ALL WORK rs shadows NO PLAY? Why we all need a third place a eet A LEAGUE OF |. >) THEIR OWN f° ~ eg relationship ~ Could life's little inconveniences ee any be part ofa bigger plan? ee Ba CLL“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar. RAYMOND LINDQUISTWeathering the storm Have you ever felt like you had a lucky escape? The frantic extra 10 minutes searching for your keys, or the irritation at getting caught by endless red lights delaying your journey, putting you in a bad mood, only for this to evaporate upon seeing an accident you might have been in were you on schedule? It's the feeling that minor inconveniences that hold up your day, or change your course, are actually redirections from the universe, guiding you away from the path of danger, or steering you towards something that’s, meant for you. That's the idea behind burnt toast theory, anyway (p12). And it can bea helpful too! to reframe your outlook on life's minor frustrations - but blind ‘optimism isn't the order of the day here. Sticking # plaster over a broken arm won't do a lot of good. Likewise, trying to sugarcoat the toughest parts of life won't make them any easier to swallow. There are times when life just seems too unfair, too cruel to imagine a justifiable plot diversion. And in those moments, it’s not about finding a theoretical silver ining, or an answer that explains away the pain. All you can do is be there for one anather. Sometimes you have to sit in those dark moments, and know that one day, even if you cant imagine when or how, a glimmer of light will break through once again In the meantime, having someone by your side makes the darkness alittle less scary, ~ (Our article on p21 explores this power of social connections, by highlighting ‘our need for ‘third places’ Could finding yours ~a place beyond work and home to connect with others —be a lifeline in challenging moments? Its also vital to realise that you don't need | to justify your wants or needs for the approval of others. So wee uncovering ‘worthsplaining’ (p61), which many of us may be guity of, without even realising, Bob Marley once said: “You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice” IF this speaks to you right know, just know that strength isn't about having a stiff upper lip. Tue strength of character isin being vulnerable, knowing when its OK to lean on others for support, and finding your own way through tough times, however you need to. No explanation required. Just know that you don't have to journey alone. Happy reading, a REBECCA THAIR| EDITOR-IN-CHIEF At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happifulcom/pledges W| happifulcom F | pappituha X | @hoppitulha 1 | @happifu_magazineThis is your space 12 What is burnt toast theory? Discover the trend encouraging you to reframe life's inconveniences 21 Discover your ‘third place’ Why your life shouldn't just revolve around work and home 38 Living in someone's shadow? Five tips for finding your spotight 43 Feeling good v mania How can you tell the difference? 52 The power of mircobreaks Could a purposeful pause be the key to productivity? 75 Picking up a pattern? ‘What is ‘enhanced pattern recognition’ and how is it linked to ADHD? Culture 7 Good news 11 The wellbeing wrap 41 Our book picks 70 Try these 10 things Try this at home 32 Answer your inner critic 50 Isit toxic positivity? 51 Picture riddle me this 69 Reminders for tough times 73 Unusual ways to de-stress Relationships 14 What is stonewalling? Do you feel lke youre facing a brick wall during arguments? 25 Late bloomer How compulsory heterosexuality can impact people's self-discovery 33 Parenting tweens Navigating five key challenges that come with this stage of life 46 Getting real Michelle Eiman on the relationship lessons we can take from realty TVWellbeing 17 Five life-changing concepts 30 Handling Al anxiety Our expert offers advice for anxiety around rapidly evolving technology 48 Friendship and ASD Ways to be there for an autistic friend 56 The manifestation mystery Whats it all about and how does it work? Our expert columnist explains 61 What is worthsplaining? Food & health 28 How to quit a sugar addiction 58 Start the day right Ty this twist on classic beans on toast 66 Food myths, debunked What's the reality of food's connection to mood? Positive pointers 18 Four wins for the planet 36 Escape to create How to find space to be creative 64 Reclaiming your time Is it possible to balance work parenthood, and you-time? 78 Go your own way Unlock the benefits of solo travel 80 The ultimate daily habit Discover the power of meditation 83 Journaling for tough times Expert review Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited ‘counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively. The need to communicate effectively in relationships is of prime importance. Unsurprisingly, it appears that most issues in relationships stem from poor communication. How we communicate with others is equal to how we communicate with ourselves, and observing this can provide insight into our intemal world, Head over to pia toidentiy how to overcome barriers to communication in relationships. The time ‘you invest in managing communication is nvatuable, 4s it has great potential to enrich your experience and theirs leading to healthier and happier relationships. Sm RAVSEKHON sxManaace iced) ae psychotherapist with rove then year experience.Happiful Community Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue NIKITA THAKRAR DR REBECCA O'SULLIVAN Nita ia muttfaceted teacher, logs soeciaisng mentor arco sparing pele in complex trauma, and working GEORGINA STURMER EMILY KNIVETT Emi isanintoratve therapist who fs neurciversy-ffring. and LR COWMAN HELEN ROBINSON Liries personal and pafestionalcoach and Helene coach wha alps pecpla make the ‘business improvernant corsutar > @a FRANCES TRUSSELL XUXA MILROSE ‘ura anutitona therapist with patouer intrest inthe brar-gut connection, most cut oftheir by finding their purpose Frances is an author, therapistand Trinculness meditation teacher Join the Happiful Expert Panel ‘Are youa wellbeing expert with valuable insight to share? Happiful professional membership includes opportunities to be featured in our award-winning magazine. Discover how to join by emailing us at professionals@happiful.com Our team EDITORIAL Rebecca Tha|Eetor-in-Chiaf Katheyn Wheeler | Features Editor Lauren Bromiey-Bi| Eitri Assistant Bonnie Eve itford, Kat Nichols | Senior Writers Becky Banham | Content & Marketing Otticer Michelle Elman, Nita Thatrr | Columasts Elen Lees| Head of Content Ketth Howitt Sub-Ealtor Rav Sekton | Expert Advisor [ARTE DESGN ‘Amy-Jean Burs | Head of Product & Marketing Charlotte Noo | Creative Lead Rosen Mage | Mustrator ‘COMMUNICATIONS ‘Alice Greedus | PR Manager Emly Whitton | Marketing Coordinator ‘CONTRIBUTORS FnaFletcher Rec Victor Stokes, Ur Cowan, aiConbes, ya Wikrs Xu Mose, Erna Victoria Stokes Nek Baran, ara Geen, Tanith Carey SPECIALTHANKS Emily Kiet, Dr Rebecca OSulvan Georgina Sure, Fences Trussl Helen Robinson MANAGEMENT ‘Air Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma Hursey | Director & Co-Founder Paul Mauncers| Director & Co-Founder SUBSCRIPTIONS Fornew orders and back oder, visit shopnappitulcom, oral Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 288 or ema Subenquries@newsstand.couk ‘contact Hoppitul clo Mem, Bling 8, Riverside Way, Camberley, Sure, GUIS YL Email us at heln@happtuicom HAPPIFULFAMILY Helping you ind the help you nee. ‘Counseling Directory, Life Coach Dectory, Hypnotherapy Directory Nutrtonst Resource, ‘Therapy Duectony WORLD LAND. TRUST™ wwarbonalanedpapersomANIMALS. Retirement village introduces ‘emotional support chickens’ A retirement village in Lancashire is spreading its wings and reaching out into new territory by welcoming a flock of chickens as part ofits bid to offer a person-centred approach to care’ The Lodge care home, part of Buckshaw Retirement Village near Chorley, was offered the birds by local primary school teacher Claire Harrison, following a recent chicken hatching programme at her school, St Paul's CoE Primary School It’s hoped that the chickens will bring residents a number of benefits, from fostering a sense of community to reducing stress and anxiety, as well as in encouraging ‘mental engagement, physical activity, and nostalgia, “Caring and spending time with the chickens will be a beautiful reminder of the past for many who recall their own families keeping chickens,” says Hayley Rowson de Vares, manager at Buckshaw Retirement Village. “This project is not just about adding life to our garden, but also about reconnecting our residents with their heritage, and providing them with emotional support through the joy and. serenity that comes with caring for animals. “One of our care workers is leading a lovely chicken-n. project and organising a coop opening party, inviting everyone ~ residents, their relatives and 1g staff - to embrace the theme by dressing as funky chickens’ This event promises to be a memorable celebration, marking the beginning of a new chapter in our community's life’ ding creative ways to bring Joy into our daily lives is a surefire way to boost wellbeing, and this latest offering sounds like a squawker. happitulcor [issue 86 |7ere ee ene) Be ee Pom we ‘@ Historic England Archiv TOURISM Stepping back in time can boost our wellbeing Could living near, and preserving, local heritage sites have an impact on our ‘wellbeing? According to new research from Historic England, that answers a resounding ‘yes. Inits report, Historic England sets out to examine the relationship between heritage density and life satisfaction. What they saw ‘was that - similarly to the impact of green. spaces - the presence of nearby historic places benefits residents’ quality of life, ‘whether or not they participate in heritage activities. Its estimated that the overall ‘wellbeing value’ for people's day-to-day encounters, with their heritage is worth £29 billion every year in England. Using the guidance from the Treasury on measuring and quantifying the effects of policies on people’ lives in economic terms, the report also shared that, on average, your life satisfaction improves to the value of £515 year simply from living near to heritage sites, “People often experience emotional connections with their local heritage, yet the link between heritage and wellbeing, is frequently overlooked in economics,” says Adala Leeson, head of social and economic research at Historic England. “This innovative research uses economic techniques to demonstrate that heritage is not ust nice to have; ithas significant, ‘measurable impacts on our overall wellbei Interested in discovering what your local area has to offer? Head to historicengland, org.uk and search for listed buildings, battlefields, monuments, gardens, shipwrecks, and more, near you. happitutcor | Issue 86 |9n speaks with his ‘adopted iparent David. CHARITY Father and son both ‘adopt’ a grandparent Though loneliness in older relative in more than a month, communities is becoming but this innovative project isa increasingly prevalent, there solution that could help. are many charities doing One father and son who remarkable things to support enrolled in the scheme are elderly people, One such 15-year-old Tristan Sue and his Speaking highly of the organisation that deserves every 48-year-old father, Jeff. Tristan scheme, the founder of Adopt a ounce of recognition is Adopt a was paired with 78-year-old Grandparent, Shaleeza Hasham, Grandparent. David Abel because of their says: “The calls they've already ‘The charity pairs socially isolated similar interests in sports, and had have been a great success, older individuals from UK care their regular calls gave David bringing both parties joy and homes with volunteers worldwide, _an opportunity to laugh and companionship, and that’ what tohelp foster intergenerational, _smile, despite having advanced the charity is all about. I personally Jong/lasting connections. The aim dementia. Meanwhile, Jeff, who look forward to seeing the {sto alleviate feelings of loneliness had little contact with his own relationships develop with every through companionship. grandparents, was matched with future call’ According to the charity’ website, 74-year-old Margaret Smith, Inspired to make a difference? Visit 200,000 older people hadnit had which yielded conversations that _adoptagrandparent.org.uk a conversation with a friend or were meaningful to both of them, B BOOKS Jacqueline Wilson revisits beloved series in new novel for adults In news that will delight many their comfort zones to achieve experiencing little nostalgia. childhood readers, Dame fulfilment. Creating not only a sense of Jacqueline Wilson has announced —_ Speaking about her new book support and reconnection, her new book, Think Again, will __in a video on social platform X, nostalgia can help usto feel more revisit the characters of her Girls. Jacqueline Wilson said: “Still today, optimistic and inspired, boost our series nearly 30 years after the young women come up tome inthe sense of self-esteem, and can even ‘books were first published. streettotell mehow much those —_help us to feel more purposeful Set to be released in September books meant to them, and they often and youthful. Add in the wellbeing 2024, her new book returns ask me what happened to those benefits of reading, and you have to life-long best friends Ellie, characters. My new novel, Think recipe for a restorative and Magda, and Nadine as they Again, will answer those questions.” comforting outlet for life's little navigate the highs and lows of Revisiting beloved charactersand stresses. So, will Think Again be adulthood, self-discovery, and the series from your childhood can ‘making your to-read list? need to push themselves beyond __ provide the perfect opportunity for i E ( 10 isue 6 | nappifuicomThe DRIVING CHANGE The UK government has announced £465 milion for the Accessible Information Grant, which looks toimprove public transport by providing small business operators with funds to enhance services to better cater to disabled passengers. The aimis to ensure everyone 35 suitable transport links, and ‘able to complete journeys with confidence and dignity. Cena) ete ele wellbei Lawmakers in Florida, USA, have passed a bill to ban all intentional balloon releases, and charge anyone who breaks this rule. As balloons are the number one cause of marine debris-related death for seabirds, with scientists from the Ocean Conservancy revealing that one in three seabirds that consume a single piece of a balloon will die, this isa change to be celebrated, that will hopefully save the lives of many marine creatures. Working it out SedentrySfestyes arent ood for us = we all know that, but unfortunately a S Se Rene eer eas Cee en te ee oc project was recently completed. Taking five Ne aes aud anatomy information of 13,000 amphibians, fish, Pee a edie) lotof us can't change too much about iti our day job involves us sitting at ‘ask. But. there is some good news with a recent study published in JAMA Network Open, that looked at more ‘than 480,000 participants over 13 De ene nr enrol Tc ee a eet Re caus Arizona, in the USA, is vyears, and found that just 15 to 30 minutes of physical activity a day could bbe enough to counter the side-effects, Of sitting for such prolonged periods. Researchers in Sweden have developed a new way to identify high risk sepsis patients, likely to have complications, utilising innovative artificial inteligence to screen blood tests. You've got a friend in me certain steps to abosn anyone whoshad ado, you areay be Imeccadebt inthe ste wich fama ithe wea of wellneng bene your 1 roe reel omecrve _faurlegged rend can offer but ne sty sugges females th can goeven further forautistiliss. The research Medical Debt, with the value of Each in brant noe terete es. the wholesale refer estmated to __2Senvcedog sgifcanty improved the Sep quaity beworth $2bilfon, going towards _ietildren on the autism spectrum. after studying the bewor $2tllon ging tom rab ndifesyje of 75 amis mony ofthe stot resins. Race : EAT YOUR GREENS THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE AIR... ‘If youneeded more convincing When ested what your favourite smelis, alot ceed of people reflect on that earthy, pest-rain arora three year stcyby Austral Heat (petrichor). But did you know some people have the abilty to sniff out wihen it’s about to rain? IFLScience says that some people can pick out the scent of an. approaching storm thanks to the way strong winds push down ‘bubbles’ of the ozone, and their ability to recognise that unique scent! Research Institute has compelling ‘evidence. It found a natural chemical inbroccoli can reduce the likelihood ‘of having a stroke, thanks toit decreasing the formation of harmful blood clots,at if everything happens for a reason? Ita theory that we've all heard more than once. And in many ways, burnt toast theory can be seen as a modern take on this classic idea. Finding fame through the #TherapyTikTok side of social media, burnt toast theory centres around the idea that every little inconvenience we experience in our day-to-day lives happens for a bigger reason. But can burnt toast theory help us to foster a growth mindset, or can it risk encouraging positive toxicity? What is burnt toast theor; We've all been there. Say you accidentally burn your toast before leaving for work. According to burt toast theory, this single, tiny inconvenience is enough to have a domino effect. Your mornings then pushed back by what, maybe three to five minutes? Perhaps that is enough time to leave the house a little bit later than usual, and to avoid getting in a car accident. Orit might mean you end up gettinga later train, and avoid bumping into an ex who youd really rather avoid. Or maybe you meet someone who you wouldn't otherwise have bumped into, 12 | Issue 86] happitulcom * What is burnt toast theory? “: — Isthe latest concept going viral on TikTok just another craze, or could a a Jy... Ithelp us embrace the positives behind lifes little inconveniences? resulting in a new friendship ora chance at romance, Burnt toast theory suggests that little inconveniences are the universe’ way of saving us from bigger, more detrimental things - or pushing us in new directions ‘we may have otherwise missed out on, Much like with the butterfly effect theory, the idea is that little changes have a big impact. ‘When we choose to view the ‘world in a more positive light, wwe can help to reduce feelings of anxiety, and release our fears of being out of control of the world around us. Itsa little way of helping us accept life’ little events and mishaps that are outside of our control. Why is itso popular? Do you ever feel like you are constantly on edge? Pethaps ‘you find yourself overthinking day-to-day interactions, or ‘worrying about each and every little detail. These can all be signs of hypervigilance, which can be caused when we feel high levels of stress, anxiety, or a need for perfection. ‘When we feel like things in our lives are outside of control, this can add to our sense of hypervigilance, leaving us feeling ee a overwhelmed. Being able to focus on the idea that everything happens for a reason can help some people to let go of their need to try to control things, helping them to break automatic negative reactions, thoughts and feelings, and instead reframe things more positively. But isit actually helpful to ‘try to view every mistake as an opportunity for positivity? Or could we be doing ourselves a disservice by not acknowledging when things are tough? Isithelpful? While always looking for the bright side can be helpful for some people, it can also be seen as.a form of toxic positivity. While ‘maintaining a positive mindset can be beneficial, only allowing ‘yourself to focus on positive thoughts can mean that you are denying yourself the chance to properly engage with challenging or difficult emotions, instead focusing on creating a false positive facade. By avoiding, suppressing, or rejecting all negative emotions and experiences, you may inadvertently dismiss the impact that they are having on you, downplay how much they are affecting you, or even end up refusing to acknowledge when you are struggling.We cannot always be happy and optimistic. Trying to force ourselves to always see the positive side can make us feel worse about ourselves, may ead to pushing down negative feelings or experiences, and refusing to acknowledge or deal with them fully. Over time, this can almost create a cycle of shame and self-blame. Acknowledging that bad things can and do happen is actually healthy. So, rather than all-or- nothing thinking, try to find a balance that works for you. Embracing positivity and developinga growth mindset Instead of focusing purely on positive thinking, working towards developing and nurturing, a growth mindset may be more helpful. A growth mindset - where you believe that your abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work, and that your talents are justa starting point - can help you rediscover your love of learning, as well as to become more confident, motivated, and resilient. your space Embracing a growth mindset can help you to improve your relationships, how well you do at work, and how fulfilled you feelin life. Itis also important to remember that any shift in how you think and approach things will take time and effort. Big, sustainable changes don't happen overnight, or without self-reflection. Instead of trying tomake yourself see the reason behind life’ little mistakes and uncontrollable events, try to: + Take the time to acknowledge the little things that have gone right in your day. Surround yourself with positive influences and supportive people. Improve your self-care routines (the better you look after yourself, the more energy, motivation, and self-belief you will have) + Avoid negative self-talk, ‘While burnt toast theory can help to provide a little mood boost when events out of your control get you down, its important to remind yourself: you don't always have to look for life's silver linings, or even the meaning behind a little burnt toast. Sometimes things happen, and they suck Butas long as we take time to acknowledge how these things make us feel, and recognise that wwe cant always control everything around us, we can still work towards improving ourselves, and how we handle life’ unexpected challenges - and that’s what really matters. happiulcom | Issue 86 |13,What is stonewalling? If conflict erupts, communication breaks down, and you feel like you're being ignored, then you might be dealing with stonewalling. But there is a way to have a connection breakthrough... have agreed to be alittle ‘more frugal with your money to save for anew home. A few days later, your partner forks out aig chunk of cash on a designer watch and, understandably, you want to discuss how this, purchase impacts your shared finances. When you approach the subject, they don't respond. ‘When you push them further, they leave the room, and refuse to talk to you for days. Something that could have been an open discussion has now become an elephant in the room, and to make things worse, you're left feeling as though you caused the conflict by bringing it up in the first place. The relationship becomes fractured, and you feel isolated and unseen as a result of being denied the opportunity to have a helpful conversation. You've been stonewalled. I magine you and your partner Whats stonewalling? ‘When someone is stonewalling, they are choosing not to engage ina discussion. They may avoid eye contact, act too busy to 14| Issue 86 |happifuicom talk to you, give you the silent treatment, refuse to discuss their emotions, shut down, or leave the conversation entirely, without any effort to circle back once they've gathered their thoughts. And, look, taking time away to process in private is fine, but stonewalling is different because itshuts down any possibility of returning to the conversation, Why do people stonewall you? People who stonewall aren't always doing so intentionally. “Your partner may have learned this technique as a child as a ‘method of peacekeeping, a defence mechanism, o copied it from a parent, says Tini Riese, aneurodevelopmental specialist practitioner at Harley Row Clinic. ‘They may feel so flooded with emotion during an argument that they don't know how to respond, using avoidance as a way to retreat from uncomfortable conversations. Everyone has their own way of communicating, and yes, some people need time to privately process emotions to allow them to articulate a response, but stonewalling has an undeniably destructive impact on relationships. When used deliberately, stonewalling can lean towards abuse, with the perpetrator claiming neutrality asa way to gaslight their partner and maintain power. Marriage researcher and psychologist John Gottman, PhD, found that 85% of those who stonewall are men, but women can also demonstrate the same behaviours. “Whatever the root cause ofthe issue,” says Tini, “it doesn't negate the harm this, The impact on relationships Trying to avoid an argument might seem like a reasonable goal for someone in a relationship, but stonewalling can lead to ‘more conflict in the longterm. The lack of communication creates unnecessary distance between partners, which can create a disconnect, and a lack of emotional intimacy. When stonewalling becomes a commonbehaviour, the list of unresolved issues accumulate, which creates a build-up of tension and makes communication more heated. you don't get the chance to express your concern over the expensive designer watch purchase, it likely your partner will continue to behave in ways that contradict the money-saving plan you made together. Without ongoing communication, this is certain to lead to further conflict, and even more stonewalling. Taking time away to process in private is fine, but stonewalling is different because it shuts down any possibility of returning to the conversation ‘Asa result, the person on the receiving end will feel dismissed and confused. Ifthe person stonewalling makes a habit of cutting off communication or fleeing the relationship, the person affected may act out of desperation to find a sense of safety, doing anything to restore the connection. This can lead to resentment, as they continually abandon their own needs to keep the peace. Without addressing the lack of communication, the stonewaller will never learn to regulate their emotions effectively relationships How to handle being stonewalled Don't accept stonewalling as abehaviour that you simply have to put up with, Its entirely reasonable to expect a partner to engage in difficult conversations with you, With that said, when ‘you notice the stonewalling hnas started there is no sense in continuing to push them into talking, At that point, its important not to retaliate with aggressive language, or ‘give as good as you get’ by counteracting with the silent treatment. happitulcom | Issue 86 |15,‘The solution lies in better communication, not forcing them to change. Halt the discussion and give your partner space. If possible, agree on a specific date and time when you'll both come together to pick up the conversation more calmly. Use this time away to take care of your own mental health, by practising self-soothing behaviours such as journaling, exercising, or spending time on your hobbies. The conversation ill likely flow more easily and fewer defensive behaviours if you both take steps to emotionally regulate. Be clear and let them know that you want to work through the conflict in partnership. Acknowledge that all relationships go through rough patches, but that you're willing to do the work to find a resolution. asateam, 16| ssue 86 happitulcom Having a neurodiverse partner can add complexity to the situation. People with ADHD may struggle to talk when emotionally ‘overwhelmed, and autistic partners may shut down completely. When they're in acaim state, ask how they want you to handle difficult situations and come up with aplan of action together. For example, you might agree to discuss certain topics ina safe place, or use text/email instead of in person. Improving communication ‘Tossing around accusations is a recipe for further conflict. ‘Try initiating conversation using’ statements, like: “I felt hurt when you ignored my text messages.” Focus on reinforcing the positive qualities you admire in your partner by saying things like: “You're a really good listener, itmakes me feel loved.” Instead of insisting they act, differently, make an effort to understand their point of view, and the deeper reasons behind their conflict avoidance. “Being clear and factual, giving them time to process the information, not putting pressure to answer immediately, and agreeing to alternative modes of communication, may reduce shutdowns and becoming defensive,” says Tini. “This advice could apply to a neurotypical partner as well, depending on their unique character.” If stonewalling continues, ask them to consider speaking to a trained therapist. The cause of stonewalling may be so deeply rooted that they may need support to find new ways to regulate their emotions. The safety ofa therapist’ office will give you both space to explore your needs, and learn the best ‘way to communicate. Above all, focus on finding solutions together, rather than winning an argument and, with mutual effort, you can heal the hurt and reconnect on a deeper level. [0BY Ti toe Puri counselling concepts There's no one-size-fits-all when it comes to counselling, Discover five different concepts from popular modalities iting | Kathryn Wheeler ‘Counselling’ refers to general psychological support, and within it are a huge range of different approaches, often called ‘modes. What works for one person may not for another, and so finding a counsellor who works in the way you need is imperative. Here, we're offering up an overview of five key ‘counselling concepts. The answers could be in your childhood (psychodynamic theory) ‘Sometimes also called ‘psychoanalysis; this counselling mode originates from the work of Austrian neurologist Sigmund Freud. A big name in psychology, Freud founded psychoanalysis, clinical method for treating clients, which works with the idea that unconscious forces drive our behaviour. When working with a psychodynamic therapist, ‘you may use tools such as free association; which is essentially just talking about whatever ‘comes up without censoring or correcting, 'iream analysis, and ‘transference’ which refers to the redirection of emotions (usually originating in childhood) onto the therapist. Changing our actions leads to positive behaviour (behavioural therapy) Atthe core of this approach is the belief that our behaviour is learned. The thinking comes from the research of Ivan Pavlov (Ves, the one with the dog), who focused on the effects of, building a learned response by introducing a stimulus. The goal of behavioural therapy is to modify behaviour by changing the external environment, and teaching the client new coping skills ~ for example, addressing phobias, unhealthy eating habits, or aleohol addiction, by fostering positive change, We are all innately good people (humanistic approach) The humanistic approach in psychology in part came about in reaction to what some thought were the limitations of behaviourist and psychodynamic theory. Atits core, humanistic psychology is optimistic, and built onthe premise that humans are wellbeing innately good, but that this can be disturbed during their process of growth. This mode takes into account the whole person, their uniqueness, and individuality. There may not be one single solution (integrative counselling) Combining the elements of different therapies together, integrative therapists believe thatthere is no single approach ‘that would work for all clients inal situations. Instead, they propose that each person needs tobe considered as a whole, and counselling techniques should be tailored to their particular needs, ‘To do this, they may draw on ‘many of the elements mentioned in the other modalities here. Negative feelings area natural part of life (acceptance and commitment therapy) Developed in the late 1980s in America, and growing in popularity ever since, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) ‘works from the premise that negative thoughts and feelings are natural, and so does it not seek to directly change or stop unwanted problems and experiences, but rather to apply mindfulness strategies to help us accept the struggles we face. Ofcourse, thisis just a handful of counselling approaches, with many of these examples also having multiple subcategories. To get a full picture, and connect with professionals specialising in different areas, visitthe Counselling Directory. 1 happifulcom | Issue 86 17ere in fora summer of sensational sport but, this year, organisers are thinking more carefully about the impact these events will have on our planet. Here, we're rounding up four environmentilly conscious events in play in 2024, Euro 2024, June Coming in as the third-largest sporting event worldwide, the organisers of the UEFA European Championships 2024 had an opportunity to make a huge difference by going green - and it 18 | Issue 86 | happitulcomn looks like they're planning to do just that, Set out in their Environmental, Social, and Governance strategy, they plan to tackle the environmental impact of the event across six areas: smart mobility (addressing the carbon impact of travel to events), carbon management, advocacy, energy consumption, water consumption, 4-R principle (reducing and reusing products), and waste management. In practice, this strategy includes actions such as match ticket holders being entitled to use public transport for 36 hours on match days, discounted long- distance train tickets, tournament carbon footprint measurements, reduction in floodlighting, use of renewable energy sources, grey water usage, limited packaging on products, and vegan and vegetarian options - to highlight justa selection of planned actions. Wimbledon, July Attracting more than 500,000 spectators each year, Wimbledon isa staple on the British sporting scene - and with it comes theRee responsibility to consider the environmental impact. But its a responsibility the organisers take seriously, and which they believe is aligned with their values of ‘heritage, integrity, respect, and excellence’ To do this, the organisers hope to reduce emissions from operations to ‘net zero’, become resource-efficient, and contribute to anet gain in biodiversity by 2030, For now, solar panels have been installed on clubhouses and has been updated to LED lights around the estate, electric lawn ‘mowers are used on the grounds, visitors can use water refill points, and menus are made up of seasonal food from across the British Isles. But environmental sustainability also crosses, over with social impact. Approximately 55,000 tennis balls are used throughout the championships period but, fear not, used balls are sold daily, with the proceeds going to the ‘Wimbledon Foundation, which donates £4 million a yearto local, national, and international charities that champion opportunities for all. Formula 1, British Grand Prix, July ‘The high-speed event is putting sustainability in the driving seat. By 2030, the goal isto achieve a net zero carbon footprint from factory to flag’ which includes net zero carbon powered race cars, low/zero carbon logistics and travel, 100% renewably powered offices, facilities, and factories, and credible offsets and CO2 sequestration programmes. By 2025, the hope is that every race qualifies as an ‘FI sustainable spectacle’. This, includes using sustainable materials, with all waste to be reused, recycled, or composted, Fans are offered incentives to travel to the events in ‘green’ ways, such as by using public transport or travelling by bike or by foot. What's more, increasing biodiversity at circuits and facilities is on the agenda, the plan being that not only will this have a positive effect on the local environment, but it will also improve fans’ wellbeing by enhancing the space and improving air quality. Olympic Games, Paris, August Without a doubt the sporting event of the summer, all eyes will be on the Olympic Games in Paris, and so getting positive pointers sustainability rightis of paramount importance, ‘To get things started, Paris 2024 will use 95% existing or temporary infrastructure for the Games. This falls under the ‘less’ concept for the event, which includes ‘fewer venues built, less equipment produced, less single-use plastics for food and drink, less carbon, and fewer resources used’. Along with ‘less’ comes ‘better, which features better design of temporary infrastructure, better sourcing of energy supplies, better consumption and support for local businesses, and better adaptation to weather conditions, But the commitment to sustainability doesn't end with the Games. In 2025, the Athletes’ Village is set to be transformed into a neighbourhood where more than 12,000 people will live, Plus, pollution in the river Seine is set to be cleaned up for the games, which will enable people across the Paris Region to enjoy new bathing areas going forward. ‘The determination and drive to do things differently is the only way that real change can happen. So, this summer, enjoy these sporting events with the knowledge that they're breaking the mould, putting a green foot forward, and making the environment a priority. I happifulcom | issue 86 19“I dared to be different, | want to inspire others to do the same SUSIE WOLFFyour space This must be the place Life shouldn't just revolve around home and work. You need to find your special ‘third place’ to reap the wellbeing benefits of feeling supported, connected, and encouraged hat does a typical day look like for you? For lots of people across the globe the day follows a predictable pattern: get up, leave home, go to work, come home again, go to bed. Perhaps life looked a little differently pre-pandemic. Rather than leaving work and going straight home, maybe you regularly met up with friends ata late-night café. Perhaps there was an exercise class that you religiously attended before ‘your working day began, Or you wouldn't leta week go by without excitedly dropping into your local book club. But, post-pandemic, your social routine has never really recovered. Now you find yourself navigating between work and home and back again. Sounds like you need a third place. A CHANGE OF SCENERY Defined in 1982 by American sociologists Ramon Oldenburg. and Dennis Brissett, a third place is simply a public place outside of your home (your first place) and your place of work (your second place) where you can gather and interact with others. Here, you can fall into conversation with a stranger, catch up with a casual acquaintance, reconnect with an old friend, or simply feel comforted by having people around you. ‘You might have lost these haunts post-pandemic, or perhaps you never really had a happitulcom | issue 86 21third place to begin with. But here's the thing: third places are vital for our wellbeing. “Humans are social creatures. ‘We love to live in communities and create a family, and we like to work in teams or with colleagues, around, Put simply, being sociable is in our DNA,” explains Kelly Weekers, a psychologist and best-selling author of Happy Life 365, The Power of Choice, and Choosing Me. Sure, sometimes we like to be left well alone, pethaps opting to curl up with a good book or even just our phones, but we all need genuine, non-digital connections to feel grounded and secure. Kelly says third places offer us exactly that. “In a world where loneliness is at an all-time high, it's important to find yourself place that supports human connection and community’ Its easy to assume that we can replicate this feeling of connection and community by simply going online. The digital world has become a kind of virtual third place for many of us, but social media is no match for the bustling atmosphere of your neighbourhood café, or the camaraderie at your local gym. Mental health-wise, the ramifications of having a real- ‘world third place are huge. Kelly says that when we're in a third place that makes us feel supported, connected, and encouraged, we get an instant it of dopamine and serotonin, the happy hormones that boost our mood, Inthe long-term, she says having a ‘home’ outside of home, can help you counter feelings of anxiety, stress and depression. “Research shows that social connectedness can lead to.a longer life, better health, and improved wellbeing, too,” Kelly points out. So, what happens when we dontt have a third place to give us that extra feeling of belonging? “When people are socially connected and have stable and supportive relationships, they are more likely to make healthy choices, and to have better ‘mental and physical health outcomes,” Kelly says. “They are also better able to cope with hard times, stress, anxiety, and depression; but exactly the opposite happens when we only hop from home to work and back without a change of scenery” your space ‘Think how easy it is to dwell on ‘your problems when you cocoon yourself at home, or how hard it can be to see beyond your stress when you spend too much time at the office. It doesn't leave much room for the fresh dose of perspective a change of scenery often brings. Now imagine how you might feel if, instead of going straight home after work, you met with a weekly ‘walking group and enjoyed some casual conversation. Whatiif, once a week, you joined a book club, visited the gym, or joined a group of your closest friends at your favourite hangout? It’s easy to see how these small changes to your routine can lift your spirits. FINDING YOUR THIRD PLACE Whether you consider yourself ahome bird, or simply need a little extra support to get out of your comfort zone, Kelly believes ‘there's an ideal third place for everyone. So, how do you find yours? “Ask yourself where you feel your best” Kelly advises. Isit in a quiet coffee shop? At the beach? happitulcom | Issue 86 | 23In the park? The forest? A library? The theatre? Some people love places that are high in energy, while others vill seek solace in places that are quieter and slower-paced, so dont feel like the odd one out if your chosen place isn't everyone's idea of fun. Kelly's advice? Look for somewhere you can relax, have fun, and let go of your worries, “A third place should have a kind of restorative quality; it must be a place where you can unwind and socialise A quick visualisation exercise might help. When you think of community and connection what springs to mind? What does that place look like? Is there music playing? Coffee brewing and conversation flowing? Maybe there are other people around but everyone is doing their own thing - like in a gym or aatco- working space. If youre still struggling to come up with ideas, ask around. Where 24 | Issue 86] happitulcom do your friends and colleagues hang out? Maybe they have cool hobby, or a place they recommend. Often, it’s not so much a lack of inspiration that prevents us from seeking new places but our own insecurities. Moving outside of your comfort zone can be intimidating, especially if you're shy and introverted. Kelly suggests focusing on finding something that better aligns with your personality. you're really outgoing you might Find it lovely to go to a bar, but, ifyou are more introverted, you might feel happier somewhere quieter like the park or a library,” she points out. This doesn't mean you'll miss out on the opportunity to connect with others. “Being sociable is not only about speal people,” Kelly notes. being in an environment where there are other people around.” Bottom line? Kelly says its the change of scenery and the feeling A third place should have a kind of restorative quality; it must be a place where you can unwind and socialise of connectedness that provides alot of the benefits, and so, you can feel more connected simply by having a place where people know your name or recognise your face. Of course, there's nothing wrong with slumping down on the sofa now and again after a hard day at ‘work, but often, social interaction and a change of scenery are the things we really need to recharge ourselves.relationships What is compulsory heterosexuality? Recognising the pressure society puts on us to be'straight' is what empowers many people to have a sexual awakening in later life oming out as a lesbian at Cc the age of 35 makes me what people call a ‘late bloomer, and one of the things people ask me a lot is why I kept ‘my sexuality under wraps for so long, But the truth is, Twasntt one of those people who pretended to be straight while secretly hiding ‘my gayness. I believed =I assumed ~ for all that time, that was straight. I was in a relationship with a man for 17 years, and I didn't have crushes on female co-workers or friends. So I was definitely straight, right? ‘The thing about sexual repression is that it’s entirely ‘unconscious. In the same way that a victim of a car crash may be unable to access memories of the incident because their brain blocks out traumatic memories for self-preservation, people can often be unable to witness the truth of their sexual identity through conscious thought alone. happiulcom | issue 86 | 25Further support Mermaids provides support for gender-diverse and transgender individuals, including those exploring : their sexual orientation: mermaidsuk.org.uk \ Stonewall offers information, resources, and support for individuals questioning their sexu Itwasn't until stumbled upon the concept of compulsory heterosexuality that I began to question everything I thought I knew about my identity. What is compulsory heterosexuality? Compulsory heterosexuality, a term coined by writer Adrienne Rich in the 1980s, isa theory that heterosexuality (Sexual or romantic attraction to people of the opposite sex) is forced on the general population through patriarchal systems and societal pressures. ‘The social consequences of existing outside of a heterosexual 26 |1ssue 86 | happifutcom y: stonewall.org.uk pair are very real, and the false idea that the majority of people are heterosexual perpetuates, the idea that anything else is wrong, which stigmatises LGBTQIA+ individuals and perpetuates homophobia. The heteronormative narrative of two opposite genders falling in love is only one option from a huge, exciting spectrum of possi Compulsory heterosexuality in real life In school, sex education is still largely heteronormative, and recent poll of young people in England, carried out by Censuswide, found that 54% of respondents said they didn't receive LGBTQIA* relevant information. This is particularly worrying because an inclusive curriculum correlates with increased safety, reduced bullying, and fewer reports of adverse outcomes such as suicidal thoughts and plans among all youth, regardless of gender or sexuality, as reported in a 2020 article in the Journal of Adolescent Health which reviewed 30 years of data. In thehome, only 46% of lesbian, gay, and bisexual folk (and 47% of trans people) fee!able to be open about their sexual orientation or gender identity to everyone in their family, while heterosexuality is celebrated as. the norm, Gay marriage wasnt legalised in the UK until 2014, a stark reminder of how sexuality has been consistently governed by external systems, leaving little room for experimentation and authentic expression. Media reinforcement also plays arole. LGBTQIA+ characters in ‘TV and film are often minor or portrayed negatively, meanwhile, queer literature has faced suppression, leading to the erasure of non-hetero stories. When opportunities for visibility and self-exploration have been shut down so consistently, it's no surprise that there can be a delay in expressing a more accurate sexual identity. ‘The psychological impact Because heterosexuality is assumed, you might not recognise the signs pointing to a different orientation. Without exposure to diverse narratives, its easy to believe being straight isthe only option. The fact that coming out? isacommon milestone for queer folk shows that heterosexuality is the considered default. To deviate from that norm requires actively standing up and vocalising your difference, which in itselfis a terrifying act, because it so often leads to abuse and social exclusion, Some may consciously force themselves to appear st if they witness discrimination against LGBTQIA+ people, asa survival strategy. But suppressing ‘your identity can cause anxiety, depression, and internalised homophobia, Even when people are openly queer, compulsory heterosexuality continues to harm, as Dr Kerry McBroome, a licensed clinical psychologist at Full Focus Therapy explains. “Compulsory heterosexuality can be particularly damaging to bisexual and pansexual people, who may find fulfilment ina romantic or sexual relationship that appears heterosexual. “Being in a ‘Straight-passing’ relationship may make it easier for bi and pan people to dismiss their same-sex attractions or behaviours, or postpone exploring that side of themselves.” Exploring your sexuality Questioning your sexuality later in life brings unique challenges, including disappointment and grief for having repressed a key part of yourself for so long, But itis possible to overcome these effects by recognising societal influences, and exploring your sexuality more openly. Reframing itas a journey of self-discovery can make ita positive experience, and doing so with a queer affirming therapist might give you the support you need. Being aware of compulsory heterosexuality theory allows you to bear witness to the ways you may have contorted yourself to fit into the image of normality. Ifyou're questioning your sexual identity, powerful forces outside of your control have likely played arole in your repression, and this knowledge can ease some relationships ofthe self-directed anger. Self- compassion is essential here, because there can be a tendency to feel as though you've let, ‘yourself down by giving into societal pressures. “Embarking on a process of, self-discovery is a healthy part ofllife, daunting as it may seem tostart exploring a new part of ‘yourself?’ says Dr MeBroome. “You can think of exploring your sexuality as similar to going through a second puberty; alarming when you are going through it, and yet aren't you lad you did?” Ifyou're questioning your sexuality as a result of learning about this, the important thing is to be patient as you ‘unlearn’ the messaging that has been imprinted on you over the years. Start by exploring diverse narratives in books, podcasts, movies, and TV shows. This can validate your feelings and widen your understanding of what it ‘means to be queer. Try not to get bogged down by the idea that you're ‘not queer enough’ - a ‘common feeling among adults ‘who come out later in life. “Reframe the idea that there is one correct answer to the question of your sexuality,” says Dr MeBroome, “and rejoice in the fact that there isa whole vibrant, questioning community who are playing around with some of these same core queries as you." Fiona Fletcher Reid isa freelance writer and author, whose book, ‘Work It Out'is available now (Welbeck Balance, £9.99). Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more. happitulcom | Issue 86 | 276 tips for dealing with sugar addiction We all know that too much sugar can be bad for us. But how can we get our sugar intake under control? ho doesnt enjoy something sweet every now and then? According to YouGov, 26% of us havea sweet treat every day, while one in 10 admits to eating several While it normal to enjoy some sugary foods, and no one should feel guilty for enjoying a tasty treat now and then, iFyou feel like you aren't fully in control of how much sugar you eat, find yourself thinking about sugary foods all day, rely solely on certain foods fora mood boost, or eat until you feel sick, it could be a sign that you have a problematic relationship with sweet food. Nobody would be surprised to hear that too much sugar can be bad for their health. Consuming too much sugar can put you at risk of high blood pressure, weight gain, inflammation, tooth decay, heart disease, fatty liver disease, and even some types of cancer. Over time, it can also impact you psychologically, as you may start to struggle more with mood dips, low self-esteem, and lower confidence. 28 | Issue 86 happitulcom Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford ‘Whether you struggle with how much sugar you are eating, or would just like to cut back and develop healthier, more sustainable ways of eating, there are a number of different things ‘you can try to help you feel more in control of your eating habits. Improve your understanding Knowing more about food, nutrition, and what a balanced, healthy diet looks like, can be ahelpful first step in cutting back on sugar. The better you understand the different ways sugar may be sneaking into your diet, the more prepared you will be to make more consci choices about your eating. Working with a nutritionist can be a great way of learning ‘more about balanced diets, healthy eating, and how food and ‘mood are interlinked. The NHS website also provides helpful tips, including swaps you can make at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Head to mhsukand search ‘how to cut down on sugar’ Find your red flags and triggers Unhealthy habits are easy to form, but hard to break. Knowing which habits you've developed that are feeding into your sugar addiction can be a huge help. Perhaps you find yourself staying up late and eating sugary snacks as part of your evening routine. Or maybe ‘you dont have ahealthy outlet for stress, and turn to sweet treats. Once you start to recognise these triggers, you can tackle them, Prioritise protein Starting your day with high- protein, high-fibre foods can help you feel fuller for longer. In fact, one study of overweight Obesity (Silver Spring), found that increasing protein intake to 25% of calories reduced cravings by 60%, and the desire to snack at night by half, Ditch the fizzy drinks (yes, even the diet versions) We know drinking water is the healthiest option, but itcan be tough if you're used to having drinks high in sugar and caffeine. It can be tempting to switch from the regular fizzy to the diet version, but research from the San Antonio Heart Study has shown that artificial sweeteners can actually encourage our sugar cravings, rather than help us to reduce our sugar intake, as they may prevent us from associating sweetness with caloric intake. food & health / y 2 s Increasing protein So, where you can, ditch fizzy drinks altogether. Give hypnotherapy a try Ifyou're worried you might be addicted to sugar, it can be sign that you may want to change your overall relationship with food. Working with a hypnotherapist can help you learn how to recognise and challenge unhealthy behaviours, patterns, and to 25% of calories eae cravings habits. A hypnotherapist can also introduce you to new tools, and techniques to help manage emotional eating. Ask yourself: am I ready? Getting in the right mindset can have a huge impact on how successful you may be. Ifyou can recognise that you have a problem and want to start making changes, you are already on your way to success. happulcom| issue 86 | 29—— Ask the experts How can! manage Al anxiety? Personal and professional coach Lir Cowman answers your questions on anxiety around artificial intelligence. See menage Lee ena @ Isit normal to feel paradigm shift, soitsharderto _alwaysin the news, often with : Fo ‘guess what the impact will be, _ extremist headlines. anxious about artificial “Vnst manent mor swessil, However the mare extreme intelligence? is that it feels close to all of predictions — of nirvana and us—everyone’s online and.can apocalypse alike - are the least, Yes. Even the experts at interact with Al. It's easier to likely. Most people, including the forefront of Al are abit —_understandits impact then, say, _the experts, are guessing it anxious, as we're allstil unclear Large Hadron Colliders or stem —_have a positive impact on about what lies ahead, Thisisn’t cell research. And because it humanity, but well need to ‘small, predictable change ike touchesallof us, the media uses keep working hard to minimise ‘better broadband speed'—itsa it for clickbait—soiit feels lke its the negative impacts. How can we learn to For most, there willbe some _useful meeting notes, for F day-to-day impact which you example. Those in front work with Al? might have noticed. It should get __of technology have been The opportunities with Al easier to find the information harnessing Al for many months are constantly changing. Al you want online, rather than to accelerate their work (in one form or another) hasbeen having to read through pages of /—_—_—People work with Al in part of our oniine ives foralong —_search results. different ways. Stay open and time from the notorious ‘Clippy _Office workers might have treat it playfully. Experiment to in90s Microsoft Word, tothe ad found that Microsoft's Copilot____—_see what benefits you can get systems that try toguess what —_is getting good at analysing fromit. fs not a hostile force, you want to see on websites. spreadsheet data and creating _ its anew tool. Life Coach Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need.Can coaching help me overcome Al fears? Absolutely! Coaches work with fears of all sorts ~ from. social anxiety to phobias - and we have a range of techniques tose. A coach would likely look at what's underlying your Al fear and, through a questioning process, help you adjust your fear to a manageable level. Being constantly anxious about a threat that you can't do anything about isnot a good way to spend your one, wonderful life. Interestingly, Al coaches ~ ‘coachbots'— are becoming increasingly popular. | see these as a potential supplement to human coaching. They are by no means a replacement: a conversation with a human is fundamentally different to typing information to a chatbot, and Al won't have the human insight that enables a coach to ask the questions that you need = they're much more predictable and mundane. However, they are likely to be useful for cheap, practical, always-on coaching to help you whenever needed. OY Crag managing Al anxiety Re eee Cee ue UCAS helps you step away from being ete ents Sete ae Toa techniques help you remember: Pen aca onl re Learning about Al is key to eee Econ at Poe eee headlines and it feels lke a vast, Det ea sg Rene aay Nee ler Were how this might happen, and Sees AU Pena weet a} eee eee eka Peete ee tod that help you shift perspecti rae) help a lot. rete cet es eee acre Ee eas eee eu al what we've previously clicked Cee ee tort) Bee nna Beem ec cae ey ens happitulcom | Issue 86 |319 things to say to your inner critic VITO ve Self-doubt is self-preservation, I'mtrying my best, Jamallowed but that doesn't make it true. and that’s enough. to make mistakes. secre S i si 0 p pI Tee 2 3 Thoughts are There’s nothing wrong with Thave the courage to not facts. changing my mind. believe in myself. No one is expected Progress Jamenough, to be perfect. takes time. exactly as Iam. 32 Issue 86 | happifulcomThe tightrope (felationships of tween parenting (and how to tread more confidently) SS \\ Explore five challenging situations that arise while raising tweens, along with insight on how to navigate them effectively o longer a child, but not yet a teenager, parenting atween isadelicate tightrope walk. We now know that this isnt just an in-between’ stage in child development; ita phase when kids’ brains are being fine- tuned fast. Synaptogenesis- the growth of connections in the brain, and pruning of unused brain cells = means that a tween's brain is. becoming more specialised and efficient at various skills that they practise. They are finding out what they are good at, forming their sense of identity, and thinking in more complex ways. Bat, as a parent, at times these exciting shifts can feel like challenges. While they are finding out their strengths, they are being introduced to a wider world, and can fall victim to the comparison trap, experience complicated friendships and fallouts, alongside a desire to enter the digital world. All these shifts may make you question your skills as a parent, or how you can help them through this ever-changing landscape of learning. But here I'm sharing ways parents can tread a more confident path through these challenging years. THE CHALLENGE: Comparing themselves negatively to others ‘When your child was learning new skills in early childhood, whether it was how to skip, climb, colour in, or the alphabet, they probably thought they were brilliant at everything. Now, with tweens experiencing life outside their families, they are becoming ‘more aware of what other children can do, They are also observing how certain abilities, like being good at’ sport or maths will win respect from peers. If they notice that other children find things easier than they do, you may hear the first negative selftalk from your tween, with comments like ‘Tm useless’ or “They're better than me? How to support your tween While your first instinct is, probably to say: “Dont be silly, you're good at lots of things,” take a moment to acknowledge, rather than dismiss your child’s feelings. You could say: “Im sorry you're feeling so frustrated. What makes ‘you say that?” Or “Everyone finds ‘things difficult at times. That doesn't make you a loser. It means you'e still learning” Beyond this, if you often hear these kinds of comments, it’s a sign that your tween is developing actitical inner voice. Suggest they start to notice when they hear this ‘mean’ critic, and give ‘them permission to question it, To help them feel more positive, encourage them to develop a growth mindset by letting them know that all their learning is ongoing. Also, notice hhappitulcom | ssue 86 | 33the effort they put into things like schoolwork, which they can control, rather than the grades they get, and ensure you acknowledge that. Tweens can also take a hit in confidence because school systems tend to celebrate a narrow range of achievement in limited number of academic subjects, like maths and English, ‘To maintain their self-belief, let your tween know psychologists, such as Howard Gardner who devised this theory, believe there are at least nine different types of intelligence - such as musical- rhythmic, visual-spatial, verbal- linguistic, logical-mathematical, bodily-kinaesthetic, interpersonal, intrapersonal, existential, and naturalistic. Explain that we all hhave a unique cocktail ofthese, and while they still are on the way to finding out what their strengths are, only a few of these are recognised at school. ‘THE CHALLENGE: First friendship fall-outs As tweens branch out from the security of the family, they seek a tribe of peers to belong to ~ and these relationships help them define who they are becoming. But as these friendships get closer and more meaningful, they can also become more complicated. Inthe modern world, parents tend to panic most about bullying = which is repeated, one-way aggression against another child who can't defend themself. However, most conflict at this age isrelational aggression between peers in the same social groups, which is more subtle and harder 34 Issue €6 | happifulcom to spot. This can include alliance- building against a target in the group, name-calling, labelling, back-turning, silent treatment, and leaving others out. How to support your tween One way to buffer tweens is to explain some of the basic social science of human relationships. ‘Whenever humans create groups, hierarchies form; is inevitable people will have differences, whatever their age. Allegiances will develop and be broken, and all of this is ‘normal social conflict? ~ so learning to navigate this is part of being human. Help your child understand these are power plays that occur in every group, not to take them personally, and how to move on to other friendship groups, ifnecessary. Help them make or keep up out-of-school friendships, too ~ in the neighbourhood or through extracurricular activities. This will remind them they are likeable, even when excluded in their school friendship groups.‘THE CHALLENGE: Wanting to go on social media Bynow, your child probably knows other kids their age who have been allowed to sign up to social networks, even though the official age limit is 13. 1F ‘your tween asks to do the same, you'e likely to feel torn, because youre worried they will miss out on building connections with their friends. But, your tween doesn't yet have the perspective to understand the impact of entering the online world, At this age, kids tend to engage in black-and-white thinking, and will insist they are aware of the risks and know how to handle them. In reality, without the life experience to understand how the wider world works, they dramatically overestimate their ability to deal with it. How to support your tween It is easy to be pressured into saying 'yes' too quickly to social media. But you are likely to find it easier to stick to boundaries by viewing social media asa health issue for your child, given what the research is now showing about its potential impact on child ‘mental health and anxiety. ‘Tweens are actually still developing impulse control and empathy, which helps to explain why one in five tweens have been exposed to cyberbullying (whether asa witness, a target, or an aggressor) between the ages of nine and 12, according to a 2022 study in the Journal of Early Adolescence. If they want to message friends or family, set limits ~ allowing them only to set up closed groups on devices that helongto the whole family, such as a household tablet. Another safeguarding suggestion isto make it clear that screens ‘must stay in the common areas of ‘your home, and are never allowed in bedrooms, as this is where sexting and grooming is most likely to take place. ‘THE CHALLENGE: Worries about the future During the tween years, children are starting to think about the ‘world beyond their immediate community, At the same time, they are hearing more about issues like climate change, overpopulation, as well as economic and political uncertainty. When new things aren't fully explained, tweens use a process called ‘magical thinking’ — which means they make up astory to fill in the gaps on what they dont yet understand, Because they also put themselves at the centre of every story, they may believe they are personally to blame for things, eg. for the ice caps melting, because they went on a plank Older tweens are also realising that parents are not superheroes who can magically fix every problem, or control the world outside the home. This may make them feel disappointed and. powerless. How to support your tween ‘When your tween tells you they are worried about the future, its tempting to immediately jump to reassuring them, But instead, hear them out. Ask what they've heard about the issue in question, so you can clear up any misunderstandings. (Pelationships ‘With the example of climate change, remind them that itis a long process, and lots of scientists are working hard to find solutions. You can also give them hope by talking about how mankind has survived other big challenges, like quickly developing vaccines to control Covid. Research shows young people ‘who feel empowered to do something about climate change tend to feel better about it, and less despairing - as demonstrated in several studies, including research by the Yale School of Public Health. So, encourage them to channel their anxiety into helping to make a difference at local evel - where they can see the difference they are making - whether it’s volunteering, or helping you to raise money for charity Ultimately, bear in mind that tweens are looking to you to see how worried they should be. So, take some time to process your own fears, so you can be a solid foundation for your child. WHAT'S MY aT AN erg What's My Tween Thinking? Practical Child Psychology for Modern Parents’ by Tanith Carey with Or Angharad Rudkin is out ‘now (OK books, £16 99). happitucom | Issue 86 | 35A ROOM OF ONE’S OWN Where and when do you feel most creative? And could uncovering your ideal conditions for working be key to pursuing your dreams? he kitchen table, the sofa, a bench... There is no limit, really, on the space we can use to work creatively. Some people flourish in a dedicated studio where they are away from interruptions, whereas others can perch themselves anywhere. For many, though, there are still conditions that can support our creativity, and realising what these are can help us with our artistic pursuits. NURTURING CREATIVITY “When we nurture our creativity, we are connecting with our inner child,’ says registered therapist Emily Knivett. “If we know more about what makes us feel curious, open, and arty, we have another space to turn to when life gets disheartening, We can discover solutions to problems, and we can come up with new ideas. Creativity is linked with calmness, and that is state we want to channel.” ve been writing for most of my life, from going along to my local writers’ group as a teenager to studying creative writing at university, and working asa professional writer for the past few years. Throughout my writing 36 |Isue 86 |happifulcom ‘Writing | Caroline Butterwick Journey, I've been conscious about ‘what does, and doesn’t, nurture my creativity, and thisis true for ‘many artists, whether a painter or a potter, acrafter or a cook. Itdoesn't matter whether you see yourself asa fulltime artist or just want to dedicate a little ‘more time to creativity. Perhaps you have an idea for a novel that Yyoute struggling to get started 6n, or you want to compose anew song, but seem to get distracted anytime you pick up the guitar. “recommend following your passions and notice where you feel joy, and follow that,” says Emily. “When have you felt the ‘most free? Think back to when you were a child, what did you spend hours doing? Did you write stories? Or perhaps you went to a dance class where you could express yourself physically. Not all of us have ‘experienced much play in our childhoods, so perhaps you could be brave and step a bit outside your comfort zone, and you may discover a new hobby. When you are being creative, try to be kind to yourself, especially if you are trying something neve. Allow yourself time to observe, take itat your own pace and try to embrace making ‘mistakes’? Inher essay, A Room of One's Own, published in 1929, author Virginia Woolf wrote of how “a ‘woman must have money anda room of her own if she is to write fiction’, and considered the societal and financial conditions that can prevent women from being able to produce creative works. It an important reminder that, for many of us, there are barriers beyond our control that can make it harder tocreate - whether a demanding Job, caring responsibilities, or ‘managing a health condition. ‘We can also think about what can help us as individuals to foster the conditions in which ‘we can best work. This can be the physical environment, ‘which could be a room of your own where you're able to be creative away from distractions, orhavinga comer of the Kitchen counter where you feel comfortable. Or you may find the ideas flow best when you're around others. Personally, while I work from home, I regularly write in coffeeshops, especially when I hit a creative block - there's something about the walk to my local café and then being around people that make a difference (a nice coffee also helps). FINDING WHAT WORKS FOR YOU Itcan help to take note, perhaps over the course of a week or month, of what helps kindle your creativity. A few things to consider are: + Isthere a certain place, or places, that help, and does this vary depending on what you're ‘working on? ‘What time of day do you feel ‘most creative and able to focus? Do you find it easier to work. ‘when there is noise or silence? + What materials do you need? Eg. do you find a pen and paper easier to write with than your laptop? + Do you prefer to workin a space by yourself, or around other people? + Ifyou're working with others, do they need to be working on similar things, ors it just about being near people? + What would the physical space you work at be like? + Whattends to distract you? + When and where have you felt ‘most able to work creatively? an you pinpoint what it was about this that made it ideal? Ofcourse, its important not to get too set in the idea that there ‘must be the ‘perfect’ conditions for you to be creative. “If we try to set up specific, rigid conditions, CREATIVECORNER Emily Knivettis a registered therapist. Head to the Counselling Directory to discover more, and have high expectations of ourselves, we can restrict our creativity,” says Emily. Waiting to paint a masterpiece until you have the dream studio with a beautiful view may mean the canvas stays, forever blank. Itcan take time to realise what works for you, and you may be surprised along the way, perhaps learning that your mind feels, freest when you get up early, or that you love sketching in. the street, What nurtures our creativity can also change with time, and depending on what we're working with, so while realising what supports us is helpful, creativity can be sparked in so many ways. OY hhappitulcom | ssue 86 | 37