One Hundred Miles an Hour In My Head

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/56638996.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandom: 9-1-1 (TV)
Relationship: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Characters: Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Christopher Diaz (9-1-1
TV)
Additional Tags: Post-Season/Series 07, Jealous Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Collections: 911 & 911 Lone Star Action for Gaza
Stats: Published: 2024-06-14 Words: 7,933 Chapters: 1/1
 One Hundred Miles an Hour In My Head
by Chash

Summary

Buck sort of assumed that, at some point, he'd evolve out of being needy and insecure. And,
to be fair, in some ways, he probably has. He feels a lot more confident existing in the world
than he did when he was a kid. He's sure he has the right job, and he mostly thinks that if he
got hurt badly enough that he couldn't be a firefighter anymore, he'd figure out another thing
to do and another way to help people instead of spiraling like he did after his leg got crushed.
He knows who he is, and he knows that he's valued for it. Sometimes, he even thinks stuff
might someday be good with his parents.

And then there's Eddie.

Notes

This is another prompt fill for 911 Gotcha for Gaza! The event is in the last week, so if you're
interested in participating please head on over to the tumblr and check it out. This fill is for
evanraeken and we definitely ended up with a heavier focus on insecure Buck than
miscommunication, but I hope you enjoy!
Buck sort of assumed that, at some point, he'd evolve out of being needy and insecure. And,
to be fair, in some ways, he probably has. He feels a lot more confident existing in the world
than he did when he was a kid. He's sure he has the right job, and he mostly thinks that if he
got hurt badly enough that he couldn't be a firefighter anymore, he'd figure out another thing
to do and another way to help people instead of spiraling like he did after his leg got crushed.
He knows who he is, and he knows that he's valued for it. Sometimes, he even thinks stuff
might someday be good with his parents.

And then there's Eddie.

Buck wants to be cool about Eddie. He really does. He's never been as weird about Eddie as
he was during the Tommy period, but there had definitely been a part of him that hoped that
would also be the end of it. He'd gotten so insecure that he injured Eddie, he'd had a sexuality
revelation, and he and Eddie came out the other side still as close as ever.

It had made Buck a little cocky, probably. Yes, he'd been a disaster, but it obviously wasn't
just that Eddie had a friend. The sexuality crisis was probably the big thing. Eddie is totally
allowed to have friends.

But then, Eddie joins The Group.

Chris has been gone for two weeks, and Buck is doing his best to both support Eddie and not
freak out too much. Chris got over the full silent treatment after a week, but now he has kind
of the vibe of someone rebounding after a bad breakup. He's posting pictures of himself
doing boring things in Texas with really over-enthusiastic captions and pretending like his
grandmother's cooking is as good as Buck's, like Buck didn't have dinner with Helena and
Ramon after the wildfires. Buck was a better cook than she was even then, and he's spent
years honing his skills since.

So, yeah, no matter how transparent the whole thing feels to Buck, it's obviously hitting
Eddie hard, on top of everything else that's hitting Eddie hard right now, so when he says he
can't hang out because he joined a support group for widows and widowers, Buck is
genuinely and uncomplicated thrilled.

"I think that's a great idea. Did Frank recommend it?"

Eddie huffs. "Yeah, more than once. I always told him I didn't need it, but…"

"But maybe you do."

"I wish I'd done it when she died," he says. "Or at least a couple years after. Going in five
years later…" He shakes his head. "It shouldn't still be fucking me up this bad."

"You don't think you're going to be the only one there whose spouse died more than five
years ago, do you?"

"No."
"And are you going to tell them they should be fine by now?"

Eddie's mouth twitches a little. "Yeah, Buck. I'm going to go into my first meeting and start
making fun of everyone who's still grieving after more than five years."

"Well, it sounds like you are going to make a lot of friends," Buck teases, and that gets an
actual laugh. He's definitely been doing better since Chris started talking to them again, but
saying he's good would be stretching it. Even "not bad" might be an overstatement.

But Buck can still make him laugh, every now and then.

"Text me after," he tells Eddie. "Let me know how it goes."

"I will, yeah. Have a good day."

Buck has a decent day. He gets some sleep and does some errands and has dinner with
Maddie and Chim and Jee-Yun. He texts Chris about the video game he's been playing and
Chris texts back that he hasn't really been playing a lot of video games since he got to Texas,
which Buck assumes means that his grandparents don't approve of video games. Which
makes sense, but also seems like another sign that Chris won't make it there that much longer.

He and Tommy broke up recently enough that he's still forgetting sometimes and nearly texts
him, but whenever he actually opens the text chain, he sees the okay, I'll come grab it
tomorrow, thanks at the bottom and remembers it was about the box of things Tommy left at
his place.

It wasn't a bad breakup, not really. But Chris leaving threw into sharp relief how big a part of
Buck's life he is, and how Buck would someday like at least one more kid, and Tommy
doesn't want that. It felt a little more mature and grown up than his other breakups, two adults
looking at the future and deciding what they wanted wasn't compatible, but that didn't make it
hurt any less.

Eddie texts around nine and just says: I think it's going to be good for me, and Buck really
does mean it when he says, Good.

New people creep into Eddie's stories slowly, and Buck recognizes the spike of jealousy
every time it happens, but he's a little better about dealing with it. Eddie is still allowed to
have other friends, and it's good that he does. He and Buck can talk about Shannon--and they
have been, more, since everything happened, Eddie trying to open up and work through his
feelings so they don't blow his life up again--but Buck doesn't get it, not really. And he knows
he's lucky he doesn't, but it still makes him ache that there are things he can't help Eddie with.

There are three people in particular Eddie seems to get along with, two women and one guy,
and Buck is varying degrees of threatened by all three of them. The least worrying is
Mariana, a fifty-something Mexican lesbian who seems to regard Eddie as something
between a nephew and baby brother. She clearly offers him a dynamic Buck can't, and Buck
feels fairly confident that he and Mariana would get along great if they ever met. But then
there's Jackie, who is about Eddie's age, whose husband also served in Afghanistan, but he
didn't make it home, and Buck can't help worrying that Eddie is going to fall for her. And it's
not like he wants Eddie to be alone for the rest of his life or anything, but…

Eddie hasn't had any girlfriends he really talked to before. From what Buck could tell, he
wasn't even that good at talking to his wife, most of the time. So Buck has gotten used to
being his sounding board, and it's weird to hear that he's gone to Jackie or Paul instead.

Paul is bad in the same way Tommy was bad, except that Buck doesn't actually know Paul,
which doesn't make anything better, as it turns out. All he knows is that Paul's a few years
older than Eddie and he has a son about Chris's age, which means that Buck's anxieties can
fill in all the other details. The Paul who lives in his head rent free is a couple inches taller
than Buck, not actually stronger, but he doesn't tie his ego to his body, so he's still coming out
ahead. He's a doctor or a professor or something that requires a lot of school, and he always
has all the answers, especially about parenting. He has a British accent for no reason except
that Buck thinks it's cool and fancy.

If he actually talked to Eddie about any of the things he's feeling, they could absolutely sort
everything out in about thirty seconds. Buck knows they could. But the problem is that if he
mentions his whole jealousy issue to Eddie, Eddie might stop, like he stopped being friends
with Tommy. And Buck knows that there were a lot of other factors there, like Buck dating
Tommy and Eddie meeting Kim and destroying his own life, but still. Sometimes Buck can't
help looking back and thinking that he stole Eddie's friend, and it was kind of a dick move.

And, really, no matter what Buck's stupid, overthinking brain tells him, Eddie isn't replacing
him, so they don't need to talk about it. Eddie goes to his group on Tuesday or Thursday,
depending on his schedule, and after a couple weeks he starts grabbing lunch with his group
friends if he has a Saturday or Sunday off. Most free nights Eddie has, he and Buck are
hanging out, and plenty of his free days, too. It's not actually a big deal at all.

"What do you talk about, anyway?" he asks, when Eddie comes over for dinner and video
games after one of his lunches on Saturday. "Like, do they have discussion topics or is it
more freeform?"

Eddie doesn't seem surprised by the question, which means he either knows Buck is
obsessing about it or just figures that Buck is always curious about everything. Buck's hoping
it's the latter.

"It's pretty freeform. We go around, introduce ourselves, talk about our weeks, how we're
feeling, anything we struggled with. Usually the conversation flows pretty easily but the
moderator has prompts if we need something to talk about."

"Do you, uh..." He swallows, tries not to feel like an asshole. "I know you've been trying to
bring her up more, but should I be asking more? I sort of thought you didn't want to talk
about her much."

"I don't," says Eddie, with a wry smile. "But that's why it's good. Once a week, it's Shannon
time. And having some dedicated time when I think about her is easier. That way she doesn't
just kind of…creep in everywhere."
"I'm really glad."

He runs his hand through his hair. "Might be too late for Chris, but..."

"Hey, don't say that. If he wasn't just as stubborn as you, he would be back already. He's
going through video game withdrawal, he made me sign up for Discord so I could stream
Hades for him."

"I only understood like half those words."

"It's a good thing, trust me."

"I do. But I was talking to Paul, and he was telling me about his kid giving him the silent
treatment for four months. Four months." He runs his hand through his hair. "I just...I feel
like if he starts school there, it's all over. I'll have to move back."

Buck's stomach drops. "You'd do that?"

"I don't want to. But this is about Chris, and if he wants his life to be in Texas..."

"Have you asked him about it?"

"Not yet. I'm giving it another week, then I'm going to bring up school. Just to see how he's
feeling about it."

Buck swallows his first question--what about me?--and goes with his second instead. "What
if he doesn't want you there?"

"He doesn't have to live with me, but...I can't be away from him for a whole year. I just can't."

"No, I know. But..." He lets out a breath and allows himself to ask, "What about me?"

Eddie gives him a look. "You don't have to move to Texas, Buck."

His heart sinks. "I know."

"I don't want to leave. I'm not planning to. But I have to think about it. The longer I'm not
with him, the more I feel like…" He makes a frustrated noise. "At least Paul could see his son
when he was getting the silent treatment, you know?"

"Yeah. It's just…" He tries to put the right words together, but it's too big. He wants to know
if he could move to Texas. If it's allowed. Because he would, in a second. If that's where
Eddie and Chris are, that's where Buck wants to be. But it's a lot to ask, right? And that's
assuming Eddie wants to ask. Eddie might think it was weird or creepy, if Buck offered to
leave his entire life behind to move to El Paso, but he doesn't know what else he could do. If
Eddie goes, Buck will end up there anyway, as inevitable as breathing.

And Eddie might just tell him to turn right around and go back to California.

"Don't rush into it," he finally says, and Eddie shrugs.

"What else can I do?"

Buck has some ideas, but at the same time, he knows it's all selfishness. Of course Eddie
wants to be with Chris. Of course if Chris stayed in Texas, he'd go there. And of course, Buck
doesn't factor into the equation at all. Why would he?

"I guess that makes sense," he says, with the best smile he can manage. "Okay, what are we
playing?"

Eddie lets the subject change slide, and they play video games until Eddie has to take off. It's
eight-thirty in California, an hour later in Texas, so Buck rolls the dice and calls Chris. It's
obviously not the first time they've talked, but it's the first time he's called on the phone
instead of chatting over text messages or Discord. Still, Chris picks up after only a few rings
and sounds happy about it. "Hi, Buck!"

"Hey, buddy. How's Texas?"

"Boring."

He tries not to smile. "Yeah? So why are you still there?"

"I can't come back. I'm not ready."

Buck can so clearly see his small, determined face, and he aches with wanting to see it in
person. "Okay, I get that, but listen. Your dad is talking about moving to Texas."

Chris is quiet for a long time. "Why?"

"Because you're there, and if you stay there, he's going to go there too."

"But he loves California."

"He loves you," Buck points out fondly.

"I don't want him to come here."

"Yeah, I didn't think you did. I'm not saying you have to come home tonight. But your dad
wants you to be happy, and he misses you. If he thinks you like it there, and you keep telling
him you like it there and you're not coming back…"

Chris huffs with annoyance, sounding so much like Eddie. "Yeah, I get it. Thanks for telling
me, Buck."

Buck is sort of hoping Chris will ask about Buck himself, but of course he doesn't, and Buck
reminds himself that Chris has no interest in anyone moving to Texas, so of course he's not
asking if Buck will. It would be like if he said Eddie was planning to drive off a cliff and he
wanted Chris to ask if Buck was planning to be in the car too.

Which he probably would be, but he recognizes that that's not the point.
"Yeah. I know he wants you to take as long as you need, but…I thought you'd want to know
before he started looking for houses."

"Tell him not to look for houses!"

"You tell him. I think he'd listen to you a lot more than me."

Chris sighs. "I guess." There's some noise on his end. "Oh, I guess it's getting late. I'm not
allowed to use my phone for half an hour before bed."

"Okay. Good to talk to you, I love you."

"I love you too," says Chris. Someday, those words will stop being automatic for him, but
Buck thinks that phase won't last long. Maybe a year or two of surly teenage embarrassment
before he just loves people again.

He's a good kid. He'll figure it out.

At first, Buck doesn't tell Eddie about his conversation with Chris because he doesn't want to
get Eddie's hopes up. Then, as the week wears on, he doesn't tell Eddie because he's afraid it
didn't work and Chris has actually decided he wants Eddie to move to Texas, which seems
really unlikely, but Buck doesn't know what else Chris is waiting for.

Whatever it is, it comes on Saturday. Buck and Eddie were supposed to go to a rage room
after Eddie's widower lunch because Buck really wants to break some shit for reasons that
probably have nothing to do with Eddie and Chris, but instead Eddie calls him, and Buck
barely has time to worry that he's canceling to go out with Paul or Jackie before Eddie is
saying, "Chris wants to come home."

Buck grins. "Really?"

"Yeah. I'm on my way to the airport."

"Do you need anything?"

"Paul is giving me a ride, so I'm hoping you can pick us up tomorrow?"

Us. Chris and Eddie. Finally. It's such good news he barely even cares that Paul is the one
driving Eddie and not him. "Yeah, of course. Just text me when your flight comes in."

"Thanks, Buck."

It turns out Eddie and Chris aren't coming home until Sunday afternoon, Buck assumes to try
to keep some peace with Eddie's parents, and every minute that Buck has to wait feels like an
hour. He goes over to Maddie's to let Jee tire him out, which helps, but he still wakes up way
too early on Sunday morning, giddy with anticipation like it's Christmas. Of course he knows
that Chris coming home won't solve everything in his life or Eddie's, but it's a good first step.
The best first step.
Chris calls him around ten, and Buck picks up with a grin, "Hey! Is your dad there?"

"Yeah. They've been fighting all morning, but I think Dad is winning."

"That's good. Do you need me?"

"Um, well, Dad and I were talking and we think maybe his friend Paul is going to come get
us from the airport?"

Buck's entire stomach drops, but he somehow manages to keep his voice steady. "Yeah? Why
were you thinking that?"

"He's got a kid too!" Chris says, the excitement clear in his voice. "And two dogs. And Paul
asked if we wanted to have dinner at their place and I can meet his son and the dogs and he'll
show me his Steam Deck."

Buck takes a few breaths and counts to five. This is not an attack on him. Paul has not, with
malice aforethought, decided to sabotage Buck's life by inviting Eddie and Chris over for
dinner. It's a nice gesture! Eddie was probably worrying in the car on the way to the airport,
and Paul offered his cool son and his two dogs and his Steam Deck as something new and
exciting, unlike Buck, who is something old.

Okay, even that's giving himself too much of a place in the conversation. They probably
didn't talk about Buck at all, and they shouldn't have. This is about Chris, and what's best for
him, and Chris obviously loves this plan. And that's what matters.

"Yeah, of course," he says, smiling so that maybe Chris will hear it in his voice and believe it.
"Yeah, that sounds awesome."

"Dad said you could come too."

Buck really tries to think of something that would be more awkward than him crashing this
dinner and comes up blank. Judging from past experience, if he did go, he'd probably
somehow manage to break Eddie's arm, at minimum. No one needs to see how badly he
could fuck this one up.

"No, that's okay, I'm having dinner with my sister. But I'll see you on Tuesday, okay?"

"Tuesday?" Chris asks, and the deep personal offense in his voice goes a long way to making
Buck feel better.

"Yeah, we're on our 48-off right now, we have work tomorrow. Bobby will probably give
your dad the day off if he wants it, but that means I'll have to work twice as hard to pick up
the slack."

Chris is silent for a moment then says, "Okay, one second."

There's a clattering sound and Buck smiles even through the tightness in his chest. Chris
could have just taken his phone with him, but he apparently opted to drop it instead.
Buck loves that kid.

He comes back after a few minutes to say, "Do you want to drive us to Paul's house?"

The relief is instantaneous. "Yeah, that sounds great."

Buck does two loops around the terminal before Eddie and Chris actually get out, and his
heart actually stops at the sight of the two of them. Eddie looks better than he has in weeks,
grinning at Chris like he's never seen anything better, and Buck gets it. He doesn't know if
Chris actually got taller or it just feels that way, like he grew up in the last month and change,
like there's evidence of it Buck can see.

Even though he's definitely not supposed to, Buck gets out of the car to give Chris a hug
while Eddie is loading his suitcase. Chris laughs and hugs back, but then immediately sobers,
like he's just reminded himself that he's mad.

"Hi, Buck," he says, deliberately stiff and formal, and Buck tries to swallow his smile.

"Hey, Chris. Thanks for coming home."

"I only got to use my Switch for half an hour a day," he complains as Buck gets the door for
him. "They made me quit in the middle of a Fortnite game."

"Half an hour?" Buck asks, not having to fake his horror. Eddie limits screen time, but that's
excessive.

"Right? And then just an hour of TV. And they didn't take me to the library enough to get
books, I don't know what they wanted me to do."

"If I was trying to convince a kid to want to live with me, I would definitely be bribing him,"
Buck says. "If you ran away from Eddie to me, I would have let you eat ice cream for
breakfast and stay up all night playing Fortnite."

Eddie climbs into shotgun and flashes Buck the best smile he's seen in months. "Thanks for
coming to get us. Please don't try to convince Chris to come live with you."

Buck grins. "That would just be if I wanted to keep him. I'm still not sure."

"What kind of ice cream for breakfast?" Chris asks, but it's clearly a joke, and Eddie laughs.

"We can have waffles tomorrow if you play your cards right."

"So if I come over," Buck says. "You need to put in the address, I don't know where I'm
taking you."

"You could still come with us," Eddie reminds him. "Paul's been wanting to meet you."

Buck frowns. "Really?"

"Yeah, of course. You're my best friend, I talk about you all the time. And he knows how
much you've missed Chris."

"How much?" Chris asks.

"Like on a scale from one to ten?" Eddie asks, his voice light, but Buck can hear the
undertone of tension, like he's really worried he's going to say the wrong thing. "At least
eleven."

"Fifteen some days," Buck adds.

"I missed you too," Chris says, a little quietly. "But I'm still not forgiving you."

"I know," Eddie says. "I'm working on it. Doing better. That's how I met Paul. We're both in a
group for people who lost their spouses. I'm trying to talk about it more, so I can figure out
how I'm feeling. I didn't even know how much I was bottling up."

"What's his son's name?" Chris asks.

"Jason."

"And he lost his mom too?"

"His dad."

Buck definitely would have remembered if Eddie had mentioned that. Ever since he realized
his own sexuality, he's been even more aware of other queer people, which Hen told him was
pretty normal. And obviously it doesn't matter that Paul had a husband, but it's weird Eddie
didn't mention it, right? Buck knew about Mariana and Jackie's spouses, but not Paul's. And
part of that is on him for not asking, but Eddie didn't mention it either.

"But he knows what it's like," Chris says, and Buck feels like an asshole again. None of this
is about him. It doesn't matter if Paul is queer, or if Eddie happened to tell Buck about it or
not. He's Eddie's friend, and he's helping Eddie. He'll probably help Chris too. This is all
good news.

"Yeah," Eddie says. "So, Buck, what do you think? Are you coming?"

Buck pulls himself out of his thoughts with an effort. "Not tonight. But I would love to meet
Paul and your other support group friends some other time. Hey, now that Chris is back,
maybe we could have a barbecue or something! Welcome back party."

"At my place?" Eddie asks, sounding dubious. "I don't really have a great space for it."

"Yeah, but Cap's house burned down, so…"

"Maybe Hen would let us do something. Or even Paul, he's got a big place."

Buck isn't jealous. He has absolutely no reason to be jealous. His hands definitely aren't white
on the steering wheel. "Yeah, that sounds fun."
*

Chris coming back should make things better, and, obviously, it does. Buck's life is so, so
much better with Chris in California. But there was a part of him that thought things would
get back to normal, and they just…don't.

The biggest change is Chris himself. It's not that he doesn't love Buck anymore--obviously he
still does--but he's also decided that he's grown up enough to be left unsupervised sometimes,
like when Eddie has therapy or goes to his group. And Eddie, after a conversation with Paul,
of course, has tentatively decided that he's right. Eddie's hard limit is two hours alone with an
adult emergency contact no more than half an hour away, but short-term babysitting like that
was Buck's sweet spot before. And Chris is also getting too old for things like trips to the zoo
and to the aquarium, so they barely have any one-on-one time. Plus, he apparently really likes
Paul's son Jason, so they hang out a lot, and Buck can't stop thinking about Eddie and Paul
and Chris and Jason and two dogs, all doing fun family stuff without him.

"Don't they invite you?" Maddie asks, a couple weeks after Chris comes home. She's giving
him the exasperated look that she always gives him when he's being ridiculous about Eddie
having a social life, and he deserves it. "You aren't actually being excluded."

"Sometimes they invite me."

"If you went, they'd probably invite you more. If you say no every time, Eddie will assume
you don't want to hang out and he'll stop asking you. You're making your own problems here,
Evan."

"But they don't need me," Buck says. "Chris doesn't need a babysitter, Eddie doesn't need a
friend…I'd just be a fifth wheel."

"People don't have friends because they need them. You don't have to do a certain amount of
stuff for Eddie for him to want to hang out with you. Same with Chris. You know that, right?"

"Yeah," Buck says, but she clearly doesn't believe him, and he can't really blame her.

"And you're assuming you'd be a fifth wheel with two people you've never even met! I
thought we got over this with the whole Tommy thing."

"See, I was thinking about that, and I really didn't get over it. I figured out some of it, which
was that I had a crush on Tommy. But if Tommy hadn't liked me back, I probably would still
be jealous about him and Eddie being friends. All I really did was get a boyfriend and ruin
Eddie's friendship, because they don't hang out anymore."

Maddie seems to be thinking it over. "Okay, so what you're learning is that even when you
don't know Eddie's friends, you're jealous of them."

"Yeah."

"And are you worried that if you meet Paul, you'll try to date him too?"

"No! I was jealous even before I knew he liked guys."

"I don't know if that's the strong argument you think it is."

Buck rubs his face. "I don't think it's a strong argument. I just think…maybe I can't be friends
with Eddie's friends. Maybe I'm always going to be too insecure. And I don't want to screw
that up for him, you know? I think this group is really good for him, and he doesn't need me
ruining it just because I always want to be the first person he calls in a crisis."

"Okay, I get that. But have you actually told Eddie any of this? Because maybe he doesn't
want you to avoid everyone else he knows for the rest of your lives. And he definitely doesn't
want you to think he doesn't need you or want you around. You know he does."

Buck knows that now, that's the thing. Right now, he and Eddie are still best friends. But it's
always been so easy for Buck to see how that could fall apart. How Eddie will leave him
behind, just like everyone else. And Eddie can say that he'd never do that, and Buck knows
he'd believe it, the same way Maddie believes it. But no one can make that promise, not
really.

"I'll talk to him," he says, with no timeline attached and nothing specific he's going to say. He
absolutely will talk to Eddie.

Given Maddie's expression, she has realized this is a pretty low bar that she's given him. But
all she says is, "Good."

The big problem with talking to Eddie is that, just like with Tommy, Eddie doesn't mention
that Buck is being weird, so he never gives Buck an easy opening to just have the
conversation.

Buck does think Eddie notices, at least a little. He definitely knows that Buck is dodging
invitations to hang out with Paul, if nothing else. So when he stops asking, Buck tries to tell
himself that Maddie is right, and that Eddie saw Buck wasn't that interested in Paul and
decided to stop inviting him, but of course, he still assumed the worst.

Which means he's totally unprepared for Eddie ambushing him.

It's Saturday and Chris agreed to let Buck hang out and play video games with him while
Eddie was at his lunch, and Buck had been looking forward to a long afternoon, evening, and
maybe even morning of spending time with the Diaz boys. But when Eddie comes home, he's
not alone.

The man behind him doesn't look like the Paul of Buck's nightmares, but Buck knows it's him
with a certainty he can't explain. And even if he's not particularly tall or broad, he's definitely
handsome. Nice features, flattering glasses, neatly trimmed beard, very put together and
overall great to look at, but not Buck's type, so they're probably safe from history repeating
itself there.

"Hi, Paul!" Chris says, confirming what Buck already knew.

Buck scrambles to his feet and offers his hand, politeness winning out over surprise and
annoyance. "Hey, I'm Evan Buckley. Buck."

Paul has a firm handshake and a warm smile, on top of his many other good features. "Hi,
Buck. Eddie's told me a lot about you."

No British accent. At least there's that.

"Same. He didn't mention you were coming over," Buck adds, his eyes flicking to Eddie, who
looks unapologetic and unconcerned.

Paul is equally unruffled. "Oh, I'm not staying long. But Jason is going bowling with some
friends and Eddie said Chris could come along, if he wants."

In an instant, Chris is off the couch and on his way to the door. "Yeah!"

Buck doesn't wince, but that does take one Diaz boy out of his planned day of hanging out.
Still, he smiles for Paul. "That's awesome. I know Chris has really loved getting to know
Jason."

"Buck, don't be weird," says Chris.

"I'm not being weird!"

"You are, though," he says, and beams at Paul. "Okay, ready to go."

"Great!" says Paul. "Eddie, tonight at seven, right? Antonio's?"

"Antonio's at seven," Eddie confirms, and the bottom drops out of Buck's world. He vaguely
hears Paul and Chris saying goodbye, but all he can really think is that Eddie is going on a
date. Eddie is going on a date with Paul, and Buck is finding out from Paul, right now.

Eddie didn't even mention he might like guys. And, yeah, okay, Buck went on his first date
with a guy without telling Eddie he was bi, but that was different. Maybe. Probably. Eddie at
least hadn't heard Tommy confirming the date in front of him. Paul was so casual about it,
like Buck and Chris wouldn't care, and Chris didn't, so he probably knows Eddie is…queer,
maybe? Open to dating a guy? And neither of them has told him, probably because he hasn't
been a priority.

It probably happened the same way it happened with Buck and Tommy, Eddie not quite
figuring out his feelings, Paul realizing something was off and hoping he'd figured out what it
was, making a move and finding out he was right. Because of course Paul likes Eddie, how
could he not? Eddie is amazing. And they have so much in common, big important things
like lost loves and beloved sons. Chris would even get a brother, a couple of dogs. Paul's
place looked really nice, when Buck dropped Eddie and Chris off there. It's farther away from
Buck, but they won't need him as often, so it doesn't really matter, except for Eddie's
commute.

Has Paul kissed Eddie yet? Or are they waiting? Will it be after dinner tonight, when--
"Buck!"

Eddie is looking at him like he grew a second head, so he's probably been trying that for a
while. Chris and Paul are gone, Eddie is looking both concerned and confused, and Buck is
just…exhausted. It's not like this will end their relationship or anything, not like he can't keep
on being friends with Eddie once Eddie has a good partner and a good life, but things are
already changing, and they're going to change more, and he's tired of trying to be okay with
it.

"I gotta go," is what comes out of Buck's mouth.

"Why?" Eddie asks, with apparently not even a guess at an explanation. "What's wrong?

"Because you were going to move to Texas and you didn't want me to come," he snaps.
"Because you're going through stuff I don't get and that's not your fault or my fault but I hate
that I can't help and other people can. Because I'm the one who got Chris to come back from
Texas and now he doesn't even want to see me because he's got Paul and Jason and
independence. Because you like guys now, I guess, and I know you don't have to tell me but I
have some experience with figuring out that I'm queer in my thirties and I could have helped!
And all of that shit is so petty and selfish and all about me and I should just stay in the loft
until I won't be an asshole about it and I'm really not there yet."

This is the problem with bottling up emotions. He's always convinced he'll figure out how to
deal with them before something goes wrong, but they inevitably explode instead.

At least this time they came out as words and not physical violence.

Eddie is just staring at him, which is probably fair. Buck feels a flush creep up his neck. "So,
yeah. That's my thing? And I'm going to go."

"Buck--" Eddie starts, but Buck is already out the door.

Eddie shows up ten minutes after Buck gets home, which feels about right. He was probably
giving Buck a head start. It would have been awkward if he'd somehow beaten Buck back,
but of course he wasn't just going to let that weird outburst stand. That's not how Eddie is.

The drive back sort of helped. The queer thing is definitely not a thing. Coming out is an
individual process and Buck is allowed to feel weird about it, but Eddie hasn't done anything
wrong. If anyone did something wrong, it's Paul, who shouldn't have mentioned the date in
front of Buck unless he knew that Eddie had already come out.

Not that being mad at Paul is a better path to go down, but he's mostly avoiding that one too.
Paul is a perfectly nice guy who likes Eddie, which is, as always, more than fair. And he and
Eddie are a great match.

What it always comes down to, when Buck really digs into his Eddie insecurities, is that he
doesn't know what Eddie gets from him aside from help with Chris. And no matter how often
everyone he talks to, from Maddie to Dr. Copeland, tells him that he doesn't have to provide
Eddie with services in exchange for friendship, he's never fully believed it. He doesn't see
what Eddie sees in him when they're not working.

But despite Buck's total bafflement, Eddie does see something, which is why Buck isn't
surprised he came to the loft. He doesn't have to understand why he's Eddie's best friend to
know that he is.

"Hi."

"Hey," says Eddie. He doesn't look mad, just kind of tired. "I wanted you to come to Texas,
but I wasn't going to ask you to give up your entire life here. Well, I probably would have,"
he amends. "But not until I was actually moving. And I felt really shitty about it."

"Yeah," says Buck, because that makes sense.

"You got Chris to come back?"

Buck takes a seat at the island. "I told him that if he didn't come back, you were going to
move to Texas. And he didn't want that."

"But you didn't tell me," says Eddie.

"No."

"And now you're mad that I didn't know."

Buck's mouth twitches. "Yeah."

"Okay. Thanks for getting him to come back."

"No big deal."

That makes Eddie snort, and Buck smiles too. "Yeah, obviously you haven't been thinking
about it at all."

"I know it's not a big deal. Trust me, I know. It's all...stupid and selfish."

"It's not." Eddie isn't sitting, but he leans on the island next to Buck, looking wrung out. "I
know I've been...I haven't been around as much. And Chris is different since he got back, and
he doesn't want to hang out as much. I get it. I should have--" He lets out a breath, apparently
changing course. "Honestly, I still don't get how you figured out I was having a sexuality
crisis. I thought I was doing okay keeping that one to myself."

Buck sort of gapes at him. "Eddie, you have a date tonight. With a guy."

Understanding dawns on Eddie's face, and then he smacks himself in the forehead. "I'm going
to kill him."
"He seems great," Buck offers, not sure why he's defending Paul now, except that he doesn't
want Eddie to murder his own boyfriend. He'd definitely be the first suspect. "He just slipped
up. It's not--" He stops himself before he can say it's not a big deal. "It doesn't change
anything," he says instead, the same thing Eddie said to him. "And I hope you and Paul have
a great time tonight."

"Yeah, uh." Eddie laughs shortly, shakes his head. "Paul is going to Antonio's tonight with
Josh. From dispatch. I set them up. He was confirming he had the right time because it's a
blind date."

"Josh?" is all Buck manages.

"Yeah. I thought they might hit it off."

"But...you also think you like guys?" Buck asks, without any help from his brain, which has
gone full static.

"Yeah."

"But not Paul."

"No."

"Okay!" he says, recovering a little. "Okay, that's amazing, congratulations. It's so cool that
you figured that out. And I'm sorry you didn't get to come out to me on your town terms, it
was shitty of me to act like--"

"Buck," says Eddie, in a calm, amused, slightly exasperated tone that Buck primarily
associates with the hospital and Eddie's will. Eddie trying to get through something important
and Buck not being able to keep his mouth shut.

"I didn't tell you because it was about you," Eddie says, deliberate. "That's why I signed up
for the group in the first place."

"Me? What about me?"

Eddie looks like he'd like to strangle Buck, but has settled for eating glass instead. "You're
how I figured out I like guys, Buck. And I didn't want to fuck up with you like I did with Ana
and Marisol and Kim. Even like I did with Shannon. And everyone else I know knows you,
so I couldn't talk to them."

"Fuck up with me like..." Buck says, and it's barely a question. It's not actually like he doesn't
know what Eddie is saying. It's just that he doesn't really believe it.

"As in, I'm not planning to go on any dates with anyone but you."

He looks pretty calm, which seems unfair. Buck would be freaking out. Or, well, Buck is kind
of going through the same thing and he's feeling surprisingly calm, but he's not the one telling
Eddie that he's…interested? Wants to go on a date? Eddie's heart is on the line and he seems
sure that Buck is just going to agree, even though if he was that sure, he probably would have
just said something before, right? This was an accident, and Eddie seems perfectly fine with
it.

His internal freak out lasts long enough that Eddie's expression finally falters. "If you want,"
he adds, uncertainty leaking into his tone.

It's as if Eddie found the secret phrase to cut past all of Buck's insecurity and overthinking,
three words that suddenly turn his whole stupid freak out into a binary choice. Eddie wanting
him is overwhelming, almost too much to think about, too much to be believed.

But whether or not he wants Eddie is so simple.

"Yeah," he breathes. "Yeah, of course, obviously."

Eddie's expression clears, then blooms into a smile, and he laughs. "Okay, good. I don't have
plans tonight, I just wanted to be with you."

"So when Paul said he'd heard a lot about me…"

"Yeah, I didn't do it so much at the official meetings, but most of the lunches were just me
asking for advice about how I'd know if I was really ready to date this time and how to make
a move on my best friend."

"But you weren't sure yet?" Buck asks. "Because we can wait for you to be--"

Eddie leans down, and somehow even though he's watching the whole time, tracking Eddie's
movements, Buck is still surprised when Eddie kisses him.

It's a soft kiss, slow and easy, and Buck's eyes flutter closed. It feels like time is frozen, like
this is one endless, perfect moment.

Then Buck realizes he and Eddie could be making out and he surges out of his seat, pushing
Eddie onto the island, and Eddie laughs, wraps his arms around Buck's neck and pulls him
closer, and Buck manages to stop worrying for once.

He has so many better things to do.

Two weeks later, Paul, who actually is a professor, hosts an end-of-summer barbecue in his
stupidly large yard, which Buck is jealous of in a fairly normal way, the same way he's
jealous of all nice houses. But with two incomes, he and Eddie will probably be able to get a
nicer place when they're ready, so Paul's feels kind of pleasantly aspirational too. They'll be
able to host things someday, if they want.

Dating Eddie doesn't solve all of Buck's problems or his insecurities, but he's happier and the
world makes a lot more sense. It's easier to not worry about losing Eddie to a relationship or a
friendship when Eddie is head over heels in love with Buck. And, okay, that still doesn't feel
real, but everyday Buck keeps waking up and Eddie keeps being in love with him, so he's
hoping to have plenty of time to get used to it.
It's Paul's party, so Buck is really just there as Eddie's plus one, which is a new experience for
him. Aside from Josh, who's had a couple good dates with Paul and is looking forward to
more, Buck only knows Eddie, and Eddie only really knows Jackie--who's brought the
boyfriend Buck didn't know she had--and Mariana--who immediately loves Buck, as he
predicted--and it's actually a little nice. Another adult feeling, going to a party where he
doesn't know that many people, making small talk, telling people what he does, why he's
here.

Plus, he's gotten to call Eddie his boyfriend at least thirty times. It has yet to get even a little
bit old.

Jason has introduced Chris to the other kids in their age range, although they're mostly
hanging out inside with video games, in the tradition of teenagers everywhere. But whenever
Chris emerges for food or drink, he'll come and find both Buck and Eddie to check in, and it
feels like a good compromise. Kids grow up and don't need their parents as much, but not all
parent/child relationships end up like him with his parents, or Eddie with his. Chris can get
older and still love them, and they're on track for that after a rough detour.

Coming back from the bathroom a couple hours into the party, he finds Paul alone in the
kitchen, and he squares his shoulders and goes over.

"Hey, anything I can help with?"

Paul looks up with an easy smile. "Oh, hi, Buck. You can help me bring dessert out, if you
don't mind."

"Yeah, just tell me what I'm carrying."

Paul gives him a tray of cookies, and Buck waits for him to get his own before saying, "Uh, I
wanted to apologize."

"Oh?" asks Paul.

"I was…kind of a dick. About you and Eddie being friends."

"Oh! That. You don't have anything to apologize to me for. All you did was refuse to meet
me. To be honest, it was very helpful."

Buck frowns. "Helpful?"

Paul flashes him a wicked smile that makes Buck like him better. "I was trying to convince
Eddie to tell you how he felt. I thought you might be jealous. And I was right."

Buck has to laugh. "You were right, yeah. And that whole Antonio's thing was definitely on
purpose. You knew I was going to think it was about Eddie."

"Even only hearing about you secondhand, I was fairly confident that you thought most
things were about Eddie."

"Wow. I didn't know it was that obvious."

Paul shrugs. "It's easier to see from the outside. You're the star of all his stories, too."

"I guess I probably am." He pushes the door open. "Oh, uh, my sister is Josh's best friend.
She says you better treat him right. She made me promise to tell you."

"I've been warned. As Eddie's best friend, are you threatening yourself on his behalf?"

"Oh yeah," says Buck with a grin. "If I ever hurt him, I will kick my own ass."

He drops off his tray of cookies and leaves Paul behind with a salute. Eddie is on his own for
once, watching him slightly apart from the crowd, and Buck goes over to bump their
shoulders together.

"You okay?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing," says Eddie. "I thought you might punch Paul."

"No, I'm over that. We're cool. He's a good guy. And he doesn't want to date you."

"Yeah, well, it wouldn't matter if he did. I'm taken."

Buck leans down to kiss him because he can and he's allowed to and he wants to. Someday,
maybe, it will stop being awesome. Buck hopes it's not any time soon.

"Yeah," he tells Eddie, and for once, it's easy to believe. To not worry about it at all. "You
definitely are."
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