in doing so because only in this way I could explain why I entered that comedy theater where among laughs and applauses they were chewing pop corn and often various remarks were being shouted or chanted, more or less obscene, more or less of good taste. This is how I met Jim, the person who was to demolish in me whatever was left after the great war with my destiny. Jim lied to me from the very beginning. He pretended to be a lwayer in a big company. I could not understand how I could be so nave, how I could believe him. Maybe because that day I wanted to change, I was waiting for anything, even to be lied to, fact which determined me not to ask so many questions regarding his behavior, his gestures which he was carrying on and the quality which he displayed by showing off even from the beginning. Thus I was with Jim more than one month in my eyes: lawyer in a big company, found in New York for work purposes, lodged with a friend who had visited him several times in New Orleans. When I found out the truth I was a bit confused, maybe I didnt want to lose him, maybe I had started to a certain extent to love him, who knows. For me Jim had become a change which at that time I needed so much that even when I found out that in fact he was nothing but a poor devil who was working temporarily once in a while, without much education and who was staying with friends, as he liked to boast, but that these friends were nothing else but some persons who simply pitted such a miserable fellow. By offering him lodging once in a while, instead of the streets. Even though the new portrait of Jim was no longer so attractive as the old one, I didnt trouble myself with this.

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I had decided to accept him as such, all the more, I was the one feeling complexed, since I was twelve years older than him, fact which he didnt hesitate to remind me when his own interest requierd it. After another two, three months, he started missing from home saying he was invited to all sorts of friends in order to talk about new business which of course was to increase our fortune several times. The friends were only girlfriends who indeed talked with him not business but sex, taking away his money, so that this started being noticed easily in our mutual bank account. During that period, too, the first slaps started which increased in number as time passed by, becoming a real rain of blows and insults. Only at that time I realized how much I had been wrong by trying to remake my life anyhow, as if my own life were a rotten and dirty shirt which was waiting its time to be washed in the washing machine in order to be sold as second hand in a sordid neighborhood. I started to understand that I didnt become enough me, means Irene, to be able to afford such a change. Then other troubles with the divorce and only one year back I was able to get rid of this fraud who was paying his lawyers with my money in order to ask me for as much money of our mutual fund as possible, which was no other money but the one left by Sorin. I always thought that the detergent which washes human dirt was invented but now, after Jim existed in my life, I doubt it. The idea about remaking my life is a great an illusion as life itself. You will never be able to confront your own destiny. I know I am a pessimistic person, I know that an optimistic person would not hesitate to say anything is possible in life just you have to want it, to wish and fight until you will also succeed. Lets be serious, how many are fierce fighters even from the time of their birth with their own lives and despite all this, they will never succeed? How many are not fighters, they allow themselves to be carried away by the waves of life just like a rudder-less ship, carried away by the waves over night exactly on the shores of paradise? Then? Isnt everything destiny? Just like the wave doesnt know the moment when it will break against the rocks of hard granite of life, neither does really man know his won life, especially his destiny? Many people, when they reach the old age, they maintain in a very decisive way that they lived for so many years, that they carry on their hunch-backed shoulders the entire history, history which made them wiser, more vigilant, but also more disbelieving. Thus knowing why the sins of their own young age are sins. Just as Sorin I came to believe that this history which the old people are carrying inside them is nothing else but a great illusion given by the destiny. Why? First of all because we dont know the truth about ourselves, just as we dont know even the truth about the fact the we exist, what are the feelings which we pretend that are part of our personal history without knowing if they exist indeed as feelings or they are a big lie which enveloped our nature so that we do not catch a cold in the long winter of life. I wonder when we are happy are we really happy? When we are crying, are we really crying? When we are kissing are we really kissing? And all these while we can wonder if exist when we exist? And if we existed indeed the next question would come an infinite times: why? As long as we can answer the essential questions of our own existence, all the less we will be able to do this when we talk about love, pain, kiss and the list could continue endlessly. From birth we start to learn the rules of lie, the fact that every action of ours is owed to a certain purpose, I know that without this purpose we could not live, because the entire world which we maintain that it surrounds us and in respect to which our

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actions are taken is owed to a purpose. The first cry of a new born baby has a purpose, just as death has its purpose, that of sending us in the nihility, but we know very well that every purpose has in its turn a purpose, a cause of its own, which leads us unwillingly to the foundation, that is of the purpose for which nature created us and when we reach the dust of existence and we wonder as simply as possible what is the purpose for which we exist, leaving poetries aside, the kind like"man copy of God" created for only God knows what, we come to understand that in fact we dont have a clue what is the purpose of our own existence, but especially the purpose of other and other purposes which we, the heroes of this sinister tragedy which is our breath believe that we are"aware" of, that we knew them. Thus every action of ours acquires a meaning and every meaning is nothing else but the purpose in itself which we in our stupidity believe that we know without realizing it the fact that every purpose is built on its predecessor so that in the end is crashes with a mere basic question, namely: What is the purpose of our existence? What was the purpose for which we were born? Why at the time of death we have a certain history of life and not another one? Why does occurrence exist? What is Destiny? Isnt is exactly the destiny the cause of the primordial purpose of our own existence? Certainly Yes! But just as we dont know this purpose, we cannot know our destiny either, even though not only once in life inside our being we are more sure than ever that we cannot form a destiny of ours! Nothing more false. And if we came to really understand that we are so hopeless before our own destiny that a leaf taken by the waves of a river has more chances than us to know what fate would it be? Certainly we wouldnt live anymore, we would self-destruct ourselves and we find ourselves in this world in order to live our life even though lives us, so that we lived the illusion. The difference between fate and destiny is that fate is that destiny which we pretend to know, but the true destiny is the base of the purpose of our existence which we will never know, both at individual level as well as social. Then why do I suffer, why do I struggle, why do I try to remake my life a little bit? Now I really understand Sorin. I always had a bit of doubt regarding his tastes, his manner of behavior which once seemed to me bizarre. Often I thought of committing suicide, to follow my way which even Sorin followed once. I never succeeded, I am too coward, maybe too stigmatized of life, to such an extent that life by itself holds me in its angry and full arms, with the tattoos of its own history in a continuous fear of myself and implicitly of death. Today I received a letter from Christine, Sorins ex wife. After his death we became friends, maybe because each one of us searched in the other one a bit of Sorin. I dont know if I discovered it or not, neither do I know if we really were satisfied or not to find each other again or better said to try to find ourselves in each other. Anyway it is not important, all that I can say is that we both miss Sorin and maybe this longing united us to a certain extent giving us the wings of friendship. Three years after the death of Sorin, Christine became suddenly very religious, she would attend the church every Sunday so that finally she became a nun. Now she is Mother Sara, her name as nun. I read the letters of Mother Sara not only once, maybe because from Sorin I no longer have any letter. In fact I dont remember he ever writing to me from far away, because we were always together. All I know is that she he would write to me on every important holiday such as the Christmas, Easter, my birthday, a few line such as:"For the most beautiful wife in the world" or"I will always love you, enormously, infinitely! !!" or"Yours forever", I can remember only these things. Not once have I wondered in what corner of the being were all these residing during that accursed illness when I was not myself, when a dream or diabolic fantasy of

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the Voice would become truth and the reality was killed or denied, attributing to it values of obscene fantasy or unreal dream? I wonder where were they lost, even those words which Sorin wrote to me? I dont know. I keep searching for them and I find them again only with the eyes of my mind. Sometimes I would like to see them physically and physically written before me, to be able to touch them, kiss them, look at them, but everything is limited to my will and thats it. They were lost somewhere in the darkness of time, remaining a memory, just as Sorin, just as the entire solar system, galaxy, Universe, everything will one day become a memory and thats it, e memory of God who created us in order to destroy us, a memory of the hopes shattered by the cosmic wind in the four corners of the horizon which dont exist and never will really exist but for ourselves, the mortals, people who are trying even from the dawn of mankind to define the concept of civilization depending on the four cardinal points which as I said before will not exist and never existed, just as the concept of civilization in itself doesnt exist and never will exist. Everything is just dream and illusion. Nothing more. If the Universe will become one day a memory, I wonder if it exists in the present? Can anything exist without time and without space? Time is nothing else but a dream of the Great Creator and thats it. Same with the space. They lose any value in death but they are find again in the illusion of life. The Great Creator dreamed about us only in his feeling, in his being next to the time and space, only in the being of life and not in the being of death. Because the being of life will always float with its eternal wings over all the geometries where the space is being of form and the time of being of movement where these two beings give birth to the Unique in form and transformation which is nothing else but crumb of life, of existence getting born regardless of parents, of the being of geometry, form and the being of movement, of time. We are born in time and space, of mother and father, towards uniqueness. Regardless of how many human clones will there be one day, all these will only be the expression of uniqueness, the reflection of the unique, because all will become tributary to the model according to which they were created. Even a crumb of sand is a life which takes birth and does just as a star does, even though it is not an organic life such as ours, but an anorganic one. Both forms of life, both the organic and the anorganic are born from the two beings, that of the geometry and the other one of the movement. It is very wrongly said that the being exists only as a palliative of life. It can very well exist as a palliative of death. Certainly the beings of death will not be synonymous and maybe not even similar to the beings of life. The only link which unites them is the illusion, as omnipresent in life as in death. As Sorin used to say:"Everything, but everything, dear Irene, is an illusion". I am sure of this. Death remains united with the life of a soul through the illusion which characterizes both of them, illusion which is nothing else but a crumb as small as a dust in comparison with the Universe, from the dream of the Great Creator. The beings of life and death are nothing else but the base pillars on which the Illusion is supported. Many will wonder how can there be a being without geometry or without time or even more than this: how can there a being of geometry exists without a being of space, of time? Maybe there is movement without space? What about space without time? This may be the base where we eventually reach by contemplating the beings. First of all I perceive the being not as a sine qua non attribute of the material existence, but as being a pillar on which our Illusion of existence is being built, in brief: the dream of our own life when we are awake as well as when we are asleep, which can easily become a nightmare or its opposite meaning something out of which you would

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never like to wake up. Once we defined the concept of being we will contemplate the genesis of this concept. What exactly created the being of geometry and that of movement? Was one or the other primordial to the other one? We again come to the question whether geometry exists without time. In the dream which we live, any geometry is tributary to a dialectics, movement, transformation as well as specialization. For us, the metaphysics of the space and time becomes irrational at the level of the senses and of that of the dream of our being, which we live, carrying it on our hunched back caused by the sufferings and joy of our own existence, an entire life for fulfilling a Destiny. A Destiny of whom? Of ours? Not at all! The appearances deceive. Everything we believe that exists, that fate was good or bad with us, in fact it does not happen to us as persons and neither does it happen to our soul, but to the entire Universe of beings of times and geometries. Everything we think that it cannot exist, just as space without time, EXISTS. The same with the time without space, the same as the beings in death exist without these two, meaning geometry and movement. It is impossible for us to imagine a world without forms and movement, just as to other existences it is very difficult to imagine a world of forms and movement. The attributes of the beings which are characterizing life in our world, in another world they are totally different, that is why, we cannot fully understand other illusions of the existences, only those for which we were programmed, namely space and time. Everything that can be asserted in this context is that the worlds not only overlap one another, but they coexist, quasi-unitary in the appearance of diversity and cognoscible operability of the nature of the senses."In a word, the worlds are crashing" all the time ones into the others, the beings are cave ones into the others, both through the attributes of our beings, through the attributes of their beings of these illusions and through the attributes of the beings of these illusions. The space and the time which exist only in our world in this Universe as Illusion, are caving in and always one into the other over other attributes of other worlds, because everything is an illusion and it will fray out without the being of the geometries or movements or beings of other worlds just as the memory of a snow flake fallen on the black sidewalk of the non-words which will never be able to be uttered again frays out. In brief, we can assert that there is no dialectics of the metaphysics and the other way around only at the level of the Illusion. Then not only once I thought since I felt like screaming with all my being: why are you only an Illusionist, God? ! Why? Why? Why never in this miserable life which was given to us will we find the real truth of the truth? Why? Then I walked out into the courtyard. It was late at night. Patches of black clouds covered the arch of darkness. Among them you could see here and there a star whose shining seemed to me as if saying that our life and hopes will not be able to fly only up to the level of those black clouds and higher, higher, higher, until the star whose shining seemed to pierce the arch of my heart. Then I understood that we need the simple thought, this illusion to exist higher, higher, that I tried to thank the Great Creator for the crumb of dream which he gave us. In a short while after this, the cloud covered the rays of the star which had crossed the thousands of millennia and reach my heart, in a future so far away that we mortals of illusions hardly can imagine with our mind that ray arrived from the past which defies even the good sense of the times. All these, only and only because there was and there is a Destiny that I at that time, only when I use the word I remember one of the pillars of our illusory being, so that at that time I receive a bit of the ray of the star, from a farther away history than ourselves

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and the time in us. Then I said to myself in despair: what is the truth of truths, God? ! The black clouds and the night and the darkness and the sound of an owl which scared me because it foretells of death, answered me. Then why am I afraid, God? ! Why? Why? I want the true truth, I would like to know it and see how the worlds are caving in ones upon the others, how the space and time are caving in our world, how in reality there is no space, no time, maybe no beauty and no ugliness, maybe no good and no evil, maybe no life and no death, no pain and no joy, no love and no hatred, but neither jealousy. There there are others. And that night I was caught with a terrible fear, a cold chill crossed my entire body that I remained like electrified. Gazing at the sky I exclaimed: Dont ever tell me the truth, God, dont ever tell it to me, I beg of you, God, I dont want to know it. Then I fell on my knees and started to thank God for the life which he gave us, for the good and the evil which we feel, for the beauty and ugliness, love and jealousy, birth or death, pain, suffering, colors and world which surrounds us, for Life. Since then I didnt want to find out the Truth ever. I am aware that we would never understand the real truth, but neither could we accept it or bear it. It would kill us. We are not strong enough spiritually to be able to understand it and accept it. Even to the extent in which we would find out a part of it, this small part would overwhelm our senses of life to such an extent that it would destroy us, that is why it is better to accept the illusion of life as being something real, even though we are aware that the real is this illusion is a big lie. Life itself needs the lie, the impurity as well as it needs the truth and the purity, but in no way the Basic Truth and not even a crumb of it. Then what is the truth that life needs? What is it in fact? A lie! And the lie? A truth! And both of them? Life! And now I know that I live, I need to live, I really understand, therefore I live! And thats it! I dont need anything more than rarely to commit suicide! !! Not only once do I think that in the space occupied by my own body here are so many worlds with the destiny of each one of them, with beings who are happy and suffer, who are alive! I almost feel like a kind of God until the moment when I think that the being of space is an illusion as great as the fact that I considered myself God just a moment ago. There is no great and no small as spatial measurement. I dont occupy the space which I have the impression that my body is holding, or my hand, or my feet, for the simple reason that this doesnt even exist and then I cannot not think about who am I in reality? If even my years dont exist, I am ageless. If even the star which was sending me its rays onto my heart is not far from me, but exactly in me and I in it and everything in us and we in all, I am almost about to say: I am not alone, everything that is happening to me in fact is happening to the entire world, to all the worlds which are in me and I in them, is happening to Sorin Cerin who is in me with the crumb of his soul and I in his soul, it is happening to us. Then I calm down and I start to fall asleep thinking that we remained together for an eternity of eternities, because the worlds themselves without times and spaces are in each one of us, uniting us. Only at this time I told myself for myself, for us, for all the worlds in this crumb of cosmic dust which know that they exist in their way, with all the evils and goods of their conscienceness: Evrika! Then I dont know either why or how, the warm tears of the hope to live flooded my chicks, just as the floods of the Nile in the old days come back to their riverbed, leaving behind the fertile lands of the Egyptian civilization. From this soil one of the oldest civilizations of the world was born, because first there was the Nile, then the seed

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which budded the hand of the civilization which was to come next. Just as in my case, in the beginning there is the tear, then the chicks, wet, then the blurred eyes which will bud in my soul the peace. Despite all this, only one thing obsesses me and that is: if the river gave birth to the sea and the old Egyptian civilization by its fertile soils which it left after the withdrawal in its riverbed after the floods each spring and if, after I had exclaimed Evrika! I started crying, flooding my chicks, then for the Nile, who exclaimed Evrika! That genesis of the geneses? Nobody? ! In any case neither I or Sorin or Christine, because the Nile is older than any civilization which we know and it gave birth to a civilization with Evrika! A civilization without genesis and therefore a civilization without civilization? But the Divine Illusion lets us understand that there was a great civilization there indeed. Maybe the great pyramids are not by chance, maybe exactly this is the geometry of the word and feeling: Evrika! A pyramid, and the Egyptians wanted to transmit us over millennia that they knew even since the beginning of their own history that the geometrical expression of this word which was left to them even since before their history, and in no way by Nobody, but by somebody, who more than anybody else and more prophet than any prophet who exclaimed Evrika and for the Nile so that it cool the feet of the pyramids which were to become being throughout millennia, in a word the feet of the word of beginning of civilizations Evrika! Only now I understand why the worlds and times and spaces and beings with all their attributes are caving in one onto the others, they melt together in a unitary all which is nothing else but a thought of the Great Creator in whose dream certainly resides the geometric being of the pyramid in our world with times and geometries, in a word: Evrika! Every one of us we have in our subconscious the geometry of the pyramid because we have a common genesis. For the mankind the word Evrika is represented by a pyramid. This happens in our world. The origin of our origins is found in this geometrical symbol which we found throughout the civilizations in all peoples, regardless if it is a pyramid trunk, a pyramid contained in a edifice or a sculpture or portion of sculpture. The pyramid does not absorb us only in our intimate parts of the personal life, but especially in the plans of our social life. We can conceive a social system which would not be pyramidal both in dictatorship and democracy? No! Always at the base of the social system there will be the many and on top the less! Could we imagine a non-pyramidal society? Theoretically, yes, but practically, not! It would be a society in which all would be equal in intelligence, suffering, obligations, advantages, beauty, honor, truth and the list could continue. Only then we could talk about a non-pyramidal society. The communism as wanted to be was a utopia and in what was achieved: a lie. People will never be equal in the attributes which we have just mentioned. The society is a pyramid, it is a: Evrika! A pyramid heading with the strength of an arrow towards the top, ejecting it always higher, without any limit so that we know why we are complaining, to know why just as the Nile we have to fertilize with our tears the Future in order to find our peace, without caring that the times may not even exist! I wonder what is the representation of the word Evrika in another world? Where there is no world, not time and therefore nor pyramid? Nobody can know. What we can assert in the illusion which we live and name life is that Evrika in another world may mean even defeat, dismay and unrest. How can it be tributary to any expression, being or non-being. Without space we can no longer talk about a geometry, of a pyramid.

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Without time we can admit the climbing towards the pick which not having a geometry does not exist! Despite all this, let us think that all these worlds are found in us and we in our turn in them having as symbol of this world: the pyramid! Maybe that is why I like to watch the rays of the moon which are reflecting on my crystal pyramid which I had placed on the panel of the window. In the nights when the sky is clear and the moon is full penetrating it just as a prism which in the end opens in a multitude of multicolored bundle. Then I feel that I can communicate with Sorin, with his world which is also found in me even though the rays coming from there I can see them outside me. I dont know why, but I feel every ray sent in the ether by a thought or a feeling coming from another world, coming from Sorin. Even though the light of the rays is from our world, even though every ray is part of my world, a force which crosses the worlds comes back until here in order to direct them towards the pyramid on the panel of my window. Then I talk to Sorin. I ask him if he is fine where he is, if what he believed here about the existence is proving true in that world, whether you are happy that you committed suicide or what is this world. I remember even now one of the talks which I had with him one night with full moon when the bundles of rays were shifting playfully on the wall of my sleeping room in an explosion of colors. My talk with Sorin was:"If you really are Sorin, please try to stop the dancing of the rays on the woll in front of me", I said somehow disbelieving that the rays of the full moon would stop. I waited with my eyes gazing on the wall. Suddenly the dancing of the rays stopped. Then I understood that Sorin was in the room, that in me there was the real Sorin Cerin, the one who for years and years tried to do everything to save me from the clutches of the ruthless Voice, from the clutches of schizophrenia:"OK, Sorin, I finally exclaimed. I dont know why, but the first thing which comes to my mind now in these moments is to ask you if you still love me. If yes, leave the rays flood one more wall with their divine dance which crosses the worlds." Suddenly my entire room, not only the other wall was the witness of a paradise, of a wonderful show which only the princess Moon could reveal to a soul when she opens her hair which has hairs which contain each a color or a ray and lets it fall in waterfall over the wishes of the soul which accepts it as part of its nature, uniting the worlds with love and goodness, which only the love that it created could give. Seeing that dance of a feeling from another world coming on the wings of the full moon rays I started crying. I knew that Sorin is by my side and that he loves me. It was all the more amazing that message as I knew that no spaces, no times separate us, but worlds. I felt like trembling with all my body, that suddenly I forgot all my troubles and dark thoughts, that my soul was taking a real bath of happiness in those moments. "Do you regret committing suicide, Sorin?" I asked, so that afterwards I tell him that:"if yes, then stop the rays of the full moon and if not then let them with their dance which seemed to go beyond the spaces and times, so that in fact they moved in a metaphysics of the eternal frost, of Antarctica, a frozen movement, just as non-temporal as without space." And the rays continued their game as if they were dancing on an ode of happiness older than time. Then I understood that Sorin Cerin did not regret that he committed suicide. I dont know why at that time it crossed my mind to ask him if he loved me, why did he kill himself? Why didnt he come back to me, to remain with me? For Christine? Maybe. Sorin

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was a man who could not accept any compromise, for him I, Irene, was a compromise just as Christine. Both of us had become a compromise once I recovered. Years and years I made efforts to save myself from the clutches of the Voice and when I achieved it was too late. My recovery in itself was a compromise. This Destiny could not accept, the fact that life in itself is a compromise. The Voice knew very well that Destiny will never win in the chess game of my own life. The Voice had a mindset which seemed older than time, which more than any fortune teller could predict the future. That is why it was always laughing in my soul with that sinister sound of evil spirit lost in the eco of a cave. I wonder what piece Destiny would have gad to move in order for the entire evil edifice of the Voice to collapse as a castle of cards over which a hurricane passed? Also through rays Sorin once explained to me. He let me understand that the move he should have made was to accept his defeat through victory. On that last moment of the game, before the Great Judge, Sorin, even though he considered himself a winner should have felt defeated. Even though he achieved in hypnotizing the dean Parkins, he triumphed. Then he lost. Life being by itself a compromise, you will never be defeated, but you will neither be winning, but always somewhere in between these two hypostases. Maybe from this standpoint the law of life sounds like this:"Overcome by letting yourself be defeated or let yourself be defeated in order to overcome." It is a mystery as great as the omen of the coming of Parkins secretary in order to exclaim the digit 3, that digit which transmitted itself through the hypnosis state of Parkins to the Great Judge where they were trying exactly the finals of the chess game between the Voice and Sorin Cerin regarding me, namely, if my future would belong to the Voice, meaning to the disease or if it will belong to Sorin, therefore to my recovery. In the end Sorin won without actually winning. I recovered after three years. Exactly after that"three" exclaimed by Parkins secretary! maybe the Voice knew what it knew regarding this transcendentalism of its own lucidity regarding the prediction of my life. The mystery of the lucidity of the Voice is as great asserting once that Destiny would never overcome, even though he would overcome as is the mystery of the recovery of Parkins, in fact that of the philosopher from a future which was separated by three hard years from the past when in fact the real recovery of the philosopher took place. If the pyramid belongs to the being of the geometry, of the space in our world, the mystery belongs to the being of the time in our world. Therefore, the basic coordinates of our world are the two beings of the geometry and time which are reduced to the pyramid and mystery. The Pyramid and Mystery are the pillars of our existence. Our existence is so illusory as it is, is first of all tributary to the being of space, but not to the multidimensional space, rectilinear and uniform, but to a multidivisional space of the forms, therefore of the geometry, geometry at the base of which is: the Pyramid. That is why we can assert that the existence of the being of the space for our world becomes the existence of the being of the spatial forms, therefore of the geometry, because, as we have mentioned a few times before, to the human soul no abstract spatial representations are due, only plan an linear, but a representation of the forms. The space which surrounds us in this world is a space of forms, therefore of the geometry. Next to the being of the geometry which belongs volens-nolens to the multidimensional space and the being of the temporality, which brings together the three times which are also tributary to our illusory existence and namely: past, present and future, which explains the Mystery. Why? Because during our entire life we know with certainty only the past, the present becoming more a frontier time between the past and the future, in reality inexistent. No matter how great visionaries and prophets would be

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there in the world, the future even though it belongs to the past, stays always a mystery as long as it is a big unknown, submitted always to the unpredictable, being always the motor which maintains the vigor of life, its meaning which determines to a greater or smaller extent next to the being of the geometry: the Destiny! Why? Let us imagine what would happen if every person would know their future as well as their past? What would happen if we knew the moment when we will be in agony before going to another world? If we knew what torment we would go through, if we were not unaware of the hour when a great distress would come upon us or even a great joy? Then what would happen with us? Certainly we would self destruct ourselves, because what keeps us alive and determines the evolution or involution of our own society is the unpredictable, meaning the Mystery. Any past was once a future just as any future will become a past, this being the basic law of the Mystery. Now one of the most disturbing questions is this: - At the time of the"caving in" of the space in time and of the time in space, meaning of the geometry, of the forms of mystery and of the mystery in forms, in geometries, what will there remain? The Mystery or Pyramid, considered the base of the forms in our world? The form and the mystery are tow basic representations of our world, of the illusion which we live and not one we name it self-conscience. Meaning, by conscience understanding the totality of the affective, cognitive and volitional characteristic to a person for a certain stage of their development and the social conscience being all this cognitive, affective and volitional sum, just that these characteristic of the society on a certain stage of its development. Therefore, the Mystery and the Pyramid, considered as basic unit of the form and a type of form of forms in our world is found both in everyone as well at social level on the ramparts of the feelings, love, affection, hatred, fear and all sorts of feelings in a word the affective or on the ramparts of the study, knowledge, acquisition, science, culture or in the other part of the city, but also on the ramparts and namely on those of the will, that unshakable will which enlarged the scope of our illusory universe from a primitive hammer and an ordinary animal fir to the nowadays supersonic planes, cosmic chips and computers. Nothing of these would not have been had not the Mystery and the Pyramid would not have been, meaning the archetypal expression of the form, both temporal and geometrical. At the level of the conscience we cannot extrapolate any part of this dualism of the time and space and namely to accept only the existence of the Mystery annihilating that of the Pyramid, meaning of archetypal geometrical form. Why? Because there is no possibility that the Illusion of our conscience materialize without a substrate of the form, space and of course of its development, meaning of the space. But after that, meaning somewhere above conscience? Above mathematics and physics which are proving so sublimely these"caving ins" thorugh various mathematicalphysical models which can prove in as simple a manner that on my writing table at this time a trains passes by in another world or through me a cosmic ship takes off? I wonder what happens at the time when the space melts with the time? When the Pyramid becomes Mystery and the Mystery becomes Pyramid? First of all let us define why the Pyramid is an archetypal form of our world. Any pyramidal system in our conscience is represented through an evolution, from its base to the top. It is true, some will say, but the evolution can be represented as well by something else, why necessarily by the Pyramid? The Pyramid is a three-dimensional representation of the evolution and it is very well known that our world is tributary to the threedimensionality. The Pyramid represents both the natural selection of the form as well as of the content. Any selection in our world take place in a pyramidal level. Nobody can deny the existence of the selection of the individuals both in the animal organic world as well as in that of the plants and why not in our human society. The same in the

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anorganic world it is enough to look at Mendeleevs table. No matter how much we would like to be equal with one another, let us admit that the selection makes its mark in the world of the people as well. There is a great difference between the content of the form as material illusion and the content of the form as illusion of the social or individual conscience. If the first content doesnt create the illusion of matter of substrate, of scene on which the actors of life are playing, the second content is no longer a scene and not even a theater where the gong is beating announcing a birth or a death, but it is firstly characterized by senses, talent, power of knowledge, creation, love, hatred, jealousy, doing good, doing bad, as well as many others, in a word that which characterizes each one of us individually as well as within the entire society at social level. Of what can be seen, the content of the form as illusion of matter is totally different in respect to the illusion of the conscience which results in the fact that the form becomes feeling, becomes love, knowledge, will, in a word it becomes again spirit with representations of the most complex in the material illusion, the Mystery leaves room for the Pyramid as legitimate representative of the hierarchy, in a word the time"caves in" in space transforming itself in another world. The Future and the Past rebecome a Present of the"eternity", coming to the worlds caving in" themselves with their Mysteries and all, with their times and non-times, with spaces of dimensions unusually numerous, leaving the eternal and fascinating form, beyond the worlds where the Mystery set a long time back and the Past not even knowing from which obscurities older than the world, newer than the Future became Present and the Form: Spirit. Thus, a crumb of the thought of the Great Creator gave birth to the Spirit and a crumb of this gave us the illusion of the embodiment so that we feel the happiness which is given by the smell of the soil every spring, when its body, the fresh soil which reminds of the history of billions of bodies of the plants, animals and people which added to it, we cultivate the seed of the bread on the tables of our life, the bread grown from the body of the lovers and whispers of love which today is a seed of wheat, a crumb remained somewhere on the table and thrown off afterwards in the garbage. This crumb meant once a Destiny, the same as the Destiny of the being of the geometry and mystery in our world, just as our Destiny, that of each one of us, that of transforming ourselves in a crumb of bread on the table of the hungry not yet born and not yet dead for long, until the mystery and the geometry in a word: the unpredictable of the pyramid, of the material and spiritual illusion in our world will have been transformed themselves in a thought about a tear of God. Only then we will know that it didnt have measure and that the absolute was all over and in all but never in Us, frail illusion, born to desire the light of day and the stars of the night which were hiding behind times and love and hatred and curse, but also love. And then from this world we will remember the unique scale in a world without measure in which we existed at a time, there wasnt the fortune, nor the grandeur, nor the power nor the science and we will know that all in their mystery are passing and as useless and meaningless. Only then we will discover the scale which we were looking for groping like the blind through the darkness, scale without measure in a world without measure named: Love! Then we will know that no precious metal in the world has no use and no power or any dignity has no use. Then we will understand that only the one who planted seeds in his field with love will crop fruits beyond his own being and understanding. More than this, he will understand that these fruits all the richer and more beautiful as he will spread love in the hearts of other people, as well, taking it to a degree of religion. The purpose of this world is in love. The Destiny of this world is in the Spirit of the

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Form. Thus the harmony of life consists of Loving the Spirit of the Form, in a word the nature which surrounds you, both the anorganic and the organic. Never feel superior to a frog, insect or plant and all the more to other people, other siblings of yours, because everything that surrounds you is an illusion which in no way will let you discover the absolute, no matter how much you would desire it and no matter how much you would believe that you discovered it. Because when you discovered the Basic Truth you wouldnt be you in this world and until you know it you will never know what is in fact that which surrounds you. Therefore to love the Spirit of the Form means to integrate all the more in the nature which surrounds you and whose laws it is good to respect through love and peace, through not running after fortunes and neither after power or dignities regardless how beneficial these would be for the moment. To love the Spirit of the Form means to respect the sign of your world which is its Pyramid and its motor is the Mystery. To love the Spirit of the Form means to understand that the world which surrounds you is only a representation of your own senses, that in fact you are in an infinity of other worlds, with their times and non-times, with or without their mysteries, with or without their forms where the Past is not even known from what obscurities older then the Ages, newer than the Future become Present and the Form: The Spirit gave us life! To respect the sign of the Pyramid doesnt means to wear the pyramid around the neck or to give it the same characteristic as the amulet. No! To respect the sign of the Pyramid means first of all to accept your human condition on the social scale, to tend towards the pick of the Pyramid by an honest game of the values and not through procedures more or less orthodox. To get integrated within the nature means to try to adjust your conscience all the better throughout your entire life, your own human condition without denying it because your place under the Sun is a Destiny. Maybe that is why I cannot commit suicide, maybe I am not a coward, maybe the so called cowardice is nothing else but a strength which comes from somewhere from the depths of my being, a strength which tells me that"My destiny is not to self-destroy now because the worlds through which I am passing every moment with all my feelings, with all my love towards Sorin, need me in this world. Then Sorin wasnt he a coward? Here I feel to weak to answer. Maybe not, only if we admitted that he had committed suicide because this was his Destiny. More than this, he wasnt able to overcome Antarctica. His life was ending in a station of the fogs, snows, frosts, eternal snows, a station where Sorin became a memory and thats it. Going on his way without return, in a world where not even the Voice which stole from me so many years of life existed. It is true that I feel the need to see him, to touch him, to talk to him, but all these I will have to overcome because the nature which surrounds me, my human condition, my spiritual nature must understand that I understand that one day, in a certain moment without time and form I will meet him again, maybe among the eternal ices, maybe in a world with many, many street-lamps on the alleys without end of the Destiny, where we will walk endlessly towards nowhere and never. We cannot really talk about a measure in this Universe because the unique measure of the universe is"the measure without measure", but the term of measure is that of the sixth, seventh or I dont know what sense of man which sets the rule of the game of life from the moment of birth and until death. Any thing, phenomenon, significance, element, vocabulary and many things which become the attributes of the measure of the moment of birth and especially from the moment of our own conscience when we know that we exist, we know that we will die. Without measure life would be impossible, let alone the society. Even the utopia, means the degree of chaos in the Universe has a measure, just as the teleonomy, means the degree of order in the Universe. Both the

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illusion of the organic life and the illusion of the anorganic life is developing depending on a measure. Neither the space-time could exist without measure, at least from the standpoint of our conscience, of its capacity to perceive the world in which we live. We could never assert that the space is big or small without having a measure which to define this big or small. The Universe submitted to our Illusion which is the so called conscious life appears to us as being a thermodynamic Universe full of energies, of plasmatic temperatures, of various temperatures. The astro-physicists agree with the idea that our Universe has a certain degree of entropy which decreases at the same time with the passing of time increasing the degree of teleonomy, that is the order of the illusory matter for us, but taken in consideration by astro-physicists. A calculation which belongs to this king of our illusion is the measure. These scientists are arguing that the decrease in the entropy degree depending on the thermodynamic laws, maintaining that the Universe is thermodynamic. Therefore, if in a system we have two different sources of temperature, these in a certain unit of time will tend to uniform and the result of this uniformity will consist in creating a mechanic work. As the thermodynamic entropy degree will be smaller, the mechanic work will be smaller which, the astro-physicists argue, will slowly lead to the death of the Universe, but its birth would be owed to the power of explosion of the Big Bang where, in a totally uniform Universe the great entropy was produced from our origins which would have given birth to the energies, temperatures, mechanic work and not in the least the world which surrounds us with its plants, birds, stars, galaxies and so many others. This scenario first talks about a maximum teleonomy and an existing entropy which following a hypothetical initial explosion would have lead to the formation of everything that exists. The question which comes to you immediately after this big time aberration is what type of energy could cause such an explosion in a structure with inexistent entropy? None, I will answer. If this energy came from"outside", then we can no longer admit the existence of that Universe, because by its acceptance, the Universe contains"everything", therefore it contains the world outside, as well, and if in this world"outside" there was so much energy that it created the initial explosion of Big Bang, it means that we cannot at all talk about a initially teleonomic Universe, therefore perfectly ordered, but if one profoundly entropic, therefore disordered. Then? Was the Big Bang necessary? Could it be produced still? Not only the occurrence of the Big Bang waqs not necessary, but neither could it be produced, because the Universe had more initial energy from before that explosion, than during the explosion itself. Therefore, the initial teleonomy of the Universe had a degree of entropy different than that of the entropy coming from"outside", giving birth rather to a huge implosion then explosion, which determines even nowadays the drop in the temperatures and energies in the Universe at the same time with the passing of time and implicitly with the drop in the mechanical work. From this perspective, we can relate the"losses" of the illusory matter in the black wholes, those stars which after some strong explosions become supernovas so that in the end their matter become tributary to the process of implosion, which leads to the growth of the atomic and molecular masses of the elements which make up these black wholes, so that the illusory matter"caves in" itself. Until this point the scientists were able to explain, but from this point on? From this point on there is the gate to another Universe, probably an entropy for a teleonomy belonging to another world. As we have said, the real Universe has no measure, even though our life, more precisely our conscience cannot conceive anything without measure. It is not true that the Universe will die by the gradual decrease of the mechanic work, temperatures and therefore in brief because of its growing cold. The real Universe not only that it doesnt have any measure, but it was never

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born and will never die. The real Universe doesnt have times and nor spaces. All are a big illusion. Well, some will say, but at the time when the supernova explodes, this explosion is not produced in a certain space and certain unit of time? No! What we see at that time is nothing else but a multitude of overlapped Universes which creates for us the illusion of succession and spatial development, together with our conscience, but even the illusion which we have about our environment, about movement and transformation and implicitly about temporality is that the explosion could have been produced billions of years ago before we could see it today. Does it exist over time and space? Is it transported in a future so far away only of light, just for the sake of carrying messages? Lets be serious. But what happened in fact at the time of the implosion which formed our Universe cause by the other ones entropy? Simply, the implosion which has a certain development in our mind through the concept of the term itself was nothing else but an overlapping of worlds, which in our mind, when these are acting on us creates the illusion of space temporality, and depending on certain characteristics of theirs: implosion, explosion, speed, transformation and the list could continue. Once there are no measures in the real Universe, we cannot accept even the degree of entropy or teleonomy. True! And the order and chaos in the Universe regarding the existence only in our conscience which beneficiates from the sense of measure. In reality not only they do not exist, but more than this, their place in the real Universe is taken by the thought of the Great Creator. Another question would be how do the worlds overlap giving us in our mind the illusion of transformation, change, of space temporality without the space and time exist in reality? The answer is as simple as possible and consists of the"Unity in diversion" of the real Universe. As I just said the Thought of the Great Creator of the Universe is at the base of its genesis, which gives the entire Universe the attribute of unitary Whole, but otherwise, the valences of this Thought lead implicitly to the diversity of this unitary Whole. We, too, with the being of our soul, even so tributary to the illusion, are part of this unitary Whole which is the Thought of the Great Creator of the Universe and in this unitary Whole in which we are there is also the entire and infinite diversity of the Thought of the Great Creator, therefore our Illusion with the senses which we have since our birth including that sense of measure which is reflecting the diversity which in fact is in us and we in it as being in that unitary Whole which is the Thought of the Great Creator. Another explanation would be also the existence within the illusion of our life of the three times: past, present and future, times which is useless to assert that they belong to the"measure". Any thing occurred within a second or the fraction of a second ago no longer belongs to our world just as a thing which belongs to a fraction of a second in the future does not belong in that moment of our world even though it will"pass very soon through it. Otherwise, the size of the present is not even worth brought under discussion, because this even in our senses of measure could not exist. I wonder what would be the frontier between the present and the future? But between the present and the past? I wonder when a thing belongs to the present and when to the past or to the future? In broad lines we can assert that everything that was belongs to the past and what will be belongs to the future, in the present what is now only as that now I dont know if it exists, because we cannot determine it not even temporarily. Could that"now" be a fraction of a second or it does not exist at all, since the future is united with the past? Then? Life is the Past. In reality the"present" not only that it doesnt even exist, but the future and the past dont exist either. All these belong to the Illusion. Then how can successions or

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transformations be formed in our Illusion? What about the three times? The Thought of the Great Creator is a unitary Whole, but one which includes an infinite diversity. In our illusory world we know that everything that belongs to the past and to the future even at the difference of a fraction of a second belongs to another. In the case in which neither the present exists and we nevertheless have a world, what is really happening? At first site, it would mean that if any elementary particle form the future, be it meson, hyperon, lepton or quarc is separated by a fraction of a second from the so called present with our past, it in fact does not exist in our world. The same is happening also if it already is a fraction of a second in the past. The present seems not even to exist, not even as illusory, then? Our illusory world in which we live doesnt exist? Why do we have a world, a universe of ours with stars, galaxies, distances, mountains, oceans, but also another universe and namely the spiritual one, with a vast accumulation of culture, science and technology. What exactly happens with all these, what are they exactly and to which phenomenon or law the Illusion which we live is tributary from birth till death, why do we have these senses, including that of measure, sense which was never really taken into consideration? Firstly by the example with the elementary particles the atemporality was proven which is at the base of our existence even though we through the Illusion are tributary to the temporality. The same happens with space also. This belongs to the present which in fact exists only illusorily. Any space in the future or in the past does not belong to our world. Therefore we can assert that the atemporality and non-spatiality are a real genesis of the Illusion which we live. herefore, the diversity in a unitary Whole creates for us the Illusion of life, caused by only one element in this diversity, of the unitary Whole, element in which this diversity of the unitary Whole is reflected. The temporal and nonspatial reflection of the diversity of the unitary Whole in an element as well as the reflection of this element in its turn in the diversity of other elements of the unitary Whole gives birth to the Illusion of our conscience, of the Past, history, occurrence, Mystery and Pyramid. Maybe the most disturbing achievement of life resides in identifying the element which create for us our illusory world as it is! All that I can assert about this element is that it generates the Illusion of space-temporality starting from three-dimensionalism, pyramidal evolution, therefore pyramidal space, vectorial time which flows which flows from the future to the past, always with an origin and finality in a pyramidal peak of the history. In brief, the element which is at the base or our world is the space-temporal Pyramid. Our destiny, the destiny of everything there is in this world which we call in a very improper manner: Universe is the space-temporal Pyramid which is the representation of everything that our own Destiny means. In a word, the element which is at the base of our world is the space-temporal Pyramid. Our Destiny, the destiny of everything that exists in this world which we call improperly: Universe, it is the space-temporal Pyramid which is the representation of everything which our own Destiny means. We live in a world in which the basic rule resides in the evolution, movement, transformation, in the wish to always reach a newer peak in the pyramid of development. The pyramid is also a symbol of history, first of all, because the main motor of history is the evolution, the transformation, the change and therefore the future which flows in the far distances of the past of life, our lives. We could not talk about history without time and why not, without space, as substrate on which the actors of the events older sometimes than the Ages are dancing. All these in our world because in other worlds we cannot talk about space-temporality. Our world is a history, after all. It is a deployment of events which come to us from the future, at the same time with the time and the flow back towards the past. Whatever is left and comes to life in this world is

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that developer of events which the history is. History starts from a base, even though lost somewhere in the obscurity of time. That base is also the base of the pyramid which in the end is to develop towards its end, to the future. This is also the sense of the development of the past, of its tendency towards the future, even though the time flows from the future towards the past. For our world, the absolute peak of the Pyramid which is the element of this world is given to us by the present. On the peak the future is delimited by the past, that peak which always tends towards the future, representing the present with its past and all. In brief, the Past is tending to always confront the Future, gaining every time the Time which flows from the Future to the Past, therefore, the Time flows from the Future to the Past, supplying the Past with enough force to confront the Future which will be transformed in Past exactly by this Pas with vectorial sense from the Future which is the Life and the being. Despite all these, can we accept the base of the space-temporal Pyramid as being stable in the case in which for the Illusion of life the peak is mobile? Mobility determined by the phrase above, by the evolution of the space-temporal development towards the Future. As for the base of this Pyramid, from the historical point of view, in the case in which we have a fixed base, we can accept an initial point as existing where the evolution of our world started or incorrectly said by some, of our Universe. As we have proven the cause of the impossibility of accepting that explosion of the initial Big Bang type, considering it more of an implosion of the black wholes type and more than this, certain entropic states which were creating the illusory energy based on reflections of the elements, in no way can we assert that the base of the space-temporal Pyramid and namely the base of our world would in reality be one stable spatially and temporally. It all depends on the entropic reflection of the elements of the infinite diversity in the unitary Whole. As such, once in the exterior of our world, there is no spatiality and temporality which for us are the main motors which create for us the illusion of existence, not even the space-temporal Pyramid, in brief, the element of the destiny of our world, can have fixed frontiers, delimited in space as well as in time. But we, thanks to the Illusion which we live, we can make these delimitations as simple as it can be. We can graphically symbolize a pyramid of the evolution of the human society from Paleolithic and until the present of a fraction of a second ago which has itself already become past. The peak of that pyramid would be the present of a few seconds ago which has already become past and with the base as fixed and stable in a temporal period of the Paleolithic. We, within our conscience, can make such representations, just that they dont exist in reality, because at temporal and spatial infinity, the peak of the spacetemporal Pyramid will always be united with its base losing its spatial threedimensionality becoming by example a square with its corners united by the two diagonals, reducing itself at the intersection of the diagonals, therefore of two steps, and in the end in a point. Exactly in this the mirage of the Illusion resides which we live and namely in the acceptance of the finite as being a brick in the wall of the infinity of the worlds. By this"brick", the point catches contour becoming the intersection of straight lines which are waking up from the infinite"drowsiness" of the worlds,"creating a peak with base in the infinity" and tendencies towards infinity, just that that peak exists, it tends towards the future, it becomes implicitly a developer of history, it gives birth to the threedimensionality and therefore, to our World. Thus the element of our world took"birth" which is the space-temporal Pyramid. The term of"taking birth" is improper, because any birth or any death incubates temporality and spatiality, but here it is all about the illusion of birth.

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The existence of this space-temporal Pyramid itself is illusory, but we can assert that if there is any possibility of describing this illusion which self-defines itself as being our world, then it is nothing else but this Pyramid with space-temporality resulting from somewhere in the infinite, which is tending towards infinite, which gives birth to history and the dialectics of the existence of our world, in brief to the spirit of our world.

Chapter 3
Every month Christine or Mother Sara is sending me a letter telling me a multitude of things regarding her life in the monastery. It is clear that she found again a certain balance in this manner of living, that the thick walls themselves made of grey stone of the monastery are nothing else, that the note about the self knowledge of Mother Sara, are a protection against many thoughts and not seldom"memories" as Mother Sara herself asserted:"I dont know for sure if these walls are protecting me against the invasion of thoughts and memories or I am protecting myself from the frozen exterior of the non-words of outside which never will be said, just as the possible children not born will never be born anymore, just as the restlessness will not be able to pass over the green moss which are trying in their childishness full of fantasy to challenge the walls, trying to defy the time killer of memories. Maybe these walls are protecting exactly my memories, not leaving any unwanted incursion from the exterior to wipes the off, to freeze them in the great ocean of forgetfulness". In another letter she told me as clearly as possible the cause for which she was in the monastery:"Only surrounded by the coldness of the stone in the walls, I can find myself again and do you know why? Because only here in the monastery I can cry inside my soul every morning after I finish my prayer, cry with all my strength: ELOI, ELOI, LAMA SABACTANI!!! which means, My God, My God why have you left me?""All these things you will find them in: Marcus, chapter fifteen verse thirty four of the Bible! Now I would like to read again my correspondence with Christine or Mother Sara Some of the letters which I wrote her throughout time, letters which I dont know for what reason I copied. Out of those letters which Christine this time and in no way Mother Sara wrote to me from between the cold and somber walls full of humid moss, a sort of tears of time on the coldness of the stone. New York, Broonlyn 2nd of March Dear Christine, I dont know why I somehow feel it difficult to say"Mother Sara", maybe because you also were a symbol for me even though so far we were not friends, not even palls. After Sorins death, I knew that you have your place somewhere in my soul, place which belonged to Christine and not to Mother Sara. But since everything is transformed in this world Anyway I am sure

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that the monasteries would become ruins if in the world all sorts of troubles didnt exist. And I wonder if these troubles, soul and body sufferings, who gives them to us? Doesnt it God, I wonder? I wonder whether God is the greatest and strongest in the parking called the planet Earth? Isnt he the one who has the power to do and undo everything? If yes, then why does he allow so much suffering and sadness on this blue planet on which he decided to make some people after his image? Will you tell us, Christine? ! No! When talk comes to pain and suffering, it is not Gods fault, but the Devils. Well, if this is so, why doesnt he defeat the Devil, since God is the strongest. I will tell you why, Mother Sara. First of all, because if he cannot defeat him, then he is not so strong as he seems and if he can defeat him, but he doesnt want to do it, then he is not so kind as he seems to be, it means that he is a sadistic God who wants to torment us. If he is not sadistic and neither can he save the world from suffering, it means that he lost all his powers and maybe he is not Him, God! What do you say about all these, Mother Sara? I have been believing in God ever since I know myself. Ever since my childhood there wasnt a day passing by without me saying my prayer every morning, even though at that age I didnt want to wash my eyes with soap, because it hurt me. The morning prayer could not be done with my eyes dirty. In the evening I would pray again, both for my little plush animals which were surrounding my bed and which the bitch of my mother had bought for me in order to look good in our acquaintances eyes and especially to look good for the social assistance workers who were always ready to take to an orphanage. Where did I end up, Mother Sara, with all my faith? Can you tell me where? In the mad hospital, I am explaining you. I ended up in a mad hospital where I didnt even know what was happening with me, in a mad hospital in which my soul was literally stolen by that miserable Voice. There is where I ended up. I didnt recognize my husband nor my child, even though they visited my daily throughout the years, even though unwillingly, but with the will of God, because everything that happens in this world is his will, I destroyed the life both of my husband, who after many hard years of suffering searched for comfort in your arms and of my child for whom I created a childhood which I dont wish for anybody to have. Can you tell me, Mother Sara, why all these? Can you tell me if I did so much wrong before God that I deserved all these? Did I really do wrong? ! Certainly you will tell me that I didnt do anything wrong, maybe somebody in my family did and the sin was transmitted from generation to generation. Let us say it is so, but in this case it seems to me a tribal way, if this isnt superior either, to punish somebody for the sins of somebody else. Then? Why all these, dear Christine? Why did I have to suffer so much? And you? I am aware that it wasnt easy for you either since you chose the monastery. In a paradoxical way even I thought not only once to become a nun. And, for me the monastery would have become a refuge, a sort of escape from reality, but I didnt do it! Maybe because Mark needed a mother? Who knows. All that I can tell you is that if I ended up in the monastery I would have realized, more there than anywhere else, no matter how hard you are trying to find the back of the world behind you could hide, you will come to understand that you will never make it, that the world doesnt have a back, but

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only birth and death, that what is born will fie and no matter how much you tried in the end to hide from death, you will not be able to do it, because it is your own person and you will never be able to hide from yourself no matter how much you wanted to do this. But if you want your death, you will end up discovering that you never met God! I am not referring to cowardice of the kind I am afraid of Hell, we must be obedient in order to end up in Heaven, but to the fact that indeed God Exists and he is not a masochist, nor weak, nor vengeful and nor evil. Maybe the hardest thing in life is to discover God indeed, to know that he is not a ruthless God and neither is he fighting with the Devil. Why not admit that we are very less numerous on this blue planet which is the earth who ever met God indeed. The rest is created by God, attributing to him their own states of spirit, both positive and negative, just as I did a moment ago. Just that God or the Great Creator of the Universe as Sorin used to call Him has nothing in common with these positive or negative sides of the human nature. In now way we can to talk about a God with human characteristics. It is a tribal matter. In the beginning was the animism, people believed in animals, in gods, in all sorts of phenomena of the forces of nature, later on out polytheism the monotheism took birth. It is true! There is only one God foe every inhabitant of this planet, regardless whether he is a Christian, Arab, Jew, Hindu, Brahmin or Muslim or so many other religions which are trying to define God depending on the ethnological evolution of that particular geographical area. I dont believe in a God having the face of an old man with white beard and bright eyes. God is somewhere above any spirit, above any space and time, of any world, that is why we cannot attribute to God anything of this human nature which belongs to us with its good and evil, just as we cannot assign to the Devil the negative attributes. I dont believe in the existence of the Devil, Mother Sara, because everything that is let to exist in this world and in all the other worlds of the Universe is owed to God. T he fact that the human nature has its dark sides is also owed to the Great Creator of the Universe. I wonder what would we do without those dark sides of our human nature which are leading to the entire range of offenses? Without the machiavelism in any one of us? I wonder how would a world look like if we were all happy, perfect, we would behave as such, no other things would be necessary, a world without evil? The food would grow on trees and the angels would come to fed us? How would a world without suffering look like? I think it would look horrible. It would be a monstrous world which would self destruct! !! We dont want to self-destruct, we want to live, to live! You do understand, Mother Sara, what we want. Only now when I am writing to you these lines I feel like crying aloud. I dont know why! Maybe because we want to live! . And I am consumed often with the thought of committing suicide. What do you say about this, Christine? Do you think that God is evil? No, we people are evil! Certainly God will never think about suicide as I do. He will not think about doing all sorts of anti-social acts. God is not a criminal, we people are. My question is why did God leave us so evil? This I couldnt say anymore that it didnt belong to his will. No matter hiw much we would blame the Devil, he is not stronger that God. I feel such a stranger to myself, Christine, that not only once I felt like going somewhere towards nowhere, to lose any identity, to tear my

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documents and remain a beggar in a big city. It is a dream of mine which consumes me more when I am awake than while sleeping. I imagine a dirty beggar with her hand stretched out to the passers by walking hurriedly on the dark sidewalk because of the humidity of the tears coming from us. Did you know that the clouds are crying, too? You didnt have a clue about this thing, did you? What is strange in that dream which I live with my eyes open is that none of these hurried passers by pays any attention to me. Nobody. I start crying. I too need a penny, poor me. Do you know why I am crying? Not because I am hungry or thirsty or because I need anything at that time. I am aware that the role of a beggar is only a small part of the great role which is my own human condition and it does not represent but a simple dream which I told you before that I live with my eyes open. Do you know why I feel like crying? Because when the passers by dont pay attention to me, I feel a lot of pity for myself. When I cry I release everything that was tensions and stress in me until that time. How do you explain all these things, Christine? I admit that as long as I dont lack anything I am dying of boredom. I feel the need of some variation in my life and then automatically I have the dream with the beggar. Maybe it is exactly what I dont have, something which I necessarily need? I have to go down to that step in order to tend and long for the social step on which I find myself now and which is as indifferent to me as it can possibly be? I dont know what to say, Christine! Then that pity for myself, pity caused by the carelessness of the people. For such a long time I felt the need of such pity. And? When I went to search for it I found that son of a bitch Jim who was nothing else but an interested fellow, failed and lying? Did I obtain the pity which I needed? In no way Christine or Mother Sara. I dont know why in certain circumstances I feel like calling you Christine and in others Mother Sara. This time both names came to my mind, almost overlapping. Did you know that Sorin used to write to me even in the madhouse when I didnt have a clue about his existence? Did you know that some letters were lost and others still exist? As long as I was crazy, I didnt read them. But one of the assisting doctors of the head doctor would read them. I dont know his surname, but his first name was John, doctor John. One of the days when I started to recover and the Voice was leaving me, that doctor John became very close to me. As friends, of course. And what do you think he told me? That I am the wife of a certain guy Sorin who had visited me there often, that that Sorin, he said, loved me very much and that he wrote to innumerable letters of which he kept some. He thought I would never recover. He said this to me in the end. Some of these letters he held back even though he didnt have any right to read my correspondence. I wonder if he didnt breach this right would I have known about their existence. No! Why? Because by reading some he found them extremely interesting and kept them more for himself than for me. Do you know what this doctor liked most, who would have lost his job had I complained against him that he read my correspondence? Do you know what he liked most? The following sentence: "Dear Irene, I will never believe in madness, because of the simple fact that the millenary aspiration of man to reach the stars is in fact the millenary soothing of man to touch the absurd! !!! Sorin. Maybe you, my beloved Irene, always wanted not to touch the absurd and thus you indeed reached the stars. My starry beloved, let the cosmic dust of my love cloth you in his love, let the

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times and spaces cave in themselves and your soul be on the Eternity next to mine beside the true morning stars of a love which will never die. I love you so much that all the roses of the world would form a too poor bouquet for your smile! Yours forever, Sorin Cerin and never more than this." These lines are only a few of the ones which Sorin addressed to me sometimes in his letters to the address of a madhouse and thats it. A madhouse, Christine. I wouldnt want you to take these words, these lines as an offence to make you suffer, just as I wouldnt want you to cut off your relations with me, because I am sure that you also loved Sorin very much, that wandering knight of his own life, who not only that wasnt understood enough by those surrounding him or maybe he wasnt even given the opportunity to express himself in order to be understood! I would like to ask you if you are afraid of death, because I feel a indescribable fear, more than this, a sort of fear mixed with cowardice. I am fearful and a coward when I think about dying, the idea of suicide. I dont think I could ever become an authentic Sorin. Maybe I dont even want this, no matter how much I loved him. I dont know if it is normal to feel the need to enter the skin of the character whom you love, if it is normal to imitate him? To want all these, even though I wanted many times to have the courage which Sorin had before death, to be able to finally confront it! Dont you think that it is one of the greatest achievements of your conscience, that of accepting death and more than this to confront it and laugh in its face? See, dear Christine, I cannot even smile to it, let along laugh in its face? I would like you to write to me on this aspect of the courage to confront death, tell me your opinion, if you consider that it is worth communicating it. I am fearful, Christine, even though I know for sure, I am more than sure of the existence of the afterlife, I am afraid of death. I cannot cast away the thought which resides in my subconscious which tells me that once you died, you are dead, you dont know anything about what goes on around you, you are stiff and thats it. You dont exist, you have disappeared for good, with everything that you were, with your being and your soul. Even though I am sure that that thought is a great non-truth, even though I would prefer to assert any enormity, like: the snow is hot or the rays of the sun give us darkness and not light, but to assert that there is no life after death. I know for sure that that afterlife exists, that world after death, just as I know that the snow is cold and the rays of the sun give us light. Despite all these, we are terribly afraid of death. Maybe it is a kind of phobia. Who knows. All I can really assert is that I have other fears, as well. The fear of height, by example. If I am inside a tall building at a higher floor, I am afraid to look outside the window, I cannot bear the height, even though I know that once I am in that room, the height cannot harm me, I cannot fall into the abyss. Despite all these, I am afraid. The same goes for the height as for death. I am sure, more than sure, that I will not fall into the abyss from that room and still I am afraid, just as I am not sure there is an afterlife and I am still afraid that once you dont see anything before you, the relations with the world as well as with those of the world with me are finished for good. I wonder why the Illusion of life invented the fear of anything which could suppress it? It is simple! In order to persist. Please forgive me, Christine, if I created for you some discomfort reminding you of death. I know this is not one my most joyful topics, but life was given us in order to be able to die and more than this, in order to become aware in a better way of

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the existence of death, awareness which doesnt brush off after death exactly because of the afterlife. If the afterlife didnt exist, if we died indeed in our body and soul, if our body werent born of dust and of our soul not even the slightest trace of love remained, the concept of death would die for good with our death, means the death. Then where would we come if we stepped even on death itself? Not back to the afterlife itself, not in a world where death doesnt exist, cold and impersonal with decaying bodies and fetid smell, with deep holes in which the black coffins are submitted full of the life which died? Who are we really? The white bones from the Tombs, the worms which are eating us, the cosmic ships which are crossing the Universe, the phones or cars, the loves more or less fulfilled, the computers of the most performing or the numbers wiped from the trace of time on the funeral stones, the grave diggers, the smoke of the incinerators which is rising towards the clear heights of a sky which blesses them with the clarity or as if nothing happened as if a small spot of dust could in no way defeat the frozen clarity of the coldness of the non-words which that smoke rising slowly could utter yet years and years under the sun. Are we all these and we are afraid of death? Why? Why are we given this afterlife? Only to be more aware that we are dead? Why do we have to be aware? Isnt there a different thing from the awareness which in fact could be an awareness of another world? At this moment I am uplifting the total death, that final death of the time and soul, without the afterlife which to trod even death under its feet, let death die finally and irrevocably. Nevertheless, Christine, I am afraid of the final death. I want the afterlife, maybe as a substitute of this life but at the same time I want to final death so the death would die. Do you think that if it died: death! the life will remain forever? Do you believe in this, Christine? Life is in fact the substrate of death. Do you know why? Because death will never exist without life the death is always supplied and born out of life, that life in itself becomes the structure which supplies death, it become death? How do I know that life isnt death? In order to destroy death you will first have to destroy life, but if you destroy life, you will not destroy death, you will give birth to it. Why does life have to pay this price? Why have I been born? Why do I have a Destiny which was born to die and will die to live? Yes, Christine, in order to live in the afterlife or who knows in what world. I didnt ask anybody to get born. Nobody asked me if I want to get born or not! Then why one day I will have to give account to death? You must know, Christine, that to destroy life means to give birth to death. But I wonder if it isnt true that everything that takes birth lives? To give birth to death isnt yet a life, an awareness or call it whatever you like, but stil a from of existence? How do we know that except the Illusion of our awareness there arent more in the infinity of worlds and other illusions where the awareness is not only different in respect to ours, but it is not even an awareness, but a phenomenon which has altogether different meanings, different valences, but it is the synonym of our awareness. To destroy birth would mean to eliminate death, it still means life, of course in the sense of existence. To destroy birth means eternal life? And still this eternal life lacks one thing in order to become eternal life and that is death! Implicitly birth and of course the birth of death. The birth of death gives birth to death, it gives birth to life. The eternal life needs a point of reference in order to become both life as well as eternal. This

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point of reference is death, at least in our world and within the Illusion which to was it seems reality. In the so called reality of ours any thing or phenomenon exists depending on a point of reference. Life and death, beauty and ugliness and the list could continue. We see that our points of reference are in their greatest majority the reverse of the thing or phenomenon under discussion. Of course there are points of reference which doesnt represent that reverse, such as the distance from a mountain top to another mountaintop. The two points of reference are similar in as far as the subject under discussion is concerned: death. This could not exist without its point of reference which is life. At least from our standpoint, we could not accept the existence of the eternal life without its point of reference which is the eternal death, finally coming to the conclusion that the eternal life, the infinite life is also the eternal death, the infinite death, because several infinites will never be able to exist, only arbitrarily. The real infinite is unique, it is the biggest, it contains ALL and in this ALL life is death and death is life, in a word: The Life of the Eternal Death. In this case, Christine, maybe you can realize yourself where the alchemists would have ended had they discovered the elixir of the eternal life. It would have ended up in eternal death exactly at the opposite pole in comparison with what they wanted. But Christine? I, Irene, who is still named Cerin, where will I end? In fact, what am I afraid of? Do you know what conclusion I came to this moment? That in reality I am afraid of myself, trying to run away from death. And do you know something else? This scares me the most. I cannot hide anywhere of myself, not even in the death which I am afraid of, afraid that I, Irene Cerin, might not be Irene Cerin, a fear not to lose my own identity resulting from somewhere in the depths of my being, dark depths where I hid the feelings which are not so nice, like egoism, the desire to become rich, to overcome without morals, to excel even though you hurt others, the desire to always be the partner of the lions part as well as other dark corners, prostitution, evilness and many others. Then? I know, dear Christine, that this negative part of the being is part of life, and even more, it creates for you that necessary energy, it helps somewhat to the development of the society trying in as much as possible to cast away death from the plans of the feelings under discussion or if not, to accept it as part of the everyday ordinary. No death is an everyday ordinary. Everyone is unique in its own way and just as the birth or the destiny of that particular person throughout life. These negative feelings are the ones running away from death, because death would annihilate them. The awareness of their annihilation gives birth to the fear of death. What good is there in avarice when in the end your name will be written on a funerary stone? But the falsehood, egoism and other such feelings. I would tell you, Christine, nothing. In the end all these feelings are actuating if not consciously at least in the subconscious the fear of death, transforming it in a chronic fear with strong reverberations in the psychic of the person. Do you know, Christine, what I think about Sorin? That he was a good man, a man too good for life that he accepted death. As you can see, I am not so good, even though I would like all these. Religion does not accept those who are committing suicide, because they consider that life is given by God, only God can take it. Maybe at the time of the suicide God agreed with it, too, because nothing under the sun is done without his WILL. Every soul has a Destiny and this Destiny finishes its assignments in this

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world at the time of death, regardless how this death occurred, in this case by suicide! I always accepted the idea that every man, plant, animal, rock, ocean, planet, galaxy, world, it has its own Destiny and not only this, but a cosmic Destiny. Every atom, molecule, elementary particle or Quark have their Destiny resulted from somewhere in the depths of the absolute and infinite profoundness of the Great Creator of the Universe has a Destiny. In the Universe determined by the Great Contemplation of God there is an infinity of other Universes among which our world, this one in which we take birth in order for us to die! In the end it means that even the Destiny of a person committing suicide was known by God long before he was born in this world and die. Even the term"before" is not suggestive enough, because it represents a space-temporal quality and God is not submitted to the rules of the spaces nor to the times, therefore that"before" is improper. God is the one who created the ages and not the ages are the ones who created God. The interdiction to commit suicide, interdiction found in some religions seems to me at least partially and not totally plausible. It would be useless to remind myself that every religion has a policy in which certain laws of the social behavior as well as the ones tributary to the society in which that religion developed are dealt with. Where would they have ended if their believers had the right to commit suicide? To a diminishing of their number fact which would not have been pleasant to that particular religion and not only to the religion, but also to the society in which it was created, to that particular state. The lack of such an interdiction would have clearly lead to the decrease in the number of persons in that society, threatening with its disappearance. I met many people who considered those who committed suicide to be cowards. Do you know why, Christine? Because they dont take time to confront the pain, the suffering, in brief the misery of life as the people committing suicide are. I would like to see which one of these persons who are ready to categorize the people committing suicide as cowards would have the power, courage, to confront their own life, to confront themselves and commit suicide? I think you dont need an answer to this question which I asked. Then where is the cowardice? What is its structure on the social hierarchy? Here I will answer you Christine. Cowardice reaches the maximum level or the culminant point on top of the social pyramid in the majority of the situations and as you proceed towards the base, it decreases. Why? Because as you go up at certain levels, you will meet all the more persons who are lying to their own life accepting: the compromise. The compromise to let your illusion roam free in the Illusion of your life, that of reminding to yourself that whatever you do for yourself and for the close ones is wonderful. The compromise to underestimate and even cast away death from among the thoughts. The compromise of eternity and durability which you will give your own work and the list could continue. This compromise with life crept into the religions, as well. Why not admit it the truth. No matter how much we tried to lie to ourselves. Our life is a long compromise from the awareness of the existence and until death, with ourselves. I came to the conclusion that this illusion in which we all live, born just as robots whose shape, parts, capacities and producing factory are identical, necessarily needs cowardice. Cowardice is the

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result of that compromise which every man makes with how own person, from here the so called impurity or dirt is born, sin of life. I wonder how would our world look like without compromise? But we as individuals and of course the society which we compromised? First of all, dear Christine, our world would not look in any way, because it would no longer exist and let alone the society, it would be as inexistent, just like the individuals who made it up! Life is a long compromise with ourselves! We got born in a world of paradoxes, world which we must meet with precaution and decisiveness, thus, we will not be able to take with us too many things of this world. No matter how much we will want to understand the paradoxes of this world like: Why is death hated by life once it is a deliverance? And why does life run away from death once it is born? And the list of the paradoxes could continue endlessly. I wonder whether life materializes through the long line of paradoxes which we have to confront, just like a ship, the waves of the ocean, until we reach the harbor with the destination death? Why the Ocean of the Mirage of Life is so stretched out and deep that we can never determine its coordinates no matter how much we guided ourselves by the Death Star which reflects itself in it? I would like to ask you, Christine, why we wll who got born must be travelers through this Ocean? Wouldnt it have been better if we were only the inhabitants of just a harbor and not sailors? You in fact, what are you doing in a monastery? Do you think that the Monastery is the your Ship on the Ocean of the Mirage of Life? Do you think you saw Gods soul that he showed to you the Milky Way while you were traveling on the Ocean of the Mirage of Life, guiding yourself by the Death Star? Where did God prompt you to go? How will have to navigate in life, in the future? Avoiding the hurricanes and huge waves of your own Destiny or confronting them? What flag are you displaying on the ship on which you are? Is that of the one of the paradoxes which you are displaying or the one of the cross? I would like you to understand me, Christine, that I asked you all these questions which are tormenting me often and for which I could not yet find an answer in my soul and even though I found it, still it could not reside in that room of my heart where in the deep silence of the night only the metronome beats of time which is measuring every minute for you with the accuracy which we will not meet anywhere on Earth, which is measuring the blood of the existence of your Destiny. This and nothing more, a blood which flows slowly, but surely through the veins of your Destiny, to love and to suffer, somewhere in the Ocean of the Mirage of Life, in the Great Illusion as Sorin would have said it. As for the rest, dear Christine, mark is fine, healthy, just that two weeks ago he had a nasty cold. He wants to get married with a girl Chelsea whom he introduced to me half a year ago. They live together somewhere in Manhattan. He left his address with me, I promised them to pay them a visit, but I dont know why I didnt go. I like it in Brooklyn, even though this neighborhood reminds me of various moments of the past, finding myself again in a world which was and of which all the less people will remember. My present is somewhere there. You know very well that when I tries to bring the present to the present, that I was sure it was worth reliving my life and change it, to become a woman without problems, strong and self-confident in any situation, I encountered a painful failure. I met that bastard Jim who didnt

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want anything else but take advantage of me. What profit did I gain when I left Manhattan to remake my life? With the fact that I became a bigger stranger to myself, with the fact that I felt and hid of myself in order to live an Illusion with that bastard with whim I wanted to replace Destiny? ! let me come back to the present with my present from the past? What is the result of all these facts? Do you think I changed and became another Irene? No, not at all. The effect was exactly the opposite. Over night o woke up even more stranger to myself and more anchored in the past as ever. The result was for me a complete failure, as defiant failure on my own person, that I dont know whether I will ever recover from this foolishness of mine. Despite all these, I am so damned alone, Christine. It is a painful loneliness and why not: killing. I know it is very important that on the ship of your life you find your soul mate with whom to sail, but what if you will not succeed? If you come to the conclusion that that soul is not the one beside you and he died? Then it is better you sail alone than alone in two. Same happens to that soul mate, even though you dont know that it exists, he is taken away from you by the Destiny and taken to other far distances of the Ocean of the Mirage of Life where maybe he lives beside another soul in the mirage that that would be his soul mate, same loneliness in two. I think and I strongly maintain, Christine, that Sorin was my soul mate. I dont want to offend with this statement, but I dont think that a soul mate can have several mates. I dont think that you were Sorins mate. What killed him was exactly his character as fighter, of always wanting to win, wanting to defeat his own life. He was not the man to accept the compromise of this life which made him remove his own life. This I consider as being the cause of Sorins death. Despite all these, I wouldnt want to upset you for nothing in the world. Chelsea, the girl together with whom Mark lives and with whom he wants to get married asked me recently what sort of a wedding dress to prefer, with white veil or pink? I remember when I married Sorin in Saint Patricks Cathedral I didnt have a wedding dress and neither did I have a veil. I didnt even know that I would get married that morning. I dont even know how I got to the cathedral, how the bishop welcomed us and asked us what we want, how Sorin ran to buy wedding rings and in less than an hour we were in front of the altar with the trivets of the cathedral on our heads and with two godfathers chosen especially for this as witnesses among the passers by who were in the area. Neither those two and nor could we believe that we are getting married and not in the last, that these unknown people from the crowd are our godfathers. You think that we didnt get along in life if we got married like this? We got along and very well. If it were not for my miserable disease certainly our Destiny would have been different. I am not the fan of ceremonies with luxury, where everything is thought on from before, where they hold boring speeches and where everything beneficiates from a sound directing with lights as on the scene in an old crowded Broadway theater. Even though our life is a drama, sweeter, more bitter, more languid or sober, it is firstly directed by Destiny. When we intervene in the place of the Destiny thinking that we will be able to replace it successfully, we end up living falsely and in no way the Illusion of life, this Illusion which was given us by the Destiny and which is unique in order to be able to travel on the Ocean of the Mirage of Life in the

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calmness of the hurricanes which are haunting us guided by the Death Star. I never liked to accept the idea that my life is a drama, be it better or worse, played somewhere in a full hall on Broadway, where because of the crowdedness there is no air to breathe, you suffocate and the actors on the scene are saying their roles just like hanged people fighting with the rope choking them, suffocating them. Well, Christine, this is not my life and finally I will not be able to tell Chelsea what wedding dress to choose for herself. I hate wedding dresses and everything that belongs to luxury, because I consider all these things as a legitimization of the falsehood. I wonder how our world would look like without luxuries and pomp? Without politicians in formal ware and so called elegant and extravagant dinners? Why do people run away from the truth, from the precious truth which they possess and cannot understand, this crumb of truth of the Destiny, of its Illusion which anyway is very far from the Basic Truth of the worlds? Why am I running from this truth accepting the lie of the luxurious directing of fashion, cars, houses and the list could continue? Why is there any need for luxuriant celebrations when a bouquet of flowers taken from your heart and a few words told before a priest with two godfathers chosen randomly out of the crowd are weighing much more in the depths of your soul? I will tell you why, Christine. Because people are running away from themselves. For them the compromise with the life which I told you about just now consists in creating an imaginary world, more acceptable than this world we live in. A world of lies. From here the fashion, the extravagance, ceremonies and many other things which transports people in that world which they think it makes them pass easier through the Ocean of the Mirage of Life, but they are utterly wrong, because they are not doing anything else but run away from themselves, causing all the taller waves which in their turn will isolate them even more, since they will end up on the death bed wondering lucidly this time:"My life was a dream. I dont even know when it passed. Now you get born and now you die. How fast the time passes by." Only then they realize that by running away in the dream world of models, sometimes of drugs, life passed them by avoiding them, letting them drown in the Ocean of the Mirage of Life. Then? What do you think that such a soul could want more? A very fashionable suit for the mountains, a luxuriant car which everyone turns their heads around to watch, a cigarette, a glass of wine, drugs? Beautiful women, dream palaces, jewels. No! No way, none of these! Everything that a soul may want when they are aware of the imminence of death is to relive a life directed by their own Destiny, in which to know love, suffering, happiness, seasons, the rain drops which to flow down their front head, real feelings and firstly their half destined to them by the Illusion of Destiny and this only if it is destined to you, thus, at that time he will want more than ever to be in control of his ship, to look at the violent waves which are reflecting the rays of the Death Star, to feel the thrill, the vibrations of the rudder, the strength and power of the waves of life on their journey towards death. In no way he will forgive the moments when instead of being in control he was hiding behind some false directing on a bed in a cabin of the ship. Time passed by and the waking clock announces him that he is in the Harbor of Death. I think there is no greater pain at that time than knowing that you traveled sleeping on the Ocean of the Mirage of Life, that you will never see its waves, that you will never feel its cool breeze with smell of sea plants and

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more than this, the horizon which is always lost towards a new line of our Destiny for its future unification with death. Well, see, dear Christine, how intricate are Gods ways? Now I want to commit suicide, now I dont, now I want to throw myself on the board of my Destinys ship between the mysterious waves of the Ocean of the Mirage of Life and now I dont! Despite all these I dont think that to live your life means to stall more time on your Destinys ship meaninglessly. The quantity of the temporality of life is not what matters, but its quality. When I feel like committing suicide I am thinking that everything that was pure and true in my life took place, as for the rest, whatever is left is only the squabble in the cup of coffee. Then I go down to a room of the ship and live again in the past letting my rudder by itself, letting the ship navigate at will. Well, now again I want to commit suicide. Just a moment ago I didnt want this. Maybe I was thinking that that dying person regrets exactly the fact that he didnt stay in control of his ship. When I realize that I tried not only once to take my rudder in my own hands and I didnt succeed to hold but a few moments, I feel like crying, like shouting as loud as I can, even though in the deafness of the loneliness of my soul, I shout: - Why, oh God, do you give me such big waves on the route of my Destiny? What wrong have I done? Then I repeat several times within me: I dont know, I dont know, I.; and so on until I fall asleep in the ship which navigates at will. Good night Drowsy Irene After one month I received Christines answer. I didnt think she would write to me. I knew I was tough with her. After all, Sorin was her husband, too, and I wasnt doing anything else but remake those pictures with other hews of color and images. What I was doing was to change the image of a street, of a quarter of the soul, what wasnt one of the most pleasant or acceptable of things. Here I have Christines answer to my letter dated in March. She is writing to me: 2nd of April San Antonio, Texas Dear Irene You dont know how happy I was when I received your letter, now more than two weeks ago. Forgive my delay in answering, but I had a very busy period of time in the monastery with the preparations for the Holy Easter that I hardly had time to breathe. I can say that even I am thinking of you and Sorin often. I wasnt upset when you made the remarks with the half of the other. I believe just as you, Irene, in the fact that every soul has a half of his on this Earth which he can find or not! Honestly, I dont think I found mine, maybe that is why I am in this monastery. I know it sounds somehow strange to you, but when I chose to come here, I did it exactly to run away from loneliness. I was also tormented by that aspect of death and that to a serious extent. Many people will assert that who withdraws to a monastery chooses the solitude! In a way, this is true, but here it is more about the bodily solitude and in no way about the spiritual one, because, anyway, in comparison with New York, in the monastery I feel God closer to me, I feel the closeness of the other souls of mothers, souls who in their great majority ran away exactly from that crushing loneliness which is offered you by the society when you will never find your soul mate. No matter how much sex you had with one person or another, they will never replace the soul and more than this, no soul, no matter how warm they would behave towards you, they will never replace

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your soul mate if he is not destined to you by the Destiny for this. Initially I believed in Sorin, he was the one giving me affection as much as I wanted. I needed it. Immediately as I opened the tap of his eyes, the affection started flowing! I never thought that this tap will break down and that at that time no plumber of souls in the world would ever be able to fix it. In the beginning, just as you, after a long suffering, I decided to change the old and broken tap in my heart with a new one. The first one I brought to my bed was not a match, it hardly worked for one week, then it broke down. The second one only two weeks, the third and the forth and the fifth and the list could continue until the thirteenth tap. It is an unlucky number or it isnt, I dont know, but from that moment on I decided to become a nun. I was aware I had become a prostitute thirsty for sex, that at a certain moment in time I almost wasnt even interested with whom I am sleeping and I wanted to feel in me the organ as thick and hard to satisfy me. I was trying to lie to myself that our affection resides in the sexual satisfaction, I almost achieved this. I didnt want to hang onto the arm of any guy with my heart because I was afraid not to fall crazily in love with him and he, the great one coming into my life should not have been your Jim, who in the end was going to make me suffer. How paradoxal is the human soul. I wanted love with all my heart, I wanted affection, I wanted my soul mate whom I was looking for and at the same time I was running away from all of these, I was trying to hind in the corners of the sexual depravity because I was afraid not to create the false illusion that I found my affection, love, soul mate and then everything be nothing else but just an illusion, just as our entire life, only that the Illusion of Life is a standard Illusion for everybody, fact which gives you the feeling that you are never alone as long as you join that standard which gives peace, wipes off the pain by the news that what you are living others are living, too and therefore it is normal. What is painful is the fact that in this standard of illusions a sort of open lie intervenes which is creating the impression of truth, allowing you to give free way to your suffering to run free on the endless stretches of the heart, hitting in their crazy rush the foaming waves retreating in a calmness full of the torment of the sand on the shore of love and happiness, whitened by their foam towards the Ocean of the Mirage of Life, just as you called it, Irene. Now you understand me, Irene! The notion of soul mate is one of the few notions which the Illusion of Life which a standard spreads in the souls of those keeping it in existence, as a cloud of pollen over the flowers in the summer, spreads it shouting:"everyone must find their soul mate!", without saying whether he is to be found for real or not. It is only one of the paradoxes of life. Maybe I have this fear also because of the fact that I really loved Sorin for true. I cared a lot for him. I dont know why, but I was sure that Sorin was my soul mate, I felt that I was a happy person who didnt need anything more in this world. Everything lasted until you shoed up again, suddenly in his life. Maybe he also believed that I was his soul mate, maybe it suited him to think like this, you being ill, incurable, in his conscience. Well, you see Irene, I didnt come to understand this namely that Sorin liked to live with the lie that I was his soul mate, exactly in order to forget a part of the past of lead which was oppressing him. I didnt understand all these. At the time when he came back to his senses and saw you in the flesh, healthy by Marks side, in the park near Columbia where you slept during

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your first night in New York, only then he realized for the first time how much he had been lying himself about me. Only then he realized that all the time spent with me was nothing else but a lie coming from his desire to cast away his past of lead exactly because he loved you very much. I was in his heart a sort of substitute of yours, but in no case the original, but a better or worse copy of it. From that time he could not accept to live next to a copy and reject the original, but he couldnt admit in his own soul that he had been lying to himself either, that he had been living a lie for a good deal of time. More than this Sorin, no matter what else, started to love sincerely, truly even though he knew that I was not the original. He had crazily fallen in love with the copy. This killed him. The fact that he could not realize how he had fallen in love with the copy more than with the original. Then he realized that his life was a lie and therefore it didnt make any sense anymore. This is what I think, Irene, and this time I wouldnt want my writing to make you upset. I admit the fact that I felt humiliated when I realized that I was a loyal copy of the person whom I had to replace and who was nobody else than you, Irene. We two dont look physically alike, at all. Your hair is dark and mine is brown. We have two different professions, not even aptitudes and as personality I think we are not at all the same. Then? What do you think made Sorin choose exactly me for a trip from Europe to Australia? I will answer to you myself, Irene. Sorin was made to choose me by that something which gave him peace and power at the same time. Maybe a ray of light chosen by millions and millions of other rays which were falling as aslant in our eyes as the snow flakes on the lips thirsty with love. Maybe at that time it seemed to him that that ray looks exactly like the ray which he had noticed once in Irenes eyes. When I heard that you had recovered and I was feeling his eyes all the colder, it hurt me a lot. It had started even from that evening when he came back home after meeting with you and his eyes were throwing ice cold looks floating at free will over the frozen oceans of the feelings. Maybe that is why he chose Antarctica to commit suicide. From that evening he really felt the coldness of life I couldnt help him. I could not send him back to your arms because I loved him. despite all these, I said the next day:"Maybe it would be better for you to go to Irene. I feel, Sorin, that between us there came one of those harsh winters in the life of the Earth and Sky and Fire and Waters in our souls. I feel that even the rays of light in our eyes have frozen. I see how all these elements become icebergs and they are breaking under the cornice boarding of our hearts, the iced soil and water falling down at our feet which make up our bodies who had kissed each other and caressed so often, the icebergs of sky and fire as broken and frozen at our feet which have opened the gates of the horizons and clear distances of our burning feelings, hotter once than any plasma which conceives love and ices of light fallen as inert and impersonal at the feet of our feeling which together with other ices, with the other pieces of ice, soil, sky, fire and water gave birth to our Destinies, bringing them together even though for a short period of time. No matter how much we lived, our life wouldnt mean anything not even a crumb of time, reported to the infinity of the Universe and then, Sorin? What could I tell you in these moments? Towards what cardinal points with or without horizon to send you? Towards those with horizons or towards those without horizons? You really need horizons. Life would cave in without horizons, because in them you find the strength and force to continue further

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on the way of feelings. At the same time you need horizons, because you might have to go far away, to go so far from yourself that you lose your own life in a meaningless death. You are a traveler through my Destiny, Sorin, even though I would have liked to become the station for a life. And no train ever pass through my soul out of which another one and another one stop, hurried travelers, so hurried that even their time becomes on fire and it burns, it burns moments of the soul, moments of love in a choking smoke which numbs even the Destiny itself, making it fall asleep in the wonderful dreams of the estranging oneself, great curse of our makings from the beginning of the world, curse of the Original Sins without which we cannot exist regardless of how much we wanted it, like Sorin used to say: If we didnt have the Original Sin we would have had to invent it this being one of the main pillars which ensures our painful peace full of torment and crying in silence of our Destiny." All these I told Sorin that evening. I dont claim that I revealed to him the sentences word by word, but to a great extent this was our conversation. I dont know what occurred to me to use ice in my expressions. Sorin Cerin answered me:"- The Ice Age of my soul has started." This is what he told me and nothing more. He sunk with his body in the armchair in front of the fire place and remained still with his eyes fixing the flames which were dancing an eternal fire dance. It hurt me that I had to tell him all these, but I felt that there was nothing I could do, I knew that it was my duty to give him freedom to choose, I felt that if I didnt give him this freedom to choose, he would have suffocated himself by my side in the thick and dense smoke of our fiery Destinies. What was I supposed to do then? Could I tell him Mr. Cerin, this is your house and this is your wife and therefore it is compulsory for you to respect your contract with me! In a word, our marriage. Do you think that if I told him all these things, he would have remained just like a dog harnessed with the contract of our own marriage by my side? Maybe yes, maybe no, but in any case that would not have been Sorin Cerin, but a soul imploring for mercy, yes, Irene, more pity than what his soul inspired to me: noblesse, courage, love, greatness, goodness, justice. All these would have remained hidden in a corner of his locked heart forever with thick locks of the incapacity of ever coming to life. Sorin would have become an obscure character for whom the sole purpose of his life would have been that of vegetating in a continuous lethargy, waiting for his death in a strange station both to me and to him, on a platform of dismembering and defeat in the most important battle in his life, that with his own life. He lost because of his Destiny. In no way do I think that the defeat was caused by him. He was too much of a fighter who with a special tenacity he was smelling the battlefield on which his own hopes, achievements, aims, success are found suddenly, when all these considered him defeated, when they sure that Sorin will never hold them, he attacked with all the strength of his will and intelligence, his priceless weapons and overcomes, taking in his own soul both the successes and the failure of the victory. He knew better than anyone else to transform every failure in a real success, he was a master in choosing his targets. Can you realize, Irene, what did Sorin feel when he saw himself defeated for ever and Irremediably? It is true that I often thought what would have happened if I didnt tell him to go to you, if I didnt tell him about the ices of the fire, earth, waters, light, sky, if I thought all these on the spot without telling him. I always repeat dozens of times in my mind what would have happened if I didnt talk to him about the

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ices? Forgive me, Irene, if I repeat with this obsessive question of mine, question whose answer I already know even before formulating it, to which I answered dozens, hundreds and thousands of times I still ask it knowing that if I still had Sorin by my side, he would have been a defeated Destiny, un unhappy Destiny who could not divide his life according to the will of his own Destiny. I would like to get released from the mania of this question and I am not able to succeed. Maybe I loved him too much, Irene, maybe I will never be able to forget his wonderful kiss in that plane flying over thirty thousand feet above the Pacific. The blue of the ocean was melting together with that of the sky letting it flood our souls with their peace blessed by the bright rays of the Sun who were happily hugging us that we had come so close to their hearts. I like to talk to you Irene because I can tell you what I feel, I perceive you as a soul as far away as close it is. A paradox which I cannot explain. Maybe because of the fact that I have the feeling that you are the only being who would understand me in as far as Sorins person is concerned. Dont think that I sometimes dont have the tendency to navigate somewhere in my past, where I had at least the impression that I was loved, wanted, in brief to form together with my soul mate a whole. We both know very well what a wonderful, comfortable feeling is created by the awareness of that whole, better said the couple. Then when I realize that will not be able to travel forever only on the waves of my past, when I feel that even the ship of my life is starting to screak from all its parts, a sinister sound of the end of the world horrifies me and those waves of the past dont hesitate in hitting it with their force stirred up by the nature, roaring continuously lie a savage pain of life in loneliness. When I know that in the darkness of the night even the Guiding Star of Death is lost, then and only then, I lift my front head towards the sky and I cry aloud in the deep silence of my soul: Mercy, God! Then I wait for the dawn throughout the chambers of heart. When the rays of light are late in coming, I beg for more mercy. Again and again when I hear the horrifying, ripping barking of the dogs which are biting hungrily from the flesh of my memories which are running here and there hurt, hitting one another, all the more overwhelmed because of the pain caused by the dogs, of the fear and caused by them until they get lost in the obscurity of my past, just as the masts in the night on the Ocean of the Mirage of Life. At that time I again beg for mercy from my God and only then I can finally see the first ray of light in my heart which helps me see with clarity the cold Wall and full of humid moss, of a dark green color which is staining the grey of the monasterys Wall. At that time I feel at the peak of despair, more lonely than ever that I pray to God to keep me company and I tell him that I feel like going crazy because of loneliness and I am telling him that I dont want the ray of light anymore which is showing me the wall of the monastery, but I want to go back to my past and I pray to God to remove the dogs this time which are ripping my memories apart and these dogs retreat nicely somewhere in the dark, taking with them the ray of light which was given me to see the wall of the monastery, so that I could go back into the past. Once I know that I find myself there again by prostration and begging to God I want to see the light again and again the wall of the monastery is revealed to me and dear Irene, this is how my life flows begging from God what I dont have because what I receive I cannot stand. At first sight maybe you just like me will have the feeling that I am a

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person who doesnt know what she wants, an undecided person. My restlessness doesnt come from indecisiveness neither from a instability of psychic type, but because regardless of how many people I have around me, I feel alone, I feel a painful immense solitude, so painful that when I run to the past and present and again between the present and the past and gain and again, I in fact am trying to run away from myself. I feel that I am afraid of myself, that I am not at all that Christine whom I know! Then? I came to the monastery in order to feel God closer to me, to keep me company, not to be alone. DO you know what I found out from my life with God? I found out that God will never be able to come down from his infinity as a simple soul. God gave us the way and the feet with which to cross, but he will never come to cross it instead of us. God will always represent the Absolute and the Truth while we, mere immortals who are born in Illusion and we die holding it in our arms, we will never be able to understand God, because he is the Beginning and the End of Infinite. In the Illusion which we live, it is very hard to understand the Infinity has a beginning and an end just as it is difficult to understand that the Becoming, Transformation can exist without times or spaces and despite all these, the infinite spaces are becoming inexistent, letting the Becoming make its mark even without them. Do you know, Irene, what impressed me in your letter? The manner in which you explained the diversities of the worlds in their unity as well as the unity in diversity. I believe in this interdependency in this reflection of the elements of the diversity of the worlds, ones and the other in a Whole which is the Thought of the Great Creator of the Universe, the Movements, Transformation not being anything else but non-temporal and spatial Becoming at the level of the worlds where there are neither times nor spaces, but completely other coordinates depending on the element which characterizes them. This Becoming not being anything but the reflection of the other elements of the worlds in our elements creating the Illusion of the self existence, in brief the awareness of the existence, namely that conscience. Now maybe you understand why I feel God so far from my soul from the standpoint of the loneliness and still so close to me, to the corners of each chamber of my heart. I love God because I love myself. I am afraid of God, because I am afraid of myself. I adore God, because I adore myself as His creation. I praise God because I thank him for the goodness and happiness in my life, as much as it was, but they were and I beneficiated from them. I desire God because He is the Master and I am the Beggar! If I were not a beggar before him anymore would I still adore him, love him? If I didnt have even the slightest interest from God? If I didnt need anything from him? Then, what kind of Mother Sara would I be? The people, what kind of people would they become, how would religion change them? All these because we wouldnt beg for mercy anymore, because the fear of tomorrow would not exist, the fear, the hopelessness, the crimes and so many other evils? I wonder whether exactly these evils urge us people to adore God? Are they compelling us to create him within our spirit, creation to defy the histories and evolutions of mankind? It is somehow sad, Irene. I feel a deep sadness in my heart. I would have liked people to create and understand a God who didnt give them anything and they, the people, to understand that everything that surrounds them with the good and the evil be created by the Thought of the Great Creator and that these creations give us in

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their turn or do not give us depending on the requests. The Real God is in no way coming down to each one of us waiting diligently to be asked of him. The Real God is no expression of the defeated beggars in the fate of this world. He is the Destiny of all the things in the Universe. The Destiny of the Infinite, of the Absolute and the Truth. When I assert that God and only God is this Destiny, I am doing it also because the Thought which created the worlds with its existences and non-existences belongs to God, always across Time, Spaces or Illusions. He is and thats it. This is the Real God, dear Irene, this God I discovered here between the cold walls of the monastery. Him I started to worship and from him I am ashamed when with my stupid mined womans mind I try to personify him, creating this and that for him, including mercy, including to bring me from my past to my present and the other way around. That God whom I address myself is in fact a self-addressing of mine to myself, to everything that has value, candidness, goodness in my soul, but also to that side of me which is afraid, I am frightened and it feeds on the mystery in my veins. If I speak, I am doing it with this last of all Gods, this last one of all Gods is asked by people in churches to give them one thing or another one. To him the oppressed and the tormented of the Destiny are going, but the others are going, too, because they feel the need to address themselves, they feel the need for power from the depths of their own souls, where there are indescribable treasures which only the ceremonial luxury of the churches can unlock with the big rusted keys of the atavist Destiny between the Ages. This is the God of man. Without this God, Man would have been lonely indeed on Earth, because he would have never found out that God lives in Man, that form of love and purity giver of hopes and strength. Through God, man made his first step to come closer to himself by confronting the darkness of the Ages of the beginning of Mankind. By this first step for the self-refinding of the Man another rediscovery was created of a System of Values, where God held the leading position. By its nature he creates his leaders, even though his soul doesnt have them, he has to related them to something. He will aspire towards the top of the social Pyramid. It cannot be said exactly when Man made his first step towards himself, because that date is lost in the dawn of history. Even the acceptance of only one God, be it animal or plant, be it man or only spirit, it is still called the first step of God. At the same time with the evolution, it was normal that polytheism leaves room for monotheism as being one more step of Man, o way of friendship with himself. I am sure that Man first BELIEVED in something, because he was AFRAID of something and only then he structured as communities of tribes, tribes and other social forms until sclavagism and of course the current moment which we live in. As such, the main factor which lead to the evolution of the human society was FEAR! This pushed Man admit the estranging of oneself, the pain, the huge distance from himself which made him feel particularly alone and more than this, an accomplice, both to the estranging of oneself and loneliness, pain, giving him wings to the institutionalizing of the Original Sin. By fear, Man NEEDED a God. Thus he structured his thinking as well in a pyramid format, creating a leader. On this format, profound fear foundation, Man understood the necessity of a leader in the everyday life, as well, namely the forming of a community of tribes, of a tribe, of a tribal society so that later appear as states.

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Religion appeared even though in the beginning at the level of the tribal societies which believed in various images which represented God as if he were gods or in the more incipient phase, sacred tree or sacred animal and why not stone or mountain or anything lese which could be made sacred by the human conscience. Why want or we dont want to accept, the reality is that by sacred tree or mountain or animal, Man made his first step towards God. Fear is the one who gave birth to the sacred, while pleasure gave birth to the lay. This is a great paradox of life. If you left two people who are not speaking the same language and never heard about God and neither did they heart about civilization, on a planet on which there is no man and there never was, they will procreate, they will create a God of their own as time goes by, a social structure. They will create throughout time a history, their own civilization, multiplying themselves. This is mans Destiny, God and Civilization. Both God and the Civilization are interdependent. None of them could be correlated in the conscience of man without the other no matter what we had to say, we must admit that God is the way towards Civilization and Civilization is the way to God. This is human nature, the nature of the Pyramid of the soul and our society as a whole. Despite all these, how said it is to think that both at the base of the Civilization and of God there is FEAR, that which in the countless generations throughout history of mankind gave to the sacred. Everything that is sacred comes from fear. Mans nature needs fear more than the fish needs water, because only he can bring him closer to God and to himself. Without fear there would be no cars, no trains, cosmic ships or engineers, medicine, in brief our entire civilization. We were born in order to feed on the suffering of which to be afraid. We were born in order to praise the sacred and hate the lay, why? Why all these, Irene? Some theologians maintain that God gave us suffering in order to shape us, as a sculpture which slowly slowly acquires contour from the impersonal block of stone. I dont agree with this explanation, Irene, and I will tell you why. First of all, God has unimaginable powers. Why did we have to have access to the sacred, to civilization and to Him, through the fear of suffering? Why cant we achieve all these through joy, happiness, fulfillment? Is he a cynical God? You will maintain that this is the Nature of Man and I will answer you why Man could not beneficiate from another Nature. I know, dear Irene, that you will tell me:"It is OK, but the Nature of Man is and thanks to the Original Sin." I will answer you: "The Original Sin is given by the COMPLICITY of Man to pain, estranging of himself, complicity which is not given either by the desire of man to suffer and to be estranged or to his wish to create at that time a sacrifice, but all this complicity is Gods masterpiece, because only by this complicity we can know him and feel need." What we can never know and never find out is not necessarily why does this complicity exist and neither why it was created but why God made us accomplices to our own self-estrangement and not to our great rediscovery of our selves where we become the accomplices only through God. The more we come closer to him, the more we come closer to ourselves. Another question which again will never find the true answer is: Why through fear, suffering and pain, why not through joy, fulfillment, happiness? Why is the Nature of

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Man so sad? Couldnt it be happier? As far as it can be seen, dear Irene, the sign of the Pyramid is a sign of sadness, of the feeling of fear. All throughout his entire life man will seek, just like his pyramidal sign, to gain access to the top of this geometry both of the soul and of the society. For this he will beneficiate through his own spiritual structure from a representation of an axis of values such as richness, power or others. This axis of pyramidal values will be the one attracting Man towards the top. Despite all these, the axis under discussion is nothing else but the representation of his own soul at social level during that particular historical period. These values are also the ones giving man a meaning in life, namely, to desire to reach certain steps, as close to the top of the pyramid. If the attaining of this purpose would be done through happiness, joy, without any sacrifice, it means that all would attain it, the social structure would not be pyramidal, the top would not exist, no point of reference, life would lose its meaning. We are by our human nature condemned to suffer. Once a meaning did not exist, the scale of values would disappear, too, therefore the society would disappear. The question without answer is not why are we suffering in order to reach a certain step of the pyramid, by sacrifice, and why did God LEAVE us as meaning the pyramidal axiological system which has at its base the sacrifice and not another axiological system? No matter how much we people tried to change our pyramidal axiological system with another one, we will never achieve it, because this sign is somewhere deeply encrypted on our souls, in our genetic codes, in us and we will never be able to change it. The pyramidal axiological system will die only with the death of mankind. Today it had been raining cats and dogs the whole day in San Antonio. At noon I ran to the great tower of the monastery and I pulled the old bell. It is said that when the weather is bad, if you pull the bells, because of the noise propagated through the air, the clouds would go away. I dont know why, Irene, but I like to pull the old bell, to hear its massive and sober brass sound, the moments which at their time gave birth to so much human nature in our maternities were the walls full of sweat hear for the first time a baby cry, then the cry of the new born baby when he is introduced to life. Well, the last cries which the Destiny of a person is making are the cries of the bells when the tomb diggers are throwing soil over the freshly painted coffin. I admit, Irene, I came to the monastery because here between the cold and thick walls there is the mysterious side, the impenetrable side of my soul, side which I hoped and still hope to discover here one day. As long as you hope, you feel you are alive. It is different. I got used to assimilate to hope our own life in the absence of the certitude of he carried out thing. Its not like you believed that I came to the monastery because of the fear of hell and why not, of heaven? The Nature of Man is built in such a way that regardless how good it would be, when it is offered you in large quantity and always in the same way, it becomes unbearable. I think the same is with heaven, too. Once you reached heaven, after a long period, it would become hell, lets not talk about eternity. Then? We would pray to God to give our souls at least a bit of hell, because we are full of heaven! Despite all these, I dont think in such stupidities as heaven and hell. I didnt become a nun for this. The heaven and the hell are in us. And no matter how strange it would seem to you, I dont even believe in a good or bad God, in a God who helps us on the battlefield,

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killing the adversary or a God who gives orders on the Mount Sinai. I dont think at all in all these. He left a faith of making people better, more clean and not in the last more friends with themselves. Every Destiny of a person same as the Destiny of any prophet who has a mission on earth, a purpose, regardless how great or small is the importance of this mission, of this purpose in respect to the others. I dont believe and I never believed in the idea that God wanted us to be happy here on Earth. We are Gods unique children, each one of us in our own way we are uniquely left by God. Even though one day they will make clones, these clones will be according to the uniqueness left by God which does not prevent me absolutely at all to assert that cloning is against the laws of nature, against God. Destiny believed that Jesus Christ is the only son of God because the mission of his Destiny on this Earth was a capital one. One day I talked with him about this topic and do you know what he told me?"The existence of Jesus Christ helps me, makes me not feel so estranged, alone and empty before God. Through Jesus Christ, God becomes more human, more close to us, mortal who are seeking him always in life hoping to find him after death. Even though I know that we are Gods sons, too, even though I know we, too, have a mission to carry out throughout our lives. Life without Jesus Christ would be a life for estranged from itself. I NEEDED Jesus Christ and I remembered that paragraph in the Bible in which God says that he gave his unique son to die for us! Do you think that in those moments I didnt know that God gave us to die, as well? I knew it, Irene, but I was accepting that paragraph in the Bible because at that time I needed it, life was different with Him than without him. Our entire life, regardless of our age we are children who, with searching eyes, need stories because otherwise we estrange ourselves all the more. As long as we will believe in stories we will be anesthetized in a smaller or bigger extent by the trials of life. We have an atavist need to believe in everything that seems unreal to us, in the supernatural, because only by outdoing ourselves, dreaming, we could evolve on the scale of civilization. What could bring us closer to God, which would give us especially importance, by sending his only son to die for us so that our sins be washed? The human condition, Sorin told me, needs the Original Sin, it is found in that sin, just as a glove on the fingers of the hand. This sin presses hard on the shoulders of the Human Condition and that is why a savior had to be found. What exactly could be better than Gods son? All these things, told me one day. Therefore, Irene, we need faith exactly in order to defeat our fear. It is good to believe that we are stronger, that the supernatural forces are helping us, are watching over us. Everything becomes a sort of transportation of our soul, which once substituted to our soul makes us stronger, better and why not, more understanding. I believe I God, Irene, but in a God of worlds, found over Ages and Spaces, over Universes and infinites, in the Great Creator of the Entire Universe who thought the being and the worlds. The rest is for me folklore, but a folklore necessary to the Human Condition. What would we do without the saints? Without those examples to follow? Since man discovered God in his way, he had to give him a human face both in proper and in figurative, so that the"hierarchy" of the skies with saints, angels and bishops and many others was thus born. He created heaven and hell, determining a way to follow in life which

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fed the FEAR, by hell, but once he respected diligently the way to follow he would immediately receive heaven as reward. The way not being anything else but a code of moral, in brief of the manner of behavior of the person in society, having set various orders or laws which are permitted or forbidden to the believer. Since there is no Man in the world who never felt fear, it was understood that everyone would choose heaven and not hell, that everyone would follow the Way encrypted on the tables of orders coming from God. And all these, dear Irene, you know why? For the simple reason that this is what we are: People! We like to believe everything that we consider to give meaning to life, even luck. The Lady Superior wakes up every morning at three oclock and until four oclock she sits on her knees and ardently prays to the Virgin Mary so that she would listen to her prayer and hive her luck in life. Another mother prays Ave Maria daily for a hundred times in order to be happy. One day I asked her what exactly determines her to pray so many times and do you know what she said? "Certainly the Virgin Mary likes me to praise her so many times per day by my prayers, the mother said." "What exactly are you asking for in these prayers?" "What exactly, Mother Sara? What exactly? !" I dont ask her for anything. I am happy that in this way I can make a gift to the Virgin Mary. "A gift?" I replied. "Yes, Mother Sara, a gift. My parents died, I dont have children, I dont have relatives and I feel the need to give gifts to somebody." "Well, why dont you give real gifts to some poor children? I asked her a bit fearful not to be misunderstood in the sense that I asked her not to pray to the Virgin Mary, but at the same time give gifts to poor children." "In some way you are right, Mother Sara, I should give gifts to some poor children", just that I feel Virgin Mary closer to my soul. I can communicate with her. She is very happy with the gifts which I give her by my prayers, joy which my soul feels. I feel Virgin Mary as if it were my Family. "And Jesus Christ", I intervene? "Jesus Christ, too, but not like Virgin Mary", the mother answered."Why?" I asked her again. "Why? !" the mother told me, asking me with a look in her eyes which wanted to lose herself in my eyes: I feel Virgin Mary close to me since childhood" "How nice", I interrupted he unwillingly. "Thank you, Mother Sara, that you consider this aspect nice, nut all I want to tell you is that I am lesbian, that is why I am more closer to Virgin Mary. And I am still a virgin, the mother said". Then I only realized why she is praying a hundred times per day so ardently to Virgin Mary, why does she want to make this gift only to somebody in her Family. For this mother, Virgin Mary held the place of life partner, she became a substitute of that which she needed and didnt have, she became the lesbian Mother Mary which the mother wanted with all her heart. Only in this case I understood what a great importance the dreams have for us, how they can become reality. This mother was the first lesbian who approached me in my life. Even though I felt her warm and strange look from a woman to another woman, in the beginning I told myself this is just a simple imagination of mine, but then when her look became all the more perceiving, when the energy which she

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was radiating was that of a lover and not that of a mother who is talking with another one, I started suspecting something. When she admitted she was a lesbian, normally that I didnt have any doubt. How strange is this life and sometimes it is strange, dear Irene, to be a nun in a monastery, a place of sacrifice, of holiness, and you masturbate with one of these symbols of the sacred, of the holiness and namely the Virgin Mary, because you are a miserable lesbian who in her civil life didnt succeed in finding the women which she wanted or even more than this, you didnt achieve in finding your Virgin, pure which you wanted to love, to make love to her kissing her. Can this be more disgusting, more ugly, more obscene than this frame in which a mother thinks of Virgin Mary as the Virgin whom she wanted to possess because she was a miserable damned lesbian? More than this, she was possessing her in her dreams, masturbating! I dont know why, Irene, but sometimes I feel like calling God and telling him to purge the dirt out from our existence, to take from the Illusion of our life these aspects which are smelling worse than garbage. On the other hand, I am invaded by another thought which tells me that we need garbage, as well ad of cleanness and heaven and hell, good and evil, but still this lesbian mother didnt go too far? In fact,"too far" and"too close" exist or are they nothing else but simple reference points in the colored scenery of the Illusion of Life? Can I as a human being assert that this mother went"too far" when in reality I dont know"far" and"close" as long as I dont know the Basic Truth? Well, but there are certain reference points of morals, some say. Reference points set by God or by us, people? By the will of God, they will try to persuade me! Then by the will of God is this lesbian mother also left regardless whether we like what she does or not. In order to be controlled again, certainly they will tell me that it is not the will of God, but that of Devil, because everything evil that happens in this world is only the will of the Devil. Then, I will answer them: Who is stronger? God or the Devil? "God, everyone will say." "Then why doesnt he remove the Devil?" "He will finally remove him." "Why finally and not now, since always, because God does not exist depending on times and spaces, God steps on the Ages just as we stepped on the grass and then? The Real God fight with a poor Devil which controls our world? No way! The Devil doesnt exist. Both in the evil as well as in the good in everything that exists, both the worlds and the laws in the Illusion of our Life is owed only to God. The Great Creator of the Universe in the thought of which the being took birth. Therefore the Devils idea and the folklore on this symbol of evil are nothing else but stories. The biggest mistake of man when he started to discover God was that man attributed God the good and the Devil the evil. From here eternal fight, which in fact is between bad and evil. The human soul needs a fight, because life is a struggle, it needs a winner, a hero which must be of course: the hood, this being the sign towards which the Illusion of our Life tends to go. Man could not accept the evil as belonging to God because he could not attribute to him in any case, the rank of hero, benefactor, fighting with the forces of evil, with the FEAR. That is why there was so much need of God, namely good as well as evil, namely the Devil. If God received in himself both the good and the evil, then Man could not accept him as ALLY which FIGHTS against evil, against FEARS. I think

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mankind already reached a level of civilization as to accept the truth and namely that the Real God represents both good and evil, that one cannot exist without the other, neither evil without good, nor the good without evil, so in reality the Devil doesnt exist. Another great paradox of the Human Condition is that man didnt need to create only God, but to the same extent to create the Devil. God without the Devil doesnt have a meaning in the Nature of Man, because the Devil namely the evil must be that where man comes from and God, namely the good, is where Man is heading, finally coming to the comfortable arms of the good, if he meets certain conditions, conditions with a moral substrate which that particular society considers as necessary for the behavior of the ones making it up, transforming them in religion, to the rank of religion, to such an extent that the respecting of the conditions lead only to a well living and communication of the individuals, but more than this, transformed at the rank of religion in order to lead indubitably to a better place in the afterlife, to a paradise more or less comfortable depending on the religion. I know, Irene, as well the fact that we need symbols, as much need of God as of the Devil. The big mistake of the man was that he attributed to God the existence of a symbol, of the good. No matter how much need we have of symbols, God is not a symbol. He has nothing of us, people, and therefore we cannot attribute to him any symbol of ours, symbol born of the Illusion of our Life which we are living. Despite all these things, we owe to him this Illusion which made us People know that we exist. I think this is the most important thing of our lives and namely the fact that we know we exist, even though we built an entire arsenal of ideas, illusory about the existence which surrounds us, attributing to the entire Universe, the spaces and the times as well as the existence, the dimensions and the physical laws both at microcosmic level as well as macrocosmic, as untrue as Gods existence as symbol of good only is untrue. We are part of the Thought of the Great Creator and thats it. This is the only link which really connects us with God and nothing else. The rest is only cheap folklore and stories. As long as we dont know the Basic Truth and not even a part of it, regardless that we used science as weapon against nonknowledge, we come to the conclusion that the laws of science are always changing with every new stage of the temporality which society develops to, which was valid fifty years ago now it is false, fact which is perpetuated which indicates the fact that the Illusion of our Life is not even weakened, encrypted in some pattern, but on the contrary it is in continuous transformation depending on time, on the historical becoming of the moment which results from the fact that in a Universe in which the times and spaces are endless, therefore inexistent, our world with the Illusion of Life which accepts the existence only through the prism of temporality, it will never accept the existence of the Basic Truth, because the Basic Truth through the prism of the temporality doesnt exist in a infinite Universe, without beginning and without end, where that which exists IS the Thought of the Great Creator. The time and space become inexistent on the infinite level, because here the measure loses any delimitation, accepting the existence without beginning and without end, therefore infinite. Therefore any temporality and spatiality represent in the Illusion of our Life a certain delimitation. Time is divided in

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years, days, minutes, seconds and space is delimited as content, surface in a certain structure. An nevertheless, Irene, I dont think I could find myself better anywhere else than in this monastery. Only here I can really understand the call of the bell which I pull letting my body hang from the thick rope which the Lady Superior wanted so many times to implement an electro-mechanical mechanism which to pull the bell and hang the rope, but there always was a nun who opposed it vehemently, so that other mothers just like me wanted rope for the bell and in now way some mechanism far away from our soul. Through the rope you feel the torment and the vibration of the bell when you pull it completely different than if it were actuated by a mechanism. You feel it tormented in his severe fight with time giving birth to sounds of brass, sparks of seconds which are lifted towards the deceiving heights of God, with wings, towards the infinite, leaving only the vibration to excel through the rope in our deceiving times of souls who are searching always for God in themselves until the time when the bell will ring ceremonially for these souls, leading them to their eternal place, where the Illusion of Life will be wiped off leaving behind only the beat of the ring and the searching for only one real thing in our life: the search for God. I often think of you, Irene, as I as often think of Sorin. I wouldnt want to tell you that I keep him here in the monastery in my soul, because maybe I would offend you, because you told me that you feel his soul next to you. It is good that you think so and that you are sure of the existence of his soul who is coming to visit you from the afterlife. I know that you are struggling with your loneliness, that you would like someone to be really beside you, that you dont want to live in the past. I know all these and I understand you just as well as I understand myself. In a way we are alike, even though we are so very different. What if you tried to be closer to Mark and Chelsea? Why dont you want to take courage from this standpoint? What exactly tells you to stay so far from your son and daughter in law? Didnt you say in this letter which you sent me that we are nothing else but some travelers over the Ocean of the Mirage of Life? Wouldnt you want to hold in your hands the rudder of the ship on which you are navigating for a life, even though now you are navigating aimlessly and the waves of your Destiny are so strong that they are about to overturn your ship? Never, nothing, it is not too late. We both know that time is nothing else but an Illusion of Life. Then? What are you waiting for? You asked me if I think that this monastery is my ship on the Ocean of the Mirage of Life. I am answering you affirmatively. I think the monastery is my ship on this ocean, because only on this ocean surrounded by old walls full of humid moss, I feel I find myself again. I dont think it were better had we taken birth as only the inhabitants of a harbor and not sailors on this ocean, because we always need a purpose in life towards which to tend. Once we reached the harbor of our dreams, we will never search for tit again, we will not have any purpose in life anymore, canceling our life in itself through death. Regardless how you took it, Irene, exactly for this purpose which we want to reach there is beauty as well as ugliness in life and we were born in order to live if we live in order to die! I am waiting for news from you! May God bless you! Christine New York, Brooklyn

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The 25th of April Dear Christine I love the raw green of the spring, even since childhood, even though I didnt understand this season, ever, maybe you understand it. Do you know why it seemed to me that spring is an eternal enigma? Because it is a season of the rebirth and everything the is reborn becomes enigmatic because it possess an atavist past, a past full of mystery which always makes you wonder why, it the past of course comes back to the future with new forces and buds on the branches yet haunted by winter in their souls? Have you never imagined that you could be a branch, hit by the rains of the summer, bitten until its meadow by the frost of the winter in order to come back to life from your own past? And all these for what? In order to gibe strength and vigor to the trees out of which you take the sap, because the stoned alleys of the Destiny of the society in which you live must be stained every spring with the raw green of your buds which are bringing the past back to life in a dusted city through which lead words are still frozen by the frost of winter which had just passed and left in the snow of the memories not yet melted deep traces as the words of lead, heavy in a heart which is struggling to beat the exact hour of the hopes which will soon fly away with their wings broken, towards a new spring of a new year which will become in a short while a snow flake which in the snow of memories will melt at the same time with the summer of our future, recently become past, in a forgetfulness of end of the world. I dont know, dear Christine, why I feel like saying all these. I tried to open a gate towards Chelsea and what do you think came next? Nothing. Suddenly a frosty wind came from nowhere and slammed tight the door in my face. This frosty wind started exactly because Chelsea doesnt like somebody from the outside to intervene in her marriage. At the time when I was categorized as from the outside, I withdrew as calmly as possible from their lives. Otherwise, I never would have wanted to intervene in the intimate life of a person and especially of a couple. When I tried to come closer to her in as much as possible, she cast me away. Now I really feel alone, Christine. For as long as I knew that I would not be cast away, that anytime, there, somewhere I will have a little gate to cast away my loneliness, I felt acceptably comfortable, even though I never tried to go through that gate so far. Now yes, I realize that I never had it in reality, it was a simple illusion and thats it in this general Illusion of life. Today I went to the nearby supermarket. A guy tried to approach me. Even though I didnt pay any attention to him, I liked it in secret. This means that I am not so"expired" yet. Ever since Jim, I dont want at all to accept anyone intimately in my life. I cured of it. You know that I have moments, sometimes, when I prefer the loneliness because only in loneliness I have the freedom to dream as much as I want, to be by Sorins side. I know that what I just may seem stupid to you, but it is sure and as true as it can be that the Freedom of loneliness becomes one day not only a habit, but also a real drug which, the more you inhale in an increased quantity, the more you miss it, ending up feeling like inhaling it. In New York, these days the trees have blossomed. It is a wonder to see them. Today after I came from shopping, I stayed in the garden behind the house and I didnt do anything but watch the blossomed trees. It is strange

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that I wasnt thinking about anything during those moments. I was watching the flowers and I has the feeling that these flowers are the only existence in an infinite ocean of nihility. Therefore they entered my heart with their smell of flowers of a passing spring. Then after a few hours of sitting on the bench in the garden, I started to cry suddenly. I was crying continuously without knowing why, like a sort of psychical release, I was crying and watching the flowers of the trees and I wasnt even wondering why I am crying and no thought, like a cloud which is guiding the sky, passed through my head. I was watching the flowers of the tress and I was crying. I dont know for how long I cried, but all I can tell you is that after that psychical release I felt like becoming young again, that I take birth again. It was a feeling of euphoria associated with the happiness of living. Now I am happy. It is spring in my soul which I wish you, too. Receive from New York not only the spring, but also the flowers of the trees in my garden. Irene San Antonio, Texas 7th of May Dear Irene Thank you for the letter and especially for the spring and the flowers of the trees which you sent me all the way from New York. Here the choking heat started again prodding you to choose the shade. This is one of the great inconvenients for me. I always ran away from the shade, even from my earliest childhood. I was afraid that I would see my shadow chasing me. Then I would start running. Despite all these, the shadow would run as well by my side and when trembling with fear I would reach home, where the shadow disappeared. In the end I would run to my grandfather and explain to him how evil is the shadow and how it chases me, certainly it wanted to harm me. My grandfather would take me in his arms and was starting with me around the courtyard. He would place me in a shiny spot after which he would hit my shadow with a rod saying: Why are you scaring the little girl? See, Christine, the shadow is afraid not to be beaten with the rod and that is why it will not scare you again? It is normal that the shadow come after you. "It is true, grandfather", I would answer him, you are not scared because you are big and you cam beat it. Your shadow is afraid of you, while my shadow is not afraid of me." "Any body which stays in the light has his own shadow", says grandfather. "It has, grandfather, but mine is evil and it scares me." The more scared you are of your own shadow, the more it will follow you and it will obsess you", says grandfather. "Obsess? What does obsess mean, grandfather?" "Something which enters that small head of yours and then doesnt want to go away. Thus at a certain very early age I learnt what dies obsession mean. Ever since I know myself a shadow of life followed me, shadow which obsessed me and as grandfather was saying, didnt want to go away from my head. Do you want to know what is that shadow? That shadow who followed me ever since childhood? I used to dream often that I was making love to a man whose face I couldnt see and then I saw it and we were kissing each other passionately. Know, Irene, that I was dreaming of making love to that man long before ever making love. I was dreaming that a great love is started between us, that we loved each other crazily and that finally that man is my

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father. I never met my father. He wasnt married to my mother. He lived with her a few times then he moved in another state and lost his trace. He never came to know that he has a daughter. And still that dream obsessed me all my life, I would have liked to meet him in the flesh. My mother died when I was two years old. My grandfather didnt even know who he was nor where does he live. My mother preferred to carry this thing to her tomb, she never told my grandfather anything regarding my father. A year ago I got a letter with a photo of my father young. He was a priest and he died ten years ago. The picture was sent to me by my step sister who searched for me years after years. I cannot wait to read your next letter. Christine P.S. I sprayed the letter with a few drops of holy water brought all the way from Jerusalem, from the Holy Tomb, to bring you lock. The Same Christine New York, Brooklyn 22nd of May Dear Christine I thank you for the letter, too. I was very impressed to the point of tears by the story with the shadow which obsesses you, haunts you. I know that your deep desire is to have known your father. I am sure you suffered your entire life because of this and it wasnt easy for you. The flowers of the trees have fallen leaving the leaves to do what they want. I wish you with all my heart to find a rod and beat the shadow, so that it never obsesses you again. I am waiting for your answer, write to me more because I like to read the correspondence from you. Otherwise in my mail box there is a lot of correspondence, I receive a lot of envelopes with all sorts of taxes which have to be paid urgently. Thank God I pay my bill on the internet. Love Irene San Antonio, Texas 20th of June Dear Irene Yesterday Mother Veronica came to my room. She was as white as snow. She asked me for a glass of water. I brought it to her immediately. She first poured a few drops in her palm which she took to her fronthead, she drank the rest of the content. I didnt know what had happened, because Mother Veronica is my only friend between these blessed walls. And she even from her childhood had a hard life as she had to sell her body as prostitute since she was twelve. From this age she was a prostitute until a year ago, when she joined the monastery. Mother Veronica is thirty. She became a nun exactly when she was about to becam a matron. The last matron had died a week ago. When I asked her what exactly determined her to become a nun, she told me as sincerely as possible: - Prostitute? I accepted, but matron was already too much for me. All my life I had to, but now I could not see myself holding the position of a boss. From that time on, Mother Veronica became my friend. What I liked in her was the absolute sincerety, even infantile which she displayed ostentatiously. One day when she told me how those in the brothel many years ago wanted to improve themselves. They wanted that from a dirty place whwre all the loosers and drug adictes were coming to release themselves be transformed in a luxury brothel. In a luxury brothel they had to have styled prostitutes. The oldest ones, for whom the change became impossible, were fired, and the younger ones were sent to learn French as well

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as good behavior. Mother Veronica told me that after the first classes of French, almost all"selected" prostitutes ran away, finding work in brothels of inferior categories, but she continued and became friends with her French teacher. She was a wonderful gril, Mother Veronica was saying, she gave me high grades, that I started to love French. In the beginning I knew that I was getting them thanks to small attentions which, for the loneliness of a teacher meant a lot. "What kind of attention?" I asked Mother Veronica. "Some small things, Mother Sara. From time to time I gave her mobile phone number to some client of mine, without telling him who she actually was. In a short while, he was possessing her for fre and she was rather spoiling our price, but the bosses never came to know about this." "What would have happened if they came to know?" "They would have certainly killed me." "I understand, Mother Veronica." "After three, four years I came to know about the death of the French teacher in a very strange way." "How?" I asked Mother Veronica. "As I just told you, after three, four years I dreamt about the French teacher one night. She was dressed in a fir with the buttons undone. She was naked under the fir, just as her mother had given birth to her. I dreamt that she came to me and tried to kiss me. I am telling her that I do it in all positions with the men, but I am not lesbian. For this I have a"colleague" who is a specialist in this field. While I was explaining to her"how good is my colleague for this", I suddenly notice how her face was dark, all the darker, more decayed. She was decaying alive in my dream. After a few days I was free and I thought of paying her a visit. Said and done. I put on some sober clothes and presented myself to the school, where shock! The teacher had died more than two years ago! I could not believe it! I knew that I had cut my relations with her since I finished the classes. Almost three or four years before. The classes lasted for three months. Automatically I remembered my dream which I had a night before. The news hit me like a lightning, because the teacher was the only human being around me who understood me differently than my"colleagues". I returned to the brothel with a broken heart. I knew that on one of the pages of the French course I had written her phone number. I wanted to see whether she had any relative who lives on that address or whether her mother was alive or not. She had told me even since that time a few years back that she was living together with her mother, an old and helpless woman who had her when she was almost fifty. I dont know why, but my purpose was to obtain a picture of the teacher, a picture which I would insert among the pages of my French book and any time I was sad or desperate or upset I would admire the photo of the only soul on earth who understood me differently than all people around me. She was always telling me that I was a smart and profound girl, that my place was not in a brothel. I was answering her that I had no choice, that I had no one and then more that that, I didnt know how to do anything else. She was encouraging me every day that one day my Destiny would also change and everything that upset me before would be forgotten. I was answering her that one day we both will find a nice, rich guy who would love us. She also liked a lot when I was telling her about the nice guy. Why not admit it, we both were dreaming with out eyes open. In the end, back to the brothel, I searched for her phone number. As

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soon as I found it, the matron came to me and told me I had a client. I knew that if I refused her, I could be beaten, so I did my job and after that I called the teachers mother. A cold thought passed through my mind, what if the teachers mother had died? Suddenly I heard the phone ringing in my ears. At the other end of the line the voice of an old woman said: Hello! I dont know why, but on that moment I felt a wave of emotion associated with a kind of primordial joy, older than the world which was flooding my heart. I didn;t know how to begin. I hesitated for a few seconds, while the voice came back again: Hello!" Then I said: "I am a friend of the French teacher." "My daughter died more than two years back", the voice said. "She dies?" I told her as if I didnt already know. "Yes, she died", her mother said with a visible wave of pain in her voice. "Can you tell me why?" I asked "Breast cancer." "It is a severe disease", I replied, without being able to add more. "It is severe", her mother answered. "I would like something, if possible." "What do you want?" the old lady asked "A photo of the French teacher, if you have one." "I have enough photos in her album, just that after she died many of her students came and asked for a photo. And I am very sorry that they made her album INCOMPLETE." "I understand, I told her, after which without realizing, I hung up the phone in the sharp and hysterical shouts of the matron who was repeating that she had been shouting at me for a long time, because a client was waiting for me. I felt like crying, but I tried to control myself in as much as possible. What was even more painful was the fact that a mother could not accept in any way the death of her daughter because of the fact that she did not accept the idea that her photo album become incomplete. She could not accept the idea that her daughter would never need that album and nothing else, since she had no more children. The mother was in pain that her daughters album was becoming incomplete. The client was savagely possessing me and I felt like crying thinking about a mother who could not accept her daughters death even though it had occurred at least two years before. An old and helpless mother. I could hardly control myself not to burst out in tears. Suddenly I was invaded with a thought that I would have liked to have a mother to cry for me, to have someone miss me. Suddenly I could no longer control myself and started crying. Seeing my tears, the client who was possessing me said: - I am that good, am I not? I conformed myself, giving him the impression that I cry of pleasure. What else could I do, Mother Sara? If they found out that I am crying out of pain, the matron would have beated me until I passed out. In this profession you are not allowed to cry, but only to display joy. It means that the Destiny of a prostitute was one of the"happiest" in history once she needed to cry only out of joy and thats it. Too much joy would have lead to the real reflection of the human suffering. All these Mother Veronica told me with an indifferent tone in her voice, that she started crying. The tears were flowing down her still young chicks. They were tears which could flow at will without the need of lying. I think nothing is more painful in this world than when the tears have to lie regardless whether they are tears of joy or of sadness, they

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must be acknowledged as such, they must be given the right of their own legitimacy, thus we will discover the astronomical distance which separates us from ourselves. Give the tears the right to be tears and to the cry that of being cried, regardless of the pain, of the dismay, of the great suffering or otherwise, if they are caused by a great joy or happiness. The biggest mistake which we could make on this Earth is to lie to ourselves, estranging us more from our own person, when we will attribute happiness to the tears of suffering and pain, dismay, to the tears of joy. This is according to my opinion the apple from which Eve took a bite in the garden of the heaven, the moment when we mistook the type of the tears. If this moment in which the type of tears was mistaken did not exist, the mankind would have been totally different in respect to the one we now know, no wars would have taken place, no crimes or tortures or many other things. It doesnt matter in my opinion who took the bite from the apple, Eve or Adam, what I can assert certainly is that both of them were together at that time and both of them were sharing in that moment, crucial for the Destiny of mankind, because at that time the Way was decided and the dice of fate fell with their faces towards suffering and sadness of life under this sun. The Way was the snake which at that time because of the Illusion of life which recognizes the moment and the beginning as well as the end biting the man and poisoning him with that primary, lowest and inhumane of his instincts, snake poison which imprinted throughout time strongly and deeply in the genetic code of the human body, until his soul code more deeper and more profound in history than the genetic one and namely the INSTINCT OF POSSESSION. From that time on, man left the harden of the heaven with the apple which was mistaking the type of tears, but he was happy, miserable happiness, that he became master at least of the apple just as God, without realizing that he, the famous man, was not God, that he was the feeble man living an Illusion of his own life so passing that he would never Possess anything for true. Everything is vanity under this warm and hospitable sun. Maybe night didnt fall that day that Adam and Eve finished eating the apple. Maybe night didnt fall that day that they both were hungry. They were no longer in Heaven at that time, but they were on Earth, dying of hunger and pain as any human. Then, when the apple was no longer there because it had been eaten, they cried for the first time under the sun:"-We want the real tears back, we will never mistake the type of the tears ever, now God we want to give you your apple back!" At that time nobody heard them. Even God had removed his face from them, hitting them with their own Way of suffering and this curled around the times choking them always with the Instinct of Possession, that Eve tried to possess Adam. Then their first argument was born, moment in which they became aware of themselves; moment in which each one thought that they wanted more than there is under the sun, moment when they became slaves of the Illusion of Life. Of course, dear Irene, I dont believe in the stories such as Adam and Eve one, but from the standpoint of the symbols, yes! After all, in this couple there reside both the symbol of malehood through Adam as well as that of womanhood through Eve. Even though these two symbols coexist in a couple, they are contrary and their own coexistence gives birth to the fight for supremacy, fed by the Instinct of Possession and namely the one which brought man down from heaven in order to make him aware of

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himself and why not, of the existence of the hell in which he is. As long as man was in Heaven, he was not aware of himself, he didnt have the possibility of discerning between good and evil, because in heaven all was good and if they became aware of the good, certainly the evil would have become for them immediately the worst hell. Therefore, the first step of man towards the inferno was when he acquired the selfawareness. From this time on, he longed for the apple in which the type of tears was mistaken, becoming possessing. From here the entire dark side of the human conscience started, from the simple verb to posses. This verb transformed man so much that it not only threw him from heaven to hell, but more than this imprinted on him its genetic structure as well as in that of his soul the quality of predator, getting born at the same time with history: HOMO PREDATOR. It is easy to understand why the human society acquires the aspect of a jungle where the beasts with the human self awareness are physically tearing one another apart in certain places as well as psychically in the majority of cases. The idea of reaching the top of the pyramid, otherwise the pyramid being the sign of man absorbs him so much that for a simple step climbed on the social hierarchy he is sometimes capable of selling himself, his won enemy which took him down from heaven is the basic Instinct of Possession. Therefore the lofty Homo Predator is in reality a simple merchandise on the dirty booth of the Illusion of Life. We must necessarily admit that even the Illusion of Life appeared in the aspirations and will, in the knowledge and love of man at the same time with the self-awareness. Then man KNEW for the first time that there is a moment which coincides with the"coming down" from heaven and with the apple which mistook the types of the tears. Even though man has the self awareness that he exists, it is an Illusion as big as the Illusion of Heaven. Even though man is spatially found on earth, as long as he knew he was in Heaven, he was living the Illusion of Heaven as through his self awareness, but becoming aware of KNOWING that coming down to earth exists by reversing the type of tears and becoming possessive. What is even more painful is that man KNOWS THAT HE EXISTS, he lives an Illusion same as that of Heaven, but different by its expression: the Illusion of Life. Certainly one time even the Illusion of Life will be transformed in another Illusion, just as the Illusion of Heaven was transformed once. What Illusion will that be? What kind of sense will be given men in order to KNOW that he IS? God is great and real. You never know whether those senses will have times and spaces. Certainly the Illusion of Heaven will not have times nor spaces, why? because the life in Heaven will never end, it is eternal, fact which to a greater or smaller extent fed the myth of the eternal youth, another form of Illusion of Heaven"forgotten" by God in the Illusion of Life or better said in the Illusion of the Hell in which we live. Even though we claim that we are aware of the world which surrounds us, we are not doing anything more than the crazy person by the side of the road who in the beginning of the third millennia believes he is one of the Emperors of Rome. What are we in REALITY and what is really the world which surrounds, whether it IS or not, only God and the Through of the Great Creator can know. Do you know by what are we different as society, as mankind in comparison to the crazy person who believes he is the Emperor of Rome? By the fact that in comparison with the crowd, mass, society, only HE believes

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that he is the Emperor of Rome while if we all believed that we are emperors of Rome and he would assert that he is a man of our days, we believed him as crazy. Certainly it is us, the crowd, who would be healthy. One day Mother Veronica asked me whether indeed I believe in the afterlife. I answered that not in the afterlife I believe but in the afterworld. She remained bewildered for a few seconds then she asked me whether the afterlife is not the afterworld. I denied it. I dont believe in the afterlife, because it does not exist, but the afterworld exists despite the fact that it does not belong to any of the existential forms. That"exists" is said more as a figure of speech than as reality. Why? Simple! By existence we understand an entity which gives being depending on a certain time and a certain space. We cannot conceive the existence without time and space even though we accept eternity, we represent it as having an interminable measure of time. Inside the eternity we see time only which flows infinitely what is false because in eternity no time flows infinitely but simply it doesnt exist because it has no point of reference of any beginning or end depending on which to flow. It is a great paradox of the Illusion of Life the fact that we are programmed to understand the world which surrounds us only depending on time and space and to these we attribute the measure depending on certain point of reference which always must belong to a beginning and an end, so that we could analyze the geometry of the form in the case of the space as well as the transformation in the case of time. We are programmed not to accept the transformation unless depending on time and space, depending on the points of reference of the beginning and the end. If these points of reference disappeared, since they dont exist in reality, then, to whom does the transformation belong? In no way to the space and time, but to the illusion. Therefore the Illusion of Life gives the existence the space and the time when the Illusion of Death or the After World certainly will give us the space and the time of the transformation and of course, the concept of existence which exists in this world, because the idea of spatiality and temporality disappears at the same time with the losing of the senses as well as of the program, namely the genetic code for the somatic side ad well as the self awareness for the psychological side, the programmed conscience even from birth to accept this world through the prism of the space-temporality. Well, in the After World this prism doesnt exist, we, from this World of the Inferno in which we are, we can attribute the EXISTENCE to the After World for the simple fact that it doesnt submit to our spatial-temporal laws. Thus we are subject to consider it a non-existential World. We cannot give even to the World of Heaven the attribute of existential World, because it is not subject to the same spatial-temporal laws. It is only known that in the World of Heaven there is not death, nor suffering, that everything is fine there. There is no death there, but only eternal life, there is no death. The one which is not born will never die, it does not belong to the temporality and implicitly to the spatiality, therefore it doesnt exist. The World of Heaven is an existential world for us. Just as there is no past, present and future, same we cannot talk about the World of Heaven where the souls of those form Earth condemned to the self

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awareness of the birth and death come from, those condemned to the spatial-temporality. From the World of Heaven we came to the World of the Inferno of here, in order to go to the After World. The only fact which comes close to the true reality is the we KNOW that in the After World only our soul goes, not the body, which is destroyed, the body has a full life which pushed us to a true religion of the form, of the conciseness by feelings, desires, aspirations, but especially through sexuality. In this Illusion of Life we have the certainty that the body is destroyed after death, it decays. Is this really true? Is it really true that we have this time? No! No! No! As long as we dont know the Basic Truth and not even a small part of it. As long as the World is illusory and we are born cursed in order to be born, and we die cursed in order to die in the ocean of lie of the spatial-temporality, do we really know who we are? Maybe the most true thing which can happen to us in life is that we can never see our soul, that our soul does not allow himself to be corseted by the spatial-temporality and it doesnt accept to receive any spatial form or any temporal birth or death. The soul of every man or animal and plant, in brief everything that has breath in this World of the Inferno which is the planet earth is older than the Ages. Therefore, We in reality dont have any body to decay nor trees which to bring shade under the thick leaves in the hot summers, no moon, no stars, no prostitutes, no churches, no geniuses. Then who are we in fact and what exactly belongs to us? Why do we exist in this World of the Inferno? Who sent us here? These are disturbing questions indeed in this World of the Inferno under the sign of the Pyramid. I know that it is very difficult to accept such a position, but this is the truth. I remember now those idiotic movies in which some degenerated priests were trying to prove the existence of God by various images with cascades, mountains, animals, images which were pleasing to the eyes indeed. Well, these priests strongly maintained not only the fact that God made all these beauties, but they also asserted the fact that God made them in order to prove to us MORTALS, in brief to those who were cursed to be born so that we die, therefore to prove his infinite goodness, and everything that we see and that surrounds us is nothing else but a truth of the existence of God. The Illusion which we have about the environment is a truth about the existence of God. Nothing more false. The illusion remains illusion even though it comes from God. Every world has a meaning of its own, just as every soul has a meaning of its own, but the real truth about this meaning is known only by the one who knows the Basic Truth: God. No matter how intelligent and how much knowledge we assimilated, we will never be able to understand the true meaning because it is not subject to anything and it cannot be explained by all the knowledge in the world. Just as the soul and more than this, this meaning steps on the Ages, which means that it is as unborn and as immortal as anything that steps on the Ages. It not only belongs to the spaces and times, but it belongs to a form of understanding of some World, be it without time and space or having other coordinates which we could never imagine, coordinates which to substitute the spatial-temporality in the conscience of those entities of that particular world. I understand that it is almost impossible to us to understand the existence of a conscience in the understanding of which the main standards of the

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measure I our world, caused by the spatial-temporality are missing. Still they exist. There is understanding even without these standards, why not, intelligence, which to be subject to other standards which we cannot even imagine since they are all external to our fence, to our capacities of understanding. I know that this acceptation is disturbing and despite all this, I can assert very clearly that there is no thinking without space and times, which is not exercised through their prism and is not used for a certain measure. If the space and time disappear, does the measure disappear, as well? It depends! There may be Worlds without spatial-temporality with measure and Worlds without spatial-temporality without measure. In the first ones the measure becomes correlated by other factors, different from the spatial-temporality, where the standards are totally different without space and time, realizing the measure, and worlds in which for thinking there isnt really necessary to have a certain standard, the measure not being necessary. Then what is the structural difference between these Worlds except the existence and non-existence of the measure. Despite the fact that these Worlds are also illusions just as our World, how can we accept a thinking without measure? The fact that the standard of spatial-temporality is replaced with other standards, it is understood, but in the other worlds where there is no standard, where the measure is completely absent, how can the process of thinking be produced? That creative activity of the conscience which reflects the illusory environment around us talking to is depending on a certain logical legitimacy? Logical programmed legitimacy in our secret codes older than time? Then? The entire legitimacy of our World is based on measure and on its standard, standard which of course depends on certain points of reference which in turn give the measure. How can a World exist without points of reference, without any standard and more than this it is reflected inside a conscience determining the process of thinking? It is possible! In these Worlds the dialogue of thinking is not carried our with the spatial exterior which doesnt exist and nor with the spatial interior which does not exist. No matter what we did, both the term of exterior as well as the interior one is reflected in the spatiality in the sense that the first term indicates"except something" and the second one"something". Then the"Process of thinking in the Worlds without standard and measure is carried out through the concept of the self-being of the own logos taken in itself as logic legitimacy. In this case no measure is necessary, no points of reference of the standard, because the thinking caves in its own values, values which probably once stepped on the Ages, when they wanted to exist for them. Within the worlds with measure and standard, even though these too have stepped on the Ages, even though they are not tributary to the space and time, the process of thinking is carried out by the concept if self being of the own logos taken in itself as logic legitimacy just that the logic legitimacy accept the measure and the standard as belonging to the illusory domains of space and time. Thus the Worlds are divided in two categories and namely Worlds with measure and Worlds without measure. As is well known that this World is a World with measure and it is tributary firstly to the time and space. The measures of other Worlds have nothing to do with the time and space, but with representations of their Illusion, totally different. I cannot assert clearly and precisely what are these representations of the Illusions which replace the

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space and time, because as I said before, we are programmed to think only depending on the aspects of space and time, more than this we are not allowed to know precisely, but we can make philosophy, the only gate open towards the Basic Truth which is trying to send a ray of hope through the bars of our world. The World of Heaven also was a world with measure, because in this World of Measure there were certain standards, just as happiness, beauty as well as other standards. Despite all these, it was not a spatial-temporal World, because, as we have just said in this World death did not exist, therefore birth did not exist either, everything was eternal, there was no time and therefore no space. Everything that exists must be born and die, including the space. When I talk about other Worlds, it is worth remarking once more the fact that I use words such as"exists","measure" or"standard" or"it doesnt exist in this world" this doesnt mean that that term EXISTS or the attributes of EXISTENCE, namely something which would be subject to the laws of measure and spatial-temporality standards. No, it has no connection with all these. In reality it cannot be about am existence in the sense of our laws about the existence, just that we didnt have a choice since the human language is subject to the legalities of the logic of this world in which we live, which makes it submit both to the times an to the spaces which govern it. Thus, the language has no choice but submit itself to these legalities. No matter how much we will try to explain the non-existence through the Language of this world, it will be almost impossible to us and if we will try, this will be able to be done by using the existence and especially the spatialtemporal one. I know that it is very difficult to understand that something doesnt exist, to express it by"there is a non-existence", that in this nonexistence there is not at least"something. We are programmed to understand that everything that exists depends on"SOMETHING". It is not at all true. All the other Worlds dont even have that SOMETHING, because they dont have spatial-temporality. The World of the Heaven is with measure from the standpoint of the beauty, happiness, pleasure standards and without measure from the standpoint of the spatial-temporality. The fact that it is a World of the standards, the World of Heaven taken in general is a World with measure. Another correlated aspect which takes us closer to the understanding of our World is the accepting of the infinite by the Illusion of Life, means of SOMETHING without end and without beginning. We people can use the element of infinite, of limitless, of not contained, even though we cannot touch it with our mind because we cannot contain it. The paradox Illusion of Heaven consists in the fact that this term and namely the infinite is not revealed by the spatial-temporality. When we pronounce the word infinite we are correlating it immediately with the spatialtemporality, meaning exactly to the bars through which the Illusion of our Life stops us from thinking the REALITY of the Universe. Also, because of the Illusion of Life, when we perceive with the eyes of our mind the Universe of our World, we realize that this in infinite. Therefore, the ray of sun crosses the bars which are holding is prisoners behind them, in order to reach the sun which sent us the ray and namely in order for us to understand the infinite. Our representation of the infinite is that SOMETHING which continues endlessly! Therefore in brief SOMETHING which comes from the endless and it continues endlessly, something without beginning and without end, without birth and without death, in brief without measure, without spaces and

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times: the Reality. In physical and mathematical terms, in a symbolic manner we can attribute to the spaces and times the symbol of infinity, but only in a symbolic manner, because an infinite space is an inexistent space and just the same an infinite time is an inexistent time. In order for these two to exist, namely the space and the time, they need a measure of their own and everything that has a measure must be defined at least by a point of reference if not by two, means, in this case the birth and the death. Depending on these points of reference, the spatial-temporality exists only through the measure. The Infinity has no measure. In a word, by looking deep into ourselves to the times and spaces of the Universes, without beginning and without end, we come to notice that they dont even exist in reality as they are infinite. Many will remind of the Big Bang theory? We will see that there always the BEFORE exists, means the infinity, without birth and death. If we really want to know the immensity of the bigness and smallness of the real Universe, we will have to start by knowing the Illusion of Heaven better, or to become US again, friends with OURSELVES and not strangers to OURSELVES, who are always enemies for a fist of existence of sadness, suffering and pain on the Way of Life, means on the Wings of our Destiny. What we know is that at the same time with death, the Illusion of Life will disappear, leaving behind a page of Destiny. At the same time with the death and disappearance of the Illusion of Life the immensity of the smallness and bigness of our Universe and the stars and the galaxies and supernovas which we see today, which exploded billions of years ago, which are transmitting to us images of billions of years ago, which by their light stepped on spaces and times will also disappear telling us to think closer about the Illusion of Life and not to take for granted and for true any morganatic image in the monotonous everyday life. Man will climb a new step of the reality when he will rediscover himself, when he will understand that the Illusion of Life is not only our enemy, but it can become a trusted ally, so that we tried this rediscovery with the instruments which this Illusion of Life holds, which of course are the space and the time. As we said before, no matter how much we wanted to understand the reality without space and time, in brief without that SOMETHING it is totally impossible. WE were programmed with certain senses. With a certain degree of intelligibility, with a certain manner of discerning the measure and namely always and without failure, only through the prism of the spatial-temporality. Exactly by the help of these instruments we will have to build an edifice based on which to understand or better said to try to come closer to the Basic Truth, understanding the Illusion of Life, understanding OURSELVES firstly. First of all we will have to lift our eyes to the sky, to the starry sky in a night of our existence where we will be able to look the history older than the Age of the earth, history which is written by the steps of those who stepped even on the Ages coming to our present, because the starry sky is also the history of our present because of the light which announces to us that the time of the rediscovery will start soon. Why of rediscovery? Did you discover ourselves before? Certainly yes! Before the Ages, before our soul was confined by space and time we were discovered, but by birth we were lost and we had to rediscover ourselves again. If we look deeper in our being, we will see that we are not at all the ones whom we pretend to be, that somewhere in those disturbed depths with

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questions about the origins of the being we will find out the infinite, regardless whether the big one or the small one, it is still infinite, slowly we will realize that our being with its degree if intelligibility with everything, it is nothing else but a simple point of reference to the ORIGINS OF THE BIG SMALL INFINITES. We will see that the big infinite starts from us towards the exterior and the small one from us towards the interior and never without us. By looking at the infinite we will come to the molecules and atoms which are making it up, the elementary particles, to the quarks and other all the smaller fractions towards the infinite. By looking at the infinite we will come from the size of a continent to that of an entire planet of the solar system, the galaxies, the metagalaxies and then the endlessness of the Universe, but all these are starting from the standpoint which is given by us, because We are those giving life to this Universe and maintaining alive the Illusion of Life. Once we died, our entire Universe is dying with us. We must not forget that both representations of the small big infinites we are making only and only through the prism of the Illusion of Life which is imposing the spatial-temporality on us. If the supernova could bring, hunch backed by the weight of billions and billions of years the history in our present by dethroning time, I wonder whether the space which we see and fell is not as dethroned? Why are the planets spherical, by example. Of course, in general because in reality the planets are not a perfect sphere but they are flat at both poles. The scientists will immediately try to smile and say that in fact this is a very simple question, that the form of the planets is actually given by the gravity. Then why does gravity take the round shape? Why not another shape? Because it is a law of physics which is acting on the bodies in a certain way. Perfect, real, but we could also wonder why is space like this and not in some other way? Why through the prism of the Illusion of Life the gravity must act so that the planets have a round form? Why not in another way? Why are we at the origins of the infinites and not in another point of reference? Well, some will say, that we can choose any point of reference. Yes, it is true, we can choose it only that that point of reference is assessed through US, it cannot be selfassessed. It is enough to look at the starry sky in the night and look at the supernova which stepped on the Ages coming with the history in our present and understand that we are immortal, that the space and time dont exist in reality, that they are just a better or worse inspiration of the Illusion of Life, that WE are ETERNAL, we were not born and we will never die, we will step on death by holding hands with the supernova which stepped on the AGES in order to enter the After World, just as the Living ones, as the starry sky is witness of the suffering in the World of our Inferno. Love Christine * I think I have more than thirty letters from Christine. Where is the last one? Here it is! San Antonio, Texas 2nd of September Dear Irene Sometimes I feel like going crazy here, locked up in this monastery. But only here I saw the charmed rod which scared my shadow. Therefore, only surrounded by the coldness of the stone in the walls, I can find myself again,

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do you know why? Because only here in the monastery I can cry inside my soul every morning after I finish my prayer, cry with all my strength: ELOI, ELOI, LAMA SABACTANI!!! which means, My God, My God why have you left me?""All these things you will find them in: Marcus, chapter fifteen verse thirty four of the Bible! Christine

Chapter 4
Suddenly I heard the echo of a voice coming from nowhere and heading to nowhere. It was like the Thunder that goes to the quick beating heart of the Earth on the twelfth hour of the Apocalypse:"Ask the ocean why it does not count the waves and the stars why they lose their light and die. Ask the wind why it cannot be caught in a sieve and why the sky is above. Why life is not death and death is not life. The sky, the stars and the ocean, the thunder, life and death will never answer. You have to learn how to live for that, and more than that, you have to learn how to die! Nothing is everlasting in time and nothing is endless in space, because life is not death and the Illusion of Life is nowhere else to be discovered but in death. Now you can realize why you needed the Illusion of Life, so you can get ready for death in the absurd of existence." "Who are you, Voice coming from nowhere?" I, Anthony Mc Cullough asked, if this is really me, Anthony Mc Coullough. "I am the one who comes and goes to nowhere, your alter-ego, Sorin's and the alter ego of all those who are doomed to Paradise." "What do you want from me?" "To make you understand you are no longer Anthony Mc Coulough, that Paradise is your punishment. Accept it like you used to accept a priest position, just as much as you wished to accept it inyour earthly life!" "Try as I might, Voice thundering to help me, I don't think I will make it. I feel I have an identity and it is impossible for me to get rid of it. I feel like trodden dust." "Dust is holy, it gives life in the earthly hell. You could never animate dust," said the Voice. "I could never! Please, Voice, help me to get to hell!" "First you have to stay in Paradise. You longed for it all your life. For this paradise you lied to yourself, confessing your mistakes before God, for this paradise and on its behalf you made many mistakes: you took money from people because you were such a door to Paradise. You were only a door of lie, despair and despondency. Accept the Paradise as such, because the Paradise is the only mirror where your soul longing for paradise can reflect, it is an empty wandering soul beyond any existential level. I am your mirror, look at me! Look at yourself, actually, in the mirror inside of me! Any bad thought is here in this ugliness and still you are in Paradise, marring it with your inner beauty! I also take pleasure in feeling your cowardice, lie and desire to escape from Paradise! Even this desire to escape from Paradise is a bad thought! Maybe the worst fo all. God is near you and running away from Him you only want to go on with your bad

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deeds you would do on Earth! You as a priest should lure other souls to Paradise, to God. But with great sincerity and not in order to escape from the hell in Paradise. You must do everything out of love for God! Fight with yourself, feel God, love God because here He is closer to you than ever. Leave your sinful blindness aside, take light from the Godlike Light, receive it in your clean soul! In order to do that, take off your thick sinner coat and throw it into the chasm of regrets and sorrow, because only thus you can sip from the real cup of happiness in Paradise!" "But I have already taken blindness off, Voice, I am with God! Exclusively and entirely on God's side, and I don't expect any reward! I am not lying, I want to tell the truth and nothing but the truth! Then I saw a light which was not actually light, and more than that I saw it without my eyes from the earthly life. And the light was coming to me, covering me in its rays which were not actually rays, just like the light was not actually light, it was celestial music, it was love, happiness, beauty and understanding, like I had never seen before and I had never believed it existed over the existences and non-existences of everything. I felt that not with five or ten or fifty, but with an infinite number of senses. Suddenly the Light retreated and left me realizing the blindness I was in! Then I started to shout as loud as I could with my thoughts: "Please, God, don't leave me, Please! Please!" But the light disappeared. I had been so happy seeing the light that was only one of God's sides and I was just as sad and unfortunate now, when it had disappeared. Possible that was the moment I felt the greatest despair in my hell in Paradise. I felt like running after God but there was no place where I could have run, I wanted to take Him in my arms and never let go of Him, but it was like trying to catch nothing in your fist and light in a basket from a dark cave. When my despair was at its utmost, I heard the Voice again: "You will never tell the truth and nothing but the truth as long as you claim you don't lie. Only a few moments have passed since I was near you and meanwhile you said you were entirely on God's side, which was a lie. Besides, you tried to do that for your reward, like you did on Earth! Maybe that is why God showed you one side of His, and then decided to send you back to earth. Actually you were given another chance to get ready for the After Life. Admit the truth looking at your thoughts, into the mirror inside me. God decided that the chance to save you through the punishment in Paradise is not good for you, because it was for the first time you regretted deeply the fact you are not closer to God, immediately after God had disappeared from your feeling. You repented bitterly! Once you arrived on Earth, try to take advantage of the chance you are given, go on with your life as closer to God as possible, and when God decides your time has come, He will take you to the place that is yours by right." The thunder of the Voice disappeared; I remained in from of the Acropolis in Paradise, in front of the white marble which I don't think is actually marble, but more of a dream about immaculate stone, the memory of our earthly sins. I felt a diffuse light, a kind of polar night, with an Aurora over my Dreams and Thoughts. "Are you still here, Sorin?" I thought. "Yes, I am here," the voice of the soul of Sorin answered. I felt a sigh and then the voice of Sorin went on: "I want you, Anthony, to go to my ex-wife, Christine, who became Sister Sarah, a nun at the Catholic Abby in San Antonio, Texas. Tell her to pray for my soul, but don't forget to tell her that her will to go in the land of death is not good, no matter how much she wants to come to me. She should try first to understand God because understanding God means first of all understanding yourself. She should know that nothing can happen without God's will, and good and fulfillment come from God, too. Any attempt

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of riot and trying to believe you are your own God only exiles you from your own capacity to think, which comes also from God. How can you understand you are in the middle of Paradise but in your blindness you never understand it, creating your own hell! How can you deny God's power, which can give Paradise within the worst of hells? Be against God and thus you will renegate yourself. It is true that God is different for each and every one of us, and that we create and mould God by the way we act on Earth. But wihtout God it's like living without thinking, value, good and evil. That is why the most ardent atheists are by God's side as long as they live! There is no life without good and evil, beauty and ugliness, hierarchy of values and thinking. God is feeling! Atheists never renegate their own God, which can be a wish or a cause or anything else that gives meaning to their life. Feeling is God, whether the atheists admit Him or not. Those who have a recognized God can be worse sinners than the atheists, whose God can be Nature or thermo-nuclear fusions, or science in its utmost expression sometimes. Science and experiments can be a dialogue between atheists and God. Atheists are some of the most religious beings, even if they do not call God by this name. They do the things they believe in with great sincerity, without hoping, like opportunists do, to declare God as the Lord of all seen and unseen things." Atheists also believe in the"seen and unseen things," but they do not agree with"blessed are those poor in spirit", and maybe not even some religious people agree with this. Only here, in the paradise of our own hell, can we understand why the"poor in spirit" are so blessed, rich and special"in spirit". Why? Because life is so indebted to the Illusion of Life, that each soul lives, from birth to death, scratching existence with his deeds, good or bad, small or great, that he will leave by the time when the Basic Truth does not even exist any more! Because the Universe is infinite and the infinite time does not exist because there is no measure for it. Only what is born to die or dies to be born can be measured! Birth and death are just landmarks! God's infinite Universe only has the landmarks of our Illusion of Life on Earth! "Do you think the Voice will be back, Sorin?" "Definitely!" "Quickly?" "I don't know, it depends on you," said Sorin,"it depends on every bad thought or mistake of yours. I will come again and again in your earless hearing until the most horrible despair you lived on Earth will be only a child's game compared to the despair you get from the Voice, our guardian in heaven. I am here because I killed myself in the earthly life, I gave no meaning to life because I was aware of the big Illusion I was living, namely the Illusion of Life! That is why I killed myself, like a coward or like a brave hero who fought the Illusion of Life, the lie of this Illusion of Life. You are not allowed to have bad thoughts here, but only sincere regrets for your actions on Earth. You are allowed to take joy in knowing God is so near and to hope that one day you will see Him and the entire Paradise, in their splendor, like all the angels who sing in the celestial chorus. That is happiness! Nothing is more painful than being blind in Paradise, knowing you are inside it but you cannot see it, feel it, understand it and more than that, knowing that you cannot receive the other senses and knowledge you had in the blindness of your earthly life, shadowed by the Illusion of Life!" "What do you think, Sorin, is it important to long so much for Paradise, that we should accept the polishing we think we need? Is it better to receive our sight to feel Paradise in its spendor, instead of being clairvoyants in hell? Where will we feel the real happiness, in Paradise or in Hell? Honestly, Sorin, there is no bigger happiness than seeing one of God's side, but there is no greater sufferance than knowing what such a side looks like and not being able to see it. Hell is the great salvation if you can see one of these sides and than lose this privilege, but if you have the right to see this side

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without being afraid that you will never lose the said right, then paradise is the great salvation, definitely!" "That's right, Tom, don't you ever think that will ever escape from Paradise, because each Spiritual Level has its Paradise and Hell. Please, Voice, do not torment me this way. I know I was wrong, that I am not allowed to talk but to the loneliness inside of me! Oh, I cannot take any more the torments I am going through or to stay in this timeless eternity! Despair and lack of hope, pain and unhappiness, everything is in vain and meaningless! Help!" "What's going on, Sorin?" I shouted, knowing that Sorin is tormented by the Voice, but I did not realize how." Tell me anything, Sorin, just tell me, don't leave with teh dire loneliness and despair that covers my soul in this Paradise. Please, Sorin, don't leave me... "The Voice's thunder is tormenting me, shouting in my ear, I cannot take this any more." " Please, Voice guarding Sorin, let him tell me a little bit what made him commit suicide?" "Please, leave me alone, Voice! I heard Sorin, begging his own guardian. Let me tell Anthony Mc Coulough what I did wrong. Let me tell him that my greatest mistake was that I did not or could not understand the eternity of a moment. This is the entire philosophy of life, knowing that the moment is longer than life and years. It is essential to understand and feel the eternity of a moment, maybe the only truth of the entire illusion of life which we are given to live on Earth!" shouted Sorin. Suddenly, a loud thunder was followed by a hysterical woman's voice, saying: "Too well, I will let Sorin tell you the reason for his suicide, to live again and again in death his cowardice and stupidity and above all the crazy courage to face God, throwing life away. Have mercy, God, of this vagrant of destiny called Sorin Cerin. Speak, Sorin, speak! the Voice thundered. What is stranger is the fact that each thunder of the Voice is not even one whisper, everything is transmitted mentally." Then Sorin told me about his life, about he had spent more than 10 years hoping that his wife, Irene, suffering from schizophrenia, would finally recover. He told me about his experience with the Lama from Tibet, who taught him how to hypnotize Irene in order to arrive to the place where voices came from, the spirits from other world who would feed on the spiritual energy of the people on Earth, turning them into lunatics. Then there came the destiny which finally spoke the last word, because Irene did not recover then, but in three years, and during this interval Sorin had already married Christine, whom he loved just as much, if not more than he had loved Irene. He had tried to forget the first wife building up a new life for himself. When Irene recovered, she realized that life has no meaning for him, because when Irene asked him"is this still you?" Sorin knew that he was and yet he was not the same any more. This state of confusion made him commit suicide. He could not know if his life was a serious confusion. Besides, he could not accept that. In the same way, Sorin's Words wandered away from me, sneaking out, trying to fool me into the fact that they would stay with me, so that I would not realize that I was more lonely than ever. And he did not even say good bye. Why? I will never understand that. But I never heard Sorin again afterwards. I was only with the Acropolis of Paradise in front of me. The Voice forbade me to speak with another doomed soul in Paradise. My despair became bigger and bigger and I had no time limit for the end of my punishment. Everything seemed to have frozen. I could not go anywhere, not even in my mind. I felt like a plant cursed to grow in the same place. That non-moment, and I say that because no time existed there, I heard the Voice again, so loudly inside of me, that I thought I would start to crumble into pieces.

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"Don't you understand that there are no curses in Paradise, crazy priest! Only the milk and honey of your conscious are allowed to flow here! That's all. Milk and honey, milk and honey could be heard the echo of the Voice repeating tens, hundreds or thousands of time in my consciousness. It thundered like a waterfall, grinding my thinking little by little, giving it a face wanted and known only by the Voice, maybe the face in which my soul could become a small pawn, a little stone in the mosaic of Paradise. I would have died in no minute if I were on Earth, from teh despair and Pain that the Voice caused to me. I didn'thave the liberty to die here." "You don't have the liberty to die in Paradise! Maybe on Earth I would have gone mad from such pains. I am not allowed to go crazy in Paradise. It is absolutely forbidden. You are eternally mentally sane and that's all. You have abundance, because hunger is forbidden in Paradise! Exactly because hunger, scandal, thirst, hate are totally forbidden in Paradise, you want them billions of times more ardently than you wanted them on Earth. All the"bad things" on Earth are missing here. Everything is perfect, a perfection of good and of course, everything is compulsory in the name of Good. You are obligated not to hate, not to do harm, not to lie, not to have negative feelings, and everything, but absolutely everything,"must" be positive. Except for Boredom and despair, you have nothing, here you cannot have the choice of suicide because there is no death in Paradise, but only eternal life. Here, in Paradise, Time has lost its own dice at the gambling table. The same happened with the real space. Only here you can see the naked reality, the Basic Truth and namely the real image that surrounds you and that you have been so much looking for in your earthly life. It is like having drunk from the elixir of eternal life in order to become immortal without knowing that the Paradise you longed for was only a banality for the Beast and the earthly nature inside of you. Besides, you did not know that you were supposed to be ready first of all for the life in Paradise more than anything else in the world. Not to mention the dear moments when we wanted Paradise on Earth and we did not know that those moments included each of them an eternity inside of them. Many times we went to churches, willing to please God in order to receive in exchange the Paradise. We did not realize that what we wanted was not actually the Paradise for us, but it was the hell: we and the Beast in us were not ready for the real Paradise, but we did not realize that our spiritual level was our real Paradise, the earthly Paradise, which was filled with moments of eternity. We were lying when we made the sign of the cross, because we did that in order to ask for something from God, wishing that even the sins we had made voluntarily to be forgotten. Isn't this perversion? I love you, God, but only if you give me something or just because I know you are great and big, and my disobedience can bring me punishment, such as the Exile from the Paradise I don't want any more now. Why do we have, God, this Destiny made of lead in this Universe, and why do we have to carry it with us after death, too? Is it right that we have been sentenced to be born where the spaces marry time, at the crossroads of death? Not even death can deliver us from Destiny! Why, God? I'm not a rebel against You. I know your mercy is endless. I also know you are LOve and You want to give us the absolute, true love, but all I do not know is why You do not deliver us from sins by Your kindness and why we are not allowed to make the decision not to sin. Don't leave me, God! Then I saw the Acropolis of Paradise receiving more and more light, reflecting on the white marble in the fog of Paradise. Still, it was a light that seemed to come from nowhere, but maybe it comes from those Acropolis. Suddenly I felt a positive sensation. I was happier than ever. A calm and warm Voice said inside of my soul:

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"Your time has not come yet, Tom Mc Coulough." "Who are you?" I asked. "I am the one who is, has been and will be in your thinking with times and space." "Forgive my deadly sins, I shouted, willing to kneel without realizing that actually I did not have knees to sit on. "Get ready in the life that is left for you until the time and your space come, so you can see the real Paradise! Look" A landscape I had never seen before made me believe that the Paradise is only light, but also temporal and spatial forms. Groups of souls were floating freely in the serene sky and here and there I could see story like palaces. The music of celestial bodies put you into a state of beatitude. This was the Paradise, actually the first stage of Paradise forthe souls who came from the world of time and spaces. It was just a stage, but it could become a hell for those who depend on negative feelings. Then I saw that stage fo Paradise for the last time. It is strange, it was covering me with its own existence, but had I been blind, it would have existed in vain inside of me and I would be in vain inside of it. "Thank You, God", I said more sincerely than ever, being aware of the fact that I existed! "What is the reason why Sorin committed suicide?" A mild voice told me:"Sorin was haunted all life by the thought of finding out the great secrets of the worlds. He was a noble soul, what made him riot against himself was the chase for knowledge, that Sorin had mistaken for destiny. He wanted to fight his won destiny until his death. What did he get? He is a blind man in Paradise! You can't find anywhere the secrets of teh worlds, because the worlds have no secrets! If you want some of your sins to be forgiven, look for your eyesight in the fog of paradise and repent! Refuse any position in Vatican, give things to the poor and not least look for Sorin's two wives and ask them to pray for his soul, to tell him that his only and last salvation is to refuse the Great Secrets of the Worlds, accepting Paradise, no matter how difficult it is for him to accept that the worlds have no secrets, he will just have to do it! No matter how much Sorin wants a Paradise full of secrets waiting for him to find them out, this Paradise does not exist and it never will, because Paradise is not part of the Illusion of Life!" I woke up in bed, in a hospital. There was a nun close to me, a nurse mumbling words from an old, deteriorated Bible. Immediately afterwards, I realized I had been connected to all sort of pipes and devices, competing among them in weirdness. I wined. But the nun did not react as if she had heard me. Actually I don't event know if that was a wine because I did not hear myself, so maybe it had been just an impression of mine, maybe I still thought I was in the other world, where wining and words are only in the heart. But here I was on Earth and I had to understand that words and wining are heard in the ear. So I tried a second time. Only then did the nun turn her amazed look to me. "Have you recovered, father?" the nun asked me. "Aaaaaaaaaah", I said "I will call the doctor on duty in no time." Presently, sister Magdalena came with that doctor, who took his stethoscope and put it on my chest. Then I felt for the first time in my life the cold metal which, like a traffic controller in an old railway station, as old as my age, had waived me for coming back from a long journey with the train of my Destiny. "You are in the San Lazare hospital in Rome. You had a heart attack and than God you recovered," said the doctor with amazement in his voice. I went out of hospital in about two weeks. My first thought was to confess to a

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priest chosen at random, somewhere, in a church in Rome. I still remember the somehow routine questions, since the priest did not know at first that I was cardinal Anthony Mc Coulough" "Did you lie?" a priest about 27 years old asked me. "Yes, I did" I answered to the priest. "When you lied, did you do so in order to hurt one of your neighbors?" "Yes I did and that is why I regret deeply." "It's good that you regret. Only then will God forgive your mistakes." "How do you know this thing so well?" I asked. "You come to me in vain if you don't know what regret, mercy and meekness are. I am not God, but only an intermediary of the soul towards God, and maybe not even that." I could not believe that any priest from the outskirts of Rome could be so profound and sincere with me, a great priest, who could not have even knelt at this young man's feet. I had almost burst into tears while comparing him to what I used to be before going to Paradise. Why can I see all these only now, when I have been banished from Paradise? I remember when he asked me whether I loved or I had really loved someone. I told him that in my youth I had a great love, her name was Minerva Ujoc. She had been my only sincere love that I had cheated with others, sure that no one would ever love her the way I did. Had I made my confession a week before, I would definitely not have remembered Minerva and I would have not admitted that I had cheated on her and I had lost her because of me. Paradise transformed me so much! I remembered the happy moments with Mina. That's how I used to call her on the day when she told me she was pregnant. I left her for a blonde woman, somebody I had never loved and whom I left very soon. I had already lost Mina. I found out that she had been through great pain because of me. She had had an abortion. My last conversation with her was on the phone, when she told me crying that we could have had a boy. She married a priest and I don't know if she was happy with him. The important thing is that I wish her happiness, wherever she might be, in any spiritual and dimensional level in Universe. After confessing more sincerely than ever, I went to a phone booth that was close to a parking lot, where a blind man was begging. I gave him so much money that the poor unfortunate could not believe. Maybe he said to himself that I must have been an impostor, and maybe that is why instead of hiding the money, he had thrown it into the black, rotten hat. It took forever on the phone until the operator put me through the Catholic Abbey of San Antonio, Texas. When finally she told me"You are connected to America," I could not believe it. I heard a woman's hoarse voice at the other end of the line, talking to me in English. For how long had I not been speaking in English? "Is that the Catholic Abby from San Antonio?" I asked in great excitement. "Yes, who are you looking for?" "Can I speak to Sister Sarah, please?" I said almost without realizing that I was shouting. "Right away, wait a few moments. I am going to tell her." Maybe those moments were the most difficult in my earthly life. I was watching the window of the phone booth, that had been probably broken by the kids who used to play with the ball at the end of the parking lot. Suddenly, a sweet woman's voice told me: "Hello, this is Sarah speaking." "I don't know how I should introduce myself, mother Sarah. This is cardinal Anthony Mc Coulougn and I am in Rome right now, in Italy." "Cardinal Anthony Mc Coulough," Sarah said in amazement.

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"Yes, it's me and I want to ask you one thing, sister" "Please do." "Have you been married in civil life?" "Yes, father." "Can you tell me where your husband is now?" "He passed away, father." "Is he dead?" I asked as if I hadn't known. "May I ask why you are questioning me about my ex-husband?" "What was his name?" I asked, without answering her question. "Sorin," she said. "Sorin," I repeated, as if I had not heard that name before, as if it were a foreign name that I wish it had been unreal or unknown or a little bit of both. "Yes, father, why are you interested in my ex-husband, Sorin?" "Because we met" I said, more full of hope than ever. "Do you know him?" "No, I never met him during lifetime." "Then?" she asked. "I met him in death." "In death?" she repeated. "Exactly, sister Sarah" I shouted without wanting to. "Is this some stupid joke?" Sarah repeated. "I'm not joking and I would like to pay you a visit because of that." "A visit?.... yeah, why not? So this is not a joke, I am waiting for you any time." "Thank you, sister Sarah." All my life was a marygo round rotating my moments around the nonunderstandable. I don't know why round the non-understandable. Instead of nonunderstandable, there could have been an ocean, a lake, a stadium of moments and why not, a mountain or a river. Maybe a chaotic laughter, like the laughter of lunatics in a forgotten madhouse of the fair of the world, this world that lives more than ever inside of me. Why should I be crying or suffering because of the death of I don't know who, for having been insulted or calumniated, envied, when I am the daughter of nonunderstandable. On the dust of my body and in my blood I forgot them a long while ago, more than I have forgotten about myself, though I feel body and space and color and last but not least: sister Sarah, who was for eternity Christine in my soul. Cardinal Mc Coulough told me he had met Sorin in death and not in life. Should I be wondering? And if I find out, will that be any good? No, because finding out about one thing even the Basic Truth about the thing in itself, it means that you, a poor mortal, will actually know more about that thing, because even if you find out the Basic Truth, you will understand just as much of it as a blind man who is shown a rainbow.Your horizon will be dark and remote, just like the colors the blind man can see. You can tell somebody who has been born blind how wonderful the blue sky is, he will never understand a thing, even if a Truth is revealed to him, belonging to our Illusion of Life, just as illusory in the absolute of the cosmic reality. Then? Are we know better-seers than that blind man? Maybe yes, but this is valid only in the dream we are living, namely the Illusion of Life.. Then why don't we accept that a non-truth can be in its essence our Illusion of Life, a truth just as big as the rainbow that the blind man is shown? I will write to Irene a letter telling her what Mc Coulough told me. I can't say why, but this is the first time I have felt a compulsion to write to Irene. In spite of all these, I have writer's block when the pen and paper are in front of me. I feel that I cant' write down, not even one sentence. How could I tell her that a priest came back from the dead

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and called me, asking about Sorin, whom he had never met? No, no way. You don't just come back from the dead, and start making phone calls or visiting a nun who is as much of a non-believer in God as she believes in the Word who gave birth to the world! What should I ask her about someone who committed suicide, maybe a soul who could never adapt to society and its meanness, or lies taken for truth and law. I don't think he killed himself to speak to priests in the afterlife, to priests who resurrect and call nuns on the phone or who try to find loneliness in the kind and lenient arms of the Savior, painted by a gay soul in order to be more attractive for the nuns. Should I be telling all these to Irene, about this ideatic group masturbation of the lonely nuns? No, I should speak nicely to Irene, only in words that reveal what is accepted by society, some sort of alexandrine verses played in the tone of moral, at the harp of lie and self-alineation. I could never understand why people accept a certain situation of the social moral, why they are not more sincere to their neighbor, why they do not accept a society that is closer to the condition of their soul and not an archetypal social moral, where the individual in himself has nothing to do in capacity of man, but first of all he must"educate himself" according to certain patterns who only alienate him more from himself, but more than that, it tries to kill any trace of personality, transforming him into a ruthless butcher of the personalities of the other individuals, who, if they are stronger, will not be so easily obeyed to the archetype of lie, moralof social nothingness where the interest prevails! What if Mc Coulough is a crazy priest, who was delirious about Sorin on the phone? Then, how can he know Sorin? Oh my God, Sorin, why do you continue doing this to me even after your death? Why? Wouldn't I better leave the abbey? What reason should I give for doing this? They will definitely label me unserious. What reason? I will have to lie, to invent one as plausible as possible. Anyway, religion in itself sometimes seems to lack sense. A hypocrite doctrine and that is all, but it can enliven souls up to fanaticism. I am running away from Sorin because I am terrified. Not because he is chasing me from the dead, but because it is hard to accept that he is looking for me and not vice versa. After all he had always wanted to die in Antarctica. I freeze when I think what a way he found to get rid of life. I used to be happy when I felt Sorin was close to me after death. I used to invoke him but that's all. He used to love me and in spite of this, I have started to fear Sorin terribly. Why? Maybe because I have started thinking more and more often that the spirit I am communicating with is not Sorin, but a demon. I don't have reasons to feel guilt, because it was not me who urged him to commit suicide. It was his choice. Oh, God, give me the power to discern, to have the power to face myself. I don't know and I cannot understand why I am feeling that I have to avoid Mc Coulough. The thought tormenting me right now is that I should hide somewhere in the so close remoteness of his feelings. I feel some sort of atavistic fear. God, give me the power to discern in the hard working will of my heart: the Thought. Maybe what I want more this moment is not to hear in the noisy silence fo my heart that turns my soul deaf, with its multitude of voices and tinges spoken in the most powerful bull horns that have ever existed, directly in my ears. This is the silence of thoughts, silence that strikes just like the waves, against the sad, silence shores of moments, giving birth to: Destiny.

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Chapter 5
Who am I? The poor Christine or sister Sarah, who has not become faithful enough or sinner enough? Therefore, I am some sort of impostor, a woman longing for a family life and who hopes that maybe one day a Don Juan or at least a Casanova will come to take her away from these disgraceful and cold walls. Before wondering who the Universe is, I should have asked who I am! I am wondering if the great, the ironical, the merciful, the good, the beautiful universe full of hope, with hormones between the pages of history of so many societies, is actually somebody. Who knows if we are somebody. Sometimes I can't believe that I, as Christine and sister Sarah do really exist. And not because sometimes I am undecided, good or bad or full of vain hopes, despondent, but because every time I look back, trying to discover myself, I am on a path with no landmarks, so I can get back to the place from where I started. Finally, I realize with the same stupor that the path does not actually exist, except for in a diabolical fantasy of life resulting from the stubbornness of being on the path regardless of price, of knowing that I exist and I am that someone who carves the foamy waves of existence more sharply than the rocks that hurt the ocean of the Illusion of Life. It's autumn and the trees have started to rust the memories of some buds that were born a few months ago, when nature displayed in spring its explosion of beauty and charm. The birds are heading full of trust towards the lost spring. These birds are looking their entire life for the lost spring, trying to draw on the autumn sky, by their geometry, and in the hearts of the tenants of the Illusion of Life, that the Great Happiness means looking always for the lost spring. The most painful thing in the world is not the incapacity to find, but simply finding the lost spring! You would have nothing to chase in this situation... That is why the lost spring of life is the autumn with its rusty and dead ceremonies, like the Illusion of Life itself! Autumn is the sign of our happiness, that, the more we love, the farther it gets from us. In order to be happy, we will have to love spring, the birth of what will die in autumn. The more you try to look for happiness, you will only wander away from it. Life and its own illusion result in paradoxes, which are always painful. By pain you feel life, you feel you are alive. We will have to hate happiness in order to get really close to it. I feel some sort of fear that comes from nowhere. I am afraid of everything and anyone. Of Mc Coulough, of Sorin who is looking for me from the dead, and not least I am afraid of the abbey. The cold walls surrounding it are a pressure on me, I feel some sort of sentimental claustrophobia, like I did about twenty years ago, when I wrote a poem I called like that, Sentimental claustrophobia. I don't know why but I don't have the courage to wonder even now what sentimental claustrophobia is.

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I still remember some of those lines: "Bitter lights, boulevards Voiceless music in my ear Far away from me I hear. One existence all thats left. Time goes by, does not come back. Clocks remind that times on track. This is the daytime. Now comes night. And many things will have arrived Within the sadness of the art. And of a man who, even blind Will seed the seeds of morrows light. Of many moments full of life Of many moments that have died. You wont be here! In all the fire-reddish falls That nature will delight I, poor pilgrim, seek my meaning Without me in my life Claustrophobia sentimental Just as banal Since our lips are full of cold In our winter soul abode." I dont know why I remembered those lines that I wrote some time ago with teenage passion and ardor. Maybe sometimes we feel that we need a bit of adolescence because by its purity banishes fear, our more than biblical anguish of our senseless meaning as dust forgotten by the time in ourselves! Then what will you do, Christine? Where will you go with hopeless steps? Those steps who trod on your own hopes, leaving cold traces in the snow of memories. Traces frozen by the pain of silence, which means to erase even time in order to satisfy the wishes of Forgetfulness, its Royal Highness. I feel like shouting: Curse! I shout from all my heart, only as a thought like a sear leaf, floating among the spiders of the autumns that are asking me:"Why Curse?" Then I feel like shutting up and look at the abbey walls. Then I feel like going away again, leaving forever the abbey that reminds me of curse like the one sentenced to be beheaded feels when he sees the guillotine. Finally I decided. I will leave this place forever. I want to live my life, without other complications. Happiness resides in simplicity and that is why I wish to live a simple life, to be forgotten somewhere, in the jungle of the big city, that does no longer remind me of the past, Sorin and everything he used to mean for me sometime ago. I will head west, maybe to Los Angeles, the city of angels. What kind of angels live there, I wonder? We'll see. I want to see the prioress's face when I tell her my decision to leave the monastery. Still what came to me all of a sudden, so that I want to leave this place? I don't think I am the first to do so and not the last either. I wish once and for all that the storm breaking the branches in the trees of my dreams and hopes stopped. I don't ever want to hear the word storm again. But what? Maybe calm, a calm more and more hysterical, despondent, until its perception is painfully sweet, from the beginning, turning into a volcanic and sentimental eruption, so powerful that even the lava of love will be thrown to the four corners of self forgetfulness, finding again the anguish and

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the frustration as the only saviors of destiny! Why, God of this monastery? Why do we always want an answer that does not exist? More than that, even if it did exist, we could not understand it. Maybe just because we can know the notion of answer? And if we do, what's the use of that? What's the use of that if we know there is the answer that we could not understand and maybe we could not accept. Why am I who I am and not somebody else? Who knows? Maybe the sky and the walls, the rain, the seasons, the beings, the stones, the satellites, the celestial bodies, the galaxies, the universe? Everything I want is to go to nowhere, with no aim, to go to and fro all my life. To forget about Christine, just like I don't want to remember sister Sarah. I wish I could bury them both in the cemetery of my thoughts. I am going to tell the prioress right away about my decision.. I am afraid not of the prioress, but of the unknown. Inside of me there is a fight between the fear of the unknown and the will to go, to change my life, my identity, to throw away all the lead memories pressing on me painfully, putting my heart in chains against the cold pillar of past, on a bad whether like the beginning of the worlds. I don't know when I arrived in front of the prioress's door. After all, it is a door like any other door, which opens and closes like the destiny between birth and death. I clutch the door handle and I open the door. The prioresss desk is in front of me. Only a feeble ray of light comes in through the window covered in opaque, purple curtains. I know that behind the curtains there is the painfully pleasant sun, which is always the witness of the holders of destinies that live under his light. Suddenly, I see a spider on a freshly woven web, made evident by a naughty ray of light who was fighting to face the curtains which came in through a small carving. It is 32 past 11. That's all I can see on the clock with a black face, which is behind the desk. This is the time, nothing more, not for me and not for the others, either. It seems that there is too much silence and I can't even hear the playful spider. I am so stupid! You can't hear spiders! The prioress was missing, even if I would have liked her to be here. Only the silence and a few of her things, such as a pen, a Bible, visit cards, a few pages full of signatures, were displayed there, in a maniacal order of the soul disorder that must have characterized the prioress. I would do anything if once in her life she allowed me to arrange her things, so she can see that its all about courage and not about the maniacal-despondent order of your soul disorder, prioress! Maybe than it would be much easier for me, because I would not have to fight alone, I would know there is somebody just like me, trying to find an escape from the endless ocean of finding ourselves. I feel so alone that I feel death is just as close to us as life is. It started to rain. I have not noticed when the ray of light disappeared. In the tomblike silence, the rain came like a savior of my feelings, from the skies, in order to break the plate of silence into thousands of pieces, for no one ever to be able to eat from it at the table of sufferance, which is my own life. I am walking in the monastery yard. Maybe the prioress is back. I went again in front of her black polished door. I open it. Yes, the prioress is there, swamped in her daily chores, as usual. She is talking on the big black phone which, definitely, must date back before the Second World War She did not feel I was there, in spite of my sighing. "So," I said finally. But the prioress kept talking on the phone, as if I did not exist. I start thinking of strange things, such as:"When I am dead, I will be willing to talk to somebody from this world and they wont feel me, definitely. Well, I am not dead and I am in this world. I am here, on Earth, the planet which..." "I exist! I exist! I feel that I exist! I wake up shouting without realizing it. Only now the prioress looks at me. She is calm as usually, this monument of interests." "I know you exist," she says with look that is not entirely here. Maybe the missing part of the look got lost somewhere in Antarctica, where Sorin committed suicide. The

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prioress puts her skinny hand on the receiver, covering the speaker, so that the person at the other end of the line cannot hear what we are saying. "I want to leave the monastery, prioress," I told her directly. "OK, thats it?" I answered in amazement and mechanically. "As far as I know, sister Sarah, a cardinal from Rome was about to visit you, better said his sanctity, Anthony Mc Coulough." "Thats right, prioress," I said in a little irritated tone. "Hello?" said the prioress taking her hand off the receiver."After all I agree on the price of the 500 candles. We also need incense..." she continues as if I had not been there. I wanted an answer, which she had actually given me Everything seemed too easy. I cant accept this"OK". My resignation was too easily accepted and this makes my soul heavy, makes me believe I am a sinner, a nothing, and that death will come just as unexpectedly as the prioresss answer came. So I must have valued very little in her eyes since she got rid of me so easily. So that I suppose my life does not value too much, and my entire system of values is torn down, I am a soul just as empty as I was at my birth. Should this be the moment of my re-birth? All the teachings and experiences of life are reduced to nothing? Then I am nothing and no matter how big and important we think we are in life, regardless of the illusion that life creates, we are still nothing. The prioress continued to speak about candles, crosses, flowers, icons and chains for tying the crosses to slender, thick, and young and wrinkled necks, in the attempt to find again our value, the reason for our living without realizing that every moment we get closer and closer to death. I believe in destiny, as well as I believe in love and the magic of death? Does death have a magic side? Or are we so blind that we can't even see its magic side. Maybe only when we have made peace to ourselves we can accept the great charity and magic of death. I don't understand why we have not been given the magic of death as a balm and a blessing instead of curse. Then who are we? What is the mercy destiny shows us since we cannot understand this mercy? Have we been created to ask for mercy, clemency and curse! I dont understand why I have been born Christine and not somebody else. Where are you, God? Where on the way of my destiny have I got lost at the same time with Sorin? Some of us are afraid of death, because they associate it with life, believing in feelings and sensations similar to those of life, but inside a tomb and a putrefying body! It happened that years ago I felt many times that cold shiver, that feeling of impossibility of life before death! I imagined how terrible must be to rot little by little, in a coffin or, as an alternative, to burn in a crematorium. It was horrible and I felt defeated, like a calf in a slaughterhouse. All these because I was applying death the perspective of life. When you are dead it is natural for your body not to have the senses that lead them through life. It is only a mass of decomposing matter. You don't have the senses you had in your life, even if you can see the dear ones. You become again the one you used to be before your birth, no matter if you were born one hour or one million years ago. You left time once you left the world and its sensations. I am wondering if other worlds are more welcoming. Do they have time and spaces? Do they have Destiny? Maybe the other worlds should not be approached from the perspective of this world. And then? Where are we going? Is it better or is it worse that something we are going to? Are we going North or South? Towards hours or towards centuries? Or maybe towards none of these. I don't understand why I am lately obsessed with death. Maybe I am afraid that there is no afterlife. We, the inhabitants of life,we need by all means an afterlife! No matter how hard we try, we cannot imagine death otherwise except from the perspective of life. No matter how many arguments I bring for myself and how many times I am shouting in my loneliness that there is afterlife, a

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feeling of fear mixed up with uncertainty dwells in my soul like a spring in the middle of winter, crying:"There is no afterlife!" so loudly, deafening for the ears of my heart. The Prioress continued to speak on the phone. I feel totally useless, as if I should not be in that office. Still, I get stubborn and I stay. The Prioress speaks about the baptism of a child from a nearby locality, and then she mentions the inevitable death of a certain teacher, whose cancer is in final stage. I keep on thinking about death, afterlife and the fact that the"afterlife" might not exist, there could be"after death" instead of it. And then? All of a sudden, I feel a wave of heat in my entire body, a feeling of joy floods my heart and unwillingly, I utter:"Yes!" maybe loud enough for my speaking to cover the prioress's voice. She looks at me, going on with her conversation. I smiled. The prioress looks at me asking, with a frown of the brows. I have no answer to give her, since the answer I had given was for me. No matter how much we deny the afterlife, it does exist and no matter how strange it may seem, it exists exactly by its non-existence. How? Well, it's simple! When we die, whether we are aware we are dying or not, our last thoughts become eternity by the endlessness of eternity that comes after them. Maybe the same thoughts, the last ones, are the afterlife, becoming eternal in the event that an afterlife, like we imagine, does not exist. In this case, even if the afterlife does not exist, it becomes eternal, by the eternity of the last thought taken on the wings of death to a new re-birth, to other spiritual and dimensional spaces. That last thought is, actually, a new world, a new re-birth to other spiritual and dimensional spaces. That last thought is, actually, a new world, a new life subject to other laws than those we know. In this case, the way you die becomes extremely important! The last moments of your life become this way very important, they are the grounds of your new life, the new basic structure of what you will be sometimes in the future! Therefore, the afterlife exists by its inexistence, by the eternity defining it, leaving the light of the last thought to shine under the new sky of the endlessness of your ego. Maybe that thought will build up a world entirely its, by the energy of the spirit deciding whether it will reincarnate in the left world or it will choose another spiritual and dimensional level, belonging to the last thought who created the said spirit. Actually, the existence of afterlife resides in death and eternity, in its inexistence. Strange as it may seem, when you say there is no afterlife you actually confirm the existence of the afterlife. It is very important how we die and it is just as important if we go to the other world in good peace with ourselves or not, because in the moment of death we can visualize a thought full of beatitude, with elements we are eager for such as a magical land ro becoming young and healthy again, even if we are actually eighty years old and burdened with the weight of our age.. We will have to believe in ourselves and in our stars which dies out in a small corner of the Universe, in order to go to another Universe, where the train of this world does not have a railway station. The prioress finished talking on the phone. She is looking at me as if she were asking what I was doing in her office, me, such a weird woman, who does not want to understand that everything, but absolutely everything, is subject to patterns and laws, and everybody subordinates to somebody or to an idea and, why not, to manners. "That is right, prioress" I answer, at the same time waiting for an answer. "I have told you I agree on your leaving, sister Sarah, if thats what you want. All these years since you have been here, maybe you understood how many things we owe to God. If you want to serve Him differently, I cannot stop you. The way you will

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choose will be the one that will determine your destiny.." "No, prioress. My destiny has been determined before I was born, even if I feel it is me determining it." "Then it will continue to write the story of your life," the prioress said, deeply moved by such an answer, looking at that old telephone apparatus, as if she wanted to call once more, to leave our conversation and go nowhere. I was looking at her, she had started scratching the tablecloth with the nail. "Do we really have a way?" I asked the prioress "If we did not have a Way, which would be the role of God?" she said, the glance mislaid towards the telephone, as if she answered to herself. "A way, a way, a way" I have repeat as I made it when I had 4-5 years and I learned poetry. "A Way", concludes the prioress while sighing. "Then?" I have request to her, biting without realizing it my lower lip, so that at the end I released a rather strident"ah" but it was almost quietly. I do not know if the prioress heard it or not, but what is important is that, as if she was being carried away on the wings of thought, she whispered something quite incomprehensible, something with why, with paradise, with sex or maybe without sex, maybe that it was only my impression, maybe that it was me who thought about sex, who could know that, what matters is that suddenly she turned her stray glance from the telephone and looked directly at me. She said something to me, because she moved her lips, but she forgot to speak. The finger, which until the other day had scratched the tablecloth slipped on the telephone wire, making it swing to and fro, sometimes calmly, sometimes more nervously. "Why do you leave mother Sarah?" "Why do I leave?" Well that was the answer I had waited such a long time from the prioress, and which did not seem to come any more. Finally, I said to her: "Death is a continuation of life, prioress", I said to her without realizing it. Suddenly she looked at me more or less surprised, with a spring air in her eyes. "And before death there did not used to be always life?" says the prioress this time with an absent air, finishing the question with a light raise in her voice, which revealed me a hidden surprise. "I agree with you, prioress. Before us or more exactly before the life we lived, we lived in the eternal life of the death before the life, and after this we shall live the death beyond the life. What disturbs me more is that all our life we will never know which one is the true death, the one before life, that one after life or maybe death is the life itself? "Why should we know all these, sister Sarah?" the prioress said, looking at me directly, with a strange spark in the eyes, which I had noticed only in the eyes of animals during my childhood. "Why? Because only that way I can explain myself what I am doing here in this Holy Monastery, what Holiness, sacredness are, and more than this where I want to go in the life I have left, in order to face the destiny which cannot be faced." " Be more explicit mother Sarah," said the prioress with a certain resignation which, by chance, I happened to feel as being sincere. "I am here because I am trying to believe in the concept of holiness like I used to believe during my childhood in Father Christmas." "I needed Father Christmas then as much as I need now the concept of God. What if He is only a kind of Father Christmas for grown-up children like me? "And what if it is so?" says the prioress.

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"Well what if ? I should be speaking in the name of people but only in my name: it would be a disaster." "A disaster?" "Yes a disaster" I answered her. "A disaster" repeated the prioress in a serious tone. "I think I know why that would be a disaster for you", she concluded. "Why?" I asked her more curious than ever. "Because you are afraid of death and, why not recognize it, of life," she said with alleged superiority, hiding away, somewhere in the light lacking depths of her heart, some forgotten arrogance, possibly remains from the times when holiness had no spiritual connotation for her. "So it is, prioress," I answer, as if right this moment I had to swallow a slice of the most acid lemon I have ever tasted. Anyway, I try to keep all uninvited grimace off my face. " I am afraid of death and because of that I am looking for holiness; I fear it just as much as I fear life and that's why I am seeking death." " I wish you could help me to better understand holiness, looking for it in order not to run away from my own life with the fear of death, in order not to run away from the high prelate who will come and who will speak to me about a death which causes me the same fear as life does, of a death which makes me live again a life lost on the frozen paths of the Antarctica, where Destiny, my former husband, killed himself, where a part of my life also died with him, a life which, instead of leaving me alone, haunts me more sharply than ever, making me live two lives at the same time, that of mother Sarah and that of Destiny's wife." "Maybe what is frightening me more is the fact that I will die only for the life I lived as mother Sarah and not as Christine, Destiny's wife. Maybe if I live two parallel lives I also deserve two deaths." "Nobody deserves two deaths." "Look prioress, that's the thing that drives me crazy, makes me become insane and makes me go I don't know where. Because of that my inner tranquility, which I believed I would find here, in this residence of God, dissipates itself as the fog of winter mornings is dissipated when the cold and wet sun comes up of its stellar hide-aways. That is the problem, prioress, the fact that above all I need two deaths to be able to find my peace in my two given lives, and, nevertheless, I am afraid of death." " I understand you, mother Sarah, but maybe only while waiting for his sanctity, Anthony Mc Coulough, you will be able to receive your second death for your second life. "Or the continuation of each life in its death." " Maybe, poor Sarah." "Maybe, prioress." "For the moment it would be better that you do not leave anywhere. Wait for his sanctity, Mc Coulough, to come." The prioress started to speak to me with much tenderness in her voice. Well, it is exactly what I do not like. I do not like to be felt sorry by anybody. "I know this is some sort of stupid pride, but it is what I feel and I dont think I will change at my age considering that I did not want to accept at all that I was afraid of the death full of life of Mc Coulough, this death sharper than my life, the life of a nun who in her stupidity or in her navet believed that she would find herself between the walls of this abbey but on the other hand she realized that she was farther from herself than ever, which she thought was as an animal cornered by the weapons of hunters, but who hid behind thick bushes, thinking they might protect it from the weapons carrying

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death, bushes which will bring it back to life, to a life in which it does not feel any more its heart beating as if bursting out through its ears and eyes, fearing that the fatal bullet could make it stop beating each moment, because of fear, of anguish, like the clock from the tower of the old cathedral, with musty smell and gray walls. I answer the prioress:"You are right. I will not leave for the moment. I will wait for the cardinal, to see if I have the right from the divinity to two deaths or of two lives in the death!" "Or the right to two lives in one death" the prioress interrupted. "Maybe", I answer her instinctively, without realizing it. In fact, I became absent to the dialogue with the prioress while thinking of holiness and of the fact that we need so much for us to be holy and to have our saints created by this life. Suddenly the telephone rings again. The prioress answers with greasiness, something like that:"ah, yes, these small icons" I am going to leave, thinking that maybe I too, am a saint, or maybe in another death or in another life I was Father Christmas, Snow White or Cinderella and despite everything maybe only in this life or in this death we agree to create our saints, to believe in them. We need so much to believe in somebody like us but who has approached more than us the canons of perfection, canons which we use like a code without words or figures, a code of certain canons which we have dug deeply with the chisel of our heart in our own antediluvian history, history supposed to include a winner, endowed with some qualities for winning, these ones being only canons for building up holiness, canons which transformed in time until they resulted in the sentence:"each and every one of us has private saints." In fact I believe it would be more suggestive to affirm: each one with its own alienation, alienation, which made us believe in something, even in Cinderella, Father Christmas, White Snow or Gulliver, and when all of this was not enough any more, we have created the holiness as a false substitute of sacredness, which we claim to be holding but we only deliver heroes according to the respective canons, heroes whom we call saints. This is the belief of man, who thinks that he believes in order to believe! Without canons Snow White could not be a saint any more because from the little children that we were we became big children. We need a Snow White to believe in and because of that she had to make a blunder according to our older canons, namely tales about purity, absolute, in a word sacredness, fact that conferred her the appellative of saint. Thats what we, people, are, some grown-up children who never stop believing in tales, tales which must be at the level of our expectations. We need supernatural because it is a substitute by which we explain something"scientifically" or"spiritually". It is always us who finally give an answer to ourselves. The great lie of our life is that we assign sacrality both to the supernatural and to our everyday life, which is not veracious because the supernatural is neither in the everyday life, nor in the sacral, as the sacral is neither in the everyday life nor is it really supernatural. All that is sacral is not supernatural, and what is to be found in our everyday life not only that it is not sacral, but it is far from being supernatural. It is completely true that if we thought each day these statements the life would become grayer and even more distant from what we represent as a gear of it, being without direction. We need lies because only with lies we can nourish the illusion of our life on its way towards progress and civilization. We were born to feed us on lie and when we go to the toilet we flush over the thing that is nearest to the truth more than anything else:"our ideatic feces".

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Though we are strangers and very far from ourselves, though we hate ourselves by loving ourselves or we love ourselves with the hate, never but never will we stop believing that the more expensive a coffin is, while being made of a special material, and the bigger comfort it offers, the better it is. Then our being is something else except for a stranger to itself, dressed with the cloak of absurdity. Surely not! There are people who figure this out and who prefer to continue their trip, others who will never figure it out, and thus there is nothing for them to continue, and others, but only very few, who figure it out but who do not continue anything. The latter are most unhappy because they figure out the lie in which they were born, they always seek a truth that to tell the truth they will never find and in the event they do not commit suicide, they abandon themselves in a world of idealism, where the supernatural receives the connotations of the common, where the holiness does not exist, where the sacral is the canvas with which they nourish their own illusion of life illusion which will torture them, showing to them the lie! The other two categories will nourish the illusion of their life with the lie that they will consider at the same time holy, sacred and supernatural. I go to my room. A breeze blows through the large and palmed leaves of some fig trees brought here from the holy land itself. The saints are an indicator that pointing the way to God. Without saints life would not be the same. What would be life without poetry or tales? To tell the truth God is another tale on which depend all our life and our entire destiny. Each of us is a tale with a beginning or an end more or less happy, but a tedious tale, and nothing but this, a tale in which our own body always and inevitably becomes a corpse, without taking account the position we have in this world, a world in which we know that we see only the space and the traces that time left there, and we think only very rarely that we can also see the past too, but not the present by telescopes at billion years light, where the past of the stars becomes present in our present and the future of the stars begins from the so called present that we live. Why? Is it possible for the future to be also in the past of the stars, where the time freezes while amalgamating with the eternity? When man started to wonder he felt for the first time the despair, being for the first time conscious of himself. As we can see I can go anywhere, I can do anything else, other than monasticism and in spite of that more I am free to choose the way I want to follow, the more I do not want to leave. What a paradox the commitment you make to yourself in this world! Maybe I should travel with myself in myself, maybe I should look at my interior worlds, look at the structure which composes them, worlds which compose me, I should run among them like a virgin in a brothel, I should always wonder what I am doing here there, as if I knew it since before this world, in which sister Sarah deplores that she passes through an existential crisis. Maybe only now do I succeed in discovering myself, I succeed in figuring out that I was not and I could never be a person, a soul that accepts some canons to float on like a sheet in a late autumn on the waves of its own Styx, forgotten by the times of some liar, faithless but quiet summer in the station of life, canons which are found only during the autumns when the rains of the memories become melancholies full of existential neurosis. I go to my room, where I will feel again lonely and weak, ridiculous and full of all

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kind of paradoxes, some stranger than the others. I look at the walls full of moss, maybe as old as the hearts of many sisters; it is like the traces of the time ordained in this monastery for glorifying the success it has in this world, namely it is glorified between these walls maybe more than anywhere else, because here we can feel time in all its splendor, much heavier and full of pressure, like a very affectionate, but obese husband, compared to whom loneliness becomes a soft and inestimable burden, you want to run away from him but finally you stop. It is much better to flirt with the time, which has a past, instead of flirting with eternity, where the past has been erased definitively in billions of years of universe! Once arrived in the room I want to throw my things on the floor, I want to make the biggest mess. I do not understand why the order became to me so heavy. I would break something, I take the little horse of porcelain that I have had since the spring of the Shell Festival that here, in San Antonio, has turned into a real festival of repression, failures, but also of hopes and successes over the year. I look at my little horse, crumbling into pieces. A deep but reassuring tuneless sound, crosses the tumult of my soul like a bell which resounds only once in the eternity in the quiet vastness of the universe. Hardly now do I see among the inert clocks a white envelope. These are sleeping pills. There, at the Shells Festival I have decided to take a great amount of these drugs to be able to travel in the world of Sorin, in the worlds of LAMA Den Xing. Worlds that I know only from some vague descriptions related by Sorin before dying, worlds where I did not live. A world does not exist if we do not live it, it does not matter how many descriptions you hear about it. I want to live them at all costs. In any case I am not convinced that taking these drugs I will arrive there, but who knows, there is a chance. I feel reluctance, a fear that is reduced by the desire to escape from myself, desire that started to be a true obsession for me. I do not know if the amount is too big or too little. What matters is that until now I did not have the courage to avoid life using the sleeping pills. Since months, when I put the sleeping pills in the little horse I have always postponed this moment. A fear maybe as old and deep as the dream that we live, as the illusion of life or as the moment when we were conscious that we exist made me tergiversate the moment when I have decided to inhale the sleeping pills. Why? Then it would be better to ask myself why I want so much to escape from myself? Maybe that would be the answer, this very question, because any answer about us is a new never ending question. We are a question about our own destiny. We have never been and we will never be anything more. Why? Because our existence is illusory, we live the illusion of life from the illusory birth until the illusory death. Maybe in ourselves we are never alone, but by the illusion that we live we are condemned to loneliness by the question! Thus, every moment that brings us closer to death carries us farther from ourselves. Then which is the truth of this life except the illusion of life in itself? Maybe death! But nevertheless, once death occurs trough the illusion of life, in terms of this one, then death is also an illusion? The illusion of death? I came to understand that the single truth that is given to us is that of the illusion of life and that of the illusion of death.

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This truth brings us more closely to God because we are conscious that the illusion of life with its self-asserting science, the knowledge in general, that moves us away from God Himself, is a morganatic representation. All that we know truly is that God exists, being the only truth that we can perceive! For the rest we have only the illusion that we know or that we cognize. We believe ourselves great and powerful, we run on the way of our life full of uselessness and skews towards any kind of goals whose importance is quite as illusory as the same goals. We do not know if space really exists, if time really exists, the good and the evil, the beautiful and the ugly, and we do not know really which of all that is really the good and which is the evil, which is the beautiful and which is the ugly but especially what is the space and what is the time. The fact that I run or that I move can be an illusion quite as big as the fact that one hour has passed since I have spoken with the prioress. One winter I had a serious depression. During these moments not only that I did not know where I was from the geographical point of view but while remaining in an armchair and while looking at the window I was trembling. All the time I reached out my hand to see if the space in front of me exists. Then I felt a terrible panic associated with anguish, fear, despair. I had the feeling that all that surrounded me was inexistent and me, I was a point without space and time, some share in the Universe or, more terribly, that I was surrounded by large concrete tiles, like in a tomb, and that one was a palm outdistance from me. The fact that I suffer seriously from claustrophobia created me a feeling of inferno associated with weakness. I was terrified believing that the image of the nature behind the window is nothing but a lie. What terrifies me is the question whether all of this is really a lie and if the illusion of life hides this truth behind it! Maybe because of that this illusion of the life we live exists, because if we learn the Basic Truth about us, about the foreigners in ourselves, we could not support ourselves any more and we would destroy ourselves immediately. Who are we? Who I am, this ex-Christine, the current mother Sarah? Why I was born and where am I running to? Am I sentenced to always pass from an illusion to another, from the illusion of life to that of death and then to other and other illusions? What is the truth? What is the freedom with its freedom of will? Mere illusions, but what are illusions? In any case not mere truths, but what? If our truth is an illusion and the illusion is not a truth we do not exist. We are a dream of an eternal creation without times and spaces! We do not exist because, if we exist, we should die, but the creation that dreams us is quite as immortal as the time and the space of its breath, of its existence and of its Basic Truth. Because of that we do not die but we do not exist either! We feel distant from ourselves because although it is difficult to believe, the truth is that we are not we, I am not I, but then who we are? We are the trees in bloom from the springs or the foamy waves of the ocean or the first snowflakes which cover the the reddish-brown oak-trees forgotten by time. If we are the rain why we cannot wash us from ourselves? If we are the stars on the clear sky of the nights laden with love whispers or deep sighs for fearing another day, why do we know and believe, but we cannot identify ourselves to the star in front of us that shines suavely but who died billion years ago?

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Why? Because we cannot accept the beauty of the past in the illusion of death, because we wish this time of life which breaks each night on the sky in billion stars, in bits of past, present and future where all together say to us that he, the great time, not only does not exist but it was meant never to exist. Then? Who are the strangers within us? Not only that I am not afraid of death but I want to regain by death the freedom I had before knowing that the primeval sin exists, or before knowing that sufferance for happiness, but also happiness for sufferance exist. I have a kind of strange feeling, that there is some sort of lucidity in the chance that surrounds us. I have came to look at chance as to a friend whom I have known since always; suddenly this friend disintegrates himself and the chance becomes a feeling, an ego, me myself. I hear the door bell ringing. Who is it? I slam the door open, it opens more widely than my heart is opened towards society. There is a priest."Be welcome," I tell him in an undertone. "I am Anthony Mc Coulough," he says to me in a hoarse voice. Anthony Mc Coulogh, the cardinal, is in front of me. He oddly looks at me, with timidity and also with a kind of revolt. Although he looks at me, our glances do not meet, as they got lost in the amazement of having met each other. We have been in this living room of mine for more than ten minutes and except for the habitual greetings, we have not spoken a word. The cardinal is so wrinkled that suddenly the surface of the brain or of a planet crossed by cracks and ditches comes to my mind. I smile, saying to myself that Mc Coulough cannot possible have the face of a planet or the face of a brain. But does he actually have a brain? The brain does not have a face; it remains hidden in the skull, like we remain hidden in front of life, although life exists through us, the same manner that the thoughts pass through the brain. "I was in the afterworld", the priest said finally. "In the afterworld", I repeated as if this term were completely new for me, as if I never heard anything about it, and now, unaware, following a revelation, I would have taken note of that for the first time. "I did!" he concluded, this time a little interrogatively. "And?" I answered. "And" He pauses a little and then he continues: "There is a place without place and a world without worlds. With sighs and despair but also with happiness and ecstasies" the cardinal says. "Is it?" I say astonished but without being astonished in my spirit. Maybe the cardinal felt that or maybe not. "Yes", he answers me both affirmatively and astonished, and I did not know at all whether this affirmative yes expressed the astonishment in his mind or not. Maybe it was just a lying mimic, as the one I had had previously. "Yes" the cardinal concludes more authoritative than before, which gave much relevance to his answer. "I do not understand, father, you know, I cannot understand "What Sarah? What is so difficult to understand?" Why there is a place without place and a world without world sbut with sighs and

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despairs, with happiness and with ecstasy? "That's why I am here, because I want to understand the previous question, Sarah. I want to know why the world can be without world, the place without place, but the suffering cannot be without suffering, just as the happiness cannot be without happiness and the sigh cannot be without sigh!" "Well, father", I answered him,"How could I answer to the question since I am the one who asked it?" "It is not you who will give me the answer, Sarah, but in exchange you will help me to ask the question that will answer to this." "How father?" "I do not know that myself, but nevertheless I feel that I will find my answer here." "Here in this monastery?" I ask the father. "I feel that this is the place where I start on the road for answering the question." "Before the doorbell rang I wanted to...but Id rather not say it. That does not make any sense," I told to the prelate. "Maybe it doesnt, but what if it does...?" "If it does!?" I say to him more or less undecided whether I should reveal to him this secret or not. There are two antagonistic forces fighting in me, on the one hand urging me to confess to someone, but on the other hand I dont want to. In the event that I confess that will be like I would put out the fire inside me with the thunder of the confession." On the other hand, the fact that I wanted to commit suicide when the priest was ringing the doorbell is also a secret which should be mine and only mine! Life is not merchandise in the shop windows to be looked at by everyone. There is a fight in me between my life turned upside down and my life that is back on its feet again, in normal position. Who will win? I feel I need both of them, but no matter how many times I wonder I still cannot find an answer to the most simple and most difficult question in my life:"who am I?". I know my name, I know a whole story about myself, what I like to eat, what I hate, what I can love but if I think more profoundly, I realize that actually I know almost nothing of all these. I only have the illusion that I know, actually I don't know why I was born on this planet where the fight for life can never be bought with the money of lost moments, through the hard worked palms and the sweated foreheads of all the dusks that remind us that another day has passed"in vain"! I have a feeling of uselessness and I think that no matter how many things we do in our life, no matter how much genius we put in our work, everything is a vanity fair inside our illusion of life! "No, father, this is useless" I said though I had not wanted to. "Only God can decide upon the reason of things," he said while he was looking at me as if he wanted to give me radiography with his own eyes. "I cant put up any more" I said without finishing the sentence I had started. "What is it you cannot put up with any more, Sarah?" "Its me, father!" "Dont you ever say that again," said the cardinal pondering, while he was gazing at one of the corners of the room. "Why?" I asked as if I had been a kindergarten child and the nursery-school teacher had told her that playing with the fire is not good. "God gave you this existence so that you take joy in the beauty of the world and why not, in yourself. Be happy about yourself, my dear, because if you dont do so, you will come not only to hating yourself, but even more, to sow the seeds of hate, pain and sufferance for

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those around you, for the nature surrounding you and which is God, first of all! Understanding yourself is understanding everything around you, people, animals, nature, everything from human to wilderness. Love flowers and the twittering of birds, the roar of the ocean waves, the clouds full of snows, the trees in blossom, the blooms of trees and the springs of our souls. "If you only knew, father, how difficult it is for me to love myself and to trust in me?" "Why, Sarah?" "I cant explain it myself. Maybe if I could understand why I hate myself, why I dont believe in me, all the problems would be solved. What is it, father, that you want to know from me?" "Ive told you I dont know either. All I can say is that finally the question preceding the answer will come. Destiny told me that you should pray for his soul with all your heart. He needs praying where he is, just as much as you need here food, air and water." "He needs prayer, father," I repeated the priests last words. "Yes, prayer" he repeated as if it was the only thing left to say. There was silence. Only the rhythmical tick-tocks of the wall clock reminds us that we are subject to time, that he speaks for us, keeping us sad company with a taste of passage to death. After all maybe death is not such a bad thing. We are afraid of death because we do not understand it. "We dont understand death, do we, father?" "Life does not want to understand death, but what is life?" he said smiling. "A mere illusion and thats all, something that actually does not exist, but the majority fight to save as many possessions as possible in this illusion, fight for power, social positions and physical or intellectual pleasure." They want to be"successful", eager for the pillars of life, of the illusion we live, which are: power, social positions and pleasure! That's why the fear of death intervenes, because through death we lose all these. As I see it, the bohemians are real people, the ones who live from day to day, and take in a certain extent no interest in this charade called life. Occasionally, I hear a stupid person who cowardly states that God has let us in this miserable world just to polish ourselves. That we have come as barbarians, as savages, at the plentiful table of the world, where people intone waltzes and have dinner only using the fork, the spoon, and the knife. We are not permitted to at with our hand, but if we do so, God smacks our fingers with a rod, so, people, we should be more civilized! Nonsense, father, all these are just a way through which we don't accept our miserable cowardice, because we refuse to admit that God is not only good, but also bad. Because we need a merciful God. We release Him from all sins, which we attribute to us! Moreover, we refer to the sins related to our origin, as the original sin. Another reason would be our fear to discover the dark side of God. Man has made a pact. He thought that instead of having no shoulder on which to cry, but an obscure interpretation of God which would have smacked him continually, he'd rather made a pact with himself, and accept strictly the good aspect of God. When man accepts that the one we call upon to release our suffering is both good and bad, he may rediscover his true personality. This is exactly what mankind cannot agree with, no matter what. Namely, that oneself can lament to someone who after punishes him and shares to his suffering.At that moment did man admit only the good side of God,and he had attributed to himself the dark one,and considered himself the reason of all evils,implicitly of sins.

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"The truth is that I don't know the mistery of life",said the father."all I know until now is that there is an afterworld,with both good and evil,and in that particular world oneself is expected,but having first his things put in order in our world.Why should we prepare,and put our things in order?Why is that father,why are we not born prepared for this passage?" "If it were so,we wouldn't be born anymore." "For who are we suppose to learn,father?For God?" "We learn in order to drive away our veil of ignorance,so that we could understand God." "What if I don't want to be happy, I don't crave for that hapinnes that comes after,am I convicted to ignorance?Why?" "Because only if U polish yourself in this existence U manage to understand the true meaning of God,Sarah!" "If I don't accept to take this sacrifice,will I torment myself?" "It may be possible,Sarah!" "That means that God is also a dictator?" "How can U affirm such a thing,nun Sarah,precisely in the holy monastery?" "I am not a coward,father!" "Even so,you defy God!"pointed out the cardinal while his hand strated to shake. "Isn't it a fact,father?How do you call a person that does not love God,if not a proscript?" "No, Sarah,atheists are not proscribed!" "But pious one are,father!" "Yes,because God didn't force them to adopt a certain belief,they did it,in their capacity of rational human beings!" "Why is that?"I asked the prelate. "Perhaps they found life beside God easier." "If oneself forswears what he have already accepted,it means that he denies his personality,he denies himself as a human being,and he implicitely becomes a proscript for himself,and not for God.Whether oneself is or it is not a disciple of a certain belief in this illusive life,God will love him equally.Oneself must not indulge in blasphemies.God neither accepts the dogma,nor the politicizing of a certain religion.All these theories were born from our ignorance,and I think that the good side of God is the good side of man,as much as the dark side of God is the one of the evil man.Both qualities and flaws which were assigned to God belong to the human soul.The more human God is,the closer he gets to us.God is not human,He is God the Divine." "Aren't the rules of yhe Universe just simple instruments of the divine dictatureship?It doesn't matter if they are phisical or psychic regularities,they limit our existence after their own pattern." "You are absolutely wrong,Sarah!We need both good and evil to make us aware of our existance.Without a boundary,existence loses its own system and structure,and consequently,it fades away.The opposites are complementary.Happiness would no longer exist or would no longer melt like a snow-flake on the forehead of an alpinist,if it didn't exist suffering,and moreover,a boundery to limit them.We live in a limitated Universe,because we are aware of our acts.When all these disappeared,the Universe of rugularities would also stop to exist.Everything that has a limit is liable to regularity.Bounderies give birth to values for which we may or may not long for,but the primordial thing is that that we are aware of these values." "Thus, father, God shows a plentiful table to a famished man,closed in a cage, where he hasn't eaten anytging for almost a week,and says to him<<if you educate your savage behaviour in another world,it will come a moment when you will get a crumb

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from this copious meal,but if not,you just watch and bare...>>Is this the kindness of God?" "Sarah, I believe you have a false interpretation of God.People tend to attribute to God everything that happens in their lives.Often,they attribute God with the tributary imperfection of the human soul in this absolute illusive life,as we had already discussed." "I wish you were more explicit,father!" "It's true,Sarah,that if oneself wants to understand God,he must pay a price,but would he be happier if that price didn't exist?" "This price is part of the illusion of life,father?" "Yes,Sarah,it may not exist in reality,as a matter of fact,it doesn't,but this price is something else." "What exactly,father?" "I cannot say,Sarah,what hides behind this price,behind this polishing necessary for understanding God.All I know and feel,is that this price is formed of Godlike Light,kindness and help." "Perhaps I don't want to pay this price,I might wish for a world in which I don't have to pay any price,but not as the one of Nirvana,father." "Everyone has the liberty to believe whatever he wants and in whoever he wishes,but from my perspective,I think you are wrong,nun Sarah.In a world of Nirvana,you obtain that perfect peace,which is death itself.You end up in a world in which you no longer know what happiness and suffering trully are." "It may be better this way,father,because for a grain of happiness,we must endure all this suffering." "When I stepped in the other dimension,I had the chance to understand the divine world of God.I cannot express in words the beatitude and fillingI have felt.It is also true that penitence and suffering are needed for reaching the afterworld.Firstly,you should think positively in life,and especially,when wishing the access to God,your mind should be at ease with all things you have left on earth,because all are pure vanity." "What about love,father?If I loved my husband and had children,would that be vanity?" "For the moment I don't know for sure whether everything is considered to be vanity." "Hmm,I tend to think that it is true because of the illusion of life." "That would mean that our life was just a lie,which I cannot accept." "Why not,father?" "It is not in the nature of things.Then I wonder why do we live this nightmare?" "I wish I knew it!"I said indignantly. "I wish I knew it too,nun Sarah."the priest said with a trembling voice,but full of indignation too. "Even so,father,we were given a paradise towards which we were suppose to wish to ascende." "Sure,Sarah." "Is it so relevant the moment of death related to our final destination,the paradise?" "Yes.First of all,when that time comes,you should think positively,because that moment stands for your union with the eternity.You should set your spirit free,erase eny negative factor from your soul,such us:hatred,cowardness,lie,defamation,avarice,and especially the sorrow for this world."commented the father,plunged into deep thought more than atentive to the discussion. "I firmly disagree,father.How cannot oneself feel sorrow for a world in which he loved?In which you had friends,relatives,lovers that you left behind?How can oneself

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disown his entire past just for a place in paradise?Is not wrong to deny your good side?If that was so,why did we have to polish ourselves,to draw together the positive part of our existence?We are requested for a thing just that afterwards to be asked to give it up,why?Is it logical to put everything aside,to dedicate entirely to God,when all your life you have been taught how to love,how to take to your equals,to nature?Why did nobody ask for all these?Just for the fun of God or for making our way through paradise even harder?A paradise that we wished only when we couldn't have stand misery,humility and the earthly untruths?A paradise that we ardently needed to exist almost as we needed our every day food?A world without heaven can be called paradise,father?" "I don't understand your theory,Sarah." "A world in which we had not known that Heaven existed,or better said,we had fancied it as a place with<<green lawns,mirific nature and a life without concerns and troubles>>,would have still existed on Earth the paradise of nature,beauty and love,which should eternalize with the paradise of the afterworld in the very moment of death?" "What do you clame,Sarah,that God didn't create the paradise?" "Absolutely not,father!I tend to believe that God had created a lot of other tings before he created the human soul,which was also a emanation of his predecessor,just like men have created Hell and Heaven!Undoubtedly,at the origin of all things stays God,but God involved himself only in the process of creation,afterwords,everything evoluated through determination from <<father to child>>,meaning from cause to effect,so that,finally,the effect itself turned into the very cause that would determine another effect and so on and so forth.I think that heaven and hell are just an invention of our mind,and the only way in which we can find the truth about this is in ourselves,not outside our personality.Now,how will something strictly positive continue to exist if the negative side disintegrates?" "What's your purpose in this conversation,nun Sarah?" "You were saing that when the time of death came,we should get in front of God as clean and dry as possible.Just like in that advertising for pads cleaner and drier. But in order to be clean,shouldn't we be filthy,at first?How can something positive exist without its contrast?Thus,where do we hide our hatred and vanity towards this miserable world?Where do we leave our anxiety of the moment?In God's arms,you will answer.Don't you think this is just another story in which not even 2 year children believe?Haven't those pure souls,with all their positivity have something negative?How would oneself be aware of his goodness,if he didn't ascribe to the negative,although he didn't resort to it?" "Sarah,it is one thing to ascribe to the negative,chasing it away,and another to let the negative factor live in our thoughts,will and love!" "Thus,father,hard as it may be to seek for perfection,it will always ascribe to imperfection.Would angels be so cherubic without the existence of demons?Towards who would they ascribe their brilliance?Any positive factor depends on its contrary." "That's right,Sarah,but this truth is as false as the illusive reality we are living in is." "Why father?" "Because we are tributary to the logic that measures our own illusion of life!Only now I realize better than ever,Sarah,what the factor that determines telluric suffering are.That is <<to believe and to know that we exist,meaning to be and not to be in the same time>>,said the father with an enlightened look. "That's right,father,but don't we have the notion of sel-knowledge from God?Leaving aside the stories related to the apple bitten by Eve,this is just a symbol.A

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symbol of an elder insubordination,from the beginnings of the world?If this insubordination had existed,why did God permitted us to procreate?He was aware that we would know what suffering would be like.For the lust of one woman should suffer the entire humanity?I found it exaggerated!" "God could not be so cynical,Sarah!" "I know,father,but what really happened in that crucial moment,when man aware of that, had entered exactly in the inferno of life?" "That is for us to find out,Sarah!" "Why did you remind me that logic measures our own illusion of life,father?" "The basis of our logic lie in two contraries,the positive and the negative or to be and not to be concomitently.Thus,in dualism,we are the slave of logical dualism.We can only think at this dual level,not at one of 3,7,a million,a billiard or at a level of infinite similar factors,like the positive and the negative,the good or the bad,the beautiful and the ugly.Everything is dual.Thus,our existence is subdued to dual logic and the illusion of factor has the 2 factor." "What does that mean,father?" "Imagine that beside the negative and the positive are 7,a million or a billiard of billiards of other factors just as the two that we can barely understand.In this illusion of life we are permitted to know only the facts that are or are not.Thus, to be or not to be. Not only we don't understand the other factors,but we will never manage to do,although we consider ourselves omniscient,but moreover,we are not even birthly programmed by God to understand at least one of these extra factors.We are not even at the level of a vegetable towards a man of science or a genius ascribed to the beautiful mind of a single spirit from a world where the 3rd factor of logic exists among the two ones of our mind..What if we compare it to a billiard logical factors' world,what will humanity represent,what are our true origins?" "There are people who operates with billiard of factors,do they know the Basic Truth,father?" "Absolutely not,Sarah!There is a great difference between a billiard and the infinite.Basic Truth can be discovered by the medium of logic that operates with an infinite of such factors.We haft to pass through so many phases,dear Sarah,to distinguish good from evil!" "I agree with you,father,only that beside good and evil,there are also a billiard of factors!" "Exactly,Sarah!" "Then,father,if the way to the absolute is so enormoaus and infinite,does Revelation have a place somewhere in this dual system,with the two contraries?" "Any extinction of one of the worlds is a new beginning,so the Revelation and the Universe are only inside us!Once we pass in the afterworld,the whole Universe we have explored for all our earthly life will continue to exist beside us,carried in our ancestral mind." Thus,the Universe will never extinct,not because we will keep it alive in our souls,but because he had never existed,only in a dream called Fate,in an existence called life,beside stars,flowers,galaxies,hatred,love,envy and many other until death.Listen to me,Sarah,the Revelation does not,and it will never exist.It will always be seen as a new beginning.During our life,we perceive it as a simple necessity,a sort of pier of humanity,on which we prop, taciturn and obedient,thinking that where a biginning is there will be an end.Because our birth stands for the beginning and our death for the end.We are too ignorant to realize that the concept of phisic and spiritual Universe will not get to extinction,because it had not even started in order to extinct. I am aware of the dificulty of this high level of thinking,but both the beginning and

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the end,seen from the perspective of the infinite factors of the astral and spiritual logic,bring to the consecutive annihilation of the two opposite factors,the beginning and the end. We can talk here about a non-beginning and an end in terms of an infinite of factors of the logic? Of course not! Thus, Sarah, as we dont know the difference between evil and good, as one of us want the eternal happiness without being aware what this means if we receive it! Can we know if the eternal happiness in Nirvana is good for us? "You are right, father, I think the Apocalypse id necessary for human beings, a template of these as they see God! When the Apocalypse wouldn't exist in their souls, they would become so desperate and alienated that they would need to frame up their own dream of Apocalypse only and only for the man that doesnt have the concept of end in his consciousness, becomes automatically distorted entering in a process of self destruction. We are living a dream that doesnt permit us to get out of its standards. All the same, father, why are we doomed to agonize during this dream that is our life?" "Why?" asked me the father while beads of sweat dripped on his forehead. "Yes, father, I want to know why! Why are we doomed top climb the Golgotha from the day we are born. Why are we doomed to become Sisyphus?" "In the Holy Bible, the Apocalypse is not the end of the world, but a new beginning. Even if one day there will be no day! The Earth, as the physical body wont exist in this form, but its dust will be spread through any corner of the Universe, bringing with it the poetry that was within the time without time, as a little souvenir of the Beauty of God that was admired by us, people! Even if our star, the Sun, will fade away and disappear incorporating in other galaxies that maybe werent witnesses of some love whispers or launches of artistic works, it will smile with its stellar dust from somewhere else lightening those that will know they are somewhere into another Universe! Maybe somewhere, somehow we will know why we fought our own life! All the same, this"somewhere, somehow" is inappropriate as we think depending on the temporality and spatiality dimensions and"there" these dimensions are useless". "I think I know, father, whom we owe the dualism in logic. This"to be or not to be" the contraries"positive and negative"? "Whom?" sister Sarah. "Space and time!" "Thats truth, Sarah. You are totally right this time. If together with the spatial and temporal dimensions there weren't the third dimensional factor, the dualism of our logic wouldnt exist and instead of positive and negative would be a third factor." "What should I understand, father? That the physical dimensions develop our psychical capacities, including logic?" "Yes, Sarah, but dont forget that the respective logic is the logic of life illusion!" "What do you mean, father?" "The life illusion is the one that divulges us the basic dimensions, that is space and time would be"physical" dimensions and in reality it is not like that. The space and time are dimensions as"Psychical" as our thought. These dimensions become physical only in the dream that we call so grandiose, life." "What can be the space and the time, father?" "Nothing more than ourselves, Sister Sarah!" "In a word, are we the space and time?!" "Yes, Sarah, we are the space and time!"

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"All the same, father, why do we feel as three-dimensional beings and not twodimensional? What give birth to the third-dimension in our life illusion? Why is logic based on to be or not to be, positive and negative and not on the third factor? It looks very strange to me that, instead of being two-dimensional beings, we are threedimensional!" "Thats true, Sarah, because we see the three-dimensionality only spatial and not temporal in our illusion in spite of the three times, past, present and future! There is also the third factor in our existence, Sarah, and we will be there, too." The third factor is the saint factor of life! We don't feel or know but a dimension of the temporality. We have the illusion of living in the present. Without present, the future and the past are useless as they identify one into the other, remaining only one temporal dimension. The present is the great paradox of the time in the Life Illusion. Although we are doomed to live only in present, this is the only one that we dont know and we arent aware of its existence! How big is the present before becoming past or which is the limit between present and future? Is it a second? A split second or nothing? In reality and not within the Life Illusion, there isnt present and this is not a border between the past and the future because the time doesnt"flow" but within our Life Illusion. The time is a dimension that is reflected in our Life Illusion, as we feel it, but in another dream. Time could be, as in reality, space or another factor that we cannot determinate since we are not"built" for this. This is as we would ask a flower to write and give theories on the theory of relativity or human genetic code. As the spatial dimension, it has only one dimension although we perceive it threedimensionally. The depth, length, width arent part of the spatial three-dimensionality, but of reality, they are only simple attributes of the space. It is very incorrect to state"the space with n dimensions" because the correct form is:"the spatial dimensions with n attributes given by the Life Illusion!" "I understand, father, but why do you perceive the world three-dimensionally and not two-dimensionally? Why do we"know" that there are those three attributes of the spatial dimension? Why three? "Of course there is a third factor, a third dimension together with space and time in the middle of which we are situated, but we cannot distinguish it with the our Life Illusion. "Thus, if we cannot distinguish it, it cannot reflect in our logic", I told to the father surprised. I couldnt believe that there were other people as profound as Sorin... "This is only a small part of the Basic Truth that we try to see through the Life Illusion, supported by the unconventional logic." "We are in a Universe or world where there are three dimensions, but we can only see two, the space and the time!" "This is true, Christine. We are in a Spiritual Level with three dimensions made up of space, time and another dimension imperceptible to our feelings." "Which can be this dimension, father? I dont expect you to tell me exactly, because we cannot distinguish it, but at least what and how do you think it would be?" "The space wouldnt have the three attributes that we call incorrectly spatial dimensions, time wouldnt be perceived as past, present and future if the third dimension or the third factor didnt exist next to space and time. Both space and time have three attributes each. Each attribute should be balanced with the number of dimensions as each dimension has one attribute of the other two and one fro itself. All that I can state is that the interference of the three dimensional attributes with

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each dimension is made at the level of time with the present attribute and curved space. Because we don't feel the third dimension, but we figure it out. This is the same with the present that, although we live it, we cannot determine its limit or existence but generally of an incredible virtue." "Yes, father..." "The future is a time more or less long that will become history more or less long, but the present doesnt exist in the Life Illusion. Thus, the past becomes future and the future becomes past. The third factor is the one that maintain the present in time." "But why curve to space, father?" "Because, no matter how much you chase the infinite, going far away from the point, you will come back to that point, eventually. This proves us again that the space has only one real dimension. The spatial attributes are part of the Life Illusion, of the dream we dream that is due to the third factor or the third dimension together with space and time which are in fact our life." "This is why we cannot perceive God, but we know the other two factors that surround Him, Time and Space. Physically speaking,the vacuum is the 3rd factor." "And psychically speaking,father?" "Mentally,it is what gives birth to life,but not the soul." "Incredible,father,so the soul is" "Yes,Sarah,our soul is imprisoned in this dimension!A dimension that we are forbidden to understand,to tuoch." "That means we will never obtain self-knowledge,father?" "To my regret,yes,Sarah!" "We are sentenced to be born and die in ignorance,father!What is our destiny in this Illusion of Life?" "This is the great destiny of humankind,Sarah!" "What happens after death,father?" "We leave behind the dimension of life in order to enter another one,depending on how <<ready we are>> to be accepted." "How come,father?" "We haft to accommodate with the Universe in wich we enter. For a dimension, superiour to the telluric one, we will surely have to relieve ourselves of certain negative aspects of our spiritual personality, but we may also enter a spiritual dimension without having our souls purified, which will make us feel horrible, because"there", we cannot have what we think we deserve for merit." Thus, God asks us to polish ourselves through goodness, generosity, in order to become better both with ourselves and with our fellowers. "Good Lord, help us! I said to him." "Yes,Sarah,God help us!Amen! Thats why we shouldnt estrange from God, even He is denominated as a Buddhist,Brahman,Islamist,Orthodox,Jew or as the other religions brought together.Even atheists heve their own God,and that is nature." "So,is God absolutely good,father?Is He that light at the end of the tunnel to which we hope to get?Much as we may want to belong to one religion,we lie ourselves because the human soul would get to self-distruction through its own consciousness,if during its ephemeral telluric existence he didnt aspire to an ideal.Thus,I truly believe in the sintagme:How many people,so many Gods!,although these other Gods are the multiple masks of just one God,simple interpretations reflected and sifted by each ones conscience,a spirit that desperately needs the Godlike Light." "So,God is absolutely good,father?God referes to everything that is kind,generous,loving,thus,everything that we wish to become or receive."

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"Yes,Sarah,God identifies Himself with the path to which we aspire,in order to be kinder,and to have our dreams come true.Thus,we have discovered the presence of time since ancient times.Then,we have attributed to Him other qualities,but,undoubtedly,God has many other qualities which we are not aware of." "Practically,father,we cannot entirely know the divine attributes of God,thus we cannot understand more than the dimension of the 3rd factor alows us,where we are caught as in a veritable trap." "You are right,Sarah,we are limited beside time and space,and we ardently need the presence of God,because our soul is born to be unlimited,and the divinity takes away from the infinity a grain of hope that goes beyond the present moment,and the smallest micron from the air,leaving us the impresion that we finally,will dive the ocean of bounlessness,from where the grain has been sent to us,so that our functions full of our existences sweat should chill aut with it in the desert of the words fire with the will to communicate and understand." "Consequently,father,the time and space,these two dimensions have given birth to the two opposite poles,the two contraries,the good and the bad,the beautiful and the ugliness,and so on and so forth?" "Exactly,Sarah!" If we had known the 3rd factor beside the good and the bad,would we have had a 3rd term?"" "The answer is in the Dimension of Life,which we are not permitted to understand.." "You refer to the vacuum that surrounds the stars and the galaxies,dont you?" "It may be so,Sarah!" "Thus,father,the 3rd factor,which is the 3rd dimension,actually stands for the Dimension of Life?" "Yes,Sarah!" "If we aspire to the positive values that we attribute to God,what exactly belongs to the positive and in what amount of time and space? Pysically,of course,because psychically,we know that the positive is perceived as being the good,the beautiful,kindness,love,etc. In change,physically speaking,we dont know what exactly belongs to the Divinity.We are sure about only one thing,father,that the"physical" point of view is the same with the"psychical"one,it is also a component of the Illusion of Life,but it is us who perceive it as" physical". "Everything has to belong to God,even the time;but also the space,the beautiful,even the ugliness,and,undoubtedly,the 3rd segment:the Dimension of Life!" "Then,why do we have a physical and a spiritual world,father? Why is the spiritual logic dual,trapped between the borders of the two posibilities:"to be or not to be",between to exist and not to exist,and the physical one is three-dimensional? I understood when you explained to me the theory of the 3rd dimension,respectively the Dimension of Life and why we are tributary in this life not only to time,space,and the two dimensions,but also to the Dimension of Life. Shouldnt the psychical world be as three-dimensional as the physical one? What is the role of God in the difference between these two worlds as illusive as the Illusion of our Life? What about the 3rd one,respectively the Dimension of Life?" "The Dimension of Life allows us to see and feel three-dimensional,but to think two-dimensional,as we depend on the two contraries.This mean that the Dimension of Life belongs to the the psychical Universe and thats why it is reflected in the physical

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Universe,which is a different world deprived of the dimension of life." "Do you claim that the physical world is not a component of our Universe?" "It is not and it has never been,Sarah!We only have the impresion that it belongs to our Universe,and we find it even more peculiar because we dont know our own Universe,and moreover,we refer to an unknown world with the notion of"Our Universe". "What do you claim, father,that all the existent stars and galaxies, and those that will be discovered, are not components of our Universe?" "They belong to the Universe,but not to our Universe." "How about rocks,buildings,trains,and others similar to those,which are inanimated,arent they part of our Universe?The lamp on this office, the telephone,all these?" "Absolutely not,Sarah,those are just notions with which the Illusion of Life operates.The telephone can be as well a typing machine,or the train an aeroplane,or an overflow canal." "I feel desolated, father!" "Thus, pray to God. Only He can truly help you in such moments." "Amen, father!" "Our human existence would have surely been different if we had lived in time or space defined dimensions. There, Life could have become Time or Space or any another thing, and we could have experienced this dimension that we are now trapped in; or then again, perhaps not. In any case, we cant imagine an existence where Life belongs to Time or Space. We dont even know if in a world like this, what is here call the Dimension Life would play any role, and what that role would be. I wish I saw a society in such dimension." "Some day, father, you might get to know one! I said to the priest, in a voice full of unexplained thrill." "And how do you picture this kind of society, Sarah?" In a world where Life means Space, maybe people are crystals; and if life is time, people are a simple gust of wind. Its a mere guess. I might be wrong, but still, if Im not?" "Could you be more explicit, Sarah?" "People living in Space dimension could feel or see Life dimension the same way that we feel time in our world." "So what youre saying is that for them, Life is Space?" "Thats right, father!" "Thats interesting, Sarah". "Maybe in a much different world, life would mean time or any other thing the existence of which we dont even know of." "And why do you think that?" "Because, since our soul has all these three dimensions, then in it can in fact cohabitate three worlds, and if for each dimension there is a world, then, father, that dimension becomes Life for those who"live" there. But, if as we already said before, the three dimensions mix together, then their worlds too must do the same. Us too, we might be plants or animals in those dimensions, and here we are human beings, though we dont know of us being plant or animal, because our conscience is present only in that dimension that for us means Life!" "I can understand now from another point of view too why, due to the binary logic of opposite things we live in the third dimension but are mentally trapped in in a bidimensional world." "So, father?"

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"There are three worlds in our spiritual Level: Space, Time and the third, our world. That is, only physically, because mentally speaking, there are only the other two, and our universe interferes with the three dimensions mentioned only physically and mentally only with two. In consequence, physically speaking, Life mixes with Time and Space dimensions as well as with its own dimensionality, but mentally speaking, it interferes only with the other two, without adding our own dimension, because that would mean we knew our destiny, our human condition, for which we are born and die, we would have learned the truth about us, thing that apparently would have ruined us to such an extent that the mental equilibrium of our own existence would have been so damaged that an existence like this had been impossible; and so, only because theres a hope that promises us that some day we wont be strangers of ourselves anymore, the lie about us, that is partly true was born". "What is then, the difference between the physical and mental world, when in fact they are both mental dimensions, subjected to the Illusion of Life?" "The difference is given by the relation of inclusion and interference between the factor of Life and the other dimensions which are also factors of Life,but for other worlds.It is a sort of principle of complementarity:"The outerspace"Life" can become time or space in our world,so can the"life" of time.What is essential is that one of the dimensions is superiour to the dimension of our"Life",which will be an attribute for the dimension he represents,and in the detriment of the other dimension.We speak about"physical"when the Factor of Life intersects with the dimension seen from the perspective of our"inferiour" world,but not when it comes of the"psychical" world,where,after the interference between the Dimension of Life and a superiour dimension,only two coordinates remain,and those are reflected in the psychical human world through the two contraries!The superiour Dimension will annul to the Dimension of Life the chance to reflect its existence as part of it or the inferiour one,which becomes an attribute of dimensional existence of space.All I can say here,is that this superiour dimension stands for the time and that psychical life of humans is influenced by time!Space only influences the physical life of people!" "Why time,father?" "Because at the interference of the Dimension of Life with space,the last one becomes three-dimensional thus to the Factor of Life,space itself and time.Here,in the physical world, time identifies with the dimension,through the fact that it atrributes to space the 3rd dimensional segment,but not in the psychical world where,in the case of the two contraries,,we meet only the time and space,without the Dimension of Life,which time doesnt permit it to be reflected in the THIRD contrary." "With all these,father,I am curious to know what you think the world of the space and time would look like." "These worlds also belong to the Spiritual Level of the ThreeDimensionality,Sarah!So,they are sort of similar to our world." "Do they have their own history and culture?" "Undoubtedly,Sarah,I think that these worlds are exactly like our." "Do they have differences?" "Yes,Sarah!" "And what might these be?" "I cannot give you an exact answer,but the fact that each one is bordered upon other dimensions different from ours,it means that some aspects from their existence are different." "Please,father,be more explicit!" "Our world is on the one side limited by the world of space,and on the other side

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by the one of time.On the other hand,each one of these worlds has another world as neighbour,which is a difference,because those too will intersect with the other neighbour worlds,so different from the Dimension of Life.All I can say,Sarah,is that one of them,the world of space more precisely,is inferiour to our world,because it becomes limited,altough it belongs to our three-dimensional level,with a twodimensional system of the world.The other world,of the time,is superiour to us,because it belongs not only to our three-dimensional level,but also to the the four-dimensional one,because of the interference with its neighbour.In contrary,our world might be at such sort of boundery and perhaps,exactly this thing causes the difference between the physical and psychical dimensions.Physically,we might have alredy entered threedimesionality, but psychically, we are in the two-dimensionality. Everything is posible, Sarah!" "I wish I could travel through these worlds,to feel their pulse,to undersatnd more than can be understood." "I wish I could do this too,but I dont know how." "When Destiny was alive,he once told me about Lama,a man that knew how to separate himself from his body in order to travel outerspace." "Thus,Sarah,everything is vanity." "Even geniality,father?" "I had known I had to come here and ask you to pray for Destinys soul.I had known that not only this aspect was essential,but,fistly,the fact that I would find an answer,and I didnt find it until this moment.It is the question I have just put :"is geniality also vanity?" Through geniality we understand the top of the iceberg,the existence of values and perhaps the unique escape from the core of the Factor of Life, from the Spiritual Level of the Three-Dimensionality. Only when you release yourself from here,the divine inspiration intervenes,the only one that can exceedes The Dimension of Life.Thus,the divine inspiration is VANITY? Under these circumstances,even God would be vanity,which I strongly disagree.Then?Where should the Afterworld be,in the 3rd dimension or in the 4th one? Or, depending on your personal evolution in the Dimension of Life, will you go for the one with 4 dimensions or for the one with 3?I dont know for sure, but I strongly wish I could find out.This may be the reason why I want to be taught how to abandon the celestial body. "Sarah, please remember, who was that Lama?" "I think his name was Den Zing, yes, undoubtedly, he was Lama Den Xing.If we want to meet him,we will have to go to Tibet." "Thus, Sarah, will you come with me?" "Absolutely, father!".

the

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Chapter 6
Somewhere in the valley, there were seen the clouds and the trace of the winds that shapes them like a potter, the earth that comes to life, out of the twist of the ancestral time, on the wheel of vanity. We are not far from lamasery. Once, this path was crossed by Sorin, too. Maybe he was, also, looking for an answer to a question he didn't know, just like us. The cold nestled inside me, similar to life that I have to bear since I was born. Other type of clouds, but higher, celebrates our arrival with a snowflake. Silver moss on the bold cliffs is powdered, here and there, with the welcoming whispers of the clouds. Weve left America for more than two weeks. Weve been crossing these mountains paths, together with a few erpai for more than a week. We could cover this ground in a day or two, but the old and sick father couldnt cover it but with long and frequent halts. We are greeted by a group of monks with tile-coloured robes that welcome us in the lamasery situated two steps before us, with a reverent bow. I know that father Mc Coulough has the face so red giving the impression that in the second moment will explode and he breathes harder and harder, but, all the same, he doesnt want another stop. He keeps step, as serious as he can do it, after the donkeys packed and framed by the serpasi. Finally, we are in the lamasery. I think it is for the first time when a high catholic priest accompanied by a nun arrives in this lamasery. The monks we pass by take a bow as a welcoming sign. We are served with a kind of hot drink. I figure it on the steam that goes out of the mug. Both the father and I we sip this liquid which I think it is a kind of tea, honey and yak milk. A monk said: Tsampa". I am sure this is the name of the drink. After sipping our Tsampa we are brought inside the temple. Once entered, we felt a pungent odour of flavours. It smells like musk associated with different perfumes, incense and myrrh, becoming more surprising and mysterious, as it was associated with the monks' incantations. I hardly see at the altar, right in front of us, the great Lama Tibetan Den Xing, the one Sorin talked once, this Lama that thought Sorin how to fight against the forces of other worlds to save Irenas souls. Lama beckons to us to come closer. Once, Sorin was in this temple. I dont know I keep telling myself this sentence. I cannot believe I am here to, today, years after his death, tohether with Lama Den Xing and the cardinal Anthony Mc Coulough. Two religions that meet, looking one for each other to distinguish a truth that, was probably, found by Sorin or maybe, just like us, he knew it existed, but he was looking for the question to find the answer. Both Lama and the Cardinal, met Sorin, one in life and the other none in death.

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"Welcome, says Lama, standing from the Lotus position he was in, slightly bowing his forehead and making room foe us to sit on the tile-coloured stools." "I am glad to have you as guests here. Just like, long ago, I waited to see Sorin. Lama ruminates for a few seconds, and then exclaims: Sorin! Yes, Sorin, because, definitely each person born or unborn and who died and who will die should be called Destiny because we all are a Destiny, no matter how much we want to escape or to hide by this nickname that we have to carry always because, talking all in all, we are Destiny ourselves and running from your Destiny means running from yourself! As I was once waiting for Destiny, I've been waiting for you now." "Do you predict the future, Lama? said the father looking towards a few aromatic sticks that burnt delicately as a thank-offering for the unbound Gods of a storm came form the heart of very faithful monk." "I know certain aspects from the future, said Lama rather irritated being aware of the fact that the father asks him for certain reasons." "In our religion, Lama, the predicators are not welcomed, I interceded, trying to mend the matters." "It is true, Lama, interfered the father, but, in this case maybe God Itself is the One that knows the future because we are looking for the answer at one question: - Is Geniality vanity, too?" I was in death Lama, but I came back in this world, to find a question and an answer. I found the question, but not the answer. I found out, Lama, that there are worlds in which time or space is the dimension of their live, and the dimension of our life in those worlds can be, at its turn, space or time." "Ive already known all these, father, said Lama in a different manner. You, as a priest, have another vision of life that I do. The After-life of your religion is totally different from our beliefs." "I was in the After-Life, Lama! interceded the father." "That is why we are here, Lama, because we want to understand if the After-life is the same, if the Genius in the After-life is reflected somehow or is lost?" "Nothing is lost, saidLama. Using the term of Genius, we mean that Creator that went beyond teh barriers of the normal reaching the sensational summits of reasoning many times irrational and maybe more than that, the insanity of the geniality..." "Do we truly know, in the Illusion of life that we live, what the geniality is as long as we dont know the Basic Truth or at least, one little piece of it? What if a mountain is a monastery or a cloud, and the rain a temple? What if in this moment, we are in a substation in a large city and not in a lamasery? We, dont even know who we are, how can we understand the geniality? Along our history we considered geniality to belong to certain illustrious creators. Were they genius? Even if their work dies along with the disappearance of the planet, with the death of the Sun or it bears down the worlds feeding the astral music of the Universe with its beauty? Before dying, Lama, I was different. I was nothing else, but a priest set in dogma and doctrines, but also liar and hypocrite towards all these. The true religion doesnt mean dogma or doctrines to conquer the power on the believers market. The true religion is not and cannot be an outlet or a car made out of money, fame and power. It is something else and this is what I couldnt find out not even in death. It doesnt matter who you were, but what you did and all this in case the After Life is not an illusion just as the Illusion of Life. I have to find out a tiny par of the Basic Truth and maybe that part will be the

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answer to the question, if geniality is vanity. If everything, but absolutely everything, including geniality, is vanity, this means that nobody and nothing can save this world from total destruction and thus neither the After-World would exist without Our World. Can the After-World be part of the Spiritual Level of the Three-Dimension, where the time of our world become space and the Dimension of Life become something else? Maybe that is why I am here. I figured out, Lama, that my whole life I did nothing else but love vanity, represented by positions, money, and many other things that made me forget that each moment is infinite more precious that the money I earned, or the positions, fame or power! All these because, with each moment I got close to death! Once you lost your life at the vanitys roulette, it will be lost forever. I would give anything to find out if we are born with our lives lost before being born, because, in this case, the After-World would have no sense, as the reward of your deeds has been already influenced before making them. I want to know if everything is lost forever for us or geniality is what saves us? If so, that whats the difference between the common people and the genius and whos the genius? Is the genius the vanity of common people? Is the genius the common people that augments both his qualities and their reverse, his contraries with his good and wrong transformed in peaks of icebergs within the ocean of knowledge, where the highest peak is the Vanity Massif that nobody, with his brilliant good and wrong, doesnt succeed in climbing it, watching from its base foe a time equal to the human kind? Who knows? I incline to believe that the genius is the sum of the simplest feelings of the common people. The further you are from these feelings in abstract, from these experiences, the further you are from geniality! "Than, whats the religion, father? said Lama in a soft voice." "The true religion is that which tells you if life is lost to the dice of the own Destiny by a certain Divinity, before you are born or not, becoming thus vanity. It is that which wont let you love the vanity, but wont let you love the damnation, either, or the life lost before or after being born. For the Christians, Jesus Christ is very significant, for Islam the Prophet Mahomed, for the Jews Moses, for Buddhists Budha, for Brahmans Brahma, for Egyptians Ra, for Aztecs Viracocha, for Mayas Quetzalcoatl, and the list could go on. I would like to find out which of these are located in other worlds? Were they let by God to be only in Our World with Destiny? What is Destiny?" "I will talk you to other worlds with me, said Lama. For this, you should exercise, maybe entire months, here in the lamasery." "I want Lama, more that anything", I answered. "It stands no reason for me", said the father, too. "What I havent tell you so far, is that I traveled in the worlds where the Essence of Life, that is, the third dimension, the Dimension of Life together with space and time, was as in Our World. I am aware of the fact that if I go beyond the Dimension of Life, I could never come back in Our World. I meditated to the alternative to try to go beyond the barrier that separates the Worlds with the Dimension of Life that contains the third dimension exactly as in Our World than the Worlds where the Dimension of Life doesnt contain this dimension as in Our World. In the end, I realize that my aspiration is to travel through these worlds although it is no turning back path. " I would like to pass the barrier, Lama, I said without a murmur.

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"Dont you fear the unknown? Lama asked me. "No, no matter how beautiful or fearful it would be! "I want to cross the barrier that I might have crossed when I came back from death." "We will see if the After World is somewhere, in a field where the Dimension of Life is similar as in this existence or in a field where time and space takes the place of a third dimension of Life of Our World. We can not come back from there and we would not know where we are." "I want us to choose exactly the After World", said the father. "Why?" asked Lama. " Why" said I mechanically. "Because the real answer to the question if genius is vanity or not we could find in there, in the first place. I could not be totally right in what I say, but my intuition says to look there." "Maybe we can find such an answer in the Beforehand World", interfered Lama. We will see if we succeed in entering in such a World or if we go astray, without a target in the Universe. We dont know where the Beforehand World or the After World are located. They could largely have the following pattern: Within the Beforehand World, the Dimension of Life must be made of the spatial dimension, and the After World of the temporal dimension of Our World. What I can say is that the Beforehand World is bi-dimensional, having as Dimension of Life, the spatial dimension, and the After World has four dimensions, having the Dimension of life made of the temporal dimension. Thus, we die in space to birth in Our World, where we will die to rebirth in time. "Maybe pain, as we know it also belongs to the physical Universe." I was impressed when Lama stated that the inferior world from where we come was the physical world that belonged to Space and Our World was nothing else but an intermediary world between the spatial and temporal worlds. This means that the stars with their stunning beauty as well as the planets are remains of Our World, of an inferior world that we passed through, and the Dimension of our Life since ever was the astral plasma! I dont know if there, we have the notion of temporality. It is so warm and nice in this room. It smells like quince. One day, a monk brought me some quinces that I put above the bed. Full moon sends its rays of physical body on me. Maybe once I was the Moon, too, maybe I was eternal, unknowing the time existence. How would I be in the World of Time where it will become Factor of Life? Would I be eternal as my life will be the time itself? I will see. Light, eh light, what is it? The Dimension of Life, from a passed world where the Moon is, sends me rays of light. All the celestial bodies are Factors of life in their world. I hope I will find soon the light love story. I sit on the bed. I don't see it as a bed, but as a launching platform. I watch the big, phosphorescent clock on the wall. Its nine and a half. Nine and a half, I keep telling myself as I wouldnt have understood and known the clock. Suddenly, an atavistic fear embarrass my thoughts, as a chain. I neednt be scared. We all owe the dream wager to whom the Destiny sold us, a death, sooner or later. In my opinion, it doesn't matter how long you live, but how you live. In a way, what I do is trying to dare my own death, to welcome it at the half dusty path of life and laugh in its face. I am so sarcastic sometimes, taking all in all, this miserable death is mine as well

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as the Past. It is my future. This is the future if each being: death, a rebirth? From time to time, the monks incantations break through the flavour of quince, accompanied by the wind crack that lashes into the window coming from the snow headed giants. From the next morning on I will be surveyed by monks to them to observe my death. Maybe I will be watched more days? Who knows how long I will be in Our World that, soon, will become That World for me, too. Even if I dont succeed in crossing the barrier of light, my body wont resist more than a week without food. I dont count that Ive been starving from now as on full stomach you cannot launch yourself in astral. I light a candle. I sit at the little mahogany table and begin to write my testament. I would like to be incinerated following the Tibetan custom. I feel no regret. I wanted to dare my own death, more than anything in the world, for love and unknown". Christine I cannot sign as Sarah. I dont know why, but it is something that holds me. It is so strange that in front of death Ive become Christine again who once wrote reports and kissed lingeringly, in an airplane took to Singapore, bound for Sydney. I try to put out the candle with a slight breath, but the rebel, flickering flame swings more, trying to mock me. I take it into my head and strongly puff out. It fades away on sight. Maybe, my life will fade away exactly the same: With ambition and strength! I try to chase away any emotion and any feeling of fear. How soon the time passes! Its already eleven and a half. I dont even know how these two hours have passed. Maybe I would have long lived. To live a life that I dont know what it is? That lives me, instead? What means this long"? A mare trifle, if we retrospect to the cosmic time, and in life we have just the illusion we live a tiny part as insignificant as it can be from the cosmic time as it, by its infinity, auto excludes from any millennium or billion of years as it, the Great Time retrospected to infinite, doesnt"flow". I dont know why, but it comes to my mind millions of years that are supposed to have passed from the death of dinosaurs. If Time as"flow" is just an appanage of the Lifes illusion then, this means that if it doesn't flow, it brings all the events of billion of years in one moment! This is Our World, the World of Moment! And yet, my life means nothing towards the time flowed" from the death of dinosaurs. It is so strange to give the name of World of Moment to a world where the Dimension of Life is not the time! Maybe because the World of Lie where everything is further from the truth, seems more truthful and everything that gets near it becomes untruth. The Moon hid off the window. Only stars remained, stars that tells their story about how they sent their light billion and billion years a long time ago, light-years, years of the traveling light that come to light this eternal light, but also traveling through the yearn of the light to find us above the times and tell us that these times, as we feel them, are only an illusion and nothing else. What would light look for in this future if not the truth? In this Universe of another" time? Than why the past of the stars is found in a long shot that is out present? A present that doesnt even exist, because between the Past and the Future there is no barrier, because the Past is Future as further as it is from the being, and the future is Past the closer it is to the being, and the being is nothing else but the Illusion and nothing else!

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The idea that the time flows" can also come from the interference with the other Universe, superior to us, with Our World. Is the Light the Essence of the Time of Our World? I cannot state it certainly. Maybe, once, I will find out, when time doesnt exist for my being, that what we feel here as passing, desuetude, ageing! There are three minutes left, Christine. You ought to calm down. You cannot launch in astral but in a totally calm condition, so that we should concentrate as much as possible to the moment of detachment for the body. Do I want to leave? Yes! I really want to leave! For love, for unknown! I want to go out of my physical body. I hear and feel on the same time more and more clear the music of the astral space. I feel I easily detach from my body that becomes colder and colder. I feel so cold. I want to detach. I hardly see it now inert, breathing mechanically, as in a state of hypnosis. I slowly lift towards the ceiling. I look at myself, maybe for the last time. I take off with the energy of my own desire and here I am above the lamasery lifting higher and higher. In the end, I order to myself to stop. I float and look for my two companion buddies. I cannot see anybody from the fog around me and not even a silver rope shining in my sight. Suddenly, I think I have one more way for turning back for as long as the silver rope doesnt tear apart. This is my only connection with my physical body and at every thought of mine for turning back, I can find myself again in my physical body. I see another silver rope now that lifts towards me. I hardly now see the being from the fog. Its Lama. We both wait for the father, but he delays. I think with fear that maybe the father cannot detach from his physical body. Lama tells my mentally not to worry, because the father has just said his last prayer and he is within the launching time. I think Lama was right, as I saw a silver rope. It is the Father. " We hardly now take the road", said Lama mentally to us. "God helps us", concludes the Father. "God helps us, I said. "From now on, I will tell you the next step that we have to do as I know the paths of times and spaces of our world. Later it will be a great unknown for me, too. Then, we will abandon ourselves to the hazard and adventure of the worlds and unknown. The next step will be to watch the planet from the space, maybe for the last time", said Lama. In one moment, I was in the cosmic space. "Look", said the father. "It is truly beautiful the image of the Blue Planet, covered with tens, maybe hundreds of thousands of silver ropes that link the physical bodies from other travelers in astral. Very strange forms, some even ugly or terrifying pass by. " Dont worry, they do no harm to you." Some forms are made by the old people of the worlds before our worlds, that the archeologists didnt even discover, other than the Egyptians, Sumerians or different people of the Pre-Columbian America. Most of them are creatures made of curse. We will dare the space now, and then, we will strongly take the time. "Our next stop will be outside the Milky Way", says Lama. We are all outside our galaxy. The hideous creatures disappeared, as well as the Planet Earth. I look at the galaxy from outside it and I cannot believe that I had this opportunity. I fell a ripple, accompanied by the astral vibration, as if I would be into the blow of the wind on a mountain top. I wish I could say something, but my mind doesnt find any word to express what I feel.

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"How big is Gods Work", says the father. "You are right, father," says Lama. "Lets go, say I without knowing why. Maybe I begin feeling that exhilaration to conquer the impenetrable and the unknown. "This time, we will make one of the most important steps, says Lama, that of letting the entire physical Universe behind us, to reach the border between universes. We are at the border between universes. I cannot believe that the giant physical Universe boils down to the size of a brilliant point and thats all, and around it, there are enormous curtains of light such as the Aurora Borealis that flutters as a welcoming flag at the border of the worlds. Here isn't day or night. "Maybe, here is the border between reality and the Illusion of Life", says the father. "I think so", answered Lama. "Whats next?" I asked. "I dont know myself, because Ive never been further so far," said Lama. "I want to continue the road, even if the physical Universe has become a tiny luminous point," I said. "Lets go", said the father. "the next step will be outside our physical world and it could be... "In death, within the After World," said the father, interrupting Lama. I hardly now feel the fear that, slow and steady, overshadows my exuberance to win the unknown. The fear needn't to be in my soul, no matter how much I will lose if I do the next step. Fear appears when you think you will lose something, such as health or calm and peace that can be replaced by extreme pain and sufferance, and so fear becomes more present. But when you lose your life? What does it mean? That I lose a life that I dont think it signifies anything with all its illusion. I had enough of lies and illusions. Any thing, as tiny as it can be, has it significance, no matter how big is the Universe or how small it has become now in my sight. When I see it so small and insignificant, I have the impression that my life worth a billion of billions of universes at once, but it is not like this. It accommodates billions of billions of years. It is for the first time when the Illusion of Life doesnt keep me tight in its belts and I can see that it is not the size that matters, but significance! "In that little bright point, there are billions of billions of extraterrestrial worlds, and others in times and spaces.""Everything is in that point, maybe less than the tip of a needle, maybe as an atom, but we can see it as it is bright", says Lama, and then he says again: " Now it is the critical step.""Let's cross together the border!" shouted Lama. "Lets cross it!!" we all three shouted. This time I have the impression that I am nowhere. I dont feel Lama or the father next to me. And yet, I am not afraid. It is a Universe of colors, red, orange, yellow, indigo, violet. It is in fact the whole spectrum of the light. One spectrum reflects in the other one and so one endlessly. Am I in a world of mirrors? I look around me and I dont see the priest or Lama. I lost even my silver rope. This time I cannot go back in my physical body. I am dead now! I dont know what time is on Earth? Here, it is no time! I know it, I feel it. I see

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myself, the one from the Earth, through these colors that reflect together with me one in each other endlessly. It is my physical body that remained on the Earth. I understand now that all I think of become image through these colors. I concentrate to Lama and the Father. I finally see them, but I am not sure they are really them. They both reverberate infinitely in these endless parallel mirrors. Where are they?! Nothing reverberates in the mirrors anymore. I think of the letters that form the thought, letters that reverberate endlessly. Lama! Father! I mentally shout as much as I can concentrate. No answer. The parallel mirrors reverberate any geometry that follows the image of spaces, of a representation. What doesnt has spatial image, doesn't reverberate at all. I think I am within the world of light that that bring into my sight one of the great secrets that the Illusion of Life has never emphasized: The space is born here! All our physical space is born by the thoughts from the World of Lights on the principal of parallel mirrors! But why parallel mirrors? Because, by reverberating one in each other endlessly, it creates the movement and the size from big to small. But who thought in this world before being physical Universe? I cannot find out this thing. I dont think Ive reached God yet! All I can say is that initially a thought arrived from God reached also this Universe of Parallel Mirrors that created the physical Universe. I feel myself as a Demiurge that stays in front of its work, that for not being alone, it is going to create it, retrieving in it. I am free to create my own world! I concentrate on a beautiful landscape, similar to that from Tibet, with great snowy mountain tops. All these appear in my soul. There are clear lakes at their base flanked by fir trees and springlike green grass. Everything is on a background of blue sky cut by the sun rays. The images reverberate one in each other. What could I do for those images not to reverberate anymore? I am jolly. I concentrate again on the images not to reverberate, to stay static as on the Earth. Suddenly, the images stays static, but even the flutters of the water in the lake are as in a photo. I wish the flutters became mobile. Yes, they begin to move. The fear has disappeared slowly. I am like in a Paradise. Maybe I am in Paradise, maybe I am the one that can create worlds! Maybe I am! Maybe I am... oh!, no, I'm not God, for sure, even if I gave birth to a world. What else do I have to create? A gorgeous cottage to take shelter, something else, nature, rains, snows, the fire, clouds, seasons, forests, animals. Maybe peoples? Lets try to create peoples. Should I create an Adam or an Eve? Should I be Eve? No, no way. Animals and birds, yes! They are always in Paradise because I dont think they are aware of their own existence or of their death. The animals transform life in eternity because they dont understand what death is. Man, once they find out, they exist, began to know, they did nothing else but pay their ticket to Hell, without any stop of the life train in a railway station. I want to create peoples that shouldn't have self consciousness, to live as animals, without being aware of death and its existence. A beforehand and behind world. I concentrate on creating a man, to look similar to my beauty male standard, that is Sorin! Stop. Stop, Christine! What if I fall in love with this man? As it is just a poor animal, he will not ask me to procreate or educate children! I am alone and I need peoples! And yet, I am afraid of

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them! Lets wait. I want to think more. I am about to enter the cottage! I see only impersonal spaces inside. I imagine the furniture that I wanted to have. No! I dont want any skyscrapers in this world! No, I dont want any Manhattan. The furniture has begun to shape. I sit on a chair. Oh, Ive forgotten something. I ceased to make it day and night, still every twenty four hours. Thats why I need an Earth that spins around a Sun that shines! Let it shine, light! The work that already exists! I want a Sun that lights the light! That is why I need a whole world where I will have to create the most important thing! It is Sorin. I dont want to lose this Paradise where I am the Demiurge, the chief, a sort of God! Why only a sort of God? Why shouldnt I be God himself? Oh, Im such a bitch sometimes? No, I am not God not at all I need some time to get used to this state of beatitude, of happiness! Yes, I need time, but I havent invented time yet, just day and night, but not time, transformation! I wish Sorin existed with his feelings and thoughts, but without his wish to kill himself. I think Sorin is the ideal man that I want! I would crate an entire world for him. Let it be Sorin, I shouted. Sorin is standing right in front of me. As if I hadn't met him in the airport of Singapore. "Sorin?" I whispered, but exclaiming. "Christine?" he answered. I feel like crying when I see him after such a long time. Maybe I wont say him a word about. .. "Its me, Christine, who crossed the worlds to meet you." "You crossed the worlds for me?" Sorin asked me. "Something like that. More spiritually", I said. He was as true as possible. I left my spiritual world, but not the physical one. "Ah, yes, you are right, Christine, he said, and then he looked in the window at the gorgeous mountains from behind of the window. Its beautiful here. I try to think when i got here! Are we in the United States, right?" "Yes", I said, as I didnt think it availed to tell him that, in fact, he wasn't in the United States, and not even within the Physical Universe where the earth was. "I remembered". I took the airplane from J.F. Kennedy. It was the flight from 3 o'clock. We touched at Clevland, and now we are somewhere near Denver, somewhere in Colorado, right?" "Yes, Sorin, we are somewhere in Colorado! I answered amazed at the manner his mind built an entire logical gear of events that should situate him somewhere stable in time and space. Sorin doesnt get that in this world there is no New-York or Clevland or Denver. Or maybe they exist because of him. Could he be a demiurge as myself? I dont know it yet. "Lets go on the bank of the river, Chris, says Sorin. Maybe we find a boat." "But we havent got here by boat?" I said trying somehow to blot out his wish to sailing. "No problem, Chris, we rent one! He has no idea that he is the only man beside me within this mental space, that I am on a planet with continents and cities. I ran exactly of the society, maybe that is why I am here, I dont want to create another society. Maybe a perfect society? Anyway, Ill think about how the perfect society should look like. "Lets go, I said. Should it be a boat on the bank! I said in my mind. The lake was situated at around five minutes away from home. "Look, Chris, how I didnt see this boat? Whom it belongs to? Nobody is here! shouted Sorin. "The boat belongs to the cottage where we live. I wanted to surprise you, Sorin!" "Thank you, honey. Lets go."

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Sorin jumps into the boat and lays his hand for me to lean against it when I put the leg into the boat. We wander from the shore. Sorin looks towards the tops of the mountains, then at the crystalline water that reflected those peaks. I think Sorin needs a society. Me, too eventually. That is why I will try to create a peaceful society, where the individuals dont know what the antisocial or bad acts are, such as: hate, envy, gossip, crime, blackmail, imposture, and other more. I want to create a perfect society, a society of love. I find it foolish to begin with two individuals, one Adam and one Eve to create a whole history of sufferance and despair and finally, after thousands of wars, crimes, rapes, hopeless and terrible diseases to reach a 21 century. If these peoples wake directly in the XXI century, they wont have history, past? What kind of being would be the one that has no past? Sorin has his own past. Maybe I made a big mistake having created him with a past. If he hadnt had a past, he wouldnt have been him, and I need him and I looked for him. He will feel ridiculous in a society where he would be the only one with a past, and the others would be totally amnesic individuals when talking about what you have done lately, or when were you born. They can have a past, but where only positive memories and not negative memories should be permitted. Great! Thus, I will create a society of happiness! Should the earth with the five continents be surrounded by the oceans in the geographic form I know. Be all the possible animals and plants that I know. Be all cities with their inhabitants existing on Earth. Peoples consciousness should be only positive. I want a perfect society, without wars, crimes, tortures, guns, conquests and everything that can lead to them to disappear. "Look, what a beautiful flock of birds!" says Sorin. "Do you like it?" I asked him. "I want to catch one, they have beautiful feathers, to see it closer, my dear." "how can you catch that bird that flies so far away?" "Eh, as if you didnt know. I think about it and I bring it in my hand," said Sorin. "Lets see it," I answered. Indeed, the bird gets closer and sits slowly in Sorins hand. "How did you succeed?" I asked him. "Love does everything", says Sorin. I am amazed at this experience. Suddenly, I hear a noise as a thunder and one of the mountain's peaks in front of me disappears. "What is going on, Sorin?" I said frightened. "Nothing bad. I've brushed it away to let the sun shine in your sight that I love so much." "How have you brushed away the peak of the mountains, Sorin?" "Thinking to brush it away and he did," said Sorin. For gods sake, is Sorin Demiurge like me? "If I think of a car, you could create it in reality?" I asked him feeling the fear insinuating in my soul. If Sorin is a Demiurge, this means he has the power to change the world, which means he can create an Universe totally strange to me, and two demiurge in the same world means Hell!! As any contradiction of the Demiurges, will endlessly deepen in the souls of the individuals that represent the society. Sorin can anytime include a negative side in the peoples soul that will bring them to sufferance. What have I done? I am

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within a world I have created............ and I dont know if this is what I wanted or not. I cannot believe to my eyes, I see a group of people that fly or levitate, I don't know. "What are those peoples doing?" I asked Sorin. "They are probably some tourists that are visiting the surroundings." "You havent answered to one question, Sorin." "Sorry, but I paid attention to something else, Chris." "If you think of a car, could you create it in reality or it would remain just a dreams?" "Of course it would be just a dream." But arent we God to create everything!"Whats up, Chris, we ask me such a foolish question?" As if you were a child who finds out the secret of the world." "This is me, foolish, sometimes, maybe I like to spoil myself alone, if you dont do it!" Sorin got close to me and hugged me, sitting on a bench me on his knees. "I love you so much, Christine!" says Sorin while playing with my hair and kissing me, and staying cheek in cheek looking at the romantic view. Its gorgeous, I said to myself for a moment, and then I remembered those supernatural things that man created by me could achieve. If only they knew I had created their world? Yes, it means that humankind exists, once I saw that group that levitated, than continents, oceans, cities, earth exist, too, together with the perfect society that I created. "I wrote for you the most beautiful love verses that Ive ever written." They are not literary, but mathematical, my dear, Christine, said Sorin whispering, as if he didnt want to disturb that beautiful landscape where we were, and all that after breaking down a peak of a mountain just to let the ray of sun light my face. "Tell me", Sorin, I whispered. "Variable of seven billion seven hundred seventy hearts with the quadrate roam of their love, do exactly..." I couldnt believe this strange behavior of Sorin. I've never known him as a force in mathematics or breaking down the mountains. Should it be a abnormality of this world? I think I omitted something when I created the world! Something strange and I have to answer as soon as possible. What gives them this power to destroy? Can each of them destroy this paradise that I created? "If you set your mind to destroy this planet, you would succeed, Sorin." "Of course, my dear." "And why nobody did it from billions and billion sod inhabitants? "Today is the day of foolish questions, Christine!" "Maybe a maniac would have liked to commit suicide and thus he would have destroyed the planet with him!""What are you saying, Sorin?" "I dont what it is to commit suicide, Christine!" Maybe it is the term to take your life away, but, you know very well yourself that is impossible, as impossible as it is to lie, kill or harm someone!" "You are right, Sorin." I have almost forgotten that I am in this paradise named Earth," I said. "Thats right, my dear, the Earth is a Paradise." "Then, why have you destroyed the peak of that mountain? For love? "of course, for love, Sorin continues. Everything that is destroyed for love is permitted! says he finally. "And why nobody destroyed the planet for love?" "I dont know," says Sorin. I hardly understand that the paradise I have created is in danger. It may be destroyed in any moment by the billions of individuals that have supernatural powers.

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Please, Christine, focus, I told to myself. Maybe I will manage to save the Paradise that I created and I don't want to leave it. I want to stay with Sorin. What can give to people this supernatural power? I think I have discovered! The populations on the other Earth used only a tiny part of their brain, the other one staying inert. I focus I say in my mind:"All people of this earth may not use but two percent of their brain. Be as those on the other Earth where I come from". "You said, Sorin, that you could move mountains for me, right?" I asked him trying to see if the transformation appeared in the structure of his brain. " I would like it, but it is just a word and nothing else. Who can move a mountain? says Sorin. "Do you think there are people that can levitate?" I think they are, some even manage to detach a few inches from the land. "I think I saw a group of tourists admiring these beauties and levitating at tens meters high, Sorin?" "I dont remember." Maybe they had parachutes. Man cannot fly by himself. Why do you keep asking me such foolish questions?" "You are right, Sorin, man cannot fly by himself, I told him, and then I asked him: "Do you cry God?" "Who? Said he inquiringly looking at me. "God", I repeated. I dont know what are you talking about," he answered. "Dont you go to church from time to time?" "Christine, if you want to joke, joke, but not with all these terms that Ive never heard about and I dont understand them." "Church, dear Sorin, you pray to God to give you happiness, health, wealth, to save you from grief, to forgive your sins." "Why praying for happiness since I am happy, health, maybe I have because I dont know what means not to be healthy..." "Sick, I replied. "Sick? Says Sorin. Ive never heard such thing, and grief I dont think someone on this planet has such thing." "Because you dont know what sin is?" "I have no idea what sin is." Tell me, Chris! said Sorin inquiringly, but surprised in the same time. "Sin is when you do something bad. If someone does you harm, then he commit a sin", I told him. "Ok, but nobody did me any harm and I couldnt do any harm to anybody." I really created an almost perfect society. A society that doesnt know the sin, the pain, the sufferance, it is a society that doesnt need church. Church appears only when sufferance, pain and despair speak the word. I created a society without negative factors, a society of good that doesn't need an Adam or an Eve, but, especially, a Cain or an Abel. Could it be better not to know God? "Who do you think, Sorin, that created this world?" "What do you mean by who?" The world wasnt created, it created itself, existing forever, Christine." "Why dont you fish, Sorin?" "How should I fish?" I dont have an angle", he told me. "Look in the cottage, you may find one there." Sorin is going to the cottage. I look at the gay waves that strike the boat at each second, creating a specific sound in the absolute silence we are in. Sorin appears with three angles, smiling to me.

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"When you kill the fish, dont you do any harm, Sorin? "The fish doesnt know he will die." He is not aware of the death as man is. "Is it all right that man knows the death, Sorin?" "If he didnt know it, he wouldnt find it", says he. "If he didnt think, he would be eternal!" I answered. "If he were eternal, he couldn't love!" says Sorin, coming toward me and kissing on one of my cheeks. Than, this means the fish in his feelings is eternal, but not the man! I said. "Of course, Chris." When man is aware of his existence, he knows he will die." "Do you think the fish doesnt know it exists, Sorin?" "No, Chris. I think it lives a present without future and past, as well as most of the animals. Although it is considered that some animals have memory, I dont believe in it, I the sense of a memory such as mans memory, but maybe a hybrid of the memory that functions more as an automatism than a real memory. The starlings recognize certain persons, they can be educated, and their memory exists only on certain coordinates that care doesnt give them self-consciousness of existing before death! The vital instinct is something else and it cannot be compared to the memory, but, especially, with the self-consciousness. The said memory of the animal is part of the vital instinct of the body that is acute enough to animals as it will avoid anything that could take its life, that is why they can know certain smells, they have sharp look, they suffer when they are hurt, recognize certain persons, but this doesnt mean that those persons come from a past similar to man's, but they are known from a present in another present for animals. "When do you think, Sorin, that man got self-consciousness?" "When he understood that time is not only present, but it would contain both past and present." "It is true, Sorin." This is what I believe, too, but what I want you to know is when exactly happened such a mutation. Maybe in a past more or less far away? Maybe man lives an Edenic life for as long as he knows the present!" "Edenic, repeated Sorin. I dont know what edenic means, he said looking at me attentively." "I dont remember well myself, for where or in what context I heard this term", I said, so that for the moment, I shouldnt have any motivation to tell him about the myth of Eden, of Paradise where Adam and Eve lives once. Here, in a world where everybody is happy, I don't see the point for an Adam and an Eve. Finally, I told him: "I think the Eden means something you are not aware of or something you dont know, Sorin." "Ah, yes. You are right, Chris. For as long as man didnt know the past, he lived in an Edenic world because he didnt know it. Right, Chris?" "You are right, Sorin." In reality, he had the whole love in the world, but he understood it differently than I did. Do you think, Sorin, that man changed a lot when he got self-consciousness? I asked him as I wanted to find out at what level was Sorin, an inhabitant of a world where there are no bad things, but only good things and happiness. "He changed as he is aware of the past, but this doesnt mean that he is more happy than the man that knows only the notion of present. He is almost identical, but smarter with one second that he recognizes as standard for irreversibility, Christine." "Where will we go after death, Sorin?" "After death? He answered thoughtfully, and than said: Death is nothing else but an extension of life. You, as a person, will be aware of dying, but only the persons around you. I believe that the spiritual energy of life stays after death, too as extensions

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of a dream that we dream in the starred nights when the eternity lays slowly and passionately in our thoughts and wishes. I dont believe in a continuous death." "What about the self-murders," I said. "What? Said Sorin. Ive never heard such term." "What about those persons that want to make away with themselves?" I asked him. "How can you talk like that, Christine? It is exactly as you would state that man can move mountains! said Sorin observing me with an amazed but affecting look. "You are perfectly right, my dear Sorin." Ive created the world for more than three months. I slowly realize that the man beside me, created by me in Sorins similitude, but as behavior upon my wishes is in fact more and more a stranger to me, more artificial. What a terrible paradoxe! To become a stranger towards your own creation. This Sorin in spite of his physical similitude with the"original" he is nothing else but a hybrid of what i would like him to be. I creted him upon my pattern from the point of view of the soul, of what I realy wanted from the true Sorin and, more than that, how I would have liked him to be. My own creation. A stranger to me! I feel like this paradise I am in, runs out of my feet and becomes a sweet hell. Whos the devile? My own creation, made upon the wish of my soul. I gave what I had best in me for Sorin, all I would have ever wanted from a man and, especially, one like Sorin! How can I back out of this situation? To create Sorin with the imperfections of the original, imperfections that I hated?! Do we, man, come to love more the imperfections of the our mate than his qualities? Sorin, this creation, my creation, has onlu qualities, and no imperfections. That is why I will come to hate him? Not to accept his perfection. I hardly now realize that the connection between two life partners is not heir qualities, but their imperfections. The true Sorin would have talked to me about suicide as of a salvation, about death as of another world and not as an extension of this world and of God, as of an architecht and the true Demiurge of the Universe! Maybe I need God. The suicide and the After World! Maybe I need the imperfections of my life partner as I need Heven, Sin, good and wrong. Then? Should I change this perfect world! No way! I coulndt afford to lose Sorin again. Id rather have all this anxiety and inadaptation then losing Sorin again. Why shouldnt I try to adapt to this Universe, to this world? I would do nothing else but adapt tp myself. Me to adapt to myself? Is it possible? Why not? I should put aside what I dont like about me for this. For example, sometimes I dont like about me that I am lazy, a little selfish, full of taboos, moods, nervous, I like to sail in life beside a husband that for me, becomes a symbol of all-giving to grasp at his heart waiting for the years to pass. It would be more. Toughness, lack of tact and the desire to be admired. Maybe this last imperfection is found to most of the women, much marked than to men, as to be admired for beauty. I just realize that the true God is above dogma, above doctrine that split us in good and bad, because we created it on our standards, as I created this world, too! The true God is above Church, above any acknowledgement, because God doesnt pay any respect to Church only through us, being a way for some, a ray of light toward absolute. We were those that understood God with the help of Church because the Church represented our feelings transformed in dogma that brainwashed the population and nothing more. God exists outside the Church for all those situated within the dogma. Dogma, no! The fact that some of us feel God closer to us through Church doesnt mean that it

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is in Church that we will find God for all the people! He was felt there only by those that could feel Him there! For the rest of the people, God is not within the respective church anymore and not even within the respective doctrine. Maybe some of them joined in another doctrine or another cult. Others in no doctrine or cult. The true God is outside any dogma or church. We are the church, while God is outside us even if we feel Him as part of us. When God is part of us, this is mirage of the mind because only in this way we can get close to him and also to our ancestral origin. To try to build the church here is like I want this people, perfect in my opinion, feel God upon my standard, sometimes through dogma. I dont think it is good. It is true that I have moments when, in the middle of this paradise, I feel like going crazy and I call the God of dogma and doctrine of this people to join in the humiliation of carrying I dont know what original sin or to keep praying for one of their right, that of being born in the harmony of the true God! I recognize it is very hard for me to bear all these, because beside dogma that I can try, it is also the harmony that exasperates me, making me wanting the original sin, but if possible more for me and not for those in the world created by me. Every time I walked to the back streets of Manhattan, that one were real brooders of crime, violence, drugs, and now are oasis of peace, happiness and good-understanding. I fell like telling me that I have created this world, I am its God, and than asking me: Why the God that created my world let together with it its misery? Why? Could it be difficult as I felt it was to bear the welfare, happiness and luxury of the souls? Couldn't I managed, and finally, to linger up to exhaustion for the negative items of a Sorin that came into my world from who knows what malefic world, maybe more malefic than the world I created and where I was born? Should the God of my world walk on the streets, as I did into the world created by me, where people are respectful, smiling, doesnt want to know what bad signifies and it is not even genetically programmed from that!? Why in my world the Creator, God let the malefic deluge the streets? Could He come from a world where the malefic dominated? It dominated so much and He couldn't imagine a world without him? Of course, I am only the creator of this world and not God. As Demiurge of this world I have a Demiurge myself! Maybe in the world I come from, its creator walked off-handedly on the street, as I do in this world. Maybe, sometimes, I met him face to face, maybe we smiled to each other, maybe he was in traffic and in the crowd, we called each other names or maybe he was a beggar asking me some cents, pity. He could be anybody! It is so strange to think that every man around you can be the creator of the entire world where you were born, that he can be much younger or much elder than you, that the entire history that you learnt in school doesnt belong to the millenniums and centuries of your world, but to another world! To a world that doesnt even exist on the stellar map of the Universe you know, and the only connection between the two worlds, it is the ray of light that faces the times bringing from the furthest time into present even the stars dead for a long time, where they come to their ancestral life after the death happened billions of years ago. What is the strangest is that any soul that reaches the space of the parallel mirrors can create a new world, even identical or different from the one he comes from, a world that can exist at level of millions of individuals as a structure, history, art, ethnography, culture, that not even it doesnt belong to itself. I think that the world development level depends on the intellectual ideatical development level, of that world creator. It is obvious that a person whose culture is much to be desired, with minimum or inexistent knowledge in fields as geography,

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literature, history, will create a world to find his level! An air-mongered, refined person will create a Universe according to his own Universe. What happened if the creator of my world would have been an unaccomplished person? As we evolute from the Stone Age or a refined person with special knowledge that creates us not only with a great past, but he did create us a future! Did I create a future to this people from the world I made? How do they see future? The future of this people is part of my knowledge, of the ancestral knowledge of my Ego? This is what I succeed in finding out so far. In this moment I am driving my jeep on Five Avenue trying to understand how this people see the future in order to understand better the Creator of the world I come from, this creator that could give birth to my entire past of forty years with one hour before my decorporaliza into my ancestral travel! No matter how strange it will be, but the entire world I come from, could be born one hour before I died! The entire history, both mine and mankind's, should not be anything else but the history of another mankind, as this mankind I have created has part of the history of the mankind I come from. Analyzing the future of this mankind I have created, not only I will understand the mankindd Creator better, but maybe I will meet him! Today, Friday night, the whole Manhattan is overpeopled. Its week-end. The confetti and souvenirs sellers are seen all over the city. The most diverse colored ads, accompanied by many people that celebrate the beginning of the weekend, take your breath away. No matter how crowded the traffic would be, nobody worries, nobody swears, all are relaxed waiting for their turn to the signal light. Nobody gets drunk in the restaurants, and there arent drug people on the streets. What a perfect world I have created, I said finally to myself. Suddenly, I applied the brake instinctively. I am on the 25 street, where I lived in my youth. I must be an illusion, I said to myself! It cannot happen something like that. I had the impression that I saw myself at the age of seventeen. I was wearing the Radcliff college uniform! I pulled right and stepped out of the jeep. I was lucky I found a parking place immediately. I hardly see that girl walking along 25 street. A few hundred meters and I reach the house where I lived during that period. I run towards the possible Christine, towards my possible past. I am on her back and I ease down. I dont know what should I ask her. Anything, it doesnt matter. For Gods sake, maybe it is not me! When I get near that girl, I ask her how I can get to Maeys, a store that is or was around during that period of my life. When I look at her, I cannot believe. Its me, from another world talking to me from this world. She explains me how I can get to Maeys. I cannot believe! It might be a dream. "Arent you from this city? The young lady asked me, I mean me at a certain age. I asked myself to another age or my past asks its future? "I was asking if..., repeated the young Christine. "I know, I answered after a short hesitation due to emotion. "No, miss, I am not from around." Thank you very much... the young lady was anot to leave, and I said: "Are you at Radcliff?" "Yes, how would you know?" she asked me. "At my place, in Brooklyn I know some one that has the same uniform as you do." I heard it is a good collage!" "It is said so", said my past.

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It is so strange to talk to yourself from the past, twenty years ago, and you, as a future to know who you are talking to. Besides, your past should be blind, not to realize that, on a simple coming back home in a regular day, me, Christine, the seventeen years old pupil I met Christine, the forty years old woman! Why am I in double copy and younger, but mature in this world? Maybe, as during the creation I belonged to another age and world, it was normal to be tributary to that age and world, but, in the same time, being a world reflected from my spiritual world, it is also normal to be here as the younger Christine. Why Sorin is at the age he committed suicide in the other world? Why is the world created by me in my future, I mean after my death in the other world, a world of my past? Maybe that is why the stars that died billions of years ago shine although they had died for the same billion of years? Running towards the future we build our past, and running towards the past, do we create out future? "It is nice in this part of Manhattan. Once, in my youth, I lived here, I told Christine from the past, thinking that I have created the new world into my past. "I think it is cloudy, lucky with Central Park!" "Oh, yes, you are right, Central Park is close", I told her. "My name is Christine", I told the young girl. "Christine?" she answered amazed,"My name is Christine, too". I look straight into her eyes, something woman to woman, it is strange. Maybe without wanting it, maybe this was what I wanted, I dont know exactly. I need to tell her, to call out that I am her future, that I have created the entire world! She will think I am mad and than, why should she know how she would become? The true beauty of life is the incertitude of the future. She wouldnt believe me. The young Christine moves her eyes shyly. "What a resemblance, madam. We have the same name, repeated the girl, in an amazed way, but more for herself. I dont know why, madam, but I feel like knowing you from somewhere, I might see you somewhere." "I dont think so, Christine, or maybe we met by any chance, somewhere, somehow, who knows? I answered, while a cold feeling got through my body. "You are right, madam, I think so, too. Do you live in NewYork?" "Yes, in Brooklyn", I answered. "In Brooklyn? I have an aunt there where I am used to going from time to time, once or twice a month, the young girl said. Christine told me about aunt Hatty, as dad nicknamed her, because she never separated from a little brim white hat, that seemed like being more for man than for woman. It is true I used to going to aunt Hatty that not only made the best cakes in the world, but she also has a beautiful reddish tomcat. The future in the past of this girl is the creator of her world! And then, which is the future of this world? My past?! "I can give you my phone number in Brooklyn, and when you pass by, you can visit me, too,"I told the young Christine. "OK. Whats the number?" Said Christine opening her bag and taking a pen and a piece of paper. I gave her my number. "Call me anytime you want. If I am not home, the phone machine will answer and you can leave me a message."

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I hardly notice that my phone number has something in common with Sorin. His birthday is November 25th. Days passed by up to an afternoon when I received a call from Christine, announcing me she would pay me a visit together with the tomcat Fred, which is as quiet as it can be. I give her my address and after a while, Christine appeared in the door step. I couldnt believe when I saw Fred after all this years. "I am glad you came, Christine," I said to the girl. "I wanted to see what were you doing". I was bore and I said to myself that I was not a bad idea to pay you a visit. He is Fred, and she showed me the tomcat she held which had a red leather leash on its collar. "Hello, Fred, I answered, wanting to take him into my arms. "No, you cannot do it, because Fred scratches the persons he doesnt know. But I couldnt stand petting the old Fred on his crown. A sudden paw traced a red line on my hand. "I told you it scratches, Miss Christine." "I am sorry I didnt listen to you. Tell me Christine", I told her. "OK. We are friends from now on, Christine," says the young girl, in fact, myself. How beautiful it sounds! I am friend to myself. I was to aunt Hatty that asked me to take Fred out, and than, I thought of calling you." I told Hatty that your name was Christine as mine and that in your youth you lived on 25 Street. "And what did Hatty say?" "To be careful with people I dont know." "Very well, Christine, I think she taught you right." She is a little frumpish Hatty, but, sometimes, she knows how to be pleasant." Oh, airs of..., considering myself to be the center of the universe and talking about everybody with a sort of superiority and condescendence. "What else did Hatty tell you", I asked her just to ask her. "Well, she told me how she was invited to a old woman she met in the gas station when she filled up her antique clunker that still works." I think Hatty inherited it from her dad." "And?" "She told me the old lady read in the cup of coffee." "Coffee? I looked surprised. "And she told her that Fred would die in a terrible car accident." "And when did the old lady read her?" "I think two weeks ago." I was speechless! It was true, Fred was going to die in a car accident on July 3rd. I remember even now that date that remained ingrained in my mind. I dont remember the year, just the date. I think I was seventeen by then. My God, I can be the old lady that read in the cup of coffee of aunt Hatty! "Can you tell me, Christine, what else did the old lady say?" "That today, at seven oclock in the evening I will be at the crossroad of Longley Avenue with Hamilton Street together with Fred." "Why? I asked her almost shivering, because I knew Fred was going to die in that crossroad. "She said to Hatty that there I would find my future." "Did she say something else?" I asked Christine. "Yes." Do you want to come with me?" "Why?" I asked her. "I think it is an oldish piffle, but still what if is there something?"

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"What day is today, Christine," I asked the girl as if I didnt know. "It is Tuesday," she asked me. "No, I want the date, I said, as if I didnt know what I was going to hear from somebody elses mouth that could give me a new date. "Today is July 3rd." Dont you know that tomorrow it is July 4th, the USA day?" "Oh, yes, I am so forgetful!: I answered with an affected indifference. On July 3rd, at seven oclock in the evening, Fred the tomcat was going to die in a car accident. If Fred doesnt die, I think both my future and that of this world will change! "Lets go, Christine," I told the girl that had visited me. I looked at the watch. It was six and twenty three. I knew it was no time to lose. "Lets take my car," said the young Christine. "Wed better take my jeep." I want to drive. "OK, says the young lady while caressing Fred. I felt to pity for Fred. I cannot stand that in a few minutes Fred will die. I love this tomcat. I sighed for his death years and years in the beforehand life. How can I save him? I cannot find a solution for the moment. If Fred doesnt die, this means the future will change and then this world might be destroyed, maybe I dont know exactly. All I know is that there are only ten minutes left till the crossroad of Langley Avenue with Hamilton Street and I am running into the future at maximum speed. "I see you like driving fast, you need adrenaline. It also happens to me sometimes", says Christine to me, and then she addresses to Fred:"See, Fred, what speed means!" Buildings passing beside you faster and faster. Like in a merry-goes-round that spins and spins until your head turns, until all that is around you become a straight line. "Fed likes the merry-goes-round." I take it sometimes in the park", continues Christine. I feel like going crazy. I dont want to bring Fred to death. Five minutes left, five bloody minutes that flow as scrupulous as the others before them. I hear a deep, solemn clang of the horologe and I feel it in the same time. Instead of entering into the intersection of Longley with Hamilton I pull right the wheel, entering on a side street. I stop the car and go next to Christine towards the respective crossroad by our own feet. I cannot believe. The crossroad was very crowded. Some curious people gape to an accident. I look at the watch. That minute have run for at least ten minutes. I saw a old lady laying on the asphalt. Next to her, a car with traces of blood on one broken light. She was surely stroke by that car. I looked at Christine. I saw her holding Fred that is safe and sound. I go near the old lady laying dead on the asphalt. I horripilate. It was me, as I would have looked thirty years after. Christine asked me if the old lady had died. I dont know what to say. The doctors came and feel her pulse. "She is dead", says a man to a woman, probably the nurse. She is dead, she is dead, these words keep coming to my mind repeated into a gloomy echo. I turn towards a man and ask him: "Have you seen the accident?" "I didnt, maybe the lady, and he showed me a woman in her fifties. "Yes, I saw it", she said, hearing my discussion with the man: "How it happened", I asked. "Terrible", said the woman. The old lady jumped in front of the car although the lights indicated the red color. "She jumped?" I asked knowing that there isnt the term"suicide" in this world I created! "I think she tried to take her life away", the woman tells me. "To take her life away?" I repeated more than amazed, without believing that

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people began to be aware of the term"suicide" in this world. I knew the woman beside me would tell me she wanted to commit suicide. "It happened half an hour ago." The church horologe indicated seven oclock. Some old people, reaching an advanced age, feel too lonely, too hopeless. Maybe they dont have anymore the friends and the close ones from the family, maybe the children forgot them and they reach the conclusion life is pointless and they commit suicide", the woman tells me. "Maybe it is so", I said without being able to explain to myself what really happened so radical in the world I had created with so much hope for good. The fact the tomcat Fred lived or maybe I wasnt into the world I had created anymore, but in a world created by someone else half an hour ago. I realize now that Fred wouldnt have died even if we had brought him into the crossroad because I heard the church horologe beating when I stepped out of the car and, thus, it was five minutes before my hour. Church? Am I again into a world with churches, with God? "Lets pray for her soul", said the woman while moving away. "God bless her", I say. "Poor old lady", says Christine holding Fred, without knowing that the old lady killed in the accident was nobody else but her tens years away. People left. It was only Christine and myself. "Lets go, Christine", I said to the girl while a gale of wind moved a piece of paper away from my feet. It looks like a hand writing, with red ink and somewhere in the corner, there was a signature, something like"Christine", or was it an illusion? I bow and take the piece of paper where it was written:"I am the creator of mankind I lived in until you committed suicide together with Lama and the Cardinal. I am the one that once made the Earth with its history, with seeable and inseeable. You live in a world created five minutes before I died". And in the right corner it was written with uppercases:"CHRISTINE". The future of the future is the past. I died one in my past at the age of forty one, the second time at more than seventy years old, and i am only forty one. I suddenly woke up in a world with churches, a world where people look for God within the walls of the churches. This means that I am already in a world where sadness and sufferance exist, a world which was five minutes after the world created by me. It means so much these five minutes! What kind of Christine did this last world create? Why did she commit suicide so horrible? "Let's go, Christine, I said to the girl. We go towards my jeep parked near. I cannot ask myself again:"how old is Christine that hace created the world we are in and how did she come to create it?" Fred began to purr."Is Christine the one that created this world?" It couldnt be anybody else. The old Christine that died couldnt create her own Universe if Fred didnt die. Was she waiting for Fred for the sacrifice? No, no way. If she had waited foe him, she wouldnt have committed suicide. Then why did she take her life away? Why did she tell aunt Hatty that the girl next to me would see her future in this crossroad? Her suicide gave birth to the church in this world. It is already a world of self-murderers. I accelerate towards home. Another hasty driver crosses my path swearing. It is the first swear I hear in this world. "How swears that guy", I tell to young Christine next to me. "Maybe he is hooked on", she answered. "Hooked on?" I repeated surprised, thinking how fast the world changes. "Yes." You ca rarely see a man that didnt get some grass in his life. Come and see

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what it is in Radcliff. In break times, most of them disappear in the toilets to smoke grass. "It is awful", I say, how it can be possible?" "How can it be possible?" Maybe you didn't take off with your feet on the ground and you are in another world", says young Christine. Another world, I keep saying to myself in my mind. Yes, it is really another world, a world of desolation, disorientation that I left sometime together with Lama and the Cardinal Mc Couldough. The just now world has disappeared for more that an hour. I hardly sneak through the agglomeration full of curses, buzzers and shrill lights lit urgently in full day. It is eight oclock, but being in the middle of the summer, the sun is still on the sky. Another sun than the one shining an hour ago, a sun of another world. I suddenly had a glimpse:"Why am I conscious of the worlds change? No inhabitant is aware of that. Why did Christine from my future commit suicide in that accident? Just because she felt pity for Fred? I dont think this at any price. Then? How did she get into my world and why did she change it? I will find it some day! Whats this age! I look at myself in the rear view mirror and I see myself still young. Is this way age can change you? Will I be so dead? We pass an old church. The young Christine crosses. If I had asked her two hours ago what she knew about God and religion, she would surely have looked at me strangely, saying that she had no idea what I was talking about. I have to see aunt Hatty. I want to learn every thing she knows about old Christine. "Do you want me to let you at home, Christine?" "But it is far away, you should cross East River and in the evening it is very crowded on Brooklyn Bridge. Id better take the subway." "Id like to ride for a while. Ill talk you home, if you want to, I says to the girl. "OK, if it is difficult for you, I'd like to. I really need to ride. I ll go to nowhere anytime just to have where to come from." "We have forgotten about Fred. Lets drop at aunt Hattys, my aunt, I let him there and then we can go on with our travel. "Id like to meet aunt Hatty, I said to the young girl, that smiled telling me: I think she would, too!" I was sure of that. Hatty was that type of woman very sociable who liked to talk for hours. Maybe because she was lonely, who knows? Her husband died years ago, I mean when I was two or three. I remember him only from photos. What if Hatty recognizes me? I dont think so. She died when I was seventeen years old, and having young Christine beside me, I dont think so. I havent seen this house for so long. After Hattys death, this house was going to be demolished. I look at the ivy that covers it largely. I suddenly feel like shouting from the bottom of my heart: Why? Let it be the world without sufferance, without pain and daily torture, let it be the world I created! To stay in this non-demolished house with ivy and aunt Hatty. Then I feel like asking the young Christine: "Do you believe in God, Chris?" "What a question, of course I believe in God." In my perfect world, there was no God, because He wasnt needed. Then, yes! I cannot change anything. I knew it in the moment I saw myself committing suicide around the age of seventy. Why did I try to change the world again? Because of the hope that maybe, maybe, I will succeed again although I was aware that I lost such power. In spite of all these, the world I created had become a sweet hell, a hell I should need now. Here appears Hatty in front of the door. I feel like screaming and hugging her, but I have to be as cold as possible, in order not to reveal the least suspicions.

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"I brought Fred home, aunt Hatty. She is Christine, my friend. Her name is Christine, too. What kind of friendship can it be between a young girl and a forty years old woman I cannot imagine exactly, but let the things as the matter of course. As a matter of course? I feel so difficult this world i am in, it is so heavy because that"as a matter of course" implies"destiny" and of course"God". "Welcome". Come on in, says Hatty while taking off her waistcloth. Her blue, washy, eternal waistcloth, stained here and there with fat. I am surprised that Hatty doesnt say Even if I wash it each and every two days, these stains dont want to come out, but I dont like another waistcloth. I dont understand why I made friend with this waistcloth". The truth is this waistcloth was a present from her husband that dies years ago. This was his last present for, made before he died. Although this waistcloth looked lamentable, becoming an ordinary cloth, for Hatty this was the best and the most beautiful waistcloth in the world, port fortune when she cooked. I was convinced that if she hadnt had that charmed waistcloth, the mayonnaise wouldnt had been good and the meal on the gas cooker would have burnt or anyway, wouldnt have had this special taste", as Hatty used to say. We sit in the living room. "I feel like knowing you from somewhere, I dont know for sure, but you seem not only known but also familiar, says Hatty. "Familiar?" I answered. Maybe because I live nearby, we met, who knows?" "I think you have impressions, aunt Hatty", says the young Christine. "Yes, I have impressions", answered Hatty. In that moment I felt like hugging her, telling her that I am dead on the Earth, that I am the young girl accompanying me. "I was at the crossroad of Langley Avenue with Hamilton Street, aunt Hatty. I didnt see my future. It was only an old lady that I suppose had committed suicide. An old lady on her seventies. Tell your friend, the fortune teller, that she has no idea about reading the future. "I don't see any connection between the old lady suicide and Christines future", I interfered. "Me neither, says, while standing and making a few steps towards the phone. She picked up the phone and dial the number. Finally I hear her saying: "Hello? Id like to speak with Christine... whos there? Ted Williams the nephew? Is Christine at home? What?! She died? when? More than an hour? It cannot be! In a car accident? Where? At the intersection of Longley Avenue with Hamilton? I hard the voice of aunt Hatty. Whos that Ted Williams? I didnt know to have a nephew in my world on the Earth. Ted Williams, Ted, Ted... I keep telling in my mind this while another thought stroke me. Sorin! Sorin! I shout in my soul. Maybe Sorin? I cannot accept that. I dont think something happened to him. I have just seen him passing the door step of the worlds! Aunt Hatty sitted again on the armchair coated with tile-colored leather. "The woman you told me she died is exactly the fortune teller", says Hatty, very affected by the news. "Can I give a call, Miss Hatty?" I said. "Of course, my dear." Call me Hatty and nothing more. "OK, Hatty." I touch the telephone receiver. I feel my hand shaking. I dial the number from Sorins office in Manhattan. It is ringing. Nobody answers for the moment. It is ringing. For Gods sake, someone picks up the phone. It keeps ringing. "Hello, yes!" answered a woman with a nervous voice.

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"Id like to speak to Sorin!" "Sorin?!" she answered surprised. "Yes, Sorin. He is my husband. I am Christine! "I think it is a mistake, said the woman, hearing then the tone. Maybe she hung up. Maybe it is a mistake, I said to myself. Oh, God how I want to be a mistake. I dial the number again. It is ringing. It was a mistake for sure! I said to myself. It is ringing. Nobody answers. It is ringing and ringing and ringing... "Hello? I say with a trembling voice. "Ive just told you, lady, it was a mistake. Here doesnt live any Sorin. He was here years ago, i say this because it is twenty years ago since i bought this flat, the office of an antiquary, but now it is my flat and Id ask you not to call me anymore because you wake up my nephew. I remembered his name was Sorin. He died for a long time, somewhere in Antarctica. I hung up. I feel like going crazy. No matter how hard I try to hide it, I feel me tears going down. "Bad news?" asked Hatty. "Yes, aunt Hatty, very bad." "Aunt Hatty?" she answered. "I used the term aunt" without being aware of it, because Christine call you so." Maybe I would like to have an aunt in this moment. I am alone and sadder than ever!" I tell all these to Hatty, without wanting to, and I feel that a vision beyond vision and incorrigible hastens me to make all these confessions. I see Hatty rising from the armchair and coming towards me. She puts her arm on my shoulder and says: "Relax, Christine. We are born in this world to defeat the sufferance being aware of the fact that everything is passing. You can call me aunt Hatty", from now on. Do you want a piece of charlotte?" "No, not now, au... aunt Hatty", I say whispering. "Aunt Hatty makes the best charlotte in the world", says young Christine. "You should taste the charlotte. It just chilled. Hatty set against the fridge. Although she is more than stout, Hatty moves as a gymnast around the house. She was going to die in two three years of shell-shock in the middle of the street. She laid on the sidewalk more hours until someone called the ambulance. It was raining torrents over aunt Hatty that had died without making a testament. She wouldnt have left one even she knew she would die so sudden. If that testament had existed, the house, where I am, wouldnt have been demolished, and in this place they wouldnt have built a gas station and then a joy house. Should it have left twenty years in five minutes? It was only five minutes the difference between the stroke of the bell and seven oclock, the hour of my world, only five bloody minutes! Why five minutes? Hatty brought me the charlotte, saying: "Youll see, Christine, how tasteful it is. I feel like doing anything else, but eating the charlotte. I taste it just to please poor Hatty. "Mmmm! How tasteful it is", I say. The true is the charlotte is extremely tasteful. "I dont make it with powder from the store, I have an old Austrian recipe that I have from a friend of mine." "Give the recipe to the lady", says young Christine. "I will write it on a piece of paper, said Hatty, going to take a piece of paper and something to write with." "Whats the phone number of your friend that died, aunt Hatty", I asked her.

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"Why?" the young Christine asked me while Hatty stops and then turns her face towards us. "I feel like condoling myself", I say. "What a strange happening", said the young Christine again. "Strange", said Hatty. I cannot understand, said the young Christine, how exactly aunt Hattys friend that foretold her to go at seven oclock to that crossroad in order to find my future together with Fred, is dead in the same place and time?" "It is, I said, trying to hide the truth, that the old lady on the street was, in fact, nobody else but Christine herself sixty years later. WHAT I find strange it is not this aspect, but that I died in my forties and not in my seventies. Whos that nephew Ted Williams? I dont know I have a relative with this name! Maybe he was going to be born after I was forty years old? If so, whos in fact that Christine? This is a real mystery for me and a certain Christine between forty ad seventy years old. Why didnt the tomcat Fred die? Whos world I am into? "It is a strange coincidence", repeated Hatty. I met old Christine in a gas station. Id just filled up when she asked me to help her to fill her tank. Talking and talking, we exchanged our phone numbers. She seemed a nice old lady, talkative that you couldnt stop. She read the cards and the coffee. She was right about all that she had read to me so far, except what has happened today."What was the connection between the future of young Christine and the death of old Christine?" said Hatty. "Can I make a phone call?" I repeated the question. "Yes, of course", answered Hatty. Her phone number is written on that business card. I step towards the phone. I find a business card where it is written: Christine Sorin, editor. Next to the fax number, on the bottom right side, it is also written a phone number. "Christine Sorin? The old lady's name is Christine Sorin?" I asked Hatty. "Exactly", she said. "Oh, Jesus!" I said sighing. "Jesus?" asked young Christine. "Didnt you hear about Jesus?" I asked her. "No, who is he?" "OK, it is not important", I tell her. "Although, who is he?" this time Hatty repeated the question. "The Savior!" I said. I dial the number. It rings. "Hello?" answers a thickly male voice. "Hello?" I say again. Christine Sorins house? "Yes, her former house" answers the same voice. "I would like to offer my condolences." "Condolences for whom, Christine?" I almost felt. Everything around me was shaking. Finally I said: "How do you know my name?" "I am Cardinal Anthony Mc Coulaugh." A violent earthquake begun suddenly and everything around me started to move. I felt down. I have lost my senses. Where am I? Where are Hatty and young Christine? All around me is dark. Am I alone? There were only my thoughts. I was trying to touch myself, but I dont have a body. Suddenly, I hear a voice or better said a voice it is transmitted to me mentally. "I am here, Christine!"

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"Who are you?" I ask the voice Ive just heard. "I am Lama, which is departed together with you and the cardinal on the road." "On the road? Lama? Where are we, who are we and what is happening to us? Where is the cardinal?" "We have reached parallel worlds from the Universe of light, where our own will, lust hope, love could give birth to a Universe. "The World of the Thought?" I transmitted him. "Yes. The thoughts are so intense in here that you can almost reach the Supreme Truth by meditation!" Lama transmitted me. "Why the world that I created in the Light Universe was destroyed? Why did the time advance with five minutes than the hour of my Universe, and every thing changed into a world were bad was the main thing? What does the suicide of old Christine around seventy years old mean? Did I die twice? If not, what happen with the age difference from forty to seventy? Who stole my world so suddenly I cannot answer you at all this questions for the moment", said Lama. "All I can do is to meditate one and all to that perfect" world",Christine. "Which do you think, Lama, that will be this"perfect" world?" "It is possible to become the world where we find ourselves deeper, Christine." "Farewell", Lama, I said to him dreaming at the world I retrieve first myself and then I finish it according to it. I am again lonely in the Universe of Parallel Mirrors where I am the only one that can decide what worlds should be born. I love Sorin, but I am aware that I cannot create myself that Sorin to satisfy me completely, as I dont know myself good enough. This is why it would be better to let my thoughts fly freely without being cast into the shade by any border of my desires and hopes. Maybe I will realize then who I truly am! Any desire, hope, belief in a certain taboo will make of the person I create, maybe, the most perfect Sorin of all that Ive ever imagined, but this will be only a artificial perfection, that will become the same fatigue as in the world I have just created. The perfection is completely strange to my being, generally to human beings. I figure out that the true perfection means first of all genuineness, thus, imperfection. Man is a natural being, and the nature itself wont let man to correct its own imperfection by the perfection found by man. Why? Is the nature itself too proud and in its arrogance doesnt accept the quality of demiurge of the man? No, no way. The true perfection means only imperfection! This is the nature of each phenomenon or process. To truly long for the perfect imperfection of the nature I should free my senses, to let them fly on the wings of hopes to meet the imperfect Sorin, the one that I need because he anguishes me with his close feeling. I let my thoughts fly freely. I am sure that the thought freedom is the first step towards self recovery. Where did I meet Sorin for the first time, in the earthy worlds? If I let my spirit fly freely, I see myself somewhere in the medieval India. This time I am not Christine anymore. My name is Rashmi. I feel a sad story, but this is the story I will find myself through. I died in his arms in that world, in front of the altar of Goddess Veishno Devi.

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Chapter 7
Im in the darkness of the Parallel Mirror Universe. Im aware that I died in front of the altar of Goddess Veishno Devi, that Sorin was a Tibetan monk that loved me, a forbidden love by all the canons of those times morality canons that I treated underfoot. I'm happy because this is me. I hardly now, freeing my thoughts, Ive succeeded in rediscovering myself, refinding the stranger in me that groping within the darkness of my own desires and lust. Im happy because I finally found that no man has inside his soul desires or lust, but a spirit that wants nothing else but to be FREE, to fly free over the infinite fields of the thoughts. There are no bad people, but people that dont free their spirit, that oppress it with all kind of lusts more and more ambitious, that make nothing but alienate the man from itself and bring so many misfortunes in the history of the civilizations Where are you, Lama? "Im here, Christine" "I begin to realize where is the first level towards the"perfect" world, Lama." "Where is it, Christine?" "That level appears when you free your thoughts, letting them fly freely." "Youre right, Christine, but until the accomplishment through geniality that we are looking for, there are more levels. Maybe it would be better to mentally transmit to each other the world created by the other to notice the differences or similarities of the two worlds. Maybe we will find the Cardinal in this way!" "The Cardinal? I think I found him in the world that has stolen my world," I answered to Lama. "Maybe yes, maybe no", said Lama. "No?" I asked."I talked to him on the phone and he even recognized my name and introduced himself." "Maybe those were your own thoughts. Get up, Christine. You werent on Earth in that Universe even if you had this feeling." "Then, where was I, Lama?" "This is what we have to find out. Send me mentally what you had done, thought, wished, hoped and built from the moment you were in the light, in the parallel mirrors of the light and up to the moment you reached me." "In one second, Lama?" "In less than a second, because here is no time or space." "Have you met those parallel mirrors?" I asked Lama although I knew the answer. I dont know why I asked him, maybe, through his answer, to feel that somebody else had had a similar experience, that I was not lonely and that I had someone next to me. "Me too, Christine", said Lama. "Now, Lama, I will mentally send you all I had done in that Universe to meditate to the world I had created... I concentrate and pay attention to Lama, sending him what I knew from my memory. It took less than a fraction of a second. "I lived the Universe created by you. I will send you my world that I created in the Universe of the Parallel Mirrors." More and more colored images passed my mind. They fade away and the darkness comes again.

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There is a perfect meditative silence. Somewhere, far away, on a background, I see a great golden castle. Tibetan monks levitate around this castle dressed in tile colored robes. No one looks at me. All, but absolutely all, stay into the lotus position and meditate. The monks and the castle fade away and remain behind me. They remain covered in the darkness of the great meditative silence. In this darkness all the illusions with their consciences and consciousnesses were born. This darkness is the parent of all that it is, was and will be. It is the middle of the Great Creator of the future Universes! Im looking for the path of truth. Here Im not anymore Lama Den Ying, Im just a feeling and nothing else. I want the deepest silence; I want the more powerful meditation. Where is the path to truth? Should it be a crystalline water spring that comes from the deep of the mountain or the path to truth is only you, Great Creator? Arent you, Great Creator, the spring with crystal water; if so, let it flow towards the oceans of the meditation. This way, I remain with the darkness and silence of the nowheres and nevers, thoughts. Should this path be a star? Then, let it shine only in its time and not live in death the longest life. Should it be the passion? But this could kill you. What should it be, Great Creator of the Universe? Should it be my thought? But which thought of mine since it doesn't know the path? Should it be what I have more than my thought, is it part of myself? If so, show me my God! Show me the path to Truth! The darkness becomes more and more oppressive, colder and more enormous, in the same time. Although I dont see anything else but the total and gloomy darkness, I feel the size, intensity of this Universe deeper and deeper. I feel like screaming. I scream: Aaaa! Ah! Ah! In front of me there is the contorted image of a beheaded man. He holds his head in one hand. I am terrified. "I am the martyr", he shouts. "I am Lama Den Ying." "You should understand the truth in you and forgive it!" says the martyr. "To forget my own truth, martyr", I said to him. "More than this, make a sacrifice of yourself for it even if it is a lie." "Why, martyr?" "Without lie, you will never reach the truth! I made the sacrifice for the truth of the lie, and to be able to make a step forward, I have to forgive it, to forgive my own truth." "That is also an illusion, martyr!" "Exactly, Lama, exactly...", says the martyr sighing! "Why did it need another sacrifice since you knew that the truth must be forgiven because it is a lie? Why, martyr?" "I believed in sacrifice. I knew that only the sacrifice is not a lie into my world, Lama." "And what did you find out, martyr?" "That sacrifice is as big vanity as the other vanities. But to spiritually evolve and create only one level of the seven levels leading to the path of truth you should forgive

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both the lie of your own truth and any sacrifice made sometimes for a certain reason." "Is it the only way, martyr?" I asked him without thwarting at all. "The only one", he says, while he separates from me until he disappears. "I forgive my truth and my sacrifice made once!" I shouted to the darkness that cuffed me with its more and more unbearable cold. "I want the way to truth!" I keep shouting. An obelisk appears in front of me, it gets closer and takes shape, it let me figure out the letters incrusted in its marble. These are letters that I dont know and I dont think I have ever seen them. I try to remember that maybe, sometimes, in my profound meditations, I might have seen this white marbled obelisk in the darkness of my existence. I think I saw it once, but I didnt understand its meaning. "Let me understand your writing", I say more for myself. Nothing happens. The colossus remains as inert as previously. "Are you the iron that shows me the way to the lie of the truth or to the truth of the lie? The same deep silence. "Are you the milestone between the illusion of life and faith?" Nothing. Milestone and nothing else. "Are you the darkness without times and spaces, are you the qualification of the existence? I hardly feel a bustle as if the storm is coming. The obelisk gets colored so that the letters incrusted in the white marble seem fired up by the inner fire of the light whose rays write in the darkness. "Peace, you shadowy fool of the wishful thinking dynasty! That stole from the Destiny, bribing him with lie and frustration, Peace!" And the obelisk stood away slowly until it disappears in the darkness. I feel an interior peace, as I have never felt inside my existence, since I am aware of my existence. "Peace! I shouted happy, that I didnt care about cold and the desolated darkness! From the bottom of the darkness, I see lamb. A beauty. I see now that its eyes are inflamed. I feel a crazy hunger. A hunger that I have never felt before. The lamb becomes a roasting jack. I want to eat. The hunger brought me to sacrifice the lamb, I say to myself. The roasting jack becomes a beautiful woman. I dont feel hunger anymore. The woman seduces me with lustful movements. I want to make sex with her. When I get close to the woman, she becomes a hawk that keeps in its beak a chunk from carrion that smells like rotten meat. I back away, I try to run, but the hawk follows me and reaches me. I cant help it so I try to hold the position. I dont want to go back, I try to hold the position. The hawks claws shred my flesh; my flesh smells worse than that carrion. I ask the hawk to shred my hideous flesh. I dont know if I have pain. Maybe I do or maybe I have forgotten what pain is? Suddenly, the hawks becomes again a beautiful woman that caresses my while we are having sex. I forgot how we want to create a new flesh that becomes carrion in the beak of the existence hawks. When I thought of this phrase, the woman with all the sex we did, disappears and the lamb comes bank, with its throat cut, this time. "What a pity! I shouted. What a pity to sacrifice such an animal! What a pity! Then the lamb with its bloody throat says: The existence is through sin, through my cut throat! Through rotten meat and sex! Do not sin not to be!" says the lamb while going back in the darkness as well as the other things. "I want to live without sin, but the existence is a lamb bloody throat, it is a sin!" I have understood so far that the first three levels towards the way to truth would be: the first level is to forgive my truth and sacrifice, the second level is to understand and receive peace in my soul, and the third level is to know that the existence is a sin in itself seen from the eyes of the lamb, sex and procreation from the eyes of the woman,

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food from the eyes of the hawk. Then, why all these! I shouted in the darkness. An arrow appears out of its depth. In the moment it passes quickly next to me, I feel like gathering way and I follow it. I want to catch it, but I cant. Running after the arrow, I feel my time passing in our back. I reject the time. I dont believe in it and, suddenly, the arrow is in front of me, passing me, and then it disappears as it came. Have I lived the present? No way. The arrow was never stationary, but only within my easy reach. Have I lived the future? No, because I would have reached the arrow. Have I live the past? No! if I had lived the past, the arrow wouldnt have disappeared. Then?! What did I live?! Illusion! Illusion, Illusion, I shouted in the desert of my soul darkness. Illusion is the forth level in the way of truth. I feel troubled by all these levels that I climbed. I feel pity for myself that I live in this part of the Universe. Have mercy, Great Creator of the Universe. I feel only disillusion and agony. I want the ecstasy, but the way to truth doesnt let me. I want love, nut the next level is long in coming. Why?! I asked myself disoriented. Why? Suddenly, a thought like a thunder came to me mind! "Because you are! We are a being! Being that doesnt know the present and runs towards a future without past as the present doesnt exist and will never exist. This is the fifth level. Dont forget, when you step on this level that neither the future nor the past dont exist and no matter how hard you will run towards the future, you that dont have a present, you cannot have future, but especially past. As long as you are a being, you are vanity, no matter the Universe you escape in. as long as you will be a being, will not understand the being! What I should do, I told myself eventually. Try to die in order to revive! This is the statement of the fifth level. I am dead! I left my body on the Earth. I think my body was already burnt, maybe it is dust taken by the eastern wind to the mountains full of the secrets hidden through the spiritual cliffs of the monks. Maybe Ive been dead for one thousand, a million, a billion of years! Maybe Earth doesnt exist anymore?! Where should I go back if I want to become a being? Dead?! I shouted in the darkness. Suddenly, giant flames, warm, like aurora borealis, cut the darkness. Flashes of lightning stranger and stranger come close to me. What is going on?! I say to myself fiercely. The flashes of lightning begin to strike ceaselessly. How are these flashes? They strike me harder and harder burning my soul. Why? At each of my questions, the action of these flashes on my soul is more and more intense. I refuse to think! I shout. Suddenly, everything stopped, remaining only that white light in the darkness that disappears, too. I understand now, I said to myself. It is important not to think, to accept the light of the darkness! This is the sixth level to the way of truth. What I dont know is how I can die, if physically I am dead? A voice come from nowhere that loses itself in nowhere, gets close to me. What I didnt understand first I understand now. Love the light of the darkness, the being that engenders your thought, the lie of the time, the sin, the peace, the martyr, love every level that you climbed in your way towards the truth and find out that the truth for you as being is vanity, and for me as non-being is the way to sublime. Only love can kill you! Love, love, love! love as much as you can the seventh and last level on you way of being towards searching of the truth". This is the level of the vanity! Love to be able to die! "I lived in your world, Lama, but I learnt that once climbed these levels you figure out the vanity of the being and you want to die!" "The truth must be accepted no matter how cruel it would seem", says Lama.

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"Even if it brings you to self destruction", repeated Lama. Everything has a reason, not sense, even if we pass from one world to another, even if the sense of this world is opposite to the sense of the other worlds. That is why, the non-being will never feel the vanity of the being in the same context under the sway of the same rules." "The being from the world of the non-being isnt a being, too?" "No, Christine! There are no beings!" "Then what is a being, Lama? We are both dead for the earthy world and thus we cannot see ourselves as dead! Are we still beings or what are we, Lama?" "We are beings, for as long as we think and use a language that includes temporality in its characteristics! "In the other world, when we arent beings anymore, what we will be, Lama?" "I dont know to tell you exactly, because Ive never been there so far, but I think it is a world that doesnt exist in the aware sense of the being, so you cannot event talk about it. I think it is a world where any thought, energy or consciousness is done without the help of the temporal dimensions. The space doesnt exist, as it is time in the beforehand world! Everything will be put within other dimensions totally unknown. Maybe only the life essence that will become space, but what kind of space I dont know, and the time life essence, but what kind of life essence we might find out there. Even the term there" is inadequate. "Maybe that is the after world, or maybe not. We will see, Christine. I want to meditate now to the world you created, to the world where you received that mysterious phone call, in order to try to find out the Cardinal". "OK, Lama, I told him and then another thought began to appear in my mind: I dont understand, Lama, how are we being inside the light where there is no time or space?" "You havent understood, dear Christine. even if around us, there is no time and space, even if we dont evolve physically in their space, we exist for as long as we are aware, for as long as we think, for as long as we have times and spaces in us. Only total death can save us of this curse!" "Then, are we going to be something else or nothing, Lama?" "We will see, Christine". "If we are something else, it is terrible. How will I be aware of myself, that I am Christine that looks for Sorin in the After World? If together with the death of the being, of the space and time out of myself, everything dies, disappearing for ever, Christine of this Universe, and even from the memory of the elementary particles that formed it once? If so, I will never be able to accept the death of the being. I knew that nothing dies in the Universe but it transforms everything." "It is so", says Lama. "Then, how can the logic of the parallel mirrors Universe of the light ask us to die? We, as beings, are waiting for a new revival after death. After winter, spring comes, right?" "It is very true, Christine." "Then, why are we dying?" "Youve just answered to yourself". "How?" "After winter, spring always comes." "We are somewhere at the end of the autumn, Lama." "Yes, Christine!" "The fruits of our thoughts began to rot in the cold of the winter that is coming?" "That threatens us with blizzard and ice." "Then, lets die, Lama, in order to revive in the spring."

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"Lets die, Christine. First of all, we should find the Cardinal." "Meditate, Lama! Meditate to the world I created!" "Did you understand what the genius of the being, Christine is?" "Yes, Lama. The genius of the being is vanity!" "The genius if the being is vanity", repeated Lama. "This is why, we have to get rid of the beings!" I told him. "Exactly, Christine". "The illusion of the being supposes the hope to a future, living a continuous future", I told Lama. "Just illusion, dear Christine, because the future doesnt exist since present doesnt exist!" "Thats right, Lama, but why the being needs future and past since it has both of them in a time with only one dimension?" "That only dimension of the time is the illusion of the present, meaning, in fact, the inexistence of the time." "Since time doesnt exist, Lama, there is no being, because its existence in itself is conditioned by time and space!" "Of course, Christine. there is only the illusion of the being, that is why we should die to free and escape form this illusion!" "To die coming back in another illusion, Lama?" "Nobody can know that." "We know al least that the illusion of the being depends of the time flowing that comes from the future, where the being illusion lives that considers it to be present and it will be past. The one that"will be" past, projects our unborn past somewhere in the future, too. "Even the illusion of the being exists in our own illusory time that is the future that includes in it, the past. The temporal sense of the being is that the future includes in its magical circle the past and vice versa!" Imagine a circle and a point in its centre. The circumference is the future, and the point is the past. "So the past is in the future, Lama?" "More than sure, Christine". "What would happen if the future were in the past?" "The illusion of the being wouldnt aspirate to its exterior, towards becoming, existence and transformation of the physical and identical world both socially and individually, of its own consciousness, the affective, cognitive and willed factors, but it will aspire to its interior, having only its own Universe that he would change, like a God seen by the illusion of the beings life!" "Do you mean, Lama, that God is being that exists, the becoming in a past that has the future in the middle? Does God always aspire to transform the physical and ideatical world from a past where the future exists? This means that God is being, too, but the opposite of our being that is our existential illusion opposite?" "No way, Christine, and I will explain you why! The being cannot accept logically the supernatural only as its opposite. Once we have the illusion of living in the future, our God cant be as we are. Another cause would be that we cannot reflect the image of the supernatural from the illusion we are in and by means of which we think only as illusion opposite to ourselves. God is not an illusion!" "Then, Lama, we know in our subconscious, that God exists only by means of the fact that we perceive the illusion of the time?!" "Oh, of course, Christine. Compared to the being, God is situated in time, within the temporal dimension. If man didnt know the time, he wouldnt know God."

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"The attributes of the dimensionality, Lama, the present, the future and the past, give sense to the being by making aware the fact that to aspire to the future that we should transform, in an illusory way, of course, building a brand new society, more and more developed technologically, politically, religiously, scientifically, culturally, in a word, the being aspires towards perfection. To aspire to perfection the being needs a leader that is God to create a hierarchy of the values. This leader is totally irrefutable on the side of the being supernatural, meaning that in the past that incorporates the future, being the opposite of the being in the same time that is from a permanent future that includes the past. Then the being will need a leader similar to it, of the same sense with it that should exist within the future that includes the past. That leader will be the being. This is why, within the society the being needs a leader because it doesnt have to agonize between itself and the self alienation. A perfect society of the being is a society with a universal leader, with an universal government, where each person should have equal rights. Such a perfect society is a universal socialism where the universal leader should be elected for a limited period of time, four or five years, respectively, when the universal government should be the result of the elections of two parties, that guarantee the individual property of the person, up to a certain limit, so that man shouldnt be gripped by man. To create collective capitals: enterprises. The two parties will elect both the universal government and the president. For the fight between the two parties shouldnt degenerate into a fanatic communism or a savage capitalism, the spirits of the Earth should evolve. The NEW ERA, that began, will reach this evolution by accepting the new philosophies. This would be the perfect structure for the being in the Illusion of Life!" "Yes, Christine, you are perfectly right." "The dictatorship is necessary for the being and not in its disadvantage. Every thing that is hierarchy is dictatorship, Lama, no matter if this is recognized or not. When the hierarchy is not respected apparently, this is a false dictatorship. A society, no matter how free itd seemed, it is a dictatorship and it is stranger that, the freer a society, the more dictatorial it is. In communism, the dictatorship was held by the leader, being recognized and accepted as state policy. The being sees it, denies it and the envy was imputed to the leadership. In the wild capitalism, the dictatorship is not recognized as state policy. The being is given the illusory free, but the hierarchy succumbs to the being, dehumanizing it by subordinating the values outside it such as money, the servility to all king of villains that knew hoe to lie, to steel, so blackmail, but now they are respectable business men. I think that if each party of the two, that will vote the universal government, will have its own police and information service, it will obtain a certain balance regarding the social rights and obligations of the being. The worst wrong that could ever happen, would be the union of the two parties that elect the Universal Government!" "You are right, Christine, because for as long as there will be countries on the Earth that we have left, there will be no tranquility, peace, truth and so on in the beings society. As the being has only one God, it must have a single religion in the future! Man is a human being! Only the representation of the evil opposes to the union of the religions, stating that their religion is more veridical as their hierarchy will fall down, this hierarchy that led to the criminal history and full of sufferance of the humanity. As man should have a single God, for the entire planet, it must have a single universal leader and a single universal government! The entire planet should be one and the same planet where people should have equal rights and obligations!

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All the same, the countries, as well as the religions, had their importance at a certain historical moment! Do not forget that the history means past! Past means God, when it includes future! In our history we can find the future: one God! Future means being when it includes past! In our future there is the being only near God! The being without God DOESNT exist. God exists through the being only in the illusion of Life! Which is time! That means that in reality, God doesnt exist through the being! "What would be the name of this perfect society, Lama?" "NEW ERA, Christine. The NEW ERA, that will bring us the beings revival, will help its accomplishment on all sites. The NEW ERA will be the beings Paradise, moved down to Earth! Once the NEW ERA come, the humankind will leave forever the hell of wars, of the being distortion towards evil and sufferance! The human being longs for god, for absolute, so it longs for the past that includes the future. The being longs for past! God is the one that longs for future, because His past includes the future and not Hiss future includes the past as in the case of the being. For as long as we would understand that we have a history, we will understand that God exists, even if He is referred to our great or reprehensible facts! The Paradise NEW ERA comes from the ancestral past of the being given by God in order to find its identity and the future in God! God is UNIQUE for all beings because within the temporal dimension there is no attribute for the temporal dimension besides the past, which is referred to future and within the Illusion of life se passes through the past! God is unique as well as the time! For the being, besides the time and the space there is no other dimension to be aware of! The third dimension that is the third Factor or the life Dimension exists between time and space and it is subject to God! God is time for the being! God is the Great Creator of the Universe that made the Great Contemplation for the Universe and all that is or is not! The worst evil of humankind id the one that opposes against the union of the countries, the one that considers itself as God! It is not good to exterminate or persecute these in order to make them understand part of the truth of the Life Illusion truth! Only love and understanding will put them on the way towards truth! There is no perfect human being as there is no imperfect God! Never kill or persecute the being because it is not you that brought the being on the world! Who will kill or persecute the being, should not be killed, but should be educated towards the value of the being for the rest of his life! There is no being not to fail, as there is no God not to determine the being! The being mustnt believe, but hope! When the being believes, it accepts the death! Within the true God, the Being that believes is a dead being, but the Being that hopes is an alive Being! Life and Death id Believing and Hoping! The God of the being is situated in the past before birth where your future is situated, so God is death!

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Life is the being! To believe and not search means die twice, but being once with God. To search and believe means to be born for the illusion of life, but to die also for God! We are obliged"to come back to God, no matter our wish, our free will! Thus, we are castaway that see the stars dead of billions of years in the preset, but for which the free will exists only through the Illusion of Life that is nothing else but the Great Dictatorship of God! Why? "For the destinism to exult! I told to Lama. "Maybe you have noticed that I read from the Holly Book of the Destiny, Christine? Book that I read from the world of your thoughts." "I know, Lama!" "That who answered to you call and pretended to be Cardinal Anthony Mc Coulaugh, was not the Cardinal!" "But who, Lama?" "That was the intervention of the life factor, the third dimension of your world that excluded you!" "Excluded me from my own world? From the world I had created?" "Yes, Christine. If it hadnt done this, the whole scaffold of the respective world would have disappeared!" "I dont understand, Lama, why?" "Because you were an exterior factor of that world and you, through your presence, did nothing else but opposed to the laws of existence and becoming of the respective world!" "I wasnt accepted eventually by my own world that I had created and that, in fact, was the Universe of my thoughts, Lama?" "Of course, Christine! Your world, once you had finished your creation wasnt yours anymore! Your world had transformed slowly once the moment of the creation finished. It is exactly as if you give birth to a child. You hold him in your belly, but once he comes to life, he will have his own life, Christine!" "Whats the difference between me and the Life Dimension, of the new world, Lama?" "Not more than five minutes." "But do these five minutes mean another world, Lama? then where is the Cardinal, Lama?" "I think I found him, Christine, because in the previous split second I lived in your world and that is why we both should go into his world." "And still, Lama! How did the faith in Destiny appear in my world, a world that was at the beginning without churches, a world the advanced its time with five minutes! Why? Maybe after the advancement of the time did the faith appear?" "It is about the third dimension that is the Life Dimension in the world created by you!" "What do you mean by that, Lama?" "You, dear Christine, you didnt build a world up from zero, from nothing, but you built you from yourself, form the Universe of thoughts that was not created by you! You were exactly like a mother that gave birth to a child! Even if you had wished, you wouldnt have been able to create a world from thoughts, desires ad aspirations that you had never had! You, as a human being, Christine, as a soul, were, had been tributary in thoughts and feelings to the life factor, to the third dimension that you hold in yourself, in your

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dreams, hopes and aspirations, even here, next to me, as I do. When we die for the second time, we might use the life factor. If this factor hadnt been in you, even after the earthy death, you couldnt have built your world, as well as a mother could not give birth to a child without the genetic code she has! More than that! If you hadnt had that life factor, your world wouldnt have existed at all, not even under another structure. That is why, I told you that we must die one more time to get rid of any thought and all that belonged not only to the life factor, but both to time and space. "I understand, Lama. how did you succeed in finding where the Cardinal was?" "First of all, I went from your world, Christine!" "Then?" "Walking down the boulevards of Manhattan, I saw a hawk that rushed to a pigeon to grab it." "I see nothing special in this, Lama!" I said to him confused. "At first sight, it doesnt look out of the common that a hawk attacks a pigeon, but still, it happens in your part of the world where there hadnt appear the churches and the evil hadnt been known!" "Once a hawk attacks a pigeon, this means..." "This means the evil appear slowly hiding under the blanket of the struggle for life, the necessity to live by killing." "This is true, Lama! I wouldnt have liked another world with aggressor and victim. But I dont figure out which is the connection with the Cardinal." "The pigeon in the catholic religion is represented as if it were the soul." "So"? I asked him. "Which soul can be attacked in your world?" "Why the Cardinals?" I asked him. "Because, churches dont exist and that soul was rejected by your world. That rejection being represented by the hawk, the force of your world and the pigeon that is looking for you and cannot penetrates the veil that protects your world!" "Who else should look for you, Christine, but the Cardinal? I didnt do it, because I knew you would come here eventually." "Then, why didnt the Cardinal come? Why, Lama?" "Because the evolution of his soul is in accordance with the profoundness of his soul, Christine." "What do you mean, Lama?" "The Cardinal adopts his own religious world, Christine." "In fact, how did you succeed in finding him after that pigeon?" "Everything passed off very easy, Christine. I removed the time the pigeon had been in the hawks claws, eating him up. I took the pigeon in my hands. In that moment, the world of Cardinal Anthony Mc Coulough developed in front of me! Follow me, Christine!" said Lama. "How could you advance the time, Lama?" "Here where we are now, Christine, is no time. We can mediate billions of years, in a split fraction, as we can run in any past or present we want to. Why in the past or present? Because deep down our souls, even in this area without time, we still belong to the third dimension that is the dimension of life for our thoughts. Seeing how the hawk grabs the pigeon, I rolled off the events, when the hawk hadnt seen the pigeon yet." "For you to catch the pigeon, Lama." "Exactly, Christine." "I understand, Lama. Once the pigeon caught you entered the Cardinals world." "Yes, Christine." I am walking with Lama through the priests world. I dont know for how long, in

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case there is still time. I havent seen any city, or street or church. It is strange, but within the priests church, I didnt see any church. The few people I met greeted in a strange way. Each, when they passed by, took a fist of dust throwing it into our direction. At the beginning, I thought that was an offense, but then I noticed they did the same with each other. Finally, I asked an inhabitant of this world why they used such a greeting? He looked at me as at a mad woman, I told him I was pious, and finally he told that the blessing of the dust was the sense of the existence of each earth-born! He recommended me a hospital because, both me and Lama were dressed as on the Earth. In the priests world, some people had the sexes uncovered. He told me that only fools were ashamed to show their sex! Why? Why, answered me an inhabitant of this world. Because this is God's order! It is not good to oppose the religion! The shame towards nakedness brings to sin! And the sin brings to pain and sufferance, death, crimes, raps and all kind of infamies. One of the religious instructions of this world is that all that is forbidden become more wanted, the more the sex! Studying their Bible, I learnt that people come from a sin world, where the infamies were hidden under the camouflage of the morality, this is why, and the word of the morality is the worse word that we can say in the priests world. I also read that you could save yourself from sins in the moment the morality disappeared! Only God can say what is moral or not. Another great sin was to own something because the Bible of this world says that sex brought humankind to the avidity for ownership, by the egoism that gave birth to jealousy and with for ownership, at the beginning by being master of the partner, reaching to the dirtiest things, leading to the sharing of the money, to the spiritual and moral alienation, this is why people mustnt own anything! Another quotation says: in this short and passing life, only love is worthy, but to love means not only to think good of the people around you, but especially, to send off any feeling that can bring you to jealousy! Because man lived in a world where everything could be sold, where the difference between truth and false was nothing else, but a simple change of shade of the same false truth where the greatest enemy of man was society itself created by him! The soul should run away of every social form!" We are in a strange world, where, although the morality is not accepted, it had its well defined percepts and why shouldnt I recognize, closer to the essence of the human soul. I met the Cardinal is a similar strange way as strange this world was. I dont know if accidentally, because in the existence nothing is accidentally, but rather is due to the third dimension, the Life Dimension! I was together with Lama in a daffodil glade. Lama took a daffodil and he gave it to me. I cannot imagine how an inhabitant saw us. He got close to us shouting something incomprehensible and gesturing. When he got close you, in stead of throwing dust onto us, he kneed and stroke his face from the ground, shouting: Sacrilege!"followed by incomprehensible babbling. At short, other people came together with the Cardinal. We then found out how sin it was to take a flower! Asking the Cardinal how he had succeed in building such a society, he told me that he had reached the conclusion the nature was part of God and that it was very important to live in harmony with God. Any other person than the one speaking, is part of the nature, that means that the harmony between people is the most valuable thing. But, the harmony cannot be achieved without equal chances between the individuals. The father reached to the conclusion that the type of society where the individual shouldnt own anything is the perfect type of society if it is not led through dictatorship, but by the free approval of the individuals. I remember I asked him: how could you achieve this, father? As we know that no matter how much we want the chances between the individuals to be

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equal and no matter if the society would guarantee this, it would be nothing but a lie, because man is born different from other men. One is smarter, one duller, one more talented to shake down, one in art, thus, the inequality appears from birth moment, and this is why the trials for socialist and communist societies failed. Man cannot be equal to the other but through force, through dictatorship to the social level. Then, father? I find it impossible to understand". "No, Christine, it is not impossible. When I realized I could become creator of a world, I wanted form the beginning a world where sin, and especially, the original sin should not be found but as history, as a level of purity comparison. This is why, I tried to eliminate at the beginning, any negative feeling of the human consciousness structure. Even if at individual level I would have succeeded, when the individual entered in the society, becoming part of this, he alters, becoming the possessor of some negative feelings. I have changed three types of societies and I havent succeed in creating the society I wanted, especially because the first society destroyed itself, because its individuals could use their entire brain and that gave them an enormous force that, I can say, outwitted their thinking because otherwise it wouldnt have destroyed itself. When I shortened the possibility to use the entire brain, bringing them to the level of earth-man, they didnt destroy themselves, but they became very religious and total adepts of an original sin! I discovered then, Christine that man's original sin originated in his impossibility to use the entire brain. Maybe the creator of Earth had problems with man that could use his whole brain capacity and reduced him at what we all know. This reduction is the basis of the religion because if it had been remained as at the beginning with the whole brain capacity, it would have been a failed experiment as the being would have destroyed itself!" "And yet, father, what made you create such a society?" "Firstly, the fact that for each soul that might become sinful, there is an After world. For the innocent souls, the After world has no Hell, but only Heaven. In one word, you receive the"worldly" paradise in order to achieve the divine one!" The hydrogen, the oxygen, and the methane constitute the link between life and death, love and Destiny, the miracle of life and death! After we had change two types of the existential configurations, the first, of one who couldn't work entirely with his brain, and the second of human beings, who couldnt perform with it more than a few insignificant percentage, I decided to secure a genetic change upon the human DNA. It is known that the DNA is composed of four alkali. It is essential to replace one of these alkalis or to produce a fifth alkali that should form a new DNA. Due to the fact that an alkali consists of a methale atom connected of one or more hidroxyls, I replaced the hydroxyl classification from the alkalis. "And then, father?" "Accidentally, I felt more lonely than ever in the Universe of the Parallel Mirrors of Light, sighing after the society of the new DNA, that would never be participant to the original sin! The primordial water had turned into a substance composed not of hydrogen, but of an unknown/new element, even"thinner" than that. The genetic structure of the men you have seen, is exactly this, dear Christine!" "This structure of the human DNA was the base of the Original Sin? I asked the priest. The DNA gave birth to the humans' After world?" "Yes, Christine! Our Original Sin consists in water! In its fusion with the metal in order to put a shape in, to exist as a biological Illusion of Life. We consist of both exhalation and metal; we were born sinful in a world of suffering. The metal called upon us to feel its harshness, while in our sentimental world vibrates the feeling of desperation and alienation not only for ourselves, but also for the Illusion of Life which

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was given to us so that we could be happy. And we might be happy if the primordial water would never freeze in front of the inert and cold metal of our hostile life. Maybe at that moment we would finally discover our true personalities, when the heavy led would melt again, when we would be free from the burden of the heavy metal that keeps us trapped in a world in which our birth means our death. Without having committed any sin we are born to die! Why is that, metal? Why don't you let water melt so that it can animate our Destiny? The metal told me to ask the water. It was then when I dived into the ocean to quince my thirst for"knowing what I don't know", and I drank brackish water until saturation, and even more, until I have drowned, and only then, I found the answer of the water, when I was already dead! And I didn't need any answer, because I knew that death was dead! I had to rise again in the Universe of the Parallel Mirrors of Light in order to understand that I should ask neither the water in you, nor the led, because the answer would always be the same undeniable one: DEATH! We would never know more about this life than the water and the metal inside us and our alter ego allow us!" the father told me with nostalgia. "From our future and ancestral past we have kept only the intuition, father, which develops in the Universe of the Parallel Mirror of Lights, remembering us that we still have something divine in us from the time we were gods, before being caught in the trap of the Illusion of Life. What is the connection between water and the Dimension of Life, father?" "The oceans, the lakes, the rivers, all these are nothing else but visible projection of the Factor of Life, which actually it is not water, but sense, and that's why we should call it the dimension of sense, among the temporal and space dimensions. Only in the Illusion of Life this dimension appears as water!" "This dimension, father, has created the Original Sin and the After world where there are souls convicted to Hell and to paradise. Is this the World of the Water, our World?" "We are the World of Water, everything that is alive, animals, and plants. It is a world that we, the inhabitants, consider it to be perfect, mythical, but in fact, it is far from being perfect, but vile. I'm sorry to say such a thing about a world created by God, but not God himself says that the truth is holy? Then, why are we born in the lie of the Illusion of Life?" "Thus, ather, we had better bring the Paradise on earth,a nd not the After World." "This is one of the most important things of humankind, but impossible in the World of Water!" "Why did the new element that should have replaced the hidroxyl classification have to be a"water" different from ours, with an lighter element?" "Christine, the hidroxyl or the Primordial Water, as I call it, has in its composition the lightest element ever known by humanity, and not the heaviest!" "A heavier element would lead to the impossibility to create life, as sense is connected with the new world through a chemical configuration, in which we discover the element at the base of the periodic table, not only as a structure, but also as physical values. In our World of Water is the Hydrogen, in the world that I created it is another substance. it s important that we manage, due to our senses, to have these substances as such, which is not correct. In fact, they are not substances. If our senses were oriented towards other coordinates, we would perceive them differently!" "It means that the people we see in your world, father, are not actually humans?" "Undoubtedly, Christine, they are figures with human appearance, which I have managed to study, although I have created their whole world. A place where all the

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deficiencies of our world have vanished. In this world, nobody knows what doubt or the will for upstart ness are. There is no money, but mutual changes of interests, no lost for cheating other's trust. I think I would have wanted to be born in the world that I had created, a world without the Last Judgment, because SIN doesn't exist!" "How could we change the World of Water, father, Our World?" "Only by renouncing to the water in us!" "How come? Water is primordial to life, without it, life would be impossible!" "If we wait quietly and wisely for death!" "For death, father?" "Yes, Christine, for death!" "I'm with Lama. T he father didn't want to continue his trip with us, because he couldn't depart from the world he had created and I think he would have never found/rediscovered himself better in another world. This was the proof that the father was the only one capable to have a strong connection with him in order to rediscover his true personality. We were not yet capable of such thing. When I asked the father what it was that made him end his trip, he answered:" "There is no Original Sin, nor the After World here. These creatures have never heard about devils or judgments. The lack of water from their genetic structure has allowed the Paradise to enter their own Illusion of Life, realizing that death is nothing but a passing among others, not for the specific person, who would never know that he died, but would only understand that the paradise of his existence would extent into an eternity where time is not only worthless, but it didn't exist in the Innocent World, where people have died Without Death and have lived Without Life, feeling inside the moment Without Time, the time Without the Moment!" "Farewell, father, I told him, while a salt tear trickled on my thirsty lips, thirsty to know why is death in Our Earthly World so intricate, why does the instinct of life, of the Illusion of Life tell us that we are doomed to death when we in fact are reborn through death? Why?" "Finally, me and Lama had decided to leave the fallowing letter, just in case one of us would have turned back from a world Without its people, beyond the Universe of the Parallel Mirrors of Light. The one that would have returned from this form of existence or nonexistence, where not even dimensions were nonsense, had to leave the other one some written words, n case that he would have come back too. The letter is as fallows: "We, Lama and Christine have chosen to go beyond the human condition, to understand what genius is and whether it is vanity or not. We understood that in the Illusion of Life genius is vanity! Thus, we don't want to have nothing to do with life. We want a journey in the After World, which doesn't want to receive us not even as unanimated souls. We understood that in order to enter that entity, we should die not only physically, but also mentally, we should renounce to our thoughts too. Thus, what is genius? Just nothing but a dream that fades away shatters at dawn? What about death? What about us? We were born to die, and we died to rise again from the essence of our astral dreams/ideals, just as the stars' birth and extinction were marked in the book of the worlds called Destin. And we rose, but in order to die, as resurrection lies only in death! When I had died, I asked God, the Lord of the Universe inside me, to give me the power to remember in the ancestral memory of my soul the life I once lived on Earth as

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a human being. I want to compare that existence with what I experience now. With every earthly moment, cause here there is no time nor space in the telluric acceptation, I realize that nothing was arbitrary on Earth, not even the moment when I decided to abandon forever my body, to enter another dimension, where the mirage of the worlds interweaved with the impotence to face God, trying to cross the existence only with the power of our mind and will. The Cardinal"remained" in the world that he wanted. Until, perhaps, he has reached"Nirvana", the stage he wanted, and I, through my own determination and will, I have returned to the Universe I have created, where, with God's will, I died! Only now I have entered a world where there are no humans and beings in the acception we once knew.The action didn't occur taking into account a certain time or space,as it did on Earth. Here, everything is eternal, it looks frozen,but beside all these,it is still an internal social life,but above all, there are admiration and faith in God! In this world,every being is a star. If we thought as we did on Earth, from the perspective of time and space,they would have a specific shape, would be born and would die, living billions and billions of years just that in the end, the light sent out by that particular star to reach the earthy faces after other billions and billions of years,defying time. On Earth,people used to say that every person had his star and when somebody had died,not only he himself would have,but also his star,which was actually compared with his ephemeral destiny. Which is the connection between stars and humans,beside the travelling path of the light given by the stars of the human soul, which perambulates the time and space of the eyes persecuted by their own illusory existence? Yes, me, Christine, I am now a star,who, some day after a long period of time from my death,I shall rise again in the soul of a child,in another existence of another Earth,all these when the Earth I had lived,would have been long ago dead, and even forgotten by the cosmic essence.I shall rise thruogh the light that would carry on the message of my existence,the formal Christine,the present star Christine.Although I am here,Idid not yet abandon the Existence. I experience the miracle of the identity of another form of existence. My own existence is seen as a star by the earthings,but not in the least by the society which characterizes this world.Here,we are not stars,and we don't even have a spatial or temporal identity.The identity of every soul lies in both the number and delimitation of one's revelations.We don't have the concept of death,and neither the idea of abandoning this world,as"the life" in here prolongs through the revelation in"this" death,because the notion of"there" doesn't exist,as it is a world in which the notion of motion and conversion exist only at an ideative level.The theorization of the conversion leads to the inhesion of the theorization of death,but seen only as something exterior to the being. "My revelations until now from the Revelation's World are in fact my own life.Everything that worths takes life at the same time with death! I'm dead,therefor I Exist! The new born whose experience has continued in death,lives his birth over and over,ascending always to the heights of life until life itself will show him mercy,leaving him to die in order to rise again.When you mow the grass of words,you should be carreful not to cut the blades that are or are not,because otherwise the grass becomes useless. I want to look for other blades similar to yes and no.What I didn't find on Earth,I found in here.I am terrified when I realise that in the mowed grass there is nothing but blades with yes an no but wich have other meanings wich didn't exist on Earth.

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For now, a red, sentimental and hot thought tells me:"Welcome to the Revelations World, newborn child!".Only now I realise that I don't have a body or a tongue, I am what I am not. I started to scatter my entire fortune, because my fear told me that next to a yes and a no are also an infinity of other herbs similar to those but totally different.I knew that I knew and I would know what I didn't know in order to know that in the Revelations' World an infinity of genders exist, other than male and female,not only 2 as on Earth, and so many other herbs different form yes and no. Equally true is that except life and death there are a whole other meanings just like the infinity of genders, others than male and female or than yes or no.In the Revelations World, death in its infinite meanings rebecomes life and life death.Here, I am neither man nor woman, I don't even know which is my opposite gender, but in fact I don't need this, as here none gives birth but is borne just like nobody dies but is dead. The 2 contraries from the Earthly life were transformed in that infinity of contraries.Thus, the good and the evil, the beautiful and the ugly, yes or no, and many others have received an infinity of contraries of their own and of their contraries.Everything that is true in the Revelation' World is both false and total,but infinitely more times differently.I am both everything that stands for my infinite identities,and the entity that doesn't represent me and is external.On Earth, such a thing is impossible because we can't claim that I am the mountain in front of me, the Sun, and the stars that twinkled chaotically through the Universe.Here I feel that I know what I am. I am the rain, the stars that twinkled on the dark sky and the spring with its buds and I am all that I know I am.I am death and life, and birth, and clouds, and all these put together for what I know and still know that I don't know that it could be transformed in other contraries such as truth, death, life, birth, the genders male and female, the yes and no,and many other notions which would become a small part of the others.Thus, on orange evening of october becomes one of the infinite contraries of the truth, or another gender, different from the male and female ones, which I didn't know existed, or another contrary next to yes and no. In the Revelations 'World every known person becomes a new contrary compared to Earth where the number of contraries was reduced to only 2, and the words remained notions wich expressed"that something" from space and time, from a magnificent image of a sunrise up to the alkali taken to that moon,without realising the existence of that which is known in itself as a new contrary. This existence would become not only beautiful but also tormenting for an earthing who is caught in the girth of the flesh, but, seen from here through the perspective of our free will,the result is totally different, because here we have more than one free will to create a beautiful existence.Next to the terrifying images of space and time which exist on Earth, here you have the possibility to unwind other and other images even more beautiful because we live in a world where next to time and space there are other dimensions which make time and space impossible to perceive like on Earth, only in the will to unwind them inside every soul. Odd as it may seem, in the Revelation' World space is nothing but a simple color, and time but a sound. Death is a new birth, but birth is not death, therefore death does not exist.Thus, what was born would never die but would rise again. For earthings, death began at the moment when the soul was part of an unaccessible Universe for the living.,because no one has been totally dead or clinically dead,to come back to his old life.From the moment you entered the new Universe,trough death for the old Universe of life, and trough birth for the other, your spiritual identity would have access to a logic different form the binary logic with which we were used to on Earth, the logic where next to"to be" or"not to be" exists a

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third, maybe a seventh or a bilionary element, and thus the logic of the new identity can be trinary,sevenary, multidinary or infinite just like in the World of Revelations.Usually,a soul which is permitted to leave the universe of the binary logic, ascend to the revelations world passing trough the inferiour steps of ierarhic logic.Once you have left the Universe of binary logic, you also abandon space and time, and the passing trough the Universe that contains other and other elements of logic is done not in a period of bilions and bilions of years, but in s moment, not in a fraction of time,less than that,in a time equal to zero. Because time does no longer exist,and space too.The identity of the spirit doesn't have a life in the Universes with other logical elements,but it exists.I also passed through these Universes where the existence doesn't have life,but o logic more and more superiour whichi took you on new heights of understanding,intuition and love,to be ready for the supreme height-the Revelations' World. The first thing I wanted to know once i arrived in the Revelations' world was the truth regarding the Life on Earth.During my time on Earth I knew that I have lived the Illusion of Life,of my own life,that,actually,both me and everything that surrounded me, wasn't even close to what I thought it to be.Beside attributing the dream of the earthly existence to the so called reality of my own perception,I wasn't doing anything else.Thus,the illusory dream becam reality.I cannot deny that I had certain moments in my life on Earth when I thought that actually nothing from what surrounded me was real,not even myself.Then?Sometimes I got depresed,other times I passed that point knowing one thing which I repeated to myself:"...If reality is not what i think it is,then why bother find out the truth?What good does that do?Yes,to go crazy,not to be able to live the dream that gave my identity in this world,to committ suicide!"Then,don't think about it,Christine! That was my antidote against depresion and maybe even against death.Only here,in the Revelations' World I was able to trully find what Earth actually was,this being my first revelation. The darkness has an outline because of light, and light because of darkness.Everything is deaf and mute,but ignorance/blindness gains its realm from a world which wants to be real in a dream with fairies and magical water springs,but also with madness, beggary,and lust.A dream decorated by religion,greatness and power.With free-will,births,and dead,but also pain. A dream! After each dream fallows one's awakening. Once that it is awaken from the profound sleep of the so called time and space where I have dreamt the dream of my own life on Earth, I shuddered! And it would seem that I come to life in a day,hour,and place blessed by God. The dream begins with snivels and yells,of both the mother and child.What are those mother's screms? What is the mother?What about my snivels?Only now I can trully see who I was and what has surrounded me. The first time when i had this posibility,here in the Revelations' World,not only I couldn't believe my eyes, but every standard of amazement would lose its value,compared to what I felt. Me,who I identified myself by the name of Christine,by a physiognomy, but also by a counscience,actually,not only that I didn't have nothing in common with all these,but moreover,everyone was and represented reality, radically changed.My mother,who I consider to be a person closer to me than others,was neither close, nor what I felt her like. Only when I found out that the being was me,and all the other beings were simple objects without soul,identical to plants and animals.Maybe not even the familiar object was not too objectiv, because aside the form-enunciation relation,which represented it, there wasn't anything else. hen suddenly, I felt alone, because my conscience was tributary to a world of diversity, to a society of the animated and inanimated,starting from the animals and reaching the

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rock,cliffs,rivers,oceans, and many more. How could I imagine a world where I am the only being, a world in which through my being would live the diversity, not only of the people, flowers, stories,but also of a vocal diversity, of taste,colour,smell,in a word,a diversity of all the senses with which I was born. Then I reflected deeper inside me,the entity which lives in the Revelations' World more than ever and said to myself:"Where are the other beings?" The answer came as quickly as I put the question:" For every other being I am me,and I determin their existence through me!"Odd as it may seem,it is true. The whole diversity of the human world is nothing else but the diversity of the being which reached a certain stage in its development.The billions of people,of other beings are nothing else but billions of beings from your own being.No matter how hard it is to explain such a reality of the world and infinitely harder to grasp,this is the reality of the Basic Truth regarding the world of earth. Consequently, the billions of souls are a being,billions of stars are a being, billions of passions, loves, births and dead, of pains and uncertanties are a being, my being! Then, asked myself again if all the other beings were like me,giving birth to other billions of beings with their own world. I found out that all beings had their world,society and death or birth,space and time.Everyone, but everyone was inside me,and I was inside them only because the Illusion of Life which made that Earth, birth and death, space and time,to be almost identical.But the most odd thing was that eachone of those beings was me, they existed inside and through me.The same were the stars or the ancestral woods of the mornings or the waves of the oceans.All these represented myself and did not represent myself at the same time, and moreover, I wasn't in the reality,in the ilIlusory dimensions of space and time. Actually, I wasn't me, and only the geometry of the variables of the Illusion of Life was giving birth to the irremediable dream of death. And if I wasn't in time and space, where was I? If in the illusory dream of the life on earth something would have come up to show me the reality, but I have only my five senses plus the intelligence of a terrestrial being, I would have surely gone mad or committed suicide, trying to suppress the dream which I was living fully and considered reality. Why? Because the depth, length, width of the view in front my eyes were not the truth. If I had touched my face, eyes, hair, body, everything would have been an illusion. The time didn't pass and no moment was real. Everything that was real was that I was a being and I wasn't a being because time is a simple illusion. It was a reality the fact that my being wasn't moving from one place to another, but neither the image which I sensed through smell or sight, sound or color wasn't true. Was there an image in its place?No! Between my being and everything that embraces me was my being and all the other beings were inside me, like i was in theirs, forming the same and indestructible being of unicity in diversity, actually of an illusory dream which was my own life. Only God, as the creator is exterior to my being, permitting me to have Him as a guide-line of my own living. In the Revelations' World there are without any part of existence, two representations: God and myself. When I reflect I ask God to enlighten my mind in order to know, why somewhere, sometime, I saw myself human, and saw the clock striking midnight night after night, when in reality not only it wasn't ticking the time which wanted to be space, but also in the physiognomy which was getting older and older? Why? Because time was a feeling of mine, an element which I carried with me from another world, through which the dream of my being carried me a whole life, before I felt the life on earth. In that world there were lover-feelings, lover-words or

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things-husband or wife, or color-nephew, or beautiful-memories, and ugly-opinions. A world in which the so called men didn't have two hands and two feet. They didn't have them at all, because they were not humans. They were memory-things, pawns with geometrics or without, with feelings or without. It was the Illusion of Life, because the feelings were not enough for the lover-feeling. Actually, the existence was reflected in the terrestrial society, not in the Illusion of Life. In that place there were neither states nor continents, because space was a sort of hybrid between sense, thought, and lust, and time a simple state of mind. That is why the two dimensions were reduced to a pleasure in time that was thinking, reported to something exterior to a society of the values feeling-thinking. And in that world, there is an axiology of consciences, of determination and their knowledge which defined the social system, different from what we call Earth society. Everything that I taught it was time or space, it was just an illusion. When the illusion of Life embraced me, I had an ideal or I wanted a certain thing, without realizing that that ideal was nothing but a lie, and the thing I desired had caused different wastage and drawbacks, and the life of that beings was not how it seemed. Thus, I have lived my life as many others did, making for death because I was born to die, and I died to rise again from the essence of my astral dreams, just as the stars' birth and extinction were marked in the book of the worlds called Destiny.". At the coming back it was signed C Christine Lama Nothing down ChristineNothing down Lama Thus, nobody came back.

Chapter 8
I am flying over the trees from the glade. This landscape is more and more familiar without knowing where I should begin from. My body is heavier and heavier, and I feel obliged to sit on the green grass from the feet of a great granite statue from the glade. I am watching the star lighted sky, hearing the chinks of the crickets that seem to accompany the inner bustle sent by the Universe vibration. A ray of light white as snow came off a star lost within millions of stars and it went right towards my heart daggering it. I remember this place. I am in the glade where I met myself for so many times in my ancestral"past", in the world where there is no time. I feel that feeling of tranquility and fullness that the blessed ray of the Godlike Light sent. I am Sorin, Godlike Light!, I shout deep down my thoughts. "Welcome, my dear, answered the Godlike Light. You have understood now what the Destiny of a soul is, a soul that wanders looking for its tranquility in my Universes. I gave you the chance to contemplate your own life from this world, but also after you left it, but there only as audience. That Sorin that was in hell was an identity of your being, an identity where you soul could stay, or even became itself such an identity forever. This would have been terrible. Have you understood what needed Christine in order to find herself and more than that, in order to compete herself? Christine is your

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soul mate or your half, Sorin. She was Rashmi in a previous existence as she herself had discovered into the Universe of Parallel Mirrors. Her soul is that soul that passed through the identities of your Being as you did through the identities of her being, and thus, both beings become a whole that struggles with itself in order to find itself. All the soul of Christine is Maya, as you passed in your existences together with Maya and the Stranger that had talked to you once in the dreams you had had in the terrestrial life. You didnt give the right importance to those dreams, considering them as unimportant dreams. That Stranger was nobody else, but the Stranger in you struggling with you to excel you on the way of perfection. Maya is one of the existence of your soul mate that was once Christine or Rashmi. "Id really like, Godlike Light, to see just once, but not as a ray of light that streaks my heart and speaks inside me, but with Your true face!" "Each being can survey me only through his own True Face, Sorin, that is the infinite inside you, from your infinite being, that is in front on the infinite face of your being. The infinite dimension of your infinite face, identifies in Me heart. This is why the infinite face of a being is the infinite face of billions and billions of beings because all identify within Me infinite creating a single being, Myself. Thus, I want to say, that all the beings from all the Universes are bothers within Me Infinite and more than that, are one and the same being in Me! But if you want to see me outside you, then you cannot do this but on the top of the Illusion Mountain!" "How could I see the infinite face of my being, dear Godlike Light?" "On the top of the Illusion Mountain, Sorin." "What do I have to do first to try at least, to climb it?" "Well go again to the feet of the granite statue that is located in the glade." "Why, Godlike Light?" "Only when you really believe in something, you exist!" "I dont understand what you mean, Godlike Light?" "You will understand once, but each at its turn in your Life Illusion." Come, Sorin. I rise to the sky again and gather way. The same tunnel made up of the brightness of the stars opens before me and I find myself within the starlight Universe. I stopped without understanding why I did this, and suddenly I get closer and closer to a star and finally in front of me I see a triangular planet. I knew it was a planet where the street towards the glade was, but not the glade. Suddenly I saw myself above the glade. I stand near the granite statue. I hardly realize that it is as high as a poplar. Laid on the grass, I watch the stellar sky waiting for the Godlike Light. She sends to me her ray white as the snow. When it daggers my heart, I have again that sensation of total beatitude very familiar to me. "Look at the colossus, Sorin, and read what is written at its feet." In this moment I tried to lift my back from the grass and I turn into a position from which I can read the writing from the feet of the granite statue. I lift very hard because I feel my body heavier than ever. I feel like my all members are made of lead. "I dont think I can lift, Godlike Light."

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"Try, Sorin, try to stay on your knees." "But my body becomes heavier and heavier with every move, Godlike Light." "Dont give up, Sorin." You are a fighter that will defeat eventually if you have enough will." "My whole body is stiffened, Godlike Light. I have terrible pains, as if I am burnt, oh God, dont leave me. Molten lead flows through my veins!" "Fight, Sorin, fight, think with faith at Me, believe in Me, Sorin, believe in My words that are much stronger than all the molten lead from your pained and stiffened members." "I feel lonely and helpless, Godlike Light!" "You are never lonely, just because you are not! You are an illusion and nothing else." "I try to believe, Godlike Light, but it is very hard for me to think of You." "Believe in Me, Sorin, otherwise you will never see me." "How should I believe if my thought brings me to the terrible pain I feel in my body?" "There is no greater pain than that of not seeing Me, Sorin." "I dont think so, Godlike Light!" I cant stand anymore; Id rather not see you! This is nothing else but a dream, a phantasm and nothing more!" "It is the reality, Sorin." "How should I know that I am not dreaming and I will get up in my bed completely sweated? Once, in the life you are going back to, a medium called Jane Katra will write to you. The medium in itself doesnt have anything in common with Rashmis soul as it is nothing else but an intermediary through which a greet older than the time will pass. The name of the medium is exactly what Rashmi told you once. Look for Jane, Jane Katra. This medium will finish her letter by Light Jane. This will be in fact the message that crosses the border of the worlds and Universes that Rashmi send you. Light be with you! Dont forget that greet, Light Jane will bring on its wing the great love that Rashmi carries for you and the Universes. "Who is this Jane Katra, and where I can find her?" "You are predestinate to meet Jane Katra. You will find her only when you dont look for her. Suddenly the pain disappears, as well as the Godlike Light that penetrates my heart. I remained only me and the granite statue, cold and impersonal in front of me. The deep silence is broken by a chink. I raise my face to the starlight sky where the Godlike Light had come from. I feel fear, but also release in this moment. I am afraid of a new pain. I am happy I got rid of the pains. I want to go back into my world, I want home. I open my eyes. I am on my bed from Terra. It gets light. I see my wife next to me sleeping deeply. I think is six oclock. A sparrow tweet breaks the silence of the spring. Was it a dream all that happened? A great dream with the Godlike Light? I get up and go to the bathroom.

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I look in the mirror. Its me in flesh and blood. Nothing changed. I dont even know if I am looking or not for a change in myself and why. "Where are you?", I heard the voice of my wife from the room. "In the bathroom", I answered while thinking to the dream I had. I dont even know how much it lasted It could have been minutes or seconds, nobody can tell for sure how long he dreamt. From that day on, my life changed. I was not anymore the person the thought nothing of the dreams. I was trying to study this phenomenon from all the possible points of view. I learnt that man dreams a few seconds, although he has the impression he had lived an hour or much more in the respective dream. What strokes me was the literature so poor on this subject that should have had priority in the studying annals of the specialists. With every day that passed, I was more and more depressed regretting the disappearance of the Godlike Light. I was waiting for Jane Katra, to appear from somewhere, and her apparition should have told me that Godlike Light was not a dream, but the reality, when J. signed LIGHT JANE! Although the Godlike Light told me NOT TO LOOK FOR Jane Katra, I couldnt help myself and I made all the possible efforts to find her. I think I had tried to find her on the internet ten times, but my trials were ineffective. I looked for her everywhere, but off this name appeared another person that I felt was not Jane. I dont know why I couldnt write to that person ever. Maybe if I had told him/her what had happened to me, he/she would have thought I was crazy. I asked a lot of priests on this subject, but no one could tell me more. Most of them told me that, in faith, you dont have to question anything, a kind of"believe and dont look for". All the same I didnt agree, because I knew how the Godlike Light explained to me as serious as possible certain phenomena. I knew how much the Godlike Light wanted the Man to know, because only in this way the man could get close to Her with his own identity. I hardly realize how far are we, people, these identities loaded with spiritual energy, of the Godlike Light and how much we transfigured the reality by all kind of obsessions that brought to a variety of religious practice that dont always hit their point. It wasnt night not to which to see the Godlike Light again. All the same it put off its appearance. Ive become a much religious person from that dream on. I said"Paternoster" in the morning and in the evening, a prayer for the forgiveness of the sins, trying to be closer to the Godlike Light. This prayer seemed to be the most adequate prayer in my religion, able to fill me with the glory I was looking for, although I knew the true happiness is in the Godlike Light. It was summer with thunder and lightning and ferocious heat. I was waiting impatiently each night, maybe the Godlike Light would come with the next sleep. It havent so far. I said this every night before going to sleep" Dear, Godlike Light, who art in

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heaven; hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. Amen.", I implored many times the Godlike Light to come back again in the dreams become reality, but for nothing. Eventually, I got used to the having lost the greatest chance of my existence to see the Infinite. Id give anything to learn why the Godlike Light chose me for such an experience and not important personalities in this moment on the planet that through their position could much easier forward this way of thinking and philosophy regarding the Universe. Is Sorin the only connection between me and the Godlike Light through the unconventional vision of my philosophy? Oh, God and I would have had so many questions for the Godlike Light. I would be curious to see my own infinite identity or the infinite face of my person, to feel more than the coldness of the granite that separates me from the truth. These kind of"dreams" mark you for the rest of your life that changes in a way or another. With every day passing by, i feel that if the Godlike Light appeared, this time, I would bear with stoicism and hope every pain, no matter how terrible it would be. Im begging you, Godlike Light, come back into my life! I travel by train in a foreign country that Ive never seen so far. I hear a crunch of axis and I feel I am thrown forward due to the impulse created by the brakes. I go to the window. We are in an ordinary railway station with no importance. What railway station are we in? I am not in a certain railway station, I am dreaming. I am sleeping right now! I am dreaming! It is so good I am aware of that. It must be past the middle of the night. I went to sleep around ten oclock. I think Ive been sleeping for hours. It is great because I am aware that I am dreaming for the first time, after all these months when dreams were taken as such without reasoning what names are in the moment of development. This reasoning gives me the possibility to choose what i want and not to become a sort of performer of the that dreams destiny. What I really want is to meet again the Godlike Light at the feet of the granite colossus. I finally decide to get down in this railway station. I look towards the area for luggage. I dont have any item of luggage with me. This is strange, because I always have a piece of luggage when i go from one town to another. This first hint reveals me that I am in a more special trip. I get down of the train. The few travelers cross the few railway lines together with me. I reach the inner side of the railway station and enter into a waiting room. On its walls there was a railway guide that was written in the language with south-American inflexions that I had heard so many times in the town where I had died a week ago.

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An endless happiness covers my being. I know I am in the existential plan where I saw the street leading towards the glade, where I met the Godlike Light. Another question took the place of the happiness of my discovery, what if I am not in the same town? How do I get into the right town since I dont speak that language and more than that, I dont know the name of the town? I sat on the chair trying to make a plan, but any mental construction fell as quickly as it began. I finally decided to leave the railway station convinced that the Godlike Light would help me find it again. It is getting dark. I walk on a street where Ive never been. It is cloudy and it has started to rain. I feel the big, cold drops trickling along my face. A dull thunder followed by the wink of a lightning determines me to shelter under a roof. I finally find a bus station. It falls in showers now. I congratulate myself for finding this place. I am alone. Not a living creature. I don't know what the time is. I think I stay more than three quarters of earthy hours. Its so strange, I keep from getting wet here and at home I am sleeping. The rain begins to stop, leaving a crystalline sky, full of the most beautiful constellations that Ive ever seen before. Please, Godlike Light, come back to me from a star. I am waiting fro you full of hope that it was not for the last time than. Please, give me another chance. Suddenly, I feel my body lighter and lighter. I am levitating. The bus station becomes smaller and smaller under my feet. I reach a considerable heights watching the town as if I was on the top of a mountain and it was in the valley or as if I was in an air plane. I hardly find that I was not in that big city, but in a small town, a sort of village that loses itself through the hills at a distance. The towns float one by one under me. Maybe my rate of travel is bigger than that of an air plane and yet I dont feel one blast. I feel protected by a glass bell. Suddenly, a great light floats before my eyes. I figure out the frame of the locality I was looking for and where I previously was. I lose my height. I look down and observe how the glade appears with the granite statue. I lay at the feet of the statue looking at the stellar sky from where the star that brings the ray of the Godlike Light will come. I feel my heart beating with emotion that I hardly can control. How much I wanted these moments to come. A star takes shape more and more profound, and a ray goes straight to my heart. Suddenly I feel that happiness and state of beatitude that I can hardly describe.

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"Thank you for coming back into my life, dear Godlike Light. You dont know how much I wanted you to come back." Its good you found me, Sorin, do you still want to know the truth?" "Of course, Godlike Light, I think this time I am more prepared than I was last time. I have regretted for months the moment when I didnt succeed in passing that border made of pains that I considered superhuman." "If you want a certain thing in life, you have to sacrifice to obtain it, Sorin. Nothing can be achieved without a certain effort because if this scale of values didn't exist, there wouldn't be the beauty of the infinite." "What do you mean by this beauty, Godlike Light?" "Why do you want to learn it from me, Sorin, and not with your own feelings?" "What if it is so great that I cannot accept it? If the sufferance is more atrocious than the pains suffered to reach the infinite?" It depends on you and only on you, Sorin, on the values you have because each sin made with or without your will causes you pain, but not always. If you manage to pass that step, you will always remain on the heart of the infinite." "If it is a beauty of the image, Godlike Light, then I will close my eyes and I will get back." "No, Sorin, the Infinite always forms its imagine through Harmony that characterizes it. You will feel there the Harmony through your disharmonic being and identity. This can cause you pain, because you will be an unbalance in an ocean of the balance, because the Harmony doesnt mean Balance. This happens to the level of one persons identity, because the identity of a person embodies a energetic-spiritual balance of the person. Thus, each being is a balance that subsists in an ocean of unbalances due to My Disharmonic Conditions. The beings balances become unbalances towards the Harmonic Conditions, where the infinite is Harmony, but not in the Balance. The Harmony doesnt mean Balance because it id definite through Infinite, and the Balance embodies the Finite because there will be always one or more comparison terms for the Balance, comparative terms that cannot find each other in the Infinite because the Infinite doesnt have Comparative Terms but with itself. This is why there is a difference between the Harmony and Balance, thus, the Balance of the Harmonic Condition is nothing else but the Infinite seen through a Disharmonic Condition, through an identity of a being that belongs to the Disharmonic Condition respectively. The balance id a mobile through which the Disharmonic Condition follows the Way to become Harmonic. Without Balance, it would never manage. "What if I couldn't stand the infinite? I am afraid; I dont know why, Godlike Light!" "Dont be afraid. We will meet there the infinite dimension of your being. It will help you fight to integrate in infinite, showing your steps that you have to follow, Sorin." "I believe in you, Godlike Light, and this is why I am determined to bear the pains I will suffer at the crossing of the border between the two worlds, finite and infinite." "Are you ready, Sorin?"

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"I am ready to go, Godlike Light." "Dont forget, Sorin, I will be by your side in all this time, even if during the crossing of the boarder, you couldnt feel me in a way or another. Believe in Me and it will be infinitely because deep down your being, there is not only its infinite part, but near it I am! Find Me in you, discover Me! I am and will be in you, because I am the one that gave you the eternity in you, to step in death as you'd cross a river, to embrace eternal life until doomsday, Amen!: For this moment, the rays of the Godlike Light dropped back from my heart. The total silence is broken by the blast of the wind, accompanied by the chink of a cricket. I look at the feet of the granite colossus. I can see some inlays similar to the Assyrian cuneiform writing. The signs spread on all the length of the feet. I want to distinguish the writing, but it is impossible. Id like to ask the Godlike Light, but it disappeared. It is too late. It is so strange. Ive never been able to ask her about this writing although I would have liked it from all my heart. I stand and touch the colossus with my hand. I suddenly feel a strong current that paralyses me and burns me. A very powerful force grabs me from the glade sending me with a very high seed to the stars that flickered in the Universe where I was, but of which I didnt know much except the glade, as the town and the path towards the glade and also the surroundings belonged to another Universe for which the glade and the colossus didnt exist. I have again that impression that I felt when traveling in such a great speed, that the light of the stars extends in purl longer and longer joining in a tunnel. "God, help me, I said to myself in my mind." That moment of pain began again, when everything becomes heavy and hotter. I feel like being on a hot stove. I scream! "I believe in You, Godlike Light, and in Your power, Amen" I feel I burn! "I mustnt think to the pain. These pains dont exist, they are just a simple illusion. Me, as finite being I am nothing else but the result of an illusion because Ive lived enough so far the Life Illusion! Enough with the lie. The sole truth is the infinite and the Godlike Light I believe in!" Suddenly the terrible heat fades away. The tunnel I am in changed its color from a neon light to the yellow of the ears that grow in the rays of a July sun. The tunnel in itself changes even the cylindrical aspect becoming an enormous spiral that spins slowly in font of me. A voice that I have never heard but in myself, comes now from my exterior, "Believe in me, Sorin and youll be next to Me." "I believe, Godlike Light!" The spiral image disappears slowly, and the great image of a mountain appears instead in a pyramidal shape like Anapurna Mountain, which was considered to be saint by the local people. I am amazed at the similarity of the two mountains, Anapurna Mountain and this

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mountain of another world, respectively, with their peaks lost within the white and pure snow as the Infinite. The single difference between these mountains is that here on the top of the mountain there is a sun that shines very intense, but I don't feel the intensity of the rays, but warmth closer to love. The sky is so clear, lined by colorful birds, whose song overlaps the silence. I dont know the hour, if its noon, morning or evening. I go towards a lake with crystalline water from the feet of the mountain. Once on the bank of the river, I look at the water crystal that reflects my face in its bluish waves. What lake is it, I asked myself? In that moment my face begins to separate from myself. It backs away a distance of some feet to my right without me making any movement. I recognized that for a moment I was totally desperate. Suddenly, my face from the lake took body or physical shape, and lifts from the lake coming near me. I went cold all over. I was next to my reflection that takes physical shape! It smiles, saying: "This lake is the Life Water, it is the sole dimension that is in the middle of the Infinite although it is finite. Through the Life Water, the Infinite has Harmonic State and the Finite has Disharmonic State. If the lake didnt exist, the Sun would have nobody to shine for, from the to of the mountain that is nobody else but the Godlike Light! I dont know who you are?" "I am You, more precisely I am the face or the infinite identity of your person, Sorin!" "Are you the infinite Sorin and I am the finite one from another infinity minus one of faces the one being in front of you?" "Yes, Sorin, you gave the correct answer." "What kind of water is the Life Water, Sorin Infinite?" "It is a water made of all the faces of the beings existent in all worlds that are an infinite minus their infinite face multiplied by the number of beings that is an infinite." "Can I drink from this water, Sorin Infinite?" "No, Sorin, because if you did, all the faces of your being including me, we would be destroyed forever." "Why, Sorin Infinite?" "You are nor ready to ingest this water because there is no equilibrium stable enough between my infinite being and you, the finite being." "What can I do for this equilibrium to become a reality?" "A reality, Sorin Finite?" "Oh, no dear, the reality doesnt exist and it will never exist. All that I am looking for is equilibrium and nothing more. You know well that the equilibrium is connected to the Finite, and I am infinite and still, in order to exist a common correlation between me and all the other faces or infinite identities as number minus one that is me, you have to follow more steps in order to create the equilibrium of our beings in the finite worlds. I know it wouldnt be easy, Sorin Finite, but nothing is done without sacrifice! Helping you, I help myself that I am one and the only person seen through different dimensions.

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If it takes sacrifice, Sorin Infinite, this means that the Life Water is in fact the Selfconsciousness Water, and the Sacrifice Water, for this loving Sun to shine!" "You are right, Sorin Finite, by half because the sacrifice in not only on the Lifes side whose Water keeps watch over the feet of the Infinite, but equally, the same is requested always and eternally to the Infinite!" Because everything, but everything must have a sense in this world in order to exist!" "More concrete, Sorin Infinite, what should I do?" "Look towards the peaks of this Mountain of the Infinite, what does it suggest, Sorin Finite?" "Greatness, beauty, power, love, wisdom, kindness, but I dont understand what gives me a feeling of abstinence, tranquility, but also a sweat bitter wish to infinitely perpetuate, Sorin Infinite." "All these are part of the existence sense. What do you think it is necessary to obtain all these and always perpetuate them?" "Sacrifice!, this is necessary, Sorin Infinite. "The Sacrifice is the Path, and the Faith is the soul that follows it, Sorin Finite! Dont ever forget that!" "I want to climb this mountain, to touch its powdered peak with the snow of the Infinite. To touch with the heart of my soul, the love and wisdom of the peak, dear Sorin Infinite." "To do this, it will be the hardest trial of the faces of our being, of all the other identities. Because it wont be only you bearing the evil, Sorin Finite, but I must be with you with every step youll climb. We must have the courage of the self sacrifice." "What do we have to do, Sorin Infinite?" "First of all, we should find the equilibrium of other and other identities of our own being, identities that are decadent in their worlds that fill the other identities with negative energy unsettling them from their Path to light tricking them into the deepest dark of the Disharmonic State." "If we climb this Mountain, Sorin Infinite, can we find on the other side the Path turned from the Harmonic State to the Disharmonic State?" This is something I want to learn from the Infinite from which I know to learn it, Sorin Finite. This incites me to the sacrifice of climbing the mountain. I want to find out the Basic Truth that can be seen only from that peak, somewhere to a horizon of the acknowledgement." "Why did you come from the Life Water, Sorin Infinite?" "because you are the only one that lives, Sorin Finite and this is why I had to give birth to the Infinite from me in the Finite from you. This was the only possibility to see me and to talk to each other." "How can an Infinite can be born from a Finite, Sorin Infinite?" "When I said I gave birth to the Infinite from me in you Finite it was more symbolically, because I am not subject to a temporal dimension and all the same I belong to you and I am talking to you to the present, future or past. The Life Water was, is and will be a connection to ease my communication with you, because the Life Water represents the Finite that is located at the feet of the Infinite." "Me, Sorin Infinite, I am in the Life Water, and you come from outside It?"

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"You have understood, Sorin Finite!" "All the same, was I the one that perceived you coming from the Life Water?" "This is true. "Why, Sorin Infinite?" "because you mental plan superposed my plan, in a word, the Finite mental superposed the Infinite mental leading to the reversing of the those feeling plans. Thus, Sorin Infinite, I appeared to you as being"in the beginning, you reflection in the Life Water in Finite, and you appeared to me as a reflection in the rays of the Godlike Light, within the Infinite!" "Which is the reality, Sorin Infinite?" "Ive told you there is no reality, but a relative truth. The reality can be detached from the Basic Truth that can be seen from the top of the mountain, to the horizon of the Absolute Knowledge." "How did I appear, Sorin Infinite?" "I didnt appear from the Life Water as you didnt appear from the rays of the Godlike Light. We appeared from the Infinite or Finite. I, s an Infinite, appeared for you from the rays of the Godlike Light that is Infinite, and you appeared from the Life Water because you are Finite!" "What is this reversing of plans, Sorin Infinite?" "I think it is what we want to hear and cannot be known but through the Absolute Knowledge." "Lets climb the top of the mountain, Sorin Infinite." "Lets go, Sorin Finite, but dont get too close of the Life Water, because if only one drop touches you, you will come back from where you were from. Hearing these, I retreated far away from the edge of the water. I hardly notice that the soil was not made of the earth I was used tot, but rather a reference term to which should spatially retrospect to in each moment. The same with the planets, fir-trees through the highest I have ever seen All the same a fresh wood pitch fragrance was brought by the wings of a smooth but cold blast of wind. Another strange factor is that no matter how hard I try to find out from the temporal point of view how much time passes I can't find out. If on the Terra I had a certain measure of the temporality even if I didnt have a watch, I knew how many hours had passed, but here it is impossible. Finally, I reached the feet of the mountain after surrounding the lake with Life Water. I was glad that I was not alone being accompanied by another climbing companion, even if my companion was myself! I didnt climb a few steps, and a tall man appeared in front of us, dressed in a tilecolored cape crossing our path. "Who are you?", asked him Sorin Infinite. "Who am I?" answered the man. I can hardly see its sharp and tough lineaments, without a certain age, as if it was sculptured by all the sharp winds of the mountains. His white and long hair hung onto its shoulders, giving him a trace of irritability. "Sorin Finite is the one that should know me." No, Sir, I dont remember you." I don't know how you are." "If you dont remember me, you cannot go on climbing this mountain." "I understand now, Sorin Finite, Sorin Infinite told me.

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You must remember who he is, if not everything is useless. This man in front of us is a step of the sacrifice that we have to bear in order to reach the peak of the mountain." "As far as I can see, Sorin Infinite, I am the only one conformed to the sacrifice." "No, Sorin Finite, it will be my turn, too, when it is, it is. I told you that watch of us would have to pass a hard test, but what I really want you to know is that, eventually, none of us can mange without the other one, thus, we will have to help each other, first. Please, remember now, Sorin Finite." "Can you give me another hint, you unknown, I told to this mysterious man. "Hints?, repeated him with soft irony in his voice. No! said finally. "Remember this personage, Sorin Finite!", said Sorin Infinite. Who can he be? Where have I ever seen somebody similar? I think I know who this man is. "I know who you are, mysterious man!" "Who am I?" "You are the unknown from a dream that I had a few terrestrial years." "Do you know what dream is about?, asked me the stranger. I don't want to repeat it within the pages of this book, but I will try to block in a few aspects that I consider to be essential. "I found myself in a steamy place, but the steam didnt lift more than one or two hands breadth from the soil level. I was in a narrow valley, surrounded by tropical plants, that king with the rots always outside the soil. In front of me, there was the entrance of a cave or something like that. Behind this, there was another entrance of a naturist house, those considered by the futurist ecologist landscapers as some thing great in a future more and mo re polluted of humankind. On both sides of that entrance, there were steps leading outside the narrow valley. This personage was on one of this steps telling me that I didnt complete my vocation for which I was on Terra and, thus, I would have to go back. I asked him to let me there, but he said I should first serve my sentence on Terra. All the same I went towards the door of the cave; a lovely woman appeared behind it, with black, long hair fell on her shoulders as the Infinite Universe on the stars. I know who you are, I told to that woman. I knew she was my wife. "I will be waiting for you here, honey." "For how long Ive been gone?" "For a few weeks." "How long do I have to expiate on the Terra the days in here?" "Two more weeks." "You will have to leave now." I got into a flying ship that detached slowly from the planet, like a spatial taxi where I was only her and me, she promised me she would be waiting for me always, without being able to tell me what crime did I make on that planet, and then I woke up in my bed on Terra. "This is the dream, said the stranger in a sharp voice. "What do you want from me, stranger?", I asked him in a childish way. "I am not the one to want something from you, but you from me, if you want to make a single step on this mountain."

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"Why was I sent to Terra from this planet as to save certain actions that I didnt know?" "This is exactly the punishment. Not to know for what you agonize, but to have a destiny on a plant of pain in a three-dimensional Universe, where you live a life." "A strange life, although in the times of your world, it is only a few weeks?" "Exactly!" "What do you want me to do to climb this mountain together with Sorin Infinite." The stranger laughed sarcastically and then he said: "You should find out for what you were punished and to correct your mistake with the time it was intended, otherwise you wont pass this step! The stranger disappeared with a sarcastic laugher. It is only Sorin Infinite and I. I asked him what we should do in such a moment. Sorin Infinite observes me and then he turns his back on me looking towards the top. In this full silence, only the wind remember us that there are sounds on this world. "As it is you, Sorin Finite, this means it is only you that should find out why you were punished and how you can repair your mistake." "This means you will leave me?" I dont know how I can fulfill the requirements on the stranger?", I asked Sorin Infinite in a desperate way. "I cannot leave you, Sorin Finite, because you cant fulfill the wish of the stranger by yourself." I will be by your side, but in that dream you will be alone, but I will be in yourself." "How will you be in me, Sorin Infinite?" "My spirit will enter yours by the superposition of the mental plans." "Will we be the same being, Sorin Infinite?" "We are the same being, Sorin Finite, but this time the identity of our being will be both finite and infinite!" "What should we do in order to become the same identity?" "Nothing more, Sorin Finite, but to go back on the bank of the river." We finally went back on the bank of the river. "Now, Sorin Finite, I will enter the Life Water, and you will have to look straight into my eyes, and nothing more. Sorin Infinite entered into the Life Water immersing in It, becoming a reflection of myself as previously. I looked straight into his eyes although I had the impression I looked myself and hypnotized myself. Before my eyes appeared the granite colossus from the glade. It is lonely, floating into an infinite nothingness. Suddenly the cuneiform letters written on it, began to burn. The fire letters, I said to myself. Although I couldnt find their significance so far, I understand now. They mean, "WHOS THE BEING OF THE FINITE? SOMEONE THAT KNOWS AND EVEN BELIEVES THAT, BUT WITHOUT KNOWING NOTHING! WHO'S THE BEING OF THE INFINITE? SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T KNOW THAT KNOWS, DOESNT BELIEVE,

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BUT KNOWS EVERYTHING!" Them I said to myself, NOTHING BEGINS AS IT DOESN'T END EXCEPT FOR THE ILLUSION! EVERYTHING BEGINS AS EVERYTHING ENDS EXCEPT FOR THE INFINITE! GET RID OF THE ILLUSION AND BE INFINITE! I dont know how much it lasted, but what I can say is that, suddenly, the reflection of my face into the Life Water disappeared, and the mountain disappeared, its place being taken by colorful images that played one with each other. Where am I, I suddenly asked myself, where did the mountain with the Life Water disappear? The playful lights transformed into the image of the mountain with the Life Water. Where is my town, I finally said, and in front of me appeared that town. Where is the glade, with the granite colossus? Before me, appeared the glade, but without the granite colossus. Who am I? An interior voice, came from deep down my being tells me that I am Sorin Finite and Sorin Infinite! I said to myself that I am a finite, but also an infinite being. I wonder why the mountain disappeared, what about the Life Water or the colossus? I hear the voice in me, that didnt come from me this time, but it was the voice of my consciousness. "How cannot they disappear if I see the world with respect to the infinite, and not to the finite? The Mountain with the Life Water doesnt exist and it never existed, these are only representations of the finite being, as it had never existed a glade or the colossus Everything was an illusion that belonged to the Life Illusion and that gave to the existence a certain image once it was riddled with respect to a finite identity. What about the Godlike Light? This is the only reality, Sorin! But a reality that stand behind this circle called life. Why? Because the Life Water is a great image, because we need them and still I can understand why? I hardly realize that it doesnt let me understand the finite side of my dual identity both finite and infinite, and if we cannot climb that mountain of Illusion both me as finite being and me as infinite being we will destroy each other forever because as infinite being I lost my possibility to see the infinite in its splendor both imagistic and cognoscible, and as finite being I lost my possibility to see the beauty of the finite, but also the greatness of the infinite. This is the destiny of each being, of climbing the Illusion Mountain at the feet of which there is the Life Water, where each being will meet the infinite dimension and they both will fight to conquer the mountain! I remember my dream that the stranger told me. I am again in that little and narrow valley where I was in a dream a few terrestrial years ago. I wanted to walk down a few steps, fearing not to stumble, because of the steam above the soil. I feel the warm air, but very wet that covers over my breath. I look more attentively the plants whose roots are outside the soil by half.

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I dont think I have ever seen such plants before similar in a certain way with the tropical plants from the Earth. A long sound breaks the silence. I notice a bird flying, resembling a toucan, a colorful terrestrial flyer. I look towards the place where, terrestrial years ago, the rewash the sarcastic stranger that I met on the Illusion Mountain. No, he is not here now. Thinking that he can appear again gives me a state of irritation, but the fact that behind that door I could find the beautiful woman I love so much in the terrestrial dream, gave me that state of anxiety that we all feel before a surprise that is going to develop before our eyes. I walk down the steps until I reach the lowest level of the little valley. I turn right and I see the entrance into the cave. The door is situated at ten, twelve feet than the entrance in the little cave. I go beyond the cave entrance and a discreet sound of a bell begins to sound as a terrestrial fan. I hardly make a few steps and the door opens and the beautiful woman from my terrestrial dream appears. She comes slowly to me and hugs and kisses me. "I am so happy we see each other again, Sorin." "Sorin? Do you know my name is Sorin?" "Of course I know. I will tell you everything soon. I am sure you dont even know what my name is, Sorin! Said the woman, and then, she tales my hand and pulls me inside. The door shuts automatically behind me. I enter in a kind of room that looks like a cave and not a terrestrial house, the walls were natural, built in the stone, and that rooms had three silver doors. Inside, there was a small table, framed by two shell armchairs, all silver similar to the doors. On the table, there was a transparent piece of plastic, that, I admit I dont know what cane they be used to. "Welcome home, Sorin!, said the woman taking in her arm the piece of plastic. I hardly notice that, held in the hand, all kind of strange drawings appear. She passes her finger on that transparent device, and from behind a stone, as I cannot say it is a wall, appears a table full of meals and a bottle a Champaign in the middle. "How can I read?" Two chairs get out of the table. I didnt notice how, because the entire operation developed very quickly. I asked her again, "How do I know this language, and more, I can read this signs that doesnt look familiar to me, Maya?" "Maya?, I see you remembered my name", said the beautiful woman. "You know this language since you were a child and began to speak, and this writing, you learnt it in school since elementary school, Sorin. "What happened to me, Maya?" "You were.. All conversation stopped in this moment. I wasnt together with beautiful Maya anymore, but somewhere in a great emptiness, where I went round in a very high speed.

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What happen to me?! Where am I? I can see a point taking shape somewhere deep down the nothingness. It is the stranger that tells me not to ask Maya again about my punishment and not even how I can save from my sins. The stranger disappears as he came. I woke up in that room, but somewhere behind the time because the image developing in front of me was static, transfixed. Maya had her hand in the air and all the objects stayed exactly as in the moment I disappeared. "Maya, I am here, next to you. "She doesnt answer me, but she stays in the transfixed position. I dont know what to do, which of my identities should I decide with? I feel that one opposes to the other one. Try with the your infinite side, Sorin, I told myself finally." "Why am I behind the present? Am I in another Universe? I dont think so, because if I were in another Universe, I would be in the same Universe, because they all belong to the Infinite, so my own Universe!" "Maya stays still." "As I can see, my infinite part is useless here. Lets try with my finite identity. Am I in a Universe where the image is and in another one where my time flows, and the difference between time and space regarding the two Universes should be the period when my time tries to catch the space of this Universe or is my time before this space and, thus, it wants to be caught up? Such a regulation would last an infinite of years. What should be done? None of my identities of my being helps me! Could I climb the Illusion Mountain ever? Something tells me I should think with my both identities simultaneously! I hope I can concentrate because Ive never tried this before. What can be behind the time? Is it the space? And behind the space? It is the time! Said my finite identity. What is behind the time? The Infinite. And behind the space? It is the time! Said my infinite identity. What is behind the space, time and infinite? TRANSFORMATION! Both identities say to me. Unique, the transformation is embraced by time, space and infinite! Thus, I should move an object from this still image. I touch one of the cutlery on the table. Suddenly, everything seems normal. I wake up saying,

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"You can call me Sorin." "Ok, answered the woman. I hardly now realize that"You can call me, Sorin", would have been followed by:"What happened to me, Maya?", part of the phrase that didnt show up. Days had passed one by one from that event without asking Maya again about the cause and possibility of saving from my punishment. We often used that spatial taxi, looking as a terrestrial car that levitates around the big planet like the Sun that rises on the Earth. I admit that for me it was a strange world that captivated from the beginning. There are no high buildings or streets on this planet. Everything tried to be as natural as possible. The only buildings were the headquarters of some governmental institutions and that was all. All the same, the thought brought me to the mystery I had to understand. I tried to make different scenarios, but neither of them was too decisive. Finally, I said to myself that only the chance would be my saving angel.

Chapter 9
It is getting light and the shadows of the roots and plants seep on the cliffs in front of the cave where i live. Each morning, I do exercises together with Maya, in front of the house, if I can call it a houseLife on this planet seems to be a paradise with every day that passes and I wouldn't like to lose this paradise. What Ive learnt from the Godlike Light is that nothing is accidental, as nothing is finite, but your own Illusion! This is why, I will have to find a logic between predestination and accidental, as much as I can create a scenario that can lead me towards my target. I suddenly see a toucan as I decided to name that bird, due to its similarity with the terrestrial flyerWhat is strange is that its feathering changed color for a few moments becoming something like a black raven, but with the enormous beak of the toucan. I look more attentively and the bird recaptured its color. "I saw a colorful bird, please tell me Maya, if such a bird can change instantaneous the color of the feathering?" "No, dear, answered the woman. You had an idea. Maya is looking towards the bird. This changes its color again. "Dont you see, Maya?", I asked her. "I see nothing." The bird has always the same color." "I might have hallucination", I answered keeping doing exercises as daily. All the same, I looked again to the bird that changed its feathering color again, exactly on the jumping moment. This time, I decided not to tell anything to the woman, while I was looking at the bird out of the tail of my eyes. It changed its color several times and went away.

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All I wanted to learn, was why I was the only one seeing the change of the flyer color and Sorin Finite didnt see it? This proves that something is different in me, but it also can be a hallucination. After finishing the exercises, I decided to go on the stair my toucan had sat. I remembered that it was exactly on this stair where the mysterious stranger had sat in my terrestrial dream, stranger that I had also met on the Illusion Mountain. I felt worried, but also hopeful. Maya entered the house to cook the daily breakfast although the term is not similar to the terrestrial term. The term"to cook" refreshment means more exactly to view some images with many dishes and to access them on a gastronomic internet so that meal is sent electronically or teleported, I haven't understood yet. There is electricity, too in this world, but strange, an electricity that doesnt shock. Once on that stair, I look around trying to find a certain connection with the stranger, but nothing, absolutely nothing changed. Each plant, stair, everything was at its place. I decided to detach that stair from the steamy soil. When I pulled the rock, I felt a vibration followed by a rumble. I decide to go on with my action. I pulled stronger and the rock detached. Suddenly, I saw that mysterious stranger as on the Illusion Mountain. I started when I saw him. I dont know why but I feel he has an evil soul, of tracked animal. "I see weve met again", I said to him. "Indeed, Sorin! The stranger screamed at me. Suddenly, Maya got next to me telling me that the breakfast is served. "She doesn't feel or see me", says the stranger. "Do you see something different, Maya? I asked here looking toward the Stranger. "No, I dont anything different. Why are you asking me?" "Because I have the feeling that I must have a conversation with a person in front of me, my dear." "No, my dear, nobody is here except us." "You didnt have to check my statements, Sorin, said the stranger aggressively. "How are you, stranger?", I asked him very decided. "Do you ask me now, Sorin?, he said laughing. "Come and serve the breakfast, dear", said Maya. "I am the stranger in you, Sorin, and you cannot get rid of me, the stranger in you and now go and eat and I will be here waiting for you. Enjoy it, said he disdainfully. I tried to be calm at the table in order not the panic. Maya had noticed I was not ok and asked me if I was sick, I said I didn't feel so good and that was one of the reasons I wanted to stay home, because Maya had to solve some administrative problems. Even in such a society, some premises are needed even if there are no countries as on the earth. On the entire planet, there is only one global socialist government that is elected one in two years by direct and secret vote. Two years means around seven terrestrial years on this planet, after my brief calculation, I say brief because here the time is divided into a hundred divisions meaning an hour than sixty on the earth. This global government doesnt have a leader or president, but a kind of ministries

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that share their portfolios. There are no parties or political disputes. I watch Maya eating. I feel I love her from all my heart and I dont want to lose her. Finally, I told her: "You know, on the Earth, the lovers were making love at the light of the scented candles?" "What are those candles, Sorin?" "It is more complicated to explain, because the bees were only in my dreams and they were insects that settled a substance named wax." "Ive never heard of bees here." "Me neither, I said smiling. "I dont feel very good today and I would like to wait for you at home, I said to my woman knowing that I would have a conversation with the Stranger, and I didnt want her to see my talking alone. "No, Sorin, I want you to come with me, please, I dont want to go alone, she said, I a spoiled voice. "I will stay home today, I said, thinking to the Stranger that is waiting for me on the stairs. "It was so difficult when you were to the Earth six weeks ago. I was so happy when you came back after four weeks, even if only for a few minutes. I couldn't wait to pass two more weeks in order to see you and stay with me forever. "For her sake, I will defeat the Stranger! The fight began this morning. I will be as an animal and I wont let my opponent defeat me. He is the Stranger in me. I understand now what I have to do to defeat him. First of all I think I have to defeat me, to find me again and then I should attack him, with my own thoughts and conceptions." Maya stood up of the table. "I wanted so much to go out with her. Would I get rid of the Stranger if I told him I dont want to climb the Illusion Mountain? If I really get rid of him would I be happy with that choice?" Maya kisses me, I kiss her and then she said, "No, if you dont come, I won't go either." "Id have a happy life together with the woman I love!" The infinite being in me sys that only in the infinite you can reach the top of the Illusion Mountain. I want to climb that mountain, to overlap myself, and then come back to Maya., and I imagine how I take her in my arms and pass the door step of the infinite for our love to last forever. I dream with open eyes, and the Stranger in me is waiting for me outside. How can I find myself, to send off the stranger in me since I want to stay forever with Maya but I also to climb to the top of the Illusion Mountain? What do I want most? But what I want less? I dont know." "Do you keep hiding in that cave, cruel animal?, I hear the voice of the Stranger,

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calling me. I decide to talk to the Stranger in me behind the time so that Maya shouldnt notice my absence. "Al right, my dear, I will go with you." "I am so happy, Sorin." "Tell me, please, why was I sent to Earth? Suddenly everything becomes still. I know I was behind the time. I want to get out. Before my eyes, the Stranger dip into my eyes. "I am here, Stranger, to ask you to understand me that I really want to climb to the top of the Illusion Mountain as much as i want to be near Sorin Finite!" "I forecast, you beast, that I will crush you in the end, he answered evilly. "Why do you want to crush me, Stranger?" "The more you want two things, the weaker your soul will be, because I am the Stranger in you. You are a spirit that couldnt even make the first step on the Illusion Mountain and you failed." "Failed?, I repeated as if I hadnt understood the phrase." "All spirits are the same, with all your finite and infinite identities." When you reach the feet of the Illusion Mountain, you run away from the first step when you meet me. "I don't want to run away from you, Stranger!" "You are crazy, do you want to face me?, said the Stranger. No, Stranger, I dont want to face you, I want to be your friend." We can never be friend, Sorin. "maybe we cannot, but I can be friend with myself because I destroy you. The Stranger began to laugh. "You, destroy me?" Never, never, ha, ha, haaaa! You will never succeed because everything is accidental and Finite, and I am Infinite!" "I want to find myself," I told him. Nothing is accidental because nothing is finite but your own Illusion!" How do you want to find yourself?" "With the help of God!" I answered. "God is not with you. I think he lost you a long time ago from his bag of dream somewhere at the feet of the Illusion Mountain. "If we knew how much God we have in us, could we drag Him into the mud?" "Whats wrong with you, my fellow, why do you sprinkle mud on me? How do you have God in you?, said the Stranger. "God completed through His GODLIKE LIGHT all that are, arent and other similar to them. In all these and in ALL, the GODLIKE LIGHT entered giving breath to the worlds that we can understand, but even to those we cannot understand. THE GODLIKE LIGHT in our world became the LIFE LIGHT that born the WATER, the spaces and times giving birth to the BEING. THE GODLIKE LIGHT in other worlds gave birth to other dimensions, with other understandings in other Universes of the Existence or Non-Existence or any opposite.

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By the opposite of these Universes, we understand the same thing as the Existence Universes have as opposite the Non-Existence Universes, as each Universe has as opposite, the opposite, od the opposites of the opposites up to an infinite. Thus, the GODLIKE LIGHT contemplated by God was without times and spaces that we understand, a Godlike beginning. THE GODLIKE LIGHT created the Existence, and other opposites of the two that the mind of the human being cannot include, as it cannot include another level with more dimensions of our Existence. Before the beginning there was the end, as before the end there was another beginning, but before all these the GODLIKE LIGHT SPRANG FROM THE GREAT CREATOR AND SOLE ACCIDENTAL was, is and will be! In the beginning, the GODLIKE LIGHT thought the skies and the earth, for the universes of the Logic Coefficient 2. this is the sub layer to build the accomplishment. The skies were the existence, and the Earth with the water Being. These were desert and empty. The day was made when the GODLIKE LIGHT made the time from the astral dust of ITS thoughts, separating the day from night, the good from evil, together with the GODLIKE LIGHT that became LIFE LIGHT! Then, the Life Light considered that the skies, meaning the Existence can become Being, as the Being sky, for the Existence. Thus, the two"water" were separated that are under the spreading and the water that are above the spreading. The Godlike Light separated the waters from land, thus, the seas and the land were created. The Godlike Light made the plants. The Godlike Light decided to give feeling to the Great Prophet Time in Its Universes and not only to the Space and that is why she gave birth to the planets and stars and galaxies! Before everything, there were the Existence, Being and Life, and then the awareness of the Existence of great galactic spreadings. By stars, the Godlike Light made the first step for her Creation to become aware of the Time. The Stars appear on the sky when they are born after billions of years or rise on the same sky after they died for billions of years! The Godlike Light made the animals and the Man! The world of the Universes wouldnt have been born without the symmetry of the opposite of an existence towards each other, our existence and the non-existence, respectively, or through opposites to an infinite level, so that the negation of the negation to be stated not only to the factor TO BE OR NOT TO BE, but to another infinity of parallel statements that are recognized only by the Basic Truth. We cant get close to the GODLIKE LIGHT only through meditation, praying to God, with al our piece of GODLIKE LIGHT in us, that we still have on this land of fight between good and evil, beautiful and ugly. "Which is my sense in you existence, my fellow, if you have only God? Where am I?, said in the end the Stranger. "We should never forget that there is darkness and we don't have to fight him through hate, falsity, cowardice and lie, as the GODLIKE LIGHT wouldn't have Its shine if it wasn't compared to the darkness even in the nothingness that we live, tributary to the Life Illusion! "But what if you the beings are a mistake of the creation, answered calmly the Stranger in me? "All that exists has it opposite, too. If there is imperfection, somewhere should be the perfection, and if there is lie, somewhere should be the truth, and if there is death, life should exist, and if there is Being, God should be, too!!

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All these would be nothing because we cannot think more but with the help of the two opposites, TO BE and NOT TO BE, speaking of a logic of the SOLE opposite eternal, but if we were able to think with a logic with ten, hundred, million of opposites, where each should be the opposite of the other then? And this is nothing compared to the infinity of opposites needed to the Basic Truth, then? Who could say there is no God? Who could say there is no perfection? To state that God, the worlds creator, is not perfect, is like saying that everything is a non-sense, including God, which cannot be truth! We, people, through the Life Illusion, won't know the true sense of the worlds because we wont know the Basic Truth. No man knew or will know the Basic Truth that is why you should mediate profoundly in your prayers to God. The LIFE LIGHT created by God separated not only the day from night, but also the good and evil, the beauty from ugly, and the other opposites, as many as they are. What is left? The difference between the truth and the illusion, between fate and destiny, as the fate is the destiny that we know through illusion, and the destiny is the destiny that we dont know as it is transposed through the Basic Truth. "If you believe so much in God, answer me, why, at the feet of the Illusion Mountain was there the Life Water?, said the Stranger in me trying to fool me. "In the beginning the LIFE LIGHT made the water that is the representation of the Being above which it meditated to the birth of the worlds floating like a thought above the water. Then, when she reflected in the water, she realized the time and space must be born in order to match the face with the Beings face that she thought to give soul! "Why did your God leave the sufferance in the world? Why did He create me? "Why was the sufferances world created? The wild world of the animals where rules the law of killing before being killed, the world of beasts with bloody muzzles that are always looking for their ravines killing to live? What about the world of the town jungles where the hierarchy of the strongest that takes everything is a rule as wild as the rules in the equatorial jungles related to prowlers and ravines? For the Life Illusion to disappear in the nothingness where it was created together with us? Should the hunting be a purification or is it nothing else but one of the most negative sides of this curse or happiness that is called Life Illusion? Many in their soul littleness attribute God al that is on this Earth in order to make Him participate to all crimes that happen daily in front us accepting the idea that God wants to purify by bringing us the pains during the desert life under the Sun. No, God never chose such purification, but His wish is to accept tranquility and total happiness of the eternal love! God gave us the Free Will in order to decide the right or wrong! It was not God that gave us the crimes, but we make them in our littleness! "This means he is a God that makes wrong, too in His creation, Sorin! A God that makes wrong through His creation is just a God of humankind!

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Only he is limb to the tragedy of the world. The True God has nothing to do with the illusion we live if it is curse or happiness. IF God id all mighty could he create us a life full of accomplishments, where crime and human misery shouldnt exist and why not the animal world without prowler and ravines? That is why the peoples God is imperfect! If God could this and didnt want to, this means that we see the crime through the Life Illusion as being something bad, and seen through the Basic Truth it is something beautiful and thus, God does us well torturing us, or the crime is something bad and thus, God is bad with us for various reasons, or God would wish our best, but He cannot help us because He doesnt have the power and thus, this means he depends on another superior force hostile to us which is the true God that created us by mistake running terrified leaving everything apart? This is not true as God cannot fail because, if He made mistakes, nothing that exists would be true! Then the truth would be a pathetic mistake, so lie! God gave us the possibility to choose! Which is the true God of man? The one that we know through sufferance of this world or the one that we perceive as very good, to whom we pray and build churches, but we dont understand Him, but we fall down to His feet for the coward reason that he would refine us through sufferance as if we and God liked the sufferance? If God likes to harm us although He is almighty and He could have left us without pains under the Sun, this means he is not as good as we would like Him to be. But it is not like that! God doesnt like to harm us. He wants us to lead towards the perfection of the supreme happiness, towards the Basic Truth, Live and Absolute happiness. In order to get there we have to know the evil as much as good, for this one to have a resonance in our souls. If we had known only the truth, this wouldnt have been well because we wouldn't have known hoe well id compared to bad. In the beginning God created the GODLIKE LIGHT that knew the necessity of water to give birth to death that would have come after life. The LIFE LIGHT sprang from the GODLIKE LIGHT that holds the souls of the being through the Life Illusion of our world, through birth of time and space, which are the two illusory dimensions. If the Life Illusion hadnt existed, it would have been much harder in this world where, if we want or not, we have to drink from the sufferance mug in order to understand the happiness. In the beginning there was only one dimension, the LIFE LIGHT that thought to the idea of water before time and space, water from which the being be born, brought from al over the Universe where the spatial or temporal dimension hadnt been yet created but the sole and faultless LIFE LIGHT. Why does the sole real dimension Life Light need other two illusory dimensions, space and time, only the Basic Truth knows. Before everything the LIFE LIGHT created the WATER and floated with its thoughts on the water. Then it created space and time, to gibe breath to the water in order to create the being. Once the space created, the stars appeared, and once the time created their light

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appeared, the birth, death, happiness and sufferance. The difference between the GODLIKE LIGHT and the LIFE LIGHT is that the LIFE LIGHT is that part of the GODLIKE LIGHT that gave birth to the water, leaning against the illusory dimensions of space and time, for us to know what is the breath, to know we exist! And then, for the first time, the WATER was sanctified, giving birth to life together with space and time! It was then born the death and the becoming. God created through Personalization, the existence, its opposite, other and other forms opposite. In each Personalization there are infinity of dimensions and spiritual levels. Our thinking cannot penetrate more than our space related to existence, and all that we call existence refers to the Universe with times and spaces. Out of the water came the illusion knowledge, the illusion consciousness, together with the planets and stars that wouldnt have shone if it hadnt been for the water to recognize their existence, although the Life Illusion shouted as us loud and desert that before the water there would have been the stars with their material, with their shining plasma and, afterwards our solar system would have been formed. The water gives birth to the self consciousness and knowledge. Where would be the Sun now without these? Nowhere! "How do you know, Sorin, that there is only one God? Maybe they are more, and then, which should you believe in? "God is unique, for all that are and more than that. In our world everything happen at its time like the kings and gods that had their times because everything that was born not only under the Sun, but even in the people's head, will disappear! Nothing will rest with the illusory times and spaces that made us know only the Life and Death Illusion. "And yet, Sorin, why did man transform the terrestrial paradise in hell? "Man transformed the terrestrial paradise in hell because he accepted in its past the ancestral self alienation that is the base of the original sin. When man KNEW that KNOWS he didnt want to understand that to know doesnt mean to be more powerful and more praised, but on the contrary, you are weaker and helpless. The mans drama is that he doesn't want to understand that he is not a God, and he will never be and this is the point for self alienation. The humankind tragedy is that man never understood the divinity but through the fears and the possibility to get out of ruck with divine help. The report between man and divinity is similar to that between a handler and an animal. Man needs to be handled. He will never accept the Divinity but under the act of whip If the Divinity didnt have the right force to fulfill certain prayers, if It hadnt the possibility to revenge man in a way or another, then man wouldnt care for the Divinity. "What am I doing in your existence, Sorin?" "From the report between man and Divinity comes its self alienation because man is not human with the divinity, but tamed best. For as long as man wont become human with the divinity, he will suffer of self alienation, because man was built to be human and not beast! For as long as man will stay beast, the world will face wars, cataclysms, various

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sufferance. It will be a time when man is alienate from himself, so that he would wish his death more than anything and the death would come harder. It will be a time when in the same of free speaking, the technology will develop that he wil be surveyed so assiduous that he will never have intimacy. Making reference to the humanness of the human, the most superior social form is the global government, where there are no poor or rich countries, where the low is the same for everyone and where every person may travel freely on the planet given by God, where the ethnic diversities may interflow by understanding and kindness into an uniformity, forgetting the beast inside the human which always dreams to conquer new territories of different domains. We will have to think whether it is good or wrong to conquer certain things? There will be more wars, more misdeeds; only the faith in God will help the human in spite anyone's attempt to deny it, knowing that the human cant be kneeled as long as he has God besides him We will blossomed as the snowdrop that gets out from snow in the spring and nobody can ever take our faith in God, even if it is not enough, we want it from all our heart and soul that we feel to be eternal! Do you really believe in Gods existence? If He were, would we be still looking for him? The stranger looks at me silently, watching me with a glance that seemed to me like radio graphing every particle of my body, and then he tells me: "Sorin, even if you won this battle, this doesnt mean that you won over the whole war. First you have to discover why you was doomed to leave this planet for Terra and how can you wash away your sins. For wining this battle, all I can tell you in this moment is to search behind the time, there where you have already been when you wanted to question Maya; the answer is there." "Why is the answer behind the time and not into it?" "No matter how much you will search it into the time, you will not find it because this will stand still when you will wonder about what is its cause and how can you get forgiveness for your sin to anyone and anyhow. "My existence is developing together with the time and also together with the time I have committed the sin; why should I be obliged to learn of all this from behind the time? Wouldnt this mean that the time is an accomplice to my sin? By saying all this you are doing nothing else but to estrange me by myself using the time. Your play isnt fair." "Im not playing at all, Sorin!" the stranger exclaims "If you are not playing, than all what you are telling is hallucinatory. You are nothing but a phantasm and nothing more, you are this steam from above the ground, becoming nothing more than a fog of the ground. Your dishonesty enjoys me, Stranger. "You are right, Sorin. For as long as I am a phantasm, I will never be the Stranger in you, what I really want to become." "Which is my sin, Stranger?" "Your sin is you, against you, Sorin." "I dont know such a sin, Stranger!" "It is one of the hardest sins, Sorin." "What made you call me Stranger, eventually?" "You won a battle, Sorin". I called you so because I want to be sound and safe in you."

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"If I eliminate you, stranger, I will erase this sin. Am I right?" "You are not right, Sorin." "If you lie to me, stranger, you are nothing else but that previous phantasm. "You are right, Sorin, it is the only way you can save yourself from this punishment." "To which you are the first violin, Stranger! "that is right, Sorin, but you can never defeat me." "Ive already done that, Stranger!" "How?" "FORGIVING!!!" "What?!", repeated the Stranger with a terrible look. "I forgive you, Stranger for everything." What is forgiveness, Sorin?" "It is the superior form of love for fellows." "This time you defeated me forever, Sorin." You can make another step in you climb on the Illusion Mountain, said the Stranger disappearing in nothingness. I am happy I will be near my love, Maya, that I wont be sent back on the Earth. I think that would have happened if I was defeated by the Stranger, but I wont give up in climbing the Illusion Mountain. I go back home. I hardly notice the rays of the reddish Sun that gives to this morning a tile color. When I got home everything was still. In this moment I think that, when I am ready to climb the Illusion Mountain, I should leave behind the time, so that Maya may not miss me. I touch a glass and every thing comes back. "Lets go, my dear, "I am so glad we will be together." And we lived together for eternity, because after a few months spent with her, I left her from behind the time, not before asking her, "Do you want to stay together until death will tear us apart?" "So little", Maya told me. "But for how long?" I asked her. "For eternity", she answered. "Then we will be together eternally!" And that is so, because if she had told me until death, I wouldn't have left from behind the time, but with time! I am at the feet of the Illusion Mountain, on the bank of the lake with Life Water. I look straight into the crystalline undulation of the lake. I feel as the same Sorin Infinite separates from me, Sorin Finite, and then I found his face on the smooth undulation of the lake. "Come," said, and in a moment it was next to me. We go towards the Illusion Mountain and we reached its feet in a short time, although in the Infinite, the idea of time is, at least, funny, because, only you, the finite one, can refer it to a certain reference point which is nothing else but an Illusion. Although we climb, the peak stands away. We managed to climb a quarter of the mountain, finally, waiting for another obstacle that soon appeared, as a white-bearded old man sited in front of us on an armchair what seems to be a golden chair. He held a Scepter in his hand having a snake with diamond eyes inlaid, and in the other hand, it held a hawk that stroke us with its eyes.

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The old man said finally, "Welcome of the Illusion Mountain, dear travelers. If you want to go on with your way, you should first choose the right Path." "I hope you can find it", I said. "To choose it? How many possibilities with have?", said Sorin Infinite. "Only two possibilities, but you have to choose in a certain way that both should become antagonist or they both would open new horizons towards the peaks of this mountain. "If both can become antagonist or both can show us the Path, this means it is not a choice anymore. I know that to choose is to accept one and reject the other, Old man, I said. "This is not available here, said the Oldman. You have to reach that mental level in order to be able to understand." "Say, Old man, what can we do?", said Sorin Infinite. "You should choose the Hawks Path or the Scepters Path so that you could use the Scepters Path in case you have chosen the Hawk's Path or to used the Hawks Path in case you have chosen the Scepter's Path." "What do these symbolize?", I asked the Old man. "The Hawks Path symbolizes the unknown, and the Scepters Path the intuition. Once he finished the last word, the Old man disappeared as suddenly as he had appeared. I felt fear, an atavistic fear that sprang in my soul. "What path do we choose, Sorin Infinite?" "I would prefer the Unknown!" "Why? Why not the intuition?" "Because in the unknown I can develop infinitely while the intuition is a correlative of the finite persons." It is more serious when the dream becomes reality than when the reality becomes dream. "Maybe that is why I would choose it, because I am finite, but the Unknown incites me to embarrass it because it can give me the hope of my finite. We need so much the hope, Sorin Infinite!" Thank you, Sorin Finite, because you have chosen the same path as I did. Suddenly, the Illusion Mountain disappeared. We passed into nothingness where we were always floating. "I cant believe, Sorin Finite." "What, Sorin Infinite?" "We are near the Infinite Time!" "I am somewhere in nothingness." "It is not nothingness, it is the Infinite Time!" "I cannot see it, Sorin Infinite." "We have chose the Hawks Path, the unknown!, Sorin Finite, because we intuited that here it is the Infinite Time!" "What can I do to see it, Sorin Infinite?" "Intuit, Sorin Finite!" I intuited in nothingness the Infinite Time!, becoming one and the same person with Sorin Infinite. The Old Man appeared in that moment holding in his arms the Scepter and the Hawk, saying: "You reached the top of the Illusion Mountain, Sorin!" Look towards the far away horizons that you wanted so much to see.

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Look towards the Basic Truth! Enjoy the greatness of all that you can see! There is nothing before me, but I intuited the happiness, hope and love, given by the Infinite Father for us to wish to climb the Illusion Mountain! I dont know why I screamed, "Where are you, Godlike Light?!" "I am right here, beside you, Sorin, "Where?" "In your thoughts, I remained only there. Look at me only in your thoughts. A so very beautiful woman appeared in front of my eyes, surrounded by transparent ray of lights that formed a bow around Her, giving her a note o greatness and splendor by the beautiful color of the rays. "You are, Godlike Light", I told her very surprised. "I am the one that it is, Sorin." "I am so glad to see you, finally, Godlike Light." "No, dear Sorin, we dont see each other, we only think and contemplate about each other "And then why do I see you as if it was a meeting in full day in a beautiful image?" "Dont forget, Sorin, you are on the top of the Illusion Mountain and here it is my Shelter! The Contemplation Illusion gives birth to feeling! This is the little secret through which you can see me, but I am not only this transparent image that you see, dear Sorin!" "Who are you in fact, Godlike Light?" "I am the entire ugly and beautiful image that you can imagine." "Why do I see you so beautiful and why do I feel you so close to my soul?" "Here comes the Basic Truth for the first time, that flies on the wings of the winds from nowhere and that states the you, Sorin, you are a defeater because you manage to climb to the top of the Illusion Mountain, and you would never have been able to reach this top if you hadnt felt Me next to you. "But why did the Old Man with eh Scepter and the Hawk disappeared, Godlike Light?" He had to disappear because that Old Man was me, but with another face. When you look towards the horizons of the infinite located on the top of the Illusion Mountain, I had to take the face that was more adequate for you from energetically, Sorin. But, for every soul that really arrives here, the My most adequate energetic face is that of fluffiness, even for a moment, of its whishes. This is the Eternity, this id the Infinite, this is the Basic Truth! And now you must turn back from where you came." Where should I go back, Godlike Light?" "Back to the worlds of the Universes." "Why? I would like to stay with you forever!" "This can be done, as you will never see me again with all my faces in the same time, because eyou are a being, Sorin!" "No matter how far I reach on the Contemplation Path, Godlike Light?" "No matter how far, dear Sorin." "Not even if I deepen in the Infinite, but also Finite profoundness of my being?" "Not even then, Sorin!" "But you said that part of you is in my being, too!"

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"Not now, dear Sorin." "Why not now?" "Because this time you are in me and not Me in you, Sorin. "I dont understand, Godlike Light." "You are infinite now, Sorin, you are infinite and thats why you are in My soul as I was in your soul when you were finite." "But I want to see you, I feel so lonely and left without you. What can I do to see you again?" "Just to become Finite, Sorin." "If I become finite, will you come to me again?" "Every time you will need Me, every time you'll feel that a piece of Me is in you soul as I feel a piece of you that is in My souls when you are infinite, Sorin." Why all these, Godlike Light, why once in the top of the Illusion Mountain instead of seeing you eternally, although I am part of you, not only o dont see you, but I dont even feel that happiness, love and fulfillment that you brought when I was finite?" "Because I didnt feel that happiness and completeness then that I have now when I feel you in my heart, dear Sorin." "Why, Godlike Light, why dont we can meet each other?" "It is a Destiny, Sorin!" "A Destiny?" "It is a Destiny for the Infinite not to meet the Finite." "Why, Godlike Light?" "Because they depend one on each other, and a meeting would bring their death, because the Finite is the Finite compared to Infinite and Infinite is the Infinite compared to the Finite, this is why we cant see each other, but in the hypothesis from the Illusion Mountain, because I am the Infinite for you when you are Finite and the Finite in you when you are Infinite!" I will fight the Destiny! I will destroy it and we will always be together." "No, you shouldn't, Sorin!" "Why? Dont you want us to meet?" "I want this so much, but I will never realize it, because, even if the Law was changed, and Its Destiny destroyed forever and together with It, our Infinite and Finite that is our Destiny, we would disappear together with the life, and the Destiny would end in the Prophesies of the End that never had a Beginning, disappearing It, too, because we are in the first place Destiny!, and then Infinite and Finite, and the Destiny is the Intuition that holds the Unknown or the Scepter that holds the Hawk! All these will disappear if we met, dear Sorin." "You told me you can show me worlds where there are all the possible hypostases that I can ever imagine." "I will show this to you, Sorin, but you should become Finite for this, and I am going to lose you again for a while of all the times in Me." "Let's go from here through other and other worlds, Godlike Light!" "I dont think it is good to wander through worlds as so far, Sorin!" "Why, Godlike Light, why it wouldnt be good to wander through these worlds?" "Because you are not anymore the beforehand soul, because you soul met the infinite climbing the Illusion Mountain for the first time in its eternity, reaching the Infinite Time that holds in its hands the Scepter and the Hawk. You soul has now the dimension of the Infinite together with the dimension of the Finite, it is a complex soul that knows where the hard Path from the Illusion Mountain leads to, it knows what cannlot be known because it is only the cold and unsmooth Desntiny, dear Sorin, how much I love you!"

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"I will go back to death and life, to end and beginning to .." "No, dear Sorin, dont go low-spirited, go with your heart full of joy because you have becoem again your own Destiny!" "I feel like crying, Godlike Light, I am so low-spirited, and you tell me to go back to the eternal ends that cant begin in my heart anymore. I didnt believe that on the top of the Illusion Mountain I would lose you more than find you. If I knew, I would have never climbed so far. Why? Why didnt you tell me, Godlike Light? "Now that you know, are you happier, Sorin?" "No, no way!" "This is why I havent told you." You deserved your own moments of happiness, within a reality where there is no temporality, so moments. Do you realize now, Sorin, how much you need Illusion, Sorin? Do you think I dont want to climb this mountain? Do you think that, as Infinite, as Infinite Spiritual Energy I dont need to climb this mountain?" "Even you, my dear Godlike Light?" "Maybe more than you, Sorin." "What is truly Holly, Godlike Light?" You, the Spiritual Energy, beauty, love?" All these have their level of holiness, but the most holly id the Mountain of Illusion that climbed, Sorin! This is the Holly Mountain! If we dont devote to it as we should, all loves and beauties would disappear like a smoke in the wing blow." "How should we devote to it, Godlike Light?" "Believing in Illusion!" "Is this the Destiny?" "Yes, Sorin, this is the Destiny, to believe in Illusion!" "What happen if we dont believe?" "We disappear forever, Sorin." "To believe in Illusion is similar to accept a Destiny that separated us forever, Godlike Light?" "Regretfully, Sorin, but it is so!" "To become always Finite next to your Infinity or Infinite when you are Finite through my Infinity?!" "This is the destiny, Sorin!" "Now, go, Sorin!, you have to go, my dear, because I am burnt myself by a yearning fire, and if you dont go, we will destroy ourselves, forever. "What fire, my dear Godlike Light?" "It is the vivid fire of the Destiny that doesnt forgive and bustles me to send you away as fast as possible. Do you want to die, Sorin?" "How should I want something like this, I love you, Godlike Light." "I begin to burn, Sorin!" I decided then to become Finite and to come back to Maya, the beautiful girl I had left running from behind the time wishing so much to become eternal and infinite!

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I met Maya again and we lived together a lifetime, then I went back to the Godlike Light. I dont even know how I entered the stellar tunnel so known, through which I went in a higher and higher speed. When I opened my eyes, I realized that during a few hours of sleep, I had lived more lives in other worlds while I was sleeping beside my wife, Dana Christine. It was spring and at dawn, you could hear the birds that didnt know how many worlds I wandered through last night. After a while, I began writing a book about these encounters with the Godlike Light, even more, I visited the Sphinx in the Carpathian Mountains, together with my wife, and we picked some nail-sized pebbles from the mountain feet as souvenirs. I knew well that place where, not long ago from the terrestrial point of view I was together with the Godlike Light. I didnt look for Jane Katra this time because I realized there was no sense in doing that. I knew I would find her once. One day, in some strange circumstances, I received an e-mail from somewhere from Virginia from a certain Jane Katra having asked me where I wrote her from? I answered that I knew about that name from the Godlike Light, although I thought it was a simple coincidence of names, that she would never answer me with LIGHT J., as the Godlike Light used to call me once. The message I received was this: "I am survivor of a near-death experience, and I have come back from The Light to Bring spiritual healing to world, as a healer. So, Light is compelling and magnetic. Light Jane I have no words to explain what I felt when I read this :LIGHT JANE! Waited for so long I felt like laughing, crying, jumping with joy, but in the same time, I was overwhelmed with emotion that not even a searcher would feel when finds himself on the verge of a great discovery. Jane. Katra, really exists and it is not any Jane Katra, but the one that answered me with that Light Jane, without knowing that it was exactly what I was waiting for. I hardly realized that the greatness of the worlds I had passed through proved to be as real as possible, that I was really carried by the Wings of the Godlike Light. I know there is going to be a day when I come back to the Godlike Light, when the life I still have to live near the Godlike Light worth nothing, not even a split moment, since I separated from HER.

Testament
Yesterday night, October 22nd, 2005, I decided not to be buried, for nothing in the world, in a grave where my body putrefies even if my soul left it. Not because it would

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matter, but because the purifying energy of the fire will achieve the Destiny that was given to me. I want to be burnt, and my ash should be taken to the Sphinx in the Bucegi Mountain, Romania, by my wife, Dana Christine, if she lives more than me, if not, by anybody else, and should be thrown into the wind floating on its wings towards the mountains at the horizon. I dont want any funeral symbol, cross or commemorative tablet to remember that in that place, the ash of my body was returned to the nature that had conceived it, and that I loved from all my heart, my whole life. I dont want tears or boring corteges that are useless. Death is a new birth. I will revive freer and happier next to the Godlike Light, my personages Irene, Christine, Lama, Anthony Mc Coulough, where I will dearly be waiting for those closed to me from the world with times and spaces that I havent left yet, or I will meet again those that said already goodbye before me. I dont have wealth and I havent liked it at all, because wealth and greed belong to our darkness. Although NEW ERA will bring certain wealth, I prefer it will be used by my successors to cover certain strict needs, and the redundancy should be used in helping the poor and the sick. Dont forget that the earthy life is nothing else but a bit of time due to the Life Illusion that cant even be compared to the Eternity through the same Life Illusion. May the happiness, fulfillment and recapture embarrass you. Sorin Cerin

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