Its been a very long time since I started to have thoughts in my mind about life-

lessons that I have been taking.

and the first thing that i realized is that you cannot take a life-lesson suddenly.
it takes very very long time.it takes episodes in your life.
but when you took it,it all appears like it was a complete and uninterrupted thing.
so i thought that maybe it would be good to write all the things down and it would
be helpful for me to read them all thus I can see how it merges into one good
lesson.

the beginning of the first lesson has started in the beginning of the school year.

WHY ARE WE SO OBSESSED WİTH BEING LOVED?

In a life,the most essential step you should take is to know yourself.

knowing your borders,your ethics,tasteS and pleasures decides what kind of people
will be around you.
so having none of these to have all kind of people with you,gets involved with that
topic I will tell you about.
what I have observed about this behavour is that this is absolutely the most
disgusting thing that you could do.
it means no self respect,no self confidence,having fear and misery.
but what constitutes this?
why are we so obsessed with having lots of people near us?
does it show that we are loveable enough?
why do we assume that people with lots of friends must be happy?

There are some specific characters in my life that made me questioning about
it.
First one is that girl,cey.
It's a big mystery i have in my mind. too hard to figure it out?
WHY AM I SO OBSESSED WİTH HER?
and why am I seeking for her validation in every thing I do, buy, like…
even though she has the most unlikeable character for me?
I don't even find her as a muse. I don't even think that she's cool.
even though she does some stuff which are out of my moral labels
why do I care her this much?

Recently I got the people which I found exteremely villians of my life.

I've been querying what is the right one.

WHAT THEY DO OR WHAT I DO ?

The thing that made me questioned this is that I started to consider the people
whom I would actually hate as the
cool ones.
I normally don't approve their behaviours.I normally would hate who they are.
but what is the thing that made us stop and consider people's characters and try to
convince ourselves they are actually cool people while the original us would never
take that people in our lives with clear thinking?

SOCIAL MANIPULATION.

You may have awful people in your life, that's fine.

That's actually one of the rules of life. You may come across them in your school,
at work,maybe in your home.
But having an awful group of people
you as If they are the coolest is a
yourself questioning about your own
spend time with them.What makes you
bullying.
in your life whom support the awful ones around
compeletly a nightmare.Because you would find
rules,labels and ethics in your life if you
spend time with them is of course unvisible

THERE ARE NO WORDS,NO ACTIONS.

Just energy.They don't have visible behavoirs.You cannot even prove that they're
bullying you.But thats the pure truth.Maybe It's the worst way to bully. Because
since their evilness are invisible,who they are is acceptible by other people.Some
people doesn't even realize their real persona.Thus it becomes very dangerous,The
invisible is visible for you unlike others,you can see the evilness but the others
don't.You can be bothered by that,but the others can't.In this way you have no
longer words to express your problem to the others.They could not comprehand it.So
the invisibiliy of their actions turns into the invisibility of your words.

There would be no chances of building a relationship with them for you.

Maybe they having the power of deciding this,makes us angry the most.
IS GETTİNG YOUR POWER BACK POSSIBLE?
Thats what I'm still trying to figure out.
HOW?
I still don't know.
but that's what I really need.
I cannot believe that they are the one who maintains the power in our situtionship
and I become the loser in this story.That's not me.

THE PLACE WHERE WE CAN SAY ''THAT'S REAL ME''İS THE PLACE WE FIND HAPPINESS.

loving yourself in that group becomes first than loving the people of the group.
If you can see the real you in that enverionment,you can love the enverioment.
So that's why the place you live,work or study matters this much.
You have to match your energy with the city thus you can love the city.
You have to match your energy with the people around you thus you can love them.
That's the secret.
What you need to feel good is to go somewhere you considered to be good.
and what I need is absoloutly
ADMIRATION.
I'm craving people to admire me.
to think that I'm amazing,having the best life ever, having the best anything ever.
What I need to feel good,spesificliy,is this.
what may occur this,me being the one who maintains the energy in my
relationships,as highest as it can be.
Ironicliy,I have dozens of relationships which are the opposites what I'm talking
about.It's what makes me dissatisfied about my life recently.

Even it's damn fucking absolote that pulling somebody down is a very common way to
hide your insecurity,I'm still pretending like It's not...

I'm still trying to normalize what they do while the real Ecrin inside of me
yelling at me to stop.
She knows that they are not normal.
but I'm the one out of the box in this circle.
I'm the odd while I have been living A LIFE THEY DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.

WHY ARE WE SO TEND TO JUDGE PEOPLE THAT EASILY ALTHOUGH WE DON'T HAVE A CLUE.

You don't know me at the age of 5.

You don't know the fight that I've made with my mom.
You don't know how kind of a girlfriend I am.
You don't know my dreams.
You don't know me naked.

or is this my fault?
Do I close myself to others?
Where the instict that made me share nothing to others coming from?
How can they even admire me when I don't share anything?
Whom I admire always share something.
There are always some materials out there that I can understand their feelings or
characters from.
Do I even show that materials?

What I reeaaally enjoy is my insta.

I really like to create a persona for me to show to the others.
so…
they can think that I'm likeable.Maybe they will find out I'm their
dreamgirlfriend?
Was this healty?
But thata's the only place that I share some stuff.