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Parental Counselling
UNIT
Structure:

5.1
5.2
Introduction
Meaning and Definition of Parental Counselling
4
5
5.3 Importance of Parental Counselling
5.4 Need of Parental Counselling
5.5 Challenges in Parental Counselling
5.6 Counselling Parents of Normal Children
5.7 Counselling Parents of Negatively Exceptional Children
5.8 Counselling Parents of Positively Exceptional Children
5.9 Skills Required for Parental Counselling
5.10 Case Studies
Summary
Keywords
Self-Assessment Questions
Answers to Check your Progress
Suggested Reading

Parental Counselling 53
53
 Notes
Objectives
After going through this unit, you will be able to:
• Explain the meaning of parental counselling.
• State importance of parental counselling.
• Identify people who need parental counselling.

5.1 INTRODUCTION
Parental counselling is the most important activity from the point of view
of welfare of the children. Whatever psychological support, cognitive stimulation
and other facilities are to be provided to children for their proper development
and growth depend on parental understanding and capacity. Parents are the ones
who decide almost every thing about which habits the child will develop and what
perspective he will have about various experiences in human life as well as what
type of values he will acquire. In a way, parents decide whole future of the child.
They are responsible for everything that happens to the child. They are the ones who
are taking care of the child right from the beginning and have lot of involvement
in welfare of the child. If anything from home environment needs any change or
any intervention program is to be introduced, then the parents need to take the
responsibility of the same. Hence, when it comes to children’s future planning and
all sided development, we have to involve the parents and get their cooperation.
Implications of understanding developed in counsellor’s room are to be practiced
by parents without which the whole process of counselling becomes worthless.
Parents generally believe that whatever they do—good, bad, or ugly—is in the
best interests of their children. Of course, they are bound to think this way because
parenting is a job that no one prepared us for. However, it is sometimes in our children's
best interests to seek help from specialists or parenting counselling experts, particularly
when the problem or circumstance at hand is something that cannot be resolved only
via parent’s words. Someone must provide parents with the necessary information to
deal with the issue, or intervene to reduce the stress. In these situations, the persons
who will assist parents are licenced specialists with vast experience in the field of
parent and child therapy. When parents approach a counsellor pertaining to parenting
and counsellor counsels them in this regard it is known as parental counselling.
Now we shall learn parental counselling in more detail.

5.2 MEANING AND DEFINITION OF PARENTAL

COUNSELLING
We shall try to understand meaning of parental counselling with the help
of following definitions -
Parental counselling can be defined as an invaluable service that offers
parents unbiased guidance and support; helping parents understand and identify
54 Counsellor and Counselling Skills
the needs of every individual in their family and better look after the well-being Notes
of their family unit. A service that aims to provide parents with knowledge,
guidance, tools, and emotional support, all without judgment or bias, parent
counselling focuses on how one as the parent affects the dynamics of your
family can also be defined as parental counselling. (Parent counselling - what
is it, who needs it, will it help my family? 2020)
Considering above definitions, broader meaning of parental counselling is -
Parental counselling is a service offered to parents which provides knowledge,
unbiased guidance, emotional support and tools which shall help parents to identify
and understand needs of their family members; realize the effect of parents on
family dynamics with an ultimate objective to look better to their family.

Check your Progress 1

Fill in the blanks.

1. Parental counselling can be defined as an invaluable service that
offers parents _____________ guidance and support.
2. Parent counselling focuses on how one as the parent affects the
dynamics of ___________ .
State True or False.
1. Parental counselling is a service offered to parents which provides
only knowledge to parents _____________
2. Parental counselling helps parents to understand and identify the
needs of every individual in their family and better look after the
well-being of their family unit. ______________ .

5.3 IMPORTANCE OF PARENTAL COUNSELLING

Importance of acceptance, affection and balanced discipline in parents’
interaction with the child cannot be underestimated at any point of any
developmental stage. Understanding the child’s needs, problems and creating
conducive environment for development of child’s potentials are the primary
responsibility of the parents. Whether the child is normal, above average or
below average they have to be with him emotionally and should try to every
thing to him more competent and enhance his self-reliance. Following are the
important points to be considered.
1. Counsellor advices various methods to deal with child behaviour
Each and every child is unique in their personalities, there is no one
common plan as far as child-rearing is concerned. This might create
confusion in parents and make them feel overwhelmed. In such a case the
best option is to turn to Mental health professionals and child psychologists
who counsel parents and convince them that there is no specific remedy

Parental Counselling 55
 Notes for particular behaviours and difficult situations, and they need to keep
trying different methods to get their child to behave responsibly.
2. Counsellor helps parents in dealing with their differently abled child
If the child is mentally or physically challenged, the situation might grow
more difficult for one or both parents, potentially resulting in a breach
between them. At this point, parents require counselling not just on how
to properly care for their child, but also on how to cope with their own
life while caring for their challenging child. When parents first realise
their child is not typical and has physical or mental impairments, they
experience a wide range of emotional and psychological challenges.
The parents' ongoing counselling is critical at this period as they learn
to manage with their own psychological inadequacies, guilt, and stress.
Parents become estranged from one another and fail to communicate
effectively, providing mixed messages to an already troubled child. As a
result, experts stress the importance of a mutually agreeable adjustment
plan as well as consistent parenting, which will make it easier for the
child to adapt positively with the outside world.
3. Counsellor help parents to create pleasant environment and neutral
attitude for their children
Children tend to imitate their parents and the beliefs that are expressed in
the home; as a result, the use of strong language or disparaging remarks
about different ethnic groups or religions must be used with utmost
caution, as children will absorb whatever their parents say. Therapists
encourage parents to raise their children in pleasant environments with a
neutral attitude toward all people of all genders so that the next generation
will be more accepting.
4. Counsellor help parents to face situation when their children leave
home -
Children will grow up and leave home one day. Parents who are overly
protective of their children may need to be counselled to let go and equip
them with adequate independence and fundamental skills throughout
their early years so that they are not left out on a limb when it comes time
to leave the nest. (Importance of parental counselling)
5. Counselling helps parents to be closer to their child
Parents are aware that pre-teen and adolescent years are the most chaotic
times in anyone's life. Child will generally keep parents at arm's length
and in the dark throughout this stage, especially if parents aren't really
that close. Even if parents are close, their child will take the time to let
parents know what is wrong. Parents would want to be there for their
children at all times, both good and bad, if they are good parents. Parents
should pay close attention to what their child is saying. Assure him or
her that no matter what happens, you will always be there for them. For
occasions like this, counsellors will give the appropriate things to say and
when to say them. They are well-versed in what to do in the event of such

56 Counsellor and Counselling Skills

 an occurrence, having gained this information through years of study and Notes
field practise.
6. Counselling will help parents detect serious behavioural issues in
children.
When a child skips school, exhibits rebellious behaviour at school, causing
difficulties for others and posing a danger to himself or herself? Then it's
critical that parents should seek professional assistance. Parents can tell
what's going on at home, and can anticipate the counsellors to create a
profile for their son or daughter based on how he or she acts. By doing
so, parents and the counsellor can devise a strategy for shutting down, or
at the very least minimising, the trait he or she is displaying. Getting a
counsellor can also be helpful since they can detect serious behavioural
issues that are anchored on mental health problems. Is there a possibility
that a child has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or autism? These
are disorders that parents themselves would have a hard time telling, but
the counsellor, through sessions and observations, would know. Early
diagnosis is important so we can prevent it soon before it gets worse.
7. Counselling will help parents correct your own behaviour
We are all human beings. As humans, we are prone to making errors.
We might also be blind to our own acts and behaviours as humans.
Who knows, maybe parents have been assuming their child is doing
anything wrong when, in fact, they are the one to blame for their child's
conduct. It's critical to have someone parents can talk to who can
retain impartiality and neutrality. Before providing a recommendation,
counsellors are taught to consider all sides of the situation. They are
paid to assist parents; to fix their parenting faults, and to assist parents
in becoming a better person in general. They aren't compensated to
speak to you in sugar coated sweet words. They aren't always taught
to take their parents ' side. They've been taught to consider all possible
consequences before making a decision.
8. Counselling will help parents when they no longer know what to do
Sure, whether we admit it or not, the time will come when, no matter how
hard parents try, they do not know how to proceed. They ask themselves,
Do I talk to my husband about this or do I confront my son? Will my son
respect me if I grounded him? Is it okay to go to my child’s school and
scold whoever is bullying him or her?
Counsellors feel the parents' situation. Parents feel inadequate sometimes.
But for fear that their actions will be interpreted in the wrong way, it is
best if they seek recommendations from the people who have spent their
lives helping others who are in the same boat. Admission of inadequacy
is difficult, but to become better parents, parents must recognize that
some things are just out of our control. In such situations seek parental
counselling. (Mitchell, 4 important benefits parents can get From
counselling - 2016)

Parental Counselling 57
 Notes
Check your Progress 2

State True or False.

1. Each and every child is unique in their personalities, there is no one
common plan as far as child-rearing is concerned.
2. Even if parents are close, their child will take the time to let parents
know what is wrong.
Multiple Choice Single Response.
1. As humans, we are prone to -
a. Do things with perfection
b. Making errors
c. Be always right
d. Work systematically
2. Children tend to imitate their _________ and the beliefs that are
expressed in the home.
a. Friends
b. Maid servant
c. Relatives
d. Parents

5.4 NEED OF PARENTAL COUNSELLING

Parental counselling is need of any parent who is
1. Going through Marital Problems
Issues like financial crisis, infidelity or any marital problems in the family
imparts a huge impact on children, therefore it is very necessary to resolve
such issues as soon as possible before children form wrong perceptions
about love and marriage.
2. Suffering with Health Related Issues
Sometimes due to health related issues inclusive of both physical and
mental health problems, parents are unable to fully present with their
family and at times also prevent them from fulfilling their parental duties
and responsibilities.
3. Is in Process of Separating or Getting Divorced
Newly separated or divorced parents face a new challenge i.e. being
single parent taking responsibility for the child. Separation or divorce
affects children in the same proportion as it affects parents. Parents who
are in the process of separation or divorce need to critically balance and
channelize the emotions of their child so as to acclimatize to new change.
58 Counsellor and Counselling Skills
4. Experiencing Abuse Or Violence Notes
Parents experiencing any sort of abuse or violence can result in a fearful,
tense and aggressive environment in the family causing a negative impact
on the child.
5. Dealing With Loss
Any type of loss such as loss of job or family member in any form disturbs
children as much as parent, sometimes even more than parent if parents
are unable to cope up with loss and deliver their responsibilities and duties
towards family.
6. Abusing Alcohol or Drugs
Substance abuse affects millions of parents globally. It also results in
physical and mental health related problems which further inhibits their
parenting ability.
7. Struggling With Children/Teen Problems
At times a child is the reason behind stress and issues in family particularly
when it comes to teenagers who change drastically within a short span of
time. Parents are generally worried about substance abuse, while teens are
most concerned about mental health and bullying. Parental counselling
helps to improve communication between child and parent as such that
the child can freely express his/her need of parents to resolve any type of
problem without hesitation. (Parent counselling - what is it, who needs
it, will it help my family? 2020)
8. Whose Children are Refusing to Follow Instructions -
Parents whose children have become stubborn and are refusing to follow
parental instructions can opt for parental counselling so as to calm down
their child's stubbornness by applying various techniques as suggested by
the counsellor.
9. Who are Struggling to Implement Routines -
Sometimes due to change in job or its nature, shift duties in job, work
from home or health issues disturb the daily routine of the family. Parents
start feeling guilty that they are unable to cater their child’s needs because
they are not able to maintain the daily routine of their family. Parental
counselling can help them in such situations. (Parent counselling)

Check your Progress 3

Find an odd man out of the following pertaining to the problems which
need parental counselling.
● Financial crisis, workplace politics, unsatisfactory sexual relationship
between couples, separation or divorce, struggle to implement daily
routine.

Parental Counselling 59
 Notes 5.5 CHALLENGES IN PARENTAL COUNSELLING
Many counsellors are both terrified and frustrated at the thought of
working with parents.
Sometimes counsellors also have some unfavourable attitudes about
parents, which hampered their ability to work effectively with them.
Parents may be made to relive traumatic memories or issues, just as they
would in any counselling session. It's possible that they'll be hesitant to reveal
them at first. Some people may experience panic attacks or sadness.
Others may get dissatisfied or despairing as a result of the counselling
programmes' failure to provide rapid effects. These feelings may lead
individuals to abandon the programme, lose faith in the counsellor, or fail to
take the programme or therapy seriously. (DocDoc, Transforming healthcare,
empowering lives.)

Activity 1

● Interview a parent counsellor in your vicinity to know challenges

faced by them while counselling parents and prepare a report on it.

5.6 COUNSELLING PARENTS OF NORMAL CHILDREN

We have already seen that most of the problem children are products of
problem homes and problem parents. If parent child relations are not satisfactory,
harmonious development of children gets hampered. It can be obviously proved
that many parents are unaware of the fact that they are doing some harm to their
children. Parental counselling is aimed at helping parents to become sensitive to
possible adverse effects of their behaviour on children. By helping the parents
gain better understanding of themselves and their own personalities, much
harmony can be achieved.
Focus of parental counselling is basically parent child relationship.
Parents are deeply concerned about wellbeing of their children and are afraid
of the possibility that if they are left to themselves they may harm themselves
or take some wrong decisions. Hence, they become overprotective. It is a tug
of war between dependence and independence. By and large overprotection
is resented by children. Parents are tempted to all the important decisions on
behalf of their children thinking that they know what is best for their children.
On the other hand, children have their own ideas. This results in clash
of ideas and plans especially regarding educational and vocational decisions.
This leads to disturbing human relations. Parental counselling is one of the best
services to solve such problems. There are many problems that the counsellor
faces while parental counselling. First is most common that is parents want to
hide some information about their relationship with offspring. They generally

60 Counsellor and Counselling Skills

give socially acceptable answers to questions and create an impression that they Notes
are the best parents and they are doing everything or their child. This is in a way
manipulation of impression that they are creating. Second very frequently seen
among parents is they try and justify their own acts and decisions. They are
reluctant to accept their own mistakes and blame either the child or someone
else for that. The counsellor should help them to understand importance of
accepting facts and various perspectives of interpreting them. No one can
claim that he has understood the ultimate truth as our interpretation of anything
depends on partial perception of the environmental cues. We have to accept that
someone else may have different perception and that his understanding also
may be correct.
Understanding developmental stages and individual differences essentially
seen in that becomes a must for parents. Otherwise, they will unnecessarily
worry about child’s development and may nag the child for not achieving
something, which others of the same age can achieve. Knowledge of special
characteristics of a particular developmental stage makes it clear to their mind
as to what to expect and when to expect that.
Many parents depend on the traditional concept of parenthood and
think that control is essentially the only effective strategy for child rearing.
Some are having tendencies like fault finding and nagging. This itself leads to
many emotional problems in children. One more thing is parents’ perspective
is different than that of teachers and parents fail to see that the problems of
their children’s behaviour as teachers can. The counsellor has to help them
for this objective evaluation. Many of them feel embarrassed or even become
disturbed, may take defensive attitude or react in a hostile way. They may
become apologetic or try to justify children’s actions. The counsellor has to use
all his skills to establish warm relations and win confidence of the parents so
that gaining their cooperation becomes easy. Parents’ contribution is obviously
important in understanding child’s personality and emotional problems. Some
parents are eager to discuss problems of behaviour of their children though
these problems are not serious and permanent. For every developmental stage,
there are some challenges that are difficult to deal with for the individual.
Temporarily the individual may get disturbed and need some help. Parents
should not take it as a permanent behavioural problem and help the child to
overcome the difficulties. Intentional neglect is the best policy sometimes that
works well in day-to-day life situation.
In a country like India, percentage of children who are negatively
exceptional or disabled is pretty high. In advanced countries like America, it
is around 3% but in India, it is approximately 30%. Parents of normal children
who expect too much from their children should be asked to compare their own
achievements with that of their children. By and large children are similar to
their parents and their intelligence and abilities are similar to their parents. If
a parent having normal intelligence expects that the offspring should be a very
bright child then the counsellor must be able to convince the parents as what
can be expected.

Parental Counselling 61
 Notes Habit of children is one important issue that needs parental
cooperation. Most of the habits of children, their expression of emotions,
their language, mannerism and attitudes also depend on parents’ habits and
social exchange. It is well known that children imitate and learn many things
only by imitation. Counsellor should make them aware of this fact and try to
get their cooperation.
In short, counsellor can serve various functions in his relationship with
parents. The counsellor can
1. Give information about offspring’s behaviour-information about
what children do during that age and why they do it. When should
they worry and do something about a situation and when should
they accept it as normal should be discussed with them.
2. Discuss with them purpose, organisation and activities of school
and counselling program.
3. Inform parents about needs, characteristics, abilities, interests and
personality of their own child. Many parents may not have proper
frame of reference within which they can evaluate or judge behaviour
of their own children. A mother who is socially skilful and oriented
towards human relations may not be able to understand behaviour
of her shy and quite daughter.
4. Aid parents to develop understanding, techniques and attitudes
that may improve their relation with their children. For example,
how to motivate children for better performance or how to improve
communication with one’s adolescent offspring are critical issues in
this respect.
5. Mohan is 16 year old and studying in 10th standard. There is
absolutely no communication between Mohan and his father. His
father is strict authoritarian and disciplinarian and wants everything
perfect and best. Generally, there are clashes between them if at all
they talk to each other. Nowadays Mohan has completely stopped
interacting with his father. Whatever his father says, Mohan never
responds.
6. Provide support to parents as they seek to resolve their own
problems and meet their own needs. Parents’ own problems may
have negative impact on parent-child relations. A working mother
may feel guilty and may overcompensate unnecessarily, which may
spoil the child.
7. Aid children and parents together to find solutions to specific
problems. Open and free discussion about every important decision
has to take place between parents and children where each one has
to equally respect the other and consider their opinion seriously.
Without such communication, no decision should be taken.

62 Counsellor and Counselling Skills

5.7 COUNSELLING PARENTS OF NEGATIVELY Notes
EXCEPTIONAL CHILDREN
When it comes to counselling negatively exceptional children the issues
become more complicated. Parents of negatively exceptional children face
many emotional problems, which should be dealt with very carefully by the
counsellor. Some most important aspects area.
a. Coping realistically with the problem: It is essential to help the
parents to face the negative exceptionality and limitations of the
child in a healthy and constructive way. Initial shock and various
decisions should be managed in an integrated way. This leads to the
increased possibility of giving appropriate stimulation to the child
and help given to the child. Help does not mean doing everything
for the child, but making the child as independent as possible.
b. Denial of reality regarding disability: Every parent wants his
child to be an ideal and achieve all bright things in life. No one is
in a position to anticipate and accept and limitations of the child.
Parents’ first reaction is it cannot be so. This is their natural reaction
as they are involved emotionally and it is an extension of their ego.
Any negative exceptionality of the child is loss of self-esteem for
the parents. Here adaptation and coping are more realistic goals
than just accepting the facts as they are. Anger, resentment, guilt and
distress are the common emotional reactions that are experienced
by the parents indefinitely.
The parents of physically handicapped child identify more with
child’s physic. They use all types of defence mechanisms for denial
of reality. They always want to highlight the capacities of the child
and deny the limitations of the child. Many parents partially accept it
that means that they accept the diagnosis and deny the implications.
When there is no medicine, they keep on hoping that some miracle
will happen and the child will become normal.
c. Self pity: ‘Why this has happened to me only? What is my fault?’
are the questions that are asked by these parents. These parents may
challenge the fundamental religious beliefs. Denial, despair and
desire to kill the child are also seen among these parents.
d. Ambivalent feelings: Ambivalent feelings towards the child
are also seen in these parents and are difficult to deal with even
in case of normal children. There are more negative feelings
for the negatively exceptional. The range is quite wide from
a conscious wish that the child would die or never been born to
symbolic hostility and rejection. This in turn gives rise to guilt and
overprotection, over nurturing and excessive devotion towards the
child. Overcompensation for the feeling of hostility is seen in their
behaviour, as they are ashamed of such feelings. Sometimes it is

Parental Counselling 63
 Notes seen that at a particular moment, they accept it and at the second,
they deny the reality.
e. Protection and overprotection: It is a common defence against
anxiety. This anxiety is regarding personal guilt or other unacceptable
feelings. They keep on blaming others for what has happened.
There is a general sense of resentment towards the society at large.
Overprotection leads to doing everything for the child without
discriminating whether the child can do it or not. Even normal children
who are overprotected are reluctant to help themselves. They become
lazy and dependent on their parents for everything they want. They
can never gain the confidence to lead a life that is fully functioning.
Mothers should be convinced about importance of making the child
as independent as possible though he is a handicapped child.
f. Guilt, shame and depression: Shame is the feeling that other
people will criticise and say something unpalatable about us. Guilt
is on the other hand feeling of self-reproach or self-condemnation.
Shame is other oriented and guilt is self-oriented. Shame is
expectation of ridicule but guilt is self-blame, personal regret and
decreased personal worth. For example shame is about others may
underestimate me and guilt is about I am underestimating myself.
Shame and guilt both include anxiety. Correlation between guilt
and anxiety is positive and significant.
Guilt, self-blame, anxiety and low self-concept result in depression.
This leads to protection of self-concept by directing hostility
outwards. Society rejects the handicapped child and blames the
parents for their carelessness and neglect. These parents avoid
participating in social function. On the other hand they devote their
life to the handicapped child and try to prove that they are devoted
and dedicated parents. If at all the child is kept in any institute, the
parents feel relived and feel guilty for that. In any way, they feel
stress and depression and guilt, shame and anxiety.
g. Patterns of mutual dependency: The overanxious parent fosters
dependency in the child and in oneself also. As the parents invest a
large part of their available resources – emotional and material- for
the child, because of real or exaggerated needs the child becomes
dependent on the parent for every small thing. Parent encourages
all this to prove his or her adequacy as a parent. It is because of
parental attitudes that the child develops extreme dependency due
to which parents’ entire life becomes focused to the handicapped
child. Parents also don’t want to reduce their responsibility as they
are afraid of the void that may result in their lives. Child feels secure
in parents’ company and parents get neurotic satisfaction because
of all these things. As a consequence, child’s motivation decreases.
Sometimes, consciously or unconsciously, the child uses disability
as a weapon and enhances dependency.

64 Counsellor and Counselling Skills

 Raju has been a multiple handicapped cerebral palasy child since birth. Notes
She was dependent completely on her mother for every single act and need. As
the mother started serious complaints regarding her health, it was advised to
keep Raju in some residential school. However, her mother was not ready to
accept the idea as she is engaged for 24 hours with Raju’s care. It was only after
her mother’s death that Raju was shifted to that institute.
Goals of counselling in case of parents of the handicapped are different
from the regular counselling. There are three-fold goals of counselling.
1. Intellectual: It includes information regarding causes and effects, diagnosis
and extent, levels of intensities and sufferings of the disability. Facilities
available for the care, treatment and education of the handicapped should
be known to the parents. Hence, this information should be given to them.
They should know the future of the child and most appropriate plan for
that.
2. Emotional: Change in perspective of parents accepting the facts as they
are is essential for balancing emotions. Too involved or too aloof parents
may deny the impact of their interaction and difficulties encountered by
children because of that. They are not ready to accept the shortcomings
of the child or developmental, social and emotional difficulties faced
by children. Unless they accept these things, they will not be able to
contribute to the welfare of the child.
3. Behavioural: Actual modification of behaviour while interacting with
the child is to be achieved by these parents, without which it will be
worthless. For example, if we want the child to be self-sufficient it is
necessary to let the child do his own things and make mistakes. Exposure,
opportunities and learning by doing are essential. However, a mother of
a hearing-impaired child may be reluctant to leave him alone or allow
him to interact with strangers or buy something on his own. Unless such
opportunities are provided, the child will not learn all these things, which
are essential for leading a normal life. This is the actual practical side of
attitude change of parents.
While dealing with parents of negatively exceptions we should never-
a. Underestimate their problems
b. Give general advice and show sympathy
c. Criticise them for their past decisions and behaviour
d. Expect them to immediately take some actions according to your directions
e. Label the child in negative terms
f. Claim that we have understood everything that they are experiencing
However, it is a must to
a. Convert the recommendations in terms of positive remarks
b. Concentrate on what the child can do than what he can not.

Parental Counselling 65
 Notes c. Remember even small achievements of the child and liking, hobbies etc
to be used while interacting with him.
d. Suggest many alternatives or options, as only one may not be suitable or
practically viable for the child and parents.
e. Take into consideration nature of child’s disability, availability in terms of
money and environmental options while planning anything for the child.
f. Complete information about various institutes, facilities and special
provisions about integrated and segregated educational institutes should
be given to them so that they can decide according to their convenience.
g. In integrated education, the counsellor should try to gat cooperation of the
teachers as well as that of other children in the class to create conducive
environment and motivate the disabled child.

5.8 COUNSELLING PARENTS OF POSITIVELY

EXCEPTIONAL CHILDREN
Parental counselling in case of positively exceptional children is grossly
neglected. The basic reason is the awareness that the child is exceptional
itself is rear. Parents themselves evaluate worth of their child only on the
basis of academic excellence and percentage of marks. There are other
types of intelligences and aptitudes that need environmental stimulation for
development is not considered by teachers and parents. Psychologists have
been doing lot of research regarding different aspects of intelligence, but in
most of the communities, these different potentialities are neglected. Hence, the
first important aim of parental counselling is to make parents aware of different
potentialities and conducive environment necessary for their development. In
a country like India, we do not worry about any child who has lot of potentials
and gets very good grades. We take it for granted that providing facilities for
regular classroom learning is what we can do for the child and be happy as he
gets awards and rewards. However, there are two things to be remembered:
1. There are children who are not motivated to perform well in spite of their
high potentials.
2. A gifted child needs some extra cognitive stimulation for satisfying his
curiosity, capacity and wish to learn.
As far as the children who are not motivated are concerned, it obviously
means that they are not utilising their potentials. They might be using their
talents in some other activity, which may not be socially approved, or in any
way helpful in their development. In case of a gifted child, regular classroom
activities are too simple to challenge their abilities. Consequently, they may not
be interested in that. Read this, for example:
‘Sarthak is always a discipline problem in the class. He continuously
disturbs other children and asks unexpected questions to any teacher. He
wants to tease others who are sincerely doing their work. He can not get

66 Counsellor and Counselling Skills

 along well with others and by and large a lonely child. His academic Notes
achievement is average but class performance is higher than most of the
children in the class.’
What can be real cause behind his behaviour? One important alternative
is he may a gifted child who can easily complete his classroom assignment
within no time and does not know what to do for the remaining time. May
be that he is not motivated to solve the question papers that are very easy for
him. Cases like this are neglected by teachers and parents. It is a loss of human
talents if they are not utilised properly.
Researchers have proved that gifted children face adjustment problems,
as they cannot accept others gladly. Frustration may emerge as friends may not
be able to understand his ideas and teachers cannot provide enough intellectual
stimulation. They may develop rebellion attitude towards authority because of
ideas that are different from others. Negative attitude towards community as a
whole, isolation, shyness, inferiority and anxiety are generally experienced by
them. They are generally the youngest in the classmates and weak as well as
less mature physically. This may lead to isolation and rejection by peers. As
there is no intellectual stimulation and challenge, they become lazy and de-
motivated to learn. When they grow older, they may understand the difference
between themselves and others and accept others as they are. However if enough
opportunity and training is given they become better adjusted, well behaved and
emotionally controlled.
Parental counselling is oriented towards saving intellectual wastage by
recognising talents on appropriate time and providing opportunities for optimum
development of potentials.
Labelling however should be avoided as far as possible. Even if it is
positive labelling it may turn out into detrimental effects on the child.
Too high expectations, constant nagging and no margin for making
mistakes are some common consequences. Self-concept of the child may also
change tremendously and he may consider himself as different from others and
superior to them which may lead to social and emotional problems.
Vocational counselling is also a very crucial issue in case of negatively
and positively exceptional children. Parental wish, social status and monetary
gain should not be the major criteria for taking any decision in this regards.
Child’s potentialities, interest and direction of possible development are more
important.

Parental Counselling 67
 Notes 5.9 SKILLS REQUIRED FOR PARENTAL COUNSELLING

Following are the skills required for parental counselling.

Skill of self-reflection-
Counsellors can use self-reflection and group discussion to help you
recognise any negative, stereotyped, or unhelpful attitudes or expectations you
may have about your parents. It's also crucial to understand your personal and
professional parenting styles, as parents frequently inquire about how you care
for your children as a professional parental counsellor.
Skill of listening -
Listening intently and responding with sensitivity to deeper meaning or
sentiments is frequently the best approach. Parents may feel scrutinised and
vulnerable beneath their defensiveness and animosity. This is why active and
empathic listening are so important.
Skill of reading -
Knowing what's trendy in the parenting world can help you establish
trustworthiness. As part of our professional education, most of us read textbooks
on child development, psychopathology, and brain science, yet parents are more
likely to inquire about parenting books than developmental theory textbooks.
Your understanding of popular and classic parenting literature will also be
noticed and valued by parents.
Skill of radical acceptance -
Always keep in mind that empathy and acceptance should come first.
This is a significant difficulty since, as counsellors, we are often eager to share

68 Counsellor and Counselling Skills

positive parenting advice with our clients. To deal with this, you should strive to Notes
practise Marsha Linehan's philosophy of radical acceptance as much as possible.
“I accept you as you are and am devoted to helping you change for the better,”
a radical acceptance mantra might go. Because it emphasises acceptance as a
precursor to transformation, radical acceptance can be beneficial.
Skill of being collaborative -
As a counsellor, you must collaborate with parents since they are the ones
who will put your ideas into action. They'll figure out what works and what
doesn't in the end.
Skill of getting best explanation -
Ask parents for their best explanation for their child’s misbehaviour.
Frequently, they will have a hidden or unspoken fear or supposition about why
their child is having problems. This hidden worry is frequently accompanied by
feelings of shame. Unfortunately, if the counsellor does not directly question
the parent, "What do you believe is causing your child's misbehaviour?" the
parent may never express their or her personal idea of what's actually wrong.
Skill of using affirmative comments -
Use compliments and affirmation to draw attention to the strengths of the
parents. Because many parents are naturally apprehensive about their parenting,
the greatest therapy approach is one that emphasises and affirms strengths.
However, as you may know, sorting through a parent's disappointments
and pessimism to uncover parental qualities can be challenging. Positive
and affirming comments from practitioners should boost parent motivation
toward self-improvement from a constructive or solution-focused attitude. As
a result, when dealing with parents, counsellors should avoid criticising them,
focus on the positive, and trust that their children will take them to where they
need to be.
Skill of prescribing clear advice -
Give clear, actionable advice, then take a step back... and listen. When
dealing with parents, I make it a point to state at the start of the session that I'll
be listening more at first, and then offering thoughts and advice later. Afterwards
remind them that it's their "hour," and that if they want you to stop talking and
listen more, they should tell you; if they want more advice, they should also
tell me. It's critical for counsellors to actively and systematically listen for the
client's reaction after they've given advice. It's usually ideal if you ask for the
parent's reaction directly.
The above-mentioned skills focus primarily on the process of working
with parents. Because most parenting resources available to counsellors focus
on the content counsellors should teach parents, this is the case. However, if
you concentrate on following the process to give high-quality parent education
information, you'll be more likely to have pleasant, positive, and fulfilling
interactions with parents, which is a really wonderful consequence. (Flanagan,
Seven tips for working effectively with parents 2017)

Parental Counselling 69
 Notes
Activity 2

● Make a list of skills required by a professional who is into parental

counselling.

5.10 CASE STUDIES

Case study -1 : Permissive Parent Struggling With Anger

This mother was concerned about her own anger, permissiveness, and
caving in to her strong-willed child (age 3). This parent works full-time
and also homeschools her oldest child.
Working with this parent for ten weeks allowed her to take a closer look
at her own childhood and how it influenced her parenting. She was able to
recognise how repressing her own feelings wasn't benefitting her because
she would only express rage when she was at her ultimate limit after she
had done the work around it. We determined that she was not meeting
her own needs, so we searched for strategies to ensure that they were
addressed.
During the 10 weeks, this mom was able to be more aware of her interactions
with her eldest child and how her inconsistent boundaries were causing her
relationship to fall apart. She was therefore able to provide her kid options
and establish consistent routines for her children, providing structure,
predictability, and safety.
Instead of giving in when her child was frustrated over not getting his
way, she was able to provide a safe place for his feelings. She would
show empathy and compassion, and she would figure out which region of
her son's brain he was in when he was emotionally drained. She shifted
her focus away from labelling his actions and toward understanding
the underlying emotions. This aided her in developing solutions, which
resulted in increased connection.

Case study -2 : Children Not Listening - Parent Having To Default To

Constantly Shouting
As soon as COVID-19 was declared, this parent began parent coaching.
This mother was concerned about her two sons, who refused to listen or
follow out her wishes until she yelled or threatened them. She knew she
didn't want to parent in that manner, but she didn't know how to replace it
with a more positive and productive method.

70 Counsellor and Counselling Skills

 Notes
When she first started these parent sessions, her youngest son (10) wasn't
very communicative, rarely communicated his feelings, and when he was
furious, he would rip up drawings and paintings. Her eldest (who had
special needs) would receive more attention, and her youngest son would
often remark that she "liked her firstborn son more than him" (this is how
he felt).
This mother was fully devoted to the programme, completing weekly
tasks, reading the suggested material, and attending coaching calls despite
the fact that it was tough at times. She said that her own upbringing had
influenced the way she parented and that she struggled to articulate her
own feelings, which was affecting her son's capacity to do so.
This parent began to use "playful parenting" instead of threats and shouting
as she progressed through the procedure. She began to realise that her sons
were physically active boys who needed to let off steam at the end of the
day. She added a lot more silliness to her parenting, which made everyone
feel more connected. “It is much better to spend a few minutes playing and
being more connected than to spend five minutes shouting and becoming
irritated at my sons,” she said.
Her youngest kid, who used to be quiet, now expresses himself, and
anytime he is angry or sad, if he isn't ready to express himself orally, he
will write pages and pages of how he feels or draw images and present
them to his mother.

Case study -3 : Parent Felt Her Son Was Ruling The Roost
This mother is parenting her son on her own (age 7). She struggled with
boundaries, co-sleeping, and the feeling that his needs were being pushed
aside in favour of hers. She had fought with self-doubt her entire life,
feeling stuck and alienated.
This parent purchased the Ultimate Parenting Success course because
she felt stuck and alone. We spent time together looking at her limiting
attitudes about self-worth and self-doubt, which were interfering with her
parenting.
This mother was concerned about her inability to be present when she was
provoked, as well as her fear of shaming and blaming her child. We looked
at how one parent was very concerned with how she appeared to others,
and how she was often more concerned with how she was viewed than
with her child's actual connection.
This parent was able to set boundaries with others outside her family and focus
on strengthening a meaningful bond with her child over the course of ten
weeks.

Parental Counselling 71
 Notes
This parent was fully devoted to doing the work, reading the books, and
making weekly phone calls, and she was willing to admit that some of the
unpleasant things from her past were still there today.
This parent progressed from being worried, agitated, and uneasy to
being present and content over time. She now speaks with her kid more
effectively and has let go of many limiting thoughts that had previously
held her back. In her own words, her nightly routine with her kid is now
"blooming." (Parent case studies - conscious parenting 2021)

Activity 3

● Discuss case studies related to parental counselling dealt by school

counsellor and prepare a report on it.

Summary
● Parental counselling is a service offered to parents which provides
knowledge, unbiased guidance, emotional support and tools which shall
help parents to identify and understand needs of their family members;
realize the effect of parents on family dynamics with an ultimate objective
to look better to their family.
● Parental Counselling is important as -Counsellor advices various
methods to deal with child behaviour, helps parents in dealing with their
differently abled child, help parents to create pleasant environment and
neutral attitude for their children, help parents to face situation when their
children leave home, counselling helps parents to be closer to their child,
help parents detect serious behavioural issues in children, help parents
correct your own behaviour, help parents when they no longer know what
to do.
● Parental counselling is need of any parent who is - going through marital
problems, suffering with health related issues, is in process of separating
or getting divorced, experiencing abuse or violence, dealing with loss,
abusing alcohol or drugs, struggling with children/teen problems,
whose children are refusing to follow instructions, who are struggling to
implement routines.
● Challenges in parental counselling are counsellors feel both terrified and
frustrated working with parents, have some unfavourable attitudes about
parents, which hampered their ability to work, parents may be made
to relive traumatic memories or issues, parents may get dissatisfied or
despairing as a result of the counselling programmes' failure to provide
rapid effects.

72 Counsellor and Counselling Skills

● Skills required for parental counselling are skill of self-reflection, skill Notes
of listening, skill of reading, skill of radical acceptance, skill of being
collaborative, skill of getting the best explanation, skill of using affirmative
comments, skill of prescribing clear advice.

Keywords
● Parental counselling can be defined as an invaluable service that offers
parents unbiased guidance and support; helping parents understand and
identify the needs of every individual in their family and better look after
the well-being of their family unit.

Self-Assessment Questions
1. Explain the meaning of parental counselling in your own words.
2. State the importance of parental counselling.
3. Identify the people who need parental counselling, support your response
with appropriate explanation.
4. Explain any 3 skills required by a professional who is into parental
counselling.
5 Predict what can be possible challenges if you are counselling a parent.

Answers to Check your Progress

Check your Progress 1
Fill in the blanks.
1. Parental counselling can be defined as an invaluable service that offers
parents unbiased guidance and support.
2. Parent counselling focuses on how one as the parent affects the dynamics
of family.

State True or False.

1. False.
2. True.

Check your Progress 2

State True or False.
1. True
2. True

Parental Counselling 73
 Notes Multiple Choice Single Response.
1. As humans, we are prone to -
c. Making errors
2. Children tend to imitate their _________ and the beliefs that are expressed
in the home.
d. Parents

Check your Progress 3

Answer the following question
1. Find an odd man out of the following pertaining to the problems which
need parental counselling.
workplace politics, unsatisfactory sexual relationship between couples

Suggested Reading
1. Strategies for Counselling with Children and Their Parents by Geraldine
Leitl Orton
2. Parent Therapy: A Relational Alternative to Working with Children by
Linda Jacobs
3. Parenting From the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel
4. Play Therapy Techniques Paperback by Charles E. Schaefer

74 Counsellor and Counselling Skills

References Notes
1. DocDoc. (n.d.). Transforming healthcare, empowering lives. DocDoc.
https://www.docdoc.com/medical-information/procedures/parenting-
counselling.
2. Flanagan , J. S.-. (2017, November 17). Seven tips for working effectively
with parents. Counselling Today. https://ct.counselling.org/2012/05/
seven-tips-for-working-effectively-with-parents/.
3. Importance of parental counselling. www.kimshealth.org. (n.d.).
https://www.kimshealth.org/trivandrum/blog/importance-parental-
counselling/#.
4. Mitchell, B. (2016, May 31). 4 important benefits parents can get From
counselling. Northeast Ohio Parent. https://www.northeastohioparent.
com/uncategorized/4-important-benefits-parents-can-get-from-
counselling/.
5. Parent case studies - conscious parenting. Conscious Parenting -. (2021,
July 25). https://happymeparenting.com/parent-case-studies/.
6. Parent counselling. Aurora Psychology. (n.d.). https://www.
aurorapsychology.com.au/parents.
7. Parent counselling - what is it, who needs it, will it help my family?
Fifth Street Counselling Center IV. (2020, February 26). https://www.
fifthstreetcounselling.org/what-is-parent-counselling-how-could-it-help-
my-family/.

Parental Counselling 75
 Notes

76 Counsellor and Counselling Skills