Additional Resources / Bibby DOMESTIKA.

ORG

Altering Tone

In class, we looked at simplifying sentences, inserting punctuation that changes the rhythm of the
language. In this document, we’ll look at the practice of expanding sentences, linking individual
sentences together to create more complicated grammar.

First, let’s look at this social media post from Gary Provost.

This color-coded sample is very good at showing how changing up your grammar can create
beautiful flow of the written word.
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The important caveat to that recommendation is understanding why and when to change up your
language. In order to do that, let’s look at the opening lines from Annie Proulx’s short story
“Brokeback Mountain.”

They had a high-time supper by the fire, a can of beans each, fried potatoes and a quart of
whisky on shares. They sat with their backs against a log, boot soles and copper jeans rivets hot.
They swapped the bottle while the lavender sky emptied of color and the chill air drained down.
Drinking, smoking cigarettes, they got up every now and then to piss, firelight throwing a sparkle
in the arched stream. They tossed sticks on the fire so they could keep talking, about horses and
rodeo, roughstock events, wrecks and injuries sustained. They talked about the submarine
Thresher lost two months earlier with all hands and how it must have been in the last doomed
minutes. They talked about their own lives, dogs each had owned and known, the draft, Jack’s
home ranch where his father and mother held on, Ennis’s family place folded years ago after his
folks died, the older brother in Signal and a married sister in Casper. Jack said his father had been
a pretty well known bullrider years back but kept his secrets to himself, never gave Jack a word
of advice, never came once to see Jack ride. Though it was his father who had put him on the
woolies when he was a little kid. Ennis said the kind of riding that interested him lasted longer
than eight seconds and had some point to it. Money’s a good point, said Jack, and Ennis had to
agree. They were respectful of each other’s opinions, each glad to have a companion where
none had been expected. Ennis, riding against the wind back to the sheep in the treacherous,
drunken light. He thought he’d never had such a good time. He felt he could paw the white out
of the moon.

Right now, that’s 15 sentences. The sentences are relatively simple and the language is rooted in
locale—they use words that reference their world as cowboys in Wyoming, in the United States.

Emotionally, what is going on with the characters? Jack and Ennis are “glad to have a
companion where none had been expected.” An unexpected companionship that keeps them
talking well into the night. So, how can the language support that emotion?

The idea is to create a greater degree of breathlessness that comes with excitement. And, as we’ll
see in the next page, a way to also avoid repetitive language.
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Look how often this paragraph uses the word “they”:

They had a high-time supper by the fire, a can of beans each, fried potatoes and a quart of
whisky on shares. They sat with their backs against a log, boot soles and copper jeans rivets hot.
They swapped the bottle while the lavender sky emptied of color and the chill air drained down.
Drinking, smoking cigarettes, they got up every now and then to piss, firelight throwing a sparkle
in the arched stream. They tossed sticks on the fire so they could keep talking, about horses and
rodeo, roughstock events, wrecks and injuries sustained. They talked about the submarine
Thresher lost two months earlier with all hands and how it must have been in the last doomed
minutes. They talked about their own lives, dogs each had owned and known, the draft, Jack’s
home ranch where his father and mother held on, Ennis’s family place folded years ago after his
folks died, the older brother in Signal and a married sister in Casper. Jack said his father had been
a pretty well known bullrider years back but kept his secrets to himself, never gave Jack a word
of advice, never came once to see Jack ride. Though it was his father who had put him on the
woolies when he was a little kid. Ennis said the kind of riding that interested him lasted longer
than eight seconds and had some point to it. Money’s a good point, said Jack, and Ennis had to
agree. They were respectful of each other’s opinions, each glad to have a companion where
none had been expected. Ennis, riding against the wind back to the sheep in the treacherous,
drunken light. He thought he’d never had such a good time. He felt he could paw the white out
of the moon.

Is there a way to fix that? How else might we push the language to mimic the breathless
excitement of meeting someone we’re simpatico with? What if we took out all of these periods,
using continuous past verb form (-ing verbs) instead of simple past?

They had a high-time supper by the fire, a can of beans each, fried potatoes and a quart of
whisky on shares. They sat with their backs against a log, boot soles and copper jeans rivets hot.
They swapped the bottle while the lavender sky emptied of color and the chill air drained down.
Drinking, smoking cigarettes, they got up every now and then to piss, firelight throwing a sparkle
in the arched stream. They tossed sticks on the fire so they could keep talking, about horses and
rodeo, roughstock events, wrecks and injuries sustained. They talked about the submarine
Thresher lost two months earlier with all hands and how it must have been in the last doomed
minutes. They talked about their own lives, dogs each had owned and known, the draft, Jack’s
home ranch where his father and mother held on, Ennis’s family place folded years ago after his
folks died, the older brother in Signal and a married sister in Casper. Jack said his father had been
a pretty well known bullrider years back but kept his secrets to himself, never gave Jack a word
of advice, never came once to see Jack ride. Though it was his father who had put him on the
woolies when he was a little kid. Ennis said the kind of riding that interested him lasted longer
than eight seconds and had some point to it. Money’s a good point, said Jack, and Ennis had to
agree. They were respectful of each other’s opinions, each glad to have a companion where
none had been expected. Ennis, riding against the wind back to the sheep in the treacherous,
drunken light. He thought he’d never had such a good time. He felt he could paw the white out
of the moon.
Additional Resources / Bibby DOMESTIKA.ORG

This is what happens when we remove nine periods and rework the sentences:

They had a high-time supper by the fire, a can of beans each, fried potatoes and a quart of
whisky on shares, sat with their backs against a log, boot soles and copper jeans rivets hot,
swapping the bottle while the lavender sky emptied of color and the chill air drained down,
drinking, smoking cigarettes, getting up every now and then to piss, firelight throwing a sparkle
in the arched stream, tossing sticks on the fire to keep the talk going, talking horses and rodeo,
roughstock events, wrecks and injuries sustained, the submarine Thresher lost two months
earlier with all hands and how it must have been in the last doomed minutes, dogs each had
owned and known, the draft, Jack’s home ranch where his father and mother held on, Ennis’s
family place folded years ago after his folks died, the older brother in Signal and a married sister
in Casper. Jack said his father had been a pretty well known bullrider years back but kept his
secrets to himself, never gave Jack a word of advice, never came once to see Jack ride, though he
had put him on the woolies when he was a little kid. Ennis said the kind of riding that interested
him lasted longer than eight seconds and had some point to it. Money’s a good point, said Jack,
and Ennis had to agree. They were respectful of each other’s opinions, each glad to have a
companion where none had been expected. Ennis, riding against the wind back to the sheep in
the treacherous, drunken light, thought he’d never had such a good time, felt he could paw the
white out of the moon.

We go from 15 sentences to 6! Look how long that first sentences is! It’s a complicated,
breathless sentences listing all the ways they connected with each other. It’s grammatically
correct, but not common; it does ask for the reader to track a lot of information. You wouldn’t
use that type of sentence structure randomly in the story. Nor would you use that just for the sake
of altering the musicality of your story. You use it when it supports the emotional undercurrent
of the narrative.

Two people meet and have an unexpected connection and the language mimics the energy of that
meeting.

That’s exactly why the excerpt, above, is the original opening for the story.

You can do this same exercise with your own pieces. Look at a place where you’re trying to hit a
certain emotional note. Maybe, it’s an action-packed place and your long sentences are dragging
the action. Or, maybe it’s a deep, emotive part where short sentences interrupt the flow of
feeling. Like we did in class, or like we did in this deep dive, break up or build up the sentences
to support your story!