REFLECTION PIECE

(The friendship hurdle by ROBERT J RINGER)

Friendship hurdle is about how to find and form
relationships with people who can add value to
your life. At the core of Ringer’s theory lies the
notion that friendship is not merely a bond based
on convenience or happenstance but rather a
mutual exchange of admiration, respect, and value.
As I reflect on my experiences with my friends, I
find resonance with Ringer’s perspective.
Admiration and respect serve as the foundation
upon which friendships are built as stated by
Ringer (pg. 187). Recalling one of my past
friendships which eventually ended, lacked mutual
admiration and respect.
Let’s call this person ‘J’, J was in my life for three
years, and our “friendship” was stronger than ever.
J would occasionally make fun of things I am
insecure about myself, or say something
disrespectful as a joke, never appreciated my wins,
and would always compare us whenever I
achieved something belittling me. I always felt the
lack of comfort and warmth around J. This shows
the lack of respect and admiration which
eventually led making me feel uncomfortable
around J, proving Ringer’s point of mutual respect
and admiration.
Although J would make up for the disrespect by
buying me something or saying something sweet
which was quite literally fake, it was a toxic
pattern of friendship proving yet another valid
argument by Ringer, that “If admiration and
respect aren't there from the outset, then it's not a
friendship; it's an unhealthy relationship.”
Ringer’s emphasis on rational selfishness
elucidates the importance of approaching
friendships with a mindset of reciprocity and
mutual benefit. A concept that initially seems at
odds with the idea of friendship, rational
selfishness is the keystone of value-to-value
relationships. It acknowledges that friendships,
like any worthwhile endeavour, require an
investment, a willingness to give of oneself in
exchange for fulfilment and enrichment.
I believe that J and I continued to be friends for
two years for the sole reason of rational
selfishness. We would always provide or help each
other with something or the other fulfilling each
other's needs making it a value-to-value friendship.
I realize that the most fulfilling relationships are
those where both parties contribute to each other’s
well-being and not just one. The friendship will
collapse when only one person cares genuinely
and the other doesn’t. It’s not about keeping a tally
of favours exchanged but rather about genuinely
caring for each other’s happiness and growth.
This could be why my friendship with J did not
work out since J did not care for my happiness and
growth and was only in it for selfish benefits.
The concept of the “free-enterprise friendship
market” further underlines the idea that friendship
like any valuable product requires investment and
effort. Just as in a marketplace, friendships entail a
cost, whether it be time, attention, or emotional
support. Understanding and accepting this has
empowered me to approach friendships with
clarity. Genuine connections cannot be forged
through entitlement or expectation but through
willingness to invest and reciprocate.
Yet, as with any relationship, there is a possibility
of imbalance, a tipping point where the scales of
reciprocity become uneven. It is here that the
friendship hurdle looms, unchecked expectations
and unfulfilled needs create the biggest obstacle.
Perhaps most importantly, Ringer’s theory serves
as a reminder of the need for balance and
reciprocity in friendships. It’s all too easy to fall
into the trap of taking friends for granted or
expecting more than one is willing to give.
However, as Ringer points out, when friendships
become one-sided, they risk losing their essence
and relationships devoid of genuine connection.
In conclusion, Ringer’s insights serve as a guiding
light, a reminder that true friendship is not a
transactional arrangement but a reciprocal bond
forged in the crucible of shared values and mutual
respect. By embracing principles of admiration,
respect, and rational selfishness, I have found
solace in the knowledge that the friendships I
cultivate are built on a foundation of integrity
mutual love, and care for one another.
I also realized the importance of setting boundaries
and engaging in open communication to avoid the
same mistakes I made in the past with my past
relationships/friendships. I completely resonate
with and agree with Ringer’s theory of the
friendship hurdle.