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What is Narcissistic
Parental Alienation
Syndrome?
Medically reviewed by Akilah Reynolds,
PhD — By Traci Pedersen — Updated on
Sep 15, 2022

What is narcissistic parental alienation syndrome?

Warning signs Causes Tips Recap

Is your child being coerced into

disliking you? This is known as
narcissistic parental alienation
syndrome.

You may have found that your once-healthy

relationship with your children has become
increasingly strained after your difficult
divorce. Your children are now avoidant,
disrespectful, or even cruel.

You may have noticed your kids have started

to sound like your ex-partner when they
criticize you. As a result, you might suspect
that your ex is bad-mouthing you and
possibly even manipulating your children
into disliking you.

This phenomenon, known as narcissistic

parental alienation syndrome, is a severe
issue many parents worldwide have
experienced.
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What is narcissistic parental

alienation syndrome?
Narcissistic parental alienation syndrome, or
parental alienation syndrome (PAS), occurs
when one parent coercively tries to alienate
their child from an otherwise loving parent.
This manipulation then results in the child’s
dislike or rejection of the alienated parent.

The term first emerged in the 1980s when

American child psychiatrist Richard Gardner
began noticing this behavior during child-
custody disputes.

Gardner found that one parent would

purposefully program (or brainwash) the
child with certain ideas and attitudes about
the other parent, even when these ideas
were at odds with the child’s actual
experiences.

The child would then “join in” vilifying the

targeted parent, often because these
behaviors were highly reinforced and
rewarded by the alienating parent.

Importantly, the term PAS is only applicable

when the targeted person is considered a
good parent and hasn’t done anything to
warrant this alienation. This term does not
apply if the alienated parent is truly abusive.

What is narcissistic parental

brainwashing?

Narcissistic parental brainwashing occurs

when a parent with narcissistic tendencies
psychologically manipulates the child into
thinking false narratives about the other
parent. This could entail painting the other
parent as dangerous, unloving, unintelligent,
or somehow not good for the child.

Many PAS children respond to this

programming in such a way that they seem
to completely forget or suppress any positive
feelings or experiences they’ve had with the
targeted parent.

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Warning signs of parental

alienation syndrome
Signs of PAS may include the following:

unjustified or irrational campaign to

vilify loving parent

child’s extreme idealization of one

parent over the other (black-and-white
thinking)

vilification of the targeted parent’s

entire family and friends

support of the child’s negative actions

and attitudes toward the targeted
parent

denial of guilt or lack of empathy over

the cruel treatment toward the targeted
parent

the child’s “own” opinion are highly

emphasized by the manipulative parent
(e.g. “Chelsea just doesn’t like her dad,
and she shouldn’t be forced to see
him.”

the child uses the same tone that the

narcissistic parent uses toward the
targeted parent

Examples of narcissistic parental

alienation

Narcissistic parental alienation may look like

the following:

The offending parent purposefully

interferes with the targeted parent’s
time with the child. E.g. The other
parent shows up to “volunteer” in the
school cafeteria when they know you
will be having lunch with your child.

The offending parent tells the child

that the other parent isn’t interested
in their life. “Your mother probably isn’t
going to show up to get you today. She
abandoned you before and will
probably do it again.”

The offending parent is

uncompromising regarding the
parenting schedule. E.g. You ask to
switch custody days because you have
an important doctor’s appointment on
Wednesday, but the other parent
refuses to compromise, causing you to
miss a day with your child.

The offending parent consistently

talks badly about the other parent.
“Your father doesn’t have any morals.”

The offending parent rewards the

child for talking badly about the other
parent. “I don’t blame you for feeling
that way. Let’s go get some ice cream
together.”

The offending parent acts hurt when

the child is kind to the targeted
parent.

The child copies the offending

parent’s words and tone while
speaking to the targeted parent. “You
can never be on time, Dad.”

The offending parent would rather

harm the child than benefit the
targeted parent. E.g. The parent
refuses to let your child go on a fun trip
with you for nonsensical reasons.

The child feels like they have to

“choose” between parents.
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What causes narcissistic

parental alienation?
Evidence suggests that parental alienation
often occurs in very tense and volatile
separations or divorces, particularly when
there are bitter child custody battles.

However, for PAS to even occur, one parent

must be willing to act unusually cruelly and
callously. These behaviors often point to
narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which
is characterized by a grandiose sense of self,
a strong need for admiration, and a lack of
empathy.

These parents tend to value their interests

over the child’s well-being and will stop at
nothing to “win” against or “punish” the
other parent.

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How to navigate narcissistic

parental alienation syndrome
It’s can be difficult for a targeted parent to
navigate parenting with a co-parent showing
signs of narcissistic parental alienation
syndrome.

If you suspect your co-parent is trying to

alienate you from your child, try your best to
have a friend or family member present
when you speak with them. This can help
you stay grounded if the co-parent is
consistently gaslighting you or using
manipulation.

You may also want to work with a licensed

therapist or family therapist to find ways to
navigate this difficult situation. Additionally,
in severe cases, you may want to consider
hiring a lawyer.

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Let’s recap
Narcissistic parental alienation syndrome
occurs when a parent with narcissistic traits
attempts to maliciously alienate their child
from an otherwise loving parent. This is often
accomplished by attacking the other parent’s
character in front of the child.

This manipulation can then lead to the

child’s own rejection and feelings of dislike
toward the targeted parent.

If you are living with this situation, consider

reaching out to a mental health professional
to help you navigate this challenging
situation.

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Last medically reviewed on September 14, 2022

 2 sources

Gardner RA. (2002). The parental alienation

syndrome: Past, present, and future.
richardagardner.com/ar22

Von Boch-Galhau W. (2020). Parental alienation:

A serious form of child psychological abuse - A
worldwide health problem.
gavinpublishers.com/article/view/parental-
alienation-a-serious-form-of-child-psychological-
abuse-a-worldwide-health-problem

v  FEEDBACK:  

How to Co-Parent with

Someone with Narcissistic
Traits: 5 Tips
Medically reviewed by Joslyn Jelinek, LCSW — By
Simone Marie on February 23, 2022

Recognizing signs Challenges Tips

If things don’t work Takeaway

Co-parenting with someone who

shows narcissistic traits is tough —
but there are ways to cope. Here
are some tips.

Maskot/Getty Images

Co-parenting, which is a shared parenting

arrangement by two people who aren’t in a
relationship and are living apart, can be
challenging, even under the best
circumstances.

After all, you’re making decisions about your

kids’ education, medical care, religious
upbringing, and other important things with a
person whom you may not like or agree with.

But co-parenting can be particularly

challenging if you’re trying to do it with
someone who has narcissistic traits or lives
with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a
personality disorder that affects
approximately 6.2% of U.S. adults.

“NPD is when someone has an inflated

sense of self,” explains Alexander
Burgemeester, a neuropsychologist and
founder and creator of The Narcissistic Life.
This can make them seem self-centered,
lacking in empathy, or entitled. They may
also have a big need for attention and
recognition, which can make it difficult to
make decisions together.

“It goes far beyond having a ‘big ego’ and

can actually threaten the relationship they
have with others,” Burgemeester says.
Because they could be more focused on
themselves they may not realize the impact
their actions have on others, whether that’s
you or their child.
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How to tell if you’re co-

parenting with someone with
narcissistic traits
Not everyone who exhibits narcissistic traits
has NPD — only a mental health professional
can diagnose the personality disorder.

Most people display at least one narcissistic

trait at some point, but that doesn’t mean
they have NPD. It’s important not to assign
the label just because we see one or two of
the traits.

However, some people exhibit more than

one narcissistic trait, and someone with NPD
tends to exhibit most, if not all, of the traits in
a more severe, frequent, and long lasting
manner.

Some of these narcissistic traits, according to

the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5),
include:

exaggerated self-importance or
feelings of superiority

low empathy for others

strong beliefs that they’re special

constant need for attention, praise, and

admiration

desire for special treatment

entitlement

a tendency to envy others

assumptions that others must be

jealous or envious of them

a habit of using manipulation tactics or

exploiting others

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Challenges when co-parenting

with someone with NPD
People who display narcissistic traits or live
with NPD can be challenging to deal with
when you’re trying to co-parent. Some of the
challenges you may encounter include:

They may prioritize their own needs

 over yours or your child’s

“Someone who has narcissistic traits tends

to put themselves first,” explains
Burgemeester. This means they may ignore
or test your boundaries and disregard your
requests, especially if it’s inconvenient to
them or gets in the way of their own wants,
needs, or emotions.

In addition, they also may not be able to put

their child’s needs first, says John
Carnesecchi, a licensed social worker who
specializes in diverse mediation and family
therapy. This could result in them:

not being willing to stop arguing in

front of your child

fighting custody and other agreements

you’ve made

refusing to be flexible

canceling or changing your kid’s

appointments or routine to suit their
needs

They may be sensitive to criticism

In their attempt to gain praise and attention,

people with NPD or narcissistic traits can be
very sensitive to criticism, seeing even
constructive feedback as a personal attack.
This can lead to increased conflict.

They may make you the ‘bad guy’

In an attempt to make themselves look

better, they may cast you as “the bad guy” in
your separation or any parenting decision
that your child doesn’t like. This is because
people with NPD tend to externalize blame
because they don’t believe they’re ever at
fault for something that goes wrong.

They may also parent with less structure or

rules than you do to seem like the “fun”
parent and gain praise and admiration from
your kids. And, since they tend to show low
empathy, they may show little empathy for
how this makes you look to your kids.

They may try to manipulate you or the

kids

“One of the biggest challenges a family

faces when there is a parent who has these
narcissistic traits is that they will exploit the
co-parent or children in order to get
something they want,” explains
Burgemeester.

For example, he says, “they may force the

co-parent to do what they say in order to
avoid being put down and talking ill about
them in front of the kids. This can seriously
affect the children and their perception of
their parents.”

They might also try to offer your kids love

and affection only as conditional rewards or
punish them for their lack of obedience or
for challenging their authority.
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Tips for co-parenting

successfully with someone with
narcissistic traits
While it may be challenging, it’s possible to
co-parent with someone with narcissistic
traits. Here are some tips you can try:

Establish a firm, legal parenting plan

It’s important to set clear boundaries for

yourself and your kids — such as who has
the kids, what you’re OK and not OK with —
and to ensure those boundaries can be
legally maintained.

“In order to successfully co-parent with

someone who has narcissistic traits, you
need to establish a solid parenting plan, and
to make sure anything you both decide upon
is documented,” says Burgemeester. This
will protect you and your kids should your
co-parent try to disregard your wishes.

“You want to make sure you have proof of

every conversation or deal you had when it
comes to your children,” he adds.

Carnesecchi recommends using a lawyer to

hash out co-parenting schedules and legal
agreements on:

religion

education

medical decisions

visitation

holidays

finances

You can also ask for a court-appointed

person, or guardian ad litem, to help
determine what’s best for your kids, or hire a
mediator to serve as a go-between for
communication between you and your co-
parent.

Try to control your emotions around

them

People with narcissistic traits or NPD tend to

try to get a reaction from people. That’s why,
says Carnesecchi, it can be helpful to control
your reactions and emotions to their
behavior.

“[Try] to stay calm and do not allow their

emotional rollercoaster to affect your
emotional wellness,” he says. Instead, “keep
the relationship as a business relationship
and speak only in ‘matter of fact’ terms and
do not voice your emotional feelings or
share private and personal information.

“You are no longer responsible for coddling

your ex, taking care of your ex, and more
importantly, you no longer need to feel
obligated or committed to subject yourself to
manipulation, abuse, and selfish behaviors,”
he adds.

Protect your kids from the conflict and

negativity

Try to keep any conflict or disagreements

you’re having with your co-parent away from
your children. This means that you should
discuss anything contentious out of ear-shot
from your child whenever possible.

Even if your co-parent says something

negative about you, try not to do the same
thing back as name-calling or ranting just
pulls your kids into the middle of things —
which could have a negative effect on them
in the long term.

Parent with love and empathy

You can’t control your co-parent’s behavior

but you can control how you parent your
kids — and your love, kindness, and empathy
will go a long way.

“[Try] to protect them from negativity and

keep your household a peaceful
environment,” says Carnesecchi. “Create a
loving, safe home. You do not need a two-
parent home to give your child a sense of
security and confidence.”

Research  has shown that children who

grow up with parents who have NPD
sometimes experience difficulties with their
own self-esteem later and they’re at greater
risk  of developing their own mental health
or psychiatric issues when they grow up. So
try to do your best to be a positive role
model that leads from an empathetic, caring
place.

“When in your care,” Carnesecchi continues,

“allow for open communication, build up
their confidence and self-esteem, and teach
them coping skills.”

Consider individual or family therapy

If you’re finding it difficult to deal with the

challenges co-parenting is presenting you,
it’s OK to ask for help. A licensed therapist
can work with you individually to help you
figure out how to navigate this difficult
situation.

You may also consider joining a support

group for separated or divorced parents, or a
narcissistic abuse recovery support group
online.

You can also send your children to a

therapist if you think they’re having a difficult
time with the new parenting dynamic — or
find a family therapist who can see you and
your child together if you think that’s
appropriate.

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What if things don’t work out?

The truth is, sometimes, it may not be
possible to co-parent with someone with
NPD or severe narcissistic traits.

If your ex ever becomes emotionally or

physically abusive, no tips or tricks are going
to be enough. The only effective remedy is
to remove your kids from your ex’s care to
keep them safe.

This might mean seeking sole custody or

asking for visitation under supervision via
court order. This is where the documentation
you have can help you begin the process.

Can a parent lose custody for having

NPD?

Yes. A parent can lose custody of their child

if their narcissistic traits or NPD is not
managed and begins to negatively affect
their children’s physical or emotional well-
being.

If you think you need to remove your child

from your ex’s care, you can get help by
contacting the department of family and
protective services in your area or by calling
the National Domestic Violence Hotline
(800−799−7233) for more information.

What’s next?
Co-parenting with someone who has
narcissistic traits or NPD can be difficult, but
there are things you can do to protect
yourself, your parenting arrangement, and
your children. In most cases, these steps
may be enough to allow both of you to
continue being in your kids’ lives.

However, if it ever gets to be too difficult,

there are therapists and support groups that
can help you. Plus, the court system is also
there to help in the more serious cases to
ensure your children grow up safely.

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Last medically reviewed on February 23, 2022

 7 sources

Baskin-Sommer A, et al. (2016). Empathy in

narcissistic personality disorder: From clinical
and empirical perspectives.
doi.apa.org/doiLanding?
doi=10.1037%2Fper0000061

Berg-Nielsen TS, et al. (2012). The mental health

of preschoolers in a Norwegian population-
based study when their parents have symptoms
of borderline, antisocial, and narcissistic
personality disorders: At the mercy of
unpredictability.
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3464890/

Burgemeester A. (2021). Personal interview.

Carnesecchi J. (2021). Personal interview.

Coppola G, et al. (2020). The apple of daddy’s

eye: Parental overvaluation links the narcissistic
traits of father and child.
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7432641/

Stinson FS, et al. (n.d.). Prevalence, correlates,

disability, and comorbidity of DSM-IV narcissistic
personality disorder: Results from the wave 2
national epidemiologic survey on alcohol and
related conditions.
psychiatrist.com/jcp/medical/comorbidity/preval
ence-correlates-disability-comorbidity-dsm-iv-
narcissistic-personality-disorder-wave-2-nesarc/

What is a guardian ad litem? (2018).

ptla.org/what-guardian-ad-litem

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