Step 2ะ Maiotaioiog Healthy Boundaries

One Important concept in selfcare, relationships,

parenting, and coparenting is the understanding of healthy
and unhealthy boundaries. Often families are entrenched in
con ict becau- boundaries are not recognized,
established, or respected.
Fences, windows, houses, and walls are all examples of
physical boundaries. Even your skin is an example of a
boundary; it lets some things in, while keeping other things
out.

As humans we experience psychological boundaries as

well. Your need for personal space is an example of a
psychological boundary, and that boundary may differ
from one person to the next. Fersonal space de nes where
you end and someone else begins. For some individuals,
having aperson stand afew inches from them is
comfortable, but another's personal space boundary may
extend afew feet from him or her. Additionally, someone's
personal space boundary may change, depending on the
other person or people involved and the event within which
that person is interacting.
Your individual psychological boundaries are shaped by

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Well as whom you choose to be around. Early childhood
experiences can greatly affect how boundaries play apart in
your world. These invisible psychological boundaries ‫ملعهق‬
how you think and act, from broad concepts such as right

and wrong, to ve^ personal experiences, such as who can

touch you. For example, some readers may not have a
problem at all if you happen to ask them aquestion wh e
they're reading this book, while others may feel frustrated
that you interrupted them while they’re clearly in the
middle of reading.
Your personal boundaries vary from one person to
another and from one siftration to another. In healthy
relationships, your boundary with another person is exible
and safe. Maintaining healthy boundaries means
recognizing a-
recognizing and respecting the boundaries 0( others at
different times, based on circumstances.
Respecting the boundaries of your child and your
coparent involves recognizing that your ch d and your
coparent have the same right to expect that their personal
boundaries will be both respected and honored by you.
Many times, being properly respectful involves accepting
responsibility for any lies or poor behavior on your part by
acknowledging what you've done and apologizing.
It may be dif cult to know when you have crossed your
coparent's boundaries, especially if he or she has not made
t h o s e b o u n d a r i e s c l e a r. H o w e v e r, t h e r e a r e o b v i o u s
boundary violations. The law has de ned some boundaries
for us, such as privacy, safety, slander, and consent. Other
examples include entering your coparent's personal space
without his or her consent, sucli as showing up on his or
her doorstep without permission, searching his or her
computer, reading his or her texts, going through his or her
belongings, posting on his or her online accounts, or
stalking your coparent. Still more examples include
withholding important information about your child bo<\\ do
(medical, exttacurticular, or ttavel), spreading vindictive
information about your coparent to others verbally or via - Ti i ^
the Internet, harassing your coparent verbally or in writing,
and physically, sexually, or verbally abusing your coparent.
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 Assertive communication respects
boundaries by de ning for others what is or is not
acceptable for you. However, aggressive behaviors violate
the boundaries of others. Aggressive behaviors includes

٠Obvious a٠ession: Observable external behaviors

that violate the rights of others. Typical of
individuals with anger-management issues. For
example:

๐Raising your voice, yelling

Confrontational body language
Talking over others
Pointing ngers or clenching sts
oThreats and putdowns
oDomestic violence, whether verbal or physical

٠Passive-aggressive behavior: Covert (concealed or

hidden) or overt ^latant) resistance to the boundaries Movtdiiiiowl'"
or requests of others. Passive-aggressive individuals
avoid direct confrontation by procrastinating, W-haviofs ‫هب‬.,
pouting, or misplacing important materials. Instead
of communicating honestly about their thoughts or see ๗Oẩc¿·,
feelings, they showresentment and/or are obstructive
in their behaviors. For example:

oClaiming they agree, then complaining to others

oBackstabbing
oDoing only the minimum or making ahalftearted
effort

oSetting up others to fail (sabotaging)

oMisplacing or not exchanging important materials
oNot showing up on time or delaying aprocess
oPartial responses

Recognizing unhealthy boundaries is the rst step in

forminghealthy ones. Healthy boundaries not only improve
the coparenting relationship, but they help you serve as a
role model for your child's rture understanding of healthy
relationships. With healthy boundaries, you are aware of
which emotions, thoughts, and feelings belong to and apply
to you, and which belong to someone else, such as your
child and/or coparent.
Examples of unhealthy, collapsed parenting and
coparenting boundaries include:

The choice not to say no to your child or new

relationship when it is appropriate to do so, because
you are afraid of rejection or abandonment.
The choice not to stick with aplan; you change your ■Ạvũ/d
mind depending on how you feel at the time or what
others think of you.
The choice not 0‫ ؛‬set limits when others attempt to
negatively affect your coparenting relationship.
The choice not to remain consistent in your
coparenting relationship because your identity
consists of what you think others want you to be, so
you change your actions and reactions to your
coparent depending on who is around you.
The choice not to maintain the balance of power or
responsibility in your relationships, so you tend to
be either 1) overly responsible for and controlling of
your child and/or partners, or 2) passive and
dependent in your relationship with your child
and/or partners.
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 ٠The choice not to limit the sharing of problems
within your coparenting relationship and your
complaints about your coparent, meaning that you
involve others, such as your child's teacher, your
child's friend's parents, the coach, and so on.
٠The choice not to limit abuse or to tolerate being
freated with disrespect, including allowing others to
treat your child or coparent abusively o r
disrespectftrlly.
٠The choice not to rely on your own opinions,
feelings, and ideas, thus creating inconsistencies in
parenting and your coparenting relationship.
٠The choice not to put the needs of your child above
the needs of your intimate relationships.
٠I.choice not to have healthy relationships because
you let your child run the show,

-samples
violence, unhealthy,
of
circumstances) rigid
(excluding
parCnting and.domestic‫؛‬
coparenting
boundaries include:

٠The choice not to say yes if the request involves

interaction with your coparent.
٠Thechoicenottobe exibleandexploreoptions
with your coparent.
٠Thechoicenottoexploreconsistencyandcontinuity
incarebetiveenhomes;instead,yourigidlyinSiston
parentingyourwayinyourhouseindependent0‫لم‬
fO- your coparent's parenting style.
«The choice not to have contact with
vd so exchanges of your child occur with no contact
between parents or at apublic location, such as a
shopping center or maU.
XYXOÍÌ/ ٠The clioice not to allow your child the maximum
bene t of peer relationships and exti-acurricular
activities during your parenting time.
٠The choice not to aUow your ch d the opportunity
to spend time with
or communicate with family
^lembers.in
parenting
time.the
other
household
during y o u r

٠Ichoice not to have empathy for your ch d or

coparent.

٠: nottoactivelyparent,,soyoudistance
٩٥m
spending parenting
time responsibilities
withyour foy
either
child,orhavingothers not
sUch

.‫ح‬:‫سل‬٠‫ج‬٠‫;لةة‬٠‫ته‬،‫ةل‬
your
coparent
andinstead‫حئ”هءةلجث‬
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 The choice not to ask for help from your coparent.
The choice not to engage in authoritative parenting,
and instead engage in rigid and punitive
authoritarian parenting.
The choice not to talk positively about your coparent
to others.

The choice not to have close relationships with the

parents of your child's friends and to limit your
child's time with them.

The choice not to tell the whole truth, but instead tell
partial ttuths or “spin" facts to create afalse negative
impression of your coparent.
The choice not to engage in healthy respect and
instead use negative-control techniques, such as
sarcasm, shaming, name calling, retaliation, chronic
lateness, jealousy, and self victimization.
The choice not to praise your coparent, but instead
reinforce or support your coparent's self-limiting
beliefs.

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Examples of healthy parenting and coparenting
boundaries include:

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The choice to separate your previous intimate
relationship from your current coparenting
relationship.
The choice 0‫ ؛‬share the decision-making for your
child with your coparent.
The choice to seek input from your coparent before
making decisions foryourchildin most circumstances.
The choice to respect your child's independent
relationship with the other parent and other family
۴ members.

The choice to recognize when the problem is yours

or when it's your chüd's or coparent's.
The choice to recognize whether your concern is
really about your child versus yourself.
The choice 0‫ ؛‬be child-focused rather than adult-
focused.

The choice to ask for help from your coparent when

you need it.
The choice to terminate abuse or disrespect and be a
role model for your child, independent of how your
coparent acts.
The choice to communicate your coparenting wants,
needs, and requests to your coparent.
The choice ،0 recognize that you, not your child or
your coparent, are responsible for your own
happiness and ful llment.
The choice to seek intimate relationships with
individuals who support your coparenting
relationship.
The choice to recognize your parenting and
coparenting limits.
The choice to allow your child and your coparent to
de ne their limits.
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