PILLARS OF MARRIGE. 4TH NOVEMBER 2019.

PLAIN SPEECH ABOUT MAARRIAGE.

PART 1.

Over the years, we have spoken in metaphors, symbols and all other forms of
wrapped mode of speech as pertains Relationships and marriage. But now time
is here to speak plainly on matters Relationships and the bare knuckle
vividness on the Plateaus that occur in marriage.

I will start this Part with INCOMPATIBILITY IN WEDDED LIFE.

This will usually develop in the successive weeks and months into the
marriage. Incompatibility will always override periods of tender accord and
of fervid Passions. Small dissensions (strong disagreements, difference of
opinions, contentions) are bound to occur even in the case of two most
romantic persons who possess every desire to make a success of marriage.

The wisdom and advice that is accorded to young courtiers and tender couples
is that at the first sign of dissatisfaction on either side of the partners,
it is wise to take mutual counsel and to attempt a speedy Understanding of
the underlying issues.

MINOR DISAGREEMENTS SHOULD NOT BE PERMITTED TO GROW INTO MAJOR CONFLICTS.

The reason why Husbands and wife fall out are numerous; but in specific
examples of quarreling, it is often difficult to discover the actual cause.
Generally a tiff is caused apparently by a trivial happening, such as
discussion about having a window open or closed, forgetting to buy milk.

Songs of Solomon 2:15 ‘Catch for us the foxes, The little foxes that spoil
the vines, For our vines have tender grapes.’

A woman who is slightly annoyed because her husband is moody and silent
during the evening hours of rest at home, may address him irritably and
surprise him by the bitterness of her remark upon his dullness. He on his
part, may think she is unreasonable for wishing him to converse when he is
preoccupied with business cares or suffering an indefinable depression.

This brings in a very critical point for all to note. Apparently the
frequent source and drivers of disagreement are mere Contributory; Meaning
that one partner always aggravates what the other partner perceives to be
off track. NEVER ASSUME. DO NOT BE OVER SUSPICIOUS. AVOID BEING TOO
SENSITIVE- YOU ARE NOT THE HOLY SPIRIT.
Most of the bickering and domestic discord in Relationships and marriage are
the result of cumulative irritation or tensions. Buildup of frictions,
dissatisfactions and silent dissents. The wife who accuses her husband of
indifference or selfishness, because he is declined to talk, is secretly
vexed and has a buildup of a previous aggravation which came about when the
husband forgot to hug her on his arrival at home. Or she may feel
disappointed because he failed to praise a carefully prepared meal.

Irritations have tendencies of accumulating, Accruing by layers and matter.

They have tendencies to accretion. Irritations breed impulsive reactions and
call for unnecessary sympathetic attentions.

Look, sometimes a man is not necessarily thinking about business, nor

neither is he depressed about matters that pertain to work; but his
taciturnity (reservedness and less speech tendencies) may be the effect of
nervous and organic tensions induced by his wife’s seeming or real coldness
in bed the previous night.

Such an environment of irritations, tensions, silence and nervous

fluctuations may ultimately cause the woman to fly off the handle and she
suddenly lapses into unguarded speech. Then words that ought not to have
been spoken are now filling the air. And oooh, how they will hurt each other
with words.

It is curious to note that most radical sources and causes of

Incompatibility are often unrecognized or very dimly surmised and assumed.

Sometimes, though, when the actual cause of dissatisfaction or irritation is

clearly realized, then another pile of huddle stops and blocks this cause
from being openly dealt with. Oooh how complex the human character and
thoroughly webbed into confusion it is. When the root of irritations have
been known, Pride, shamefacedness, inferiority Complex, shady character
conclusions that assume the end before trying, Reluctance to wound, and many
other vices, may prevent open and candid speech. In short, Fear rules a
great deal of relationships.

In most relationships and within our character disposition, we are built in

in such a way that there is a manner, feeling, a tone that sends a warning
sign that a quarrel is coming and Most Husbands and wives and conscious of
it.
A look a sigh, a gesture, a compression of the Lips tells one partner that
the other is perturbed inwardly.
One or Two Loving words and a cuddle may banish irritation that is
smoldering and restore serenity and accord. Proverbs 21:14 ‘ A gift in
secret pacifies anger, And a bribe behind the back, strong wrath.’
Now most highly strained couples never wish to cause a scene; So both remain
silent.

Silence favors Brooding. Silence loves self-pity. It is a breeding site for

misery, Moodiness and woes. Inferiority complexes get triplets in silence,
Sense of unworthiness grows in silence.

Sometimes it is better to explode in anger and have the matter out, than to
hold one’s tongue and reflect upon the disappointments of Conjugal life.

Moving to another plateau; since it is not possible nor even desirable for
the world to be filled with people who are always in a unanimous state of
mind, IT IS NECESSARY FOR HUMAN BEINGS TO LEARN TO DIFFER WITHOUT BRINGING
INHARMONY INTO THEIR RELATIONSHIP.

It is then imperative that Love birds begin to learn the Art of Differing.
It is not necessary that two people should be absolutely of the same opinion
in order to live together harmoniously.

You do not have to be the walking Echo of the other.

In fact, to everyone blessed with average Intelligence, such conditions of

affairs would be in reality the most un satisfactory.

In life, a great deal of pleasure is derived from discussing many things

with those who view them from an angle different from one’s own. We are
enlightened by seeing through other’s eyes; in fact our sympathies are
broadened by learning how others feel;

LIFE IS ENRICHED THROUGH DIFFERENCES.

In relationships, always first approach matters dispassionately, and with

the most harmonious feelings at Heart.

AGREE TO DIFFER, BUT NEVER DISAGREE.

What this allows is always an atmosphere of agreement and of harmony in

every difference which may come up.

But having stated the above, One reason why it is so difficult for the newly
married to differ harmoniously is because their feelings are so keenly
involved and they have not as yet learned to consider instinctively as it
were the other’s point of view.

As an example, a lady may find herself thinking when some disputed household
matter comes up for discussion: ‘Well, keep talking but I really don’t care.
He should have considered my wishes in this matter and if he loves me, he
would rather do what I want than anything else in the world.’ And without a
doubt, the Husband may be thinking approximately the same way; and in a
little while they are accusing each other of having already begun to lose
some of the deep devotion which has drawn them together.

Signs of a solution in such kind of setting is usually found where there is

Perfect Confidence in each other’s unselfish devotion so that there is found
the necessary tolerance for an harmonious and United Life. Usually after
many years into the marriage, that confidence generally comes so that two
people can differ with the utmost good humor and mutual understanding.

Taking this a little bit deeper, it is very critical that within the circle
of relationships for the woman to make rather a careful study of this
subject of quarrels, because in many cases she has it in her power to avoid
a great deal many of them.

A man in the business world learns to overlook a great many things. This is
an obligation that he has to adhere to in order to hold on to his position
and focus. He gets the sharp corners knocked off and he learns to mind his
own business and pay little attention to his environment.
As a rule men talk to each other with Brutal Frankness, as a rule, anyway,
and here possibly lies the beginning of troubles at Home.

The Husband, when he gets home, feeling that in his wife he has found a good
‘pal’, instinctively begins to talk to her as he does to other fellows at
his work and business circles. He could tell her, as an example, that the
way she hanged the curtains makes them look like a confused ice hockey
tournament banner ! while at the same time he may Joke about her maiden
household casual dressing mode thoroughly dressing down her handiwork and
choices of fabric. Altogether, this shows a brutal disregard to her feelings
which in turn drive her into drenches of tears and fumes.

Well it is said that he should have learned, by now, that there are tactful
ways which one can sugarcoat criticisms with such words of appreciation as
would enable a woman to take in doses of adjustments without any qualms.

The challenge here then lies with the woman. What can she do to help the
poor man to know and ‘come to the party’ as pertains matters of adjectives
to the ‘Evenic creature’?

Can she overlook the acts and the words which are the outcome of his
Ignorance? Does she continue to put up with his Boorishness?

Can a woman have enough self-control not to let these things upset her?
If a woman retains her Equanimity (inner balance) she may be able, later on
to point out to him in a better way.

We weaken our inner strength and our power when we perpetually let external
injuries drive us to continue pain and drain. There are some energies which
we need to retain within to help us nurture and mature our beings.

The woman who has the power to rise above all of these petty disturbances
will be the one who eventually will dominate the Home atmosphere and bring
it into that harmonious condition for the Bible clearly states that ‘Every
wise woman Builds her House; But the foolish plucks it down with her hands’
Proverbs 14:1

In the first place, every woman must have and develop a sure and complete
Confidence in her Husband’s Love. Once that is founded and grounded and that
she is Certain that He will not leave nor forsake her, then, no matter how
many times he walks roughshod over her tender sensibilities; no matter how
clumsy and blundering he may be in expression of his desires and wishes, she
must hold fast to that Fundamental fact and never let it escape from her.

Whenever as a woman you quiver from some bit of apparent heartlessness, you
must learn to say to yourself; ‘Well, poor fellow, he doesn’t know better. I
must try to teach him.’ In short, where there is sheer ignorance, do not
take things personal.

One of the best ways a woman can help the man is by teaching him – but
first, Not by word of Mouth. It is easy to talk, but it is difficult to do.

She must teach the better way by showing it. And the first step in that
Direction is for her to ask herself, whenever an inharmonious condition has
arisen in the family, ask yourself thus:

‘ Where was I to Blame?’

‘Where did I go wrong?’

‘What was my fault in all these’?

Naturally when you first point a finger at yourself and not the other party,
you have disarmed them from all their defensive weapons which they prepared
afore hand to guard against all potential attack. All guards are down.

Av always said that you cannot love an armoured creature

To be continued. By Teacher Sammy Nyanjom.