LLL Book

Laser Coach Training
Mentoring, Life Coaching
Marion Franklin, MS, MCC

http://www.LifeCoachingGroup.com
Life Coach, Marion Franklin, is dedicated to helping people improve their lives - one step
at a time by sharing knowledge, thoughts, and ideas. Whether you are a coach working
with clients, a coaching client, or simply interested in improving your life, “Life’s Little
Lessons” is written for anyone and everyone who wants to gain new perspectives, un-
derstand human behavior, and personally grow. To that end, this is a compilation of over
100 true-to-life and practical lessons written between 2004 and now. I PROMISE you,
the themes are short and to the point (‘pithy’).
Feel free to let friends, clients, relatives, and associates know about “Life’s Little Les-
sons.” http://www.lifecoachinggroup.com/audiobook.php
If you want to SUBSCRIBE to receive upcoming newsletters, please click

enter your e-mail and then respond on the page proving that you are a person (to avoid
sp’am).
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
Copyright © 2004-13. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Table of Contents
Invitations......................................................... 1 Let Down........................................................ 54
‘I’ Message - Why Bother?............................... 2 Roles.............................................................. 55
Expectations Can Get In Our Way!.................. 3 Mental Attitude................................................ 56
Mirror, Mirror..................................................... 4 Impatience...................................................... 57
Giving............................................................... 5 The Lone Cow................................................ 58
Memorable Conversations............................... 6 Letting Go....................................................... 59
Attachments..................................................... 7 Lantern Lights................................................. 60
The Danger of Distractions............................... 8 Parking Karma................................................ 61
Just Say Thank You.......................................... 9 What Will They Say?...................................... 62
Time For a Change?....................................... 10 Far Too Nice................................................... 63
Going to Xtremes........................................... 11 Pain and Suffering.......................................... 64
Up and Down Relationships........................... 12 Trigger Points................................................. 65
Our Favorite Radio Station - WIIFM............... 13 Reason, Season, Lifetime.............................. 66
Excuses, Excuses.......................................... 14 Reach Out...................................................... 67
Either/Or......................................................... 15 Ouch! That Hurts............................................ 68
Whatever It Takes........................................... 16 Up and Down Relationships........................... 69
Better or Worse Than?................................... 17 Say it Simply................................................... 70
Playing Old Tapes........................................... 18 Decisions, Decisions...................................... 71
Point of View................................................... 19 Plan B............................................................. 72
What Really Matters....................................... 20 Possibility....................................................... 73
Over and Over................................................ 21 Arrogance....................................................... 74
Forgiveness.................................................... 22 Clutter Experiment.......................................... 75
Acting Out....................................................... 23 Ask For It........................................................ 76
Don’t Take it Personally.................................. 24 Tolerance........................................................ 77
Setting Limits.................................................. 25 Back in Time................................................... 78
Apology Accepted........................................... 26 Ask for Help.................................................... 79
Our Deepest Fear........................................... 27 Authentic and Vulnerable? ........................... 80
For the First Time........................................... 29 Encourage or Discourage? . .......................... 82
Always a Story................................................ 30 Over the Fence............................................... 83
Inner Knowing................................................ 31 Baggage......................................................... 84
Without That Thought..................................... 32 Generosity...................................................... 85
Don’t Make Me Wrong.................................... 33 Out of Context................................................ 86
Triangles......................................................... 34 Struggle.......................................................... 87
Compassion................................................... 35 Priorities......................................................... 88
Just Listen...................................................... 37 Projection....................................................... 89
Strategies....................................................... 38 Awake and Aware........................................... 90
Attitude of Gratitude....................................... 39 Looking Forward............................................. 91
Red Flags....................................................... 40 Not Good Enough........................................... 92
No Regrets..................................................... 41 In and Out of Integrity..................................... 93
Assumptions................................................... 42 Follow Your Heart........................................... 94
Woe is Me....................................................... 43 Waiting............................................................ 95
Shoulds.......................................................... 44 Comfort Zones................................................ 96
In Your Shoes................................................. 45 Feelings.......................................................... 97
The Rules....................................................... 46 Limiting Beliefs............................................... 98
Year End Reflections...................................... 47 A Wise Person................................................ 99
Synchronicity.................................................. 48 Focus Factor................................................ 100
Denial Equals Danger.................................... 49 Skip Resolutions........................................... 101
Truth vs. Honesty........................................... 50 Love Me, Love Me Not................................. 102
Inspiration....................................................... 51 See the Light................................................ 103
Permission...................................................... 52 Success Redefined...................................... 104
Obstacle Illusion............................................. 53
1
Accept Every Invitation 3/2004
(Unless harmful to your health)
How often do you decline an invitation because you have something else you would rather do? Or
you're not crazy about the person asking you to join? Or you're not interested in that type of event? Or
you feel like doing nothing? ...
So often we are asked to attend an event, join a group, go to a movie, meet for lunch or dinner, and
so often we say no thank you. Many reasons come up - too busy, not interested, don't feel like it, and
already have plans.
However, if you think of every invitation as an 'opportunity' you might not be so quick to say no. How
many times have you reluctantly joined someone and wound up having a great time, met someone
new, or been exposed to a new idea or new client, just because you wound up going after all?
If we think of an invitation as an opportunity for something positive, or something better, we may be

more inclined to make it fit into our schedules.
I remember a friend of mine inviting me to a BBQ at a time when I wasn't particularly thrilled to go
out of my way to be with a bunch of strangers. But something inside of me decided to go. Not only did
I have a great deal of fun, I wound up meeting someone who totally changed the course of my life from
that point forward. I realized then that accepting invitations may be a blessing of some sort. So I did an
experiment and accepted all invitations (that didn't seem harmful) even if I wasn't crazy about the event
or the person I'd be going with. I was invited to attend the local Chamber of Commerce meeting in a
church very early in the morning (not my thing!), and I had little desire, if any, to go. But, based on this
principle, I decided to go. As it turned out, I actually got to see original stained glass windows designed
by Matisse and Chagall. It was a most amazing experience despite my initial negativity towards the
event. What I noticed from following this principle is that my life became so much fuller - I was making
new friends, being exposed to more of the world, and definitely having more fun.
Does this mean that you should always accept all invitations for the rest of your life? - NO! It simply
means that by trying this out, you will then find it easier eventually to reach a balance and perhaps view
invitations from a new perspective when making your decision. This also works in reverse for those that
accept too many invitations and they become distractions keeping you from more important things.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT:
If you want to see how this principle may benefit you, "take the challenge" and try this experiment. For
one month, accept EVERY invitation (unless harmful - i.e. going to a stranger's home by yourself, or
something involving illicit drugs, etc.) At the end of the month, observe what changes have occurred
not only in your world around you but also inside of you. Perhaps, you are now more open and can be
more discerning about who/ when/ what you do with your time.
SOME POSSIBLE OUTCOMES:
Less or no boredom
More fun and joy
More options to choose from
Gain knowledge
Learn more about yourself
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love
to hear about your experiences.
2
What is the 'I' Message? Why bother? 4/2004
The "I" message is one of the easiest and most effective ways of communicating WITH ANYONE
especially when emotions are involved. Yet, I'm always surprised by how rarely it's used or how few
people know much about it.
It's the greatest way to get your point across, be heard, and not have the other person feel a need
to become defensive. Defensiveness only creates a prolonged argument or disagreement.
It's great practice to use the "I" message in all conversations. It clearly makes your point, and yet,
doesn't cause any dissention. In fact, it usually results in amazingly positive outcomes.
Below are some examples of the "I" message vs. what you would normally say as the "typical
response"
"I" Message "Typical Response"

I feel as though you're not listening vs. You're not listening to me
I believe there is another side to this vs. You always think you are right
I feel as though my opinion doesn't matter vs. You don't care about my opinion
I feel as though you don't care about me vs. You just don't care about me
I hear that as a 'put down' vs. Stop putting me down
I interpret that as being mean vs. You are mean
So what's the difference in each example? Using the "I" message involves explaining how a par-
ticular behavior is affecting YOU. That would be different for each individual but by expressing how a
behavior impacts you is a rude awakening for the person whose behavior is not acceptable. In every
instance of the "typical response," you are creating friction by accusing and by attempting to TELL the
other person how wrong they are and how they 'should' treat you differently. In turn, the person de-
fends their action and the argument ensues.
Let's look at a real example. A client of mine was complaining that his teacher seemed to focus
all of her attention on certain students sitting in the front of the room and ignore those sitting off to
the side or in the rear. He wanted to speak with the teacher and tell her to pay attention to all of the
students – in particular, those in the back where he was seated. I suggested that he try a different
approach using the "I" message. He spoke with the teacher and simply said "When I'm sitting in the
back of the room, I feel as though I'm not being noticed and addressed." So in essence, he made it
'his problem' - not what she was doing wrong. If he had said "You aren't paying attention to the people
in the back of the room" she would have probably responded with "That's not true - I pay attention
to everyone." However, by using the "I" message, she simply responded, I didn't realize that I wasn't
looking toward the back of the room."
At first, it may seem odd to stop yourself from immediately saying "You…." No matter how odd it may
seem, if you are willing to try the "I" message experiment, you may have some very pleasant surpris-
es. So for this month's experiment, see if you can stop yourself from your old pattern and try on the "I"
message approach.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment and/or how it
turns out. I would love to hear about your experiences.
3
Expectations Can Get In Our Way! 5/2004
There are times when we truly look forward to something just as there are times when we
totally dread something. What is the difference between anticipation with joy and anticipation
with anxiety? Where and how does that expectation actually take place? If we think about it,
the expectations take place in our minds. And, what that really means is that we totally make
it up. We tend to create ideas and stories about how wonderful or awful something might be.
If we expect things to be positive and then they’re not, we have set ourselves up for a dis-
appointment. If we expect something to be difficult or challenging, and it winds up being easy
or fun, we are pleasantly surprised. The things that we expect are things that have not already
taken place, so in essence, we can’t possibly know for sure if they will be good or bad. Yet,
we THINK they will be one way or another. All the while, the idea of good or bad is going on in
our minds even though the actuality hasn’t yet taken place.
I can remember letting every distraction take me away from a project that I was really
dreading. In my mind, I expected the project to be difficult and time consuming. Clearly, I
couldn’t really know what it would be like because it hadn’t actually happened. Yet, I was
convinced of all the negatives. Eventually, I set aside a block of time and ‘forced’ myself to
deal with and finish it. What happened in reality? Once I set the time aside and focused on it,
it went smoothly. It wasn’t particularly difficult and the relief I felt when it was complete was
enormous. That is not to say that the expectation may have turned out to be true. It may have
been difficult, but it’s important to note that either way, a lot of energy went into the expecta-
tion phase and could have gone directly into the reality of doing it —rather than wasting en-
ergy thinking and guessing what it might be like.
Thinking back to a time when my children were quite young, my son, who is older than my
daughter, was extremely cautious and conscientious. My daughter was much more of a free
spirit who didn’t concern herself about responsibility. My son came home from school without
his hand-knit sweater. I went crazy not understanding how a child who is so responsible could
do something so irresponsible. Then I caught myself – I thought if this had been my daughter,
I would have expected something like that. And from that moment on, I realized how our ex-
pectations can get in the way and how our behavior can be based on ideas and thoughts that
just aren’t true and may have no relevance. ANY child could have left a sweater behind. The
difference occurred only in my expectations.
• Is there something that you have expectations around? Perhaps, it’s the behavior of an-
other person, something you have put off doing, or maybe it’s realizing that an expectation
exists in your mind about something you would like to be different.
• If you are willing, notice your expectations and see them for what they really are – just
ideas around something that may not be true or may not be possible.
• Also, notice how much time or energy goes into thinking about the ideas running rampant
in your mind. Hopefully, you’ll experience freedom and relief when dropping those ideas.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I
would love to hear about your experiences.
4
Mirror, MIrror - Who do I see? 6/2004
“A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world. Everyone
you meet is your mirror." -Ken Keys
Mirrors have a very particular function. They reflect the image in front of them. Just as a physical
mirror serves as the vehicle to reflection, so do all of the people in our lives.
When we see something beautiful such as a flower garden, that garden serves as a reflection. In
order to see the beauty in front of us, we must be able to see the beauty inside of ourselves. When we
love someone, it’s a reflection of loving ourselves. We have often heard things like "I love how I am
when I’m with that person." That simply translates into I’m able to love me when I love that other per-
son. Oftentimes, when we meet someone new, we feel as though we ‘click’ – sometimes it’s as if we’ve
known each other for a long time. That feeling can come from sharing similarities – i.e. personality, back-
ground, history, character traits, etc. We are comfortable because part of ourselves is being reflected.
Just as the ‘mirror’ or other person can be a positive reflection, it is more likely that we’ll notice it when it
has a negative connotation. For example, it’s easy to remember times when we have met someone we’re
not particularly crazy about. We may have some criticism in our mind about the person. This is especially
true when we get to know someone with whom we would rather spend less time – as opposed to more.
Frequently, when we dislike qualities in other people, ironically, it’s usually the mirror that’s speaking
to us. Example: Several years ago, I joined a friend who had invited several other friends as well. One
woman, ‘Laura’ continuously dominated the conversation. Each time someone tried to interject a thought
or start a different thread, Laura always brought it back to her story. It was particularly annoying as I felt
there was little opportunity to get to know the other people because Laura consistently put the attention
back onto herself. It wasn’t until several weeks had passed that I questioned and couldn’t understand why
was I so disturbed by Laura’s behavior as I didn’t have to be friends or spend more time with her. Finally,
it hit me! When I was REALLY honest with myself, I saw aspects of those same traits in me. I realized that
the reason we met was for me to hold up the ‘mirror’ and see myself behaving in an unfavorable manner.
So I began questioning myself further each time I encountered someone that I didn’t particularly like.
Each time, I asked myself "What is it about that person that I don’t like?" And then "Is there something
similar in me?’ In every instance, and sometimes I had to really get very introspective, I could see a
piece of that quality in me. So what did that mean?
It means that just as I can get annoyed or disturbed when I notice that aspect in someone else,
I better re-examine my qualities and consider making some changes. Even if I’m not willing to
make a drastic change, at least I consider how I might modify some of the things that I’m doing.
At times we meet someone new and feel distant, disconnected, or disgusted. Although we don’t want
to believe it – and it’s not easy or desirable to look further – it can be a great learning lesson to figure out
what part of the person is being reflected in you. It’s simply just another way to create more self-awareness.
As you encounter people, see if you can figure out what part of you is being reflected. If you no-
tice negative qualities, see if you are willing to look carefully at that part of you. It’s an op-
portunity for you to make a change for the better. At first, it may seem as though there’s no
connection. Upon further introspection and giving it some time, you may just figure it out.
5
Giving: Give What You Need 7/2004
“It is expressly at those times when we feel needy that we will benefit the most from giving.”
Ruth Ross
Did you ever notice how some people give you a present, perhaps for your birthday and it’s so not
right for you. It may not be your taste in music, or a color that you like, or a style that you’ve ever worn.
Yet, it’s something that suits their taste, their style. Why would someone give you a gift that doesn’t suit
you at all? Is it because they really don’t care about you and just want to give you a gift for the sake of
‘having’ to give you something? Or, is there something else going on?
There is a philosophy that says: If you desire something... Be that something in your own life.
If you want to ‘feel important’ or be acknowledged, etc., then make others feel important, acknowl-
edge them. More often than not, we want or need something but we don’t take full responsibility for that
fact. What we do instead, is give it to someone else in the HOPE that we will get it in return.
At times, you may think “I wish that people around me would be more attentive or pay closer atten-
tion to what I say.” Sometimes, you may not even be aware of this on a conscious level. We have all
heard “wishing and hoping won’t get you what you want” — but there is a way that by acknowledging
what you do need, you could get what you wish and hope for. How does that work? You would have to
make a conscious decision to GIVE that which you want but NOT with the intention of receiving it back.
The more you can ‘attend to’ people, the more you give ‘attention’ to other people, you might actually
get attention and/or the more you may feel the need for attention satisfied just because you are giving
so much of it.
Sometimes I feel (not an actuality – just a feeling!) that I don’t have enough people caring about me.
When that feeling strikes, I actually take the time to make lots of phone calls and send lots of e-mails.
What am I doing and why? I’m reaching out and asking people how are things going in their lives. What
are they up to these days? How is their family? First of all, it takes the focus off of me and secondly, and
most importantly, in that process, my caring about them nurtures me.
Did you ever go to the supermarket and the check-out person is particularly unfriendly? It bothers
me because I finally pick a line, can’t wait to get out, and I’m faced with a person who acts as though
he/she is doing me a favor! What would I rather encounter? A friendly, smiling person. Can I change this
person? No. HOWEVER, I do say something like, “Seems as though you are having a rough day.” What
happens? I get a response – sometimes an explanation, sometimes thank you for noticing, sometimes
a simple acknowledgment. No matter what, someone just felt cared about in some way. I’ve noticed that
the next time I get on that line, the cashier makes some (even if it’s minimal) effort to be friendly.
What is missing (do you ‘feel’ is missing) in your life?
Think about something that you would like to have in your life that you feel you don’t get often enough.
Then think of ways that you can give that to other people – perhaps it’s confidence, love, strength, sup-
port, respect, etc. Find ways that you can give it often and then note after a period of time if you notice
anything different about your need for that which you have been giving. Hopefully, the desire will be
greatly diminished or gone.
6
Memorable Conversations 8/2004
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."
Eleanor Roosevelt
Occasionally a conversation is memorable and we come away feeling excited, energized with something that
was said still lingering in our mind – sometimes even weeks or months later. In fact, we may still be thinking about
the exchange long after because in some way, it truly affected our thinking. Other times, we never think about a
conversation again unless something specifically triggers a memory or clue about it. What makes the difference?
At times we only remember the tone or feeling we get during or after a conversation – anger, jubilation, disap-
pointment, satisfaction, annoyance, etc. Sometimes we only remember one statement or a question that was posed.
What makes conversations memorable? Do we want them to be memorable? Interestingly, at times we do have a
choice. I’m sure you can think of a time when someone made a simple statement or asked a question and that set
you off in a whole new direction in your thinking.
Have you ever noticed how you can have stimulating, thought-provoking conversations with some people and
with others, it seems as though it’s more like a very simple chat? The nature of your discussions may vary greatly
depending on the types of discussions that appeal to you and with whom you choose to get into conversation. By
incorporating Eleanor Roosevelt’s quote into our lives, we can elect to raise the level of a conversation. This means
that it is actually up to us to choose the type of conversation we want to participate in.
Often when I’m with a group of familiar people, I notice that we wind up talking about people that we have in
common or the way someone acted, or something about co-workers, etc. The discussion is focused around other
people and what they’re doing or how they do something. That doesn’t mean it’s a ‘bad’ conversation, but it is more
like gossip. Gossip is defined as: a chatty talk. While we love to chime in and share our thoughts, upon reflection,
I’ve found those conversations to be unfulfilling and not particularly memorable or consequential.
A personal example – Recently I met with a friend and after some basic catching up she mentioned a young
man she knows that is getting married and how the marriage was arranged especially quickly, and that she felt as
though something seemed amiss. After some speculation, we laughed at how we were gossiping. As the conversa-
tion continued, we talked about the possible reasons for the hasty marriage and realized that the bride-to-be is in the
country on a visa and probably needs to marry in order to remain here. We agreed that this was probably a mutually
agreeable deal that was struck between them. We then continued to talk about ‘arranged marriages’ and ‘marriages
of convenience’ which then led to wondering what constitutes a good marriage. What does it take to have a success-
ful marriage and how do arranged marriages compare, etc. We realized that we had taken the conversation from
the ‘people’ level (gossip) to the ‘event’ level and then to the ‘idea’ or concept level and how much more stimulating,
interesting, and intriguing the conversation became.
This is not to say that every conversation needs to be memorable or even stimulating. However, if we want to
have more intriguing conversations and we choose people who also enjoy good discussions, then we can raise the
conversation by broadening the perspective and discussing the concept or theory behind the words.
The next time you are in a conversation that seems to be going nowhere and you would like to add spark to a dis-
cussion or bring the conversation to another level, listen carefully and try to identify the overall concept. Note how
the subject may apply to your life – or to life in general and introduce related thoughts and ideas to the conversa-
tion. Through this expansion of thinking, rather than staying with the details, a conversation can take on another
dimension.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear
about your experiences.
7
Attachments 9/2004
What would life be like if we had to suddenly give up our first name? Our home? Our photographs?
Some of our friends? What if we could no longer experience the sun shining? Never again hear music
playing?
We may consider some of the above-mentioned items as things we definitely would not want to alter
or live without. Are they attachments? If attachment by definition means connection, affinity, loyalty, are
we attached to them? And, if so, is there a problem when we are attached to things, ideas, and people?
It is said that attachment causes suffering. Could that be true for you?
"The detachment of the wise man is not detachment from people or situations but from his ideas and
attitudes about people or situations."
Despite our typical thinking, we do not have to ‘detach’ from anything because if we really look
closely, we are not actually attached in the first place. It ‘feels’ as though we are, but in reality, we aren’t
attached to anything. However, we ARE frequently attached to the ideas and thoughts and then we
make the interpretation that we are attached to the actual item, person, or situation.
For twenty years I lived in my ‘dream’ house built in the 1800’s and extremely special and unique
in many ways. Whenever I thought of my life, I only pictured it in that house. It was as if the house
‘belonged’ to me – not in the literal sense, which of course it did, but in the figurative sense. It was as
though in some ways I was one with that house, thereby creating an exceptionally strong identification.
The idea of living elsewhere seemed out of the question. It felt as though this is a part of who I am. Was
there any truth to any of those feelings? Upon examination, I discovered that it was the identification
with the house, not the house itself, that was really getting in the way of my moving out.
Fortunately, one day I was walking in a newly discovered neighborhood where the houses were rath-
er close together. As I passed each house, I wondered who lived there and what life was like inside. I
wasn’t curious about the house itself, but I was about the people inside. I thought about how each home
housed a different family with different dynamics. It was then that I realized that the physical structure of
the house made no difference. It was all about what went on INSIDE that mattered. I could then relate
this to ‘my’ house and realized that as long as my family stayed together, it made no difference which
roof, which physical structure housed us. It was all about the people, not the structure. That clinched my
decision to move to a smaller, more suitable home and thereby, let go of the attachment.
So often, we are bound up with the ideas and attitudes we have towards something that we so
closely identify with them. If, however, we could just imagine all of these ‘things’ as important or mean-
ingful to us and realize they are not a part of who we really are, then if for some reason we had to, we
could more easily let go of them.
Off the top of your head, you can probably name at least 10 things that you believe you are ‘attached’
to – things that feel as though they belong to you and make up a part of who you are. After making
such a list, examine each item and look at the idea, the attitude or the thinking that allows you to feel
attached. Perhaps you can see that you are not really attached to these things and that your life would
still go on without them. Imagine the suffering when you feel attached to something and then lose it vs.
the freedom when you can let go of the ideas that create the attachment.
8
The Danger of Distractions 10/2004
"We have a bumper crop of real issues this year. In fact, we have so many things to think
about that it’s easy to lose sight of the most important among them."
Jonathan Alter, Newsweek, 9/20/04
So often we have great intentions. We receive a gift and want to quickly give a ‘thank you’
call, or send a quick e-mail, or even write a note. Yet, it doesn’t always happen when we think
about it or when we want to do it. So what gets in the way?
Of course, we have many things in our schedule and probably too many ‘to-do’s’ on our list,
but if we examine what really goes on when something doesn’t get done, or when we don’t
stay focused on a task at hand, we notice that something else has captured our attention. That
something has pulled us away from our intended task, thought, idea, or path.
In the simplest description, it could be that we start to write something down and the phone
rings. We take the call and then forget what it is we were doing and move on to something else.
The phone call is the distraction. It keeps us from what we were doing or planning to do next.
While this is a simplistic example, this can happen on a large scale as well. Distractions come
in many forms and oftentimes, we ‘create’ them to avoid doing something that needs to be
done. We know we have to leave the house for an appointment, but we decide to ‘quickly’ do
one more thing, which in turn, causes us to be late. Once again, we didn’t stay on the intended
path.
As a more serious example, one of my clients is on a very focused career path. She has
mapped out the steps she needs to take to reach her goal of becoming a self-sufficient entre-
preneur. She has carefully researched options, and she plans to take several specific classes
and courses that directly relate to her ultimate goal. In the process, she took a class that in-
trigued her and then followed up to get more information. Unexpectedly, she got swept away
with excitement about an expensive, time-consuming course that seemed as though it would
further her career efforts. In pursuing the details, she discovered that the course would, in fact,
not be ideal at this time as it is costly, involves travel, and has a time-commitment.
So what happened? Something new and ‘sparkling’ caught her attention. In so doing, it
distracted her from her intended pathway. Upon this realization, she could see how easily dis-
tractions can pull us away from our intentions. Had she taken the course, it doesn’t mean that
it wouldn’t have helped her become an entrepreneur in her field, but at the very least, it would
have been costly and changed the time line. It almost took her away from her values – the
classes and courses that she had previously chosen to pursue because they truly supported
her goal in an effective manner.
How often are you pulled away? Can you think of something dazzling that tends to draw you
in and you forget what you were doing? Notice on a daily basis how often something captures
your attention and distracts you. Step back and see if you can also look for the ‘big’ things that
draw you away from your intended path (including things that you create). Once you notice the
distraction, you can choose to drop it, ignore it, or evaluate it, and stay focused in the direction
you were originally heading.
9
Just Say "Thank You" 11/2004
Very often we hear things like "What a nice outfit" or "I really like your tie" or "Thanks so much
for helping, we couldn’t have done it without you." And, what’s our usual response? Oh! This
outfit – I got it on sale last year, it was a great bargain. Or, perhaps, "So glad I could help but I
really didn’t do all that much." In each example, what we notice is how difficult it is to JUST SAY
‘Thank You’ or to accept thanks from other people.
What makes saying thank you without any qualifiers so difficult? What is it about being
complimented that can make us so uncomfortable? A few personal examples that happened
over the past few weeks inspired me to write about this topic. I had plans to go to a concert and
dinner with a very long-term friend of mine (over 50 years!) and her husband. When we got to
the box office, they insisted on paying for my concert ticket. I kept saying things like "This is
not right. You shouldn’t pay for my ticket. There’s no reason for this." Finally, they said "Just
say thank you." I was so embarrassed because I realized how foolish I sounded and yet, how
uncomfortable I was at the idea of not paying for my own ticket. What I didn’t consider was how
much pleasure they received in doing this gesture. The same thing happened again when we
went to dinner. My first instinct was to fight for the check, etc. but I simply said, "Thank you so
much. I truly appreciate this." I noticed how uneasy I felt but also how much more appreciative
I was as I was taking this gift to heart.
Last week, a former client who is moving to the West Coast asked to meet for lunch before
the final move. At the end of the lunch, she took the check and said "This is my way of saying
thank you for all that you’ve done. If it hadn’t been for your coaching and the Personal Freedom
course, I would never have had the guts to pick up and move and follow my dream. You truly
opened me up to new possibilities and I’m so grateful." This time, tears came to my eyes, but
I was smart enough to say, "Thank you so much. It has been my pleasure." She then actually
told me how glad she was that I didn’t protest and take away from her joy of giving."
While it’s easy to know that we are ‘supposed’ to just say ‘thank you,’ too often we want to
qualify or embellish our response. That uneasiness about receiving a compliment is likely due
to a lack of self-esteem or self-confidence that doesn't allow us to believe that we are worthy.
In the examples that I described above, I know there was a part of me that felt that I haven't
really done anything and don’t deserve this. Why would we think that way? It makes no sense.
Oftentimes I have given freely with no expectation, so it seems only natural that other people
do the same.
Consider paying attention to the responses you get when you compliment or treat someone.
Notice how the protesting can take away from your joy of giving. More importantly, practice
JUST SAYING "Thank You" when you are treated or complimented. At first it may seem un-
comfortable, but you may discover that when we only say ‘thank you,’ we truly take in the com-
pliment or the gift. It leaves a space for acceptance.
10
Time for a Change? 12/2004
The measure of success is not whether you have a tough problem to deal with, but whether it is
the same problem you had last year. John Foster Dulles
For some people, the start of the new year seems like the perfect time to start anew, to finally handle
or change something that hasn’t been okay. Yet, despite making all sorts of promises, it's rare that we
actually stick with it and make those changes that we claim we want. What is it about saying that we
want to make a change and actually making the change that stops us?
Despite our good intentions, something usually prevents a permanent change. How often do we vow
to exercise regularly, lose weight, get more organized, clean out the closets, stay in touch more often,
change jobs, be on time, etc. Sometimes it means making a simple change or designing a realistic
plan. Other times we decide to make a change and we hold to it. Yet, how many of us actually stick to a
new, consistently positive routine? Seems like a good idea at the time, but before we know it, time has
passed and we’re back to the same old/same old.
'Conflicting intentions' simply means that we 'intend' one thing, but the subconscious intention in
another direction is stronger and wins out. Then, of course, we complain about not reaching our de-
sired goal and give up on the resolution. For example: I want to get a promotion and move up in the
corporate world. Yet, the ideas around 'moving up' are associated with more responsibility, less free
time, etc. Because that seems so unpleasant (not necessarily on a conscious level), we stick with the
same routine to avoid what we think will be more responsibility and less free time. If it’s around losing
weight, the ‘hidden idea’ could be that we would have to spend money on new clothes. Oftentimes, we
have a subconscious idea associated with the intended result. So how can we can we focus and make
changes that actually work on a long-term basis?
It's great to be able to identify where the discrepancies lie between what you say you want and what
you really do want because sometimes it turns out it's only what we 'think' we want. Sometimes, we get
hooked into the 'shoulds' but a 'should' doesn't come from within and leads to failure and disillusion-
ment. i.e.: I 'should' lose weight and exercise regularly.. In actuality, it's not until WE ourselves WANT
to lose weight and exercise that we could possibly stick with a plan.
The easiest way to begin is by creating a compelling vision of exactly what you want that includes
how you believe you will feel, and how your life will look once the outcome is accomplished (much big-
ger and broader than a goal). Then, it's important to devise a plan in VERY small, incremental steps
that fits your individual style that ultimately leads to making long-lasting, permanent changes. Once a
VISION is created (not goals), keep seeing that perfect image in front of you and let it pull you forward
so that you can achieve what you have set out to do. By breaking it down into small, tiny steps, (i.e.
exercise for 10 minutes twice per week and then add minutes OR frequency) it seems so much simpler
and actually 'doable.' Perhaps seeing the same old thing in a new way can be inspiring and motivating
and lead to a new, better result.
Think about something that you would like to change. Create a strong, compelling vision that includes
a well-defined outcome. Then devise a step-by-step plan that you share OUT LOUD with a friend or
coach and then be accountable on a weekly basis rather than looking at the whole plan by yourself and
feeling overwhelmed. Mark your progress as you go along so that you can take pride and feel good
about what has already been accomplished toward the vision. Too often, we get locked into looking at
what's left to do and forget to appreciate what's already been done!
Every man who accomplishes things sees first in his mind what he wishes to do. He puts
away all doubt. It makes no difference how small or how large the thing you want to do may be;
if you have an unlimited confidence in your ability to do it, you will do it. - Charles Fillmore
11
Going to Xtremes 1/2005
There are many things that we do that are at one end of the spectrum that we don’t even
realize it. There are things we do so consistently that we may not even see it as extreme. For-
tunately and unfortunately there is something we can do to change that and find the middle or
at least more of a balance. The unfortunate part is that often it requires going to the opposite
extreme.
Here are some examples:
One of my clients was lamenting about watching way too much TV and not getting other
things done. I asked him if he would be willing to not watch any TV for one week. After agree-
ing and keeping to the agreement, he noticed that he survived – with difficulty! It was after that
week of total abstinence that he opened up to life without TV and as a result, he now makes
better decisions on when and what he watches.
Another client was like Pavlov when the phone rang. He immediately answered it no matter
what he was in the middle of doing. Again, we made an agreement that for one week he would
let the answering machine pick up and take messages. It was okay if he returned the call im-
mediately because the ‘habit’ or the extreme was always answering immediately – no matter
what. Since that experiment, he now answers the phone when it’s convenient, when the caller
ID signals an important call, or when he feels like it. The need to answer no matter what has
been eliminated.
A personal example: My type of vacation or true relaxation is to go to an island where I can

lie on the beach, swim, read and listen to music, take walks, have great conversations with new
people and dance at night. Accordingly, that is the type of vacation I have consistently chosen.
This year, however, as my daughter graduates from grad school, I let her choose a destination
of her choice where we could go together. She chose Costa Rica which is known as an ad-
venture vacation with a tremendous amount of moving around, packing/unpacking, hiking and
sightseeing.
I was apprehensive at best and had to bring bug repellant, ponchos, binoculars, and only
one carry-on suitcase, so I felt as though this trip was completely out of my paradigm. For those
that know me, this was clearly not my usual style. Now that I’ve returned and survived , I can
honestly say that I may not choose this type of trip the next time, BUT it has opened me up
to seeing how the same old type of vacation could be more rewarding and exciting with some
sightseeing and exploring. A combination of the two types would create more of a balance be-
tween pure relaxing and total sightseeing and will most likely be my next vacation.
The results of going to the opposite extreme is that once you have tried something com-
pletely different – and survived it, then you can see exactly where you are, where you have
been and become more aware of the in-between and how that might benefit you. When we get
locked into one extreme, we can’t see any other way.
Think of something that you do absolutely, completely the same way each and every time. If
you are willing, try the complete opposite, at least for a very short time, and then notice (after
surviving) how you can now find more of a balance and how the extreme may now seem nar-
row and confining.
12
Up and Down Relationships 2/2005
As we add to our life experience, we have a tendency to spend more or less time with certain people – de-
pending upon our needs and values at any given point. People that we used to love spending time with may no
longer feel satisfying. We may gravitate towards new people or perhaps increase our time with someone whom
we used to spend very little time. What’s going on?
The bottom line is that relationships fluctuate over time and that’s okay. When we think about it, it doesn’t make
sense that a relationship will necessarily ‘stay the same.’ The individuals, and the relationship itself, changes and
grows with life experience.
Personal examples:
I had a friend with whom I shared so many things and vice versa. We became very close and cherished the
friendship. Over time, we were changing, and I noticed things that no longer aligned with my values. I started
to openly question the things that didn’t feel right for me. I kept feeling as though I had to remain friends even
though it sometimes seemed hypocritical. Then it occurred to me that if we continued to enjoy certain activities
together (i.e. concerts or lectures), that would be enough.
With another friend, it was just the opposite. We got together when it worked in our schedules, but each time
we were together, we noticed how invigorating our conversations were and how much we enjoyed our time. So I
made a point of getting together more often and elevating the closeness of the relationship.
From these examples, it occurred to me that not only do relationships fluctuate, but also that I can make con-
scious choices about who, how often, and in what way I spend my time with someone. I realized that limiting or
increasing my time and energy with one or another person makes sense. Accordingly, I began looking at all of
my relationships and what I expected, needed, wanted from them. Below is a chart explaining the different levels,
and from that, I can mentally choose where someone fits in (up or down depending on where I am in my life). Of
course, this is not arbitrary as it takes two to be in any relationship.
Level Description
TOP = Highest possible Challenges you, supports your growth and well-being, uncritical,
loving, and holds you to a high standard
STANDARD = Most common Status quo, sharing, accepts you as you are but doesn’t challenge
you to be better
BASIC = Acquaintance Activity partner (walking, tennis), neighbor, co-worker, shopkeeper
LOW = Undesirable Negative, draining, difficult to be around, unpleasant
Based on the personal examples above, I noticed one friend moved from Top to Standard to Basic and how
that worked well for both of us. The expectations, disappointments, and challenges no longer got in the way. The
other friend moved from Standard to Top because it fit for both of us. We do challenge each other to be our best,
and we are willing to hold each other to a high standard – in a good way. Choosing certain people in our lives
potentially allows us to be more productive, happier, and successful.
Looking at the levels, we may want to move people up or down – and actually stop associating with Low level
people. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s a family person or a boss – in which case, we can realize where they fit in
and know that higher expectations are probably fruitless. If we want to elevate a relationship (get closer), we can
consider asking the following questions:
What are the things about our relationship that make it special for you?
What is it about our relationship that you would like to see improve?
This has the potential of deepening the friendship and opening the relationship to profound dialog.
Perhaps it’s a good time to examine and change some of your relationships. Where do they fit in with where you
are right now in your life? Do you need more support? Are these people capable of giving you what you need?
If they accept you for who you are but don’t challenge you to be your best, do you want to make that different or
leave it as is? Do you enjoy their company at certain times, in specific ways, and want to emphasize that aspect
of the relationship? Are there people you want to include more often; others less often?
13
Our Favorite Radio Station (WIIFM) 3/2005
The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. Ralph Waldo Emerson
So often, before embarking on something we begin by asking questions such as : What’s in it for me?
– WIIFM, our favorite radio station What do ‘I’ get out of this? Why should I bother doing that? Usually,
without a satisfying answer, we decide not to proceed. Yet, what would it be like to do something, help
someone, offer something with absolutely no foreseen advantage, payoff, or compensation?
Many years ago, I remember my daughter telling me that oftentimes she would pay the bridge toll
for the car behind her. I thought this was sheer lunacy. She didn’t know the person and had no idea if it
would be appreciated. Furthermore, it wasn’t as though she had a lot of money and could afford to give
it away on a whim. Years later, I learned that she got the idea from my son and the inspiration had been
passed along. I totally did not understand and could not fathom what reasoning could make a random
act like this acceptable.
That was until… I realized I had done something of a similar nature and it felt so amazingly reward-
ing and satisfying. Upon meeting ‘Joe’ at a business networking event, he mentioned the name of his
company and gave me a business card that in no way reflected the unique name of his company. At the
time, I was a publisher doing typesetting and logos. Within a short time, I created a laser-ready image
of a business card with a logo reflecting the company’s name. I placed it in an envelope, wrote a brief
note signed only with my first name, and mailed it with no return address. I will never know if it was re-
ceived and/or appreciated. It wasn’t until many years later when learning about ‘being of service’ that I
reflected upon that event and realized just how gratifying it felt despite not knowing anything further.
Recently, a client told me the story of how he prepared to go cross-country skiing and how he took
all of his equipment out of his car when a woman asked if he could help her because her car was stuck
on some ice and snow and she needed to pick her daughter up at school. . First, he felt some hesitancy,
and then he dismissed the mind chatter and became fully devoted to helping this woman. Due to time,
he lost his opportunity to ski. He mentioned that he did get a workout, albeit not the one he had initially
planned. He told me how that didn’t matter because he knew that he made a difference in someone’s
life that day.
Being of service (and/or meeting a need as it arises) despite any outcome we originally intended can
only work well once we give up ‘WIIFM’ and what do ‘I’ get out of this? If we focus on the ‘doing’ we'll
resent spending our time this way. Service can be a way to affect a difference in the world, open up
space in our lives as the feeling of abundance allows us to feel that there is more than enough (time,
energy, money) to go around. It may also help to keep us from dwelling on our own problems and get
us to focus on something more meaningful.
I invite you to consider some small way you can be of service and try it out. Here are some examples:
buy a stranger a cup of coffee (or lunch for the person on line behind you); offer to help someone with
a project; pick up an item for a neighbor; offer childcare; bring in food for co-workers; etc. Whether or
not it works for you, perhaps you’ll try again or now become aware when someone has served you. No
one can tell you whether being of service will be rewarding or feel terrible. Only you can make a choice
to be of service in some way and find out for yourself if there is a ‘payoff’ – perhaps in some completely
unexpected way.
14
Excuses, Excuses 4/2005
If you don't want to do something, one excuse is as good as another.
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to justify and excuse things we do or don’t do instead of owning
up and taking responsibility? No one wants to be proved wrong and oftentimes we don’t want to face
up to our own shortcomings or perhaps poor judgment or poor choices we’ve made.
Recently a friend was telling me that he couldn’t get to his friend’s house before late in the day be-
cause he was so rushed and had so many things that had to be done before he could leave. I asked
him when he started doing all of those things. Listening to the answer, that was when it occurred to me,
it didn’t have to be this way. Had he started his day earlier or had he handled some of the things earlier
in the week, he could easily have left and arrived at his friend’s house a lot sooner. While feeling rushed
and crunched for time was very real, he couldn’t objectively see that had he made different choices, it
would have played out differently. Sometimes, we don’t clearly see in our own situations where we can
take responsibility for our choices. It’s so much easier to either place blame on circumstances or simply
come up with excuses – which we actually label as reasons why things don’t go according to plan.
Not long ago, it occurred to me that for quite some time, I had not been going to exercise. It’s never
been an exact routine for me, but I did set a minimum standard that I was adhering to rather consis-
tently. What was my ‘reason’ for not going? – You guessed it! "I don’t have the time." True, I’ve been
very busy with work, proposals, projects, groups, clients, etc. Yet, I truly believed that when looking at
my schedule, there really was no time to fit in exercise. It felt justifiable, rational, and very real.
Almost two months ago, my mother fell and needed a tremendous amount of care. She hired some-
one during the day but felt that she could handle the evenings on her own. Realizing that this was not
realistic, I began commuting, almost daily (an hour each way), to help her with dinner and getting ready
for bed, etc. Many nights I worked from her house (the joys of being a coach This went on for several
weeks. Certainly, I knew that she was a priority, and clearly I knew I was needed.
Upon reflection, I realized what an interesting concept that I was able to make the time to care for her.
How odd is this? I spent two hours driving and several hours with her. Obviously, we can see where this
is going. While I truly believed I was too busy to find time to exercise, I certainly found time for some-
thing else that was way more time consuming.
So I’ve come to realize that as much as we rationalize and believe what we tell ourselves, most likely
we are making excuses. It’s easier to justify, pardon, mitigate, vindicate than it is to own up and take
responsibility for the choices we are making. More often than not when we are late, it’s not due to the
traffic; it’s because we chose not to allow enough time for that possibility.
Where in your life have you been meaning to do something and just haven’t gotten around to it? I’m
sure there are many ‘reasons’ why you haven’t done it yet. When was the last time you arrived late be-
cause you didn’t allow enough time? The first step is to acknowledge that you have made a choice not
to attend to it – not to start or finish something or not to leave on time. Once you can take responsibility
for your action or inaction, then you can make a conscious choice if you will or won’t do something dif-
ferently next time rather than come up with yet another great excuse.
15
Either/Or 5/2005
When you hear either/or it’s time to sit up and take notice. That’s a signal that something
is missing. Our society has become accustomed to thinking in ways such as: strict or lenient,
easy or heard, empty or full, and more recently in the U.S. red states or blue states. In every
instance there is something else that’s not being considered. We tend to get tunnel vision and
really believe that one way or the other is our only option.
Let’s consider opening up our thinking so that when we hear either/or –- A or B, we know
there is a 'C' we haven’t thought about.
In an overly simplistic example, one of my clients, a teacher, was asked by three friends if
he would take care of their pets while they vacation over the summer. Loving the idea of some
extra money, he was weighing the idea of ‘giving up’ his summer freedom and accepting his
friend’s requests or saying no to all of them and enjoying the summer free and clear. Then I
asked "what about only accepting one of these job offers and turning the other two down? That
way you can get some extra cash but not feel as though you’ve given up your summer freedom.
It may seem obvious as you read this, but when it’s our own thinking, we get very stuck in be-
lieving there are no alternatives or in the ‘all or nothing’ syndrome.
Recently, I was toying with the idea of expanding one of the courses that I offer. My thinking
revolved around the idea that I either expand it and do it together with a colleague or leave it
as is. My concerns revolved more around the viability of working with another colleague rather
than the expansion itself. It wasn’t until I was coached in a conversation discussing my ‘dilem-
ma’ that I was asked "what about creating a mini series to test out the feasibility of working with
someone else and then consider expanding the course?"
Hmmm…. I only saw the either/or. Despite knowing that there’s no such thing, it’s still so easy
to get trapped into believing that the way we see something reveals our only options. This con-
cept shows up in subtle ways and we need to wake up and realize that we may not necessarily
like some of the options, may not end up choosing them, but more importantly, they always
exist!
As soon as you need to make a decision or are thinking about doing something or doing it dif-
ferently and you hear the words ‘either/or’ STOP! Remember that there must be alternatives or
other ways to handle or view the circumstances. If nothing else, each time a decision or choice
arises, think beyond what comes to mind because there IS something else that more than likely
hasn’t been considered.
16
Whatever It Takes 6/2005
‘You can’t make me!’ – Does that sound like a child being told by a parent what (s)he must do. Un-
fortunately, it happens to us as adults as well but it looks and sounds somewhat different. Oftentimes,
we’ve encountered people who really want us to do something and they will try everything in
their power to get us to comply.
In three distinct, recent conversations, the topic of manipulation arose. That was the signal to explore
it. The dictionary says: To control to one’s own advantage by artful or indirect means. In plain English,
my definition: When someone wants something and only wants it from a very specific individual
and will do everything they can to get it.
As an example: Sara wanted to go on a music cruise. After asking several friends who were un-
available or not financially capable, she concluded that only one of her friends would meet her criteria
– someone who liked traveling and could afford the trip and the time off. Talking with that friend, Sara
went on and on about the amazing opportunity, how great the music would be, the affordable price, etc.
The friend did not want to go and said ‘no thank you.’ When the conversation ends there, all is well.
However, with most people who use manipulation to get what they want -- however they can, Sara
pushed harder. She talked about the chance to take a break from work, the musician line up, the incred-
ible pricing, the ship’s reputation, etc. Again, her friend said ‘no thank you.’ Because Sara really didn’t
want to go alone, she didn’t stop there. Again, she pushed even harder touting all of the benefits, etc.
In the end, her friend said no but felt very badly.
Imagine creating that kind of result with a friend! The intention was to get that particular friend to
say yes and that’s what made it manipulative. Had she decided that she would ask several friends,
and if any one could go that would be great, and if no one could go, she would then either forfeit the
cruise or go alone, there wouldn’t have been any manipulation. Continuing the example: When I want
something (i.e. to see a particular movie), and I ask a particular person to join me, and I accept a yes
or no answer, it’s clean because I’m not attached to that particular person sitting next to me as long as I
get to see the movie. It becomes manipulation when I want to go with a specific person who says
no and I attempt to convince him/her to go with me that the manipulation process begins. When
we don’t take ‘no’ for an answer and keep pressing for a different response, or when we omit
certain pertinent details for fear of a ‘no’ answer, we are now in the process of manipulation.
People use all kinds of means to get what they want: cajoling (persuading), begging, bargaining,
tempting, enticing, etc. Unfortunately, it never feels good as the receiver. Even as adults, we get
‘sucked into’ doing things we don’t really want to do because the means used are meant to cre-
ate guilt and a final ‘yes’ answer. We need to know that it’s okay to say no – and we don’t nec-
essarily have to offer any explanation. That’s part of being an adult and taking responsibility for our
decisions and being our own ultimate judge. The typical fear is that we will cause anger or won’t be
liked or asked again. Ironically, it usually creates more respect than does the opposite.
When was the last time you did something you had serious regrets around because someone talked
you into it? Do you see how you ARE your own ultimate judge and can say no at any time. Next time
someone tries to manipulate you into doing or going and it’s not what you want, you have the right to
simply say no. You may find it useful to keep repeating the same ‘no’ response over and over and know
inside that you will not change your mind. That way, you can observe the manipulation process in full-
blown action and see just how unpleasant and devious it can be.
17
Better or Worse Than? 7/2005
Sometimes, without realizing it, we jump into comparison mode as a way to measure (or we think
it measures) how we’re doing. Note the commonality in the following statements? I’m finally taller than
my brother. I got a lower grade in class than my best friend. My neighbor drives a fancier car than I do.
Can you hear yourself saying “I can’t believe she can speak so many languages or I’m amazed at how
quickly I wrote that report and finished before my teammates.
Every day, whether we do it consciously or not, we are comparing. How am I doing? How am I doing
compared to… in any given area. The irony is that comparison rarely serves a positive purpose. It either
makes us feel inferior or superior – of which neither is really true.
For the most part, we are raised to believe that grades are important, that wealth matters, and that
as long as we can look around and see other people and how they are doing, we can assess how we
are doing. When we look at TV, movies, and magazines and see all of the ‘beautiful’ people, our focus
is usually misplaced. For many, it conjures up a feeling of inferiority. Yet, the next time you are in the
supermarket, notice how many people look anything like a model.
An example of comparison serving as a negative: A client was lamenting after attending her college
reunion that many of her former classmates are now extremely successful. When questioning what that
meant, she said they had prestigious jobs, great incomes, and were making a difference in the world.
For those of you who aren’t aware, when a client makes a statement, it is the coach’s job to probe
further and find out what’s in the perception category and what’s the truth. So what seemed as other
people doing far better than my client turned into an amazing realization. Upon further questioning and
probing, I asked my client what she had accomplished since graduation. She responded with state-
ments such as “I’m running a multi-million dollar company and have several employees.” And upon fur-
ther probing… “I’m in a very loving and supportive relationship and seriously contemplating marriage.”
And still probing for more… “I’m very passionate about conservation and ecology and doing everything
I can to organize people to help keep our planet clean, recycle, consider solar power, etc.”
Unfortunately, the above example is probably typical for most of us. When we look around us, we
tend to look out – at those people who we believe have or do more. Yet, at any given moment, if we
were to truthfully investigate, we would typically find that 50% of people are behind us and 50% are
ahead of us. Oftentimes, there are far more behind us.
Many years ago, I remember driving up my driveway and thinking how fortunate I am to be living as
I do. Shortly after that thought, my husband (at that time) commented about people that he knew who
had just bought a new boat and others that bought a second home. It was then that I realized that the
reason comparison can be so dangerous is that it keeps us from appreciating and realizing where we
are in our lives. (as in the example with my client). This applies to many aspects and not necessarily
material items. No matter what aspect: health, work, relationships, environment, at any given moment
we could find about 50% of the population behind us in some way.
Rather than looking around and focusing on what you don’t have, where you are not, where you could
be, etc., I invite you to think about all of the things YOU have accomplished and acquired. If you want
to compare, look at your life now vs. ten years ago (or last year). That’s a comparison that can be use-
ful. We spend far too much time comparing ourselves to others instead of looking at and appreciating
ourselves as individuals.
18
Playing Old Tapes 8/2005
When we were children, we had no easy way of distinguishing between good and bad messages.
Oftentimes, we hear stories about adults still playing one of those childhood messages received from
a parent, teacher, or guidance counselor. Based on the adult’s comments, we still think things like: “I’m
not very good at reading.” “I’m not college material.” “I’m not smart enough to become a doctor.” As
children, we take these statements personally and accept them as the truth thus believing that there
is something wrong with us. Then we ‘grow up’ and unfortunately, many of us STILL play those tapes
(sometimes very subconsciously) and still believe the message. Ironically, the people who made the
comments would most likely not remember and have totally moved on with their lives. Unfortunately, we
are still allowing the comment to affect us.
An example: One of my former clients was working as an entrepreneur running a fairly success-
ful business. She had a few employees, but overall it was her business and her reputation. She was
lamenting that she had trouble keeping her calendar straight, sometimes forgetting to write down ap-
pointments. Often, she was fed up with client’s attitudes and she would blow off meetings or not return
phone calls promptly. Sometimes, she would let clients know that she felt they were too demanding.
I pointed out that it seemed as though she was self-sabotaging her opportunity, and her potential for
a truly successful business was in jeopardy. Looking at this premise, I asked one of those ‘key’ ques-
tions “Who would be upset if you were truly successful?” Her first response was the typical: “Nobody
– everyone wants me to succeed.” Upon further investigation, we discovered that she could remember
her mother saying, “Women should not go into careers. They should stay home and take care of their
families.” Somehow, that message was still playing in my client’s subconscious and somewhere deep
down, she believed it. Making this discovery and with further discussion, she could see how it had no
truth or value at this point in her life, and she was able to let it go and see it as her mother’s belief. She
then completely changed her attitude toward making her business a true success.
Another client told me the story of his guidance counselor suggesting, despite having good grades,
that he focus more on shop classes. The implication was that he shouldn’t bother going to college.
Fortunately, my client was so determined for so long to go to college that he was able to dismiss the
comment. That probably would not have been true for many other students.
What was it at that moment in time that was going on with the adult that allowed them to make such
a comment? In most cases, we can bet it was an opinion based on a bias, a prejudice, something going
on in their own life, perhaps a feeling of jealousy or frustration. It’s sad to think that a comment that actu-
ally reflects something that’s going on with another person can have such long-lasting harmful effects.
As adults, we still encounter comments that disturb us. Yet, now we have the wherewithal to look at the
source and realize the other person may be feeling fearful, angry, insecure, stuck, hurt, etc.
What message might still be playing in your mind? Look at a place in your life where you are not as
successful or happy as you would like to be. Perhaps you can recall a message from a long time ago
that affected you – one that hurt or really disconcerted you. Was this really about YOU or was it really
about the other person and a belief, feeling or opinion they were holding true at the time? You may want
to consider asking yourself the ‘key’ question: Who would be upset if I was really… happy? thin? smart?
successful?, etc. The natural first response is no one, but it could be someone who is harboring some
emotion that you aren’t aware of or someone no longer alive or in your life. Now you can look insightfully
at a past remark, see it for what it was, and move forward.
19
Point of View (P.O.V.) 9/2005
Let’s consider the following statement: James loves Robert. When you read that, what comes to
mind? Do you think James and Robert are a couple? Do you think they are long-time friends? Perhaps
you think they are father and son? Brothers? What makes the difference in how we view such a simple
statement?
Circumstances are events that happen or take place. We may have no control over them once they
have taken place. HOWEVER, we do have complete control as to how we tackle them and how we
view them. Each person’s POINT OF VIEW (P.O.V.) makes the difference as to how uniquely the same
circumstances are confronted. A P.O.V. is not necessarily right or wrong but rather a way in which we
choose to perceive circumstances.
One of my friends was diagnosed with cancer. After coming to terms with the fact that she had a
serious illness with a poor prognosis, she made a conscious decision to follow only alternative routes
to combat the disease rather than to try anything traditional. She also decided to live every day to the
fullest and believe that each day would be important and meaningful. Subsequently, she passed away,
and aside from the obvious, I had such a hard time understanding why she chose only alternative
medicine. It took some time for me to realize that she made her choices and decisions based on her
P.O.V. – not necessarily what I would have chosen. Another person may have elected only traditional
medicine, and another may have decided not to bother doing anything based on the prognosis. The
end result may have been the same no matter what – something we will never know. Yet, the most
important aspect is that she did what she believed was right for her quality of life. Upon this realization,
my P.O.V. changed.
A client was relating a story to me about having loaned money to his girlfriend who also borrowed
money from several other friends. She told him that at the very first opportunity, he would be paid back
first. His initial thought was that she was going to do that so that she could then get rid of him and end
the relationship. He was feeling like a victim of circumstance – poor me, about to be ‘dumped’ and
left alone. When I questioned his P.O.V., it came to light that other reasons might make more sense. I
asked him if it was possible that she respected and cared about him and wanted to make sure to honor
their relationship and assure that the relationship remain in tact. Since there are many ways to view the
same situation, another person may have come up with yet another possible reason for getting paid
first. While the circumstances didn’t change, his alternate P.O.V. empowered him to feel good about
the relationship and himself.
We come to every experience and set of circumstances with different filters, different ideas, and a
different history. Our P.O.V. often stems from those differences, but we can easily see how changing a
P.O.V. or an attitude can totally shift how we view the same circumstances and at times create a differ-
ent outcome. We can gain clarity, thereby making it easier to cope with the circumstances, oftentimes
in a healthier, more productive manner.
Examine a current situation that you find challenging, or the next time you are confronted with a dif-
ficult situation, take notice of the way in which you are viewing it. More than likely, by stepping back
and observing your thoughts, you can find another way to see the same circumstances from a different
perspective so that you will feel empowered. Instead of getting locked into one way to view your situ-
ation, open up to other possibilities – a different point of view, and you will likely find that the situation
will become easier to manage.
20
What Really Matters 10/2005
Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet;
and two others at first speech are old friends. Mary Catherwood
Life is full of ups and downs. There are times when things seem so simple and effortless and then
there are those times when it seems difficult, unfair, and overwhelming. No matter how it’s occurring,
it’s so easy to lose perspective.
Recently, I attended my high school reunion (okay – my 40th!). Aside from the fact that it absolutely
does not seem possible that so much time has passed, it was fascinating when I had to reflect and write
a statement (for a booklet for attendees) about my life since that time. My first question: How do I sum
up the last four decades and what’s really important? I thought about writing how I got a Master’s
Degree, teaching high school, co-founding a publishing company, my corporate work, coaching, etc. I
also gave thought to including marrying someone who graduated from the same school, divorce, and
my grown children. I wondered about including information about activities that I enjoy, places I’ve
been, and where I’m living now.
In the end, I wrote the blurb focusing on the present with mention of my past careers and my family –
as it is now. It wasn’t until I was actually in the room meeting people that I hadn’t seen in all those
years that I realized what really mattered. Almost every conversation began with a memory or story
from high school, and with many people, the conversation ended in that same place. There was, how-
ever, one friend that I had been very close to that I was especially glad to see. We got into conversation
and the connection that we had in the past was now in the present. We actually had tears in our eyes
as we spoke about our lives and how we felt about things now and what we had eagerly anticipated so
long ago. It was in that moment of sharing that I realized how little else mattered. It was in the profound
connection with someone else that so many of the usual distractions seemed to disappear.
Some of us are fortunate enough to have friends that transcend time. No matter how often or how
rarely we speak, it always feels as if we haven’t missed a moment in time.
Connecting with other human beings at a deep level is not something we do easily nor do we believe
the opportunity arises frequently. So what is it that allows a deep connection to occur?
• First, we must be open to the possibility.
• Connections arise when there is an unspoken respect for another person; what they have to say
resonates within us.
• It happens when both people feel safe being their true selves because there’s no judgment or criticism.
• It happens when we drop the ideas, the stereotyping and categories, the labels and the identities
that we think the other person fits into or who we are.
• It’s about abandoning the idea that the roles we play somehow define who we are.
In the moments that I felt truly connected to my high school friend, and all of the roles that we played
over the years had no bearing on how we listened and shared with each other. In general, we tend to
think that the roles we play, the cars we drive, where/how we live, our work are the things that char-
acterize us. All of these things mask the ‘real and true’ self. We are much more than our roles. If we
change careers or our children grow up and no longer need us in the same way, it doesn’t change who
we are as a person.
Think about the ways that you define yourself – and other people. How can you describe yourself or
someone else without mentioning their work, where they live, etc. What are their personal qualities that
make them special? I encourage you to see yourself and those around you in a new way – dropping
categories and labels, and not focusing on the roles, even though they may create the initial connec-
tion. Occasionally, the connection is profound, and if so, notice how those roles have no bearing. Notice
how all of the daily distractions do not interfere with your listening and the connection.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to
hear about your experiences.
21
Over and Over 11/2005
“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.”
When was the last time you got dressed and gave thought as to whether to put your socks or your
pants on first? When was the last time you thought about brushing your teeth before or after a shower?
There are so many things we do in an average day that have become so habitual, we don’t even think
about them.
Despite the fact that we do things so consistently, it doesn’t mean that we are doing them the easiest
or most efficient way. It’s just that once something becomes a habit, we no longer give much thought to
doing it any differently. By raising our awareness and actually being ‘awake’ when we do things, we
may come to realize that some things could be much easier, simpler, or faster. Other times, it’s
about doing things purposefully and consciously rather than mindlessly and habitually.
Here’s what I call a ‘shallow’ example. It’s shallow because it’s so simplistic and doesn’t have any
particularly deep meaning attached to it. The key, however, is to take these shallow examples and fig-
ure out how they might translate to the more important and meaningful things that we consistently do.
For the longest time, I kept a pair of scissors in my dressing table. Each time I needed them, it meant
opening the main section, then opening one of the small drawers to get to them. Of course, the reverse
was true when returning them.
In one of those ‘awake’ moments, it occurred to me how much time I was wasting and moved the
scissors to an outside drawer, thereby creating only one step to retrieve or return them. On its own, it
doesn’t seem particularly profound. However, it then became my mission to become more aware of
other habitual things I was doing that could be done differently. Many things remained the same, but
there are still little things that shift around because I realize there’s an easier or more efficient way to
arrange or handle them.
Sometimes we get locked into purchasing a particular brand and never give thought to trying another.
From experience, I have found that on occasion, another product truly is superior and that I needed to
be ‘awake’ to the habit of buying the same thing automatically and become open and willing to give
something else a try.
In one of the workshops I present based on the topic of change, one of the first exercises is to have
all of the participants relocate to a different section of the room. Those in the front move to the back or
those on the extreme right move to the center or to the left, etc. While there’s a tremendous amount of
grumbling and even annoyance, inevitably the comments following the change of seats are astounding.
People are amazed at the different vantage point, or perhaps then being able to see the flip chart more
easily, or they now have an opportunity to gaze out of the window, etc. While this is a contrived exercise
to make a point, ultimately, the positive effects have far outweighed the negative preconceptions and
the disturbance.
How many things – in an average day – are you consistently doing the same way? Perhaps it’s
your morning routine, perhaps it’s the route you drive, or maybe it’s a product you purchase. By becom-
ing more conscious of your choices and decisions, I invite you to consider trying something different.
At times, it won’t work out to be better, but there may be times when it will free up some energy and/
or time, or expose a new perspective, and perhaps you’ll be glad that you were open and willing to try
something in a different way.
22 Forgiveness 12/2005
The hatred you’re carrying is a live coal in your heart - far more damaging to yourself than to
them. Lawana Blackwell, The Dowry of Miss Lydia Clark
“A growing body of evidence shows that nursing a grudge can make you sick. Harboring negative thoughts about
someone restricts blood flow, decreases oxygen consumption and throws your immune and gastrointestinal sys-
tem out of whack. You may never forget how your ex dumped you, but you will sleep better, be more energetic
and be happier if you can put it behind you,” says Boston psychiatrist Dr. Ned Hallowell. Newsweek, 12/19/05
By definition forgiveness means: To cease to feel resentment against

The most common expression around forgiveness that I’ve heard involves the phrase “forgive but
don’t forget.” For the longest time, I could not truly grasp the meaning of that. What is the difference, I
wondered, and how does a person actually do that?
The distinction is actually quite clear, once you actually go through the process. Our memory will
not let us forget all of the hurt, pain, or wrongdoing that we believe we endured at some point in
our lives. We want to be able to recall it because we need to remind and protect ourselves from allow-
ing the pain to ever enter our lives again in the same way.
Forgiveness, on the other hand, is really about putting behind us the ideas regarding pain that we’ve
endured. It’s about changing our views and attitude around the person that we believe was responsible
for causing us pain. How do we do that when the anger and the resentment and the pain still comes to
mind when we think of what happened in the past?
The fist step is to want to stop having the painful memories flood our thoughts and remind us
of who caused it and what happened. Interestingly, part of understanding the process is to admit that
we ALLOWED the pain to invade our thoughts. Yes, there are people who hurt us or say or do harmful
things, but in actuality, we play a role in that. If we wouldn’t be receptive to feeling the pain, all of the
words and harm would occur as though we were listening and watching – rather than feeling it.
If you are walking down the street and a total stranger walks up to you and says “I think your outfit
and your hairstyle look terrible” we might wonder if that person is on drugs or crazy or weird. It would
seem so out of left field – so inappropriate – so inconsequential. Why? Because we have no connection
or trust in this person – Whatever they say to us has little value or meaning.
Forgiveness is about letting go – letting go of the anger, the ideas that you hold in your
mind about the person or event. It doesn’t mean that you can just ‘drop it’ but it does mean that you
first have to recognize just how much energy is going towards keeping the bad memories alive. Even
though we may believe that we are just fine while holding a grudge, there are mental and physical con-
sequences. Forgiveness in the truest sense feels as though a burden or heavy weight has been lifted.
It is very freeing and once it occurs, we realize just how much we were weighed down.
One helpful way to forgive is to look at the source of the pain and the person who inflicted it. The per-
son may not be capable of behaving in ways other than harmful. It’s possible that their own pain and
anguish may be so pervasive that they harm others as a way of communicating. Their capacity
for love and acceptance may be removed from their thinking.
Another possibility is that people who cause harm do so with most everyone with whom they come
in contact. This is not to say that misery loves company – but rather to show that this person may not
know another way. Oftentimes, people don’t intend to harm but based on their beliefs and personal
circumstances they make choices that hurt other people. While this does not diminish the pain that you
feel, it does put it into a perspective that may make it easier to forgive.Recognizing that holding on may
be hurting you physically or mentally may be impetus enough to choose to let go of the anger.
Are you living with pain and anger or harmful memories? Are you ready and willing to let go of them?
If so, first acknowledge that you are ready to do so and then look at what it is costing you and what
good it’s doing to hold on so tightly to those memories. How is that serving you? What’s in it for you
in holding on and not letting go? Once you find answers to these questions, you may never forget what
has happened, but you may be able to forgive and feel the lightness that accompanies forgiveness.
23
Acting Out 1/2006
When children have temper tantrums or cry for no apparent reason, it’s fairly obvious that there is something
they want or need. Because they can’t necessarily articulate what it is they truly need, they act out in a dra-
matic way – If they see a toy and carry on, it could mean that they are bored and need to be occupied.
Ironically, adults do something very similar. The difference is that when adults are not getting their
deeper underlying need met or are harboring unexpressed emotion, we create subtle behaviors
that are usually unattractive and stem from a subconscious level. Typically, we are not aware of
the underlying emotion or need that is not being fully met; we only know that something doesn’t seem
exactly right. Negative behaviors may not lead to what we want but rather may actually repel people.
Every human being has survival needs (i.e. air, shelter) and everyone has personal needs.
Examples of some of our deepest needs may include: safety control love
attention praise creativity approval freedom
Personal needs are not often thought about because most often, we don’t know what they are and how
important they are to our feeling content. The clues lie in how we express a feeling of lack regarding
those needs which manifests as negative behaviors.
An example: A client was upset that her friend hadn’t given her specific information that she felt should
have been shared. Instead of realizing and acknowledging that she was angry or hurt by this omission,
she became curt and unaccommodating not realizing that she was feeling a lot more than anger. She had
no way of knowing just how bothered she was until this ‘negative behavior’ showed up which then clued
her that there was more going on beneath the surface. We discovered that she was feeling undervalued
– as if she wasn’t important enough to have received the information. The ‘bad’ part about this wasn’t re-
lated to the information, it was the ‘acting out’ behavior that got triggered. Had she been able to figure out
the underlying, unfilled need (feeling valued) and express it, a mature conversation may have ensued.
The good news about recognizing the underlying and unfilled needs is that we can find healthy,
positive ways to get them met. It starts with noticing the behavior and questioning “Exactly what
is it that I really need?” Once we identify the need, then we could express it, discuss it, or perhaps ask for it.
One of my favorite lines from Cheryl Richardson (Life Makeover Coach on Oprah) is “Why would you
go to the hardware store for milk?” In other words, why would you choose or expect a certain person
to fill your need when in fact, they are unwilling or incapable? When we do so, we get annoyed and
frustrated when in actuality, we haven’t chosen an appropriate person to meet the particular need. Ex-
ample: You are feeling upset and distressed and seeking a good listener who can offer sympathy and
compassion and you choose a person who is typically cold and aloof. More than likely, there is some-
one more appropriate that could naturally meet your need.
Common examples: People who need harmony usually avoid conflicts. People who need to be liked
may give gifts or compliments unnecessarily. A common example is someone who ‘fishes for compli-
ments.’ They do everything they can to get you to say something nice. In actuality, their underlying need
may be for praise, admiration, approval, or simply acknowledgment. Once recognized, we no longer
have to display the negative behaviors – perhaps we can ask for what we need or seek out someone
who naturally lavishes praise. And in reverse, when we notice someone’s unmet need through his/her
behavior, we can help to fill it.
While it takes practice and self-awareness to recognize our negative or ‘less than attractive’ behaviors,
it behooves us to think about the unmet, underlying need creating the behavior. Behaviors may
be subtle – put downs, acting snippy, manipulating, controlling, wisecracking, withdrawing, etc. Once
identified, we could ask friends to fill the need at opportune times or we can surround ourselves with
people who support us and naturally fill our needs.
24
Don’t Take it Personally 2/2006
Someone can intentionally send emotional poison, and if you don’t take it personally, you will
not eat it. When you don’t take the emotional poison, it becomes even worse in the sender, but
not in you. Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements
From the familiar “I guess I wasn’t qualified for the job” to the “What have I done wrong?” we consis-
tently wonder how could we have done things differently. Why is it that someone didn’t choose us? How
come after I told someone a better way, they chose to ignore my great advice? I could probably come
up with zillions of examples of the same principle. It’s almost inevitable that whatever happens (good
or bad), human beings want to believe that whatever is going on is all about us. In truth, it’s NEVER
about us. While it FEELS as though it’s ABOUT us – it is actually NEVER about us. We may be the
trigger or the object but in truth, it’s ALWAYS about the person who holds the feeling.
If it’s not about us, then who is it about?
To further explain, here’s a detailed example of how we get trapped into thinking it’s about us. One
of my single clients was telling me about a guy she met at a party. She was all excited because they
had some really great discussions and she was feeling as though they had really connected. At the end
of the evening, she asked him if he would like to meet again. He answered that he wasn’t interested.
Somewhat surprised and dismayed, she left the party feeling dejected, rejected, and wondering… Was
it something I said? Perhaps he wasn’t attracted to me? What could have gone wrong? Several
days later when talking with another friend, she found out that the guy is gay and therefore would not
have been interested in pursuing a romantic relationship.
Another typical example is when someone doesn’t get a specific job they want. The first thought is “I’m
not qualified” or “I messed up on the interview”, etc. In actuality, the company may have been looking to
hire a mature, assertive female who could deal with the difficult manager of the department. As a young
male going for that position, while it would never be stated, there was no chance for that particular spot
no matter how great the resume and interview. Of course, in some cases, we aren’t the best person for
a particular job – but it’s not because there is something ‘wrong’ with us; it could be as simple as
we didn’t meet the need that was sought.
What does this tell us? Whatever happens (good or bad) is not about us. By taking things person-
ally and going straight to “What did I do?” or “My advice was so helpful” or taking on an emotion such
as guilt, it only serves to create distress on our part. In every instance, no matter what we have or
haven’t done, the other person has specific needs (i.e. to be on time, to avoid interruptions, to
look smart), and so in reality, it’s about that person and their need.
What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When we really see
people as they are without taking it personally, we can never be hurt by what they say or do.
Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements
Think of a time when someone got angry with you. The angry person expressed his/her anger and it
FELT as though it was about you. In actuality, you were the object of the anger (possibly the trigger for
their feeling) but this is actually about the person who holds the anger expressing himself or herself.
When you can OBSERVE a situation that feels as though it’s about you or directed at you, and
not take on the feelings, only then can you get a different and open perspective. Instead of feel-
ing wounded, guilty, rejected, etc. you will most likely feel a tremendous sense of freedom and
liberation. The next time your mind jumps to “What have I done wrong?” STOP – examine the source
and observe the person or situation and notice how it’s really about what is going on for them. (This
doesn’t mean that you would want to do it the same way next time.)
Keep in mind:
• It’s about not being responsible for someone else’s feelings.
• It’s about not taking it personally and not letting their emotion affect you.
25 Setting Limits 3/2006
How would you feel if a casual friend went to go into your pocket, removed your wallet, and counted your money?
When was the last time...
• someone asked you to do something that you didn’t have the time or desire to do but felt compelled to say yes anyway?
• someone said something that offended you and you remained quiet?
• someone stood too close and you felt uncomfortable and needed to step back?
These are examples of your boundaries being invaded or crossed. So, what exactly is a boundary? By defini-
tion, a boundary is a way to protect ourselves from emotional or physical harm by others. Boundaries are
about other people affecting our well-being and we need to know clearly ‘what’s okay/ what’s not okay’ FOR US.
No two people have the exact same boundaries since we have different thresholds, different tolerance levels,
and different values.
Healthy boundaries help us to experience a comfortable interdependence with other people. A person with no
boundaries is unable to prevent unwanted intrusions and may be unaware of ways to set them. The most
common reasons for saying yes or allowing something that isn’t okay is the fear of rejection, not being liked,
disappointing someone, or it seems easier to say yes.
Picture yourself in a field feeling totally free – Imagine surrounding yourself with a fence, bushes, or a moat.
The space between you and your imaginary circle is your sacred space and no one may invade that space – no
matter what. As soon as someone tries to enter your sacred space, they are crossing your boundary. That’s why
when you wind up saying yes when you really mean no, it feels awful. People may cross your boundary line
because they are insensitive or more likely are not aware of it.
Samples of personal boundaries:
• You are standing too close for my comfort zone
• I don’t have time to complete that
• I’m not able to pick up your groceries
• I can’t stay late
• I am uncomfortable when people touch me
• I’m not okay with offensive language
You are entitled to change your mind, make mistakes, say ‘I don’t know’, ask for more time, and not offer
excuses to justify your decisions. Eventually, you will want to aim to expand your safe space and keep ‘bad
behaviors’ even further away from you.
There are many hooks that get us to ignore boundaries for fear of negative consequences, such as:
‘“If I give the relationship enough time, things will change.” Actually, it is OK to set time limits in relationships.
“I believe I have to think and act in ways that will preserve the relationship no matter what toll it may take.”
Actually, you are not responsible for the actions of your partner.
“I am willing to forgo money, friends, and/or self-respect for the sake of the relationship.”
Actually, the truth is that your personal worth is not dependent upon anyone else.
STEPS for setting boundaries: I was in a phone conversation with a relative who was heated up about a situation
and raised her voice. Very matter of factly, (INFORM) I let her know that as long as she was raising her voice, I
would not continue the conversation. She continued yelling. (REQUEST) I stopped her and said, I’m asking you
to stop yelling or I can’t continue speaking with you. Again, a few sentences later, she started yelling. (CONSE-
QUENCE) I then let her know that if she insists upon yelling, I will have to hang up the phone. You guessed it….
When she was yelling again, I simply said, “I’m now hanging up the phone.” (FOLLOW-THROUGH)
These steps are sufficient to make your point and to feel safe. You may choose to skip ‘request’ but you can’t skip let-
ting people know what your boundary is and if it’s violated what the consequence will be and then follow through.
Initially, it’s uncomfortable to set boundaries. People are surprised that suddenly you are articulating what’s
not acceptable. Oftentimes, we feel guilty as if we are doing something wrong by protecting ourselves and setting
limits. I usually recommend that you start with little boundaries and work up to the ‘bigger’ ones. When you
have to set a big boundary (i.e. a planned confrontation), speak with a supportive friend beforehand and have
that same friend available afterwards to help discuss the outcome.
You can choose possibly feeling guilty because you are not accommodating someone OR you may choose to do
what is requested (or allow something not acceptable) and feel resentful, victimized, or angry.
What is a situation where you felt violated or crossed? Where do you need to set some boundaries? The first step
is to get clear around what is not acceptable and then let people know as appropriate. Follow up with a re-
quest, instruction, or warning. Create a consequence and follow through when the boundary is again violated.
Resource for additional information: - coping.org -- James J. Messina, PhD & Constance M. Messina, PhD
26
Apology Accepted 4/2006
Love Story (1970 movie) –starring Ryan O’Neal and Allie MacGraw.
TAGLINE: ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry . . .’
Wouldn’t that be easy and often let us off the hook!
Unfortunately, knowing that you are sorry about how something you said or did upset someone and not acknowl-
edging it (just because you love them) causes damage to the relationship. When there are bad feelings, an
apology is necessary and can only be effective if it is genuinely sincere and uncomplicated.
• If you apologize because it seems like a good thing to do at the time or because you believe it’s the only way
to salvage the relationship, it shows through.
• If you don’t want to believe that something you have said or done has caused harm despite the other person
expressing hurt feelings, it doesn’t work well.
• If you can’t imagine why someone feels badly about something you have said or done, the tendency is to not
properly acknowledge the other person’s feelings, thus leading to a rift in the relationship.
Although you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings, you are responsible for your words, actions, and
deeds. Whatever happens between two people may not be about you, but it doesn’t mean that what you’ve done/
didn’t do hasn’t upset or hurt someone in the process. It doesn’t mean that you are absolved just because it’s not
about you. (See ‘Don’t Take it Personally’) 2/2006 on Page 24.
Whether or not we agree or even understand why someone feels hurt or upset, if we care about the rela-
tionship (the person), we need to express how sorry we are that bad feelings exist.
Oftentimes, people believe that by explaining the reasons why they behaved or spoke in a particular way will help
to satisfy and smooth out the other person’s feelings. It’s as if our explanation is a justification, and therefore we
feel excused. Usually, as soon as we explain anything around the ‘why’ it happened, we’re in trouble. In essence,
we are making the entire “I’m sorry” null and void. Explanations tend to bypass someone’s feelings and make the
apology about us instead of keeping the focus on the other person.
The most common way that we apologize for something that has hurt or angered someone is by saying ‘I’m
sorry.’ Sometimes we skip that phrase and go right into explaining why. Other times, we say ‘I’m sorry’ and then
get into the explanation defending our action. We want to explain and give reasons to show that we were justified
in our behavior.
Example: I meant to call you but I got so busy and then my car broke down and by the time I got home, it was
too late. Instead of: I feel badly that I didn’t call and I can understand how disappointed you are. Lots of bad
feelings can be avoided before they escalate by first acknowledging them.
Jay Leno aired a sketch that upset a viewer and following a letter he received, he called her and simply
said: `Hello, this is Jay Leno. I’m calling about the letter you wrote and I want to apologize. I just want to
let you know we make mistakes sometimes and we don’t mean to hurt people.’
We can bet that the woman felt heard, understood, and most likely very forgiving despite how upset she had been.
Why?
Because. . . . he let her know that he was truly sorry and didn’t intend harm AND he took responsibility
for his actions. Typically, that’s ALL people need to forgive someone or at the very least begin the process of
letting go of the outrage and intense feelings. Had he said something like: ‘I’m sorry. We really meant no harm
but thought we could bring humor to this situation so don’t take it personally, she would have probably become
more upset. He would have been telling her HOW she should feel and justifying why he did what he did…. NOT
what she needed at that moment in time.
Notice the next time someone apologizes to you. Does it seem sincere? Is there some explanation getting in the
way? By noting how you receive it, it will help you when the situation is in reverse. The next time you discover
that someone feels badly because of something that happened between you, apologize with sincerity and be
willing to let go of the reasons why you did what you did. If anything, that will strengthen respect and keep
the relationship in tact.
27
Our Deepest Fear 5/2006
“Akeelah and the Bee” is a movie about an 11-year old girl from the south side of Los Angeles who,
against all odds, winds up winning a national spelling competition. At the core of the movie is the prem-
ise that we do not live up to our potential. Very often, it’s because we give credence to our deepest
fears. Reasons why we allow our potential to go unfulfilled may include feelings such as: undeserving,
inadequacy, or incapability.
Oftentimes, we believe that accomplishment comes with negative consequences. Possibly, we would
lose who we ‘think’ we are, our identity and our image of ourselves. Typically, we confuse our identity
with roles that we play (author, teacher, parent).
Many times we choose a career, a college, or a mate, believing that it’s befitting and that we are not
worthy of a better option.
A client told me about her experience of picking a college as a music major. She specifically looked for
schools that did not require complex auditions so that she would likely be assured of acceptance. In
retrospect, she realized that she would have easily passed almost any audition because she truly has
talent. Yet, at the time, she lacked confidence and believed that if she couldn’t do an amazing audition,
she would feel like a failure. So rather than risking that feeling, she avoided them.
Sometimes the risk is perceived as terrifying so it seems easier to remain in what we ‘think’ is
a safer place. We will choose a ‘lesser’ mate, an unchallenging career, or what we consider to be a
comfortable and secure choice.
Far too often, our decisions reflect our fears. We wind up believing the ‘inner voice’ – the one that keeps
telling us things like:
• You are not good enough;
• You don’t know enough;
• That’s for other people, not for you;
• You couldn’t possibly succeed at that;
• You have no luck, don’t even bother trying;
• No one before you has done it, what makes you think you can?
What has you believing that you can’t have more?
What allows some people to ‘go for it’ ?

What’s the magic secret (truth) that they believe that keeps them on a path to something greater? Think
about people who are rejected over and over and refuse to give up. Think about people who despite the
odds, persevere and eventually conquer. (FedEx, MacDonald’s, Edison)
What is the common denominator?

No matter what, they believe in themselves. Even when faced with challenges of:
• the unexpected, many unsuccessful attempts, or
• others disagreeing or disapproving, or
• the feeling as though they are the only ones going in a direction.
They are willing to go ahead anyway because their desire to move forward and honor themselves is
greater than paying attention to their ego’s little voice wanting them to remain ‘comfortable’ and stay
back. They are willing to risk REALLY staying true to themselves. CONTINUED
28
They are willing to acknowledge their fear, face it, and move forward anyway.
They are not willing to stay in ordinary or worse. They come to grips with the fact that their fear or imag-
ined discomfort is better than a potential lifetime of misery or defeat. By making a choice of not truly
honoring your own needs, you remain in mediocrity.
The movie reflected “Our Deepest Fear” by Marianne Williamson “A Return to Love: Reflections on the
Principles of A Course in Miracles.” (often incorrectly cited as a speech by Nelson Mandela)
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of G-d. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people
won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of G-d that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence
automatically liberates others.”
Things to think about:
Where are you playing small? Where are you not letting your light shine? What are you avoiding tack-
ling? What change needs to happen so that you will be in your greatness?
--Is it your job?
--A project that you haven’t finished?
--An unwritten book?
What options are you avoiding because of your fear?
29
For the First Time 6/2006
Walking into a room, or down a familiar street or neighborhood becomes so routine that the only thing
we really notice are: obstacles in our path, cars in the street when we cross, and anything else that might
affect our well being. Most everything is ignored because we expect things to be as they are.
Recently, some friends came to visit, and one from out-of-town, wanted to see my home, my latest
paintings, and the town where I live after hearing much about its charm.
As we walked through the village, I noticed that the streets needed cleaning. It was the first time that I
really saw how the ‘charming’ antique shops and many restaurants were dispersed between a variety of
practical shops (shoemaker, laundromat). This was not new information – I was seeing the same vil-
lage differently. The outing gave me a new sense of awareness. It was as if I was seeing everything
from my friend’s perspective and imaging how she was taking it all in.
As we toured through my house, it reminded me that we don’t actually take much note of our en-
vironment. Walking into my bedroom, as if for the first time, became a VERY different experience. I
noticed “the stuff” on my night table. I noticed some jewelry left out on my dresser.
When we stopped to look at some of the paintings, I was quite amazed when I saw my signature in the
bottom corner. I was seeing the paintings as though through someone else’s eyes, and I became so
aware of the detail. Yet, I see these things EVERY day on a regular basis.
Recently, I pulled into my garage and a sense of presence woke me up as I noticed there was way too
much clutter. It became a project starting with throwing things away, looking inside an old trunk (and
then throwing it away), moving like items together on the shelf, and eventually sweeping the floor. It is
not that I haven’t done any of these things before. This time was different. I could actually sense the
clutter. I am guessing that it was a problem long before that day, but pulling in as if for the first time, it
totally captured my attention.
When a client mentioned that she was planning to sell her house she asked if I had any great advice.
I said, “Walk into each room as if for the first time. Notice what draws your attention and what
detracts from your looking around. Get rid of as much as possible. Take one room at a time and
donate, sell, or throw things away.”
There is an adage: “The more you get rid of, the more you open up the space for new things to
come in.” We’ve all heard this or a variation at some point.
Consistently each time I have gone into the ‘clean up, get rid of’ mode I get a flurry of new clients. At
first, I didn’t notice a correlation. After reflecting, I realize that it not only brings a feeling of liberation,
in my case, it brings new clients.
This could be true about a relationship or anything else that you don’t really have room for in your life
because of the excess ‘stuff’ that is taking up unnecessary space. As a bonus, it frees up energy
rather than subtly and subconsciously cluttering our minds which drains our energy.
What are you stepping over?
What pile is lying in the corner of your room that needs to be sorted and put away?
Is your laundry hanging out where you can see it?
Are your closet doors left open?
What does your desk look like?
What would it be like to walk into a room as if for the first time?
What do you notice?
Since it can seem daunting to tackle, pick one room (perhaps just one corner) and clean out everything
that is unnecessary. When finished, walk in as if for the first time and look around. Notice if you
feel a sense of freedom, relief, or some other satisfying feeling. You may be amazed and pleasantly
surprised at what shows up soon after. You will never know until you try.
30
Always A Story 7/2006
What allows our minds to think things such as:
“We just had a big argument, and now she’s probably going to leave me.”
“I think that my boss isn’t pleased with my performance – this could mean I will lose my job.”
“My doctor hasn’t called back as promised. She’s postponing giving me the bad news.”
“I can’t possibly learn html programming. It’s much too complicated.”
The mind is so powerful that we can make up stories about anything and everything. It is hard for us to
know our truth, see the bigger picture objectively and actually distinguish ‘what is real.’ Typically, we
are so busy creating and believing scenarios that have little or no bearing on reality.
Recently, a client was telling me that despite all of her efforts and amazingly brilliant ideas, nothing
much was getting accomplished. She had some really ingenious ideas about inventions, about expand-
ing her business, and about getting organized. Yet, despite her efforts, nothing much was happening.
She claimed that she really wants nothing more than to be a successful entrepreneur.
So I got curious as to what ‘story’ she had invented in her mind that created this discrepancy between
what she wants and what is showing up. I questioned “What are the traits and characteristics that come
to mind when you think of someone who is successful?” Without exaggeration, here’s the answer I re-
ceived: Successful people are: greedy, selfish, egotistical, arrogant, subject to tantrums, and at times
they exhibit awful behavior.
With that mindset, what are the chances that someone could become successful?
It’s amazing how many things we make up and how many ideas are floating around in our minds that prevent
us from just being with ‘what is.’ The bad news is that we are unaware of our hidden ideas and beliefs. The
good news is that we can uncover those unconscious negative thoughts and dispel them one at a time.
For every conflict that we encounter, there is a seemingly very real idea behind it that keeps the
conflict in place.
Once we begin to determine and differentiate between the facts and the perceived ideas, we can
quickly see that our ‘stories’ usually stem out of our fears of what we believe may result:
--If we argue, it means the relationship will end;
--If I choose that, then I’ll lose this;
--If I succeed, I won’t have time for fun;
--If I try, I will probably fail, etc.
In the case of the client with the negative list around success, we might ask:
“Is that really true for every successful person?”
“How are your ideas about successful people serving you?”
“What would it be like if you didn’t believe that successful people only have negative traits?”
For any situation, those questions can be followed by my ‘famous’ question: “IS IT POSSIBLE ...”
Is it possible that a successful person can be generous?
Is it possible that he/she is capable of genuinely caring about his/her employees? etc.
Is it possiblethat you could learn a new program even though it appears to be difficult?
Is it possible that the relationship is better than ever and disagreements happen because we want
to be right about something?
Once our minds are even remotely open to alternative possibilities, we begin to move towards our goals
and vision. It’s all about removing or dispelling the ‘story’ that we have going on that stands in
our way of what we want and what we currently believe.
INVITIATION TO EXPERIMENT:
What do you want that you don’t have? Do you have a ‘story’ behind your thinking? What would it look
like if you dropped your story?
What thoughts come to mind as soon as soon as something goes slightly awry or is difficult to tackle? Do
you go straight to the ‘doom’ place? What if you invented a new story that has a positive outcome?
Perhaps you will be willing to look deeper by simply asking: “Is it possible….?”
If the answer is ‘yes, but...’ then you are already on your way to dispelling your ‘story.’ Even if you open
your mind just a slight bit to a ‘maybe,’ your ‘story’ loses power, and you are on your way to
making significant strides towards achieving your vision.
31
Inner Knowing 8/2006
Trust your hunches. They are usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level. Dr. Joyce Brothers
Our minds are constantly chatting away telling us what to do, how to do it, what to choose, when to do it, where
to go, etc. Unless we are meditating or 100% in the present moment (which tends to happen in spurts), our
thoughts run rampant.
Ironically, it is usually those thoughts that we listen to when making decisions and choices.
Yet, ever once in a while, our thoughts are interrupted by a ‘gut feeling’ or some internal red flag in our body.
Subtle as it may be, it let’s us know that something is going on.
‘Make a right turn here’ is written on the directions but ‘something’ other than our thoughts is signaling us and tells
us that a left turn would be a better choice. So which one do we choose? - - - the piece of paper or the ‘knowing’
inside of us?
Despite our usually ‘spot on’ intuition, more often than not, we choose to ignore it and go with the mind
chatter - if the instructions say make a right turn, that must be correct.
Recently, a client relayed a story about a committee that he joined to affect a change in his neighborhood. He
was specifically asked to head up one of the sub-committees. As soon as he was asked, somewhere inside of
him, the message was: “Don’t commit at this time.” Then the thoughts began….
They will think I’m a slacker if I don’t do this
Perhaps heading a committee will be fun and make me more productive
It will take too much of my time, etc.
Lots of thoughts back and forth weighing the decision.
Ultimately, he chose to decline and listen to the inner knowing. It turned out to be a very wise decision based
on circumstances that consequently unfolded. Something inside of him clued him not to go ahead despite the
thoughts that tried to rationalize the decision.
Sometimes, when I’m ready to leave the house, I get a fleeting sensation that I’ve forgotten something. Then I
take stock of everything I’m holding and ignore that momentary feeling. Sure enough, the shopping list or some
other item is still on the counter when I get home.
When going to the supermarket without a list because I only need a ‘few things,’ I walk past the aisles at the back
of the store reading the signs. Occasionally, I pause at an aisle to recall if there’s anything I need and then move
on. Inevitably, that pause means I need something from that aisle but my thinking gets in the way and says ‘keep
moving, you only need one more thing.’
These may be simplistic examples, but in truth, they represent how we listen to the chatter and have a tendency to
ignore the ‘gut feeling’ BECAUSE WE CAN’T ...RATIONALIZE, ...REASON, OR ...ANALYZE IT IN OUR MINDS.
The more aligned we are to ourselves – the more balanced and centered we are, the more we recognize
and trust our inner knowing and allow it to guide us.
We need to be more mindful of that pause, hesitation, or sensation rather than dismissive as we usually are. If
there’s a signal from within, believe that it’s there for a reason. The first step is to practice acknowledging it.
Think of a time when you had to make a decision and it turned out to be a fabulous choice. (taking a job, choosing
a school, buying a house, etc.) What created that final moment of choice? Was it all of the ‘should I or shouldn’t
I’ thinking or was it something from inside that ‘let you know’ what choice was best for you at that moment
in time.
INVITIATION TO EXPERIMENT:
Instead of dismissing that ‘gut feeling’ or inner knowing, believe that it arises for a reason and learn to trust it.
• When someone comes to mind, get in touch with that person
• When you see or read something that reminds you of an idea you had, take an action on it
• Pay attention to vocal cues, physical sensations, body language, and hesitations
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about
your experiences.
32 Without That Thought 9/2006
“No one can give you freedom but you.” Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is
We spend so much of our time wishing and hoping that situations will improve or get easier, or that other people
will change for the better. We want so much to feel happy and content and yet most of our time is spent on
wanting things to be different than how they are.
We wish things like:
• “If only my boss would give me praise once in a while.”
• “Wouldn’t it be great if I could feel comfortable instead of feeling like I don’t really belong.”
• “I wish they would care about my opinion and what I have to say.”
• “I want him to make more time in his schedule to see me more often.”
Can you imagine what your life would be like IF you didn’t have those thoughts?
All of these examples are the types of thoughts we have that keep us from being happy and content with what
is actually going on – that is, our reality. In some ways, this is similar to P.O.V. (Point of View) Page 19 (9/2005)
but it is different in that this looks at ways and reasons to let go of them and end the ‘suffering.’
This material is based on Byron Katie’s “Loving What Is” and what she calls “The Work.” In essence, we look at
how these thoughts negatively influence our behaviors and ideas and how we can change them by look-
ing at what’s going on inside of us instead of focusing externally.
Client example(s):
A client comes to the call quite upset. She is about to get married and spends a great deal of time with her fiancé’s
family. Although, individually, they are very loving and supportive, when they are all together, they treat her like an
outsider. It’s only when she is alone with any one of them, that they genuinely seem to embrace and respect her.
Another client talked about feeling rejected and attacked while participating in a group where he shared his opinion. He
did not agree with anyone else and his contribution and opinion was not accepted or acknowledged by the group.
Essentially, they are saying “Why can’t they just accept me as I am and treat me with respect all the time?” OR
generically: “Why can’t things be different from what they are?”
That is the cause of our suffering – wanting things to be different than how they are. So how can we let go
of what is causing the suffering?
The following are NOT rhetorical but profound questions, so we need to actually pause and ask ourselves….
* What would it be like if I didn’t have that thought?
* How would I show up (what attitude or disposition) if I didn’t think that way?
* What would it feel like if I didn’t believe that to be true?
After asking the clients these questions, answers reflected things like:
I would feel much freer.
I would show up more fully.
I would love to spend time with them.
I would feel as though I’m accepted.
The natural follow up question – So, what if you showed up (entered the situation) feeling as though you were
accepted? While others might not do anything differently, you would feel okay because their actions wouldn’t
dictate how you feel about being in their presence. It’s only your thoughts that keep you from enjoying and ac-
knowledging the experience as it is – that is - the reality of the situation.
While it may seem like ‘words’ that are easy to say – think of how much time and ‘suffering’ goes into wishing and
hoping that it would be different from how it is. The only thing stopping these clients from showing up more
fully is an idea that may or may not be true.
Think of someone or something you would like to be different.
• What if you believed that you would never get the attention or approval or praise you have been seeking?
• What if you knew that a person or situation would never be different from how it is?
• How would that affect your presence? Your thinking?
• What if you just simply accepted – or even embraced - the reality of the situation as it is?
• What would your attitude be like? How much energy would be freed up?
• What would it be like to not have that yearning?
(For more information about Byron Katie and “The Work” - http://www.thework.com
33
Don’t Make Me Wrong 10/2006
Every human being makes judgments. We do it all day long whether we want to or not. We know it’s not a
‘good thing’ and yet, we can’t help having ideas and opinions about things that we see, hear, or experience.
While many people have a need to be ‘right,’ and/or can’t handle being perceived as ‘wrong,’ this lesson
is actually about how we impose our ideas and judgments on other people without realizing that
we are doing it. Typically, we are not aware as to how it comes across.
Recently I was in a conversation about the weather and home heating bills. I mentioned that I had al-
ready used my electric blanket. As soon as I said that, I heard “You have got to be kidding! It’s not that
cold! I can’t believe that you actually used it already.” The way that response came across to me, it
sounded like: “You are crazy. There must be something wrong with you that you already needed your
electric blanket.”
The natural response is to defend our actions, but when we think about it, someone expressing their
unsolicited opinion doesn’t really warrant any comment and should not hold us back from mov-
ing on as if nothing was said.
I noticed how easily I perceived that as a judgment. No matter how it was intended, it sounded to me as though
there was an opinion. Yet, it’s ironic that when the shoe is on the other foot, it doesn’t seem as obvious.
One of my friends rarely returns phone calls in what I consider a ‘timely’ fashion. So in a discussion, I
said “I always return calls within 24 hours maximum and I would appreciate if you would do the same.
Why is it that when I call and leave a message you don’t respond for several days?”
Actually, when I thought it through I was saying: “Why can’t you be more like me? Why can’t you do it
my way? (implying the ‘right’ way).
The response:
Everyone has a different style; a different way of doing things; a different timeframe. It doesn’t
make the person ‘wrong’ – and we don’t necessarily have to like it. However, it definitely does not make
our way ‘right’ or better. It may be right for us but that doesn’t make it right for someone else.
It was in this answer that I ‘got’ the lesson. It’s one that I haven’t totally embraced just yet, but I’m working on it…..
One of my clients announced that he was applying to graduate school for a specific social work pro-
gram. In my opinion, it wasn’t the program that I would have chosen and I thought he had better op-
tions. The application was already submitted and he was excited and hoping to get into the program. I
realized that I had to let go of my unsolicited opinion because it was moot at that point. Even though I
thought his choice was ‘wrong,’ that’s irrelevant. My judgment and/or opinion is just that. It doesn’t
make someone else wrong and it doesn’t make me right.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
Notice when you have an opinion or judgment.
Do you think that the other person is wrong?
Do you think that you are right?
What about when someone tells you that your way of doing something is not the best way. Does that
make you wrong?
We need to be open to the fact that people do things in a way that they believe to be best for them-
selves. Yes, we need to be open to improving and changing, but opinions and judgments really don’t
help. What can help are suggestions or ideas that are offered as an invitation with total neutral-
ity. And more importantly, with NO attachment to the outcome. That way, it comes from an impartial
place and we can consider the idea(s) and see if it fits for us.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your
experiences.
34
Triangles 11/2006
When I was in High School, one of my favorite but mostly unknown songs was Triangle and the only
line that I remember now is: “Which one will have the broken heart?”
In many situations where a triangle exists, someone inevitably loses or gets left out.
Even though we may know this intellectually, we tend to triangulate (create a triangular relationship)
without recognizing the consequences. Often we want to place blame or interfere in a situation
where it is inappropriate to do so.
Many years ago, I had a coaching client who took a workshop from another coach. That coach, based
on the little bit of information she received from my client, recommended that my client look for a new
job. (At least that was my client’s interpretation.) This, in my opinion, was not appropriate at that mo-
ment in time based on all of the information that I knew.
My first reaction was to contact this coach and let her know how irresponsible and inappropriate her ad-
vice had been. Aside from feeling better after venting, in the end, not much would have been ac-
complished. I realized how irrelevant and unhelpful that would be. It would not have helped my client
in any way. It was much more important for me to discuss with my client how she wanted to proceed.
There was no need or purpose to create a triangle.
I heard on the news that a woman learned that her boyfriend had impregnated another woman. She
sought out the pregnant woman and shot her. With whom should she have been angry? Clearly, if she
had to be angry with someone, it should have been her boyfriend. She is still in relationship with him
and needs to resolve her feelings and her anger. By shooting the pregnant woman, she didn’t impact
her current relationship with her boyfriend in terms of getting what she really wants – his love, at-
tention, etc.
My friend sold her house and had many unpleasant conversations with the new buyers. She was angry
with her attorney for not handling things more efficiently and yet blamed the buyers for all of the bad
feelings she experienced. Her attorney did not do a good job of representing and protecting her and that
is where the conversation needed to occur.
So often, we triangulate relationships unnecessarily. It does not help our situation at all. If we go directly
to the person with whom we can have the most impact or get what we want, then it makes sense to
avoid dragging a third person into the picture.
Think of a situation where you got upset or angry with someone.
- Was that the person who triggered the anger?
- Were you blaming someone who couldn’t have any impact on your feelings or affect your results?
When a situation arises where you are feeling angry or hurt, notice who you want to blame. Is it the
person who triggered the problem or is it a third person?
Example: We call customer service and get irate because the product does not work. The customer
service rep is NOT the person to be angry with – it is the person who can help us get to the right person
or adjust the situation, but he/she is not the reason there is a problem.
The next time you are angry or annoyed, take a moment to figure out if your feelings and thoughts are
directed at the responsible party. Then, rather than involving a third person, resolve those feelings
in a conversation with the responsible party.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experi-
ences.
35
Compassion 12/2006
Although I usually write about a theme based on my or my client’s experiences, this month I’m sharing
a story about compassion as a gift to you. The story that you are about to read following my words is
one of my favorites and always serves as a great reminder – especially at this time of year.
By definition, compassion is about forgiveness, tenderness, heart, and kindness. It is a sympa-

thetic consciousness of other peoples’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.
So often, it is too easy to take so much for granted.
If we look around –not just at the people who live in our neighborhood – but at the world as a whole,
we are exposed to millions of people who are less fortunate in some way than we are. It does
not have to mean materialistically or the obvious example of the homeless. Misfortune can be due to
illness, trauma, living in constant fear, imprisonment, prejudice, sorrow, remorse, etc.
When we notice or think about those who are less fortunate, the tendency is to think in terms
of ‘them’ not me. Sometimes we get to “Poor Sally, she must be sad having just lost her sister.” Or “I
just heard that Bob has cancer and isn’t doing well.” Then in an instant, we are back to our everyday
thoughts and stresses and get caught up in what is happening in our own busy lives.
Imagine what it would be like to actually DO SOMETHING or SAY SOMETHING to let people know
that we empathize; we understand they are going through a difficult time. Perhaps it is just about being
aware that someone has an illness and may be struggling at times. When someone else is suffering
in some way, we can demonstrate compassion. The question we may want to ask ourselves “What
can I (sincerely, genuinely) do to help or be of service to this person?” This isn’t about reaching
out because it’s a ‘good’ thing to do. It is about really getting into another person’s shoes. It can be as
simple as a kind word or just truly listening.
Recently, I heard a client say “I had no idea how difficult it is to be in a wheelchair until I broke my leg
and ankle and had to get around in one.” Another client said “I could never imagine living alone until
now when I am in that exact situation.” Oftentimes, it takes an experience to wake us up and to
realize what hardship feels like.
Hopefully, we can begin to exhibit compassion BEFORE we need to experience what someone else is
going through. By taking a few moments to ‘get into someone else’s shoes’ and while we can’t
really know how anyone else feels about something, at least we can come a lot closer than when
we simply observe and imagine.
Here’s the story that immediately spoke to me ….
The Chess Game Zen
A young man who had a bitter disappointment in life went to a remote monastery and said
to the abbot: “I am disillusioned with life and wish to be enlightened and freed from these
sufferings. But I have no capacity for sticking with anything for a long time. I could never do
long years of meditation and study. I always relapse and get drawn away by distractions,
no matter how painful that may be. Is there any easy way for people like me?
The abbot replies “Yes, if you are really determined.” Tell me, what have you studied, what
have you concentrated on most in your life? “Why, nothing really,” he replies. “We were
rich, and I didn’t have to work. I suppose the only thing I was really interested in was chess.
I spent most of my time at that.”
The abbot then summoned for a monk and a chessboard. The game was set up for them
36
to play against each other. He then sent for a sword and showed it to both of them. Both
of you will play a game of chess and whoever loses, shall have his head cut off with this
sword. Since chess is the only thing this young man has ever tried hard at, if he loses, he
deserves to lose his head.”
They began to play. With the opening moves, the youth felt nervous as he played for his
life. The chessboard became the whole world; he was entirely concentrated on it. At first,
he wasn’t doing so well in the game, but then his opponent made an inferior move and
he seized his chance to launch a strong attack. He looked covertly at his opponent as his
chances of winning looked slimmer. He saw a face of intelligence and sincerity, worn with
years of austerity and effort. He though of his own worthless life, and a wave of compassion
came over him. He deliberately made a blunder and then another, ruining his position and
leaving himself defenseless.
The abbot suddenly leaned forward and stopped the game. He said, “There is no winner
and no loser. There is no head to fall here. Only two things are required as he turned to
the young man, complete concentration and compassion. You have learned both of these
today. You were completely concentrating on the game, but then in that concentration you
could feel compassion and sacrificed your life for it. Now you may remain here and pursue
our training.”
Simply look around. Really look at the people in the street, the people in the news, the movie stars, etc.
On the outside, their lives may appear easy or smooth. In an instant, anyone’s life can be transformed –
by a phone call, a diagnosis, an accident, etc. More often than not, people are suffering silently because
life around them moves on.
Listen to people and instead of judging and guessing how their life is, imagine being in their
shoes. The glamour that you thought was there quickly disappears. In some cases, the hardships are
showing on their faces. Imagine what it must be like to live in their world, in their situation. Have com-
passion. No matter how complicated or difficult your life may seem, there are always people who would
be grateful if someone would take a moment to understand things from their perspective. By doing that,
compassion comes naturally.
37
Just Listen 1/2007
One of the greatest gifts we can give to someone doesn’t require wrapping. We don’t have to go anywhere to get
it. It is always guaranteed to be available.
Listening….
As human beings, one of the things that all of us need and crave is to be heard.
Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-
judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand. Sue Patton Thoele
Unfortunately in our busy lives, rather than take advantage of this gift we can give at any time, the tendency is to
take short cuts, multi-task, or get caught up in our own lives and minds.
Listening in a literal sense is very different from hearing. It is not about hearing the spoken words. It is about
giving your undivided attention and focus entirely to another person. It is about listening with the mind AND
heart. It is clean, objective and ego free.
-- When listening to a friend, where does your mind go?
-- Does your mind wander off as you fill in the story or jump to conclusions?
-- And when it comes time to speak, do you often share an opinion or story about yourself?
While someone is speaking, ideas and thoughts (whether relevant or not) are triggered and distract us from lis-
tening. When our minds wander while listening, or we try to do something at the same time, or we notice some-
thing with our eyes, we are distracted. In that moment, we may be hearing but we are not truly listening.
If a friend shares a story about her mother not feeling well again, typically, we would say something like “Sorry to
hear that.” When truly listening, we might respond by saying “Are you concerned about her health?”
When someone shares that he is so busy at work, he can barely catch up. A response we often hear is “I know
what you mean, I’m so busy and feel the same way.” A ‘listening’ response might be “It never feels good when
work is so overwhelming.”
Listening defined: unconditional presence; to be receptive without judgment or expectation; to put aside our own
needs and concerns. Listening integrates an attitude of curiosity; a desire to understand; to experience
life from the other perspective.
One of my clients was complaining because she was so overwhelmed at work. Not sure how to prioritize be-
cause there was so much pressure from her boss and her boss’s superior to finish reports and a project on a
similar deadline.
When she approached her boss and expressed anxiety and needing some help prioritizing, her boss simply said
“That report is due at 8am Monday morning. So, whatever it takes, have it on my desk.”
Needless to say, my client felt discouraged and more overwhelmed. Imagine if instead her boss had said, “I can
understand your feeling overwhelmed. It’s difficult when both Bob and I expect something at the same time.
However, I really do need the report by Monday at 8am.
While it wouldn’t have changed the result, it would have changed my client’s attitude. She would have at least
felt understood and heard. That alone goes a LONG way!
A while ago, I discovered that someone had stolen (copied exactly) two of my website pages word for word. I
was very upset and shared that with an e-mail group. One of the responses basically implied “Get over it. People
steal things every day and your words are not unique.”
It totally missed the point. There was no listening. I had expressed that I felt violated and disappointed. There
was no acknowledgment of where I was coming from. A response representing listening might have been, “I can
only imagine how disconcerting this experience must be.” ANYTHING that first lets a person know that they
have been understood allows space for differing opinions and thoughts.
Notice in your conversations whether you are hearing someone vs. listening. It may mean stopping what you are
doing to offer your undivided attention. It may mean letting your thoughts or ideas go.
Also, take note when you are in conversations what it feels like when you feel understood and listened to… how
it feels when someone ‘gets’ what you are saying.
38
Strategies 2/2007
One of the most interesting things about strategies is that they are so pervasive, we hardly realize that
we may be living our lives based on one or more.
Think about women (typically) who are so busy taking care of others that they seemingly do not have
time to take care of themselves and their needs. This is often a strategy to avoid self-care.
How many times have you participated in a group and noticed the dynamics emerge. One person usu-
ally speaks first and one person usually waits to be last (others in the middle). This is a strategy. Usu-
ally, we don’t consciously create them. They stem from some underlying thinking process or
idea. Possible reasons for creating the strategy:
-- If I speak first, I will have it out of the way.
-- If I speak first, I won’t be called on when I don’t know the answer.
-- If I wait until the end, I can hear what other people say before I have to share.
-- Hopefully, I will not have to share if I wait long enough, etc.
Many years ago I worked with a client who lived with major clutter – particularly in his office and on his
desk. Rather than addressing how to deal with the mess, we looked into the reason that the mess was
there in the first place. It turned out it was his way of avoiding success! He invented a strategy that could
‘justify’ his failure. These things don’t necessarily happen on a conscious level. Clearly, they are
illogical and make no sense.
Yet, our deep down reasoning and beliefs help to create strategies so that we can cope and ‘get
by’ without having to confront our deepest thoughts, beliefs, and ideas. Once we realize that we
have created a strategy and are willing to face what is really going on, the forward moving progress can
be phenomenal.
A typical strategy people employ is to wait until…
I take more courses; I have a degree; I have more time; I have more money, etc. These are just strate-
gies to avoid something we fear – and they are deep rooted in beliefs such as: “I am not capable;
or perhaps, I really don’t want to do this.” Instead of being honest with ourselves, we create a strat-
egy to justify our behavior.
The most common strategy is will power. If I just stop eating carbs (or go on a diet), I will lose weight.
How long does that last? Because it is a strategy and doesn’t address the underlying problem, such
as, a different self-image, it is only temporary. The underlying reasons for eating have not been faced.
Oftentimes, we are compensating for something we don’t have but really want, such as love.
A while ago, I worked with a client who wanted to be thought of as a ‘nice guy.’ He allowed his mother-
in-law (whom he disliked) to live with him and his family. In this case, his strategy of being a nice guy
was actually a way for him to feel better about himself and it cost him a lot of misery. He appeared to
be the ‘hero’ while resenting everyone around him and not being true to himself.
Strategies are not necessarily harmful. For example, meditation, focus, and confronting fears are
some strategies that can help us move through life. It is the intention behind them. If your intention is
to grow, evolve, move past your fears, and become more secure, the strategies will serve you. If they
are created to avoid, escape, compensate, or distract, they will only reinforce what you already
have/ or contribute further to your not having.
Think about the way you live your life. Is there something that you do that is preventing you from getting
what you really want? Are you going to work, coming home and sitting in front of the TV? Perhaps you
are avoiding conversation and connection with family? Is some aspect of your life not the way you want
it? Perhaps you have created a strategy to avoid something; perhaps to escape; possibly you compen-
sate by overdoing something and not enough of something else?
Most likely, this will take some quiet, in-depth thinking. We don’t usually realize that we may have cre-
ated a strategy instead of facing the truth.
experiences.
39
Attitude of Gratitude 3/2007
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that
is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weep-
ing for that which has been your delight. Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
Although at first I heard some grumbling at a gathering of friends and family, I suggested that each of us go
around the table and say something for which we are grateful and thankful.
It is not uncommon to hear people say things like: “I’m grateful for this meal or I’m grateful for my friends (or fam-
ily).” It wasn’t until I heard “I’m grateful to wake up each morning and to be able to walk” that I realized just how
much we tend to take for granted. When was the last time you acknowledged how happy you were that you could
walk, or see, or that you felt well enough to work – no matter what had to be accomplished.
What happens when you have a cold and have trouble breathing? Suddenly breathing isn’t taken for granted.
Notice how we tend to take for granted getting up each day, brushing our teeth and taking a shower. BUT when
the ordinary becomes difficult, it’s amazing how quickly the perspective can change.
When we put things into perspective, and develop an attitude of gratitude, we have the ability to appreci-
ate and distinguish between what is REALLY important vs. what seems to be important.
Too often we focus on things that are not going well. We tend to get caught up in the overload of everyday
life. . . Too much on the plate, too much to accomplish, too many distractions.
While we might consider making a list of what we are grateful for, it would also behoove us to look at why bother
focusing on gratitude in the first place.
Sometimes, simply flipping around a thought or idea has a powerful impact of shifting a mood. If I’m
focused on my busy day, how many e-mails need a response, how many calls to make/ receive – it’s overwhelm-
ing. If instead the focus shifts: It is great to have e-mail to stay in touch. Thank you Alexander Graham Bell for
inventing the telephone so that we can connect quickly to friends and family. Immediately, the overwhelm dis-
sipates and turns that feeling of anxiety into one of possibility and calm.
A client was laid off from her job. Her initial reaction was fear and disappointment. Why me? How will I survive?
Once she acknowledged that she had been unhappy in the job, she realized that she would not have taken the
initiative to leave. She then saw this as a blessing, an opportunity and the impetus to make a change. Soon after
she found a wonderful job.
One client who was looking for an apartment finally found one that met all of his criteria. He was told that he could
have it but had to move in within two weeks. That wasn’t a possibility. Despite his tremendous disappointment,
he was thankful when he realized that something suitable existed, that he could afford something he liked, and
that moving was a wish not a necessity. A short time later he found an even better one.
When ‘bad’ things happen, our typical first reaction is ‘why me?’ or a version thereof. We get focused on
the implications of not having, not doing, etc. What if instead, for example, we focused on “This means I need
more rest, it’s time for me to move on, or without this experience, I wouldn’t be as aware of what brings me plea-
sure/ pain.”
Challenges are often blessings in disguise. We just need to stop and wonder what we can be grateful for
instead of perpetuating feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. When we are grateful, it changes our per-
spective – of our day, of our situation, and of our life.
Think of something that recently happened that you wish had not or when you wanted a different outcome. How
could you turn that around to what is the ‘good’ in the situation. It seems simplistic and when in despair or disap-
pointment, the last thing we want to do is look at the bright side. This goes beyond that. This is about noticing
or anticipating in that disappointment how a difficult situation may be an opportunity.
Changing the attitude from one of disappointment to one of gratitude can open us to possibility and to-
tally shift the meaning behind the experience.
40
Red Flags 4/2007
Despite the warnings, “I’ll keep on dancing. This ship was built to last and will never sink.” These are made up
words from someone on the Titanic who refused to believe that the ship would go down.
Unfortunately, far too often, we have warning signs or signals and we choose to ignore them, or at best
acknowledge them and still proceed as planned.
After receiving a recommendation, I hired someone to rewrite the code for my website. We spoke at great length
and agreed on a price. He said he would throw in several bonus items, and since it was a small job, it would not
take long.
Simultaneously, I contacted my web hosting company about the same work. Their estimate was lower but they
didn’t seem as professional, so I hired the recommended person. When it wasn’t completed within two weeks , I
sent e-mails and called. He assured me that it was a small job and would be completed long before my deadline.
Each week that passed, I contacted him, and each time he assured me not to worry and that I should be patient.
Eventually he explained that he had been ill for 3 weeks and could not do any business but my job was at the
top of the list.
With the deadline approaching, I FINALLY contacted the web hosting company and hired them. The job was com-
pleted in two days and the final price was much lower than their estimate (and much lower than the other company).
Upon reading this, you would think that I would have paid more attention to my ‘inner knowing’ that the job might
not happen. Yet, I continued to believe him. It took far too long for me to heed the red flags despite the fact that
I would have told a friend to look elsewhere!
What allows us to ignore signals?
Is it unrealistic optimism?
Is it faith?
Is it the golden rule? (I would have been true to my word, so he will too.)
Is it laziness? (Not wanting to start over)
Is it about not trusting our intuition?
Recently, I wore a pin that was really special to me. Just before leaving the house, I looked in the mirror, and in
my mind said, “If I ever lose this, I would be upset.”
You would think that I would have checked it for security at that point…. No!
Several hours later when talking with my friend, just before parting, I thought I heard something drop. I looked
down and didn’t see anything so we continued our conversation. Eventually, I got into my car, and when I arrived
at my destination noticed that the pin was missing.
When going back to the location, I found the backing for the pin (what I must have heard drop) but never found
the actual pin.
What does it take to pay attention to red flags?
They are constantly present – telling us something, revealing something, pointing something out. Yet,
too often, we are rushing, relying on our intentions or impulses, or simply not truly present. That is when we
choose (sometimes subconsciously) to ignore the signals. It’s always costing us – perhaps time, money, or sen-
timentality. Nevertheless, there is always a price to pay for not heeding obvious clues and cues.
However, dwelling on how we missed the obvious clues would only perpetuate negativity. It behooves us to
move on and stay in the present. Yet, if we didn’t have regrets or anguish, we would probably continue the same
behavior. So the next time there are clues, we will more likely pay attention.
What will it take for you to notice the red flags AND do something about them?
When a red flag (or warning) shows up, we can make a conscious decision in that moment. When the ‘little
voice’ or ‘inner knowing’ lets us know – STOP – Make a choice right then:
--Do I stop the conversation and really look on the ground or do I continue the conversation and let it go?
--At some point, based on the evidence, I question my continuous trust that the job will be done and make a
decision.
experiences.
41 No Regrets 5/2007
Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is
inconsolable. Sidney J. Harris
When I tell clients that there is no past and no future, they think I have lost my mind. What this really means is
that the past happened. It is over and now the ONLY way it can exist is in our minds. The future hasn’t happened
yet; that too can only exist in our minds and imagination.
The majority of people either live predominantly in the past (I wish that I had….) or in the future (What if….?).
In actuality, the only time frame that is real is the present…. that which is happening right now – in the
moment.
When it comes to regrets, they are strictly based on the past. The things that we:
-- could have done but didn’t
-- the so-called ‘missed opportunities’
-- the so-called ‘wrong choices’
Dwelling on regrets that have passed doesn’t change anything. In fact, it often makes us feel worse for not having
done what we now believe would have been a better choice.
What makes the present moment so important and so valuable? It is truly all we have. One thing I have wished
for is to live with no regrets. While it may not ever be 100% true for anyone, it does mean making the most of
the time we have on the earth. This may sound corny, but I’ve lost close friends in the last few years.
Two of my friends died of cancer and therefore allowed us the time to say and do while we had the chance. The
other friend, however, was killed in an accident. The first thing that came to mind after the initial questions were
answered was about having done everything or said everything while the opportunity was still there. Fortunately,
all of our conversations were supportive, nurturing and encouraging. We consistently let each other know how
important we were to each other. Being proactive and taking advantage of all that we want to share and
convey when it is possible is a great way to avoid regrets down the road.
Recently, a client was lamenting about having stayed in his job far too long. He knew that he wasn’t fulfilled and
‘should’ move on but kept hanging in anyway. Finally, he left and found a fabulous, challenging, and fulfilling job.
After he stopped ‘beating himself up’ about waiting too long, he realized that by letting go of his regret, he felt free
to thoroughly enjoy his current job. Carrying any guilt about the timing of his decision was draining and unproductive.
When we let go of our past – especially regrets – it allows us to live freely in the present moment and
enjoy or fully deal with what is happening now without being bogged down by guilt, blame, shame, etc.
Sometimes when we are wavering and need to make a decision, it helps to place ourselves in the present as if
the decision has already been made. Then we can observe the feelings and thoughts that we may incur. Will I
have regrets? Will I be okay with this choice?
We have all heard the sentiment that when someone dies it will not be said “I should have spent more time in the
office.” Or “I’m so glad I didn’t eat that dessert.”
More likely, it would be around:
-- not saying something
-- sharing enough quality time with loved ones
-- letting someone know how much you care
-- fully enjoying an experience because of guilt, worry, or other past/future thoughts.
What are the things that you can do to avoid regrets now, today, this week? this month?
What is on your mind that typically gets pushed aside?
Are there people you would like to contact?
Is there something you would like to say to someone?
Are you often living in the past, looking back – in your mind?
Are you usually predicting and imagining and living in the future – in your mind?
What would it be like to become present more often?
What have you regretted in your past? AND
Are there regrets that you can let go of and allow yourself to enjoy and/or experience fully what is going on right now?
Perhaps you can think of ways to be proactive and avoid future regrets.
experiences.
42 Assumptions 6/2007
Assumptions are the termites of relationships. Henry Winkler
When someone says “My husband just passed away.” A typical response might be “I’m so sorry to hear that. It
must be difficult for you.” When, in fact, the reply is “No. I’m so relieved. I’m not sure I could have made it through
another day with him.”
There are many times when our responses don’t match a statement and we are unaware or caught off guard.
Usually, we ‘assume’ what someone means or feels based on:
-- how we might feel in that situation OR
-- how we interpret something.
“I just got fired from my job.” – Our reply and thoughts go right to “What a shame. So sorry to hear that.” Or we
try to be comforting “You’ll find another one soon.”
Never assume the obvious is true. William Safire
In actuality, the person may be thrilled. “Now I can finally devote myself to the new business I started without any excuses.”
What creates our thinking or responses? We imagine what it would be like for ourselves. We interpret words
and statements through our own filters and how we understand their meaning.
All this to imply that we don’t ever really know what someone is thinking or feeling. We don’t ever know what
goes on in someone else’s mind.
I had a client who felt inadequate after attending a college reunion. She felt as though everyone else had done
more with their life. In fact, she had done a lot but ‘assumed’ that their stated accomplishments surpassed what
she had done. She blindly accepted what they were saying and jumped to conclusions based upon how
she felt about herself.
Sometimes we learn the hard way and other times we need to be aware of our judgments or ideas about what
something means.
Example: After someone tells you they just lost their job, it’s a good idea to check out how HE or SHE is feel-
ing about the situation. “So what does that mean for you?” Only then, can you formulate an appropriate reply.
One client talked about the lack of a quick follow up after a date. She ‘assumed’ that it meant he wasn’t really inter-
ested. In fact, she found out it was quite the opposite. He was responding to her wishes of not having too much con-
tact in the beginning of a relationship. She could have spared her bad feelings had she not made an assumption.
When we are left with negative feelings, it’s useful to question whether we are assuming something or have concrete proof.
Often, we assume something is wrong when that’s not the case. Usually, we don’t ask questions – we just
assume something is a particular way until we find out otherwise. It’s often quite subtle. How often do we
guess or think something to be true when we don’t have any evidence?
The main reason communication breaks down is our misinterpretation of statements and situations.
Because we are so ‘rushed’ and bogged down, it is unfortunate that we fail to inquire. Instead, we make assump-
tions based upon our own interpretations.
When someone says “I love my job” or “I hate my job” we tend to simply say good for you or that’s too bad. Imag-
ine if we took the moment to ask “So what is it about your job that you love/ hate so much?” We might actually
better understand that person and create more of a connection.
In a recent conversation with a colleague, I lamented about coming up with material for these newsletters that
brings a new perspective or adds value. I continually ‘assume’ that the topic is something ‘everyone already
knows.’ Yet, based on follow up comments, often that is not the truth. It is simply an ‘assumption or belief’ going
on only in my mind that creates unnecessary stress.
The problem with assumptions is that they set us up for miscommunication, disappointment, or unrealistic
thinking.
What would it be like to actually inquire about someone else’s definition of a word or thought that you usually take
for granted? i.e. So what exactly made that challenging for you?
Perhaps even now you are thinking that something is true despite not having proof. How might those assump-
tions get in the way of your
--feelings?
--progress?
--understanding the reality of a situation?
--truth?
43
Woe is Me! 7/2007
If we choose powerlessness, it is often because we doubt there is any other option. The Power Principle:
Influence with Honor by Blaine Lee
It’s so easy to blame your mother, the weather, the alarm clock – whatever.
A client was upset because she decided to purchase a van so that she could transport more people who didn’t
have their own transportation. She offered to pick people up and take them to their meeting each week. She
complained that people were not appreciative and were taking advantage of her.
Too often, we do things expecting something in return – gratitude, recognition, payment, etc. When that
doesn’t happen, we feel like a victim of circumstance. Why am I going out of my way to help people and they
won’t even say thank you?
The problem with the ‘victim’ mentality is that it is seen as though there are no choices. A person doesn’t
accept any responsibility for the outcome.
How many times have you heard someone complain about their job, their boss, their spouse, or their environ-
ment? And, how many times have you thought “Why don’t you change it?” We have a tendency to believe that
if something does not meet our expectations or isn’t the way we want it to be, it has to remain that way.
It’s as if we have to accept it and the only thing we can do is continue to complain.
Recently, a client was lamenting about the terrible nutritional choices of food offered at the workplace cafeteria.
“Why can’t they serve healthier food?” “Don’t they realize this is bad nutrition, etc.” And what about some options:
-- Bring your own lunch?
-- Speak to someone in charge of the food choices?
-- Go out for lunch?
So often we DO have options and choices, but we get so locked into ‘this is how it is’ that we are blinded
to possibilities.
I listened to a client go on and on about his employee who was not working up to par, not meeting deadlines, etc.
He was reaching the ‘end of his rope’ when I asked if he had discussed this with his employee. He said “Yes, many
times, but things do not change.” The next question…. What is something YOU can do to make it different? (i.e. rec-
ommend a development course, put him on notice, fire him) Instead of complaining and feeling as though it has to
be this way, there usually are options. We get so trapped into believing that we are stuck with a situation.
A client was upset because her husband consistently came home late from work. It seems as though he com-
plained about the amount of work and how he could not leave sooner and get things accomplished. She discov-
ered that her husband spent time during the workday with personal calls and e-mails. He saw himself as a ‘victim’
of office overload when in fact, he chose to contribute to the problem without taking any responsibility. We tend
not to take any responsibility as if what is happening is completely out of our control.
Unfortunately, there are circumstances where we truly are a victim – held hostage, held at gunpoint, threatened,
etc. That is not what is discussed here.
The victim role conjures up sympathy in some cases and attention in others. It also takes us off the hook
from accepting responsibility.
The ‘victim mentality’ is very common in an unfulfilling relationship. It manifests in ways where there is constant
complaining about the other person. Why does she always make me late? Why am I stuck cleaning his mess?
We do that believing that we have to accept things as they are – as if we have no alternatives.
We could go in separate cars. We could allow enough time instead of constantly blaming the traffic. In every
instance, we have choices. We may not like the alternatives, but they exist. Therefore, when we choose
to wait and arrive late, we too are responsible.
What or who are you consistently blaming? Not enough time? Not enough money? Someone is not doing some-
thing in a particular way?
What is your part? What are your choices? If you find the choices or options unpalatable and choose to stay in
the situation, you are not a victim, but rather you have made a choice!
f you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your
experiences.
44
Shoulds 9/2007
Many of us are not usually aware of how often we use the word “should” and the implications of its use. Too often
we hear ourselves say things like: “I should have eaten less.” “I should go to bed earlier.” I should not have said
what I did.” Or sometimes even worse: You should call her now.”
Yet, it’s semantics, so what’s the problem?
When we use the word should, it is not coming from our true self. Instead, it comes from another source –
such as society, our ego, our history.
--I should thank a person after getting a gift.
--I should wear sneakers when I run.
--I should stay overtime and finish my work.
--You should have gotten a better grade.
There are times when the shoulds are more intrinsic. They dictate choices and behaviors despite our not really
wanting to follow them or even being aware of their existence.
A married client was struggling with changing her job. She really was okay with things as they were. However, her
husband felt that she wasn’t living up to her potential and should contribute more to the family finances. Although
it appeared as though she had an internal struggle, the should was coming indirectly from her husband.
Once she became aware of how much her husband’s wishes were affecting her conflict, she could make a clear
decision. She chose to honor her values and her happiness and stay with her current position.
When we hear the word should, it’s a good idea to question what is behind it. Where is it coming from?
In fact, in many conflicts or dilemmas, we feel stress from a spoken or unspoken should and in some
way obliged. The unspoken should is harder to discover. Yet, just being in conflict might bring up questioning
the motive for each alternative option.
Frequently, we hear the unspoken should with a child deciding if (s)he wants to go to college right after high
school. The should comes from the parent(s), adult, or society. The child may not feel ready and want to take a
break from school to honor their true selves and trust their instinct. However, they feel conflicted because their
true desire is not the same as their parents.
When flying back from California, I heard myself saying “I should finish reading my Newsweek before I get
home.” Then I questioned myself – Do I want to finish reading Newsweek? Only then could I make a deliberate
choice based on my truth.
Imagine substituting the word CHOOSE for should.
-- I choose to write a thank you note.
-- I choose not to dress appropriately for the weather.
It becomes your choice not influenced by anyone or anything on the outside.
Should implies guilt or blame especially when used as should have. When something is already completed
or in the past, we can’t go back and change it. It might be beneficial to think along the lines of “If a similar situa-
tion arises again, perhaps I could consider doing it differently.”
Technically, although the alternatives may not be palatable, there is always a choice or desire vs. an
imposed command. “I should put a coat on because it’s cold.” There is no should as we have a choice: Do I
choose to be cold? When driving, I shouldn’t speed. Again, there’s a choice. I could choose to speed and risk
causing an accident and getting a ticket. I could choose not to speed and reduce the potential risks. That is a
choice. Should insinuates that we do not have a choice.
Having and making a conscious choice empowers us to be true to ourselves and our values.
Pay attention and listen to how many times you hear the word should. Figure out where the choice lies. Also,
listen for the times when you tell someone else what they ‘should’ do/ not do. Perhaps that can be rephrased so
it is not an implied command but rather offered as an option. It might sound like: “I invite you to consider XYZ.
This applies to our own should as well.
experiences.
45
In Your Shoes 10/2007
While we can literally slip on someone else’s shoes, we cannot literally get into someone else’s mind.
Accordingly, when someone does or says something that we don’t agree with or have not experienced, our ten-
dency is to shrug it off, lose patience, or not even attempt to try and understand another viewpoint or angle.
Recently a friend and I planned to go swimming. It quickly became apparent that she is deathly afraid of water.
My typical response might be to think or say something like: “Get over it; it’s only water and we can stay where
it’s shallow.” However, when I took the time to inquire into her fear, I discovered that she truly believes that she
will drown.
While it may sound oversimplified and dramatic, it is real for her. After discussing it, I developed an incredible
amount of patience and empathy. (Empathy – the ability to identify with and understand another person’s feel-
ings or difficulties.) Ultimately, with my holding her and her holding onto the edge, she was able to get wet in the
shallow end of the pool and actually relax. It took quite a few tries to reach this point, but the joy she felt made
it worthwhile.
Too often, we get wrapped up in our own experiences, beliefs, and ideas and we believe that other people must
have the same ones. When they don’t, we tend to get dismissive or intolerant rather than curious and interested.
Another friend and I talked about relationships specifically focusing on break ups.
We discussed a situation where someone has had a devastating history of bad break ups and therefore never
again wants to enter into a relationship. Again, this may appear extreme, but nevertheless true for that person.
My friend felt that everyone experiences break ups, and while it’s difficult initially, we survive and move on. It
became evident from our conversation that our natural tendency is to dismiss other people’s feelings and ideas
when we can’t identify with them. Our tendency is to attribute our own feelings onto the other person.
Eventually, we came to the conclusion that for some people a negative experience might be traumatic, for an-
other shrugged off as no big deal, and everything in between.
A client told me about her intolerance and lack of patience for some of the patients she cares for at work. How-
ever, when she herself became a patient, she had major revelations. She realized how many of the complaints
and challenges experienced by her patients were the same ones she herself was experiencing. It created a
tremendous amount of empathy and a new sense of tolerance.
What is the point of even bothering to get into someone else’s shoes?
When we choose to stay with our own beliefs and ideas of how something ‘should’ be, our world becomes insular
(physically or emotionally removed from others – inward looking).
When we truly stand in someone else’s shoes and imagine where they are coming from in their ideas and think-
ing, only then can we minimize any judgments and realize that people don’t necessarily experience things
the same way that we do.
Overall, it creates less of a separatist attitude or at best, a deeper connection. There is a rippling out into the
world, as well as helping another person to feel understood. Diplomacy is all about recognizing the other point of
view. From that perspective, imagine how the world would be if nations would step into other nation’s shoes. It
would help to reduce the conflict and steadfast positions taken and make it easier to reach a compromise.
When you are communicating with someone and you notice that you have an idea or judgment around what they
are saying or how they are doing something), you may want to consider getting into their shoes (depending upon
the relationship). That is, trying to understand their perspective and their point of view.
By the same token, when someone says to you something like “Get over it,” you may realize that they really don’t
grasp your point of view. Depending upon the relationship, you can let it go or perhaps explain why it’s
important to you that the person does understand.
46
The Rules 11/2007
Every person has free choice. Free to obey or disobey the Natural Laws. Your choice determines the con-
sequences. Nobody ever did, or ever will, escape the consequences of his choices. Alfred A. Montapert
Some of us embrace and welcome rules. They create a feeling of safety and order. For others, they are annoy-
ing and ignored. They are a nuisance, feel confining, and seem irrelevant. Yet, rules, by nature, are neutral.
Our point of view regarding rules can limit our freedom to choose, affect our actions, and dramatically alter how we live.
--If we view a rule as irritating or not applicable, we tend to react accordingly without thinking about alternatives.
--If we view a rule as safe and nurturing, we might accept it without questioning whether or not it is in our best interest.
What is it about rules that guides us to be submissive or rebellious?
Person A was assigned a middle seat in the airplane. After boarding and then taking off, the adjacent aisle seat
remained empty. Yet, she felt compelled to remain in the middle seat because that was her ‘assigned’ seat.
Person B, on the other hand, might have immediately occupied the empty seat while continuing to hope that no
one was still coming to claim it.
Many of us tend to operate from one extreme or the other. Finding the middle ground can be most beneficial.
When we get a new appliance – some people read the manual carefully ahead of time and get a clear under-
standing of how something operates. Other people just plow ahead and begin to figure things out without refer-
ring to the manual.
When the tendency is to accept the rules as ‘all knowing’ with no deviations, we could get caught up in
forgetting what is really important. We reach a point of being totally beholden with no flexibility.
On the other hand, for those that tend to ignore the rules, damage or harm can occur.
Whether we buy into or dismiss the rules, we act as if we have no choice. Ultimately, we want to be proactive and
have a say in how things occur and turn out. It is energy draining and isolating when we operate at one extreme
or the other. Empowerment comes from mastering the middle ground and discerning in each instance
whether the rule is valid. We want to look at each situation and choose accordingly – rather than submit
or reject automatically.
When we make conscious decisions, we are proactive and make appropriate choices for the situation at hand.
When we simply react (no rules, all rules), either we believe we are victims (poor me stuck in the middle seat) or
totally in charge (the rules don’t apply). These are automatic responses - not powerful choices.
When rules exist for obvious safety reasons, there’s really nothing to question. However, when rules are self-
imposed or imagined, it behooves us to be cognizant of our choices and the possible consequences.
Often, we feel powerless regarding the rules, or we think we are ‘above’ them and they don’t apply to us.
A client told me how much she disliked her boss because she told her exactly how she wanted things done and
my client didn’t necessarily agree. When I inquired if her boss had, instead, offered a suggestion of how it could
be done rather than insisting upon it, would that have made a difference? The answer: Yes. She explained that
given a choice she may have felt open to her boss’s way of doing things.
In essence, she automatically rebelled against what seemed to her like a ‘rule.’ She wasn’t opposed in principle;
she was opposed to what felt like a demand. Frequently, we confuse HOW a message is delivered with the con-
tent of the message. Just imagine separating HOW something is requested from WHAT is requested. For
those that typically oppose rules, this can dramatically shift the results.
After assessing whether you tend to follow or dismiss rules, look at instances where you believed there was no choice.
The next time something seems like it’s imposed, think about alternatives and/or HOW the message is being
delivered. Perhaps this will lead to different choices.
For those that adhere to and follow every rule, you could question whether or not the rule truly supports your best
interest and what is optimum for the current situation, rather than believing there is no choice.
47 Year End Reflections - Synopsis of 2007 Life’s Little Lessons 12/2007
I don’t know what percentage of people believe in New Year resolutions. Personally, I do not.
Statistics claim that the majority of resolutions go by the wayside within the month of January. While I believe that people
have good intentions and really WANT things to change, the commitment is short lived.
Instead of writing about the significance or unimportance of resolutions and promises, this issue departs from the usual
format of one main theme and is devoted to reflection. That is, looking back at this year’s Life’s Little Lessons topics and
ascertaining whether or not:
• we have learned from them;
• still need to revisit them;
• already have them in place;
• have completely forgotten them
• or simply want to consider what makes sense to incorporate into our busy lives.
It appears that the overall theme of each of the topics for 2007 revolves around choice. To read the full topic, simply go back
to Page 37 (1/07) and start reading from there.
Just Listen Listening is about giving your undivided attention and focus entirely to another person. It is about listening with
the mind AND heart. It is clean, objective and ego free. It integrates an attitude of curiosity; a desire to understand. Notice in
your conversations whether you are hearing someone vs. listening. It may mean stopping what you are doing to offer your
undivided attention and letting go of your thoughts or ideas.
Strategies Usually, we don’t consciously create strategies; they stem from some underlying thinking process. If strategies
are created to avoid, escape, compensate, or distract, they will only reinforce what you already have/ or contribute further
to your not having. Instead of being honest with ourselves, we create a strategy to justify our behavior. Strategies help us
cope and ‘get by’ without having to confront our deepest beliefs.
Attitude of Gratitude When was the last time you acknowledged how happy you were that you could walk or see. We just
need to wonder what we can be grateful for instead of perpetuating feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Changing
the attitude from one of disappointment to one of gratitude can open us to possibility and totally shift the meaning behind
the experience
Red Flags Often, we have warning signs and we choose to ignore them, or at best acknowledge them and still proceed as
planned. They are constantly present -revealing something or pointing something out. Because we are rushing, relying on
our intentions or impulses, or not present, we choose (sometimes subconsciously) to ignore the signals. There is always a
price to pay. When a red flag (or warning) shows up, we can make a conscious decision in that moment.
No Regrets When it comes to regrets, they are strictly based on the past, i.e.: could have done but didn’t, ‘missed opportuni-
ties’, so-called ‘wrong choices.’ Dwelling on regrets doesn’t change anything and often makes us feel worse. Carrying guilt
is draining and unproductive. When we let go of our past - especially regrets - it allows us to live freely without being bogged
down by guilt, blame, shame, etc.
Assumptions Usually, we ‘assume’ what someone means or feels based on how we might feel in that situation. We inter-
pret statements through our filters. The main reason communication breaks down is our misinterpretation. When left with
negative feelings, it’s useful to question whether we are assuming something or have evidence. The problem with assump-
tions is that they set us up for miscommunication, disappointment, or unrealistic thinking.
Victim - Woe is Me When we do things expecting something in return - gratitude, recognition, payment, and it doesn’t hap-
pen, we feel like a victim of circumstance. The problem with the ‘victim’ mentality is that it is perceived as though there are
no choices and no need to accept responsibility for the outcome. We get locked into ‘this is how it is.’ While we always have
choices and may not like the alternatives, they do exist.
Mirror, Mirror - Who Do I See? Just as a physical mirror serves as the vehicle to reflection, so do all of the people in our
lives. Frequently, when we dislike qualities in other people, it’s usually the mirror that’s speaking to us. As you encounter
people, see if you can figure out what part of you is being reflected. Although we don’t want to believe it - and it’s not easy or desir-
able to look further - it can be a great learning lesson to figure out what part of the person is being reflected in you.
Shoulds When we use the word ‘should’ instead of coming from our true self, it comes from another source - i.e. society,
ego, our history. In many conflicts and dilemmas, we feel stress from a spoken or unspoken should and somehow obliged.
Imagine substituting the word CHOOSE for should. It becomes your choice not influenced by anyone or anything. Despite
unpalatable alternatives, there is always a choice vs. an imposed command.
In Your Shoes When someone does or says something that we don’t agree with or have not experienced, our tendency is
to shrug it off, lose patience, or not bother to understand another viewpoint. We become dismissive or intolerant rather than
curious and interested. We get wrapped up in our own experiences and ideas and believe that others must have the same
ones. People don’t necessarily experience things the same way that we do.
The Rules Our point of view regarding rules can limit our freedom to choose, affect our actions, and dramatically alter how
we live. When the tendency is to accept the rules as ‘all knowing’ with no deviations, we could get caught up in forgetting
what’s really important. Conversely, for those that tend to ignore the rules, damage or harm can occur. Empowerment comes
from mastering the middle ground and discerning each time whether the rule is valid.
48
Synchronicity 1/2008
“The more awake or conscious we are, the better able we are to see these signs for what they really are—
unmistakable evidence of how grace shapes our lives.” Cheryl Richardson
In my mind, the word synchronize conjures up an image of swimmers where every stroke is identical and per-
formed at the exact same time. Their movements are aligned, in harmony, and in flow. Synchronistic expe-
riences in life have the same elements.
Recently, a dream woke me up with heart palpitations. A strange man was in my house and I awakened my friend
and asked him to investigate. He chased the man out and what I noticed were two of my gold bracelets lying on
the floor broken. When I awoke, I checked my 3 bracelets. One that I’ve worn every day for twenty years had a
broken link.
When reading a reply from another coach on a list of over 10,000 coaches, I was fascinated with the font that
someone used. That caused me to read the message and notice the signature. She included her maiden name
and I wondered: Could this be the girl that went to summer camp with me 47 years ago? Checking her website
didn’t help, so I dashed off an e-mail and received an excited reply saying yes.
As I approached a familiar street where parking is difficult, I imagined parking in a very particular spot. I knew
that people in the neighborhood knew about it, but a visitor would probably pass it by because of the hydrant and
proximity to the corner. As I turned the corner, the spot was in fact available.
The day that I was teaching the class on boundaries, for no apparent reason, I did something I had never done
before – On Yahoo! I clicked ‘Horoscopes.’ Surprisingly, there was a question: What is your most difficult issue
in relationships? (The answer: boundaries).
A friend related a story about his customer who called a friend and instead reached a wrong number. The person
who answered thought that he recognized the voice that was apologizing for disturbing him and asked if it was
Joe. The person responded yes. They had not spoken in over ten years after losing complete touch. Because
of ONE digit pressed by mistake, these two old friends reconnected.
Are these examples of: -- Coincidence? -- Synchronicity? -- Law of Attraction?
How can these phenomena be explained?
After diligently researching the topic, synchronicity cannot be explained. It is said that it is about the meaning
that we ascribe to the event or circumstance but there are no statistics or scientific evidence of beating
out the laws of probability. Beyond that, I wondered how could synchronistic events affect us.
First we must pay attention, and then we are faced with choice points. Will we:
• Let it go, forget about it, and dismiss it as coincidence?
• Follow through and take some action?
• Turn it into something meaningful and see an opportunity?
In every detailed example, choices were made along the way. That is, noticed the font; noticed the signature
name; questioned the name; took action.
Coincidence is defined as something that happens by chance in a surprising or remarkable way. Coincidence
seems to refer to the timing of an event.
Synchronicity is defined as the meaningful coincidence of events that seem related but are not obviously
caused one by the other. Synchronicity reveals the meaningful connections between opinions/ feelings and
facts. It can place emphasis on something going on in our life.
Yet, we experience synchronicity often and it comes to our consciousness only when we are paying atten-
tion. The more we experience synchronicity, the more we are in flow and in harmony. The more we detect
it, the more opportunities are revealed as evidenced by each example.
Notice what happens when you learn or read a new word. Usually, within a month of that, you see or hear that
word several times. You have been awakened to it and it now lives in your consciousness.
Remember a time when you thought about an unbelievable or coincidental timing of an event. Did you acknowl-
edge it and then move on? Did you make a choice and take action? What will you do the next time something
synchronistic happens? Are you willing to look at the opportunity provided and follow through in some way?
I would LOVE to hear about your synchonistic experiences! And, if you feel inclined, please let me know if you
decide to go ahead and try this experiment.
49 Denial = Danger 2/2008
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. C. Northcote Parkinson
Sometimes it seems easier to turn a cheek rather than confront what’s going on. Let’s face it, often we don’t want
to face it. Denial keeps us from what is true, real, or fair and distorts reality.
Examples: Having an affair won’t hurt anyone. A different boss would make my life great.
Denial is both positive and negative. It can act as a buffer after unexpected shocking news or a traumatic ex-
perience. On the ‘negative’ side, denial is a defense or strategy to avoid dealing with an event that is occurring/
occurred where it behooves us to recognize the reality.
Many years ago, when watching a special program about the Titanic, my friend claimed that I would have been in
the ballroom dancing until the bitter end. And, despite the fact that women and children were supposed to leave
first, he would have abandoned ship at the first sign of trouble.
For years that conversation stayed with me before I decided to figure out if that was accurate, and if so, why. Why
would I continue as if nothing bad was happening?
I recognized my tendency of seeing things as I would like them to be rather than how they are. In contrast, many
people dwell on the consequences and downside and miss the joy and possibilities that life offers us.
Neither one works well. After discovering the source of my unrealistic thinking or denial, it woke me up to under-
standing that every situation is different and pretending something is not happening can actually prove
to be dangerous.
The danger comes from:
-- loss of time
-- drained energy
-- inability to make progress
-- continued unhappiness
-- not getting what’s needed
Instead of addressing a situation as a reality, we avoid it and act as if it doesn’t exist. In the short term, it keeps
us from uncomfortable; in the long term, it prevents us from taking appropriate action that could lead to a
far greater outcome.
Someone knew for about a year that her job would end. Instead of starting an earnest job search, she clung to
the belief that something would suddenly change. When the job ended, she faced the harsh reality that had been
there all along. Rather than acknowledging her situation and using time wisely, denial led to major drama and
pressure to find a new job.
Denial costs us and often threatens or undermines our own sense of identity, self-trust, worth, and our
esteem. Denial is often maintained by our illogical thinking that is attempting to support our distorted
perceptions. The Titanic won’t sink; it’s just a bit of water and someone will take care of it.
We often hear about denial when a relationship is going sour. Our tendency is to ignore clues and hope that
things turn around. Ironically, relationships are usually over before they are over. The damage or rift is not rec-
oncilable but we adhere to unrealistic hope. Yet, if we faced the reality earlier, we might take actions that could
either change the outcome and/or allow us the freedom to pursue a loving, supportive relationship.
Denial leaves us in a passive mode rather than a proactive one that would allow us to change our situation.
Despite good advice to deal with his cancer immediately, my friend claimed that his son’s problems were more
critical and important. Three years later, he died, reportedly having waited too long to address the cancer. (Of
course, either way may have had the same outcome, but at least there would have been a better chance at life.)
Denial can lead to blame and prevent us from looking at the truth of a situation. Examples: We don’t get
the promotion, make the team, or get another date. It is possible that we didn’t have the necessary skills or the
sought after characteristics. It behooves us to confront other possibilities and options so that we can make appro-
priate changes. Facing it allows us to take different action steps instead of blaming and waiting around.
Can you recognize the danger in not having addressed something sooner?
Currently, is there something happening in your life that you are not facing realistically?
When something unpleasant occurs (job loss, end of relationship, family disagreements), rather than sitting in
denial, what can you do to recognize the clues and reality of the situation, and what actions can you take
to affect a different outcome?
Suggested resource: changingminds.org
50 Truth vs. Honesty 3/2008
Honesty is when you tell the truth about what you know or feel. However, Truth requires a certain aware-
ness of it, beyond just being honest. Honesty is about you; truth is about Truth. This is a subtle one.
Thomas J. Leonard, Founder of Coaching
No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally
getting bewildered as to which one is true. Nathaniel Hawthorne (The Scarlet Letter)
More often than not, our tendency is to be honest but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we are telling the truth.
How does that make sense?
Frequently we say something like “I can’t make the meeting because I have a doctor’s appointment.” The reason
is honest, but the truth might be “I don’t want to make it.” While it’s not always necessary to share the truth, by
becoming more aware of it, a feeling of freedom is created. We raise our level of consciousness and honor our-
selves. We get to know ourselves better, and therefore, have a better chance of getting what we really want.
Example: When a woman seeks an expert for weight loss and claims that she wants to return to a smaller size
because she felt healthier, this is usually honest. Yet, the real truth is that she suspects that her husband is cheat-
ing and believes her strategy of getting thin will repair the relationship. Recognizing the truth would change her
approach and how she shows up. From experience, we know that denying the truth leads to feeling badly about
ourselves. Thus, when you acknowledge the deepest truth, your actions are in alignment with who you
really are. More importantly, you get what you really want.
The choices we make directly affect our present reality. The cliché: “The truth will set you free” – when we un-
cover the ‘truth’ versus a socially accepted response, it can liberate us from pain and suffering.
Often people think that it’s easier to make up a story rather than tell the truth. We believe that the truth will be
scorned, generate judgment, and/or lead to perceived confrontation.
Recognizing the truth is a way to take responsibility for our actions and our choices. Recently, I was con-
templating a collaboration. Shortly thereafter, I decided against it. When I shared my decision, she was surprised and
responded with blame and accused me of taking the easy way out. In truth, she was disappointed and hurt. My decision
was solidly grounded, but unaware of her truth, she chose blame rather than acknowledging her disappointment.
Too often, we want to blame or deny rather than take ownership of our part. Unfortunately, then we use
unnecessary energy and drain ourselves on a subtle level. By not taking responsibility for our experience, we
diminish our self-esteem. Instead of respecting and honoring ourselves, we downplay our importance.
Truth is found by delving inside THIS moment – that which is actually occurring.
When we resist WHAT IS, we forget who we are. Instead of allowing our true being to shine, we hide in shame,
guilt, fear and blame, which keeps us small, separate, and lonely.
A client claimed that she would like to be in a live-in relationship so she can share her rent and expenses. That
may be true. However, the real truth is that she is lonely and would relish companionship. Without that admis-
sion, she will likely not get her deeper need met. By not acknowledging her truth, her actions will not likely align
with the results she wants.
Truth means seeing things as they are, no additions, no adjustments, just plain awareness. When our
awareness is raised, it leads to our fulfillment.
Each time we retreat because we can’t tolerate feeling the full depth of our experience, another layer is masking
reality. When we shut down and deny the discomfort, we avoid looking at life directly.
Eventually, the lies we create to cushion the bare truth of our suffering build a wall that distances us from life
itself. By crafting a story, we limit our experience and life feels like a struggle.
Opening to life means being truthful to yourself about how you really feel. Only by admitting the depth
of your suffering can you move beyond it. The more you open to life, the deeper your experience and the
closer you get to the truth of who you are.
When you find yourself wanting to make a change or blaming someone, be willing to look at the deeper truth.
--What is the ‘real’ reason for your desire or behavior?
--Do you think that your reason will avoid a perceived conflict?
--Solve an ongoing problem?
When we get to know ourselves in the true sense, we are empowered to take appropriate actions, end
our misery, and show up as genuine.
Resource: http://www.eolife.org -- Amoda Maa Jeevan
51 Inspiration 4/2008
“Before you can inspire with emotion, you must be swamped with it yourself. Before you can move their
tears, your own must flow. To convince them, you must yourself believe.” Winston Churchill
After posting a tribute to Thomas Leonard, the founder of coaching as we know it today, it reminded me of an
exercise from a workshop years ago.
The first question asked us to list those that we admire (dead or alive). My list began with Martin Luther King,
Jr., Rosa Parks, Winston Churchill, JFK, and several others.
Essentially, they inspire me. They motivate, encourage, enthuse, awaken me simply by being who they naturally
are. In our minds, there is something so special about those people that they elevate our thinking and our actions.
The second question asked us to find the qualities they had in common - a common thread. In every instance
these were people who believed in something, followed their heart, and stood their ground for what they believed
to be true despite any obstacles or adversity. They went after what they wanted with passion. They had a vision,
a dream, an ideal, and worked towards making it materialize.
Thomas Leonard told me “You don’t need motivation if you have inspiration.” Inspiration means the act or power
of exciting the intellect or emotions to action, divine guidance and influence on human beings. On a practical level,
it is a feeling, a sense when someone or something touches us, resonates, encourages, stirs us to think bigger.
When we feel inspired, we are driven, automatically motivated to move forward and take action. We don’t
need reminders.
”Each time someone stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against
injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope.” Robert Kennedy
For the last 18 years, a friend expressed a desire to conclude his Master’s degree. At the age of 51, not only
did he achieve it, but also chose to devote six years to simultaneously pursuing a PhD. His determination is
indescribable. The obstacles seemed insurmountable. He managed a business and moved its location while in
school full time. His one-year internship was in another state so he commuted home on weekends to work 14-16
hour days to keep his business going.
While it’s obvious that one can admire the stamina and determination, more importantly, it’s the pure inspiration
that resonates. It proves that if we set our minds to do something we really want, no matter how difficult
or daunting, or improbable it may seem, it is possible. When we encounter people who inspire us, aside from
WHAT they have done, there is something about their ‘being’ that resonates. We identify with their passion
and appreciate their courage and determination.
There’s a lot of buzz around the Blue Ribbon Movie (http://www.acknowledgmentmovie.com). It started as such
a simple concept by one elementary school teacher and has touched thousands of lives. That teacher didn’t start
out wanting something in return, nor did she ever imagine the impact she would create. Her concept is so basic
-- make other people feel good about themselves. She just noticed how people feel bad about themselves,
especially young children at school, and decided to change that.
Without giving away the 6-minute video, the impact and the ripple affect of her modest idea inspired people all
over the world to make other people feel good about themselves. The inspiration comes from recognizing how
someone believed in something and made it a reality that impacts humanity.
Almost 2 million people are talking about Randy Pausch -”the dying man who taught America how to live.” (http://
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo) (76 minutes) Even those who have already viewed the video can still
be moved to tears with this man’s story. In his 40’s, diagnosed with terminal cancer, he chose to leave a legacy
for his young children by speaking to them (through video) about living life fully. It is so inspiring because of our
ability to identify with his plight, hear the truth in his message, and admire his positive attitude. It causes us to
question what would we do if we knew we only had a finite amount of time left?
Inspiration comes in many forms but characteristically has common elements. Someone or something affects
our perspective.
--What is the difference between these people and you?
--What is holding you back from following your passion and becoming inspiration for someone?
When we truly believe in ourselves and follow our heart, there is no place for fear, no thinking. We merely follow
what we believe is true and right for us. Once we allow the doubts to take over, we stifle our enthusiasm, and we
know what those results look like.
What is your dream, strong desire, that you haven’t gone after because it seems impossible?
52
Permission 5/2008
“When we have begun to take charge of our lives, to own ourselves, there is no longer any need to ask
permission of someone.” George O’Neil
As some of you already know, each month I begin thinking about newsletter topics well in advance and if nothing
comes to me, the drama unfolds. I must have at least 20 unfinished issues to date. This is the 51st newsletter
which means that I have written a monthly 700 word Life’s Little Lessons for over 4 years without ever missing
a beat.... until now. (By the way, 700 words was an arbitrary pick to keep me succinct and /or provide enough
detail to make the point.)
In this week’s coaching lesson for the class that I teach on becoming a coach, part of the material focused on
permission. Most of our choices and decisions are based on giving or getting permission. Often we want
to proceed with something in a particular way (or not proceed) but we are fraught with trepidation, guilt, shame
or a fear of the way that we will be perceived.
Sometimes we need to ask someone for permission to share something that we notice or want to say.... Are you
okay if I offer my opinion here?
For almost all of us, there have been days where we really do not want to go to work and yet, we push ourselves
and do it anyway. And, on rare occasions, we ‘permit’ ourselves a weekday of rest or an opportunity to do things
we typically can’t do during the week i.e. sleep late, shopping, lunch with a friend.
At first we might feel guilty or worry about the implications and how our boss or co-workers will perceive our tak-
ing a day off, but then we realize that we are entitled to have a day for ourselves as long as we aren’t shirking
responsibility or leaving people in the lurch and being selfish.
Accordingly, often in conversations, we give people permission to do the ‘thing’ they want to do but are
afraid of doing. “Go ahead, take the day off and sleep in, it will be good for you.” And, sometimes we help people
give permission to themselves. We allow them to discuss their impending decision and usually the person makes
the choice after articulating what they are really thinking and wanting to do.
The result is the same - permission is granted. Permission by definition means consent, authorization, sanction,
approval, allowance. In the informal, it means go ahead, green light, and thumbs up.
This month, not being different from many others, I started a Life’s Little Lesson and lost my passion for the
subject matter. Consequently, I looked at the calendar and realized that I only have two more days to produce a
newsletter. Then I also recognized that I have two major projects coming up within the next two weeks.
So, for the first time ever, I am giving myself permission to not write 700 words. In fact, I’m not going to
go into examples and details beyond this point.
Am I concerned about this decision? Yes. I agonize about disappointing readers expecting to read another Life’s
Little Lesson. I get concerned about letting people down and not fulfilling an obligation.
Then I stop all the THINKING and check in with myself. This is one of the most freeing things that I can do at this
moment in time.
--It allows me to put my energy where it needs to be.
--I can let go of the guilt and the PERCEIVED disappointment.
Truth be told, maybe you aren’t disappointed. Conceivably you are pleased or nonplussed. Perhaps I’m being a
role model for giving oneself permission? In any event, I’m doing this because it feels good for now.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT (couldn’t skip this one)

Think of a time when you wanted to do something but would not give yourself permission to do so? Did you have
regrets? If you had to do it over, would you make the same choice?
Perhaps there will be an opportunity for you to give yourself permission to do something out of the ordinary just
because it feels good, or you will choose to do so because it makes good sense for that moment in time.
experiences.
53
Obstacle Illusion 6/2008
For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some
obstacle in the way. Something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be
served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my
life. Fr. Alfred D’Souza
Frequently, we find ourselves not knowing which way to turn. We know that we have to make a choice, but it’s not
a clear one because we can’t discern which aspect is the obstacle holding us back or standing in the way.
A client was unhappy and knew that something was not right, and life just wasn’t going smoothly and felt off kilter.
We looked at the three main facets that were contributing to the exploration: home, job, and friends. She wasn’t
sure if one, two, or all of them had to change before things would seem right.
We started with job and kept all of the other variables as they were. Supposing you get a new job that you love
with a lot more money, great people, and a great commute. You have the exact same friends, and you live in the
exact same place. How does that work for you? Her response: still not okay.
We then looked at friends - Presume you have the same job as now, live in the same place, and have new groups
of friends where you feel comfortable and happy and they are supportive and usually available. How does that
work? Her response: still not okay.
Suppose you have the same job, the same friends and you live in a completely different neighborhood. One
where stores are open late, lots of restaurants, lots of activity, easy commute to work. She immediately knew that
was the thing that had to change.
By removing one aspect at a time and changing the description, we tend to know in a moment which
one is right for us. Obstacle refers to something that prevents action, slows progress, or something that
stands in the way.
Typically, we choose the obvious sticking point (e.g., not getting a raise) as the likely culprit or obstacle and
declare that as the reason for our displeasure or inaction. More often than not, there is something else that is
actually causing the problem. People claim the reason they are angry and leave their jobs is because they aren’t
getting paid enough (or didn’t get a good raise). Statistics prove that the number one reason people leave
is because they do not feel appreciated. And, that appreciation does not necessarily mean financially related
in order to diffuse the anger.
A client was getting underway as an entrepreneur and enjoying her flexible schedule and cultivating prospects
for new business. Then, she was offered a good, full-time job. Normally, one would expect that it would be a
‘no-brainer’ decision. Her reason for seriously debating taking the job was a steady paycheck. So when she was
asked: “What if you were guaranteed to get the same amount of money as an entrepreneur as you would taking
the job, what would you do?” Her immediate response was simple - I would definitely not take the job, and I would
continue on my current path. Once we ‘remove the obstacle’ that which SEEMS to be the reason or cause
for indecision, then we can get to the truth in the situation.
The ‘obstacle’ can be represented in different ways. Usually, it’s the idea about something that presumably
stands in the way. Or, it could be the one thing that appears to be the draw toward something even though
without that ‘dangling carrot,’ things still don’t seem balanced.
One client consistently claimed that it was ‘timing’ that was keeping her from moving forward. She relies strongly
on her intuition, and until she receives a ‘signal,’ she doesn’t move forward. However, she felt stuck and victim-
ized because nothing was happening. When we removed the perceived obstacle, ‘timing,’ by imagining that
the timing was in fact right, she immediately realized how she could begin to move forward. In turn, it provided
momentum, and she could recognize how the ‘timing signal’ that she was waiting for, was simply a fabri-
cated obstacle.
How often have we put something in the way because we truly believed it was stopping us? Yet, in time, we real-
ized that it was only an obstacle illusion in our minds. What is keeping you from moving forward with a project?
A relationship? A big change?
54
Let Down 7/2008
When someone tells us a joke, particularly a long one, we anxiously await the punch line. When the punch line isn’t
funny, we feel let down and disappointed that we listened to the whole story only to have such a flat ending.
Recently, I read an article about a situation with a coach and his client. Instead of the story going in the direction I
had anticipated, it totally veered off and instead, spoke about some obvious things that were tangentially related.
It was as if the beginning had nothing to do with the subject at hand.
The story was about a coach who realized that as he was stuck in traffic would likely not be on time for his client.
Accordingly, he called his client from his cell phone to either change the time or reschedule. The client asked if
the coach was driving, and he replied that in fact he was a passenger. The client then became enraged and
claimed that his confidentiality had been violated and slammed down the phone. When the coach tried to
contact the client to explain, the client did not respond.
The coach then made the story about the use and abuse of cell phones while driving. In actuality, there were
many lessons in that short incident that were not addressed.
What can we learn from that experience?
-What was the likely trigger for the client’s anger?
-Was there inherent mistrust all along and this was a final straw?
-Was the client anxious to speak with the coach and share something?
-Was there something going on for the client that he didn’t feel his appointment time was honored?
We could speculate forever or we could discover what we can learn from this story. The client stated that he felt
violated. Perhaps the lesson resides somewhere around honoring the client’s confidentiality, his time,
and the appointment as scheduled. What also seems apparent is that the client was counting on the coach
and felt let down.
In any relationship, especially a professional one such as coach/client, or employer/employee, doctor/patient, or
teacher/student, there is an inherent understanding that when a time to meet is arranged, it will happen. If, for
any reason that needs to change, we notify the other person. Additionally, as a professional, our responsibility
is to maintain confidentiality. Personally, I find it disconcerting if I believe that someone else ‘could’ hear what
I’m saying (i.e. speakerphone).
Yes, all of us have been stuck in traffic, and consequently, late for a meeting or appointment. Yet, if we have a
professional obligation, it behooves us to plan accordingly and honor the client’s time. When a doctor
keeps us waiting an inordinate amount of time for a scheduled appointment, we get agitated and annoyed. It
feels as if we aren’t important. It’s as if OUR time is not valued. It feels disrespectful.
My guess is that the client was feeling some of that disrespect. Likely, the client felt as though the time set aside
was not valued. It’s possible there was more going on, but we will never really know. What is important, is real-
izing that dishonoring a time commitment can invoke a lack of trust, a sense of disregard, and at the very
least a huge disappointment.
I would also venture to guess that an immediate, sincere apology vs. trying to reschedule or change the time may
have dissipated some of the anger.
We have different frameworks and experiences and for some, this may not have been a big deal. However, we
can learn from this that dishonoring a professional appointment can have major consequences.
At the very least, after apologizing, perhaps we could offer something in return for not holding to the time. In the
case of a coach, it could be one complimentary session or extra time for the next session.
How do you feel when someone keeps you waiting or cancels at the last minute?
What if you are running late or need to cancel, do you notify the person immediately, apologize, and/or offer
something in return for the inconvenience?
Are you aware of the potential consequences and impact of missing an appointment?
55
Roles 10/2008
All the world is a stage,

And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and entrances;
Each man in his time plays many parts. William Shakespeare
Everybody counts, everybody deserves a chance, everybody has a responsible role to play and we all do better
when we work together. Bill Clinton
Do you think that any of the following statements reflect who I am?
I’m a coach. I’m a teacher. I’m a mother. I’m Marion. I’m overwhelmed.
ANSWER: No
Our tendency is to define ourselves by our feelings and by the roles we play.
Let’s look at the statement, “I’m Marion.” In truth, my name is Marion and human beings are associated with a
name for identification purposes. It’s not WHO we are.
Recently, a client said that our daily activities and the work that we do are what makes up who we are. However,
that is not the case. Our inclination is to confuse what we do and the roles we play with who we are.
In reality, we are human beings at the core. In our everyday lives, we play roles. It may be parent, spouse, sib-
ling, teacher/student, tennis player, financial analyst, etc. To say that we ARE any of these is not accurate. We
are people who perform these roles throughout our day/ lives. “I’m a tennis player” is an inaccurate statement.
I play tennis may be the truth.
Is it simply a question of semantics? No. It goes a lot deeper than that. While it doesn’t really matter if we say who
we are or what we do incorrectly, what does matter is our identification with the role that is the cause of problems.
When we closely identify with a role, as if it is what defines us, life gets complicated. Supposing a football player
only identifies himself as a football player. What happens if he loses his leg and can no longer play? He feels as
though he has lost his identity. It would seem to him as though his purpose has been stripped away when neither
is true.
When going through my divorce I suddenly realized that if I’m not (in the moment) a teacher, a wife, a mother,
then I have no idea who I am.
A role is a responsibility – a part, a job, function, or a position. Roles may fluctuate at any moment in time. When
we identify so strongly with the role we are playing at that moment, we forget that we are human beings first.
In actuality, life gets much easier when we stop identifying so closely with our roles and instead recognize them
for what they are. When we make the statement “I’m tired” it implies that there is something wrong with us. In
fact, it’s our body (and perhaps our mind) that is tired.
Eastern philosophy states that if we can observe something, we can’t be that something. Imagine seeing
something and believing that you are that something. It is impossible. So when our mind can observe a feeling
or a role, we can’t possibly be that role. We can PERFORM the role or play our part, but it is not who we are
at the essence.
If, however, we view what we do as a role, then we can easily see how our true being cannot be affected by our
roles. We will always be human beings first – wanting the same as all others at the deepest level – to be
loved, happy, and cared about.
All of us play roles. One of the keys to understanding other people is to understand what roles they may be play-
ing and what roles we tend to play. If we understand how we behave in a given situation, it gives us more room
to understand how we can make changes when our behavior isn’t working for us, when we are not getting what
we want.
Every experience we have had in our past plays a part of who we are in present.
Think about the various roles that you play and have played in your life. Observe the times when you strongly
identify with those roles and believe it’s who you are. Recognize that certain roles we once held as important
may no longer serve us. Once you become aware, notice how that can help you to identify yourself first
as a human being.
56
Mental Attitude 11/2008
Happiness is not a matter of good fortune or worldly possessions. It’s a mental attitude. It comes from
appreciating what we have, instead of being miserable about what we don’t have. It’s so simple—yet so
hard for the human mind to comprehend. (Anonymous)
With all of the talk and material related to happiness and well-being, one would think it’s enough already. After
all, how many people really get to feel happy for extended periods of time?
At the Annual Coaching Conference in Montreal, I attended a breakout session Manifesting the Invisible Dimen-
sion of Positive Mental Attitude. Witness It and Work With It! I chose it simply by default as nothing else appealed
to me. Luckily, it was fascinating and has already impacted my life.
The premise states that each individual has their own energy field and our field varies depending upon
our state of mind. At this point, I was highly skeptical! Christian Worth (www.less-stress-more-success.com)
stated that focusing on a positive mental attitude increases our energy field while focusing on negative thought
decreases it. By now I was rolling my eyes and wondering why I chose this session.
He stated that an optimistic attitude leads to satisfaction and conversely, a pessimistic one leads to dissatisfac-
tion. Without too much detail, he used ‘dowsing rods’ (pictured below) which are straight wires with a handle and
are held parallel to the floor.
Dowsing Rods
He physically demonstrated several times using different people how our energy fields vary. As soon as
a person’s energy field is detected, the rods change direction and begin to part. After watching him walk towards
five different people, I started to believe that ‘something’ was happening.
In the meantime, when I first sat down (approximately 200 people attended), I smiled and said ‘hello’ to the per-
son seated to my right. She brusquely said ‘hi’ and turned away. Her body language of disconnect was strong.
During the talk, she turned to me and abruptly said “You are chewing your gum loudly and I can’t hear.” I apolo-
gized profusely only to have her turn away again.
A short while later, we had to break into groups to discuss what we were observing on stage, and my right side
neighbor immediately turned away from me to the person on her other side.
The next experiment on stage started to make me a believer. He had two people stand at opposite ends on
the stage. He walked towards each of them to see where the rods changed to show us their energy fields re-
spectively. He then whispered something to one of the women. The audience and the other woman had no idea
what he said. He then walked towards the other woman and this time she had NO energy field – the rods never
changed even when he reached her.
He then informed us that he whispered to the first woman to think awful thoughts about the other woman – that
she was a bad person, that she shouldn’t be on the stage, that she was harmful, etc.
So, it seems as though the thoughts we are thinking can directly affect another person without our or
their knowledge.
By the same token, he explained that it works in reverse. He then had the woman think very positive thoughts
about the other woman. When he walked towards the other woman, her energy field was larger than it was ini-
tially (This was demonstrated by the rods parting at a further distance from where she was standing than they
had initially when all was neutral).
Now I was on board but still somewhat skeptical. I decided to try it myself. I faced the woman next to me (who
was still turned away with all of the body language possible) and wished her love, a beautiful day, all great things
for her life (silently in my mind). Within 3 minutes, she turned to me and said “Isn’t this guy just great, and he’s
so funny too.”
Still in shock to this day, I realized that our mental energy CAN and WILL affect other people. How does
this help us?
The next time someone irritates or annoys you – send them positive energy and watch what happens. When you
see someone looking glum or sad, try it.
And in reverse, notice when you are with another person(s) and you feel your energy draining, and with aware-
ness stop someone else’s energy from impacting yours.
57
Impatience 2/2009
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead. Bill Mcglashen
The impatient may not always be wrong on issues, but they are almost always wrong in their attitudes.
R. J. Rushdoony
Waiting on a long line in the supermarket can be one of the most trying times. It gets worse when the person
checking out has a mis-marked item or wants the sale price. Inevitably, we feel as though whichever line we have
chosen, it must be the wrong one.
What makes this experience so exasperating? Typically, it’s because we have so much to accomplish in so
short a time and anything or anyone that interferes with our plan annoys us.
What if we could look at our behavior from another perspective?
I read a story about a woman who was in line at the supermarket and the woman checking out was holding an
infant. Next thing she knew the check out person was holding the baby and the person behind in line was cooing
and talking baby talk. Needless to say, everyone else in the line was getting irritated and frustrated and started
yelling out to move along.
One irritated man in the line finally reached the register and questioned why the cashier got so involved and
asked her why she didn’t care that the line was long and didn’t respect that people were in a hurry?
She explained that her husband had died in the Iraqi war and that each day her mother gets in line so she can
have a chance to hold her baby while she’s working.
Now, what are you thinking?
Sometimes we don’t know why things happen as they do. Our impatience takes place in our head and in our
body. We begin to stress and feel agitation if things don’t move as quickly as we would like. This arises because
we have ideas about how it ‘should’ be instead of how it is. And, some things are out of our control, so stress
and agitation only impair OUR health. It has no impact on the situation and does not change the outcome.
How many times have you been behind a slow driver and started honking or feeling your blood pressure rise?
What if you found out that the woman driving has a child in the car and she is on the way to the hospital and the
sick child needs as smooth a ride as possible?
We may get annoyed if someone is late, but it doesn’t help if we lose patience and get agitated. Again, we are
the only ones who suffer, and it doesn’t make the other person arrive any sooner.
A client was sharing how as a manager he gets so frustrated when his direct report doesn’t understand what is
required. He winds up repeating the explanation and instructions -- expecting a different result. Instead, he could
take a moment to regroup or walk away and then come back and slowly explain what needs to be done (or ex-
plain it differently). Rarely do we take the time to do this, and ironically, we use more energy getting frustrated
and still don’t get the outcome we want. Other times, we wind up doing it ourselves and that usually
builds resentment. Often, that little break is enough to face a situation that otherwise would be frustrat-
ing. As a manager, controlling impatience can inspire others to react calmly during times of high pressure.
By learning how to control our impatience and stay with what is, we enable others to approach us in situations
where we may previously have been unapproachable. By not giving in to our urge to instantaneously react
to a stressful situation, we may find that the situation isn’t as bad as we thought, and more importantly, it could
potentially affect a positive outcome.
- How often do we misinterpret the actions of others?
- Does our impatience blind us to what is happening right in front of our eyes?
Think of the times when you have gotten impatient and agitated and reflect as to how that had no definitive affect
on the outcome other than your own irritation. The next time you are on a long supermarket line or stuck in traffic,
I invite you to consider staying calm and realizing that getting distressed doesn’t change the outcome.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I anxiously await hear-
ing about your experiences.
58
The Lone Cow 3/2009
Sometimes life can feel so bleak – so despairing as though things will never be right again. With people losing
their jobs on a daily basis, especially here in the U.S., people are angry, hurt, disappointed and most of all fright-
ened. This makes perfect sense, and those who are not personally affected can empathize and understand the
feelings and fear that people are going through at this time.
A former client, living with his girlfriend, knew that the relationship wasn’t going as well as he would have liked,
but he also knew that on some level, it was working. Suddenly, his girlfriend announced that she was leaving him
and moved out the following week. He was devastated and shocked. For several weeks, he felt rejected, angry,
sad, and confused. He couldn’t believe that she didn’t even discuss her plans but instead made a unanimous
decision.
After about a month, he decided that it was time to move on and focus on what he did want out of life. He joined
a tennis league, took some art courses, initiated a men’s discussion group, and eventually began dating again.
The result: He moved to another city, met a fabulous woman and is happily married. Too often, we stay compla-
cent with what we have and ‘muddle’ rather than ‘get rid of dead weight’ and move on.
Frequently, when we are at our lowest point, when we believe that we are ‘finished’ – therein lies an op-
portunity that we are not yet aware of.
This story arrived in my inbox and illustrates the point.
THE LONE COW (author unknown)

A wise man was walking with his student and conversing about the importance of visiting new places and meet-
ing new people, and the knowledge one can gain from these experiences. They came upon a very poor area and
passed a rundown house where they saw a couple with their children.
All five were dressed in torn clothes and no shoes. The house was severely neglected. The wise man approached
the father and inquired as to how he managed to survive in this impoverished area where there was no com-
merce or work opportunity. The man answered that the family owned a small cow that produced some milk; some
of which they traded in the nearby town for other food, and the rest they used to make some cheese and yogurt
for themselves. That is how they survived. The wise man thanked him for his honesty and went on his way.
As they walked on, the wise man told his student that he must go back, find the cow, and throw it over the abyss.
The student was shocked and tried to convince his teacher that this would be a mistake, that it would surely
destroy the poor family. The wise man listened and then walked away. Being faithful, the student went back and
fulfilled his teacher’s wish, but the picture of the cow falling down the abyss kept torturing him.
The student was never able to completely forget the incident. Years later he went back to see if there was any
way he could help the family or possibly repay them for the suffering he had caused. As he approached the area,
he immediately noticed a change, everything looked nice and well kept. He became very depressed and was
sure that the family, after losing their one cow, had been forced from their house and land just to survive. He saw
a new house in place of the old one, and as he approached the house he saw a vaguely familiar man.
He inquired about the poor family with the single cow that used to live there, and he was told that the same family
still lives there. He then asked how they had managed to pull out of such dire poverty and become successful.
The man smiled and told him that a few years ago their only cow had suddenly disappeared and that initially they
were in shock; but as a result they had to develop new skills and find new ways to survive. The man admitted
that the loss of the cow had been the best thing that ever happened to the family.
What are we holding onto that doesn’t serve us? What is holding us back?
-- Is it a relationship?
-- Is it work that you dislike?
-- Is it the place where you live?
What could you let go of that could open up space for something new, different, and potentially better to enter?
59
Letting Go 4/2009
“Human nature has an unhealthy need to control or to be controlled. No one is excluded; every one of
us has the ability to be either a controller or a controllee, or both.” Pastor Dick
“The detachment of the wise man is not the detachment from people or situations, but from his ideas and
attitudes about people or situations.” Unknown
One of the hardest things for us as human beings is to simply let other people do things their way. It may not be
‘our’ way or the way that we see as ideal, but that doesn’t mean that we are right and they are wrong. It simply
means that we need to LET GO of the way that we believe is the ‘right way.’
We want to be the stage director for other people’s lives and actions. Letting go is an act by which you
release your need to control every situation, person, place or thing. By letting go and detaching from the
outcome, it frees us to make better decisions.
Recently when vacationing in Jamaica with a friend, the first thing I did was adjust my watch to their time zone.
My friend chose not to change his and kept it on NY time. I found myself eager to tell him to change his watch.
Instead of telling, I thought I would suggest it or question him. Instead, I kept my mouth shut. Why? Because I
realized that it is none of my business. He is old enough and smart enough to make his own decisions about
how he wants to deal with the time change. That’s when I realized how our need and desire to control is so
pervasive. I wanted to control how he managed the time change!
A client was struggling with frustration and worry because he was insistent on making sure that every project
was done perfectly. He believed that if he followed the project through to the bitter end, no matter how much
time it took, and then rechecked to make sure everything was perfect, then he would be in control of his potential
promotion. In the meantime, he was constantly exhausted. What he came to understand is that by doing his
best work and giving his best effort was the only part in his control. The outcome is beyond it. Once he
realized that by letting go of the outcome and trusting that it would turn out okay because of his concerted effort,
he began to relax and felt a huge sense of freedom and lightness.
Another client talked about her careful preparations for her dinner party. She planned the menu, prepared, and
served the food. At the end, she realized that she had forgotten to serve one of the vegetables. Instead of giving
herself a hard time and feeling badly, she immediately knew that there was nothing she could do about it and
rather than dwelling on the oversight, she simply let it go. When people can do this, their life becomes so
much easier, provides freedom, and allows for fun.
We tend to believe that by controlling and worrying we will affect the outcome we desire. Ironically, trying
to control an outcome usually keeps it from happening the way we want.
Letting go involves our detaching from people, places or things that hook us emotionally. We believe:
--that only I can solve the problem
--it is up to me to do it perfectly and quickly
--if I don’t solve things, people will see me as a failure
--it is up to me to tell people what to do
--If I don’t fix things, people will not need me.
People have a hard time believing this concept - so it’s easier one step at a time. The first step is to look at what
it’s costing you to be in everyone’s business; to think that you can control the outcome? Notice how you are
feeling, thinking, behaving. This is when we realize that what we are doing is not affecting the outcome, and it’s
either keeping us far too busy or frustrated.
By letting go of things that we can’t control or change, it allow others to take responsibility for them-
selves and it frees up your time and energy.
Imagine doing your best and letting go of the outcome. Think about the times when you teach your children,
students, friends, colleagues something new. You explain it the best way you know how - you remain available
for questions BUT you don’t concern yourself with the end result. Interestingly, you may discover that it does or
doesn’t work as you had hoped, but everyone survives and you are free to move on, relax, feel peaceful, and
have energy and strength to pursue your own interests. Keep in mind that letting go is not the end of the world,
but rather it is the beginning of a new life.
“Show up. Speak the truth. And let go of results. The present will create the future.”
Resources: James J. Messina, PhD - coping.org; Michelle Smeby - callalilynetworks.com; 12 Step Programs
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I anxiously await hearing about
your experiences.
60
Lantern Lights 5/2009
At a PhD graduation that I recently attended, I was struck by a story that was delivered in a speech. (Source unknown)
Instead of my usual format of sticking with one theme and expounding, I thought it best to let you decide what
you are taking away from the story. I will offer several possibilities of things to think about depending upon the
way in which the story resonates for you. *************
Many years ago before there were gates and signals at railroad crossings, there was a man stationed in a booth
who monitored the trains and watched out for the approaching cars.
One day he noticed the lights of a train from a distance that would pass through the crossing where he was sta-
tioned. When he looked again, he noticed a car’s headlights approaching the intersection and realized that there
was impending danger of an accident.
He immediately grabbed his lanterns and ran towards the approaching car to signal that it should stop before it
reached the train tracks.
As he got closer to the intersection, he realized that the driver didn’t notice him as the car’s speed remained
constant. In a panic, he began swinging the lanterns faster and more furiously hoping to alert the driver of the
impending train.
Unfortunately, the driver never saw the lanterns and was killed on the railroad tracks as the train struck the car.
The family of the driver decided to sue the railroad company for negligence and failure to set up sufficient signals.
The trial began and the man monitoring the booth became the star witness - and only witness. He was called to
the stand to testify.
On the stand, he explained how he noticed the impending danger and immediately left his post to warn the driver
by shining the lanterns. When he realized that the driver wasn’t responding, he reported how he began to swing
the lanterns faster and more furiously.
The jury found the railroad company not liable for the driver’s death.
After the trial, the representatives from the railroad spoke with the man to thank him profusely for his testimony
- as it clearly allowed the jury to return a not guilty verdict in favor of the railroad.
The man then admitted that in fact, he was feeling very guilty. They couldn’t understand why when his testimony
was so accurate and helpful.
He said “I don’t know what I would have done if they had asked me one other question.” Curious, they asked him,
“What question?” He said “They never asked me if the lantern lights were turned on.”
Choose as few or as many of the following possible ‘morals of the story’ and think about how it affects your life.
1 - Things are not always what they seem to be. We might believe that we are moving in a direction by thinking
and doing but actually not really accomplishing. We aren’t really present and in the moment. It’s as if we are
operating without OUR lights on.
2 - We are so adept at making assumptions that we forget to get curious and interested in what someone else is
saying because we think we already know. It’s possible that when we want to know something, we may not be
asking the ‘right’ questions that could get us closer to what is most important.
3 - At times we believe we are doing our best, but it’s possible that we could be doing even better. It can even be
our inner voice praising ourselves for doing well. Keep in mind, it’s the same inner voice that often criticizes us.
No matter how we look at it, the inner voice is only our ego (thoughts and beliefs) and not our true Self.
4 - What is NOT said is sometimes far more important than what is actually said. Typically, there is important
information to be learned from the unspoken words underneath or between our speech.
5 - We all make mistakes and some of them are costly. However, if our intentions are pure and there is a negative
outcome, we can feel badly about the outcome but not necessarily about our part. We can’t change the past and
what we did, if at the time, we believed we were acting in good conscience.
61
Parking Karma 6/2009
It’s choice - not chance - that determines your destiny. Author: Jean Nidetch
Some people seem to have all the luck. Some go around saying things like “I’ve never won a raffle so why
bother? I know I won’t win.”
What about the opposite thought?
Some people believe they will win. Some seem to have ‘all the luck.’
What makes the difference between these attitudes?
We could say that history and experience play a part in our attitudes.
What stops someone from shifting to a brighter outlook?
A few weeks ago I had a dream about leaving a parking garage with several possible paths to various exits. Each
exit posted the street name and in the dream I remember looking out at all of the options before choosing the
pathway to the exit I wanted. That led me to thinking about the choices we make.
I have a reputation for consistently finding a parking space near my destination no matter how high the odds are
stacked against me. It seems uncanny, and most of my friends are astonished as they experience my confidence.
If wasn’t until one friend questioned me when I realized there are several factors besides luck going on. And, I also
realized that by using the analogy of finding a good parking space, it can translate into many aspects of our lives.
The dream helped me to realize the process. First off, when I set out for my destination, I envision parking my
car. As I approach my destination, I begin looking - not just for an empty space but for people walking on the
sidewalks or in the street. Do they have keys in hand? A dog on a leash? Are they walking slowly? I also scout
out the entire block up ahead if possible. I look for car lights, blinkers, and oftentimes for open spaces that don’t
readily appear to be parking spots (i.e. on a corner).
This describes the ability to anticipate and look at options while TRULY believing in a positive outcome.
How can we translate this concept into our lives? Are we walking around feeling doom and gloom - that things
won’t work out so why bother? Or, are we feeling overly confident and cocky and therefore taking things for
granted? Perhaps it’s about feeling confident, but at the same time being aware of possibilities and making good
choices.
While many people refer to the highly touted movie “The Secret” and found it to be filled with seemingly impos-
sible and unbelievable scenarios, I do think there is something to be said for truly believing that something will
happen - no holds barred.
It seems as though we have a tendency to filter or exclude some options without realizing it. Example:
“This year I want to be a successful entrepreneur.” At the end of the year when that isn’t the case, most people
will say “Well, it was a nice wish, maybe next year.”
However, if we examine the thinking behind the wish what we typically find is that there are many nega-
tive thoughts associated with it. When a client actually expressed this wish, I asked about any associations
she had with entrepreneurs. She said, “they are greedy; they tend to make bad decisions; they are isolated; little
time for play, etc.” So it’s no wonder with these hidden ideas that the desire doesn’t manifest.
The same thing is true for anything we want in our lives. We tend to make choices based upon our underlying
ideas and thoughts that we may not be aware of. If somewhere inside of us we believe that something will
not really happen, chances are we will make choices that don’t effectively support the goal. And, that is not
to say that the opposite is true, but at least we would make choices that will support what it is that we really want.
Think about something that you really want in your life that hasn’t happened yet. What might be some of the hid-
den thoughts that you harbor?
Examples:
--If I’m really successful, I will not have time for my family.
--If I get the job, it will mean crazy hours.
--If I leave this relationship, I will never find another.
Ultimately, unless you TRULY believe something can occur, it likely will not.
62
What Will They Say? 7/2009
Imagine what it would be like to sit in the front row of your funeral and hear what everyone says about you. (From
the movie Waking Ned Devine)
This is not meant to be morbid but rather a way for us to embrace our strengths, our essence, and our contribu-
tion to the world. All too often, we don’t acknowledge what we bring to the table in our relationships.
The main character in the movie had the opportunity to praise his good friend while his friend was still alive. What
an incredible occasion for both of them. One got to express his sincere feelings and the other got to hear them
firsthand.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful to hear all those nice things while we are here and appreciated right now?
Most of us don’t realize what we bring to this world or how much we contribute. Typically, we shortchange our-
selves when we think of our value, strengths, and positive behaviors. We get trapped in shame and fear
concerning our ability to witness our own beauty, talent, and goodness.
Recently, I reconnected with friends from summer camp from about 50 years ago! We were young children when
we met and lost touch when we were about 14. The thing that stood out the most for each of us was how
much of our essence was exactly the same. Yes, we have aged, have lived through varying experiences -
some good, some bad, but in the end, our true nature from childhood was still evident.
It was fascinating to me how many people remembered my curly hair, my smile, my spirit, and my ability to or-
ganize and ‘get things done.’ That’s when I realized that people GENERALLY fall into one of two categories:
either create and think up great ideas or execute them and bring them to fruition.
Neither is better or worse. Without organizers, all the great ideas would remain as a bunch of great ideas. With-
out creators, the organizers would have nothing to pull together. When someone came up with the idea for a
reunion, I started making arrangements.
What else is part of our true nature - our essence? We could say pessimists and optimists; big-picture people
and detail oriented ones; black/white thinking and often looking at the gray; leaders and followers; ambitious and
laid back; etc.
Are we walking around with a heart of gold and would give anything for anyone? Are we masking who we really
are because of our baggage that we carry around wherever we go?
What part have our experiences played in who we are today? And what is part of our true nature?
It seemed that organizing and pulling together was already part of my nature as a child. And, they remembered
my creative story telling even though if you asked me as an adult, I would likely say that I am not particularly
creative.
Yet, it seems that I have honed my talent for creative story telling into my teaching and coaching. For me per-
sonally, my erroneous thinking becomes apparent when people tell me how much our conversation has helped
them. It’s hard for me to accept that what I do naturally could have such a positive impact. We tend to dismiss
as negligible or immaterial that which we offer to the world so easily.
How often do we take the time to let people in our lives know the good that they bring into them? We
spend a lot of time dwelling on the negative behaviors, and if we do notice good things, our tendency is not to
share our appreciation. When was the last time you told a friend WHY you relish the friendship? What
makes him/her so special to you?
Consider making a list of all the people that are important to you.
Then ponder asking the following questions and SHARING your answers with those you truly care about.
-- What makes this person important to me?
-- What is special about this person that I appreciate?
-- What has stopped me from sharing my feelings and thoughts before now?
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I anxiously await hearing about
your experiences.
63
Far Too Nice 8/2009
Far too often we get into relationships that don’t serve our best interests. This is especially true of people who
like to be in a care-taking role. They tend to confuse caring for people with taking care of them.
The propensity is to care about everyone else’s well-being – except themselves; also, to do and give
more than what is received for fear of losing their love. People who put themselves last usually aren’t aware
of the consequences. Oftentimes, they aren’t even aware of just how unhealthy the relationship is and the harm
that is being done.
A client was relating a story about her mother being abusive and nasty. Yet, as the daughter, she wants her
mother’s love so desperately that she is willing to ‘put up with’ awful, unacceptable behavior just so that she can
remain in relationship with her. Some of the consequences:
--She winds up feeling awful about herself for tolerating the abuse.
--She never really gets her needs met - to feel loved and cared about.
--She complains often, nothing changes and is afraid to say what she really feels.
--She has unrealistic expectations and constant disappointment.
--She is unable to ask for what she wants believing she will be rejected.
--She tends to minimize just how bad the situation is in order to endure it.
--Her mother is allowed to continue her terrible behavior.
Another client frequently complains about her boss and co-workers. She feels as though too many demands
are placed on her, and she is constantly helping others and not getting her own work accomplished. When we
discussed this, she realized that she volunteers to help others – it is not required. Therefore, we looked at her
motivation for doing so. She discovered that her need to feel important is so strong that she went to all
lengths to get it filled by other people because she couldn’t feel her value by herself.
Another client just ended a ten-year relationship when realizing that she was being manipulated by money. Her
need to make sure that everyone around her feels good and gets the best care possible didn’t allow her to do
the same for herself. It wasn’t until the other person became outwardly nasty that she began to question the
relationship. Then she realized that he used his money as a way to consistently hook her back into the
relationship. As soon as she complained, he offered to buy something that he knew she wanted, and with that,
she stopped complaining and continued her care-giving role. It became a vicious cycle.
These are some examples that demonstrate how we minimize what we need for the sake of pleasing other
people. In turn, it is our way of getting a need met in an unhealthy way that we aren’t even aware exists.
What can we do about this?
The first step is to become aware of all of your relationship dynamics.
-- What is your part in making the relationship work?
-- Are you exhibiting healthy boundaries and behaviors?
-- Are you sacrificing yourself in some way to keep the relationship going?
-- Are you happy solving other people’s problems – but not your own?
-- Do you feel responsible for other people and how they are doing?
OR on the flip side…..
Are you smugly getting what you want without regard for the other person?
Once we become aware, we notice that we feel powerless in this dynamic. The easiest way we know how to
feel worthwhile is to meet the other person’s needs so that they will care about us. This provides tempo-
rary strength and ‘supposed’ control.
In order to break this cycle, people need to form healthy boundaries. They need to learn how to self-care with-
out guilt and to appreciate the other person but not lose themselves in the process. See Boundaries Audio
(http://www.lifecoachinggroup.com/boundaries.php) and read Setting Limits Page 25 - 3/28/06
Relationships of any kind are complicated. That doesn’t mean they can’t be reciprocal and loving. We don’t have
to love our boss, but we can stand up and share when a behavior is unacceptable to us.
Examine each of your relationships. Notice if you feel any resentment. Think about the dynamics when it works well
and when it doesn’t. What is your part? Does something need to shift so that you can feel better about yourself?
What do you need to let go of to gain a healthy, objective point of view? Keep in mind that we are not respon-
sible for other people’s behaviors and they are not responsible for our well-being.
64
Pain and Suffering 9/2009
Pain is no longer pain when it is past. Margaret J. Preston
Life is full of joy and sorrow and everything in between. Kahlil Gibran writes in The Prophet - “Your joy is your
sorrow unmasked. When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has
given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that
in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
This doesn’t mean that life is a constant either/or. It means that it’s the way it’s supposed to be.... Whatever that is.
It is natural to feel angry, disappointed, or sad when a relationship ends, or when a close relative passes away, or
when someone we love gets ill. And, I subscribe to the Buddhist philosophy that suffering is optional when
painful things occur. That is we are at choice as to how we want to view our situations. The broader the
perspective we can create, the easier it is to ‘swallow the pain,’ move beyond it, and leave it behind.
The anguish that we feel comes from our thoughts and attaching ourselves to transient things. Some
reasons for suffering are desire, pursuit, and craving. Because we tend to attach to non-permanent things
where loss is naturally inevitable, suffering follows.
Additionally, when we dwell on our problems and misery, we might want to question what is the benefit of doing
that? Inevitably, people almost always answer ‘there is no benefit.’ Yet, logically there must be one. Otherwise,
people would change their attitude; so something is holding the negative thinking in place. There is a more
subtle underlying reason why we want to keep the pain and anguish with us, i.e., we get more attention;
we feel more important; feeling sorry or sad is more familiar and comfortable, etc.
A former client was in an abusive marriage enduring frequent emotional pain. Despite amazing business oppor-
tunities, she remained focused on her relationship. We looked at the ‘benefit’ for choosing to stay. It was her fear
of being alone. Once she recognized that she was at choice and ‘alone’ didn’t necessarily equal lonely (pain),
she could let go of the relationship, begin to expand her thinking, and choose to move forward instead of recur-
rent pain.
There is always someone suffering or in distress. It’s what we do with our pain that makes the difference.
An old Master asked a young man to put salt in a glass of water and drink it. He asked him how it tasted and the
boy replied ‘terrible.’ He then took him to a lake and asked him to put the same amount of salt into the water and
drink from the lake. Of course, the boy said the water tasted fine. The salt equals the pain - the same amount
each time. However, it is the container we put it into that makes the difference. If we expand and enlarge
our view, the pain seems to dissipate.
Modern version:
In the current movie, Love Happens, the seminar leader takes a group of people onto a crowded street and
stops traffic. He asks the people to share what they are hearing and seeing. They say things like: honking horns,
cement, lights, traffic, people rushing around. Then he takes them to a rooftop overlooking the city and asks
the same question. This time they talk about the rivers, the beauty, the lights, the architecture, the sky, etc. He
explains that it’s the same city but from a different perspective - with a broader view.
When we feel pain, it is typically because we are focused on it - both physical and mental. If we can expand our
mindset to a bigger, broader viewpoint, we can see that no matter how great the pain, the world still turns and
people go about their business as usual. It is when we can see a bigger container that our pain can diminish.
--When have you experienced pain because you have attached to something fleeting believing it would be per-
manent?
--Are you still feeling it? or What opened your eyes to change how you felt?
--How can you use your knowledge and expand your container to help in current or future situations when you
experience pain or heartbreak?
65
Trigger Points 10/2009
Have you ever noticed how the music playing in a store affects your making a purchase as well as how long you
remain in the store? Even the music in the elevator could affect your mood as you enter your business meeting.
These are some simplistic, but apparent ways that we are subtly influenced.
Very often we hear or read things that set our minds into orbit and off on a tangent. That is, we are reminded
about something completely different than what is at hand. Often, we aren’t aware of how this happens and can’t
imagine why we feel upset or disturbed by something that seems so innocent.
Without realizing it, we can be triggered by a smell, touch, taste, seeing, or hearing something. It may not be
clear in the moment why we would think positively or negatively about the event since it’s actually neutral.
Imagine walking into a friend’s house and smelling fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. Suddenly you feel very
sad and melancholy. Because it makes no sense, your tendency is probably to dismiss it. However, if you take
a moment, you realize the smell triggers memories of your deceased grandmother because as a child you often
baked cookies together.
A client was sharing a story about an email where she felt ‘bothered’ by a statement - a twinge of feeling hurt -
but didn’t really acknowledge or recognize it. Subconsciously, she replied as though she was hurt and her reply
made no sense to the other person. When we gave it careful thought, she realized that it reminded her of a past
relationship where the person said similar things. In this case, it was perfectly innocuous and had no other con-
notation, but her mind didn’t stop to think that way. Instead, she was triggered and had a reaction.
It is useful to distinguish a reaction from a response. When we REACT, we are triggered and our behavior is
based on our thoughts and feelings about what we think is going on. When we RESPOND, we are in the
moment (totally present) and address or reply to what is actually in front of us.
Triggers are often subtle and can catch us off guard. The key is that something doesn’t seem to add up; it
just doesn’t make sense; it doesn’t feel right; it creates a feeling of any kind.
Some people have a habit of interrupting when someone else is speaking. For some of us, it’s annoying and we
simply say, “May I please finish.” However, for others, they go crazy and it can go as deep as feeling as though
they have no value, aren’t important, and actually feel offended.
What makes the difference?
In the more extreme case, as a child, the client’s parents never let him finish his story and didn’t pay much atten-
tion to what he said because they were too preoccupied. So, in adulthood, the client is triggered by his childhood
memory and feels as though he has no value whenever he is interrupted.
Triggers are starting points that ‘set off’ messages or generate thoughts that may or may not be relevant
to the current situation.
Time and again friends relate a story to us about another person. When we think we know how the story will
end, we hardly listen. Instead of staying focused on our friend and the person in the story, our minds might stray
into the ending that we anticipate. When the other person says “and this time, it was different,” we can barely
hear that because our minds went straight to ‘same old’ story. Other times, we might think about how the story re-
lates to our lives. A story can trigger something in us that has no relevance to what is occurring in the moment.
Think of a time when you felt a visceral reaction to a comment, a message, a person - especially anger or out-
rage. Instead of waiting, you immediately spoke or wrote out of that emotional place. Typically, that later pro-
duces regrets.
Perhaps you can think of a time when you were triggered and wanted to quickly reply, but instead, you took
some time to cool down or to reflect, and by the time you responded, it was from a more neutral place and had
a positive outcome.
Considering this awareness, what will you do the next time negative or inconsistent emotion or feelings
arise in a situation?
66
Reason, Season, Lifetime 11/2009
People come and go throughout our lives. Some, become a distant memory; others remain with us in our
thoughts and some in our hearts.
When relationships or friendships end, or when someone passes away, emotions arise. At times, we may feel
peace and contentment, but more often, we are surprised, saddened, disappointed, or hurt.
Even though many of you have already read or heard this poem before, if you use it as a framework for the rela-
tionships throughout your life - present or past, it can be helpful and sometimes comforting to know why people
were with you only for a while.
According to this poem, there are three basic explanations as to why people enter and exit our lives.
Reason, Season, or Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled;
their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships
and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
When people leave, whether or not by choice, IF we can believe and accept that the person was in our life for a
‘reason’ or a ‘season’ (or both), we can let them go gracefully and with gratitude. It may not be as long as we’d
like, but we can take comfort in knowing that we had their presence for the ‘right’ amount of time to get
exactly what we needed from the relationship.
One of my friends who passed away was clearly in my life for a ‘reason.’ She introduced me to many new friends,
new concepts, new ideas, a different way of living. Because of her, my views broadened (eyes were open wider),
and it allowed me to see things from a new perspective.
Another friend, with whom I was romantically involved, was in my life for 19 years, and suddenly vanished. It
seemed inconceivable. Somehow, I found it comforting to see the relationship from the perspective that he was
there for a “season” - albeit, a long one. The relationship taught me so much about myself, and about relation-
ships in general. It helped shape who I am today. I got what I needed - it ran its course. Without that experience,
I would not have been open and primed for my current relationship.
We never have a guarantee as to who will be with us ‘forever.’ Unexpectedly, some may turn out to be
temporary relationships. No matter what, each person has changed us in some way - harmed us, helped us,
given us a new perspective, taught us something new, etc. (If we were harmed, the lesson might include learning
about forgiveness and healing.)
‘Lifetimers’ are the ones we know until we die--the guides, anchors, companions, and beloveds who remain with
us until one or the other dies.
Reflect upon people who have left you - for any reason. If it was a painful experience, think of the reason/season/
lifetime framework, and see if you can realize why it was the appropriate amount of time for that relationship.
Reference: http://blog.beliefnet.com/freshliving/2009 - Valerie Reiss
67
Reach Out 12/2009
Many may remember the slogan “Reach Out and Touch Someone” from a telephone advertisement. Considering
how our world is functioning, this may be a good time to take the advice to heart.
It doesn’t necessarily mean call someone, but the concept does suggest that we do something outside of
ourselves that could positively benefit another human being.
While we:
-- hear about troops going to the Middle East
-- read about and see homeless people
-- know many people afflicted with disease
-- know people who have lost their jobs
-- know of families that are barely making ends meet, etc.
What is allowing many of us to be so complacent?
Over the years, I’ve often read about gratitude journals and thought about it as a ‘nice’ concept but not something
that resonated with me.
Recently at a lecture, I heard Positive Psychology, Harvard professor Tal Ben-Shahar talk about his gratitude
ritual that he does with every member of his family. At the end of every day, each person has to share 5
things they are grateful for. What resonated for me was the joy with which he described the process and the
obvious love that was shared among the family members.
Accordingly, I thought I would give it a try and see if it makes any difference. Each day (either before sleeping or
when I wake up) I literally say out loud 5 things that I’m grateful for. Sometimes they are simple things that I nor-
mally take for granted such as my comforter, water, or heat in the winter. Sometimes they are the trees outside of
my window, specific friends or conversations, or my children. I’ve noticed that I’m feeling distinctly happier when
my list is complete. I feel a great deal of satisfaction in knowing that I have so many good things in my life.
So what about those people who do have good things but also have a great deal of pain, loss, and suffer-
ing. How can we reach out and make a difference? While many people wait until the end of the year to make
donations because of tax write-offs, what about donating clothing and other items at any point during the year?
What about volunteering some time at a soup kitchen? What about looking for local charity organizations in your
area and finding out how you can best help them? What about something as simple as calling someone or
sending a note?
What would it be like to reflect and think about those that are less fortunate? We know there are people ev-
erywhere who are struggling. By reaching out, we can find one more thing to be grateful for - the joy of
giving to another human being.
Here’s a related story. The Sower’s Seeds by Brian Cavanaugh, T.O.R.
“There is an old Chinese tale about a woman whose only son died. In her grief, she went to the holy man and
said, “What prayers, what magical incantations do you have to bring my son back to life?”
Instead of sending her away or reasoning with her, he said, “Fetch me a mustard seed from a home that has
never known sorrow. We will use it to drive the sorrow out of your life.” The woman went right off in search of that
magical mustard seed.
She came first to a splendid mansion, knocked at the door, and said, “I am looking for a home that has never
known sorrow. Is this such a place? It is very important to me.”
They told her, “You’ve certainly come to the wrong place,” and began to describe all the tragic things that recently
had befallen them.
The woman said to herself, “Who is better able to help these poor, unfortunate people than I, who have had mis-
fortune of my my own?” She stayed to comfort them, then went on in search of a home that had never known sorrow.
But wherever she turned, in hovels and in other places, she found one tale after another of sadness and misfor-
tune. She became so involved in ministering to other people’s grief that ultimately she forgot about her quest for
the magical mustard seed, never realizing that it had, in fact, driven the sorrow out of her life.”
--What are the things that you are grateful for?
--What can you do to reach out and ‘touch someone’ who is less fortunate?
68
Ouch! That Hurts 1/2010
Typically, once someone has hurt us, our inclination is to shy away, shut down, and perhaps avoid the person for
fear of it happening again. Ironically, that gives our power over to the other person and diminishes us.
This issue is based upon a concept from the book: The Five Things We Cannot Change... and the Happiness
We Find by Embracing Them by David Richo, Ph.D., M.F.T.
The premise is that there are five ‘givens’ or truths about life. If we can accept and completely embrace them,
we find liberation and happiness.
Logically, it makes perfect sense. Richo talks about 5 concepts that cause undue stress and pain in our lives.
The focus here is on one of the five: People are not loving and loyal all the time.
The Given Our Fear Around It How We Mask Our Fear What to Embrace
People are not always We will feel hurt and Stay away from closeness Speak up and say “Ouch!”
loving and loyal have to grieve in the future while not retaliating
A client related a story about a management meeting she attended with her colleagues. In the meeting, a col-
league chastised her for not following up properly regarding a team member. Later, she apologized. Instead of
my client accepting the apology and saying ‘thank you’ and/or admitting that she felt humiliated, she dismissed
it as ‘no big deal’ and let her off the hook. Yet, she was pained, and in the moment, chose to disregard it rather
than face it.
In retrospect she has regrets. She realized that by speaking up and saying “Ouch!” or accepting the apol-
ogy, she would have immediately released any thoughts of the incident. Instead, she held on to the
negative energy and wasn’t true to herself.
All too often, our tendency is to dismiss or minimize painful things because of the fear and ideas we
have invented. We fear that it will be too upsetting to address.
On the contrary, the sooner we address the pain, the sooner we can move on. Oftentimes, when we dismiss
it, we want to retaliate. We may plot and plan as to how we will create ‘payback’ for the pain they inflicted. Unfor-
tunately, that keeps the pain ‘alive and well’ instead of acknowledging it and getting on with our lives.
Another client shared an incident where he was in a group and a member disclosed confidential information
about him. He knew in the moment that he was upset but dismissed it as “okay” because it related to the overall
topic. Again, upon reflection - and still feeling pained, he realized that he needed to speak up in the moment
and stop the person from continuing to speak about him. He sent a private e-mail expressing his disappoint-
ment and then felt able to let it go. The person responded with an explanation..... and my client let that be the
last correspondence. Go to “Apology Accepted” 4/2006 on page 26.
Imagine truly accepting the ‘given’ that people are not always loving and loyal. It makes it so much easier, on a
grander scale, to know this and not get as ambushed when someone says something that isn’t loving or loyal.
Envision how it would be when someone says something that pains you and you simply say “Ouch! that really
bothered me.” And, when (IF) the person apologizes, you simply say “thank you.” When someone says some-
thing hurtful, we might be so upset or hurt in the moment that we become inflammatory with negative conse-
quences. Rather than silence or retaliation, we can speak with the right to reserve further discussion. We
could say something like “I have a problem with that but don’t want to discuss it now.”
By admitting there is pain when it occurs (or close to), we can let it go instead of harboring bad feelings.
Think of a time when someone said something and you felt hurt. Rather than speak up, you simply retreated or
believed that you would move on. You can probably still recall the incident. That probably means that you haven’t
really let it go because it wasn’t properly addressed at the time.
We can’t change the past; we can only live in the present. From this point forward, perhaps you can vow to
practice acknowledging pain in the moment or shortly thereafter.
And, if someone apologizes, simply say, ‘thank you’ so there won’t be any residue or negative energy remaining.
69
Up and Down Relationships 2/2010
As we add to our life experience, we have a tendency to spend more or less time with certain people - depending
upon our needs and values at any given point. People that we used to love spending time with may no longer feel
satisfying. We may gravitate towards new people or perhaps increase our time with someone whom we used to
spend very little time. What’s going on?
The bottom line is that relationships fluctuate over time and that’s okay. When we think about it, it
doesn’t make sense that a relationship will necessarily ‘stay the same.’ The individuals, and the relation-
ship itself changes and grows with life experience.
I had a friend with whom I shared so many things and vice versa. We became very close and cherished the
friendship. Over time, we were changing, and I noticed things that no longer aligned with my values. I started
to openly question the things that didn’t feel right for me. I kept feeling as though I had to remain friends even
though it sometimes seemed hypocritical. Then it occurred to me that if we continued to enjoy certain activities
together (i.e. concerts or lectures), that would be enough.
With another friend, it was just the opposite. We got together when it worked in our schedules, but each time
we were together, we noticed how invigorating our conversations were and how much we enjoyed our time. So
I made a point of getting together more often and elevating the closeness of the relationship.
From these examples, it occurred to me that not only do relationships fluctuate, but also that we can make
conscious choices about who, how often, and in what way we spend our time with someone. We may
realize that limiting or increasing our time and energy with one or another person makes sense. Accordingly, be-
gin looking at all of your relationships and what you expect, need, and want from them. Below is a chart
outlining the different levels.
We can mentally choose where someone fits in -- up or down depending on where we are in our lives. Of
course, this can fluctuate and is not arbitrary as it takes two to be in any relationship.
Level Description
TOP = Highest Possible Challenges you, supports your growth and well-being, uncritical, loving, and
holds you to a high standard
STANDARD = Most Common Status quo, sharing, accepts you as you are but doesn’t challenge you to be better
BASIC = Acquaintance Activity partner (walking, tennis), neighbor, co-worker, shopkeeper
LOW = Undesirable Negative, draining, difficult to be around, unpleasant
Based on the personal examples mentioned, I noticed one friend moved from Top to Standard to Basic and how
well that worked for both of us. The expectations, disappointments, and challenges no longer got in the way. The
other friend moved from Standard to Top because it fit for both of us. We challenge each other to be our best,
and we are willing to hold each other to a high standard - in a good way. Choosing certain people in our lives
potentially allows us to be more productive, happier, and successful.
Looking at the levels, we may want to move people up or down. And, actually consider not associating
with Low level people. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s a family person or a boss - in which case, we realize where
they fit in and accept that higher expectations are probably fruitless. If we want to elevate a relationship (get
closer), we can consider asking the following questions:
What are the things about our relationship that make it special for you?
What is it about our relationship that you would like to see improve?
This has the potential of opening the relationship to profound dialog and deepening the friendship.
Perhaps it’s a good time to examine and change some of your relationships.
• Where does he/she fit in with where you are right now in your life?
• Is the person capable of giving you what you need?
• If you are accepted for who you are but not challenged to be your best, do you want to change or leave it as is?
• Do you enjoy his/her company only at certain times, in specific ways, and want to emphasize that aspect
of the relationship?
• Are there people you want to include more often; others less often?
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I look forward to hear-
70
Say it Simply 3/2010
When people communicate, they believe that they are making clear points and being heard. As the receiver,
often we know otherwise. Therefore, it behooves you to become more aware of HOW and WHAT you say if
you really want to be heard. Otherwise, why bother speaking?
A study was conducted measuring several aspects of communication such as: Empathizing, receiving the mes-
sage, understanding, giving/receiving feedback, transmitting your message, etc.
A fascinating statistic (in my mind) was that the ‘self-assessment’ score was consistently higher than the supervi-
sor or the peer had rated the person. In other words, we think we are doing a great job of communicating, but the
people around us don’t necessarily agree.
In actuality, it is crucial that we learn how to speak in a way that helps us get what we want and in a way
that other people can actually hear us.
Which one would you prefer?
“I’m sorry. I tried to get it done but so many things got in my way, and I just didn’t have enough time.” OR
“I planned to complete it, but unfortunately that isn’t the case.”
You speak all the time. What message are you delivering? Do others understand what you really mean?
what you need? what you are feeling?
Have you ever found yourself beating around the bush because you were afraid to say what was really on your
mind? AND
Have you ever just blurted out what was really on your mind and then had regrets about being so blunt?
Language is not easy - and communicating requires skill.
Communication patterns may be learned early on. As adults, we learn that it’s okay to express ourselves - and
the key is to be honest using the “I” message. (Read “I” Message: Why Bother? 4/21/2004 Page 2
Especially when you are fearful, angry, or hurt, the tendency is to complicate what we say and/or skirt
around it, babble, and many other tactics except for saying what you want to say simply and clearly,
thereby dishonoring yourself. Example: It’s not a problem that you can’t come for dinner because there will be
other people and maybe another time will work. vs. I am disappointed that you can’t join me for dinner.
At a conference, someone told a long detailed story about a decision she needed to make. Cheryl Richardson
(Coach extraordinaire) simply asked “What’s in your heart?” The simple, direct question stopped the woman in
her tracks. She smiled and said, “Thank you, now I know what I need to do.”
We need to practice communicating in healthy ways, and it’s easiest to do so with a person with whom
we feel safe and comfortable.
A client was angry because her friend was particularly late. When he called, she blasted him about not being
there. He asked “What are you really saying?” Then she got out of the emotional place and said, “I’m frustrated
and I’m jealous that someone else has your time besides me.” He replied, “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Once
we express what we want or feel simply and directly, the other person can hear us. When we babble and
ramble, it may feel good in the moment, bit it isn’t helping us make our point known.
Sometimes you may need to delay your response and give yourself time to think and figure out what you feel: “I
reserve the right to revisit this conversation.” It is also okay to prepare ahead of time for a difficult conversation.
Are you feeling as though you should say or not say something in a certain way? Should’s mean that it isn’t really
coming from our thinking but rather an outside source (society, parents, teachers, etc.)
When your heart and mind are clear, you are able to speak simply and directly. If you are cluttered with
‘shoulds’, what if’s, fear, emotion, or judgments, your message is cloudy.
You may have been the recipient or are guilty of any of the following:
• noticed you were tuning out because you had no clue about what was being said?
• got bored because the person was including so many details?
• were spoken to in a condescending manner as if you couldn’t possibly understand?
• couldn’t figure out what is wanted or asked for because it sounded so tentative? (I am just..., I only...,
I’m not sure..., I guess....)
• sarcastic comments that, at their core, are really mockery, ridicule, or contempt?
With time and practice, you can verbally own your power and speak simply and directly.
71 Decisions, Decisions 4/2010
Q: Five frogs are sitting on a log. Four decide to jump off. How many are left?
A: Five...... Why? Because there is a difference between deciding and doing. Mark L. Feldman & Michael F. Spratt
Should I move to another state away from my friends and family where I have a fabulous job offer OR should I
stay here near my friends and family and keep looking for a new job?
Seems like a common decision that people have to make. So, how do you decide? The conventional way is to
begin by listing pros and cons. Perhaps it even includes giving emphasis to the aspects that have greater value.
Yet, in the end, does this really help you make a sound decision?
Usually, we either feel relief or regret after making a decision. There may be a way to:
-- avoid or minimize regret
-- prevent making the decision based on ‘running away’ from what we currently have.
Ultimately, our decisions have both emotional and intellectual input even if we don’t realize it. The intel-
lectual way of reasoning can only go so far.
What I’ve discovered is a method that often helps to make a decision based on a realistic outcome.
Example: A client had to make a decision as to which school to attend. Each had pros and cons. So I painted two
pictures with details of each option as follows:
Suppose you have just chosen School A.
• You are close to home so you can visit your family and friends often.
• Your clothes work just fine because the climate is similar to what your current one.
• The school doesn’t offer the exact major or some of the classes you really wanted, and they are rather large
and impersonal.
• It’s hard to get an appointment with your professors.
• Your dormitory is far from the classrooms because it’s such a huge campus so you are constantly referring
to your campus map to get around.
Now, let’s suppose you have just chosen School B.
• You are far away from your friends and family so visiting them other than standard vacation time won’t be
easy.
• You had to buy a lot of new clothes because of the different climate.
• You love your classes - they are small with lots of attention and the professors seem to take a personal
interest in each student.
• You learned how to get around quickly because it’s not a very large campus and it’s easy to make new
friends.
• Often, you miss your friends and family.
How does this come across to you?
Inevitably, when painting a detailed picture that includes all of the pros and cons, sometimes with exaggeration,
AS THOUGH IT HAS ALREADY OCCURRED, we get a visceral reaction without realizing it. This even works for
those that normally don’t have easy access to their emotions. The key is to describe the situation has though
it is already a reality rather than something that will occur in the future. It allows you to truly picture yourself
in the situation and know what it is you really want.
“Running Away” Decision
Suppose you have a grueling job that requires constant overtime and occasional weekends. Your boss is de-
manding and micromanaging. You make a terrific salary, have great benefits, and wonderful co-workers. You
may choose your next position for the wrong reasons. Although, there is less time required, a kind boss, etc., you
make a lot less money and can’t stand your co-workers. What happened?
The decision was a reaction based upon your current situation vs. coming from a neutral place and really
imagining yourself already in that position. Had that been the case, you may have realized that the money,
benefits and great co-workers are more valuable to you.
The next time you have to make a decision (major or minor), paint a full picture with all of the pros and cons
using language that implies that the decision has already been made and the results are being realized.
Example: “I just sat around the pool, read a book, and sipped daiquiris.” vs. “I just got off the bus, my feet are
sore, and I just saw a beautiful mountain range with breathtaking views.” Include details to paint your picture.
Also, consider if your decision may be a ‘reaction’ to your current situation rather than coming from a neutral
place that truly supports your values and what works best for you.
72 Plan B 5/2010
“If you think in terms of a year, plant a seed; if in terms of ten years, plant trees; if in terms of 100 years,
teach the people.” Confucius
The alarm clock rings; we get out of bed and prepare for the day. We might check our calendar to see what is
scheduled. Or, the weekend is approaching and we have plans with the family and/or with friends. We have ev-
erything in place - or so it seems.
What prompted this topic was the volcanic ash spewed from Iceland. I kept thinking about the people who had
plans to visit, business meetings, a wedding, a funeral, a reunion, etc. and they were stranded and unable to
move forward with their well-conceived plans.
How many times have you plotted and planned and imagined how things would go and then something
interrupted the plan and it was changed forever?
How many people:
--get married and after a period of time realize it’s not what they hoped it would be?
--start a career only to realize that they aren’t really passionate about it and want to make a change?
--love what they do and come to work one day and find out they are being laid off?
Think about 9/11, Enron, John F. Kennedy, Lincoln, Natasha Richardson and many others whose lives and liveli-
hoods were terminated unexpectedly or permanently altered because of unexpected circumstances.
None of these things are planned. It’s called ‘life’ - and life happens and often does not proceed according to our
plans. In the book, The Five Things We Cannot Change (David Richo), one of them is:
“Things Do Not Always Go According to Plan”
Our Fear Around It How We Mask Our Fear What to Embrace
Our expectations will not be met Plan every detail and try to Accept what happens and learns from it
stay in control
Plans are made with the expectation that we are in control! In reality, we have no control beyond setting
up the plan. What happens next is usually a ‘bigger plan’ that we may not be privy to. The sooner we come
to terms with the fact that “things do not always go according to plan,” the sooner we can reduce our
stress, discomfort, anger, and anxiety.
After graduating from college, a client shared a story about plans to move to another city and find a suitable job.
Within weeks of graduation, he became seriously ill and recognized that all of his best laid plans would either
have to be put on hold or may never happen. Once he totally surrendered and accepted his situation, he could make
the best of the time period before resuming his intentions. (Eventually he went forward with the original plan.)
When plans fail or get altered by circumstances, our tendency is to feel disappointed and perhaps disillusioned.
Typically we react by feeling blame, fear (now what?), or anger. By definition, PLAN = something that somebody
intends or has arranged to do. Accepting that plans are an intention or arrangement can be valuable.
While we can advocate like crazy for something that we believe can be changed, the only solution to that
which cannot be changed is to surrender.
Recently, I planned a family visit on a particular day and time. Circumstances didn’t allow it to go how I had en-
visioned. At first, I felt annoyed. It took a while to realize that the original plan was not meant to be and that my
wanting it to be different was the only cause of my suffering.
When you give up seeking the safety of control, order, and foolproof rules, you can live as though every-
thing is moving toward what it is meant to become.
The bad breaks that happen in every life lead us to discover the meaning of karma - all actions have conse-
quences, and some we can’t anticipate. A story in Newsweek referred to two scientists working on a cure for
malaria. As children, one had malaria and the other tuberculosis. They said that their unexpected circumstances
led them to becoming world-renowned scientists.
Once we let go of believing that we know what is the best plan, and let go of the outcome, we will expend
a lot less wasted energy and feel a sense of calm far more often.
Think of a time when you had a great plan in place and something got in the way and you had to either forgo it
completely or make drastic changes.
How could you have prevented the gravity of your disappointment or anger or blame? What, if anything, did you
learn from your experience - other than plans don’t always work out as we expect?
73
Possibility 6/2010
Our thoughts help to create our reality. While you may not accept this premise - just imagine if it were true!
The perfect quote that explains this: If you think you can do it, or you think you can’t do it, you are right.
Henry Ford
On the surface it may seem superficial, but it is actually quite profound. When we believe in something, obstacles
seems to disappear. We plow through ‘knowing and believing’ that we can get what we want. When things seem
so unrealistic, so ‘pie in the sky’ we don’t put in the same effort because we believe that it can’t really
happen, so why bother.
Echo - an excerpt from “Become a Better You” by Joel Osteen

A man and his small son were hiking when suddenly the little boy slipped about 30 yards down the mountainside,
getting caught in some brush. Unhurt but frightened, he called out, “Somebody, help me!” A voice called back,
“Somebody, help me!”
The youngster looked surprised and confused. He asked, “Who are you?” The voice shouted back, “Who are you?”
The boy began to get aggravated. “You are a coward!” he yelled. The voice shouted back, “You are a coward!”
The boy shot back, “You’re a fool!” The voice repeated, “You’re a fool!”
By then the boy’s father had reached him and helped extricate his son from the brush. The boy looked up and
said, “Dad, who is that?”
The father chuckled and said, “Son, that’s called an echo, but it’s also called life.” He said, “Let me show you
something.” The dad shouted out, “You’ve got what it takes.” The voice boomed, “You’ve got what it takes.” The
dad shouted, “You can make it.” The voice shouted back, “You can make it.”
“Son, that’s exactly how it is in life” the father explained. “Whatever you send out always comes back to you.”
What kind of messages are you shouting out to the world? Are your thoughts leaning more toward the negative
or positive? To the possible or the impossible?
If we don’t believe something is possible, we simply won’t be able to create it. Think about how the goals
we set are contingent upon our belief of what is possible.
The recent news story about the entire graduating class of all black Chicago Charter School students, where all
107 boys were accepted to 4-year colleges, is an example of ‘shouting’ out positive messages and living up to
full potential.
Founder and CEO Tim King created a school that excused nothing -- and expected everything. Tim King
describes his formula as: ritual, respect, responsibility, and relationships. Not only did he provide the knowledge
but also helped to instill a sense of resiliency, self-confidence, and self-awareness.
Despite overwhelming odds, Tim believed in the boys’ potential as well as in himself. And, each boy had to de-
velop an inner belief of possibility in order to meet the high standards.
A while back at a fundraiser I attended, they conducted a silent auction and 50/50 raffle. I placed a bid in the
auction and bought the $20 raffle tickets. However unrealistic it may seem, when I buy a raffle ticket, I honestly
believe that I stand a chance of winning.
Much to my amazement, they raised $3600 that evening from the raffle alone. And even more astounding was
that I won the silent auction bid, and I was holding the winning raffle ticket! ($1,800). The odds of winning were
slim - but I go in believing that one person will win and it could be me. How many times have you said “I will buy
a raffle for support but - I never win these things.” And the result? You probably don’t win.
What are some instances where your thinking can affect your circumstances?
Notice how things you may dismiss as not possible might play out differently if you believe that a positive out-
come is achievable. This does not mean that you set yourself up for disappointment - but rather have a belief that
no matter how many obstacles, it just might be possible. At least that provides an opening.
When we take a chance in life, we plant a seed of possibility.

74
Arrogance 7/2010
Arrogance diminishes wisdom. Arabian proverb
Have you ever listened to a story or watched a movie and you were so certain as to how it would end
when suddenly, there is a twist and you are so surprised?
Too often ‘we think we know’ and it gets in the way of our really knowing.
Recently, in a conversation, someone shared a story about something that was said to him by a friend
whom I also know. When he was finishing the story, I was confused and missed the point. Unfortunately,
he was actually talking about a different friend not the one that I thought. I had to ask him to start over
so I could process it keeping in mind the correct friend.
When we think we know, there is no space or opening for learning. It shuts us down.
In a recent lecture, the following story was told that illustrates how we hold to a position - no matter
what. And when that happens, there are consequences.
A battle ship was at sea in bad weather. The captain was on the bridge. It was foggy. Just after dark the
look-out spotted a light on the starboard side. The captain asked if it was steady or moving. The look
out replied the light was steady meaning they were on direct collision course with that ship! The captain
ordered the lookout signal to the other ship.
Captain: “Change course 20 degrees. We are on a collision course.” The signal came back: “Advisable
for you to change course.” The captain replied, “I am a captain. Change course 20 degrees.” “I am a
seaman second class. You had better change course 20 degrees,” came the reply.
The captain was furious. He sent back, “I am a battleship. Change course!” Seaman second class re-
sponded, “I am a lighthouse.”
Have you ever felt so strongly about an idea that you just couldn’t hear opposing viewpoints?
Become aware when you are unwilling to let go of an idea.
Become aware when you are unwilling to look at other options/alternatives.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I look forward
to hearing about your experiences
75
Clutter Experiment 8/2010
I’ve always stayed away from the topic of clutter - we have heard it all before. Yet, I’ve noticed something that I
want to share and have you do the experiment as well and then share what happens for you. We always think
that we are the only ones who have a certain experience and then we find out ‘everyone else’ has a similar ex-
perience.
What happens when we remove a book from our bookshelves? There’s a space for a brief time. In a short while,
another book has taken its place.
Years ago I worked with a client who had major clutter - particularly in his office. Rather than spend time on
how he should clean up and get organized, we examined why he had so much clutter.
We discovered that it was his subconscious way of guaranteeing that his business wouldn’t really take
off. He had an old message in his head from his father that he should be a successful businessman. His fear
of disappointing his father was so great that he self-sabotaged his chances for success by keeping a cluttered
office.
We carry fear that we won’t be able to handle future challenges. Clutter can be comforting because it acts
as a buffer between us and reality. People who are able to live without clutter trust themselves to make
good choices.
If you lack confidence, then hanging onto clutter can keep you from achieving your vision.
Getting rid of things usually means accepting or coming to terms with something we don’t necessarily
want to face.
Examples: Getting rid of books and magazines we don’t have time to read means accepting that we will never
have enough time or attention to explore every topic that’s of interest to us. Getting rid of not worn or old clothing
forces us to accept that we made poor buying decisions or our size has changed.
If you grew up with very frugal parents who taught you not to be wasteful, getting rid of items that are still useful
may trigger feelings of guilt.
Hoarding is a psychological problem and stems from a scarcity mentality of not believing that you will have what
you need or have enough.
Some people throw out just about everything which is another extreme. There is a balance between saving
some items, papers, momentos that makes sense. It’s when you go overboard and can’t bear to throw
anything away, piles accumulate, and clutter takes over. Each time you have to ‘step over’ a pile or look
at piles of laundry or toys, it is an energy drain (often subtle).
Clearing out your clutter creates space for possibility. It can create a relaxed and energized feeling. That’s
why it can be so daunting. Suddenly there are no more excuses for why things don’t progress or change
the way you would like.
Reducing your clutter and paying attention to your surroundings may actually provide a feeling of control of
your life and your environment. You might even experience more confidence in your abilities and decisions.
Consistently over the years when I finally make a decision to clean up a pile, or get rid of all the papers for
shredding, or clean out a drawer, or throw away something I no longer use.... ONLY with the intention
of cleaning up (no other motive behind it), many new things come into my life. I did a major office ‘clutter
cleanup’ of paper piles and an old computer, and shortly thereafter, my September class was sold out with a wait-
ing list. I’ve gotten several inquiries from potential coaching clients and got three new people for the mentor groups.
None of this would have happened if... Ah! The experiment....
Is that really true that it would not have happened if I hadn’t cleaned up some piles? I tend to believe there is a
cause and effect. I would LOVE it if you would try this and let me know if there’s truth to it.
That is, when we make room, something new comes into our life.....
Resource: Stephanie Roberts - Fastfengshui.com
76
Ask For It 9/2010
Repeatedly, I hear about someone’s bad experience. What I consistently find so fascinating about it is that there
were many opportunities to speak up and express disappointment or sentiments that could have changed the
circumstances and certainly the outcome. Yet, people tend to stay quiet and suffer.
Astoundingly, one former client would bottle things up until she exploded. Then she would want to dump ev-
ery negative thought she had been feeling and then run away from the scene. Things could easily have been
changed early on and this outcome prevented, but she consistently chose to complain to everyone except the
person who could affect a difference. Had she simply asked for what she needed, she would most likely
have had a satisfactory ending.
Recently, after purchasing a car, I had been contacted by corporate headquarters about the buying experience.
We had a 10-minute conversation in which I provided many details. This was followed by an online survey
request. After responding to the questions, I noted that the survey didn’t allow for all of my feedback and com-
ments. In essence, it was a poorly designed survey that didn’t appear to provide any valuable information when
completed. So, I sent a note letting them know. They called me for more feedback on the survey itself. In ap-
preciation for my comments, they offered me an extended maintenance plan. Had I not spoken out about my
experience and about the survey, I would have felt as though I had wasted my time, that no one really
cared about what I had to say, and received nothing in return for my effort.
When I was boarding a plane for a trip, I bought a bottle of water and a health bar that I had never seen before.
After eating it on the plane, I loved it so much that I literally saved the wrapper to find it again. I googled them
online only to find that very few places in the U.S. carry that brand. When I was in one of my local supermarkets,
I happen to ask the manager if he ever heard of that brand and he pointed to an obscure display with several
varieties. Had I not asked, I would still be searching for them.
People who learn to ask for what they want experience less stress and more joy.
The first step is to get clear on exactly what it is you want.
When attending a group meeting, each person was asked to express their thoughts on a specific topic. It was
also clear that each person would have a finite amount of time to share based on the number of people and the
ending time of the meeting. Two of the participants did not have a chance to speak and one had serious regrets.
He said that by holding back and waiting to hear what others had to say so that he could sound knowl-
edgeable, he realized too late that he lost his opportunity.
There are times when it makes sense to speak up and say what you want because by not doing so, you
are guaranteed to not get it. Unless others know what you want and what is important to you, it can’t be an op-
tion. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you will get what you want - but at least you have a chance.
What allows some people to ALWAYS ask for what they want whether they get it or not? Yet, they are willing to
ask for it?
How many times have you chosen to stay quiet and not speak up for something and then have regrets?
Were you:
Afraid that people would think you ask for too much?
Afraid that you might not get what you want?
Afraid that you would be seen in a bad light?
Sometimes, when we believe it won’t change anything, we stay quiet - never knowing the result of “what
if I had asked.”
So what are the things that hold you back from doing so?
ing about your experiences
77 Tolerance 10/2010
You will never change what you tolerate. Joel Osteen
Interestingly, tolerance is both positive and negative depending upon the context. Just imagine how different
political, religious, racial and gender issues might be if human beings were more tolerant (open-minded, patient,
understanding) of each other.
Tolerance means acceptance when it stems from a judgmental or positional place. One of my clients didn’t
like her friend’s boyfriend. For a long time, she avoided even asking about him despite her friend believing that
her relationship was great. It bothered her when she noticed how it was affecting her feelings toward her friend
and then recognized that her judgment was the only thing in the way. She made a conscious decision to become
more accepting (tolerant) and realized that nothing changed except her attitude - and with it came a sense of
freedom and ease in the friendship.
Tolerance is the ability to accept the existence of something while still disapproving of it. Our tendency is
to believe that our view, opinion, idea is the ‘right’ one and then we become intolerant and closed to other ideas
and beliefs.
Tolerance can also mean compassion and patience, especially with ourselves. Have you ever noticed how
many times you berate yourself for forgetting something? Dropping something? Not learning something fast
enough? Not feeling good enough?
The only thing it accomplishes is feeling worse about ourselves, and it often leads to reduced effort because we
feel defeated. We are so quick to criticize our own behaviors, our progress, and notice our mistakes.
When we practice healthy, loving tolerance of ourselves, we can learn appropriate tolerance for others.
On the other end, are things that we should never tolerate such as abusive behavior. When people do things that
go against our values, we can choose not to tolerate destructive behaviors.
Loose button? Chronic complaining? Pile of laundry on the floor? Unsatisfying job? Stain on the couch?
Car is like a garbage dump? Eating on the run?
These are examples of things we tolerate (allow, endure, put up with) that actually do more harm than good.
Although it may be subtle, these things can cause:
• a lack of peace
• a drain on our energy
• frustration
• feeling tired
• lack of creativity
• lack of focus
• and become a distraction.
“Tolerations” are things that we ‘put up with’ because we feel we have to or ‘should.’ They can drag us
down, create overwhelm, interfere with our well-being, and clutter our minds. Somehow, there is a cost and pay-
off for doing so.
The problem is that we don’t even realize how much we are tolerating until we stop doing so. And, only
then can we become aware of little we want to tolerate.
One clue that you are tolerating something might be when you feel uncomfortable or stressed (may be
physical pain or part of your environment). Look for what you are tolerating and remove it. This can lead to
personal growth, a feeling of peace, harmony, increased energy, and freedom with no burdens.
We are told that life is difficult and not to complain, to go with the flow, and to be grateful for what we have. That’s
fine, but what about those things that drag us down? Tolerating can be like managing chaos.
In one instance, tolerance implies having respect for humanity and the ability to change or open our
thinking. It seems to fall in the ‘thinking/being’ category. On the other hand, to tolerate implies that we are
putting up with unacceptable behaviors and we need to ‘do’ something about it.
Serenity Prayer:
G-d grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference.
-Where could you be more tolerant? More accepting of another viewpoint?
-What are you enduring, putting up with that might be draining you?
78
Back in Time 11/2010
It’s easy to carry the past as a burden instead of a school. It’s easy to let it overwhelm you in-
stead of educate you. Jim Rohn
Some of the best lessons we ever learn are learned from past mistakes. The error of the past is
the wisdom and success of the future. Dale Turner
We can never literally go back in time - except in our minds. The past is just that. We can’t redo it or
make it different.
Yet, we see movies from the past. We read books that were written many years ago. And, we get tre-
mendous value from many of them because they still carry a message or have meaning that defies
time. WHEN they were written seems to have no bearing on their significance.
The same holds true for Life’s Little Lessons . Over the years, readers send comments when an is-
sue resonates. That is, something is going on in your life at that particular time and you appreciate the
‘lesson’ and can ascribe meaning to the message.
Sometimes, people let me know that the issue didn’t resonate. It’s not something that you have person-
ally experienced or you feel that you can’t relate to it. If we consider how our life ebbs and flows and
how things are constantly changing, then it’s possible that a prior issue that didn’t seem relevant may
now be so.
Personally, I’ve been guilty of thinking that past issues (of anyone’s newsletters) are not current and
perhaps not as interesting, and I only want to read the latest issue (and or read one past issue to make
sure I want to subscribe). In some cases, time does affect content. Reading about technology a few
years ago probably has little bearing on today’s tech world and would likely seem outdated.
There are currently almost 80 issues of Life’s Little Lessons. Not all of them can be applicable at any
given moment. On one hand, I believe that there is always a new life lesson to learn. On the other hand,
I believe that there are just so many variations on a theme.
So, instead of writing a brand new lesson for this issue, I invite you to go back and choose some
past lessons to read or re-read. You never know what might strike you differently. Think about a book
or movie that you revisited and how the second or third time you detected something additional or be-
come aware of an aspect you initially missed. And if it’s the first time reading a prior issue, perhaps it’s
the right time to read that lesson.
Upon reflection, have you ever realized something about a situation that you totally missed while it was
occurring?
When was the last time you dismissed an opportunity because you felt as though it wasn’t going to be
exciting, important, or relevant? (Lesson 1 from 2004)
I always add a sentence at the end of each newsletter about your comments being welcomed (as be-
low). This is one time when I would truly love to know if you go back to a past lesson and find meaning
or relevance.
79
Ask for Help 12/2010
The healthy, the strong individual, is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he has an
abscess on his knee or in his soul. Rona Barrett
We know that men have a reputation for not asking for directions. But it’s both men and women who, in general,
have a hard time asking for help. We have so many preconceived, silly ideas about what it really means.
There seems to be a feeling of shame, not deserving, or ‘how come I can’t do this on my own” when we
think about asking for help.
What prevents us is our own thoughts and perceptions. We judge OURSELVES as small and incapable.
How many times in a group setting are we afraid to admit we don’t know something and don’t ask? Then some-
one else asks the same question, and we realize it was a logical question and there’s nothing wrong with not
knowing the answer.
G-d helps those who help themselves. Algernon Sidney

Source: Discourse Concerning Government
This is a common expression but unfortunately misinterpreted as fierce independence. Note the source of the
expression! Relying on ourselves can be a positive, but it depends upon the context. And, help can be used
as manipulation and guilt tripping. This occurs when someone ‘uses help’ as a way to get attention or meet some
other need. One client shared that her aunt consistently asks for assistance. She recognized that help in this
instance is not her real need. When we help for the wrong reasons, we wind up feeling resentful.
Often we think: I wouldn’t dare ask for help for myself when someone else needs it more than I do.
Caregivers, teachers, therapists, coaches, nurses, etc. are in the constant role of providing help. Characteristi-
cally, these people are great at offering help but lousy at receiving it. Often, they are stuck with the idea that their
‘role’ is to help and that they are unimportant and undeserving. Unfortunately, it’s these very people who could
use a great deal of help to relieve some of their burden. Yet, there is a fear about seeming selfish when in
fact, it would actually be self-care. That is VERY different.
Self-care is literally that - caring for oneself but not at the expense of another person. It means that if we care for
ourselves, we can give fully to others. Otherwise, we exhaust ourselves and wind up resentful.
Being able to ask for help is a sign of courage and strength. It means that we admit to ourselves and to
others that we are human. There are some things that we naturally do well and others that don’t readily come
to us.
Recently, an event hostess gave me a container with something inside that she wanted me to have. I attempted
to open it after reading the instructions but couldn’t. I told her that I am a smart person but the directions are
confusing and could she please help me. She said that it doesn’t take smarts to open it, and that she was sure
I could figure it out. At first I was angry thinking ‘how dare she.....’ After a few moments, I realized that it wasn’t
about me (something was going on with her), and I simply put the container down and walked away.
Some people don’t want to help - for whatever reason. That’s something for each person to decide for them-
selves. Asking for help doesn’t mean that you will get it when and how you want it. It simply means that
you realize that it would be a lot more efficient or effective with assistance.
Create a win-win situation - offer when you can and allow someone to help you.
Think about a time when you consciously dug your heels in and decided to do something on your own. How
much better, faster, easier would it have been if you had asked for assistance? Give someone a chance to feel
good about themselves.
Think about a time when you have offered or answered a plea for help. How good did you feel that you were
able to do something for someone else that really didn’t take a great deal of effort on your part but made a huge
difference for the person? Don’t deprive others of the opportunity to help you.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I look forward to hearing about
your experiences
80
Authentic and Vulnerable? 1/2011
Since this topic is complex, and I researched it in preparation for a talk, it doesn’t make sense to eliminate any
of these pertinent quotes before the text.
Brilliant minds are no different from others in that we all avoid vulnerability, risk, embarrassment and the
appearance of incompetence. Wendy Gordon
The final freedom is choosing to live who you are - especially when it’s scary, uncertain, inconvenient,
or unpopular. Kim George
We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be. May Sarton
The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are. Carl Gustav Jung
Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... don’t mind... And those that mind...
don’t matter. Theodor Seuss Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
A lot of the conflict you have in your life exists simply because you’re not living in alignment; you’re not
be being true to yourself. Steve Maraboli
We need to find the courage to say NO to the things and people that are not serving us if we want to re-
discover ourselves and live our lives with authenticity. Barbara de Angelis
Everything will line up perfectly when knowing and living the truth becomes more important than looking
good. Alan Cohen
Where’s the Line?

Thomas Leonard, the founder of coaching as we know it today, lived a relatively short but exceptionally produc-
tive life. He was a true inspiration as he never stopped giving, sharing, and creating new, relevant material. He
had an uncanny knack for evoking provocative thinking. Despite his adored status, he revealed his vulnerability
by sharing personal things such as posting photos of every room in his home. Thomas transcended the usual
lines or limits that we place on ourselves. Part of what made him so special is that he acted as if there
were no lines.
Authenticity is about knowing who you really are and what you want. Usually, we quickly know what we don’t
want, but think about what you do want. What is really important to you?
Thomas truly lived an authentic life. He was able to embrace his vulnerability while at the same time know
that his results were not connected to his self-worth. This allowed him to be open, honest, and at times out-
rageous. Part of his charisma and authenticity was his willingness to ‘put himself out there’ not fearing
consequences, and learning from his mistakes.
According to Brene Brown who studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame, those who can fully em-
brace vulnerability without fear of consequences are the happiest, most content people. They are not con-
cerned with controlling and predicting. She says, “If we numb vulnerability, we numb joy and happiness.” People
who believe “I am enough” are authentic. Great video of her 20-minute talk: The Power of Vulnerability
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
If vulnerable is a willingness to be seen as you are with no mask, authentic, this brings up questions
for me around my comfort zone. Writing this newsletter has been difficult, and I realize it’s because I AM con-
cerned about the outcome and about readers getting value. What do I reveal? How will I be perceived? Where
and why do I draw the line between authenticity and vulnerability?
What occurs to me is that I draw lines that I believe keep me ‘safe.’ These same lines keep me from authenticity
and embracing vulnerability.
A client shared her story of betrayal and adultery. She ended her marriage and eventually remarried. Yet, she
has difficulty allowing herself to be truly authentic because the idea of being vulnerable is so frightening. Vulner-
able can mean that we open ourselves up to harm. And, it can also mean that we don’t have to be afraid of the
consequences.
CONTINUED on next page
81
CONTINUED – Authentic and Vulnerable
Excerpt from Blog Post (with permission) I wasn’t one of the managers who lost their job during that restructur-
ing which goes to my point that, you have to know who you are - TRULY ARE. All else comes from that
knowing. To be authentic, you must know your strengths, but more importantly know your weaknesses
so you can partner with people who can boost them and compliment you. Holly Dietor, Communications
Consultant, http://hollydietor.blogspot.com/
Thomas called this ‘arranging confidence.’
-- If you allow yourself to be seen as you are, is there a line where that becomes detrimental?
-- What is it like to live from a place of truly knowing and accepting who you are?
-- What if you lived every day without fear of the outcome or results? What would you do differently?
When we hold back and don’t admit what we truly think or feel for fear that we will be wrong or appear stupid,
we miss out on living authentically (joy, freedom, adventure, etc.) Where is the line between giving too much of
ourselves (people pleasing) and being authentic?
People with a strong sense of Self feel worthy of love and belonging. Developing that sense takes focus
and awareness. Most of us (deep down) don’t believe that we are worthy, and thus fear vulnerability.
• Are you drawing the line too close? Out of fear or based on reality?
• What if there were no lines - What might be different for you?
• What if you were always open, honest and authentic? Where are you holding back?
• How would your life be different if you stepped outside of your comfort zone?
• What can we learn from those that inspire us?
ing about your experiences
82
Encourage or Discourage 2/2011
Recently I watched a video news clip that is still haunting me. A mother is forcing her (high school) son to spend
two weeks on a busy street holding a large sign listing his academic failures in an attempt to motivate him. It
seems that the mother is so desperate to motivate her son, she resorted to public humiliation. (Not sure
why this isn’t considered child abuse.) I am willing to bet that in her frustration, she never tried reinforcing the
positives or offered any kind of encouragement.
Here is a parable about the difference words can make. (Author Unknown)
A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other
frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the unfortunate frogs
they would never get out. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit.
The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs
took heed to what the other frogs were saying and simply gave up. He fell down and died.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him
to stop the pain and suffering and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When
he got out, the other frogs asked him, “Why did you continue jumping. Didn’t you hear us?”
The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
How often have you said to someone something like: Don’t bother, it won’t make any difference. Or perhaps,
you’ve said: Just give it up already.
Think of the times when someone has said to you:

“Stop looking already, you will never find it.”
“Don’t even bother, it won’t work.”
“You are wasting your time.”
What if you want to keep going against all odds?

What has someone said to you that ...
- spurred you on to victory?
- got you to complete something that seemed impossible?
- kept you going when the going got tough?
Sometimes all it takes are some encouraging words that make all the difference. When the doctor says, “You
have a 17% chance of survival, not very good odds,” you may think ‘It’s all over.’ Imagine if the doctor instead
encouraged you and said “You have a 17% chance of survival, and you can be among those that make it.” What
a different sentiment (and possible outcome) by changing only a few words!
The other day one of my calculators stopped working. I tried many times to open the battery cover, but the screw
just kept turning but not loosening the cover. I was all set to throw it away and buy a new one. Then I thought to
myself ‘there has to be a way to get that cover off.’ I tried again, with the same screwdriver, – and got the cover off.
At times all it takes is one person who believes in you - and who is willing to share that belief as in the Oscar
winning film “The King’s Speech.” Sometimes it only takes our own positive thought to believe in ourselves, but
often we have such difficulty believing in ourselves. When there are obstacles, we become pessimistic and
the feeling of defeat and loss comes so easily. When we say to ourselves this seems hopeless, or someone
tells us, ‘don’t bother,’ we likely feel discouraged and give up. When we tell ourselves, or someone tells us,
that we can do it, we feel encouraged, hopeful, and make an extra effort. Often, it’s what we choose to
believe that makes the difference.
Think about a time when someone discouraged you and the results of those words.
Think about a time when someone encouraged you and how you began to believe in yourself and kept going.
It takes the same amount of energy and words, so encourage another person and know that you might be
influencing a major impact on the outcome.
Someone will be grateful.
your experiences.
83
Over the Fence 3/2011
Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
Robert Frost
What makes it so difficult to stay on our side of the fence? As human be-
ings, we are always curious, inquiring, wanting to know more. However,
there is a line that we should not cross. Although it is tempting and
attractive, it puts us on the ‘other side of the fence’ and that means
in someone else’s business.
When we show too much curiosity about other people’s affairs, or get invested in unanswerable ques-
tions, we have crossed the line. Crossing over the fence is subtle and pervasive.
When my 1 1/2 year relationship recently ended, I found myself wondering ‘what is he thinking? doing?’ Thoughts
that have no answers and distract me from dealing with ‘What am I thinking?/feeling?”
What do I need to do for me? What will help me move forward? Those are big questions, and it seems easier
to look ‘over there’ instead of facing my sadness and disappointment. We can spend a lot of time wondering,
when in actuality, unless we get answers, we are ‘over there’ instead of being with ourselves.
Far too often, we have perceptions and ideas about people and their situations. Speculation is pointless because
we don’t have facts, but more importantly it takes us away from looking at what we are feeling in the moment
about the situation. It’s hard to admit (and face) that oftentimes, when we are ‘over the fence’ it’s because
we aren’t dealing with our feelings.
Going ‘over the fence’ keeps us from looking inward, but in the end, it is a disservice. We only move forward in healthy
ways when first we recognize, address, and face our fear, anger, frustration, envy, or whatever feeling arises.
Often, we tend to ignore those feelings (or at least acknowledging them) and instead focus on the other person.
Examples:
• I was at a luncheon when a woman reminded another woman that she had mentioned wanting to leave early as if she
was her timekeeper. It easily demonstrated what it looks like when we are caught up in someone else’s business.
• A client felt disturbed by an antagonistic relationship with a co-worker. Instead of focusing first on her discomfort
and fear of confrontation, she focused on the co-worker and wondered what was her problem and second-
guessing her motives.
• My friend was asked to watch her grandchildren. She planned to tell her son how he should arrange his time so
it would match her schedule. Instead, she simply needed to share her time constraints. It’s on her son’s ‘side of
the fence’ how he works it out.
• A client (music teacher), prepares students for admission to a prestigious choir. Two of his students revealed
difficulty with harmony. He provided consistent feedback to help them hone this skill. After no improvement, he
predicted their rejection and could not offer a needed recommendation. He dreaded sharing the news because
he was so concerned with their feelings and disappointment. What finally helped him was the knowledge that
he is not responsible beyond providing his expertise, guidance, and feedback. Both what they do with the infor-
mation, and then how they react to the news, is on THEIR side of the fence.
• On an e-mail list, “Joe” didn’t agree with something posted regarding his area of expertise. He wanted to prove
that “Sue” was wrong and that her interpretation skews the facts. Joe took responsibility for Sue’s statement and
was so invested in straightening out the facts instead of staying on his side and simply providing his knowledge.
Life is much simpler and more freeing when we take responsibility for ourselves -only. Unfortunately, so
often we ‘remind’ or ‘speculate’ or ‘set the record straight’ instead of staying on our own side and minding our
business. Controlling our own lives takes enough energy.
Notice when you might be ‘over the fence’ because you are:
• Caretaking - concerned about someone else’s reaction or feelings
• Meddling - overly curious and/or wanting to tell others what to do
• Speculating and/or wanting external validation -guessing and/or wanting the okay from others
The next time you find yourself doing any of the above, first figure out what has you feeling triggered. Then rec-
ognize and admit your feelings. In reality, it has nothing to do with the other person.
84 Baggage 4/2011
Everyone’s got emotional baggage; the question is, what are you doing to unpack that trunk and put it
away, so your lovers, friends and relatives don’t have to keep tripping over it? Shari Schreiber
Call them “blocks” or “limiting beliefs” or “being stuck” -- but these images and past hurts are noth-
ing more than driving through life with the emergency brake on. Successful people, on the other hand,
continually move beyond their comfort zone -- not by using increased willpower, but by replacing their
beliefs about themselves and changing their self-image. Jack Canfield
Most women carry handbags filled with all sorts of items that we believe we must have with us at all times. Al-
though most men don’t necessarily have bags, they carry wallets, credit cards, loose change, keys, etc.
Interestingly, both men and women carry around many other things that we are not aware of. We carry old mes-
sages, and more importantly, limiting ideas and thoughts of who we are, what we can/can’t do. We carry
these in our minds.
Many years ago I participated in a workshop where the facilitator asked us to select one plastic bag from amongst
many that looked like gifts tied with bows. We had no clue what was inside.
As it turned out, the bags were extremely HEAVY! All of the bags were filled with rocks. We were told that no matter
where we went - including restaurants, bathrooms, and walking on the street, we had to carry the bag with us.
Why on earth did we have to do this? Each rock represented a negative thought, idea, or belief that doesn’t support or
serve us well. All things that hold us back and hold us down. And we carry these with us every day -- in our minds.
After walking around with the rocks, we had to identify a negative thought, idea, or belief for each rock (see ex-
amples below). We then had to throw them - one at a time - by name, and replace the negative with a positive:
“I’m smart.” “I can ask for help.” “I will end my abusive relationship.” “I deserve only supportive friends.”
Examples:
I am not thin enough. I don’t have enough time. I need more money. I can’t ask for help.
I am stupid. I am not lovable. I don’t deserve better. I need this relationship.
I can’t get a better job. I have no choice. I am not capable of more. I am not enough.
By definition, a belief is something that a person holds to be true without necessarily being able to ad-
equately prove its main contention.
That means that your beliefs are made up based on your history. Believing in them is what makes it true
for you! It’s helpful to remember that your beliefs are literally made up.... No matter how much evidence
you think you have, there is no concrete proof.
The key is to accept that each belief is a choice. Over time, you will begin to notice that you can just as
easily collect ‘proof’ of your positive thoughts as you did of the negative ones.
A study at the University of Texas at Austin (James Pennebaker, 2003) showed that college students who were
able to put unpleasant events and beliefs stemming from their past into perspective became physically healthier
than those who chose not to deal with any past negative thoughts or emotions.
The problem is that you are unaware of how much ‘emotional’ baggage you carry around on a full-time
basis. While it would be great to just throw it away, it’s not quite that simple. However, you can look at how your
bags are packed. That is, examine what’s inside and not allow so much space or energy for these limiting
ideas. Look at your ‘suitcase’ and note:
- What takes up the most space?
- What’s at the bottom and has been there the longest?
- What’s the newest item in my suitcase?
- How many items are actually in my suitcase?
We behave and act based on our ideas and circumstances - even if they are on a subconscious level. Our beliefs
guide our thoughts, actions, goals, and relationships with other people. The untrue belief is what creates other
people’s reaction, and so it seems as though it’s true. (self-fulfilling prophecy).
Example: A client believed that she wasn’t good enough because of her dysfunctional childhood family. Each time
she got involved in a new relationship, she allowed her shame about her family to dictate her choices and decisions.
When the relationships ended, she believed that she had ‘proof’ that it ended because of her family history.
Unpacking baggage: exploring, identifying and owning your emotional response to your history is what
allows you to move ahead.
What thoughts, ideas, beliefs, stemming from your past, are in your ‘suitcase’?
What can you unpack, examine, and let go of that doesn’t serve you?
85 Generosity 5/2011
A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream.
The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her
food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him.
She did so without hesitation.
The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security
for a lifetime. But, a few days later, he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.
“I’ve been thinking,” he said.
“I know how valuable this stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even
more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me this stone.”
Author Unknown
Sometimes it’s not the wealth you have but what’s inside you that others need.
Whether or not you are a fan of Oprah Winfrey, there is no denying that she has made a positive difference in
countless lives by giving what’s inside of her. This week marked the end of 25 years on television and 4,561 hours
of talking and sharing. Her openness and willingness to reveal her journey in an authentic and vulnerable
way allowed so many others to do the same. Her impact has been immeasurable.
Although she gave away material items (cars,etc.), the majority of what she gave was her experience and wis-
dom, while providing an opportunity for people to feel better about themselves and the inspiration to achieve more
than they thought possible.
As in the above story of the woman who freely gave the stone, she gave something that every person on the
planet needs….. a forum to be heard, a feeling of being loved and cared about. As she ended the show,
she talked about the root of every person’s suffering, conflict, and degree of happiness…. Worthiness.
She asked the questions:
Do you see me?
Do you hear me?
Does what I say matter?
She spoke about people wanting to connect, be embraced, liberated, and loved. And, she acknowledged the one
and only person who validated her when she was a child that allowed her to feel that she was worth something,
that she mattered – her 4th grade teacher. (see Inspiration, Page 51 – April 2008
All it takes is one person who believes in us to make a significant difference in our lives. Just as the woman in the
story above was able to give so freely without fear of losing anything, Oprah gave freely. In doing so, she gained
her own feeling of worthiness, something everyone craves.
Her overall message: You receive in direct proportion to what you give so use your life to serve the world
and be more of yourself.
In working with one of my clients, she claims she feels bad because she can’t give her children expensive mate-
rial items like the other mothers. What she has finally realized is that the love and encouragement she gives is
worth more than the material things.
“You can help somebody. You can listen. You can forgive. You can heal. You have the power to change
somebody’s life.” Oprah Winfrey
• What is inside of you that you can give other people without wanting or needing anything in return?
• What do you give freely that might be positively impacting other people’s lives?
• Who has given you ‘validation’ – the feeling that you matter?
• Who helps you feel important and let’s you know that what you say matters?
And
• Who can you help to feel important and validate that what they say matters?
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I look forward to hearing
about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
86
Out of Context 6/2011
Always design a thing by considering it in its next larger context – a chair in a room, a room in
a house, a house in an environment, an environment in a city plan. Eliel Saarinen
Imagine someone walking up to you and asking “Are you naturally blonde?” or “How much money to
you earn?” You would likely find these questions inappropriate and probably offensive.
Now imagine if you were asked exactly the same way but it was placed into context. “I’m admiring your
hair color and wondering if you are naturally blonde or if it’s a color I can get for my hair?
Far too often, people ask questions and make statements out of context because the rest of the
thoughts around it remain in the mind. Of all the thoughts, only one piece is articulated. Example:
I wonder what he does for a living because he lives in that huge house and drives an expensive car. He
and his family travel often, so it seems as though they are wealthy. I wonder how much money he makes.
While it may not be a literal question to ask someone, for obvious reasons, you can see how the ques-
tion could arise based on the thoughts preceding it.
A client was relaying a story about meeting his girlfriend at an event. Apparently, she arrived ahead of
him. She called and asked “Where are you?” He was within minutes of the event, and said “I’m almost
there, why are you asking?” She got annoyed at his questioning her when she simply wanted a time-
frame because the line was long, and she was hoping he would arrive before she got inside. Had she
simply said “There’s a long line, and I’m hoping you’ll be here in time – where are you?” there wouldn’t
have been a problem because he would have known why she was asking.
When we hear questions or statements out of context, it can seem as though we are being inter-
rogated, investigated, doubted, scrutinized, judged, etc.
I often tell my coaching students a personal story of how I learned about context – the hard way. I was
on vacation with a friend who was folding a blanket in a way I had never seen before. I questioned
– “What are you doing with that blanket?” I was told that he wished I had explained why I wanted to
know. I couldn’t understand what made my question a problem. Several hours later, out of the blue,
he asked me “What size bra do you wear?” My head spun around as I said “Why would you want to
know something like that?” The reply: “So you can understand what it feels like when a question is out
of context.”
Placing into context means including what comes before and after a question or statement. This helps
to explain its full meaning. Creating a framework for delivering a message is a thoughtful technique.
A friend shared a story after going to a party with her boyfriend. Driving home, she asked him “what
were you talking to those women about?” He didn’t want to answer the question. He said, “let me ex-
plain what I would much prefer.” “I really value our relationship and care about you. When I saw you
talking with those women, I realized I was a bit jealous and am curious as to what you were talking
about.” She immediately noticed the difference.
When we include context, especially when sharing something delicate, chances are the other
person can actually hear what is being said and consider it. In a situation where feedback is be-
ing offered that potentially could be uncomfortable, it is critical to include context so the person
can hear the message and respond vs. react and feel defensive.
Think about a time when you were asked a question or told something, and as a result, you felt awful.
Likely, there was no context.
When you want to share something potentially difficult to hear or painful, although true, put it into con-
text so that the delivery doesn’t create damage, and the person can hear what has been shared.
87 Struggle 7/2011
I still remember when the girl behind me (in 3rd grade) needed assistance with a spelling word. Knowing the
answer, I turned around to help her. And, I also remember the teacher getting angry with me and for years could
not understand how that could have been ‘wrong’ or ‘bad.’
When we don’t allow other people a chance to do things on their own - even if we see that they might be
choosing poorly, we are taking away from someone’s opportunity for learning. Also, we are sending a
message that we believe they aren’t capable. This doesn’t apply if we can be absolutely sure, without ques-
tion, that the person will be harmed.
The problem arises when we ‘believe’ that someone will feel anguish or suffer consequences. Yet, some-
times, that is exactly what is supposed to happen. The classic example is a parent insisting that their child
do their homework assignment. Naturally, there would be consequences if it isn’t done, but it wouldn’t be fatal.
Now imagine if the child is allowed to learn that not doing homework equals a punishment. What a great lesson
and one that would likely be applicable to other areas of life.
A client was taking disproportionate responsibility for an aging parent. What we discovered is that he was protect-
ing his younger siblings from taking responsibility since he typically shouldered most of the family burdens. He
was convinced that it wouldn’t be fair to have any of them share equally and had all sorts of reasons and excuses
as to why they should be ‘off the hook.’
What we fail to realize when we don’t allow someone to fail or take responsibility, we are actually depriving that
person of an important experience. And, we are doing a disservice to ourselves and often become resentful.
A client shared a story about teaching her daughter how to shred a zucchini. She noticed that her daughter was doing
it differently. She stopped to demonstrate again, but her daughter explained that she liked her own way better. Ulti-
mately, the task was accomplished, and my client felt good about letting her daughter have her own experience.
Helping other people is a good thing. You should give help to someone who needs it. You are enabling a
person when you’re helping them and they’re perfectly capable of doing it for themselves. It becomes a
negative when we believe we are sparing or protecting someone. Or, when we fear consequences, such
as the person getting angry, so we stay quiet and allow the behaviors to continue.
A related story... The Struggle (Author Unknown)
A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth and took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon.
One day when a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the moth for several hours as it struggled to force
its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress and seemed to be stuck.
In his kindness, he decided to help the moth by taking a pair of scissors and snipping off the remaining bit of the
cocoon. The moth emerged easily, but it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch the moth expecting that, at any moment, the wings would expand or the body would
contract. Neither happened.
In fact, the little moth spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings and was
never was able to fly.
What the man did not understand was that the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening was
the way of forcing fluid from the body into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom
from the cocoon.
Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth
of health.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.
If something appears to be difficult or potentially a problem for another person:
- Do you allow that person the opportunity to have his/her own experience - no matter what outcome you predict?
- Do you look for the easy way out, stay quiet, and take on full responsibility?
- Do you butt in and take the potential negative consequence out of their realm of possibility?
Think of a time when you tried something that didn’t work out. What lesson(s) did you learn? What if you hadn’t
had the ‘privilege’ of learning those lessons - even if it was the hard way? What would be different?
88
Priorities 9/2011
Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen
Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. H. Jackson Brown
Many people seem to think that success in one area can compensate for failure in other areas. But can it really? ...
True effectiveness requires balance. Stephen Covey
At an upcoming conference for eminent attorneys, judges, and law students, I was invited to join a panel and
speak about time management. I planned a coaching approach instead of listing the typical time management
strategies. After carefully preparing, timing the material, and creating a handout, we were notified that the original
time allotted per panel member was cut in half.
Now I had to prioritize – what is crucial, important, meaningful, and what can I eliminate. And, how can I put all
of the information to good use? And thus, another Life’s Little Lesson was conceived.
____________
You don’t ever have to visit friends. You don’t ever have to read. In fact, you don’t have to work.These are choices
that we make. We are always at choice. They may not be palatable or pleasant, but they are always there.
Once you understand that you are choosing to do these things, then your greatest satisfaction can come from
believing that what you are choosing matters. We are constantly making choices about our use of time.
A client was complaining bitterly about raising her three children as a single parent. When I asked her about other
options, she said there weren’t any. In truth, she could place them in foster care, or even worse, abandon them.
This was obviously not acceptable and yet, she realized she had made a choice.
When we become aware of what we value and align with those values, life seems smooth. It would be
difficult to be a criminal who also thinks he can save the world. If your values aren’t aligned, you are unhappy,
conflicted, and dissatisfied. But if your values align with your choices, then you are intrinsically motivated,
inspired, and ultimately successful.
Values represent your highest priorities and deeply held driving forces. Below are a variety of values as sugges-
tions. You may choose from this list or make up your own and select the 3 MOST important things in your life.
(Although it’s difficult to narrow it down, you can only choose 3.)
challenge influence fitness fun
independence authority spirituality romance
achievement creativity nutrition ethics
power communication friends adventure
status freedom family time
beauty love security personal growth
community equality recreation helping society
support dedication morality accomplishment
integrity credibility honesty service
money flexibility stability abundance
Unless you make your top values a priority, they will not fit into your life – and thus you feel dissatisfied,
conflicted, and unmotivated.
The key is NOT to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities. (Covey)
Our tendency is to believe that we can do everything we have to do and everything we want to do. Unfortunately,
that is not reality. We need to make choices.
Some possible choices are: Do it Delegate it Defer it Diminish the time spent on it Delete it
Saying yes to others often means saying no yourself. If you are not happy with your choices as to how you
spend your time, schedule your top values into your daily life before you get caught up with all of the other time-
consuming matters.
How are you choosing to spend your time?
What changes can you make so that your time is spent more valuably? (add or subtract)
What priorities have to be first and scheduled into your life?
89
Projection 10/2011
“A horse is the projection of peoples’ dreams about themselves - strong, powerful, beautiful - and it has
the capability of giving us escape from our mundane existence.” Pat Brown
Just as a movie projector projects images onto a screen, unknowingly, people project thoughts and feelings
onto others.
Mary keeps insisting to her friend Sue: You must be so angry that he didn’t call you. Sue responds by saying:
Actually, I’m not angry - perhaps disappointed but actually totally fine with it.
What just happened? While it seems that Mary made an interpretation (or guess) as to how her friend must be
feeling, in reality, SHE was angry that the guy didn’t call Sue. Instead of owning her own feeling of anger, Mary
made it as if that is Sue’s feeling.
Very often we are not willing to admit (or don’t know) what we are really feeling. Whether it’s excitement
or disgust, we feel as though we have to protect someone we care about. What shows up seems like genuine
caring, but in reality, it is a lack of acknowledging our own feelings.
I was working with a client whose boyfriend kept accusing her of cheating. He even named the person with whom
he thought she was having the affair. She couldn’t understand why he kept insisting. Finally, it was revealed
that he was contemplating cheating on her. Rather than the boyfriend admitting and recognizing his undesirable
thoughts and feelings, he projects them onto his girlfriend.
The phenomenon of projection is a strategy that can reduce stress by denying what someone is really
feeling. When we don’t want to admit - even to ourselves on a conscious level what we are thinking and
feeling, we might choose to project those feelings onto someone else.
This often happens in the work setting. A client consistently complained that her boss intensely disliked her, but
obviously they were forced to work together. What was really true was that she intensely disliked her boss. In-
stead, of acknowledging that (and dreading to go to work every day), she projected those feelings onto her boss
and claimed it was the other way around.
If we look at this from the ‘other side’ - we may experience someone telling us how we feel about something
(or should feel), and it behooves us to recognize that this could be simply projection and really isn’t
about us. While me may agree, we can also consider that perhaps it isn’t what we are feeling and therefore the
feelings belong to the other person.
In the first example with Mary and Sue... Because Mary insists that anger is appropriate, Sue begins to doubt
herself and feels annoyed with Mary. Perhaps she ‘should’ be angry because Mary is so adamant about it. Un-
less and until she recognizes that Mary is projecting her anger, Sue will be in self-doubt about feeling fine with
it. One clue that it is projection might be when our emotional reaction to the other person seems out of
proportion to the situation at hand.
Often, we find projection gets in the way because we believe that everyone thinks the way we do. Not
everyone shares my ethics around integrity. I do what I say I will do. I make it a point of being on time, and if
I’m running late, I let the person know, take responsibility, and apologize. Clearly, others don’t necessarily share
these values in the exact same way. So I get disappointed, surprised, and frustrated when I realize that other
people do things differently. When someone is late, my inclination is to feel disrespected. It’s taken me a long
time to realize that I’m doing what others often do. I’m projecting my values onto others and ‘assuming’ they think
the same way, and that is a set up for dissatisfaction.
Think of times when you were disappointed in someone else because they didn’t respond or act as you had
hoped. Then think about the implications:
Perhaps you were disappointed in your own behavior;
Perhaps you believed the other person would respond/act exactly as you would in the situation.
Each time you imagine that other people will respond, act, think the same way that you do, you are set-
ting yourself up for surprise, disappointment, and frustration.
90 Awake and Aware 11/2011
To become different from what we are, we must have some awareness of what we are. Eric Hoffer
To be aware of a single shortcoming in oneself is more useful than to be aware of a thousand in some-
one else. Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama
“Back when the telegraph was the fastest method of long-distance communication, a young man applied for
a job as a Morse Code operator. Answering an ad, he went to the location and entered a large, busy office
filled with noise and clatter, including the sound of the telegraph in the background. A sign on the receptionist’s
counter instructed job applicants to fill out a form and wait until they were summoned to enter the inner office.
The young man filled out his form and sat down with the seven other applicants. After a few minutes, the young
man stood up and walked into the inner office. The other applicants wondered what was going on. They mut-
tered among themselves that they hadn’t heard any summons yet. They assumed that the young man made a
mistake and would be disqualified.
Within a few minutes, however, the employer escorted the young man to the waiting area and said, “Gentle-
men, thank you for coming, but the job has just been filled.”
The other applicants grumbled, and one spoke up, “Wait a minute, he was the last to come in, and we never
even got a chance to be interviewed. Yet he got the job. That’s not fair!”
The employer said, “I’m sorry, but all the time you’ve been sitting here, the telegraph has been ticking out the
following message in Morse Code: ‘If you understand this message, then come right in. The job is yours.’ None
of you heard it or understood it. This young man did. The job is his.” Author Unknown
You may have to read this a few times: “The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to
notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change until we
notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds.” R. D. Laing
How many times have you heard yourself say something like “I had no idea....” Or I wish I had known.... Or “I
must have missed that.....”
One of my favorite, thought-provoking movies is Lantana (2001). I love it because every character intertwines
with another seemingly unrelated one. Even in the last scene, the jogger from the first scene is in a restaurant
with another character. Thus far, I haven’t encountered anyone who noticed that.
Far too often, we are so distracted with everyday life, information overload, and things pulling at us, that we
often overlook or miss what is going on right in front of us. Sometimes, we are so busy thinking about
ourselves that we can’t really listen to someone or notice our surroundings.
Repeatedly, I see the same people twice in a day. I was in the Post Office and noticed two women chatting.
Then I went to the supermarket (in the next town) and saw those same two women. Once when shopping in
one town, I noticed a family walking past me, and about two hours later, waiting at a red light in another town,
the family crossed the street right in front of my car.
My interpretation is that when we pay attention, we notice all sorts of things that we might otherwise miss. This
leads me to believe that we miss an enormous amount on a regular basis (some of which may be criti-
cally important) because we are so distracted or inwardly focused.
From the telegraph story, we can only imagine what is going on in our environment that we miss. Far too often
there may be great opportunities, clues to something we need to know in order to make better choices, seem-
ingly chance encounters that we otherwise dismiss.
Knowing oneself may prevent you from doing something you might later regret. Awareness is about where
you place attention and can help you:
--make better choices
--feel compassion for another person
--make beneficial changes
--expand possibilities
--know what is important/ not important for you
Think about the times when you realized, after the fact, that you missed clear signals.
Set aside a day where you intentionally notice everything around you. See what happens.
f you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I look forward to hearing
91
Looking Forward 12/2011
This is the time of year where you might be sad that your family gatherings are over for a while, perhaps
joyous that all of the family fallout is behind you, or glad that your trials and tribulations with the holiday
season are over. Whatever you are feeling at this point in time, it is a good time to look forward.
As I’ve said numerous times, I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions because they are comparable
to goals. We can set them all we want, but the chances of actually keeping them and sticking to them
is rather slim. Goals are temporary - something we want and then often something we get. Not really a
formula for sustainability.
I much prefer a vision that includes one key factor. So each year I decide for the coming year, that I will
add, do, change, at least one thing that is a new challenge. I don’t necessarily have a pre-conceived
idea of what that will be. I simply know that by the end of the year, I want to know that I have accom-
plished at least one new and challenging item. It also takes a lot of pressure off as I can choose when
and what at any point. (Past examples: starting this newsletter, teaching a new course, adding a second
mentor group, taking more vacation time, focusing on personal growth, etc.)
One of the things I did this year was add a new laser coaching course strictly for therapists who want to
learn how to coach. That has been a real challenge for all sorts of reasons - particularly with scheduling
and helping them to shift from a therapy perspective to a coaching perspective. No matter what, aside
from challenging, more importantly, it is contributing to my personal growth and awareness.
The new year is a time for reflection as well as a fresh beginning, second chances, and starting
over.
You may find the following questions useful when thinking about the upcoming year:
-- What do I want less of? (i.e. distractions)
-- What do I want to keep? (i.e. my spirit)
-- What do I want more of? (i.e. time for myself)
What can you decide for the coming year that you would like to add, do, change that is not only realistic
but also sustainable? It can be conceptual (such as: adding one challenging item, increasing commu-
nity) or it can be specific.
(If you choose the gym or weight loss as many do (Weight Watchers gets a spike in enrollment every
January), that can be short-lived. The key is to get very clear on the underlying reasons for wanting
this - not just ‘because it will make me healthier.’ That usually isn’t enough of an incentive to keep it
going.)
Happy New Year to everyone.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I look forward
to hearing about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep
them coming!!
92 Not Good Enough 1/2012
Society contributes to reinforcing our negative feelings. It has been statistically proven that fashion models are 23% thinner
than they were 10 years ago. This sets up an expectation and unrealistic standard, and when we feel that we don’t match
this, we conclude that there is something wrong with us. When an unrealistic standard is set, we make a negative, silent
interpretation about ourselves.
A man found a bag filled with balls. They didn’t look like much, so he threw them one at a time into the ocean.
Then he mistakenly dropped one, and it cracked open. Inside was a beautiful, precious stone. He broke open
those remaining and found thousands of dollars worth of jewels.
He had already thrown away many balls with their hidden treasure. Instead of thousands of dollars in riches, he
had very little.
It’s like that with people. There is a treasure in each one of us. We look at someone, maybe even ourselves, and
we see the external vessel. It doesn’t look like much from the outside. It isn’t always beautiful or sparkling, so we
discount it. We see that person as less important than someone more beautiful, stylish, well-known, or wealthy.
We have not taken the time to find the treasure hidden inside another person or in ourselves. Author Unknown
There are so many variations of behaviors and thoughts we think because we believe deep down that we aren’t good
enough. Examples:
We overcompensate - take excessive measures attempting to correct or make amends for an error, weakness or problem.
Typically, one parent believes the other is too strict or too lenient and will go too far the other way to make up for it. Often,
people have a need to overbook, over commit, and do too much, thus avoiding their feelings. Others keep busy to feel im-
portant and better about themselves.
We do things for other people to make ourselves feel better. While it’s always nice to do things for other people, some-
times the motive comes from wanting to feel better about ourselves vs. simply helping someone else. We become overly
concerned or attentive to everyone but ourselves.
We compromise on things we shouldn’t. We might let go or give up on an idea or value to please someone else. We
postpone things that we believe are good for us (medical check-ups).
We get into or stay in toxic relationships (friends, romantic, work). Many relationships are actually damaging to our es-
teem and yet, because we devalue ourselves, we rationalize and somehow justify that it’s okay.
We tolerate unacceptable behavior. Because of our belief that we aren’t good enough, we allow people to say and do
mean or inappropriate things. We might go so far as to take verbal or physical abuse, and at a core level believe that we
deserve to be treated so poorly. We accept harsh words as true. Although, on some level we hear the words as harsh or
mean, on a deeper level, we accept them as truth.
We don’t set and hold good boundaries to protect us. So often, we don’t set limits on what is acceptable and what is not
for other people to do to us. And, if and when we do set limits, we back down and allow the behavior to continue.
We don’t ask for what we want. Because we believe that we don’t deserve good things or a better life, we don’t ask for it.
We purchase things for others but not for ourselves.
We berate ourselves when things don’t go as planned or we think we could have done better. It is all too common
that we beat ourselves up more than anyone else because we feel as though we have failed in some way.... even if it was
a simple, honest mistake. We stay quiet for fear of being wrong or sounding stupid. We don’t realize that making a mistake
or not knowing is acceptable, so we stay quiet and lose out on opportunities.
We seek perfection in ourselves and/ or others. When we can’t be perfect, we give ourselves a hard time. Instead of
being with what is, we might look to others to be perfect (such as our children). OR We are judgmental and critical of others
instead of looking inside, because it’s easier to look elsewhere and see other people’s faults and mistakes than it is to own
up to our own. And, by noticing other people’s faults and mistakes, it makes us feel better--- but only temporarily.
We focus on the negatives. Many good things are taken for granted because we are so focused on the negatives. We
believe that everyone else’s life is better or more important than ours. Instead of looking at all of the good things we have,
the focus turns to everyone else, and the comparisons contribute to our feeling bad about ourselves. The one tiny negative
comment lingers forever; whereas all of the compliments and praise go unnoticed.
It is human nature to build layers and masks on top of who we really are. We forget that we are the jewel inside.
Think about all of the ‘stories’ you make up every day about yourself, about others. What you probably don’t consider is that
IT IS ALL MADE UP. None of them are true - not the good ones, nor the bad ones. You literally make it all up to fit an
idea or image that you or society has created.
93 In and Out of Integrity 2/2012
Integrity is doing the right thing, even if nobody is watching. Jim Stovall
"The check is in the mail." While we often joke about this and use it as a metaphor to represent "I'm already on the case,"
sometimes it is not actually true.
Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people. Spencer Johnson
"I'll call you later" is another commonly heard expression. Many times, the person doesn't actually follow through and views it
simply as an expression. For many, it has become a meaningless statement and other times, we get caught up or distracted
and truly forget. What if we actually made a statement like that and kept our word - every time? What if we made our word
impeccable? That is, we follow through with what we say we will do every time.
With integrity you have nothing to fear, since you have nothing to hide. With integrity you will do the right thing, so
you will have no guilt. With fear and guilt removed you are free to be and do your best. Zig Ziglar
A friend went on vacation and took many photos. She promised to share the photos with several people and collected e-
mail addresses. As it turned out, there was a problem with the camera and the photos didn't turn out. She had no intention
of notifying them that there had been a problem and just planned to move on. When we are in integrity, it means that we
follow through with what we say - no matter what. It's not just actions speak louder than words, it's that actions must follow
words.
Integrity is doing everything in harmony with who we really are. It is important to note that everyone has a different
degree or amount of integrity they need in order to feel good about themselves.
When we take responsibility for our actions and inactions, respond to what is offered or presented, then we are in integrity.
Also, we let go of shoulds, woulds, and coulds. They represent a feeling of regret or second-guessing.
Integrity can take different forms. Examples:

-- promptly returning phone calls and e-mails
-- telling the truth no matter what
-- Following regulations such as speed limits
-- Setting an example or being a role model
-- Following up as promised -- Being truly authentic - our natural selves
For everyone, there are three conditions needed that result in a person having integrity:
Completeness Alignment Responsibility
Are you complete with the past and the present? Is your life balanced and aligned with who you really are? Do you take
responsibility for all that occurs in your life (handle whatever occurs and then make necessary adjustments so this type of
problem does not occur again.) When you take responsibility, you don't blame or complain; instead, simply handle the situ-
ation.
Some general clues that your life is out of integrity:

-- allowing hurtful things
-- holding yourself back
-- hiding behind people instead of being visible
-- missing supportive systems
-- knowingly doing things that do not work for you
Integrity is a personal choice and either you want it for your life or you don't.
• Secific examples of iving out of integrity:
• Working at the wrong job
• Hanging out with a community that does not bring out your best
• Putting yourself at undue physical risk
• Staying in a relationship for the wrong reasons
• Living in a environmentally toxic area
• Living in fear
• Living in debt and not attempting to change it
• Misrepresenting yourself
• Overpromising results
When we live in complete integrity, we never have to look over our shoulder. We live a more peaceful existence with
fewer problems. We tell the truth and follow through with our words.
What is your level of integrity?
Where are you in and out of alignment? What can you do to change that?
How often do you say what you mean and do what you say?
Resource: Thomas J. Leonard - Restore Your Integrity
94 Follow Your Heart 3/2012
It’s hard to imagine that this is the 95th issue (start of the 9th year) of Life’s Little Lessons. Aside from a few repeats, I have
written an article every month for eight years. The toughest challenge for me is finding a topic where I can research ideas
and quotes as well as have relevant client or personal experiences.
In preparing this month’s issue, I started (as usual) by researching and writing about a topic. When I realized that I wasn’t
totally passionate, I abandoned it. At this point, I must have at least 15 ‘started’ lessons.
I read a great story about a woman who wanted to poison her mother-in-law and wanted it to look as though she was com-
pletely innocent. Believing that she was slowly poisoning her, she chose to be as nice and kind as possible to avoid any
suspicion. In that process, her mother-in-law changed and became so kind and loving that the woman then chose to change
her mind and appreciate her mother-in-law’s greatness.
She realized that she wasn’t slowly poisoning her but rather giving her vitamins, and by giving kindness, she received it in
return. I got all excited about using that story and then realized I have already written about “Giving: Give What You Need”
(2004) so that didn’t work.
Then I looked through my ‘started’ Life’s Little Lessons and this quote grabbed my attention:
Do what you feel in your heart to be right -- for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do, and damned
if you don’t. Eleanor Roosevelt
It spoke to me because I had started another topic based on a cartoon that truly resonated with me. When researching the
topic (jealousy and envy), I realized it was quite complex and requires a great deal of thought and examples. That’s usually
my signal to save it for another time.
So, this month I’m going to abide by Eleanor Roosevelt’s words – “Do what you feel in your heart to be right…..” Right now,
that means letting go and not writing a typical lesson when I feel that it would be forced or obligatory just because
it’s time for one. Yes, I expect that some of you will forgive me for not fleshing out a topic as I usually do, and others may
not approve or feel annoyed or disappointed.
In truth, the lesson of ‘following my heart’ is not an easy one. I suspect there will be judgments-- “damned if you do,
and damned if you don’t.” Nonetheless, I’ve learned that going with my gut vs. my thinking can be very healthy. I
don’t really know what you are expecting. It’s all made up in my mind and contributes to my judging myself.
Unfortunately, that’s the way we typically think. We get ideas about what other people will think, how they might judge
us, and then we do things that we don’t really want to do. Sometimes, we convince ourselves that it’s better to do
them just to avoid the supposed judgments instead of staying true to ourselves.
Often, people do something motivated by a ‘should.’ Client example: I need to take that new job because my wife will re-
spect me more. The goal was to help him realize that his perceived idea may or may not be accurate, and more importantly,
dismisses what he really wants. By taking the job, he would give up a part of his authentic Self. By looking closely at the
thoughts that created the notion, he had a choice of being true to himself and potentially earning more respect or compro-
mising himself over an idea that may not be true.
So – I’m letting go of what I ‘should’ do and my perception that you will be disappointed, and sending out this issue.
Below are some profound quotes about letting go.

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar. Raymond Lindquist
Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go. Herman Hesse
The harder you fight to hold on to specific assumptions, the more likely there is gold in letting go of them. John Seely
Brown
There is no need to miss someone from your past. There is a reason they didn’t make it to your future. Unknown
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. Lao Tzu
We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us. Joseph Campbell
When one door closes another door opens; but so often, we look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door,
that we do not see the ones which open for us. Alexander Graham Bell
What does following your heart mean to you?
What idea or perception can you let go of that will help you move forward?
What is keeping you from following your heart? -- Fear of rejection? Not being liked? Perceived regrets? Need for
approval?
95 Waiting 4/2012
A watched pot never boils. (unknown)
I can’t wait for Friday. What’s taking the elevator so long? When will she call? I want an answer now, not in a few weeks.
When will he propose already? How long do I have to wait before hearing from the doctor?
These are common, everyday examples of our impatience. Most people have a hard time waiting - particularly when
there is something specific that they want to get, do, have, etc.
Notably, many of these things are not in our control. There are situations in life where we truly have no say as to ‘when’
they will occur. Yet, we get impatient and anxious and dwell on the time it’s taking.
It is the unknown that drives most of us crazy. That sense and feeling of not knowing when, how, why, where has our
thoughts going rampant. Does that really affect the outcome? Not at all.
Things work out in their own time, so being impatient and constantly checking will just make it seem longer (such as the
boiling water). Although it’s an illusion, it works against us to focus on the time elapsed.
Oftentimes, despite our wanting an answer (or result), we are far better off waiting. For some reason, the time is not right,
the decision may alter many things, the results may not be consistent, etc. (Be careful what you wish for comes to mind.)
Sometimes, jumping to decisions rather than enduring the unknown leads to regret, impulsivity, and haste. Waiting
is considered a positive, powerful action.
I am working with a client whose relationship is in limbo. He expected a solid commitment, but his girlfriend isn’t ready. He
was lamenting about how he wished she would make up her mind. I invited him to consider that it could likely be at least
six months before she is definitive.
Interestingly, that relieved the pressure he was placing on himself. Once he knew that it might be quite a while, he was
able to let go of the constant wondering. He now has a perspective that allows him to relax rather than dwell on his circling
thoughts about ‘when’ and ‘if’ she will commit.
Just as I set an artificial deadline for completing a project - it’s a lot easier to wait for something if you know there’s a
minimum timeframe.
A client is building a house and has been anxious to see it completed. Once we established an outside timeframe (at least
another 3 months, possibly sooner), she was able to let go of the constant fear and anxiety about her move.
When we were younger, we couldn’t wait:

--to be older
--to go off to school
--to be independent
--to make our own decisions - our way.
We couldn’t wait.... But we had to because these things were not in our control. Now when we wait, we often forget that
time is precious.
I can remember meeting a young mother with a small child who, in her frustration, said “I just wish my child would be grown
like yours.” I said to her “nobody’s child grows up instantly.”
I’ve often heard inexperienced professionals say they are waiting to get more experience, training, schooling before declar-
ing themselves as professionals. It’s that waiting that actually stops them from moving forward and gaining the experience
they need. When people wait until they feel ready, generally they never start.
Often, people wish that ended relationships will rekindle. Although the chances are slim to none, the waiting only creates
anxiety and frustration.
We just need to come to terms that things happen when they do and when they come, it will be the right time
whether we agree or not. Waiting serves a purpose. Pregnancy lasts nine months; flowers bloom, butterflies emerge
when ready, etc.
Although waiting isn’t easy or fun, it is often necessary. Usually, the answer is not something that we can control
or ‘make happen.’
When have you lived with unnecessary stress, fear, and anxiety while waiting impatiently for something that eventually
came? What happened to living and enjoying the moment?
What would it be like to wait knowing exactly how long it will take to get an answer? We could let go of the angst in the
meanwhile. So make up an outside timeframe - and then wait patiently.
your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
96 Comfort Zones 5/2012
Comfort zones are most often expanded through discomfort. Peter McWilliams
If you remain in your comfort zone, you will not go any further. Catherine Pulsifer
A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimension. Oliver Wendell Holmes
All of us have a comfort zone where everything feels safe and familiar.
Most people have a favorite pair of slippers, favorite chair, or favorite meal. We are creatures of habit and when
we feel comfortable with something, we want to stick with it as long as possible. It makes it hard to part with an
old sweater or blanket.
In a paradigm shift, whatever you were thinking and believing is changed so dramatically that you can’t
ever go back to how you had been thinking. It represents the concept of a major change in a certain thought
pattern -- a drastic change in personal beliefs, replacing the former way of thinking with a radically different way
of thinking.
But in life, things change. And comfort can, at times, be overrated. All of our ideas, thoughts, values, and be-
liefs are subject to change, but commonly only when we receive evidence that proves that there are other ways
of seeing things.
Look at the box with a larger box around it. We live in the smaller box which represents our world: ev-
erything we believe, think, value, know. Our goal is to discover the unknown - that is, what’s inside the larger
box... all the things we don’t already know, value, think, etc.
Our tendency is to stay in our ‘box.’ However, if we stay there, we will not be challenged, experience per-
sonal growth, or learn new things. In other words, we would stagnate.
Going out of our familiar comfort zone may take courage or a leap of faith. My website has been up since
1998. I specifically chose the colors and style believing I would keep it the same forever. But, truth be told, it was
time for an update. While I was exceptionally resistant to making dramatic changes, I finally let go of the ‘mind
chatter’ and comfort zone that wanted me to keep things as they are. In a short time, the new site will be up, and
it’s clearly a striking departure from the current one.
When working with a client who was widowed, she felt resigned to never eating in a restaurant, attending a
movie or event without a companion. She came to realize there was no shame and that she was the only one to
lose out. Due to her altered thinking, now she has no problem doing things alone ever since she chose to stop
depriving herself of things she enjoyed whether or not someone joins her.
On a recent trip to Europe, my initial plan was to meet my daughter and go exploring. However, before meeting
her, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and travel to Switzerland for a few days - alone. It was quite an
adventure, and in the end, it provided an opportunity to realize that what we think is so ‘out there’ and not
in our paradigm isn’t necessarily all that far fetched. After doing this, I can imagine traveling alone to other
countries - and enjoying the experience.
On a global scale, imagine if people would shift their paradigm of ‘good v. evil’ to one of unity and oneness. A
very different world would emerge. In truth, the common thread in every person (no matter how ‘good or bad’) is
that we are seeking the same thing: to be loved and cared about.
We go around believing that what we think is the only truth, and then oftentimes are surprised that there
are possibilities we hadn’t even imagined.
Sometimes just getting new information can totally shift our thinking. Check out this short video that
makes the point beautifully. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlRK1vqcuvg Click for Video
Where have you placed a limit in your thinking and believed that you couldn’t possibly ______ (fill in the
blank)?
When has there been a time when you truly believed something to be true only to find out it was very different
from what you thought?
Next time you are faced with a challenge that feels impossible, think back to a time when you changed your
perspective entirely.
97 Feelings 7/2012
Confront your fears, list them, get to know them, and only then will you be able to put them aside and move ahead. Jerry Gillies
Far too often, I hear people classify their feelings as ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ If someone feels sad, angry, conflicted, jeal-
ous, disgusted, they claim it’s a ‘bad’ feeling. If someone feels delighted, happy, blissful, confident, they claim it’s
a ‘good’ feeling.
In truth, feelings are neither good nor bad. They simply are feelings. They arise as they do. It’s what we do
about the feeling that makes the difference. For many adults, recognizing feelings and allowing them is new.
Acceptance of our feelings is often all that is necessary to make them go away. If we allow our feelings to pass
through us, accept them, and let them go, the next step comes naturally.
Anxiety/Fear/Despair -- For some people, changing the rules in the middle of the game provokes anxiety. For
others, it could be running late, an upcoming exam, and for some it could be walking into a crowded room. The
point is that everyone experiences anxiety even though there may be different triggers.
Fear is so common and often underlines our inertia, hesitation, uncertainty, etc. Sometimes it is triggered by an
event or circumstances and sometimes by a particular person. Often the fear is greater than the event itself.
Typically, we have fear of: -failure -making a mistake -what others think -success
and that prevents us from doing our best.
Although fear can paralyze us, other times, it’s beneficial; it can arise when there is potential danger and alert us
to be more cautious.
At a very low point, in our life, we may feel despair - hopelessness, gloom, etc. When the world feels as though it
is spinning out of control, our mind makes up stories about how things will play out. There are times that we feel
we just can’t go on and yet, the world still functions despite what happens with us personally.
According to author Harriet Lerner (Dance of Anger) only when we experience our emotions as both poten-
tial stumbling blocks and wise guides--not either/or--can we begin to live more fully in the present and
move into the future with courage, clarity, humor, and hope.
What do these 3 emotions have in common? Fear, anxiety, and despair are feelings that are inevitable, and
everyone experiences them at varying points throughout life.
Below is a story by Gina Barecca to help us handle fear, anxiety, and despair.
Late one night, three demons ambushed an older woman who lived alone. The three demons were manifestations
of her worst nightmares: FEAR, ANXIETY, AND DESPAIR. They made a racket ruining what she held dear, disfigur-
ing what she cherished. They spent hours immersed in their rampage feeling confident because she was alone and
not so young, so why should they stop?”
As they continued, the woman was inconsequential and the destruction had little to do with her. When she started
to build a fire at the hearth, they ignored it. But when they noticed her setting out a kettle, they were baffled.
They ratcheted up their activities. When she calmly set out three cups, they stopped in their tracks.
“What are you doing?” they cried, breathless from their tasks of destruction. “We are everything in the world that is
against you. Why are you boiling water and setting out dishes?”
The woman stared at them. “I know all of you by now. You’ve been here before, and you’ll be here again. You might
as well make yourselves at home.”
Raising one eyebrow and fully meeting their gaze, she asked, “What kind of tea would you like?”
Rather than facing our feelings, ordinarily we deny or suppress them - as if that will make them go away
or change the circumstances. In actuality, that prevents us from being in touch with ourselves and affects our
well being on many levels.
If you feel fear, anxiety, or despair, chances are you are going through an experience. Experiences are memorable
and help shape our lives. No matter how it turns out, they contribute to our wisdom and knowledge about ourselves.
Think about saying “I can” or “I will” and note the difference from “what if?”
What triggers you to feel anxious? (traffic, anger, commitments, deadlines, etc.)
What fears wake you up in the middle of the night? (Lack of time, money, being alone?)
When have you felt hopeless and thought there was no light at the end of the tunnel?
Now imagine INVITING any of these emotions for tea. In other words, noticing them, acknowledging them, and
accepting them for what they are. It’s the negative thoughts that accompany them that take energy and don’t
resolve the problem.
98 Limiting Beliefs 8/2012
One day not too long ago the employees of a large company returned from their lunch break and were
greeted with a sign on the front door. The sign said: “Yesterday the person who has been hindering
your growth in this company passed away. We invite you to join the funeral in the room that has been
prepared in the gym.”
At first everyone was sad to hear that one of their colleagues had died, but after a while they started get-
ting curious about who this person might be. The excitement grew as the employees arrived at the gym
to pay their last respects. Everyone wondered: “Who is this person who was hindering my progress?
Well, at least he’s no longer here!”
One by one the employees got closer to the coffin and when they looked inside, they suddenly became
speechless. They stood over the coffin, shocked and in silence, as if someone had touched the deepest
part of their soul.
There was a mirror inside the coffin: everyone who looked inside it could see himself. There was also a
sign next to the mirror that said: “There is only one person who is capable to set limits to your growth: it
is YOU.” YOU are the only person who can revolutionize your life. You are the only person who can influ-
ence your happiness, your realization, and your success. You are the only person who can help yourself.
Your life does not change when your boss changes, when your friends change, when your parents
change, when your partner changes, when your company changes. Your life changes when YOU change,
when you go beyond your limiting beliefs, when you realize that you are the only one responsible for
your life.
The most important relationship you can have is the one you have with yourself. Author Unknown
Whenever someone is conflicted, stymied, or stuck, there is a limiting belief creating the problem. A ‘lim-
iting belief’ is defined as an invented idea that we believe is true. Inevitably, if we really examine the idea,
we can see that it is not the truth but rather what we have tightly held onto as the truth.
I was working with a client who was regretful that he has been working in the same company for almost twenty
years and has never been promoted despite continuing education and great effort. With some questioning, he
realized that each time there was a job posting, he delayed submitting his resume or missed the deadline. Won-
dering more about that, he realized that his fear was that if he got a promotion, they would discover his weak-
nesses. I pointed out that they already know everything about him and his work. While it sounds so simple, it was
a revelation. Far too often, we create fictional ideas out of our fears that then hold us back. Usually, we
want to blame someone or something external instead of accepting that we are limiting ourselves.
Some of the most common examples of limiting beliefs (that we actually believe are true):
I’m too old to change.
I don’t have the right experience.
I’m not smart enough.
If I do this, then.... some consequence will occur.
I don’t deserve... (I’m not good enough....)
I couldn’t possibly (write a book, sing in front of people, play the lead role, lead a group, etc.)
When reading these few examples, we can see that they are not facts. They are ideas that we have created that
hold us back.
When we believe they are the truth, it keeps us from trying, from growing, from experiencing, etc.
The quote by Robert Schuller comes to mind “What would you attempt if you knew you couldn’t fail?”
If you think about it, there is no truthful answer because we can’t possibly know how something will turn out until
we actually go ahead. The point is that it allows us to wonder, to imagine, and take what we think is a risk be-
cause it’s something that we truly want and have been too afraid to consider.
What will it take for you to ‘go for it’ - to reach beyond what you believe you can do?
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I look forward to hearing about your experiences.
99 A Wise Person 9/2012
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Plato
Imagine if every decision you make is the right one.
Imagine if every time you are faced with a dilemma, you know what to do.
Imagine never giving in to temptation and doing the ‘right’ thing.
While this may sound very ‘pie in the sky’ in truth, it is possible.
Wisdom is having the power of discerning and judging properly as to what is true or right. Wisdom is a
deep understanding and realization of people, events, or situations. Reason and knowledge prevail, not
emotions, to determine one’s actions.
It’s about making the right choice given the situation you are in.
You can:
-- ask people for advice
-- research
-- make lists of pros and cons
-- worry and agonize
but in the end, it’s your decision to make.
Ironically, the true, most aligned answer is usually already inside of us. If we are really honest with our-
selves, often we choose not to think through potential consequences or listen to that inner voice letting
us know something isn’t right (e.g. staying in a job too long, taking the ‘wrong’ job, marrying the ‘wrong’ person).
Wisdom comes with time, experience, and the willingness to maintain an open-mind. While wisdom accumulates
over the years, it requires constant filtering to remove the prejudices and bias, as well as constant reflection and,
on occasion, a willingness to challenge one’s own beliefs and values.
There is a question that you can ask yourself at any moment in time. The question can be a guidepost,
an alter ego, a signal, etc. When you ask yourself this question, you could conceivably know right away what
the answer is, what the best choice is, and what you should do next.
The QUESTION: What would a wise person do?
The question can be used in the most mundane or the deepest, most challenging situation.
Example:
I was working as an examiner for new coaches and felt strongly about the grade I gave to a student. Another ex-
aminer tried to convince me to raise it. On one hand, it was no sweat off my back either way. On the other hand, I
felt strongly that the student didn’t merit a higher grade. When I asked myself “What would a wise person do?”
I decided to hold to my decision and lost the position. I still think it was a good decision albeit with an unfortunate
outcome. We cannot control the outcome - only the choice we make.
We can make sound decisions that have unfavorable endings just as we can make poor decisions that have a
great outcome. And, sometimes choices we make can be altered. Either way, in the end, it’s our integrity and
truth that matters.
Another example: A client was unsure how to discipline and handle a situation with her daughter. When asked
“What would a wise person do in this situation?” she immediately came up with a resolution.
What is it about the question that allows people to make a sensible decision?
It takes people out of their ego and self-judgment and has them thinking ‘outside of the box’ as if they
were helping someone else instead of themselves. It is easier when we are not emotionally involved and
asking this question takes all of the emotion out of the decision.
Using wisdom, you are able to think things through before acting upon them thus usually leaving you peaceful.
Very often, we get a certain ‘gut feeling’ or sense of calm that arises when we intuitively know that something is
right for us.
Think of a time when you were in a difficult situation or had to make a tough decision. Now imagine asking your-
self the question “What would a wise person have done?”
Perhaps you can think of an ethical dilemma you are facing, or you are in a quandary or predicament, or won-
dering how to respond to someone or something, etc. See what happens if you ask yourself “What would a wise
person do?” Hopefully, it will bring you clarity and calm.
100 Focus Factor 10/2012
Don’t focus on the problem; focus on the solution.
Our thoughts create our reality - where we put our focus is the direction we tend to go. Peter McWilliams
What you focus on grows, what you think about expands and what you dwell on determines your destiny.
Imagine walking down the street feeling really good about what you are wearing and how you look. Then some
stranger stops you and says ‘what a great outfit but those shoes look awful.’ Where do we place our focus? Of
course - on the shoes. We start to second-guess ourselves and wonder if there is some truth to that criticism.
Think about the times you were doing a great job on a project, a class, or a performance, and one time you
messed up. How much time do you spend going back to berating yourself for that one time?
If we continue to focus on the negative thing, it takes on a life of its own. It begins to consume our thinking
and soon, we have no recollection of all of the times we did so well or felt so good about our results.
Somehow, for many people, having a problem seems more natural and comfortable. Often, when things are
going rather smoothly, it feels ‘off’ or you find yourself waiting for the ‘other shoe to drop.’ Therefore, it’s
as if you want to focus on a problem so you make a mountain out of a molehill. For many, it’s uncomfortable
and foreign to feel as though everything is running effortlessly. More than likely, this stems from feelings
of “I don’t deserve” or “not good enough.”
And, what’s really common, is if we don’t have a ‘problem of the week’ we tend to get invested in someone else’s
problem. Suddenly, we are very engaged and involved in their problems - as if we have some control over them.
For many of us, admitting that things are okay is extremely difficult. It just feels more natural to have
some sort of problem or dilemma.
Below is a ‘negative’ and ‘positive’ map showing two scenarios where an event produces trauma, emotion, as
well as uncertainty. They are followed by two different paths our minds can take.
“Negative Map” “Positive Map”
Event --- Event
Trauma --- Trauma
Emotion (hurt, fear, conclusion about self) --- Emotion (hurt, fear, conclusion about self)
Uncertainty (lack of conidence/question) --- Uncertainty (lack of conidence/question)
Self-doubt vs. RE-FOCUS stay focused on desired results
and outcome; focus on truth; get results I want
Pessimism vs. Hope
Reduced effort vs. Increased effort
Failure vs. Positive results
In the above example, a person experiences an event (i.e. failing the bar exam) and then feels traumatized. Emo-
tions arise just when we feel uncertain, lose confidence, and begin to question ourselves. When emotions such
as disappointment, disgust, shame arise, we then draw conclusions about ourselves such as:
I’m not smart enough
I didn’t study enough
I was overreaching to believe I could do this
I wasn’t cut out to be a lawyer, etc.
All of this leading to uncertainty, doubt, and a major lack of confidence.
It’s just at the point of really questioning ourselves, we have a choice. We can continue the self-doubt and drift
into the downward spiral that ends in confirming that we aren’t any good (or whatever). OR, we can re-
focus and concentrate on the result or outcome we want (i.e. I really want to be a lawyer) that is anchored
in truth. If we choose to do that, we may begin to feel hopeful and renew our efforts, begin to see some positive
results, and then feel good about ourselves.
Remember a time when things felt on track and yet, that felt uncomfortable. What might you think going forward
when things are feeling good in your life? Think about a traumatizing event where you found yourself in the down-
ward spiral of defeat, felt terrible about yourself, and gave up. And, think about a time when you experienced a
traumatizing event and you remained determined to keep trying to reach your goal despite the obstacles and
setbacks and felt great about the outcome.
What will you choose the next time there is a traumatizing event --the negative or positive map?
101 Skip Resolutions 12/2012
In my mind, resolutions are a waste of time and energy. Why? Because they are too big, too bold, too unrealistic.
Here are the TOP 5 according to Newsweek: have more fun; relax and reduce stress; spend more time with
family; eat better; exercise more. As you can see, they usually imply some huge, drastic change and/or are not
very specific. (i.e. going to lose thirty pounds and exercise as often as possible) Unfortunately, statistics point out
that the chance of someone sticking to a major change is particularly slim. However, do not despair.
When we chunk things down into something doable -- something realistic, something short term, we
have a much higher probability of doing it. And, there’s even a chance of continuing to do it as long as we
don’t put pressure on ourselves.
Instead of resolutions, try something for one week -- literally! The ideal is that once you have survived a week
doing any of these, another week may seem tolerable, and eventually, it may become a new habit.
Examples: If you normally don’t do certain things routinely, here are some suggestions to try FOR ONE WEEK
ONLY:
• Make your bed every day.
• Floss once each evening.
• Leave no dishes or glasses in the sink.
• Clean up one pile somewhere or organize a messy drawer (and throw out unnecessary items).
• Donate (or set aside) one piece of clothing that you no longer wear.
• Call or send a note to one person you haven’t contacted in a while.
• Drink only water.
• Complete things before their deadline.
• Go to the gym one more time than usual (or one less time).
• Get 7-8 hours of sleep each night.
• Don’t watch TV.
• Clean out your car (and keep it that way for the week).
• Wind down at least one hour before going to sleep.
• Read something every day (other than e-mail).
• Raise the price of something you offer.
• Don’t wait to the last minute to do laundry (fill the gas tank).
• Only go one time in a week to the ATM machine.
• Don’t skip any meals.
• Instead of tons of post-its and scraps, write everything in one notebook or on one piece of paper.
• Answer (or don’t answer) your phone when it rings (opposite of your usual).
• Return voice messages within a few hours.
• Respond to e-mails within a few hours so they don’t pile up.
• Open surface mail each day and toss or handle (or put in bill folder) when it comes in.
• Leave your keys in the exact same spot each day.
• Lay out your clothes for the following day.
• Organize your wallet, your pocketbook, or save loose change in one location.
• Get an extra supply of paper towels, or tissues, or toilet paper.
• Empty the garbage before the bag is full.
• Speak about your feelings when they arise (even if it’s to say you need time to respond).
• Fix something that is broken.
• Straighten one room so that a surprise guest would not be a problem.
• Clean something that has been postponed.
• Arrive on time.
• Ask for what you want instead of complaining about what you don’t have.
• Let someone know about something that is not okay to do/say.
• Tell the truth -- no matter what.
Perhaps you will choose one (or more) items from this list or think of one on your own. JUST for one week,
choose one commitment and see what happens. If it works better than you expected, you might want to choose
an additional week to continue your progress. If it was awful and/or too difficult, you may want to modify it and/
or choose something else. The hope is that by trying something small for a very short period of time, it may help
you make a permanent change or at the least, a long-term modification.
102 Love Me, Love Me Not 2/2013
Love yourself first and everything falls into line. Lucille Ball
It’s not your job to like me - it’s mine. - Byron Katie
The first time I heard George Benson’s version of The Greatest Love of All (long before Whitney Houston), one line that
struck me profoundly.... Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.
It seemed like a foreign concept. How could I ever truly love myself when I’ve made so many mistakes, made some awful
choices, said some things I regret, etc.?
Think about how many times someone asks you what you want for your life and often your response is more like “I know
that I don’t want....” What stops us from being able to know without question exactly what we do want?
After attending a full day conference with Louise Hay and Cheryl Richardson, among others, I looked for a common theme
out of the 8 or 9 presentations. It seemed clear that each person’s story of rising up from the bottom of despair to something
powerful was consistently about learning to know and love themselves.
It seems odd, if you think about it, that we have tremendous difficulty truly loving ourselves. Narcissists aside, they appear
to love themselves (on the outside - not from deep inside). Our tendency is to minimize and stifle our dreams, talents, and
strengths for fear that we might appear conceited or arrogant. Or, that we will succeed and that will bring consequences.
Or, that we will fail again as in the past and prove that we are not worthy.
One thing that was said at the conference that stood out: Although we tend to believe that fear is our number one killer,
it is actually doubt. Think about all of the times you didn’t move forward, or make a certain choice to go for what you really
wanted because you doubted that:
--it was possible,
--you could achieve it,
--you were good enough, strong enough, smart enough, etc.
We get so focused on a past mistake, a missed opportunity we let go by, a putdown we bought into and accepted as truth,
that we don’t realize that at any moment, we are capable of something new and possible.
We are experts at beating ourselves up if we don’t live up to our standards. As humans, we need comfort and nurturing,
not criticism. Yet, we are masters of condemning ourselves and of self-doubt.
How can we go about learning to love ourselves with all of our faults, misgivings, and past choices?
We must realize that the past is part of being human. We must learn to forgive ourselves and look at what we have learned
from things that didn’t go as we had hoped.
Our goal is to be able to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, and live healthy lives despite what family, friends,
colleagues, neighbors, acquaintances say or do.
Consistently, we send negative messages to ourselves. Examples:

I’m stupid. What was I thinking?
Why can’t I figure this out? Everyone else can.
It’s all my fault.
Each time you hear that ‘negative’ message, you can quickly change it to something more true and nurturing.
Examples: I’m a loser. -- That wasn’t the best choice, and next time, I’ll choose differently.
I should know better. -- I didn’t realize other options and that’s okay.
That was really dumb. -- I did my best in the moment.
Build in (not fit in) what helps you flourish. Add fun activities, surround yourself with good people, develop a hobby, allow
time just for you, etc. Do at least one thing every day that makes you feel good.
We may have allowed others to treat us poorly. Wasn’t that enough? Let’s not repeat that and instead treat ourselves well.
Cheryl Richardson (Oprah coach) spent the last few days with Debbie Ford (prominent author) before she died and shared
her message.....
“Please tell people that they do not cause their own illness - it’s a ridiculous notion that creates so much needless pain. All
illness, including my cancer, is an invitation to love ourselves more,” she insisted. With her signature shadow laugh, she
added, “The truth is, in the end, that’s what life is all about anyway - learning to love ourselves more.”
The next time you catch yourself saying something negative about yourself, see if you can quickly change it to something
more truthful. Stop criticizing, start praising and forgiving yourself.
103
See the Light 3/2013
Use those talents you have. You will make it. You will give joy to the world. Take this tip from nature: The woods
would be a very silent place if no birds sang except those who sang best. Bernard Meltzer
The Master had been on his deathbed in a coma for weeks. One day he suddenly opened his eyes to find his fa-
vorite disciple there. “You never leave my bedside, do you?” he said softly.
“No, Master. I cannot.”
Why?
“Because you are the light of my life.”
The Master sighed. “Have I so dazzled you, my son, that you still refuse to see the light in you?” --Anthony de Mello
Everyone has gifts, talents and strengths. Yet, our tendency is to focus on our shortcomings and what we missed or don’t know.
Since the topic of undermining ourselves has been addressed many times in various ways (and seems to continu-
ously have merit), suffice it to say that at this point, it might behoove you to learn to appreciate your true value.
Recently, I met with a friend who reminded me about things that she admires and observes about things that I offer. Nor-
mally, I would have simply stayed quiet or said something dismissive. It was in the way that she shared, I realized that they
weren’t things that she might say about anyone - they were specific to me. It actually had me thinking about those things and
realizing that I take them for granted. I would not think of these as special until I thought about my friends, clients, students,
family, etc. Then I realized how these characteristics are not common across the board.
There are some questions and clues to help you recognize where your strengths and gifts are. These are not necessarily
simple, quick answer questions, but rather ones where you may need to dwell a bit and/or come back to them.
Think about what you offer. What makes you special? Unique? What value do you bring to other people? to yourself?
What would a friend say about you if he/she wanted someone to understand how important you are in your relationship?
What is something that you are so good at that doesn’t require any effort and most likely you have been taking it for granted?
Hints to recognizing your gifts and talents:

--You can do it or learn it with ease
--It comes naturally to you
--You look forward to doing it
--Time seems to go quickly when you’re doing it
Talents and gifts can be as simple as ‘highly organized, great memory, good common sense, perseverance, etc. It doesn’t
necessarily just have to be something obvious like cooking, art, music, or dance, but it might be.
More examples of talents that you may not recognize as such:
Staying calm under pressure
Organizing events
Establishing instant rapport
Gardening or a green thumb
Generating ideas
Quick wit
Identifying resources
Story telling
When you see other people struggling with something and you wonder what makes it so hard for them, that’s a clue
that it is a gift or talent for you.
When was the last time you silently complimented yourself... just because? Or for an accomplishment or achieve-
ment, or for being courageous, honest at a difficult time, giving and wanting nothing in return, supplying an answer or solu-
tion, your creativity, etc.
Think of a time when someone acknowledged something you did and you dismissed it as ‘no big deal.’ Perhaps at the time
it didn’t seem very big to you, but to someone else it did. That’s a clue that you are not seeing your own light.
Resources: http://www.manifestyourpotential.com http://ianpaulmarshall.com
104 Success Redefined 5/2013
In the late 90’s, Thomas Leonard, founder of coaching as we know it today, felt compelled to redefine success.
When you ask someone what does successful mean? Typically you hear answers such as:
--someone who is wealthy
--someone who is famous (artist, singer, performer)
--someone who doesn’t have to work
--someone who can do what they want whenever they want, etc.
Because we are so bombarded with outside influences - especially the media, billboards, etc., we have come to
believe that success is measured by money and material things.
Thomas realized that there are so many people who have plenty of money, don’t have to work, who are fa-
mous, etc. and yet, they don’t feel successful. There was a recent story of a physician making over $525,000
per year who honestly believed he wasn’t rich and didn’t have enough. He drove a ‘regular’ car and felt judged
by those around him.
Sadly, this is not an isolated case. Many people believe that climbing the ladder or reaching a monumental
achievement that results in money equates to being successful.
Arianna Huffington’s speech at a college commencement summed up what Thomas believed years before.
At the moment, our society’s notion of success is largely composed of two parts: money and power. In fact,
success, money, and power have practically become synonymous.
But it’s time for a third metric -- one founded on well-being, wisdom, our ability to wonder, and to give back.
Money and power by themselves are a two-legged stool -- you can balance on them for a while, but even-
tually you’re going to topple over. And more and more people, very successful people, are toppling over.
Basically, success the way we’ve defined it is no longer sustainable for human beings or for societies. To
live the lives we want, and not just the ones we settle for, the ones society defines as successful, we need
to include the third metric. Arianna Huffington
According to Thomas, defining success means that you have identified the 3 key relationships or other
elements of life that are most important to you at this time. It is about knowing what drives you, focusing on
what is important to you, and experiencing joy in your personal and professional life.
Once you define it for yourself, it sets you free. Otherwise, it is likely defined by society or someone else and
confines you to striving, climbing, and comparing.
If success is defined based on who you are instead of what you have/don’t have, chances are you will get a more
appropriate job, change some of your relationships, and eliminate things that don’t really work for you.
The key is to define internal, personal benchmarks that fit for you and who you are as a person.
When Thomas designed this module, he insisted on starting with very particular wording that can’t be altered
(although consistently people want to change it because it seems awkward).
The sentence begins with: I know how successful I am by how.....

Weak example: I know how successful I am by how creative I am.
Strong example: I know how successful I am by how much I am enjoying my creativity.
Weak example: I know how successful I am by how peaceful I feel.
Strong example: I know how successful I am by how often I feel at peace.
In both instances, the second example is more measurable at any point in time. And, following these examples,
if you are not enjoying your creativity or feeling peaceful, you simply change what you are doing or find a way
to create it. BTW, my personal statement: I know how successful I am by how little agitation I feel. It’s a great
barometer for me throughout the day.
Think about how you have been defining success for yourself. See if you are willing to redefine it based on who
you are vs. what you have/don’t have. Come up with your own statement that speaks to you and one that lets
you check in with yourself at any moment. If you find it difficult, feel free to contact me, and I will help you hone
your statement.
about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-)
About Marion
105
Laser Coach Training

Mentoring, Life Coaching
Marion Franklin, MS, MCC

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zyQ_kM5OJpA
As a Master Certified Coach (MCC)** since 2006, and a Professional Certified Life Coach (PCC) since 1998,
Marion is a former faculty adjunct teacher at Coachville/The School of Coaching currently teaching her own
unique program that offers ICF CCEU’s (Coaching Continuing Education Units towards certification or renewal
of) Laser Coach Your Way to Sustainable Success - Intensive--a 12-week intensive course emphasizing master-
ful coaching skills (formerly known as Learn How to Coach). She facilitates an ongoing Mentor Practicum, one
of the few supervision groups for coaches.
Marion is a co-author of 7 Simple Secrets to Successful Workshops and provides consulting services for
the design and delivery of workshop presentations on a global basis. For 12 years she attended the School of
Practical Philosophy that emphasizes putting philosophical principles into practical terms.. She is a member of
ICF - New York City Chapter and has a Master’s Degree in Business and in Education, co-founded a healthcare
publishing company, and taught High School Business Education.
Aside from coach training and mentoring, Marion finds it critical to maintain individual coaching clients. It’s
through her clients, that she is richly rewarded as they move closer to their vision. She has worked with clients
in large corporations dealing with the stresses of the workplace as well as clients who want to get into (or out of)
a relationship. She loves working with clients who are experiencing a conflict or struggle in any of their relation-
ships: boss, employee, co-worker, significant other, family dynamics, etc.
Marion has been interviewed on television for her coaching expertise. She has been a featured guest speaker
and presenter at meetings and retreats throughout the northeast, is a recurring lecturer for an ongoing Women’s
Series, and has been cited in The Journal News and The Wall Street Journal.
Currently, Marion is serving as an examiner and supervisor for students in the Executive Coaching program at
the University of Texas, Dallas. Formerly, she served as an examiner for the Columbia University Coaching Cer-
tification program. She presented four of the Coaching Core Competencies at the Annual ICF Conference. Exec-
utives from the following corporations have sought Marion’s coaching expertise: Abbott Laboratories, Reader’s
Digest, Exxon-Mobil, Toys “R” Us, Pepsico, AT&T, Prudential, JP Morgan Chase, Kraft Foods, Maryknoll Broth-
ers and Sisters, and the US Tennis Association. She coaches executives as well as entrepreneurs to hone their
leadership qualities, enhance communication skills, and strengthen interpersonal relations and is in demand for
her laser approach and direct style of coaching.
© 2004-13. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com

LLL Book

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

You might also like

LLL Book

Uploaded by

Document Information

Original Title

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

LLL Book

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

Laser Coach Training

Mentoring, Life Coaching

Marion Franklin, MS, MCC

If you want to SUBSCRIBE to receive upcoming newsletters, please click

If we think of an invitation as an opportunity for something positive, or something better, we may be

"I" Message "Typical Response"

What is missing (do you ‘feel’ is missing) in your life?

A personal example: My type of vacation or true relaxation is to go to an island where I can

If you don't want to do something, one excuse is as good as another.

By definition forgiveness means: To cease to feel resentment against

What has you believing that you can’t have more?

What allows some people to ‘go for it’ ?

What is the common denominator?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

By definition, compassion is about forgiveness, tenderness, heart, and kindness. It is a sympa-

So often, it is too easy to take so much for granted.

Here’s the story that immediately spoke to me ….

The Chess Game Zen

INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT (couldn’t skip this one)

All the world is a stage,

This story arrived in my inbox and illustrates the point.

THE LONE COW (author unknown)

Pain is no longer pain when it is past. Margaret J. Preston

Echo - an excerpt from “Become a Better You” by Joel Osteen

When we take a chance in life, we plant a seed of possibility.

Arrogance diminishes wisdom. Arabian proverb

G-d helps those who help themselves. Algernon Sidney

Where’s the Line?

Think of the times when someone has said to you:

What if you want to keep going against all odds?

Happy New Year to everyone.

Integrity can take different forms. Examples:

Some general clues that your life is out of integrity:

Below are some profound quotes about letting go.

When we were younger, we couldn’t wait:

Consistently, we send negative messages to ourselves. Examples:

Hints to recognizing your gifts and talents:

Resources: http://www.manifestyourpotential.com http://ianpaulmarshall.com

The sentence begins with: I know how successful I am by how.....

Laser Coach Training

Marion Franklin, MS, MCC

You might also like