- Dear journal,

I know this entry is a little late,

but it took me a while

to really reflect on

what the heck happened last year.

I entered this new decade

wide-eyed hoping to see the world

in crystal clear 2020 vision.

And surprisingly, I got what I wanted. ( đtị đọc nhẹ

My 2020 experience was an x-ray

that revealed everything

that I needed to work on.

And it showed me everything

that was important to me.

I started off new year's

day like I always do.
Happy New year! 2020,

but this year felt special and sparkly

because it was the first time

I wasn't quietly suffering

from a hangover around my family.

One of the best decisions

I made in 2020 was to do a dry January.

Like I would like to have a dry January

like not even a glass of wine. (glass of beer)

I use alcohol a lot as like a,

I dunno like a social crutch

and a social lubricant.

I never really questioned my relationship

with alcohol until I turned 29.

Hangovers felt oppressive.

They became psychological marathons

where I'd deliberate my

existence, my purpose

yet I was worried that without

alcohol, I couldn't have fun

and most importantly

that I wouldn't be fun.

I assumed that my drunk self

was my most interesting self.

This was why I was so proud,

that I made it to the end of dry January.

I was successfully sober for 31 days.

I learned that I could still be my sweet

and charming self without booze.

Every morning, I woke up with such clarity

and an enthusiasm for life.

I felt 100% all the time.

Happy new year!

- In February my work schedule

started to blast off again.

And as glamorous as my life looked

I kind of felt like a shell.

Now don't get me wrong

I am extremely privileged
to have traveled for work

but if I am perfectly honest,

I don't miss these trips.

The objective of these trips are

to sell you a dream, a fantasy.

And I like to think of it as a set.

It's purely a highlight reel

and they shouldn't be

compared to those trips

when you're traveling for

yourself at your leisure.

But I did have the pleasure

of going on a short

and sweet solo trip to

San Francisco that month.

I signed up for a Rising Strong conference

based off Brene Brown's work.

I felt the whole scope of emotions

while I was out there from awkwardness,

fear, joy, pride, gratitude.

I felt so out of my
element when I was there,

but in hindsight it gave

me so much confidence

and I was able to discover

what my three values in

life were at the time.

So my values are connection,

curiosity, and excellence.

At the end of March, COVID hit.

It was terrifying,

nothing like this had ever

happened in our generation.

And suddenly we were all

confined to our own homes

with this mysterious

virus floating around.

It was a huge adjustment

for so many of us.

I recognize the deep privilege I had

to be able to work from home

and to self isolate with Ben and Cheeky.

It was changed nonetheless.

There was so much doubt and fear

and I really struggled to

make sense of any of it.

Everything felt like it was

out of control because it was,

life gave us part of uncertainty

and it was our job to try

and accept it and sit with the discomfort.

In April my Virgo mind had meltdowns,

looking for certainty and structure.

It was trying to find
something to control.

So my body was the first thing

my mind tried to discipline.

I downloaded calorie tracking apps,

weighed myself every morning

and documented every calorie I burned

but after a few "good days" I'd unravel

and I'd emotionally eat

until my stomach hurt.

And then after I'd wear

something pretty unflattering

and just say really mean

things about myself.

I guess we're done here.

I had regressed
into that toxic relationship
with my body again,

it was frustrating and there

was so much self-loathing.

By May I was sick and tired of this loop.

I couldn't live like this anymore.

It was not sustainable.

I had to tackle my
relationship with me first.

I highly recommend this

book by Geneen Roth.

It gave me the tools to

get myself back on track

on eating mindfully

and being more compassionate

with myself again.

Marriages are work and

when you're around someone

all the time talk with no

distractions and uncertainty

that relationship is gonna get tested.

Couples therapy was an amazing tool for us

because it gave us a method

to communicate clearly with one another.

Our therapist would

listen to both our sides

and then restate it in a

condensed analyzed way.

It smoothed out all the miscommunication

and we were able to work

on being a unit again.

It also set the tone on

how we would communicate
with each other throughout
the rest of the year.

These tools and methods

we learned in therapy were invaluable

and made our relationship even stronger.

On top of the virus spreading,

unemployment soaring,

We had enough with the systemic oppression

and police brutality on Black lives.

Millions of us were so
furious about these murders.

I felt helpless.

You kind of hit a wall after

you send out your emails,

sign your petitions, donate.

It never felt like enough.

I had to take a step
away from social media

because all I was doing

was doom scrolling.

This is when I realized

that what I can do is listen and learn.

So I read books, read articles,

watched documentaries and talks.

It was a wake up call to

continue to educate myself

with what's happening in

our political climate.

July hit different.

I read "How To Change Your

Mind" by Michael Pollan.

And it was a resource that

I didn't know I needed

but I studied this book

and took so many notes.

Then on fourth of July

I felt my world shift.

It was like I was looking at my life

with a lens of deep gratitude and wonder.

We were in the backyard

listening to Lilly by Toro y Moi

The light looked sensational

and all I could feel was pure love.

It was a message to notice

the details in my life

and to marvel at them,

especially because it's also temporary.

This newfound gratitude

carried me through August.

I was really enjoying life.

I felt passionate with work.

I was loving to cook and

experiment with food.

I was reading so many books

and writing book reports

to retain information.

I felt like I was studying life.

I was also practicing

more digital minimalism

and my screen time plummeted.

My balance with work

and my personal life was

just getting better and better.

In the past I've struggled

with this weird urge

to post everything that was happening.

It felt like if I didn't post anything

I wasn't doing my job.

I was learning to love

this feeling of keeping

certain moments just for me.

This was also when I was starting

to take more film photos

to capture moments.

It took the pressure off of

trying to get that perfect shot.

I just take my photo and that'd be it.

Life would resume.

My 30th birthday was perfect.

I spent it with my family
and my closest friends.

My social life kind of

took a plunge in 2020,

but COVID just downsized the people

in my life and boiled it down

to the most important ones.

It was actually really refreshing

to not have to overthink

my social interactions at every gathering.

I was only hanging out with people

that I didn't doubt myself with,

and that I really connected with.

(upbeat music)

In October and November,

I was fully embracing

this lifestyle of nesting.

I was keeping up with all

the new routines and habits

that I've accumulated

throughout this entire year.

I was meditating consistently,

enjoying to cook rich

nutritious foods, journaling,

and just spending high

quality leisure time.

All the habits I made were building

into this calmer lifestyle of mine.

I found myself enjoying life

and I didn't feel guilty about it.

When the pandemic hit, I

felt guilty all the time.
Like I should be suffering too,

but comparative suffering

is a losing game.

My suffering wouldn't mean

that other parts of the

world would suffer less.

So all I could do was just be grateful.

A lot of the times you can feel helpless

like you're not making a difference,

but remember that you can

change the lives of the people

who are directly in your life.

If you can be more patient, more calm

and more understanding

to the people around you,

then you're making an impact.

December felt a bit hollow at first.

I felt really bad that

Ben wouldn't be able

to see his family in England.

And I wanted to somehow make

it feel a little special.

So we went to Sedona.

It was pure quality time to

strengthen our relationship.

I'm really happy to say

that our marriage has never been stronger,

and our communication

has never been better.

And we worked for this.

We left feeling so connected.

2020 taught me how to be in my emotions

without any of my usual distractions.

I re-established, what's important to me.

And what's a reward in my eyes.

It taught me that life can be slower.

In fact, it feels better

when you take your time

because you start to notice

what's in front of you.

You don't need to question it

or think about whether

you deserve it or not.

Just accept it and understand

that it's so beautiful

and precious because it's all fleeting.

It's all temporary.

The bad feelings are temporary.

The good feelings are

temporary.

It all passes

so just take it at face

value and let yourself feel.

So here's to 2021 and to

continue letting myself be.